Inverclyde Times

A Magic Torch Production. Supported by Heritage Lottery Fund Winter 2005

AMAZING The forgotten history

that no one wants

INVERCLYDE!
you to know

Did you know Greenock was the birthplace

of the infamous Captain Kidd, the pirate
who inspired Treasure Island? Was he as
evil and dastardly as the history books
suggest, or was he simply a misunderstood
ship’s captain and businessman?And what
about the seventeenth century witch trials
of Inverkip village? Did a coven of witches
really try to curse ships on the Clyde?
Was the mysterious Auld Dunrod really a
warlock who flew across Greenock on his
broomstick casting evil spells and charms
on everyone below? Who was the strange
Bogle who lived on the moors between
Port Glasgow and Kilmacolm? How
many weary travellers disappeared on that
road if they failed to answer his riddles?

But the history of Inverclyde isn’t all monsters

and villains. Discover the heartbreaking
story of Robert Burns, Scotland’s national
poet and Highland Mary, the Greenock lass
he loved. See how Greenock born inventor
James Watt changed the world forever.
And how Inverclyde was at the forefront of
trade and exploration of “the new world”.

Read on for a history

lesson you won’t forget.
 SOLSTICE AT THE SERPENT
Town prepares for party of the year
500 BC
Patrons from the Sun
Worship Association
are inviting all to their
annual Solstice Party
at the Serpent Mound.
This annual event is being held
in Skelmorlie, in honour of the
Sun god Baal, in thanks for the
sun appearing the sky every
day.
Big Chief Rottentotty from the
Association spoke briefly about
the new improved location for
this years festivities. He said
“the mound was the result
of careful planning and a
range of fundraising activities
including druid racing and a
sponsored celebrity wrestling
match featuring ‘The Boulder’
and ‘Irish Mac’. We also had a
bake sale.”
“This allowed us to build
the Mound to our own
specifications for our unique
purpose. We got in a team of
experts who aligned the serpent
shaped mound with the rising
of sun on the Solstice. We
had a state of the art altar fitted
and even a paved platform
installed for the sacrifices to
sun god Baal.”
Travellers Take Heed
How to Avoid Death this
Summer While Travelling
Notice to all fishermen,
adventurers and seafaring types.
While travelling out and
about in these rough waters
remember to take the necessary
precautions against sea sickness,
shipwreck, and certain death.
Before embarking on a journey one
should always take these steps to
ensure a safe and prosperous trip.
One noisy onlooker responded 1. Go to the shore and heap
when asked about the Mound up a bucket full of sand.
2. Take this bucket of sand
“It is an amazing piece of
to our most beloved
architecture and worth every landmark the Granny
penny”. Kempock
3. Walk round Granny
Solstice party preparations Kempock seven times
were in full swing this morn still holding bucket of
sand.
with food and drink arriving
4. Remember to sing and
along with an array of livestock chant while still circling
and prisoners for the Solstice Granny Kempock with
sacrifice. Event organiser Sidix the aforementioned sand
Salmon promises the event to bucket.
be ‘bigger and better then last 5. Finally you are ready
to hit the road/river in
years” and encourages all to
search of adventure/fish
“come along have an ale, have with the full blessing of
a jig, and watch some quality our sacred stone.
sacrifices”.
Next week newlyweds and
Festivities begin at sunrise on Granny Kempock
the Solstice so come along early
to get a spot, this is one not be
missed even by Baal himself!
Romans - “We Was Robed!”
FINGAL 1 – ROMANS 0
200 AD
The local Roman auxiliaries were on their
knees once again yesterday after a crushing
defeat at the hands of Celtic hero Fingal and his
followers in a crucial battle for control of the
Clyde area. The atmosphere on Lurg Moor was
electric, and despite heavy downpours causing
marsh near the cow pens, and flooding on the
Roman road, the locals were out in force to
watch these two old rivals clash. Fingal and his
warriors were welcomed onto the battlefield
by chants of “the boys are back in town”,
while the Romans, scared off by the sight of
Fingalasaurus, were met with a verse of “In
your Roman Slums.”

