AspecialeditionofTheSouthsLiveliestCollegeNewspaper

ESTABLISHED1911,GEORGIAINSTITUTEOFTECHNOLOGY,ATLANTA,GA
TO
TUESDAY
NOVEMBER24,2009
ONLINE: www.nique.net
!""#$%&#'&()#$%*$#+$),#(&#-./'$0
Almost100percentnewcontent!
VOLUME95,ISSUE18
By Chris P. Bacon
Bear Mediator
Photo by Emma Roids/Pictures not Books
Admissions cut
with increased
reading levels
By Moe Ronn
Academic Mediocrity Ocer
MONSTER TRUCKS PUZZLING PAGEANT JOE COX
ECONOMIC PLUNGER
Bear named new Dean of Forestry
Photo by I.R. Drunk/Picture Taking People
Dean Bear oversees new mandates on in-
creasing student awareness of forest res.
Toilet paper shortages may lead to a lack of UGA diplomas
By Joe Plumber
Plumber Extraordinaire
Photo by Emma Roids/ Pictures not Books
Schnei-Schnei Jones lifts his diploma up high at last Mays commencement ceremony. Jones and his fellow graduates could
be the last of U[sic]GA graduates to receive their diplomas, due to the toilet paper shortage and economic downturn.
e agging economy has slowed
the production of many commodities,
including the toilet paper industry.
is shortage could have severe reper-
cussions, includin one on diploma
availability, a worry plaguing the U[sic]
GA.
ere is denite concern that there
might not be enough toilet paper with
which to print our diplomas on come
graduation day, said Seymour Butte,
director of both Administrations and
one of the Alcoholics Anonymous clin-
ics in Athens. Weve been thinking of
several replacements, but there arent
many materials that hold as many
advantages that toilet paper does. For
example, we pride ourselves in telling
prospective students that a Georgia
degree holds many advantages. Like, if
you had to go to the bathroom and it
turns out that the owner forgot to stock
up on toilet paper, well then youll be
in luck as youll have your diploma. In
fact, research shows that our diplomas
Last year, U[sic]GA decided to in-
crease the minimum reading standards
for incoming freshmen to the 3rd grade
level. e change resulted in a 50% cut
in admissions.
is decision was made in response to
recent budget cuts by the University Sys-
tem of Georgias Board of Regents (BoR)
due to the economic downturn. ese
budget cuts have forced U[sic]GA to
make cuts to their faculty size. Of which,
the admissions sta was hit the hardest.
Our sta is simply unable to go
through the applications of the many oth-
erwise ne second-graders. To help them
we increased the minimum reading stan-
dards to aid our admissions sta, said
Lou Pole, director of admissions.
Also because of budget cuts U[sic]GA
has been forced to delay the hiring and
relling of vacated faculty positions.
is downturn has made us unable to
maintain the superb faculty that has pro-
vided the students with the qualityparty-
ing experience, we mean education, that
we have provided for so long, Pole said.
With the cuts in admissions, U[sic]GA
can expect to maintain the similar stu-
dent-faculty ratios compared to previous
years, nally bringin them in line with
state day-care and child safety standards,
a long-time goal.
U[sic]GA has found itself particularly
hard-hit by this nancial crisis. When the
BoR announced the budget cuts they are
expressed as a percentage or portion of
the operating budget.
Because we dont have the promi-
nence of other schools like Georgia Tech
and whatnot, we cant command as large
of a research budget that would otherwise
provide some support during these nan-
cially dicult times, said Harry Pitts,
senior vice president for nance admin-
istration.
Ocials at U[sic]GA an-
nounced last Friday that
Smokey D. Bear has been
named the new Dean of the
Warnell School of Forestry
and Natural Resources. Re-
ports have come in from lo-
cal residents claiming that
Dean Smokey is not in fact
the well-known re safety ad-
vocate from the United States
Forest Service public service
announcements, but is in-
stead a 456 lb. male black bear
that had been seen lumbering
around campus earlier in the
week.
e hire came as quite a
shock to many at the school
including the former Dean
himself who was forced to ee
through a second story win-
dow after the bear was led into
his oce with a trail of mixed
nuts and assorted berries and
locked inside. e bears rst
order of business as the new
dean was to run about wildly,
knocking over tables, chairs,
and bookshelves. is redeco-
ration was followed by an ex-
tended nap on the antique ex-
ecutive desk.
Although it was previously
believed that they would inter-
vene in the matter, the Board
of Regents has decided to let
this one go, according to the
Boards Vice Chair Richard
D. Philips, since it denitely
cant make things any worse
there. When reached for com-
ment, Dean Smokey bared his
See Diploma, page 3
See Dean, Page 2
Hell Georgia
w
i
t
h
Tragedy strikes the Aes-
thetically Based Scholar-
ship Competition. Female
student has crown ripped
away on page 12.
The unsuccessful
senior Quarterback
seems confused by
all the jokes. Read all
about it on page 14.
Photo by Jamie Howell/Picture Taking People
Trucks are really
awesome. Now you
can park them on
campus. See more
on page 7.
2 - November 24, 2009 - Technique TOILET PAPER
City of Athens, Greece renamed
In an act to preserve national
pride, the Prime Minister of
Greece announced Monday that
after dealing with decades of dis-
appointment and embarrassment,
the citizens of Greece have elected
to rename the nations capital and
largest city, Athens, to end its as-
sociation with its former sister city
of Athens, Georgia.
Recent polls have indicated
that many residents of the city
have been confused for quite some
time as to why the birthplace of
such great ideas like democracy,
philosophy, and modern science
would be aliated with a commu-
nity that is home to the cesspool
of the South.
Many went as far as saying
that they actually hate the small
Georgian city, its obsession with
smushed-faced dogs, and the gen-
eral lack of basic hygienic practic-
es amongst the population. A tiny
village on the outskirts of the cap-
ital has even submitted multiple
proposals to the government, all
outlining a plan to summon the
power of Zeus to sink the whole
place into the ocean just like At-
lantis! stating that it would be
wicked awesome!
Although the referendum was
passed through Parliament on
Sunday, there is still no ocial
word on what the new name will
By Hercules Cacockpolous
Senior Demi-god
actually be. Suggestions have been
pouring in from across the coun-
try with several along the lines of
wU[sic]GAopolis, and Pis-
sondawga.
Ocials from the city of Ath-
ens, Georgia declined to comment
out of fear of being kicked into a
frickin huge bottomless pit by a
particularly angry Spartan.
Dean from page 1
teeth and let out a loud roar before
swiping his massive paw at the
journalist, who suered only mild
abrasions and a broken rib.
ough it has only been a week
since he was appointed to oce,
the Deans term has not been
without controversy amongst the
student body. Allegations have
arisen that Smokey may be of the
subspecies Ursus americanus ori-
danus, or as they are more com-
monly known, Florida Black Bear.
According to polls, a majority of
students are, plum angry, at the
thought of the university hiring a
doody-headed Gator fan!
Not all of the universitys re-
cent changes in faculty have been
as disputed. Dean Scru Mc-
Gru, a 9-year-old Bloodhound
once used for hunting, has stream-
lined the curriculum at U[sic]GAs
School of Law to include learning
to sni out guilty culprits, bark
madly, and bite if necessary. Dean
G. Gecko, a students former pet
lizard, has been rather successful
at the Terry College of Business
bringing the graduation rate up to
an astounding 3.5%its highest
in years.
Photo by Iona Traktor/ Heavy Machinery
Citizens of Athens, Greece, demand name change following more
than 200 years of humiliation due to another Athens institution.
By the Technique
If its your rst year at Georgia
Tech or if you are a University
of Georgia student lucky enough
to lay eyes on this issue of the
Techniquewelcome to To Hell
With Georgia, a very special edi-
tion of the e Souths Liveliest
College Newspaper. In the fol-
lowing pages you will nd alco-
hol, rednecks, farm animals and
lots of dawgs.
We members of the Technique
are often asked how the tradition
of THWUGA began. Friends say
that by producing such a rag, we
Tech students merely perpetuate
unfortunate stereotypesof Ath-
ens students as drunken rednecks
and ourselves as geeks with infe-
riority complexesthat are no
longer as true as they once were.
e answer to these questions are
the same every time; THWUGA
is as much about us as it is about
our rivals.
Some 97 years ago, the rst
edition of the Technique published
on Nov. 17, 1911 was a four-page
paper that focused primarily on
the upcoming football contest
with Georgia. It predicted, ar-
rogantly and incorrectly, that the
Jackets would triumph over the
Bulldogs.
From these modest roots, the
present day Technique came into
being. And it is these roots that we
as a sta honor when we produce
To Hell With Georgia.
