The 12 Choices of Winners

THE 12 CHOICES OF WINNERS
I realize now that I was hugely disadvantaged by not knowing how to successfully manage by mind, emotions, or tread through the mire of conflict in my close relationships. The 12 Choices of Winners has given me insight, confidence and skills which, as I apply them, are bringing change, greater happiness, and a greater sense of control to my life. In addition, any-one on the spiritual journey will find this book gives the keys for self-realization. This book has assisted me personally towards becoming a self-realized Being, and offers the first major step on the Path of Spirituality. I highly recommend Jeff's book as a tool for enlightenment.
Angela May Longley BA. Social Anthropology, Grad Dip in Sociology, Platform Medium, Spiritual Healer and Teacher.
For many years I was trained to use practical skills, logic or mathematics to solve economic and financial problems. But when I was challenged with big decisions relating to my happiness, or understanding my behaviour, emotions, love life, balance as a person, or understanding my interaction with others, none of my previous skills worked for me. The 12 Choices of Winners is a fantastic book, and gave me the insight, tools and exercises to become a happier and successful person. Every time I re-read a paragraph, or repeat an exercise, I discover something new that adds to my balance and happiness. I highly recommend this book. Thanks Jeff.
Nicos Tescos, M.Appl.Sc(Engineering), BE(Mechanical Eng), Dip.Ag.Eng., COP. Senior Tutor / Lecturer in Mathematics-Statistics
If there was one book that I would thoroughly recommend that you read, then " The 12 Choices of Winners" would be it. Not only has this book changed my life: it has also saved my life. I now realize that I was hugely disadvantaged by not knowing how to manage my mind, emotions or tread through the mire of conflict in my close relationships. After reading the book not only do I feel more in control of my life but I am gaining the confidence and skills to change my life for the better. By applying these skills I know I have greater happiness, life skills, and sense of control over my life. In addition, any one on the spiritual journey will find this book provides the keys to support ones spiritual journey, and I use these on a daily basis. Reading and referring to it has proved to be a major help towards my spiritual growth. I highly recommend Jeff's book as a tool for spiritual realization.
Trish Stodard, mother, receptionist/telephonist
At last a book that brings all the personal development stuff under one roof. Its easy to read, understand and apply. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is serious about getting their life sorted.
Barbara Campbell, Traffic Management assistant
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Jeffery L. Saunders has been a counsellor, communications, and personal development educator for many years. He has taught in Christchurch, New Zealand at the University of Canterbury College of Education, and at Vision College. He has lectured to trainee teachers, practicing teachers, and to counsellor trainees. In addition he has taught personal and professional development courses to the public and corporates for over twenty years. A counsellor, individual and couples therapist, and life coach in private practice, he specialises in supporting those who are motivated to put in serious work to enhancing the quality of their lives. This book, and indeed the Spiritual Life Mastery Series, are a product of that commitment to these individuals. Details about this and other books in this series can be viewed on http://www.jefferysaunders.com. Videotaped and audiotaped versions of his Spiritual Life Mastery courses can also be accessed on this website. Jeffery Saunders also specialises in couples counselling which he lectured in for several years whilst training counsellors, and details of his work with couples can be found on http://www.couplescounselling4u.co.nz. He also offers relationship courses, and the videotaped and audiotaped versions of these can be accessed on http://www.spiritualrelationshipmastery.com.

Being Who You Are Designed To Be
Spiritual Life Mastery Series
Book 1
Jeffery L. Saunders
Cartoons written by Jeffery Saunders and illustrated by Paula Smulders

Planetary Publishing, http://www.Planetarypublising.com 47 Aotea Terrace, Huntsbury, Christchurch 8022, New Zealand. (C) Copyright August 2010, Jeffery L. Saunders This book is copyright. Except for the purpose of fair review, no part may be stored or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including recording or storage in any information retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publishers. No reproduction may be made, whether by photocopying or by any other means, unless a licence has been obtained from the publisher or its agent, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in a review or literary work. Unattributed quotations are by Jeffery Saunders. Quotes from Journey to Ixtlan by Carlos Castenada with permission from Random House. Names and details of individuals mentioned in case studies have been altered, and are not intended to represent anyone known to the author.
Paperback E-Book CD
ISBN: ISBN: ISBN:
ISBN 978-0-473-16186-6 ISBN 978-0-473-16187-3 ISBN 978-0-473-16188-0
Spiritual Life Mastery Series code: Paperback E-book CD ISSN ISSN ISSN
VSPM
1179-6774 1179-6782 1179-6790
BIC Classification:
National Library of New Zealand Cataloguing-in-Publication Data Saunders, Jeffery L. (Jeffery Lloyd), 1947The 12 choices of winners : being who you are designed to be / author Jeffery L. Saunders ; cartoons written by Jeffery Saunders and illustrated by Paula Smulders. (Spiritual life mastery series ; bk. 1) Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 978-0-473-16187-3 (internet) 978-0-473-16186-6 (pbk.) 978-0-473-16188-0 (compact disc) 1. Self-actualization (Psychology) I. Smulders, Paula, 1946- II. Series. III. Title. 158.1 dc 22
Dedications
To my many teachers, seen and unseen. I especially appreciate all that Ive learned from Hugh and Nina my parents, Swami Maitreyananda Mataji various channelled masters, and the special insights Ive received from students and clients.
Acknowledgements
I thank my students and clients especially from whom I have learned so much. Without the experiences I have had with these people, my knowledge would be dry and without life. I also appreciate the encouragement from many who have, over the years, asked me so often when will we be able to buy your book Jeff. My thanks to Gary Dix for helping me through my informal computer IT education so that I could self-publish, and to Heather Knox who ensured my text was readable, well organised, and professionally presented. My thanks also to Paula Smulders who took on the task of speedily drawing the cartoons to help me get this book into print, and for bringing the text alive with her artistic ability. Her beautiful art can be seen on her website http://www.paulasart.co.nz. I appreciated Debbie Bloxhams patience as she and I spent time experimenting with covers that could be used thematically for this whole series. Her graphics skills and patience made my job so much easier. Contact Debbie at her website http://www.inkplotter.org. Finally, I acknowledge and appreciate the support of my wife Lucy, who has done whatever she could to help me focus on this work.
The 12 Choices of Winners

