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[edit]

Space Pilot 3000

Fry: Space, it seems to go on and on forever. But then you get to the end and a gorilla starts throwing barrels at you. Fry: It's the future! My parents, my coworkers, my girlfriend. I'll never see any of them again! [pause] Wahooo! Fry: I'll be whatever I wanna do! Leela: [to Fry] Well at least here you'll be treated with dignity. Now strip naked and get on the probulator. [Fry and Leela meet] Fry: Can I ask you a question? Leela: As long as it's not about my eye. Fry: Uhh... Leela: Is it about my eye? Fry: Sort of. Leela: [sighs] Just ask the question. Fry: What's with the eye? Leela: I'm an alien, all right? Now let's change the subject. Fry: [excited] Cool, an alien. Has your race taken over the Earth? Leela: No, I just work here. Leela: [to Smitty] This is officer 1B-DI, requesting backup. Smitty (with URL standing next to him, both standing behind Leela): We'll be there in five minutes. Fry: Whoaa real live robot; or is that some kind of cheesy New Year's costume?

Bender: Bite my shiny metal ass. Fry: It doesn't look so shiny to me. Bender: Shinier than yours, meatbag. Bender: I worked as a bending robot. I could bend a girder to any angle. 30 degrees, 32 degrees, you name it. 31... Fry:This is awesome! Are we gonna fly through space fighting monsters and teaching alien women to love? Professor Farnsworth: If by that you mean transporting cargo, then yes! Professor Farnsworth: It just so happens that I need a new crew. Fry: What happened to your old crew? Professor Farnsworth: Oh those poor sons of b but that's not important, the important thing is that I need a new crew.

Fry: I'm never gonna get used to the 31st century. Caffeinated bacon? Baconated grapefruit? Admiral Crunch? Leela: Well, if you don't like that, try some Archduke Chocula. Fry: I used to dream about being an astronaut. I just never had the grades. Or the physical endurance. Plus I threw up a lot and nobody liked spending a week with me. Leela: A week would be a bit much. Leela: Look, I don't know about any of your previous captains, but I intend to do as little dying as possible. Leela: Fry, we have a crate to deliver. Fry: Well, let's just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it. Bender: Too much work. Let's burn it and say we dumped it in the sewer. Leela: OK, if everyone's finished being stupid Fry: I had more, but you go ahead. [ Amy attempts repeatedly to retrieve keys out of the crane-pick-up machine] Bender: Come on! It is just like making love. Down 40 degrees, turn to the left, engage rotor... Amy: I know how to make love.

Leela: If the oxygen holds out, we might live long enough to starve to death. Bender: Fine. I'll go build my own lunar lander! With blackjack! And hookers! In fact, forget the lunar lander and the blackjack! Ah, screw the whole thing. [On hearing Fry and Leela came from the Lunar Park] Lunar Farmer: Oh, that's a wicked sinful place. Tilt-a-whirl's okay, but the rest is mighty wicked.

Bender: [murmuring in his sleep] Kill all humans, kill all humans, must kill all Fry: Bender, wake up! Bender: I was having the most wonderful dream. I think you were in it. Fry: Say, uh, where's your bathroom. Bender: What-room? Fry: Bathroom.

Bender: Bath-what? Fry: Bathroom! Bender: What-what? Fry: Never mind. Bender: [murmuring in his sleep] Hey, sexy mama...wanna kill all humans? Farnsworth: (on phone) Oh, how awful. Did he at least die painlessly? To shreds, you say. Well, how is his wife holding up? To shreds, you say. Bender: Of all the friends I've hadyou're the first. Bender: Beneath that warm, fuzzy exterior beats the cold, mechanical heart of a robot. Bender: I don't know. I've got a lot of great memories of my old place. [He opens his chest cavity and presses a button.] Bender: And now they're gone! Fry: OK, I give up. What's the catch? Salesman: Oh. No catch. Although we are technically in New Jersey [Later, back at Planet Express] Fry: Not even one place remotely livable. Fry: Hey, Professor, great jerky! Farnsworth: My God, this is an outrage! I was going to eat that mummy!

Zapp Brannigan: Captain's journal. Stardate ... uh ... Kif: April thirteenth. Zapp Brannigan: April thirteenthpoint two. We have failed to uphold Brannigan's Law. However, I did make it with a hot alien babe. And in the end, is that not what man has dreamt of since first he looked up at the stars? [pause] Kif, I'm asking you a question!

Zapp Brannigan: You see, Killbots have a preset kill limit. Knowing their weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them, until they reached their limit and shut down. Zapp Brannigan: Brannigan's Law is like Brannigan's love - hard and fast. Zapp Brannigan: What troubles you, Leela? Whatever it is, I'm willing to send wave after wave of my own men to aid you. Isn't that right, men?! [Silence, puncuated by lone voice from crowd "You suck!"] Zapp Brannigan: I like your style. I find it very... [wispers] erotic. Leela: What? Zapp Brannigan: [Shouts and echoes through out ship] EROTIC! Zapp Brannigan: Kif, I have made it with a woman. Inform the men. Kif: Shall I fire on them now, sir? Zapp Brannigan: Not yet, Kif. In the game of chess, you can never let your adversary see your pieces. Leela: Look, last night was a mistake. Zapp Brannigan: A sexy mistake. Leela: No, the regular kind. Leela: They say Zapp Brannigan single-handedly saved the Octilian system from a horde of rampaging killbots. Fry: Wow... Bender: A grim day for robot-kind. Ah, but we can always build more killbots. Leela: I don't care how many eyes a guy has. As long as it's less than 5. Zapp Brannigan: As my protg, you should know that the only way to deal with a female adversary is to seduce her.

[Kif sighs.] Zapp Brannigan: This time we are sure she's a woman, right? Kif: [exasperated] Yes! Zapp Brannigan: Have the boy lay out my formal shorts. Kif: The boy sir? Zapp Brannigan: You, you lay out my formal shorts. Robot #1: Administer the test. Robot #2: Which of the following would you most prefer? A: a puppy, B: a pretty flower from your sweety, or C: a large properly formatted data file? Robot #1: Choose! Fry: Uh, is the puppy mechanical in any way? Robot #2: No, it is the bad kind of puppy. Leela: Then we'll go with that data file! Robot #2: Correct! Robot #1: The flower would also have been acceptable. Bender: Death to humans! Fry: Aww, it's good to hear his voice. [Fry, disguised as a robot, is urinating behind a dustbin] Robot: Sir, are you aware that you're leaking coolant at an alarming rate? Let me to patch you up with some hot resin. Fry: Er, I think the leak's stopping itself. Wait... Wait... Yeah, there we go. Wait... Yeah! Robot: What kind of robot turns down a free blast of searing hot resin? Leela: Er, my colleague and I have to go perform some mindless repetitive tasks. Robot: Oh-ho, sounds like a romantic evening! I won't keep you. Fry: We're rescuing ya. Bender: I don't want to be rescued.

Fry: Say what? Bender: I love this planet! I've got wealth, fame, and access to the depths of sleaze that those things bring. Bender: You humans think that robots are just machines made to make people's lives easier. Fry: Well aren't they? Bender: I've never made anyone's lives easier and you know it! Robot Elder: Silence! I concur. Fry: So you're telling me they broadcast commercials into people's dreams? Leela: Of course. Fry: But, how is that possible? Professor Farnsworth: It's very simple. The ad gets into your brain just like this liquid gets into this egg. [He shows an egg and injects it with liquid from a syringe until the egg explodes.] Professor Farnsworth: Although, in reality, it's not liquid, but gamma radiation. Professor Farnsworth: They say madness runs in our family. Some even call me mad! And why? Because I dared to dream ... of my own race of atomic monsters! Atomic supermen with octagonal-shaped bodies that suck blood out of ... [walks out of room, mumbling] Amy: Guh! It's Mom, the world's most huggable industrialist. [Fry is sitting in the dark, alone, listening to Sir Mix-a-lot's 'Baby Got Back'.] Leela: Fry, you can't just sit here in the dark listening to classical music. Fry: I could if you hadn't turned on the light and shut off my stereo. Fry (bidding at an auction for a can of anchovies) : One jillion dollars.

[Everyone gasps.] Auctioneer: Sir, that's not a number. [Everyone gasps.] Mom: Now I'm off to some charity BS for knocked up teenage sluts.

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My Three Suns
Fry: That's the saltiest thing I've ever eaten ... and I once ate a big heaping bowl of salt! Bender: Oh, come on! That food was fine! The salt content was 10% less than a lethal dose! Zoidberg: Uh oh. I shouldn't have had seconds. Leela: Uh, Professor, are we even allowed in the Forbidden Zone? Professor Farnsworth: Why, of course! It's just a name, like the Death Zone or the Zone of No Return. All the Zones have names like that in the Galaxy of Terror. Leela: This is my first visit to the Galaxy of Terror and I'd like it to be a pleasant one. Telephone voice: Collect call from... Bender: I'm not giving my name to a machine! Leela: I'll accept. Dr. Zoidberg: Why don't I use a centrifuge to separate the higness' denser liquid? Fry: Won't that crush my bones? Dr. Zoidberg: Oh, right. The bones. It's always with the bones. Fry: It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came, and the

grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns and also he got a racecar. Is any of this getting through to you? Fry: What the hell is that? Emperor Bunt: It's the Juice-O-Matic 4000. It'll strain my juices from you while filtering out the pulp. By which I mean, your shredded remains. Dr. Zoidberg: Of course! Why didn't I think of that? Fry: This can't be happening! Bender: It can and, for all you know, it is. Bender: I'll make you cry, buddy. You're a pimple on society's ass and you'll never amount to anything! Fry: What do you mean? I was emperor of a whole planet! Bender: Good point but here's a disturbing reminder - Everyone you knew or loved in the 20th century is dead! Fry: [nonchalantly] These things happen. Bender: Ok, Fry. Grab a Kleenex for this one, 'cause there's no God and your idiotic human ideals are laughable! Hahahahahah... Fry: Whew! That's a load off my mind. Bender: Damn. I guess its harder than I thought to make someone cry. Amy: You did your best, Bender. Bender: Up yours, bimbo! [Amy starts crying.] Zoidberg: Let's face it, we're in hot butter here. We might as well look for help. Bender: Cram it, lobster! [Zoidberg starts crying.]

Morbo: In lighter news, the city of New New York is doomed. Blame rests with known human professor Hubert Farnsworth and his tiny, inferior brain. Professor Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. Tomorrow you'll be making a delivery to Ebola 9, the virus planet. Hermes: Why can't they go today? Professor Farnsworth: Because tonight's a special night, and I want all of you to be alive.

Professor Farnsworth: I was inventing things when you were barely turning senile! Professor Farnsworth: I daresay that Fry has discovered the smelliest object in the known universe! Bender: Ooh, name it after me! Video Narrator: New York City: The year 2000. The most wasteful society in the history of the galaxy and it was running out of places to empty its neverending output of garbage. The landfills were full. New Jersey was full. [Fry is looking through the garbage] Fry: A Mister Spock collectors plate! [gasps loudly] Some Bart Simpson dolls! [Bender picks up a doll and pulls the string at the back] Bart doll: Eat my shorts. Bender: Okay. [swallows the shorts] Mmm, shorts... [After watching an online movie on the solution to the garbage problem in New York.] Fry: Wow. In my day, the only reason people went on the Internet was pornography. Professor Farnsworth: Actually, that's still the case. [In the movie] Female Scientist: Now that the, uh, garbage ball is in space, Doctor, perhaps you'd like to help me with my sexual inhibitions? Male Scientist: With gusto. Mayor Poopenmeyer: I now award you with the Academy Prize, which was confiscated from Dr. Wernstrom after it became apparent that he was a jackass.

Bender: Hey, what kinda party is this? There's no booze and only one hooker. Bender: Hey! Do I preach to you when you're lying stoned in the gutter? No! So beat it! Fry: Who was that guy? Bender: Your Mamma! Now shut up and drag me to work!

[Fry, Leela and Bender are at a Beastie Boys' concert] Leela: They are laying down mad beats with 80% accuracy. Bender: I believe that qualifies as "ill"at least from a technical standpoint. Fry: Would you guys shut up? I'm trying to look cool! [Bender has aimed the ship at a large electrical storm.] Bender: Come on universe, you big, mostly-empty wuss! Gimme all the juice you got! Bender: Surely you're not going to eat before we say robot grace. [praying] In the name of all that is good and logical, we give thanks for the chemical energy we are about to absorb. To quote the prophet Jerimatic, 1000101010101...[time passes]...001011001... 2. Amen. Leela: Who would have thought Hell would really exist? And that it would be in New Jersey? Fry: Actually Robot Devil: If you lose you only get a smaller silver fiddle, and I guess I'll kill one of you [He points at Fry.] Robot Devil: him. [Fry gasps.] Leela: We'll do it. [Fry gasps.] Fry: Do you know how to play the fiddle? Leela: No. But I used to play the drums in high school, they're sorta similar. Professor Farnsworth: Oh, great news, everyone. Bender: Shove it! We quit! Professor Farnsworth: In that case I'll have to hire a new crew to go on our company vacation.