Over the years, the Technique
has produced various issues mock-
ing UGAs daily newspaper, e
Red and Black, and the constitu-
ency it serves. Its been called e
Rude and Bleak and UGA Today,
and its lead story has ranged from
airport security classes to Ford
sponsorships.
But it is not the name of the
paper or the content within it that
matters most to us; it is the tradi-
tion embodied in this issue that
we hold deara tradition of inge-
nuity and creativity that binds us
together not only as a newspaper
sta, but also as a Tech commu-
nity.
While the jokes may tend to be
the same, lame or just plain crude,
we stay dedicated to the fact of
honoring our humble beginnings.
Maintaining high journalistic
standards and being the voice
of Tech students is the primary
concern of the Technique , but
through this special issue we still
keep alive the moniker of e
Souths Liveliest College News-
paper.
So as you ip through these 16
pages keep in mind its all in good
humor and meant to make you
thankful and proud to be a Jacket.
We hope you enjoy reading it as
much as we enjoyed creating it.
Remember, this issue is as
much about you, me and Ma Tech
as it is about UGA.
THWUGA: As much
about us as them
Technique - November 24, 2009 - 3 TOILET PAPER
!!"#$%&'(%))'*+,-.+/%01
!"$$,&'2.//34
www.nique.net
sliver
Return to SC at the lost and found
or to GT police, they be all around
Just please, please return my key
why is the sliver box so freaking hard to nd!
Oh my gosh I know who the sliver editor is now!
Why are there so many WREK haters that know absolutely noth-
ing about the radio station?
Bridget, you are beautiful.
Esther, you are the cutest Asian ever.
Emily, you are my one true love.
Boys at Tech, you stinkkkkkk
Clint, I joined the sail club for you.
Antonio from Twelth Night, you made Twelth Night the number
one night of my life.
When there are ies on your roommates clothes, you know its
time for her to clean her junk up.
Trumpet player with the bright roos, you make me smile.
Edward, please marry me.
What Ive learned from Bellichick and Johnson is that going for
it on 4th and 1 is okay. 4th and 2? Not so much.
Math department is the nerdiest department...crosses CS and
maybe EE!!!
georgia tech-a drinking school with an engineering problem
And its 1 am again, and I am tossing and turning thinking about
you....DSP. Oh How you make me complete.
ey are coming to take me away haha, they are coming to take
me away hoho...
Citi presents the Exxon Mobile College of Management in spon-
sorship with Tostitos
e only dierence between being charming and creepy is the
reaction.
GT PARKING BLOWS THE BIG ONE
Who are these people?
freshman survival guide only helps to a certain degree, whether
you can survive at tech still depends on how smart you are
I sense a disturbance in the bogus
accrue more value after such us-
age. If we were to switch materials
then there would be no advan-
tage, Butte said.
Some think this break from
tradition represents a grave threat
to the university.
Its been the time-honored
tradition to print our diplomas on
high quality toilet paper. Weve
already broken from our other
traditions like upgrading the min-
imum required reading level to
the third grade. Besides, why do
I need to take English? I already
know English. Its unpossible for
me to fail it. Look at whats hap-
pened ever since the switch: en-
rollments already dropped 50%.
A change to our diploma material
would be a greater threat to our
institution than mandating a basic
level of hygiene, said Jim Shorts,
an irate redneck who didnt actu-
ally attend U[sic]GA.
Actual Georgia students are
split upon the possibility of a
change.
I mean, whats going to like
happen if we had to like go back-
packing like in the woods or some-
thing? You know what I mean?
Like I wouldnt have needed to
pack extra toilet stu as I could
have just brought my diploma. If
I were to bring extra toilet stu
then I wouldnt be able to bring
all my old Sports Illustrated issues
back when our football team was
still number 1, said Heywood
Jablomey, a 12th year senior ma-
joring in Cowbell Instrumenta-
tion.
Other students think the
change is a good thing.
As for Yablomey, Ive got an
idea as to what he can use those
old issues for. Anyways, who cares
what the diplomas are printed on?
ey can use whatever type of pa-
per they want for all I care like tis-
sue or graphite. e real value is in
the education we receive. After all,
you never know when you have to
weave baskets underwater, said
Jenny Tulls, a 6th year Underwa-
ter Basket Weaver.
ough the discussion remains
heated, ocials are condent a so-
lution is close. Here at Georgia,
we believe in tradition but that
doesnt mean we wont embrace
something new. I mean, it was ac-
ceptable before to date our cous-
ins and once it became frowned
upon, some students persisted.
Now look at the progress weve
made, reports of inter-cousin she-
nanigans at Athens are down 10%
this year! I am supremely con-
dent that Georgia will weather
this storm like it has previous
ones, Butte said.
Diploma from page 1
Late last week, renowned cryp-
tozoologist Dr. Fanny ORear
arrived in Athens to personally
continue his search for the artist
apparently using U[sic]GA build-
ings as his or her artistic canvas.
In a recent interview about
his new mission, ORear stated,
From the evidence so readily ap-
parent, it is clear to me we must
be dealing with a living specimen
of mans Cro-Magnon ancestors.
e faculty was dubious at my
rst insistent pleas to commence
a search. ey ignored me for
weeks; taking the opportunity to
constantly lambaste me that the
only possible explanation of such
art on their campus would be in-
visible aliens or a rather intelligent
farm animal.
However, Dr. ORears mo-
ment came when bipedal prints
appeared under the newest work.
Most everyone has rapidly shifted
to Dr. ORears theory believing
no other as a possibility. e fac-
ulty, in a move to identify if this
individual is hiding among the
student body, has dispersed artis-
Mysterious cave
drawings revealed
By Art Syfartsy
Caveman
tic aptitude tests.
We will feel so proud if this
caveman is among our students,
said Professor Gripes, never have
I held out so much hope that a
U[sic]GA student could have such
a talent to develop.
Graders have refused to pres-
ent the results of the examination.
Rumors suggest that multiple
students have met the criteria for
the suspected specimen. However,
Gripes shared some of his hopes as
to the eventual conclusion.
Gripes said, Never had I
thought it possible, but here we
just may be able to identify a pre-
historic person by intelligence.
ink of what may be revealed
when he or she is discovered.
Could it even be that he is of a
clan that has survived here at
U[sic]GA with little or no genetic
harm since the establishment of
this institution? I nd that to be
my grandest dream now that I
have witnessed this U[sic]GA en-
vironment.
In related news, Geico, hav-
ing heard the possibility of a liv-
ing Cro-Magnon, has changed its
tagline to So easy a dawg could
do it.
Photo by I.R. Something
U[sic]GA ocials call in professionals to investigate recently dis-
covered cave drawings on academic buildings across campus.
Photo by Michael James / Student Publications
See this? This really happened. No exaggeration, elaboration or explanation needed. Now
that the game is being played on the Jackets home turf, its the Dawgs chance to not mess up.
FAIR WARNING
We Thunk It
Remember, licking doorknobs is illegal
on other planets!
Spongebob Squarepants
Opinions Editor: Esther Bunni

OUR VIEWS CONSENSUS OPINION

Save real majors from cuts
Law school should be eliminated due to budget constraints
We feel like we need to speak out
against the injustices of cutting the bud-
gets of all schools on campus equally,
when the most of students will be hurt
by such allocations. Instead of lettin all
departments suer in these trying eco-
nomic times, we should be brave enough
to simply cut the departments that real
dawgs dont need and save the real majors
from cuts that we dont like.
Although we see the importance of de-
partments such as the law school to the
few students enrolled there, most students
at U[sic]GA would not feel the loss of
those majors. By cuttin from their depart-
ments, we can ensure that there is enough
money to sustain the departments that
are the lifeblood of our university, like
football.
When faced with a crisis like statewide
budget cuts, everyones gotta wanna make
sacrices and agree to scale programs back
to the core of what bein a Dawg means.
For the majority of students here, we
can agree that the schools that matter are
those we can actually make a living o of
when we graduate like Crop Sciences and
Animal Husbandry.
No one will miss the law school stu-
dents constantly using big words in the
dining hall and insisting that animals be
contained to one side of campus and not
allowed to graze freely. Plus, their soon-
to-be empty buildings can be demolished
to have more room for farming land.
If just cuttin the law school does not
free enough money to save other depart-
ments from cuts, we then suggest cutting
the math department. Not failing Ge-
ometry would help boost all of our GPAs
anyway.
Were hopin that the administration
seriously considers our proposal for the
common good. By gettin the law school,
they maintain the best interests of the
majority of students, and besides, hav-
ing less lawyers in the world would be an
added bonus.
