Constellations

A play in one act

AT RISE: Mavis is sprawled on a blanket reading a book. Other books surround her and there
is a picnic basket close by. She reads and twirls a strand of her hair while she does. You can tell
you loves being here and reading. She glances at her watch, frowns, but quickly smiles and
begins reading again. Archie enters from the rear, his arms loaded with charts, navigation
instruments, including a sextant. He looks frazzled and at his wits end. He looks one way, then
the other towards offstage. He rushes to the opposite side of the stage an drops some of his
clutter. He kneels down, frustrated and at a loss. As he starts to collect his materials and
equipment, he notices Mavis. He cocks his head to one side, the shuffles through his notes
frantically until at last.

Archie
Ah-ha!
(He pores over the papers tossing aside the ones that don’t seem to meet his criteria, more and
more frenzied until at last—he stops and his eyes light up)

Archie
Yes… yes, of course. (Peers at the papers, turns them around and drops more things as he does.)
Right over… here. (holds up the paper to the light for a better look.) X equals, no, no it’s
Yesssss… right there. (Pokes the paper. Stands up and peers around.) Yes… (points to a tree
offstage) Right latitude and longitude there. And let’s see about—yes that should be over to the
right here…(Wheels to the right) Over there… Yes! (Puts the papers down and starts calculating
fast and furious, writing on his papers).Oh, please, please… let me be in time. (Glances at his
watch) A little after one… That means I should have…(figures some more) about—oh my God!
Ten to fifteen minutes. That’s all. Damn!

(Mavis notices, shoots him an angry glance.)

Mavis
Do you mind? I’m trying to study here. And enjoy the day.

(Archie looks at her, at first confused, then he rushes over and she recoils, a bit frightened)

MAVIS
Get away from me! What are you thinking?

(Archie grabs both her arms and stares directly into her eyes, intense, almost mad)

ARCHIE
When were you born?

MAVIS
That's none of your business.

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 ARCHIE
You don’t understand. The importance that is. Of all this… (Tries to gesture with his stuff and
it tumbles to the ground so he has to kneel and collect it) Sorry… oh, so sorry. You see, well,
this is something new for me.

Mavis
Me too. (Beat) and I’m not sure I like it.

ARCHIE
I need to know. I need to know when your birthday is.

MAVIS
Look…

ARCHIE
Please..! It's a matter of life and death!

MAVIS
This is getting creepy now.

(ARCHIE reaches for her arms again and she wheels away, clutching at her stuff.)

MAVIS
Get away from me freakazoid!

ARCHIE
You don't understand.

MAVIS
I do understand. This is a public park and they have to let all the nutcases like you in. Sorry,
that was politically incorrect of me--screwballs!

ARCHIE
You are in danger.

MAVIS
Yeah, of you driving me nuts. Can you understand that? Can you? Somewhere deep inside
your cluttered little head?

ARCHIE
(Desperate plea)
No-o!

MAVIS
The only danger here is you. Can you understand that?

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 ARCHIE
No, NO… it's you that doesn't understand. You don't see it the way I do.

MAVIS
Thank God for little miracles!

(ARCHIE spreads his documents etc. in from of her. He points hard with his finger at a place in
the middle of some papers.)

ARCHIE
Right here! (Points vigorously again and again) It's all so clear. Can't you see it? It's as plain as
the nose on your face.

MAVIS
What about the nose on my face? Who told you I had a nose job!? I'll bet it was that creep
Harrington. Well, actually, Harrington Willard Jennings-Smith the third. Turd was more like it.
(Suddenly enraged, she turns on ARCHIE) Did he send you here? Did he? If he did-- he's got a
restraining order on his sleazy little bod, you know. Comes within 50 miles-- or was that yards?
Feet? I forget-- but anywhere near me and that's it, hasta lavista baby, you will not be back.
Him and cellmate Bubba'll have a real good time, if you know what I mean.

ARCHIE
I don't know any Harvey--

MAVIS
Harrington…

ARCHIE
Harry, Harvey, Harrington, what the hell's the difference?!

MAVIS
Who are they? I don't know them Do I have a restraining order against them too. Oh, I have so
many… (Looks at ARCHIE) Why would anyone want to hurt me? Just plain ole me.

ARCHIE
That's what I'm trying to tell you.

MAVIS
That I'm a nice person? Oh, you're so sweet…

ARCHIE
No… someone is going to try and kill you.

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 MAVIS
Kill me?! (She scrambles away form ARCHIE and he scuttles like a crab after her, dragging his
papers and stuff.)

ARCHIE
Yes, to try and kill you! Don't you see? It's right here. In the stars.

MAVIS
Star-- the magazine? It-- I'm in Star Magazine! Wow!

ARCHIE
No, no, not in the magazine. In the constellations.

MAVIS
Constella-- hey, are you one of those astronomers? You know. Those guys who stare at the stars
all the time. Or is that paparazzi? I forget sometimes. Is that, tell me now, is that who you are?
(Getting cozier with him.) O-o-o-o-o-o, tell me about it. What do you see?

