Good Enough for Government Work®

How to Rite a
DEPARTMENT
OF DUPLICITY AND
AND DUPLICATION

Research Article:
Center for Unnecessary Analysis
Division of Nonessential Personnel
Misinformation Transfer Branch
GPRA Avoidance Group

A Self-Help Guide
Tongue in Cheek (TIC) Series—Number 4

Mim Landry—Series Editor

April 1, 2011
 HOW TO RITE A RESEARCH ARTICLE
Introduction
Hello there. To understand how to write a
research article, it can be useful to more
closely examine the word research. The
term is actually a combination of two
words, res and earch. What do these
words mean? No one knows. And that’s
why research is so mysterious. But it is a
cool way to make money, and let’s go with
that. Sometimes you get to blow stuff up!
Long ago, cave men and cave ladies drew
mysterious drawings on cave walls. What
were they trying to communicate? What
did they want? Where did they get the
paint? And did they own or rent the
caves? More mysteries. Let’s not go
there.
Let’s go here: To write a research article,
it is recommended that you first conduct
some research. Not a rigid rule, but a
suggestion. Research articles allow you an
opportunity to share those ridiculous
thoughts that are constantly rolling
around in your head. Nobody is going to
read it, so have fun, play around with
facts, and by all means, um, I forgot.
Step One: Brainstorm!
Don’t have a topic? Don’t sweat it. A
Brainstorm® is a group creativity
technique designed to generate ideas you
didn’t know you had. Also, it can be a
great way to meet the ladies. Here are
some tips about how to Brainstorm®.
Focus on Quantity. Remember the maxim
quantity breeds quality. Not sure what
that means, but it’s right there in
Wikipedia. Check for yourself. Radical.
Withhold Criticism. Well, not in my
family, where the emphasis is
exaggerative and willful infliction of
maximum shame. But during
Brainstorming®, participants suspend
judgment, which prompts others to
generate a parade of one horrifically
unuseful and ridiculous idea after
another. It’s a group thing.
Welcome Unusual Ideas. Unless they
break local laws or the Ten
Commandments, appear to welcome
unusual ideas. Pretend to suspend
assumptions. Don’t look at your colleagues
in the eye. Try not to laugh. Just let them
ramble on about their idée du moment.
Turn down your hearing aid.
TIP: When brainstorming, don’t
worry about grammar, spelling, or
truth. It seriously doesn’t matter.
 How to Rite a Research Article
Combine and Improve Ideas. Good ideas
that were generated, if any, may be
combined to form a single more better
idea, as suggested by the slogan "1+1=3".
Or, when nobody is looking, erase
everything on the white board and write
down the topics you intend to pursue
anyway. That’s leadership.
Step Two: Select Your Topic
What type of things interest you? What
captures your imagination? Are you
curious about things? You like puppies?
Moammar Gaddafi? Radiation Biology?
Charlie Sheen? What about Lady Gaga?
Weed? Infammatory Bowel Disease? Hey,
how about the Tea Party?
These are just a few of the kind of
things you can ramble on and on about in
your research article. Do you wonder how
things work? For instance, do you
sometimes wonder what goes on in Newt
Gingrich’s mind? I sure do.
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Step Three: Narrow Your Topic Down
Or is it “Narrow Down Your Topic?” I
forget. Once you have selected your
broad topic, it is important to narrow it
down and make it more manageable. Let’s
begin with Egypt as a topic. It’s a country
in the Middle East or North Africa or
something. I think they are rioting there
today. It’s all the rage. Hey, here we go!
As you can see in the table below, the
topic “Egypt” is too broad. And you don’t
have that much time. So you keep
narrowing it down until it’s a topic you can
easily write, say in an afternoon.
Main Topic: Egypt
1. Egypt: Too Broad
2. Ancient Egypt: Too Broad
3. Egyptian Pyramids: Too Broad
Final Topic:
Ancient Egypt: Building the Sphinx
Now, let’s try another topic. Say you have
selected Newt Gingrich as your topic.
However, like Egypt, Newt Gingrich is a
very large topic. So you need to narrow
down your topic. It goes like this:
Main Topic: Newt Gingrich
1. Newt Gingrich: Too Broad
2. Newt Gingrich Controversies: Too
Broad
3. Newt Gingrich’s Problem with Women:
Too Broad
Final Topic:
Newt Gingrich: Three Marriages, Affairs,
and Other Embarrassments
 How to Rite a Research Article
See how easy that is? As you can see, Mr.
Gingrich is a broad topic, if you know
what I mean. The universe of Newt
Gingrich’s controversies is too broad for
a single article. Mr. Gingrich’s problems
with women would fill the Fukushima
Daiichi Nuclear Power Plant. Too broad!
So we can narrow the topic down a bit:
Mr. Gingrich’s failed marriages, numerous
affairs, and such tid-bits as discussing
divorcing one of his wives while she was in
the hospital recovering from cancer. You
can’t make this stuff up. That’s research!
Step Four: Develop Thesis Statement
Thesis is the name of a really cool emo
band from Seattle. Or it should have
been. But for the rest of us, a thesis is
the main idea of your article, sometimes
written in a simple declarative sentence.
For example, consider the following
simple declarative sentence: Newt
Gingrich has neither the aptitude nor the
ability to remain in a committed marriage
given his predilection for having affairs
and other troubled relationships with
women. He is a sanctimonious putz. Okay
that was two sentences, but still.
Step Five: Preliminary Research
Do you know how to read? Great! That will
come in handy. Let’s take a trip to the
library! Libraries are those red brick