EDITORIAL CARTOON BY AVA SECTEMY
THINGS YOU THOUGHT LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
Bail for underage
drinking arrests cuts
into beer budget
Write to us:
letters@thwuga.net
We welcome your letters in
response to THWGA content
as well as topics relevant to
campus. We will print letters
on a timely and space-avail-
able basis.
Letters should not exceed
400 words and must not be
written on any material other
than paper. Napkins are ac-
ceptable, but not preferred.
While we appreciate the cre-
ativity of play-dough represen-
tations, videos of interpretive
dances, ect, these mediums
are not easily manipulated
into print format and will not
be published. Pictures must be
originals and not taken from
coloring books.
Letters must be submit-
ted by Tuesday in order to be
printed in the following Fri-
days issue. Include your full
name, year (1st, 2nd, etc.) and
major.
e Consensus Opinion reects the majority opinion of the Editorial Board of the
THWUGA, but not necessarily the opinions of individual editors.
Technique Editorial Board
Anita Drank, Boss Lady
Budda Face, Desperate
Bo Rang, Kentucky Fumbler
Lolly Popper, Sexpert
Miss Guatemala, Race Relations Chair
Josh Kidding, Football Is Fun
Cass Tigate, Drunk Life
Esther Bunni, oughts and Stu
Spud Hasselho, Money Getter
Sans Cannabis, Etch-a-Sketch Draw-er
Swan Lake, Prettiness Doer
Totalia Feminista, Arrested Development
Ta-Bibbity Boppity-Boo, Old News
THWUGA
4
Tuesday,
November 24, 2009
ere should be laws
against outt robbers
Barbie Horton
8th-year Fashion History
Jack Daniels
1st-year Animal Husbandry
Technique - November 24, 2009 - 5 WE THUNK IT
According to my friend Mr.
Spacey, in 2012 the world will
end.
My friend Mr. Sandberg
told me that will happen too,
unless my good friend Mrs.
Palin runs for president. at
is a scary future.
My professor in typin class
told me that the future is tech-
nology. at means that tech-
nology is scary, and I think we
should stop it.
My professors keep tryin to
teach me things about technol-
ogy, but I already learned all I
need to know about technol-
ogy from the only good tech-
nology, television.
According to that Mr.
Baldwin on television, aliens
are taking over the internets
with their alien hulu-hoops
and are gonna slurp our brains
out. I need my brains remem-
berin thing, not for slurping,
so thats not good.
Plus, in that Terminator
movie the internet went up
into the sky and took over the
world and tried to kill us all.
I have seen my friend from
that smart person school Tech
on the internet before, and it
looks real boring and nerdy,
so I dont understand it, and
my friend Mr. Beck from TV
taught me that stu I dont un-
derstand is all evil and bad and
nazi-communist, so internet is
bad too.
As a side note, could some-
one explain to me what a nazi-
communist is?
See, the way I see it, its only
a matter of time until technol-
ogy gets smarter than us. I
gur my smartness is about
level 9, and I saw on TV that
the new-fangled Windows
technology was already at level
7.
ats only 4 more levels
until the Windows is smarter
than me. Why do we even
need smart windows? My win-
dows are not smart, and they
are just ne for looking out of
and stu. Even the windows at
those other smart-folks schools
seem ne. ey work real well
every time I throw a brick at
them.
I also heard that our school
has some technologi-ed ma-
jors, like that engineering
thing that they do at Tech. I
do not think we should do
that, since having engineering
technology types around just
means that there will be people
to turn into cyborgs when the
robots try to take over.
See, if we have people in
the rooms with the computers
when they attack, those people
will all go rst, so we should
all stay at least two turnip
elds away from computers all
the time. Except on game day,
then somebody should stay
next to the computer to make
sure the game clock works.
Our idea to let the game clock
turn into a cyborg and run
itself did not work well last
week, maybe thats why those
dumb kitty-cats beat us dawgs.
Cyborgs are the scariest
part of the future. ey are
like people, but instead of hav-
ing skin and eating possums
and tippin cows for fun, they
are covered in computers and
eat brains and kill us all for
fun.
Between the TV people on
the internet doing the hulu-
hoop and eating our brains
and the zombies that were
running around campus a few
weeks ago, I dont think I can
protect my brain from any
more technologies.
Shoot, I have been so busy
protecting my brain that I
havent even had time to use
it. Fortunately, my friend Mr.
Limbaugh told me I dont
have to use my brain. He and
Mr. Beck will tell me what to
do so I dont have to use my
brain to protect it from the
evil technologies.
ats real good, because I
can listen to them all day long
on that news site on the inter-
nets. I guess thats technology,
kinda, but if it includes Mr.
Becks approval, then I guess
its ok.
We should at least control
that dang technology to only
be used to hear what we need
to do for the day and think
while we protect our brains
from slurping and the ying
sky internets.
We need to keep control-
ling technology, not letting it
control us. When clocks do
stu like tellin us what time
it is, or radios tell us what day
of the week it is, thats just one
more step towards the end of
the world.
e technologies will get
us, unless we get them rst.
ats why we have to keep
doin stu like turnin the
game clock o at the end of
the game when we are losing.
Because remember, if no-one
takes a picture of a technology
telling us we are losing, then
we aint losing.
On that note, we should
destroy cameras, since they
are gonna capture your soul,
which is a lot like your brain.
Lets all join together and
shun those scary technologies.
Technology is just plain evil and dumb
Plus, in that Terminator
movie the internet went up
into the sky and took over the
world and tried to kill us all.
Anita Drank
Boss Lady
Albert Cohaulic
ird-year Basket Weaving
Screaming at the football
games. WHOOO!
Amanda Huginkiss
First-year Bovine Sciences
Like, partying and stu.
Moe Lester
Second-year Forestry
Drink. Or smoke. Or both!
Maya Butreaks
ird-year Animal Husbandry
Wranglin cows n stu.
What is the best way to
spend your weekend?
!
"
#
#
!"#$%&'()*+$,
UGA is famous for one
thing, our football program.
We have always been titans
of the SEC, athletes so strong
that it didnt matter that we
couldnt spell our own names,
a team that was so unied we
could spend thousands of dol-
lars on uniforms that changed
nothing about how well we
played the game.
But now, our program is
in shambles. e Dawgs have
been bitten hard, and it is
the fault of one man. No, not
Head Coach Mark Richt, may
he be praised.
No, not defensive coordi-
nator Willie Martinez, may
he pay for his sins. e man
behind this evil curse, this un-
natural arrangement, is none
other than the orange-shirted
jorts-wearing devil himself,
Tim Tebow.
From a young age Tim
Tebow showed an unnatural
predisposition for cursing the
gloried Dawgs. Our angelic
black and red were ying high,
proudly bearing the honor
of Dawgs before us when the
young T(evil)bow rst threw a
football, a day in which dawgs
worldwide felt a pang crack-
ing right through our favorite
bone, but did not know why.
As the years progressed, our
team soared above all others,
until this year. is year, as a
senior, Tebows voodoo power
has come into full force. e
evil pacts he made during his
years helping others and
volunteering seem to have
increased his popularity be-
yond bounds.
His need to maintain mor-
als and Christian values
bae us on the football eld.
How can we play football if we
obey laws of decency? e only
way to play is to hold, foul, and
grab face-masks for almost
100 yards of penalty, like we
did against then Kentuckians,
and that didnt even let us win.
ats is because of Tim
Tebow. Before he started
playing with his high-falutin
throwin and complete passes,
the only way to play football
was to run at the other guy
and try to hurt them without
those guys in the striped shirts
throwing you o the eld for
fouls. Whatever. Aint nothing
foul about a good smackdown.
ere aint gonna be any
more Saturdays in Athens this
year, and thats a good thing.
e humiliation dealt to us at
the hands of that evil, moral-
istic, super-successful and be-
loved Tim Tebow was just too
much to handle.
After driving down to Jack-
sonville to play them where
they whooped us, we had to
watch their team sit at the
top of those fancy footballin
charts all year long while our
righteous Dawgs fell o the
lists.
Who cares if our team
quarterback couldnt complete
a pass playing against a 12-and
under team? Who cares if we
lost to Kentucky for the rst
time in 32 years at home, when
they were playing with a fresh-
man QB half the time.
Who cares if the only bowl
we will get to go to is the Toilet
Bowl. We are the Dawgs, and
the Dawgs are number one. Or
we would be, if it wasnt for
that Tebow.
And now we have to go and
play another top ten team this
week. Now sure, they dont
have the evil voodoo powers of
Tebow on their side, but they
got some sort of magical op-
tion stu that our team just
dont understand.
