EMPATHIC ASSERTION

ON BECOMING ASSERTIVE

Is it hard for you to express your opinion if others disagree, do you end up doing things you dont want to
do, do your needs always seem to come last? Many people experience difficulty handling interpersonal
situations requiring them to assert themselves; letting others know what they want, turning down a
request, asking a favor, expressing disapproval or giving someone a compliment.
How can you appropriately assert yourself without alienating those around you? Research has shown that
the earlier focus of Assertiveness Training programs helped people become more assertive and selfexpressive but at times, at the expense of their relationships. More recent approaches emphasize both the
task of becoming more self-expressive and retaining good relationships with those around you. This later
version is known as Empathic Assertion and focuses on your personal rights along with consideration of
others.
The following inventory will help you evaluate in which interpersonal situations it is most difficult for
you to assert yourself.
ASSERTION INVENTORY
Please indicate your degree of discomfort or anxiety in the space provided before each situation listed
below. Utilize the following scale to indicate degree of discomfort.
1 = none
2 = a little

3 = a fair amount
4 = much

5 = very much

Then, go over the list a second time and indicate after each item the probability or likelihood of you
displaying the behavior if actually presented with the situation. For example, if you rarely apologize
when you are at fault, you would mark a 2 after that item. Utilize the following scale to indicate
response probability.
1 = never do it
2 = rarely do it

3 = do it about half the time

4 = usually do it

5 = always do it

Note: It is important to cover your discomfort ratings (located in front of the items) while indicating response
probability. Otherwise, one rating may contaminate the other and a realistic assessment of your behavior is unlikely.
To correct for this, place a piece of paper over your discomfort ratings while responding to the situations a second
time for response probability.

Degree of
Discomfort
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.

Situation

Turn down a request to borrow your car

Compliment a friend
Ask a favor of someone
Resist sales pressure
Apologize when you are at fault
Turn down a request for a meeting or date

Response
probability

7. Admit fear and request consideration

8. Tell a person you are intimately involved with
when he/she says or does something that bothers you

9. Ask for a raise

10. Admit ignorance in some area
11. Turn down a request to borrow money
12. Ask personal questions
13. Turn off a talkative friend
14. Ask for constructive criticism
15. Initiate a conversation with a stranger
16. Compliment a person you are romantically
involved with or interested in

17. Request a meeting or date with a person

18. Your initial request for a meeting is turned down and
you ask the person again at a later time

19. Admit confusion about a point under discussion

and ask for clarification

20. Apply for a job

21. Ask whether you have offended someone
22. Tell someone that you like them
23. Request expected service when such is not forthcoming
24. Discuss openly with the person his/her criticism of your behavior
25. Return defective items, e.g. store or restaurant
26. Express an opinion that differs from the person you are talking to
27. Resist sexual overtures when you are not interested
28. Tell the person when you feel he/she has done something that is unfair
29. Accept a date
30. Tell someone good news about yourself
31. Resist pressure to drink
32. Resist a significant persons unfair demand
33. Quit a job
34. Resist pressure to use drugs
35. Discuss openly with the person his/her criticism of your work
36. Request the return of borrowed items
37. Receive compliments
38. Continue to converse with someone who disagrees with you
39. Tell a friend or someone with whom you work, when he/she
says or does something that bothers you

40. Ask a person who is annoying you in a public situation to stop

Gambrill, E. & Richey, C. (1975). An Assertion Inventory for Use in Assessment & Research. Behavior Therapy, 6. 550-561.

Nonassertive Pattern: You rated yourself as having high degree of discomfort (4, 5) and a low likelihood
of acting as described (1, 2).
Assertive Pattern: You rated yourself with a low degree of discomfort (1, 2) and high degree of response
probability.
Identify aProblem: Now look over your responses and choose the situations in which you would most like
to change and become more assertive. Look for the items with a high level of discomfort and a low
likelihood of action or response. Circle the five with the greatest discrepancy (highest discomfort and
lowest response probability). Copy these five items on another sheet of paper, leaving room for analysis
and goal setting.