Table of Contents
Table of Contents .....................................................................................................................8 Introduction.............................................................................................................................14 The value to you of this book and series...............................................................................14 THE REASON I HAD TO WRITE THIS SERIES OF BOOKS .......................................................................14 WHY BOTHER WITH PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT?..............................................................................16 KNOWLEDGE WILL EMPOWER YOU................................................................................................17 ENHANCE YOUR INTELLIGENCES...................................................................................................18 DESIRE WILL CATAPULT YOU INTO ACTION.....................................................................................20 WE ARE ENERGETIC BEINGS IN ACTION..........................................................................................21 A WINNERS FORMULA FOR SUCCESS...........................................................................................21 SET YOUR OWN COURSE..............................................................................................................23 MY COMMITMENT TO YOU .........................................................................................................25 YOUR COMMITMENT TO YOURSELF...............................................................................................26 THE COACHING CONTRACT.........................................................................................................27 Where are you on the journey of your life?..........................................................................30 STAGE 1 LIFE IS AN UNCONSCIOUS JOURNEY.................................................................................32 STAGE 2 SOME ASPECTS OF LIFE ARENT WORKING WELL................................................................32 STAGE 3 YOU STAY RESISTANT TO CHANGE..................................................................................33 STAGE 4 YOU OPEN TO YOUR INNER WISDOM...............................................................................34 STAGE 5 YOU OPEN TO NEW CHALLENGES....................................................................................35 STAGE 6 YOU UNDERSTAND YOUR JOURNEY AND YOURSELF............................................................36 STAGE 7 YOUR NEW LIFE CHALLENGES ARISE...............................................................................37 STAGE 8 THE UNIVERSE MIRRORS YOUR GROWTH..........................................................................38 FURTHER REVIEW YOUR LIFE STAGE..............................................................................................40 Chapter 2.................................................................................................................................43 Living life as a Winner...........................................................................................................43 WHAT IS PERSONAL POWER?.......................................................................................................44 WINNERS CULTIVATE PERSONAL POWER........................................................................................45 THE POWERFUL CULTIVATE POWER...............................................................................................48 Chapter 3.................................................................................................................................50 Losers cultivate poor relationships ......................................................................................50 VICTIMS CULTIVATE POWERLESSNESS............................................................................................52 THE BLAME GAME ENSURES POWERLESSNESS..................................................................................54 BULLIES AND CONTROL FREAKS ARE ALSO LOSERS..........................................................................56
RESCUING OTHERS WONT EMPOWER ANYBODY..............................................................................58 Chapter 4.................................................................................................................................63 The art of becoming a Warrior-Winner...............................................................................63 A WARRIOR-WINNER MASTERS PERSONAL POWER..........................................................................65 BECOME A HUNTER OF POWER.....................................................................................................66 THE JOURNEY TO MASTERY.........................................................................................................68 Chapter 5.................................................................................................................................70 The twelve choices of Winners...............................................................................................70 IMMEDIATE SUCCESS..................................................................................................................72 Chapter 6.................................................................................................................................74 Choice One: Develop conscious intention based on wise choices......................................74 PRIORITIZE WISELY....................................................................................................................75 CHOICES ARE LINKED TO INTENTIONS............................................................................................78 CHOOSE YOUR PASSIONS.............................................................................................................79 BRING HEAD AND HEART TOGETHER..............................................................................................81 ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.........................................................................................................82 STRATEGIES FOR IMPROVING INTENTIONS AND CONSCIOUS CHOICES....................................................83 Chapter 7.................................................................................................................................86 Choice Two: Take full responsibility for your life...............................................................86 PROBLEM OWNERSHIP.................................................................................................................89 DONT OWN WHAT ISNT YOURS..................................................................................................91 YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOU......................................................................................................93 WERE A VICTIM ONLY IF WE ALLOW IT.......................................................................................96 YOUR THINKING AND FEELING RESPONSIBILITIES.............................................................................97 SEEK YOUR ANSWERS WITHIN......................................................................................................99 BLAME IGNORES THE REAL ISSUE...............................................................................................100 STRATEGIES FOR TAKING PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY......................................................................103 A BILL OF RIGHTS & RESPONSIBILITIES..................................................................106 Chapter 8...............................................................................................................................108 Choice Three: Support yourself with self-discipline........................................................108 DO YOU WANT TO BE SELF-DISCIPLINED?.....................................................................................109 SELF-DISCIPLINE VALUES THE SELF.............................................................................................110 SELF-DISCIPLINE BRINGS FREEDOM.............................................................................................112 1: DISCIPLINE YOUR TIME.........................................................................................................114 2: DISCIPLINE YOUR EATING......................................................................................................115 3: DISCIPLINE YOUR WORK.......................................................................................................116 4: DISCIPLINE YOUR LEISURE.....................................................................................................117 5: DISCIPLINE YOUR THOUGHTS.................................................................................................118 6: DISCIPLINE YOUR EMOTIONS..................................................................................................119 7: DISCIPLINE YOUR COMMUNICATION........................................................................................120
8: DISCIPLINE YOUR FINANCES ...................................................................................................120 ACTION STEPS TO SUCCESS........................................................................................................122 SUMMARY: DAILY DISCIPLINES OF SELF-AWARENESS......................................................................123 LIVING A DISCIPLINED LIFE........................................................................................................124 STRATEGIES FOR INCREASING SELF-DISCIPLINE..............................................................................126 Chapter 9...............................................................................................................................130 Choice Four: Give up reacting; become proactive............................................................130 REACTIVITY MEANS OTHERS HAVE THE POWER.............................................................................132 TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR INNER REALITY......................................................................................133 TAKE CHARGE LIVE PROACTIVELY !..........................................................................................135 STEP OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE............................................................................................136 THE WORLD MIRRORS YOUR INNER REALITY.................................................................................137 STRATEGIES FOR BEING PROACTIVE AND NOT REACTIVE..................................................................139 Chapter 10.............................................................................................................................142 Choice Five: Develop mental balance ................................................................................142 and intelligence.....................................................................................................................142 DISTORTED PERSPECTIVES ARE COMMONPLACE.............................................................................144 THE WAY WE VIEW THE PROBLEM IS THE PROBLEM........................................................................145 WE HAVE POWER OVER OUR MINDS IF WE CHOOSE.....................................................................146 MENTAL ANGUISH IS UNNECESSARY............................................................................................148 NOTICE ANY DRAMAS IN YOUR HEAD..........................................................................................151 TRANSFORM PATTERNS OF MENTAL ANGUISH................................................................................153 1. RUMINATING ......................................................................................................................154 2. CATASTROPHIZING THE PAST.................................................................................................154 3. CATASTROPHIZING THE FUTURE..............................................................................................156 4. WORRYING ABOUT THE UNKNOWN.........................................................................................159 5. WANT, WANT, WANT; CONTROL, CONTROL, CONTROL................................................................161 6. OBSESSING AND OBSESSING AND .......................................................................................164 7. DELUSORY THOUGHTS. ........................................................................................................165 8. BLAMING AND BEATING UP SELF OR OTHERS............................................................................166 STRATEGIES FOR MANAGING UNHELPFUL THOUGHTS .....................................................................167 Chapter 11.............................................................................................................................170 Choice Six: Become emotionally intelligent........................................................................170 EQ LEADS TO SUCCESS.............................................................................................................171 HIGH EQ LEADS TO BETTER CHOICES.........................................................................................173 EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE LEADS TO BETTER RELATING.................................................................174 MANAGE YOUR EMOTIONS, REMAIN CALM...................................................................................176 STRATEGIES TO IMPROVE YOUR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE ............................................................180 Chapter 12.............................................................................................................................184 Choice Seven: Know and honour yourself first.................................................................184 HELP YOURSELF THEN OTHERS...................................................................................................186
MAN, KNOW THYSELF..............................................................................................................188 NEGATIVE EMOTIONS MAY KEEP YOU IN LINE...............................................................................189 YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW.........................................................................191 DISCOVER, INTEGRATE AND ACT YOUR TRUE SELF.........................................................................192 JUST BE YOU...........................................................................................................................193 BEING GOOD PROBABLY WONT WORK......................................................................................195 SPEND TIME ON YOURSELF........................................................................................................197 SELF CARE SELF-CENTREDNESS...............................................................................................199 BE FULLY YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF...............................................................................................200 KNOW YOUR TRUE SELF AND BE THAT!.......................................................................................202 YOUR CHALLENGE IS TO BE THE BEST YOU POSSIBLE...................................................................204 YOU ARE ENOUGH JUST AS YOU ARE...........................................................................................206 STRATEGIES FOR HONOURING YOURSELF FIRST..............................................................................207 Chapter 13.............................................................................................................................211 Choice Eight: Meet your own needs and desires...............................................................211 MEETING YOUR OWN NEEDS = FUNCTIONAL LIVING.......................................................................213 USE BOUNDARIES TO REFLECT YOUR NEEDS.................................................................................216 YOUR DESIRES REFLECT WHO YOU ARE........................................................................................219 STRATEGIES TO HELP MEET YOUR NEEDS AND DESIRES...................................................................221 Chapter 14.............................................................................................................................225 Choice Nine: Develop your own personal values & moral code.......................................225 DETERMINE YOUR OWN TRUTH...................................................................................................227 DETERMINE TO CREATE YOUR OWN UNIQUE VALUES......................................................................229 DO YOU WANT TO LIVE BY RULES OR BY INTEGRITY?....................................................................231 GREAT PEOPLE CREATE UNIQUE NEEDS-BASED VALUES...................................................................233 TAKE TIME - TUNE IN FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE..........................................................................235 STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING TRUE SELF VALUES.......................................................................236 Chapter 15.............................................................................................................................239 Choice Ten: Heal all old negative emotions and mindsets...............................................239 CHILDHOOD DRAMAS CAN STILL HAVE IMPACT ............................................................................240 FREEDOM REQUIRES FOCUSED INTENT..........................................................................................242 REDUCE EMOTIONAL REACTIONS BY OWNING THEM.......................................................................245 HEALING IS EASY; HOLDING PAINFUL MEMORIES IS NOT.................................................................246 RELEASE YOUR PAST................................................................................................................248 HEAL BY NON-JUDGMENTALLY OBSERVING SELF...........................................................................249 YOUR FEELINGS WANT TO CHAT WITH YOU..................................................................................251 BECOME YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND...............................................................................................253 STRATEGIES FOR WORKING WITH UNRESOLVED ISSUES....................................................................254 Chapter 16.............................................................................................................................258 Choice Eleven: Love your self..............................................................................................258 SELF-CRITICISM IS PROBABLY YOUR TRAINING..............................................................................261 WHEN THE LIGHT RUSHES IN, THE DARK RUNS AWAY....................................................................263
SELF-LOVE A FORGOTTEN ART WORTH RE-MEMBERING................................................................264 LET GO OF UNHELPFUL SELF-IDENTIFICATION................................................................................268 REMOVE UNWANTED SELF-IDENTIFICATION...................................................................................270 STRATEGIES FOR APPRECIATING AND ACCEPTING SELF....................................................................273 Chapter 17.............................................................................................................................276 Choice Twelve: Manifest your dreams, create your reality..............................................276 YOUR THINKING CREATES.........................................................................................................277 WHAT IS YOUR MIND UP TO?.....................................................................................................279 THE ARTS OF CREATING AND ATTRACTING.................................................................................280 VISION AND CREATION BEGIN WITHIN..........................................................................................282 NOTICE THE LAW OF ATTRACTION WORKING.................................................................................283 WE SEEK THE NECTAR WE LIKE THE BEST....................................................................................285 YOU MAY HAVE HABITUALLY LOW VIBRATION..............................................................................287 HABIT WILL GENERATE YOUR DOMINANT EMOTION........................................................................288 CREATE FEELINGS THAT WILL ATTRACT WHAT YOU WANT..............................................................291 ADOPT AN ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE...........................................................................................292 THE LOVE-OF-SELF GRATITUDE ATTITUDE....................................................................................294 HOW TO CREATE A GREAT FUTURE.............................................................................................296 STRATEGIES FOR CREATING THE LIFE YOU WANT ..........................................................................298 Chapter 18.............................................................................................................................300 So, whats next?.....................................................................................................................300 LAWS OF THE UNIVERSAL ENERGY SYSTEM.........................................................303 My Personal Planner............................................................................................................305 My Goals from Reading This Book.....................................................................................306 Personal Insights about Me..................................................................................................308 Must-Do Activities................................................................................................................311 My Core and Limiting Beliefs..............................................................................................313 Citations and Quotations......................................................................................................314 Bibliography..........................................................................................................................320 Alphabetical Index................................................................................................................324
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Introduction
Introduction
The value to you of this book and series