Leela: Vacation? Bender: Alright! Fry: This is great! I haven't had time off since I was 21 through 24! iZac: You gonna pay for those? Bender: Hell no. Bender: You guys go on without me! I'm going to go... look for more stuff to steal! Fry: You're going back for the Countess, aren't you? Bender: Oh, all right, I am. But if anything happens to me, tell them I was robbing some dead guy! Fry: I'll tell them you went down prying the wedding ring from his cold, dead fingers. Bender: I love you, buddy! Leela: Oh, godNot Zapp Brannigan. Dr. Zoidberg: You know Zapp Brannigan? Leela: Let's just say we crossed paths Bender: Was that before or after you slept with him? Countess de la Roca: Bender, I don't care whether you have money. I love you for your artificial intelligence and your sincerity simulator. Kif: Captain, may I have a word with you? Zapp Brannigan: No! Kif: It's an emergency, sir. Zapp Brannigan: Come back when it's a catastrophe! [The ship shakes violently] Zapp Brannigan: Oh, very well. Kif: Do you remember that "course correction" you made, sir? Zapp Brannigan: No.

Kif: Well it's proving somewhat more suicidal than we initially hoped. Leela: Oh my god! We're heading straight into a black hole! Fry: Talk about a mood killer. Zapp Brannigan: Don't blame yourself, Kif. We were doomed from the start. Nothing remains now but for the captain to go down with his ship. Kif: Why that's surprisingly noble of you, sir. Zapp Brannigan: No. It's noble of you, Kif! As of now, you're in command. Fry: Don't worry Bender. Nobody really knows what happens inside a black hole. For all we know she could be alive in some other dimension, right professor? Professor Farnsworth: Oh, sure... (to Dr. Zoidberg) not a chance. [Draws finger across throat] Countess de LaRoca: Bender, you risked your life to save me! Bender: And I'd do it again! And perhaps a third time! But that would be it. "KNOWLEDGE BRINGS FEAR." Motto of Mars University Fry: Back in the 20th century we had no idea there was a university on Mars. Professor Farnsworth: Well, in those days Mars was a dreary uninhabitable wasteland much like Utah; but unlike Utah, Mars was eventually made livable. Leela:Don't take this the wrong way, Fry, but you don't seem like the educated type. Fry: Oh, yeah? Read it and weep. I'm a certified college dropout. Leela:Please! Everyone knows 20th century colleges were basically expensive daycare centres. Fry: I'm going to enroll here at Mars University and drop out all over again!

Leela: You won't last two weeks! Fry: Aw, thanks for believing in me. Fatbot: I heard that in one single night, you drank a whole keg, streaked across campus and crammed 58 humans into a phone booth. Bender: Yeah, well, a lot of them were children. Dean Vernon: Whenever a fire alarm is pulled, it's Robot House. Whenever the campus liquor store is looted, Robot House. Every time a human corpse is desecrated Bender: -uh, I can explain thatDean Vernon: That's enough out of you! From this day forth, Robot House is on dodeca-tuple secret probation! [The robots gasp] Bender: No fair! Fatbot: My mom is gonna kill me. Dean Vernon: Now, if you'll excuse me, I must return to the one thing that's kept me sane these past eight years. My model ship. [Vernon notices that the ship is gone and is getting eaten by Fatbot] Gearshift: Fatbot! No! Fatbot: When I get nervous, I get hungry. [Dean Vernon gets angry] Bender: Cheese-it! [Cut to the robots running out] Dean Vernon: [inside] ROBOT HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUSE!!! Professor Farnsworth: Oh, I always feared he might run off like this. Why, why, why didn't I break his legs? [Prof. Farnsworth and Fry are trying to help Gunther choose between his IQexpanding hat and a regular life as a monkey.] Professor Farnsworth: Come on, Gunther. Take the hat!

Fry: No, the banana. The banana! Professor Farnsworth: Consider the philosophical and metaphysical ramifications of the Fry: Banana, banana, banana! Professor Farnsworth: But what about your super intelligence? Monkey: When I had that, it was too much pressure to use it. All I want out of life is to be a monkey of moderate intelligence who wears a suit. Thats why I've decided to transfer to business school. Professor Farnsworth: Noooooooo! Gearshift: Hey, Bender, you sure this is a shortcut? Bender: Not as sure as I was an hour ago! Dean Vernon (repeated line): ROBOT HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUSE!!!!!!! Dean Vernon: And the winner is...ROBOT HOOOOOOOOOOOOOUSE?!! [edit]

When Aliens Attack

Zapp Brannigan: [Watching the Space Armada under his command losing the battle terribly.]: Stop exploding, you cowards! Zapp Brannigan: When I'm in command, every mission's a suicide mission! Zapp Brannigan: Call me cocky, but if there's an alien out there I can't kill I haven't met him and killed him yet. But I can't go in alone. That's why I'm ordering every available ship to report for duty. Anyone without a ship should secure a weapon and fire wildly into the air. Zapp Brannigan: If we can hit that bull's-eye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cardsCheckmate!

Zapp Brannigan: We're all from different cultures here. Some of you are white, and some of you are black. (To Indian man) You're brown. [to Bender] And you're silver. But I don't care if your skin's red, or tan, or Chinese. You're all going to have to learn to die together. Zapp Brannigan: The key to victory is discipline, and that means a well made bed. You will practice until you can make your bed in your sleep. Fry: You mean while I'm sleeping in it? Zapp Brannigan: You won't have time for sleeping soldier, not with all the bed making you'll be doing. Zapp Brannigan: Good work everyone; the mothership is destroyed. [The real mothership reveals itself.] Zapp Brannigan: What the hell is that thing? Kif: It appears to be the mothership Zapp Brannigan: Then what did we just blow up? Kif: [checks one of the instruments] The Hubble Telescope. Amy Wong: There aren't any copies left... Professor Farnsworth: No, there wouldn't be... most video-tapes from that era were damaged in 2443, during the second coming of Jesus.

Fry: This is nothing. Back in high school I used to drink 100 cans of cola per week. Yep, right up till my third heart attack. Professor Farnsworth: Who are those horrible orange creatures over there? Glermo: Why, those are the Grunka-Lunkas! They work here in the Slurm factory. Professor Farnsworth: Tell them I hate them. Fry: Uh, could I have some Slurm please? Glermo: No food or drink allowed on the tour. You'll have to wait until you're partying with Slurms McKenzie. Fry: When will that be? Glermo: Soon enough.

Fry: That's not soon enough! Glermo: Hey, I didn't pay you to sing. You just used up today's bathroom break! Grunka Lunka: Hardass. Glermo: I heard that. Leela: Hey, what's behind that door? Glermo: Nothing. Leela: Is it the secret ingredient? Grunka Lunkas: Grunka Lunka dunkity dingredient, you should not ask about the secret ingredient. Bender: Okay, okay! We get the point! Leela: I was just curious because of the armed guards... Grunka Lunkas: Grunka Lunka dunkity darmed guards Bender: SHUT THE HELL UP! Fry: Fine! I'll let go and swim around in the Slurm and drink as much as I want. Hehehe. [Fry falls into the Slurm.] Fry: Help! I can't swim! Leela: Bender, why did you jump in? Bender: Everybody was doing it. I just wanted to be popular. Fry: My God! What if the secret ingredientis people!? Leela: No, there's already a soda like that. Soylent Cola. Fry: Oh. How is it? Leela: It varies from person to person. Glermo: There will be no further questions! Fry: Why?

Fry: All this prolonged exposure to radiation is making me thirsty.

Fry: Hey, what are these rings in Nibbler's fang? Vet: Hmm. I'm still a little woozy from a gazelle kick this morning, but if he's anything like the common tree, the rings might indicate his age. Fry: Heheh, yeah, well. Good luck. It'd take some kind of genius to count all those rings. Vet (looks at tooth for a moment): He's 5. Leela: How would you feel if I flushed Fry down the toliet? Bender: Only one way to find out... Leela: There's no such thing as mutants. That's a ridiculous urban myth. Professor Farnsworth: Oh, don't be so sure. Many scientists believe humans really could mutate down there, due to exposure to toxic waste, and radioactive runoff, and good old American feces! Fry: God bless America! Dwayne: Don't worry. We're harmless! Raoul: I have three arms! Dwayne: I said "harmless." Not "armless." Vyolet: Lay off him! You know he's only got one ear!

Bender: You guys realize you live in a sewer, right? Dwayne: Perhaps, but perhaps your civilization is merely the sewer of an even greater society above you! Leela: No. We're on the top. Fry: Daylight and everything. Mutant: It must be wonderful. Bender: Meh. Bender: Hey, I got a busted ass here, I don't see anyone kissing it. Zoidberg: Alright, I'm coming. Fry: [screams] Leela: What? Fry: I burnt my finger. [Bender, Fry, and Zapp have broken the hover-dolly.] Leela: What the hell happened here? Bender: There was some breaking, the dolly was involved, that's all we know. Zapp Brannigan: What makes a man turn neutral? Lust for gold? Power? Or were you just born with a heart full of neutrality? Zapp Brannigan: I hate these filthy neutrals, Kif! With enemies, you know where they stand, but with neutralswho knows. It sickens me. Zapp Brannigan: Throw her in THE BRIG. Fry: We don't have a brig. Zapp Brannigan: Then throw her in the laundry room, which will hereafter be referred to as THE BRIG. Neutral Emperor: If I don't make it, tell my wife "Hello".

Zapp Brannigan: Back in my old uniform, and it nearly still fits. Even after all that fattening hobo cuisine. Kif: What shall I do with your civilian clothes, sir? Zapp Brannigan: Take them to the laundry brig. Hyperchicken: Your Honor, I'm just a simple hyper-chicken from a backwoods asteroid but if it please the court I reckon I'll call the entire jury. Zapp Brannigan: One day a man has everything. The next day he blows up a 400 billion dollar space station. And the next day he has nothing. It makes you think. Kif: No, it doesn't. Zapp Brannigan: My friends! You can take away a man's title and his uniform but you can never take away his integrity or his honor. Plus it was mostly Kif's fault. Fry: First we'll fly towards them like [makes flying sounds]. Then we'll gun them like [makes shooting sounds]. Then we'll celebrate and eat pancakes and I'll be like [makes eating sounds] Zapp Brannigan: All I need from a crew is their complete loyalty. If I had that then they could drink beer in their underpants for all I care. Bender: Beer!? Fry: Underpants!? Neutral Emperor: All I know is my gut says "maybe". Amy: Only weirdos and mutants join third parties. Zoidberg: Really, uh...I'd better keep a look out during the next meeting... Zoidberg: Sure, humans are cute, but how else will we test cosmetics? Hermes(with brain slug): I concur.

Fry:(seeing apathy party) Now this is the party for me! Sign me up! Apathy Member: Sorry, not with that attitude. Fry:Alright, screw it... Apathy Member: (cheering) Welcome aboard Brother! Fry: Alright!!! Apathy Member: You're out... Morbo: Morbo congratulates our gargantuan cyborg president. May death come quickly to his enemies! Bender: Game's over, losers! I have all the money! Compare your lives to mine and then kill yourselves! Richard Nixon's Head: Hello Morbo, how's the family? Morbo: Belligerent and numerous. Richard Nixon's Head: Good man. Nixon's pro-war and pro-family. Fry: Why would Nixon stay at the Watergate? Leela: They give you a discount if you've been here before. Bender: Ah, yes! John Quincy Adding Machine. He struck a chord with the voters when he pledged not to go on a killing spree. Professor Farnsworth: But, like most politicians he promised more than he could deliver. Fry: Professor, when did you become so obsessed with voting? Professor Farnsworth: The very instant I became old. George Washington: So telleth, Bender, what hath happened to your body? Bender: I hocked it. George Washington: Hocked it? Why wouldst thou do that? Bender: Same reason you hocked your teeth.

George Washington: Ah, booze money. Gerald Ford's Head: Frankly, I've never found voting to be that nessecary to the process. Richard Nixon's Head: No Kidding, Ford! George Bush's Head: We can't just let any Tom, Dick, and Harry into the Hall of Presidential Heads!...uh...no offense, Jefferson, Nixon, Truman. Nixon's Head: Thats My style, I like to kick 'em when they're down! Nixon's Head: Well listen here missy, computers may be twice as fast as they were in 1973, but your average voter is as drunk and stupid as ever. The only one who's changed is ME! I've become bitter...and lets face it...CRAZY over the years! Bender: Let's face it, comedy's a dead art form. Tragedy, now that's funny. Fry: This snow is beautiful. I'm glad global warming never happened. Leela: Actually, it did. But thank God nuclear winter canceled it out. Fry: Girls like swarms of lizards, right? Robot Santa: I'm going to shove coal so far up your stocking, you'll be coughing up diamonds! Fry: Alright bird, you thought you could beat me in a game of wits, but you just met your equal! Robot Santa: Your mistletoe is no match for my TOW missile!

Xmas Story

Professor Farnsworth: Dear God, they'll be killed on our doorstep! And there's no trash pickup until January 3rd. Robot Santa: You've all been very, very naughty indeed! Except you, Dr. Zoidberg. This is for you! Dr. Zoidberg: A pogo stick! Robot Santa: As for the rest of you, I'm going to tear off your skin like wrapping paper and deck the halls with your guts! Bender: I'm very generous. What about that time I gave blood? Fry: Whose blood? Bender: Eh, some guy's. Linda: Is there anything sadder than homeless robots at Xmas? Only drowning puppies, and there would have to be a lot of them. Fry: I feel like a rat; here I am whining like a pig, while Leela is as lonely as a frog.

Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love?

[edit] Fry: Now that's what I call a thousand years of progress: a Bavarian Cream dog that's self-microwaving! Leela: No offense Fry, but you've become a fat sack of crap. Fry: [angrily] Sack?! Dr. Zoidberg: Hmm, this love intrigues me. Teach me to fake it! Dr. Zoidberg: It's all so complicated with the flowers and the romance and the lies upon lies! Decapod man: See you there doctor [he says something in decapod language]

Fry: Is that how you say Zoidberg? [the man runs away sobbing] Zoidberg: You had to call attention to his speech impediment. [Dr. Zoidberg attempts to woo Edna while Fry helps from a hiding place] Dr. Zoidberg: [to Fry] Now what? Fry: Tell her she looks thin. Dr. Zoidberg: You seem malnourished. Are you suffering from intestinal parasites maybe? Edna: Yes, thanks for noticing. Fry: Now ask her how her day was. Dr. Zoidberg: Why would I wanna know? Fry: You wouldn't. Ask anyway. Dr. Zoidberg: [to Edna] How was your day? Edna: Well, first I got up and had a piece of toast, then I brushed my teeth, then I went to the store to buy some fish [Edna continues with a long list of mundane activities.] Dr. Zoidberg: Fry, look what you did! She won't shut up! Fry: That's normal. Just nod your head and say 'Uh-huh.' Dr. Zoidberg: Uh-huh, uh-huh Edna: and then you threw an octopus at my window. Dr. Zoidberg: I'm confused Fry. I'm feeling things I've never felt before. Is it love when you care about the female for reasons beyond mating? Fry: Nope, must be some weird alien emotion. Dr. Zoidberg: Now Fry, it's been a few years since medical school so remind me; disembowling in your speciesfatal or non-fatal? Fry: Fatal. [Dr. Zoidberg hands money to Bender, who is taking bets from audience members.] Dr. Zoidberg: Large bet on myself in round 1!

Leela: Dr. Zoidberg please! You're being irrational! Dr. Zoidberg: Of course I'm being irrational, I'm in love! Dr. Zoidberg: I'm going to cut him, right here, [pointing at Fry's throat] in the gonads! Fry: [to the audience] Nobody correct him! Bender: It's always so sad when a friend goes crazy and you have to have a big clam bake and cook him. Yeehaw!

Voice on T.V.: Is modern day life making you angry and impatient? Bender: Shut the hell up and get to the point! Bender: Oww, I think I got whiplash. Leela: You can't have whiplash, you don't even have a neck! Bender: I mean ass whiplash. Bob Barker: Do you brain dead space jockeys have any idea how much that thing is worth? Fry: $100,000? Leela: $200,000? Bender: $200,001? Bob Barker: [to Leela] You're closest without going over. Fry: Bender?! You stole the atom. Bender: I can explain. It's very valuable. Professor Farnsworth: Everyone get in bed with me. I have something to show you. [The Planet Express staff climbs into the bed.] Professor Farnsworth: Feast your eyeson this! [Everyone gasps.] Leela: It's beautiful! Amy Wong: And huge! Fry: Can I touch it? Fry: I'm so confused. The Bender I liked turned out to be evil, and the Bender I hated was good. How can I live my life when I can't tell good from evil? Bender: They're both fine choices, whatever floats your boat. Fry: I just made out with that radiator woman from the Radiator Planet!

Leela: Fry, that's a radiator. Fry: Oh. Is there a burn ward within ten feet of here? Leela: Valentine's day's coming up. Fry: Oh crap! I forgot to get a girlfriend again! Amy: Lucky I'm a member of the Austro-Afro-Antarctico-Amer-Asian Auto Association. Hello, Septuple-A? Fry: Hey, tell me something. You've got all this money. How come you always dress like you're doing your laundry? Amy: I guess because my parents keep telling me to be more ladylike. As though. Fry: I've been there. My folks were always on me to groom myself and wear underpants. What am I, the pope? Amy: Yeah, and if you were the pope they'd be all, "Straighten your pope hat." And "Put on your good vestments." [Amy and Fry have just announced that they are dating.] Bender: Congratulations Fry, you've snagged the perfect girlfriend. Amy's rich, she's probably got other characteristics Leela: Bender! Romance isn't about money! Bender: Oh, so it's just coincidence that Zoidberg here is desperately poor and miserably lonely? Please! Leela: For your information, it's because he's hideous! Dr. Zoidberg: Awww. Fry: I'm doing my jobthere's Amy. I spend a few hours selecting a candy from the machinethere's Amy. I wake up the morning after sleeping with Amythere's Amy! Fry: All of a sudden, she's talking about hanging out, hanging out, she's getting way too serious, I'm not a one woman man, Leela.

Leela: I'm sure you'll be back to zero soon enough. Sal: Whoa! Nice eyeball, Eyeball. Leela: Nice ass, Ass. Bender: Ah, computer dating. It's just like pimping, except you only rarely use the phrase "upside your head". Professor Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! I've taught the toaster to feel love! Leela: Bender, let's hit the gym. I'm going to teach you to fight like a girl. Bender: [In low, menacing tones] I'll put on my tutu. The Foreigner: [taunting the crowd]: I'm not from here! I have my own customs! Check out my crazy passport! Wrestling Promoter: You'll soon be the least popular wrestler since Sergeant Faeces Processor! Amy: Fry, where's your brain slug? Professor: [picks up a withered brain slug] Poor little guy starved to death. Fry: I always thought it was real like pro wrestling but it's fixed like boxing. Bender: [To Leela] Bender the Offender doesn't need you! Bender the Offender doesn't need anybody! Robot Floozie: What about us, Mr. the Offender? Bender: Well, obviously I need floozies. Master Phnog: You were an excellent student. Too bad I was a lousy teacher!

Fry: Well, thanks to the Internet, I'm now bored with sex. Is there anywhere that panders to my lust for violence? Bender: [sarcastically] Is the Space Pope reptilian? Computer: Leela, you've got mail! Leela: Ugh Computer: It's not spam! Bender: Behold, the internet. Fry: My God, it's full of ads! [Bender is disguised as a sexy nurse, talking to a chat room participant.] Bender: Hi, I'm a naughty nurse, and I really need someone to talk to. $9.95 a minute. Chat room participant: Oh, you're a dollar naughtier than most. Amy (looking behind door marked "Amy Wong Naked"): Hey! That's me! Bender: No it isn't. I just took some pictures of your face and stuck them on someone else's body. Leela (looking behind door): Hey! Fry: Psst! Leela! You've got to get me out of here! It's horrible! Eating scraps; letting my waste drop wherever it falls, like an animal in a zoo! Leela: Animals go in the corner. Fry: The corner! Why didn't I think of that? Preacherbot: Do you, Leela, copy and paste his response, 'til death do you part? Leela: Where did you get that couch? And that TV? And all this stuff? Alkazar: They were giving it away on a street corner. Just like you, Leela!

Leela: Too bad they weren't giving away the three things you really need: mouthwash, a back wax and stain-proof underwear. Alkazar: By the way, your friend Fry fell into the dungeon. Take him a taco so he doesn't stink up the place. Leela: Oh, come on Al, can't you let the little guy out? Alkazar: Twice in one day? I'm not Superman, you know! Professor Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! The university is bringing me up on disciplinary charges. Wait! That's not good news at all! Professor Farnsworth: Everyone's always in favor of saving Hitler's brain, but when you put it in the body of a great white shark, ooooh, suddenly you've gone too far! Professor Farnsworth: Everyone, I have a very dramatic announcement. So anyone with a weak heart should leave now. Goodbye! Professor Farnsworth: And this is my universal translator. Unfortunately so far it only translates into an incomprehensible dead language. Cubert: Hello! Universal Translator: Bonjour! Professor Farnsworth: Crazy gibberish! Professor Farnsworth: Goodbye, cruel world. [He stops walking.] Goodbye, cruel lamp. [He stops again by the window.] Goodbye, cruel velvet drapes, lined with what would appear to be some sort of cruel muslin... [The Reaperbot groans.] ... and the cute little pom-pom curtain pull cords. Cruel though they may be, I[The Reaperbot picks him up and hefts him over his shoulder] [The ship is under attack and Professor Farnsworth, unconscious, is the only one who can repair the engines.] Leela: We have to wake him up.

[Leela shakes the professor, Fry blows an air horn at him, and Bender throws water on his face.] Fry: [to Bender] Try shocking him. Bender: Your Social Security check is late! Stuff costs more than it used to! Young people use curse words! Fry: Damn it! He's not waking up. Fry: Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! [short pause] Fix it! Fix it! Fix it!

How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back

[edit] [Hermes is threatening to jump off a building.] Planet Express Crew: No! Don't jump! Bender: Do a flip! Leela: [to Hermes]You have so much to live for. Bender: I get it, reverse psychology! Hermes: Life death either way I'll be confined to a tiny cubicle! Morgan:[dumbfounded] What's this?! [Holds up a baseball cap full of cottage cheese that was in Fry's locker] Fry: I can explain! See, it used to be milk, and, well, Time makes fools of us all... [Fry is showing Morgan around his apartment. They come to what appears to be a table covered in old, stale food] Morgan:So... this is where you eat? [Fry pulls off the 'tablecloth' (upsetting a jug of milk which spills on the floor) and uncovers a mattress] Fry: Eat and sleep! Hermes: Curse that Dr. Zoidberg. If I get out of here, he'll be looking down the business end of a shrimp fork!

Dr. Zoidberg: Fry! Leela! Robot! No matter what it is you're doing tonight, I'm available! Fry: What's with the specs, Bender? Bender: They're my lucky shades! I stole 'em off some lucky man while his lucky seein'-eye dog was takin' a whiz! Professor Farnsworth: Damn it Hermes, jump already! Quit hogging that healthy liver. Number 1.0: Don't quote me regulations! I co-chaired the commitee that reviewed the recommendation to revise the color of the book that regulations are kept in! (darkly) We kept it grey. Bender: I'm Bender, baby! Please insert liquor! Number 1.0: Bureaucrat Conrad, you are technically correct - the best kind of correct.

Hermes: Exciting news, people! The pet license I requisitioned for Nibbler has arrived. Leela: Hermes, that's sweet. I didn't know you cared about Nibbler. Hermes: Dream on, woman. I'd like to put the little bastard in a sack and toss the sack in a river and hurl the river into space. But I do like filling out requisitions and these were some doozies! [Hermes opens the envelope.] Hermes: Great Jah's dreadlocks! There's been a mix-up: This isn't a pet license, it's a fishing license! And it's mandatory! Bender: So, we're in international waters? Professor Farnsworth: Indeed so. Bender: [talking on a radio] 'Falcon', this is 'Blue Raven'. 'The Goose' has nested, I repeat 'The Goose' has nested. [A boat pulls up alongside, exchanges packages with Bender, and drives away.] Bender: Hey, guess what you're accessories to.

Hermes: MY MANWICH!!! [the Planet Express Ship is being dragged underwater by a colossal mouth bass] Leela: Depth at forty five hundred feet. Forty eight hundred. Fifty hundred. Five thousand feet. Professor Farnsworth: Dear Lord, that's over 150 atmospheres of pressure. Fry: How many atmospheres can this ship withstand? Professor Farnsworth: Well it's a spaceship, so I'd say anywhere between zero and one. Leela: Where's Fry? Bender: I didn't kill him. Professor? Professor Farnsworth: No, I've been busy. Bender: In case of emergency, my ass can be used as a flotation device.

Fry: You know what I like best about you, Umbriel? You find me fascinating, even when I'm not claiming to be a jewel thief or a lion tamer. Umbriel: Lions? There are sea lions on the land? Fry: Yep, we call them land-sea lions. I tame them. [Zoidberg's house has burned down underwater.] Zoidberg: My home! It burned down! Oh, how could this happen?! Hermes: That's a very good question. Bender: Oh, so that's where I left my cigar. (picks up a still-lit cigar and takes a drag) Hermes: That just raises further questions! Amy: What happened to my parasol? Bender: Beats me, it wasn't there when I took your umbrella. Leela: It's ocean madness. Professor: Ocean madness is no excuse for ocean rudeness. Bender: Arr... the laws of science be a harsh mistress.

Supplicant: Please, Don-Botlook into your hard drive, and open your mercy file! Don-Bot: File not found. Cop: He's making a break for it. Get him! Fry: No, no, I was just picking my nose. Cop: He's picking his nose. Get him! [Leela is temporarily blind] Amy: Leela, a little help is nothing to be embarassed about. Like, maybe I could do your makeup. Leela: I don't need help. For your information, I did this all by myself. [turns to reveal horribly crooked lipstick and mascara on right side of face] Professor Farnsworth: You look beautiful. Incidentally, my favorite artist is Picasso. Don-Bot: Alright, let's mafia things up a bit. Joey, burn down the ship. Clamps, burn down the crew. Clamps: It's gonna be clamp this, clamp that, badda-climp badda-clamp!