Inner Dialogue: We all have emotional baggage from the past. Typical beliefs might include, I must
always please people, I am not as good or important as others, It is wrong to be angry, and so on.
Under each situation you circled, list your beliefs that encourage your non-assertive behaviors. Which
ones are irrational (i.e. we really cant please everybody)? Is this situation setting off any hot button
issues from the past that might make you overreact (does the boss remind you of your critical father)?
Situational Analysis: How would you like to respond differently (i.e. resist a significant persons unfair
demand)? What would you like the end goal to be, how would you like it to be different than it is? Look
at the situation from your perspective as well as the other persons. What are your needs and what are the
other persons? Is there some way you can both get your needs met, at least partially (win-win vs. winlose)?
Generate Possible Solutions: Plan what you would like to say, focusing on the objective signs (what do
you feel the other person is not taking into consideration or what are the excessive demands)? Conduct a
role play with a trusted friend to get his/her feedback. Be careful not to attack the other person in
explaining your position and it is also important to listen and hear the others point. It may even be
helpful to accept some of the criticism to come to a negotiated settlement where both win.
Evaluate Solutions and Make a Decision: After refining and adjusting your strategy, including the
possible adverse consequences, specify a final goal. Remember to manage your emotions and maintain
the dual goal of asserting yourself and maintaining the relationship (consider the others needs).
Action Planning: Choose a private place for this discussion and dont overwork it if it starts getting too
heated. Reiterate your needs/opinion and ask the other person to think it over and agree to discuss it
again at a later date.
In acting assertively it is important to remember to use I statements rather than You statements (I
would like to have a chance to work on the new project vs. You never give me a chance to go anything
new).
BASIC ASSERTIVE STATEMENTS
I Want

I want to spend some time by ourselves so is it ok if we dont visit your mother next Sunday?
Id like some encouragement on my work. Would you be willing to tell me about the good things you see
in my work?

I Feel

When you told our friends how we are pinching pennies I felt ashamed.
When you talk with your mouth open, it embarrasses me.

I Like

I liked it when you were able to tell me what I was doing was bothering you.
I would like to work on the project but would appreciate it if you could give me feedback on how I am
doing as we go along.

Empathic Assertion: Conveys sensitivity to the other person as well as expressing your wants/feelings.

I realize you dont want to intrude on my emotional space but I do feel crowded when you
.
I can see you are upset with me and in no mood to talk right now. I would very much like to talk it over
when youre ready.

Confrontive Assertion: Confront on the discrepancy in what was said and done vs. the person.

I was supposed to be consulted before the final proposal was typed. I see the secretary is typing it right
now. Before she finishes it, I would like to review it and make whatever corrections I think are necessary.
In the future I would like to have a chance to review any proposals before they are sent to the secretary.

HANDLING YOUR OWN AGGRESSION

Get Feedback: It is much easier to see the other persons aggression than it is our own. Ask someone you
trust to give you an honest assessment of your temperature scale.
Identify Your Triggers: Keep a log of your sensitive spots and what triggers your anger. What did the
other person do or say just before you became angry? What feelings did you experience other than anger
(i.e. were your feelings hurt)? What thoughts crossed your mind before you reacted aggressively?
Managing Your Triggers: Allow yourself some cooling off time to think through your responses. Move
from unrealistic or emotionally charged to more objective responses.
RULES FOR SELF-EXPRESSION
Let others know what you want, like, or need from them
Let others know when their behavior causes you problems
State the problem directly when letting others know they cause you problems
When others express different views, dont hesitate to express yours
RULES FOR AVOIDING CONFLICT
When others express different views, dont tell them they are wrong
When criticized, ask for more information before responding
When criticized fairly, show you are willing to change your behavior
Dont get angry when telling others their behavior causes you problems
Agree to do reasonable requests

References
Gambrill, E. & Richey, C. (1975). An Assertion Inventory for Use in Assessment & Research. Behavior Therapy, 6.
Jakubowski, P. & Lange, A. (1978). The Assertive Option. IL: Research Press

Employees and their family from the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers and the Office of Thrift Supervision
in New York and New Jersey are entitled to free confidential counseling on the issue of assertiveness and
communication, as well as the host of family, stress, personal, and job-related difficulties that are
common to todays living. Your agency has paid for you to attend six counseling sessions at no cost to
you. You may attend on work time or after hours. If you attend during the work day, you will be given a
card to verify your attendance at counseling but the nature of the discussion remains confidential. For
further information or to make an appointment, please call 212-352-3274.

METROPOLITAN EAP.49 West 12th StreetSuite 1DNew York, NY 10011

212-352-3274

www.metroeap.org

 Make requests
Say No
Negotiate workable compromises
Make assertive challenges
Express their feelings
Give constructive criticism
Receive and deal with criticism
Give and receive compliments
Understand and have a sense of everyday rights
Understand and have a sense of sexual right