Gramma said when you come on something good, first thing to do is share with whoever you can find; that way, the good spreads out where no telling it will go. Which is right. Forrest Carter in The Education of Little Tree Why am I here? What is the purpose of my life? How can I make the most of the life I am living? Where do I go from here? How do I find a partner with whom I will be really happy? These key questions are answerable, yet very few know those answers or where to find them. I consider that I have found answers to most such questions in relation to my own life, and I want to share with you how to find these out for yourself. What you may notice as you read is that the answers about how to best live your life seem familiar. It is unlikely you will think Wow, can that really be so! You are more likely to think There is a part of me that somehow knows all this. Our answers lie within us. Our questions arise because we havent accessed those answers. What your life is all about will, I hope, become more apparent as you read. Each of us is here to grow into the best version of ourselves we can manage to be, and to live so that our life is a reflection of who we really are. We are creative, energetic beings designed to feel free, be loved and loving, and to enjoy the journey of life, having fun and joy along the way. It is unlikely you were told this in school, or by any institution for that matter, but indeed it is both true and possible, no matter what has happened in your life to date.
The reason I had to write this series of books

Knowledge is power Sir Francis Bacon After a number of years working as a counsellor, life coach and mentor, I began offering personal development courses because I could see that through these courses many people would transform their lives. Simply by learning how to successfully run
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their own lives and relationships, the world changed for many of these course participants. Thus, I began complementing my one-on-one work with courses offering strategies about how to become a Winner. Over the years, these courses grew both in sophistication and number. Currently I teach a number of courses on personal development, relationships and spiritual awareness, and I have expanded on the material that I use on these courses in these books. I also train counsellors, and many of the ideas I use with my students are also included in these books. My intention in this series is to coach you on how to maximize happiness, success, creativity, fulfilment, personal power, acceptance and honouring of yourself in your life. Once you have learned these skills, got yourself sorted out and understood yourself, you will know how to successfully manage your own processes in a relationship. Indeed, if you follow the tips and exercises I suggest, you will come to know how to make relationships successful as an extension to being a powerfully and successfully functioning human. Perhaps you have already discovered that you take into relationships your damaged self, as well as the self that wants to be loving and supportive. Unfortunately, it is the damaged self that can run amok and ruin any relationship, despite your best intentions. Begin with yourself. Thats always the place to start. On another level, of course, there is nothing I can teach you. Because we are all connected to everything there is, we are also connected to everything there is to know. When Einstein developed the Theory of Relativity he claimed that the knowledge he expounded was there for the taking. He had just tuned in to knowledge that was available to everyone and anyone at any time. This book will similarly alert you to what you already know at some deeper level, and so may have the effect of reminding you of who you are, what you are capable of, and of how you can get the best out of your very unique life. Because all this knowledge lies within you somewhere, you may consider that much of this book is obvious, and just common sense. I invite you to own and apply to yourself all of the thoughts and insights you acquire while reading, recognizing that you are tapping into your own wisdom. Indeed, it would be my hope that the book acts as a trigger, giving you greater and greater insight into your own ideas and knowing. My commitment to you is to give you the toolbox you require to function successfully and powerfully in all dimensions of your life. If life is already good for you, then the books will affirm for you much that you must already be doing. You will also re-learn or remember additional skills that will further enhance your quality of life. You already know. I will help you remember. If you are to get the most out of these books, you will need to approach them with the attitude of a Winner. As you will soon learn, winners approach life differently to
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Introduction
losers, and this approach is what I will both teach and demand of you if you are to learn how to live life to the max.
Why bother with personal development?

