74 Kallista Rd.
QUEENSLAND
BUSHWALKERS
CLUB Inc.
Newsletter
Girraween Cave In
Club News
QBW New Meeting Place For 2008
At the committee meeting on 27/11/07 it was decided to change
the meeting place of the monthly QBW Club meeting. The new
venue will be the Little Kings Hall at Buranda.
The Little Kings Hall is on the corner of Carl and O'Keefe Streets
with the entrance gate on Carl St. Our first meeting there will be
on the 5th of February 2008.
Club meetings will still be on the first Tuesday of the month and
at the same time (7.30PM) as before. The usual exception is
that there is no Club meeting in January.
The classroom at East Brisbane State School has become too
small and awkward for our Club's future. The Little Kings Hall is
not far away from our previous venue at East Brisbane State
School and was available for the first Tuesday of each month.
Litlle Kings is situated near the Princess Alexandra Hospital,
between Ipswich Road and the South East Freeway. The
Buranda Railway Station is nearby.
The Little Kings building has a large hall area with kitchen
facilities. We will be able to set up chairs and tables for the
meeting and then stack them up at the end. A toilet is available.
At present three other bushwalking organizations have their
meetings there. The Bushwalkers of Southern Queensland meet
on the 2nd Tuesday, FMR on the 3rd Tuesday and BWQ usually
on the 4th Thursday of the month.
There is some parking in the grounds with more parking in Carl
Street. Members are requested not to park under cover near the
door but to leave it free for Club volunteers such as the Supper
Convenor in case of rain.
The gates will be locked after the meeting.
Page 1 of 8
Rochedale South
QLD 4123
Email qldbwc@yahoo.com
Phone No (07) 3341 7509
www.geocities.com/qldbwc
December 2007
How to Get To Little Kings Hall
If coming via Ipswich Road turn into Cornwall St and then turn
into Carl St.
If coming from the south of Brisbane and travelling north along
the SE Freeway, take the Juliette St turnoff, turn left at the lights
and then turn right into King St. At the T junction turn right into
Cornwall St and then left into Carl St.
If travelling south along the SE Freeway, take the Cornwall St
turnoff and proceed to Juliette St. where you turn right. Turn
right into King St. At the T junction turn right into Cornwall St and
then left into Carl St.
All members with email addresses will be reminded in January
of the new venue. A street map will also be attached. Please
notify any member without an email address of the new venue.
First Aid Reimbursement
The committee has reaffirmed that the Club will reimburse half
the costs of a First Aid Course for any member who has led or is
willing to lead a walk.
We hope this will encourage members to become leaders. If you
are willing to lead a walk please contact our Outings Officer
Dave Rae on 3395 1838
New Training Officer
Our committee is now full with John Brunott taking on the
position as Training Officer.
John is a very experienced member and has plans for a variety
of events such as Navigation learning, Leader Training and First
Aid.
 General Information The Management Committee
Meeting Place President Helen McAllister 3844 8464 (H)
Club meetings are on the first Tuesday of the month starting at Vice President Gary Woodward 3245 2695 (H)
7.30PM. There is no Club meeting in January. Secretary Sandra Thomas 3711 4134 (H)
Meeting are held at the Little Kings Hall on the corner of Carl Treasurer Chris Breitenbach 3870 1948 (H)
and O'Keefe Streets, Buranda. Entry is via the gate on Carl St.
Outings Officer David Rae 3395 1838 (H)
There is parking within the grounds and in Carl and O'Keefe
Streets. Membership Officer John Hinton 3343 3724 (H)
Tea/Coffee and cake/biscuits are provided after the meeting. A Editor Richard Kolarski 3341 7509 (H)
coin donation would be appreciated. Social Secretary Linda Hellmuth 3899 5017 (H)
Membership Training Officer John Brunott 3209 6568 (H)
Before a visitor can go on a walk, he/she must be a Member
(Probationary or Ordinary) or be a member of an affiliated club. Other Voluntary Positions
Membership fee is $30.00 and lasts till the end of the Club’s Equipment Officer Trevor Davern 0411 512 202
financial year which is on the 30th of June each year. Supper Convenor Mary Sherlock 3209 8514 (H)
Probationary Membership BWQ Rep Ken Walters 3344 1927 (H)
A non-member automatically becomes a Probationary Member BWQ Rep Richard Kolarski 3341 7509 (H)
on his/her first walk after signing the waiver form. There is no
fee payable to become a Probationary Member.
