SCRIPT: A Decade In Review: The 1920s

Cast in order of appearance

sorry if its weird I just didnt want to change what you guys have already written

Will Rogers (WILL): Adam

Nellie Bly (NELLIE): Nyrene
Woodrow Wilson (WILSON): Ethan
Henry Cabot Lodge (LODGE): Willow
Chaim Weizmann (WEIZMANN): Sam C.
Robert Lansing (LANSING): Noah
Attorney General A. Mitchell Palmer (AMP): Nina R
Langston Hughes (LH): Sam Rose Davidoff
Franz Boas (FB): Emma M
Hiram Wesley Evans (HWE/KKK Leader): Ayse
Andrew Mellon (AM): Nora
Lois Long (LL): Amanda
Lillian Gish (LG): Sami M.
Sinclair Lewis (SL): Jack
Fiorello LaGuardia (LAGUARDIA): Johannes
Marie Waite (WAITE): Maddy
Al Capone (CAPONE): Johannes
Carrie Nation (NATION): Lexie
Lois Long (LONG): Aiden L.
Dorothy Parker (PARKER): Bridget
Margaret Sanger (SANGER): Virginia
Introduction
WILL: Hello all, and welcome to the show! Im your host, Will Rogers.
NELLIE: And Im your co-host and news reporter, Nellie Bly. The 1920s has been a wonderful
time, filled with twists and turns and lots of surprises.
WILL: You know Nellie.. joke
NELLIE: Oh Will, now is not the time.
WILL: (laughs) Anyway, here well explore the issues of this decade from beginning to end.
From immigration to prohibition, and world affairs to flappers, well talk about it all. So sit
down, and enjoy the ride!
Segment 1: USs role in world affairs (League of Nations)

NELLIE: After the end of World War I, leaders of the Allies, including our own former president
Woodrow Wilson, met together in the Paris Peace Conference in 1919. One of the outcomes from
this critical conference was the creation of the League of Nations, founded by Wilson himself. To
this day, Americans still argue whether or not the United States should have joined the League.
We now take you to a debate about this tough issue.
WILL: For our new listeners, this segment is all about trying to prove your point. Each
contestant has a minute to make their case, and then the other contestants have 30 seconds to
rebutt the argument.
Enter Wilson
WILSON: Good evening to all the lovely ladies and fine gentlemen out here tonight. I am
Woodrow Wilson reincarnated, the former 28th president of the United States.
Enter Lodge
LODGE: Ayyy mladies and gents, Im Henry Cabot Lodge. I was in the Senate for years, but
kinda died; I decided to come visit for a night though!
Enter Weizmann
WEIZMANN: Hello. I am Chaim Weizmann, the president of the World Zionist Organization. I
developed the process of using the bacterium Clostridium acetobutylicum to convert starch into
acetone, which was used in British munitions during the Great War.
Enter Lansing
LANSING: Im Robert Lansing. I was the Secretary of State for five years, under Wilson. He
never paid any attention to my advice, and fired me just for speaking freely to his Cabinet.
NELLIE: Well, thank you all for introducing yourselves.
WILL: Tonights topic is (opens envelope, as if topic had been secret) the League of Nations.
WILSON: I was president, I got this!
WILL: Thats the spirit. Since youre so confident why dont we start with you? You have sixty
seconds.
WILSON: In 1914 Europe was plunged into a terrible terrible war The Great War which, in its
final years, our glorious nation supplied troops to end all terrible wars. Germany has paid for its
crimes in the Treaty of Versailles. Now it is Americas turn to lead the world into a new age
without wars, in which the banners of democracy and freedom will fly over this great earth.
America must stand with the League of Nations, and against these incompetent republican
senators and all the evils of wickedness and villainy.

