April 2012

What To Do This Month Event Quick Reference Useful Telephone Numbers Classified Ads Costambar Cable Channel Listing The Rainy Day Page And Lots Of Other Fun Stuff!!

Yennys Market Loase Resort/Sams Bar Catamaran Beach Bar Pascuals Sharkys Bar & Grill MarLous Restaurant Syls Place Biekes Bar

MIGRATION ANOMALY
Scientists studying the migration patterns of the North Coast Dominican Snowbird were pleased to see that, after a few years of unusual migratory behaviour, this year was back on track to more normal patterns. They had been worried that the species was becoming endangered and wondered if they could blame global warming for this too. But then scientists observed an anomaly in departure pattern of one specific snowbird. This particular species has been known for its regular, dependable arrival and departure every season and had previously never been cause for concern. For more on this anomaly see page 4.

Supermercado Tropical Big Lees Beach Bar El Jardin y Algo Mas Restaurant Chino The Meeting Place Maximillians Beach Bar Chris & Madys Ocean World Marina Los Tres Cocos

Costambar Monthly page 2

MarLous Restaurant has Karaoke on Saturdays from 9pm. Restaurant Chino has the best Chinese food on the North Coast! Eat in or take out. Two locations - on the Malecon in Puerto Plata and calle Principal in Cabarete. Syls Place has Happy Hour every day from 47pm. Fridays is her popular Fish & Chips/Onion Rings. Sundays is Everything Chili Day! Bowls, fries and dogs! Grande beer specials all Easter week! Chris & Madys has all your favourite sports including NFL and NHL! Try their seafood and lobster specials! Join them for Easter Sunday Dinner on April 8th from 6pm. The Meeting Place has started their summer hours - Monday to Friday 2pm-5:30pm. Keep checking their website for new activities throughout the season. April has a great line-up of movies! Why not visit Maximillians Beach Bar on the malecon in Puerto Plata! Biekes Bar - the first bar in & the last bar out of Costambar! Drop by Saturdays for Costambars Best Burger! Check out the blackboards for food specials during the week!

Los Tres Cocos in Las Rocas invites you to try something different. Fine dining at its best! Call 809-993-4503 for details. Sams at Loase Resort & Spa is making Sunday a special day. Starting at 10am with a breakfast brunch, then escape the hassle of the beach by using their pool facilities, playing free racquetball or bring a group and play some free wallyball. Now offering free rides home to patrons - you get there,theyll get you home! Dont forget to make reservations for their Easter Dinner on April 8th. At The Catamaran on Costambar Beach youll find great food at great prices enjoyed with a million dollar view! Every day they have Power Hour with 3X1 cuba libres from 6-7pm. They also hold a monthly Flea Market on the last Saturday of every month beginning at 10am. No cost to vendors! Pascuals on Costambar Beach specializes in seafood from their live lobster tank. Every Thursday is Romantic Night with guitar music by the duo Los Reyes and Saturdays its Karaoke & a BBQ! Also available for parties and events! Big Lees Beach Bar is aiming to be the new hotspot on the Malecon in Puerto Plata. Try his steamed hot dogs with all the fixings! American music and free popcorn! Look for the 7 foot electric palm tree! Its Karaoke on April 10th from 8pm! Why not try El Jardin y Algo Mas for something different? This month try their Tacos a la Margarita. Sharkys Bar & Grill in Costambar is bringing the fun times back to town! Hans is back with Darts on Tuesday nights! Wicked Wing Specials on Wednesdays - RD$140/lb! Thirsty Thursdays with RD$45 rum drinks! Scary-oke with on Friday nights! Super Saturday Spaghetti Special for RD$95! They have a Foosball Table, Pool Table and Satellite TV for all sporting events. AND Charo is in charge of the menu!

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girls grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave? Of course not, dear. replied the mother, Why would you think that? The tombstone back there said Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.
OPEN DAILY FROM 12 NOON SATURDAYS BIEKE BURGERS!! CHECK OUR BOARD FOR FOOD SPECIALS!

