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November 2010

BOLSHEVIKI

David Fennario

davidfennario@hotmail.com

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Slapstick

Charlie Chaplin's impassive face

the universal mask

that orphans learn to

show to the world

revolutionaries too

learn to mask their feelings

it's nothing personal

first comes food then morality

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STAGE NOTES

The Setting

‘Bolsheviki’ is designed to be performed whenever and wherever with a minimum of

staging. It has been performed in union halls,class rooms,living rooms ,taverns and
community halls and also as a set piece in a theatre.

The Source Notes supplying historical background information on ‘Bolsheviki’ can be

presented in part or whole as an installation set,with appropriate images used to
illustrate pertinent quotations from the play.

The audience would view the set with its informative presentation before taking
their seats and then have time to review the information presented after the show.

The Performance

The actor performing ‘Bolsheviki’ should never at any time pretend to be the
character, or pretend that what is being demonstrated is actually happening.
Do not act as if you are on camera.
Do not act as if there is an invisible wall up in front of you.
Be there with the audience
Show what you are showing.

Showing has to be Shown

Among all the varied attitudes which you

Show when showing how people play their parts
The attitude of showing must never be forgotten
All attitudes must be based on the attitude of showing
This is how to practice:
Before you show the way a man betrays himself
Or is seized by jealousy or concludes a deal
First look at the audience, as if you wish to say
'Now take note, this man is betraying someone
and this is how he does it. This is what he's

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like when jealousy seizes him and this is

how he deals when dealing'
In this way your showing will keep the attitude of showing
of putting forward what has been made ready,
of finishing of continually going further
So show that what is shown is something that
you show every night, have often shown before
and your playing will resemble a weaver's weaving,
the work of a craftsman
and all that goes with showing, like your
continual concern to make watching simpler
always to ensure the best view of every episode
- that too should be made visible
Then all this betraying and dealing
And being seized by jealousy will be
As it were imbued with something of
The quality of daily operation
Like eating, saying good morning and
Doing your work – for you are working aren't you?
And behind your stage role you yourself
must be visible as those who are playing them.

- Bertolt Brecht.

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[Video shows clip of ceremony on Parliament Hill. Jerry Nines enters, ad libs about

the video on the TV]

That is our Prime Minister last April. Thanks Jen. Moving isn’t it.

Here is what he said, according to the Globe and Mail, our national newspaper.. you

know the one that went glossy last month and now looks like an advertising insert

for Walmart’s? Friday April the 9th, 2010

“Fierce warriors with tender hearts,rock-ribbed patriots with a sense of international

responsibility-who writes this shit?-these men embodied a greatness that later

generations of Canadians have striven to emulate.. The men and women who still

today go to trouble spots around the world to free entire populations from the yoke

of tyranny.”

This was just four months after Prime Minister Stephen Harper, our great champion

of democracy around the world, prorogued the House of Parliament, rather than

permit a parliamentary enquiry into the alleged torture of Afghanistan detainees by

those ‘fierce warriors with tender hearts‘..who voted for Stephan Harper?..anybody

out there?..never meet anybody who voted for him but he got elected

Takes a drink

I’m working on something about the resisters who got executed during that war, so

I dug this out the other day, my old notebook from 1978, back when I was a skinny

ass twenty three year old freelance reporter working on a 'human interest' story for

the Montreal gazoo -Gazette in 1978 on Remembrance Day taking in the

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ceremonies at the Cenotaph memorial in Dominion Square..

’Make sure ya get their address kid..and the phone number’..

Yah yah..so I worked the crowd trying to get some quotes here and there and then

headed across the street here to Mother Martin’s?.. before it got gentrified?..been

there forever with the pickled eggs getting petrified in this big glass jar and Claude

the waiter getting more and more deaf and me not yet knowing I’d still be with the

Gazoo shovelling semi-colons thirty years later but then sitting there with a quart of

Molson-Claude brought everyone a quart of Molson-didn’t matter what you ordered-

and this notebook- skinny ass twenty three year old soon to be international media

star me- thinking well don’t look like I’m gonna get much from the old farts out

there..so,maybe I can just do a ..?.. background piece?

..yeah..on,on?..Cenotaph?..Do you know what Cenotaph means?..I.got it here in

my old notebook..Reads from the notebook..It means ‘A monument to one who is

buried elsewhere’.. 68,000 thousand of themn they’re talking about..

How many Canadian soldiers been killed in Afghanistan?...So far? ...Gets audience

response..Yah,too many

..So, yeah, use that as my angle..buried elsewhere.. scribbling this down in my

notebook in the bar, with Pierre Eliot Trudeau on the TV up there at the

Remembrance Day ceremonies in Ottawa ..bending over to lay the wreath..when

this guy sitting at the table next to me, older guy with a big bush of white hair

goes..Does lip fart..ppa..ssh.apppptt-ttt..

Does growling voice.

.’Fuck you Trudeau..I hate that snooty-nose son of a bitch..You like Trudeau?’..

’Well, his mother dresses him funny’..

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Oh yeah?.. and he looks at me and then he..Sticks up his arm..sticks up his

hand..‘Hey Doctor!’ he says.’Hey Doctor!’..and when a guy calls a waiter

Doctor?..hmm..sticks his hand back up..‘Hey Doctor..Docteur..meme chose icitte

pour mon ami et un autre Bushmells and cream soda ..no not beer?..,cream

soda..’Beer makes me burp’..he says..

Yeah,yeah,ok ya drink cream soda cause beer makes ya burp..makes perfect sense

to me and..what am I drinking? ..well I’m drinking whatever he's drinking,right?-

pass on the cream soda-and yeah, says he's..staying at the Elbow Tourist Rooms

just around the corner from the One Minute Lunch..bed and breakfast to go.best

deal in town..Always coming into town, he says..’for the occasion, ya know..the

ceremony ’.. cause he was in the First World War..