NELLIE: Ok contestants, you have 30 seconds to refute this. If you agree with Mr. President,
you may simply remain quiet. Mr. Lansing?
LANSING: I spent several years working in the Wilson administration, including five working
directly for him as Secretary of State. In my time, I did not once see him accept the counsel I
gave. From this experience, I have no reason to believe Mr. Wilson will even listen to what
Lodge and I say. Nevertheless, I would rebutt Mr. Wilson by saying that the League of Nations
does not look like it will at all serve to bring about the peace, freedom, and democracy of which
Mr. Wilson speaks, but rather to begin new wars, similar, in fact, to the Great War through which
we have just suffered.
WILL: Thank you Mr. Lansing. Mr. Lodge, would you like to say anything in response to Mr.
Wilson? You have thirty-NELLIE: (looking at Lodge, who is frustrated with Wilsons stupidity) Im pretty sure he has a lot
to say. Lets go ahead and give him his minute to speak.
LODGE: Why would we join the League of Nations when almost all it could possibly lead to is
destruction. The League is a dangerous and murky covenant that will make promises the U.S.
cannot keep. How could we possibly join such a thing and risk so much? The United States is the
world's best hope, but if you fetter her in the interests and quarrels of other nations, if you tangle
her in the intrigues of Europe, you will destroy her power for good and endanger her very
existence. The United States must not fall out of the line of march, we must join the war, but not
the League. Wilson supported a terrible treaty simply to get into the League, he has gone too far
to try and ruin this country.
WILL: That seemed a pretty strong argument. (looks at Wilson) Refute? Your thirty seconds start
now.
WILSON: Mr. Lodge. The League of Nations is the child of democracy and peace. With the US
governing this noble organization we shall certainly have peace in our time. However if you pull
us out now it could certainly almost cause the destruction of humanity in the coming years. If
America doesn't step up to the plate nobody will. These quarrels and wars will certainly pull us
back into Europe if we do absolutely nothing. A greater evil always lies around the corner and it
is your responsibility Mr. Lodge to either help the world detect and exterminate it or leave it till
eventually they burst down our doors.
NELLIE: What do you think on the subject Mr. Weizmann? You have sixty seconds.

WEIZMANN: Dr. Weizmann. The Jewish people need the League of Nations, and the League of
Nations needs America. Wilson played an important part in creating the League, and for America
to back out now would severely stunt the future of the organisation. In the Covenant Wilson calls
for American ideals such as self determination, which is exactly what the Jewish people and
other peoples around the world without nations need. The League, if completed with the addition
of America, will have the power to create new nations for these groups. The first order of
business should be to address the issue of the lack of a nation for the Jews. We are the most
interesting but the most troublesome child of the League of Nations. We have been ignored for
too long, and soon the League must remedy that. A land without a people for a people without a
land!
WILL: Hmm, I dont know if that iscompletely relevant What do you have to say on that,
guys? You have thirty seconds to respond.
LODGE: The League itself doesnt actually feel its terribly important for us to join, why what
possible gain is there to joining it?
WILSON: But he did say we should join, because were a powerhouse. Itd be helpful and a
table-turner.
LANSING: He said it didnt MATTER. The League doesnt need us or particularly want us.
NELLIE: And to round it off, Lansing, lets hear what you think. You have sixty seconds, starting
now.
LANSING: The League of Nations which Mr. Wilson started was a reincarnation of the League
to Enforce Peace, blessed with the support of the President of the United States. The original
League gained popularity by manipulating Americans into supporting for it. When the League of
Nations was proposed by Mr. Wilson, it was even named after the League to Enforce Peace to
draw its supporters. If the League of Nations claims to be different from the ineffective League
to Enforce Peace, the difference must therefore come from the second aspect of its existence: the
blessing of the President of the United States. But, if you paid very close attention to the news in
the year of 1924, you may have heard that Mr. Wilson has died and, by consequence, is no longer
a possible draw of the League of Nations. And I say that, at this point, so many years and so
many Presidents have gone by to finally find one that supports Americas participation in this
League that it must not be something which the majority of intelligent Americans support.

WILL: Mr. Wilson, you may refute, but really quickly let me remind the audience, after this last
rebuttal you all may vote on who won the debate based on whose argument swayed your opinion.
Contestants, finish your rebuttal, and make sure its thirty seconds or less!
WILSON: Do you trust Mr Lansing.. I trusted him, and he stabbed me in the back during my
position of weakness. Ladies And Gentlemen I ask you to stand with democracy, and if you stand
with Mr. Lodge or Mr Lansing then you are an enemy of the Great United States, an enemy of
Democracy, and an enemy of Peace. Good Day. (during this speech Lansing is growing
more and more furious with Wilson)
NELLIE: Audience, if you think Wilson won, cheer! Lodge? Weizmann? and Lansing?
WILL: Congratulations *whoever*! You have won over the audience.
WILSON or LODGE: Whichever lost Smooth-talking, stupid *muttering*
NELLIE: And that concludes the Debate Segment.

Advertisement: Brownie Kodak

SAMI, AYSE and MADDIE walk briskly onstage from either side. They proceed to a table in the
center of the stage. On it is a Brownie Kodak (probably just a cardboard box resembling one)
covered with a sheet.
SAMI: Ladies and Gentleman, boys and girls! Guys and gals, and non binary pals!
MADDIE: This is what youve all been waiting for,
One of them pulls off the sheet to reveal the Kodak, the other and Sami do jazz hands.

AYSE: You may not know it, but his is the best gosh darndest camera you folks have ever seen!
SAMI: Yes, the Brownie, not a baked treat, but a camera you can take anywhere!
MADDIE: Just point and shoot, and youll get instant photos to immortalize fond moments.
One holds up a sheet with a drawing of a larger, older camera.
AYSE: Unlike older cameras, the Brownie is small, cheap, and portable.
SAMI: The pictures are crystal clear! They almost seem like the real thing!
MADDIE: If youre sick of grainy photos or bulky cameras, buy the Brownie Kodak!
AYSE: And now, for a limited time only, you get a small stand for pictures from high up!
SAMI: Get a Brownie today!