Knowledge and understanding are lifes faithful companions who will never prove untrue to you. Kahlil Gibran Most of us have been damaged as children, and all of us have the capacity to overcome any early problems in life and become fully who we are capable of being. There are plenty of others who have experienced extreme deprivation or abuse in their lives, but have risen above these early setbacks to lead happy and fulfilled lives. Regardless of their origins, human beings are designed to grow emotionally, spiritually and socially as well as physically and to squeeze the most out of life. This innate desire to do better, be better and feel better is the reason why successful and healthy individuals continue to want to improve their lives, no matter how good their lives are already. This tendency towards realization of ones potential, capacities, talents and life purpose has been termed self-actualization. 1 If you are preoccupied with meeting your needs for security (e.g. money), belonging (e.g. feeling part of a family), love (e.g. creating a successful relationship), respect (e.g. not being tough on yourself) and self-esteem (e.g. having no negative beliefs about yourself), then self-actualization will be a distant goal, because you must attend to these basics first. Abraham Maslow, a specialist in the art of helping people meet their needs, described people who were successfully meeting their higher life goals and how this impacted on their lifestyle. The first thirteen qualities listed below are those Maslow wrote. The remainder are those I have found in people who have lifted themselves above the average human experience. How well would you rate yourself, using these as measures of being successful, empowered or happy? 2 1. Superior perception of reality. 2. Increased acceptance of self, of others, and of nature. 3. Increased spontaneity. 4. Increase in problem management. 5. Increased detachment and desire for privacy. 6. Increased autonomy and resistance to enculturation. 7. Greater freshness of appreciation and richness of emotional reaction. 8. Higher frequency of peak experiences. 9. Increased identification with the human species. 10. Changed, in fact improved, interpersonal relations. 11. More democratic character structure. 12. Greatly increased creativeness. 13. Certain changes in the value system. 14. Greater personal responsibility for self.
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15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20.
Decreased responsibility for situations not in their control. Greater sense of, and expression of, their own inner personal power. Increased capacity to love both self and others. Decreased tendency to be thrown around by life events. A greater awareness of who they are, and who they are becoming. A greater inner peace, and acceptance of themselves and life generally.
These are qualities to which I personally aspire, and, much of the time, have in my life. My wish for you is that you too will experience all of these qualities. May this book, and the strategies it contains, lead you to a greater experience of these qualities.
Knowledge will empower you

To be conscious that you are ignorant is a great step to knowledge. Benjamin Disraeli We all start life ignorant about personal development and how to become smart about how to live life. Most people die in a similar condition. In order to create a fulfilling life, we must develop those intelligences which incorporate and promote the qualities Maslow has listed. So what do we call the intelligences we have that enable us to be a top performing human being? Howard Gardner, who developed the concept of Multiple Intelligences and has written extensively about them, comments on a meeting Sigmund Freud had with the renowned American psychologist, William James. The two men saw eye-to-eye on the future development of psychology and the development of human potential. Both had a conviction, says Gardner, that psychology must be built around the concept of the person, his personality, his growth, his fate. Moreover, both scholars deemed the capacity for self-growth to be an important one, upon which depended the possibility of coping with ones surroundings. 3 Gardner might well have been impressed with the mutual regard these men had for each other, because Gardner himself thinks along similar lines. In his introduction to the chapter on The Personal Intelligences in his book Frames of Mind, he comments I feel that these forms of knowledge (the personal intelligences) are of tremendous importance in many, if not all, societies in the world forms that have, however, tended to be ignored or minimized by nearly all students of cognition. 4 To know yourself, and be able to interact successfully with others, is fundamental to being successful, powerful and happy. I agree with Gardner, and suspect that part of the reason the inner workings of the mind and personality of humans has been ignored is because there is so much disagreement about how best to describe how we function. I suspect, too, that many
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Introduction
people are afraid to know how they function, because dis-ease of the mental and emotional realms has never been well understood, with the result that imbalances, when they occur, are feared, and put into the Im too scared to know basket. Elaine de Beauport, who founded the Mead School for Human Development, has identified thirteen intelligences based purely on how the brain functions. Her system of identifying brain functioning allows us to appreciate how our brain works, and embrace what we can do with it, rather than fear its potential. While Gardner used a number of criteria for distinguishing between particular intelligences, including brain functioning, de Beaufort names the intelligences she identifies based on the functional nature of each part of the brain involved. For example, she identifies Intuitional Intelligence as being an aspect of the functioning of the neocortex in the brain, and Mood Intelligence as relating to the functions of the limbic system. (Gardner would include the operation of moods in his Intrapersonal Intelligence, while Daniel Goleman would incorporate this in what he terms Emotional Intelligence.) So whereas Gardner and Goleman have named intelligences according to the behaviours each permits, de Beauport defines intelligences according to the nature of the brains functioning and how we experience this. I define an intelligence as the ability to function successfully in any part of your life, which is a broader and less academic definition than Gardner uses, and less connected to brain functioning than both his and de Beauports thinking. I have also given myself license to call something an intelligence if it seems to be a unique and definable skill or ability. For example, although none of the above writers have used or defined Financial Intelligence, I consider this to be a very specific ability that some people have developed, while others have not. I also consider that the ability to develop good self-esteem is an incredibly important skill, one that many people have not developed, while others demonstrate a high level of mastery in this intelligence.
Enhance your intelligences