Professor Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! There's a report on TV with some very bad news! Slurm Soda Machine: I've got a big big thirst for human blood! Fry: Ya, I'd like some coffee please. Coffee Machine: Would you like cream in your coffee? Fry: Yes please. Coffee Machine: OUT OF CREAM! Would you like sugar in your coffee? Fry: Yes, 8 spoons please. Coffee Machine: OUT OF COFFEE! Fry: Leela, I think the coffee machine's broken! [The machine squirts coffee at Fry.] Coffee Machine: HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?! Greeting card: Come comrade Bender, let us take to the streets! Bender: Is it the peaceful kind? Greeting Card: No. The violent kind, with looting, and possibly starting a few fires. Fry: Is anything here not a robot? Lamp: I'm not a robot. Bender: No liquor? Do svidaniya, comrade ( , Russian for "Goodbye") Fry: They're like sex, except I'm having them! Fry: I'm experienced with foraging. I used to find edible mushrooms on my bath mat! Leela: Well, it's a Type M planet. So it should at least have Roddenberries.

Fry: Hey, business is great! Bender: Ehh, great is okay, but amazing would be great. Professor Farnsworth: There's one way and only one way to determine if an animal is intelligent. Dissect its brain! Leela: Come on, little Poppler. Say mama! Fry: Look, Leela. Even if you've heard one talk, that doesn't mean it's intelligent. I mean, parrots talk. And we eat them, right? Bender: Yeah! Maybe it just learned to talk as a parlour trick. Like Fry. Fry: Like Fry! Like Fry! Bender: Yes! I'm gonna be rich! [looks at Fry] You too, but it's hard to get excited about that. Bender: Hear me! Hear me! Stop eating Popplers! Stop eating them with honey mustard sauce! Stop eating them with tangy sweet and sour sauce! Stop eating the new Fiesta Poppler Salad! Stop taking advantage of the money-saving twelve-pack! Stop enjoying Popplers on the patio, in the car, or on the boat, wherever good times are had! Bender: They're tasty, right? Let's call them Tastycles. Lrrr (having just eaten a hippy): People of Earth! [to the side] Woah, that hippy's starting to kick in... [to the crowd] We've all learned an important lesson today. I realise now that... dude, my hands are huge... [crowd murmurs] They can touch anything but themselves. [puts hands together] Oh, wait... [Zoidberg sees a guinea pig.] Dr. Zoidberg: What's this? Two meals in one week? [He eats the guinea pig, and Professor Farnsworth traps him.]

Dr. Zoidberg: Friends, help! A guinea pig tricked me! Professor Farnsworth: You've killed me! Oh, you've killed me! Leela: Oh God, what have I done? Professor Farnsworth: I just told you! You've killed me! [Leela is killing Hermes.] Hermes: What are you hacking off? Is it my torso?! It is! My precious torso! Bender: Blackmail's such an ugly word. I prefer extortion. The x makes it sound cool. Fry: What if Bender was really giant? Leela: You idiot! We already saw that. Fry: I know. I liked it. I want to see it again. Professor Farnsworth: We are not seeing it again! Ask something less stupid! Fry: Um... What if I never fell into that freezer-doodle and came to the futurejiggy? Professor Farnsworth: That question is less stupid; though you asked it in a profoundly stupid way. Fry: but instead of falling into the tube, I missed and wanged my head. Al Gore: Well it's obvious, that wang to the head should've killed you. Fry: Uh, wha? Nichelle Nichols: Let's finish the job. Stephen Hawking: Pin him down. Deep Blue: Check! [They pin Fry down and Stephen Hawking runs over him repeatedly, but the temporal vortex reappears.] Bender: Hey, look! He's back and this time he brought nerds! [Bender throws a beer bottle from the temporal vortex and it breaks on the floor]

Bender: Ahahahaha! Nichelle Nichols: Killing him isn't working and that's all we're good at! [Fry, back in the year 2000, has just refused to let himself be frozen, thus destroying the universe.] Al Gore: You fool! You foolish fool! Fry: Eh, what's the worst that could happen? [The universe is sucked inside itself into nothingness.] Nichelle Nichols: Eternity with nerds. It's the Pasadena Star Trek convention all over again! Fry: Full price for gum? That dog won't hunt, monsignor. Professor Farnsworth: Now, be careful, Fry. And if you kill anyone, make sure to eat their heart to gain their courage. Their rich, tasty courage. Soldier: Why is this godforsaken planet worth dying for? Zapp Brannigan: Don't ask me. You're the one who is going to be dying. Henry Kissinger's Head: Young man, you have the will of a hero, and breath as fresh as a summer's ham. Zapp Brannigan: Now, like all great plans, my strategy is so simple an idiot could have devised it. Zapp Brannigan: Men, you're lucky men. Soon you'll all be fighting for your planet. Many of you will be dying for your planet. A few of you will be forced through a fine mesh screen for your planet. They will be the luckiest of all. Richard Nixon's head: We are now in position over Spheron 6. This is the moment we have been training for all yesterday afternoon.

War is the H-Word

Hick soldier: Fry, you emu-bellied coward! Bender: The name of the game is make Bender happy or he blows up the planet! Brain Ball: Stop, there's no need to bounce off the handle. Bender: That's it! I'm sayin' it! A is for a... Brain Ball: Stop! We give into all of Earth's demands! The war is over. Our home planet is yours. Fry: Wait, this is your home planet? We're the evil invading aliens? Brain Ball: Correct. Bender: Then I guess you learned a valuable lesson. Don't mess with Earth! Brain Ball: May you bounce in peace. Bender: Get the hell off my planet! Richard Nixon's head: I want this robot fixed. Fixed, like Kennedy fixed the 1960 election! Damn bean-eating war hero! Doctor Zoidberg: I've done all I can, he's gone. Hick soldier: Now, wait a minute, doc, I ain't dead! Doctor Zoidberg: And who is the doctor here?! Soldier: This is the worst part. The calm before the battle. Fry: And then the battle's not so bad? Soldier: Oh yeah, I forgot about the battle (whimpers). Newspaper Headline: War Over! Balls Thoroughly Licked Zapp Brannigan: As you all know, the key to victory is the element of surprise. (brief pause) Surprise! (Presses button, the floor of ship opens abruptly dropping army into battle field.) Henry Kissinger's Head: Let us put an end to the bloodshed. We've all seen too many body bags and ball sacks.

Bender: I can't keep running people over. I'm not famous enough to get away with it. Bender: And until then, I can't die? Fortune-Telling Robot: Who said that? Of course you can die! (picks up gun) You want to die?! Bender: No! I want to live! There's still too many things I don't own! SolicitorBot: [reading] And to my loving nephew, Bender, assuming he's not responsible for my death, I leave my castle. Bender: Yes! Let's stay there tonight. SolicitorBot: [reading] On the condition that he spend one night within its walls. Bender: Oh man, there's always a catch.

Uncle Vladimir: Come, Bender. You'll like being dead! Bender: That's what they said about being alive! Fry: Poor Bender, you're seeing things. You've been drinking too much. Or too little. I forget how it works with you. Anyway, you haven't drunk EXACTLY the right amount. Calculon: The year was 2019 and I was just a lowly robot arm working in an automotive research lab. I was working on Project Satan. A savage and intelligent military vehicle built from the most evil parts of the most evil cars in all the world. The steering wheel from Hitler's staff car. The left turn signal from Charles Manson's VW. The windshield wipers from that car that played Knight Rider. Fry: Knight Rider wasn't evil! Calculon: His windshield wipers were. It didn't come up much in the show though. Anyway, only after bringing Project Satan to life did they discover they made a horrible mistake. For you seeit was pure evil. Fry: Words. Nothing but sweet, sweet words that turn into bitter orange wax in my ears. Amy: Oh no! Someone you know must've died! Bender: I hope it was one of my enemies! Those guys suck.

Fry: No-one even cared that I was gone! Michelle: Well, one person did. [Fry and Michelle hold hands for a moment.] Fry: Who was it? Fry (to Michelle): Fine, Fine, If it will make you happy, I will overthrow society.

Michelle: It gave me a chance to think. Fry: I'm Sorry. Fry: Things are different this time. Before she was demanding and possessive, but now she wants me to do stuff and stay with her all the time. Fry: Michelle, I don't regret this, but I both rue and lament it. Leela: Monday Monkey lives for the weekend, sir.

Dr. Zoidberg: Goodbye friends! I'll miss you! [They leave.] Good riddance to them. Now Zoidberg is the popular one! Professor Farnsworth: Yes, yes. Let's all talk to Zoidberg. [All start talking to him.] Dr. Zoidberg:Oh, you know... Fry: I've had it with women. From now on I'm concentrating on my career. Can I have my old job back? Professor Farnsworth: Why, I've forgotten why I even fired you Bender: Because he destroyed your business, your home and all your possessions. Professor Farnsworth: Oh yesget lost! Dr. Zoidberg: For one beautiful night I knew what it was like to be a grandmother. Subjugated, yet honored.

Zoidberg: So long! I'm off to toss this old shell in the dumpster, and maybe pick up those potato chips Amy didn't finish yesterday! Amy: Those were toenail clippings! Zoidberg: A feast is a feast! Zapp Brannigan: [piloting the orbiting restaurant] She's built like a steakhouse, but she handles like a bistro. Zapp Brannigan: This whole sector is uncharted. Kif: It is not uncharted, you lost the chart! Fry: Pff, a female leader? Leela: Fry, shut up. Fry: Yes, captain. Femputer: The Amazonians will be divided into three groups. The one called Zapp will be snu-snued by the large women. He that is designated Fry will be snu-snued by the petite women. And Kif, as the most attractive male, will be snu-snued by the most beautiful women of Amazonia. Then the large women. Then the petite women. Then the large women again. Fry: [about to serve his sentence of snu-snuing(sex)to death] Goodbye, friends. I never thought I'd die like this. But I always really, really hoped. Zapp Brannigan: We need rest. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised. Fry: What did they die of? Kug: Crushed pelvises! [Kug points to three skeletons with broken pelvises, sitting relaxed with cigarettes in their mouths.] Fry: Yes!!! Zapp Brannigan: Oh thank you, Lord in heaven!

Sal: Hey, sexy mama, let's get busy and freaky in that order! Fry: Hey! How would you like it if Leela said you were sexy and she wanted to have sex with you? Sal: Eh, I gots five minutes. She looks pretty good for a truck stop chick! Fry: You take that back! She does not look good for a truck stop chick! Sal: Yeah, you're right. She don't gots enough meat for a guy like me. Fry: She does too! She's loaded with meat! She's got more meat than a cow! Lord Mayor of Colon: You've damaged your brain, universe! But no more than a week of binge drinking or five minutes on a cellphone! Professor Farnsworth: If we can stimulate that nerve, the bowel will convulse, expelling the entire worm society. Amy: But what about the worms in the other parts of his body? Professor Farnsworth: Listen, this is gonna be one hell of a bowel movement. Afterwards he'll be lucky if he has any bones left. Bender: Sorry you struck out, sausage link. If it's any consolation, my life is great! Babes! Bucks! I got it all! Fry: Well, at least I learned Leela's a lost cause. I give up. Bender: There you go! [yawns] Goodnight. I gotta get up early to go parasailing with movie stars! Fry: It's like a party in my mouth and everyone's throwing up. Professor Farnsworth: Anyhoo, your net-suits will allow you to experience Fry's worm infested bowels as if you were actually wriggling through them. Dr. Zoidberg: There's no part of that sentence I didn't like! Hermes: If it keeps up at this rate he'll soon be as strong and flexible as Gumby and Hercules combined! Dr. Zoidberg: Gumbercules? I love that guy!

Professor Farnsworth: If we don't get rid of the worms now, they'll burrow so deep into the bowel that not even Hermes' famous Jerk Prunes could dislodge them! Hermes: I call it Caribbean Draino. Professer Farnsworth: The nerve is through here. Where's Zoidberg? [Zoidberg enters, riding a sperm like a horse] Dr. Zoidberg: Yippie-ki-yay! You'll never guess where I've been! Fry: Why aren't we moving? Leela: I don't know! Usually when I do stuff like this, the ship moves! Bender: [singing] I'd give you all a beating but I really have to fly. Santa: [singing] If I weren't stuck here frozen I'd harpoon you in the eye. Bender: Isn't it true you that you have been paid for your testimony? Pramala: Yes. You gave me a dollar and some candy. Bender: And yet you haven't said what I told you to say! How can any of us trust you? Fry: I'm Santa Claus! Hermes: No, I'm Santa Claus! Amy: We're also Santa Claus! Dr. Zoidberg: And I'm his friend Jesus. Mayor: None of you are Santa Claus! How dare you lie in front of Jesus! Mayor: My god The real Santa! Get 'im, Jesus! Dr. Zoidberg: [running away] I help those who help themselves! Bender: Gee whiz, Santa. You want me to help you? Fry: [to Bender] Don't do it! He's evil! Santa: I know he is, but I have no choice.

[Bender is being led past several other robots on his way to his execution.] Smitty: Deactivated robot walking! We've got a deactivated robot walking! Robot: When you see the Robot Devil, tell him I'm coming! [Bender walks past the next cell, which contains the Robot Devil.] Bender: Hey, that guy told me to tell you... Robot Devil: I heard him! Racetrack PA announcer: And the winner is number three, in a quantum finish. Professor Farnsworth: No fair! You changed the outcome by measuring it! Fry: That clover helped my rat-fink brother steal my dream of going into space. Now I'll never get there! Leela: You went there this morning for donuts. Fry: Hey! Breakfast Club Soundtrack! Bender: You mean breakfast Club Sandwich. Bender: There! Now no one can say I don't own John Larroquette's spine! Bender: Fine, but grab a shovel; I'm one skull short of a mouseketeer reunion. Fry: Leela, Bender, we're going graverobbing. Bender: I'll get my kit! Fry: It's all lies, every word of it. He wasn't original, he wasn't a martian, he wasn't Philip Fry, and since when is he a "the"? Bender: You're twice the "the" he ever was. Yancy Fry, Sr.: Yancy, I'd like you to met your new brother, Philip.