Campsite Monitors
However a Probationary Member must become an Ordinary
Member on his/her 2nd walk by filling out a membership form and Barbara Makepeace Ratatat Hut
paying the membership fee. Mt Barney, Rum Jungle, Old Hut Site
(& satellites) and East Peak
Ordinary Membership Spicer’s/Double Top saddle
A person may become an Ordinary Member by filling out a Kerry de Clauzel Throakban, Barney Gorge and
membership form and handing the form to a committee member Lower Portals
or walk leader and paying the membership fee.
Richard Kolarski Running Creek Falls
An Ordinary Member has the right to vote at an AGM or be
elected to a committee position. A Probationary Member has Ann Kemp Spicers Peak
neither of these rights. John Brunott Ballows
Members of Another Bushwalking Club
Members of another bushwalking club affiliated with the Creature Feature
Queensland Federation of Bushwalking Clubs or another State
Federation are covered by the same Insurance as QBW. It is not
necessary for them to become a member of our Club to go on
our walks.

Equipment for Free Use By Members

Compasses EPIRBs GPS's Topo Maps

Emergency Sunmap
First Aid Kits UHF Radios
Lights CD’s

Contact David at 3395 1838 or david_r_rae@optusnet.com.au

Equipment for Hire

Abseil Gear Back Pack Carpet Snake
This Carpet Snake (Morelia spilota) was seen on the Warrie
Contact Trevor at 0411 512 202
Circuit.
There is a $5.00 charge for use of the Club rope and another
Carpet Snakes are pythons and are non-venomous. They are
$5.00 charge for use of harness and accessories.
active day and night. They have backwardly curved solid teeth
There is a $5.00 charge for hire of the back pack. but no hollow fangs. They kill their prey by constriction.
Habitat is widespread including rainforest, wet or dry eucalypt
Equipment for Sale forest, heathland, pasture and urban areas.
It mainly feeds on mammals and birds, and occasionally lizards.
Bivy Bags $3.00 each or 2 for $5.00
They locate warm-blooded prey by means of heat sensitive pits
These bivy bags are 2 metres by 0.9 metres and are bright
located along the lower jaw.
orange in colour. Use as a pack liner or emergency bivy bag.
Individuals differ in temperament. Some hiss loudly and strike
Club Polo Shirts $20.00 each
when approached, whereas others will allow themselves to be
S size left only.
handled. Although non-venomous, this snake can sometimes
Space Blankets $2.50 each. bite if provoked, especially a female protecting her nest.
Light weight and take up no room at all. A must for all walkers!
The bite can cause lacerations and tetanus protection is
Ring Patricia Kolarski on 3341 7509. recommended.

Page 2 of 8
 Coming Events
Tasman Peninsula and Maria Island Walks
East Coast of Tasmania January/February 2008
On the Tasman Peninsula there are a number of walks which
take in the 3 Capes. These walks are the Tasman Coastal walk,
Cape Pillar, Cape Raoul and Ships Stern Track.
The first two can be combined as a through walk of 3 -5 days
depending on where the start and ends are. Cape Raoul and the
Ships Stern are day walks accessible only by private transport.
Maria Island is to the east of Triabunna. It is a largely untouched
island of sandy beaches, rugged coastline, mountains, forest
and geology including the Painted Cliffs and the Fossil Cliffs
near Darlington.
A base camp can be setup at Darlington and then by using
mountain bikes or walking the length of the Island can be
explored.
Contact David Rae 33951838 if you are interested in the above
walks.
Larapinta Trail 19 July 2008 – 3 August 2008
Two weeks of walking the 223 kilometre Larapinta Trail. This
walking track runs from Alice Springs west to Mount Sonder
along the backbone of the West MacDonnell Ranges. It visits
the major tourist features like Simpsons Gap, Standley Chasm
and Ormiston Gorge as well as many other features along the
range.
The Trail takes in a variety of desert habitats as it meanders
through many gaps and sheltered gorges, climbs steeply over
the rugged ranges, and has numerous stunning views of the
spectacular landscape.
Contact Mary Sherlock Ph No 3209 8514 for more information.
Hinchinbrook Island, Thorsborne Trail T/W
19-26 July 2008
5 days walking South to North along the Thorsborne Trail.
For more information contact Patricia at the Club Meeting or
Phone 3341 7509.
