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How to Rite a Research Article

How to Rite a Research Article

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Published by mimlandry
A parody on how to write a research article. It's quite funny. You should read it.
A parody on how to write a research article. It's quite funny. You should read it.

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Published by: mimlandry on Apr 04, 2011
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Good Enough for Government Work®

Center for Unnecessary Analysis Division of Nonessential Personnel Misinformation Transfer Branch GPRA Avoidance Group

How to Rite a Research Article: A Self-Help Guide
Tongue in Cheek (TIC) Series—Number 4 Mim Landry—Series Editor April 1, 2011

Introduction Hello there. To understand how to write a research article, it can be useful to more closely examine the word research. The term is actually a combination of two words, res and earch. What do these words mean? No one knows. And that’s why research is so mysterious. But it is a cool way to make money, and let’s go with that. Sometimes you get to blow stuff up! Step One: Brainstorm! Don’t have a topic? Don’t sweat it. A Brainstorm® is a group creativity technique designed to generate ideas you didn’t know you had. Also, it can be a great way to meet the ladies. Here are some tips about how to Brainstorm®. Focus on Quantity. Remember the maxim quantity breeds quality. Not sure what that means, but it’s right there in Wikipedia. Check for yourself. Radical. Withhold Criticism. Well, not in my family, where the emphasis is

Brainstorming®, participants suspend judgment, which prompts others to generate a parade of one horrifically unuseful and ridiculous idea after another. It’s a group thing. Long ago, cave men and cave ladies drew mysterious drawings on cave walls. What were they trying to communicate? What did they want? Where did they get the paint? And did they own or rent the caves? More mysteries. Let’s not go there. Welcome Unusual Ideas. Unless they break local laws or the Ten Commandments, appear to welcome unusual ideas. Pretend to suspend assumptions. Don’t look at your colleagues in the eye. Try not to laugh. Just let them ramble on about their idée du moment. Turn down your hearing aid.

exaggerative and willful infliction of maximum shame. But during

it is recommended that you first conduct some research. Not a rigid rule, but a suggestion. Research articles allow you an opportunity to share those ridiculous thoughts that are constantly rolling around in your head. Nobody is going to read it, so have fun, play around with facts, and by all means, um, I forgot.

Let’s go here: To write a research article,

TIP: When brainstorming, don’t worry about grammar, spelling, or truth. It seriously doesn’t matter.

How to Rite a Research Article

Good Enough For Government Work®

Combine and Improve Ideas. Good ideas that were generated, if any, may be combined to form a single more better idea, as suggested by the slogan "1+1=3". Or, when nobody is looking, erase everything on the white board and write down the topics you intend to pursue anyway. That’s leadership. Step Two: Select Your Topic What type of things interest you? What captures your imagination? Are you curious about things? You like puppies? Moammar Gaddafi? Radiation Biology? Charlie Sheen? What about Lady Gaga? Weed? Infammatory Bowel Disease? Hey, how about the Tea Party?

Step Three: Narrow Your Topic Down Or is it “Narrow Down Your Topic?” I forget. Once you have selected your broad topic, it is important to narrow it down and make it more manageable. Let’s begin with Egypt as a topic. It’s a country in the Middle East or North Africa or something. I think they are rioting there today. It’s all the rage. Hey, here we go! As you can see in the table below, the topic “Egypt” is too broad. And you don’t have that much time. So you keep narrowing it down until it’s a topic you can easily write, say in an afternoon. Main Topic: Egypt 1. Egypt: Too Broad 2. Ancient Egypt: Too Broad 3. Egyptian Pyramids: Too Broad Final Topic: Ancient Egypt: Building the Sphinx Now, let’s try another topic. Say you have selected Newt Gingrich as your topic. However, like Egypt, Newt Gingrich is a very large topic. So you need to narrow down your topic. It goes like this: Main Topic: Newt Gingrich 1. Newt Gingrich: Too Broad 2. Newt Gingrich Controversies: Too Broad 3. Newt Gingrich’s Problem with Women: Too Broad Final Topic: Newt Gingrich: Three Marriages, Affairs, and Other Embarrassments

These are just a few of the kind of things you can ramble on and on about in your research article. Do you wonder how things work? For instance, do you sometimes wonder what goes on in Newt Gingrich’s mind? I sure do.


How to Rite a Research Article

Good Enough For Government Work®

See how easy that is? As you can see, Mr. Gingrich is a broad topic, if you know what I mean. The universe of Newt Gingrich’s controversies is too broad for a single article. Mr. Gingrich’s problems with women would fill the Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear Power Plant. Too broad! So we can narrow the topic down a bit: Mr. Gingrich’s failed marriages, numerous affairs, and such tid-bits as discussing divorcing one of his wives while she was in the hospital recovering from cancer. You can’t make this stuff up. That’s research! Step Four: Develop Thesis Statement Thesis is the name of a really cool emo band from Seattle. Or it should have been. But for the rest of us, a thesis is the main idea of your article, sometimes written in a simple declarative sentence. For example, consider the following simple declarative sentence: Newt

Inside the library are books. Lots. Open one. Try it. They won’t hurt you. You can— get this—“check books out.” If you can’t read, or forgot how, you can also get books on tape. Libraries also have magazines, photocopy machines, and sometimes librarians and homeless people.

that was two sentences, but still.