Two-year-old Yancy Jr.: I wanna be called Philip! Me Philip! Me Philip!! Yancy Fry, Sr.: Son, your name is Yancy, just like me and my father and my grandfather all the way back to Minuteman Yancy Fry - who blasted Commies during the American Revolution. (Yancy, Jr. salutes)

Twenty-eight-year-old Yancy Jr.: Thanks for lending me your tux for the wedding dad. Yancy Fry, Sr.: Yancy, that tux got me through Nam in style. [edit]

The Birdbot of Ice-Catraz

Leela: [to Bender] That aerosal head spray makes your antenna smell nice... Bender: Thank you. Leela: ...but it's doing long-term damage to the planet. Bender: So? It's not like it's the only one we've got. Professor Farnsworth: Being captain is about intuition and heart. A good captain can't have either one. That's why cold, logical Bender is perfect for the job. Bender: Well, I do think of human life as expendable. Fry: No fair! Leela was training me to be captain. She even let me sit in her lap and steer [pulls out a piece of paper] in this comic I drew. Zoidberg: Oh, the new one is out! Fry: What's happening? Dr. Zoidberg: All 6,000 hulls have been breached! Fry: Oh, the fools! If only they'd built it with 6,001 hulls! When will they learn? Hyperchicken: Son, as your lawyer, I declare y'all are in a 12-piece bucket o' trouble. But I done struck you a deal: Five hours of community service cleanin' up that ol' mess you caused. Bender: Five hours? Aw, man! Couldn't you just got me the death penalty?

Bender: I don't know why but when I look down at their little faces, it makes me wanna puke! In a good way! Zoidberg: Captain, I don't think we're on Pluto anymore. In fact, we may have left space as we know it! Fry: Then where are we? You told me you could navigate! Zoidberg: [crying] Stop yelling at me! [ e d i t ]

B e n d l e s s L o v e
Professor Farnsworth: Perhaps it's your outlook that needs a good bend, a ninety degree bend to a place where happiness is perpendicular to wonderment. Professor Farnsworth: Those delightful birds with their chirp chirp chirp and their tweet tweet splat.

Fry: Professor, I've never seen you so cheerful. What the hell's wrong with you? Fry: That doesn't look like an L, unless you count lowercase. Bender: You know we don't! [the crew has discovered that some of their belongings have been bent] Hermes: Sweet lamprey of Sante Fe! my edge has been bent! Amy: My javelin too! It's ruined! Now we'll never beat team Jupiter! Zoidberg: My slinky! (runs to a straight metal wire) My cuddly little pet slinky! Bender: Sorry I'm not your lover boy Flexo, whom you love so much. You love any one even pretending to be him! Angleyne: Maybe I love you so much I love you no matter who you are pretending to be. Bender: Oh how I wish I could believe or understand that! Don-Bot: That wad of scab money should be slush in my funds and kicks in my back. Joey: What if management remains intransigent? Donbot: From the context it is clear what you mean. Joey Mousepad: He's flashing his cash loaf again. Don-Bot: How may times is that? Two or three? Clamps: Three. Don-Bot: All right. That's the necessary number of times. That scab is gonna have a little 'on the job accident'. Joey Mousepad: With all due respect Don-Bot, I don't think we should rely on an accident happening. Let's kill him ourselves. Don-Bot: (groans)

Amy: You remember your own birth? Bender: Sure, it was only four years ago. Fry: You're only four years old? Bender: Precocious little scamp, ain't I? [puffs cigar] Professor Farnsworth: My new bent outlook has completely re-energized me. I'm even dating a young Brazilian retired actress. Fry: Alright! Farnsworth: Some say I'm robbing the cradle but I say she's robbing the grave. Bender: You degenerate hussy! I'm disappointed in you too, Angleyne. Bender: You call yourself divorced?! You're making a mockery of one of our most honored institutions!

Nibblonian: They travel from world to world making everyone stupid in order to wipe out all thought in the universe. Leela: Wipe out all thought? My God, they're like flying televisions. Giant Brain Spawn: Foolish human race! Organising your knowledge by category just made it easier to absorb. Dewey, you fool! Your decimal system has played right into my hands! Morbo: Morbo can't understand his teleprompter because he forgot how you say that letter that's shaped like a man wearing a hat. Linda: It's a 'T'. It goes 'tuh'. Morbo: Hello, little man. I will destroy you!

Female Nibblonian: The Brain Spawn suppress intelligence by attacking the delta brain wave. Every animal and robot in the universe generates this wave, as do certain trees. Nibbler: Fry, however, does not. Female Nibblonian: Somehow he has cobbled together a random assortment of other brain waves into a working mind. Leela: Like a prom dress made from carpet remnants! Nibblonian: Yes, like your prom dress. Leela: You go fight biggest brain of all. Fry: Even bigger than those? Holy nuts! Where is it? Leela: I'ono. Fry: Hmm. A giant brain is basically a giant nerd. And where would a giant nerd be? (gasps loudly) The library! Fiona: Nibblonians to Nibble stations. Prepare Cuddlebutt for deployment in 40 nibblets. Nibbler: Sometimes I fear we are cute. Fiona: Oh, niggle-snoosh. Fry: Now he's trapped in a book I wrote. A crummy world of plot holes and spelling errors. Giant Brain Spawn: The Big Brain am winning again! I am the greetest! Haha-ha-ha. Now I am leaving Earth for no raisin! Leela: You can count on me! Fiona: No we can't. Humorbot 5.0: So, I said, "Supercollider? I just met her!". Professor Farnsworth: I've been a Harold Zoid fan since back when my hips were made of bone.

Calculon: I'm programmed to be very busy. Calculon: I just pray they like me half as much as I do. Calculon: I've seen plagues that had better opening nights than this! Dr. Zoidberg: Well, editing is a long and expensive process, but we spent all the money on pies, soit'll be ready Friday. Calculon: Nay, I respect and admire Harold Zoid too much to beat him to death with his own Oscar. [Bender has just adopted some orphans.] Bender: Kids, meet uncle Fry! Fry: Hey, why are all those kids following you around? D'you have candy stuck to your ass? [Fry is trying to convince Leela not to have surgery to attach a fake eye.] Fry: But you're better than normal: you're abnormal. Leela: Oh, Adlai, I've had a wonderful time today. No one's stared at me, or avoided staring at me, or tried to burn me. You make me feel so not weird. Adlai: Leela, you're nine hundred and ninety nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety nine in a million. Fry: What's so wonderful about Leela being normal? The rest of us aren't normal and that's what makes us great. Like Dr. Zoidberg: he's a weird monster who smells like he eats garbage and does. Dr. Zoidberg: Damn right! Fry: And the Professor's a senile, amoral crackpot. [Farnsworth blubbers and waves] Hermes is a Rastafarian accountant. Hermes: Tally me banana! Fry: Amy's a klutz from Mars.

Amy: [drops her glass] Sploops! Professor Farnsworth: And, Fry, you've got that brain thing. Fry: I already did! So, Leela, do you wanna be like us? Or do you wanna be like Adlai with no severe mental or social problems whatsoever? Leela: That's the dumbest question I ever heard! Kid: Read us this story. Bender: Okay. (clears throat) "Bender's Arrest Record, by the Police." Leela: Now take me to the hospital and put my eye back the way it was! Right now! Adlai: Why should I do that? [Leela shoves Adlai against the wall and grabs his collar.] Leela: Listen, buddy. By the end of the day, one of us is gonna have one eye! Leela: What are their names? Bender: Kids have names? Orphan: My name is Nina, this is AlbertBender: -And from now on you're all named Bender Jr. Orphan: Daddy Bender, we're hungry. Bender: What's with you kids? Every few days it's food, food, food. (Kids are sad) Bender: Alright, I'll get you some stupid food. Orphan: Can we have Bender Burgers again? Bender: No. The cat shelter's on to me! Amy: Wait! I'm too rich to be kidnapped! Zapp Brannigan: I am the man with no nameZapp Brannigan, at your service. Martian Chief: I am "Singing Wind" leader of the Martians.

Zapp Brannigan: Take me to your leader. Martian Chief: moving along Professor Farnsworth: It sounds dangerous, someone could get killed. Fry, Leela, Bender; I want you to go with them. Professor Farnsworth: This mission is incredibly dangerous. Someone's sure to be killed. Fry, Leela, Bender Bender: Damn you, old man! Amy: My name's Amy Wong. And you are? Martian Chief: Mad at Wong family! [The Planet Express staff visit Fry and Bender in The Institute for Criminally Insane Robots.] Professor Farnsworth: Don't worry, Fry, I too once spent a nightmarish time in a robot asylum ... but now it's nearly over. [Farnsworth leaves.] Leela: We're all trying to help you. We've petitioned the governor but he doesn't want to appear soft on people who've been falsely imprisoned. Fry: At least I have friends on the outside. Bender's been no help at all. Bender: Je suis Napoleon! No seriously, I'm not. Amy: Bender, you should be more ashamed of yourself than usual. Bender: Ah, lighten up honey. I'm just trying to get through a difficult time using humour. [Fry and Bender are encased in a cardboard box, which is being rolled out of the courtroom.] Fry: Ow my head! Ow my feet! Ow my head! Ow my feet! Professor Farnsworth: Keep your chin up. Fry: Ow my chin!

Amy: Aww, he looks like a little insane drunken angel. Hermes: Fry! Don't be a hero! It's not covered by the health plan! Fry: (sees a bubbling liquid in his digestive system in the X-ray inspection) What the...?! (loud burp) Bender (OS): I find that offensive! Bender: Don't kill me yet! I'm starting to come down with Stockholm Syndrome... handsome. Dr. Zoidberg: Fry, just because you think you're something doesn't make you it! I think I'm a doctor, but that doesn't make me a doctor. These fancy clothes do! Fry: These robots don't believe that I'm human. How do I convince them? Bender: You can try dropping dead, that'll show them. Fry: [whining voice] I don't wanna!

( Roberto is holding the Planet Express crew captive and goes up to Bender) Roberto: I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. Guess it, and you die first! Bender: Ummm... 56-ish? Roberto: 56!? 56?!! Aww man! Now that's all I can think about! I'm gonna kill you, you no-good 56-ing 56-er!" [edit]

The Route of All Evil

Bender: I guess if you want children beaten, you have to do it yourself. Cubert: Hey, Leela, help me apply these flame decals I got in my cereal. They'll make the ship go faster. Leela: And what's your scientific basis for thinking that?

Cubert: I'm twelve. Leela: If you were my kids you'd get quite a talking tofrom your fatherwhen he got home from the Senate. Professor Farnsworth: Oh, brother. What have they done now? Bender: Those pork dumplings sent us on a fake pizza delivery! Fry: The address was on Dogdoo 8 but the universe ends right after Dogdoo 7! Hermes: Child mon, is this true? Dwight: Yeah, but why are you mad at us? Your dummy brigade wasted a week on an obviously fake mission! Cubert: [pointing at Bender] Plus, they're using company property to make bootleg beer. Bender: Lies! Lies and slander! Professor Farnsworth: Accusing gentle Bender of a misdeed? Now you've gone too far! Dwight: Can I use the gun? Hermes: What kind of a father would I be if I said no? Dwight: I heard alcohol makes you stupid. Fry: No I'm....doesn't.

Amy: Oh, no! My beautiful money! Dr. Zoidberg: It's toe-tappingly tragic! Bender: I was a hero to broken robots, because I was one of them! But how can I sing about being damaged if I'm not? That's like Christina Aguilera singing in Spanish. Wait, that's it - I'll fake it! Bender: So can I keep the money? Art Garfunkel's Descendant: Over my dead career. Hermes: Way to go Bender. You got mutilated and now you're going to be a Folk singer. Both our dreams came true!

Fry: Drugs are for losers, and hypnosis is for losers with big weird eyebrows. [Representatives from the Globetrotter planet challenge Earth to a basketball game.] Fry: What happens if we lose? Bubblegum Tate: Nothing! There's nothing at stake, and no threat. Beyond the shame of defeat.

[A temporal distortion has caused Fry to lose the basketball game.] Leela: Now all the planets are going to start cracking wise about our mothers. Hermes Conrad: [tearfully] I'm just glad my fat ugly momma isn't alive to see this. Professor Farnsworth: Enough about your promiscuous mother, Hermes! Fry: Put me in the game, Professor! I've got mad skills. Professor Farnsworth: Hmm. Will said skills pay the bills? Bubblegum Tate: Sweet Clive! Laugh derisively at him! Professor Farnsworth: Doomsday device? Ah, now the ball's in Farnsworth's court! [Farnsworth presses a button, revealing an arsenal of doomsday weapons.] Professor Farnsworth: I suppose I could part with one and still be feared... Bender: My life, and by extension everyone else's, is meaningless. Professor Farnsworth: By Tuesday it'll be Thursday. By Wednesday, it'll be August. And by Thursday, it'll be the end of existence as we know it! Professor Farnsworth: There you go, apparently. Fry: I still don't know what I did to make Leela love me. Hermes: Maybe you're just a fantastic lover, Fry. Amy: Um, no. Zoidberg: It's okay, you still have Zoidberg. [shouting] You all still have Zoidberg!