The battle result was a forgone conclusion, with

Fingal trying out some new tactics, pushing
Gaul up front and moving Toscar into a more
defensive position, replacing the currently
injured Ossian, who simply sat on the bench
and took notes.
Afterwards, Fingal was asked how he thought
the battle had gone, answering:
“It was a battle of two halves, and we dominated
them both. We were all over them, proving once
and for all that it takes more than big spears and
stupid hats to win a battle.”
Fingal declined to discuss his future plans for
the Romans, though his new armour does sport
the motto “Romans go home.”
Roman manager Idious Maximus was
unavailable for comment, but one can’t help
wonder whether he and his team will still be
on the Clyde next season if they continue to
produce results like this.
Druids Fear Saint Influx
Local leaders met early today to discuss
the religious divides currently affecting
the community, following further clashes
between Pagans and Christians at a local
night spot.
Elders are critical of the new religion, saying
“it will never catch on.”
Followers of Saint Blaine and Saint Fillan
dismissed the elders as “godless”, yet Fillan
himself is modest about his achievements thus
far, and keen to extend the hand of friendship
to local religions. Blaine in particular is
looking into establishing a church in the
Greenock town centre area.
DUMBARTON ROCKS!
Town shaken by
sudden arrival
of 200 angry
Vikings!
21st September 870
In a defiant display of “barelegged”
cheek, Olaf the White brought his Norse
Powered siege machine to the Clyde
yesterday in the form of 200 Viking Ships.

Trouble had been brewing between the

Artgal, King of the Britons exhausted
Kingdom of Strathclyde and the Norse
the last of the citadels water supplies by
for sometime, and many observers
running yet another particularly deep
commented that it was only a matter of
morning bath. In response to mounting
time before the Vikings made a move
criticism over this irresponsible habit,
on the ancient capital, Dumbarton.
the King angrily responded “you try
wearing chain mail 12 hours a day
Olaf, whose family rules both Dublin
and see how stiff your muscles are.”
and the Outer Hebrides, has been
Onlookers confirmed it had been
raiding the lands of the Strathclyde
a very long day at the siege.
Britons for some years now, but with
the support of his comrade Ivar the
One thing’s for sure, if this siege
Boneless, he now seems intent of taking
goes on for much longer, King
“the rock of the clyde” for himself.
Artgal will continue to find himself
in hot water, in more ways than one.
Yesterday our reporter revealed that
things inside the fortress weren’t looking
Inside - get to grips with Norse
good, with food supplies running out
and morale at an all time low. Today Code in our special 4 page
things took a turn for the worse when Rune pullout!
 Rourke, Joyce & Marr
Estate Agents

Newark
This impressive four floor Castle has been recently refurbished and
is in good decorative order with views beyond surrounding borough
to the River Clyde. Apartments comprise: Entrance Hallway, bay
windowed hall, well with murky water, 2 doubles Bedroom with en-
suite bucket. Ample nooks and crannies. Partially glazed. Wall and
portcullis proved adequate security. Internal viewing advised.

Ardgowan
An opportunity to purchase a 1/2 share of this stylish TOP FLOOR TOR
which is in good decorative order and lies convenient for transport facilities
including a stables with regular weekly horses to Glasgow. This impressive
starter castle comprises: massive banquet hall for all your feasting needs,
dank cellar/ kitchen, master bedroom and refuse pit. Candles and fireplaces
throughout.

Easter Greenock
Offered to the market in walk through condition, the property requires
some modernisation, including new walls to meet current siege
regulations. Sure to appeal to a wide variety of lairds, the property
is ideally located for a host of amenities, including blacksmiths and
piggeries. Enjoys aspects beyond surrounding property to open hillside
and bog.