Segment 2: Immigration
NELLIE: From the late 1880s to the early 1900s, we experienced a huge wave of immigrants
coming to the US. Tens of millions of people who dont know a lick of English have come to our
streets of gold. The world is changing, and America is not the same as before. We have people
here to discuss this issue. Please welcome Attorney General A. Mitchell Palmer!
AMP: Thanks for having me.
WILL: Recently, I heard that some anarchists bombed your house. Is this correct?

AMP: Yes, Will, that is correct. Those damned anarchists hailing from Russia, bringing all their
radical beliefs into our democratic system. We can no longer stand for it! Action needs to be
taken against these communist aliens before they attack our sacred nation, just like they did to
my front porch!
WR: Franz Boas, what do you have to say on the matter?
FB: Theres absolutely no difference between the Irish, German, Chinese or even the Russians.
We, as a people, have built up this unreasonable hatred for people based solely on their skin tone
and I believe we should start spending more time understanding the different cultures of the
world. Our differences are by products of our environments, so if we welcome immigrants, we
will be strengthening our nation!
WR: And now, a poem from the poet Langston Hughes!
LH: The land that's mine--the poor man's, Indian's, Negro's, ME-Who made America,
Whose sweat and blood, whose faith and pain,
Whose hand at the foundry, whose plow in the rain,
Must bring back our mighty dream again.
Immigrants have created this good nation. Youre an imbecile if you think otherwise!
HWE: I was not aware that I would be on a radio show with a colored person- not only is he
colored, but hes communist. Immigration is ruining our beautiful country. These immigrants
come over here, take advantage of the freedom earned and then try throw communist revolution.
As the Imperial Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, I see immigrants every single day taking our jobs!
OUR jobs!
FB; Arent we all immigrants? Isnt that what America stands for?
HWE: MANIFEST DESTINY, YOU UNCULTURED SWINE! GOD TOLD US TO KEEP
EXPANDING AND PUSH OUT THE UNDESIRABLES. DO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOU
WANT TO GO AGAINST GOD HIMSELF?
AMP: Mr. Evans, you are quite mistaken. We only need to restrict immigration from countries
like Communist Russia! The safety of our nation is whats at stake, not going against God!
LH: Whats wrong with some people believing in something you dont?
AMP: These people are a danger to us! Do you even know what anarchists do? They dont
believe in government, so they start riots and attack people! We cant have that in our country!
LH: They havent done anything wrong yet!
AMP: They blew up my front porch!

WILL: Gentlemen, please! Pipe down! This is not the Democrat party convention.
HWE: [takes a deep breath] Sir, have you ever heard of the good Lord?
LH: Oh, come on!
HWE: Listen. Immigrants threaten not only the good, Christian citizens but also the government.
If the United States government fails, the whole universe will suffer! Its up to us to make sure
America remains pure.
FB: PURE? Scientific investigation does not countenance the assumption that in any one part of
Europe a people of pure descent or of a pure racial type is found, so dont continue spouting
nonsense.
LH: I just want to get this out, Americas a free nation. Ever since I was a child, the idea of
freedom has been deeply implanted in my brain. When this nation was formed
HWE: Have yall not seen the research?! Immigrants are destroying the economy! Theyre
useless! We need to stop them before our nation crumbles at our feet.
FB: What in Gods name are you talking about? The immigrants having been nothing but help to
us all these years.
HWE: IMMIGRANTS BRING DISEASE! AND THEYRE ILLITERATE!1!!!1!1!!!11!!!!
FB: I, myself am an immigrant. Are you calling me illiterate?
HWE: YEAH YOU DEWDROPPER, I AM!
AMP: Listen! Last week my front porch was bombed by an anarchist, damn it! If we restricted
immigration more and kept out the radicals, everyone would be safe!
HWE: Blacks are ruining this country! Theyre a menace to society!
LH: Excuse me? Im here to speak to you about immigrants!
HWE: But your type are immigrants!
AMP: I was once a humble Quaker. But as Attorney General, I see some serious problems with
this country. The Communists immigrating every day from Russia are a threat to the safety of our
nation. Ive launched raids to track down suspected radical aliens and deport them immediately.
You know, I ought to explain to you a bit more about what these radical aliens do. One night, as
Margaret and I were barneymuggingLH: Ill bet you were barneymugging.
AMP: Excuse me? How dare you? Anyway, there was a huge explosion. My front porch and the
downstairs of my home was ruined. And you know what it was? An anarchist plot to kill me. So
now, Im looking for every single radical alien in this country, and when I find you, I deport you.