Oh?..Ok..So I tell him - skinnyass-23-year-old ace reporter soon to be international

media celebrity me-Hey,uh, can I ask you a few questions, get a few quotes on the

First World War cause yeah ..newspaper..want to put what you say in the

newspaper..Yeah, yeah, that's uh, that's the idea..newspaper..

..And he picks up his Bushmells and cream soda..Mixes them...god

forbid..and..takes a shot..Alright he says...where do ya wanna start?..My

name?..You want me to say on the tape recorder what my name is?..you want my

fucking address and social security number too?.. I’ll give ya my name,

alright?..Rosie..that's what they called me, Rosie Rollins..Harry to everybody else,

but it's Rosie whenever I meet any of my old army pals, which is not too often

cause I never go to the Legion or any of those things,cause who the hell wants to

listen to all those old farts talk about things they don't really remember,or think

they do remember but they're not really remembering,they're just repeating the

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bullshit they keep hearing about what they want us to think we remember?..if they

can remember at all. It all about memory.

Is this too complicated for ya?.I mean we can just stop right now and just sit and

just drink?..Ya wanna hear this?..Knocks on table..Hey tapecorder,ya wanna hear

this?..yah..

Anyhow..he says..I can't join the Legion even if I wanted to because you can't join

the Legion if you've ever been a member of the Communist Party.

Yah, yah, I was a regular Bosh-shev-iki even I was never very good at it...Always

telling me I’m out of order-Comrade you’re out of order-Of course I’m fucking out

of order, otherwise I wouldn’t be a fucking Bosh-sheviki,right?..

Stares at audience and suddenly sticks a finger in his mouth

Wait a minute..ahh..see that back there..ahh..see it?..Black Watch did that last

time I was here cause he didn’t like what I had to say about the Royal Canad-dee-

an Legion..told him I voted Oui on the fucking Referendum..maudit bloke de

souche moi..

Takes drink..

Yah..Bol-shev-iki..that's what they called us when we came back after the war and

found ourselves on the streets outta work and started rioting cause we’re pissed

off..yah sure…pissed off after all that bullshit mr.face on the hundred dollar

promised us..gonna do this for us, gonna do that, make the whole wide world

better for all of us by getting rid of the.. Kaiser?..was that the bad

guy?..Yah,Kaiser-Ooo-spike on the helmet-Ooo-spikes on that moustache-Ooo-he

made a good bad guy-Kaiser-ooo .and that other guy-guy that couldn’t swim-

what’s his name..Kitchener, yah,thats the guy Ku-Ku-KKitchener on the p-p-p-

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poster with the f-f-f-finger..Pointing..‘You-You-You and You?..England Expects All of

Youse?.. To Do Your-uh- Double D-d-d-duty Overtime-or something like that’..

But,uh not everybody went for it, I mean the peasoups here in Quebec? They don’t

go for that double duty..‘God Save the King stuff-Mange la marde’..ostie..and I did

hear some socialists talk out against the war in the streets-don’t go they said-rich

man’s war and a poor man’s fight- but I wasn’t really listening even though I liked

the fact that cops didn’t like em-that has to be good..and five years later I was

talking like them in Winnipeg but then uh all the maudit blokes down in the

Point?..we’re already all signing up to march in the big parades in these brand

new uniforms and brand new 303’s on our shoulders..’heros of the night,we’d

rather fuck than fight’.. even though why would ya wanna kill somebody ya don’t

even know in somewhere called Germany when ya never even been off the Island

of Montreal?..

Christ we only went uptown once a year for the Saint Patrick’s Day parade..

But hey, everybody and everything in a goddamn suit and tie,the educated people,

yah educated people all telling us that we’re all in this together boys doing the best

we can for everybody boys altogether boys- God King and Country

boys..and..make the world safe for..safe for?..yah..Democracy..Democracy boys

and..Does a comic salute and does a line from an old army song..

‘Inky dinky parlez vous?’..boys

Yah yah not that I ever gave a shit about that shit but at least in the army I’m

getting three square meals a day-bully beef and beans and a daily tote of that

Jamaican rum,navy rum,the real stuff,so thick you could pour it into your

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hand..Swirls the rum in his hand..And it’d stay there..

Yah, got it made I’m thinking over there in England in this training camp getting

pissed as much as I can on those big pint of bitters..gee I miss those British

pubs..bitters all being paid for by the guys I’m with just to hear me shoot the shit

cause I can make ‘em laugh..

Never laugh myself-haw haw but they think I’m funny..come on Rosie give us that

song there..come on Rosie and ok so I give them one I’ve been doing since I was a

kid, there in the Parker House with my Maw upstairs in a room banging somebody

for the rent and me down in the tavern top of a table five years old singing for

change...tear jerkers. kind of stuff they liked back then..used to do this one ...

[Stands up with hand to heart]

Its called ‘Mother’

[Sings]

“M is for the million things she gave me-slaps in the head

O is only that she’s growing old-and falling drunk down the stairs

T is for the tears she shed to save me-shut the door ya little bastard

H is for her heart as pure as gold-sold it to Honest Harry for ten bucks

E is for her eyes with lovelight shining-40% proof

R is right and right she’ll always be-inside your wallet

Put them altogether they spell?’….didn’t ya go to school?..

…M-O-T-H-E-R..Sings..MOTTHHHEEE-RRRR-RR

[Rosie sits back down]

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Well,the truth of it is..we never liked each other much..took off on me when I was

ten with this bar-room guy i called Buffalow Bill, from somewhere out West..he’s

the that taught me how to do Kip-ups… Used to do kip-ups too.. ya know?.. like

Charlie Chaplin does straight up from the floor?..wrestlers do it now straight from

the mat?..Little Beaver used to do it all the time..must be someone out there

remembers Little Beaver?..that midget French guy wore his hair in a Mohawk?..

Jay-sus,who am I talking to?..buncha people from Ontario?..

