http://www.paulgraham.com/say.html Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging freely. It's women who make it hard!

Little Johnny is delivering newspapers. He knocks on a door and says to the lady , "I'm collecting today... that'll be five dollars." She says, "I'm a little sho rt on cash, but I'll gladly give you s ome great sex instead." Little Johnny agr ees, "All right." He walks in and the lady undoes his pants and pulls them down. To her surprise, she sees the biggest penis she's ever seen. Little Johnny then reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of washers, and begins slidi ng them onto his penis. The lady says, "You don't have to do that. I can take al l of it." "Not for five bucks you can't," replies Little Johnny. There once was a guy named Dave Who kept an old Ho in a cave He said "I admit that I am a twit But look at the money I save!" There once was a girl named Madonna To all the boys she'd ask "Do yo wanna?" Warren Beatty said no & called her a Ho Now she gripes and smokes marijuana. There once was a Senator from Mass Who was searchin' around for a Lass; He lucked out and found it, screwed it And drowned it T'was the end of his Fat Lyin' Ass. There once was a lady from Thrace, Who's corset no longer would lace, Her mother said "Nellie, There's more in your belly, Than ever went in through your face." There was a young girl who begat Three brats named Nat, Pat, and Tat. It was fun in the breeding, But hell in the feeding When she found she had no Tit for Tat. There was an old harlot from Kew Who filled her 'earner' with glue. Said she with a grin, "If they pay to get in, They'll pay to get out of it, too." There once was a pirate Who attempted to rhumba He fell on his cutlass, And practically useless named Bates on skates. which rendered him nutless on dates.

There was a young lady of Worcester Who dreamt that a rooster seduced her. She woke with a scream, But 'twas only a dream A lump in the mattress had goosed her.

The 80-year-old accused of rape was Mort, So the judge did his best, as he ought. But the jury's sympathetic, Mort is old & pathetic, And the evidence stood not up in court. There once was an odious brute Who made love in Sunday best suit. The result, as you'd guess, was a Suit in a mess & a very chaifed lady to boot.

You think fairy tales are only for girls? Here s a hint - ask yourself who wrote t hem. I assure you, it wasn t just the women. It s the great male fantasy - all it ta kes is one dance to know that she s the one. All it takes is the sound of her song from the tower, or a look at her sleeping face. And right away you know - this is the girl in your head, sleeping or dancing or singing in front of you. Yes, g irls want their princes, but boys want their princesses just as much. And they d on t want a very long courtship. They want to know immediately. - David Levithan and Rachel Cohn. Last night I tweeted Why are there no fairy tales with the prince being rescued? a nd today I found the answer. Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which sa id: Two Prostitutes - $50.00. A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them, and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. At that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "Jesus Saves." One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?" "Well, that's a little different," the officer said. "Their sign pertains to rel igion." The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving a round with a large sign on their car. He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign: Two Fallen Angels- Seeking Peter -- $50. Question: Is sex Work? A e a e e U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. Whil waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky th night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed th question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work. A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his sta te of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of mak ing the coffee and asked for HIS opinion? Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasur e. The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why? "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them." The room fell silent. God Bless the enlisted man. *THINGS I LEARNED LIVING IN THE SOUTH * A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha. Onced and Twiced are words. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy! Jawl-P? Means, Did you all go to the bathroom? People actually grow,eat and like okra. Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do that. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the So uth. Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you. The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?' You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you w ork until you're done or it's too dark to see. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em. Ya'll is singular. All ya'll is plural. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, in sect, or animal.

You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco and ketchup. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, the motor sports, and gossip. Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss(first name) or Mr.(first name) You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday. You know what a hissy fit is.. Fried catfish is the other white meat. We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!! ! You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those w ho just wish they were from the SOUTH. Have you ever looked at a map of the world? Look at Texas with me just for a second. That picture, with the Panhandle and the Gulf Coast , and the Red River and the Rio Grande is as much a part of you as anything ever will be. As soon as anyone anywhere in the world looks at it, they know what it is. It's Texas . Pick any kid off the street in Japan and draw him a picture of Texas in the dirt, and he'll know what it is. What happens if I show you a picture of any other state? You might get it maybe after a second or two, but who else would? And even if you do, does it ever stir any feelings in you? In every man, woman and child on this planet, there is a person who wishes just once he could be a real live Texan and get up on a horse or ride off in a pickup. There is a little bit of Texas in everyone. Texas is the Alamo . Texas is 183 men standing in a church, facing thousands of Mexican nationals, fighting for freedom, who had the chance to walk out and save themselves, but stayed instead to fight and die for the cause of freedom. We send our kids to schools named William B. Travis and James Bowie and Davy Crockett, and do you know why? Because those men saw a line in the sand and they decided to cross it and be heroes. John Wayne paid to do the movie The Alamo himself. That is the Spirit of Texas . Texas is Sam Houston capturing Antonio Lopez de Santa Ana at San Jacinto.