Knowledge is your crown, and understanding your staff, and when they are with you, you can possess no greater treasures. Kahlil Gibran To my way of thinking, then, to function with high self-esteem is to perform intelligently when it comes to believing in and affirming ones self, holding a relationship together, being creative, and getting the most out of the work that you do. Thus, I consider Self-Esteem Intelligence to be one worth developing which, as with any intelligence, is very possible once you know how to do it. When I have lectured teachers and teacher-trainees in the Multiple Intelligences, I have encouraged them to observe any unique skill or ability in children, and affirm to the child their intelligence in that skill or trait. By having their strengths recognized and appreciated, these children can then continue to build on those competencies. Not only that, through this process these children will be building their self-esteem their positive belief and understanding of their self. Adults can do the same, and as
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Howard Gardner noted, can also improve intelligences that have previously been dormant or underdeveloped. There are many types of intelligence - define them as you will. Strengthening them will expand your existing competencies. In my view, however, at a basic and functional level, it is not hard to understand how we humans tick. It is also relatively easy to learn how we can get ourselves to tick more effectively. Given that it is so empowering to do this, it amazes me that so few cultures stress the value of knowing and valuing the self. An emerging sense of self proves to be a key element in the realm of personal intelligences, claims Gardner, one of overriding importance to individuals the world over. 5 Furthermore, like Gardner Im also convinced that you can expand your intelligences, and in doing so vastly improve your life. Because the development of some intelligences enhances your health in a variety of specific and general ways, I have given titles to sections in this series according to the aspect of self that they develop. Thus, I have labelled sections of the books as Mental Health Intelligence, Emotional Health Intelligence, Goal-Setting Intelligence and so on. You have many intelligences.
It even takes one of those to understand this concept. In my view, it is important to recognize each and every capacity we have or can develop and then use these to enhance our lives. When combined and used skilfully, these intelligences enable us to be successful across many disciplines within the school of life. However, beware that in many human beings there is an energy that runs counter to being successful. We can be very afraid of being successful, wealthy, brilliant, famous, and free from troubles. It can be scary and risky to use our intelligences to the full. What will the neighbours think? What will our relatives think? In fact, what will the part of us that likes being normal and invisible think? Abraham Maslow called this propensity to shoot ourselves in the foot the Jonah complex. Be aware of it. Notice when it arises. Listen to its fearful urges as it pleads for you to return to mediocrity. You can overcome it, but like all other sabotaging tendencies, you can do so only by listening to and understanding it, and assuring the anxious self that all will be well. 6 To look at yourself and notice what can be made more functional, takes courage, awareness, openness, and honesty. But the rewards are unending.
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Introduction
This book and those that follow will show you how to develop these creative, expansive and growth-enhancing intelligences and teach you how to apply them, and in so doing, improve your sense of self and also your health. Thats provided youre prepared to take the risk, of course.
Desire will catapult you into action

The difficulty in life is the choice. George Moore Remember, most people who read self-help books make little use of what they learn. I know, because I have spoken to many who have not made the changes they have read about. Learning is not the same as experiencing. Knowledge is not the same as action. Only by applying and living what you read here will your life be changed. No-one has ever become a good tennis player by reading about tennis, or by watching someone else play. You are therefore invited to play the game of personal development, and everyone in the game is a participant. People who read in order to gain knowledge are called academics. Those who watch but dont play are called spectators. Neither will ever improve their life. Walk the talk. Dont just talk the walk. These books are set out in such a way that change will naturally begin to occur if you follow the simple and brief exercises I have structured for you. Each section of the book builds and develops your understanding of what you must do to become a top functioning human being.
I invite you to approach each new concept with an open mind, and wait until later to pass judgment on what is 'truth' for you. Think deeply, as directed, about these new ideas. Be prepared to do the exercises I suggest, and keep a record of your thoughts, light-bulb moments and insights by writing these in My Personal Planner at the back of the book. Talk to others about those sections of the books that are meaningful to you. This will reinforce your understanding of the principles by integrating these ideas with your own. Ensure that those you choose to talk to will not be disparaging about your desire to better yourself. Remember, most people go through life without undertaking any personal development at all.
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Book I sets the groundwork. By the end of it, you will appreciate the steps required to become a fully empowered and loving individual. I will give you many tips to enable you to begin the journey of transformation towards life mastery. The later books will give you the in-depth skills to take these transformational processes to deeper levels. I will talk further about the benefits to be gained from these later books at the end of this one.
We are energetic beings in action

There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening, that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. Martha Graham, choreographer and dancer When studying human behaviour especially our own it can be helpful to examine those ways in which we make use of our energy. My scientific background, combined with my personal life experience and that as a counsellor and a trainer, have convinced me that each of us is energy inhabiting a body, rather than a body with energy. We are each a collection of emotional energies, thought energies and physical energies constantly on the move. Because we can experience our emotions (e.g. anger, sadness), thoughts (e.g. speedy thinking, depressive thinking, agitated thinking) and actions (e.g. running, twitching, grimacing, laughing) as moving energy, I make frequent reference to how we do this. At the beginning of each chapter, I include a summary of the key energetic processes in the discussion to follow. I call these the Laws of the Universal Energy System (see the summary following Chapter 18), because energy operates according to consistent and predictable rules, and our lives are governed by them. Once you know the laws the rules of the game you can leverage them to your own benefit, rather than be a victim to them. In my own life, I use these laws consistently every day of my life. I have included in this book and series tips from the finest minds on how best to work with energy. Drawing extensively on research, leaders in the personal development field, and from spiritual teachers from many traditions, I've picked out gems that I know have been useful for me and others, and could work well for you as well.
A Winners formula for success

By degrees, little by little, from time to time, a wise man should remove his own impurities, as a craftsman removes the dross from silver. Dhammapada Just after World War I, General McArthur enlisted the services of Edwards W. Deming to help in the reconstruction of Japan. Not many people know the story of
22 |
Introduction
how the Japanese miracle of industrial growth eventuated, but it is a story that everyone on the personal development path would do well to learn from. When Deming was called for in 1950, the Japanese economy was still in a shambles following the destruction of Japanese infrastructure during the war. A quality control expert, Deming was called in by McArthur to train the Japanese in techniques that would take them out of the economic doldrums. Deming began his work with the Japanese Union of Scientists and Engineers, many of whom he trained in his fourteen principles, and a core value that has underpinned virtually all decisions made in Japanese multinational corporations to this day. Deming had turned around major American corporations such as Ford by helping management see that cutting costs and increasing output was not the be-all and end-all of success. His message was to increase the quality of what was being done, so that companies could increase the quality of what was being produced. What was really astounding about the work Deming did with Japanese workers, was that he did not put emphasis so much on improving the quality of production or output, but on the quality of workplace relationships. His focus was on getting management to encourage and reward workers for any small improvements they were able to either suggest or create in the way they did their work. The word used in Japanese for this process is kaizen, which crudely translated means constant improvement. This word has widespread use in the Japanese language, so that they may speak of the kaizen of relationships, kaizen of the economy, kaizen of the school system, and so on. The path to improving your life lies in seeking and creating constant improvement. You too can introduce kaizen into every element of your life, as I have done. I am constantly seeking to improve the quality of my thinking, my learning, my skills as a life coach and psychotherapist, my relationships, my finances, my health, my inner calm, my desire to make a contribution to the world, my home and my spiritual practices. There are times when I let one or more of these slip because I havent been attentive or sufficiently disciplined, but eventually I recover any lost ground. When I look back at my life, I can see there have been very few times when there has been an immediate or significant leap in the quality of my life. For the most part, change has been gradual, even slow at times. Whether in my financial circumstances, spiritual development, my ability to manage my emotions and my mind, or to increase my love of myself or others, the change can only be seen when I look back years later. Then I can reflect on how persistence and determination have improved almost every aspect of my life. Most significant improvement in your life is due to long-held, strong intentions. As you work through this book, I invite you to improve your life in some way by what you get from each chapter. Adding ideas and commitments to yourself in Must
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Do Activities in My Personal Planner is certainly a way to ensure that you do not overlook the changes you want to make. When Deming came to Japan, he had a strong sense of mission as communicated by General McArthur, and I invite you also to determine yours. You will then want to establish goals consistent with this sense of mission, and then finally act on these, as Deming did when he trained workers in the skills he believed would turn the nation into a world economic power within ten years. No-one in the West believed he could do what he was claiming at that time, but through persistence and commitment to what he believed in, he did indeed create an economic miracle. You can create miracles in your own life by making small improvements everywhere. You can ensure that your finances are gradually becoming healthier, your relationships are more functional and rewarding, your health and fitness are constantly being addressed, your life has more pleasure and less stress in it, you are making strides to improve your spiritual connectedness, and your contribution to the world through career or community work is becoming progressively more rewarding.
Set your own course