..Well,wasn’t much to write home to mother once we get transferred over to France

where the ladies wear no pants..I think it was France although they called it

Flanders for some fucking reason.. ya know like in that fucking poem

there?..Yeah,.In Flander’s Fields.. where the poppies?..uh..come on you know the

poem?..where the poppies?..blow?,.every time I dump my load..

Anyhow it rained all the fucking time we were there near that town the Alleymans

blew all to shit ...nothing there but a pile of bricks they called Ypres-not too far

from mademoiselle from Armentieres-but that’s another story..

Yeah,Ypres...that’s where the commissionaires made sure to give us double rations

of that navy rum when we got into the ditches, they called ‘em trenches, into the

front line first time all wired and ready for the-think it was the Battle of Loos spelt

L-o-o-s..loop de Loos with these five point niners Schh-wanging away..

Shows the looping..Shh-Sh-wwanngg.. Sh-wwanngg...and Sh-wanngg..

and shhu-wheee-ett-we get the whistle-It’s the signal to go up over the bags..

Fix Bayonets, eighteen inches of steel- -Front Rank-About Turn and the First Wave

goes over.. takka-takka-tak..they don’t even know what hit them..and then the

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Second Wave.. Same thing..takka-takka-tak.. dead,they’re all dead..

Then Lieutenant Postlewaite-how can you forget a name like that-Postlewaite-had

these rabbittty teeth-Postlewaite-no helmets in those days..sticks up his

head..Pp..oo..ckk..thats what it sound like..pp..oo..cc..kk..whistle stlll in his

mouth..sshhuu-tt-t-t..when we found his skull few months later..Holds up skull and

points to teeth..Hey its Posssowittt-ssttt..tt..

[Throws skull over his shoulder]

Anyhow,he falls down blub in the mud but we make it over the bags..the Third

Wave machinegun squad-the Lewis machinegun we had issued then- with Jimmy

Kemson carrying the tripod-worked for the CPR- and Mitts Murphy carrying the

ammo-he worked in the Grand Trunk yards-and me with the muzzle-don’t work

nowhere but I’m working hard now cause that muzzle weighs a fucking ton ...

[Cradling the muzzle ]

Over the bags tripping over whats left of the guys in the First and Second

Waves,into this-glu-ck-from all that rain making mud that just-glu-ck-the boots offa

you ...gluck...not kidding ya,it took my boots off-gluu-ccckk...in my socks..gluu-

cckk not getting nowhere soon-gluucckkk and..Calls...‘Hey Rosie,Rosie’..I could

hear my squad but I can't see 'em..’Hey Rosie-gluuu-ccckkk -trying to lift my feet-

gluuccc-kkk-walking like Snoozer..this guy from the neighborhood with feets like

Charlie Chaplin..Gluck..leans crazy to the left..gluck..leans crazy to the

right..gluck..leans crazy backwards..‘Hey Snoozer,how’s your whoozer?’...

gglluucck..Calls..‘Come on Rosie’..but I’m stuck trying to push forward..’Come

on,Rosie’..he’s at the wire with wirecutters and..schwaanng.. those five point

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niners..SCHWAANNNNG.. and..cough-coough..wheres Mitts Murphy?..just his hands

on the wire and the cutters going..

Shows the cutters looping through the air then a pause..No,there was no cutters.

nothing..just gone..‘Put a lamp in the window Mother,for your wandering boy’’.. and

standing there with the muzzle and..Drops muzzle..fuck that and trying to turn-ar-

rounn-dd- when –whoosh-a big gghoossshh of air knocking me down next to

Jimmy Kemson with big piece of his stomach blown out all over..aagghh..really

hurt..and I tell him ‘Ok,Jimmy take it easy, ’but-‘aggghh-it’s hurting-aggghhh-’its

really hurting..

’Mommy-mommy-mommy..

A lot of guys did that, cried for their mothers?..I never did because all I would’ve

got from my old lady was a slap in the head. .

Mom-my..mom-my..mom-my..

aw fuck, just, shut up, shut up and Jimmy he says ..’Rosie,No,No,don’t go..no’..But

I’m going and he’s screaming and screaming..no no no..ok ok...born on Fortune

Street in the Point..Fortune Street..Jimmy Kemson..and ya figure thats got to be

lucky being born on a street with a name like that.. but..thats not how it

works..don’t ever wish me good luck..ever..no no no..gotta go Jimmy..no..and..still

screaming..and you know what I did?...Took a sock off my foot and shoved it down

his mouth..choking and waving his arms..Waves his arms.. til the arms stop

waving..Drops his arms..and..he gets quiet..

Takes a breath

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Ummmm...Ya know, and of all the things I saw in that war,its that sock sticking out

of Jimmy’s mouth that still comes back at me in my dreams..No no.I don't

remember it like a dream, it just comes on me from something I heard or seen and

I'm in it again.. I'm right there..what do you call 'em?..hallucinations..fifty,sixty

years later?.....I don’t know why I told you that..never told anybody that..

[Recites a soldier’s song adding the tune here and there]

Are ya lookin’ for the battalion

I’ll tell ya where they are

Tell ya where they are

Tell ya..where they are

Are ya looking for the battalion

I know just where they are

Eddie Jackson Joe McCoy

Michael Egan Billy Foy

They’re hanging..they’re hanging

Hanging by their balls

they don’t feel too good at all

hanging on the old barb wire

Rosie takes a drink. Then does the Jerry gesture

Anyhow that’s not the way the song finally got printed but that’s the way Rosie did

the words to that song and then just sat there with the tape going and

going..going..til finally he took a drink and said..does Rosie gesture..

next thing I know I'm lying there in the mud with blood coming out of my ears and

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the top of my little finger missing..wheres the rest of my fucking finger ?..wifes not

gonna like that..

And uhhh..feeling like .. uhhh.. and not really wanting to come back to feeling

things again,ya know what I mean?..cause it feels sorta good not feeling anything

but..Uhhh..but this French voice keeps saying..hey, Rosie-Rosie tu m'entends?-tu

m'entends-Rosie?..