FB: So just because your house was damaged, youre trying to deport innocent Americans?
HWE: That doesn't matter! What hes doing is justified. Hes at least keeping this country safe by
taking out the blasted bug-eyed Bettys!
LH: Safe? Hows it safe when millions of people cant come here for a better life? This nation
was created on the backs of slaves and now it is being built on the backs of immigrants! Through
our sweat and blood, weve persevered, only to be blocked by you imbeciles!
HWE: We need to take care of our own kind! OR ELSE YALL WILL-LH: We are all one kind: humans!
WR gives up and walks away; his hands in the air in frustration
HWE: Sure we are. Why would we need borders, then? Countries are made for a reason: to keep
the people in their place. We need civilized people in our land.
FB: You call yourself civilized? Ive seen what you do in the KKK!
HWE: Excuse me, but Im not half as barbaric as you!
FB: Barbaric! Im a man of science!
HWE: Youre a foreign man! Youre not as good as me! Im a white man, and God said
that whiteness is greatness.
HWE: I dont have to listen to a communist swine!
AMP: Immigrants are the problem here. We need to stop the anarchists who live among us!
Everyone starts fighting and screaming. WR comes in and ends the program
WILL: OKAY! THATS ALL WE HAVE TIME FOR FOLKS! and now a word from our
sponsor
Advertisement: Gardening hoes
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AYSE: Has your hoe gotten too old?
SAM: Way too old!

NINA: We have all kinds of hoes, such as the Push Hoe, for when youre tired of pulling, or the
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SAM: But what if I want something higher quality?
NINA: We can help you with that! Try our new stirrup hoe and weed faster than you thought
possible. SAM: The Stirrup hoe is perfect for indebted farmers who risk losing their land. Order
one from your Sears Catalogue today and save the farm for tomorrow.

Advertisement: Jello
AIDAN, JOHANNES, and SAM walk onstage with a table, a tablecloth, and an empty box of
jello.
JOHANNES: [To Audience] Have you ever felt so stuffed after dinner that you dont even have
room for dessert?
AIDAN: We have, too. All that pumpkin pie and pudding gone to waste.
They look down sadly and shake their heads for a count of 5
SAM: But that doesnt have to be the fate of your dessert! Theres always room for Jell-O!
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AIDAN: Its much less pricy than cake or ice cream, and its twice as good! Try Jello today!

Segment 3: Materialism
WILL: Everyones got their favorite piece of jewelry, or a shiny new car, or even a piece of
silverware. But are we getting too attached to our things?
NELLIE: What do you mean?
WILL: Many people are saying that material things are corrupting our lives.
NELLIE: Heavens! Is it true?
WILL: Thats up for discussion now. Joining us in the studio is Andrew Mellon, Lois Long,
Sinclair Lewis, and Lillian Gish to discuss this disputed topic.
AM: Well I think its fairly obvious that America is becoming too materialistic. No one cares
about anything else but getting their hands on as many new-fangled things as possible.
LL: I disagree, and as a wealthy businessperson, your viewpoint is quite biased. Yes, we have all
of these new products, but everything we have today helps us, or allows us to have a little fun in
our daily lives.
LG: Ms. Long has a point, nobody wants to forget the fun, so dont be a pill, itll give you
wrinkles.
AM: Wrinkles?! A pill?! Why I cant say Im surprised a dame like you, who parades herself
around on the screen, would use such a word? After all your job is never about talking is it, what
with all those silent scenes and your make up?

SL: Now, now lets not get riled up, were trying to have a discussion here.
LL: I dont think you quite grasp the meaning of a discussion then do you Mr. Lewis? We must
have different viewpoints for this to be entertaining for our listeners, correct? But, lets get back
to the topic.
LG: Well as I was saying, before I was (ahem) interrupted. There is no need to worry about
America becoming too materialistic, I mean my own job is all about making films, which are
considered part of the problem and since I work with them it must not be THAT big a problem.
SL: Your job is exact proof that America is indeed too materialistic. Why would you have to sell
useless products otherwise?
LG: Why sir Im quite sure you dont mean to high-hat me? My job is the reason many
Americans experience adventure, lust, love and fantasy, do you really wish to take that away
from them? I for one think the movies are quite important and America could never survive
without stars like myself. Even I watch movies, romance only of course. All those sparkly
necklaces and beautiful dresses.
LL: Im in agreement that we all love the movies, as the screen is a key part of American culture.
As well, I have a similar experience to Ms. Gish in the magazine business. We rely on the ads
that companies buy to keep the company going. As well, isnt it just fun to buy the pretty things
in store windows or spend a night out at the club?
AM: I do not spend a night out at the club ever, Ms. Long, nor do I intend to and its precisely
the clubs that are adding to materialism, convincing young people to look like one another and
only advancing the buying process of items. Id hope that a journalist such as yourself would
have a little bit more sense, but obviously I was wrong.
LL: Ill have you know that I take no offense in that statement, Mr. Mellon. The, well, older
generations are always prone to react badly to change.
AM: Ill have you know that Im 74, MIDDLE AGED. And its quite rude to go around
discussing ones age, but I suppose someone like yourself wouldn't know such social manners.
SL: Can we just move this along?
LL: Anyway...we need the happiness in our lives, after the war. Dont people deserve to be
happy? I would call our actions an opposition to the stuffy therapy that many are reluctant to
enter in.
SL: Stuffy therapy has served our nation well for the past few decades and centuries even, and
such traditions only help inform us of certain possible wrongs, such as becoming so obsessed