Costambar Monthly page 3

Power Hour 3X1 Cuba Libres at Catamaran 6-7pm Happy Hour at Syls Place 4-7pm Darts with Hans at Sharkys Wicked Wing Special at Sharkys Romantic Night with live guitar music by Los Reyes at Pascuals Thirsty Thursday at Sharkys with RD$45 rum drinks Fish & Chips at Syls Place Scary-oke at Sharkys Karaoke at MarLous 9pm Karaoke & BBQ at Pascuals Bieke Burger Day at Biekes Bar Super Saturday Spaghetti Special at Sharkys RD$95 Flea Market at Catamaran Breakfast Buffet at Sams at Loase from 10am Chili Extravaganza at Syls Place Grande Beer Specials at Syls Place Easter Dinner at Chris & Madys 6pm Easter Dinner at Sams at Loase 2-7pm by reservation Karaoke at Big Lees Beach Bar from 8pm

HAPPY HOUR!!! 4-7pm Cuba/Santo Libres 2X1 Bohemia peq RD$45 Presidente peq RD$50 Watch for Surprise Drink Specials!!!

ALL EASTER WEEK SPECIALS ON GRANDE BEERS!!!!

SUNDAYS! ALL THINGS CHILI! BOWLS OF CHILI! CHILI DOGS! CHILI CHEESE FRIES! FRIDAYS!!!! FISH & CHIPS/ONION RINGS!!!

Marriage requires commitment. So does insanity. Coincidence?

COME FOR THE GREAT FOOD AT GREAT PRICES AND THE MILLION DOLLAR VIEW!

EVERY LAST SATURDAY OF THE MONTH FREE TO VENDORS! Starting at 10am

FLEA MARKET!!!

Costambar Monthly page 4

NOT MENTIONING ANY NAMES BUT.

This popular snowbird didnt miss the boat but he did miss his flight! Now youre probably thinking Not such a big deal! It can happen. And CM agrees - a flat tire, bad traffic, any number of things can conspire to make you just late enough to miss your flight check-in. But it takes real effort to miss a flight by two days! Personally, CM thinks it probably just dond on him that he wasnt quite ready to go north again. And who can blame him! All we ask is please dont miss your flight back down next season!

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moments hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said "My wife got a pretty good look at you".

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

TUESDAYS Darts with Hans!

WEDNESDAYS! Wicked Wing Specials RD$140/lb

THIRSTY THURSDAYS RD$45 Rum Drinks!

THURS & SAT Live NHL Games!

FRIDAYS Scary-oke!

SUPER SATURDAY Spaghetti Special!! RD$95

Costambar Monthly page 5

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church." The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?" The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week." The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?" The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada ... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno "

Restaurant Chino
Best Chinese Food On the North Coast! Two Great Locations! Eat In or Takeout!
Xiang Wan Jia Plaza Neptuno, Malecon, Puerto Plata 809-261-5609 Calle Principal, Cabarete 809-571-0385

Try Our TACOS a la MARGARITA!

Open Only by Reservation of 4 or more people Calle Felix Nolasco #55, Urbanization Atlantica, Puerto Plata 809-261-0416/829-568-1475

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work! The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir? The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him......."

Costambar Monthly page 6

These are the nominees for the Chevy Nova Award. This is (said to be) given out in honor of GM's fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central and South America. "No va" in Spanish means, "It Doesn't Go". The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are You Lactating?" Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea." Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux." Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick." When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine. translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed From the Grave" in Chinese. shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the Wax Tadpole" or shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa). "Female Horse Stuffed with Wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokoukole", translating into "Happiness in the Mouth." Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken," was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate." When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in INTERNATIONAL GOURMET Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It CUISINE won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The & company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It AUSTRIAN SPECIALTIES won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!" When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish!

Costambar Monthly page 7

10. Cats' facial expressions 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds 7. Fat clothes 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time 5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell 4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow 3. Eyelash curlers 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made And the number One thing only women understand: 1. OTHER WOMEN

PASCUALS PLAYA COSTAMBAR

Specializing in Live Lobsters & Seafood
EVERY THURSDAY Romantic Night with Live Guitar Music by the duo Los Reyes EVERY SATURDAY Karaoke & BBQ Open Daily For Parties, Events & Reservations Call 829-434-9404/829-464-4071/829-637-6487

CHRIS & MADYS

Playa Cofresi

We who have taught, or love children who have been taught, know this is funny! From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher My five-year old students are learning to read. Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!" I took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?" "It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!" And so it did... "A f r i c a n Elephant " Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

EASTER SUNDAY DINNER APRIL 8TH AT 6PM

10% DISCOUNT ON DINNER FOR RESIDENTS WITH THIS AD!