And ok (Cough) ok and he starts pouring that navy rum down my throat and

(coughs) ok (cough) ok..arrete stop..gonna kill me..

..And that's how I got to know him..Rummie..Rummie Robidou ...

[Takes out his wallet]

..Used to have a picture of him but I lost it,so I keeps this picture of Rocket

Richard..Holds up photo..Yah cause it reminds me of Rummie..

From some place out in the bush-Saint Catherine de Bedbug or somewhere like

that..Got himself into some kind of strike that went real bad in a chantier,logging

camp..somebody got shot or something and he’s outta there over here to France

where the Black Watch wear no pants,figuring well,nobody’s going to look for a

peasoup with bow legs in a kilt ostie cause very few French guys from Quebec are

into that kind of stuff..Not too crazy about the Union Jack..

Well being Irish from the Point I’m not too crazy about it neither when I bother to

think about it which is just about only never..snarls..’Ya dirty Protestant baw-

sterd’..

I mean who the fuck wants to be Irish.. gotta be stupid to wanna be Irish..only

people from Beaconsfield want to be Irish..does Performer gesture..That’s an in

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joke..thats me saying that..Eh?..you can tell the difference when its me, Robert

King saying something?.. me doing David Fennario doin’ Jerry Nines Does Jerry

gesture doing Rosie Rollins Does Rosie gesture doing Rummie Robidou? Does

Rummie gesture..for those academics out there its called..Acting

But anyhow other guys they’re calling Rummie peasoup ,french frog,stuff like that

giving him a hard time til he punchs out a few guys.. boom.. boom..boom..mimics

someone folding up and dropping..like chopping down a tree..

but.. he likes me,we’re pals cause I don't know why-maybe cause I speak the

hostie de tabarnac de crisse de calice de Francais..chantez la pomme,heh?..

Well nothing much to chantez about in the ditches, sorry trenchs, ..us sitting out in

the rain ..nose cold ears cold feet cold dicks cold..drip drip drip..blankets wrapped

around us with the officers nice and dry in the deep dug out and us in the..drip drip

drip..never see that in the photographs,eh?..us sitting there with our cold dicks

..drip drip drip.. always playing cards for cigarettes..Holds up cards..’I’ll raise ya

two rollies and one tailor made’...’What have ya got?’..course I already knew what

Rummie's got in his hand cause the cards are so wornout we could read them from

the back..hey..crisse de caline de bin..

Slaps down the playing cards and grins

Ah,don’t worry Rummie I said cause he’s frowning..Rummie..back in Moe-ree-al

gonna take ya to Mother Martins and the beer and the roast beef all on me..de roti

de roast de beef de boef de pea des pois de susse de sauce de crème de

cream..ouai.and drink and drink and drink..ouai..drink..does Jerry Nines

gesture..and even though its New Years Eve says Rosie we’re all feeling kinda pissy

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cause we don’t want to hear no more shit about being home soon like the Colonel

told us earlier in the day cause they told us that last year and we’re still here

because we’re here because we’re here..

And ben well,Rummie says and I remember this cause it’s the first time I heard

Rummie talk so much English..and ben well he says..well he says..why stop the war

when the war is making money hein?..

Ah oui for sure un gar la m’a dites que those shells theere?..the five point niners

they cost you know how much?..ma soeur there back in Quebec Marie-des-neiges?-

they got names like that out in the bush-Marie-des-neiges,she works in the

Munitions and she tells me..cinq cent piastres..five hundred dollars..and how many

do they shoot just this week?..and last week?..and the week before?..so how much

is that?..to do what?..to make money,I’m telling you Rosie..

‘Yah,ok,so you’re telling me..

Bais,but suppose if I tell the alleyman over there..Calls out..‘Hey Fritz we are

stopping the five point niners –we are just going to give you the money’..whats he

going to do,Fritz?..well he’s going to take the money and go home..that guy..merci

beaucoup..dankeshoen, no more war..

Yah but meanwhile we’re getting kind of wavy on the gravy when …when..Psss..sss

boom..jumps..Holy shit-lamarde!..a Very light goes up psss-ss-boom red white

and..green?..Yah,green cause it's Happy New Year..1917..And now we’re getting

real wavy on that navy and one of the guys starts singing ...

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We’re here because we’re here because we’re here

we’re here because we’re here

We’re here because we’re here because we’re here

Well and ya know what happens?.Rosie claps..We gets applause, yah ...

Claps again..from the Germans,the Alleymans just across the way..Claps his hands

and cheers..’Wunderbar!..Wunderbar?...

Ok,so we start singing the song again and the Alleymans start singing it and we all

start singing it together..

‘Ver hee-uh becose ver hee-uh becose ver hee-uh becose ver hee-uh..and this big

Alleyman with this big opera voice,he climbs out of the trench and..

.,Booming voice..

‘Verr Her-yah becose Ver Her-yah Becose Ver Her-yah Beee-Cccc-Oooo-Sss-Eee

Veeerrrrrr-rrrr-rrr-Hhhhhh-eeeeeee-Rrr-rrrrrrr-RRRRR-HHHHEEEE_RRRRR

Claps

..and we're clapping and whistling when a bunch of officers come over and tell us to

stop..Ya can't do this cause it's,it's?-fraternizing they call it-I call it having a good

time but they call it fraternizing with the enemy and order us to start shooting at

the Alleymans..Of course that pisses the Alleymans off and they start shooting back

and people start getting shot again..boom boom boom every night.. right into..took

awhile to warm up..into what they called that Vimy Ridge thing..

Yah yah I was there.. Vimy fucking Ridge..’Birth of a Nation’ they

Keep telling us...but I didn’t see nobody getting born, just a lot of people dying for

a stupid fucking hill for no good stupid fucking reason at all cause we ended up

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walking away from it later anyhow..with the photographer saying come on boys

smile and show the folks back home you’re not downhearted..smile..

and it’s the picture you see in some of the history books but we’re not smiling,we’re

yelling..Fuck you and fuck your fucking camera and this fucking hill and the fucking

folks back home..hip hip hop hop ho ho.. got the message?..

