The Perfect Son

A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn't. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

JOKES AND FUNNY DIALOGUES

The first day
Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?" Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow? Do you understand me? Son: No.

End of the world

Man: I could go to the end of the world for you. Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

I dont know!

Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?" Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?" Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!" Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"

Let's share

Attaining wisdom

Man: I want to share everything with you. Woman: Let's start from your bank account.

Mice family

A family of mice was surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."

Once someone asked Hodja, "How can one attain wisdom?" Hodja replied, "Always listen attentively to what the wise and learned men tell you. And when you are speaking to others, listen carefully to what you are saying!"

A hundred dollar bill

Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No. I was standing on it.

Wooden leg
My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith. So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"

Taxi
A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi. B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

Thump in the soup

Grave

It hurts

A: Why are you crying? B: The elephant is dead. A: Was he your pet? B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.

Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it. Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts." The doctor asks, "What do you mean?" The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts." The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"

Cheap apartment
The real estate agent says, "I have a good, cheap apartment for you." The man replies, "By the week or by the month?" The agent answers, "By the garbage dump.."

Short talk
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up. "Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?" "Wrong number," replied the girl.

Funnier

The spoon
Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

Punishment

"You look very funny wearing that belt." "I would look even funnier if I didn't wear it."

Attention

Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say. Doctor: Next please!

PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didnt do?" TEACHER: "Of course not." PUPIL: "Good, because I havent done my homework."

Which part
"I was born in California." "Which part?" "All of me."

Decisions

Fifty five
A teacher asked a student to write 55. Student asked: How? Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5! The student wrote 5 and stopped. Teacher: What are you waiting for? Student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!

Ten dollars
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?" One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie." "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions? Student: Well...yes and no.

Simple present
The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present. The student: I walk. You walk.... The teacher interrupts him: Quicker please. The student: I run. You run...

May I!

Boy or girl

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl? B: It's a girl. She's my daughter. A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father. B: I'm not. I'm her mother.

Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom? Little Johnny: But I asked first!

The dishes

Idiot
Son: Dad, what is an idiot? Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him.

Father: What did you do today to help your mother? Son: I dried the dishes Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.

Breakfast
A: Look at your face I know what you have for breakfast B: What was it? A: Eggs.

B: No, that was yesterday.

Race

A: Why are all those people running? B: They are running a race to get a cup. A: Who will get the cup? B: The person who wins. A: Then why are all the others running?

But its the skull of a boy! exclaimed one tourist. Yes, said the guide, blushing. That must have been when he was a lad.

Stop screaming!

Vampire
Patient: Doctor, I think that I've bitten by a vampire. Doctor: Drink this glass of water. Patient: Will it make me better? Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.

Dentist: Stop screaming! I havent even touched your tooth. In fact youre not on the chair yet. Boy: I know, but youre standing on my foot!

I went into a bakery, I said: How much for these two pies? The girl behind the counter said: 90 pence. I said: How much is it for one? She said: 60 pence. I said: Ill have the other one.

Farmer

How long?
Customer: Excuse me, but how long have you been working here? Waitress: About three months, sir. Customer: Oh. Then it couldnt have been you who took my order.

The blood

A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this? B: It's because your feet aren't empty.

Nine oclock

Angry employer: You should have been here at nine oclock. Late employee: Why, what happened?

I bet you dont know how many sheep there are in this field? said the English farmer to the Irish visitor. The Irishman glanced around the field and then replied: Three hundred and eighty-six. The farmer was astonished. Thats incredible! Youre perfectly right. How did you manage it? Oh, it was quite simple, said the Irishman. I just counted the number of legs and divided by four.

Homework
Teacher: Did your father help you with your homework? Student: No, he did it all by himself.

Messages
Boss: Did you take any messages while I was out? Young secretary: No. Are any of them missing? Fly 'Waiter! There is a fly in my soup.' 'Would you prefer it to be served separately?'

Mother kangaroo
The mother kangaroo suddenly leapt into the air and gave a cry of pain and anguish. Sidney! she screamed. How many more times do I have to tell you that you cannot smoke in bed!

Questions

One day a neighbor inquired of Hodja, "Why do you always answer a question with another question?" He replied, "Do I?"

Camel

Sugar

Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies? Student: I don't know. Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from? Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.

Magician

'Waiter! There is a fly in my soup.' 'No sir, that's the chef. The last customer was a magician doctor.'

Fly soup
'Waiter! There is a fly in my soup.' 'I know sir it's a fly soup.'

Werewolf
I used to be a werewolf... But I'm much better noooooooooooow !

Insecticide

Stop

"Spell STOP three times." STOP, STOP, STOP " "What do you do when you come to a green light?" (Answer is invariably-) "Stop!" "What, at a GREEN light?"

'Waiter! There is a fly in my soup.' Oh, dear, it must have committed insecticide.

Brakes
Driving instructor: 'What would you do if you were coming down that very steep hill into town and your brakes failed?' Learner: 'Hit something cheap?

A camel decided to educate his who he thought was getting a little inquisitive. Why do we have two humps? asked the son. Thats so that we can go for days and weeks without water. We can store it in the humps. Why do we have very long eye lashes? That, he was told, is to protect the eyes from the sand in a sand storm. And why do we have bulbous looking feet? That is so that we can travel twice as fast through the desert. Dad, asked the young camel, what the hell are we doing in this zoo?

Shape of the earth

Whats the shape of the earth? the teacher asked Willie. Round. How do you know its round? All right, its square. I dont want to start an argument.

Frog
In a restaurant: Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!! Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.

Profit

Pretty ugly

Customer: But if it costs ten pounds to make these watches, and you sell them for ten pounds where does your profit come in? Shopkeeper: From repairing.

Bright class

Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter? Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.

The wrong answer

Teacher: If I were to ask you to add 9731 to 237 and then halve it, what do you think you would get? Simon: The wrong answer, sir

Big men
A visitor to the Mid West asked: Any big men ever born in this town? No, came the reply. Just little babies.

Heaven

William Shakespeare

A guide was showing tourists around the museum at Strafford upon Avon. This is the skull of William Shakespeare, he told the group.

Sunday school teacher: Now, Jonathan, can you tell me what sort of people goes to Heaven? Jonathan: Dead ones miss.

Visitor: You must have an unusually bright class. Whenever you asked a question-no matter how difficult-every student raised his hand. Teacher: Theyre just average students. Confidentially, the explanation for their hand-raising is that whenever we have a visitor, all students raise the right hand; those who dont know the answer raise the left hand.

Desert island
Suppose you found yourself on a desert island, Bob, said the teacher, and could

Pies

have only one book. Which book would you prefer? After thinking a moment, Bob replied, Boat Building for Amateurs.

New bicycle

The two fleas were just leaving the theatre when the male flea turned to the female flea and said: Shall we walk, or take a dog?

Fool thing
A philosopher defined the difference between life and love: Life is just one fool thing after another; love is just two fool things after each other.

Honeymoon

Little Johnny, exhibiting his skill in riding a new bicycle, came down the street in front of his house. Look, Mum, he cried, folding his arms, no hands! Again he came into view, this time coasting with his feet off the pedals. Look, Mum, he shouted, no feet! Half an hour passed, and Johnny again put in his appearance. This time, somewhat subdued (softened) he gurgled, Look, Mum no front tooth.

On the first morning after the a young husband arose, went to the kitchen and took breakfast up to his bride. There, he said. What do you think of that? She gazed at the tea, the bacon and eggs, the toast and marmalade, all nicely set out on the tray, and said: Why, thats wonderful. Yes, he replied, and thats how I want it every morning.

Traffic
A man stood on the street corner waiting to cross while the traffic streamed by, swift and continuous. After a long wait, the man became impatient, but he dared not risk going out into the traffic He spied another pedestrian on the other side of the street and called to him, Hey, I say, how did you get over there? The other man cupped his hands about his mouth and shouted, I was born here.

Ten men in a boat

Teacher to class: There were ten men in a boat and it tipped over; nine men got their hair wet, but the other man didnt get his hair wet. Can one of you tell me why? Class clown: Because the other man was bald.

Grandfather
Clive: Tony, is it true you married Cynthia for the money her grandfather left her? Tony: Of course not! I would still have married her if someone else had left her the money.

Playground

Who is this speaking?

Fortune

Religious knowledge teacher: Now, Timothy, where do naughty boys and girls go? Timothy: Behind the bicycle shed in the playground.

Voice over telephone: Tommy Hagan wont be in school today. Teacher: Who is this speaking, please? Voice: This is my father speaking.

