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CAMPUS

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Deprived of childhood camp experiences, NYUADers selfmedicate with group singing therapy sessions Latinos speak in English

BUSINESS
Sama hygiene crisis sets in over toilet paper shortage at Al Safa Economics major: I dream in statistics, then conduct statistical analyses of my dreams

Sequel to J. Sexs first kiss story turns sexy...and scarring

In response to complaints from sophomores and juniors tired of hearing the story of his first kiss, NYU President John J. Sex Sexton upon returning to the Abu Dhabi campus told the story of his first time having sex. Due to the explicit content of his story, The Chickpea is unable to print the graphic details here. However, The Chickpea has been authorized to share that the story involves in some capacity: an inflatable manatee, the wig of a Louis XIV impersonator, literally playing another octave on a baby grand piano, and Charlie. The 70-year-old Sexton, who requested he be referred to in print as J-Sexy, said the story is proof he was not always the sexual hot rod he is today. Sexton has no regrets about sharing the most singularly uncomfortable moment of my life. Ultimately, its a story about the power of hugs, Sexton said, and its a story the students needed to hear and learn from. Approximately 100 students were in the audience. 97 percent of said students reported they had lost whatever shreds of innocence they had left. The remaining three percent reported they had no innocence to lose. It was horrible, said one audience member, a distant gaze in his eyes. Some things you cant unhear, he said. Drop-in counseling sessions available at the Wellness Center for all traumatized students.

I JUST WANT MY INNOCENCE BACK:

SPORTS

NYUAD Dragon Boat team places first in race against self Unathletic NYUAD students snub organized sports, start Division I Spectatorship team

FEATURE

erupts over ou versus o in pick-up Scrabble game, property damage but no casualties
Spelled in British, the as a message that the word landed Americans on a doublewill continue word letter to resist tile for a English The time has whopping 74 linguistic come to end points. oppression. this [British] T h e T h e Americans, fact remains reign of however, that NYU terror. protested Abu Dhabi and quickly is part of American a r m e d spokesperson an American themselves university, with spare said one l e t t e r American tiles. vigilante. The time has A spokeswoman for come to end the reign the American militants of terror at the hands of said Thursday that the these British grammar attacks were intended extremists. The armed wing of the British grammarians released a statement later that day renaming themselves the Popular Front for the Liberation of Totally-Legit-EnglishEnglish. M e n t a l l y overburdened by their divided allegiance to both the British and American grammar ideologies, the cloyingly nonconfrontational, friendly Canadians night remain neutral. We feel the controversy could be better resolved over a stack of maple syrup pancakes or a noncontact hockey game, eh? one weak-willed, yellow-bellied Canadian spectator said. Tensions remain high in anticipation of a Scrabble rematch scheduled Wednesday. The NYUAD Student Government Defense Secretary has advised all students to steer clear of the Common Lounge. The Department of Defense has also promised to provide emergency food and supplies for students caught in the cross-fire, as well as to deploy Resident Assistants if needed.

Long-standing British-American spelling arms race resumes with latest Common Lounge uproar just days after American drones retaliate against British use of realise
English and American grammar enthusiasts clashed during a friendlyturned-violent Scrabble game on Wednesday night in the fifth floor Common Lounge. The riot caused no deaths but sent four students, including two passersby, to the Health and Wellness Center. Additionally, several couches, two ottomans and one beanbag were harmed in the process of fort-making. The English clinched the lead by playing neighbour instead of the American neighbor.

Club loses SIG status for offering crudits

The NYUAD Healthy Eating Club has lost its SIG status after offering students in attendance a colorful and nutritional variety of fruits and veggies. The posts to Student Life and Student Portal on Monday night promised, Refreshments will be served. Because vegetables are gross, unsuspecting students understandably arrived at Tuesday nights Healthy Eating Club meeting expecting arteryclogging and freaking delicious Krispy Kreme donuts and pizza. Instead, they were confronted with an artfully arranged spread of apples, bell peppers, eggplant, and worst of all, seeded grapes. It was like an ambush, one