We don’t want to die

And Rummie he says..’Ben Rosie me I think we got to do something hein..like in

the chantier avec les bucherons there in the bush when the cold, it gets too cold or

the food, it gets too bad to eat - hey boss, we can't h'eat dis - 'too bad for you,' he

says - but too bad for him too heh?..because soon we start to make sure when the

cold gets too cold and the food it gets too bad that things they go bad too. They

break down, they don't work and we don't work - 'hey boss, I don't know'-

until,ok,even the boss, meme que le boss, he understands he's got to stop making

us do what we don't want to do, eh..tu comprends Rosie?..

je comprends alright that this peasoup’s gonna get his peasoup ass shot full of

holes thats what I comprend..but Rummie he says ‘Ben Rosie they can’t shoot h’us

h’all hein?’..

Rosie shakes his head..

Ok..I warned him..so we talk to the other guys wwith me sometimes explaining

what Rummie’s saying en francais twee and pretty soon Rummie me and the other

guys we start doing things for ourselves and started doing things de-lib-

erately..yah that’s the word del-lib-berately just amongst ourselves deciding this is

what we do and this is what we don’t do and this is what we pretend to do even

though we’re not really doing it..Salutes..Yes sir right away sir..next day..Yes Sir

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right away sir..Salutes..and the next day..Salutes..Yes sir,right away sir..and the

next day..You mean ya wanted the guns over there,sir?..Points..sideways up yer

ass sir?..

Anyhow usually the officers wanting to move guns don’t last long..the ones gunning

for promotion..snipers get ‘em..pp-pocc-kk..what was his name?..pp-poc-kk..there

goes another one..pp-ppoocc-kk..and some of them were yah ok guys but being ok

didn’t matter..it still got us killed..they were dangerous to everybody and no big

loss to nobody except to the guys making five hundred cinq cent piastre a shell and

they musta fired over a million of them at Vimy doing double duty overtime

And while they’re working out ways of counting all the money they made, we’re

working out a deal with Fritz over there on the side..just takes a week to work out a

sort of timing on the firing so the alleymans know and we know when theres gonna

be some shooting or shelling so we all know when to duck..

Looks at watch

Oops eight o’clock

Ducks

Schwanng-wang-wannggg

Sticks his head back up and yells

Good night Fritz

Fritz Yells

Guden nacht Rosie..kiss-kiss-kiss..

And pretty soon the officers,they’re beginning to notice all this cause nobody’s

doing their job..nobodys getting killed..whats going on?..and hmmm?..they can

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smell it..hmmm?...they can taste it..Especially that Captain Talbot Rutherford-still

remember his full name, for Christ’s sake-Talbot Leighton Arnold Rutherford-with

that snooty nose,like that Pierre Elliott Trudeau ... hmmm..’better watch out for him

Rummie-he’s got his eye on you’.. Points..‘You-You-You-and You’.. he says...’I'm

volunteering you to go out on patrol in No-Man's-Land.’..

Volunteering us almost every night over the bags cause he wants to go back to

Westmount with the DSO on his chest ..and every time somebody’s getting

killed..lot of guys getting killed and nobody’s too happy about it..all that work we

put into setting up a ceasefire with the Alleymans he’s fucking it up with these

raids..boom boom boom every night with the Very Lights-wiiissshhhhh-and then

the tacka tacka tac and then-we knew it was coming-sshwang-shwang-sh-wang-

sh-fucking wang-SCHWANG-SCHWANG...le diable est aux vaches..thats what

Rummie used to say..devils with the cows..oh yah,he was there alright..dirty

protestant bastard..sww-aanngg..Then whoever was not too wounded or too dead

comes crawling back in with Rutherford-of course he always comes back..not a

chance of him getting killed not until he’s got that DSO or the MC or the MCB or the

YMCA with Triangles-just give him a fucking medal will ya? ..

And then one night Rummie,he don't come back..

What happen,I said to one of the guys.. where's Rummie? ..

’Dunno’..Is he dead?..’Dunno..dunno’.

’What the fuck do you mean you don't know!..

’Dunno Rosie, dunno,ask the Captain’..

And he's over there in front of the officer's dugout getting his tailormade uniform

brushed off -never know when the cameras might show up-getting brushed off by

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Denny Rivers that suckhole corporal..knowing we're watching him,watching him tick

off things on his report..(tick)..’Corporal Bates?’..anyone seen corporal

Bates?(tick)..’Private Ellison?’..(tick)..’Private Robidou?..did anyone see exactly

what happened to Private Robidou?’..He loved that fucking word,‘exactly’..‘No-one

knows what happened to Private Robidou?’..(tick)

Rosie takes a breath

And I'm thinking,well he got Rummie but he ain't gonna get me dead with my name

on some fucking plaque somewhere ‘For God King and Country’...fuck you..that's

one of those dreams I have,that I'm in this park,at the Cenotaph,and someone's

got me by the arm and they want me to read what's written on this long,long list of

dead names,dead in the war..and no,I don't want to read it .. no-no-No..