Resolution
Tim: Whats your New Years resolution? Frank: To be much less conceited. Tim: Will that be difficult to maintain for a year? Frank: Not for someone as clever and intelligent as me.

The young man asked the beautiful young girl to marry him, pointing out that his father was 103 years old and that he was heir to his fathers substantial fortune. The girl asked the young man for time to consider his offer. Two weeks later, she became his step-mother.

A good little boy

Mother: Where did you get that black eye, Jimmy? Didnt I tell you that good little boys never fight? Jimmy: Yes, mother, and believed you. I thought he was a good little boy and I hit him, and then I found out he wasnt.

Hell
Fred: My wife converted me to religion. Bill: Your wife converted you to religion? How did she do that? Fred: Because I didnt believe in Hell until I married her!

Supermarket

Fishing

Young Harold was late for Sunday school, and the minister asked the cause. I was going fishing, but Father wouldnt let me, announced the lad. Thats the right kind of father to have, replied the reverend gentleman. Did he explain the reason he would not let you go? Yes, sir. He said there wasnt bait enough for two.

The old inmate

Return ticket
Customer: A return ticket, please. Airline reservation clerk: Where to, sir? Customer: Back here, please.

The old inmate greeted his new cell partner with the question How long you in for? Twenty-five years, the new prisoner replied. Then you take the bed nearest the door, said the old timer. You will be getting out first.

The little girl had been taken to the supermarket by her mother but somehow managed to get lost near the tinned food section. Excuse me, asked the little girl of another customer. Have you seen a mother walking along pushing a shopping trolley without a girl like me?

Dont mention it
A little girl was going to a party and her mother told her to be a good girl and to remember, when she was leaving, to thank her hostess. When she arrived home, the mother asked her if she thanked her hostess and the little girl replied: No, the girl in front of me did and the lady said Dont mention it so I didnt.

Three turtles
Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said, "oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"

Landlady

Money, money

When I lived in lodgings my landlady kept some animals in the yard at the back of the house. The first day I was there, one of the chickens died, so we had chicken soup. The next day, the pig died, so I was offered pork chops. The following day, the duck died, so we had roast duck with apple sauce. The next day my landladys husband died so I left.

Ronald: 'All my wife says to me is 'Money, money.' She is always asking me for money.' Richard: 'Why does she need so much? What does she spend it on?' Ronald: 'I've no idea. I never give her any.'

She's just flown

'Doctor, I'm worried about my wife. She thinks she is a bird.' 'Well, you had better bring her in to see me.' I can't. She's just flown south for winter.'

Unbelievable

Two fleas

An inebriate was watching an old and ugly woman enter a revolving door. As the door swung around, a pretty girl stepped out. Unbelievable, he muttered.

20 pounds
The wife wanted to do some shopping during the day, so at breakfast she asked her husband for 20 pounds. Money, money, money! he shouted. Every day of the week you want more money. If you ask me, I think you need brains more than you need money. Perhaps so, his wife agreed, but I asked you for what I thought you had the most of.

Exaggeration
Father to small boy: How many millions of times have I told you not to exaggerate?

spend the afternoon with the three small, energetic children. When mother returned, father handed her this: Dried tears-9 times Tied shoes-13 times Served water-18 times Toy balloons purchased-3 for each child Average life of balloon-exactly 12 seconds Cautioned children not to cross street21 times Children insisted on crossing street-21 times Number of Saturday father will do this again-0

Patient: Doctor, is there anything wrong with me? Dont frighten me half to death by giving it a scientific name. Just tell me in plain English. Doctor: Well, to be perfectly frank, youre just plain lazy. Patient: Thank you, Doctor. Now please give me the scientific name for it so I can tell the family.

Youre excellent

Heaven
Johnny gazed at his one-day-old brother who was yelling at the top of his voice. Did he come from heaven? Johnny asked his mother. Yes, dear, she replied. Well, Johnny mused, I can see why they put him out.

How else?

I admire you very much, you never criticize; you cover my mistakes with so many little lies. In all my thoughts we both agree. I really think youre excellent, because youre me.

Intelligence
Father: Im just conceited enough to think that our son gets his intelligence from me. Mother: Well, he must. Ive still got mine.

Son: Pop, whats the capital of Uruguay? Father: I dont know son. Son: Where was George Washington born? Father: I dont know. Son: Whats a polygon? Father: I dont know. Mother: Dont bother your father. Father: Let him ask questions. How else is he going to learn?

Snail
One row cold morning in January, a snail started to climb a trunk of a cherry tree. As he inched painfully upward, a wise guy beetle stuck his head out of a nearby crack and called, Hey, buddy, you are wasting your time; there arent any cherries up there, The snail scarcely paused as he replied, There will be by the time I get there.

Spring cleaning
Could I have a day off, sir, to help my wife with the spring cleaning? No, Im afraid not - Thank you, sir. I knew I could rely on you.

Hobby

Eight eggs

Little boy: I et four eggs for breakfast this morning. Big sister: You mean ate. Little boy: Maybe youre right. Maybe I et eight eggs for breakfast this morning.

Lost

The estate agent spent all day Sunday showing a couple through model homes. And this, he said at the tenth home he had shown, has a hobby room. Do you have any hobbies? Yes, replied the woman, looking through model homes on Sundays.

Letter
Dobb: Whats that piece of cord tied around your finger for? Botham: My wife put it there to remind me to mail her letter. Dobb: And did you mail it? Botham: No. She forgot to give it to me!

Little girl to policeman: Please, sir, will you take my little brother home? Hes lost. Policeman: Why cant you take him home? Girl: Because Im lost too.

Ballet
A little boy who went to the ballet for the first time with his father was amazed to see all the girls dancing on their toes. Finally, he turned to his father and asked, Why dont they just get taller girls, Dad?

Asleep
Why is father singing to the baby so much tonight? He is trying to sing him to sleep. Well, if I was baby, Id pretend I was asleep.

Present

New dog

Father: Peter, how do you like school? Peter: I like school okay, but not the teacher. Father: Dont like the teacher? Why not, son? Peter: Because she told me to sit in the front seat for the present, and then she didnt give me the present!

Smoking

What a funny nose

Mother: Its rude to whisper, Humphrey. Humphrey (aged five): Well, I was saying what a funny nose that mans got. It would have been much ruder if Id said it aloud.

'Yes,' one man said to another. 'I've read so much about smoking causing various illnesses that I've decided to give up reading!'

Fred: Weve got a new dog. Would you like to come and play with him? Tom: Ive heard him barking and growling. He sounds very fierce and unfriendly. Does he bite? Fred: Thats what I want to find out.

Lovely bulldog
Thats a lovely bulldog youve got there. No, its not a bulldog it was chasing a cat and ran into a wall.

Pizza
Waitress: How would you like your pizza sliced - six or eight pieces? Customer: Six, please - I couldnt possibly eat eight!

Mackintosh

Other pair

Dad: You brought me the wrong boots, son. Cant you see that one of them is black and the other brown? Son: Yes, dad, but your other pair is just the same.

Parrot

Statistician
Mother wanted to spend Saturday afternoon shopping, and father-a statisticianreluctantly agreed to abandon his golf and

A man bought himself a parrot and to induce him to talk kept repeating, Hello, hello, to the bird. Finally, the parrot opened one sleepy eye and commented, Whats the matter? Line busy?

Lazy

McPherson was strolling down the street when he noticed what he thought was the familiar figure of a friend. Quickening his steps, he came up to the man and slapped him on the back. To his amazement, he then saw he had greeted an utter stranger. Oh, I beg your pardon, he said apologetically. I thought you were an old friend of mine, Mackintosh by name. The stranger recovered his wind and replied with considerable heat, And

supposing I were Mackintosh-do you have to hit me so hard? What do you care, retorted McPherson, how hard I hit Mackintosh?

Bill

Helen: When was your son born? Mary: In March-he came the first of the month. Helen: Is that why you call him Bill?

Came back
I dont like to bring this up, said the doctor hesitantly, but that cheque of yours came back. I dont like to mention this, either, doc, said the patient, but so did my disease.

Striped crocodiles

Doctor, doctor! Im terribly worried. I keep seeing pink striped crocodiles every time I try to get to sleep. Have you seen a psychiatrist? No only pink striped crocodiles.

Maternity hospital
Voice on the phone: Hello? Is that the maternity hospital? Receptionist: Yes. Voice on the phone: Can you send an ambulance round, the wife is about to have a baby. Receptionist: Is this her first baby? Voice on the phone: No. This is her husband.

