Going to Un-die a Virgin. Four house mates; one is a neckbeard, unemployed, on the internet all day.

It's Friday morning, three are leaving for work; the last guy to leave is corralled by the elderly neighbor lady, Mrs Habersham: she bears a pie covered in a red checked cloth. They converse, she gives him the pie, he promises to mow her lawn tomorrow morning. ROOMMATE I'm leaving. DONT EAT THE PIE! You should shower or something. AND

We see neckbeard redditing; he only responds with NECK hrmmmm hurrrmm

Cut to 6 pm, Neck, on the couch eating the last bite of pie with his hands from the pie tin as Roommate comes home; pie juice everywhere. ROOMMATE NECK YOU ATE THE FUCKING PIE. ONE THING! hrrrrrrrrmm?

(watching movie on sticky tablet) I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!

ROOMMATE:

Cut to outside, we can hear him screaming the threat: dogs bark, a guy watering his lawn looks, elderly neighbor lady goes tsk. Other roomies come home, are apprised, a consensus is reached. ROOMIES Were getting you out of the house tomorrow. Cut to Other Roommate finishing Habersham's lawn. They force Neck into the car to go with them for an afternoon hike. Neck brings his camera for potential nature porn karma. They hike past an old cabin, Neck is exhausted, he pauses, NECK: Hey, isnt that the devil worshipers cabin? ROOMMATE(Sardonic) Yeah! In the 90's! Aka the last time your were outside! Let's see, what else have you missed? ... oh yeah!

ROOMMATE (CONT.) Jesus Jones charted in 91 with their smash Right Here, Right Now. They've been relatively quiet since, however. Oh, and now the Satan worshipers' cabin is used by white trash to smoke meth and impregnate their sisters and/or daughters! Come on. NECK Wait I want to get some pics, they like pics of creepy old abandoned stuff. ROOMMATE No! OTHER ROOMMATE Look, he came, just humor him. Besides if we continue at this pace he'll probably just drop dead Neck goes inside, used condoms, needles, faded red pentagrams, red paint splashed around. He starts documenting everything: a desk with old, yellowed paper, the satanic stuff painted on the walls, etc. He turns to leave but notices a patch of flooring in the corner that's off-color... hmm... He goes over and takes pictures of it, he sees a glint through the floor boards in one of the shots, he prises up the boards and there's a floor safe... he's stoked, he takes countless pictures of the combo safe. It's locked of course. He's happy, and turns to leave; as he's walking back to the others, he's scrolling through his pictures and he notices one of the yellowed pieces of paper on the desk shows five numbers with dashes... he turns to go back inside, the roomies yell ROOMMATES CMON! WHAT THE FUCK!

He ignores them. They plot revenge: they decide to creep up to the house and scare him. They yell to him that they're going on ahead and he can catch up. NECK Hrrmmm. They sneak, one in the front two around back. Meanwhile Neck's got the paper and is trying the combo: it works! He pulls out various ritualistic items, a chalice, sacrificial knife etc. The others creep in, they see him in the corner and are giving each other hand signs. Neck pulls a boxed vial out of the safe, he removes the vial: it's glowing green. He imprudently uncorks it to have a sniff as they jump out to terrify him. He starts wildly and we see a single drop from the tumbling vial go right into his mouth and right down his throat before the vial itself

falls and drains away between the floor boards. Neck falls and stiffens instantly, then convulses several times, kicking the floor safe closed, and then finally stiffens like a board. Cut to the Roommates trotting down the trail carrying their rigid friend, they are in a panic. Cut to the car: Neck's loaded in , rigid, pale, eyes wide open. Theyre driving to hospital; they try to check his pulse, he's cold. They decide he's dead. They are panicked, they don't have a plausible story to tell the police and anyway they are technically to blame. Gradually, rigid neckbeard begins to become less rigid and eventually he's sitting somewhat normally in his seat, he makes little noises like his usual grunts: hrmm hmm. They decide to skip the hospital and take him home. OTHER OTHER ROOMMATE Maybe he'll get better.