with new inventions that we end up in such a materialistic world as America is soon to be. At this
rate, it wont be a hundred years before we all become slaves to our products!
LG: Our world becoming too materialistic? My acting allows others to escape the hardships of
daily life, without me they would likely be dying inside. If movies are a part of materialism then
it must not be a problem because what I do SAVES lives. I mean people who dont like the
movies are stone cold monsters, the movies are the only savior to so many and people who dont
like them must only want everyone else dead.
AM: Your acting allows others to escape? Escape reality and all sense surely? I just dont
understand why people would WANT to be obsessed with material things. Not everything is
made for a purpose as you say, some things only hurt us, and create insipid people
LL: Is having insipid people really a bad thing? Isnt it better to have happy, insipid, people
rather than depressed realists in our population? I mean depressed people never live very long or
do much that can make a real impact on society so why encourage an entire nation full of them.
AM: Insipid people cant lead our country into the future. They are not civil or capable.
LG: Insipid people are not all as horrible as you say, and yes, though they may be worse in some
areas, they are still able to carry on in a civilized manner and they at least understand the worth
of acting like mine.
SL: And what would you know about civilized? You have no right to speak about such a subject.
It seems your relationships are not at all of a civil manner. Especially those relationships between
you and your superiors.
AM: EXACTLY! And neither are flappers! Flappers contribute nothing to our society! All they
chase after is fun, fun fun. FUN doesnt get you anywhere. They are contributing to the bad state
of America, and that is unacceptable. Flappers are ruining America!!! At this rate well never get
anywhere, materialism will grow, and our nation will perish! Were finished I say! FINISHED!!!
LG: I dont agree! Im friends with many flappers, Ive met many more at my movie premiers,
and I can easily hold a conversation with any of them. If you cant interact with people, it seems
as if you are to blame here, not the flappers. They are all lovely people with good taste and
sparkling clothes.
Nellie: All right, and before anyone can respond to THAT thought, we have a quick word from
our sponsor.
LL: Band-aids- the new era of bandages
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Get these sticky little critters on your cuts and youll be healed up real quick
Pick up a box at your local drugstore today
AM: I can personally say that these fantastic new first aid inventions work. I mean, I fell off a
train and in just two days after covering up with these babies I was back to normal.
If you dont use band-aids youll likely die of infection.
SL: Wow, doesnt that sound great! Doesnt that make you want to go out and buy some bandaids of your very own?
Nellie: It sure does! And now back to your regularly scheduled programming.
AM: That testimonial was obviously fake. This is what I meant by new inventions with no
purpose, these exact items are making America too materialistic.
SL: Just who the hell do you think you are, making these accusations? I agree with your point of
view, but it contradicts everything you stand for! You idly sit around and watch people flock to
the vendors like flies to a light, making millions off the very people you condemn! DAMN
MATERIALISM!!! No one says it enough! Its taking over the nation, tying people up in the
fake and pretty! THESE DAMN NEW KIDS CANT DO ANYTHING BUT STARE AND
DROOL!!! Why if I find one smart person who isnt obsessed with their things, Ill jump off a
bridge!
LL: Are you suggesting that helping invent new ways of medical aid is a waste?
AM: Its a waste when its not needed. Ive seen war and these band-aids wont fix a thing.
Obsessions with useless objects are the exact meaning of being materialistic. Which is a bad
thing, and I wont support the downfall of society.
LG: Thats where youre wrong. Bend-aids save people, theyre like diamonds, I mean diamonds
saved me from a life of bland and plain clothing. THE ONLY REASON YOU SAY NEW IS
BAD IS BECAUSE YOUR OLD AS SIN ITSELF!!!!!!!
AM: And now youre just selling yourself out! Can you have any form of original thought or do
you just spout useless nonsense pumped into you by companies?
SL: Damn! As far as I can tell there are two votes yes, and two votes no for whether America is
becoming too materialistic. I think we need audience participation, or this argument will be
drawn on forever.
LL: Now who from the audience would like to help us break the tie?
(Someone is called up and brought up to the stage)