For Sale
Macpac Nautilus tent $280.00
2 person, 2.6kg, double vestibule
Ring Linda 3899 5017
New Members
David Bird
As at 27/11/2007 we have 93 financial members
Comings and Goings
Lynn N, John M and Judy J have returned from their overseas
trip to Turkey.
Richard K has returned from Ethiopia after doing a trek in the
Simien Mountains. A walk to the highest peak in Ethiopia was a
highlight.
Esther D. is going to South America and do a trek in Patagonia.
From the Editor
I hope you enjoy this bumper December edition of the
Newsletter with its two pages of Jokes. Many thanks to those
who sent them in.
A reminder that there will be no Newsletter in January. The next
Newsletter will be available early February.
Page 3 of 8
Training Quiz
How to decide the best route from one point to another.
There are a number of factors to consider when deciding a route
by looking at a topographic map. Last month we had a look at
following ridges and creeks to get to a particular spot. Here are
some further things to consider.
It may be easier to go to a more prominent or more easily
locatable feature first and then head to the final destination. This
prominent feature could be a track, rocky outcrop, a saddle, a
peak or a creek junction near the desired destination. This also
makes the final navigation from the prominent feature to the end
destination easier as you know definitely where you are and the
direction to travel.
A useful hint especially if trying to find a car along a road is to
deliberately aim to the right or left of it. When you arrive at the
road, you will know definitely whether to turn left or right to get to
the car.
Marked tracks, fence lines, stream beds, ridges or other
prominent features which go in the general direction you wish to
travel may be easier to follow, ease any scrub bashing
especially in the case of tracks and make navigation simpler.
Progress in rainforest is notoriously slow. Visibility is limited and
the lack of views in rainforest makes navigation that much
harder. There may be rough undergrowth and progress can slow
down to one kilometre an hour. There may also be a tendency to
overestimate distance travelled due to the slow progress.
Overall, it may be better to follow the most direct compass route
rather than navigating feature to feature in rainforest.
If the route lies across several ravines or deep gullies, it is often
less tiring and quicker to detour above them. The best route
choice becomes a toss-up between the extra energy required to
climb high above the gullies and the difficulty in descending into
and out of the gullies.
You may contour round a small peak to avoid the height gain,
but walking on the slope of a hill can be tiring on the feet. It may
be better to just go up and over the small peak.
I hope you have found the above helpful.
This ends the Training Quiz.
Scroggin
Macquarie Dictionary: a mixture of dried fruits, nuts, etc., used
as a light but sustaining food by bushwalkers.
Ingredients:
Sultanas
Chocolate
Raisins
Orange peel (candied)
Glucose (barley sugars or the like)
Ginger (crystallized)
Imagination (anything you like)
Nuts (any kind, roasted is ok but not salted)
Instructions:
Mix together chocolate, raisins and nuts in about equal amounts,
add whatever extras you like (in lesser amounts) and nibble at it
when you need an energy boost on walks. You can leave out
things you don't like and add in things you do, e.g. jelly beans
and smarties. Some of the other extras sometimes added are:
dried apricots, dried apples, banana chips, sunflower seeds,
pumpkin seeds mints, lollies, jubes, snakes. Make sure you
keep a balance of chocolate, nuts and raisins in there though.
Otherwise you can't really call it scroggin.
Origin
It's a bushwalking tradition. Three dictionaries all say origin
uncertain. The "Oxford Dictionary of NZ English" gives the first
mention of it in the Tararua Tramper of 7 March 1940.
GORP is an alternative name standing for Good Old Raisins and
Peanuts. Another name is just plain trail mix.
 Past Walks
Paddy's Peak 15 August 2007
Nine of us met up in Beaudesert for this walk near Mt Barney.
Amongst the group were Fran who was visiting us from Victoria
plus a visitor from Sydney.
We drove down to Drynan's Hut and we all had a look at the
topographic map. I explained to everyone that this walk was a
bit of an exploratory because even though I had done parts of
this walk before, I was trying to find an easier way compared to
the routes I had taken before.
We started along the access road to Mt Barney NP and crossed
Mt Barney Creek which was just a trickle due to the drought.
Immediately after the crossing we headed up a ridge to the
south and on reaching it had views of Mt Barney Creek Gorge
and Mt Barney.
Our route now was to follow this ridge which should lead us to
Paddy's Peak. It was easy walking along the gentle sloping
ridge and the open forest gave us great views to the south.
