BANQUET by: Jos E. Romero Um...Sir? Yes, my friend? Eh...Nobody's....Um...Nobody's... What is it? Uh, nobod-- Say it louder, my boy!

Nobody's-- Say it! Hurry up and say it! Uh, nobody's coming to the party, seor. Uh... What the-- I know you are very surprised, sir. They called me, texted me, e-mailed me, and sent me their gifts to the newlyweds, but they're not coming. But...Why? What have I done to them that make us deserve such a horrible fate!?!? Please, tell me, my boy, what wrong have I done for them lately? Well, sir. It's not your fault. You didn't did anything. Only that, sir...They just don't wanna come to the party. I know, that, my boy, but... why? Everything's free. There's all the food and wine and dancing your heart will ever cherish. And I love them all...It makes no sense. Yes, sir; but sometimes, people don't wanna come. They won't join you because they won't join you,

period. Well, my boy; if you say so. What are the excuses, then? All right, sir; you ready to hear them? Well, no, but, let's seerip away. Okey-dokey then! Sigh. Groan. Dear seor: Please excuse me from your exquisite party. I would love to join you, but right now, I bought a timeshare condo over at the Orlando waterfront, and my wife has been begging me to take her there. Sorry, seor! But don't worry, we'll make it up to you. P.S. Save some fresh wine for me! What...? But that doesn't make any sense! There are no waterfront properties in Or-- It gets worse, sir. Dear seor: Please excuse me from your lavish party. I enjoy your celebrations, but this time, a business transaction has gone awry in Tokyo and I'm the only accountant currently available that can fix their books. Sorry, seor! But don't worry, we'll make it up to you. P.S. Tell your new daughter I said hi! What...? My daughter's already married. He always tried to hit on her! transaction...Something's funny, I say! What did the other person say? Well, sir...He didn't say anything. He didn't? Yeah; he only sent a mug shot from his son, Hadrian. Hadrian? Didn't he... That one, sir! Oh...Oh, my! I thought that was Nero! No, he wasn't! He only stole two candy bars that last time! That little... Don't worry, he's finehe lives in Canada. Ohmakes sense why he doesn't Skype with me... And that business

Anyways, what we're gonna do? Everybody's been talking about this party for decades! They know you're the hottest man in town, and there are loads of people who barely glean at your castle from the outside. What are we gonna...What are we--!?!? Smack! Smack! Pull yourself together, mijo! Seor, wait! I have an idea! All right, go on. Seat fillers! We need people, we've got 'em! Now that we have the need, we can ask people to sign up and next week we can do a lotte-- No, there's no time! The party starts in 30 minutes! Oh, yeah, you're right. Making that list will take months! something...something that will... I dunno, there's gotta be

Outside, a reporter said, In other news, thousands and thousands of citizens are anxiously waiting outside of this castle for the live reception of this nation's first mega-wedding! The expectations are hot, making many economists ask themselves: how many dollars have been spent on this amazing extravaganza? Lightbulb! I've got an idea! What is it, sir? Call EVERYONE outside... Inside! But, sir... Your son doesn't know all of these plebeians! So? It won't matter. I know he'll agree. This is something he confided to me the night before the wedding. He said, 'I don't matter if I know the people or not; I only want everybody to rejoice with me. Things have been tough, Dad, and everyone needs a break.' But how will we do that? Easy! Open the gates and let everybody in! Won't the banquet hall be? Relax, my man: there's wine, food, dancing and space for everyone! Call my best and quickest tailors and designers stat! The time has come for us to celebrate! And if they don't wanna get in, force them until they do! C'mon, c'monthere's no time to waste! All right, but, uh... Go! Go now, and don't come back 'till this house is full!