LG: What do you think, has America become too materialistic? Do my style and beauty not fill
your dreams? I mean didnt my job and life SAVE your life.
(Random Audience Member talks about how materialism is bad)
AM: See, there you have it. Respectable society does support the idea that America has been
ruined, even if you young hooligans dont.
(Voices of protest by Gish and Long are shushed by Lewis)
SL: Hope this helped...even if only to show you the stupidity of the argument made by Ms. Long
and Ms. Gish. And seeing as thats time, I think wed all better leave. Good morning folks! and
good-bye!
AM: These damn kids always cutting me-...
SL: Hey Rogers! You mind moving this along? Were done here.
Will: Okay, uh...now we bring you a recording of Nellie Bly live from Paris.
News Segment: Charles Lindberghs trip across the Atlantic
NELLIE: We are here for a momentous occasion, and possibly the highlight of the decade.
Charles Lindberg has landed in Paris! After thirty-six hours flying over the tumultuous cold seas
from New York to France, he is the first person to fly across the Atlantic Ocean, non-stop! I think
Lindberg should be changed to Legendary.

Segment 4: Prohibition
NELLIE: In other news, ever since the 18th Amendment went into effect in 1920 our nation has
been plagued by crime, speakeasies and licentious, yet fun behavior. Now we hear from
Fiorello LaGuardia, Marie Waite, Al Capone and the spirit of Carrie Nation.
WILL: Nellie, what do you say we get a drink after this segment- Im sure we will both need at
least 3 or 4.
Nellie: Haha, lets wait until the 21st Amendment is ratified, Will.
LAGUARDIA and WAITE: Hi, Will.
WILL: Well, lets get right to it, because weve got a lot to cover today. Lets start with you,
Fiorello. (pause, LaGuardia nods) What is your stance on prohibition, and why?

LAGUARDIA: Thats a good question, Will. Prohibition has proven disastrous in the long run.
Alcohol is tradition to the American lifestyle, and people still drink, only now our jails fill up
with those who chose to continue drinking.
WILL: Marie, what do you think about prohibition?
WAITE: I agree with Fiorello. Alcohol has brought me to my current glory, what with all the
money it provides. I make money with or without prohibition, because alcohol is always in
demand. If there is prohibition, I sell alcohol. If there isnt prohibition, I sell alcohol. I frankly
couldnt care less, as long as Im selling alcohol, and that happens either way.
WILL: Sounds like youve got it all sorted out, but lets move on now. How do you think
prohibition has affected the country? Did it succeed to: (reads intently)
1. eliminate drunkenness and resulting abuse?
2. get rid of saloons, and therefore diminish
prostitution and gambling?
3. prevent absenteeism and job accidents?
WAITE: Well, all I know is that when the Prohibition Act was passed, my business sales rose.
Once the act was passed, alcohol consumption rose as far as I can tell.
WILL: Right. Fiorello, what can you tell us about the accomplishments of the Prohibition Act?
LAGUARDIA: All that the Prohibition Act accomplished was creating more problems for an
already troubled nation.
WILL: Understandably so. Now, why do you think prohibition was not necessary? Fiorello?
LAGUARDIA:You already know my opinion. Prohibition is meaningless. If you insist on asking
me the same question, then why am I still here? If this is what I have to deal with, Im leaving.
(walks off stage, huffing)
WILL: (Watches him walk off) (turns towards audience) You know what folks? Well be right
back. (yelling to offstage) Lets go to commercial!

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WILL: Welcome back folks.Why dont we get another view on this pressing topic? Lets go live
with the well known Chicago Gangster, Al Capone, in the Pennsylvania State Penitentiary by
phone, of course.
WILL: Hello? Al Capone? Can you hear me all right?
CAPONE: Yeah, sure.
WILL: I understand youre locked away as a result of murder and carrying concealed weapons.
CAPONE: Yeah Like I always say, you can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than
you can with a kind word alone.
WILL: Well, Im calling to talk to you about an issue, that you are quite likely familiar withprohibition. What is your stance?
CAPONE: Yeah Prohibition. See, it's good but it's bad, know what Im saying? I can make a
smooch, selling giggle water and such, but I still like to take a drink sometimes, yeah? I miss
walking down the road with the James boys, revolver in one hand, glass in the other. Do that
today, got the cops on yo ass.
WILL: Wow. So if you had the choice - Prohibition or no Prohibition?
CAPONE: Nah, see, thats like asking me to pick between my mama and my pop; there aint no
good choice. Both got them ups and downs, so, whichever, Im good.
WILL: Well, just for arguments sake. Pick one.
CAPONE: I got a lot of money. Like, a lot, see? So I dont really need tons more from the giggle
business. I got lots of other money makers, so I rather end prohibition. Its not like I would
lose that much money, I basically own Chicago. It would be nice to drink in the open. And I
dont like being prosecuted for selling my good. When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when
patrons serve it on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality. Damn.
WILL: Thats interesting. (nods) Now, just to indulge our audience, what is your favorite thing to
do?