After about an hour we had a rest for drinks and then continued
on following a faint track on the ridge. After walking through
some thick bush we came upon Paddy's Peak much sooner
than I had expected. This indeed was a much more straight
forward way to get to it.
Paddy's Crew
It was much too soon for lunch so we scrambled down a slope
to the east to get to a large dry waterfall. Along the way we
passed through a lovely forest of grass trees. We then
contoured round to get to a rocky outcrop on the other side of
the gully. From the top of this outcrop we had magnificent views
of Mt Barney and Mt Maroon. It was an ideal spot for lunch.
The next section was also an exploratory as we headed down
another slope to meet up with the forestry road to the north. This
also turned out to be an easy exercise and I was well pleased
that I had finally found an easy access route to Paddy's Peak.
Following the forestry road back to the cars we did a short
detour to have a look at another waterfall in Paddy's Gully. An
afternoon tea at Beaudesert finished the day nicely.
Many thanks to all who came along for this walk. Richard
Flinders Peak 18 August 2007
Nine of us met up at Yamanto near Ipswich for the short drive to
the Flinders Plum picnic area where our walk began.
The first part of the walk followed a broad open path but as we
progressed, the trail climbed some steep slopes and a rocky
ridge, where we stopped for a morning tea break.
While this is not a long walk, it is quite steep, so many in the
group took the opportunity for frequent rest stops while others
were keen to bound ahead. However, we helped each other to
scramble up a gravelly gully close to the top.
It took about 2 hours for everyone to reach the summit where we
were rewarded with spectacular views in all directions, and time
to relax over an early lunch.
Page 4 of 8
Flinders Peak
A wooden platform at the top was utilised for a bit of bush-
dancing practice for the upcoming pilgrimage!
The walk down was uneventful and quicker than the walk up.
Then it was back to Yamanto McCafe for coffee and cake and
an early arrival home. Thanks to all participants for a short but
pleasant day out. Helen M
Glass House Mtns – Tibrogargan 19 August 2007
The Glass House Mountains are west of the old highway
between the townships of Beerburrum and Beerwah, about one
hours’ drive north of Brisbane.
We met at the Mt Tibrogargan carpark which is off Barrs Road.
The day was a little overcast but perfect for a walk!! Everyone
was early and eager to go. Started our walk by going down
Trachyte circuit which is approx 5.8 km return from the carpark.
The track is through open woodland and heath between Mt
Tibrogargan and Mt Tibberoowuccum.
We had good views from the Jack Ferris lookout. Walking along
the track was pleasant. However, a few stray motorcyclists spoilt
the serenity. The walking tracks are certainly not for motorbikes.
Back at the picnic area we settled down for a break and snacks.
Also an opportunity to check out the skies overhead. It was
decided that we would carry on regardless.
We backtracked up the hill to do the Tibrogargan circuit and
shortly after we had a spot of rain which hurried us along. The
track leads around the base of Mt Tibrogargan through
casuarinas groves, open eucalypt and melaleuca forests.
As we came down back towards the carpark the heavens
opened up again – so quickly back to the cars.
Coffee anyone? Great – off to the Wander Inn which is located
near the Glass House Mountains lookout. Under new
management again – a warm welcome.
Thank you for joining us. See YOU on the next walk.
Bob & Danuta
Mt Greville 25 August 2007
Finally the real thing! After all the preparatory walks I had done,
the Pilgrimage had arrived and I had nine people from various
clubs doing the walk. One of them was from New Zealand who
had seen the Pilgrimage web site and had decided to come over
and check us out!
It had rained heavily for a few days prior to the Pilgrimage and
so the route decided was to go up the ridge and come down
Palm Gorge. Going up Waterfall Gorge was in my opinion too
risky as it would have increased the amount of walking on
slippery rocks plus there was a steep exposed section where we
may have needed to use a rope.
Arriving at the car park at Mt Maroon we were surprised to see a
large group of walkers about to start. It turned out that they were
a group of American students doing a short stint in Australia and
this walk was part of their studies.
My group began the ascent of the ridge while the students took
the Palm Gorge route up. The day was overcast and as we
gained height we could see rain squalls in the distance. The
summit of Mt Maroon in the distance was shrouded in cloud and
we wondered how that walk was going. Fortunately it did not
rain on my parade today.