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh! The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: The driver just insulted me! The man says: You go right up there and tell him off go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.

Two man playing golf were held up by two women playing in front of them. One man said: "I'll walk up to them and tell them to hurry up." When he returned he said: "I have a problem, one of the women is my wife and the other one is my mistress." The second man said: "I'll walk up to them and hurry them up." He came back and said: " We both have the same problem.

Costambar Monthly page 8

Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, "The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind." One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What's with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year. Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness. Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, "Do you know where we are?" "I think so," replied the other Redneck. "Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!"

Every day on the Ocean is another day in Paradise.

Spend today at Big Lees Beach Bar

On the Malecon in Puerto Plata, 8th Casetta

Enjoy our: up-close view of the Ocean, our Hot Dogs on steamed buns, our free Pop Corn, and our Oldies Music - 50s, 60s, 70s and 80s.

KARAOKE Tuesday April 10th 8pm till midnight

www.bigleesbeachbar.com

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what - metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.' The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition. Any man who could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge. The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly . The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.' The princess did as she was told, though she turned red . She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after. Question: What was in the prince's pants? M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

Costambar Monthly page 9

JUST ARRIVED!
CLEAR FIBERGLASS 7 GALLON PROPANE CYLINDER TANK 24 TALL & 12 DIAMETER
Always know how much gas you have! Lighter than steel & rustproof!

FOR SALE

ONLY RD$2500 CALL COLIN AT 809-449-1819

26' Ocean Reef Fishing Boat Good - Very Good condition Built in Florida 1982 Solid sea-vessel Economical 4 cyl. Isuzu Good for fishing or touring. US$42,000 Info 809-392-0077 sailinnn@yahoo.com

TRYING TO SELL YOUR BOAT? GET MORE EXPOSURE BY ADVERTISING IT IN COSTAMBAR MONTHLY!

L U P E R O N

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied I don't know, it all happened so fast.

The maid asked for a "pay raise". The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you think you should get a pay increase?" Maria: "Well, Seora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze." "The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "Jor huzban he say so." Wife: "Oh yeah?" Maria: "The second reason eez dat I am better cook than you. Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" Maria: "Jor hozban did." Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did did he???" Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed." Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth. "And did my husband say that as well?" Maria: "No Seora........ The gardener did." Wife: "So how much do you want?"

Costambar Monthly page 10

SOLUTIONS ON PAGE 13
SUDOKU PUZZLES Fill in the missing numbers so every row, column and quadrant contains the number 1 through 9.

WEATHER
Find and circle all of the words that are hidden in the grid. The remaining letters spell a hidden message

BAROMETER BLIZZARD CELSIUS CLOUDS COLD CYCLONE DOWNPOUR DRIZZLE DROUGHT FAHRENHEIT

FLOOD FLURRIES FOG FORECAST FREEZE FROST HAIL HOT HUMIDITY HURRICANE

ICE LIGHTNING MIST MONSOON OVERCAST RAIN SHOWER SLEET SNOW SQUALL

STORM SUNNY TEMPERATURE THERMOMETER THUNDER TORNADO TSUNAMI TYPHOON VISIBILITY WINDY

Across 1. Reciprocal 5. Defeat 6. Feed 7. Himalayan mount Down 1. Infuriate 2. Speculation 3. Mundane 4. Hearing distance