LIFESTYLE
Two students hook up without anyone knowing

survivor said. They saw me misfortunate events of Tuesday come in to the meeting. There evening, we can take steps to was no escape! ensure it never happens again. A handful I n of students response to the m a n a g e d Healthy Eating It was like an to flee after Clubs scam, glimpsing the disgruntled ambush... There refreshments. students was no escape! Student have pushed Survivor Government legislation released a t h r o u g h statement S t u d e n t Wednesday morning revoking Government demanding greater the Healthy Eating Clubs SIG transparency with regard to the status and offering all victims refreshments offered. Krispy Kreme gift cards. Do we go to these meetings We are as revolted and for the meeting itself? a saddened as all the students, disgruntled student said. Of the press release said. Though course not. You have to give us we are powerless to undo the what we want.

Local teen refuses to attend her own surprise midnight birthday celebration to stay in cozy bed
The student said she believed she was targeted because her friends care deeply about her. I have all f***ing day tomorrow to celebrate my f***ing birthday, said the cranky, sleepdeprived student. But I cant f***ing sleep tomorrow. The incident is part of a growing backlash against midnight birthday celebrations. Its like, seriously, youre forcing me to choose between my friends and my bed, another sleep-deprived birthday victim said. You really want to give me a gift? How about the gift of sleep? With no viable alternative in sight, however, midnight birthday celebrations will continue to terrorize the night and the sleep schedules of students everywhere.

n NYUAD sophomore refused to get out of bed in order to attend the midnight birthday celebration held in her honor. A group of nearly twenty people bearing balloons and a vanilla-frosted chocolate cake with her name spelled out in M&Ms of her favorite color knocked on the victims door shortly after midnight.

EXCLUSIVE: This past Thursday night, two NYUAD students, who have requested they remain unnamed, achieved the seemingly impossible, the likes of which have never been seen before in the Sama Tower community. The libidinous gamechangers, to borrow accepted clinical terminology, did the horizontal tango without anyone finding out. The lack of anonymity and privacy on campus has been a constant source of grief for students eager to get it on without the entire school getting in on it. Countless couples, hoping to preserve the last shreds of discretion, have fallen prey to Sextons Army - an elite student-run vigilante network of informants and gossipmongers. An anonymous source revealed to The Chickpea that formal dinners are carefully calibrated mating rituals, and that the window-washers are in fact former KGB spies hired by John Sexton to keep tabs on students romantic entanglements.

HEALTH

Study finds Open Mic nights discriminatory towards talentless

The study found the emptiness in their that the behavior called talentless hearts, these talent, is only present in students often succumb binge-eating the certain students. Students to who do not demonstrate myriad pizza and baked such behavior were goods just to feel a of something, classified as either talent- part study says. challenged or more the Since the studys severely talentless. I knew this was publication, dozens of a problem, Rogerson talentless students and said, but I didnt advocates on behalf of the know how significant talentless have spoken out. One diagnosed the problem was. talentless O n e sophomore half of the admitted to student body considering has received I just dont finding a diagnosis have talent... some sort of talentof talent. challenged, How does Ive and a Open Mic s i n c e staggering include me? realized, one in five though, that students Erik Rogerson I dont need has been to change, diagnosed as Slow said. totally and T h i s completely t a l e n t l e s s . isnt my fault. Its system, man. According to the the No comment as yet study, these talentless students often report from talent-prone students feelings of neglect or the Talent Gestapo in and inadequacy. To fill charge of Open Mic.

One of the members of the elitist Talented overlords performs for the student body while members of the diagnosed Talentless proletariat look on enviously.

A recent study concluded that Open Mic nights are in fact unfair and discriminatory towards talentless students. The study, which has sent shockwaves through the NYUAD community surveyed

the two-year tradition of Open Mic night, which had its 2012-2013 debut on Friday, October 12. Psychology major Erik Rogerson began his investigation after attending one of last years Open Mic nights where Rogersons

lack of ability to play an instrument, sing, dance, write poetry, or tell jokes effectively disqualified him, he said. I just dont have talent, he said. Like, really, no talent at all. And so I ask, how does Open Mic include me?