TV show character: Why should I believe you? You're Hitler! Fry: For one brief moment, I felt the heartbeat of creation, and it was one with my own. Amy: Big deal. Bender: We all feel like that all the time. Professor Farnsworth: Oh dear! She's stuck in an infinite loop, and he's an idiot! Well, that's love for you. Sal: So it's always been your dreams to destroy a planet? Fry: Yeah, what have they ever done for me!

Fry: My only other dreams is to be invisible in a choclate factory and to date a celebirty. Bender: I can hit you over the head until you think that's what happend.

Bender: When will man learn that all races are equally inferior to robots? Bender: [on a cell phone] Hey, you add a one and 2 zeros to that or we walk! Leela: How much did you make me? Bender: One hundred dollars.

Leela: Strike one! A personal best! Bob Uecker: Welcome to Fenway Park, home of the Boston Poindexters, where the Mets close out a season that will rank among mankind's most awful crimes. Leela: (signing autographs) Who am I making this out to? Girl: ummm... eBAY. Leela: That's a popular name today. Little "e", big "B"? Fry: Incredible! This place is just like the ancient Egypt of my day. Slave Driver: That is no coincidence, for our people visited your Egypt thousands of years ago. Fry: I knew it! Insane theories, one; regular theories, a billion. Slave Driver: We learned many things from the mighty Egyptians, such as pyramid-building, space travel and how to prepare our dead so as to scare Abbott and Costello. (Fry laughs.) Fry: Also Wolfman! [The Pharaoh of Osiris IV has died and the priest lists things being buried with him.] High Priest of Osiris IV: ...And the many goods he left in his royal garage. [garbage truck dumps contents of garage] High Priest of Osiris IV: Also, this bag of cats our culture considers holy. High Priest of Osiris IV: Great wall of prophecy, reveal to us God's will, that we may blindly obey! Other Priests: Free us from thought and responsibility. High Priest of Osiris IV: We shall read things off you! Other Priests: Then do them. High Priest of Osiris IV: Your words guide us!

Other priests: We're dumb. Leela: This society is a bunch of idiots. Random Slave: Pharaoh Bender! He once more walks among the living! Bender: How we doin'? Fry: All rightit's Saturday night. I have no date, a two liter bottle of Shasta and my all-Rush mix tape. Let's rock! Professor Farnsworth: It worked! Eat it, everyone who's never won a Nobel prize, and that includes you Amy! Fry: Wait a second, I know that monkey. His name is Donkey. Professor Farnsworth: Monkeys aren't donkeys! Quit messin' with my head. Voiceover: You watched it! You can't unwatch it! Bender: Now, you say you're off to see the professor? 'Cause I could use a heart. A human heart. I need to pump a lot of blood out of my basement. Professor Farnsworth: After all, who needs courage when you havea gun! Professor Farnsworth: You need a brain, eh Scarecrow. Fry: Why do people keep saying that? Fry: Leela, are you alright? You got wanged on the head. Leela: I was having the most wonderful dream. Except you were there, and you were there, and you were there. Leela: Why did you bring us here? Zoidberg: And why did I have to take a cab!?

Bender: You mean I can eat nachos and go to the bathroom at the same time? Leela: There's no place like - I wanna be a witch! Lrrr: We need laundry too! Have you smelt Donkey Kong's loincloth recently? Zoidberg: Yes. Mom: (pounding the mirror-like cryatal ball angrily) Damn this DSL! Fry: I've never seen a supernova blow up, but if it's anything like my old Chevy Nova, it'll light up the night sky. Bender: That's no flying saucer! That's my ass! Professor Farnsworth: For example, if you killed your grandfather, you'd cease to exist! Fry: But existing is basically all I do! Fry: We're in the middle of nowhere, which is the safest part of nowhere. President Truman: Take this to Area 51. Soldier: But sir, that's where we're building the fake moon landing set. President Truman: Then we'll have to REALLY land on the Moon! Invent NASA and tell them to get off their fannies! President Truman: Why have you come here? Are you planning on making some alien-human hybrid? Dr. Zoidberg: Are you coming on to me?! President Truman: Hot crackers! I take exception to that! Dr. Zoidberg: I'm not hearing a 'no'...

Professor Farnsworth: Choke on that, causality! Professor Farnsworth: Ooh, a lesson in not changing history from mister "I'm-my-own-grandpa"! Let's get the hell out of here already! Screw history! Dr. Zoidberg: The president is gagging on my gas bladder! What an honor! Fry: You can't give up hope just because it's hopeless. You gotta hope even more, and cover your ears and go like la la la la ... Bender: Oh cruel fate, to be thusly boned. Ask not for whom the bone bones, it bones for thee. Bender: Who would have known playing God could have such terrible consequences? God: When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all. [Fry and Leela have locked some monks in a laundry room.] Monk: Let us out! We cooked our shoes in the dryer and ate them. Now we're bored! Bender: You know, I was God once. God: Yes, I saw. You were doing well until everyone died. Malakai: I beseech thee, rise up against them, smite someone who deserves it for once. Leela: Fry, if I drop dead from exhaustion, make sure my body freezes in a dignified position; none of that huddled over for warmth crap.

[Bender inexplicably falls from space and lands right in front of Fry and Leela.] Leela: This is, by a wide margin, the least likely thing that has ever happened. God: It takes a gentle touch. Like a safecracker, or a pickpocket. Bender: Or a guy who burns down a bar for the insurance money! God: Exactly, if you make it look like an electrical thing. Bender: You can't count on God for jack! He pretty much told me so himself! God: Right and wrong are just words. What matters is what you do. [edit]

Future Stock

Bender: I'll vote it down like a raise for schoolteachers! Dr. Zoidberg: Once again, the conservative sandwich-heavy portfolio pays off for the hungry investor! Fry: If you want a job, I could beg everybody at the company where I work to give you one. Steve Castle: Awesome. Awesome to the max! Steve: What would you say if I said, "I'm worried about blank"? Fry: Don't you worry about blank. You let me worry about blank. Steve: Good. I would have also accepted "Blank? Blank?! You're not looking at the big picture!" Leela: Fry, we're worried about Planet Express. Fry: Don't you worry about Planet Express, let me worry about blank. Mom: Jam a bastard in it, you crap! Fry: Boneitis? Pft! That's a funny name for a horrible disease.

Fry: So, what's the deal? You guys don't believe in robot Jesus? Jewish Robot: We believe he was built and that he was a very well programmed robot but he wasn't our Messiah. Steve: Back in the eighties, I was the toast of Wall Street...I had whiskey with Boesky, and cookies with Milken. Steve: My only regret... is that I have... boneitis. Leela: Fry! Stop doing the right thing. We all want to be filthy stinking rich. Zoidberg: Trust me. Two out of three doesn't cut it. [ e d i t ]

T h e 3 0 % I r o n C h

e f
[Dr. Zoidberg has broken one of the professor's bottles.] Dr. Zoidberg: Oh no! The professor will hit me! But if Zoidberg fixes the bottlethen perhaps gifts! Morbo: Chef Elzar has been teaching earthlings to cook for over 30 years. Sadly, my wife has not been listening. Audience and Cohost laugh Morbo: I WILL DESTROY HER! [Bender kneads bread dough with his bottom.] Bubblegum Tate: I've never seen such powerful, confident strokes of the ass! Martha Stewart: You've never seen mine. Bubblegum Tate: (suggestively) No, I haven't. Elzar: No, I'm not teaching you to become a chef. Bender: But I watch your show, you owe me. [Dr. Zoidberg runs up to the stage of the full-packed, worldwide-televised Iron Cook stadium.] Dr. Zoidberg: Wait! Everyone must know! I broke the Professor's bottled ship, and what is worse, I framed my dearest friend: Fry. [Dr. Zoidberg begins to sob.] Dr. Zoidberg: I can never repay him his ten dollars, so I must take the only honorable path, what with the killing myself. [Zoidberg steals a sword from the presenter, Chairman Koji, and rips open his clothes with his claw.] Dr. Zoidberg: Here I go already, with the killing of myself! [Zoidberg stabs himself with sword, but it only buckles on his shell.] Chairman Koji: Aaah! That sword cost five thousin dorru!

Dr. Zoidberg: Fry did it! [Zoidberg flees.] Chairman Koji: [to Bender] Domo arigatou, Mr Roboto. [The Professor puts the "Essence of pure flavor" in a chemical analyzer.] Professor Farnsworth: Yes, ordinary water, laced with only a few spoonfuls of LSD. Hiroki: Aki, what's Elzar making? Aki: Well Hiroki-san, when I asked him, he asked what business it was of mine and conjectured that my mother was a prostitute. Martha Stewart: In the English countryside, many prostitutes decorate their rooms with festive gourds. Bender: I decline the title of Iron Chef and accept the lesser title of Zinc Saucier, which I just made up, it also comes with double prize money.

Scruffy: Scruffy's rolling out a large pill. [Amy and Kif are in the Holo-shed. A pony gallops by.] Amy: Spirit! Kif, that's the pony I always wanted but my parents said I had too many ponies already. Kif: Yes, I programmed it in for you. Four million lines of BASIC! Attila the Hun: Stop! Don't shoot fire stick in space canoe! Cause explosive decompression! Zapp: Spare me your space age technobabble, Attila the Hun! [After learning that Leela is the biological parent of Kif's child] Zapp: Leela, how could you? Our love has had to endure your constant hatred and now this?! [Whining] Stop testing our love! Amy: You trashed my party board? Mrs. Wong: Damn right! Now you're a mom, the only surfing you do is under a big wave of responsibility! Kif: Amy! Is it you or have I gone crazy with loneliness? Bender: Both! Midwife: I will now take my leave of you. I live here, so I won't actually be going anywhere, but you don't have to talk to me anymore! Leela: Everyone who was invited is here. Dr. Zoidberg: Also Zoidberg. [In the castle, evil holograms begin to come to life.] Amy: Look, it's Spirit!

[Spirit, ridden by Attila the Hun, breathes fire] Kif Kroker: And that's Professor Moriarty!...Jack the Ripper!...EVIL LINCOLN! Professor Moriarty: Right-ho, gents, it's another simulation gone mad, so murder and mayhem, standard procedure. [The evil projections begin to destroy the simulation] Evil Lincoln: Real holographic-simulated Evil Lincoln is BACK! Fry: I didn't ask for a completely reasonable excuse! I asked you to get busy! Leela: I usually try to keep my sadness pent up inside where it can fester quietly as a mental illness. Fry: Yeah, I do that with my stupidness. Hermes: It looks like toxic waste. And it smells like toxic waste! Fry: What does it taste like? Hermes: Delicious fig pudding! Ooh, that's good. But, a distinct aftertaste of toxic waste. Fry: Leela, freak out later. We're not done escaping yet! Mutant: He ruined my wedding dress. Bender: Honey, that dress was ruined the minute it went on you. That's what I'm talking about. Fry: Isn't that the machine that makes noses? Professor Farnsworth: It can do other things, why shouldn't it! Professor: You all remember Leela's orphanage, right? Fry: Yeah, we talk about it all the time. Leela: Really? Fry: Nope. Burn! [high fives Bender] Professor: Well done fellows.

Planet Express Ship: Oh honey, look! The Tapirs! It says here that the babies lose their pyjama-like coat after their first year. Isn't that interesting, honey? Bender: Yup. Mind-numbingly interesting. Dummy #1: Is heaven missing an angel? 'Cause you've got nice cans! Dummy #2: My two favorite things are commitment and changing myself. Leela: Does that dummy have a brother? [Lrrr and Ndnd are watching Friends on TV.] Lrrr: This is ancient Earth's most foolish program. Why does Ross, the largest friend, not simply eat the other five? Ndnd: Perhaps he is saving them for sweeps. Professor Farnsworth: With that big new Romanticorp contract, I've been able to make those government-mandated upgrades you've all been suing me about. Fry: How can you date a ship, anyway? It'd me like me dating a really fat lady, and living inside her, and she'd be all like [gestures and makes airplane noises]. Leela: Doesn't it bother you even a little that you're taking advantage of your girlfriend's trust? Bender: [laughing] Oh, wait, you're serious. Let me laugh even harder. Ndnd: [reading a candy heart] What is this emotion you call 'wuv'? Lrrr: Surely it says 'love'! Ndnd: No, 'wuv'! With an earth W! Behold! Lrrr: This concept of "wuv" confuses and infuriates us!!!!! Planet Express Ship: Leela, me and Bender need to talk, so I'll have to turn off the oxygen.

Planet Express Ship: Bender! I saw you with those two sleazy femmebots at the restaurant! Explain that! Bender: Okay, I like a challenge.

Planet Express Ship: (to Leela) You're just jealous. No one loves you because you're tiny and made of meat.

Leela: (to Planet Express Ship) Don't worry. I'm sure Bender is taking this just as hard as you are.