We had morning tea about half way up and we could see the
students just above us also having their morning tea, having just
emerged from Palm Gorge.
At the summit we had a long rest at the lookout as we named
the various mountains in the Main Range and surrounds. It was
still too early for lunch so we descended to Palm Gorge.
Palm Gorge
The Gorge was again spectacular and we had several stops to
take photos. We had lunch about half way down just after one of
my walkers had a fall. Luckily he wasn't injured badly, just a bit
sore. After lunch it was a straightforward walk out to the cars
and return to Kalbar showgrounds for a well earned coffee and
hot shower.
Thank you to all who came on my walk. Richard
Gwyala Peak 1 September 2007
Having never been up Gwyala Peak this was always going to be
an exploratory. I had heard from others that there was a large
amount of scunge going to the peak but I needed to check it out
for myself.
Seven of us met early at Gil's place before setting out to Cleared
Ridge, the start of the walk. Luckily we had 2 4WD's to take us
up there as the road was dirt, bumpy and steep in places.
We set off along the road and in about an hour we were at Mt
Barney Creek just above the Upper Portals. After crossing it we
looked around and found a faint track leading uphill on Gwyala
Peak.
The initial walking was a steady uphill climb, not difficult but
there were a few trees fallen over and we had to scramble round
them. No sign of the scunge yet. However I had two new people
on the walk and they found the going awkward with the steady
climbing and the heat. The going was slow with frequent stops.
Page 5 of 8
After about an hour of walking uphill and checking with the GPS
it was evident that we would run out of time to reach the summit.
After conferring with the others we decided to turn back and do
an alternate walk.
In the end this turned out to be a good decision as Steve's boot
threw a sole. Patricia had some duct tape to keep it together but
this would not have lasted long in rough terrain.
Not Gwyala Peak!
Back at Mt Barney Creek we went to the Upper Portals. The
water was crystal clear and the rapids a beautiful sight. Here we
had a long lunch and just enjoyed the moment.
Though we did not get to the summit of Gwyala Peak, or
anywhere near it, I had a better idea on how to proceed next
time. Though I may have failed this time, I lived to fight the
scunge another day.
Many thanks to all who came along. Richard
Burnett Creek Exploratory 15 September 2007
I had not been up into the Burnett Creek area since Easter 1995
and that time I’d come in from the Burnett Creek Road so I
thought it might be interesting to come in from New South
Wales. There were only five of us on the walk and all being good
off track walkers we were going to be in for a very good day.
I had looked at the map and noted a good ridge going down into
the creek from the border so I thought that might be a good
access point. To get there we had to take the drive down the
Lindesay Highway to Woodenbong and turn off onto the
Lindesay Creek Road.
We parked at the locked gate of the rabbit fence service road
and walked the 4 Km. up the road to the Junction, which is
about half way between Mt. Clunie and Mt. Ballow and the point
where the border rabbit fence cuts across N.S.W. to Mt.
Lindesay. This is a bit of a pain as the road is neither steep nor
rough and it would have been good if we could have driven up it.
From this point we followed the border tick fence for about 1 Km.
towards Mt. Ballow to a knoll which was the start of the ridge
leading into Burnett Creek. After a short break to recover from
the heat after walking up the road we started down the fairly
broad ridge which eventually splits into two distinctive ridges. I
decided to take the right hand ridge which brought us down into
the creek nearer to Burnett Creek Gorge which was our
destination.
There was a fair bit of scratchy regrowth and lantana near the
top of the ridge due to past logging which slowed our progress
and we came to some unexpected steep terrain and after a bit of
navigational adjustment were soon back on track. We took our
morning tea break on the top of a knoll after which we
commenced the final steep descent into the creek.
Tagging the entry point in case we had to come out the same
way we headed up the creek and after a little while started
entering into the gorge which is quite spectacular. This appears
to be caused by the creek cutting through a layer of sandstone
with large boulders embedded. It would be interesting to know
the geological origins of this area.
On a bend in the creek where the water flow had cut a large
rock overhang we could go no further because of a deep
waterhole and waterfall blocking progress into the gorge proper
so we stopped for lunch.
After lunch we returned down the creek where John Brunott
nearly lost a delicate part of his reproductive anatomy as he had
made a rash bet on how far we were from the entry markers I
had placed earlier. All I can say is he was lucky we didn’t shake
on it. We decided to continue down the creek to the next major
creek junction where we could take a shot ridge back up to the
border rabbit fence. Although the map showed this junction was
only about 1 Km. down the creek it seemed to take a hell of a
long time to reach it even though we seemed we were making
good progress.
