Robert Bonomo 210 Murray Court Jupiter, Florida 33458 Tel. (561) 694-0054 Email: robert_bonomo@hotmail.com 47.

000 Words

THE END OF THE TRIP

By Robert Bonomo

Casas de Don Gonzalo March 1997

For Jim Osborne

..And until we meet again May God hold you in the hallow of His Hand. An Old Irish Blessing

PART I

Chapter I
Parker had a plan, it came to him while he was in the shower; rarely was Parker without a plan and less often did his plans work. He tucked his polo shirt into his jeans and walked into the kitchen, his mother on a stool leaning against the Formica counter watching one of the morning news programs, drinking and womens health that mornings topic. Better hurry, your going to be late. Wrapped in a knee length robe, she handed Parker a piece of toast as he headed out the door, her face tired, her jet black hair pulled at a scar visible just below the hairline. What time will you be home? After practice. Than Ill make a paella on the barbecue. The image of the round rice lifted him as he swallowed the piece of toast, pushing in the car lighter as he rolled out of the driveway, the radio filled the car with dated love songs as Parker returned to his plan. The excuse of an oil leak would free him from his first period class for at least fifteen minutes, allowing him to go to the home economics kitchen to look for misplaced notes, cooking would be going on and it would be a chance to talk to his Christina.

Each of the eight kitchenettes, four on both sides of the room, had a sink, four burners and an oven. Across from this setup stood a counter leaving enough room between for two people to sit on stools. She gazed lazily at the counter, not focusing on the apple she was peeling while Parkers eyes danced to and from her, hoping for a reaction. Her wavy black hair fell almost to her shoulders, the nose curved out and down toward large open lips filling out an oval face. A small birthmark rose out of the end of her cheekbone and a hint of yellow streaked her olive eyes. The complexion was definitely Latin but the roundness in her face betrayed northern blood. Parker moved in and out of the kitchenettes, cutting a nervous path to his beloved, she continued to peel, the empty stool by her side beckoning him, the outrageous colors of her clothes chilling his burning heart. His mothers eyes occasionally revealed the moor and in Christina he could sometimes make out the Indian, it was a moribund fascination for young, wildly wealthy innocence raised in countries of extreme poverty; it made them more innocent instead of more guilty. Her clothes, however, were disappointing. Purple jeans hinted at young fleshy thighs, mature breasts lifted the loose white sweater and her shoes matched the color of her jeans, he preferred to think of it as a reflection of navet. He didnt look at her or say hello, too preoccupied about his notes. The desired response was compassion, she politely looked up from the apple. Hi Parker. He was sure she knew he was up to his pitiful tricks. Im looking for some notes I left here yesterday when I was studying with John. He considered a tactical retreat. What are you making? A bit obvious he thought as he said it. An apple pie.

You dont have those were you come from, do you?. No, but we have other things. Did you ever have a paella? Oh, I love paella. We had a maid who made it with mussels and shrimp. It was great. My mothers making one tonight, why dont you come over? She makes them on the barbecue with a wood fire, just like they do in Spain. I told you she was Spanish, didnt I? He was looking for a way to let her not answer, knowing it sailed from his mouth unconvincingly, hearing the tone of every word he said. You told me. She paused. Id love to but I promised Flavia I would go to the movies with her. * The Fletcher Academy was the premier prep school in South Florida; a girls and boys dormitory made up part of the more than thirty acre complex of red brick buildings and well manicured quadrangles and fields. Almost all its graduates went to college and it prided itself on how many went to Ivy League schools. A parking lot full of BMWs and high SAT scores were the two pillars upon which its reputation was built. The euphoria of the morning contrasted with the solemnity of the afternoon, the mood swings of an adolescent in love. The shame of the ridiculous wore off as the morning extended into afternoon, he decided to do what came instinctually, ignore her. He strode across the parking lot toward his red Camaro and noticed how early it got dark since the clock was moved back, the orange emergency lights of the high school hallway gaining protagonism while the sun raced to the horizon under the Everglades. The shower had relaxed his muscles after one of the

first basketball practices of the season; he was still sore but at least he felt good instead of just exhausted. He enjoyed feeling sorry for himself and looked forward to the paella that he would enjoy on the patio in the fine night that had appeared. * A complex relation between water, heat and time is the source of a good paella. In paella, as in most Spanish rice dishes, the rice is cooked along with the rest of the ingredients, allowing it to absorb the flavor of what it is being cooked in. Creating the correct ratio of rice to liquid and cooking it at the right amount of heat so it comes out en su punto without being overdone is the key to success. Paella Valenciana is made with chicken, rabbit, green beans and a type of white bean from Valencia. The meat is fried than later mixed with the vegetables, the water added and the rice cooked over wood from orange trees, giving it a smoky flavor. In the provinces south of Valencia, Alicante and Murcia, the variety of combinations increases and there is less rigidity in the methodology. Many would argue that the best rice dishes are from Alicante. Parkers mother, Lola, came from the region south of Alicante, Murcia, were the rice and the people are less orthodox. What Parker most enjoyed about his mothers paellas was that he never knew what the ingredients would be. He sat on a patio chair drinking a beer while she labored over the circular barbecue, carefully moving the flaming sticks from around the metal paella in order to keep the flame at the desired level. On a small circular table next to the barbecue sat a still steaming pot of fish broth that would be added to cook the rice, a half full glass of wine by its side. I talked to your aunt Agueda today, she called from Sevilla. What is she doing in Sevilla? She was there visiting some friends. She said she was going to come for Christmas.

Is she bringing anyone? No, shes coming alone. Itll be nice to have some company. Six years separated the sisters and Parker looked forward to seeing her as much as his mother did. The beer bottle sweat profusely on the patio table while he poured wine into his mothers glass. An untrained eye would have said that the rice was burning but he knew better than to interfere with her cooking. Almost there? A few more minutes. Lola eyed the barbecue as if she were mad at it; her black hair fought her forehead while she squinted at the rice, lighting a cigarette with a flaming twig as the anger passed. Its ready, clear the table and cover it with a newspaper. They ate directly from the pan, Lola sucked the head of a shrimp before she peeled it; shells and heads littered the pan, they had eaten silently. Im thinking of going back to Spain once you go to college. Parker had heard this before; she often said it when she hadnt been home in a few years. Do you think we could afford a place on the coast? I think so, if I get enough for the house. Maybe Ill put it up for sale after Christmas. I want to see what Agueda thinks. * Parker had forgotten about Christina during the meal, putting off some homework, he wanted to increase the pleasure. The master bedroom and Parkers room were separated by the

entire house, creating a buffer to play music and smoke. He had locked the door before opening his fathers shotgun; the smell of marijuana and gun oil peaking his senses while Led Zeppelins Houses of the Holy orchestrated the rolling and lighting of the joint, the only light coming from

the power button on the stereo. He held the smoke in his lungs as long as he could, the physical pleasure he felt didnt allow him to think about Christina even though he wanted to, all he could imagine were the dry and barren mountains of his mothers country.

Chapter II
The faint smell of methane spread through the room like incense, the spiral spouts rose out of the bench tops selecting every third or fourth student to their phallic sect while the esoteric drone of electrons jumping orbits had Parker in a trance. How was your weekend? Michael asked.

It was all right, we played volleyball down by the strip on Saturday and then we did some partying Saturday night. How about you? I spent most of the weekend at Kaplan. I thought the SATs were in the spring? Most people take them in the spring but I want get a test run through. I really want to break 1400. Youve got to get into that Ivy League school and be a doctor. Michael and Parkers worlds converged only on the basketball court. A student with an Irish face had walked into the class and handed a note to the teacher, Parker collected his books and left, Michael grinning. Lets party, dude. Where did you get the notes? I was handing them out from the principals office the other day and I snagged a couple extra blank ones. The muffler on Johns 1974 Chevy Nova had a whole in it, the 350 cubic inch motor sounding like a B-17. They drove to the parking lot of restaurant that was a railroad car, not seeing anything suspicious about two high school age boys in an empty parking lot at 9:30AM on a school day. From under his seat John removed a large bong while Parker took a bag of marijuana from his sock. He poured a one pint carton of lemonade into the bong to serve as a coolant. After closing the liquid container, John took the bag of dope and prepared a hit for Parker; the two working and smoking in silence.

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He held the hit in as long as he could, the cool smoke easy on his lungs, feeling himself getting high almost immediately. Did I tell you that I asked Christina over for dinner and she dogged me? John dreaded the topic of Christina. No, you didnt, what happened? My mom was making a paella, so I was talking to Christina and I asked her if she wanted to come over and she said she was going to the movies with that roommate of hers. Maybe she had already made plans, you know how Flavia is. She would go nuts if Christina left her hanging like that, shes got to live with her. I guess. The effects of the bong hits were in full force, his defenses low. John, you think Ill ever get anywhere with her. He was tempted to tell him the truth, but the question made it impossible. You never know, I mean, these South Americans are real into their families and their own kind, you know what I mean. John noticed the expression on Parkers face change. But ah, every time I see her she always talks about you and stuff, dude, I think you just got to work a little harder at it. Yeah. said Parker, now in a full daze. Lets go get a six-pack He felt the warmth of the sun on his face and the cold of the beer can on his hand, the sun light dancing on the smoke as he exhaled. Woo dude, I think we just had a time space illusion. exclaimed John. Totally. Finish your beer and well go over to the Harp. The open door revealed an oasis from the intense light, the spirits surrounded by an oval wood bar with a vinyl cushion trim, in the dim light the Declaration of the Irish Republic and a 11

photograph of John L. Sullivan barely visible. You boys are 19, arent ya, cant have the sheriff coming in to haul you off. The napkins rotated to their resting places beside them, the lanky, balding bartender looked as if he was going to collapse. What will it be? The forces of darkness overcame tremendous odds in their battle for primacy in the pint glasses. They observed the battle closely, intervening at its conclusion to drink the victor while leaving some good on their lips. You know, Parker, I love getting fucked up. So do I. Your father was Irish, right. Scotch-Irish The bartender sighed, shaking his head. We need to support the IRA, the PLO and the ANC. We are all brothers in arms. He reached for an ice tea. You cant take someones land, humiliate him and expect to solve everything over Martinis. Bombs and more bombs till weve got what we want. John was exuberant, he loved the rebel talk and the bartender knew he left large tips for a good performance. Can you put on that tape of rebel songs? Sure lad. They spoke below the chorus of the first song, And the Black n Tans, Like lightning ran, from the rifles of the IRA. Hey, Parker, you think you would do acid if I got some? Definitely, Id do any drug you put in front of me. What about heroin? Id do it, maybe not shoot it, but definitely snort it or smoke it. 12

Man, we gotta try all the drugs possible, get every kinda trip we can. Two more Guinness lads? They were ecstatic and miles from their prep school. Parker put down his pint glass after a healthy gulp and continued. Lets make a pact, to try every drug possible. John lifted his glass and the two drank to their futures. * Parker left the cafeteria alone, the Ray-Ban aviators large on his face, he walked across the quadrangle that faced the cafeteria after having eaten three chicken fried steaks to quell the munchies. He began to think about algebra class; he hadnt seen Christina since she had declined his dinner invitation. The bell rang as he turned the corner onto the hall, the horizontal rhythm of her walk immediately recognizable. He followed her legs as they left the confines of her jeans skirt, the thighs, the calves, the thin ankles; he loved the ankles. She looked up at him and smiled as he sat behind her. Once sitting down he could appreciate her neck and hair without pretense, he felt the urge to touch the fleshy back of her arm. Parker, you smell like beer. You can tell? She nodded. Who were you drinking with? John, we went to the Harp for a few drinks during lunch. Arent you afraid youll get caught Naah He could tell she still felt like talking; act aloof.

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Do you know what hes doing? Ill figure it out later. He said dryly. Things were going his way, they didnt speak for several minutes. How was the paella the other night? Great. Was she on to him? Id love to come some other time, its just that Id promised Flavia to go to the movies with her and, you know, she was really looking forward to it. Parker nodded and smiled. Im serious, you dont believe me? I believe you, I mean you two hardly ever see each other. Very funny. It worked out just as planned.

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Chapter III
The locker room stood across a patio from the gym, one large shower with ten nozzles, three rows of lockers, benches beside them, urinals and toilets. The most notable aspect of the locker room was its smell; the components were obvious but the result transcended its origins. Parker sat on the bench and put on two pair of tub socks before carefully and tightly tying his high tops. He threw the rest of his things into the locker and crossed the patio toward the gym. The recently resurfaced gym floor smelled of new, the empty building echoing the bouncing leather ball. Parker leapt, the ball rolled backwards off his right hand; his pinkie betrayed him, off the side of the rim. Two dribbles and a leap, too strong, off the back of the rim, a stellar disturbance. The first practices of the season were crucial, they set the tone for the rest of the campaign, reinforcing the coachs ideas of the strengths and weaknesses of each player. Parker was not fighting to make the team, he was battling for a starting position. After an hour of basic drills the head coach, a calm southerner named Drew McDuffy, called the players to a meeting. Look guys, height we dont have and a lot muscle we dont have either. Weve got to take advantage of our speed. His hands deep in his pockets, his look artificially intense. The fast

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break can open up a game, finish off an opponent or get you into a game that you are behind in. But you need discipline, speed and good defense to make it work. A sloppy attempt at a fast, open game can get you behind very quickly. Parker stood at the top of the key waiting, the crescendo of the bouncing ball broke his silence as Michael dribbled toward him, another player approaching from the other side. Its the dilemma of the goalie defending against a penalty kick, guess or react. Parker hesitated, then lunged. What the hell was that, Parker? Barked Drew. Didnt I tell you to wait, to make the ball handler commit. You people need to listen. He nodded in agreement holding his hands to his knees half in rejection, half trying to catch his breath. The two-one-two zone defense baited the attacker into apparent openings then collapsed on him, goading the second team offense into shooting from long range. Parker received the ball from the point guard, feigned the return pass, and fell into the trap. He lunged passed two defenders and held his dribble, leaping toward the basket when the middle defender stripped him of the ball before he could attempt a shot. The whistle blew. Thats how to stop a penetration, good job. Let them think they have an opening than shut them down. Break into pairs and take fifty foul shots each. * Just enough of the orange light of dusk reflected off the green, manicured lawn to brake through the three quarters closed Venetian blinds and illuminate the floating dust. He lay flat on his back alone in the house. His mother was out for several hours and he rejoiced in the silence and the light. It changed quickly and as the darkness advanced the relaxation left him to think about taking a pill.

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The plastic cap slid out from the end of the hollow metal tube that weighted down the blinds, six yellow pills appearing out of an unwrapped tissue. As his mother refilled the prescription, Parker continued to pilfer, the Valium relaxing him without ever giving the strong effect he was looking for. He slipped the album from under the picture of Von Karajan with a towel on his shoulder. He lay in bed, in total darkness except for the red light emanating from the stereo. He began to feel the slight effects of the Valium and the desire to daydream. They came in waves, appearing from nowhere, he would spend weeks refining and editing one until it lost focus and faded. There were periods, some times weeks and even months, when he could not find one that worked amidst vain attempts to rehash old ones or invent new ones. * Her thighs pulled back and forth as she walked toward the house, watching her between the crack in the closed curtains. The road approached the driveway and she suddenly veered toward the front door. A knock. Can I come for a second? Its that Doberman pincher again from down the street, it terrifies me Sure Sue , come on in. Sometimes instead of the Doberman pincher it was a cramp in her calf that brought her. Would you like a drink of water? Parker would ask. She would sit down on the couch in the living room and he would put the glass of water on the coffee table, legs crossed and breasts sweaty under a white tennis shirt, a drop of sweat rolling down her neck. You walk every day, dont you?

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Cant you tell? She said as she lifted her crossed leg up. Feel how strong my calves are. Parker would feel the smooth skin tight around the calf muscle and then turn his hand over onto her thighs. Parker, please, dont. He could feel the muscle under the skin, the climax of the fantasy though not the end. Oh Parker please. She would moan as he kissed her stomach and lifted her shirt up and over her head, kissing her cleavage as he lowered her bra. Parker, please dont. She would say with more authority as she pulled her bra up and put her shirt back on. Im sorry this happened, it was my fault. She would leave hurriedly. * This fantasy had been effective for more than two weeks and he was very happy with it. The only drawback was the initial entry; the dog attack and the cramp both seemed forced. He knew that an initial doubt or confusion in a fantasy could put it out of commission permanently. The Valium were good with the Brandenburg Concertos. Parker liked Bach because he gave order and dignity to a universe that often seemed vulgar and random, but Bach was too orderly and lacked the sufficient dissonance for Christina. He couldnt dream of Christina listening to Bach, she was pure Beethoven. Even though the music was wrong the Valium was right. She seemed smooth and supple. Parker never fantasized about Christina in a sexual way. Not even a kiss. The only type of contact he imagined with her was holding her hand, all the energy that his love produced would be transmitted through a touch of the hand. All the rest happened but he didnt want nor was he able to imagine making love to her.

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The Valium had made him feel good enough to want to fell better. He left one, soft light on in the house to maintain the spell, crossing her room going directly for the cabinets in the bathroom. A torrent of medicinal odors jumped out at him as he opened the door and removed four Valium from a new bottle. A faint, fear instilling aroma of his father combined with perfumes and tobacco. His fathers dresser exposed his mothers slips and nightgowns, he knew he was trespassing, bathing suits, shorts, it was a morbid search without an end. He fingered through his mothers dresses and blouses and looked between the shoe boxes on the shelf above the hangers. Most of the boxes were either empty or had platform shoes in them. A small, white cardboard box stood out curiously behind the rest. Parker anxiously opened it to find two prescription bottles, one had never been opened: Demerol. The dates on the prescriptions were five years old, a few months before his father died of cancer: the jackpot. The house was in complete darkness except for one small cone shaped light on Parkers night table. After having placed all of his pills in their appropriate places he lay back again on his bed. There was music playing, the light on the stereo shining ominously. He began to run through a mental inventory of his drugs: the pills in the hollow of the venetian blind, marijuana in his shotgun, beer in the refrigerator, an open bottle of wine in the kitchen and his cigarettes beside him. The sour taste of the pills was washed back with wine. The bass of the music rose his spirit high, in spite of the synthetic aids, it felt authentic. The pillows held his neck and the sheets massaged his chest. The gas fumes rose as he lit a cigarette, the smoke entered deep and left

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softly. He felt very close to her, the feeling of being with her must be something like what he felt; but it was easier to take the pills.

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Chapter IV
A bottle of wine stood on the table between the chatter of the sisters, Agueda had risen at the sound of the door and walked toward Parker. A tingling returned to him from his youth, a sensation that was new to him when he had first seen her, he had forgotten her face but remembered the birthmark. Firm thighs raced through faded jeans, a thick necklace pointed to the low cut blouse. Two kisses. Her voice was huskier than his mothers. Agueda filled Parkers glass, It looks like we are going to spend a few days together. Remember Susan Norman, our neighbor when we lived in Connecticut? You were small but we continued being friends. Well, her husband died, your fathers friend from work, she called and Im going to have to go up for the funeral. Its bad timing but Ill be back in a day or two. You think you can miss a day of school and take Agueda to Miami? Sure, no problem, just write a note saying we had to go to a funeral. I didnt know she was such a good friend of yours. You were small. We were both lonely up there and we became very close. When your father died she came down and was a real comfort to me. Dont worry Lola, Parker and I will have a good time. Oh, I guess you didnt hear, remember Luis, he had a motorcycle accident and is in a wheelchair.

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Lola shook her head and looked down. You see this scar I have on my forehead? It was from a motorcycle accident with Luis. He was crazy. He would get all drugged up and drive like a maniac. He had never heard the details surrounding the scar. What did he do? Asked Parker. He lived off his parents, they had a lot of land. I think he finally wound up running the farms. Remember that summer when we all lived in the main house? Lola smiled. His parents lived in Madrid and only used the house for vacations. So one year Luis, your Aunt, myself, and some friends installed ourselves there. What did you do? We raised chickens, lived on the farm in general, we even picked lettuce once. Lola filled the glasses, smiling young. That lasted long. Parker had never heard his mother talk that way. What did your dad say? Our dad was a little out of it. He drank a lot and was not real responsible, it was our grandmother, Juana, that looked after us and paid for our college, maintained us in general after mom died. Explained Agueda. My God, do you remember when grandma Juana came to see the apartment in Madrid that we had when we were studying? What happened?

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We had the walls all painted with graffiti Franco this, Franco that, Viva Castro, pictures of Che. Your grandmother was a monarchist and even though she didnt love Franco she preferred him to the alternative. And she was very Catholic. added Agueda. What did she do when she saw the place? She threatened to call the Guardia Civil and have everybody arrested. We finally convinced her that it was someone new who had just moved in and that we were going to kick him out right away. She was very erratic, but she would take us to very good restaurants for lunch or take us to the beach for a week in the summer. I hated her. Blustered Agueda. She wasnt an easy women to live with. Said Lola, sitting up. She sure loved John, being a military man and all. I think she just preferred men. Parker wondered what was in the stare. Right wing conservative men, I remember once her telling one of the farmhands about the wonderful summers she spent on the farm in the forties, he had spent the better part of the forties in jail. She was incredible. But dont you think Spain was better off with Franco than with the others? Parker, we were like some bad third world movie. If you got caught in a demonstration they would take your passport. Everything was censured. We had to go to France to see Last Tango in Paris, we were ridiculous.

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Grams side won and she wound up living well because of it. Interrupted Lola. But at what cost. The repression, the prisons, the hypocrisy, the priests. Parker remembered his father calling the two sisters Gucci Communists and that they wouldnt know a day of work if it hit them on the head. He was probably right but there was something sexy about the Euro, progressive red women. They were unpredictable and maintained their contradictions better than the men. How is Chema? Asked Lola about Aguedas eternal on and off boyfriend. Hes working on an exhibition. Howd the last one go? He sold two or three pieces, but he doesnt really want to work. Some people from good galleries wanted to work with him , but its the same old story. The same old story was heroin. Im tired from the flight, Im going to have to sleep. Parker wished they would have continued. Youll drive me to the airport tomorrow, all right, my flight is at eleven thirty in the morning. You dont have any tests or anything, do you? Parker knew that missing two days of practice would, at this point, make it very difficult for him to win a starting spot. * They dropped Lola off at the airport curb. Agueda looked at him with big black eyes and he noticed the silhouette of her breasts in the tank top. Boy, its hot here. You know what Id like, some shrimp or those crabs you have here. Stone crabs?

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Right, and a couple of beers. The Rustic Inn was on an inland marina west of the interstate, recalling an older, different South Florida. Who would not rather have crabs and beer instead of going to school. I always hated school but your mother was different. She studied hard. It was a shame she never finished her degree. If it wasnt for your fathers transfer she would have finished. Didnt he want her to finish it? Well, he did but when the army transferred him he had no choice but to go to the States, you know he was very serious about his military career. He knew she wasnt being sincere. The smell of diesel fuel mingled with the dirty canal water and the intense odor of crabs. The waitress placed the pitcher of beer and the garlic crabs on the table revealing the I eatm raw on her tee-shirt. Next came steamed shrimp, stone crabs and oysters, the Old Bay overcoming the diesel fuel. The medium size crabs burst out of the cracked shells, fresh and full. Parker cracked open a crab claw and the shell came apart easily, a complete claw with a light pink color. Agueda, take this one. She devoured it. How bout another dozen oyster and a pitcher of beer? She asked. Parker was already feeling the effects of the first one, it was more difficult not looking below her eyes. Her fork lifted the flaky crust of the key lime pie to her full lips. Walking to the parking lot he wondered what was next. Can we get a drink somewhere? It was three in the afternoon and there were only five or six other people at the bar. The darkness was a welcome contrast to the light of the marina, the first symptoms of a hangover were setting in, the lanky bartender approached the booth expressionless. How are ya lad, what will it be?