buildings you didn’t vote in last election.
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Good Enough For Government Work®
Inside the library are books. Lots. Open
one. Try it. They won’t hurt you. You can—
get this—“check books out.” If you can’t
read, or forgot how, you can also get
books on tape. Libraries also have
magazines, photocopy machines, and
sometimes librarians and homeless people.
Libraries have the Internet in there, too!
And inside the Internet, they got blogs.
Check that out. Libraries have a lot of
resources from which you can plagiarize
willy-nilly. I’m just saying
Step Six: Take Notes/Make Cards
Do you know how to write? Fantastic. You
are #Winning! After you have read all
that stuff from the voting center library,
you need to take some notes.
We suggest using 3 x 5 index cards
(inches not feet) and write down one idea
per card. Make sure you write down
where you got this idea, because you sure
as hell didn’t come up with it yourself.
The first library was in Alexandria,
Egypt, where riots continue.
 How to Rite a Research Article
You’ll need that stuff to make a footnote,
endnote, or something. You can use these
note cards to make an outline, but not the
kind of outline that police draw on the
sidewalk in the opening scenes of Law &
Order: Baton Rouge.
Step Seven: Revise Your Thesis
It happens. You sober up. You realize that
your draft thesis statement makes no
sense and you have grave regrets and feel
the need to make apologies to many
people. You feel the need to join or start
a 12-Step group. Things are kind of grim.
Take a fresh look at your thesis
statement. Adapt it to fit those stupid
note cards laying on the floor. The goal of
research is not simply to back up your
perspective but to develop a perspective.
What does that even mean?
Step Eight: Organize Your Ideas
Okay, this is where weed is not so helpful.
You have narrowed down your topic,
conducted preliminary research, and make
notes on cute index cards. Now you need
to look at your scribbles on the note
cards and develop an outline to organize
your ideas. Good luck with that.
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It could be fun! But it won’t be. You’ll
stare at the note cards wondering what
you did that brought you to this horrible
situation. Slowly you stagger to your feet,
stumble toward the computer, and start
writing an outline that becomes the basis
of your article. It goes a little like this:
1. Introduction: Newt Gingrich:
Multiple Marriages and Affairs: A
Cautionary Tale of Woe and Wonder
2. Marriage to Former High School
Teacher Jackie Battley
2.1 How They Met: Oh Yeah, High School
2.2 He was 19 and she was 26. Thoughts?
2.3 Jackie Gets Uterine Cancer
2.3 Newt’s Affair with Marianne Ginther
2.4 Newt Deserts Wife and Kids
2.5 No Alimony or Child Support
2.6 Church Collection to Support Battley
2.4 D-I-V-O-R-C-E (February 1981)
3. Marriage to Marianne Ginther
(August 1981)
3.1 How They Met: Oh Yeah, an Affair
3.2.1 The Early Years: Gnashing of Teeth
3.3 Good Times: Separate Residences
3.4 Reconciliation! Hope is in the Air!
3.5 Affair with Callista Bisek
3.6 Separate Residences Again
3.76 D-I-V-O-R-C-E (June 1999)
4.Marriage to Callista Bisek (2000)
4.1 How They Met: Oh Yeah, an Affair
4.2 Affair During Lewinsky Scandal
4.3 23 Year Age Difference: Patterns?
4.4 Current Affairs and Lies
Drunk dialing is considered research
 How to Rite a Research Article
Step Nine: Write Rough Draft
Okay now you have your outline, your
laptop, and various pharmaceutical aids.
Time to crack-a-lack. This is where
Wikipedia comes in handy. And when we
say “rough draft” we aren’t kidding.
Charlie Sheen rough. The rough draft of
your research article should have the
following sections. No not the Asian girl
below who is super excited to be typing.
Abstract. An abstract should be a
concise summary of 200 words or less.
Yours will be a rambling diatribe of
incomprehensible thoughts of about six
pages. That should do it.
Introduction. The introduction informs
the reader of your topic, builds reader
curiosity, and concludes with a thesis
statement. Good luck with that.
Body. The body should prove each main
point using facts from sources, examples,
and quotations. Too bad you didn’t
photocopy that stuff.
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Good Enough For Government Work®
Conclusion. The conclusion should
summarize your main points, excluding
specific details, and restate the thesis
statement in different words. Too bad
you don’t have any of these.
Literature Cited. You did write that
stuff down on those note cards, didn’t
you? If not, quickly go to Wikipedia and
cut and paste oh say, 15 references.
Step Ten: Revision and Final Draft
Leave your draft alone for a day or two
before re-reading. Consider leaving it
outside in the rain and harsh sun to age
and settle for a few days. Once it has the
appearance of birch bark or parchment,
take a peek at it. Read it aloud, perhaps
to a pet or a neighbor who does not speak
English.
You should make an effort to read
through your article at least once while in
a state of relative abstemiousness.
Ensure that your assertions are backed
up by reliable sources (Not Fox News).
Give the article to your co-worker’s
Salvadoran boyfriend to look for spelling,
grammar, punctuation, or word choice
errors. That should do it.
A Few Words about Plagiarism
Technically, it’s not plagiarism if you pay
someone else to write your paper. That’s
wrong of course, but it is not plagiarism.
How to Rite a Research Article Good Enough For Government Work®

Good Enough for Government Work.®

Contact the Author at mimlandry@gmail.com