Football isnt about options,
its about ghtin, and barkin
and goin home and chugging
down some Keystone Light.
ere aint no options in that,
so there shouldnt be no op-
tions on the eld.
Alls I know is that weve
got to stop having so many
blasted options to play with
and just choose the only one
that is acceptable and that is to
win. It just aint possible with
Tebow around bringing us all
down.
is Paul Johnson guy they
got thar at Tech sounds like
he might be crazy like Tebow.
He not only has options dur-
ing the game, but three! at
is just plain unacceptable. He
just needs to pick. I know I
cant handle three options, and
the rest of our players certainly
cant.
So, in response to this
world-wide anti-Dawgs plague
that is taking over the great
state of Georgia, I have a sug-
gestion. Lets just do like the
scoreboard guy does at the
end of the games when we are
losing. Instead of showing up
on Saturday, lets just stay at
home. Skip the football play-
ing and get straight to the dog-
gie-stylin, the barkin and the
Keystone Light.
at way, Tim Tebow
and that new crazy man Paul
Johnson wont have a chance
to work their voodoo magic
on us. We cant lose if we run
away or are too drunk to play
and then arent even there.
at way we angelic, pow-
erful and majestic Dawgs can
keep our honor, by running
home with our tails between
our legs.
Stupid Tebows vodoo makes us badder
Skip the football...That way,
Tim Tebow and that new crazy
man Paul Johnson wont have a
chance to work their vodoo...
Wes Consin
Football Commentater
Photos by Sans Cannabis
6 - November 24, 2009 - Technique WE THUNK IT
Top 10 things I wish I knew
before coming to U[sic]GA
So I love being a Dawg as
much as any other U[sic]GA
fan, but sometimes I wish
that they had mentioned all
the bad stu I needed to pre-
pare for before getting here.
Heres the 10 things you
should know so you dont get
all confused like I did.
1. S, E and C are not the
only letters of the alpha-
bet I need to memorize.
It took me half an hour
just to write this one sen-
tence. I kept having to look
back at my SparkCharts
cheat sheet for the other 23
letters.
2. Beer pong is not a var-
sity sport.
I spent four years in high
school perfecting my beer
pong skills, expecting to be a
walk-on for the team. Turns
out there aint one. I person-
ally think it takes lots of skill
to get a small ball in a small
cup while drunk.
3. 22 is too old for the
Athens bar scene.
I started going to the bars
downtown my freshman
year, and even then I was one
of the oldest people there.
My senior year, I headed
out with some friends only
to discover that drinks were
being served in baby bottles
and sippy cups. Also, the
my-age-divided-by-t wo-
plus-seven rule didnt really
apply to half of the chicks at
the bar.
5. Donde esta la bibliote-
ca? actually has answer.
I thought this was just
some funny-sounding phrase
that I learned in my Mexi-
can class. I never thought
that there actually was one of
these la biblioteca things.
Actually, we have four on
campus...who knew? I dont
really go in them at all, ex-
cept to use the pisser on
gameday.
6. Big trucks wont t in
regular parking spaces.
I was used to driving my
big truck into lots of dier-
ent-sized and dierent-col-
ored parking spaces at my
high school. I was shocked
to discovered how all these
parking spaces are the same.
One size really doesnt t all.
7. Co-ed dorm rooms
arent allowed.
Dern housing people
wont let me room with any
females, even if shes only my
half-sister. Hows a man sup-
posed to be the alpha male if
he has to share a room with
another Dawg?
8. Ries are a rearm, and
therefore arent allowed
on campus.
First o, what kind of col-
lege administration would
take away our beloved Sec-
ond Amendment rights?
What if I needed to shoot
a squirrel to get some late
night grub? Or what if I
wanted to shoot some skeet
between classes? is blows.
9. The Arch on campus is
not actually McDonalds.
With all this talk about
the Arch and its traditions
at U[sic]GA, I was disap-
pointed that they werent
actually talking about Mc-
Donalds, the most luxurious
and gourmet eatery that Ive
ever been to. Instead I was
served a super-sized dose of
learnin. Im NOT lovin it.
10. You actually need a
drivers license to drive in
Athens.
I always thought that Ath-
ens was some magic fun
zone where you didnt need
a license. I looked up to the
football team and took after
their example, which didnt
work out so well after all...
OUR VIEWS HOT OR NOT
Beer is yummy
HOT
or
NOT
Hows a man supposed to
be the alpha male if he has
to share a room with another
dawg?
Monty Zooma
Ocial Counter
Tebow sucks
anksgiving turkeys Algebra now required
Drunk Life
Organization Spotlight: Club Crayola
Club that promotes the practice of coloring
inside the lines as well as safe crayon usage
(e.g. crayon-in-nose prevention methods).
Contact: www.thwuga.net
THWUGA
7
Tuesday,
November 24, 2009
By Kandi Cotton
Monster Truck Acionado
e U[sic]GA Parking De-
partment began construction last
week to meet demands for more
available space, though not in the
typical way.
Bombarded by a sea of de-
mands, Parking has been forced
to begin construction of a new
garage that is equipped to handle
the very large pick-up trucks that
are so common on the Athens
campus.
Bobby Joe, eighth-year poultry
engineer and mud-tire acionado,
said, Its about time they recog-
nized the needs of the student
body. It was criminal how they
expected us to get by with trucks
we didnt need a ladder to get into.
I just dont feel like a man if my
tires arent bigger than whatever
car Im driving next to.
Billy Bob, Joes second cousin
and step-brother, agrees. I just
cant believe how ill-equipped the
campus is right now. Yesterday, I
just stood by in horror as my little
sister was told she couldnt even
t her tires in the garage. How
exactly is she supposed to pick up
Bobby Joe for their date in a car
that small? Bob said.
Very large monster trucks
are common among the campus
as many students feel that whom-
ever has the largest truck is often
the most masculine and truly a
U[sic]GA fan. Students can often
be seen in the student parking lots
admiring each other trucks and
comparing the size of their trucks.
e trucks are also very important
to the students because they are
believed to attract only the truest
Georgia fans as mates.
Parking administrators say
they are concerned they may have
to receive special clearance to
build the garage.
Johnny John orton, Dean
of U[sic]GAs College of Parking,
said, As it was, the structure was
already set to tower over every
other building in Athens. With
the popularity of this new design-
er line of 82 inch tires, though,
were set to break records.
While the structure is con-
structed, students whose trucks
dont t in current parking garag-
es are making do in a pasture just
o of campus.
is has raised concerns over
the health of the schools cheer-
leaders, as the pasture was one of
their favorite after-practice graz-
ing spots.
Jane Joe, cheerleading captain
and mother of Bobby Joe, said,
Im worried one of my girls might
choke on a lugnut or worse, take a
chunk out of a tire while theyre
eating. I mean, when youre hun-
gry, those things look mighty
tempting.
At the time of press no un-
fortunate incidents had occurred
between the schools cheerleaders
and the big trucks parked in the
eld.
It is believed that the truck
owners are being given special
treatment by the Parking oce
because they often heavily con-
tribute to the schools revenue by
Parking department erects garage in order to house big trucks
Photo by Alison Wanda Land/ Picture People
The U[sic]GA Parking Department is erecting a much bigger parking garage to allow ample space
for the large quantity of students that drive big monster trucks and park on the Athens campus.
the monster truck rallies that they
put on every year.
For these events Sanford Sta-
dium is converted into a large
monster truck rally show. e
show regularly sells out and al-
ways proves to be a favorite for the
Athens locals who often donate
their beater cars from their front
yards and to the competition for
the monster trucks to perform
their jumps over during the show.
Enforcement of underage drinking laws causes recession
By Dina Soars
Professional Beer Taster
Incredibly low test scores and
high pregnancy rates in the Ath-
ens area have left ocials for the
city searching for a solution.
Government ocials identied
underage drinking as the main
source of the problem, forcing po-
lice to nally take action in fully
enforcing the 21 and over drink-
ing age.
Police sprang into action by pa-
trolling every liquor store and fra-
ternity in town, as well as forcing
everyone over 21 to wear highly
monitored wristbands in order
to regulate drinking in fraternity
houses.
Unfortunately, a crackdown
on underage drinking laws has
caused a dramatic downturn in
the local Athens eonomy. Since
the crackdown, 1,000 jobs have
been cut, 500 small businesses
(mostly liquor stores) have gone
bankrupt and homeless rates
have increased tenfold.
We didnt realize how much
underage drinking was fueling
our economy, said Athens police
ocer Ophelia Pain.
It is pressumed that any other
town enforcing underage drink-
ing laws would not have had this
drastic result but, since Athens is
mostly a college town, this crack-
down started a huge economic
spiral downward that can only be
attributed to the fact that U[sic]
GA is a huge party school.
