If you hear a voice within you say you cannot paint, then by all means paint, and t

hat voice will be silenced. ~ Vincent Van Gogh

We are all beset with doubts sometimes. Even the most self-assured and successfu
l people can be unsure of themselves. Some people are clearly more confident tha
n others, though. To what extent this is nature and nurture is unclear, though I sus
pect that nurture has a lot to do with it. I ve seen my own confidence wax and wane
over the years, and external factors have certainly played a part. Some signs th
at you might be lacking somewhat in confidence are:
Thinking that other people are better than you
Expecting the worst outcome
Engaging in negative self-talk
Feeling the need to justify your behavior to others
Overreacting to criticism
Not having many friends or avoiding social situations
Body language that is defensive and closed.
If you have some of these traits, perhaps you need to consider building more con
fidence. Can this be done? I think it s clear is that confidence, like most other
traits, can be developed. Like a muscle, with training and in time, it can becom
e strong and powerful. To put it another way: confidence is a habit confidence b
egets confidence. Here are some training ideas to develop this most important of
habits.

Make friends with your failings and limitations

This is a key area. Obviously, you are not perfect far from it. So long as you a
re challenging yourself, stepping out of your comfort zone and seeking to develo
p, you will be making mistakes. The mistakes are signs of growth and nothing to
be ashamed of.. Confident people are comfortable in their own skin, happy with t
hemselves in all their imperfection. They have nothing to prove.
Don t be pushy or aggressive
Confidence can manifest itself in many different ways, and sometimes there is a
visibly assertive quality to it, but there is also a quieter and more restrained
confidence. When you meet a confident person, you tend to pick up that the pers
on is happy with himself and feels comfortable in her own skin. Confidence does
not mean aggressive, pushy, loud or superior, which is often a sign of over-comp
ensation for some kind of inferiority complex.
Don t be defensive
Listening to and acting on criticism is an important part of being confident. It
is often very hard for us to be objective about ourselves, and other people can
give us great insights into our strengths and weaknesses. Of course, we have to
be critical about the things that people tell us, not falling into credulity an
d taking everything they say at face value. But the insights afforded by others
can be very valuable. If people laugh at you or attack you, this probably says m
ore about them than about you. Insecure people often try to cover up their feeli
ngs of inadequacy by falling into such behaviors.

Do what you believe to be right

Confident people tend to rely on an internal guidance system to keep them going
along the right track, whereas those with less confidence can be buffeted around
by other people s opinions and agendas. Having an inner compass is an essential p
art of living assertively and confidently, and following the compass can sometim
es mean having to take risks. But without risk, there is no growth.
Set challenging goals
Confident people tend to live in a more conscious and deliberate way, setting go
als for themselves. They are secure enough to tolerate failure, and are comforta
ble with not getting things right first time. If we are not growing, then we are
falling back there is always movement. As we challenge ourselves, our comfort z
one grows, and this growth often involves the pain of failure. This pain is too
much for insecure people to bear. But to confident people, failure is only a ste
pping-stone, not the destination. Success, for confident people, is inevitable.
It s only a matter of time.
Keep a record of your achievements
It is common for people with limited self-confidence to compare themselves unfav
orably with others. Such people may assume that others are better and have achieve
d more, so it can be very helpful to make a list of achievements. If you do this
, you may find that the list is longer than you thought. Imagine what you would
think if this were a list of someone else s achievements. Would you be impressed?
Would you think highly of that person?
Learn to be optimistic
People who lack self-confidence are often pessimistic about the future and tend
to think the worst. It s important to replace negative, self-defeating mental chat
ter with upbeat, positive self-talk. All day long, thoughts are swirling around
inside our head and we need to be conscious about this. Such self awareness isn t
easy, but with some gentle persistence you can become more aware of your thought
s and, when you catch yourself thinking in a negative way, replace the thought w
ith something more positive. Examples of negative thinking are: exaggerating the
negative aspects of things, taking things personally, feeling you are being bla
med for things or feeling like a victim, to name just a few. Simply being aware
of negative thinking modalities can be a great help in overcoming them. When you
catch yourself thinking in such negative ways, try to replace the thought with
something more self-affirming.
Take a balanced approach
The benefits of confidence are clear but, as with most things, too much of it ca
n be unhealthy. Over-confidence, which can lead to errors of judgment and under-
performance, is dangerous and should be guarded against. Confidence is about get
ting the balance right.
Relax
Confident people are more relaxed, happier and enjoy situations, however challen
ging, a lot more than those with low self-esteem, trusting that they can deal wi
th whatever problems and challenges might arise. If you fail, if you get it all
wrong, it won t be the end of the world. If you re tense and worried about how you re
being perceived, your energy is being wasted it s not going into the matter at han
d. So let go, take the focus of attention off yourself, relax and enjoy the ride
.
Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be succe
ssful or happy. ~ Norman Vincent Peale
The benefits of being confident are clear: you ll be happier, more relaxed and pro
bably healthier. You ll use time more effectively because you won t be worrying endl
essly about other people s opinions, and you ll have a clearer sense of purpose, so
you ll be a lot more effective. Confidence, in a sense, is the key to happiness an
d fulfillment.
What a fool am I, thus to lie in a stinking dungeon, when I may as well walk at l
iberty! I have a key in my bosom, called Promise, that will, I am persuaded, op
en any lock in Doubting Castle. ~ John Bunyan