Duchal
This charming ruin offers ideal opportunites for those looking
to invest. Lying exposed in a remote rural location, this dank
fortification would make a perfect development project for the
Knight with extra time on his hands. Accommodation comprises;
three walls open plan living space, no drawbridge, evil haunting
monk
 That Auld Black Magic
There were scenes of mayhem and
devilment in the Auld Kirk today as reputed
local warlock Alexander Lindsay of Dunrod
was finally brought before the session to
answer crimes against his neighbours. A
blanket was draped over the self styled
witchlord’s head as he was escorted
into the kirk in order to avoid any local
pressmen making woodcuts of his face.
Many people of Inverclyde will be
well aware of Dunrod’s many deeds;
in particular his habit of stealing cows
milk by some devious fashion has made
him the enemy of many farmers of
the area. Mr Archie McArthur told us:
“Aye, he’s ayways aboot wi’ his boutrie
pin, sticking it in the wa’ and such, and
dryin up a’ ma guid kyes milk. Tha’ man
a ghoustie carl.” This paper would very
much like to hear from any readers who
can decypher Mr McArthurs statement.
Being questioned by the Rev V Joyless,
Dunrod was seen to smile evily as he
was stood before the session at the Kirk
and his many charges were read out. When
confronted with the allegation that he had
“milkit the laird o’Kellys kye” and “gat far
mair milk than wad mak’ a gabbert sim”,
the warlock merely stroked his beard and
gave a sinister chuckle.
The Kirk was told of the dramatic broomstick
chase which lead to the witchlord’s arrest.
Refusing to allow members of the Kirk to
question him, Auld Dunrod he muntit his
stick - his broomstick muntit he - and he
flew three times about, and through the air
did flee. Determined to catch their man,
members of the Kirk pursued Dunrod awa’
by auld Greenock tower, And by the Newark
ha’. The Warlock was finally cornered after
he lost control of his broomstick and collided
with local lore stone, the Bogle Stane.
The trial continues
P
Pagans concerned by sharp rise
in number of Witchcraft trials.
Government claims it is due to a
change in the way incidents are
recorded.
Lamont Confesses!
March 8th 1662
Inverkip villagers have been
shocked and stunned by the
claims of Miss Mary Lamont,
a local girl long suspected of
involvement in witchcraft.
Miss Lamont (18) came to
trial yesterday. In a lengthy
confession, Lamont detailed five
years of dark deeds and black
magic, including stealing milk,
dancing, and being rude to a
local minister.
“I’m not in the least bit surprised”
said local farmer John McElwee.
“There was always something
about her. I couldn’t put my
finger on it. But it must have
been that she was in league with
Satan.”