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Ill have a Guinness. Id like a bourbon on the rocks. Do you think mom will ever go back to Spain? I dont know, the Lola I knew in Spain has changed a lot over the years here in America. Your mom was different, she cared about things that I dont think she cares about anymore. What do you mean? We were against everything, we were rebels. She has become the bourgeois, military widow. I dont know if she wants to go back to where she was different. It wasnt a sudden fall or the beginning of a procession of monotonous monologues. She just became more frank, she had a long way to go. Your against all this, arent you? Of course I am, and so was your mom. Coca-Cola, McDonalds, F-15s, Dallas and all the sacred multinationals. Parker was fascinated by her. He had never heard anybody attack his country that way, but instead of angering him the taboo excited him. But Agueda, every culture imposes itself on those that it conquers. Look what the Spanish did to South America. We havent done anything that extreme. But now we know better, there is enough abundance in the world for us to all live decently, protecting our own cultures while interchanging at the same time. I dont think technology is gong to change the course of history, the winners will always have it their way. But look at these strip malls, these food chains, the hamburger stands, the fat people. Do you really think this is were we want to go? Tell the truth, wouldnt you rather live in Spain. 26

Most of the time. But I think you are more one of us than one of them. You didnt like my dad, did you? We were very different. He didnt approve of a lot I did or said, he was a military officer. The funny part was that most of what I thought and said was the same as your mother, but he didnt see it that way. She had a different way of saying things. Was mom really that wild? Afraid of the answer. No, I was much worse. He compared her to Christina, and apart from the birthmark there was little in common. Her age and experience were marked on her face and mind, which was agile and original. Parkers body became loose and he drank without thirst, Agueda had another drink, becoming more animated. This country is good for making money, for people who have no where else to go. But you have a rich background. Well get Lola to sell the house and come back and live in Spain were you both belong. Parker looked up from his drink. This place isnt mine, it is someone elses, Ive always felt that way. When Im in Murcia I feel like Im home, like Im were I should be. But Florida, is the Indians land, not the white mans. I think thats why I never feel right here. This country is difficult, and I know what you mean, there is something strange about it. Like everyone is trespassing. She finished her bourbon. It was five-thirty. He put the wine in the freezer, he was hungry and felt like cooking. He fondled a beer on the patio while the grill got hot, Christina far away. While cutting the zucchini into strips he

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looked up from the cutting board to see his aunts bikini top and terry cloth shorts, her mature, thin hands gripping a humid bottle of wine. How we doing? Im just waiting for the grill to get hot. I forgot the bottle opener. He changed into a bathing suit and returned to Agueda drinking a glass of wine behind her crossed legs in the last minutes of dusk. The zucchini strips sizzled on the grill, the salt shining on the white meat, the swordfish steaks moist beside them. The aroma filled the silence through the last moments of the day. Two large ficus hedges angled down toward the dock protecting the deck, a figure eight pool sunk into the center of the patio. The houses on the other side of the canal were too far away to infringe on the intimacy, night falling on the lone patio light. She squeezed the last drop into his glass. What had seemed sensual became absolutely alluring, the body moved with confidence and swing, a fresh bottle in hand. The vegetable exploded with smoky flavor, the raw center of the fish split upon pressure from the tongue. A quick glance at her bikini top. She noticed it and worried, she knew how she got when she drank. Do you want an orange? Thanks. She stared into the refrigerator, strangely big, almost ominous, wondering whether Parker smoked marijuana. Ill bet there are a lot of drugs down here, with the South Americans and all. She said as she peeled the orange. Lots, wanta smoke a joint. Id love to. Do you have any? Yup, why dont I roll one and we can go down to the dock and smoke it.

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The neighbors wont say anything? No, with the lights out I do it all the time. Her thigh spread on the rough sea wall touching his. A mullet jumped out of the water escaping a jack. Wow, this stuff is strong. It tastes strange, too, you dont tell me anything about your girlfriends. Theres not much to tell. There is a girl that Ive been kind of seeing. He lied. What is she like? Shes Argentinean, her parents are really wealthy. That would be great. You marry into a fortune and maintain the rest of us. He smelled her, he felt her thigh against his, wanting to rub the muscle, the only sound was the slight rocking of the current on the sea wall. She took the last drag than tossed it into the canal, a falling ring ending in darkness. You want to go swimming? asked Agueda excitedly and suddenly. Just to be able to touch her in the pool; the limits were getting blurry but Agueda stopped worrying about it. She recklessly threw her shorts and tee-shirt on a chair, he dove into the chilly water. How is it? she asked. Not to bad. She sat on the top of the steps that led into the pool, under water below her waist. A bit chilly. You get used to it. Parker walked up to his waist in water and gently reached out for her hand. She held it and he pulled her to him into the water as he walked backward toward the deep end, letting out deep breaths as she adjusted to the cool water while holding his hand. He 29

pulled her farther toward the deep end, she left her feet and began to glide, reaching out with her free hand to hold onto his shoulder in five feet of water. She slowly floated to him, wrapping her legs around his thighs, putting his left hand behind her as a support, his right hand on her breast. He looked into her dark eyes and the she began to kiss him. She kissed his cheeks, than his lips, then she kissed him with her long grainy tongue. She had given up thinking.

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Chapter V
The day began with a rare chill that the sun dissolved, the coolness returning with the late afternoon, the light and the falling temperature invigorating him. The initial few minutes of wearing yesterdays practice clothes were harrowing, in spite of the cold he stretched a little and felt loose. It was the fourth practice since Christmas break and the first game of the new year was three days away. The practices he had missed had left him on the second string, with limited playing time in the two games before Christmas. Drew didnt want the team to start the first game of the new year nervous, they would scrimmage, using a clock and Drew as referee to get them back into the real game mode after the vacation layover. Parker was well rested and calm, almost listless. Time moved slowly and he wondered if he was going to have the energy to play well. The ball left his hand effortlessly, the bottom of the net twitched as the ball passed through it. An easy leap for a lay-up and his palm uncharacteristically felt iron. The energy was hidden, applying itself with precision. Michael Myers and Greg Harris, both starters, running down the court toward the lone defender, Parker. Michael dumped off as Parker hinted at committing, Greg charged the basket for the lay-up. The action moved slowly, he leapt behind Greg to avoid contact and swatted the ball cleanly out of his hands. Nice defense Parker, Michael, make him commit more before passing. Shouted Drew. 31

The scoreboard and game clock lit up as a rush of cool air ran through the gym. I want this scrimmage to be a warm up for our game on Tuesday. Remember, no job here is secure. If anyone wants to gain more playing time this is a good chance. I want you to play with all the intensity of a real game and work on our basic offenses and defenses. First team put on the yellow shirts. Dr. Myers was pacing beside the bench ridiculously waiting for the game to start; he would coach the first team. He felt lethargic, as if he had just woken up after sleeping twelve hours. It took him a few possessions to get into the rhythm of the game, worried that it would go by him for a lack of energy. A lane opened up on the baseline, he eyed his point guard, filled the lane and the pass was there for the easy lay up. The defensive player stood three steps off Parker, giving him the twenty five foot jump shot. They left his hands like Ping-Pong balls, the net barely moving. He sat back on the baseline in a zone defense watching the ball rotate around the perimeter, the point guard imposed the rhythm, he felt four passes coming, slowly moving up the paint towards the foul line, leaving the baseline open. He leapt in anticipation of the pass, too late for Michael to turn back, nicking the ball with the end of his finger and sending it toward the opposite basket. Parker and Michael collided in a race for the ball leaving the point guard on the floor. No timing his steps, an angry leap, a height he had never known, silence, his wrists on the rim. Michael, dont telegraph your passes, you could see that coming from miles away. Nice job Parker. Shouted Dr. Myers. Good anticipation Parker, lets go, come on. Added Drew. Suddenly the game was tied. Dr. Myers called a time out and Drew acted as the head coach of the second team. Keep the zone real tight, make them take the jump shot. If we get

32

the rebound they are going to be looking for Parker. Fake the perimeter pass to him and when they react go inside to Ed for the easy basket. The ball ricochet around the zone, Gregs eyes betraying his intentions, the long jump shot bounced high off the back of the rim. Parker put his backside into the rebounder behind him and his shoulder into the one next to him, ripping the ball out of the air. He turned and dribbled down court, the faster Greg forcing him away from the basket. He reached the baseline fifteen feet from the basket, all his momentum taking him out of bounds. He put the ball above his head, Greg pushed him, sending him backwards and away from the basket as he released the ball. He could have hacked his arm off with a machete, it wouldnt have made a difference, Parker offered a sarcastic smile while Greg shook his head laughing. You pulled that one right out of your ass. * The voices of the day were hidden in the walls of the dark hallway. The dreams of decades of students whispering to him as he crossed the silent campus, the dead rising to smell the beginning of the night and reclaim their lost loves. Cut grass, shampoo, the peculiar smell of a cafeteria, for the first time that day he had nerves. A monitor met him in the lobby. Is Christina Alberdi in? Ill get someone to see. The attendant asked a girl in the TV room to look for her, she knew who he was. If she comes down it will be because she really wants to see me, he thought. He was tempted to check the register. The clock moved slowly, his mind wandered but his hands were dry and his pulse was slow. The large clock in the lobby had shown 7:10 PM when he arrived and it now had 7:16 PM. He got a glimpse of the girls in the TV lounge, a long hallway extending down from the reception with dormitory room doors on each side.

33

The image of Christina moved toward him expressionless, an embroidered sweater rose and fell with her, her features outlined below a light layer of makeup. She was looking directly at him but she was far enough for him to feel uncomfortable gesturing. She touched his wrist and kissed him on the cheek as if she were expecting him. What made you decide to come see me? Her voice invited him as she signed out of the reception register, the Chanel 5 following her like an angel. I had a good practice and I felt like seeing you. Where are we going? It hadnt occurred to him. I dont know, we can get something to eat if you want. Great. What do you like, seafood, steak, Italian, French? I love French food. Parkers mind raced, South Florida was especially difficult; the abundance of restaurants catered to retired North easterners who made up for their appalling palettes in disposable income. All of the ethnic cuisines blended into one; the only possibility was a small French restaurant run by a couple from Provene who hadnt lost their pride. I only know one good French restaurant in Ft. Lauderdale, Le Ferme. I was there once with my parents, it was excellent. He had no money. The credit card his mother had given him for Agueda, he was calm again; they knew him in the restaurant and there would be no problems. His 1976 red Camaro had a white vinyl interior and a melted plastic dashboard; he sensed she was used to a different kinds of car.

34

He fidgeted with the silverware, looking directly at her. The wine arrived mercifully. Where did you spend Christmas Vacation? We went to the Cayman Islands for a week. Must have been great. We had a gay wind surfer instructor, and all he did was tell my sisters and I about his love affairs. It was hysterical, he would show us the love letters and everything. Rafa, my sisters boyfriend, couldnt stand him, he thought he was going to do something to him. How many where you? Just the family and Rafa. The cold wine calming his nerves, deep breaths through his nose. I cant see you on a wind surfer, you dont seem like the surfing type. And what does the surfing type look like? Oh, blond, tan Ive got the tan, and I could always dye my hair blonde to fit the mold. Im a better water skier anyway. She ordered confidently. How was the night life? It was great. The only thing was that we had a bungalow right next to our parents. So when where came back a three or four in the morning, we had to be real careful coming in. He was already trying to remember it. Her whole world fascinated him. He wanted to know everything, jealous of everyone who had contact with her. Did she make love to them on the beach before going back to the bungalow

35

or did she just kiss them? Were they all wealthy and handsome? The wine lit up her face and eyes, her smile and smirks. What did you do for Christmas? My aunt came from Spain. We hadnt seen her in a while , we had a good time. My grandmother is from Spain What part? Almeria. A province just south of Murcia. Parker wondered what kind of family she came from. Her face reminded him of the shepherds children on his families farms. Do you have any family in Almeria? Her Pompano looked across the table at him, he detected a smile on the fish as she carefully removed the moist white meat from the bone. Some cousins or something, Im not sure, Ive never been there. Never to Spain! No Why not? I dont know. Weve always gone to France in the summer, our parents want us to learn French I guess, since we already know Spanish. One summer when Im in Spain youll have to come down . My family has a large farm. Ill take you to a bullfight. Oh, Id love to. But the poor animal. When a good torero kills well and you see the bull stumble, stagger sideways than its one thousand pounds collapse hard on the hot sand, its special. It releases the fear in you and makes

36

the night of fiestas more wild, more free. The last of the wine poured, a slight chill as the entree plates were removed. My other sister, Lisette, thinks it should be banned. But it is the bullfight itself that keeps the breed of fighting bulls alive. If it werent for the bullfights no one could afford to maintain the huge farms that fighting bulls need to breed. She looked into his eyes when he talked. It must be neat to see something so savage. The town gathers, the bull, a feared beast that will attack anything if it is alone, is taken out and killed. Its as if the evil beast is killed and town can go into fiestas and everyone gets drunk and has a wild time. Two souffls rose beside them. Theres another theory which I like more, its more romantic. And whats that one? she asked. Its that the bull represents the man , big , dark, beastly and the bullfighter the women, small, dressed in bright colors. The man , the bull, when he sees the women he wants, goes headstrong after her, trying to gore her, so to speak. She smiled. The women puts out the cape, the man charges it, but when her arrives its gone. Once the woman has the man where she wants him, tired, weak, frustrated, she takes out her sword and kills him. She took a sip of Parkers brandy. It reminds me of the festivals in the south of France. So you think it is the woman that controls the man, she is the one that leads? Her arm; dark, molded flesh, a silver bracelet hung to her wrist, he wanted to touch it. The skin darker around the thin knuckles.

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I think that its usually the case. Women dress up, put on makeup to attract the bull, and usually they dont fall immediately into his arms, there is a little bit of a dance, she rejects his first passes before giving in. What do you mean by giving in? He offered Christina a cigarette and lit them both. Your are very romantic, arent you? She took another sip of his brandy. I dont know. He lied. He imagined himself in the south of France laughing, drinking and living off the old mans money. What about you ? he asked. I dont think Ive met the right man yet. Ive had boyfriends and all but I havent had that one great love. But you never know, she continued when or how its going to happen. My sisters boyfriend Rafa was a friend of hers from school for a long time before they started going out. Nerves flared on the drive back. They walked toward the reception, a bench on the path to the dorm but he lacked the nerve. Things moved very quickly. Right before arriving to the door she turned rapidly. Parker, thank you for a wonderful evening. She kissed him on the cheek. Goodnight, Ill see you tomorrow.

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Chapter VI
The players sat on a piece of plywood, the music roaring out of uncovered speakers. Parker, after that practice the other day you think youll get some more playing time? Gary asked with smoke coming out of his mouth. Drew is a prick. The plywood absorbed the tinny sound of the empty can, Parker opened another one. Come on Parker, you missed a couple of practices. Piped in Greg Harris.

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Parker was well lit up between the beers and the bong hits at ten in the morning. Hes got no balls, you see the way he coaches the games. Run the plays, its not practice. Were there to win, all out. Hes to easy, he lets us lose. Parker was going far beyond what his teammates wanted to hear. Led Zeppelin wired to his ears, cars sped by the bus silently in the aftermath of the early morning fun. The long and wiry players sprawled in the stands watching the Junior Varsity game, Gary whispered to Parker to take a walk, they left through the locker room into a hallway of the Westminster School. Parker, Ive got a joint here of unbelievable sensebud, much better than the stuff we smoked this morning. The red Exit sign beamed lonely as they smoked in the dark bathroom. Ive always wanted to play a game fucked up. I never thought about it, maybe itll help my shot. It will be fun watching you from the bench. This stuff is fucking me up. Where do get it? From this guy I know whos got all kinds of stuff. Gary handed Parker a bottle of Visine. They reached the bleachers as the first half of the JV game was coming to an end, Parker sure that Dr. Myers was looking right at them. Once the JV team came out of the locker room for the second half Drew gave the signal to get ready. Garys red hair and red freckles jumped out, fluorescent, at Parker. Greg, doesnt Gary look like Howdy Doody? Parker laughed uncontrollably at his own joke, Drew frowning, Parker looking down at his tube socks trying to control himself, the nylon on the uniform itchy and uncomfortable, the cold slipping through the sleeveless jersey. We have got to stick to our game plan, stay away from to much outside shooting, they will kill us on long

40

rebounds. Penetrate their zone, be patient, work the ball around the perimeter until we can penetrate or get a good jump shot. When they go into their man to man defense, we go into the full court press. Thats when we have got to start running and taking control of the game. Two minutes left. Yelled Dr. Myers through the open door. Dr. Myers passed them the balls for the initial lay-ups. The first bounce pass that Parker received was low but cacheable. He reached for the ball, it bounced off his hand and went by him, awkwardly running after it, the angle for the lay-up was almost horizontal to the backboard and the ball went over the rim without nicking it. An airball. Come on Parker, get with it, were going to need you in this game. Im just a little stiff coach. He replied lamely. The horn sounded calling the end of the warm up period and the twelve minute quarter was put up on the clock, the teams went to their benches and the players stood around the coach listening to his last pre-game remarks. Parker moved to the perimeter of the circle and watched the cheerleaders perform, behind them three hundred or more very happy, white, WASPy people. Parker attempted to get the attention of one of the opposing cheerleaders, Michael Myers drove the ball down the court as point guard and passed it off to John Harris who took a twenty five foot jump shot that hit the back of the rim, bouncing almost back to the foul line. A Westminster player passed it quickly to their star who took it in for an easy lay up. Drew called a time out. Your doing exactly what I told you not to do, John, what hell was that thirty foot

jump shot? Im sorry coach

41

Lets get with it, stick to the game plan. These guys are not that much better than us. There just playing their game while were out of control. Her short auburn hair bounced with the routine, smooth, white legs kicked, he stared, tried to enter the blue eyes. He imagined her mother picking her up in a Jaguar, taking her to the country club. The mother probably looked good in her tennis outfit. A smile. Triumph. Parker, are you interested in this game or in the cheerleaders. Parker put his hand in to break the huddle. He looked at Dr. Myers, probably playing with himself in medical while his old man was hunting down Charley. Parker now returned to the bench hoping for the blowout to continue. Myers put a good pass into Gary who made the easy lay up; the marijuana effected him like it did some people playing video games. Drew paced the bench with his worried look. Get in there and do something. Parker took off his sweats and sat on the floor beside the score table waiting for a stoppage. A foul and the horn blew, the referee waving Parker in, stopping him when he noticed the crucifix, nervous and unable to open the latch, Dr. Myers finally got it off below the stares of Waspdome. He kept looking up at their cold blue eyes. Michael passed him the ball, it felt strange on his hands, he paused, looked back at the crowd, he didnt know where anyone was, took two dribbles and threw up an airball. It took all his will to not look at the bench, he searched for Gary, who looked away. On their next possession Parker penetrated hard, he got inside the paint and about four feet from the basket gave a head fake, than drove hard into his defender, making an easy bank shot and drawing the foul. Relief.

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He stayed in the game for the rest of the first half scoring ten points and picking up three rebounds. Well start the second half with the original starters. Drew gave him one of his come on cheerleader claps in response to his cold stare. Stolen passes, poor shooting and lackadaisical defense, by the fourth quarter the Jaguars were losing by eighteen points. Their opponents didnt let up, continuing to fast break and play their starters. Parker floated back to half court as Myers passed to Harris, a long rebound, and the Westminster star had only Parker in front of him. He was inside the paint as star boy came dribbling toward him, Parker, in a defensive tuck, waved him in; he disregarded all attempts to avoid the foul and went for the ball, knocking the player over and slamming the ball on the ground. They were lining up for the foul shot the when the horn sounded. Substituted with forty seconds left. What the hell was that? Fuck off. Drew walked away. * Headlights sped past the bus, faceless, genderless. Did I tell you I went out with Flavia last weekend? Really he said enthusiastically. Had you wind up going out with her? Ive got her in one of my classes, we talked a lot so I asked her out. Where did you guys go? First we went to her roommates apartment on Brickell, the place is unbelievable. He squinted slightly, his heart racing, trying not to give in. I know Christina.

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She told us. You guys go out in Miami? Christinas boyfriend took us to some Spanish place. A weight on his chest, a wave of shame crashing over him. He swallowed hard and continued. Whats he like. He was all right, loaded, hes got a nice BMW. You go back to Christinas place afterward. No, he dropped them off then dropped me off at my car, nothing.

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Chapter VII
The Fletcher Academy spread out from a quadrangle at its center, the cafeteria occupying one side of it entirely. A goldfish pond sat in the center of the quad, each corner with a covered bench. Sunlight filtered through the tree above the bench, breaking into shafts, one of which struck the metal rim of his glasses. Gary approached from the cafeteria. His tall lanky body and red aura contrasted violently with the green, manicured lawn. Hey Parker, whats going on. Not much dude, just relaxing. What did you think of the bud the other day before the game? It totally whacked me, when I first got into the game I thought I was going to freak. Thats some good stuff. You think you can get me some?

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Sure dude, no problem, its a bit more expensive than the usual stuff but I can get you some. You know what else hes got, mushrooms, psychedelic mushrooms. His oversized body was finished with matted red curly hair, red hairs rose from his open deck shoes, hands hidden deep in his pockets. Sounds wild, its like acid right? Yeah, but more natural. You ever do them? We did some last week with my neighbor, unbelievable, you start seeing all kinds of color trails, my neighbor even said he talked to a frog. There was something evil about him, Parker imagined him as a red frog jumping out of a pond. Ive got to try them, what do you do, just eat them. No, they taste terrible, you can either make tea out them then mix the juice with ice tea or make peanut butter sandwiches with them and just scarf them down. Howd you do them Ive done them both ways, its more powerful if you eat them in the sandwich. When can you get me some? Ive got a bag of fresh ones in the car, the fresher they are the better the effect, the guy who gets them goes to cow fields and picks them around the cow shit after it rains. Maybe thats why his hands were hidden in his pockets, full of cow shit and frog slime. Thanks for letting me know, hey, maybe Ill do them tomorrow.

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You ought to do them with somebody, just in case you freak. I cant do them with you tomorrow, Im still I little zapped from doing them twice. Where would he take him, he was having second thoughts. You mean do them here at school? Totally, this is the perfect setting, anyway, if you do them in the morning youll be flying all day, you got any tests or anything tomorrow? Let me see what Johns up to and if hes into it will do them tomorrow. How much is it? For twenty bucks I can give you two enough to go flying all day. Cool, Ill get back to you before practice. The sun burst through a hallway, only the approaching silhouette was visible. He recognized the walk. Christina, whats up? Hey Parker, what are you doing in the hallway? He liked her looking up at him, his eyes fell to her ankles, hers following, a look up with a grin. Waiting to talk to John after class, gonna a see if we can get a little party going. Sounds like trouble. She was open to him, he wished he could tie her down. I love those purple jeans you wear, they give you that ethnic allure. Dont make fun of me. You really dont like them? No, I do, I love third world flair. You are such jerk. The angry smile was immensely satisfying, the cocked head, the foot pointed out.

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Im only kidding. You are moody, arent you, you take me out to dinner, than you dont talk to me for a week and now you make fun of me. The bell rang. She smiled silently then left him, her loose collar revealing dark young skin on the bottom of her neck. John appeared out of the swarm of bodies. Parker, whats up dude. John, Ive got great news. What? Parker motioned for John to follow him down the hallway. Remember the other day, talking about acid? He looked for a reaction, then attempted a strategic pause. Yeah. Listen, I was talking to Gary today and hes got some fresh psychedelic mushrooms, right off the farm. Oh, dude, thats like doing acid, right? But its more natural. Theyre best when they are fresh, so I was thinking, if tomorrow is good for you we can both do them. They say its better to do it with someone, and Gary will be like our guide, kind of. Ive got a quiz first period. No problem, dude, Ill come by and get you after your first period class. *

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Parker saw Gary in the parking lot before practice. Hey man, were gonna do it, tomorrow. All right, Ive got them in my van. Under a towel appeared a paper grocery bag moist from the soft, brown mushrooms. The smell was pungent and completely unappetizing. Theyre kind of gross smelling. Thats why you got to stick them in tea or a peanut butter sandwich. Parker reached into his pocket to take out the twenty dollars. No, dont worry about, your first trip is on me. So when are you going to do them.? Before I come to school? Just dont drive again till you come down. The late orange sun strangely matching his face. How should I make them? Its for me and John. Split them up into two even piles, chop them up small and then mix them with peanut butter and make the sandwiches, Id skip the jelly, it makes it worse. Relax, youll have a great trip, everyones first one is great. Ill be around to make sure your doing all right. * I was waiting for you, are you hungry? Very. The smell of the mushrooms broke through the gym bag, making him nauseous. Lola was preparing a leg of lamb, the kitchen smelling of rosemary and sherry. The refrigerator had all the necessary supplies. Hear from Agueda lately? A look down before she could answer.

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No, you know how she is. The meat was pink around the bone and slid off effortlessly. Was she really wild when she was younger? What makes you ask? Oh, I dont know, just the way she talked about you guys when you were younger and stuff. I guess dad couldnt stand her. The wine entering his exercised body with the aroma of lamb. They would argue a lot, but they both liked to go out and have a few drinks. They didnt get along so badly as long as they stayed away from politics. It must have been wild back then, everyone doing drugs, listening to cool music. Lola laughed. I think you got the wrong impression from Agueda. She was the wild one, she got mixed up with heroine with Chema and all that, but I was more serious, dating your father, a military man. But things were different then, they were more open. What do you mean? Well, in Spain we were pretty backward, so a lot of the music and the drug scene of the 60s here got there in the seventies, we would wear wild clothes, get in demonstrations against the police, your father didnt know about that. We were different than the college kids today, we were into changing everything. It seems like all these kids want is a BMW and that dance music they listen to. What kind of music did you guys listen to then. Oh, everything, I really loved Janis Joplin, the Doors. So did your father. The image of his father listening to Janis Joplin was like imagining him in drag.

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Dad! Yes, your father. I know he was very strict with you and seemed like a square, but he was really different. In Vietnam they saw and did a lot. Parker was wondering if maybe his parents had tripped. In the Vietnam movies everyone is taking acid and listening to the Doors. His mother maybe, but not his father. * He put on the first Doors album, took out chunks of mushrooms and chopped them small and mixed them in the bowl with the peanut butter, the foul odor carrying doubt. He split the mixture into two parts and put the spread on the sandwiches, cutting them perpendicularly and putting them in Seran wrap sandwich bags.

