1.

Home,SweetCompromise
June21,2015(Version#1)
ByGemmaGarcia

CAST
JESS:Female,early20s
DAVID,LEASINGAGENT:Male,late20s
CARLTHEMIDGET:Male,early30s
HERSHELTHEPOLTERGEIST:Any,voiceonly
DONALDTRUMP:Male,late60s

(Weareinthehallwayofan
apartmentbuilding.DAVIDisstandingin
frontofadoor.JESSwalksin.)

DAVID
Hi!IsitJess?

JESS
Hi!Yes,David,right??Imheretoseetheunitsyoupostedon
Craigslist.Imreallyexcitedtoseewhatyouhavegoingon,I
haventseensuchgoodpricessinceIstartedlooking

DAVID
Oh,wellImsurewellfindsomethingthatyouwillbe
completelysatisfiedwith.Letmerevisityourrequirements,
justtomakesureIbroughtyoutotherightbuildingyouare
insearchofaonebedroom,heatincluded,acceptspets,offthe
BrownorRedLineisthatright?

JESS
Yes,thatisexactlyit.Imflexibleasfarasgardenunitsor
largestudiosgo,Ijustwouldrathernotliveinatinybox,
haha.

2.
DAVID
Yes,Isee.Well,thisishowitsgoingtowork.Behindeach
oneofthesedoors,thereisamodelunitforthedifferent
locationsIhaveinthecity.Weregoingtotakealookateach
one,discusstheapplicationandleaserequirements,andwell
gofromthere.Shallwe?

JESS
Letsdoit!

DAVID
(Takingafewstepstowardthefirstdoor)

Letsseewhatisbehinddoornumberone!

(opensdoor)

JESS
(peekingin,inamazement)
Wowthislookslikeahugeplace

DAVID
Anditis!Whatyouseebeforeyouisabrightonebedroom
apartmentinLakeviewatAddisonandLakeShoreDr.$1195a
month,freeutilities,youonlypayelectricandinternet,and
petsareverymuchwelcome.

JESS
OhmyGod,thisisamazing

DAVID(cont.)
...nosecuritydeposit,$50applicationfee,andfirstmonths
rentatleasesigningtocovertravelexpensesforCarlthe
crossdressingmidget,whowillbeyourroommateandresident
probationperioddirectorforthefirst90days.

3.

JESS
Imsorry,roommate?Canyougooverthatonemoretime,Imnot
understanding...

DAVID
Forthefirst90daysofyourlease,Carl(ENTERCARL)willbe
yourroommateandyourchaperone.Hedoessomelocaltheatrein
thearea,soheisaveryentertainingfellow.Ialsohearheis
afantasticcook.

JESS
Uhhyeah,no.Letscheckoutthenextone,please.

(CarlEXITS,flipsJESSthebirdandsticksouthistongueat
her)

DAVID
Okay!
(closesdoor,takesfewstepstonextone)

Doornumber2!Behinddoornumbertwo,wehaveanabsolutely
stunningLincolnPark1bedroomatArmitageandHalsted$1225,
freeutilities,youonlypayelectricandinternet,andpetsare
verymuchwelcome.

JESS
Whoathisisactuallyfantasticaswell...

DAVID(cont.)
...nosecuritydeposit,$50applicationfee,andfirstmonths
rentatleasesigning,andacomplimentaryouijaboardsoyou
candiscusslivingarrangementsandboundarieswithHershel.

JESS
...whosHershel?

4.
DAVID
TheresidentPoltergeist.

JESS
Poltergeist?!Youmeanlikeaghost?!

DAVID
Well,ofthesorts.Wereactuallynotsureifhesaghostora
demon,sothetermPoltergeistisourunderstandingofa
respectfulcompromise.

(Hershelthumpsonthewallsfrombackstage.Itgetslouderand
faster,thenstopssuddenly)

JESS
...wasthathim??

DAVID
Yes,hedoesthatalotwhenwediscusshisstatusofbeing.
Ghost,demonWerejustnotsureandwedontthinkheknows
either.

HERSHEL
(briefloudthumpingonwalls)
...justbecauseyourenotfamiliarwithsomeoneelsesorigins
itdoesntmeanyoucanjustgeneralizeJess,howwasMexico
growingup?

JESS
...ImColombian

HERSHEL
...samething

DAVID
uhhnoitsnot


5.

HERSHEL
EXACTLY!

(UnseenHershelslamsthedooroftheunitintheirface,and
wailsshortly)

JESS
Oooookay

DAVID
Sorryaboutthathedoesthatalot.Alright,ontothenext
unit!

(opensnextdoor)

ThisunitisalovelycozyonebedroominahighriseinOld
TownatClarkandLaSalle$1295,freeutilities,youpay
electricandinternet,andpetsareverymuchwelcome.

JESS
Ahighrisewouldbeprettycool

DAVID(cont.)
...nosecuritydeposit,$50applicationfee,firstmonthsrent
atleasesigning,andapromissorynotetosurrenderyourfirst
bornssoultoKochIndustrieswithin24hoursofbirth.

JESS
Mywhat???NO!Whatthehell???Okay,thisisgettingoutof
hand,howisthisevenlegal???

DAVID
IaskmyselfthateverymorningwhenImdoingmyhairinthe
mirror
(doescreepytongueclickingsoundatJESS)


6.
JESS
(Awkwardly)...Okay,whatever.Next,letsjustgetthisover
with.

DAVID
Okiedokie!
(closesdoor,movesontonextone)

Thisunitisanabsolutelyravishing1bedroomloftedcondoon
thetopfloorattheTrumpTowerintheheartofRiverNorth.
$1250,allutilitiesincluded,petsareallowedandverymuch
welcome,andyougetacomplimentarykitten.

JESS
Awwww...Wait..

DAVID(cont.)
...nosecuritydeposit,noapplicationfee,andfreefirst
monthsrent.

JESS
Andthatsit???Nocrazymidgets,noPoltergeist,andno
corruptmagnates???

DAVID
...allweaskatleasesigningisthatyousignabinding
contractthatwillrequireyoutowearcampaignmemorabiliain
theformofcaps,shirts,andbuttonsthatwewillbeproviding
atnocost,aswellasyourguaranteedvoteforMr.Trumpinthe
2016PresidentialElection.

(TRUMPslowlyentersandstandsbehindJESS,breathingonher
neck)


7.
JESS
(realizingTRUMPisbehindher)
AHH!What?!NO!!!!

TRUMP

(ToJESS)YOUREFIRED!

(EXITS)
DAVID

...healsodoesthatalot.

JESS
Onsecondthought,youstillgotthatOuijaboard?

(BLACKOUT)