Cheese

Victims of Lamont’s evil magic

are pleased that she will at last be
brought to justice.
“Well I would see her out on
misty mornings...muttering.”
Said Agnes Lochrie “And then
I’d go out to milk the cows
and there would be nothing!
Absolutely nothing! Yet she
would have plenty of milk and
butter. At one point there was
actually talk of her opening a
cheese shop because she had so
much milk. It just wasn’t right.”
Party
Lamont claims she was first
introduced to the devil at a party
in Katherine Scott’s house. It
was around this time that the
devil asked her to join his service
and gave her a new nickname
“Clowts”. Her most damning
confessions related to the recent
events at Ardgowan Estate. “Five
weeks ago, we met at the back
gate of Ardgowan Estate, and
the devil was with us. He told us
to fetch sand from the shore and
cast it about the gates. After we
had done this, the devil turned us
into cats.”
Cats
Local folk are particularly
horrified by this claim. “The
devil turned them into cats! Can
you believe that?” said Michael
Docherty “I mean, I quite like
cats. But I certainly won’t be
nice to them in future. You never
know who you might be letting
into your house.”
Lamont also detailed the Inverkip
Coven’s recent activities in
Gourock. “We met at the
Kempock Stone. We wanted to
push the stone into the river to
destroy boats and ships. We also
danced there, and the devil kissed
us when we went away.”
Gourock Community Council
are not impressed by the witches.
“Well the last thing Gourock
needs is black magic and
vandalism.” Said May McIntosh
“They never really had a chance
at shifting that stone though. It’s
really heavy. I don’t know what
they were thinking.”
Lamont’s sentence has yet to be
passed, but as she has confessed
to being a witch she will most
probably be burned at the stake.
If she’s lucky.
 NO KIDDING
On the eve of his trial, we talk to infamous pirate
Captain William Kidd. Is he really all that bad?
23rd May 1701
Captain Kidd, how are preparations
going for the trial?
In a word…can I swear?
No
Right. Well, not great. A lot of the papers
that would prove my innocence just
seem to have mysteriously disappeared.
Know what I mean? “Disappeared” as
in stolen by the British Admiralty to
stitch me up like a kipper.
That’s a bold claim sir.
Just one of the many surprises I’ve got
in store for the jury tomorrow. And I’ve
a whole team of star witnesses who’ll
help get me off.
Can you tell us about any of them?
There’s Hugh Parrot, Darby Mullins,
Richard Barlicorn…
Aren’t they members of your crew
who are also on trial for piracy?
Aye, well, beggars can’t be choosers.
Plus, they’re basically good guys. They
wouldnae do ye a bad turn. Unless you
were on a ship full of gold. Then there
might be bother…
You are accused of murdering William
“Gunner” Moore by striking him
with a bucket…
I just chucked it at him! I never actually
hit him with it. He’d been threatening
mutiny, calling me all sorts of rude
names. And I just picked up the bucket
Kidd in court. Yesterday.
STOP PRESS.....KIDD HANGED!
There were sensational scenes today
at Execution Dock, as Captain
William Kidd was finally hanged for
treason and murder. A drunken Kidd
staggered to the gallows and spent his
final moments cursing everyone he
ever knew before rather optimistically
asking God to forgive him. At the first
in a bit of a temper and threw it at attempt, the hangmans rope snapped,
him.
but the pirate was simply strung up and
The ship’s doctor suggests he died hanged again.
later as a result of this blow to the
head.
It was just a wee bump! Anyway what
does the doctor know? Liked his rum
that Bradinham. Plus, Gunner Moore
had been feeling dodgy for weeks. He
was on his way out the moment he
stepped aboard the Adventure Galley.
Total waste of space.
Let’s talk about your early days.
You’re from Dundee originally…
No. No who said that?
Somebody from Dundee told me that
you were….
No chance. I’m frae Greenock. Mighty
mighty Greenock. And proud of it. I
don’t live there right enough. I’ve got
a nice big house in New York.
And it was while in New York that
you were approached by Lord Bel-
lamont? Kidd - available for public viewing.
Big Ballad
He’s another one him. It’s him that’s
got all the papers that would prove I
was allowed to raid French ships. The
British government asked me to raid A new broadside ballad which details
French ships. So all this nonsense about the lurid exploits of Captain Kidd has
me being a pirate… become a massive hit across London’s
It’s not true then? East End. The jaunty sea shanty is
Well…bits of it are true. Nobody’s loosely based on an apparent “final
perfect. But there’s nothing in the world confession” given by Kidd before he
that could make it appear I was guilty of took to the gallows. “The punters just
piracy. For my part I am the innocentest
person of them all. can’t get enough” says John Wilson, a
printer. “And it’s taken on a life of its
own, people keep adding in new verses
all the time…I can’t keep up. I’m sure
most of it’s true. I’m not sure about
some of the newer verses though, I don’t
honestly know if he actually fed his
own gran to a killer whale, or if he sent
a giant squid to attack His Majesty’s
Navy. I suppose he might have. He’s a
nasty piece of work.”
You can hear a recording of the ballad
on the “Downriver” cd or at www.
downriver.org.uk
 WATT A GREAT
Scotland Goes Loco as Inventor Boils Kettle
October 14th 1764
The Industrial Revolution came
to the boil last night as Greenock
born engineer James Watt finally
broke his silence about the origin
of his revolutionary invention – the
Steam Engine.
Steamy Secrets
Pressure had been building on the
young inventor and last night the
press turned up the heat with the
revelation of Watts “steamy secret”
that while he may have made one
of the greatest inventions if our
time, he had in fact only set out to
make a cup of tea!
“Its true” confessed the 28 year old
steamer. “I was only trying to make
the tea – not start a revolution.”
It seems that at a young age, Watt
had sat by the fire in his mother’s
Bell causes alarm
A ship without sails that could go
where it pleased regardless of the
weather? It may sound ridiculous,
but if Helenburgh based “inventor”
Henry Bell has his way, this could
soon become a reality.
Bell (45), came up with the idea
while in the bath. “I was splashing
away with my little model sail boat,
and I suddenly thought – what if
you made a boat without sails.
What would that be like? Pretty
good I thought.”
According to the inventor, his ship,
named the “Comet”, after the great
comet of 1811, will allow people
“to sail by the power of air, wind,
and steam.” Not only that, Bell says
it will make the trip up the Clyde
IDEA!
cottage, Greenock, and had noticed
with great interest the steam rising
from the mouth of the kettle.
Little did he realise that his obser-
vations would spark a revolution
which would change the world
forever, and make him an interna-
tional star.
“Yeah – its pretty good” admitted
Watt, “but fame has its downsides.
I can’t even get on a train anymore
without being noticed.”
Watt, who is currently working at
the University of Glasgow, is hop-
ing to go into buisness for him-
self. With his latest invention, this
we’re sure he can do WATT-ever
he wants!
Don’t miss tomorrows 4 page
special steam pullout. James “Jimmy” Watt. Yesterday.
But Bell hasn’t let his lack of
maritime expertise get in the way.
He’s hired young Port Glasgow
engineer John Wood to help him
build his boat. Speaking at his yard
in the Port yesterday, Wood (23)
said; “It’s mental. This thing can
really clock up the speed – I’ve
souped her right up so that noo she
can dae nearly five miles an hour
to Glasgow in less than 6 hours! against the head wind. It’s pure
mad.”
Until recently Bell was regarded
as something of a crank by the Bell and Wood hope to launch
majority of folk. Even his wife their ship later this month, making
wondered if her husband had taken it the first commercial steam ship
leave of his senses: “I just don’t in Europe. By September the ship
know what he’s prattling on about. will be making regular trips to
I thought he was talking about Oban in four days. Overcoming
a model boat, I didn’t realise he the strength of winds on the open
was going to build a real one. He sea may seem like one step too
doesn’t know the first thing about far for science, but we reckon this
boats – he can’t even swim. ” Comet is certainly one to watch.
 BARD GETS
A NEW BIRD
WHILE THE
OLD ONE FLIES
THE COOP!
19th October 1786
Local love rat and poet Robert Burns is
at it again according to sources. This time
Burns has apparently set his sights on local
Dunoon lass Mary Campbell or Highland
Mary as she is know to her friends. The
couple have embarked in a whirlwind affair,
reputedly sharing more than ae fond kiss or
two, and today we can exclusively reveal
that two have married in a secret wedding
ceremony in the country. Sources close to the
newlyweds claim the two took part in a secret
ceremony by the banks of the Fail declaring
their love and devotion to one another.
ARMOUR
These latest revelations will no doubt shock
and infuriate the bards ex girlfriend who is
at this moment in time pregnant with his
child in Paisley. The girl, Jean Armour was
reportedly whisked off to live with distant
relations to avoid scandal. Fortunately this
did not work as local gossips contacted the
press. It has been widely known that Jean’s
parents were no great fans of Burns and
severely disapproved of his relationship with
their daughter, and indeed Jean’s father was
reported to have fainted on hearing of his
daughter’s predicament and had to be revived
by his wife’s cordial.
JAMAICA
Burns and Mary seem the picture of wedded
bliss and have mentioned that they may be
soon leaving our fine shores for the sunnier
climate of Jamaica. Mary has recently gone
into hiding with family in Greenock, and
while Burns has left behind him a string of
broken hearts and fatherless children perhaps
she will be the one to finally tame the playboy
poet. Or perhaps not. Both parties declined to
comment.