Chapter VIII

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The sun warmed the living room with a strong light filling the room, he was squinting at group of boats passing in the canal. The phone rang, an old friend of his fathers telling him that he must quickly go the inter-coastal waterway. Parker rode his bike to the large draw bridge, the span rose as he left his bike on the grass and walked to the sea wall. A military procession of boats approached, small ship to shore boats, a flag draped coffin rested on one of them. The boat with the coffin docked under the bridge and a sailor began to unscrew the coffin, finally putting a crowbar to it and lifting the lid. It was his father, in full uniform, a smile appearing though there was something strange about his face. Terrified, he rode his bike frantically, thinking about all he needed to get arranged before his father arrived. The shotgun, the dope, but how would he get rid of the smell? He would be home any minute. * The sandwich sat beside a large glass of orange juice while Parker attempted to recapture the previous days excitement, the dream a dark cloud on the morning. He finished the second half sandwich with a swig and a hard swallow. His stomach twisted on the anxious drive to school. * He watched the door to Johns class hoping to see something that wasnt there, still no reaction. Whats up, you eat yours yet? This morning for breakfast. Woo, feeling anything yet?

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No, just a little weird in the stomach. Lets go get a couple of beers and you can eat yours. A tingling in his mouth, the urge to open and close it, distances extending and the colors appearing more defined, the road scared him. Dude, I think Im beginning to feel the effects of this stuff. Whats it like? Its just weird, you better drive, get me a tall-boy Bud. The excitement grew while John forced down the sandwiches. The beer tasted good but fell hard. Damn, these things taste terrible. But they work, Im feeling it. Parker walked into his chemistry class twenty minutes late. Youll get me a note later, right? Asked the teacher. Hm, hm. He sat beside a girl from the dorm whom he had never spoken to, her wavy hair clung to a pastel scarf, her pumps each a different color, the outline of her calve firm in the tight pants. Sounds he made with his mouth echoed and vibrated through his head. I love your look, its great, that scarf with the different colored shoes, Im so sick of looking at everyone dressed the same. Juliet giggled. It must be wild to be able to see those electrons shooting off at one another. You know what I did last night, I laid in bed and listened to the first Doors album, you like the Doors. I love the Doors. Your French or something right, I can tell, youve got style. So much style that I was always afraid to talk to you. It came out right. My mothers German and my fathers French.

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Wow, what a cool mix. The W in wow winding around his mouth, bouncing from ear to ear. My mothers from Spain and my dad was American. I go back to Spain with my mom once and a while, I love it. Maybe some day Ill go live their for good. The bell rang. Do you smoke cigarettes? Yeah You want to go take a drive and smoke a cigarette? Parker was jittery; the colors and sounds came at him from all directions. He followed Juliet out of the class as if she were a body guard. Come on, well take a drive down to the beach in my car, Ill put on a Doors tape. He was safe in the new RX-7 enjoying the smells of the car, thinking each had a peculiar smell, like people, his head moving to Riders on the Storm. He leaned over and smelled her hair as she backed out of the parking lot. Your hair smells great? She laughed. What are you on? Shrooms, psychedelic shrooms. Have you started to trip yet? I think so. She drove quickly and well as the Doors kept Parker occupied. I didnt think that you jocks did drugs. Some of us do, a lot. I played a game the other night stoned. It was wild, looking up at all those people. His eyes doing the tango. I could never understand all the importance about sports.

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Its all a lot of bullshit. Parker said as he lit two cigarettes and gave one to her. He felt the smoke entering his lungs and reflecting off the dashboard as he exhaled. The light looks so cool on your hair with the smoke on it. The sports stuff I do because every once in a while I have a day when I cant miss, Im invincible, and it makes me feel good. It reminds me of my father all camouflaged up hunting down Charley. Your father was in Vietnam? The Nam echoing around the small interior. Its kind of freaky, he was a career military guy, a little older than me and he was running a round in the bush with people trying to kill him. And look at us, weve got it easy. He died? He died of lung cancer. Howd did your parents meet? My dad was stationed at a base in Spain and he met my mom, they got married and eventually came back here. My dad was older, so after he had put in his twenty years he left the military and started working in a private company. My fathers older than my mother, too. Its his second marriage. But he is almost more easy to get along with than my mother. Her face, once severe and foreboding, now vulnerable. But your mothers German, right. You want to pick a beer before we get to the beach? Sure The beer didnt go down well but he liked touching it, the heat of the sun intense on his face, the rays of light sneaking between the lenses of his sunglasses, the warmth from the sand slowly reaching his skin through the cloth of his trousers.

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Dont you think that the cultural difference between parents can be a big deal sometimes, its like they dont understand a lot about each other. Absolutely, and we usually take more after one than the other, Ill bet youre a lot more like your father than your mother, that you like France more than Germany. You can tell. Its that my mother is so hard to deal with sometimes, my father is more understanding. I think the fact that he came from a wealthier family, they are more relaxed in general, and they live better than they do in Germany. How did they meet? My mother was working in a bank in Brussels and met my father there, who had been divorced. They got transferred to the islands and decided it was best for me to go to prep school for a year before they sent me to college. Do you have brothers and sisters in France? He felt enlightened, able to bring to the surface what bubbled below. I have a half-brother, we get along great, I even get along with his mother, she remarried too but she is relaxed about everything. Sometimes, I look out to the northeast when Im here on the beach and wish I was there. Isnt it strange, how two people like us can go forever without talking and than all of a sudden become friends. It makes you think how many more people there are that we can connect with but dont. Parker felt a deep love and appreciation for everything, he had never felt even remotely similar. And you are so beautiful, how is it that I never talked to you before. You are really tripping, arent you? Totally, have you ever tripped before?

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No, but Id like to try, Ive always been scared. Im all right, arent I, Im not freaking you out, or anything? No, no. Your great. Weve got to get going because I need to get back for class. I wish we could stay longer. The faces in their colorful Japanese cars seemed like something out of a musical: the clothes, the makeup, the earrings, it all became very apparent. He caught the eye of a woman, dressed like an office worker, and he smiled at her, she smiled back like she wanted to talk to him. He got out of the car as if he were returning to a different school, the ground swaying in the wind as Juliet disappeared. He was afraid and alone, passing people in the hallway looking for John; he had the impression they were looking at him, like they knew. Maybe he had been initiated into a new world; the grins he was receiving were welcomes from the already initiated, the trip became permanent. The tunnel of lockers curved, and curved, ever extending, finally he saw Christina coming out of the end: sexier, more seductive. Ill see you in class later. Pinching her arm, she looked back at him surprised. Parker sat down on the sidewalk in the quadrangle and looking up at Gary who seemed more red and freckled than ever from the place where it all began. Im totally tripping. Feeling all right. Great, its wild. Welcome to the psychedelic world, its like a whole new universe, isnt it. A friend of Gary arrived.

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Hey man, how you doing, bad boy tripping in school. There was something ridiculous about the high school jargon. Parker could only grin, the compulsion to smile unstoppable. Cant get that grin of your face, can you? No. he said laughing. You take it easy and will be around if you need us, enjoy. Parker was left alone on the sidewalk smiling, anxiously enjoying himself. He looked over at one of the benches in the quadrangle and saw a girl he had often admired physically. She was from the islands and had a Hindu face, two or three years younger than him, her looks and movements were elegant and smooth. A text book rested between her crossed legs, her dark skin contrasting with yellow pants and blue loafers, a broad smile showing thick painted lips. He looked at her for a moment before saying anything. She looked down, than up again. I love those colors you have on, they look great on you. What?. I love those colors on you, especially with your dark skin, thats the way people should dress down here. Thats what Im always saying but they say I dress to colorfully. They have no taste. That lipstick looks great on you too. I love full red lips. He had never felt that audacious. Your Parker, the basketball player. Thats me all right, and your name is? Lydia. 58

Ive admired you for a long time, but Ive just never got around to telling you. She took it with a grin. Thank you, no one ever gives me compliments like that. Thats because they dont see well. Your from the islands? From Trinidad. Wouldnt you like to be sitting on the beach in Trinidad, drinking one of those fruity rum drinks. He could see the tall glass with the fresh strawberry daiquiri. Dont, youll make me homesick. Than we could take a catamaran out, do some sailing, oh yeah, weve got to go. You know how to sail? Catamarans, sunfish, small boats, you know what Id like to do, go to airport, hop on a plane and go down there, the two of us for the rest of the day, we could always come back tomorrow for class, I even think Ive got a credit card. You are totally crazy. Your right, but it would be fun. You live in the dorm, right. Yes. Do you know Christina Alberdi? Sure. I see her in the TV lounge once and a while. Shes a friend of mine. Is she your girlfriend? No. But if I tell you a secret you promise not to tell?

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I promise. She already has a boyfriend, but Im gonna try and get her away from him. Lydia giggled and shook her head. But if it doesnt work, maybe Ill go after you. He smiled at her as he saw John coming his way, serious and intense. Hows it going, bro? All right, man, boy this is weird. His breathing was heavy, pupils dilated, hands white. Your not freaking out, are you? No, its cool, its just wild, I didnt think it would be this intense, people look weird, its like they know what were up to, how you doing? I get that feeling to. Its great, its like entering another world, Im seeing things in a new light. I wonder if they will ever be the same? Woo dude, dont flip to much. Ill be all right. The green of the grass flashing up at them as they crossed the quadrangle. Parker picked out what to eat by how it looked, no appetite. Plagued by the feeling that he had entered another reality, the mushrooms had allowed him to see another world, one beyond what he was normally conscious of, as if a curtain had been pulled back, enabling him to see clearly what he had only glimpsed shadows of before. He remembered sitting in the Quadrangle and having Gary welcome him to the psychedelic world, maybe it was true. Parker, who was usually reserved, felt a great amount of love, as if he had tapped into a universal energy. There were no longer any ugly people, everyone was fulfilling a predestined role in a great mural, even the nasty, evil people had a part to play. What was clear to Parker was that he would never be the same. What might have satisfied him before would not be sufficient now. He sipped a lemonade as he looked around the cafeteria.

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He began to have the terrible urge to tell her how much he loved her, the new world was telling him to be frank, to open up and release the great love he had inside him. Parker didnt understand love until that day and in many ways, he forgot it afterwards. He was aware of the love that exists between all creatures, a bond and a connection. Art, religion, culture, architecture, clothing: they were a reflection of the world behind the drape, artists saw that world for moments and gave us glimpses of it in their work, it seemed a great insight, all very clear. John, today when I see Christina, Im thinking of just telling her how I feel about her, tell her I love her. Whats the big deal, its the truth, the worst thing that can happen, she says thanks but no thanks. Parker, you need to chill, dont do anything that youll regret tomorrow, I know it feels real powerful now but when it fades you might feel like an asshole. Dont do anything to drastic, just enjoy yourself and be calm. His grin was permanent, her innocence and sensuality combined to transcend womanhood for Parker; she was an archetype of femininity, sensuality, of tenderness and compassion. He was tempted to ask her to leave the class, sit her down and explain to her how he felt but the doubt that John left lingered. The teacher explained an algebra problem that he had prepared for the class. It was a new twist on an old theme, but the algebra teacher was always well prepared and explained his problems thoroughly. He wrote out the whole solution on the blackboard and then with a wooden pointer went through and explained it, trails of light flickering off the end of the pointer as if it were a comet. Parker, whats wrong with you? She said to him looking straight ahead.

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Nothing, its just so cool the way the pointer looks. And the way the problem works out, its amazing how all those numbers fall into a simple X=6. Are you on something? Sort of, Ill tell you later. The teacher took on the role of enlightener. Parker found himself fascinated by the mundane algebra problem, the teacher was initiating his students, with his magic wand, into a world of analytical certainty and beauty. The precision of the numbers, and the underlying universal order that they represented where being revealed to them by this special man who had formerly never meant anything to Parker. He gave them a problem to do by themselves. Christina turned around to do the problem with Parker. Christina, you look great today, you look so happy to, are you happy? I love that shirt with the little holes in it, I can see your skin behind it, just little particles, it looks really cool. Parker, your eyes look very weird and you are acting strange, but thank you and yes I am happy. I think there is a lot to do with this problem, I mean, if we can see the logic behind solving it, we will see the meaning of a lot of things, we have to find the real meaning of it. Parker, your acting strange, lets see if we can do the problem. He was entranced with her smile, with her face. It encompassed all the love he had been feeling for the whole world that day, it was the path to eternal happiness. He watched her hand as it held the pencil and made beautiful numbers on the paper, a silver bracelet swinging with the movements. He reached out and touched the bracelet, spinning it on her wrist, she continued to write then suddenly broke out into a deep, funny, bordering on embarrassed, smile.

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You have lovely hands, theyre so soft, and your handwriting is beautiful. You know there is so much love in the world and people just dont see it. If we would just open up and not be afraid of each other we would all be so much happier. She continued working on the problem. You know Im mad at you, dont you? You are on something, tell me the truth and no, I didnt know that you were mad at me, what did I do now? You didnt tell me you had a boyfriend. As he said it the teacher asked everyone to look up and solve the problem together on the board. Who would like to start out? Asked the teacher. We would. Shouted Parker. She let out a nervous giggle, giving the first step. Im going to kill you. Im still mad at you. Who told you I had a boyfriend? Greg, you know were on the basketball team together. He told me about the night you all went out in Miami with your boyfriend and all. His not really my boyfriend, hes just some guy Im seeing. Anyway, I never said I didnt have a boyfriend. She looked straight ahead at the blackboard. Wouldnt you rather go to bullfights with me, Ill give you a bouquet of roses, and when the torero comes around after cutting two ears, you can them to him, and hell blow you a kiss. Then we can go out all night and party. Youll have much more fun with me than with him, I promise. 63

Im sure I would, hes really not my boyfriend, hes just someone Ive kind of been seeing, now tell me what your on. I took some psychedelic mushrooms. Whats that? Its like acid, but its natural. It allows you to see the world in different way. I hope Im not freaking you out. Im just being honest. But, like, are you seeing things? No, not at all, well, a little. Like, your hand, and your bracelet. They look so beautiful together. So soft. Normally I might not notice that. But I dont see things that arent there. Im not freaking you out, am I? No, your being very sweet. Youll let me get to know you, wont you? I just want to get to know you better. When Im around you I feel really good. Parker continued to look at her hair and her shoulders and wonder at her. The bell rang and he walked her to the door. Ill see you tomorrow, Christina, take care. He drove to the beach to drink a beer and enjoy the end of the trip, this beer went down well. The intensity and love faded, and with it the understanding. He had returned to the beach he had visited with Juliet but it was a letdown. The ideas of that morning didnt seem wrong, he just didnt see them as clearly or intensely. An old man walked up the beach with a metal detector, his wrinkled skin and gaudy sunglasses seemed repulsive.

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PART II
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Chapter IX
Through the curtain the images on the TV changed like a slide show, Lola uncharacteristically lounging in front of the set. Do you have any plans for tonight? She asked him as he came in. No. Lets go out to dinner? They were brought to their table by a surly woman with a Waspy face and no eyebrows. A chilly bottle of wine in a Burgundian bottle quickly filled their glasses then settled back into its frosty nest. Lola removed the lipstick stained filter of her Marlboro red cigarette, the back of his mouth tingled. He took sip of wine, he felt pressure above his eyes. Mom, do you mind if I smoke? I thought you would never get around to telling me. He became self conscious of how he lit the cigarette, held it and where he blew the smoke, she tried not to smile. When you met dad, he had already done his tour of duty in Vietnam, right. Yes. What did he say about it. About what?

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About Vietnam and all. He didnt say much about it, I think he was just happy to have gotten out of there alive and in one piece. He did his duty and that was that. The carpaccio dissolved on his tongue. What did he think about the war and all? Your father believed in the cold war, that America had to fight the cold war and stop the Soviets, he believed it very strongly. You didnt know your Grandfather he was also a war veteran and very conservative. She forced the seriousness. Did dad and Aunt Agueda get in a lot of fights about politics and stuff. Shes running around in anti Franco demonstrations and your father is this soldier with medals back from the front, of course they argued. They were very different. What did you think about Franco? She sighed, reluctant to talk about Franco, but she could see the interest in Parker and realized that understanding the civil war was crucial to understanding her family. She knew the most important version of history is the one we receive through our families; the only way we know whether we really won or lost, whether we were fooled into it or not, is by how the story is told from the familys point of view. Much of the land in Spain is poor, and you need a lot of it to live well, so what happened, you wound up with a few rich people living well and a lot of people suffering and just getting by, the church supports the rich, the army supports the rich. Finally, there is a republican government, and at the thought of anything changing, the Army, the Church and the rich revolted. In comes Franco, sly character that he is, and works his way to the top of the rebellion and when the rebellion finally wins, he stays, El Paco, to make sure nothing changes.

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But it was better for your family that Franco won, right? Sure, but when your young you dont think so much about those things, there are no bills to pay, you get all worked up in ideas. My uncles didnt do anything, they would follow bullfighters, live well, chase women, they had the good life. My father was one of them. Useless. If the other side had won maybe they would have done something. But Im not some communist, either, though your father thought we were because we had a picture of Che, the famous picture of Che, on the wall. But wasnt Che a communist? Just like your father! Yes, he was a communist, but we had his picture up because he was handsome and he represented youth rebellion. You have a picture of Jimmy Page in your room, that doesnt mean you for heroin addiction, its the same thing, but your father flipped. I had to get them to take it down. It would have been better for everyone if Franco had left the Republic alone, things probably would have taken a normal course anyway. War is a terrible thing and to start one is probably the worst sin a man can commit. But dad would have said that he was saving Spain. Lola was tempted to let Parker know exactly what she thought of his fathers politics. Your father didnt really understand the Spanish Civil War, he saw it as part of the Cold War, but it happened before the Cold War began. And being a military man, he appreciated the fact that Franco was such a young general and what not. But look at all those communist countries, theyre horrible. Your missing the point, once the war started, that might have been the only alternative, but not before hand. Neither side had it easy, your grandfather spent three years in prison and

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never was the same for it. If there hadnt been a war we would have still been well off, I dont know how much, if anything, they really won. * A light rain turned torrential in a matter of seconds, at a stop light a loud clap of thunder accompanied it for the first time. In the sea of retirees Parker spotted a young couple, normal for a Friday, he thought. He enjoyed the novelty of being alone, the rain and the radio; the meal and wine still felt good. Planned community followed planned community followed strip mall, South Floridas town square. The farther west the newer the strip mall, a few more miles and your in the middle of the Everglades, no mans land, alligators and God knows what else. Finally his strip mall. He was early for the movie so he decided to get a drink. The bar was well lit, photographs of New York athletes in new frames. The banter around the bar was that of regulars, contradicting the look and smell of the place. The bartender proudly displayed his NY paraphernalia and was on a first name basis with most of his customers, none of whom had lived in South Florida more than a few years. Parker felt far away from home, which was only seven miles east. So kid, wats goin on, wheres the party. A man in his forties sitting next to Parker joined in. When I was your age, I was always out partying. Parker forced a smile. My kid is the same way, every time I call his mother she tells me he is out. I used to love running around the neighborhood. There are no neighborhoods here. A few miles down the road an alligator was eating an egret, whole: beak, feathers and all. The rain crashed against the car as he parked and ran into the theater, angrily pelting him. The still lit theater revealed worn seats and gum laden floors, his shoes resting on the armrest in

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front of him, half his popcorn gone before the lights went down and Betty Blue began, cracks of thunder faintly audible. He left the theater still accompanied by the rain, filled with the nostalgia of a good film. Betty fought with Christina for his thoughts, she was probably looking out the window of an expensive car at the bay, surrounded with beautiful, wealthy people. Miami still had a mystique for Parker, and enveloped in that mystique was Christina. All South Florida was at its best right after it rained, and it had just stopped raining, he drove alone, content with his loneliness and the sadness of the film. He found the lights out and Lola asleep. He took a ritalin, put on Bach and did algebra problems well into the night.

Chapter X

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Parker was planning again. He knew her whole class schedule, what she did in her free periods, where she studied, where she waited for the bell to ring before classes, but the weekends confounded him. He was an intelligence machine, but, like many governments and some presidents, what to do with all the intelligence. She would leave Friday after school to step into a world Parker could only imagine. It was a relief to finally be able to use all of his painstakingly gathered information. He had escaped out of his Spanish class in the search of Christina, who should have been in the cafeteria studying at an empty table, a good time to corner her. Two players would be out for that Fridays game allowing Parker to get the start; it was the perfect occasion to invite her out. He was afraid to ask her out in Miami, it seemed like a whole other world that he had no right to invade, but taking her from school after the game was a way to bridge the gap. Thursday afternoon, he walked down the hallways to the main quadrangle, scenarios playing themselves out even though he saw the truth through the fantasies. He swung open the large cafeteria door, a quick glance; she wasnt there. He stood in the entrance to cafeteria, wondering where she could be. He decided she might have gone towards her English class. As he rubbed his head beside the entrance, she walked in, catching him off guard, he followed her awkwardly. Parker, what are you doing here? Im out of Spanish class for a while, what are you doing? Im going to study some before class. She was anxious and uninviting. Ill come over to the table in a second, do you want something, Im going to get a tea. No thanks

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The ice dropped sporadically into the Styrofoam cup. He tried to fool himself into thinking it wasnt obvious, but it was no use. Her arms were folded, the hair jumped wildly while her stare was firm on the textbook. He know what he didnt want to know, but her appeal was too strong. Got a test? No, I just can never remember these vocabulary lists. She returned to the book, he felt like he had intruded on a private conversation, sweating, it popped out before he could think about it. So, what are you doing this weekend? She was half expecting it. Im going home, Ill probably go out with my sister. This was her standard response which Parker had not yet attempted to overcome. He could hear himself talk. Why dont you come to the game Friday, and Ill drive you home afterwards. What time is the game over? She asked dryly. Nine or so. You dont mind going to Miami? No, maybe you can show me some good places. All right, I know some fun places. What time does the game start? She was melting. Seven, you never come to the games, do you? I went to one but you werent playing, so I got bored and left. This was the Christina he had been looking for, she made him feel complete and full. She stared at him, he imagined she was looking deep in his eyes, he held his stare an extra beat. Im not used to looking at your face, I think I like the back of your head better.

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Your such a jerk. See you in class. He saw someone getting up to leave and he moved close to the door. With it open from them leaving he walked in as casually as possible without the teacher noticing. He had been sitting down for a few minutes when the sixty year old Cuban dressed in his best 1950s suit called out. Voll! Yes Doctor. They called their Spanish teacher doctor because he said thats what they called him in Cuba. How long you go to bathroom, you have infection of bladder? No, Doctor, couldnt get my fly up, I had to get some motor oil. He found John after class and they went to drink a beer together in the car. Dude, shes finally going out with me. John stared dubiously. She gets a ride home every Friday, she didnt ask me either, she could have said she already had a ride. OK Where you gonna take her? I dont know, I mean, the only place I ever go in Miami is a bar in the Grove, The Hungry Sailor. Parker walking backwards in front of John explaining. Dont take her there, that place is a dive, you need to take her to a fancy Spanish place. Ill let her pick the place.

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Thats a good idea. Hey, that day we were tripping, you didnt tell her you loved her or anything, did you? No, only cause I had talked to you. Thank God. Probably would have freaked her out, yeah, but that day was weird. I had a power over people. You think that was the drug or the drug releasing something in you? I think its the drug, I remember thinking some stuff which I thought was so true and that the next day seemed ridiculous. Its like smoking dope, you listen to a song and think there is some special meaning, that the guy who wrote the song wrote it stoned, but then you hear it normal and its not there, its the dope. Just be cool with her and dont freak her out telling her how much you like her and all. Right. But, I think somethings changed, when I talked to her it was different. Just be cool. You want to hit the Hill for a couple of pops? What about class? Fuck class, drinks on me. Lets go. Parker wanted to enjoy the sensation before seeing her again, better tomorrow. *

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Watching TV with his mother he felt the urge to talk but he was afraid of jinxing himself, in the end his need for money overcame his pride. Tomorrow Im going out with a girl from Miami. Lola was curios. Who is she? Just a girl from my math class who lives in the dorm, Ill drive her home and will go out. Is this the same one who you took to the Le Ferme and paid with the credit card? He had forgotten about the credit card. Yeah, Ive kinda been trying to go out with her for a while, so that night she decides she wants French and I was in a bind. Dont worry about. Ill give you plenty of cash for tomorrow. So youve been trying to go out with her for a while, what do her parents do? I dont know, theyve got loads of money, her father is some kind of Argentinean business man. Whats her name? Christina Alberdi. Shes never called, has she? No, I dont think so. Take my car, Ill use yours tomorrow.