An American lawyer invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him in his mountain cabin. Early in the morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they were picking blueberries, along came two big Bears - a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears, climbed a tree. His friend wasn't so lucky and the male bear caught him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer drove his car to town as fast has he could to get a policeman. The policeman took his gun and ran to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" said the lawyer, pointing to the male. The policeman looked at the bears, took careful aim with his gun, and SHOT THE FEMALE. "What did you do that for!" shouted the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!" "Exactly," answered the policeman. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?" (The check is in the mail.)

B: "Oh senor, I tell you I'm American. But OK, let's see... I was at my bruderin-laws house and the phone went 'green, green, I pinked it up and sed yellow!"

Penguins

A lorry driver is driving 200 penguins to London Zoo when his lorry breaks down on the motorway. The driver gets out of the cab and is looking at the engine when a second lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if he needs help. The penguins' driver explains that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asks if the other man would take the penguins there. He agrees. Some hours later, the 2nd lorry driver drives past the first one, who is still waiting on the motorway. The penguins are still on the lorry, and look happy. "I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo," shouted the first driver. The second replied, "I did, but I had some money left, so we're going to the cinema now."

Who am I?
One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of the test, the Prof asked all the students to put their pencils down and immediately hand in their tests. The young man kept writing furiously, although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10 minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor told him he would not take the test. The student asked, "Do you know who I am?" The Prof said, "No and I don't care. The student asked again, "Are you sure you don't know who I am?" The Prof again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests, placed his in the middle, and then threw the papers in the air. "Good" the student said, and walked out. He passed.

Monk

Chicken

Patient: Doctor! I keep thinking Im a chicken. Doctor: How long have you thought that? Patient: For about a year. Doctor: Why didnt you come and see me earlier? Patient: Because my wife said we needed the eggs.

Chinese traveler
Years ago a Chinese traveler, returning to his country after a journey in Europe, wrote this description of a piano: The Europeans keep a large four-legged animal which they can make to sing at will. A man, or frequently a woman, sits down in front of the animal and steps on its tail, at the same time striking its white teeth with his or her fingers, when the creature begins to sing. The singing, though much louder than a birds, is pleasant to listen to. The animal doesnt bite, nor does it move, though it is not tied.

A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk. The head monk said: "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years." The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?" "Food cold!, the man replied. Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?" "Robe dirty!", the man exclaimed. Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?" "I quit!" , said the man. "Well, the head monk replied, I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!"

The ugliest baby

American
A young man comes before the Customs agent. A: "State your citizenship." B: "American" (pronounced with a Spanish accent). A: "Hold on there, buddy. Say that again." B: "I said American." A: "I'm going to give you a test." B: "No, no senor, no need for test, I tell you Im American." A: "Yeah, sure buddy. OK, let's see, I've got it. Make a sentence with the following colors: green, pink and yellow."

Polishing shoes

During the American Civil War days a foreign minister to the United States was shocked when, on a call to the White House, he found President Lincoln shining his own shoes. He told the President that in his country it was not the custom of gentlemen to polish their own shoes. With his customary resourcefulness and nimble wit, President Lincoln replied, Then whose shoes do they polish.

The check

A woman got on a bus, holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

On the other hand

James was walking down the road one morning when he met his friend Danny. "Morning, Danny. Err ... Danny; you're wearing a glove on one hand and none on the other. Did you know?" "Yes, well I heard the weather forecast this morning, you see." "The Weather forecast?" "Yes, the weather forecast. The forecaster said on the one hand it might be fine but on the other hand there might be some rain."

Naughty parrot
A man got a parrot which could already talk. It had belonged to a sailor and had a big vocabulary. However, the man soon discovered that the parrot mostly know bad words. At first he thought it was funny, but then it became tiresome, and finally, when the man had important guests, the bird's bad words embarrassed him very much. As soon as the guests left, the man angrily shouted at the parrot, That language must stop!". But the bird answered him with curses. He shook the bird and shouted again, "Don't use those ugly words!" Again the bird cursed him. Now the man was really angry. He grabbed the parrot and threw him into the refrigerator. But it had no effect. From inside the refrigerator, the parrot was still swearing. He opened the door and took him out, and again the bird spoke in dirty words and curses. This time, the man opened the door of the freezer, threw the bird into it, and closed the door. This time there was silence. After two minutes, the man opened the door and removed the very cold parrot. Slowly the shivering parrot walked up the man's arm, sat on his shoulder and spoke into his ear, sounding very frightened: "I'll be good, I promise...Those chickens in there what did they say?"

A preacher was told by his doctor that he had only a few weeks left to live. He went home feeling very sad, and when his wife heard the sad news she said to him, "Honey, if there's anything I can do to make you happy, tell me." The preacher answered, "You know, dear, there's that box in the kitchen cabinet with what you always called "your little secret" in it and you said you never would want me to open it as long as you lived. Now that I'm about to go home to be with the Lord, why don't you show me what's in that secret box of yours?" The preacher's wife got out the box and opened the lid. It contained $100,000 and three eggs. "What are those eggs doing in the box?" the preacher asked. "Well, Honey," she replied, "every time your sermon was really bad I put an egg in the box." Now the preacher had been preaching for over forty years, and seeing only three eggs in that old shoe box, he started to feel very proud about himself and it warmed his soul. "And what about that $100.000?"" he asked. "Oh, you see," she whispered softly, "every time there were a dozen eggs in the box, I ..sold them."

Besides, Grasshopper, this is your neighborhood so you know where to go." The grasshopper said, "I don't mind going, but my hopping will shake up the beer and we'll get sprayed every time we open one." So they decided to send the centipede; and the grasshopper explained how to get to the nearest liquor store. An hour or so passed and still the centipede hadn't returned, so the snail and the grasshopper decided to go look for him. They got as far as the front door and found the centipede sitting there putting on his shoes.

Panda

Shoemaker

A panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders the special and eats it. After eating, he pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter and starts to walk out the door. The owner of the restaurant says, "Hey, what are you doing? You come in here, you kill my waiter and walk away without saying a word. I don't understand." The panda says, "Look it up in the dictionary," and walks out the door. So the owner gets out a dictionary and looks under the heading "Panda". It reads: panda black and white animal; lives in central China; eats shoots and leaves.

Three rich brothers

Three rich brothers each wanted to do something special for their elderly mother on Mother's Day. The first brother bought her a huge house. The second brother gave her a limousine, with a driver. The third brother remembered that his mother used to love to read the Bible, but couldn't see well anymore, so he got her a specially trained parrot that could recite any verse from the Bible on demand. Soon, the brothers received thank-you notes from their mother. The first son's note said, "The house you bought me is much too big! I only live in a small part of it, but I have to clean the whole thing!" The second son got a note that said, "I rarely leave the house anymore, so I hardly use the limo you gave me. And when I do use it, the driver is so rude!" The third son's note said, "My darling baby boy, you know just what your mother loves! The chicken was delicious!"

A man goes out of prison after twenty years. He decides to go back to the neighborhood where he lived. When he gets there he cannot recognize the place. Everything has changed a lot. The places he used to visit have all disappeared. Even the pub has disappeared. He is very tired and would like to have something to eat. He goes into a small caf and has a coffee and a sandwich. When he takes out his wallet he finds a shoemaker ticket in it. He then remembers that the last thing he had done before being arrested was to take a pair of shoes to the shoemaker's. He decides to go there and try. What a wonderful thing! The shoemaker is still at the same place. He gets into the shop and tells the shoemaker that about twenty years before he had left him a pair of shoes to have them repaired. The shoemaker has a look at the ticket and says: "O.K. Come back tomorrow. They will be ready then." Some things never change.

Lost watch

One night a man came upon a boy looking for something under a streetlight. The man asked the boy what he had lost. The boy said that he had lost his watch. Since it was obviously not there, the man asked the boy if he was sure that he had lost his watch in that spot. The boy said that he had lost the watch at another place, farther down the street. The man then asked the boy why he was looking for the watch under the streetlight. The boy replied, "Well, sir, the light is much better here."

Grandfather clock

A man was carrying a grandfather clock through the streets of the city. He was obviously doing it with a lot of difficulty. Finally, another man came up to him and asked, "Pardon me, it's none of my business, but don't you think a wristwatch would be far simpler?"

Different answers

The centipede
One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper, the snail, and the centipede were sitting around the grasshopper's house drinking beer. They ran out of beer before they were ready to quit drinking, so they decided one of them should go out for more beer. The snail said, "I'd go, but I'm kind of slow.