Costambar Monthly page 11

12 22 28 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 40 42 43 44 46 49

CNN FOX ABC NBC CBS KIDS TBS CNBC ESPN-1 WGN CDN TNT USA ESPN-2 DISCOVERY DISNEY HBO SPORT BOOMERANG

51 56 57 64 66

CINE SPEED

CANAL

ANIMAL PLANET SCI-FI FOOD 69 DISCOVERY

70 71 72 74 79 80 81 83 84 85

WEATHER CINEMAX SHOWTIME STARZ NASA JETIX CARTOON TNT LA HISTORY THE FILM ZONE

Police Office Police Car APC Office APC Gate Security Codetel Edenorte - emergency Edenorte - office Costambar Taxi Stand Canada Britain U.S.A. German Italian Clinica Bournigal Clinica Brugal Los Tropicos Pharmacy

809-320-8510 809-320-8840 809-970-7877 809-970-7015 809-220-1111 809-261-1844 809-586-9823 809-970-7318 809-586-5761 809-586-4244 809-586-4204 809-586-6995 809-320-7601 809-586-2342 809-586-2519 809-970-7607

1 Include Your Children When Baking Cookies 2 Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say 3 Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 4 Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case 5 Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 6 Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus? 7 Prostitutes Appeal to Pope 8 Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 9 British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands 10 Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 11 Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead 12 Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told 13 Miners Refuse to Work After Death 14 Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 15 Stolen Painting Found by Tree 16 Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter 17 War Dims Hope for Peace 18 If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 19 Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 20 Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge 21 New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group 22 Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space 23 Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 24 Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 25 Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Costambar Monthly page 12

TENNIS
Villa Jasmin Court

Private Lessons - English & Spanish spoken Singles, Weekend Pick-Up Doubles Reasonable Prices Special Beginners Introductory Lesson - Group(s) of Six RD$50 each Childrens Groups (5yrs & up)
CALL ISAIAS 829-705-2913

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, So I went to our local pet shop and they were $70! "Forget that," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."

BEGINNER

INTERMEDIA TE

HIDDEN MESSAGE
Precipitation

Costambar Monthly page 13

Health Insurance
RD$955 Includes Dental RD$1190 with Drugs
Big Lees Beach Bar, Puerto Plata 5pm Biekes Bar, Costambar 6:30pm Or call Petra & Marcel Bahr 1-809-885-2155
NOTE FOR APRIL 2012 PAYMENTS!!!
April payments may be made in advance on March 6 Or at Banco Leon S.A. Account owner: Ingeburg Ohlrog (Treas. of the IRC) Current account number: 65 66 11 PLEASE INCLUDE YOUR NAME & KEEP RECEIPT AS EVIDENCE OF PAYMENT!

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Massage: Relax, Reduction, Deep Tissue, Facial Massage, Reflexology, Acupressure, & Hot Stone Physical Therapy, Paraffin Treatment & Lymphatic Drainage Manicure & Pedicure: Regular & Intensive Braids & Hair Extensions & Mens Haircuts Facials, Waxing , Peeling, Hydration & Nurse Services Natural Health & Beauty Products
ASK ABOUT OUR SPECIALS. Open Mon-Sat from 9:00am / Sundays by appointment Service to the home. Transportation available. #14 Penon St, Costambar Tel: 809-970-7522 Cell: 809-993-2944

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.

Costambar Monthly page 14

MURDER AT SHOP N SAVE Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed. A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on The Beer Prayer hand until he could collect his wife's insurance Our lager, money. Artie insisted on being paid at least Which art in barrels, something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Hollowed be thy drink. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly I will be drunk, agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for At home as in the travern. the dirty deed. Give us this day our foamy head, A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to And forgive us our spillages, the local Shop N Save supermarket. There, he As we forgive those who spill against surprised her in the produce department and us. proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. And lead us not into incarceration, As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last But deliver us from hangovers. breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of For thine is the beer. The bitter and The the produce department stumbled unexpectedly lager onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any Forever and ever, living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but Barmen. to strangle the produce manager as well. However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. The next day in the newspaper, the headline Mundo declared... 'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ Shop N Save' Electronico

Repairs of LCD Plasma Toasters Blenders Fans Stoves

Calle San Felipe #30, Puerto Plata

My fantasy is to have two men at once. One cooking. One cleaning.

Costambar Monthly page 15

DO YOU NEED A HOUSE SITTER?

Retired New Jersey Police Officer is available! Long/short term Call 829-540-2818

DO YOU NEED A GOOD MECHANIC?