(ARCHIE spread his stuff out in front of her. He stretches way across so that he's almost got her
in his armpit)

MAVIS
Hey, hey, you wanna watch that stuff? You're kinda ripe, if you know what I mean.

(ARCHIE sits back on his haunches proudly as he stares at the stuff in front of MAVIS.)

ARCHIE
Impressive, isn't it?

MAVIS
What exactly?

ARCHIE
This… (Gestures towards all the paperwork before them) All of this… At last, at long last, I
have it figured out. It took me so many years. So many damned years. Then it was right in
front of me. Right in my face. If you know what I mean?

MAVIS
No, I don't why don't you tell me how you found out I was going to be in Star Magazine because
of that twerp Harrington.

ARCHIE
No, no… not the magazine.. Danger.

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 MAVIS
Danger? That must be a new one. I never head of that magazine. Is that like survivor on TV?
You know all these people together in some far out place and-- Is there money involved in this?
Am I gonna be rich?

ARCHIE
NO! This is not about magazines and money. This is about something far more important than
some stupid magazine. Or TV show, or whatever the hell it was.

(While MAVIS talks, ARCHIE is frantically going through the stuff in front of them looking for
something, getting more harried and frantic with each second.

MAVIS
It is not a stupid magazine. A lot of very famous people read it to find out what they've been
doing. I know that for a fact. In fact I read it myself, religiously. Well, not religious like in
being Catholic or Jewish, but I'm not either one of those. I think I was a Baptist. Actually, my
parents never really took me to church, so I don't know what I'm missing. (Beat) And I'm glad of
it. The things I've heard.. Shameful.

(ARCHIE slumps back onto his knees, with the pain of pure agony.)

ARCHIE
No-o-o-o-o-o-o…

MAVIS
What's wrong?

ARCHIE
This is terrible. Terrible. Oh, no. say it isn't so.

MAVIS
It isn't so.

ARCHIE
No? You've seen it?

MAVIS
Seen what?

ARCHIE
The calculations.

MAVIS
What calculations?

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 ARCHIE
The ones I made about the event.

MAVIS
Whoa, whoa there… what event? You never told me anything about an event. Is it formal? Do
we get limo service? Tell me, tell me.

ARCHIE
It's not that kind of event.

MAVIS
It's not?

ARCHIE
No. You may have guessed what I am.

MAVIS
Well, I thought I had a pretty good idea, but now, I thinking you're some kind of accountant.
Bookkeeper? Something like that-- Oh, god, you're not from the IRS, are you? Oh, you are, you
are… it's all Harrington's fault. He told me it wouldn't matter. No, it wouldn't matter for a sleaze
like him, but me.. Me? Honest as the day is long. Well, it is summer, right, so that means I must
be pretty honest-- right?

(ARCHIE shakes her by the shoulders until is looks as if her head will bob off.)

ARCHIE
(Enunciates very carefully.)
Lis-ten to me now. (Stops shaking her) Thank you.

MAVIS
What a rush...!

ARCHIE
Are you ready to listen now?

MAVIS
Are you ready to stop shaking me?

ARCHIE
Yes.
MAVIS
Then I'm ready to listen.

ARCHIE
Play close attention.

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 MAVIS
Is this going to be a long story? You know I really hate long stories, or long movies, but I like
long--

ARCHIE
SHUT UP!

(MAVIS gestures ok to him, gestures calm down.)

ARCHIE
Good. Now… (Points to the sky map as he squirms and wriggles about to get the right view.)
Right… there. Can you see that?

MAVIS
That little spot-- is that an ant?

ARCHIE
No, no please… just listen.

MAVIS
Okay. Sorry, No need to be rude, you know.

ARCHIE
Sorry… but I'm in kind of a hurry. I'm trying to prevent a tragedy here. Something
overwhelming and earth shattering.

MAVIS
Are you some kind of superhero? Is that who you are? You need a better costume if you are, that
raggedy stuff just doesn't cut it. You need something form-fitting. Lycra.

ARCHIE
No. No, I am not a superhero. Just a man. A scientist. Well sort of scientist. I used to be a
scientist. Now, I'm more of a… predictor.

MAVIS
Excuse me?

ARCHIE
A predictor. Of the future.

MAVIS
Uh-huh. (Beat) And you get paid for this? I mean, it's a living? You write for newspapers or
something? Oh, I love Linda Goodman's Sun Signs. Don't you?

ARCHIE
NO! No… sorry I yelled. But you've got it all wrong. Totally wrong. I am not an astrologer.

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 MAVIS
Do you talk to the dead? I heard there are people who can talk to the dead. I always wondered
what a conversation with a dead person would be like. Did you?

ARCHIE
No. I do not talk to the dead. I am a statistician.

MAVIS
( A beat.)
Uh-huh. Which means in English…?

ARCHIE
Numbers. Statistical probabilities.

MAVIS
You're one of those lottery number gurus!

ARCHIE
No. No, I don't do that. I suppose I could, but I don't.

MAVIS
Why, wouldn't you like to be rich? I'd like to be rich. Even though there's a whole bunch of
headaches that comes with that. I've watched lives of the rich and famous. I know it's not all
spas and mansions.