They put him on the couch and he sits, wiggling his fingers, making hrrm huuurmm noises incessantly. They debate. Finally Roommate loses his temper and yells at Neck, telling him to stop the "hrmm hurrmmm". He won't stop. They notice his fingers are making vague typing motions. Other Roommate puts a key board in his lap. Neck types and quiets for a bit but it doesn't satisfy him for long. Soon, hrmmm hrrmm hrrrrrrr mmmmhmm. They decide to put him in the computer chair and turn on the screen. It works for a bit and then hrrrmmm mmmrmm hrmrm. Desperate, they try to log him on. No one knows his password. ROOMMATE Just make him an account! What name?

OTHER ROOMMATE Ok! ROOMMATE

No one cares!

Other Roommate gives him the name I_AM_A_ZOMBIE. They log him in and he starts going through threads and commenting "Hhhrrrrmmm hhhurrrmm". He stops making noise. They go to sleep. Next morning he's still commenting in threads. They talk about what to do. Should they just try to get rid of him and tell the cops he got lost on the hike? Roommate likes this idea. The other two dont.

OTHER OTHER ROOMMATE

Maybe he'll get better!

Neck types all day and all night. They shrug and go to work on Monday. When they come home he's making the noise again. He's shambling around the house. It looks like he's been shambling for hours: stuff is knocked over. They argue and fight, assigning blame. Neck bumps a lamp and Other Roommate directs Neck to the treadmill and there he shambles; he's still making noise, but now he's not knocking things over. They try to sleep. They can't, they sit in the living room like zombies as Neck puts the treadmill through the paces and hrrms. Roommate looks at Necks comp. He sees the reddit account I_AM_A_ZOMBIE has forty thousand karma, thousands of p.m.s and bitcoin tips out the ass. The novelty account is wildly popular. They decide to make a youtube video of him walking on the treadmill going hrrrmmm for ten hours. They set up the camera and try to sleep. Next morning he's still on the treadmill. They leave for work. When they come home he's still there, still moaning. They have ten hours of him on the treadmill, walking with just enough variation to his shambling gait and "hrmmm"s so that it clearly isn't looped. They upload it to Youtube under "I_AM_A_ZOMBIE shambles for ten hours" and try to rest. Next morning the video has 100k views. Suddenly they're in business: they call in sick. They schedule an AMA to announce a series of video staring I_AM_A_ZOMBIE shambling in various places for ten hours: the mall, Six Flags, Walmart. Trouble: two of Necks fingers fall off and he can't type properly. All he types is uuuuuuhhhh huuuuuuhhhh The AMA has a lot of interest. They try to fake his replies. Somehow reddit knows: fake as shit, Where the fuck is IAAZ? MODS?! The boys are forced to explain that IAAZ had an accident, a few fingers fell off. They swear to rectify it if reddit gives them one hour. reddit loves this! Interest grows in the AMA! In desperation, the boys draw straws to see who will sew them back on. Other Other Roommate loses and sews them back on (retching the whole time). It works! Good as new! Neck types: huuurrmm. reddit : haha shit yeah, omfg you guys actually did it! etc. The AMA is a smash, the zombie-handling house mates are

