THIS IS NOT THE NEWS
The premiere, unsanctioned, neo-alternative, unofficial, non-newspaper for the Clark
community, which is in no way affiliated with Clark University.
Volume 1, Issue 5
I s r a e l i S o l d i e r s B u l l d o ze D a n a H a l l
Dozens Killed, Scores Injured
Jake Hess — A squadron of
Israeli soldiers, with the help of
Caterpillar D-9 armored bulldoz-
ers, demolished Dana Hall early
yesterday morning. Paramedics
from a nearby hospital, who were
fired upon by the IDF troops
while attempting to evacuate in-
jured people, fear that dozens of
students were fatally crushed by
the rubble.
The move was carried out at
the behest of Clark Students for
Israel, who said the dormitory
was in the way of a Jewish-only
walking path currently under con-
struction. "Now that this evil
menace has been vanquished, the
onward march of apartheid can
resume,” the organization said in
a press release.
Alasdair Buck, the group's
undersecretary of ethnic clean-
sing, told TINTN he fully antici-
pated the civilian deaths. "We're
Z aw a h i r i L e t t e r C o n s i d e r e d ‘ S u s p i c i o u s ’ by ‘ E x p e r t ’
Troy Hill — A letter allegedly
written by Ayman al-Zawahiri, a
senior member of Al Qaeda,
recently surfaced in Iraq. The
letter, which is available from
the Director of National Intelli-
gence’s website, has raised sus-
picion among groups and indi-
viduals who are experts on Al
Qaeda.
The controversy surround-
ing the letter has led to a possi-
ble legal battle, and further
chilled the rather icy relations
between U.S. President George
T h e S t a tu s Q u o J u st G ot a L it t l e S t a t u s e r November 3, 2005
just following standard Israeli
protocol - you didn't expect us to
provide advance warning of the
demolition, did you?" he asked,
calling such an idea "a throwback
to Nazism, clearly anti-Semitic.”
"Once again, Students for Is-
rael is replicating the brave work
of the Israeli army,” Samia Jou-
bleh, the organization's minister
for the advancement of torture,
added. She specifically mentioned
an April 2002 incident in Nablus,
a major Palestinian city in the
West Bank.
"Allow me to quote from Am-
nesty International: 'three chil-
dren, aged four, seven, and nine
years; their pregnant mother; and
Gina Marcos, ‘08, attempts to prevent a bulldozer from
four other relatives died under
demolishing Dana Hall.
the rubble of their house which
was demolished by the
IDF...during a period of strict To The Reader:
curfew. The IDF had given no Thanks for checking us out. We publish weekly. Sometimes
(Continued on Page 3) our weeks last almost a month.
W. Bush and al- tion has insisted that Zawahiri
Ayman In This Week’s
Zawahiri. penned the note, though many
Steaming Pile:
disagree, including Zawahiri
Charles Mackabe, the senior
himself, who released a state- Mike Kowalski 2
Terrorism Specialist at the Lon-
ment the day after the letter’s dissects the
don-based Global Strategies
release claiming it was a fabrica- modern lexicon
Group, began his analysis by
tion.
pointing out that “the letter is
How the pros 5
not only in English, but typed Mackabe concurs, noting the
make a Mocha,
on a bloody computer!” It is non-traditional spelling of
y’all
not clear whether Zawahiri ‘mujahedeen.’ “What especially
actually wrote the 13-page let- raises my suspicions is the lexi-
ter, supposedly intended for cographical anomalies; the au- 000100101001001 6
the head of Iraq’s Al Qaeda thor actually refers to western- 011101010010101
operations, Abu Musab al- ers as ‘un-Islamic forces.’ 010101101010101
Zarqawi. The Bush administra- (Continued on Page 5)

On Sucking
Mike Kowalski
Hello you. I have
a story.
Whilst speaking
with a flabby ac-
quaintance outside of
my apartment no
more than a fortnight ago to this day, I
experienced a revelation which I am
driven by forces outside of myself to
share with thee. My entire selfhood has
been shaken, my identity and reality
have become broken carnival mirrors,
yet I hope that by communicating the
issue I may find solace in the warm
bosom of your dear readership.