We eventually reached the junction and made the steep climb
out back to the rabbit fence though the last 150 metres or so
were through some very thick vine scrub which slowed progress
to a tedious rate. From there it was just a long walk back to the
cars. Thanks to all those who came on the walk and it was good
to see Bob Hammelswang going so well on the walk after his
serious accident and injury earlier in the year. David Kenrick
Girraween B/C 20-23 September 2007
The majority of our little band of adventurers was from QBW
with two friends from the Gold Coast Bushwalkers Club. Some
came early and set up camp on the Thursday.
Friday’s outing included a drive from the Castle Rock
campgrounds to the south via Wallangarra and then on to Bald
Rock. The walk started with a quick ascent of Bald Rock. From
here we observed a number of bush fires well into NSW and
heading in an easterly direction. From here we travelled south to
South Bald Rock. We explored rock structures to the south of
the main feature.
Girraween
Mindful of the time, we commenced our return journey along the
dirt road. For a considerable distance our view to the east was
blocked by granite outcrops. We suddenly noticed a large pall of
smoke rising above the rocks from the east. We then had
concerns to return to the vehicle as quickly as possible to
ensure that we were not cut off by spreading bushfires.
However, the breeze was only slight, unlike the day before when
there were 60 knot winds.
Upon our return to the camp grounds we welcomed the new
arrivals during the evening.
Page 6 of 8
Saturday was the highlight. Our first port of call was Mt Norman.
There we explored various rock structures and then climbed to
the top for a commanding view.
From Mt Norman we went off track to Mallee Ridge and
explored the magnificent panorama leading to the entrance of
the ‘Valley of the Winds’.
I can not help but wonder how it got its name. Being so close to
the border had it been a conduit to transmit hot or cold
atmosphere between the states. From a base perspective I think
it more likely that it might relate to happy bands of bushwalkers
who might pass through after having had a delicious breakfast of
baked beans. Either way it is a place that can take your breath
away.
Following this we navigated through a bit of roughage across the
creek line and onto the next ridge. Some added excitement
came with the company of an electrical storm and some hail. We
enjoyed the brief benefit of an accommodating cave before
moving on when if fined up. After a brief visit to the ‘Shark Fin’
rock complex we moved through the features to the north and
met up with the track for a comfortable walk home to camp.
Sunday provided a nice easy outing to Sphinx and Turtle Rock.
At Turtle we explored the cave and surrounding structures. We
then climbed to the top of Turtle for a good look see.
I would like to thank everybody who came along as it is because
of their involvement that made it as special as it was. It can be
best summed up from a thank you note from one of our friends
at the coast, “Wonderful times with people that are so friendly
and helpful”. Trevor D
Mt Cougal 29 September 2007
Just four of us gathered at Logan Hyperdome for this walk on a
very warm September day. From here it was a fairly long drive
down the Pacific Motorway, up the Currumbin Valley, over
Tomewin Mountain and along the road to the "Garden of Eden"
where our walk began.
Navigation was easy, as all we had to do was follow the border
fence, but the path varied greatly depending on whose land we
were on. Early on we crawled through a tunnel in the lantana,
then spread out across a wide cleared road, then carefully
avoided the barbed wire along a narrow path through the
rainforest beside the fence. Any time we stopped, the mozzies
descended on us in droves, but they didn't seem to be the biting
kind.
The path became steeper after we entered the National Park,
and eventually the fence stopped at a small cliff close to the
summit, where we veered off to contour around the mountain
and scramble up some steep rocky sections to reach the east
peak.
The Cougals
It was probably a good thing we only had a small group, as the
summit is quite small with not a lot of shade to shelter under on
a hot day, but the views were quite spectacular.
We returned to the car the same way we had come along the
fence, and retreated to the courtyard of the Crystal Cottage for
coffee and scones with jam and cream. A special thanks goes to
John Morris for driving all the way. Helen
 DISCLAIMER
By viewing the content of Jokes in the QBW Newsletter, you
accept the exclusion of warranty. Please read the following text
very carefully, and in any case of doubt, take a green pill and
contact your psychiatrist immediately.