Rosie takes a breath.

and I wake up there in the trench,in that blue kind of light and someone's..shaking

me..’Rosie.. Rosie’..what?..and it's.. Rummie?.. Rummie..’It's you,you're all

here’..and hey,it's Rummie,he's back,Rummie,hey Rummie,ya made it back and

now he’s here..

and I tells Rummie,..’Look,’I says,’next time you’re out there,just take your 303

and shoot the fucker.. Make sense to me..just shoot the fucker and he’s just

dead,that’s all..and he says maybe I’ll do that but then they just get some other

guy to do what Rutherford is doing..non.. me I think what we got to do is get so

many guys together all of us ready to what we got to do together toute la gang so

when they tell us you go over the bags we tell them tu est foule twee?..fuck you we

don’t do that-you want to go,you go first..Raises his fist..Strike..en greve ... tu

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comprends Rosie?’..Yah but Rummie here when you get fired..Points finger like a

pistol..You really get fired..ben well,he says,they can’t shoot us all

Ok..if you say so..and some of the guys are hot for it but some well you know those

big fucking Webleys the officers got but they’re listening..can’t shoot us

all..hmm.mm.. and then one rainy morning and theres Rutherford with his

suckhole corporal Denny Rivers-he looked scared especially I smiled just in time for

a dawn patrol..Points..You you you and you..Private Robidou take the lead..And this

time,for the first time,the squad is pulling like this-towards Rummie and

Rutherford-Rutherford and Rummie and Rutherford he pulls out that big .455

caliber Webley that can’t hit anything more than ten feet away but,that’s ok cause

its meant to be used on us

[Points like a pistol]

And he says..’Private Robidou,take the lead’.’..Hello?.. Speak English don't you?’...I

said,take the lead..’..and I got my 303 right there..and I coulda done it,shoulda

done it..but..Rummie says..’’Mange la marde-tu parles francais,twee?..and then

just walks away..don't run,just walks away..

And Rutherford says ‘Corporal Rivers,tell the MPs we have an incident to

report’..That’s what he said..‘An incident to report’..cause that’s the way you talk if

ya wanna have a fucking.. building named after ya like Rutherford..well fuck him

and fuck you and fuck the whole fucking lot of ya..put that in your history books..

[Takes a drink]

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Mumbles..Dirty protestant bastards.. Corporal Rivers?..mailed his teeth back to his

fam-mily..lest we could do..“Lest We Forget”..Looks at audience..Sure ya don’t

wanna try it with the cream soda?..

Anyhow.. Rummie had a sister..Marie-des-neiges..Marie-des-neiges.,.they gave ‘em

names like that out in the bush…wrote to Rummie regular so I got a message out

to her and she writes back telling me to tell Rummie she’s gonna talk to somebody

who can maybe talk to someone..and I think there was something in the paper le

Devoir or one of those French papers some guy name so and sso of the Labor

Council.. speaking out against the war..but..they shot him,they shot Rummie for

‘cowardice in the face of the enemy’ ..and they said they had to drag him out to

shoot him..That he was scared..But I think Rummie just said..’Fuck this shit.Mange

la marde…if you want to shoot me ,twee, je vais tu faire me tuer..I’m going to

make you shoot me..

Why should he make it easy for them, heh..

Said that right in front of Captain Rutherford so I’m not surprised when they call me

in for questioning..Oh yah questioning me there in the officer’s dug out, wanting to

know if I know anything about what they think I know about going on strike but

how can I know what they think I know when you never tell me what I’m suppose

to know..sir.. and even if I did know what I’m suppose to know,do you think I’d

know what to say?.. .sir?..go-gogo they said and then just to let them know there’s

no hard feelings I gives them I gives them the Chaplin salute..

Does the poke-in-the-eye salute and the Chaplin turn and tip of the hat

And looking right at Rutherford I walks away doing..Swings his ass and singing

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[ Does the Chaplin walk and singing..]

“Oh the moon shines down

on Charlie Chaplin

he’ll got a blastin’

the shells are crashing

I’ll fly right to the moon

I’ll take my own balloon

Hey serg-eant,gim-me a pass

Don’t want no bayonet up my ass”]

and ..hmm..now that Captain Talbot Leighton Arnold Rutherford with that snooty

nose just like Pierre Eliot Trudeau?..hmmm?...now he’s got his eye on me..

Does the frowning sideglance and points..

‘You-You-You-and You’..

taking me out on patrol into no-man’s-land night after night..pssttt-boom..psstt-

boom.. and I'm thinking..do I do it with the 303?..No..I don't do it with a rifle..a

grenade?..a grenade,yah.. cause then,hey,so quick and easy,just..

Makes like he's priming a grenade and tossing it.

Clickk-tick-t..

Does silent mimic of the explosion and then salutes..

Private Rosie Rollins reporting back,sir sir sir? That Captain Talbot Arnold Leighton

Loughton Rutherford Butterford Motherford,sir,is missing..his snooty nose,sir..

Holds up a nose

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..and wants it connected back to his face,sir,so he'll be able to smell the roses and

sing us his favourite song ...

“Roses are shining in Picardy

In the hush of the silver dew

Roses are flowering in Picardy

But there's never a rose like you’

[Rosie sits back down]

..And it’s a strange thing because sometimes I think I did kill Rutherford..cause

when you get older sometimes what you remember as true is really just something

you wanted to happen..But the Alleymans got him first..

yah..got him on a day when he was really feeling good back of the Front Line doing

that Roses in Picardy song and, the truth was he could sing and he knew it and he

was good looking and he knew it-I mean really good looking so you couldn’t help

but look at him sometimes looking like he did that day waiting for the photographer

to show up to take a picture of him getting the DSO and smiling,just like a hero in a

magazine he was standing there when we get hit by a five point niner..

and (cough) dust and (cough) smoke and Rutherford's standing there trying to

brush the dirt off his uniform but..

[Holds up right arm]

..His right arm ain't there..it's hanging backwards off his shoulder..

[Does the hanging right arm ]

..and he's looking at it, looking at it..

[Mimics look of disbelief ]

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And..looking around..trying to talk..beebadabeebada?..

[Lowers his arm]

..and then falls over..lips still moving..beebadee be beb eee eee ee..e.....e..e.......

“And the roses will die with the summer time

And our roads may be far apart

But there's one rose that dies not in Picardy

'Tis the rose that I keep in my heart.’

[Takes a drink]

And me I guess I went unconscious cause next thing I know I’m waking up in the

base hospital with little pieces of schrapnel sticking out all over me and a goddamn

ling-ling-linging in my head that suddenly stops about ten years later just when I’m

getting used to it-ling-ling-ling

and this..Tremble.. in my hands that’s got me worried cause it’s getting worse and

heading up my arms.. and ok Rosie, I tell meself, ok, you don’t want to lose

it..don’t want to end up in the Bug Ward where they’re really gonna tell me what to

do and when to do it and how to do it..

