(AP) Fairbanks, Alaska April 26, 2012 Jaans Kilaenskad, Correspondent, Sub-Arctic Bureau

LOCAL SCIENTIST GOES WITH THE FLOE

Spring has come to the Interior of Alaska once again, and Troy M. Sauve, a selfproclaimed scientist from Fairbanks is attempting to float an ice floe all the way to the Bering Sea from the Chena River in Fairbanks, a seemingly impossible 1200-mile trek.

(l. to r., Alaska State Trooper, J.P. Jones, Troy M. Sauve, Jimmy Black, Scott Looansch)

Although details are sketchy, it appears Sauve started his journey at the Cushman Street Bridge in downtown Fairbanks at noon Saturday. By 6 pm he was approached by Alaska State Trooper JP Jones, who was traveling North on a Ski Doo, on an unrelated matter.

According to AST logs, the duo stopped at the Pump House Saloon for a nature break and were joined by Black and Loonasch. While laughing hysterically Trooper Jones admitted Sauve wasnt messing around, and that, he had plenty of beer and brats, and that, the only thing missing was a live musician, Jones further stated that even though his, (Sauves) , intentions or destination were not clear, the guy sure knew how to throw a party on a frozen piece of ice. After traveling several more miles downstream it appears an argument insued over the proper cooking of Bratwurst, and Loonasch, a native of Germany was asked to leave the floe. He was left in the wilderness and his whereabouts are not known. AST Jones reported, Loonasch was left with plenty of beer, brats, and other provisions, and was expected to be picked up by riverboat as soon as the weather permitted. The trio continued downstream for several hours as the ice floe continued to melt. Just before arriving at the confluence of the Tanana and Yukon Rivers, Trooper Jones received a dispatch requesting his return to the Fairbanks area. Black, realizing this adventure was ridiculous, elected to return along with Trooper Jones on the back of the Ski Doo to Fairbanks, leaving Sauve alone on his venture downriver. Local natives from the village of Rampart reported seeing Sauve around midnight. Village elder Sam John said it appeared the ice floe had melted away completely. However, John said Sauve seemed to be in great spirits as he rode the cooler downstream, presumably still filled with beer, while clutching a bratwurst in his left hand, and singing in a language unknown to the natives of this Athabascan village, some 300 miles downstream from Fairbanks. Some witnesses say it sounded like the polka, while others said he was singing about a stolen keishka. It is still not known what a keishka is or why he may have been singing about it, but it was confirmed that the BBQ grill and the small inflatable raft were missing. AP correspondent, Eli Fritzgerald spoke with the village elder by satellite phone Tuesday night and asked if it was unusual to see a white man riding a cooler down the mighty Yukon River. No, but it seems every year some stupid white man tries this, he said, while scratching his head. I guess they dont realize the Bering Sea is still several days journey beyond our village. Most of the time they run out of beer before making it this far downriver, so, I will give him (Sauve) credit for being prepared. Once again, the native population along the Yukon River are amazed, white men are truly crazy, they never bring enough beer for the entire journey.

With almost 900 miles to the Bering Sea, John was asked what he thought of the chances of Sauve reaching his destination. None!, he proclaimed, but the girls in the villages along the way have already heard of this perilous journey and are preparing for another spring wedding, he said. The banks of the Yukon are littered with coolers from many white men who make this ridiculous trek each spring and Sauve is not the first, and maybe not the last, but it appears my cousins cousin may finally get a husband. Alaska State Troopers are still trying to determine what a keishka is and who may have stolen it, while the native girls are keeping a sharp eye out for any other white men riding a cooler down the river. As to the whereabouts of Sauve, trooper spokesman Megan Dietrich simply said, Who the fuck knows? This guy is either a true dumb ass or looking forward to a native bride. We hear so many reports like this, we dont even use our resources to find out the truth anymore, because, quite simply, we just dont want to know. AST is in the process of contacting Sauves family and details will be published as more information becomes available.