Call Ito
829-563-1878 or 829-540-6622 (for English 809-464-7898)
SERVICE DONE AT YOUR HOME! ALL GENERAL REPAIRS & MAINTENANCE!
Life Comes a Full Circle At age 4, success is.....not wetting your pants. At age 12, success is... having friends. At age 16, success is... having a driver's license. At age 20, success is... having sex. At age 35, success is... having money. At age 50, success is... having money. At age 60, success is... having sex. At age 70, success is... having a driver's license. At age 75, success is... having friends. At age 80, success is... not wetting your pants.

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner? The lawyer answers, Absolutely. Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today. The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 (attorneys don't carry cash). Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: It was a bill for $100 for a consultation! SOUND RENTAL

Karaoke Tropical
For Any Event Of Your Choice With Animation in English, Spanish, German and French Lyrics in 7 Languages International Music, Videos and DVDs

809-204-4172 Email dj.marilyne_karaoke_tropical@hotmail.com

Costambar Monthly page 16

VIVERO!!!
Open to the Public
All ypes of T Palms, Flowering & Foliage Plants Landscaping & Garden Maintenance Services Available BEST PRICES ON THE NORTH COAST
Open Monday-Friday 8:30am to 5pm And By Appointment

PLANT

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer." The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming." "Yes I do!" "Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?" "Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down." "Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?" "Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down." "Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?" "Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him." "Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?" "Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage." "Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?" "Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."

Call George (Lettuce) 809-543-8041

Km. 11 Carretera PP-Imbert (In front of PARADA DINAMICA) Just past the fish places
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C. The Russians used a pencil.

"My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's titled: 'Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.'"

Costambar Monthly page 17

Apartments for Rent Special Offers Available For Long Term Rentals! Just ask Max! Office 809-970-7312 Cell 809-251-8679 Visit our website www.villasfelipe.com

Fully furnished one bedroom apartment Located in Costambar. Includes internet, cable tv, electricity and propane Only $400 US monthly. Pool and laundry facilities for your use as well. Located two minute walk to the beach. Email currencytrader1@hotmail.com for details.

Maximilians
BEACH BAR
First Casetta at Long Beach Malecon, Puerto Plata, R.D. Cell: 809-251-8679

In Plaza Turisol, main street Puerto Plata to Sosua Spaces from 269sq ft to 3300 sq ft Top location, plenty of parking Ideal for offices, stores, gyms or ? Reasonable prices
Royd Jantzen 809-970-7616 Jorge Fernandez 809-669-7660
FOR MORE INFORMATION

FOR SALE/RENT/TRADE

Ricart Garcia & Assoc.

Lic. R. Margarita Ricart G.
Lawyer-Abogado
Specializing in contract law - cedulas, real estate, vehicles Court appearances for civil/legal suits Appointments at your residence or our office
Cubicle 7-A, Plaza Turisol, Puerto Plata, Rep. Dom. Office 809-244-4519 Cel. 809-757-0814 Email: ricartreal-estate@hotmail.com