As I was walking along a street in a small town a man came up to me and asked, "What time is it? I looked at my watch and answered, "It's five o'clock." "I must be going crazy," said the man. "All day long I keep getting different answers."

Broken

The preacher

The policeman rang the doorbell, not knowing quite how he was going to break the news. The door opened and a woman stood there gazing anxiously into the policeman's eyes. "I'm sorry to tell you this, but your husband's new watch is

broken." "Broken?" she said. "How did it happen?" The policeman replied, "A piano fell on him"

Eight and eight

There once was a very large lady in our town. She wore a dress size 16. I knew her when she was young, but she had a much smaller size. Why do you think she is now wearing a size 16? I guess she just 8 + 8 (ate and ate).

There is a California dude going through a desert. He's wearing shorts, sunglasses, a towel and listening to music on his walkman. He's having a good time. Suddenly he sees a caravan approaching. He stops the Arabs and asks them cheerfully: "Hey dudes how far the sea is?" They look at each other and say: "Two thousand miles!" And he says: "Wow what a cool beach!!!" New ideas Company director to board chairman: If any new ideas come up while I am out of the meeting for a brief telephone call, my vote is No. Shadow My boss is so unpopular even his own shadow refuses to follow him. Vegetarians If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? Driveway Why do we park our car in the driveway and drive our car on the parkway? Out to Lunch A man entered a crowded restaurant and found a seat in the corner. A waitress handed him a menu and left to take care of other customers who were in a hurry. After a long interval the waitress suddenly remembered the man in the corner and hurried over to take his order. He was gone, but propped up against his empty water glass was this sign, scrawled on a piece of note paper: Out to Lunch. The blind carpenter Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw? Deaf shepherd Did you hear about the deaf shepherd who gathered his flock and heard? Piano Wife Doctor; doctor, my husband's broken his leg, Doctor - But madam, I'm a doctor of music. Wife - That's all right, it was the piano that fell on him! Nuisance Boastful angler -I once had a three hour fight with a salmon. Bored friend -Yes, tin openers can be a nuisance at times. Gold

Teacher -What happens to gold when it is exposed to the air? Smiffy -It's stolen! Dentist Smiffy -I went to the dentist yesterday. Toots -Does your tooth still hurt? Smiffy I don't know. The dentist kept it. Neither do I Danny -What has ten legs, a yellow back, a green eye and a long, homed tail? Cuthbert -I don't know. Danny -Neither do I, but I've just seen one swimming in your soup! Calendar Speaker -How long have I been speaking? I haven't got a watch with me. Danny -There's a calendar behind you. Punch Headmaster (to boy who has been fighting) -You should be ashamed of yourself. You shouldn't hurt a hair of your friend's head. Boy - I didn't. I punched him on the nose. Sports car Lawyer -So you want me to defend you? Have you any money? The accused -No, but I have a sports car. Lawyer -Well, you can raise some money on that. Now, what are you accused of stealing? The accused -A sports car. Broke What does a frog with no money say? Broke!Broke! Date Smiffy -What is the date? Toots -I dunno. Why don't you look at that newspaper that's on the table. Smiffy -Oh, that's no use -it's yesterday's. Rhinoceros Teacher (after a lesson about a rhinoceros) -Now, tell me something that has a big horn and is very dangerous? Smiffy -A motor car. Pickpocket Mac -Can I see that new device of yours for preventing the theft of a watch? Jock -I cant show you it, it was stolen from me yesterday by a pickpocket.

Cousin Jack

I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack! All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.

Speaking dog
Two friends meet and one of them says: Ive taught my dog how to speak English!" "That's impossible", says the other man. Dogs don't speak!" "It's true! I'll show you." He turns to his dog, "How's the situation in England?" The dog answers: "Rough, rough."

Tense

One day an English grammar teacher was looking ill. A student asked, "What's the matter?" "Tense," answered the teacher, describing how he felt. The student paused, then continued, "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter... ?"

The weather report

Teacher: Rumiko, be careful your purse is open. Someone might take your money! Rumiko: Oh, no. I left it open so I can get more money. Teacher: How can you get more money? Rumiko: The weather report said we would have some change in our weather!

I love you too!

Boyfriend: What is your favorite music group? Girlfriend: I love U2! Boyfriend: I love you too, but what is your favorite music group? New cemetery I hear this new cemetery is very popular. People are just dying to get in. New job A: How do you like your new job at the cemetery? B: I quit after a week. I found the work too frustrating. A: What happened? B: No matter what I said to the customers, they were always dead right! Big elephants If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases? What a cool beach!

Nice face Mother- What? You've been fighting with Billy Biggs? I thought he was a peaceable child. He had such a nice face, too. Freddie -Well, he hasn't now. Beekeeper Tourist -Hey! One of your bees stung me. What are you going to do about it? Beekeeper -Sorry. Just tell me which one did it, and I'll punish him. Shame Librarian -Please be quiet, Tim. Those people beside you cant read! Tim -They should be ashamed of themselves! I've been able to read since I was six! Reading Mother -Dennis, what are you reading? Dennis -I don't know, Mum. Mother -But you were reading aloud. Dennis -I know, but I wasn't listening. Birthday Mc Graw -How old is old Archie? Mc Gill I dunno, but everybody was overcome by the heat from his candles at his last birthday party. Football Frankie -Please, Mrs. Smart, is Bobby coming out to play? Mrs. Smart -No, Frankie, it's too wet. Frankie -Well, is his football coming out, then? Subtraction Judge -You are sentenced to ten years' imprisonment. Have you anything to add? Prisoner -No, but I'd like to subtract. History Smiffy -I wish I'd lived at the very beginning of the world. Toots -Why? Smiffy -Because I wouldn't have had to learn history . Letter Mum -What are you doing, Tommy? Tommy Im writing a letter to my sister. Mum -Don't, be silly, you can't write. Tommy -That doesn't matter, she cant read. Sausage Patient -Doctor, my family think I'm a little odd. Doctor -Why? Patient -Because I like sausages. Doctor -Nonsense. I like sausages too. Patient -You do? You must come round to see my collection. I have hundreds. Help

Auntie -Do you ever help your little brother Andrew? Andrew -Yes, Auntie, I helped him to spend the five pounds you gave him yesterday! Manager The new bank clerk's hobby is climbing trees. He must want to be a branch manager! The Invisible Man Knock, knock ! Who's there? The Invisible Man. Tell him I cant see him at the moment! Sudden storm Captain - Let's find out just how much you know about a boat. What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard? Danny - Throw out the anchor. Captain - What would you do if another storm sprang up aft? Danny - Throw out another anchor. Captain - And if another storm sprang up forward, what would you do? Danny - Throw out another anchor. Captain - Hold on. Where are you getting all your anchors from? Danny -From the same place you 're getting your storms. Teaching Gamekeeper -Don't you know you're not allowed to fish here? Sandy -I'm not fishing. I'm teaching a worm to swim! Detective Waiter -How did you find your steak? Diner -Easy. I'm a detective! Leading Tim -My Dad's got a leading position in a circus! Tom -Gosh! What does he do? Tim -He leads the elephants! Population Teacher (in a Glasgow school) -Do you know the population of Glasgow? Jimmy -Not all of them. I've only been here a week! Lift boy Freddie -My brother has taken up French, Italian, Spanish and Greek. Old man -Goodness! What does he do? Freddie -He's a lift boy. Talkative

Teacher -Dennis, what do we call a person who is very talkative, yet uninteresting? Dennis -A teacher. No bottom An absent-minded professor went into a shop to buy a jar. Seeing one upside down, he said, '' How stupid, this jar has no mouth! '' Turning it over, he was more astonished. ''Why, there's no bottom in it, either! '' Little patient Patient -Doctor, doctor, I think I'm shrinking! Doctor -Well, you'll just have to be a little patient. Nationality When did the Scottish potato change its nationality? When it became a French fry! See you! Two flies were on Robinson Crusoe's head. ''Goodbye for now, said one. Ill see you on Friday! Miracle Angler - Is this stream private? Passer-by - No, sir. Angler - Then it won't be a crime if I land any fish? Passer-by - No, it'll be a miracle. Golden Customer -You said this parrot was worth its weight in gold and yet it won't talk! Pet shop owner -Well, silence is golden, isn't it? Horseshoe Bobby -I found a horseshoe this morning. Mother -Do you know what that means? Bobby -Yes, it means that some horse is running around in his bare feet. The biggest potato What's the biggest potato in the world? A hippopotatomus. Hearing aid Man -How much do I owe you for my new hearing aid? Shopkeeper -Forty pounds. Man -Did you say fifty pounds? Shopkeeper -No, sixty pounds. Glasses Doctor -You will only have to wear these glasses at your work. Patient -That's impossible.