Gingrich has neither the aptitude nor the ability to remain in a committed marriage given his predilection for having affairs and other troubled relationships with women. He is a sanctimonious putz. Okay

Libraries have the Internet in there, too! And inside the Internet, they got blogs. Check that out. Libraries have a lot of resources from which you can plagiarize willy-nilly. I’m just saying Step Six: Take Notes/Make Cards Do you know how to write? Fantastic. You are #Winning! After you have read all that stuff from the voting center library, you need to take some notes. We suggest using 3 x 5 index cards (inches not feet) and write down one idea per card. Make sure you write down where you got this idea, because you sure as hell didn’t come up with it yourself.

Step Five: Preliminary Research Do you know how to read? Great! That will come in handy. Let’s take a trip to the library! Libraries are those red brick buildings you didn’t vote in last election.

The first library was in Alexandria, Egypt, where riots continue.


How to Rite a Research Article

Good Enough For Government Work®

You’ll need that stuff to make a footnote, endnote, or something. You can use these note cards to make an outline, but not the kind of outline that police draw on the sidewalk in the opening scenes of Law &

Order: Baton Rouge.

It could be fun! But it won’t be. You’ll stare at the note cards wondering what you did that brought you to this horrible situation. Slowly you stagger to your feet, stumble toward the computer, and start writing an outline that becomes the basis of your article. It goes a little like this: 1. Introduction: Newt Gingrich: Multiple Marriages and Affairs: A Cautionary Tale of Woe and Wonder 2. Marriage to Former High School Teacher Jackie Battley 2.1 How They Met: Oh Yeah, High School 2.2 He was 19 and she was 26. Thoughts? 2.3 Jackie Gets Uterine Cancer 2.3 Newt’s Affair with Marianne Ginther 2.4 Newt Deserts Wife and Kids 2.5 No Alimony or Child Support 2.6 Church Collection to Support Battley 2.4 D-I-V-O-R-C-E (February 1981) 3. Marriage to Marianne Ginther (August 1981) 3.1 How They Met: Oh Yeah, an Affair 3.2.1 The Early Years: Gnashing of Teeth 3.3 Good Times: Separate Residences 3.4 Reconciliation! Hope is in the Air! 3.5 Affair with Callista Bisek 3.6 Separate Residences Again 3.76 D-I-V-O-R-C-E (June 1999) 4.Marriage to Callista Bisek (2000) 4.1 How They Met: Oh Yeah, an Affair 4.2 Affair During Lewinsky Scandal 4.3 23 Year Age Difference: Patterns? 4.4 Current Affairs and Lies

Step Seven: Revise Your Thesis It happens. You sober up. You realize that your draft thesis statement makes no sense and you have grave regrets and feel the need to make apologies to many people. You feel the need to join or start a 12-Step group. Things are kind of grim. Take a fresh look at your thesis statement. Adapt it to fit those stupid note cards laying on the floor. The goal of research is not simply to back up your perspective but to develop a perspective. What does that even mean? Step Eight: Organize Your Ideas Okay, this is where weed is not so helpful. You have narrowed down your topic, conducted preliminary research, and make notes on cute index cards. Now you need to look at your scribbles on the note cards and develop an outline to organize your ideas. Good luck with that.

Drunk dialing is considered research


How to Rite a Research Article

Good Enough For Government Work®

Step Nine: Write Rough Draft Okay now you have your outline, your laptop, and various pharmaceutical aids. Time to crack-a-lack. This is where Wikipedia comes in handy. And when we say “rough draft” we aren’t kidding. Charlie Sheen rough. The rough draft of your research article should have the following sections. No not the Asian girl below who is super excited to be typing.

Conclusion. The conclusion should summarize your main points, excluding specific details, and restate the thesis statement in different words. Too bad you don’t have any of these. Literature Cited. You did write that stuff down on those note cards, didn’t you? If not, quickly go to Wikipedia and cut and paste oh say, 15 references. Step Ten: Revision and Final Draft Leave your draft alone for a day or two before re-reading. Consider leaving it outside in the rain and harsh sun to age and settle for a few days. Once it has the appearance of birch bark or parchment, take a peek at it. Read it aloud, perhaps to a pet or a neighbor who does not speak English. You should make an effort to read through your article at least once while in a state of relative abstemiousness. Ensure that your assertions are backed up by reliable sources (Not Fox News). Give the article to your co-worker’s Salvadoran boyfriend to look for spelling, grammar, punctuation, or word choice errors. That should do it. A Few Words about Plagiarism Technically, it’s not plagiarism if you pay someone else to write your paper. That’s wrong of course, but it is not plagiarism.

Abstract. An abstract should be a concise summary of 200 words or less. Yours will be a rambling diatribe of incomprehensible thoughts of about six pages. That should do it. Introduction. The introduction informs the reader of your topic, builds reader curiosity, and concludes with a thesis statement. Good luck with that. Body. The body should prove each main point using facts from sources, examples, and quotations. Too bad you didn’t photocopy that stuff.


How to Rite a Research Article

Good Enough For Government Work®

Good Enough for Government Work.® Contact the Author at mimlandry@gmail.com


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