Texas has huge forests of Piney Woods like the Davy Crockett and Sam Houston National Forests. Texas is breathtaking mountains in the Big Bend . Texas is Texas is Texas is Texas is iends. Texas is Texas is the unparalleled beauty of bluebonnet fields in the Texas Hill Country. floating the rivers of the Hill Country on a hot summer day. the beautiful, warm beaches of the Gulf Coast of South Texas . beaches you can drive on and have many memorable bonfires with close fr that warm feeling you get when someone asks where you're from. the shiny skyscrapers in Houston and Dallas.

Texas is world record bass from places like Lake Fork . Texas is Mexican foods like nowhere else, not even Mexico . Texas is chicken fried steak and world famous Bar-B-Q. Texas is the Fort Worth Stockyards, Bass Hall, the Mort Myerson in Dallas, The B allpark in Arlington, the Cowboys Stadium in Arlington, the American Airlines Ce nter in Dallas, and the Astrodome (the Reliant Stadium now) in Houston. Texas is larger-than-life legends like Michael DeBakey, Ann Richards, Denton Cooley, Willie Nelson, Buddy Holly, Gene Autry, Audie Murphy, Tommy Lee Jones, Waylon Jennings, Farrah Fawcett, Janis Joplin, Sandra Bullock, Kris Kristofferson, Tom Landry, Eva Longoria Parker, Darrell Royal, ZZ Top, Roger Staubach Eric Dickerson, Earl Campbell, Nolan Ryan , Sam Rayburn, Howard Hughes, George H. W. Bush, Lyndon B.Johnson, George W . Bush, and let's not forget GEORGE STRAIT, the Big Bopper, Tex Ritter, George Jones, Clay Walker, Mark Chestnut, and Tracy Byrd to name ONLY a few. Texas has great companies like Dell Computer, Texas Instruments, EDS and Compaq, Whataburger, Southwest Airlines, Bell Helicopter, and LOCKHEED MARTIN AEROSPACE, Home of the F-16Jet Fighter and the JSF Fighter,Valero. Texas is NASA. Texas is huge herds of cattle, beautiful horses and miles of crops. Texas is home to the world famous King Ranch. Texas is home to the most amazing sunsets of gold over an empty field. Texas is skies blackened with doves and fields full of deer. Texas is a place where towns and cities shut down to watch the local high school football game on Friday nights and for the Cowboys on Monday Night Football at the new Cowboy Stadium, and for the Night In Old San Antonio River Parade in San Antonio. To drive across Texas is to drive 1/3 the way across the United States.

Texas has ocean beaches, deserts, lakes and rivers, mountains and prairies, and modern cities. If it isn't already in Texas, we probably don't need it. No one does anything bigger or better than it's done in Texas. By federal law, Texas is the only state in the U.S. That can fly its flag at the same height as the U.S. Flag. Think about that for a second. You fly the Stars and Stripes at 20 feet in Maryland , California , or Maine , and your state flag, whatever it is, goes at 17 feet. You fly the Stars and Stripes in front of Klein Oak High or anyplace else at 20 feet, the Lone Star flies at the same height - 20 feet. You know why? Because its the only state that was a Republic before it became a state. Also, being a Texan is as high as being an American down here. Our capitol is the only one in the country that is taller than the capitol building in Washington, DC. And we can divide our state into five states at any time if we wanted to! We can become a republic again at any time the voters of Texas choose, and we included these things as part of the deal when we came on. That's the best part, right there. Texas even has its own power grid!! And don't even lie to yourself. Did I mention the LIVE music capitol of the world? These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites! FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer 100. WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie. **** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, 200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. Statement of the Century Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly: "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?" >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Children Are Quick ____________________________________ TEACHER: Why are you late? STUDENT: Class started before I got here. ____________________________________ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this child) ________________________________________________________________________________ _ TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. Cemetery Watchman My friend Kevin and I are volunteers at a National cemetery in Oklahoma and put in a few days a month in a 'slightly larger' uniform. Today had been a long, long day and I just wanted to get the day over with and go down to Smokey's and have a cold one. Sneaking a look at my watch, I saw the time, 16:55, five minutes to go before the cemetery gates are closed for the day. Full dress was hot in the August sun, Oklahoma summertime was as bad as ever--the heat and humidity at the same level--both too high.