Doctor -Why? Patient -I'm a boxer. Antique Owner of an old car -Someone has stolen my car. Friend -These antique collectors will stop at nothing. Wallpaper Shopper -Can I stick this wallpaper on myself? Shopkeeper -Yes, but it would look better on the wall. Brown Jones -What sort of fellow is Brown? Smith -Well, if ever you see two men speaking and one looks bored to death, the other is Brown. Four eggs Knock! Knock! Who's there? Four eggs. Four eggs, who? For example! Guilty Butcher -Have you tried our sausages, madam ? Customer -Yes, and found them guilty! Lion-tamer Visitor -You're a very small man to be a liontamer. Lion-tamer -Yes, but that's the secret of my success. The lions are waiting for me to grow bigger. Bean soup Diner -Waiter, what on earth is this in my bowl? Waiter -It's bean soup. Diner -I don't care what it's been, what is it now? Parachutes A parachute firm advertised -No one has ever complained of one of our parachutes not opening! Lunch break Clerk -My salary is so small, sir, that I can't afford lunch. Boss -Then from tomorrow we will cut out your lunch break. Patience Angler -You've been watching me for three hours. Why dont you try fishing yourself? Smiffy -No, I dont have the patience. Which one? Patient -I keep seeing double, doctor.

Doctor -Lie down on the couch then. Patient -Which one? Annoyed dog Visitor -What's wrong with that dog of yours? Every time I take a drink of water he growls. Tommy -Oh, he won't bother you. He's just annoyed because you're drinking out of his cup. Competition Prison visitor -And what brought you here? Prisoner -Competition. Prison visitor -Competition? Prisoner -Yes, I made the same kind of banknotes as the Government. Occupation Doctor -What you need is a change of occupation. Your present job seems to be making you unhappy. What do you do ? Patient -I'm a joke writer First-class Diner -Is this a first-class restaurant? Waiter -Yes, but we don't mind serving you! Rheumatism Tourist -Is this part of the country good for rheumatism ? Old man -Yes! I got mine here. Wood pigeon Customer -What kind of bird is this, waiter? Waiter -It's a wood pigeon, sir. Customer -I thought so -would you bring me a saw? How far? Miss Screecher -I'm going away to study singing. Neighbor -Good! How far away? Popular Old lady (at concert) -Is that a popular song he's singing? Old man -It was before he sang it! Which one? Auntie -If your mother gave you a large apple and a small apple and told you to give one to your brother, would you give him? Nephew -Do you mean my big brother or my small brother? Fairy-tale Patient Doctor, doctor, I swallowed a fairy-tale book yesterday.

Doctor -Sit down and tell me the whole story. Dog family Teacher -Name four members of the dog family, Joe. Joe -There's Mummy dog, Daddy dog, Sister dog and Brother dog! Four Uncle Why are they looking so worried about, Jack? Young Nephew -Well, yesterday my teacher said two and two are four, and today Dad said one and three are four, and I don 't know which to believe Promise Hotel manager -Rooms overlooking the sea cost 5 Dollars extra. Miser -How much does it cost if I promise not to look? A black eye Teacher If you had twelve sweets, and Johnny took half, what would he have? Tiffany -A black eye ! On fire Fireman -Hey! Come on! Can't you see your house is on fire? Patient -Can't help it. The doctor told me not to leave my bed for two days. Early rise Youth -Shall I have a chance of an early rise in this job? Boss -Most certainly! Six o'clock every morning. Not one Boss -I want a man who is clever, hardworking and punctual. Lazy Larry -You dont want one man, you want three. How much? Teacher - If you had two pounds and you asked your dad for another two pounds, how much money would you have ? Johnny -Er ...two pounds, sir. Always right Boss -What do you mean by arguing with that customer? Dont you know our rule? The customer is always right. Assistant - I know. But he was insisting that he was wrong. Bring it back Flying instructor If anything goes wrong, leap out of the plane and pull the cord of the parachute. Cadet -Supposing the parachute doesn't open?

Flying instructor -Bring it back and I'll give you another. Correction Pupil -I can't read this correction of yours, sir. Teacher -It says, ''You must write more clearly!' Peacemaker Jack -Please, sir, I stopped a fight. Teacher -That's right, always be a peacemaker. How did you stop them? Jack -I punched them both. Boat Novice (hiring boat) -I've no watch so I hope I shall know when my hour is up. Boatman -Oh, yes, you know by the water. The boat fills up to the seat in about an hour and a half. Too fast Farmer -Did you count the pigs this morning, Paddy? Paddy -I counted nineteen, but one ran so fast that I couldn't count him at all. Slow - motion Patient -How much is it to have a tooth -extracted? Dentist -Thirty pounds. Patient -What! For three seconds' work? Dentist -All right, I'll take it out in slow -motion. I forgot Mother -Why are you jumping up and down, Minnie? Minnie -It's all right, Mother. I forgot to shake my medicine before I took it, so I'm doing it now. A pound coin Willie -I lost a pound coin this morning, Tim. Tim -Hole in your pocket? Willie -No, the man who dropped it heard it fall. Funeral Old man (entering office) -There is a boy, John McNab, working here. May I see him? I'm his grandfather Clerk- You're just too late, sir. He's gone to your funeral. Woodpecker Bore -Yes, I'm very fond of birds. Yesterday one actually settled on my head. Fed-up listener -It must have been a woodpecker. It isn't enough

Gentleman -Now, what ought you to say to a gentleman who gives you fifty pence for carrying his bag? Tim -It isn't enough these days. Next race Defeated jockey -Well, anyhow, I wasn't last. There were two horses behind me. Disgusted owner -Rats! Those were the first two in the next race. Pet cat Fireman -At one fire, I saved ten lives. Smith -And who were they? Fireman -A child and her pet cat. Appetite Auntie -Why are you eating those cakes so quickly, Smiffy? Smiffy - Im afraid that I will lose my appetite before Im finished. Gladiator Teacher -Give me a sentence with the word ''gladiator''. Pupil -The lion pounced on the woman and was glad he ate her. Attention Employer -Did you put that note where it would attract Mr. Smith's attention? Office boy -Yes, I stuck a pin through it and put it on his chair. Back to school Dentist -Don't cry. The tooth is out. Harold -I know. I'll have to go back to school now. Bike Dick -Dad, would you like to save money? Dad -Yes, of course. Dick -Then buy me a bike, and I'll not wear out so many pairs of shoes. A wish Tom -lf you had a wish, what would you wish? John -lf I had a wish, I'd wish that I'd get every wish I wished! Nearest way Man Can you tell me the nearest way to the hospital? Little boy I don't know, sir but if you step in front of that car you'll get there soon enough. Stomachache Jack -When people's teeth ache they have them filled, don't they? Mother -Yes. Jack -Well, my stomach aches. Could I go along to the sweet shop and get it filled?

Black cats Jimmy -Oh, Dad, there's a big black cat in the kitchen. Dad -Oh, never mind. Black cats are lucky. Jimmy -Yes, this one was. It's just eaten the fish for your supper. Motor car Billy (doing crossword puzzle) -Give me the name of a motor car that starts with ''T''. Friend -Don't be an ass. You know they all start with petrol. Sprint Dennis -Say, Bill, can you sprint very fast? Billy -Can I? Why, yesterday l ran around a half-mile track so fast that my shadow was just starting out when I got back. Two stations before First passenger -Pardon me, does this train stop at Paddington ? Second passenger -Yes, watch me, and get off two stations before I do. How do you find? Landlady -Good morning ! How do you find yourself? Lodger -I didn't know I was lost. Undertaker Tradesman (loftily) -In twenty years of business, no customer has ever complained of my work. Neighbor -Wonderful! What are you? Tradesman -An undertaker: What steps? Old lady (at the zoo) -Mr. Keeper, if one of the lions escaped what steps would you take? Keeper -The biggest I could! Too late! Lady -The watch I told you about wasn't stolen. I've just found it. Detective - Too late! We've arrested the thief. Frozen Arctic explorer -It was so cold where we were that the candle froze and we couldn't blow it out. Second explorer -That's nothing! Where we were the words came out of our mouths in pieces of ice, and we had to fry them to see what we were talking about. How soon?