You see, my acquaintance and I
were discussing the haps and mishaps of
our current lives, trading various anec-
dotal tales about being back at school,
when he proceeded to tell a story about
falling on his boner.
“Ooh, that sucks, dude,” I replied,
quite sympathetic to the situation; my
grandfather had recently fallen on his
boner.
“It really sucked, man. It still sucks.”
He pulled the top of his pants away
from his belly and looked down. “Ugh. It
sucks.”
As he was saying this, a car pulled
up at the stoplight on the corner behind
us. Blasting from the way-too-expensive
stereo system was the song “She Hates
Me” by Puddle of Mudd. Obviously,
we were utterly fucking disgusted.
“What the fuck? What fucking
idiot is still listening to that song? It
sucked when it first came out, and it
sucks even worse now,” my acquaint-
ance curled his lips back.
“Yeah, wow. That band sucks,” I
said.
“You’re shit right they do. They
suck long, and they suck hard. Puddle
of Mudd sucks.” My acquaintance was
now pointing a finger in my face, and
continued to debase the band for a
time. However, amid the swirling an-
ger he went on to spew, I noticed he
constantly returned to the fact that
Puddle of Mudd “sucked.” I realized,
in fact, that the entirety of our con-
versation revolved around this idea of
sucking; who sucks, what sucks, even
why things suck; the word “suck” had
been used so many times as to be
rendered completely ridiculous, like
when you’re sitting alone at the
kitchen table repeating the word
“utensil” forever, until it no longer
makes any sense at all. But this was an
abstraction of an abstraction; it wasn’t
just the word juxtaposed with the
experience it expresses that crept up
to strike me as absurd, it was the
metaphorical use of the word to rep-
resent despicable, unwanted things or
experiences.
For, truly, why do we refer to
Page 2
unpleasant situations or objects as
situations or objects that “suck”?
“This sucks” is quite possibly one of
the most overused, under-analyzed
phrases in our modern lexicon.
When applied in this metaphorical
sense, it denotes a horrible experi-
ence; one imagines it being uttered
in times of deepest depression or
woe - “This sucks,” the unwed
mother accused of witchcraft ex-
hales, as she eyes the advancing
mob. Part of the interesting and
perplexing nature of deeming some-
thing to suck is that it can indeed
span the entire range of bad situa-
tions or objects, from foreseeing
your own demise to not enjoying a
certain kind of beer (e.g. “Bud Light
suuuucks”), and yet carry the same
gravity in whatever level of horror
is experienced or described.
However, in its empirical, ex-
perienced reality, when something
or someone literally does suck, I
find it to be a pleasurable and beau-
tiful, if not at the very least toler-
able and neutral, experience. And I
don’t merely mean this in purely
sexual terms, either; there’s no
need to paint me the perv so
quickly. Think about those fish you
put in your aquarium to naturally
clean the thing, the ones that just
attach to the side and suck out all
of the waste. Those things are nice.
And, breast/bottle feeding a child;
there is no way you can argue
against, say, a koala nourishing its
young as anything but the cutest
thing ever. A child feeding from its
mother is a beautiful thing, and the
act of sucking is verily the act of
receiving life. To characterize and
distort this idea into denoting
something horrid is then quite
strange, and I believe, deserving of
attention. It’s as if Americans’ hid-
den desire to die, our often over-
looked cultural nihilism, is perfectly
displayed in this divergence of em-
pirical act and metaphorical slang.
(Continued on Page 3)

Can Someone Please Dana Hall Razing
Invite Me to a Party? Causes Uproar
Chris Caesar
Hey you guys.
Listen, I don’t
mean to be clingy
or weird, and
after I lay this on
you, we can just
drop it, okay? But
there’s something I -- well, there is
something that we need to address.
Now, I know you’ve all seen me
around campus: no doubt, I’m a pretty
fucking cool guy. I wear argyle. I get
around. People know me. But something
just isn’t right here, and I can’t seem to
shake it. It’s driving me crazy.
Ugh, I might as well just come out and
say it: Where the parties at, you guys!?
God dammit!