It is not what we profess but what we practice that gives us integrity. Francis Bacon I invite you to embrace the kaizen concept in the way you approach this book. These will give you the structure from which to change or improve your life. At the end of most chapters, ideas are offered that you could implement to improve your life stepby-step. By building these into My Personal Planner, you can create your own list of activities that you know you could undertake to change your life. Start your personal planning now turn to the back of the book and make notes about you as you read these next paragraphs: 1. Sense of mission: Know in your heart, as well as your mind, that learning and implementing the skills of successful living is what you want to do, and that it feels right for you. Be sure that when you succeed, you are going to know that this is the right path you are taking. (Whenever you're on the "wrong" path, nothing will seem to go, or feel, "right"). It will be important to set for yourself a very clear intention, so that your energies are focused in a direction that supports who you are, and who you want to become. 2. Goals: Once you sense what you are wanting from this book, the next step is to set goals for achieving this. Focus on your desired outcome, and be sure that this is what you really want. Today's preparation will determine tomorrow's achievement. Go to My Personal Planner at the end of the book and write down the goals you want for your life from doing the work suggested throughout this book. Your goals may be I will change my anxious thinking, or I will commit to doing the exercises suggested, or I will give myself time each day to use what I have learned. Make
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Introduction
your goals action- and behaviour-oriented, because this makes them more achievable and measurable. (It is hard to measure I will feel better, but easier to know if you have achieved I will talk to someone else rather than worry.) 3. Actions: Clearly visualize the sort of person you want to be, and what you want to have in your life. What would you like to see yourself doing a year from now that you are not doing presently? Talk to others about the direction you are taking. It requires courage to talk about your intentions before they have manifested, however, there is power in speaking the truth of who you are and who you are becoming. Doing this will also help you clarify just exactly what it is you are wanting from life. Listen to your inner world and what it is telling you to become. Be disciplined and single-minded with a clear intention, and these strategies will bring you your desired life. Take that first step toward your goal, and be ready for the next step to appear before you. The first step you can take right now is to read this book, and complete the suggested exercises. Be like Mahatma Gandhi, who claimed action is my domain, and lived a life that demonstrated the power of making things happen. 4. Persistence: This is perhaps the most important quality. Persist even when you are not seeing results; in fact, persist especially when you dont seem to be getting results. Know that if things turn sour for a while, they can also turn sweet again. Hang in there for the long term! There is power in persistence once you are clear about what you want for your life. Your intention becomes stronger as you spend time visualizing the changes, feeling how that will feel, and talking about it with others. Calvin Coolidge, the American President, once said: Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination are alone supreme. 5. Commitment: Be totally committed and single-minded in your attitude to achieving your goal no matter what it takes. You may not have to, but you must be prepared to do anything. (This does not include anything you would be unwilling to do because it was illegal or unethical. Behaving illegally will diminish the energy you can bring to an activity.) What you in fact will have to do may be that which you are least prepared to do. So be ready to negotiate any hurdles you find in your way. Commitment helps you ride out those fears, misgivings or any other obstacle that will get in your way. Commitment will strengthen as your intentions become crystal clear, and your passion for the changes you want in your life grows. As someone once observed, the difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'. You will need to be the pig in the breakfast of your inner transformation.
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Wherever you direct your energy determines the direction of your life.
My commitment to you
Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes... but no plans. Peter Drucker In the course of writing this book, I have always kept the end in mind helping you to transform your life. I have had practice at this, having already been committed to the successes of the hundreds of people who have worked with me since I first gave courses in the 1980s. Here then, is the commitment that I make to you throughout this book. 1. I will offer you insights and exercises that work. I wont ask you to do anything Ive not done myself, or succeeded in using with clients, course participants or students. The information and skills I have included are also well researched, so we know for sure that they work. 2. I will invite you to develop life strategies that are well within your ability to implement. Nothing here is unreasonably demanding, or limited to the abilities of a bionic man or woman. When Im pushy in the way I write, exhorting you to follow my suggestions, I am really inviting you to do so only in whatever way works for you. 3. I am convinced that if you follow the directions I give you, you will feel different about yourself. The transformation will occur within you, and because your awareness of yourself will increase, you will very likely be able to describe changes that are happening. Typically, participants on my courses report greater selfconfidence, increased self-awareness, more self-acceptance and more inner peace. Characteristically, life will feel less of a battle, and will flow more harmoniously. 4. Following the ideas and exercises I'm offering will help you gain greater clarity about who you are and where you want your life to go. You can expect to have insights about yourself that may pop up when you least expect them to. This is because, by being committed to this new way of being, your subconscious will open up and release information about yourself that would not otherwise have been accessible. You are already enough. All I can do, is assist you to uncover abilities and understanding already latent within you. 5. By bringing focus and intention to personal transformation, you can expect to notice when you're being harsh or judgmental about yourself, and eventually you'll want to let go of this nonsense. You may also find that any fears you may have had about finding out about yourself, or how you tick, will be replaced with a curious
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Introduction
interest in your inner processes. At last, you will be able to become your own best friend, and trust and accept yourself, no matter what is going on. You are enough just as you are. There is nothing that needs fixing. Enjoy the unearthing of your latent competencies.
Having said all that, I can really promise you nothing, because what you do with this material is out of my hands. In order to achieve the above five points, you must engage in all of the activities I invite you to do. In some cases, where considerable practice is needed, you may have to do them for some months in order to achieve proficiency. Let me assure you, though, that your life is worth the effort. Nothing fancy is required of you, just the courage to embark on the journey, and the persistence, commitment and self-discipline to stay on it. A word of caution: neither this book nor any other will do as much for you as one-to-one work with a specialist in this field. Many of my clients have also done my courses, but it is by fine-tuning their life with me one-on-one that they get maximum benefits. If you want to be the best you can be, complete what is on offer here, and then find yourself the best life coach, counsellor or psychotherapist you can find. Choose with discrimination though, and be sure that the person you choose is walking their talk.
Your commitment to yourself