Jokes is distributed in the hope that it will be funny, but
WITHOUT ANY WARRANTY, either expressed or implied,
including, but not limited to, the implied warranty of FITNESS
FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE. Because the author of Jokes
is a mentally challenged humour freak, Jokes may have
malformed content, including, but not limited to, bad humor,
incorrect information, not funny jokes, sarcasm, horrible errors, a
script that cracks your glasses or other device you use for
reading. The entire risk as to the quality of Jokes is with you.
Should Jokes prove defective, you assume the cost of all
necessary medication, doctor's visits or mental hospital.
In no event will the author of Jokes be liable to you for damages,
including any general, special, incidental or consequential
damages arising out of the reading or inability to read Jokes
(including, but not limited to, the end of the world, the crash of
your computer or somebody getting hit by a truck), even if the
author has been advised of the possibility of not funny humor
and incorrect data in Jokes.
You have been warned!
Jokes
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife
dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and
you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and
ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the
top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff
or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in
the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
chardonnay."
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my
GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn
them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to
STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER
listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to
salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the
salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it
feels like when I'm driving."
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right,
and the other is a husband.
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path
How do you get holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
Dam!
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroid's.
Page 7 of 8
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quattro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the dog.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other, and
says "Does this taste funny to you?"
Buddha walks into a pizza joint and says, "Make me one with
everything." The cashier replies "That'll be $9.50". Buddha
hands him a ten dollar note but doesn't get any change. He
asks, "Where's my change?" and the cashier replies, "Change
must come from within".
Did you hear about the guy who had to quit his job at the orange
juice factory? He wasn't able to concentrate.
A boat carrying blue paint and a boat carrying red paint collided
in the middle of the ocean. What happened to the crew? They
were marooned.
Patient: Doctor, I can’t stop singing ‘Delilah’ and ‘The Green
Green Grass of Home’. What is wrong with me?
Doctor: I believe you have what is known as the Tom Jones Syn-
drome.
Patient: The Tom Jones Syndrome? My God, is that rare?
Doctor: It’s not unusual.
Two cows are standing in a pasture. The first cow says, "Have
you heard about this new mad cow disease?" The second cow
says, "I don't care, I'm a helicopter!"
A termite walks into a bar and says, (Is the bar tender here?”
I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
Ambivalent? Well yes and no....
Seen it all. Done it all. Can’t remember most of it.
Be nice to your kids...They pick your nursing home.
He's not dead. He’s electroencephalographically challenged.
A lady who goes camping with a man must beware of evil intent.
A man who wants a pretty nurse must be patient.
A man who keeps his feet firmly on the ground has trouble
putting on his pants.
A man who runs behind a bus will get exhausted.
A man who leaps off a cliff is jumping to a conclusion.
A wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage
counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife "what's the problem?"
She responds " My husband suffers from bad breath."
The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"
The husband replies "Well no, not exactly. She suffers, not me."
 Disorder in the Court
These are things people actually said in court, word for word,
taken down and published by court reporters.
Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that
you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
Page 8 of 8
Actual Medical Chart Notes
Just to prove that doctors can be just as dumb as lawyers, these
are things doctors actually wrote down.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better and then on the third, it
disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
The patient refuses autopsy.
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient has left white cells at another hospital.
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only a 40 pound weight gain in the last three days.
She is numb from her toes down.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
I saw your patient today who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
Skin: somewhat pale but pleasant.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in
1993.
Computer Viruses
Titanic virus Makes your whole computer go down.
Disney virus Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
Mike Tyson virus Quits after one byte.
Prozac virus Messes up your RAM but your processor doesn't
care.
Woody Allen virus Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a
daughter card.
X-files virus All your Icons start shapeshifting.
Spice Girl virus Has no real function, but makes a pretty
desktop.
Ronald Reagan virus Saves your data, but forgets where it is
stored.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus Searches your hard drive for old files
and deletes them.
Martha Stewart virus Takes all your files, sorts them by
category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on
your desktop.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus Terminates and stays resident.
It'll be back.
Viagra virus Expands your hard drive, while putting too much
pressure on your zip drive.
Greeting Cards Rejected By Hallmark:
"Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help
but wonder:...What was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day!...Too bad no one likes
your wife."
"I've always wanted to have someone to love...After having met
you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...I never believed
in Hell until I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...That you're not
here to ruin it for me."
"You look great for your age...Almost lifelike"
"I'm so miserable without you...It's almost like you're here."