Sorry. That was weird. I guess it’s just
that watching Nick-at-Nite reruns in
bed and knocking back Peach Schnapps
until I lift off of this god-awful orb has
begun to run its course, you know? I
didn’t come to college to get drunk in
bed, ladies and gentlemen. I came to
college to get drunk outside, and I am as
determined as ever to do just that.
Brief party résumé: I have had a grand
total of zero party fouls, usually tell
some pretty awesome jokes when min-
gling, and am, overall, a chill, chill dude. I
can BYOB, I can dance, I can DJ, I can
keg-stand, whatever. It’s no thing, really.
Whatever your party needs demand,
Chris Caesar [me] can make it happen. I
just need to get out, that’s all. LOL.
Soooooo, should I just give you my
phone number, or what are we going to
do here? Oh. Okay. Yeah, I guess it is in
the book. All right then. High-five, catch
ya later, bro’s.
Chris Caesar is only half this awkward in
real life, and can be reached at
Ccaesar@clarku.edu
(from Page 1) warning before begin-
ning to destroy the house.' That's
good shit right there," she boasted.
Joubleh regretted to report that
two survivors were later pulled from
the wreckage of that home, six days
after the fact. "It's too bad Israel lifted
the curfew for two hours. If only they
denied medical access to injured civil-
ians a bit longer, shot up a few more
ambulances,” she said, fighting back
tears. For this reason, Students for
Israel is seeking to deny medical per-
sonnel access to Dana Hall for at least
two weeks.
The dorm was razed by Israeli
veterans of the siege of Jenin. "These
visionaries destroyed hundreds of
Palestinian homes, leaving 4,000 peo-
ple, overwhelmingly civilians, home-
less,” Students for Israel's press re-
lease explained. "Much of the destruc-
tion took place after hostilities had
ceased. It was an honor to work with
them."
Israel has destroyed roughly 4,200
Palestinian homes since September
2000, leaving tens of thousands of
innocent people homeless. The policy
is considered collective punishment by
human rights groups, a flagrant viola-
tion of international law. Yet it would
be unfair to say that Israel is unique in
this regard; one other state, Saddam
Hussein's Iraq, has used home demoli-
tions as a punitive measure.
Buck said the path should be com-
pleted by November. It will be six feet
wide and stretch 70 yards. The UN is
building a refugee camp in front of
Jonas Clark Hall to accommodate the
displaced students.
Jake Hess is TINTN”s Ramallah bureau
chief and can be reached at Jake-
Hess@hotmail.com. Note: This article
originally ran in the online youth journal,
Left Hook. www.lefthook.org
Page 3
Sucks?
(from Page 2) We have taken
the descriptive word for the ex-
perience which spurred us all to-
wards surviving, and have tainted it
so that it is something to be
scorned. Somewhere, the koalas
are crying. And probably shitting.
Sucking on a lollipop, sucking
an ice cube on a thick summer day
- both amazing. You cannot con-
test it.
And as for the sexual side,
sucking in this sense should cer-
tainly be considered just as beauti-
ful; anyone disgusted or offended
by this position is clearly coming
from the Judeo-Christian-Islamic
background, or some other prud-
ish doctrine. We should embrace
our bodies; we are our bodies.
Don’t worry; you do me, I’ll do
you girl. It’s all good.
So, to sum up, sucking is awe-
some and I grow weary of its bas-
tardization in conversational dis-
course. Indeed, religious zealots
are able to hold on to subcon-
scious sexual repression through
small, typically unnoticed ways
such as usage of language, and
more importantly, those in posi-
tions of economic power are able
to lead the population along on its
self-destructive path through the
very same subliminal means.
Reader, I ask you to reverse this
trend, and reverse your life. Truly,
I ask you to put your thing down,
flip it and then reverse it. The next
time you’re surrounded by your
closest family and friends; or the
next time you’re laying in bed with
your loved one, staring at the ceil-
ing and postulating a future; or,
even in that rapturous moment
you finally reach peace and unity in
your life, forever sealing the uni-
verse in your heart, make sure to
let everyone know, “Wow . . . this
sucks.”