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Chapter XI
Parker was running to catch the plane but he didnt make it. He had to run up a long ramp and then stairs to a platform were a helicopter would to take him to the plane. A woman was waiving him off; he had missed the helicopter and had to go back and wait below. He wondered if he should really go to the islands for the weekend. He saw the helicopter returning and ran up the stairs and got into the helicopter which brought him to the plane. He spoke with the other passengers, a happy tourist group. As they began to descend all he saw was an enormous storm. It was like a picture of hurricane taken from above, the winds rotating and the plane circling, caught in the gusts. He reminded himself how common these flights were, the pilots made them twice a day, an instrument landing, no problem. He was still scared. Beyond the window nothing but a dark mass, the passengers silent, looking at the seat-backs, he still couldnt see land. Suddenly he saw trees and a man pointing to one, signaling the pilots to avoid it. Parker watched as the tree snagged a piece of the tail section and ripped it off in front of his window, tossing him to the ground. He was numb, but slowly getting up uninjured, the plane crashing ahead of him. Sprawled passengers with broken arms and missing hands littered the terminal, Parker assumed some of them had died. They brought them to a room and Parker told someone in a uniform that he saw the tree that ripped the tail off the plane. The company said they would give everyone a free lunch, Parker was wondering if they would give him money; he had forgot to bring money. * 76

The image of the man with the missing hand haunted him into the late afternoon. He looked into his book to avoid staring at the door, astute of me not to have come to class yesterday, he thought. The bell rang and no Christina, he continued to watch the door. He would see her that night, more tension if she doesnt come to class, what would she wear? What would have usually been an afternoon of beer and laughs became a vigil, the nerves from starting and the anticipation for what would come after. The smell of pizza was unappetizing, he cynically observed the scene of giggles and glances at Michael to make sure what they were laughing at was really funny. Parker was used to a different crowd and thought the change would do him good but the soft drinks and wholesome fun only made him more nervous; it was a little too squeaky. Hey Parker, I saw you hitting on Juliet in Chemistry class the other day, what was up with that. Asked Michael. I decided to talk to her, she is really nice. Did you ask her out? No, but maybe I will, Greg, did you ever go out with Flavia again? No, shes kinda strange, and she always wants me to take her to Miami so she can spend the weekend with Christina. Whenever he heard another person speak the name of Christina it gave him a chill; he wanted to hear him say it again. Where is the apartment? He already knew. Whos, Christinas? Yeah Its on Brickell Avenue. Why?

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Im going out with her tonight. He felt proud as he said it but at the same time afraid of having jinxed himself. You know she has a boyfriend. You told me, Im not marrying the girl, Im just going out with her. Watch out his not some drug lord, put price on your head. His palms were sweaty and his eyes restless as they got up to leave. * He pulled his socks high and laced his shoes especially tight. With the warm up on he stretched on the bench; he was ready early. There was no sitting on the bench to get into the game; he would have to sit in the locker room and wait till the JV game was over before the team could go out and warm up. The treble of distant thunder felt good; the rain and thunderstorms were a comfort. The Florida sun makes everything transparent; its difficult for anything to look elegant under the harsh, mystery annihilating light. Relatively new buildings will have a newrundown-look in no time, the sun particularly cruel at making older people look ridiculous. The rain would bring romance to the world and he wanted to approach the night from behind the shadows. Players ran patterns, defenses formed and dissolved into offenses, he didnt want to make a mistake, would she arrive late? He wanted to see her. The JV game was over and the Varsity team was lining up to go out on the court. The team jogged in together and Dr. Myers threw them balls to start the lay up drills, the stands were still empty, only the parents starting to trickle into the gym which would be full by tip off. He quickly glanced up at the stands, no Christina. They were taking their lay ups towards the basket that backed up to the main entrance allowing Parker to keep an eye on the door. She would probably come in when the rest of the students

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arrived at the start of the game. The horn echoed through the gym and under the wooden bleachers, the cheerleaders chanting, kicking their young legs; the starting teams came out. Parker took off his sweats and stood to listen to Drew. Come on guys, Parker, take advantage of the start and give me a heads up game. A quick scan of the stands, no Christina. He went to his jump ball position, Gary looking at him. Up it went from the referees hand then began the squeaking of the sneakers on the gym floor and the bouncing of the ball. It seemed louder for the first few seconds and then slowly returned to its normal pitch. He was out of breath quicker than usual, slowly adapting to the rhythm of the game and looking at the door and the stands whenever there was a stoppage of play. No substitutions, he was winded, the game stayed close. They shot around before the second half began and Parker was much more relaxed, he was into the game, the fear was gone and he wanted to win, she was probably watching TV, having lied about going to a game. So what. It had sounded good. The Jaguars came out playing well and the opposition folded. There is a precise moment when a team gives up, a release of tension which usually is followed by relaxed and sloppy play. He sat on the bench, mentally out of the game and satisfied with his contribution to a victory, chewing on ice as he cooled off and watched the stands, no Christina, he was imagining how he would feel when he saw her come in, would he remember what he was now thinking then? As he walked toward the entrance of the locker room he saw Flavia coming toward him rapidly. Oh, Im glad I caught you before you went in, you guys can be forever in there, Christina wanted me to tell you that her sister picked her up this morning, so you dont half to drive her home tonight, how was the game?

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We won. Great. Parker continued toward the locker room door, Drew approaching him from behind. He was that kind of happy coaches are when they win how and when they are supposed to. He put his arm on Parkers shoulder. Parker, good job, you came through for me with a solid start when I was shorthanded. I appreciate it. Going out tonight, do little partying? He asked not looking for an answer. Yeah. Parker responded into Drews back. He didnt have to think yet, it reminded him of being struck by something and not feeling anything, but knowing a wave of sensation was on its way. The team showered together. Parker, you better cheer up or Christinas gonna think your a bore. Your going out with Christina? asked Gary. I had to tell them, didnt I. home tonight. All right man, lets see if you get any action. Action, yeah, thats what Ill be getting. He smiled at Gary. It was setting in. He couldnt help but feel it. There are people who have no sense of the ridiculous, as there are people who are color blind. They are the movers and shakers, the politicians and the winners; born with a great gift, their lack of a social aesthetic leaves them far ahead of those who obey an unwritten decorum. Parker was pummeled by shame. He had spoken before he should have, and for that he would pay; dont mix the day dreams with reality. He felt like telling everyone in the He put on as much as a smile as he could. Im taking her

locker room that he was not going out with Christina to at least take some of it away, but it was

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too late. He dressed very slowly, meandering around the locker room, cleaning out his locker, soon the only one left. He finally got up and went out to his mothers car, another reminder. He began to drive and before he knew it he was almost home. He drove to a convenience store and bought a six-pack, parked under a bridge near two other cars close to the water and opened the first beer which went down quickly and well while the couples beside him reveled in their intimacy, reminding him of what he had lost and of what she was probably doing. He finished his second beer and the third began with a bang. He smoked and grimaced and drank and felt like an idiot. Down with the fourth beer but the fifth began slowly. He forced it down and felt nauseous. He looked at the last beer and another wave of nausea came over him. He felt like throwing up but he didnt, knowing that if he touched the sixth beer he would. When he got home Lola had the lights out, no questions at least. Four Valium and he hoped sleep would come soon. It would. He was groggy and comfortable, the afternoon light attacked the bedroom from the corners of the shades. It was dreamlike through the haze of the hangover, biting at him little by little, fighting to get through, it was no use. Try to forget everything before the game, better the victim than the idiot. Months of planning, waiting and dreaming. Beaches full of beautiful girls, a weekend in the land of sun and fun, she was having a good a time and he was groping in bed. * John searched him out in the cafeteria for news. How did it go? He decided that as punishment for having talked too much he would tell the truth good spiritedly. She blew me off. What a bitch, listen, forget about her, what about that girl you met on the trip that you said was so cool, anyone, but forget about Christina, its not going to work out. 81

Your right, I was kidding myself, but no more, Im not letting her jack me around any more. Cool, thats the way things work out sometimes, I was hoping you were going to tell me it was great and you guys got it on and all, but the truth was I knew it would never work out. John was sure that in a few days Parker would be thinking differently and he would be discarded as a pessimist without a plan. He was sick of the whole story and was hoping Parker would start dating someone so they could go out as a foursome, for while John liked spending time with his girlfriend he also liked drinking, and drinking with women was not the same as drinking with men, it was the Irish in him. Parker, sometimes from outside it is easier to see these things than when your involved. It was clear that she was not interested, I dont mean to be cruel, but its the truth. Fuck her, she just a glorified Puerto Rican anyway, you can do much better, but with her its not going to work out. You really know how to console a friend, a glorified Puerto Rican, you cocksucker. He looked at John with a face that showed all his emotions and he asked one more time, just to make sure. It was really that obvious? Yeah, it was that obvious. * He was in the bathroom when the second bell rang, a three minute walk to his math class. He could feel his pulse racing and his heartbeat in his ears; he knew he needed to calm down, he stopped and took a deep breath, sitting down without making eye contact. He opened his book to where the teacher was discussing the problem and was silent, waiting for her to say something, they normally would have been talking. She wont even apologize, he thought. She half turned

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around, her face caught between a grin and a frown, she had temporarily lost neutral, her eyes not reaching his. Parker, how was your game, sorry I couldnt go but, she didnt want to lie but she couldnt help it, her voice wavered, my sister came without calling and said she we had to go to Miami that afternoon. The silence made her nervous and she didnt know what to say, she didnt think it would be this bad. The teacher put a problem on the board for the students to do and she turned toward him. What was so urgent, nothing was wrong, was it? A well told lie needs texture, and Christina was not up to the task. No, it was a meeting, I had to sign something at the bank for my father, something to do with taxes. They said nothing to each other for the rest of the class. Christina had that uncomfortable feeling of having been caught. She wanted to tell him the truth but she could see it was much more complicated than she had imagined, the bell rang and she asked him to wait. He was tempted to just keep going but to hear her say wait was too much. Parker, Im really sorry, I should have called you but I didnt have your number. I dont really care. Your being a little immature. No, your rude, you dont leave people hanging like that. He turned and left, wishing he hadnt said it. Christina was stunned, she began to wonder if he was strange, but as she walked back to the dorm she remembered how he had taken her out to dinner and always been nice to her. She would try and make it up to him.

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Chapter XII
The smell of chlorine reminded him of the day the moved into the house, he was six. The overwhelming sunlight lead him to the deck of a destroyer, crashing through monumental waves in the North Atlantic. Overcast, cold, dress blues, a lonely cigarette on the deck, maybe the uniform would excite her. One more chance to see her, maybe say something. She didnt say a word, he thought she would say something the last day. The last look at the back of her head and her fleshy arms passed too quickly. Maybe it was best this way, a clean break.

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Lola floated, her dark body on the reflected blue light, much darker than him, the Moorish blood. He finally succumb to the suns narcotic, the doorbell bell broke the spell, must be the mailman. * She drove slowly looking for the street, passed enormous ficus trees and bright green lawns with symmetric spouts of water rising from the grass, it was another country for her. Would he still have that silly look on his face? If only he had smiled she would have said something, did she look that way to Cleverson, is that why he treated her the way he did? She wasnt going to be that way. Graduation ended of a prison sentence, she had just cleared out her room, she would miss Flavia, that was all. She thought of how she felt when Cleverson had appeared without notice at her home, she rang the bell, no one answered, she rang once more. * Parker heard the second ring as he was entering the house, sure it was the mail man with a certified letter. He held the door open and looked at her, his eyes dancing, his hand gripping the doorknob. Hey Parker, I thought I would come by and say hello, you know with graduation and all, are you with someone? No, ah, I mean, my mothers here. Oh, well, can I come in? Im sorry, please, come in. Were out back in the patio, you should have come earlier, my mother made a paella. Lola was getting out of the pool as Parker held the door and Christina walked onto the patio, impressed by her. Christina, my mother Lola.

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Lola gave her two kisses and offered her a seat. Would you like a glass of wine, or an ice coffee? Ill have an ice coffee, thank you. Ill bring it out in a second, do you want one Parker. Thanks. Parker lit a cigarette and offered one to Christina. This is really nice here, your lucky you can smoke in front of your mother. Lola suspected that the night he used her car hadnt gone well. She found her pleasant looking; Parkers condition was evident as she watched from the kitchen. She returned with the coffee. So you must be excited about graduation tomorrow, your family will be coming? Yes, my parents and two sisters. The empty wine bottle towered above the table full of remains. She had a conception of the Spanish as decadent; what for her family were very formal affairs, the wine, the meals and the coffee for them were much more casual. The pliability of their lifestyle left her unsettled, without a clear sense of where she stood; she liked to know who she was with, it aided her in conversation and helped her to avoid uncomfortable references. In spite of her doubts, she felt among people whom she could be frank. And were are your parents from? asked Lola with a bluntness that caught Parker off guard. Theyre from Argentina, one of my grandmothers is from Almeria. Really, I am a great admirer of Borges. Christina smiled. You should read him, hes a national treasure. Have you ever lived in Argentina?

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No, Ive spent summers there, but Ive never lived their, its great, you can go skiing in the summer. Lola, after a difficult search, found a delicate quality about her that could be considered attractive. Have you thought about what you want to study, or are you like this guy here, who hasnt a clue. My parents want me to study accounting, but I dont know if Ill like it. Sounds thrilling. Added Parker with a look towards his mother. It wouldnt kill you to study something practical you, know. Sensing in her son her own repulsion to five years studying bookkeeping. Parker finds special meaning in algebra formulas, he might make a good accountant. Added Christina. Parker gave her a quick glance. Lola continued her questioning. Where will you be going to school? Parker was glad she asked. Ill be starting at University of Florida Summer B session. Parker furious that he had decided on University of Miami for Summer B instead University of Florida, having thought he would at least be in the same city. Lola followed the conversation with amusement. What about you, Parker? Im starting at UM in the summer, but Im also accepted at UF in the fall, so, depending on how I like it, Ill decide. Id prefer him closer to home, like all moms I suppose. Lola, feeling sufficiently debriefed, made her exit. Im going inside to get changed, it was nice meeting you Christina, and congratulations on your graduation.

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Thank you Mrs. Voll. Parker was a little nervous, it was easier with his mother there, he felt like a drink. Would you like to try a Spanish liquor we have, you drink it on ice in the summer, its good. Sure Parker returned quickly with the two glasses of Pacharan on ice, an orange, anise based liquor from Navarre. He put her drink down beside her, taking a sip of his own, then quickly removing another cigarette while offering one to Christina, which she declined. His nervousness was evident and it calmed Christina, giving her a sense of control despite the foreign environment. I cant believe you made me come to your house before you would talk to me again. Parkers grin was spontaneous and wide; he would have rather not made any expression, not sure how to respond, he didnt. Well, at least were talking again, I missed you in math class, with that mean look on your face everyday. She could see the effect she was having and began to relish the role of the loved one. Parker continued to smile and smoke. Im glad you came by. Isnt it great, graduation. Ive been looking forward to it for a long time. I liked high school, the sports, my friends. He lied. It was all right I guess, but college should be more fun, more freedom, more interesting people. Yeah. You know what I mean. I know, Im really looking forward to it to, I think the change of scenery will do me good. Parker glanced at her wrist, looked away, than back into her eyes, the pleasure intense 88

and palpable, the light reflecting back through an olive streak in her dark eyes, the seemed limitless. His look had a power to it, she thought, it must be his light olive, almost gray eyes, she found him attractive for a moment. We should get together over the summer. Definitely, give me your phone number, I dont have it. She took a paper out of her purse and wrote down her full name and phone number in pencil and ripped the paper out of the small pad and handed it to him. From behind the shadows deep in the purse lurked secrets he wanted to touch. She drank her Pacharan and asked him for another cigarette. I cant believe we didnt talk to each other for three months. She put the cigarette to her lips and Parker lit it with his Zippo. He was not ready to give up hard fought ground. It did make algebra a lot more boring. I guess you havent been taking anymore of your magic mushrooms, you were really out there that day. Parker was feeling the effects of the drink. That was special a day. He reached over and touched the bracelet, he could feel it again. I remember being fascinated with your bracelet. He spun it around once then removed his hand while she looked down smiling. Ive got to get going, but well see each other tomorrow, and lets get together sometime this summer. Great. He escorted her through the house and out to her car.

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Thanks for coming over. He said as she kissed him on the cheek. Christina felt good as she drove away. Parker returned to the patio and jumped into the pool. He wouldnt let himself think of anything, consequences, possibilities; nothing, enjoy the moment.

Chapter XIII
He roamed a village in the South of France, saw Buenos Aires for the first time, an affair with the wife of a Consul in Nigeria, the world was big the night before his graduation. Many of his classmates had been preparing for medical school or law school with tutors and advanced biology classes since the eighth grade, their futures mapped toward money and social status, recognizing each other through a common language and look, aspiring actors and singers, headed for renowned fine arts schools. What they had in common was a lot of drive and little shame, but on this eve Parker could only think of love and debauchery. * He scanned the audience for the face of Christinas mother to the tapping of piano sonatas and the false thunder of arrogant speeches. Two stunning sisters, making his fantasies all the more alluring.

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He approached the headmaster concentrating on the handshake, a quick glance toward the audience and a self conscious walk across the stage, he felt a tap on the head and when he turned around, it was Christina, diploma in hand, smiling. He woke up late the next day with the uncontrollable urge to look at the piece of paper with her phone number, marveling at the neat handwriting and the brilliance of her name, clear and crisp. * Absolute on the rocks with a twist. It was six oclock and the light was still strong, silent with the sunglasses on, it was all they could do not to break out into a fit of laughter. Only when the effects of the dope lessened and the alcohol increased were they able to maintain a normal conversation. Lets go swimming. said John. He dove in, Parker behind him. They swam out until they were far beyond any of the other swimmers, Parker paranoid about sharks. All right Parker, youve got to go down and touch bottom and bring up sand to prove it. He went down with his eyes closed finally reaching bottom, grabbing hold of sand and kicking his way up. John did the same, continuing farther out. The skyline smaller and smaller, as far as Parker had ever been swimming, he went down and didnt touch bottom, making the trip back that much more difficult without the kick. He reached the surface gasping. Johns clenched fist rose out of the water, dripping with sand, Parker happy to be heading back. Lets go back and have one for the road. Sounds good. They began swimming, the tall buildings full of near dead northerners rising on the horizon. Were not going anywhere dude, the tide is pulling us out and were not moving. He felt closer to the open ocean than to the coast, the terror of the sea pulling them 91

slowly into its bowels. Silently they stroked the water with all their strength, kicking hard, the ocean wanting them but mercifully letting them go, like a boy playing with a puppy. * A plate of cheese, olives and chorizo next to a half filled bottle of wine: an idyllic scene for a bad case of the munchies. Hi mom, nice little spread you have there. Go get another glass and you can help me with this bottle of wine. Parker took a sip than walked into the pool; he felt safe surrounded by the manicured lawn, the canal and the screened in patio. Are you excited about starting college? Apart form the mandatory English 101, I think Im going to take a history of cinema class. Great, youve been going to the movies a lot lately, havent you? Yeah She was uncomfortable bringing up the topic, memories of her grandmother interrogating her still vivid. Have you thought of what you might want to major in. I dont know, you know here youve got two years to decide, but Im thinking about maybe History or Literature. I wish I had finished, I only had a year to go when your father got transferred. I was studying Spanish literature. It bothers me that I was never able to finish, make sure you get the degree. Ill get it.

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That girl the other day was very nice, I saw her tap you on the head when you walked by. Maybe her family saw it too and was asking her about him. She is real nice. Are you going to see her anymore? Maybe, over the summer. Her coming over like that is a good sign, you werent expecting her, where you? No, it was a little strange, but you never know, Ill call her in a few weeks and see if she wants to go out. She seemed interested. Lola was not prone to easy compliments. Parker, I wanted to tell you that I think Im going to go back to Spain this summer, once you start school Ill go back for a month or two. I have to things to do and what not and maybe Ill start looking at places to buy. Great. We can spend time in on the farm house, right, its part yours? Sure, we can go there and spend all the time we want. Where are you going to look? In Murcia city, and if I can find something cheap maybe we can afford a place on the beach. That would be great. Come back once in a while and make sure everything is all right. I was wondering whether to put up the hurricane shudders.

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Dont worry about it, if there is a hurricane Ill have to come back anyway, cant stay in the dorm. All right, Ill make sure the house is stocked with water and supplies.

Chapter XIV
Gone were the familiar smells and the well worn views. He scanned the faces and felt the heat through the window during the beginning of the film industry, The Great Train Robbery, it wasnt what he had expected. The fresh faces drew him in, one next to him: small and gentle, her thighs firm and her skin dark, tomorrow Birth of a Nation. She looked afraid and she was gorgeous; he followed her into the heat, his sunglasses fogged, the sweat coming in seconds. From a bench near the class he waited and watched. Yellow clad Muslims praying on the grass, very healthy students with backpacks and tee-shirts posing as they spoke. From out of the crowd gorgeous approached. Her small face emerging from a mass of hair loosely pulled back, bare dark arms and a green skirt tugging at her thighs, she continued toward him. He looked up and smiled. Hi Looking forward to the movie? She asked as she put her books down and crossed her legs. I guess, Ive never scene a whole silent movie before.

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I saw it in the Filmoteca of my city, its good. He noticed the accent. Are you Spanish? Yes Where are you from? San Sebastian. Can you cook? Why, are you looking for a wife? No. He laughed nervously. You know Basque food. My mother is always talking about it, but she never makes anything that is Basque, thats why I asked. Where is she from? Murcia My mother is from Malaga, but my father is Basque and I was brought up in San Sebastian. We better start going over to the classroom. Right. My name is Ana Im Parker What? Parker, like the pen.

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Thats a very funny name. Why is it funny? I dont know, it just sounds funny. The blatant racism of the movie seemed shocking and amusing at the same time. He wanted to ask her to go have a few drinks, it was Friday. So Ana, what are you doing here at UM? Im studying English and preparing for the TOEFL, Im allowed to audit a class, and since I like movies very much, I decided to take this one. Your English seems good enough to pass the TOEFL. They watched the movie in their silence. So, what are you doing this weekend? Nothing, Ill probably sit by the pool and study. It seemed to easy and it probably was. Do you want to go out and have a few drinks tonight. He said looking at the screen and only turning his head toward hers for the last words. Id love to. He sat back for a few moments to enjoy his success as the Ku Klux Klan burned crosses and saved the South. Outside it was hot and bright compared to the cool, dark classroom. Where do you live? In the Collins Hall dormitory. Ill come by around eight, that all right? Fine.

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His first weekend and he had a date with a beautiful girl. He made himself a sandwich and drank a beer while he watched reruns of I Dream of Jeannie. It was early afternoon, and Parker slowly drifted to sleep. * He was walking down a street filled with sky scrapers but few people. He saw a fighting bull, brown, running down the street as if it where the running of the bulls in Pamplona. The bull was far enough away so that Parker could stand and admire its powerful body and brave movements. It continued toward Parker without eyeing him or coming directly at him, Parker backpedaling. The bull caught sight of him and galloped toward him; frightened, but confident he could find a place to hide, he ran down a side street and into the lobby of an apartment building, confident the bull wouldnt break through the doors. The bull came down the side street, saw Parker in the lobby, lowered his head and charged through, shattering the glass, Parker ran through the next set of doors which led to the elevators, the bull stopped, looked at Parker, then, as if losing interest, strode back into the street. * The light had lost its brilliance and he took it as a good sign that he hadnt been gored. He cleaned the room, made the bed, organized his desk and albums then went to buy beer. He showered with the music on, the calmness of the nap blending with the excitement of the date and being alone. With only a towel on he felt the chill of the air conditioning as he rolled two joints and left them on the night table. The light changed quickly with the arrival of distant thunder which grabbed the windows and shoke them, an eerie echo from the heavens. He opened the window that looked out upon a grassy area between dorm buildings and shut off the air conditioner; the cool breeze blew grass

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cuttings in the darkness as he waited for the impending rain. Just his jeans on, he drank a beer and watched a sheet of water coming toward the window, waiting for it to reach the room before closing it. It stopped its advance about hundred yards from the window; he waited and enjoyed the cool breeze, then suddenly, as if under orders, it resumed its march. He left the air conditioner off , enjoying the natural coolness from the rain. She wore the same skirt and top that she had on in class. This is a real American car. Yes, this is one-hundred percent American. Its like the cars in the movies. I thought we could go to Coconut Grove, have you been there? Oh, yes, I like it very much. That was some thunderstorm. I get very scared with these storms, the windows shaking, they are very violent. Her understated clothes and makeup stood out in Miami. They ordered pasta, she drank with gusto, Parker ordered another bottle. How are things en El Pais Basco with ETA and all, we dont hear much about it. I noticed, things are pretty much the same, a lot of people, wealthy people, are leaving because of the revolutionary taxes. Thats what you have to pay to ETA or else, right. They look at like the government can tax whatever and whoever they want, so why shouldnt they be able to tax, and they only tax the rich. Parker was intrigued by her answer; the figure of the terrorist, alone and living completely beyond the pale was an ideal and the son of a military man, killing for a cause was something he found acceptable. 98

What exactly do they want.? Their was a time, during the Franco regime, after they killed Carrero Blanco, when they were popular and it seemed like all they wanted was to get rid of the dictatorship, but now, that we have democracy, they continue to fight for an independent socialist Basque state. Is their support for them? Some, especially in the poor and working class areas of San Sebestian, Bilboa and even Pamplona. I have a friend of mine who is Irish, we sometimes go to Irish bars were all the bartenders are IRA supporters. Really, can you take me to one of those places. Sure. I know many people from the South of Spain think the people of ETA are a bunch of murderers, but it is really more complicated than that. Anas reluctance to come out completely against ETA made her more alluring. What do you think of Miami? Its a very interesting city, so many different people from all over, and some parts are very pretty. Diplomatic, he thought. Once you pass the TOEFL, what do you want to do? Id like to study journalism, at least for a year or two before I go back to Spain. If I can learn English well enough to write as a journalist I think it well help me very much. They finished the second bottle then ordered deserts, she was becoming more playful.