Economists say the recession
is not even close to being over in
Athens; in fact, it will continue
to get worse unless the drinking
age goes back to being mostly un-
enforced. e city had remained
mostly unaected by the recent
economic downturn that has
plagued the rest of the nation up
until the recent crackdown on the
drinking age in Athens.
Additionally, depression rates
among almost all of the underage
students have skyrocketed since
the crackdown.
We get hundreds of students
a day, who are feeling incredibly
lonely since most of their friends
were only party friends, and now
that they are forced to be sober
they dont have anything in com-
mon anymore, said U[sic]GA
psychiatrist Dr. Puma Pants.
Meanwhile, students and citi-
zens of Athens alike have taken
to the streets protesting this move
by the Athens Police Depart-
ment. Signs read from everything
to Give me alcohol or give me
death to Drinking makes us
happy.
e strong public outcry and
economic downturn has prompt-
ed police to reconsider their poli-
cies, but so far no changes have
been made.
e city has petitioned the
governor and alumnus, Sonny
Purdue, to declare the city in a
state of emergency.
Photo by Dick Burns/ Picture People
Hundreds of students protest the local police enforcing the 21 and over drinking age. The city of
Athens is experiencing very dicult economic times because of the lack of beer and liquor sales.
is space provided as a public service by the Technique.
To Hell
with
Georgia!
is space provided as a public service by the Technique.
To Hell
with
Georgia!
l0 - November 24, 2009 - Technique DRUNK LIFE
By Anita Hug
Oral Reporter
is fall the English and Jour-
nalism departments at the Univer-
sity [sic] of Georgia have noticed
an alarming trendstudents and
fans of the school seem to be re-
gressing in what is historically one
of their highest nationally rank-
ing majors: remedial spelling of
animal names. e most recent
spelling embarrassment for the
student body came in a Facebook
event page promoting fan atten-
dance for U[sic]GAs game against
the University of South Carolina
Gamecocks. e tagline read,
Come watch our Dawgs beat the
Cawcks.
Even Philadelphia Eagles back-
up quarterback and UGA fan,
Michael Vick found the tagline
spelling troubling.
ey really need to get their
spelling together, said Vick,
Other than that, I dont really see
any problem with it. It actually
sounded pretty good to me.
While it has long been a U[sic]
GA tradition to struggle in aca-
demic elds, a recent study shows
that U[sic]GA is seeing more and
more students who truly believe
the word dog is spelled d-a-w-
g.
But the truly concerning
problem is that students and fans
alike are starting to apply the
same incorrect spelling to other
everyday animals, said Professor
Drew Peacock, who was in charge
of study. Peacock has found it
particularly frustrating that an
increasing number of his own stu-
dents have begun misspelling his
own name on papers and tests.
On a number of occasions
this semester Ive had to reiterate
to my class. My name is Professor
DREW PEACOCK, not DREW
PEACAWCK, Peacock said.
According to the study, rough-
ly 72% of incoming freshman stu-
dents are having trouble spelling
elementary animal names. at
same statistic rises to 87% for
graduating seniors.
Another English Professor,
Mike Hawk, who teaches intro-
ductory animal spellings, has ex-
perienced similar problems in his
classroom as of late.
e name Mike Hawk is a
tricky one. Is it spelled H-O-K
or H-A-W-K? said Hugh Jass, a
rst-year Animal Spelling major.
U[sic]GA has been taking
some proactive steps in the mat-
ter. Along with providing animal
sound wheels (the kind that play
correct sounds and spellings of
animals) to students, the admin-
istration has taken steps to work
with the faculty to help correct
By Ima Jacket
Monkey Wrestler
Ian Azoo, third-year Animal
Relations, is nally home safely
after a two-week long manhunt
was brought to a close following
his surprising discovery in the ba-
boon pit of the Metropolitan At-
lanta Zoo.
Zoo ocials rst sighted the
naked man at 4 p.m. Friday,
about three hours after his fam-
ily reported him missing. Azoos
communication with other pri-
mates through grunts, barks, and
yells led keepers to label the hairy
Caucasian man as a rare albino
pygmy monkey and he was kept at
the zoo for two weeks before any
suspiscion was raised.
During his two week stay,
Azoo delighted and shocked visi-
tors with his antics, which ranged
from his frequent attempts to uri-
nate on zoo sta, to his penchant
for knocking zoo patrons uncon-
scious with coconuts.
I remember one time he
grabbed this little girls head and
ate her glasses, handler Jerry
Church fondly recalls. And then
he ate her gameboy too. ats
when I knew he was special.
Fellow keeper Joey Truth add-
ed is one time he escaped and
found the bottle of gin I hid in the
back of my oce. We later found
him attempting to mate with our
African Rhino, Becky. We actual-
ly thought we were viewing some
incredible zoology research by see-
ing a monkey attempting to mate
with a rhino, I guess it turns out
he was just really drunk. What a
riot.
Azoo is reportedly doing well
and is back home, but he is insis-
tent that he live outside. e Uni-
versity of Georgia has awarded
Azoo an honorary bachelors of
science in Animal Relations.
By Thomas Tank
Sexpert
e University Health Center
at U[sic]GA will now receive a
weekly order of 50,000 specially
designed and reinforced condoms
to prevent the alumni and student
body from reproducing.
e announcement is due to a
recent joint proposition by Geor-
gias Department of Community
Health, Education, Community
Aairs and Public Safety. e
Health Center is under state or-
ders to completely distribute all
condoms by the weeks end and
before new order arrives.
at means that all 50,000
special condoms must be distrib-
uted to the student body very
quickly.
is maneuver is mainly due
to a recent discovery by a group
of Tech graduate students who
undisputedly drew a direct re-
lationship between U[sic]GAs
numerous acts of unprotected
fornication and the decrease in
the states rate of employment, at-
tendance of higher education and
public safety in the past decade.
However, the research found
a postive correlation to the ris-
ing birth rate of bulldog babies
and the rise in smog (presumably
due to the increase in big trucks),
water pollution (presumably from
the rise in chicken farms) and
junkyards. e results were pre-
sented to the State Departments
listed above and direct measure
where put into action right away.
Athens revenues for the state
from its Universitys college tu-
ition are too great for us to simply
shut down the school all togeth-
er, said Willie Stroker, a repre-
sentative from the Department of
Community Aairs.
We collectively believe that
this is the best course of action
to prevent further reproduction,
which is the root of our problems,
while obtaining our ultimate
goals. Itll be a slow and painful
process but we believe it is for the
betterment of the state in the long
run, Stroker said.
Because of this rather drastic
measure, U[sic]GA will undergo
a series of alterations both on its
campus and in its sta composi-
tion in the upcoming semester.
A special sub-branch will now
be introduced to the Univer-
sity Health Center, named Dawg
Wrappers, solely for the purpose
of distributing the weekly order of
condoms to specic locations on
campus. Fraternities and sorori-
ties are the primary targets for the
condom allocation, with certain
dorms also added to the list.
Because of the large number
of condoms that will have to dis-
posed of weekly, a new system had
to be devised to make sure the de-
vices were properly disposed of.
As a result, Sanford Stadium
will be remodeled into a high-tech
State mandates special condom use to prevent reproducing
Animal spelling problems causes embarrassment to students
advanced structure dedicated to
disposing these condoms. U[sic]
GAs students will bring their used
condoms in at the end of the week
so the condom disposing com-
mitte can bury them deeply
under the campus grounds
using its high- tech con-
dom burying tech-
nology.
Not only
did we
a v o i d
h a v-
i n g
t o
r e -
move the
school al-
together but,
the proposed
plan even allows
for more employ-
ment opportunities as
both the Dawg Wrap-
pers and the newly remod-
eled Sanford Stadium require
more personnel to attend and
construct, respectively, said Tom
Katt, another representative from
the Department of Community
Aairs.
Its really a win-win situa-
tion, Katt said.
Due to the large quan-
tities of condoms needed
and the limited re-
source of materials,
the specially rein-
forced condoms
will have to
be modi-
ed from
a l r e a d y
e x i s t i ng
c o n d o ms
around the
State. It was unani-
mously decided by the
Department of Health
that these shortages would
be elded by shipments from less
dangerous target groups, like pris-
ons.
Student, confused with monkey, returned home
Photo by Anita Johnson/ Picture People
Ian Azoo has been returned to his home after he was mistaken for a rare albino pygmy monkey in
the Atlanta Zoo. Azoo stayed in a cage with the baboons for two weeks until he was spotted.
this problem.
Ive been putting a lot of pres-
sure on Professor Hawk lately.