Employer -If anyone asks for me, I'll be back in half an hour. New office junior -Yes, sir, and how soon will you be back if no one asks for you? Gas-pipe Man (on the telephone) -Hello, gasman, come at once! There's an awful leak in our gaspipe! Gasman -Have you done anything to it? Man -Yes, I put a bucket under it. Whale Teacher -To what family does the whale belong? Smiffy -Don't know, sir. No family in our neighborhood owns a whale. Raise Customer -How much are these chickens? Farmer -Three pounds. Customer -Did you raise them yourself? Farmer -Yes; they were two pounds fifty pence yesterday . There wasn't any Artist (showing a blank canvas) -Look at that picture of a cow eating grass. Friend -Where's the grass? Artist -The cow's eaten it. Friend -Well, where's the cow? Artist -Oh, it went away when it saw there wasn't any more grass to eat. Marbles Teacher -Now, Bobby, if six eggs cost sixty pence, how many would you get for twenty pence? Bobby -None. Teacher -What? Why would you get none? Bobby -Because I'd buy marbles, miss. Damp climate Teacher -What are raised in damp climates? Schoolboy -Umbrellas, sir. Advertising First jeweler -I have had it proved to me that advertising brings results. Second jeweler -How ? First Jeweler -Yesterday, I advertised for a night watchman, and during the night my shop was burgled. So cool Listener -Did you keep cool when confronted by the bear? Explorer Rather, I was so cool that my teeth chattered. Taste much better Auntie -Why don't you eat your sweets, Jimmy?

Jimmy -I'm waiting for Jack Smith to come along. Sweets taste much better if there's another boy looking on. Salmon Angler -Have you any salmon? Village storekeeper -No, but I have some excellent pork pies. Angler -Don't be an ass! How could a fellow go home and say he's caught a couple of pork pies? The best time Teacher -When is the best time to gather fruit? Roger -Please, sir, when the dog is tied up. Who was to blame? Motorist -I had the right of way when this man ran into me and yet you say I was to blame. Constable -You certainly were. Motorist -Why? Constable -Because his brother is the Lord Mayor; his father is chief of police, and I'm engaged to his sister Sir Teacher (to new boy) -What's your name, my little fellow? New boy -Jimmy Brown. Teacher -Always say ''sir'' when you are speaking to a teacher. Now, what's your name? New boy -Sir Jimmy Brown. Cake I wonder if there is any kind of cake you dont like ? Wee Jock -Yes, stomachache! On page 121 History teacher -Where did King William die? Pupil -On page 121 sir. Brave boy Boy (with pal at dentist's) -Please, I want a tooth out, and I don't want an anesthetic, because I'm in a hurry. Dentist -That's a brave boy. Which tooth is it? Boy -Show him your tooth, Albert. Revenge Binks -I am sorry my hen got out and scraped up your garden. Jinks -That's all right. My dog ate your hen. Binks -That's all right, too. I've just run over your dog. It works

Uncle -Were you pleased with the drum I sent you for your birthday? Nephew -Yes, very much, Uncle. Mother gives me five pounds every week not to use it. Good news Small brother -The skateboard you left under the park seat yesterday has been found. Big brother -Good news! Who has it? Small brother -I don't know, but it's been found. I looked, and it isn't there now. Real donkey Auntie -Well, how did you enjoy the ride on Uncle's shoulders? Minnie -Oh, it was quite nice, but I had a ride on a yesterday. Disappearance Manager -I'm afraid that fellow I gave a job to last week is dishonest. Assistant -You shouldn't judge by appearances. Manager -I'm not, I'm judging by disappearances. Unlucky Jones -I have been born unlucky. Friend -Why? Jones -Well, I was at a football match, and there were twenty-two players and a referee on the field, about ten thousand spectators in the ground, and the ball hit me. Familiar Jackson -I think we met in this restaurant last month. Your coat seems familiar to me. Johnson -But I didn't have this overcoat last month. Jackson -No, but I did. Fried egg Friend -I could eat that fried egg, it looks so real. Artist -Fried egg! That's a sunset I've painted. Don't worry Water, waiter, there's a fly in this soup! Don't worry, sir. It won't drink much! Broken ladder Boy (to neighbor) -Father's sent me back with your ladder. He's broken it, and he hopes you'll have it mended quickly because he wants to borrow it again next week. Remember Father -Why were you kept in at school?

Jimmy I didn't know where the Nile was. Father (angrily ) -In future, you must remember where you put things. No need to hurry Hotel manager -Are you the gentleman who wanted to be awakened to catch the early train? Hotel guest -Yes. Hotel manager -Then you can go back to sleep, you've missed it. Return ticket McTavish (victim of shipwreck) -Well, it might have been worse. McTaggart (also a victim) -Yes, we might have bought a return ticket. Brotherly love Teacher -if I saw a boy beating a donkey, and I stopped him, what virtue should I be showing ? Plug -Brotherly love, sir Bring another Diner -Waiter, this soup isn't fit for a pig. Waiter - Sorry, sir, Ill take it away and bring some that is. Replacement Customer Didnt you claim when you sold me this car that you'd replace anything that was broken or was missing? Car salesman -Yes, sir. What is it? Customer -Well, I want four front teeth and a collar bone! Scars Barber -Have I shaved you before? Customer -No. I got these scars in the war. Present Bloggs -You should think of the future. Noggs -I can't. It's my wife's birthday, and Im thinking of the present. Zoo imitation Singer -I'm afraid I wasn't singing very well tonight. Wireless announcer -Oh, that's all right. You were announced as zoo imitations. Its here Stranger -Boy, where does this road go to? Dimwit -I don't think it goes anywhere. It's here every morning. Turtle soup Gent -Waiter I've been waiting half an hour for my turtle soup! Waiter -Well, sir; you know how slow turtles are! How many?

Circus manager -What's the matter with your hand? New lion tamer -I put it in the lions mouth to see how many teeth he had, am he shut it to see how many fingers I had. Superstitious Terry -Are you superstitious ? Jerry -Not at all. Terry -Well, lend me thirteen pounds. Like a horse Artist -I've been working like a horse all day. Friend -How? Artist -I've been drawing a cart! Mash them Teacher -If I had ten potatoes to share equally among four boys, how would I do it? Sidney -Mash them, sir. Bridge Train guard -Keep your head inside the window there. Passenger -Why? Train guard -Because we don't want any of our bridges damaged. Mistake Teacher -Aren't you sorry you hit Timmy under the chin? Im sure it was a mistake. Jimmy -Yes, miss; I meant to bash him on the nose. Missed Angry man -I'll teach you to hit our cat with stones! Tommy -I wish you would sir. Ive had ten shots, and missed each time. Boots Briggs -Did you tell Jiggs that I had the biggest feet you had ever seen ? Griggs -No, I just said that if you took off your boots you would be halfundressed. Stranger Small boy -Is that the sun or the moon up there? Dimwit -Sorry, I don't know. Im a stranger to this place. Youd better Villager -Are you painting those trees, sir? Artist -I am; but it's no business of yours. Get on with your work instead of interrupting mine.

Villager -Well, my work is to chop them down. So you'd better hurry up with your painting. Referee Boss (finding office boy watching football match) -So this is your uncle's funeral, Tommy? Tommy (after some quick thinking) Looks like it, sir. He's the referee. How terrible! Boastful explorer -And there we stood the tiger and myself in the thick of the jungle, face to face! Listener -How terrible it must have been for both of you! Extravagant Green -You're getting extravagant. Why did you tip the waiter five pounds? Brown -Hush, man! He gave me ten pounds too much in change. Charge Bald man (in barber's chair) -Don't you think I should get some reduction? There's very little hair to cut. Barber -Oh no, in your case we dont charge for cutting your hair: We charge for having to search for it. Lecture Professor Crumb -What struck you most at my lecture last night? Professor Noodle -A bad egg that was meant for you. What else? Professor (to student) -What are you laughing at? Me? Student -Oh, no, sir! Professor (absently) -Then what else is there in this room to laugh at? Our kettle Mother -I'll teach you to tie a kettle to the cat's tail! Small boy -it wasn't our cat. Mother -No, but it was our kettle. Late again Boss (as Jenkins comes in half an hour late) -Late again! Jenkins -So am I! Fortune-teller Diner -Waiter, there's a fly at the bottom of my cup. What does it mean? Waiter -Sorry, sir. Im a waiter, not a fortune-teller. Long wait Grocer -What was that woman complaining about? Assistant -Because she had a long wait. Grocer -Humph ! Some people are never pleased. She was complaining about the short weight yesterday.