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And what are your plans? Oh, I dont really know, I guess I just want to get my college degree, than maybe go back to Spain Do you speak Spanish? I speak OK, I think with a few months there, Id be able to get along. They sat at the bar of the Hungry Sailor, Parker with a Harp and Ana a whiskey and Coke. It was cozy, dark and good for conversation. You like to drink, I can tell. You dont seem to dislike the stuff. I think it is strange that you would want to go back to Spain, you are from here. Maybe not for ever, just for a change, spend a couple of years their, learn to speak Spanish well. He was halfway through his drink when she had finished hers. He ordered her another. Are you trying to get me drunk? No, not at all. It was almost anticlimactic. Tell the truth, how do you really like it here? Ive been here now for eight weeks, and while I have made some friends, I find everything a little tacky, and the people obsessed with money and shopping. How many men has she slept with in those eight weeks? She was delicious, he asked her if she smoked joints. Yes, do you have any? Back in my room. You live in the dorms. He nodded.

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You get me drunk than you ask me back to your room to smoke a joint, I dont know. Youll be fine, I dont bite. He thought she had already given in. All right, but just to smoke a joint. At a traffic light a policeman pulled beside him, Parker sweating and his pulse racing. He became aware of the accelerator as the light turned green. The policeman sped away as if he were going some where in a hurry, Parker silent for most of the ride home. I was a little worried when I saw that cop, than can really nail you for drunk driving here. I thought that you were getting sick. It must have looked that way. He opened the door. Oh, its freezing in here. Ill turn off the air conditioner. He opened the window, closed the shade and put on

Kind of Blue. Ana sat on the bed watching him move around the small room. Would you like a beer? OK He handed her the joint and motioned for her to light up. I love this music Miles is great, isnt he? She handed him the joint and he took a deep drag, letting the smoke out in a powerful burst. He took another drag and then handed it to her. She put her right hand on his, a shot of electricity ran through his arm. Do you want to smoke some more? She asked.

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Ive got another joint. He lit it, taking a quick hit then passing it to Ana, her leg smooth. They woke up the in the afternoon having slept enough to not have to much of a hangover. Ana got up nude and went into the shower. Parker followed her, a few more hours making love. It was dusk and the two lay in bed smoking cigarettes, the orange light filling the gaps in the shade; he felt whole and complete, as close to how he felt with Christina as he ever would with any other person. Do you want to go to my house in Ft. Lauderdale, its only an hour from here, and there is no one there, its got a pool. And your mother? Shes in Spain for the summer. There was little traffic in the early Saturday evening on I-95. Parker drove and smoked and Ana sat beside him, silent, the end of his cigarette through the slightly opened window; the ashes flickering in the wind. He drove comfortably and fast and thought about how little he knew this girl yet how intimate he felt with her, the calmness and pride that comes with a lot of sex with a beautiful and desirable women. Ana suddenly came out of her silence, turning toward him to ask about his family and their background. You never knew any of your grandparents? None, I didnt have a lot of contact with my fathers family, he has one sister, my aunt Caroline. Shes a bit strange, she has two kids but I dont know them that well, my mother said she was weird because of a bad marriage or something. Im glad I met you, I was lonely, I havent really been able to make any friends here.

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I was kinda lonely too, my friends all have gone off to college and my mothers in Spain. But will have a good time now, have you ever had barbecue ribs? No, what are they? Racks of pork ribs, you kinda have to see them, their great, want to get some? Yes, I would like that. You seem older than you are? Being around older people a lot, no brothers or sisters. It must be lonely. I dont know, not really. Parker was so used to being lonely he really didnt know what it meant. All he know was that he felt different now and he was hungry. Ana watched Parker as he took off a rib from the rack and began devouring it. He noticed her watching him, curious to see someone eat their first rib; they ate with hunger, drank a few beers and had coffee with key lime pie for desert. Lets go down to the beach. Lauderdale by the Sea is nestled between the ocean and the Intercoastal, unlike most of the beach in Ft. Lauderdale, which is covered with hi-rises, it had the feel of a village, with many German and English tourists. Being summer time, it was easy to park and the two walked out onto the beach barefoot. She stood up on her toes and kissed him. He felt strong, he was aware that you can only have a first time once. The Village Tavern had an oval wooden bar with two high small round tables at the entrance, sleds, ice-skates and snow shovels hung on the walls. The crowd was mostly foreigners and waiters getting off shift from a nearby restaurant. He felt the last vestiges of his hangover leave him and the glory of the night before quickly return.

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He turned around on his couch from the baseball game to see her illuminated from the light of the TV, the bikini held up by the firm breasts, the light shuffling on her thighs. Ana dove in after him, he swam to her and kissed her than went to the edge of the pool and sipped his beer. She swam over and drank some of it, he felt himself getting excited; he sensed Christina escaping, fading away; he immediately reached out for her.

Chapter XV
The four second satellite image of the storm continued on in an endless loop; the voice a repetition of the same three or four things. He passed her the joint and listened to her throat as she exhaled. They woke up, cold and nude, uncomfortable in the single bed, the image continuing, the voice announcing a Hurricane Watch for Dade, Broward and Monroe Counties:

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the possibility of being under hurricane conditions within forty eight hours. Helen was her name, and she was crossing the Caribbean with 100 MPH winds. That afternoon there was a nervous energy on campus; a collective awareness of something being out there, something dangerous, almost alive. The more organized the storm, the more visible the eye, an angry stare. Ana asked questions and Parker relished the danger, secretly hoping the storm would strike. Late that night, Ana already asleep, he sat in a chair beside the television listening to the special news reports, they repeated what they had been saying all day, but he was attracted to the hysteria. He would wake up to news of a Hurricane Warning, general excitement and fear, or the letdown that they were out of danger. Parker knew he shouldnt want the hurricane to come, the death and destruction, all to satisfy his need for a thrill, but the only world that really meant anything to him was the one he had in his head, the collective repulsed him. There was a wall up that kept him beyond the clan, except for Christina, she connected and made him part of the whole. The storm plugged him into the world in a way he usually wasnt connected, it could raise the curtain and allow him to see again beyond it. He woke up to the alarm at nine, Ana began to stir. The tone of the image left little doubt, a few seconds later the anchorman confirmed the Warning: Helen had grown in strength and her present course would bring her somewhere between Broward or Dade Counties in the early hours of the next day. Parker sat transfixed, invigorated, and for the first time, scared, Ana attentive to every word from the television. Dont worry, my house is safe, but we need to go now. My mother stocked it with water and canned foods and batteries and all that stuff, so we dont have to shop, thank god. The stores

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are a mess. Im going to pack a gym bag, will drive to your room, get your stuff and will get going. What about class? she asked, startled. Class is canceled for at least a few days. They left without showering after getting Anas things, taking US1, which eventually leads to I-95. The traffic was tremendous and Parker needed gas. The line for the pump was seven cars long, people were nervous, verging on the hysterical, the man in the van immediately in front of Parker peered into his car, motor running, and no way to open the door. He nervously pulled his large, bouncy body to the gas station store looking for a slim jim, Parker drove around his van as the car in front of it moved forward, pumping the gas while the man asked people in cars up if they had a slim jim and knew how to use it. Once on I-95 the traffic eased and Parker drove fast. The supermarkets were packed and cars with ply wood on their roofs filled the streets, many businesss were already boarded up. It was eleven in the morning, he calculated five hours to put the shutters up and remove anything that could fly. They stopped at a Seven-Eleven for a twelve pack of beer and cigarettes before getting home. He stared at a the faded yellow paper with numbers that corresponded the shutters to their respective windows; it had been a long time since he had put them up and his momentary confusion frightened him. Ladder, shutters and screwdrivers, she would hold the shutter in place while Parker screwed in the bolts that held it up. Helens enormous center of low pressure sucked up all the bad whether around them, allowing the sun to pelt them, they sweat profusely. Her firm thigh muscle sending drops of sweat into the air as she worked, her breasts and her tan body shining. Full of adrenaline, they

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achieved a good rhythm and worked well for two hours. Lets take a jump in the pool to cool off. A neighbor approached. Hi Parker, looks like your almost there, wheres Lola, I havent seen her in a while? Shes in Spain for the summer, so I came back from school to get the place ready. He felt himself losing rhythm, annoyed at the interruption. She getting stronger, some storm. Are you going to ride it out here. Long arms ended in deep pockets. I think so, how about you? Dont know, these damn news people have got my wife in a stir, will see. His lips came together into an unintentional smile. I think well be all right. OK, good luck He smiled at Ana. He seemed a little nervous, didnt he? A little. Parker was feeling the exhilaration of work in the face of danger, unlimited energy and a clear mind. By four-thirty they had all the shutters up except for one panel in the patio to let them in back of the house. They began to move all the potted plants inside, the patio furniture fell slowly to the bottom of the pool. Ana, why dont you take a shower and in the meantime Ill make sure weve got enough of everything. Parker took two garbage cans, put clean bags in them and filled them with water, leaving one in each bathroom. After showering and shaving he filled the tubs with water.

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Have a beer. They watched the news, the tension and storm were growing. Sustained winds of 120 MPH were expected where it would make landfall, the anchorman read off evacuation areas. He debated whether to tell Ana or not say anything and maybe she wouldnt figure it out. The storm was large, but it wasnt big enough for them to have to leave. Theyre going to say that this is an evacuation zone, but only because the storm is barely a category three, a few miles an hour less of wind and we dont have to evacuate. He paused, she seemed calm. The house is well built and I think we are safer here than in a public school sleeping on the floor. Id hate to have to sleep in a room full of strangers, if you say it will be all right Id rather stay here. The TV reported that all the draw bridges would be permanently put up after eleven PM. Wanna run down to the beach and see the surfers, we can go over to the Village tavern and have a beer, see what people are saying. Lets go. He liked her spunk. All of the businesses on the other side of the draw bridge where boarded up and there was little traffic. The bright sun of the morning was replaced with low flying, fast, dark clouds. They walked toward a fishing pier; the bleached blonde hair, the colorful boards, but the arrogance was gone, they were at natures mercy, quick and graceless interludes between surfer and wave. Those boys are crazy. In the Village Tavern the bartender was quick to correct any commentaries by his inebriated customers as to the unimportance of Helen. You cant take any of these storms for granted, this is a big hurricane, theyre dangerous. Parker was wondering why he was serving drinks if it was so dangerous. He ordered an Absolute on the rocks and Christina had a whisky

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and Coke. Parker doubted whether these people, mostly tourists, really knew what they were up against. The news by this time was a constant satellite picture of the now very large and well defined storm, 130 MPH winds and moving in what seemed like a path directly toward them, the edge of the storm already over them on the radar picture. Parker felt very alive but guilty for having wanted the storm to come; Helen had heeded his call. When we get home you should call your folks and tell them you are OK, once the phone lines go down it could be a couple of days before they are back up, no electricity, no water and no phone, I need to call my mother too. What should I tell them? Tell them your with some friends in their house that is out of danger. Theyll want the phone number? Give it to them, the phones will be out anyway. Its just that my parents are a little strict, you know, about staying with you and everything. They drank and talked and enjoyed the fear and the tension. Parker now felt the curtain completely pulled back. The first squall came in, the wind and rain sobered the atmosphere; tabs were paid and the bartenders started to close. As soon as the first squall past Parker and Ana headed home, they parked the car in the garage and put the last panel up in the patio. We can have hot dogs and beans for dinner. It felt like the first few moments in a newly mounted tent. OK

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Ill be out in a second. Parker loaded both barrels of his fathers 20 gauge over under and left it in the closet. Dont mention the looters to Ana. As he made the hot dogs and beans he watched her staring into the television; the intensity made her more beautiful. Ana, call your mom, then Ill call mine. Its two oclock in the morning there. Yeah, we should have called before, but better they get the call now, then they see the images on TV and cant talk to you. While Parker spoke on the phone with his mother he heard the loudspeaker from the street, its message audible three times before fading into the wind: This is an evacuation area, you must leave immediately. You are in danger. Anas face blank. The frequency and intensity of the squalls increased, there was only a few hours more of electricity. He put the lanterns in the living room and the bedroom, a flashlight in the bathroom, one in the kitchen and two in living the room, he left the radio by the TV. The news reports had the eye passing right under them which meant they would get the worst of it. The rain was constant and the howl of the wind ever louder. Ana, now that we know were going to get hit, want to watch a movie on one of the cable networks until the electricity goes off, the news will only get us more nervous. I hope there is something good on. They found Mr. Smith Goes to Washington on one of the cable networks and settled in. The wind wailed, but they were lost in the movie and their beers. At the moment when Jimmy Stewart, beaten and exhausted, starts going through the letters on the floor of the Senate, the electricity went out. Darkness, the roar of the wind and the beating of the rain. Parker fumbled for the lantern, turning on the radio to hear the latest news. What do we do now?

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Grab a few beers and go to bed? They held each other and listened to the growling, it sounded alive, its fury beastly. Parker began to think about the possibility of tornadoes, one of them hitting the house was the worst scenario. When they woke up it was still raining and windy but less than the night before, the house was dark with the shutters up and smelled stale, the radio said the worst was over. They spent a few hours, naked, in the hot room holding each other tightly and passionately, unlike the night before. The rain slowly faded into a drizzle, by sunset the skies were clear, the next night hot and uncomfortable. They woke up early in morning, ready to break out, the damage was light and they spent the next few days cleaning up and taking down the shutters. They were outside, in the pool, drinking wine with no electricity, no phone and no running water; dreamlike. Suddenly, the electricity came on and with it the old world quickly returned. The remnants of what was behind the curtain lingered in the damaged trees and the destroyed boats and homes, but it slowly faded into the old cycle of work and money. The curtain, that Helen pulled back for an instant, returned and left Parker nostalgic.

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Chapter XVI
Soft shell crabs pan fried in butter and garlic looked up from the plate, their aroma slowly overcome by the steaks on the barbecue. The stump of a tangerine tree, sliced clean at a sharp and rising angle, a reminder of Helen. All was back to normal but things were yet to settle into there positions, the feel of a house just moved into, a subtle reminder of what had passed in a mindless, sensual afternoon. The phone disturbed, its ring arrived without anticipation. Hello Hi, Parker, is that you? He didnt recognize the voice. Its Christina, how are you? A big dose of mainline pleasure. Oh, good, how about yourself, where are you? Im here in Miami, I came home for the weekend.

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How do you like Gainesville? Oh, its OK, I miss home a bit, but I like it. Your at UM, right? Uh, Uh. Its OK I guess. Why dont you come down some time this weekend, we can go out, Id like to see you. Saturday would be too obvious, Ana would suspect. When are you going back? Monday afternoon, I dont have class until Tuesday. How about Sunday night? Great, what time can you come by? Around eight. He told Ana his aunt Caroline was coming for a few days and he would have to pick her up Sunday night; she usually came when Lola wasnt there, they had a touchy relationship. He felt guilt and abundance when he dropped her off, she noticed a change in his tone, their first night apart since they met. Once alone he relished the anticipation, lying in bed working out a timetable, in a few hours her mysterious world would open up to him. He decided to arrive late, watching Sixty Minutes to kill the time; they were pursuing the producer of pornographic films. His palms were sweaty, he had to wait another five minutes. He suddenly hurried out the door. The lush surroundings at the gate lifted his spirits. Who are you here to see? Christina Alberdi. It felt good to say her name. When he hit the button on the elevator a woman walked up behind him, impeccably dressed, she offered a curt smile and seemed out of the ordinary. He approached the door anxiously, savoring the moment. You must be Parker. 113

Hi. Im Christinas sister, Isabel, Christina will be out in a minute, come in. Better defined features, more stylish and exuberant, he was intrigued. He followed her movements, the thick lips and long hands. A large window framed the bay and bridges, the scent of the room sweet and inviting. Christina has told me a lot about you, you had a class together, right? Christina was on the telephone with Cleverson, they had been on the phone for almost an hour when the guard had called; she had been crying. Since her phone conversation with Parker on Friday she had unexpectedly seen Cleverson and spent the night with him. They were supposed to see each other again on Saturday when he excused himself at the last minute. Once she had hung up with him she was actually glad that she had made the date with Parker, it would take her mind off things, she realized he must think she was getting ready, she pulled her unwashed hair back, a little makeup and the watch he had given her. She looked better than he imagined her, sure it was all for him. I know a place on Key Biscayne, I think youll like it, it has a great view of the Bay. She hit the button on the elevator. Sounds good. You never told me your sister was so attractive. We can go back and get her if you want. It might look strange, youd never guess you were sisters. Parker had a swagger that was new. The last orange light shot through the skyline and over the bridges. He felt witty and convincing while Christina was enjoying the upper hand. They watched the last rays disappear from the outside table, the temperature finally releasing its grip over the day. Its strange to see you out of school, we only went out once, to the French restaurant, what an excellent meal, you seem different though. 114

Better or worse? More mature. I guess thats better. The extra ten pounds looks great on you. Do I like fatter? You can hardly tell, especially from a distance. Your are such a jerk. No, Im only kidding, you look great, especially in those non-ethnic colors. You like my shirt, its new. The navy blue short sleeve silk blouse was tucked into jeans with a thick belt and dark loafers. The relief of the night, her eyes looking at him through the semi-darkness left him awed. She played, reviving from the bad phone call. Its pretty, were did you get it. My mother got it for me, shes like you, shes always telling me how bad I dress. How is your mom, I really liked her, she seemed so young. Shes in Spain for the summer, shes thinking of moving back. I hope she does, it would be great to be able spend some time there, maybe a year or two. You really like Spain, dont you. But you have to come see me, remember I was going to take you to a bullfight. I cant wait. Parker ordered his third drink and Christina was keeping up with him. So, Parker, have you got any girlfriends at UM? It caught him off balance. No, no girlfriends. He answered without conviction, wishing he had a more lighthearted response. She knew what he wanted to say. I think I might try one of those Arab women who

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pray on the lawn in front of the library. Its those covered faces with the eyes looking at you, Im dying to pervert one of them. Your sick. How about you, find yourself a frat boy at UF. No, Im really kind of lonely up there. Things are much different then they are in Miami. I miss being here. You all right? We better order some food or were gonna get drunk.. Parker noticed something, but she was still good that way. A few more drinks she had in her but the alcohol had got her in the other way; she wanted to talk. No, Im fine. Its just that I had a talk with someone before you came, and it was kind of difficult. A new girlfriend? She smiled and shook her head. Who is he? Someone from my building, we met at the pool and started seeing each other. At first everything was great, but then he would tell me he only wanted to see me, and I would see him at the pool with other girls or he would break dates with me at the last minute. What does he do? He is in to all sorts of strange things, not drugs, but one day he showed me a bag of emeralds. How old is he? Hes twenty eight. When my parents found out they got very upset. My father had him investigated. I dont know what he found but he told me he didnt want me to see him anymore,

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but you know how they are always traveling, so I was able to see him a lot any way. Thats why they made me go to UF, I wanted to go to UM, but because they knew I was seeing him, they made me go up there. How long have you been seeing him? He waited. Since right before Christmas. But its over now, I dont want to see him anymore, its just not fair, I really cared for him and I was honest with him and he only took advantage of me. He didnt have to trick me and lie to me. Why did you call me? Her eyes opened wide Because I wanted to see you, Im done with him. He stared at her ferociously. The smoke left both nostrils and he looked like he was going to get up. The tears began to swell in her eyes, the first one fell from the corner of an eyelid but her face remained steady. He leaned forward and looked down. Whatever. Dont leave me here, please. The tears became a steady stream, one had reached her chest, Parker staring at its path. He got the bartender with a glance and quickly paid; they probably thought it was for him. He reached out for her wet hand, except for the tears her face remained expressionless. He was opening the door when he heard her start to cry, his upper lip twitching, pulling at his nostrils. He put his hand on the top of her arm slowly moving her around, his hand under the sleeve, the skin felt magical, she put her head on his collar, now crying intensely, the tears falling under his shirt. He rubbed her back and kissed her forehead, he couldnt help it. She wiped her eyes as they crossed the long bridge, she was barely visible to him. I dont want to go home, cant we stop some place and talk. 117

I can pull in here. A beach parking lot on a small island between bridges in the middle of the bay, he began to turn before she said anything. This is fine, lets go out on the beach and have a cigarette. He followed her out, bracing himself for explanations. The water splashed gently on the sand, she looked ahead, the buildings now taller, more imposing, puckering as she exhaled, only remnants of tears. She took his wrist into her palm and measured it between her thumb and forefinger, lowering it and bringing his head towards hers. Her tongue was rough, her hair on his shoulders, he opened his eyes to see her lids, then glimpsed at her ankle, the loafer almost off the dark foot. They held each other silently for a long time. I cant believe this. She smiled as if she had scripted it, then kissed his nose and his mouth. The dark of the night had paled into a predawn, he drove with control, spinning the silver bracelet. Alone, he had an early breakfast out, leaning to his sleeve to receive her fragrance.

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Chapter XVII
The fan blew hot hair from below a Cure poster. Kevin McMartin, with whom Parker shared a dorm suite, sat in a chair beside the bed; her bleached blond hair cropped short, the green fatigue pants long on the bed, the mouth hard on the gum. Parker eyed the joint. Parker, youve got to listen to the Butthole Surfers, theyre incredible. Yeah man. Finally receiving the joint. You guys ready? They nodded and he brought in three more beers. Stoned, hot, drunk and sickened by the idiotic pseudo rock & roll culture, he desperately wanted to be somewhere else. Why would someone want a seven hair beard, why had he transferred to the University of Florida? * If I come up for the spring, can we get a place together? I guess, Id have to check with my mother. I dont think we got along. She can be a little chilly. They had spent a Saturday afternoon in bed, sweaty and stoned from Kevins dope. Come on Parker, lets do something. Im kinda beat, why dont we watch TV and have a few beers, we can go out once it cools off. His eyes locked on the grid iron. Its eight-thirty, if we start watching TV and drinking well never go out. Looking at her was to lose or to fight, he continued staring at the television. Cant you tell Im tired.

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Sometimes I think the only thing you want to do is drink and have sex, there is more to life you know. All right, all right, well go out. At the mercy of the waves of the crowd, unbearably loud top forty made conversation impossible. Countless hands reached out to the bartender, a girl spun, forced into the bar by the first lunges of a fight, her glass on the ground, hair full of beer. * He was looking for a sign from the gods that it was time. He knew there was no way to hide his motive for transferring, but he would say the private University of Miami was to expensive. Two and a half months under a spell, a spell he didnt want to break until he had to have more. It was no longer good with Ana, he needed Christina. A roommate answered the phone and he didnt leave a message, an hour later he did. A close World Series game, waiting for the phone to ring, he couldnt lose himself in it. Beer after beer, he looked at it hoping he could make it ring. She answered. Is Christina there? This is Christina. Hi, its Parker. Oh, hi Parker, where are you? Im up here, I started here in August? Oh really, thats great, how do like it..? What are you doing this weekend, I thought we could do something if you wanted.

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Oh, Id love to, but Im going home for the weekend, Ive got your number and Ill call you next week and well get together. The tone was all wrong and her call and never came, a call to Ana and she said she was leaving for the Keys; he knew she was going with another man. Parker went to a liquor store and bough a bottle of Jim Beam, a bag of ice, passing out to reruns of SWAT on a local station. Ana called continuously but Parker refused to talk to her, Kevin took the messages; he could smell her with someone else. How did he know? When he received the letter he hadnt spoken to her in three weeks. * Dear Parker, I dont know why you wont talk to me or what I could have done to you but I need to speak to you. Whatever it is that you are upset about please let me know. We shouldnt let things end this way, at least tell me why you cant or dont want to speak to me. If you just want me to disappear please tell me. Im planning to go home in a few weeks and I would like to see you before I leave. Please call. * He tried to imagine himself touching her but he could only think of the other; he waited over a week before calling. Parker, whats wrong, what made you change? Nothing Dont end it like this. He wanted to say goodbye but he couldnt, a long silence, Ill come down to take you to the airport.

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Come down the day before, at least we can go out, spend a night together. After hanging up Parker felt nauseous; he was unable to forgive, or understand why Ana, after he had practically abandoned her, would turn to someone else. * Endless hours of straight highway, the occasional orange grove, the welcome small hill. It was hypnotizingly monotonous, but like a long walk it cleared his head, a wave of ridiculousness rose and this time he couldnt stop it. Ana, you look great, I missed you. He gave her a kiss. She looked at him as if she were surprised, but not wanting to lose it. Ive been so lonely without you. They made love then went to an Irish bar in Coral Gables. Dark, elegant, an all Irish staff, behind the bar a large collection of Scotch Whiskeys. Two single malts straight up. I told you I was going to take you to an Irish place. She stood out like a monument among the wiggly and the crass. Are all these men in the IRA? The handsome Irishmen were far from terrorists, most more sophisticated then their those they served. I dont know, I doubt it. The IRA guys are in a different place, not as nice as this one, and I doubt any of them are really in the IRA, the hard talk gets them bigger tips. Why didnt you ever take me here before, I really like it. I had to save something for the end. The sentence struck hard. When he was making love to her he caressed her thighs and breasts knowing that someday she would have a nice middle class life, two kids, the latest fashions and her month of vacation at the beach, she would be a good catch and it turned him on.