Bender: Bender is great, BENDER IS GREAT! Zoidberg:[Epilogue] As the candy hearts poured into the fiery quasar, a wonderous thing happened, why not? They vaporized into a mystical love radiation that spread across the universe, destroying many, many planets, including two gangster planets and a cowboy world. But one planet was exactly the right distance to see the romantic rays, but not be destroyed by them - Earth. So, all over the world, couples stood together in joy - and me, Zoidberg! - and no one could've been happier unless it would've also been Valentine's Day...what? It was? Hurray! Leela: Oh, I completely forgot! I left my apartment on fire! Professor Farnsworth: Good news, anyone! The Swedish supercollider I ordered came in! Swedish Robot: Enjoy your affordable Swedish crap. [Later in the episode, Farnsworth is shot from his lab]

Professor Farnsworth: Bad news, nobody. The supercollider superexploded! I need you to take it back and exchange for a wobbly CD rack and some of those rancid meatballs. [Fry and Leela discovered a cream that can cause super-powers, and are seeing which they have.] Leela: Super strength? Fry: Yep. Leela: Lickity speed? Fry: Check. Leela: Ability to command the loyalty of sea creatures? Fry: Hey, Zoidberg, get in here! Dr. Zoidberg: Screw you! Leela: Ain't got that. Mugger: Give me your wallets now or my robot will shoot. Andrew : Don't make me hurt you. Fry: I'm too scared to find my pocket. Here, I'll just take off my pants and give you those. Leela: [as Clobberella] Listen up, New New York! There's a new group of superheroes in town, and we're gonna... Hattie McDougal: Quiet! It's 4 AM and I just fell asleep for the first time in thirty years! Leela: Sorry! [whispering] And a new era of justice has begun. Hattie McDougal: What!? Fry: Wow! A superpowers drug you can just rub onto your skin? You'd think it would be something you'd have to freebase. Leela: Uh, professor, isn't it time for your nap? Professor Farnsworth: [angrily] Yes, dammit!

Fry: I feel like I was mauled by Jesus. [Fry and Leela have run out of their superpowers cream, but are pretending they still have their powers.] Museum Guy: Hey Captain Yesterday! Can I, like, whale on you with this two-by-four and it totally wouldn't hurt? Fry: [gets hit by two-by-four] Oh! That... didn't hurt Fry: Uh, Leela, how you gonna meet your folks tomorrow? We've already scheduled the Zookeeper for a 9 AM foiling at the museum. Leela: Not a problem. I've cleverly arranged to meet my parents right there at the same museum at 10. Bender: 910a big fat hen. The name's Bender! Teddy Roosevelt's Head: A man boxing a kangaroo is a peculiar spectacle. But a kangaroo boxing a robot? Now you've just lost me! [edit]

A Taste of Freedom

Nixon's Head: My fellow Earthicans, we enjoy so much freedom, it's almost sickening. We're free to choose which hand our sex-monitoring chip is implanted in, and if we don't want to pay our taxes, why, we're free to spend a weekend with the Pain Monster. Pain Monster: See ya April 15th, folks! Nixon's Head: In our darkest hour, we can stand erect, with proud upthrust bosoms. Fry: Anyone who laughs is a communist! Old Man Waterfall: Son, as far as I'm concerned, robots are just tin cans with sparks coming out of them. Bender: [sadly] The sparks keep me warm. Dr. Zoidberg: Ambassador Mervin, you killed my lawyer! Ambassador Mervin: You're welcome.

Dr. Zoidberg: Do you think that maybe all this oppression is schmutzing up our freedom lesson? Ambassador Mervin: Ah, take a pill, Zoidberg! Dr. Zoidberg: That's why I love Earth. You can do what you want, and no one makes you feel guilty because no one cares. Fry: We're not listening! Dr. Zoidberg: That's what I'm talking about! [Zoidberg is recounting parts of his childhood.] [He is a child, wearing a comical suit, standing in front of his mother] Mother: Sure, you can be a comedian instead of a doctor - If you want your parents to roll over in their graves! [grown up Zoidberg is at a polling center] Decapod man: Sure, you can vote for Shkinadel - If you want there should be a recession! [Zoidberg is again, facing his mother, this time grown up, holding suitcases] Mother: Sure, you can go to medical school - If you've given up on your dream of being a comedian! Fry: Hey, wait, I'm having one of those thingsyou know, a headache with pictures. Leela: An idea? Fry: Mmm! Mmm hmm! Zapp Brannigan: Remember, men, take him alive so there's something left to kill. Old Man Waterfall: Do ya worst, ya sea devils! Ah'll make ma stand with Old Freebie! You can crush me, but you can't crush ma spirit! [A massive claw crushes him.] Old Man Waterfall: Argggghhh! My spirit!

Antonio: I'm sorry father, but somewhere along the way, I forgot how to be your son! Calculon: Why Antonio, why? Antonio: Because I have... amnesia! Calculon: That was so terrible, I think you gave me cancer! Calculon: I've seen better acting from extras in Godzilla movies. Network President: "Bite my shiny metal ass" could be a catchphrase. Woman: Have you ever been on TV before? Bender: Once, when I took those hostages. Calculon: I saw that, you were good. Professor Farnsworth: I'll be the judge of who's 'cool'... with my Coolometer! [Prof Farnsworth scans Hubert and Dwight] Professor Farnsworth: Good Lord! I'm getting a reading of over 50 MegaFonzies! Leela: Kids don't turn rotten just from watching TV. Fry: Yeah. Give a little credit to our public schools.

Bender: Have you ever tried simply turning off the tv, sitting down with your children and hitting them? Bender: Bender must be stopped. I've gone too far. Who does that guy think I am? Bender: (to security guard) This angry mob's with me. Futurama Logo is shown: Bender's voice: You're watching Futurama, the show that dosen't encourage the cool crime of robbery.

Bender: Interesting. No, wait, the other thing: tedious.

Prof. Farnsworth: [after repeated warnings go unheeded] PROFESSOR! LAVA! HOT! Bender: Fry, I'm sorry. I should have understood how someone can love an inferior creature, because I love you. Not in the way of the ancient Greeks, but in the way a robot loves a human, a human loves a dog, and occasionally, a gorilla loves a kitty. Fry: Bender, this has nothing to do with you! Bender: That's impossible! Bender: Truly, they were as gods who built this place! Fry: You can see how I lived before I met you. Bender: You lived before you met me?! Fry: Yeah, lots of people did. Bender: Really?!

Scientist: I've got a degree in homeopathic medicine! Civil Defense Van: You've got a degree in baloney! [A film on global warming in the future] Announcer: "Global Warming, or: None Like it Hot!" [A little girl named Susie steps outside with an ice cream cone. When she attempts to lick it, it instantly melts and she begins crying] Announcer:[chuckles] I bet you're wondering why your ice cream went away. Well Susie, the culprit isn't foreigners; it's GLOBAL WARMING! Susie:Gwobal Wapum? Announcer: Uhh, yeah. [Cut to animation of a sunbeam walking to Earth] Announcer: Meet Mr. Sunbeam. He comes all the way from the sun to visit Earth! Mr. Sunbeam: Hello, Earth! Just poppin' in to brighten up your day! La la la la la la la... and now, I'll be on my way. Greenhouse Gas: Not so fast, Sunbeam! We're greenhouse gases...and you ain't goin' NOWHERE. [Greenhouse gas cartoons beat up Mr. Sunbeam. Sunbeam begins yelping from the pain] Mr. Snbeam: Oh, God! It hurts! Announcer: Pretty soon, Earth is chock-full of sunbeams. Their rotting corpses heating our atmosphere.

[Greenhouse Gasses begin to snicker and laugh meanly as they count the money they got from every Sunbeam] Susie: How do we get wid of the gweenhouse gwases? Announcer: Fortunately, our handsomest politicians came up with a cheap, last-minute way to combat global warming. Ever since 2063, we simply drop a giant ice cube into the ocean, every now and then. Susie: Just wike Daddy puts ice in his dwink evewy mowning!...and then he gets mad. Announcer: Of course, since the greenhouse gasses are still building up, it takes more and more ice each time. Thus solving the problem once and for all. Susie: But... Announcer: ONCE AND FOR ALL! [Halley's comet is out of ice, leaving no way to stop global warming] Fry: My God! It's out of ice! Like some outer space Motel 6! Leela: [gasps] Completely out of ice?! Bender: This could mean the end of the banana daquiri as we know it! [pause] Also life. Morbo: Morbo wishes these stalwart nomads peace among the Dutch tulips. Linda: I'm sure those windmills will keep them cool. Morbo: WINDMILLS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY! GOOD NIGHT! Announcer: Thank you all for coming. It is my pleasure to introduce the host of the Kyoto Global Warming Conventions, the Inventor of the Environment, and first Emperor of the Moon, Al Gore! (Al Gore's severed head in a jar appears in a stand) Al Gore: I have ridden the mighty moon worm! (audience applause and cheer) Fry: (clapping at the same time) Good for him. Al Gore: My fellow Earthicans, as I discuss in my book Earth in the Balance, and the much more popular Harry Potter And The Balance Of Earth, we need

to defend our planet against pollution. As well as dark wizards. (audience cheers on and claps their hands) Dark Wizard: Sure, blame the wizards! Al Gore: That's why I'm offering a bag of moon sapphires to the first person who solves this problem once and for all. (audience goes "ooh" and "ahh" at the sight of the Sapphires) Lovely, aren't they? Dark Wizard: Sapphires? (laughs menacingly) With those jewels, I could open the Gate of Karrash! Al Gore: I must go now to help collect cans on Jupiter. Peace out, y'all!! (two rockets pop out of his jar and is launched up to space towards the sky) Audience: (chanting) Destroy all robots! Bender: Fry, as you know, there are lots of things I'm willing to kill forjewels, vengeance, Father O'Mallee's weed-whacker. But at long last I've found something I'm willing to die forthis mindless turtle. Fry: Bender, this world isn't good enough for you. Bender: Not even close. Goodbye everybody! Don't touch my stuff after I'm deadit's booby-trapped! Young Professor Farnsworth: We still have one problem though: This robot will never meet emission standards. Mom: Crap spackle! We'll just call it a sport utility robot and classify it as a light truck. Bender: Everyone shut up and listen to me, Bender! Now, I love life's pleasures as much as anyone here-with the possible exception of you, Hedonism Bot. [Cut to Hedonism Bot lounging and eating grapes] Bender: But we need to be shut off-especially you, Hedonism Bot! Hedonism Bot: I apologize for nothing! Bender: We pollute too much! We're ruining the environment and killing the turtles! Preacher Bot: Who gives a damn about the stupid turtles?

Bender: Nobody insults a turtle in front of me! [Lunges at him] Hedonism Bot: Let the games begin! Bender: When I grow up, I want to be a steam shovel! Professor Farnsworth: The Fountain Of Aging? Hmm, it is just a legend. Still, they called the Tooth Fairy a legend and now he's head of the FBI. Professor Farnsworth: I've got to find a way to escape the horrible ravages of youth. Suddenly, I'm going to the bathroom like clockwork, every three hours. And those jerks at Social Security stopped sending me checks. Now I have to pay them! Heather: Sir, it's not necessary or wise to be naked. Professor Farnsworth: You sound just like my tennis instructor. Leela: Oh, Lord! Teeth do not belong in your pants, professor. Professor Farnsworth: Well, I can't keep them in my mouth, they're nuclearpowered! Professor Farnsworth: With my last breath ... I curse Zoidberg! Pazuzu(the Gargoyle): And that, little one, is how papa got his freedom. Now bonne nuit, bonne nuit to you all! Farnsworth: Oh, I don't have time for this. I have to go and buy a single piece of fruit with a coupon and then return it, making people wait behind me while I complain. Fry: He still sounds sorta old. Sorta real old. [The Nibblonians gasp and chatter.] Male Nibblonian: Does he not know?

Nibbler: He does not know. Female Nibblonian: He knows not? Nibbler: Knows not does he. Nibblonian: Not he knows? Male Nibblonian: Enough! Fry, it is my duty to inform you that the fate of humanity, the fate of our race, indeed the fate of all that exists and all that will exist rests with you. You are the single most important person in the universe. Fry: Oh snap! [Chaz and Leela are going to dinner at Elzar's otherwise empty restaurant.] Elzar: Table for two? Right this way. Chaz: Actually, we don't have a reservation, but as you can see, I'm the Mayor's aide. Table for two, Please. Elzar: Ok then. Fry: I did do the nasty in the past-y. Nibblonian: Verily! And that past nastification is what shields you from the brains. You are the last hope of the universe. Fry: So I really am important? How I feel when I'm drunk is correct? Nibbloninan: Yes, except the Dave Matthews Band doesn't rock. Brain: [referring to Fry] Detecting trace amounts of mental activity. Possibly a dead weasel or a cartoon viewer. Fry: Hey, wait! This thing knows everything, right? Nibbler: Yes, which is why you're supposed to be setting off a bomb!! Fry: Wait, I can't miss this opportunity to learn the answers to some of the bigger questions? Umm, is it true that postage stamp glue is made of Giant Brain: Correct! Toad mucus. (scene of a postal worker ringing mucus out of a toad) Nibbler: Fry, you must set off the bomb! Fry: Okay, just one more. Ummm, what really killed the dinosaurs? Giant Brain: Me! (scene of the Giant Brain zapping dinosaurs)

Nibbler: What's one life weighed against an entire universe? Fry: [beginning to cry] But it was my life! Giant Brain #1: You have no means of escape. If you press that button, you will be trapped in the other universe with us. Giant Brain #2: And we'll form a tightly-knit clique that you won't be part of! Master Brain: I have shocking data relevant to this conversation! Giant Brain: We don't care, you big dope. We're in another universe. You're not in charge any more! Fry: But I know you in the future. I cleaned your poop. Nibbler: Quite possible. We live long and are celebrated poopers. Brain: We could sing American Pie. Fry: Go ahead, I deserve it. Infosphere: (Robotic Voice) Beavers mate for life, 11 greater than 4, (adopts cheesy american accent) For quality carpets visit Caplan's carpet warehouse! Nibbler: Thank you for helping us destroy the Brainspawn, Fry. Fry: No prob. But hey, if you ever need a savior again, just let me know. Nibbler: Oh, we will. We will.