My Honor I saw the car pull into the drive, '69 or '70 model Cadillac Deville, looked factory-new. It pulled into the parking lot at a snail's pace. An old woman got out so slow I thought she was paralyzed. She had a cane and a s heaf of flowers--about four or five bunches as best I could tell. I couldn't help myself. The thought came unwanted, and left a slightly bitter ta ste: 'She's going to spend an hour for this old soldier, my hip hurts like hell and I'm ready to get out of here right now!' But for this day, my duty was to assist anyone coming in. Kevin would lock the 'In' gate and if I could hurry the old biddy along, we migh t make it to Smokey's in time. I broke post attention. My hip made gritty noises

when I took the first step and the pain went up a notch. I must have made a rea l military sight: middle-aged man with a small pot gut and half a limp, in marin e full-dress uniform, which had lost its razor crease about thirty minutes after I began the watch at the cemetery. I stopped in front of her, halfway up the walk. She looked up at me with an old woman's squint. 'Ma'am, may I assist you in any way?' She took long enough to answer. 'Yes, son. Can you carry these flowers? I seem to be moving a tad slow these day s.' 'My pleasure, ma'am.' (Well, it wasn't too much of a lie.) She looked again. 'Marine, where were you stationed?' ' Vietnam , ma'am.. Ground-pounder. '69 to '71.' She looked at me closer. 'Wounded in action, I see. Well done, Marine. I'll be as quick as I can.' I lied a little bigger: 'No hurry, ma'am.' She smiled and winked at me. 'Son, I'm 85-years-old and I can tell a lie from a long way off. Let's get this done. Might be the last time I can do this. My name 's Joanne Wieserman, and I've a few Marines I'd like to see one more time.' 'Yes , ma 'am. At your service.' She headed for the World War I section, stopping at a stone. She picked one of t he flower bunches out of my arm and laid it on top of the stone. She murmured so mething I couldn't quite make out. The name on the marble was Donald S. Davidson , USMC: France 1918. She turned away and made a straight line for the World War II section, stopping at one stone I saw a tear slowly tracking its way down her cheek. She put a bunc h on a stone; the name was Stephen X. Davidson, USMC, 1943. She went up the row a ways and laid another bunch on a stone, Stanley J. Wieserm an, USMC, 1944. She paused for a second and more tears flowed. 'Two more, son, a nd we'll be done.' I almost didn't say anything, but, 'Yes, ma'am. Take your tim e.' She looked confused. 'Where's the Vietnam section, son? I seem to have lost my way.' I pointed with my chin. 'That way, ma'am.' 'Oh!' she chuckled quietly. 'Son, me and old age ain't too friendly.' She headed down the walk I'd pointed at. She stopped at a couple of stones before she found the ones she wanted. She placed a bunch on Larry Wieserman, USMC, 1968, and the last on Darrel Wieserman, USMC, 1970. She s tood there and murmured a few words I still couldn't make out and more tears flo wed. 'OK, son, I'm finished. Get me back to my car and you can go home.' Yes, ma'am. If I may ask, were those your kinfolk?' She paused. 'Yes, Donald Davidson was my father, Stephen was my uncle, Stanley w as my husband, Larry and Darrel were our sons. All killed in action, all Marines .' She stopped! Whether she had finished, or couldn't finish, I don't know. She mad e her way to her car, slowly and painfully. I waited for a polite distance to come between us and then double-timed it over to Kevin, waiting by the car. 'Get to the 'Out' gate quick. I have something I've got to do.' Kevin started to say something, but saw the look I gave him. He broke the rules to get us there down the service road fast. We beat her. She hadn't made it arou nd the rotunda yet. 'Kevin, stand at attention next to the gatepost. Follow my lead.' I

humped it across the drive to the other post.When the Cadillac came puttering ar ound from the hedges and began the short straight traverse to the gate, I called in my best gunny's voice: 'TehenHut! Present Haaaarms!' I have to hand it to Kevin; he never blinked an eye--full dress attention and a salute that would make his DI proud. She drove through that gate with two old worn-out soldiers giving her a send-off she deserved, for service rendered to her country, and for knowing duty, honor and sacrifice far beyond the realm of most. I am not sure, but I think I saw a salute returned from that Cadillac. Instead of 'The End,' just think of 'Taps.' As a final thought on my part, let me share a favorite prayer: 'Lord, keep our servicemen and women safe, whether they serve at home or overseas. Hold them in your loving hands and protect them as they protect us.' Let's all keep those currently serving and those who have gone before in our tho ughts. They are the reason for the many freedoms we enjoy. 'In God We Trust.' Sorry about your monitor; it made mine blurry too! If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under! ==========================================================