even minor celebrities. The next day, they blow off work and spend ten hours at a monster truck rally filming IAAZ shambling. Some times he shambles with determination towards people and they have to turn him. They get home and upload it: next day, massive success. They take vacation days and make a new shambling video every day. More and more interest! Friday rolls around, they somehow sleep in, they stumble downstairs to find a scene like the pie eating scene, except IAAZ is sitting on the couch just finishing up dear Mrs Habersham's brain, eating it out of her skull with his hands, person juice everywhere. The pie sits on the table next to her, bloodied but untouched. They fret and panic; Roommate happens to check the views of Thursday's IAAZ : "Shamblin in the hood" : 40 million views. Clear moral dilemma. They spend all day bumbling around cleaning the house and hiding the corpse. IAAZ is getting p.m.s from Kelly Ripas producers, Chelsea Handlers producers, invites from various cam-whores to perform with them etc. It's getting nuts. It's hard to get him to shamble around after eating Mrs Habersham's brain. They let him spend the weekend quietly typing. More money rolls in; demands for a new video. By Monday IAAZ is restless again, and they start making more videos. The views for each surpasses the previous one. IAAZ: Shambling at the cemetery passes 100 million views. After Thursday's ten hours of shambling, IAAZ appears listless and weak, he wont shamble or type. He moans incessantly. His arms fall off. They sew them back on. They realize finally that he must be dying of hunger. They hatch a sinister plan. Friday night they take him up to the white trash party cabin/ex satanic hideout. Things are falling off on the way: an ear, thumbs; Other Other Roommate sews on the fly. They get there and turn him loose on the trash inside while holding the doors. It works, IAAZ acquires a few gunshot wounds, but he doesn't seem to mind: he feasts on the young couple's brains. He is rejuvenated, appendages stop falling off, he types contentedly for a few days then shambles obediently for a few more. Everything is amazing, Youtube checks, 150 million views per video, general internet love. IAAZ gets a twitter account and starts "bantering" with celeb.s. He pisses-off Rihanna somehow. A twitter war ensues between

Rihanna and IAAZ. Rihanna's fans are somewhat torn, but for the most part they are finally forced to admit to themselves that Rihanna is insane. Her follower numbers plummet. IAAZ is a god. Friday rolls around and the police show up at the door. They question the boys about the missing Mrs Habersham. COP Your neighbor say'd she brings you pies every week and you mow her lawn. ROOMMATE Oh yes, she's a lovely old sweetheart! COP Her lawn looks un-mowed, did she bring you a pie last Friday? ROOMMATE ... Yes! It was wonderful; we were going to mow her lawn but we've been incredibly busy the past few weeks. from inside "hrrrrrrrm" COP Oh shit, I thought I recognized you! You're the zombie guys! Can I get a picture with him for my kids? They love him! ROOMMATE Sure, officer!

Cut to photo of the smiling cop with his hoverhand around IAAZ and vice versa. IAAZ appears to be about to lick the cop's temple. Cut to IAAZ's hover hand falling off. snatches it up before the cop sees. Other Other Roommate

COP Ok well, her family is very worried, if you see or hear anything let us know. ROOMMATE Sure thing officer, anything for a fan! COP Oh and one last thing, what flavor was the pie? ROOMMATE ... Ch-cherry? Cop makes note COP Great, thanks! Keep up the good work! Love you guys!

When the cop leaves they haul ass up to the cabin. crumbling: Other Other Roommate sews like mad. ROOMMATE Might have to make this bi-weekly.

IAAZ is

IAAZ slaughters the couple fucking inside and eats their brains. Whoops: they brought their young daughter. She witnesses everything and is crying/hiding. IAAZ sees her finally but he burps: he is full. She recognizes him. She hugs an IAAZ doll tight to her IAAZ-t-shirted chest. GIRL I want a real live I AM A ZOMBIE, mommy!

She looks over at mommy: evacuated skull and drooping eyes. She forgot for a moment that mommy is dead. She sees IAAZ tugging at the safe handle, fruitlessly. The boys enter and she hides. They drag IAAZ away from the safe and head home. We see the little girl running away from the cabin. Cut to the boys and IAAZ in a paddy wagon. COP It was blueberry.

The paddy wagon pulls away. Cut to the little girl back at the cabin, she has found the piece of paper and unlocked the safe. Inside we see hundreds of boxes like the one holding the first green vial. She starts loading them into her IAAZ backpack. Right Here Right Now - Jesus Jones plays "I saw the decade end, when it seemed the world could change at the blink of an eye and if anything then there's your sign of the times I WAS ALIVE AND I WAITED, WAITED... as fade out.