CAPONE: Well, I like all the things yous would think is bad. Shootin, drinkin, layin around,
see what Im sayin?
WILL: Wow, but you seem quite intelligent for a (pause) gangster. (sound very white)
CAPONE: Yeah, I guess, but honestly, I ain't even know what street Canada is on.
WILL: Hmm, yeah that sounds like the Scarface we all know, doesnt it (toward audience). Nice
talking to you (to Capone).
CAPONE: NAH, it wasnt nice talking to you. I hate that name. You best have kept yous mouth
shut. Watch when I bust out Im coming fo you. (hangs up loudly)
WILL: Now, lets go to our next guest, Carrie Nation, from beyond the grave. (applause)
WILL: So, Carrie, tell us about yourself.
NATION: I was born in Garrard County, Kentucky. I had five siblings and a mother thatd lost
her mind. I had two husbands. Neither marriage worked out, but my first sorry excuse of a
husband inspired me to live my life advocating prohibition because of his alcoholism. I never left
my house without my bible and my hatchet. I took that trusty hatchet with me to the grave.
WAITE: Hey! I am no longer married either! My husband died in a shootout, and now all I do is
use men and then kill them by encasing them in concrete and dropping them into the sea.
WILL: Good to know. (scoots away from WAITE) Carrie, arent you known as The Woman with
the Hatchet, the Smasher. And this was all because of your very vocal stance on alcohol, correct?
NATION: Yes, I suppose. Both vocal and physical. I pride myself in being one of the first
women to state my opinions so forcefully. I made a variety of speeches to the public and often
marched into saloons, hatchet in hand to serve those booze guzzling boozehounds some justice.
WAITE: You know, Ms Nation, I like you and your hatchet. Its too bad you've been dead since
1911. Now, Im all for alcohol- I sell it for a living- but I agree, you should terrorize saloons. Itll
give me more business. I sell all types of alcohol- sometimes even more than saloons offer- from
my trading posts in the Florida Straits.
WILL: I have one more question for you, Carrie.
NATION: What is it?
WILL: Why should others support prohibition like you?
NATION: Alcohol is just bad. There is no other way of putting it. People drink to forget their
problems, but all that alcohol does is cause more problems. If you want to forget about the world
for awhile, just take a nap.
(Think about Carrie hatcheting up a bar to conclude.

WAITE: I beg to differ. Alcohol isnt all bad- (NATION cuts her off)
NATION: Alcohol is all bad! There aint no redeeming factors! In fact, theres a saloon up the
street thats still sellin alcohol. Im about to run up there and hatchet it up! Youre free to join
me!
WAITE: (running with NATION) Yeah!

News Segment: Blackwells Island Asylum reform

WILL: So, Nellie, I heard about those articles you wrote for the New York World, several years
back, yeah? That asylum on Blackwells Island. Has it gotten any feedback yet?
NELLIE: Ah, yes! I went undercover and investigated the conditions of patients. It was
disheartening to see the amount of neglect and brutality I and other women had faced. They dont
deserve this! None do! They need and deserve respect and adequate care to get better.
Thankfully, the Department of Public Charities was given more funding through this to improve
these places.
WILL: Thats wonderful to hear.
NELLIE: Yeah, these important issues ought to be brought to the publics eye. (coughs) You
should buy my book about it by the way. (coughs again, nudges WILL) Ten Days in a Madhouse is only twenty-five cents.
Segment 5: Flappers
WILL: Okay, back on topic. Were about to get firsthand looks at one of the most controversial
groups around: Flappers! In a segment wed like to call Flapper Fury.

NELLIE: Welcome to todays airing of Flapper Fury, where we hear politically active women
discussing everything about flappers and their opinions on the topic. We are joined here today by
three women. Dorothy Parker, Margaret Sanger, and Lois Long.
LONG: Its a delight to be here.
NELLIE: Glad to hear it. Why dont you three introduce yourselves?
LONG: Well you know me, Lois Long. I write stories for the New Yorker based on New York
nightlife. Youve probably read my column, it's a total hit!
PARKER: Very modest of you. (LONG rolls eyes)
LONG: One of my favorite articles I wrote was The Shaggy Hair Story, about modern hairstyles.
It reads A trio of glamorous gamines named Audrey Hepburn, Jeanmaire and Leslie Caron have
recently rocketed--
NELLIE: Im sorry we dont have time for-LONG: (interrupts) Just a bit more. As I was saying, these glamorous gamines have recently
rocketed across the landscape artistically and bid fair also to typify the most recent outbreak
of--
NELLIE: (interrupts, forcefully) We really need to keep moving. Ms. Sanger, we havent heard
from you yet. Anything you would like the listeners to know about you?
SANGER: Well, Im Margaret Sanger. Im the founder of the American Birth Control League,
and currently the president of it.
PARKER: Ive written some poems, theyre not all that good.
LONG: Of course they aren't very good, you wrote them dear. (Pretentiously)
PARKER: (grumbles) Good thing you didnt, or the world would never hear the end of it.
NELLIE: Now, lets keep this civil. Why dont you read one of your favorites, Ms. Parker, since
we actually scheduled some time for that? (Coughs lightly, looking at LONG)