Melllvar: Tremble before my encyclopedic knowledge of Star Trek! Bender: Uh, can people who hate Star Trek leave? Walter Koenig: Good question! Melllvar: No, you have to stay even longer.

William Shatner: We're just pawns in his diabolical game of checkers! Takei: With pleasure. You see, the show was banned after the Star Trek wars. Brannigan: You mean after the vast migration of Star Wars fans? Nichols: No, that was the Star Wars trek. Melllvar: If I can't have the original cast of Star Trek, no one will! Fry: I'm literally angry with rage. Walter Koenig: And when we woke up, we had these bodies. Fry: Say it in Russian! Walter Koenig: [sighs] Ven ve voke up, ve had these wodies. Fry: [delighted] Eeeeee! Now say "nuclear wessels"! Walter Koenig: No! Melllvar: [getting autographs from the cast] Could you make it out to Melllvar? Melllvar has three L's. George Takei: I think I've been to enough conventions to know how to spell Melllvar. Leela: There. We can make these into spears. Fry: And we can tie these caterpillars together to make bows and arrows! Bender: And we can use this machine gun to shoot them! Yahooo! (fires machine gun into air until it runs out of ammo) Well that was fun. William Shatner: Wasnt there an episode where I threw my shoe at the enemy? Leonard Nimoy: You mean Doohan?

William Shatner: Whoever it was, I did it like this.

William Shatner:[Jumping up and down on one foot.] My foot's cold.

Leela: Burn on that old crew! The only things they did better than us were suck and die! Fry: Listen to me! You don't want to lie in bed like a vegetable and do nothing the rest of your life. I've tried it. Bedsores hurt! Fry: Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun? Leela: OK! I'm insane. But I'm still sane enough to know it. Leela: I'll find Fry's coffin, get his corpse, and keep it under my mattress to remind me that he's really dead. That'll prove I'm not insane! Professor Farnsworth: Of course Fry still exists ... as a frozen corpse in outer space! [chuckles momentarily, then suddenly stops, despondent] Oh. I made myself sad. Amalgamated Priest: I barely knew Philip, but as a clergyman I have no problem telling his most intimate friends all about him. Hermes: Soothe us with sweet, sweet lies. Leela: Is this some sort of brain scanner? Professor Farnsworth: Some sort, yes. In France it's called a guillotine. [Leela dodges the blade as the professor drops it.] Leela: Professor! Can't you examine my brain without removing it? Professor Farnsworth: Yes, easily. Leela: Were you guys just singing? Bender: No, we were telling you not to worry. [turns away] I'm not allowed to sing. Court order.

Amalgamated Priest: It may comfort you to know that Fry's death only took 15 seconds yet the pain was so intense that it felt to him like 15 years. And it goes without saying that it caused him to empty his bowels. Zoidberg: I should warn you. I'm a mean drunk.

Bender: I'm so embarrassed. I just wish everybody else was dead. Hermes: Jamaicans have other interests! Which is why the limbo team got detained at the airport. Hermes: Barbados Slim! I thought you were in Barbados! Barbados Slim: Yes, and I'll be goin' back dere soon with a gold medal draped around my elegant shoulders! LaBarbera: Go Hermes! Beat that Mahogany God!

Bender: Just once I'd like to eat dinner with a celebrity who isn't bound and gagged. Humorbot 5.0: Anecdote accepted. Snappy comeback not found. Calculon: Oh, how cruel and melodramatic fate is! Calculon: Quick! Somebody call a DocZoidberg: I came as soon as I could. Coilette: I marry Calculon, divorce him, take half his money and turn back into a guy. It's sort of a two-person pyramid scheme. Coilette: Come on, you never went on a date with a guy just 'cause you were hungry? Leela: Well I...uh...I thought I might like him on a full stomach. Wernstrom: Ladies and gentlemen, my Killbot features Lotus Notes and a machine gun. It is the finest available. Professor Farnsworth: Like fun it is, you glass-headed wallaby! Wernstrom: No one calls me that! I'm having at you! Bender: I'm sorry, guys. I never meant to hurt you. Just to destroy everything you ever believed in. Bender: We'll soon stage an attack on technology worthy of being chronicled in an anthem by Rush! Bender: The modern world can bite my splintery wooden ass! Bender: I say the whole world must learn of our peaceful waysby force!!

[Bender is angrily stomping on CDs] Bender: Take that Beethoven you deaf bastard! Bender: Save my friends! And Zoidberg! [The Planet Express crew is trapped under the ship, surrounded by a ring of burning fuel.] Hermes: Bender, hurry! This fuel's expensive! [pause] Also, we're dying! Bender: Friends, I've come to free you from your complicated livesfree you from the complicated part, I mean, not the lives part. Bender: When I screamed help I didn't mean you. Robot 1-X: I apologize; however, I was able to do your job before saving your life. Bender: So what's your problem? Sinclair: Not enough hm...duh. Bender: Memory? Sinclair: Oh, great. Now I remember that word, but I forgot my wife's face. [The lights at Planet Express go out.] Professor Farnsworth: Oh, I'm blind! Leela: Professor, we have no power. Professor Farnsworth: What do you mean, no power? We're living in the future! Bender: And now technology shall taste the lash of the hickory switch! Bender: If that stuff wasn't real, how can I be sure anything is real? Is it not possible, nay, probable, that my whole life is just a product of my or someone else's imagination? Man: No, get out. Next!

Bender: (Crying) It's true! I'm a hideous triumph of form and function! Professor Farnsworth: Good news everyone, I'm still technically alive. But I need you to get rid of this crazy ass experiment. [The lab is collapsing.] Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Buddha! Zeus! God! One of you guys, do something! Satan, you owe me! [The Zoidbergs knock over the shelf containing the universes.] Leela: Oh no! Which one did they go into? Professor Farnsworth: Yes, let's all ask each other! That will solve this problem! [Leela is standing guard over the forbidden box.] Leela: Well, I got through the night and no one looked in the box. Not even me. The person who gave up her whole evening to watch it. A whole evening of TV gone. What a mockery of justice that I can't take even a little tiny peek. [sighs] I need coffee. [She walks to the coffee machine and is about to put the coin in but looks back at the box.] Leela: OK, heads I look, tails I don't. [She flips the coin and covers it. She lifts her hand and smiles.] Leela: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah! Heads! I mean, alright then. [pause] No! I have a duty not to look. Well, then again, I promised the coin I would. Alternate Farnsworth: And when you create a parallel universe it's almost always populated by evil twins. Alternate Bender: This is awful. Somewhere there's a more evil Bender than me! I do my best, damnit! Leela: But I'm not evil. My loan officer says I'm not.

Alternate Farnsworth: Ohhh, you'd like us to believe that wouldn't you, Leela? Or should I say 'Evila'? Leela: They're not evil! But don't be confused. They are jerks. Fry: It's like that drug-trip I saw in that movie when I was on that drug-trip. Professor Farnsworth: Yes, it's the apocalypse all right. I always thought I'd have a hand in it. [In 420 Universe]: Zoidberg: Quick, into another box! Alternate Zoidberg: There aren't any in this universe, there aren't! Hey you, what with the no boxes? 420 Farnsworth: Baby, they're somewhere, everything's like somewhere. Alternate Farnsworth: There they are! Farnsworth: Gotcha! 420 Farnsworth: Dig it, all of you fitting in this box is like seriously freaked up Alternate Farnsworth: Nonsense! Why, there's a whole universe in there. 420 Farnsworth: Dude, There's a Universer in all of us. 420 Amy: Right on, Professor Freaksworth [420 Farnsworth walks over to Farnsworth and offers him a flower: Farnsworth: Get a job! Fry: The butter in my pocket is melting! [edit]

Three Hundred Big Boys

Hermes: With a warning label this big, you know they gotta be fun! Hermes: Isn't this fun? Dwight: No! I wish I had two mommies! Kif: It's powered by love. Also, you have to wind it.

Scruffy: Scruffy's formulated a plan. But you'll need a ready source of nauseating rotten fish. Elzar: Here you go, big spender. Foie Gras and caviar. Dr. Zoidberg: Goose liver? Fish eggs? Where's the goose? Where's the fish? Elzar: Hey, that's what rich people eat. The garbage parts of the food. Dr. Zoidberg: I ate garbage yesterday, and it didn't cost me $300! Fry: Of course I was up all night. Not because of caffeine, it was insomnia. I couldn't stop thinking about coffee. Fry: Fancy cigar. Why don't you smoke it already?! Puff! Puff! Go-go-go-gogo!!! Bender: Nah, you don't blow the smoke from such a magnificent stogie in just anyone's face. [Fry, spending his money on lots of coffee, and is on edge.] Fry: This isn't Yemeni, it's Sulawesi. And my cup's shaking, I don't want my coffee shaking! Cop: Better do what he says. He's a whale biologist. Dr. Zoidberg: I ask for rich guy stuff, and you give me shiny pebbles? BAH! [Morbo's wife is adjusting his tie.] Morbo: Stop it, stop it. It's fine. I will destroy you! Richard Nixon's Head: The loot! The loot! The loot is on fire! [ e d i

t ]

S p a n i s h F r y
Ranger Park: Hi. I'm Ranger Park, the Park Ranger Fry: I get it! Linda: Alien abductions. Until now, a harmless nuisance. But recently they've taken on a sinister dimension as unsuspecting victims are returned without noses. Morbo: The culprits? Shameless poachers, hunting humans without a permit. Linda: The valuable nose, or "human horn", fetches a high price on alien worlds as an aphrodisiac. Morbo: Demand for "human horn" is great, due in part to titillating scenes from depraved alien TV programs too filthy for Earth broadcast. Let's watch. Fry: It's no use. We've been to every scuzzy bazaar in the galaxyincluding Pottery Barn. Alien: Hey, I'm a porno-dealing monster. What do I care what you think? Lrrr: You got any, uhyou know, uh

Alien: Speak up! You're muttering. Lrrr: I said I uhhumanhorn Alien: You're not a cop, are you? Lrrr: Oh, no. I'm justsome guyruler of the planet Omicron Persei VIII! Fry: Hey, I'm normally the first one to toot my own lower horn Bender: I'll say! Woo! Fry: but this time I just don't think it will do any good. Bender: That's what she said! Woo! Bender: Boy, who knew a cooler could also make a handy wang coffin? Fry: Bigfoot! He's real! I knew it! The Loch Ness Monster's book was right! Scientist: I have combined the DNA of the world's most evil animals to make the most evil creature of them all Experiment: It turns out it's man.

Robot Devil: You can't just have your characters announce how they feel! That makes me feel angry! Robot Devil: So, it's back to hell for me. Come on, Nixon!

Bender: I don't recall ever fighting Godzilla, but that is so what I would've done! Bender: You may have to "metaphorically" make a deal with the "devil." And by "devil," I mean Robot Devil. And by "metaphorically," I mean "get your coat." Robot Devil: Calculon, old friend, I'm afraid I need your ears. Calculon: Well, I do owe you for giving me this unholy [overdramatically] ACTING TALENT! [Robot Devil takes Calculon's ears off and installs them on Leela] Leela: I can hear! I can hear like a safecracker! Bender: Aww, you know what always cheers me up? Laughing at other people's misfortunes. [Proceeds to laugh at Fry] Robot Devil: Well it so happens I'm in the mood to make a deal with you. Bender: Forget it. You can't tempt me. Robot Devil: Really? There's nothing you want? Bender: Hmm. I forgot you could tempt me with things I want. Fry: Stop being such a baby and chop my hands off! [Leela touches Fry's robotic hands.] Leela: Aaah! They're so cold! Robot Devil: [off-screen] And yet Hell is so hot! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! Can I have my hands back? Fry: No! Robot Devil: You're not nice! Dr. Zoidberg: The beauty was in your heart, not your hands! [Fry plays, but the music sounds awful.]

Dr. Zoidberg: Your music is bad and you should feel bad! Hedonism Bot: Surgery, in an opera? How wonderfully decadent! Announcer: Places everyone! Places for Act 2! Hedonism Bot: But I'm not done vomiting! Hahahahaha! Fry: But I've never written an opera! Hedonism Bot: And I've never heard one! Still, if you can keep me amused through the overture, I will consider it a smashing success. Hedonism Bot: Let us cavort like the Greeks of old! (suggestively) You know the ones I mean. [The opera continues, with the main cast ad-libbing lines] Hermes: Is this really happening, or just being staged? Farnsworth: It can't be real. Amy: Not if Leela is engaged. Bender: [in tune, reading from a dictionary] The use of words expressing something other than their literal intention - Now that is irony! Leela: Please don't stop playing, Fry. I want to hear how it ends. [Fry plays the last scene of his opera - him and Leela kissing then walking into the horizon. End of series]