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She woke him by kissing him slowly and gradually downward. He opened his eyes to her using her teeth and finally as he came she bit down, so hard that he was left bloody. She apologized for having gotten carried away, he had difficulty putting on his jeans. From the seventh floor 747s landed behind her, she was gorgeous, but it was to late. What are you going to do when you get back? It fell stale. I dont know. When do you start college? I have to wait till next September. She looked down at her drink, he at a jet landing.

She thought she was going to want to get on the plane as quickly as possible, but now she was hoping for a delay. Parker wanted to say that maybe they could see each other when he went to Spain. She was waiting for him to say it, but he didnt. The time passed slowly and they finally walked toward the gate. She put her carry on bag down and the tears began to fall, these were for him but he was miles away. Take care of yourself. She walked toward the gate and he watched her, when he thought she might turn around, he turned away. * Strolling through the 24 hour supermarket at two in the morning, dodging the stock boys, long nights learning to cook in his studio apartment. He was attracted to the silence of the night, no burning sun, no cheery students in their convertible Volkswagens, he could read, watch a movie on video. His pride began to slip away; calling her, she was never in, and didnt return his messages.

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On a fall day he went to a small book store and bought The Sorrows of Young Werther, he finished at dawn and started a letter. * Dear Christina, I hope all is well. Its unfortunate that we havent been able to get in touch with each other, I suppose you dont want to see me, I understand, but it doesnt change the way I feel about you. I thought things were going to be different after the last time we saw each other. If you only knew how strongly I felt I think you would change. The fact that someone loves you so much is very special and rare. Even if you dont feel anything for me the simple fact that my feelings for you are so strong could develop an affection in time. I only ask for a chance to show you how I feel. Since you wont speak to me on the phone please write. * The second he dropped it through the mailbox the sun washed away the mystery and hope of the night.

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Chapter XVIII
Julien Sorel fit Parker like a glove, the hangover was strong, it weakened him and while he wanted to listen to the discussion he could only look at the extraordinary legs across the room. Her dark hair was cropped at an angle following the chin, the face young and unimposing, a soft voice that carried. The hangover charged his emotions, her thighs transcended the moment,

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youth and beauty; he avoided meeting her eyes. His breathing became heavy, his mouth dry and stale from the nights alcohol. His eyes couldnt leave her, he followed her at a distance long after she had taken a course different from his own, the new environment enhancing her, his focus intense. Her legs and rear moved with a hypnotizing rhythm as she entered one of the libraries. He scanned the row of computers, then the stacks, the search increasingly frantic. His obsession finally startled him, he returned home afraid of what had happened, and what he had momentarily become. * A can of soda rolled down the center isle of the auditorium, striking the beat of the steps, hundreds of students looking down lazily at the professor speaking into a clip-on microphone. Parker looked around him, at his book, at the ceiling, finally finding a familiar face. He collected his books and moved toward the empty seat beside her. Kim. Parker. How are you? Said Johns high school girlfriend. Talk to John lately? He called me the other day, he told me you were here. Id be great if he came down for a weekend, I havent seen him in a long time. Hey, listen, Ive got to run, but why dont we meet after class on Friday and have a couple of beers. * The brisk Friday traffic sped excitedly by the covered patio, the heat from the chicken wings watering their eyes, the beer cooling their throats. My roommate was a total pot-head, he 126

turned me off to the stuff, really, I dont smoke half as much as I did in high school. He spent all day smoking and listening to the Cure. It sounds like you and John with your Led Zeppelin. Maybe, but we were in high school, at least I had a suite. I shared a dorm room Summer B with that girl you liked in high school, Christina Alberdi. The lost trail recovered. What, did John tell you that? Um hm. She said a little embarrassed. Do you keep in touch with her. We became close, wed go out together and stuff. When I go home I usually see her. What ever happened to that Brazilian guy she was seeing? Oh, she told you about him, he finally left the country, I think he got in trouble or something. He didnt want to make it seem like an interrogation. I never had much luck with her. Thats what John told me. He was hoping she would give up more information. Maybe later. Is she seeing anyone now? I think she is going out with a Venezuelan who works for her dad. They keep it all in the family. *

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He opened his eyes and by the light in the window he knew he had overslept. He was completely dressed, shoes on. The exam began a 10:15, the red quartz blinked 10:58. He ran to the bookstore to buy the exam booklets, arriving to see the last student turn in his test. He could always drop the class, he thought. Parker approached, with a look of hangover that was unmistakable. Dr. Harris, uh, I overslept, Im sorry. Is there anyway I can take the exam now or whenever it would be convenient for you. The grin on the professors face read compassion. Can you take it now, I mean, are you ready. Parker realized how bad he must have looked. Yes sir, Im ready. He handed him the test. Ill be in my office for a few hours, bring it down when your done. When Parker sat down he felt the full effects of the hangover, writing spastically, barely able to see what he had written. * He had been checking his mailbox religiously, it became the high point of his day, almost not wanting the letter to arrive; on his favorite day of the week, a Thursday, it was there, resting gently at an angle. He looked at his name written in her hand and it filled him with hope, a first. He left it on the desk. He bought beer and a bottle of Jim Beam, cleaned up, still not ready. He

left again, a slice of pizza, an anxious hour in a record store, a second hand CD of Beethovens Fifth Piano Concerto. The grass of the manicured campus smelled fresh, red brick buildings covered with moss encouraged him. He recalled the whole day, when he woke up, what he did before receiving the letter, wanting to savor it, remember it while it was still good. He watched a series about a hospital, occasionally looking over at it, drinking a beer. Eyeing it, smelling it, finally cutting open its side with a pair of scissors, seeing the letters, not the

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words. He made himself a Bourbon on the rocks and lit a cigarette, putting the ashtray on his night table beside the drink and slowly removing the letter. * Dear Parker, Im sorry it took so long for me to write you back, Ive been very busy with my classes. Accounting is terrible. I failed the first exam and I was going to drop it but the professor convinced me to stick it out. I hope I can pass. How are your classes? I think I will be transferring to UM for the Spring term so I can be closer to my family. Its such a long drive from here and I really miss them. Im sorry I havent been able to keep in touch but I think it is the best for both of us if we dont talk on the phone or write for a while. Love, Christina * He smoked another cigarette and drank, a familiar feeling, the letter lying on his chest, then aflame in the ashtray, a crack, carbon on the night table. He put water on it, flakes of black floating through the room, the smell staying well into the next day.

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Chapter XIX
Months away from graduation, Parker had a pleasant surprise. From above the sloping rows of seats he spotted a familiar face. You were in my French Lit class, werent you? Peaking at the legs. She smiled pleasantly. Yes, I remember you. Those books were good. I know, I loved The Red and the Black A mind to accompany the legs. Juliet became a small pleasure. *

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Long hair, dread-locks, bare feet, Im so happy, arent you? smiles: black beans, rice and tofu. I cant believe you are making me eat this stuff. Come on, admit it, its really good. Responded Kim. Wonderful. At least the beers went down well. You wont believe this guy I met, he is so neat. Neat, let me guess, long hair, hes in a really cool band, and he sort of has a girlfriend, but he really doesnt like her anymore. Fuck you No, really tell me about him. Well, he is in a band, but no he doesnt have a girlfriend and he has short hair, youd really like him, hes a history major. A history major, hell have about the same chance of getting a job as I will. Feeling like an idiot as he said it. And me with my philosophy degree. Do you really want to work, I mean, is their anything that you would rather do than sleep in the morning? The topic animating him. I dont know, I guess so, maybe teach. Kids, they would turn me into a total alcoholic. I think that man was not made to work. Go out, kill an elephant, spend a couple of weeks eating it, than go kill another one, have you ever seen those documentaries on the pygmies. Those guys go hunting once a week or so. You are about the laziest person I have ever met.

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When I played basketball, practice everyday, I drank and smoked less, I think I was not only healthier but saner, the exercise, the winning and losing was like the hunt, but now, Im a total zombie. At least you realize it. The repugnant food now gone, the slow rhythm of a college town waiting for Friday night seduced them, a few more beers. I may be lazy, but what motivation do I have to work, Im well fed, I have booze, an occasional women. The only motivation I have to work would be more sex. But that is the point where I become lazy and prefer not doing anything to becoming a millionaire just to have sex with loads of women. Sometimes I think my problem is that I tripped. Those of us who have delved into the psychedelic world, I think we are all effected. We have seen another world and find this one too ridiculous to try and live in. Ive never thought about it that way, I think it does change you. Graduate school is the only answer, postpone the agony. * Brad was as WASPy as they come: short blonde hair, blue eyes and a weightlifters build. He was a mix of cro-magnum man, surfer, and sixties NASA scientist; he loved Ronald Reagan and white people. He would constantly ask Parker what part of South America Spain was in and if his mother made a good bean gruel. Brad broke. A scantily dressed Latin girl strutted by the table. Dude, go lay beaner rap on her. Shell love you. Parker sank three balls in a row, Brad returning to the game. Parker had a clear shot with little angle, the only difficulty being the distance to the pocket. Lot a lawn to mow, lot a lawn. He missed badly.

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You cocksucker. He drank his beer and watched Brad bounce around the table, looking for a shot. Hey Brad, anyone ever tell you that you look like Barney Rubble. Expressionless as he shot, the ball slapping the back of the pocket. You WASPs are unflappable. Damn right. Parker entered his studio with a six-pack and cigarettes, the music played and he drank till he couldnt drink anymore. * Walking down an unpaved street, houses rose on one side and open fields stretched on the other. The homes sat on stilts to protect them from the river they guarded. Parker continued down the street until he reached the house he was looking for and knocked on the door, one of the girls told him she would be home soon. A houseboat was docked on the river behind the house. Christina finally came in and told Parker to wait for her on the houseboat, she promised to be there soon. He laid on a large green bed which occupied the entire room, the porthole looking out on a patch of saw-grass. He felt the rejection that often accompanied Christina. Suddenly, she came into the room, apologizing for the delay, saying she had to see some friends. She held him from behind, her hands on his arms, he relaxed into extreme pleasure. * He lit a cigarette and continued to hold on to her, and she stayed. She began to slip and he drank a beer, which he wasnt accustomed to so early, and she came back again. He continued to drink, prolonging the pleasure, seventies love songs on the radio, he finished the beers and wanted more. The sun was melting him, blinding him, taking her away from him. He struggled

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back with the beer and cigarettes, arriving to the cold, dark studio, quickly drinking and hoping she would return, and she did. He hoped she would be home. Hello, is Christina there. No, shell be back around four, whos this. Julio, a friend from school, Ill try her back later. Parker realized how drunk he was when he spoke to her sister on the phone. He had to force the words out, another hour, he needed to speak to someone. He dialed the long number, the sound of the ring strange. S Est Ana? De parte de quien Julio He was drunk and he was Julio. His heart was beating. Si Ana, its Parker, how are you, its been a long time. Hi Parker, where are you? Im here at school, I just wanted to see how you where. Im OK I miss you a lot, I wish you had stayed. I miss you to, Parker, have you been drinking. A little, but it doesnt matter, how are you, do you have a boyfriend? Yes If I come over youll get rid of him wont you?

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Parker, your drunk, you dont call me or write me in three years and now you call me drunk, write me when you sober up. I love you Ana, I should have treated you better, you were the right girl for me and I screwed up, remember the hurricane? Yes, please, when your feeling better. Do you love your boyfriend? There was silence. O.K., if you dont want to talk thats all right, I just wanted to let you know I loved you, take care. Adios. She hung up. At least he knew, screw her, Christina was the real one. His speech was slurred and he knew would repeat things, he was losing his nerve. Drunken logic is logic without shame. He stumbled over to the bed and began dialing her number, he had memorized it after seeing it for the first time, four years prior. Hello. It was her, he wanted to hang up. Christina? Yes this is Christina Its Parker, how are you. Parker, how are you, where are you? Im here in Gainesville. They all wanted to make sure he wasnt where they were. How are you, I had a dream about you, so I thought I would call. It was a good dream, but still it made me want to call you. He was trying not to slur. Im doing well, studying a lot.

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Come on, your not studying that much, youve got to be having some fun, if your not Ill have to come down there and make you have some fun. I have some fun, but I think you are having more fun than I am. Are you happy. Am I happy? Yes, I want to make sure your happy. If your happy, than Im happy. The sound of her voice was sublime, it transcended sound, and with the alcohol, it returned him to the moments of joy from the dream. If he could just continue talking to her, he was very drunk, smoking and drinking while sitting on the bed with the phone. Im happy Parker. Are you all right. Im OK, I guess I kind of freaked you out with that letter I wrote you, I didnt mean to, but you know how it is. You didnt freak me out, it was a sweet letter, but I thought you would have gotten over that by now. Ill never get over it, you only fall in love once, and unfortunately it didnt work out for me. Thats not true, Parker, there are other chances, youll find someone. Youve been drinking, havent you. A little, but the drinking only lets me say what I could never say when Im sober, that I love you and only you and I will always love you, I know, I know, you dont feel that way for me and thats all right, really, I just want you to be happy, are you happy, really happy? I try and be as happy as I can. Maybe you should call me back when your feeling better. 136

Do you remember that night on the beach, Ill never forget it. I remember. After that I thought things would be different, but thats all right, thats how things work out sometimes. Silence, he thought he had lost her. Parker, sometimes things are more complicated than they seem, I remember that night. If you ever need anything, anything, just call me and Ill do it or get it, OK, take care. Parker, call me when youre feeling better, get some sleep, bye. He felt a great relief in spite of the absurdity of it all; he knew he would regret it but now he wanted to enjoy it, like the dream, her voice. He was suddenly lonely, very lonely; the studio, which had offered him refuge from the world now felt like a trap, he wanted light and people. A shower, the toothpaste strange on the beer breath. The long bar was empty, in spite of being clean he felt dirty, they must know he was drunk. He practically inhaled the hamburger and fries, than a bourbon and ice. The waitress seemed sweet, pardoning his state. Your gorgeous. Thank you. Behind the widening grin. Ill bet no one has told you that in a couple of days, tell the truth. No, nobodys told me that in a while.

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Chapter XX
Smooth skin tugged at thighs draped in a blue skirt, he had been looking forward to seeing Juliet. Hi Parker, are you ready? I think so, I did some studying last night, but lets go over things again. Especially Jung, I think the essay question will be on Jung. He has been talking about him a lot. He admired the thin wrists. We can review some notes I made from the text. Freshly shampooed hair, ankles to match the wrists, delicate ways. What are you doing this summer? She asked. Im going to relax, go to the beach, nothing really, what about you? Summer A Ill be here, Im going to take Summer B off, Im thinking about applying for a semester in Paris, so I might take a French class at my community college. You look French. No, Im Italian, but Ive always wanted to learn French. So would I, do it, youll have a great time. She could remain a pleasant memory, a could have been for hard times, he would leave the next day, she might fall apart over dinner and ruin it. Do you want to get something to eat after the exam? Sure. Sweet, un-calculating, magnificent legs; she would have made an excellent Christina.

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Parker liked exams. The anticipation reminded him of the locker room before basketball games. He went through the multiple choice questions, answering the ones he knew and marking the ones he didnt, the essay question was on Jung, he felt like a veteran, leaving a few pretty sentences around the professors favorite ideas and phrases. He went back to the multiple choice questions he didnt know and a few had come to him in the interim. She smiled as he passed her. She changed the familiar route; the red brick buildings and manicured lawns were friendly for this last encounter, the strangers smiling. I dont have an ID, Im only 19. I think they recognize me, Ill order for you, what do you want? What are you going to have? She asked shyly. A cheeseburger and a beer. Ill have the same. I usually dont drink, my parents are really against it. They dont drink, are you some kind of Italian Mormon? No. She laughed. My father used to drink a lot, and he gave it up, he takes a pill that makes him sick if he drinks. Dont laugh, its not funny, I dont know why Im telling you this. Im sorry, I didnt mean to laugh. Do you remember when your father drank? It was terrible, we would go out on the boat and by the time we got back he would be completely drunk. My mother would have to dock the boat and she didnt really know how. Parker was holding back a smile, she finally grinned. So if he takes this pill, and drinks, what happens?

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He gets nauseous I think, and starts to throw up. But just because he cant drink, I dont see why I cant. Theyre not going to know if you are drinking here, just dont drink when you go home. So what are you going to do when you graduate? Im officially graduated, as of now, if Ive passed all my classes, which, knock on wood, I have. This was your last exam? Yup Congratulations, wow, it must feel great to have finished. Its kind of a let down, but it does feel good, no more all-nighters and exam weeks. But Ill wind up going to grad school probably. For what? American Lit. The job outlook with a liberal arts degree isnt exactly marvelous. I was talking to my mother and she said there where some openings for bank tellers at ten dollars an hour. That wont get you to far, I think Ill put it off. I know what you mean, Ive got two years left and my parents are already asking me what Im going to do when I graduate. For all our complaining the college life really isnt that bad, especially if you work it out right. Im going to try and enjoy myself as much as I can. Good idea. They ate with hunger, it had been a long time, he liked her youth.

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You dont have a boyfriend here? Her head back, a squint in her eye. What makes you think I dont have a boyfriend? I dont know, you dont seem like you do. I dont, I was seeing someone for a while but we broke up, he was in a fraternity and he was always out with his fraternity brothers. You probably arent missing much, but then again, Im not the most social person in the world. What do you think the attraction is of those fraternities, he was more interested in the fraternity than he was in me. I think its the offer of constant partying and friends. Twenty-four hours a day, there is always someone to bullshit with, to get drunk with, to watch the game with, you know what I mean? I guess so, I like my friends and all, but I wouldnt want to live in a sorority house, the dorm was bad enough. Parker was starting to think that she was one of his kind. I couldnt stand the dorms either, remember the dorm rats. In my dorm there were about ten of them, they were all ugly and goofy and they only left the dorm when they had to go to class. I would come back drunk and go into the lounge and play games of chess with them completely drunk and make rude comments to the girls, that was the only time I could put up with them. They were on their third beer. Im finally feeling good, what a long week, I hope I never have to see a pizza again.

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You dont have a girlfriend either, do you? She crossed her wrists, her fingers pushing her plate forward. No, its been a while since Ive had a girlfriend. Why? Her eyes could have said anything. I guess I havent met the right girl, well there was one girl. The lack of sleep combined with the beers to weaken him. I guess I got kind of hooked on her and since then Ive sort of, well you know what I mean. You mean you fell madly in love and you cant forget her. More or less. So your a romantic. I guess I am. * He wanted to remember her as she was. It was nice meeting you, I wish we had met sooner. So do I. Good luck. She kissed him on the cheek, like those people you meet in airport bars. Pizza boxes were stacked five high, he would clean up tomorrow, have the manager inspect the room, give him back his deposit, and off he would go; he would miss the solitary life: the nights reading and cooking, the afternoon swims, his first place. The bed was marvelous, a week waiting for this moment, his mind clear. Maybe a movie, On the Beach, the first five minutes convinced him, the light of the TV flickered on the boxes of books and stacks of clothes while he enjoyed the rest. 142

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PART III

Chapter XXI
Caroline Shultz maneuvered her large rear to the suit cases, breathing heavy, eyes staring straight and tired out of her fleshy face. Aunt Caroline, I can take you to the airport. He said as unconvincingly as possible.

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No dear, thats OK, you rest. Where was Agueda? Two honks of a horn, their fat hips and red faces suddenly became warm and tender. You call us for anything, Ricky will be down soon too see you. She had taken care of everything. He had slept almost fifteen hours, the shiny butt of the shotgun showing from under the bed: the look on her face when he found, being afraid to touch her. He stared at the phone, wondering if it was ringing while he unpacked the groceries; it was good to be back in the now well stocked house. Fresh bottle on the table, he settled in while Charlie Rose talked over his guest. * A mullet jumped three times, landing head up, tail clipping the water and bringing the body down in a wide splash. The orange and blue sky motivated him to leave the house and drive to one of his favorite places. The smell of leather and flavored coffee, the fashionably dressed, wealthy foreigners caressing Japanese high fidelity, freshly picked high school girls smoking their first cigarettes, it was silent and sheltered. Across from an Italian coffee machine a woman in white held a wine glass, her sunglasses perched above her pulled back hair, gentle curves on a fine fabric. He positioned himself between a set of pots and a food processor hoping to catch her eye, a short stare and she looked away haughtily. Plagued to cut his hair for weeks, pleased that he would finally liquidate the urge. She looked like a lion behind the thick curly hair and loose swaying skirt. Hi, my name is Blanca, follow me please. Her long nails dug into his scalp, the tension leaving through his cheeks. He noticed the accent. Where are you from originally?

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Argentina. The Pampa that produced his Christina. Her large breasts brushed him from behind a sleeveless embroidered blouse. Did they do it for tips or did it just happen? Your not from Florida, are you, I dont know anybody who is a native. No, but Ive spent most my life here. What nationality are you? My mother is Spanish and my father was American. Still hard to put her in the past tense. What a mix. My boyfriend is Spanish. From what part? Madrid, he lives in New York now, he comes down to see me on the weekends sometimes. Why dont you go up there? My son is sixteen, I would hate to change his school and everything, besides my boyfriend is older, you know, I like my freedom. He comes down here and in five minutes its all over. I have a boy Ive been seeing, his twenty two, we screw like dogs, hours, he finally gives up, my son get very jealous when he comes over. Hes Irish, he takes me to these Irish bars to drink. I like those places. Maybe we can go some night, I look bad now because I have a cold, but Im a very attractive woman. She brushed her breasts up against his shoulder again, what he was looking for in the woman in white.

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Are you still sick, you look OK. Im almost better, I just didnt do myself up this morning like I usually do. It was the screwing like dogs that ruined it, it was probably all for a tip. * He had five days but they seemed like five minutes. Knowing his time was short, the more he enjoyed his roast chicken and bottle of wine. A chocolate mousse and then the Bourbon, it would end at dawn, a movie, an interview and another movie. A long weekend with his cousin Rick, a lengthy interruption, he didnt even know it was a long a weekend; the TV had sanded his nerves and left him weary of the world. Trying to avoid eye contact with the sheriff, he waited double parked for his cousin who finally approached with moussed hair and wayfarers. Parker, Im really sorry about your mom, how you doing, you getting by? Im all right. At least he got it with over quickly. Hey, is it to late to go to the beach? Ive been thinking about it all day, its freezing in Cincinnati. Sure, we can stop off at home, get changed, and still have time to take a swim. Parker realized he hadnt swam in the ocean in over a year. Ive got more of a tan than you do and I live in Ohio. Youve got to get out more. The verandah extended out of the cheap motel onto the sand, the bar was half tourist, half regular; Parker felt nude with a bathing suit on in the sharp sunlight. So Parker, what did you study in school. English Lit

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English Lit, what do you do with English lit? You can go to grad school, that was what I was going to do this fall, but with everything that happened and all, I put it off. The two Masters programs he was accepted to wrote him and even called him to see if he would take his place but he did not respond. But in what? Well, I was going to do American Lit. But with that what can you do, teach? Parker refrained from body language. I suppose so, you went to grad school right, an MBA. Right. And now what do you do? He stood up, arm on the stool and drink in hand. Im working for __ , in the generic household products division. So you went to grad school to sell people toilet paper without any labels on it. No, its more than that. I know, Im just kidding. Parker threw some steaks on the barbecue. This isnt a bad life youve got here, but are you going to be all right as far as money goes. For the moment. He guessed, at least the house was paid for. Listen, Parker, when you figure out what you want to do, let me know, maybe I can help, I have some friends working down here, they might be able to give you a hand. What could I do, I mean, in a company, all I have is an English degree?

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Sales, I could probably get you some kind of entry level sales job, its not Shakespeare, but even a toilet paper salesman can make money. If you think you need something let me know and Ill make a few calls. Parker knew the day would come when he would have to work, he just hoped he could put it off as long as possible. They told me you were a pretty good basketball player in high school. Nothing to write home about, did you play? High school ball, why dont we go down to the park tomorrow and shoot some hoops. I havent played basketball in years, and smoking like I do. Come on, it will be good for you. OK. He reminded himself it was only a few days. * He heard the him moving about, the room was framed in white, he debated an excuse. Tap, Tap, the door opened. How you feeling? A little tired, but Ill be all right. The smells and sounds returned quickly, he was brought back, open on a wing, the ball left his hands so he knew; he was no longer tired or afraid of the glare, but he was weak on the layups and dribbling. For the first time in months Parker fell asleep soberly and well. The next night they sat on a deck overlooking the Intercoastal, the rumble of diesel engines approached, the smell of the fuel coloring the atmosphere. A middle aged blonde man with weathered skin and nautical dress tied the boat to the pilings and approached the tables followed by a dark skinned Latin girl of twenty years, breasts bouncing in a bikini top, thighs

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trying to escape the shorts, she was accompanied by a blonde of similar age and proportions. Parker, you think theyre pros? They kind of look it, but down here you never know. Parker ate his shrimp and enjoyed the view, envious of the boaters afternoon, the blonde looking at Rick. AC/DC shaking the room, pink miniskirts, high heels and Texas hair; triceps tearing at polo shirts, boots and pony tails. Rick loved it. A two on two basketball game in a cage, Parker worried he would want to play, his cologne was becoming annoying. Rick approached two Texas hair types, Parker couldnt hear over the music but the shoe matching lipstick said it all. This is my cousin Parker, Julie and Irene. Hi, how are you. Responded Parker, a little uncomfortably. Renee moved toward Parker while Julie positioned herself closer to Rick. Your cousin told us your from down here. Hes from Ohio, but Im from down here. What high school did you go to? Graduates of the Fletcher Academy were tagged as rich preppies; Parker had occasionally lied if he thought it would help his cause. The Fletcher Academy. No, really? Yeah. Julie, Parker went to the Fletcher Academy. Julie smiled sarcastically. I didnt think you people spoke to public school girls.