Hopefully weve already hit the
climax of the problem and all of
our hard work and eort will pay
o, said English Department
Chair Payne N. Diaz.
If the problem is not correct-
ed within the next year they are
considering getting rid of reading
altogether becuase it is becoming
so much of a hassle to teach the
students to spell.
Photo by Hung Wang/ Picture People
The English and Journalism departments at U[sic]GA are experiencing a dicult time training their
students to correctly spell many animal names. The word dawg from dog is especially a problem
Partyin Times
entertainment@nique.net
Entertainment Editor:
Luke Atmadik
THWUGA
11
Tuesday,
November 24, 2009
By Hung Wang
Sexual Investigator
is year marked the celebra-
tion of Sesame Streets 40th anni-
versary, a celebration that Georgia
students took to the fullest. e
Photo illustration by Jimmy Dean/ Picture People
Sesame Street thrilled fans at U[sic]GA during their Nov. 21 performance located in the eld behind
the abandoned shed. Many life-long followers along with newfound fanatics were in attendance.
entire Sesame Street crew came
out for a special performance
at the abandoned eld, giving a
nearly sold-out performance.
I love Sesame Street, said one
of the fans, It taught me every-
thing I need to know about life,
like counting.
When asked if he brought his
family, the student replied after
much deep thought that all three
of his moms and dads were pres-
ent.
e performance featured spe-
cial guest stars, Elmo, Big Bird
and the Cookie Monster. e en-
tire crowd went wild with excite-
ment, from singing along to the
ABCs to thinking critically for
the much more intricate and com-
plicated word games presented
later, like Hangman.
While all students were excit-
ed, some were a little too excited.
Elmo for example, on high securi-
ty alert after receiving a due big
full of photos of him doctored in
with a local student as well as the
words LOVE ME emblazoned
on top with a red, runny sub-
stance that may or may not have
been blood.
Elmo pretty chill with fans.
But when Elmo sees bwood,
Elmo knows that certain lines
have been crossed, said Elmo.
Tears were shed as the perfor-
mance came to a close with many
students packing their bags as
they attempted to follow the tour
for what they referred to as the
hottest show of the season.
FUN THINGS
Sesame Street LIVE!
RUN DATES: Nov. 20-Dec. 25
DIRECTOR: Elmo
VENUE: Field behind the
abandoned shed
STARRING: Elmo, Big Bird,
Oscar the Grouch and Snuffy
OUR TAKE: !!!!!
Sesame Street performs for
die-hard students, fans go wild
Reality TV: U[sic]GA students overrun VH1 shows
By Luke Atmadik
Editor of Partyin Times
e premieres of the new-
est seasons of VH1s increasingly
popular Tool Academy and Rock of
Love are approaching quickly and
lming is underway.
Interestingly enough, we found
that U[sic]GAs football team
comprises the entire cast of Tool
Academy 3, and the cast of Rock
of Love: Trailer Trash is U[sic]GA
sorority Chi Chi Chi (XXX).
is season on Tool Acad-
emy, the contestants will be put
through a variety of relationship-
building challenges, including
confederate ag weaving, mud-
ding and keg stands. Rock of Love:
Trailer Trash will be comprised of
the Tri-Chis attempting to win
the heart of rock star Bret Mi-
Comedians refuse to
appear at U[sic]GA
By Ollie Tabooger
Taste Expert
e Entertainment committee
of the University Union program-
ming board has been experiencing
a great deal of diculty in secur-
ing comedians and other similar
acts for campus events for the up-
coming year.
U[sic]GA has been placed
on the black list of the National
Comedy Association (NCA),
which has prevented U[sic]GA
from booking any comedy acts to
perform on campus.
e NCA is a union of co-
medians from across the nation,
and includes the most popular
comedians that have appeared on
Comedy Central, MTV and other
various networks. All bookings
for major comedians go through
the NCA.
According to the NCA, the
reason for putting U[sic]GA on
the blacklist is due to the extra
work and eort required for co-
medians to perform at U[sic]GA.
is is something that weve
been considering for a long time.
Every time we have done a show
at U[sic]GA, we have to add on an
hour to the shows length in order
to explain the jokes. e humor
just seems to go over students
heads, said Blaine Cook, the
president of the NCA. Our co-
medians are passionate about tell-
ing jokes, not explaining them.
chaels by exposing skin.
We had the opportunity to sit
in on the lming for Tool Academy
3 and Rock of Love: Trailer Trash
and interview the some of the con-
testants.
Usually, our shows are script-
ed so that the tools only appear
to be huge tools and our Bret Mi-
chaels girls pretend to be in love
with him and be ditzy, but for this
season we will actually just be able
to lm them in their natural state.
Most of the football team already
torments their girlfriends and
our Tri-Chi girls would probably
try sleeping with anything that
breathes, so our job this season
will be much easier than in the
past, said Jason Cruz, casting di-
rector for both Tool Academy and
See Tool, page 13
Photo illustration by Lotsa Hicks/ Picture People
The National Comedy Association (NCA) has put U[sic]GA on their
black list for comedians having to explain jokes to the audience.
See Comedy, page 12
Photo illustration by Willy OToole/ Picture People
l2 - November 24, 2009 - Technique ENTERTAINMENT
Attn: Student Organizations
This space could be
your ad for only
$36
nique.net/ads
THWUGAMES
One of these
pictures is a square
and one is not.
Which one is the
square?
A
B
Part of this drawing has
been cleverly left out. Can
you guess the animal in
the incomplete picture?
Tic Tac Toe
Challenge
X X
X X
O
O
O
O
You are X. Can you nish the
puzzle to win?
1
1
2
1
2
1
2
Fill in the grid so
that every row and
column contains the
digits 1 through 2.
2
SUDOKU
Advanced Puzzle
Cut out the pieces and
see if you can gure out
how to put it together.
Good Luck!
Technique - November 24, 2009 - 13 ENTERTAINMENT
Rock of Love.
Filming the shows has been
somewhat of a challenge for the
upcoming season because some of
our contestants on the two shows
overlap. ere are a few girls who
are actually on both Rock of Love
and Tool Academy as a girlfriend,
so weve had to be careful not to
schedule lming for the shows on
the same day, said Bob Rayburn,
Executive Producer of Rock of
Love: Trailer Trash.
We were surprised at the high
caliber of contestants we found in
the football players. We told them
that they are going to be on a
show called Americas Best Football
Team. e funny thing is, they ac-
tually fell for it. And for some rea-
son after we broke the news that
the show is actually Tool Academy
3, they still seem to think theyre
here because theyre the best foot-
ball team, Cruz said.
Tool from page 11
Statistics compiled by the
NCA showed that during a typi-
cal comedy performance at U[sic]
GA, there is on average a ve min-
ute silence following each punch-
line before laughter commences.
e audience really makes the
performance. When the audience
is really thick-headed, the perfor-
mance just becomes a set of awk-
ward silences. I dont know if its
due to alcohol killing their brain
cells, but obviously U[sic]GA stu-
dents dont have enough to under-
stand a simple joke, Cook said.
Members of the programming
board have still expressed their
confusion regarding the entire
situation.
We still dont get it. Maybe
if someone could explain this to
us again in simple words, then
we could understand, said Jess
Dumbo, president of the pro-
gramming board.
We were shown a clip of the
rst episode when the team was
told that the show is actually Tool
Academy. Since the football team
is dating the cheerleading squad,
they thought that the arrival of
their girlfriends was all part of the
show Americas Best Football Team.
Tune in to these exciting new sea-
sons to nd out if the football
team ever gures out what show
they are lming and which one
of the Tri-Chis ends up with Bret
Michaels.
Comedy from page 11
By Ivanna Tinkle
Head of Bathroom Duty
is years U[sic]GAs Aestheti-
cally Based Scholarship Competi-
tion was rocked with controversy
when the judges didnt realize that
the wrong girl had been awarded
the crown.
e room was lled with mir-
rors, and I thought I was receiv-
ing the crown, sash and bouquet,
said Anita Knapp, a third-year
Cosmetology Engineering major
and the true winner of the com-
petition.
When I realized there was
no crown on my head, I looked
across the stage and saw a girl who
looked just like me wearing my
title.
e judges claim that they kept
track of the 50 girls in the pageant
based on whose hair was up and
whose hair was down.
All the contestants wore their
hair down during the swimsuit
portion of the competition so we
lost track of who was who, said
Dusty Rhodes, a graduate Female
Anatomy major and one of the
judges of the competition.
e Student Government As-
sociation (SGA) led an investiga-
tion on the physical homogeneity
of the U[sic]GAs female popula-
tion following this controversy.
