Defensive positions

NOW WITH 10 MORE DEFENSIVE POSITIONS

(But it’s kind of offensive if you think about it)

The guide of rules:

1. You may use any defensive attack in any order of awesomeness

2. Items used in this book come at your own cost

3. Always be prepared and know your defences

4. And the motto of this book is ‘Be prepared’

Written and promoted by Warren Liebenberg

1. Hold one finger up

2. Hold two fingers up

3. Hold three fingers up

4. Hold four fingers up

5. Hold five fingers up

6. Hold six fingers up

7. Hold seven fingers up

8. Hold eight fingers up

9. Hold nine fingers up

10. Hold ten fingers up

11. Hold one hand up

12. Hold two hands up

13. Hold a fake hand up

14. Hold two fake hands up

15. Attempt to slap someone and run away

16. Throw the fake hand at them……… then run

17. If you are in a secure area, call in an air strike

19. Put your hands in your shirt as if you have a weapon of some kind

20. Rip off your clothes in an attempt to show them how strong you are

21. Say you were bitten by an atomic super bug and you will use force

22. Describe with the person the meaning of oiduts, they will get it

23. Give them a handshake, and then rip off their arm

24. Give them a hi five, and then rip off their arm

25. Say it was a misunderstanding, and then rip off their arm

26. Shoot some silly string at them

27. Point a pound of bears you will use later on

28. By now you’re wondering why you are still reading this

29. But it’s ok; you just want to know how to fend off criminally insane robots with a toothbrush and
a monkey on steroids
30. So here it goes

31. If you want to save yourself from robots, just gather up some homeless guys and a bucket of
paint, when the time comes you’ll know what to do with them

32. If by chance you have studied the meaning of oiduts then you can hit them with a text book of
some kind

33. To scare the pants off them, say you are an alien and you will get down on the ground and call
them in your underwear, will reciting the national book of world records

34. If you carry a paint gun, I know I do, then throw it in any direction and run like hell

35. For this one you’ll need a guinea pig, and a library card, firstly gain access to the library, then
throw the guinea pig at them

36. Crap only number 36.

37. Well do you want to know more?

38. Of course you do, so put on a translucent jacket and let’s go

39. Pretend you’re a stalker, everyone’s afraid of stalkers, except me, cause I’m batman, not Sean,
his just a batman poser

40. I know more than anyone how easy it is to carry a rape whistle but, it’s even more effective if
you just scream out rape and run off

41. Pick up a rock and then shove it down your pants everyone will crap themselves

42. While being confronted, gather up some friends and have a massive hand orgy, it won’t help but
damn it rocks

43. Speaking of which, Sean, you have an appointment at three, sharp

44. Um, what else can I tell you?

45. Oh, yah put on some glasses they will instantly make you invisible

46. oh, wait that’s just invisigirl, well I might help anyway

47. Take out your trusty Siamese fighting fish and chuck it at them, being a fighting fish means it will
use it jujitsu and kick their butts

48. Seek help from the allusive bearded turtle, and if you know have the knowledge of the capsicum,
he will help

49. Jump in the air and then run like there’s no tomorrow

50. Jump in the air and do two triple back flips

51. If under the f0 place, thingy, then jump on the roof and try to stay there
52. Pick up an echidna and lick it

53. Crap I feel sorry for you if you just did that

54. Man I can’t stop laughing you suck, but really if you did I like your commitment, TO THE MAX!!!!

55. If you’re into crazy stunts them get ready for the next one, seriously

56. Requires a unicycle and a pound of bears, who feels lucky now?!!!!

57. Try to consume a handball, and say you will shoot it through your nose at them, you will not
believe how many times this has worked

58. Shove your lip balm up their noses

59. But I mean who carries lip balm, except the hulk

60. Make a mama joke, that’ll do pretty much nothing but at least you’ll go down with a laugh

61. TO THE MAAAAXXXXXXXXX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, MAX POWER YAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

62. Wave your arms randomly in the air

63. Wave your arms randomly in the air while running away like a little girl

64. Curl up in a ball and wait till the ordeal is over

65. Grab their arm and pull it up behind their back, then, RIP IT OFFFFFFF!!!!!!!

66. Do the mystical fish dance (refer to warren for mystical fish dance)

67. Attach a car battery to their, um, how shall I put this, “their pair down there”, and blast away

68. Why am I doing this, really?

69. I mean even I know that a cd can be used to, oh your back!!!!!!!!!

70. Well, then

71. Did anyone ever find it strange that I’m writing this down?

72. Ok, anyway, you can always divide them by zero,

73. Then try to multiply them by the pi button

74. Beware in doing this you have just launched a missile from America to the Middle East

75. Nah, not really but wouldn’t that be awesome

76. Ok, last page, and you thought I wouldn’t make it but you were wrong

77. Ok, never tried it but, fake a phone call and calmly walk away

78. Throw some pottery you stole from the pottery barn
79. Ok, this is experimental, but try and kick them

80. Now do a chuck Norris round house kick

81. Now do a 180 degree twista-flip and aim for the weenies

82. Once complete enjoy in a sweet victory by ripping off his other arm

83. Hey, here’s an idea, have you tried to hit him

84. You could always pull the bird, try to humiliate him before he destroys you

85. Read to him the book of Eli, and then smash him with it

86. Ok, pull your own arm off, and throw it at him

87. If you just did that, …………. I am soooo proud of you

88. Try pointing to something on his shirt only to pull out your miniature switch blade and cut off
your own finger

89. Release some sort of disease, into his environment of course

90. Tell him to look up and then shove a pencil up his nose

91. Use a rubber to erase his face

92. Now it’s time to tell you what to do with the unicycle and the pound of bears

93. You need to get on the unicycle and gather up all the bears

94. Then throw them at him while playing basketball on the unicycle

95. And then get the mad daddy turtle to do some massive tricks

96. This will in turn increase your translucent t-shirt

97. And eliminate the pound of bears

98. Now one more thing

99. Just a tiny thing……..

100. If all else fails then discuss with him the book of defensive positions that I have just given you,
and rip off his “pair down there”

101. A classic in the making, so listen up, take out your trusty spondonacles, grab him/it by the ear,
and throw him to the ground, and then RIP HIS ARM OFF!!!!!!!!

102. Now if you have some loose bungy cord hanging around, just tie it to his nose hairs and armpit
hairs, if you desire, and suspend him over the nearest tree, then RIP HIS ARM OOFFFF!!!!!!!!!!

103. Take a snickers bar out of your pocket, CAUTION, take it out slowly, and then eat it
104. Take out your stable gun, and pierce the ear of your closest friend; you can decide whether it’s
the person nearest or whether you are good friends

105. Take your motorbike out of your pants and ride it through the sun, yah you heard me through
the sun

106. Has anyone seen the new twilight movie? Nope, didn’t think so

107. And does anyone care that as I write this I have a scorpion currently eating away at my left knee

108. Shove some corn in his ear and then use a hair dryer that you have just found, and bombs away

109. So yah the other day I used a hub cap to scare off a couple of street gangs, about ten at once,
want to know how I did it, well too bad

110. I have a secret, you can always buy a cloud sucker, it sucks clouds by the way, and well then
suck the clouds, and shoot it at him, dam that rocks

And thank you for reading the complete and newly revised edition of Defensive Positions