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Only on special occasions. Rick seemed impressed with the snob effect of Parkers high school. He found himself drawn to the innocence behind the getup, but Rick was looking for a change of venue.

Chapter XXII
Parker was in a crowded bar with Kim, it was very late, approaching the moment for last call. He wanted one more drink before they stopped serving and asked Kim what she wanted, but she couldnt make up her mind. Parker forced her to make a decision, Rum and pineapple juice. He raced to the bar, working his way through the crowd to order the drinks, he looked up at the clock and it was two minutes to two, he had gotten there just in time. While he was waiting to be served a girl asked him for a cigarette, he said didnt smoke. * That day he was to accomplish a much delayed visit to the accountant. The dreams power had to be utilized or it would be lost, lost in a first cigarette. The vinyl squeaked and he felt a tingling at the beginning of his jaw and on the top of his gums. Bob Dreiseiki had been his fathers accountant and continued with his mother, Parker had

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associated something bizarre to this man he had never seen but often heard spoken of. Skimming Seven Keys to a Better Orgasm while he considered how the accountant had worked closely with his aunt on the arrangements. Extended Foreplay, it sounded like the instructions for a VCR, but he didnt see him at the funeral. The door from the office to the lobby opened and out came a man, younger and more conventional than Parker had imagined: greased thin gray hair, black wingtips and a Patek Phillipe. A firm handshake and a tap on the shoulder before leading him to his office, where he sat behind a modern desk in a black leather reclining chair. The receptionist brought them both mugs of coffee and left a tray with cream and sugar. I want to thank you for all you did, it was a great help. Dont mention it, I was terribly sad to hear about your mother, I was very fond of her. Good to get that part of things over with. A picture of a woman with two children leaned on his desk, his degree from the University of Florida behind him. Ive prepared for you a run down of your financial situation. Ive been in contact with your mothers lawyer, and weve worked out the inheritance taxes as well. You are in pretty good shape, as you can see. Just be careful with the money, and its should get you through grad school, if thats what you are still thinking of doing. Your mother had mentioned it to me. He knew about every dime she had, and how she spent it. Do you know anything about properties in Spain? I know she had part ownership of some things, you should get in touch with your family about that, as far as money, she never told me about any accounts in Spain. Will my fathers pension continue to come? Unfortunately, it ends with your mothers death, once the children are over eighteen.

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Can you continue to pay the bills and all, I dont really know where to begin with that? If you look down at the bottom, where it has accountants fee, thats what I would charge to continue to pay your bills and do your taxes. Thats fine. Your mother loved you very much, she often talked about you, if you need anything, or someone to talk to, dont hesitate to call. Thank you. They shook hands and he followed Parker out to the lobby, smiling at him as he left. Parker felt he knew more than he was letting on, but he was grateful for his help and elegance. The slamming of the door brought out the urge, he felt it in his eyes. Hitting the couch the same. He looked at her door, he had not been in there since he found her. The smell caught him, eyes jumping, muscles tense. In the closet he had to force himself not to be careful, an old album, black & white pictures of people who didnt look like him, not even his mother. The young couple, dated fashions in slowly fading pictures, they were gone and the world hadnt skipped a beat, it wouldnt skip one for him either. He could tell from the desk that she hadnt spent much time there, too orderly, checkbooks, bills and an agenda, mostly familiar names. At least he had enough money to not have to worry for a while, pleased he hadnt found what he was looking for. An open pack of cigarettes with a lighter inside, maybe her last pack. He put one to his lips, suddenly ashamed of being so dramatic. They had killed his father, probably his mother and his wasnt going to continue sending them money.

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By seven the hunger finally overcame the lust for tobacco. The double rack of ribs kept his mind, mouth and hands occupied, the Key Lime pie fighting back the urge, he ate at the bar, a sixty year old women lighting up, pack of Marlboros beside a gruffy man. The coffee made him dizzy with desire, reluctantly seeing the fun side of the battle. The Village Tavern arose out of a cloud of smoke. Ana had smoked, she was probably comfortable, waiting for someone to get a good job, did she ever think about him? No. The urge returned, Christina smoked on the beach that night, if he had only never sat by her in math class. Another drink, it wouldnt get him now, he watched a German couple having a beer, he became angry, he needed the anger. What balls, The Marlboro Man. He took pills and drank at home until he felt nauseous, he lay in bed, the floor swaying, with sleep came a victory.

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Chapter XXIII
A rectangular field was enclosed by a large cement wall, a covered patio lead to a building entrance. Parker was running around the perimeter of the field as fast as he could, gaining enough speed to leap and fly for several minutes, eventually floating back to the earth, repeating the feat and enjoying it immensely. He looked toward the patio as he flew and he saw nurses and doctors and people in wheelchairs, suddenly realizing he was in an insane asylum, he was one of the patients. He ran again but couldnt take off and scale the wall. Frustrated and terrified, he felt like he was awake but still in the dream. * The rich farmland, ornery coast and peculiar characters of Steinbecks California held on tight to the late afternoon light. The salt clung to him as he turned the pages, refreshed and intrigued, the large sun accelerating through the hi-rises, carrying thoughts of the evening. The haunting dream loosening its grip toward a more hopeful night.

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An eerie Bergmanesque night at a revival, Anas Passion, the inescapable island, the long silences, a good place for Parker to spend his vacations. It had been years since a film had done so much for him; he felt the isolation and understood the lack of communication. He drove east, towards a Tuesday of quite Bourbons in a familiar bar. The Village Tavern was typically crowded for that night, a young couple to his left, two older women to his right, the first drink tasted like mouthwash on his tongue. A wiry bartender wiping down the bar, talking about the Dolphins, he felt alone, a stranger, reaching for the images of the movie. The two ladies beside him left, he forced the end of the drink and began to reach for the bills, the bartender nodded while adding ice to the glass, he let go as if he had been counting them. Drinking changes a bar as observation changes the observed. He needed a few more drinks to convert the Village Tavern to its second self, a state that only appeared from behind the drape of drunkenness, always returning to its dry self upon a sober return. He was still in the first bar though he know the second well. Here on vacation? Yes, Im down for a few days from Montreal. She answered with an accent. Getting away from the cold weather? Small white sneakers began a pair of soft, enticing legs. Oh, yes, it is so nice and warm down here. Her jaw was an open L with sturdy olive skin. I saw a movie tonight, Anas Passion. Oh yes, what a beautiful movie, and Max Von Sydow is a wonderful actor, I love Bergman, did you like it?

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I loved it. She turned toward him and took a sip of her drink than placed it closer to his on the bar. Not many people like Bergman. No, I guess not, but I love him, he hypnotizes you with that silent rhythm. Are you a student? Her smile was comforting, he realized that she turned it on. No, I finished last year. What did you study? English Lit. What a nice degree, are you working? No, I really havent started looking. She became more as they spoke, her hair pulled behind her ears, a thin leather band across the tan wrist. What do you do? Im a pediatrician. The Village Tavern was not often frequented by doctors, her drink was empty. Would you like another drink? Sure. She said willingly. Are you going to be a teacher? Ive thought about it, but I think I might go to grad school, maybe get a Masters Degree in American lit or something. That sounds interesting. She stared at him for a second and smiled. You seem to young to have this kind of a habit, drinking alone I mean. I guess.

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Im older, its different. The years made her more intriguing. I like to be alone sometimes, it doesnt bother me, Latins are more gregarious, I know, my mother is Spanish, the Spanish are always in groups, they cant stand to be alone, I think it makes them nervous. But Im half American, and we dont mind it so much. Yes, that is true, the Latin people like to be in groups. So why are you here alone, Im sure you could have company if you wanted it. Her grin accepting the advance. I felt like being alone, I just got over a relationship with someone and I needed to get away. Her forearms reminded him of Christina. What did he do? He was an architect, he had been living with my daughter and I for three years, but things just didnt work out. She spun the drink between her thumb and forefinger, her eyes on the bar. How old is you daughter? She is fifteen. Was she sad to see him go? I dont know, I think so, but it is such a strange age, they dont like to tell you anything. I remember being that age, it was terrible, everybody is lovesick. Yes, I think that might be the case, but she will get over it. You said your mother is Spanish, is she from Spain? She met my father while he was in the service over there, they married and came back to the states.

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She never thought about going back? She did, a lot, especially after my father died, unfortunately she passed away. Oh, Im sorry, what happened? She had a brain hemorrhage, they say its genetic, my grandmother died of something similar, is that true? It can be, but dont worry, youll be OK, how old was she? She was forty-seven. Thats very young, do you have any brothers or sisters? No, just myself. You must be very lonely? Im all right. Like I said, I dont mind being alone. The truth is I dont like being alone, I have a friend who lives down here, she couldnt go out tonight, but I spend most of my time with her. You dont have a girlfriend? The signals becoming clear. No, I dont. Ive been kind of isolated lately. I only started going out again a few months ago. You didnt have a girlfriend in college? I had a few girlfriends in college, one in particular I guess who I was kind of serious with, but the truth is, I fell madly in love with a girl in high school, and shes the only one Ive ever been able to love. Does she know you love her?

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He laughed. She knows, its just that she doesnt feel the same way. But did you tell her you loved her? I told her, but when its not there, its not there. Youve never had someone fall in love with you and you couldnt respond? Yes, in high school, there was a boy, it is a little like your story, he would meet me after class, help me with my homework, even though I had another boyfriend. Did you ever see him after high school? Yes, he wrote me a few times but I never wrote him back, I saw him later on and he was married to a nice girl and had a few children, he is a successful lawyer, I would have been better off with him, because I havent exactly had a lot of luck with men. But like you say, if its not there, its not there. Do you know anything about what you girl is doing now? I have a friend who knows her and lets me in on what shes doing, she has a new boyfriend and she is getting a Masters degree, but you know what I did, I guess it was a year ago or so, I got really drunk and called her, I told how much I loved and the whole bit, Id be embarrassed to see her again. Dont worry about it, all women like to hear men tell them that they love them. Is she very beautiful? She attractive, but shes not gorgeous or anything, shes rich though. And your not? Rich, no, she is really rich. Money attracts money, its not you its your bank account, dont feel so bad, if she werent rich you would be with her now. The compassion was a long time in coming. 160

I would like to believe that, whats your name, Im Parker. Renee. What an interesting name, Parker. Its a family name. Whats your last name? Voll, Parker Voll. I like it. She could have swallowed him. Last call, if you want another drink order it now. Yelled the bartender. Lets get two more. They had fifteen minutes till closing. Do live near here? I live on the other side of the inter-coastal, about three miles from here. He wanted to ask her if she had a room close by but he thought it better to let her offer. Can you buy liquor at this hour any where? Sure, this bartender will sell us whatever we want? Why dont we get a bottle of what your drinking and a bottle of Vodka, Ive got the rest in the apartment. She gave him two twenty dollar bills. He followed her out of the bar with the brown bag, everything where it should be. Do you want to drive with me or follow me? Ill go with you. He followed her to a Saab 900, the leather interior smelled like pipe smoke, the fine red lights on the dashboard and the smooth motor made it feel like a cockpit. A friend of mine was going away for a month and offered me his apartment and car if I wanted to use it. He lives in the Sea Coast Towers.

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A view of the ocean? The living room and master bedroom do. Its really a great apartment, youll see. They drove into the garage and walked to the to the elevator. She opened the door and Parker followed her to the kitchen were they made the drinks in silence. Do you like jazz, he has a great jazz collection? I do. Ill put on a John Coltrane CD. Do you do coke? She opened a small wooden box and cut four lines with a razor on a mirror, handing Parker a straw, repeating the process, his front teeth numb. The lights off and the curtain all the way open, a half moon reflected on the ocean, ship lights in the distance. Beautiful view, isnt it. She sat next to him and put her hands on his face, then slowly brought it towards hers. They remained on the sofa until the large sun began its return trip, rising from under the sea. Why dont you freshen up our drinks while I get something. When Parker came back she had the mirror out again but this time the lines were brown. Whats that? Heroin, it just enough to bring us down and let us sleep. A new drug, much better than its poor cousin, Demerol. Parker woke, it was night again, he counted the ships; how many nights: the movie, the bar, the condo, the coke, the sex, the heroin, the sleeping. The bartender gave him that extra drink before he could say no, maybe he was calling out for him from the second bar. He was

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nude and the sheet felt cool and smooth, she came out of the bathroom with a towel around her chest, packing and dressing at the same time. If you want to take a shower go ahead, my flights tonight. Ill have to get a taxi in a half an hour, I can have the him drop you off at your car. Great. Parker put some of this mans mouse into his hair and splashed on his cologne, a new night.

Chapter XXIV

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Can you believe this Kuwait stuff? The only thing these Republicans care about is the stock market and the multinationals, whats it to them if a bunch of country boys get mowed down in the desert. Parker, do you want mash potatoes or rice with your pork chop. Rice o Roni or dehydrated potatoes, Myra never listened to him. Which one would you like? Ill take mashed potatoes. But can you believe this? What? This war therere trying to start, who cares if we buy oil from Sadam or Kuwait, you can tell George was an oil man. You think everything is a conspiracy, that Sadam guy invaded Kuwait, and were going to liberate Kuwait, whats wrong with that. How do you like your pork chop? Its wonderful, Shake in Bake, right? Its the best. Myra ate quickly and passionately, all non essential matter going to fortify her ass, how was it that he didnt notice the flabby ankles. Ive got some studying to do, dont stay up to late. Parker, relieved, quickly finished his beer and filled a coffee mug with ice and Jim Beam. The ritual; lose himself in bourbon and TV, tonight he had an excuse, retired Generals talked about how easy or how hard the Gulf war would be, he wished he was there, at least he would feel alive, part of something. *

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The parking lot could have served a small mall, an American, Floridian and company flag flew above the brown institutional building. Tired, jumpy from the coffee, why hadnt I been careful with the money. Miter ho? Murphy, Mr. Daniel Murphy. Ah, Murpy, one momen. He made a telephone call to confirm then hung up. Ju go tru de door, left, and inside de building, go to de back and den make left again, where der iz bater fountain, dat iz de dur. Across a paved alley, a dark hole revealed the entrance to a warehouse, the strong sun was uncomfortable on the cheap, gray, wool suit. The dark threshold exposed a line of trucks, engines revving, anxious to leave in a maze of multicolored conveyors; it looked like an aircraft carrier, its fighters on the deck. He hesitatingly crossed the path of a truck, the driver offering a blank stare. Airport type vehicles carried trailers of packages and tires, finally the water fountain, if he had only gone to grad school, he though about a last minute escape. The door opened to a rectangular room of brown concrete blocks with seven men and one woman sitting on brown swivel chairs, talking on brown phones that were on a brown, Formica bench supported by brown file cabinets. Parker, damn, I would have never recognized you, Im really sorry to hear about Lola. I had no idea. Take a seat. Parker had imagined his father in a different environment, more like Dreiseikis. Joe, this is Volls kid, Parker, Parker, Joe Kuntz. How do you do? Nice to meet you, I knew your old man from way back.

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Im going to see if I can get him on as one of these new salesman therere hiring in Miami, the kid speaks Spanish, I think I be able to do something. Who you gonna talk to, Kevin? Yeah, I told him about it and he said to bring the kid over this morning. He felt like he was with his father again, no escape, no saying no. * Training began in a room of cinder block walls painted brown. Parker, this is what we call a daily, every day, when you arrive at in the morning, you will fill out your name, the date and the code of the center you are working out of, in this case, 48. Every visit you make, you will put here the name of the company, who you spoke to, the result of the call, if it needs follow up, and finally, how much time you spent there. Green, manicured fields, 18 year old girls breathing independent air, good books on a lazy afternoon. We expect one of our account managers to make about ten calls a day, but since many of their calls are maintenance calls, complaints and damage reports, they take longer. The other person we hired to do what you are going to do makes more like fifteen calls a day, sometimes more, so you can just use two sheets. He was to cold call as many offices as possible, opening up new accounts, and taking business away from the competition. A new trainer from corporate, $150 suit, $30 shoes, the room smelled of public school, all listened attentively to time in transit, customs duties and prohibited articles, an army of men and women working all night to have a packages delivered the next day. An hour commute, home by 6:30, no dope though, they can take your blood. On the Thursday of the second week he spent the day with the only other person who was doing what he was going to do, John Rodriguez, a Cuban graduate of FIU. He had sold copy

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machines and faxes for a year and half before coming to the company. He was on the phone talking to Kevin about getting some pricing for a potentially large company, looking over Parker as he spoke. John spoke fast and constantly. This is a great opportunity we have, there is tons of business out there, its ours for the taking. How exactly do you get it? Parker asked hesitatingly. You have had much sales experience, have you? No, I havent. Look, sales is persistence and follow up. You cant let people say no, and when they do, just go on to the next one. The building were going to today is going to be easy, we have a dropbox already installed, it will just be signing people up. His Ford Escort had a black rubber pencil and stickum holder glued to the windshield. You follow me in the morning, and in the afternoon Ill let you make the calls, Kevin wants you on the road by yourself on Monday. Paradise, he thought. They parked at a building in south Miami and Parker followed John to the dropbox. Youve got to keep these boxes stocked, people want to know that there are always extra envelopes or shipping documents in them. Parker nodded approvingly as they walked toward the elevator. Start at the top and work your way down, dont skip any floors, some people wont talk to you, so you ask for a card of the person to speak to and then you call for an appointment, but try to talk to them, be persistent. The young Latin receptionist of the insurance company looked at them suspiciously. Good morning, Im John Rodriguez from ___ Company, I would like to speak to the person

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who deals with couriers and shipping. Parker was trying to catch the girls eyes but she wouldnt cooperate. That would be Ms. Espinosa, youll need an appointment, here is her card. Weve just installed a box downstairs, if I could just have a minute of her time to explain to her how to use it. The receptionist sighed, then, with red painted nails, dialed three numbers on a phone that resembled a personal computer. There are two gentleman here from __ Company, they would like to speak to you. OK She hung up the phone. Have a seat, she will be out in a moment. John and Parker sat silently in the reception chairs, a middle aged woman came out. Hi, Im Sue Espinosa She shook hands. I only have a few minutes. John wooed her in Spanglish, opening an account and convincing her to use his dropbox, continuing on that morning to open five accounts on eight calls. John put his Diet Coke in the soda holder that extended out from below the ashtray full of change. Do you remember the first call, the receptionist didnt want to let us through? Parker remembered her stern eyes, he liked her ferocity. But I was persistent, and I not only opened an account but I have a chance to take away all that international business, youve got to be persistent. John opened a cooler and took out a packed lunch after he had driven Parker to a deli to get a sandwich. You can save a lot of money by bringing your lunch. You need to check you voice mail during the day, I check it three times a day, in the morning, at lunch, and when I get back to the office in the afternoon. Are you ready to make some calls? The afternoon calls are yours, as soon as I check my voice mail we can finish off this building, Ill go with you, dont worry. If he hadnt blown all his money. Prison, if it werent for getting it up the ass, especially if they let you out on the weekends. Why should he bother these

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people, if they wanted to send a package they could get out the yellow pages like everyone else. He hoped he would never get off the phone. Ready? Gomez Travel. Parker opened the door to three desks with travel agents, all on the phone. He waited for the one closest to him to finish. Hi, Im Parker Voll from __ Company. Do you folks use any courier services for tickets, domestic or international? We use Fedex, they have a box downstairs, es muy, muy convenient. A whiny, mushy tone. We just put a box downstairs and were less expensive, if you want we can open an account for you and you will be sent pre-printed air bills, our box also has a later pickup than the Fedex box. The man looked at him interested. Oye, mira, if we can save some money and there is a later pickup, bueno. * It was 12:30 AM and Parker was debating whether to have another drink, she was still studying, works all day than comes home and studies for the CPA. How did he ever wind up with this woman? He went into the kitchen and poured himself a third drink. An attractive reporter was in the desert with soldiers and tanks behind her, a sexy scene. The last thing in the world to go to war for should be the Getttys and the Rockefellers; war for the oil companies and the Israelis, two great causes. He wanted to be there anyway, it was war and it beat the hell out of his fat ass wife and annoying people all day; the bourbon went down brilliantly.

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She wasnt a bad person, she wasnt even that ugly; when he met her she seemed attractive enough and the sex on a regular basis was long overdue. He got to know her, the ass started to grow and the sex became work. If she would only cheat on him, but she was to smart for that, she was starting to talk about kids, he should have gone to grad school. Honey, arent you coming to bed, dont drink to much, you know how hard it is for you to get out of bed in the morning. Yeah baby, with your fat ass beside me. He thought. Ill be in right away, I just want to see some more of the news. He could tell he was slurring, trying to pronounce the words.

Chapter XXV
He was a few minutes walk from the downtown office, a window seat with a view of a patio separating Miamis tallest building from its parking lot and a bank. A warm French roll and a caf ole, he recognized the people who came out of the building to smoke as he looked up from

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a long New Yorker article. Three bankers behind him. I love art, its like a drug, I buy and buy, I cant stop. Five pages left, he had already been there forty-five minutes, one more. Two young girls down for coffee: the short skirts, stockings, firm breasts under wafer thin silk blouses; the static energy of the large carpeted offices radiating sexual energy. If only he could read all day, nothing on the voice mail, he hated the voice mail, especially if he had an early appointment and spent the morning getting out of bed every half an hour to see if they were on to him. Another half an hour faking two weeks worth of reports, a year and his numbers were still good. Across the patio in the still cool morning he looked up at a bank he had past many times, the coffee had him in a stir. The first office behind a vacant receptionists desk. Good morning, Im from __ Company, I wanted to talk to you about international courier shipping. Sure, sit down, we ship large amounts of international packages, and we spend a lot of money on it. We have the most competitive rates to Latin America, Im sure with your volume we can save you a substantial amount of money. Ive always liked ___ Company, when I was a kid they delivered my Christmas presents from relatives, let me see if Martina Bardilla is in, she is our VP for Operations. Their largest account in South Florida, at least another years reprieve. * The large banking account made Parkers life much easier, they all asked what had he done to get it. The confidence made him lazier. A splendid hangover in the car that had become a second home, the radio dial his friend, V-8 cans and brochures littering the seats. Around the 171

bend in Coconut Grove, the sailboats quite in the light breeze, on to US-1 an acceleration to I-95. He was enjoying the heightened emotion of the hangover, it made his life sound better. Christinas building off to the right, he passed it everyday, but this was not an every day hangover. He was very disappointed that Kim hadnt gone to the wedding and later debriefed him. She had met him and said he was very nice. The $12,000 car, the cheap suits and $25,900 job left him completely out of her world, nothing now in common. She was probably skiing, but not him, he had to drive around the capital of the third world bothering people, tonight he would tie on a good one. A building near the airport, the roar of the jet engines picking up his spirits, an easy call, he wanted a drop box. The Rolex fell so far down his hand it almost touched the large gold ring with a diamond stud. He stood tall and proud in a shiny silver double breasted suit, behind him a poster of a stack of bills My first Million. There is no cost to you, we install the box and maintain it and you add value to your building. And hah much rent do ju pay me. It is company policy to not to pay rent sir, we service and maintain the box, which in the beginning is a considerable cost to us. Where du I sign? Miami could be the only city in the world we people speak two languages with an accent. The car stood idle in a dirt lot in front of the fence protecting the runway. Far to the west the conch trails of a DC-8 carrying cargo from Latin America made its turn to east; they relaxed him and reminded him that the world was large. A voice mail message from Kevin to meet him in his office at four, the next message was from Angela Sastre. Parker had seen her once in the regional headquarters: short dark hair and a perfectly structured face, if he could meet her in the

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downtown office between one and three, a replay of the message to hear her voice again. Parker sensed it was good news, at least a change. He greeted the girls at the counter and went back into the office, the door slightly ajar to see Angela arriving, he put some reports on his desk to look busy. The door to the street opened but it wasnt her. If they fire me Ill live off Myra, it will be like vacation. The door opened again, it wasnt her, but he recognized the woman, he rolled his swivel chair to the door which opened towards him and away from the customer at the counter. Christina, she was talking to the clerk and filling out the airbill, her tone polite and respectful. The clerk ripped off the top copy of the airbill and handed it to Christina who took it and began to turn around, Parker quickly moving back so she wouldnt see him. Black pants and a blue blouse, more elegant and sophisticated than he had remembered her, firmer and more attractive. As soon as she walked out the door he left the office area and stepped out for one last look, he thought about running after her, but he couldnt. The clerk grinned. An old friend. Just a friend, why didnt you say hello? Parker walked behind the counter. He only had a few minutes. Let me see the air bill for a second. The clerk handed him the letter with a disapproving look. Well, what do you know. Im just checking to see if its filled out right, Im a manager, arent I? Parker wrote down the address and phone number. It looked like a residential address. As he was writing Angela came in through the main door, his hands invisible below the counter. Hi, Parker. Ill be in the back, whenever your ready. 173

Ill be right back. What do you guys do back their? Asked the clerk. He finished copying the address than put it in his pocket. Thanks, its not what you think. Sure Angela was on the phone, as all managers were constantly. Christina looked good; he had the information he wanted, but what to do with it, he tucked it in his briefcase. She had on a simple white short sleeve blouse and a blue skirt draping the long luscious legs, Parker looked at her a intently, she glanced back at him as she spoke, he pretended to organize some papers on his desk. Angela got off the phone and smiled, Parker took the opportunity to look into her eyes; dark and expressionless. Parker, thanks for coming, Im sorry about the late notice but things have happened quickly. Kevin and I are working on a project to increase international sales, wed like to do a study to see what the potential business is in the downtown area, then set up plan of attack. I can spend some time with you working out the plan from this office, and wed like you to start working out of here, at least for the time being. OK. Maybe they were on to him not showing up some mornings. We thought about starting with the banking sector, since youve had so much success with in that area. Sure, we can get a list of all the international banks in the downtown area, then go through them to see the potential, Ive already called on a lot of them. Where can you get the list?