And..I did lose it as far as my wife is concerned..

she’s the one who finally straightened me out..smashed my face into a mirror and

said..’Take a good look’..

That was 30 years ago..

But right now I’m sitting up on the edge of the bed looking down this long long

corridor with everybody just lying there ..when..some kind of commotion

happening?..with Bed 1 he’s saying something to the guy in Bed 2 and he’s turning

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to Bed 3 and Bed 4 tells 5 and 6 and 7 and 8,and 9 and 10 tells me theres some

kind of riots in Quebec he says..Anti-Conscription Riots they called them, because

the peasoups don’t want to go to war.. those goddamn peasoups.. Don’t want to go

to war!..I mean who do they think they are doing something like that..don’t want to

go to war..just don’t to fight that’s all.. goddamn peasoups..

..don’t want to go to war-don’t want to go to war?..hey?..its not such a bad idea?..

don’t want to go to war-we don’t want to go to war..Chanting..don’t wanna go to

war and-’What’s going on here?’..the doctor says..Doctor Breath Deeply we called

him..

‘Get back in your beds...Get back in your beds.’..

..And a push and a shove, and shove and a push, and boom-and a bunch of guys

missing arms legs eyes and ears leg-smashing everything up to shit..throwing

everything around and..and then grabbing hold of Doctor Breath Deeply and

Mimics Doctor getting tossed

One..and two..and three....out the third story window ..Sss-pprrr-oonnnn-nng!!..

and he stands up and says…Aaahh..Breath Deeply

Rose sits down

..Well, yah we had fun with that, the first of the ‘Wanna Go Home Riots’ they called

them..did that get in the history books?..’ Wanna Go Home’ riots?..cause we were

always singing that ‘I wanna go home’ song..

Recites the song

I don’t wanna be in the trenches no more

where the bullets and shells

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they whistle and roar

oh my I don’t wanna die..

I just wanna go home

..there at the Kimmel Park camp there near Liverpool when they turned a machine

gun on us killing five or six of us before they decided they better let us go home

before we really did turn into Bolsheviki’s.. (The war didn’t end because we won, no

the war ended because everybody knew that if it kept on going, there’d be

revolutions all across Europe.) No one there to greet me when I did get back to

Moe-ree-al-Montreal so I looks up Rummie's sister, since Rummie was the only one

that feels like family to me-or whatever family's supposed to feel like..Marie-des-

neiges..well I thought she was pretty but she had this(cough) cough, from working

in the munitions plant(cough) from the chemicals..(cough)making the shells that

cost five hundred each..didn’t even cry when I told her Rummie got the firing

squad..too late for that..and(cough)and I kinda liked her and think she liked me

but(cough)I gotta go(Cough) I gotta go

Heard she died..Marie des neiges..and Rummie..well..every year I come back here

to Mother Martin’s because I told Rummie I was going to bring him here. I told him,

you know Rummie, you know the first thing I’m going to do?..Tu sais que nous

allons faire a Montreal?..Nous allons aller a la Mother Martin’s et commander de

roast beef -used to do a good one here-roti de roast de beef de boeuf de peas, des

pois, avec un la Yorkshire pudding-had to explain to Rummie what that was-and

mash-he wanted mash avec beaucoup de suisse de sauce champignons-mmmm-

and uh carrots crème-mmmm-and then ahhhh..we’ll sit back and drink and drink

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and drink and drink..aahhh.. and then encore for supper, encore roti de roast de

boeuf de beef,de peas,des pois ‘ostie again and then drink and drink and drink and

drink and then-and this always made Rummie laugh-and then-‘away,away, dites

encore Rosie’-and then the next morning for breakfast we have..?

[Sticks up arm]

..’Hey Doctor, Docteur! Rotie de roast de beef de boeuf de pois de pea pour moi et

ma chum icette..Jerry Nines..Lowers arm..And I says…What?..what are ya

doing?..hey Rosie what are ya doing?..

hey But Rosie keeps ordering extra everything over to the table-extra mash, extra

peas, extra gravy-extra mushrooms-horseradish extra, extra fucking everything

with a drink and then another drink and another drink..and then a round of drinks

for the Black Watch coming in after the Remembrance Day parade..

And then the drinking and singing and laughing and sorta remembering Rosie trying

to get up on a table and..

Starts getting up..now I’m getting up on the table..never mind Claude I’ll pay for

everything I break.. been tipping him since ten o’clock this morning..I’’m getting

uup on the fucking table..make sure I don’t knock over the cream soda..

Gets up on table..

Comrades and friends..Jay-sus been awhile since I done this..comrades and

friends..havn’t done this since that big fucking strike in Winnipeg taking over the

whole city 1919 declaring ourselves a Soviet or something like that..hammer and

sickle oh yah the real Bolsheviki stuff there with the Communist salute..was it the

left hand or right hand?..can’t remember.?.course you wouldn’t know..don’t even

know who Little Beaver is let alone Vadimer Lenin..Puts hands on lapel and says in

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a Slavic accent..comrades and friends take my advice pull down your pants and

slide..slides..slide..slides..slide on the ice..pretends to really slip..Woo-oo!...fooled

ya eh?..wanna see me do a kip-up?..hundred dollars I do a kip-up..hundred dollars

cent piastres donated to the Echec a la Guerre.. oooo-kkkk-kay..ready?

Lays down on table. Pretends to do a kip-up..

Hup..hup!..Hup!!.. Don’t worry Claude if I break anything I pay for

it,ok?.hup..Hup!..Hup!!..well I’m getting a hard-on but I guess that don’t count,

right?..hup..Hup! HUP!!!..Hundred dollars to see the hard-on..fifity..twenty

five..Sings

‘Oh Mabel

Get off the table

The ten bucks is for the beer’

Leans over and sits up with a beer bottle

Anyhow you make a big deal out that Vimy fucking Ridge but Winnipeg..we did

that right..oughta have a big monumental to that one.. cause that was the only

time we ever got together like Rummie told us to..’so that the boss, meme que le

boss il comprends that he can’t make us do what we don’t want to do..

