A Quick Update.

January 30, 2008

But first, a lengthy digression.
In my last blog post (anachronistically title The Latest ) I laid a sophisticated t
rap for those terrors of telecommunications, those miscreants of MySpace, those
dictators of dastardly diction, the Grammar Nazis. Unfortunately, they have outs
marted me for the first time, and completely ignored my bait.
I do not, however, wish that you, my public, should be spared the joy of seeing
my plans come to glorious fruition, and so I will post here, in these hallowed s
paces, a re-creation of what should have been, a pre-creation if you will, of the
explosive confrontation that never actually happened.
To set the scene, let us imagine a beautiful blond woman in front of a computer,
the wind blowing through her lustrous locks. Let us imagine that, after she tur
ns off the fan, she loads up MySpace, and what is more, my space. But take a clo
ser look. This is no ordinary woman. She has a moustache!
And a hell of a moustache it is.
Let us now imagine that she loads up my latest post, which is at that time The La
test. But as she reads the post, she does not have the ordinary responses of a no
rmal human being. She is not moved, does not laugh, does not cry, and seems almo
st apathetic to the masterpiece in front of her eyes. Instead, she takes a calcu
lated air, until she comes to the third paragraph from the last, and then the ca
llous, moustachioed monster barks an inhuman laugh.
I have him now! she shrieks, pulling down her copy of Funk and Goebbels just in ca
se. A quick check, and she begins to type:
Herr Jonathan,
I have had the misfortune to read your latest entry, and may I be the first to t
ell you and the world that it is a crock of crap? It is!
Perhaps nothing gives you away more clearly than the fact that you say the astro
naut recruiter goes by the unlikely nom-de-plume of Jer. But it is well attested to
that nom-de-plume means pen name, and does not refer to mere nikcnames!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Heil Hitler,
A Grammar Nazi.
This, of course, is just what I was waiting for!
Dear Miss Nazi, I begin. I am afraid you have jumped the gun. In my next post, or p
ossibly the post after next, I will reveal what until now I had preferred not to
reveal, namely that Jer is in fact mute, and can only communicate through the wri
tten word!
What is more, you seem to have transposed the letters k and c in nicknames, you
ignorant strumpet.
I find I almost pity you, for your attempted derision has done nothing more than

show you for the fool you are! Perhaps now you may begin to see the errors inhe
rent in National Socialism, and all fascist or totalitarian goverments.
Incidentally, that is a very impressive moustache.
A Friend of Freedom,
Jonathan
Truly it would have been one for the ages.
Lastly, the short update: I have filled out the first six pages of the astronaut
training application form. So far, it has been a series of Word Jumbles with on
e Sudoku thrown in. Any ideas what onom could be? (The Clue is The Sea of Tranquili
ty is here. )
Till next time.