The quality of a person's life is in direct proportion to their commitment to excellence, regardless of their chosen field of endeavor. Vincent T. Lombardi If you want to become a great tennis player, you must commit to doing the training. Reading and observing others wont do the trick. If you are serious about becoming master of your life, then you must commit to what it takes. Persistence, selfdiscipline, self-responsibility, determination to change, and a commitment to the work have characterized those who have made the biggest transformations. Develop the intention to do the same, and the insights you will gain will support your intention. You dont have to work quickly, should yourself, or be tough on yourself. You might even have times when you relax and do nothing. Just stay in touch with your inner desire for a great life. Be prepared to bring these intentions to
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doing the exercises, and to take time each day to practice what you are learning. Do it. Do it! As Yoda said in The Empire Strikes Back, "Do, or do not. There is no 'try'." If its to be, Then its up to me. This book will take you on a journey of self-discovery, and so long as you are kind and patient with yourself, you will be able to watch intrigued as you make shifts in the way you see and feel about yourself. The great Swiss psychoanalyst, Carl Jung, commented that wherever there is a reaching down into innermost experience, into the nucleus of personality, most people are overcome by fright and run away. This is largely because they are scared they will unearth something there that they will judge as odd, weird or bad. What is more likely is that such exploration will uncover your human-ness, which, so long as you refrain from indulging in judging it or running from it, will help you understand what every human must work with to have a happy and productive life. This book, and in fact each book in this series, is set out in relatively short chapters. This makes each chapter a stand-alone section you can implement immediately. They dont need to be read in any particular order. The exercises during or at the end of each chapter offer an opportunity to put into place new thinking and behaviours. You may wish to do one chapter per week, and complete the exercises during that time, or you may wish to work on several chapters at once. However you choose to work through the book, provide time to integrate ideas into the practice of your life. Information alone doesnt create change. Applying information, and practicing new activities, is what creates change. Walk the talk. Talking about your intended changes with others can also increase the likelihood that you will follow through on the commitment you are making to yourself and the required action steps. Finally, this series of books is not an alternative to counselling or psychotherapy. If you are struggling with life, then I invite you to take responseability for getting yourself the best help possible. These books will still help you, but one-on-one help is invaluable when the struggle to cope with life is at its most testing. Please, then, commit to getting the help you need when the struggle seems overwhelming or difficult to manage on your own.
The Coaching Contract

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself. Leo Tolstoy Now is the time for you to contract with yourself and with me to do the work required to transform your life. Please sign below.
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Introduction
I agree: To carry out the exercises that seem most relevant to my growth and to continue working with them until I experience a shift in my thinking, emotions or actions. To suspend my judgment of the strategies offered, and instead come to my conclusions based on my own experiences after having read and trialled all the material. To continue even if I have periods of doubt, slothfulness or uncertainty. To care for and patiently support myself throughout the process, remembering that Im always enough, no matter what. To let go of what doesnt work for me, and take on and use what really does work for me.
Signed...............................Date:
Section 1
Winner Lifestyle
&
Personal Power
Intelligences
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Where are you on the journey of life?
Chapter 1
Where are you on the journey of your life?

Your teachers prepare you to pass examinations, but they do not talk to you about living, which is most important; because very few know how to live. Jiddhu Krishnamurti Very few of us have the opportunity to learn, let alone practise, the skills of living that the masters know and demonstrate. Rarely do we have the opportunity to meet and learn from those who have the skills and wisdom that can bring peace, harmony and magic into our lives. More commonly, we learn by circumstances that throw us out of our comfort zone. Brian Weiss is a psychiatrist who is well aware of the stages we go through in life, and how life has a way of leading us into an awareness of what isnt working and must be addressed. He has this to say: It is hard to work to stay out of the rut. To search within, to truly understand oneself, to foster a sense of detachment and perspective these are the difficult tasks and they require patience and much practice. The journey is arduous and long, but well worth it. To be truly happy requires an understanding of life and of death, and a loving, forgiving, spiritual nature. Introspection, meditation, loving service, kindness, and charity these are some of the steps along the way. Practicing forgiveness of yourself and others, non-violence and good deeds, working to eliminate anger, fear, greed, selfcenteredness, and false pride these are yet more steps. 1 Life is a journey. If you are smart, you will learn how to make it more enjoyable. If you are not, you will get stuck. The stages described here will give you an opportunity to see how much youve learned on this journey, and the learning that still awaits you. They will give you some idea as to why you have been drawn to this book, and what is possible in your life up ahead. If you are reading this book, you will have moved past the life stage of climbing trees and dressing dolls; in fact, you will have progressed beyond the first life stages described below. While growth has many rewards and pleasures, it also has its pains and challenges, as anyone who has taken a risk will know. These stages outline the path of those who have taken such risks, who have gone outside their comfort zones, leaving the familiar and predictable world behind. 2
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Not taking this journey means that your life will remain stuck in old patterns, which will progressively not work well for you. To become fully empowered, we must all notice when energies arise within us, beckoning us on to new adventures and horizons. Such energies are inviting us to enter states of transition, where keen awareness will be needed to follow the unknown trail ahead. Each persons journey is known within. Only by listening to our own heart will we know what to do next. The story of the boiled frog gives us some idea as to why people remain in circumstances that have long ceased to serve them. Researchers have noticed that frogs are able to acclimatize themselves to conditions of heat and cold, but seem unable to do this when simply dumped into extreme circumstances. They have found that if a frog was used to cool conditions, they could place it in cool water, and if they slowly turned up the temperature of the water, the frog adjusted and didnt jump out. In fact, the frog would stay in that water until it died, rather than jump out. The frogs, then, were good at adjusting to the circumstances, but not good at determining when the situation called for action to save themselves. Similarly, humans often adjust to circumstances that have long ceased to serve them, yet they too will stay with the status quo despite the pain, trauma or discomfort involved. I have met many clients who have begun to tentatively change their life, eventually to exclaim how could I have stayed in that situation for so long? Like the frog, you have the opportunity to take action on your own behalf, but can only do so if you are aware of what aspect of your situation must be altered. The stages described below invite you to consider where your life is at right now, and what could do with some altering. These stages do not necessarily happen sequentially. You may revisit stages, or even jump some. You may be in Stage 2 in your relationship, but Stage 4 in your work. The aim of this book is to empower you to take your life to higher realms of enjoyment and satisfaction, such as automatically happens when you reach the higher stages in your development. This book provides you with the skills and understanding required to live life to the maximum potential possible. The path to spiritual life mastery is one of self-discipline and commitment to living in ways that the masters of living have successfully taught. Few know of this path, and even fewer walk it. May you become one of the few.
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Stage 1 Life is an unconscious journey

If you were at this point in your life a stage, by the way, that many people never get past then you would be following day-to-day routines without questioning them. Your life would be full of habitual behaviours such as study, work, parenting or whatever. It would seem that life was something that happened to you. Much of your behaviour would be reactive. You may have briefly asked the questions why am I here? or what is my life about? but would not spend too much time contemplating such lofty issues. However, in general, your life would be going nowhere, and you would probably feel you were in a rut and getting little enjoyment from life. Like the frog, you may not have noticed that aspects of life had become intolerable, or may have decided to put up with the pain of existence, because it is too scary to jump out of the pot, or so comfortable and familiar remaining in it. It can be easier to live a life of pain than to opt for uncertainty. Despite having perhaps chosen a successful career path, or a loving partner, or a special place to live, you would have not faced lifes deeper questions, or understood why it is that certain aspects of your life just werent working for you. You would be unlikely to be reading this book, because you would have not yet begun to take responsibility for your life, let alone taken steps to improve it. Personal Reflection: You might reflect, though, on that time in your life when you were at Stage One (if you ever were), and how life was for you then. What are you doing to prevent your life from being in that state still?
Stage 2 Some aspects of life arent working well