Even though they busted us up..Thats the truth..busted us up real good there in

Winnipeg with me and bunch of other guys doing time in Stoney Mountain while

you guys are out here wacking off..still wacking off..

Ah,come on Rosie..

Yah?..all those promises they made us..the guy on the hundred dollar bill..Premiier

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Robert Borden he promised us wen we were overseas..the government promised

you the moon and what did we get?..the boys that fought at Festubert, Regina

Trench, the Somme,Santuary Woods, Hill 70,Vimy,Passchendaele?..mr.face on the

hundred dollar bill?..two fucking minutes of silence a year ..EH?..you gonna take

that?..ya gonna live with your head up your asshole all your life?.two minutes of

fucking silence a year

’Ah-h.. come on Rosie do a song’..

’Ah,fuck you’..’do a song’..and they start throwing change..come on Rosie..winging

quarters at him and he says..’ Tu veux un chanson? ok, je vais te donner un

chanson’..Rosie stands up and makes a communist salute..’Debout les damnes de

la terre’..starts singing the Internationale in French..’debout les forcats de la

faim’..and he gets as far as..’C’est la lutte finale..and-boom- falls over sideways

down there on the floor..and everybodys pissing themselves laughing and throwing

change at him.. and ’Tu parle francais,twee?..and-baff-hits the Branch President of

the Point Legion right in the chops ..’Thats for the sucker punch ya gave me last

year’..and biff and baff and bang and bing and boom-all these old farts start

wacking away at each other in between having cardiac spasms.. and Christ it was

funny to watch them..even Claude the waiter was laughing.. til they knock that big

jar of pickled petrified eggs on the floor and ..Hey-Calice-Tabranac!..

And then I musta passed out cause the next thing I know I’m out on the sidewalk

with Rosie-fat lip and a black eye and pocket full of change- helping me into a cab

and he says..’You gonna remember what I said?’..

Yeah yeah, got it on tape..

‘Never mind the fucking tape, are you gonna remember what I fucking said?’..

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’Yah yah’.

‘Cause theres gonna be another war’

‘Yah yah

‘Ah,fuck you,too’..he says and..Slams the door..slams the cab door and..hunchs his

his shoulders.. hunches his shoulders..swings his ass..swings..does the Snoozer

with the Feet..waddles..and the corner turn.. does the Chaplin corner one leg in the

air turn and sings

Oh the captain of the Guards

he ‘ad ten thousand men

he marched them up to the top of the hill

and he marched them down again

and when they were h’up they were h’up

and when they were down they were down

and when they were only half-way h’up

they were neither up or down

..See ya when I see ya..

And the next day I wake up with a cream soda and Bushmell’s hangover-my first

and last-don’t recommend it..and.. managed to-tu-tu-tu-type out thousand two

hundred word article and get it over to my copy editor-decent guy trying to school

me-and.. look kid he says-Player’s Plain always stuck in his mouth-‘The Gazette is

not the kind of paper that wants to know nothing from nothing about somebody

who thinks peacekeeping means shooting your own officers???.. told ya to get some

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old fart with lots of medals and tears trickling down his cheek...got it kid?’..

Tear .. cheek..Got it..

So-twenty three year old skinny ass ace reporter soon to be international media

star me- just filed the tape and article on a shelf somewhere and moved onto other

things..But every once in awhile I do drop by Mother Martin’s and raise a glass to

Rummie Robidou and Rosie Rollins and Marie des neiges and all those other

Bolshevikis including the twenty four Canadian soldiers that were executed by firing

squad during World War One..you might have caught that the Canadian

government finally issued a statement of regret to Rummie and the others, 2001,

after what?... eighty years?-don’t want to rush these things-we gotta raise the

salaries for MPs-cuts in Healthcare and Education—zip zip zip but eighty years to

decide whether to pardon these guys because..I’m quoting from the Globe and Mail,

our ‘national newspaper’, they went glossy last month, so it looks like a Walmart’s

insert, December 2001…

“Those petitioning for pardons have argued that WWI soldiers condemned for

desertion or cowardice were typically suffering from what today is recognized as

post-traumatic stress and deserved medical help.

However McGill University professor Desmond Morton, one of Canada’s foremost

military historians, said the official statement of regret would shift the blame for the

wartime deaths from men found guilty of desertion or cowardice to the officers who

commanded their firing squads. If everybody who decided to run did run away,

then where would the army be? ...’”

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..Gee I don’t know Desmond, that’s a tough one..where would the army be?..back

home having a beer watching the hockey game instead of getting their ass shot off

in Afghanistan?.. do you remember when we boycotted the Moscow Olympics?

Summer 1980? Can you remember why we did it? ‘Cause the Russians had invaded

Afghanistan! and who were we backing, who were we arming to fight the

Russians?..come on guess..the Taliban.... yes we put the Taliban in power-and

somebody made a shitload of profits doing it -and who are we backing now?..same

war lords and corrupt politicians that the Russians tried to put in power thirty years

ago..but we don’t find this confusing because of course like Rosie said we don’t

remember.. cause we only remember what we’re suppose to remember and lots of

educated people in suits and ties get paid very well to make sure we don’t

remember.. on this Remembrance Day

[Lifts his glass to the audience]

[ does the following rhyme in quick time]

‘Enny meany Micky Maguire

He got sent to Kandahar

Quick quick get a gun

There goes Micky on the run

Enny- meany –miney- moe

He-came-back-Without-His-TOES !! ‘

So here’s to all those Bosh-a-viki that never made it into the history books and all

our soldiers that were killed in Afghanistan for why?

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[Take a drink]

..Ya know,I think I’m getting used to the cream soda.  

  36