A publication for subversive political satire and the promotion of counterhegemonic5discourse

91 OUT, 24 IN.
The RA Scheme is Facing next year's positions remain Collapse as barely a quarter of unfilled or if the Guild is positions received any considering making any candidates in the upcoming RA concessions relating to the RAs elections. This follows strong grievances. However attacks on the scheme from nominations have been current RAs, one of whom for reopened and top Guild instance described their role as Accelerationist Robo Robertson slaves... used as free labour to has been entrusted with the sort out the paperwork and task of rectifying the situation; accused the Guild of tricking so we're sure that everything students into taking up the role will turn out fine. Vive. by l(ying) about what the year ahead will entail. Then, just chang(ing) everything about the job description while they're in the job. The calamitous drop in applications can also be attributed to several RAs having declared at the last ResExec meeting that they will not publicise the elections as VPDR TIRES OF DEMOCRACY instructed to, and indeed many We deny you of them shun dissuaded students We have any power to currency! Or from running telling them the job dictate when is charge twiceOther awful. complaints Birminghams Premier Anarcho-Syndicalist Taxi Collective up! we pick you includethe diabolical attempt to the recommended 01675 1. organise a (now-cancelled) 436900 fare! Christmas ball and 250,000 of

ChomskyCabs

Trustee Board Chair to University Refuses to Cut Receive Honorary Doctorate Emotional Ties With Fallen
since the university so values the aggressive pushing of reactionary policies in the face a popular opposition, it is fitting that it has decided to award Andrew VallanceOwen an Honorary Doctorate. His delightful handling of the "Admin Error" incident particularly demonstrates his managerial credentials amongst a crowd of otherwise incompetent wannabeputschists. Vallance-Owen (AVO) has long been a character in Guild politics. He was elected President of the Guild in 1974 in the midst of a mass rent-strike from students in halls demanding that rents be reduced (the university later agreed to cut rates by 30%), and during his term was removed from office after General Meeting passed a Vote of No Confidence in him due to his perceived undermining of the strike. This ordeal appears to have left long-lasting scars on him, in recent meetings with Reclaim the Guild campaigners he seemed bizarrely over-concerned that allowing General Meetings may lead students pass Votes of No Confidence against Presidents (democratic accountability, the horror!). AVO's term began four years of consecutive Tory-control of the Guild, which only came to an end in 1977 when the thenPresident resigned after allegations of breaking election rules. The subsequent by-election was then won by a Dalek, who was controversially not permitted to take office. AVO has since went onto become a director of the private healthcare company BUPA
Hated tyrant David Eastwood has had the Clocktower turned green to commerate the first anniversary of the passing of Libyan dictator Colonel Muammar Gaddafi. This latest development comes after both regimes were condemned by Amnesty International for human rights abuses. Rumours Class Traitors in the Guild: that most next innocent year's unknown to will students at freshersUniversity all the of Birmingham, receive an ostensible there is a copy of class traitor Thetheir Guild Officer on Green Book in their TIME Magazine Team. Readers of Welcome Packs are may recall its 2007 as list of yet the unconfirmed. worlds most 100 influential people an entry for someone who Upon In an era of global capital interrogation markets, there can be few better suited to running a stock by exchange than...undercover Clara Furse. r(td) operatives Simon Furse claimed that his Auntie Clara However, suspicions regarding massively Simon Furses hates me and true loyalties remain. r(td) refuses like to would to extend an official greeting to all give me any upper-class students presents.turned socialists: your probable eventual betrayal and reversion to your former ways has been anticipated, planned for, and 2. shall not be forgiven.

Regime

Page three misogyny

With the Women's Officer having resigned in September and the post being empty until by-election results this week, men from all across campus have exploited this window of opportunity to let themselves go. However first prize must go to failed Zionist activist Ben Eliad for his impassioned defence of the inalienable right of men to banter. Misogynists of the world, salute this LAD!

Bringing Class War Into the Class Room

On returning from the polo last weekend (rest assured the lowbred opposition were given a thorough thrashing) I heard rumours that students had been arguing in favour of abolishing public schools at the Guilds Activist Training event. I am ashamed to have went to the same institution as these riotous threateners of social order. What these people dont recognise is that there will always be us and them. Its been that way for hundreds of years and theyre not going to change it. Private schools are necessary because in any society there must be a stable hierarchy with strong competent leadership, and those best qualified to provide that leadership are those privileged few who were raised in privileged homes, and thus by granting those deserving children a highlyfunded top quality education they can be properly socialised into being the great leaders of tomorrow. They must learn a

children are to be the working classes, and thus must go to different schools better tailored for their needs. They must learn discipline, punctuality and the importance of following seemingly irrational instructions to the tee without question. This will mold an effective work force, who know their place. When you start allowing social mobility to occur you get people disloyal to the social order raising to positions of power and influence. This only encourages people to start questioning the legitimacy of our societys hierarchical structure, which cannot be 3. allowed to take place. Look at the French Revolution. They

Student Left Incompetence Exposed

Gideon Comes to Campus Student activists were spectacularly outmanoeuvred by Brother Leader astwood earlier this term. Whilst dozens of students were attending the G4S expo/TUC demonstration in the city centre, Gideon Osborne spent the sunny Sunday afternoon safely frolicing with astwood on campus without a single picketer. The march itself included another amazing blunder as a Defend Education member was tricked into holding a paper for Workers Hammer; a cult committed to combating 1. capitalism, 2. age of consent laws and 3. bogus rape accusations. DefEd Members, who have often expressed angry opposition to Gideons policies, were livid that such an opportunity slipped through their fingers. Questions are being asked about their intelligence gathering capabilities - is it truly possible that they could be unaware that the Chancellor of the Exchequer was receiving a grand tour of their very own Power Outages Are Still Hitting the University a week after institution? When asked about being outsmarted in such an the suspected Anarcho-Franklinite attack on the Selly Oak embarrassing manner, VPE Simon Furse refused to give a substation, with university commissars issuing instructions to comment. The press office of the Guild has told us that Mr Furse ration electricity usage for the benefit of the Jamahiriyyah. In has recently travelled to Finland to be in close proximity to the addition to r's amazing report on this (including details that could NUS national demo next week. only be known by looking out the window) r(td) can also reveal that the blackouts have damaged expensive experiments in the Physics department due to the university's Uninterruptible Power Supply having failed, delaying the work of many PhD Physics students. Computers are still down in the Gisbert Kapp building and University Centre and Staff House. The university's rapid expansion in the last decade has left it increasingly dependent on Selly Oak 4. for electricity, despite having its own power station that once serviced the entire university. Whilst supportive of direct

r(td)adical redesign.
We were incredibly keen to be indepth about the reasoning behind the redesign of our revolutionary publication has undergone over the summer months but unfortunately the editors have only allowed to use 25% of the available article space because 90% of our audience is between 18-23 years old. As far as we are aware the rest of this article will be filled in by the editors.

who gained over 20% of last year Presidential vote running on an electoral platform of Agrarian Reform gave a final interview to r(td) before departing on an epic voyage in his van. He was the only choice for President, yet Birmingham students weren't ready. His van crossed the horizon on a Friday sunset, where he will be hunting for lands where all cats are fed organic milk and clocktowers have slides preinstalled. He shall return one day. Jack reiterated in with a final flourish that it is VPDR TIRES OF DEMOCRACY not a matter of when he's elected, it's when I seize 5. control. This to Content r can't think of and aren't allowed publication think of. shall continue in its attempt

Farewell Comrade Kearns

Comrade

Jack

Kearns,

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