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There must be some public record of banks in Dade county and their branch offices. I can check the library. Great, when can you start, I dont want to interfere with you sales calls? Ill just take care of my appointments and stop cold calling till I finish the project. How long do you think youll need to do come up with the banking sector? Parker realized she needed him to do this. It was probably something they gave her to do and said to use Parker, she was two grades above him. When do you need it? The time frame they mentioned was six weeks. That will be plenty of time. Why do they want me working only out of this center? I dont know, Kevin mentioned it to me. She was completely out of reach, he didnt even say hello, he didnt because he knew it would be anti-climatic. One never tired of looking at Angela, trying to find the symmetry and the structure behind the beauty, she placed an arm inside her blouse to scratch her shoulder. If we have time, Id like to setup a plan for how you are going to go about getting the information, and maybe we can setup a time frame for finishing it in five weeks, youll still have to take care of your customers, so I would say you will be able to apply three full days a week to the project, well be conservative, just in case. He took the occasional glance at her well formed thighs in the clear stockings, wanting to put his hand on them, a wedding band and a diamond behind it, a little gray by the ear that she clearly enjoyed. The phone rang. Im going to meet Kevin later than we had planned. Oh, good, maybe we can finish this then.

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They dont fire you over drinks here, do they? Not that I know of, why, is Kevin going to meet you for drinks? Yes Dont worry, if it were bad new he wouldnt give it to you that way. How long have you been with ___? Twelve years. She was all business, he would have other opportunities. * Kevin was tucked into a corner booth staring at menu. He was so smooth that he never said anything, the lack of content making Parker nervous. Hi Parker, glad you could make it, how did your meeting with Angela go? Real well, we were able to finish the schedule for the project. How does the project seem to you? In what way? Do you think it will be a useful tool to help you capture new business. Absolutely, once weve keyed in on where the business is, we can chip away at it, and hopefully pickup market share. Good, very good. Parker, I have good news for you, weve decided to promote you to account manager, we like the work your doing, especially with ___ Bank, that was a very nice account. We want you to focus on the Downtown area, now that we have the store front and offices down there. Great, the wife will be very happy.

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Its a nice increase, $33,500 plus a half months bonus at Christmas and company stock. Parker was smart enough to realize he had gotten lucky. Lets get something to eat, on the company. What will you have to drink? Ill have a beer. Stay away from the Bourbon in front of the boss. Another thing, you may be asked to go to Mexico City for a week, the Latin American Division is interested in hiring some salesman like you and John, since you speak Spanish, you did tell me you would like to travel? Absolutely, Id love to.

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Chapter XXVI
Are you ready, honey? He used to enjoy the southern accent. Parker was packing, not being a frequent traveler, he still enjoyed the ceremony of it. Mexico City for a week, they paid for the plane ticket, everything else he paid for and was later reimbursed. He hoped that they would pay quickly. They had two car payments and he was carrying a few thousand dollar balance on his credit card, the only thing left from his inheritance was the house. The debt trapped him; it was a lure, once swallowed, they could drag you through their idiotic existence. Take out two hundred in cash, it will get reimbursed, it doesnt really count. His flight was at 7:30PM that Sunday night and he wanted to watch the Dolphin game which Myra would never let him do in peace, maybe put some money on it. He told Myra his flight was at 4:20PM, and being an international flight, he would have to be there by 3:00PM, giving him an early start at the airport bar. Ill be out in a second. He drove fast and clean through the refreshingly light Sunday traffic, the car appreciating the chance to run. Honey, arent you going over the speed limit?

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Parker twitched, it was a reaction he had developed to stop himself from saying things. He pulled up to the curb, they hadnt spoken since her comment about the speed limit, he looked at her and forced a smile; she deserved better. Have a good trip, and try to call me if you can? She kissed him. He took a seat at the bar, which was half full, and ordered a bourbon on the rocks. They were in Buffalo and he would get 1.5 points; a hundred dollars, a dime as the bookies called it, wouldnt make a difference either way. His drink securing his spot, he called it in. If Myra knew she would probably divorce him, maybe he should tell her, run up a couple thousand dollars in debt then confess, he would probably win. Peanuts, drinks and his Fish, he slowly lost himself in the afternoon. That Marino is unbelievable. Hes the best. Where you going? The small flame from the blue Dupon lighter was pulled into the first moist flakes of tobacco, a rare urge to smoke, the leather band of a Patek Phillipe, a thumb flicking the door on the flame. Mexico for business, how about yourself? Madrid, Im going for a few months, maybe longer. Vacation? Not really, Im getting away, Ive got a lot of friends in Madrid, I worked there after college teaching English. But, your just taking off, you dont have a family, I guess. No, wouldnt work with a family, want another drink.

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Thanks. Its a long story, but the bottom line is that Im sick of it all, you only live once and Im not going to spend my life paying off debts and working so a bunch of assholes can get rich. What did you do? I was an international account manager, oh shit, they cant lose the last game I see. Marino threw an interception on the twelve yard line. Parker wanted to ask him if he could go with him. You dont have a girlfriend or anything? I did, had a few, but it wasnt working with them, got to run, nice talking to you. Good luck. The game was close until the third quarter when the Bills broke it open. He got to the gate drunk, but slept it off on the plane. He had a six foot red headed cab driver in Mexico City, the stylish hotel was in the Zona Rosa, the environment invigorating him, he took a walk in the warm evening and wound up in a Cantina. Two young Americans came in and sat next to him as it began to fill rapidly, three women at a table working Parker with their eyes. I think weve got a couple of girlfriends. Theyre real beauties. They were from a Lutheran college in northern Minnesota, white as milk; they stood out like astronauts. * A long week of meeting and nights out, that Thursday he asked for the afternoon off to buy his wife a present and do some sightseeing, his flight Friday. The hotel was new and built around a center patio which included a bar, restaurant and the reception area; non-generic designer rooms increased the feel of luxury.

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Parker changed into casual clothes and ordered ice from the bellboy, it was 1:00PM and he lay on his comfortable bed watching HBO. He poured his first drink and watched The Kiss of the Spiderwoman, the lights off, the faint sound of traffic ten floors below, twenty million people haunting the silence. He only moved to drink and refill, fighting to recapture a glimpse of his old life, it came back like an awkward reencounter with an old friend. Now he was a little closer to her world, international business trips, nice hotels; what did it matter. The Accidental Tourist, it must have been William Hurt day, that kind of drunk when everything seems clear, he had not moved in three hours, the two old friends as if they had seen each other yesterday. A steak Tampiquena with the typical Mexican accompaniments, the walk down made him lose his head a bit. A man with a purple tie sitting alone at a table next to him, they spoke in Spanish. How is your steak? Good.? Come to Mexico much? First time. He noticed his slur. Want to go get a drink somewhere? Ive got to get up. He wasnt Mexican. Come on, Ill invite you, maybe we can get some women. Id love to, but Ill never get up in the morning. He longed for the room, flirting with the girl behind the counter while buying a Cuban cigar, he toyed with the idea of ordering a woman but the sex would not make up for the loss of privacy.

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El by Buuel. The obsession scared him as only a warped mirror could, he was now very drunk. David Letterman was interviewing a Hollywood actor. I just finished a project and Im working on two things now, I cant stop, I love to work. The cult of work was beyond his reach. What kind of an asshole, with millions of dollars, would want to keep working, especially when the job was making bad movies. The cigar had gone to his head and he was already feeling nostalgia for the day he had spent. He took a last sip of his drink than turned the TV off. He heard the distant sound of traffic on the busy street below, where were they all going, and what for?

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Chapter XXVII
She did not like the idea that someone from the outside was brought in to take a management position because she, as most managers at the company, had come up through the ranks without the help of a college education. She didnt like the way he looked at her either, but he could be useful and so she would put up with him. His heart beat quickly, a telltale when he lied, he had two weeks left and he hadnt even thought about the project. Thank God he was able to get an appointment with the Colombian. Good morning Parker. Hi Angela, how are you. Good, you want to go get some coffee? Sounds great. Darker colors draped the long beautiful body, following her rhythm while they walked to the caf Parker often frequented across from his large banking customer, he hoped they wouldnt be too friendly. Kevin told me your mother was Spanish. Right. My grandmother is Spanish, I read HOLA. My mother did to. I liked to keep up on the girls from Monaco, I was always a big fan of Christina, especially since she was widowed. Her loafer fell from her heel, hanging from the toe, the change of shade visible on the sole. Stephanie is a little strange. Her eyes lit up, then a quick change of expression. How is the project coming? I developed a list of international banks in the downtown area, and then went through and put in the information I already had, the remaining banks I interviewed, cold called, or in 183

some cases I had to ask the drivers on average how many international packages they saw from the competition. Ive got a few more to go, I should have a first draft to you next week? Great, and your recommendations. I made a questionnaire which I used at all the interviews, to keep the questions consistent. He was now without a script. From them I came up with some things that seemed to be consistent requirements for us to obtain the business. Better requirements than complaints. What were some of them? Imagining the Colombian. Angela, our service in the downtown area, in spite of our large infrastructure, is far to rigid for the majority of the international banks, Ill be frank, the banking business Ive gotten so far has been on price, but price is usually not the key issue in international banking, they want service and accountability. The People Mover carried them over the river, from old to new, from small time commerce and shady lawyer to the shiny palaces of international finance, an art exhibit welcomed them into the cold marble lobby. Parker couldnt have written a better script. Quality, Angela, if you offer us service we will give you the business. A shame he wasnt the decision maker, but she didnt know to ask. He was safe for at least another week. Would you like to get coffee, there is a place right around the corner? OK. The glistening new caf, white tile, black stools and bar, a touch of red in the Porsche poster, a lone freckle on the end of her nose. Do you have any kids. She asked.

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No, not yet, how about you? Were thinking about it, but with my schedule it would be hard. He wondered when she would start dyeing the gray, how do you go from this to How about an afternoon in the Hilton. She gave no signals. What do you have planned for this afternoon? Already talking about the afternoon, a good sign. I have some customers I have to see by the airport. Ive got a department meeting. Will Kevin be there? Yes. He wouldnt be bothering Parker. * A cargo DC-8, its age apparent, waited to turn onto the main runway, lights flashing, pilots disguised in sunglasses and earphones. A 747 appeared out of the bright flaky top of a distant cloud in a dark blue sky, a harsh expression, a slow moving predator. The mighty machine gently approaching the tarmac, at the last moment a change of heart, a lift up then a final contact with the ground. They would eventually catch up to him and the debt continued to grow. The DC-8 swung its pilots around to the runway, big brother safely home, its engines hum becoming a scream, a jolt forward, the slow acceleration began; the friendly face beginning to rise, dragging the tail over the freeway in a cloud of black smoke, no faces looking out the windows, a lonely trip.

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From the corner of his briefcase came the address, he hadnt looked it up, a final prolonged pleasure from her. The orange stripe visible on the Iberia 747 as it cleared the barricade and reached out for the runway, it was a solution. The map led him to a residential neighborhood. Sell the house, give her half. A cloud of smoke as the rubber met the pavement. He couldnt last forever, they would find out. A good route to her house, if it was her house. A slow turn onto a street of shade trees and Volvos, Spanish style homes and manicured lawns, no pedestrians, the numbers moving like Von Sturnburgs calendar. It faced a perpendicular street, three houses down a doctors office in a home, an empty parking lot. He backed it in, could say he was waiting for an appointment nearby, killing time. Four oclock and the driveway guarded no cars, close enough to see her, far enough not to be noticed. It was too long a wait. A beer, a basket of popcorn and Sportscenter, the charm of an empty bar in the afternoon, boys playing hooky. Were not in right now . I know. Her Voice. He rang till he ran out of change. As the earth pulls you to leap from uncovered heights, so the home sprouted branches, entangling him to snoop. A green BMW freeing him from the spell, jacket over the forearm, briefcase in hand, he strode confidently through the door to Parkers happiness. Still writhing in pain, a dark blue Volvo enclosed the driveway. Up swooped the trunk, out flung the door, jeans and brown boots, her hair cut short. She walked toward the house with garment bags and groceries, the open trunk hopeful. She returned, two grocery bags, down with the trunk, in went the door. No lock of hair, no pencil. A welcome chill in the last light. He drove by slowly, a final glance at the curtains.

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Chapter XXVIII
The car drove itself through the quite traffic. A dark cloud obliterated the victorious sun and Parker felt the miles separating him from Christina. He sat at the counter of a Dennys, spooning up the cream of a chocolate shake as the cheeseburger clattered toward him. Their white shoes squeaked to the beat of bouncing plates. A startling clap of thunder and hot rain, he called John from a pay phone, of course he should come up for the weekend. A right instead of a left, a lone light in a strip mall, a tap on the glass. We were closing, what did you want?

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I have to go to Atlanta this weekend, I just found out, I know your closed, but I wanted to see if a could get ticket. Sure, come on in. He spent the rest of the ride home coming up with a solid excuse to use on Myra. * The bag of peas boiled on the stove, the macaroni and cheese spit up above it in the microwave. Myra, Ive got to go to Atlanta this weekend, well I dont have to go, but Kevin told me it would be a good idea to do the professional development seminar this weekend, since someone canceled and our region had an free slot. Professional development, it sounds like they are going to promote you again. It was too easy. Well, I dont know, to become an area coordinator you do have to go through this, I dont think they have anything in mind for me now, but they want me prepared for it if the occasion arises. When are you leaving? Friday, Ill leave the car at the airport, theyll pay for the parking. I hope they reimburse you more quickly this time. It might take awhile, I have to send it through corporate, since it is a weekend, volunteer thing. Try to get her off the money trail. That company of yours has the weirdest system for reimbursing your expenses. If she only know. What is the seminar about?

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Its a seminar on how to manage people, how to help them improve their performance and empower them. I think youre going to have a great future with ___ It looks that way. * Parker found John in the puzzle of cars. Want to get some Mexican, I know a decent place. Sounds good. They found their rhythm as John maneuvered out of the airport. Have you seen Kim? No, with Myra its not easy. How about you? Kind of lost touch with her, you know. The large deck rose high over the street removing the sound from the urban view. So, Parker, whats up? Im just bored and wanted to do some partying, told the old lady that Im at a weekend professional development conference. What a lowlife. Wait till your married. I think Ill wait. We are about forty-five minutes from Marietta, Ive got two bottles of Wild Turkey and some dope at home, I dont want to get to fucked up and drive, already have one DUI. Sounds good to me.

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They were comfortable with sweaters on in the warm fall night on the verandah. Some things dont change. Parker poured the drinks as John rolled the joints. I hope I dont they dont give me a piss test. Fuck them. It had special appeal to him now that he had quit smoking. It was like smoking without smoking. I like it out here, we can talk and smoke, my sister-in-law does like me to smoke dope in the house. You still party like you used to? Ive slowed down a bit, with work and all, but I still enjoy myself on the weekends. I did heroin, with this woman I met in a bar. It was wild. Before you got married? Yeah. I pretty much stick to dope and the occasional line. How do you like your job? It sucks, but it took me for ever to find something, Im going to have to stick it out. I know the feeling. The good thing about sales is you can jack off a lot of the time, especially if your numbers are OK. Im sure your are the king of not doing anything, you always were lazy, Kim told me how you would sleep all day in college. I hate working, responsibility, the company, all that shit. They can kiss my ass. But what can you do, you either play the game or flip hamburgers. Theres got to be some way to get around them, live off a woman, I think thats the key.

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You think Myra would support you? No, God no, not Myra, I was thinking more on the lines of some rich broad. I know who you were thinking of. Fuck you, but for example, she married some clown who works for the old man and takes home a wod of cash. How do you know? Kim told me. Kim told you she got married and her husband is working for the old man, but maybe he rides the hell out of him, your imagining things, working for your father-in-law could suck, no screwing the hot secretaries, no coming in with a hangover written all over your face, which Im sure you do quite often. You know what I would do, knock her up a couple times, and once there are kids running around, I would say I was depressed and couldnt work, and I would start going to a shrink, tell him all I think of is death and sleep. Hed say Im certifiably depressed, and woola, the good life. It would never work, they would unload you. A Wasp family would, but Latins arent like that, they usually will put up with you, as long as your not drunk all the time or beating up the wife. You would be drunk all the time. I would keep it under control. Parker freshened up the drinks while John rolled another joint. Honest conversation is not recommended for people who are married and working for large companies. 191

Im getting fucked up, I think Im gonna hit the sack after this drink. I had to get up early too. I wish we had some lines. said John. Hey, you know what I have, mushrooms. Psychedelic mushrooms? Yeah, I went to Yellowstone in July with a college buddy of mine, we did some shrooms one day hiking, and he gave me a bag to bring back. How were they? Good, I was so tired from hiking that it didnt really have that strong an effect, maybe they would be different here. Lets do them, I havent tripped in years. * The shower and change of scenery worked well. You must be the famous Parker, how are you, Im Pat, and this is my wife Candy. Parker, would you like some eggs, I making some scrabble eggs for Pat, take a mug and have some coffee. Great, thanks. So, what do you boys have planned for today? Parker looked at John across the kitchen table. Were going to do those mushrooms I brought back from Yellowstone. Damn, I wish I could do them with you, but were having dinner with Candys parents. Were going to the library, if you want to come.

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Good idea, Parker, eat breakfast, because you remember how hard it was to eat anything. Parker cut up the mushrooms into small pieces. We only did about half that many when we were in California. He didnt even look up. Maybe thats why you didnt feel anything, dont worry, well be fine. Your a fucking maniac. What do they make you feel like? asked Candy. Its like all the colors, lines, emotions, everything, is exaggerated and amplified. I would be scared to do it. Parker mixed the peanut butter with the mushrooms in the bowl, slicing the sandwiches diagonally. Do they taste bad? asked Candy. Kinda of. The taste of the dried mushrooms was almost invisible behind the peanut butter, and if it werent for their strange texture, they would have gone unnoticed. The scent of books sent him back, the new buildings exposed construction and bright colors leapt out, Pat watching closely. The center isle led them to a window where they could hide the laughter. Teary eyes could barely see the cemetery and woods beyond. The tingling reached from under his ears, through his face and into his mouth. John, dude, I think Im losing it, I cant stop laughing. Come on, lets go to the stacks. Pat led them through the rows of plastic covered books, Parker fingering a row of Fitzgerald. Candy appeared from behind a stack, loaded with books, their covers painted with Vikings armed with lasers flanked by voluptuous blondes, all the same author. The long check out line sent Parker and John roaming, they wound up in two rocking chairs facing the cemetery in the 193

childrens section. A young boy began rocking to their rhythm in a small chair next to them, an imposing, overcast sky. Another laughing attack, not wanting to ridicule the boy. Find any good books? Uh hu, my mama reads them to me, Im in third grade and I got a girlfriend. Youve go a girlfriend already, is she pretty? No, she ugly, real ugly. Mayhem. My brother got a girlfriend too, she uglier than mine. Contracted bodies and tears, the boys mother approached, an apprehensive smile. Are you bothering these gentleman? No, not at all. Responded John. Hes very funny. Do you guys remember your grammar school library, mine was really wild, all kids books about war and stuff? Asked Parker from the back seat. About war? Another attack of laughter. War, your grammar school had war books? It had lots of war books, at least thats what I remember, you guys didnt have a grammar school library? * An attempt to save an old square that had seen a better day; pierced and shaved, choleric looks from collegiate suburbanites trying to be angry. The coffee arrived to the card covered wooden tables in steaming handled glasses. Thin, alone, head without hair: he stared at them. Parker didnt understand the game but enjoyed his surroundings. She takes it kind of seriously. Parker looked at Candy, who maintained her stern expression, and burst out laughing. 194

John leaned over to Parker Dude, this keeps getting stronger and stronger, its really intense. Your having a good trip though, right? Yeah. Dont worry about it, everythings gonna be cool. Pat, I think that guys looking at you. I know, he has been staring at me for a while. He doesnt look good. Parker enjoyed the coffee; the aroma and the heat were pleasing. Lets go you guys, weve got to get ready for dinner. Said Candy nervously. * You have two chicken breasts in sauce, some pasta, and lasagna, just take them out of the Tupperware and heat them in the microwave. Eat all you want. The bottle opened like a full breast, the pop of the cork relaxing the light red Beaujolais. They remained corralled in the kitchen while the wine lasted. John, are you OK? It was just that guy in the caf, he kind of freaked me out, but Im OK now that Im home, Im totally buzzed though. This is a great place to trip. I know, its like another country from South Florida. Do you ever miss it?

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Not really, Atlanta is forty five minutes away, and if I want big city life Ive got it all there. Ive of been seeing this girl in Atlanta lately, if we go out I spend the night at her place, Ive really got the best of both worlds, when I go home to see the folks I get my fill of the beach and all that. Im getting sick of it down there, its so damn hot and there no change of season, the trees never change color, nobody speaks English. Were getting old, Im realizing it today, shit, when you think about it, its been a long time since we tripped in high school. That was a wild day. I think you freaked Christina out that day. Why? Kim told me, you knew they were roommates? She told me. She said she talked about you a lot, and that you acted really strange. I never told you because I knew how you got all worked up about her. Kim said that she had a crush on you. No, I told you what happened later, and Kim never said anything. I dont know, thats what Kim told me. Why didnt you say anything to me? I didnt think it would go anywhere. Parker, fill the ice bucket and grab some glasses. The sun was large behind the trees of the distant forest. Night approached the verandah through high grass and cool air, the smoke leaving his nostrils and filling his tongue with flavor. Tell me about this girl your seeing.

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Im really into her. She is totally cool, relaxed, hot, a funky dresser. Your into a broad whos a dresses funky? Its not that, shes got style, shes different. Why didnt you have her come over? I dont know, I figured you could meet her the next time you come up, I kinda felt like just sitting around and getting fucked up. We sure have succeeded. Urinating, he looked in the mirror, trying to see if the pleasure was visible on his face, because he had never felt better. How long have you been with __ Company? Over two years now. Do you ever think about changing? All the time, I want to leave before they catch up to me and fire me. Good idea, what would you do? Sell the house, settle with Myra and go to Spain. What would you do there? I could spend a few years doing nothing, than I could get a job probably, doing what Im doing now, once my Spanish was good enough. Ive been thinking about it all day, the world is big, there is so much to see and do and our lives are short. Fuck killing yourself so some fat ass stockholder in Connecticut smoking a twenty dollar cigar can get a hard on when you and twenty thousand other suckers get laid off and the stock price goes up a dollar a share.

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I know how you feel. This girl Ive been seeing wants to take off, go out west, live in the country. Some days, when Im stuck in traffic, man. The mirror again, but this time not so good. Falling when he wanted to climb, his image crass, John was anxious to talk. You know, I finally think I understand all your nuttiness for Christina. How so? A sip of bourbon, a step up. I always thought you were a little nuts, I mean, in respect to her, but now, since Ive met this girl, her name is Karen, I think I know what was going on with you. Until you feel it, you cant understand it. Do you still feel that way? Absolutely. Unbelievable, if its still there, it will probably be there for ever. But Ive learned to live with it, its not as bad as it was in high school, and finding out now what she told Kim makes it easier. God Damn, I cant stop pissing. The fickle mirror, she gave him a final thrill, a vein of pure pleasure. The enormous red sun fell slowly from the orange sky, it would all collapse into a dark night, the finite pleasure of it pleased him. The penultimate drink at the end of a day. You know what John, I feel great, its like the happiness valve has been turned on in my brain. I have the sensation that everything Ive ever felt has just been some little man turning on and off switches in my head, but it doesnt matter, its good to be alive. Thats wild, just dont freak out on me.

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