The west coast’s PREMIER seaside
holiday resort.
The place QUEEN VICTORIA
called “BETTER THAN LARGS”
BATHE in the soothing waters of
the glorious Clyde – believed by
many to be a CURE for all manner
of AILMENTS.
ENJOY the bracing river air on a
stroll along the romantic promenade.
PLAY bowls or croquet on our hill-
side lawns! VISIT the mysterious
“Granny Kempock Stone”.
New CRAZY GOLF opening soon.
Hilarity guaranteed.
Artists impression of the stramash or stooshie.
Life After Death!
Hear messages from beyond the ether! See
apparitions! Touch unearthly ectoplasm!*
MISS ABBY McGHEE using her MOST
REMARKABLE SKILLS as a MEDIUM
will contact all DEARLY DEPARTED fam-
ily members and pets.
Pass on INTIMATIONS OF GOODWILL.
Discover the whereabouts of LOST LEGA-
CIES. Be reassured that your loved ones are
safe and well in the hereafter.
Miss McGhee will be LEADING A
SÉANCE on the 27 th November in the
GAMBLE HALLS in Gourock. Come one,
come all.
*appearance of ectoplasm not guaranteed
Marvellous New Invention!
Steam powered trousers. For the
gentleman on the go. Inspired
by the REVOLUTIONARY
IDEAS of Greenock’s most
famous son, these STEAM
PROPELLED PANTALOONS
will make short work of any
journey. No more need for cabs
and carriages! VULCANISED
INTERIOR CHASSIS to avoid
scalding. Be the envy of friends
and family, leave elderly rela-
tives in your wake.
Gentlemen warned
after disagreement
Two Greenock gentlemen were
yesterday thrown out of the “White
Hart Inn” following a disagreement
over a ladyfriend. Mr David Buchanan
questioned the good manners of Mr
Ronald Campbell’s companion, a
mutual acquaintance. Buchanan is
reported to have replied “You sir,
are a tumshie! Please be quiet.”
Campbell took tremendous offence
at this, apparently proclaiming
“How dare you sir! I must insist
that you join me outside. You are
getting it.” A slightly inebriated
Buchanan then rose to the bait,
saying “Indeed! Come ahead!” Both
gentlemen tumbled into the town
square and fisticuffs commenced.
The constabulary arrived shortly
thereafter. Both gentleman have
received a warning, a small fine and
are barred from the White Hart Inn
for a period of four days.