PARKER: I guess so. Remember that Im not pretending to be any great writer, like some of us.
(Eyes glance over to LONG.) But, I think I have one that really fits this situation. Its an excerpt
from a poem called Hymn of Hate.
I hate the young set;
They harden my arteries.
They are the Boy Authors;
The ones who are going to put belle lettres on their feet.
They kneel down and ask H. L. Mencken
To bless them and make them good boys.
They are always caring volumes with home-cut pages,
And saying that after all, there is only one Remy de Gourmont;
Which doesnt get any dissension out of me.
They shrink from publicity
As you or I would
From the gift of a million dollars.
At the drop of a hat
They will give readings from their works-In department stores,
Or grain elevators,
Or ladies dressing rooms
(mutters: or on radio shows)
LONG: Abruptly Oh, were saying something? I was falling asleep Ms. Announcer, do you
have any more questions for us?

NELLIE: Of course, Ms. Long. Since the show is called Flapper Fury, I would like to hear each
of your opinions on flappers.
LONG: Oh I love em... Flappers remind me so much of myself; and they follow my quote
"Tomorrow we may die, so let's get drunk and make love."
SANGER: Only if you plan to use birth control!
PARKER: (Mutters) Only fools with nothing new to say quote themselves.
LONG: Glares at PARKER Trust me I have plenty to say.
PARKER: Im not saying you don't have plenty to say, Im saying you have too much of the
same stupid thing to say.
NELLIE: Okay, ladies let's stay on topic. Back to flappers. (laughs nervously)
SANGER: Obviously, Ms. Long is delusional. How could flappers be good? They drink too
much alcohol and have premarital sex and they end up having $5 dollar back-alley abortions or
problems with their pregnancy. But, of course, the birth control pill that Im creating could fix
their problems.
LONG: How can an old prude like you tell young women how to live their lives? The last time
you went on a date was probably during the Civil War.
SANGER: Excuse me, I wasnt even alive during the Civil War.
PARKER: Interjects This is getting ridiculous. You are both so full of yourselves its maddening.
Especially you Lois, you are such a flapper, shallow and childish.
LONG: You say that like its a bad thing. Flappers are happy, active women who just want to live
their lives.
PARKER: I understand that. Its okay, actually, its a good thing to live your life the way you
want to. But these flappers waste their lives, pursuing their own fleeting shallow and childish
wishes; and do nothing of value to help in the fight for women's rights.

SANGER: Exactly what Ms. Parker said. Flappers like you are the perfect example of whats
wrong with this society. I watched my mother give birth to child after child; and eventually, she
couldn't handle all of them and she died at only 50 year old. If flappers keep running around,
getting pregnant with men they don't even know, they are going to end up just like my mother.
LONG: I really wish that we could see the same way, but I don't think I could manage to get my
head that far up my-NELLIE: (Abruptly, interrupting LONG) Oooooookay lets go to a quick commercial break.
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NELLIE: ...And welcome back to Flapper Fury. I think we should move on to newa less
controversial topic. Now ladies, whats your opinion on flapper fashion?
LONG: Oh I absolutely adore it. I love that women are finally feel free to express themselves,
with the short pretty dresses and the big pretty hair, as I mentioned in The Shaggy Hair Story.
PARKER: Ugh. Everything about flappers is obnoxious.
SANGER: I know! And must you keep mentioning your article all the time? We get that you
think youre the best writer but that doesnt mean the rest of us want to hear you brag about your
amazing articles. (Rolls eyes)
LONG: At least I have something to brag about, honey.
NELLIE: How do you three manage to get off topic every single time? Back to the point.

PARKER: These imbeciles with their big heads keep picking fights with each other, so we can
never get anywhere!
LONG: Youre the one that always starts everything! Im done here.
SANGER: I'm finished talking with you idiots! Good day!
NELLIE: I guess were done then? Thank you listeners for coming to this special show, a Decade
in Review.

WILL: And now WJZZ brings the freshest big band hits before a live dancing audience- Please
join us on the dance floor for the latest sensation- THE CHARLESTON. See you in 1930, folks!

NELLIE: (invites everyone through gestures)