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Costambar Monthly page 18

CLASSIFIEDS
FOR SALE 33foot sailboat, Glander Tavana class yawl, good condition/ minor work needed, less than 1500 hours on new 20 horse Kuboto engine and trans. A MUST SEE! Located in Luperon bay. Call Sean @ (809) 782-2534. FOR SALE Leaving country! Everything must go! Living room set, white ratan 1st. quality 3seater, 2seater and rocking chair. Toyota Corolla 1993 top condition AC, Automatic RD$150,000. NEGOTIABLE MUCH MORE!! 809 261 8981 mornings FOR SALE 1999 Chevrolet Blazer. Good condition. Automatic. Sand color. New brake job. Asking $5000.-USD 809-970-7437 (Costambar) FOR SALE Sentry Fire Safe 2 cu ft Electronic and Key Lock Original price US$400 Sale price US$200 or make an offer! Weighs 200 lbs and can be bolted to floor Contact Jpalmerdr@gmail.com FOR SALE 2000 Toyota Starlet RD$180,000 Tel 809-970-0581 Cell 829-9657542/829-465-2140 FOR SALE Car: Mitsubishi L200, diesel, year 2005, 76,000 km, incl. Full insurance till April 2012, very good conditions, German maintained, new rear brakes, trailer coupling, and much more Motorcycle YAMAHA SEROW 225ccm,TRIAL, German maintained, looks like new! Open fishing motorboat, 22 feet, year 2010, Tohatsu 40 horsepower and Tohatsu 9.8 horsepower, specialize for big game fishing! Call for prices: 849 886 1266 Located in Luperon FOR SALE Alante Electric Wheelchair 24 volt Excellent condition with little use. Original price over US$5000 Will sell for US$1000 English 809-360-8552 Spanish 809-970-7522 or 809993-2944 FOR SALE Keyboard USB GN Multimedia black, Mouse GN USB black,Cable Power Supply/monitor, Speakers KLIPX KSS-310, Monitor LCD RFB 17 flatscreen, COM A P4 3.4/1GB with new office Chair VIS. 4010 Blue fabric with new Computer table desk/slide. 13,000RD negotiable contact: 809- 261 6816 or gregtawkwin@yahoo.com FOR SALE 2010 model BIC JUNGLE HYBRID 3 in 1 design Sailboard, Surfboard, SUP stand up paddleboard. 10ft 10inches, 28" width. Like New condition. Lots of extras!!! 6.0 Cruiser full batten sail. Mast, 2 sections for easy storage in bag with sail. Boom. Daggerboard. Adjustable skeg. SUP adjustable paddle. "DAKINE" harness. BIC harness lines. surfboard leash.Brand new "ON A MISSION"board bag ($250.00 USD value) $2200.00 USD. Located Luperon, 809-517-0949 WANTED "Karaoke business looking for an assistant with experiences as a DJ. Dominican welcome! for contacts call 809 988 1322 after 2.30 PM." WANTED Exercise bike. call Mark on 829-712-8189

LIKE CHECKING OUT THE CLASSIFIEDS FOR GREAT DEALS? OR USING THEM TO GET RID OF YOUR UNWANTED ITEMS? THEN WHY NOT CHECK OUT COSTAMBARS NEW FLEA MARKET AT THE CATAMARAN BAR ON THE BEACH. EVERY LAST SATURDAY OF THE MONTH STARTING AT 10AM! FREE TO VENDORS!!! Costambar Monthly classified ads are free but can only be placed by emailing costambarmonthly@yahoo.ca Or calling 809-970-7507 or 809-449-1820 PLEASE NOTE - free classified ads are only for personal items. Commercial properties or enterprises (including real estate sales or rentals) must purchase an ad. Classifieds will usually be run for one month only unless we are otherwise notified.

OPEN DAILY (INCLUDING HOLIDAYS) Mon-Sat 8am-10pm Sundays 8am-8pm Everything you need from snacks to supper! Delivery Service Available! Calle Principal, Costambar (just inside the gate) 809-970-3028

IGLESIA FILIPOS PRESBITERIANA invites you to services every Sunday at 10 A.M. Worships are in Spanish. Children activities. Before Costambar Gate Security, turn on the right side toward the power plant, 100 meters on the right side.

Costambar Monthly page 19

Costambar Monthly page 20

When you are feeling nostalgic come to

Play It Again
At Loase
Much of What You Loved About Sams In Costambar!

FREE RIDE HOME FOR COSTAMBAR RESIDENTS EATING AND/OR DRINKING AT SAMS! YOU GET HERE, WELL GET YOU HOME!
CALL FOR DETAILS

SUNDAYS Open 10am for Breakfast Brunch And Full Menu

Tues to Sat 12pm-8pm??? Sunday 10am-8pm??? Closed Mondays
Call for reservations if you want to eat later than 8pm

Easter Dinner with reservations 2pm-7pm Come and swim, play free racquetball, handball and wallyball! Come give it a try and get away from the noise and hassle of the beach!
VILLA FOR RENT BY THE WEEK

GREAT MENU + SPECIALS! FISH & CHIPS RD$200 MEAT LOAF CURRIES & MORE!
Ocean

Sams

Loase Resort

Calle Sanchez

Casa Obear/ Loase Villa