Michael Kowalski loves semi-colons;
he can be reached at
mkowalski@clarku.edu

Profiteer Profiles: Bechtel
Troy Hill — The Big Dig: maybe
you’ve heard of it before. It’s reputa-
ble as the most costly civil engineering
project in U.S. history, costing Massa-
chusetts about $14.6 billion. The
construction has been riddled with
leaks, exploding costs (the project
was estimated at $2.5 billion in 1985),
and even allegations of the use of
cheap, low quality concrete. From the
poor management and routine failures
accompanying the project, it may be
surprising to hear that it is being un-
dertaken by Bechtel, the country’s
sixth largest private engineering firm.
On the company website they boast
about being ranked the number one
U.S. contractor for the past seven
years.
Several aspects of this situation
are confusing. For instance, seeing as
the project is largely based around
the use of concrete, it would appear
contradictory for them to be cutting
costs so excessively by using low-
grade concrete, while still having
costs skyrocket. It’s also strange that
in the most recent seven years of the
Big Dig’s miserable existence, Bechtel
actually gained respect in the industry,
becoming the number one U.S. con-
tractor. Bechtel’s website omits any
citation or reference to whom exactly
gave them that prestigious title, and it
is left a little vague exactly what Bech-
tel is “number one” in, leaving some
room for reconciling the superlative
with reality.
Bechtel has been involved in engi-
neering and construction projects
since 1898. That’s a long time, and
Bechtel has sure kept busy. Between
1995 and 2001, it averaged one labor
or environment-related misconduct
charge each year. The fines from
those offenses alone totaled $1.5 mil-
lion (1).
Bechtel’s endeavors have taken it
to 140 countries, engaging in some
22,000 projects. More than a few of
those have been in Iraq. In fact, Bech-
tel did invaluable work for Iraq’s
weapons systems during Hussein’s
rule. Perhaps that explains why their
weapons systems were in such de-
crepit shape when we decided to in-
vade.
At any rate, its services to Hus-
sein lost Bechtel no clout with the
Bush administration, who quickly
awarded it a contract, worth $1.03
billion, to rebuild Iraq. The year of
the Iraq invasion coincidentally saw a
three-year decline in Bechtel’s reve-
nue suddenly reverse. Their new
work booked jumped 165% in 2003,
to just under $21 billion, nearly set-
ting a record (2).
One would like to think that
Bechtel’s sterling record was the de-
ciding factor in being given contracts
in Iraq. One might prefer to think
that the warm relationship between
the company’s Chairman and CEO,
Riley Bechtel, and President Bush had
no bearing on the award. One would
Page
Page44
also hope that the growing costs of
the Iraq contracts have nothing to do
with exploiting both a vulnerable
country and ripe government funding.
I have my suspicions, but let us
review the facts. Bechtel has close
ties with the Bush administration,
partly a result of the company CEO
sitting on Bush’s hand-picked Export
Council. Bechtel is known to have
exploited its contracts in the past
(and present) to promote the only
bottom line it knows: profit. This is
evidenced repeatedly in reports on
the Big Dig, Iraq’s reconstruction,
Bolivian water supplies (3), and other
examples too innumerable to review
here. Cronyism, anyone?
Apparently, Riley Bechtel didn’t
think he could become the 50th rich-
est man in America by actually helping
people. And he didn’t think his com-
pany could become the “number one
ranked U.S. contractor” without using
political leverage and exploiting war-
torn countries. And, apparently, he
was right.
But how else would his company
end up in a column titled Profiteer
Profiles?
>>> If any of this bothers you, con-
sider dropping Bechtel a line at (617)
428-3900. Send them our best!<<<<<
Troy Hill personally profits from the War
on Iraq. Email him at Thill@clarku.edu

Citations:
1. Project on Government Oversight
http://www.pogo.org/db/found.cfm
2. Bechtel
http://www.bechtel.com/overview.htm
3. The Democracy Center
http://www.democracyctr.org/bechtel/
index.htm

Al-Qaeda Communiqué
Raises Eyebrows
(From Page 1)
Normally westerners are referred to
as ‘infidels’ or ‘crusaders.’ The new
terminology is much more awkward
and inarticulate. Forced, even.”