One out of ten children in Europe are conceived on an IKEA bed. Antarctica is the only continent without reptiles or snakes. An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it. In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910. When George Lucas was mixing the American Graffiti soundtrack, he numbered the r eels of film starting with an R and numbered the dialog starting with a D. Sound designer Walter Murch asked George for Reel 2, Dialog 2 by saying "R2D2". Georg e liked the way that sounded so much he integrated that into another project he was working on. The youngest pope was 11 years old. Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school.

Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses. Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner. They have square watermelons in Japan - they stack better. Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation. Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs. Armadillos can be housebroken. The first Fords had engines made by Dodge. A mole can dig a tunnel 300 feet long in just one night. Peanuts are one of the ingredients in dynamite. Ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone. A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside. A quarter has 119 grooves on its edge, a dime has one less groove. A hummingbird weighs less than a penny. Until 1796, there was a state in the United States called Franklin. Today it is known as Tennessee. The flashing warning light on the cylindrical Capitol Records tower spells out H OLLYWOOD in Morse code. Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie. The average person has over 1,460 dreams a year. One in every 4 Americans has appeared on television. The average American will eat about 11.9 pounds of cereal per year. Over 1,000 birds a year die from smashing into windows. The State of Florida is bigger than England. Ants stretch when they wake up in the morning. Thomas Edison, light bulb inventor, was afraid of the dark. During your lifetime, you'll eat about 60,000 pounds of food. That's the weight of about 6 elephants. Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they can't find any food. The world's oldest piece of chewing gum is 9000 years old. In space, astronauts cannot cry, because there is no gravity, so the tears can't flow.

About 3000 years ago, most Egyptians died by the time they were 30. More people use blue toothbrushes than red ones. Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, every time you breathe. In the White House, there are 13,092 knives, forks and spoons. Slugs have 4 noses. Recycling one glass jar saves enough energy to watch TV for 3 hours. Lightning strikes about 6,000 times per minute on this planet. Owls are the only birds who can see the color blue. In 1849, David Atchison became President of the United States for just one day, and he spent most of the day sleeping. It was the custom in Ancient Rome for the men to place their right hand on their testicles when taking an oath. The modern term 'testimony' is derived from this tradition. The study of stupidity is called 'monology'. Hindu men believe(d) it to be unluckily to marry a third time. They could avoid misfortune by marring a tree first. The tree ( his third wife ) was then burnt, freeing him to marry again. More money is spent each year on alcohol and cigarettes than on Life insurance. In 1911 3 men were hung for the murder of Sir Edmund Berry at Greenbury Hill, th eir last names were Green, Berry , and Hill. A parthenophobic has a fear of virgins. St Nicholas, the original Father Christmas, is the patron saint of thieves, virg ins and communist Russia. Ethelred the Unready, King of England in the Tenth-century, spent his wedding ni ght in bed with his wife and his mother-in-law. The two highest IQ's ever recorded (on a standard test) both belong to women. George Washington grew marijuana in his garden. An American aircraft in Vietnam shot itself down with one of its own missiles. The Nobel Prize resulted form a late change in the will of Alfred Nobel, who did not want to be remembered after his death as a propagator of violence - he inve nted dynamite. Pogonophobia is the fear of beards. In 1647 the English Parliament abolished Christmas. The magic word "Abracadabra" was originally intended for the specific purpose of curing hay fever. Albert Einstein was once offered the Presidency of Israel. He declined saying he

had no head for problems. At the age of 12, Martin Luther King became so depressed he tried committing sui cide twice, by jumping out of his bedroom window.

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not u gliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifferen ce. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference. ? Elie Wiesel I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, withou t problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand up on my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close. ? Pablo Neruda, 100 Love Sonnets: Cien sonetos de amor I am nothing special, of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts a nd I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name wi ll soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough.. ? Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind. ? William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything. ? Marilyn Monroe The following quotations are taken from official court records across the nation , showing how funny and embarrassing it is that recorders operate at all times i n courts of law, so that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for poster ity.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------"Seven Blunders of the World" 1. Wealth without work 2. Pleasure without conscience 3. Knowledge without character 4. Commerce without morality 5. Science without humanity 6. Worship without sacrifice 7. Politics without principle Mahatma Gandhi

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