Quiet Mother -I am glad you are keeping quiet boys, while Dad's having his nap. Bill- Yes, Mum, we're watching his cigar burn down to his fingers. Fine for rats Customer -You said that this dog was fine for rats. Why, it won't even go near them! Shopkeeper -Well, that's fine for the rats, isn't it? Zebra Teacher -What is a zebra? Bobby -A donkey wearing a football jersey. Train Passenger -Do I take this train to Leeds? Guard -No. Get in, and it will take you. Any change? Bill -So you've got back from your holiday. Any change? Jim -Not a penny. My shoes Dennis -What would you do if you were in my shoes? Walter -Clean them. Saxophone Jones -I thought you hated the saxophone? Bones -I do. Jones -Then why did you buy your son one? Bones -Because I hate the neighbors more. Standing Tourist (to policeman with extra large feet) -Can you tell me where Trafalgar Square is? Policeman -Yes, Im standing on it. Tourist -No wonder I couldn't find it. Advert Toots -Are you still looking for your dog? Smiffy -Yes. Toots -Why don't you put an advert in the paper? Smiffy -What's the use? The dog can't read! Old-fashioned Manager -Henry, you wear a very oldfashioned coat in the office. Henry -Yes, it is a bit out of date. I bought it the last time I got a rise. Punch Graham -Where is he? I'll punch his head. Gordon -I've just punched his head. Early Mike -Do you rise early? Millie -Early? If I rose much earlier I'd meet myself going to bed. Submarine Sailor -I joined the navy to see the world. Gentleman -Did you see it? Sailor -No, they put me in a submarine. New sailor

Captain (to new sailor) -Now what is the first thing you do when you fall into the sea? New sailor -Get wet. Present tense Teacher -Tommy, do you know the present tense of knew? Tommy -No, sir Teacher -Correct. Brakes Passenger (in taxi) -There's only one thing I worry about in a car, and that's the brakes. Taxi driver -Then you've nothing to worry about, sir, this car hasnt got any. Clock Agent -You want your office furniture insured against theft? Manager -Yes, all except the clock; everybody watches it. Goldfish Mother -Have you given the goldfish some fresh water this morning, Smiffy? Smiffy -No, Mum, they haven't drunk the water I gave them last week. Warm reception Billy -My father gets a warm reception wherever he goes. Tommy -He must be very popular Billy -No, it's not that. You see, he's a fireman. Watch Danny -Does your watch tell you the 'time? Smiffy -No; I have to look at it. Sudden stop Old man (to bricklayer) -Did your fall hurt you? Bricklayer -No, it was the sudden stop that was most painful. Sycamore Nature lover (gazing at tree) -Oh, great oak tree, if you could only speak, what would you say to me ? Gardener -if you please, sir; it would say it was a sycamore, not an oak. The weather John -Stop rubbing your hands like that. The weather isn't cold. Jim - Im not trying to warm the weather. Im trying to warm my hands. Bright boy Teacher -That boy of yours seems bright. He'll carve out a name for himself some day. Father -He's done it already -on our new piano! Famine Stout man -You look as if there's been a famine. Thin man -And you look as if youd caused it. Melon

A boastful American walked up to a British fruit seller's stall and picked up a large melon. ''Is that the largest apple you fellows can grow over here?'' he asked. ''Put that grape down!'' snapped the fruit seller. Lift Hotel guest -I tell you I won't have this room! Im not going to pay good money for such a small room. You think that just because I am from the country... Bellboy -Step in, sir. This isn't your room. It's the lift. Centimetre Teacher -Give me a sentence with the word ''centimetre'' in it. Wilfrid -My aunt arrived yesterday, and I was centimetre. Father Old man -Your father is entirely bald, isn't he, Jack? Jack -Yes, I am the only heir he has left. Dictionary Angry customer -I can't find words to express my feelings towards you. Smart assistant -That's all right, sr. We I sell dictionaries here. Spider Diner -Waiter, there's a fly in my soup. Waiter -Catch it yourself. Im not a spider. Dirty face Mother- Johnny, Auntie won't kiss you with a dirty face like that. Johnny -That's what I thought. Unconscious Lazy Len -I had a fall last night which rendered me unconscious for six hours. Weary Willie -Really! Where did you I fall? Lazy Len -I fell asleep. Idiot Boss -Now, my boy, are you boss of this business or not? Office boy -No, sir Boss -Then don't talk like an idiot! Steak Diner Waiter! This steak is only half the size of the one I had yesterday. Waiter -But you're not sitting beside the window today, sir. Parrot Terry -How is it you know all about the Smiths' private affairs? Jerry -We looked after their parrot during the summer holidays. Trousers Sergeant -What was all that noise you were making in the dormitory last night? Private -I was only dragging Brown's trousers about the room, sir.

Sergeant -Surely that wouldn't make all that noise? Private -But Brown was in them, sir. Stars Teacher (giving astronomy lesson) - Now, Bobby, give me the names of some stars. Bobby (brightly) -Football or film, sir? Tomorrow Diner -Do you see that waiter over there? They call him ''Tomorrow''. Friend -Why ? Diner -Because he never comes. You saw first Teacher (pointing to a sweet wrapper on the floor) Wilfrid, is this yours? Wilfrid -Not at all, sir. You saw it first. Underground Teacher- Tell me, Dennis, who first invented underground tunnels? Dennis -The worms, sir River Teacher -Now, Danny, do this subtraction mentally. Six of your friends went to the river, but two had been told not to go into the water. Now tell me how many bathed? Danny (promptly) Six, sir. Vacuum cleaner Mum -Goodness, Minnie, where's the canary? Minnie -I dunno, Mum. It was there when I started cleaning its cage with the vacuum cleaner. Cheer up Election candidate -Really, gentlemen. With all this uproar, I can hardly hear myself speak. Critic -Well, cheer up! You arent missing much! Position Uncle -Are you able to keep your position in class? Smiffy - Certainly! I started at the bottom, and no one has been able to take my place from me. Pure milk Customer -Are you sure your milk is pure? Milkman -Oh, yes. Every drop of water we put in is filtered. Luggage Roger -How much will it cost to take me and my luggage right to my door? Taxi driver Five pounds. The luggage goes for nothing. Roger -Right! Take my luggage and I'll walk. Lemonade Old man -What are you digging for Johnny? Johnny -Lemonade. Teacher says that minerals are found in the earth. Ten pound note Customer -Let me see. How much do you want for that dog? Dealer -Forty pounds.

Customer -I thought you said thirty yesterday? Dealer -Yes, but he swallowed a ten pound note last night. Death scene Actor -Did you see the audience cry when I played the death scene? Critic -Yes, they knew you weren't really dead. Dark clouds Fortune-teller -Do not worry, the dark clouds will soon roll by. Old gent -Look here, I want to know my fortune, not the weather forecast. Wake up! Theatre producer -Couldn't the villain shoot himself instead of taking poison? Writer -Why? Theatre producer -Well, the bang would wake the audience up. Rescue Diner -Hey, waiter, there's a fly in my soup. Waiter -Well, you don't want me to jump in and rescue it, do you? Wasp Teacher -Do you know, Billy, that a grasshopper is so strong that it can jump a hundred times its own length? Billy -Why, that's nothing. I once saw a wasp lift a twelve-stone man two feet into the air. Operation Visitor to hospital -Have you been under an operation? Patient -No, under a car The hardest work Roger -I always do my hardest work before breakfast. Dad -What's that? Roger -Getting up. Fraud Jones -Who was that man you just raised your hat to? Bones -Oh, that was my barber. He sold me a bottle of hair restorer a month ago, and whenever I meet him I let him see what a fraud he is. The mayor Smiffy's dad -Would you be good enough to look after my car, please? Mayor -Sir, Im the mayor of the town! Smiffy -That doesnt matter. You look honest enough. Asylum A passenger in an aero plane was far up in the sky when the pilot began to laugh hysterically. Passenger -What's the joke? Pilot -I'm thinking what they'll say at the asylum when they find out I have escaped! Any goals? Visitor -Do you ever score any goals? Local -Dunno. I've only watched them for two seasons.