Other analysts have found oddities
as well, including Bob Sherman, a local
fishmonger. It first occurred to
Sherman that the letter might be
forged when he noticed multiple us-
age of the word ‘folks.’ Of his conclu-
sions, Sherman said “I know, I know,
it’s crazy, right? But I really think
George Bush wrote that darn letter.
Once that thought occurred to me, it
all seemed to fit perfectly!”
Considering that the letter is writ-
ten in English and uses words and
non-traditional grammar closely asso-
ciated with the President, the final
straw for Sherman was that the letter
routinely refers to ‘God,’ not ‘Allah,’
when Zawahiri is a known Islamic
extremist. Bush, on the other hand, is
a firm believer in God. This inconsis-
tency seemed particularly shocking as
Al Qaeda’s holy war is largely prem-
ised on an extremist branch of Islam.
“The only reasonable conclusion
to draw is that George W. Bush, not
Zawahiri, wrote the letter,” the fish-
monger said, with a look of disgust on
his face. “I guess the most offensive
part is that he totally blew it by not
letting someone intelligent edit the
damn thing.” It was unclear at the
time of publication whether Zawahiri
will be filing charges against Bush,
though a spokesman said he reserves
the right to pursue legal action.
Troy Hill knows where it’s at, and can
totally be reached at THill@clarku.edu
Page 5
How Sick Are You of Email us.
This Argument?
We really need this.
Chris Caesar – Don’t mean to
bore you. This should only take a
second. ThisIsNotTheNews@
Last Thursday, Dave Fialkov and
I shared an editorial page in The
gmail.com
Scarlet. I appreciate the profes-
sional nature of our exchange, and
I trust we’ll maintain it. That not-
withstanding, I must continue to
take issue with his contention that
we allowed anti-Semitic material
to be printed in This Is Not the
News.
Dave produced a purportedly
anti-Semitic quote in TINTN: spe-
cifically, the portion of Jake Hess’s
piece that suggests non-Jews
would object to being subjected to
an Israeli apartheid system. He
then makes a baffling leap and sug-
gests that this, in turn, necessarily
means “all Jews” would support
these measures.
What is anti-Semitic in the ac-
knowledgment that non-Jews
wouldn’t favor subjection to an
apartheid system favoring Jews?
Would Dave suggest it is racist to
grant that non-whites were “likely
to object” to South African apart-
heid? Of course not. The proposi-
tion is uncontroversial, and cer-
tainly doesn’t suggest that all Above: Clark University Police
whites supported Apartheid. Chief Goulet revealed the Univer-
There is simply nothing in the sity’s new “secret weapon” against
piece suggesting “all Jews” support on-campus crime at a press confer-
brutality. I fear Dave is grasping at ence last Wednesday.
straws here.
To Whom It May Concern:
Read Jake’s piece at:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ A Café Mocha is a variant of a Café
notthenews Latte. Like a Latte it is typically one
third espresso and two thirds
steamed milk, but as the name sug-
gests, a shot of chocolate is added.
Typically the chocolate is in the
form of an Italian syrup—Wikipedia

This Is Not the News
The historical dialectic rages on. Every Sunday.
Scarlet Retractions:
Due to The Scarlet's unwillingness to
retract even the most blatant of
mistakes in its pages, the editors of
TINTN find it prudent to do the com-
munity a service and set the record
straight. As such, we’ll be listing all
sorts of fun errors from The Scarlet,
every issue. Enjoy.
• The article Clean Energy, Null &
Void did not list co-Author Josh
Hilsdon’s name. Further, a ques-
tion mark was removed from the
title, changing the title’s signifi-
cance and relevance entirely.
• In the “What You Think” section,
Joselyn Sebastian’s name was mis-
spelled as “Jocelyn.”
• The News Briefs again included a
description of what Clark Univer-
sity is.
• In StudCo Update, Sandi Fox’s card
swipe proposal was twice incor-
rectly characterized: under her
plan, proctors are scheduled to
work until 2-3 AM, and only non-
Clark students would be required
to sign into dormitories. These
factual inaccuracies might have
been alleviated had the reporter
attended the meeting or reviewed
the proposal.
If you believe you have been the victim
of poor Scarlet editing, please let us
know at thisisnotthenews@gmail.com.