ARCHIE
I know, I know, but I 'm here to save your life.

MAVIS
What? Save my life? I'm perfectly safe here. My boyfriend is meeting me here shortly. We'll
have a romantic picnic, something cozy. (Whispers) With some wine. I know you're not
supposed to have it in the park, but it seems so… daring and … romantic.

ARCHIE
You have to leave. He might be the one.

MAVIS
I'm hoping he might be the one. He's got a good job and all. Of course if he were only a good
lay, I could live with that too.

ARCHIE
He could be the one who's going to kill you.

(Long pause. MAVIS looks frozen in time and ARCHIE leans over for a closer look. At last she
breaks the freeze.)

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 MAVIS
Are you serious?

ARCHIE
Very. Numbers don't lie.

MAVIS
You haven't met my tax guy.

ARCHIE
(Shuffling papers to show her.)
It's all right here in front of you. You can check the alignment yourself if you'd like. Now this
whole thing is the result of an accidental discovery I made of the correlation between Einstein's
theory of relativity and my own theoretical explorations of the physical laws of probability.

MAVIS
Huh?

ARCHIE
I can predict the future-- sort of.

MAVIS
I still don't understand what I—

ARCHIE
I came across some figures the showed that you would be killed in the park today. Right here.
On this spot. But… (Slumps back on his legs) I can't get the last calculations. I mean I worked
out all these intricate equations, taking into account all the pertinent data and…

MAVIS
And..?

ARCHIE
For some reason I can't finish it. It doesn't add up right.

MAVIS
(Takes the paper from him)
Let me see… I was really good in math in Mrs. Winter's class. Best one actually. Well… I
could add anyway. That division stuff, long division anyway, it just— (She looks up and smiles
and sees TED at the far end of the stage.) There's my boyfriend now… (Rises) Ted! Ted,
darling…

(She starts towards TED, but ARCHIE grabs hold of her leg and won't let go. She tries to drag
him, but he's too strong.)

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 MAVIS
What are you doing? Will you please let go of my leg…

(ARCHIE holds on tight as she drags him and he keeps yelping. No.)

TED
Hey, hey let go of my girlfriend! You creep!

(TED rushes towards them. ARCHIE flings MAVIS aside and lunges at TED and grabs him by
the throat.)

MAVIS
Hey! No! Let go of him! (Scrambles to her feet. Lunges at ARCHIE.) Let go of him!

ARCHIE
(To MAVIS) I'm trying to save you!

MAVIS
I'm fine without you– let go of him!

ARCHIE
I will not let this happen.

(ARCHIE swings at TED, but misses. MAVIS grabs his arm. ARCHIE kicks TED in the balls
and wheels about furiously on MAVIS. ARCHIE grabs her around the throat.)

ARCHIE
Listen to me! Listen to me… I am trying to save you. If you let me. I cannot let him kill you.
Cannot.

MAVIS
(Gagging)
Let me go…

ARCHIE
I will save you in spite of yourself. (Squeezes harder.)

(TED staggers to his feet and tries to grab ARCHIE. ARCHIE shoves him back to the ground
and continues to strangle MAVIS. She collapses in his arms limply. ARCHIE suddenly realizes
what he is doing and stops, horrified.)
ARCHIE
(Hoarsely) No… No… (He strokes her hair as TED crawls over to him.)

TED
Ma-vis…

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 ARCHIE
This isn't right. This isn't what's supposed to happen. This is…wrong!

TED
You killed her. (Pleading) Why? Why?

ARCHIE
No, no you don't understand. You're supposed to kill her. I'm here to stop it. It just can't be.
The figures don't lie. They just don't lie. I have it all right here… (Clutches at the papers and
shuffles through them frantically.) It's so clear… Crystal clear…. Oh, God… no-o-o-o-o…

(TED goes to grab ARCHIE from behind and peers over his shoulder. Stops.)

TED
That should be 61, not 62.

ARCHIE
What? Where?

TED
(Points)
Right there…

ARCHIE
Who the hell did I–

TED
It's a common problem. My students do the same thing all the time. I teach math. A simple
mistake with tragic consequences to their grades. (Rises, rushes offstage) Police! Help! Police!
There's been a murder! 911!

ARCHIE
Wait a minute, now, then that means… (Scribbles some number furiously) Of course… It's so
simple! So that means… yes… from the latitude and longitude that– (Slumps back on his
knees.) Sweet mother of God what have I done? All along it was me. Me. In my vanity. My
self assurance, my…(almost a moan) P-r-i-d-e… (Cradles MAVIS in his lap) Oh, I am so sorry.

(MAVIS opens her eyes and looks at ARCHIE)

MAVIS
That was really sloppy work on your part. I mean a simple error like that? My kids would have
never made that mistake.

ARCHIE
LIAR!! (Starts to strangle her again) Anyone could make that mistake, anyone!

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 MAVIS
Not if they knew what they were doing.

ARCHIE
Liar! (Strangles harder but she still manages to talk)

MAVIS
Idiot!

ARCHIE
Liar!

(Lights fading to black)

MAVIS
Idiot!

ARCHIE
Liar!

CURTAIN

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