We tried to interview wom-
en around campus about their
thoughts of this homogeneity,
said SGAs VP of Smartness Stu
Pidcow. However, we lost track
of how many girls wed inter-
viewed and later realized that we
had been interviewing the same
girl all day.
While scientic studies state
that occasionally physically iden-
tical appearance will occur in the
form of identical twins, 94% of
U[sic]GAs female population is
between 54 and 57, has blonde
hair, blue eyes and at least one
form of plastic surgery.
Several weeks after the pageant
controversy, SGA discovered an
underground network of makeup
artists and plastic surgeons that
train the U[sic]GA female popula-
tion several weeks before the be-
ginning of school.
is underground network was
initially installed to prepare wom-
en going through formal recruit-
ment. However, business con-
tinued when U[sic]GAs females
discovered how easy it became to
steal each others boyfriends when
they all practiced the same two-
hour hair and make-up ritual.
Wrong scholarship
winner given crown
By Angie OPlasty
Medical Expert
As a proud conservative and
adamant supporter of John Mc-
Cain and Sarah Palin during
the 2008 presidential elections, I
must say that I am thoroughly dis-
appointed with Palins new book,
Going Rogue.
e autobiography, with all its
hype, fell short of my expectations
and the expectations of thousands
of students who were looking for-
ward to a fun and exciting read
about an exciting woman.
I showed up to Barnes and No-
ble for the midnight release party
and participated in Palin trivia
and faming games for six hours
until I could get my book. Dur-
ing trivia, I was able to correctly
answer that Levi Johnston, Palins
granddaughter-daddy who posed
nude in Playgirl a few days ago,
actually has an eight-pack instead
of a six-pack.
I won a free copy of the book
for knowledge on Palin family
drama.
Once the book was in my
hand, I quickly ipped through
the pages and was dismayed to
nd a lack of colored pictures. My
eyes were greeted by pages and
pages of text, and I could feel my
eyes beginning to water and burn.
I began to feel dizzy and
slammed the book shut when I
was reminded by a fellow U[sic]
GA student that reading can
cause brain cancer.
Nevertheless, I decided to risk
cancer and read the book. Once
again, I was disappointed. From
the title, Going Rogue, I was led
to believe that a certain X-Men
character would grace the plot of
Palins life. Rogue, however, was
conspicuously absent from all 400
pages.
To all those thinking of buying
this book, save yourself from the
brain cancer you might get. Its
not worth it. I give this book two
paws down.
Palins Rogue too long, wordy
PEOPLE CAN READ?
Going Rogue
WRITER: Sarah Palin
PUBLISHER: HarperCollins
GENRE: Autobiography
PAGE COUNT: 432
RELEASED: Nov. 24, 2009
OUR TAKE: !!!!!
Photo illustration by Richard Long/ Picture People
Photo illustration by Booty Dew/ Picture People
l4 - November 24, 2009 - Technique SPORTS
Cox confused by
name-based humor
By Mike Sweeney
Comes through in the clutch
U[sic]GA fth-year senior
quarterback Joe Cox doesnt un-
derstand why people think his
name is so funny, people close to
the football player said.
He just doesnt get it when
we try to explain it to him, said
Coxs roommate and close friend,
Jack Ho. e joke is completely
over his head.
According to several of Coxs
friends and acquaintances, the
quarterback doesnt understand
why people laugh at his name.
When people bring it up, it
really seems to get him throbbing
mad, another source said. And
there is nothing worse than a red,
angry, Cox waving around in your
face, ready to blow.
Flint McGee, a third-year Turf
Management student, tried help-
ing Cox make the connection to
New ticketing policy empties stands
Photo by 1amle Howell / Student Publications
This Kennesaw State student, who was already confused about his per-
sonal identity, cannot attend Georgia games under the new ticket policy.
www.nique.net
to the guys studying awesome hard calculus and discussing how
they keep their roommate out of their room during sex by writ-
ing predicted end time on the door: NO ONE CARES. YOU
ARE NO PIMP!
4th Floor 8th St E. I am going to come over there and shove your
laser pointer up your @$$
professors dont give a damn about dead week
Ive seen this girl all over campus at random places, and I want to
know her, she is gorgeous!
I dont even know your name...
not all red heads at tech are ugly... open your eyes.
girl who asks stupid questions in social psych: i hate you.
To guy in red car: Sorry I pulled out in front of you on my bike.
I may have still been drunk from the night before and I may have
been late for a test.
THWG!!!!
Getting stoned means two completely dierent things depending
on what time period youre from.
Without me, everything is just aweso.
I dread locks.
GT Parking is an absolute joke. Im now paying to park at a meter
AND paying a ticket because you arent competent enough to
maintain your equipment. I now want to be a d-bag Alum just so
Why should the Board of Regents care about increasing student
fees? Bartering was still the major method of monitary transfer
when they were students...
Technique, you can do better than using failing logic and incor-
rect facts to insult SGA. Yes, there may be problems, but there are
much worse culprits of incompetence try housing or parking
or
NY Times Article Georgia Techs Bedford Makes Time for
Spread Option and DAlemberts Paradox
THE TECHNIQUE IS TECHNOLOGIC- J-LAW
TECH NEEDS CAMERAS!!!
we gotta start making classes easier or no one will want to come
here
By Uga Lee
Transfer student
Georgia fan attendance plum-
meted at last weekends football
game against Kentucky after a
ticketing snafu only allowed actu-
al U[sic]GA students and alumni
to attend the game.
It is believed that the U[sic]
GA athletic department was up-
set that, as a result of Georgias
poor performance on the eld this
season, thousands of seats went
unsold to U[sic]GA fans for the
Auburn game the week before and
were subsequently purchased by
Auburn fans.
e departments ticket master,
Cletus Hicks, believed it would be
better to allocate the tickets for
the Kentucky game to the people
that they knew would be real
Georgia fans.
Hicks instituted a new system
restricting entry to only students
with valid U[sic]GA ID cards or
alumni with valid Charmin-based
diplomas. In the process, he for-
got that the majority of game-day
seats are lled by people who nev-
er attended the university[sic].
I guess I just got so upset
about all them darn Tiger fans be-
ing around here and I thought to
myself, Cletus, why dont you just
give the tickets to you know who
will be real Dawg fans? I guess I
forgot that most of our fans didnt
actually graduate, Hicks said.
e stands in the designated
Georgia areas were near empty
with the exception of the stu-
dent section. However, many in
the student section could not be
counted as present because they
were not considered conscious.
Despite the lack of tickets to
the game, thousands of U[sic]GA
fans from other schools still came
and tailgated for their usual day-
long menagerie of mullet contests,
bobbing for pig feet and mother-
daughter Jell-O wrestling.
I was really upset when I
learned I couldnt get into the
game, said Billy Bob Busch, a
Kennesaw State University stu-
dent. I was basically forced to
tailgate here for about eight hours.
Well, on second thought I guess
thats about the same as what I do
already every game day.
After learning about the ticket-
ing problem, the football program
decided to oer complimentary
tickets to the snubbed fans for the
Toilet Bowl.
is event has taught us the
importance of our trusted fair-
weather fans, Hicks said.
As a result of the ticketing
problem the city of Athens expe-
rienced a drastic decrease in rev-
enue because of the lack of beer
sales in the area.
Beer sales, especially Keystone
Light sales, support the majority
of the citys functions. e lack in
revenue means that the city may
not be able to put on as many trac-
tor pull events this year.
no avail. I saw the look in his eyes
and I realized it was just beyond
him. ere was just no way it was
going to happen, McGee said.
e incidents have served as a
rm, pulsing reminder of the dan-
gers of humor around the func-
tionally illiterate.
Its gotten to the point now
where we wont talk about it, one
teammate said. If anyone brings
it to attention, we have to deal
with [Joe] Cox getting in our face.
I dont know what the team will
do if Cox explodes on us one more
time.
Another teammate added:
e sooner we move on, the
sooner we can get this behind us
and go back to playing football, or
at least tryin.
Phone calls and e-mails to Cox
were not returned, but friends
worry that his recent struggles
against mediocre competition will
result in even more jokes.
Photo by Harden Thlcke / Picture People
One of Joe Coxs few remaining fans shows support for the quarterback.
Cox himself was oblivious to the double-edged nature of the comment.
sliver
Technique - November 24, 2009 - 15 SPORTS
tween the turf and real grass.
Its such a problem just start-
ing that now we have to ocially
block o all entrances of the sta-
dium, Wieser said.
Its a good thing were not
playing any more games for the
rest of the year, because that eld
has some intense damage on it. It
Grazing from page l6
Tackling dummy drill leads to brawl, shuts down practice
By Chuck Myseck
Dummy-in-chief
U[sic]GA football head coach
Mark Richt and defensive coordi-
nator Willie Martinez had to stop
football practice last week after
several dozen defensive players
were injured in a common tack-
ling dummy drill.
e incident occurred after
Martinez had the rst- and sec-
ond-string defensive units line up
in front of the dummies.