Poetry Poet -So you think I ought to give up writing poetry? Editor -No, you ought to begin. Color-blind Mr. White -Excuse me, sir are you Mr. Green? Mr. Brown -No, sir I'm Mr. Brown. Mr. White -A thousand pardons! You see, I'm color-blind. Foreman Boss -Has the foreman told you what to do? New watchman -Yes; I've to wake him up when the boss comes. Potato Mr. Smith -Your son threw a potato at me. Mr. Jones -Did it hit you? Mr. Smith -No. Mr. Jones -Then it wasn't my son. Underwater Father -Well, Alfie, what were your endof-term marks like? Alfie -Underwater! Father -What do you mean? Alfie -Below ''C'' level! The donkey brays One day a friend visited Hodja and said "Hodja, I want to borrow your donkey." "I'm sorry," replied Hodja, "but I've already lent it to someone else." As soon as he said this, the donkey brayed. "But Hodja, I can hear the donkey! It's in the stable!" Shutting the door in his friend's face, Hodja told him with dignity, "A man who believes the word of a donkey above my word doesn't deserve to be lent anything!" Gruesome Teacher -Sidney, you give me a sentence using the word ''gruesome''. Sidney - Er, my mum's plants grew some in the past two weeks! Good cook Bill (at Scout camp) -Is Jack a good cook? Sam -I don 't think so. The last time I saw him he was trying to open an egg with a tin-opener! Hamburger Boy -Dad, I can't eat this hamburger. It's awful! Dad -Shall I call the waiter? Boy -No, I don't think even he'll be able to eat it! None of them Ian -When I'm grown up, everybody will be scared of me. Pa -What'll you be -a boxer or a wrestler? Ian - None of them. I'm going to be a dentist! Milkman Teacher -What comes before seven, boy?

Sidney -Er, the milkman! I could Teacher -Dennis! You can't sleep in my class. Dennis Please sir, if you didn't talk so loudly I could. Inseparable Jock -Hector and Hamish had a terrible row last night. Alec -I thought they were friends? Jock -That's right. It took six of us to separate them. The first rung Dennis -I fell off a sixty-foot ladder yesterday. Minnie -It's a wonder you weren't killed. Dennis -Not really. I fell off the first rung. The interrupted dream While taking a nap on the porch, one hot summer day, Hodja dreamed that a stranger promised to give him ten pieces of gold. The stranger placed them in Hodja's hand one by one until he reached the tenth piece, which he hesitated to give him. "Come on! What are you waiting for?" said Hodja. "You promised me ten!" Just then he woke up. He immediately looked at this hand and saw that it was empty. He quickly shut his eyes again, stretched out his hand and said, "All right, I'll settle for nine!" Late for school Smiffy (in bed) -Gosh! It's quarter to eight! If Mum doesn't wake me up soon I'll be late for school! Big fool Jock -Jamie's not such a big fool as he used to be. Alistair - Is he getting wise; then? Jock -No -thinner The rest Dad -How many sums did you have wrong in your arithmetic test? Smiffy -One. Dad -And how many did you have to do? Smiffy -Twelve. Dad -So you had eleven right? Smiffy -No, I didn't do the rest. Discount Judge -You've been up before this bench seven times. I fine you to 20 years. Prisoner -Can I get a discount for being a regular customer? Electricity Boss -Everything in this office is worked by electricity. Office boy -I know, sir. Even the wages give you a shock! Lost One day Hodja lost his donkey. While looking for it he was also rejoicing. When the people saw him they couldn't figure out why he was so happy. When they asked him the reason, Hodja told them, "I'm happy because I wasn't riding the donkey when it got lost. If I had been, I'd be lost now, too!" Bad luck Charlie -Helping Mr. McKay to look for a five pound note he'd lost.

Mum -Did you have any luck? Charlie No, he found it himself. Supper Mum -Well, what comes after T? Angus -Supper. Last poem Poet -What do you think of my last poem? Editor -Well, I'm glad to hear it's your last. Myself Butler -There's a man wanting to see you, sir. Absent-minded professor -Tell him Im not in. Butler -I told him, but he won't go away, sir. Absent-minded professor -Oh well, I'd better go and tell him myself! Court Judge -The next person who raises his voice in this court will be thrown out! Prisoner -Hip, hip, hooray! Postcard Slow waiter -How did you order your steak, sir? Weary customer -I ordered it by word of mouth, but I suppose I ought to have sent you a postcard two weeks in advance! Acrobats Showman -Two pounds to see the acrobats. Come along, sonny -only two pounds. Davie -I've only got one pound, mister -but if you let me in, I'll only open one eye. One glance Bill and Bert paid a visit to a court while a trial was in progress. Bert -I've no doubt about this case. One glance at that fellow over there tells me he's guilty. Bill -Sssh! That's the judge! Skunk What would you get if you crossed a gorilla with a skunk? I don't know what you would call it, but it'd have no trouble getting a seat on the bus! Favorite Teacher -What is your favorite subject Danny? Danny -Latin. Teacher -But you're not learning that. Danny -I know, that's why it's my favorite. Manager Diner -Look here, this will never do. That man over there has got much more to eat than me. Where's the manager? Waiter -That man is the manager. The wrong face Sergeant (in army camp ) -Why haven 't you shaved this morning?

Private -Well, there were eight of us using the same mirror; and I must have shaved the wrong face. What a long way Barney I was born in New York, but I went to school in Scotland. Jock -Gosh, what a long way you had to go every day! What hand? Terry - What hand do you stir your tea with? Jerry I stir mine with a spoon! Railways Speaker (after a very boring lecture) Now is there anybody who has a further question to ask about the railways of Great Britain? Angus -Yes. What time does your train leave? Boot Why can't a car play football? Because it's only got one boot! March! March! What date is a command to go forward? March 4th! The first thing Teacher -Sarah, what was the first thing King Richard did on coming to the throne? Sarah -He sat down! Sheep Tourist -How many sheep do you have here? Shepherd -I can't say exactly. Every time I start to count them, I fall asleep. Angry Teacher -I was very angry yesterday when I heard a boy snoring during my lesson. Pupil- Yes, so was I. The noise woke me up! Painted Jack -Would you please open the gate for me? Old man (opening the gate) -Yes, but why don't you open it yourself? Jack -Because it's just been painted! Marbles Mum -Quick, Garry, run for the doctor! Baby's swallowed one of your marbles! Garry -That's all right. I've got plenty more! Marvelous ear Applicant for a job in a music shop - I've a marvelous ear for music. I can pick up anything musical. Boss -All right. Help me shift this piano. Egyptian flu Did you hear about the pharaoh who had Egyptian flu? He caught it from his mummy'! A cup of coffee Bobby -Pa, does a cup of coffee do any harm? Pa - No, Bobby.

Bobby -That's lucky! I've just spilled one over your new suit. Policeman What do you get if you dial 666? A policeman standing on his hands! French Smith-Did you have much trouble with your French when you went to Paris? Adams -No, But the Parisians did! Twins Dan -My girlfriend's one of twins. Dave -How can you tell them apart? Dan -Her brother's got a beard! New house Where does a king go to buy a new house? Newcastle! First day at school Uncle -How did you like your first day at school, David? David -Oh, it wasn't bad, but there was a big man in front who kept spoiling all the fun. Thief Policeman -This man is charged with stealing an elephant, sir. Judge -Search him! Glasses Joe -Do your glasses magnify, Mum? Mum -Yes, Joe. Joe -Well, please take them off when you cut me my piece of tart. A bargain The Hodja always wanted to learn something new, and one day he had a sudden inspiration to learn how to play the lute. He approached a music teacher and asked him, "How much do you charge for private lute lessons?" "Three silver pieces for the first month; after that one silver piece a month." "Oh, great!" exclaimed Hodja. "Then I'll start with the second month." Seasons Teacher -How many seasons are there in the year? Sandy -Two, sir: football and basketball. Twenty times McDonald -I know a man who shaves more than twenty times a day. McDougall -Who? McDonald -A barber. Flies Why were the flies playing football on the saucer? Because they were playing for the cup! Get your coat on What did the big tooth say to the small tooth? ''Get your coat on, the dentist is taking us out!'' He forgot Sister -How did Mum find out you hadnt washed yourself? Brother -I forgot to wet the soap! Im glad Chris Im glad I wasn't born in France. Louise -Why? Chris - I don't speak French! Sweater

Farmer -Do you know it takes three sheep to make a sweater? City man -Goodness! I didn't even know sheep could knit! At nights Patient -I haven't slept for days! Doctor -What's the matter? Patient -Nothing. I sleep at nights! The noise One day his neighbors asked Hodja, "We heard some noises in your house last night and we wondered what was happening." Hodja told them, "My cloak fell down the stairs." They replied, "But Hodja, a cloak is just made out of cloth. It couldn't have made that much noise!" Hodja answered impatiently, "Well, I was in it!" Sun and moon Hodja entered the tea shop one day and proclaimed profoundly, "The moon is more useful than the sun." "Why, Hodja?" they inquired. "Because we need the light more during the night when it is dark than during the daytime when it is light!"