I just told them to tackle the
dummies. Nothing really out of
the ordinary, Martinez said.
When the drill began, all of
the defensive players on the eld
simultaneously started tackling
each other. Some also ran across
the eld and tried to bring down
running backs conducting a sepa-
rate oensive drill.
We run this drill to help them
simulate a game. As soon as I blew
my whistle, they lunged towards
each other, Martinez said.
Many of the U[sic]GA players
explained that they were confused
by the instructions.
Everyone in the media kept
talking about how tackle dum-
mies would have done a better job
than we have, so I got scared at
facing the real talent. We have to
work our way to that level, said
junior nose tackle Imma Eatu.
Martinez watched from the top
of the sled as they each fruitlessly
attempted to wrestle each other to
the ground.
It was like watching animals
ght in the wild. ey ram each
other a lot but nothing really hap-
pens, Martinez said.
Martinez and Richt attempted
to rectify the situation the next
day by placing signs labeled HIT
ME on the dummies.
Unfortunately, the signs caused
even more confusion when the
players just stared while trying to
read the characters on the papers.
Martinez told the players to
sound it out and take it one let-
ter at a time, with little success.
e next day Richt replaced
the original signs with pictures of
their cousins. e players started
tackling and lunging toward the
dummies immediately.
Photo by Don Key / Picture People
Georgia defensive players cause chaos at a practice after misinterpreting the term tackling dummy. The
teams well-publicized inability to tackle properly led the team to believe Willie Martinez was mocking them.
wont be easy to repair.
ere have been eorts to calm
disgruntled fans and alumni who
are wary of the break from tradi-
tion in replacing the grass. Many
consider changing the surface to
be sacrilege.
e new turf will be painted
black. ere will also be free eye
protection kits handed out during
games and when we play Florida
again in Jacksonville. We will also
be placing pots of chocolate gold
around Sanford Stadium. Hope-
fully, the shiny and edible trinkets
will be able to distract them long
enough until the season is over,
Wieser said.
Ocials are having a dicult
time nding those responsible for
the eld damage. Weve tried
reprimanding the cheerleaders
responsible for the acts, but the
problem is that we cant seem to
tell any of them apart, said Ima
Doubledee, cheerleading coach
and director. Itll take at least two
years before were able to separate
who from who and gure out who
the real culprits are.
While the eld is being re-
placed, the doors leading to the
eld will still be chained and
locked starting Wednesday.
A decision on what to do with
the stadiums famous hedges has
not yet been issued.
Athletic department ocials
have expressed interest in replac-
ing the hedges with articial repli-
cas, concerned that the cheerlead-
ers would simply begin munching
on the hedges after the Astroturf
is installed.
Tailgatin
sportsQnlque.net
Sports Editor:
8ulldog Plck
THWUGA
l6
Tuesday,
November 24, 2009
U[sic]GA accepts bid to inaugural Toilet Bowl
By Paige Turner
The most interesting journalist[sic] in the world
After their home loss to Kentucky on Saturday
night, the U[sic]GA football team has accepted a bid
to play in the inaugural Roto Rooter Toilet Bowl.
e game will be played on Dec. 28, and U[sic]
GAs opponent has yet to be determined.
is is a great opportunity for Georgia football
to represent the SEC...Our season has gone down the
drain, but we can at least look forward to the Toilet
Bowl, U[sic]GA Head Coach Mark Richt said.
Even though the Bulldogs opponent has not yet
been determined at this point, Vegas already has list-
ed U[sic]GA as 23-point underdogs.
e game will basically be a home game for the
Bulldogs because the contest will be held in Sanford
Stadium. Georgia Athletic Director Damon Evans
said this was a big selling point for the Bulldogs.
Getting a bid for a home bowl game was denite-
ly a load o my shoulders, Evans said.
Just as the Orange Bowl is a symbol of the games
location of Miami, Fla., the Toilet Bowl signies the
widespread belief that Athens, Ga. is the worlds crap-
piest city.
e Toilet Bowl will be the last chance for U[sic]
GA fans to see their hero, senior quarterback Joe Cox,
take his last colligate snap.
Im just so ready to get this season over with, Cox
said.
Ive already got a job lined up after college at the
Arbys Law Firm, Cox continued. When told that
Arbys is a fast food restaurant and not a law rm,
Cox simply replied, No comment.
Evans hopes the revenue from this game can cover
a multitude of the football teams costs.
First and foremost, the prot from this game will
go to the rising costs of Richts vanity requirements.
Richt has a clause in his contract that forces UGA to
pay for his weekly spray-on tan. Also, the hardships
that Richt has faced this season have caused his hair
to start falling out, so he has chosen to get hair plugs
instead of showing his age.
Second, a portion of the remaining prots from the
game will pay for U-Haul moving trucks. Instead of
ring Assistant Coaches Mike Bobo and Willie Mar-
tinez face-to-face, Richt has decided to rent U-Haul
trucks and leave them outside the coaches homes.
Richt hopes that Martinez and Bobo will be so
happy to drive the moving trucks that they will not
be sad about being red and having to move.
ird, whatever money is left over from the previ-
ous costs will go to UGA students and alumni. Evans
is implementing a system that actually pays people to
attend UGA basketball games.
Sanford Stadium adopts Astroturf eld to prevent grazing
Photo by Tess Steckle / Picture People
In light of this seasons struggles, Georgia decided to cut its losses and accept an
early bid to the Roto Rooter Toilet Bowl. Their opponent remains to be determined.
Photo by Tlsh Hughes / Picture People
Bored cheerleaders chew on bits of the grass of the Sanford Stadium eld. In re-
sponse to damage to the grass, the school is implementing an Astroturf surface.
By Beau Vine
Not eating more chicken
Starting Wednesday, the
U[sic]GA Athletic Association
(AA) will be closing Sanford
Stadium in order to replace the
grass on the eld with turf.
According to Facilities Di-
rector Bud Wiser, the move
comes after Mondays post-
game facilities reviews showed
damage beyond repair on the
eld.
A further look into the
cause of the damage revealed
also that the damage was not
induced by natural causes
from football games; rather,
it was due to the problem of
overgrazing by the U[sic]GA
cheerleading squad.
Weve been having dif-
culties with our cheerleaders
getting hungry at halftime.
ey have to cheer so dawg-
gone hard to encourage our fan
base. Imagine trying to raise
enthusiasm for our football
team. Good grief, its probably
harder than nding a fairly of-
ciated game in the SEC, said
Michael Hunt, an athletic de-
partment ocial.
Weve tried discouraging
this behavior but apparently
they saw someone from e
Hills doing it so now they
wont listen to what anyone
says, Hunt said.
In response to the cases of
grazing, the U[sic]GA Spirit
Team is investigating into
various reasons as to why the
cheerleaders have begun to
graze the eld. Some Spirit
Team coordinators believe that
the grazing is due to depres-
sion-induced eating following
U[sic]GAs lackluster football
season.
Its just been so hard, and
we get so hungry out on the
eld for that long, and just to
watch it happen. I just want
to nd the nearest thing I can
eat and grass happens to be it!
said Candi Dooit, captain of
the cheerleading squad.
I dont blame the girls for
doing it! I blame it on myself!
Its just so hard to keep a strong
face when all you want to do
is stu grass in your mouth,
said trainer Bo Tocks.
Wieser believes that once
the grass is replaced and the
turf is put in, the cases of graz-
ing cheerleaders should de-
crease. However as of Monday
when facilities workers began
placing turf on the sidelines,
some workers had to shoo
away cheerleaders who were
gnawing unknowingly at the
newly placed turf.
According to witnesses on
hand, the cheerleaders could
barely tell the dierence be-
by
the
numbers
5
Number of games the football
team has lost this season. U[sic]GA
has lost to Oklahoma State, LSU,
Tennessee, Florida and Kentucky.
94
e number of penalties commit-
ted by the Bulldogs this season, put-
ting them at No. 4 in the nation.
26
Number of turnovers lost by the
Bulldogs this season, which has them
tied for No. 11 in the nation.
50
Jersey number of Kentucky line-
backer Sam Maxwell, who made the
game-winning interception on Sat-
urday.
2.5
Projected Nielsen rating for the
telecast of this seasons Roto Rooter
Toilet Bowl on Dec. 28, approxi-
mately the same as the ratings tradi-
tionally received by programs such as
Nickelodeons Spongebob Squarepants
See Grazing, page 15