This stage is reached when you are having to face some challenges which push you out of your comfort zone. Your relationships may no longer be working, or you may be having a crisis in your job, such as no longer finding it satisfying. This stage is characterized by an inability to resolve what you would call problems. You may feel that you are in a rut but cant see how to get out of it. You may be aware that you feel trapped or controlled by other people. Part of you is screaming Ive got to get out of here! But you dont, because to do so is too scary or uncertain. If you stay stuck, you may begin to feel that you have died inside. Dont keep doing what isnt working, because youll continue to get what youve always got. To be living a life that is unhappy but seemingly all there is is to be living like the average person: averagely.
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You will be aware enough to know that the fun, excitement and zest for life has waned, and may even have evaporated altogether. You stay in the job because of the money or status. You stay with your partner because of the children, fear of being alone, or the shame of having failed in your relationship. You avoid taking risks that could set you free, for fear of the consequences. This is a very uncomfortable life stage, with seemingly no place to go. Personal Reflection: Consider when you were last in this stage, or even whether there are parts of your life still in it. If there are, which are the bits and why are you stuck here?
Stage 3 You stay resistant to change

If you remain in Stage Two, your life will enter a holding pattern and will inevitably slip into Stage Three. You will develop defences to making the changes that your feelings are calling for. You may find, for example, that your relationships are no longer enjoyable, but you just put up with the conflict, discontent, arguments, boredom, avoidance of others, and so on. You may find your job humdrum, perhaps become constantly critical of others you work with, or the nature of your work. You may hold on to old beliefs, attitudes and values, although part of you knows they no longer serve you. Religious or cultural values you hold, for example, may no longer make real sense, but you continue to follow them because you would prefer the safety of doing what others say rather than risking the criticisms that would result if you left the fold and did things a different way your way. If you are stuck here, there is every chance you have limiting self-beliefs that are keeping you from moving on. One part wants the safety of the known. Another part wants the excitement of new discoveries. The worst part about staying stuck in Stage Three is that the problems get worse. You may get so caught in this energy of stuckness that you may feel helpless to do anything about your situation. You could get anxious about your predicament, or frustrated, angry, demoralized or depressed. You might begin to manifest illnesses which mirror your life circumstances and dishonesty to yourself. 3 Stage Three is a very painful place to be, and one which can last for many years. Clients I have worked with often experience a great deal of grief when they look back at how long they were trapped in Stages Two or Three. They recall the emotional, physical or even psychological suffering they experienced by allowing their quality of life to be undermined by the actions of others, and by their own fear of moving on and empowering themselves.
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Personal Reflection: It may be useful, if you have been through either Stages Two or Three, to reflect on what you did to escape these stages, and how you can ensure those experiences are never allowed to be repeated. It is possible to skip Stages Two and Three if you open to Stage Four, determine to face lifes challenges, and make the changes necessary to ensure you never get stuck.
Stage 4 You open to your inner wisdom

Deep within us, we know that when some aspect of life isnt working well, we will have to change sooner rather than later. We may seek change, have it forced upon us, or have it fortuitously appear. But however it manifests, we still have to take the risk and make the choice to move forward. We may stay in Stage Three for some time though before accepting, and responding, to the gifts of our inner wisdom. In order to be reading this book, you must have reached at least Stage Four in some areas of your life. Entering upon the path of wisdom may be a process triggered by your own inner awareness, encouragement from a friend, reading a book, viewing a thoughtprovoking movie, or seeing a new opportunity beckoning. You may be pushed into it because Stage Three becomes so unbearably painful. You may get support from others in order to help allay the fears or self-doubt that hold you back. The crucial shift here is that you can see there must be more to life, and youre determined to discover what that is. You may feel an inner commitment and intention arising from within to get a life. Your inner self pushes you to make a move, because it feels good, right, necessary or essential that you do. 4 Demand that the universe open your eyes to better possibilities. Demand you be led to the best life available to you.
Reaching Stage Four is a watershed experience in anyone's life, because once you have embarked on a life of commitment to yourself, and a commitment to constantly improving your life, there is no going back. You may get stuck from time to time, but you know that you can never allow yourself to live there again.
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Personal Reflection: Notice what brought you to Stage Four, and how you knew deep within yourself that this was the way forward for you. If youve only put your toe into Stage Four, and are tentatively exploring it, commit to your long-term mental health and personal growth by determining to follow your heart. Seek support, where possible, from those who demonstrate they've been here by walking the talk.
Stage 5 You open to new challenges

Now you have stepped onto the path of creating a new life for yourself but it may feel as though you've stepped into the abyss. You may be meeting a number of challenges simultaneously, and coming up against those who are critical of your new direction. Perhaps you are changing your career, taking on further study, while also changing your friendships. Frequently, change will be demanded of you in several areas of your life at once. Indeed, there may be challenges happening that you had not foreseen, so reaching out for support and guidance may be very useful at this time. You may be tempted to slip back into Stage Three, but notice that if you did this, you would return to boredom, inner emptiness, stress, or even an inner death. You may know that you cant go back, but are finding the challenges very demanding, to the point where you may need to slow down and rest for a while. Discrimination is needed in order to know when to push ahead, and when to pause and review your journey. In Stage Five you will want to commit to your new journey, no matter how scary this may feel at times, and no matter how many periods of rest you may need to take. Your trust and belief in yourself will be challenged, and it may be useful to be around others who affirm that you have the ability, courage and stamina to reconstruct your life. You may need to embark upon further study, general reading, take courses, or get personal help from a life coach or counsellor to help you know what to do, and how to make sense of these new challenges. You may have to deal with the voices of those who yell at you No, no, dont do this. You are heading for disaster. Go back before its too late! Others may be more demanding or manipulative in what they say to you. You can be sure these people have not reached Stage Five in their own lives, because they have yet to learn that every persons path to freedom is unique, and the only way to get there is to walk your own way. Opening to new possibilities risks letting go of what is known for what is unknown or unknowable. Sometimes this doubting voice may be your own. That part of you that has a need for security and comfort may not want to face the pain and effort that change may require. Even having to take more self-responsibility and give up blaming yourself or others can be difficult. 5 It is useful to get support here from those who understand
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and are able to support your new approach to life, especially if you are having doubts about the wisdom of your new choices. This is a time to go deep within, and ask yourself for your own inner truth. Dont let guilt or anxiety about what others will think or say deter you. That was probably the pattern in the past, so support yourself to honour you. Personal Reflection: If youve reached or exceeded Stage Five you will probably be determined to push on. Seeking the wisdom of others may help speed this process, but choose carefully who you consult. You may find it useful to reflect on how you dealt with doubt, guilt, anxieties and the voices calling you back, and what you did to continue to honour your own knowing.
Stage 6 You understand your journey and yourself

As you continue to make changes and confront challenges, you can see how your earlier life has prepared you for the path you are now walking. You may come to see new challenges as just further opportunities to strengthen and learn about yourself, and develop greater mastery over your life. There is a risk here that you may criticize yourself for having spent too much time in Stages Two or Three in the past. It will be important to appreciate at this point the positive, purposeful intentions you had for staying stuck, because this teaches you about yourself. You can contemplate on how never again to get stuck as your life evolves and offers new, and perhaps increased, challenges. Stage Six will also include a much greater awareness of what makes you tick. There is a need to embrace and befriend what Carl Jung called the shadow. This is the part of you that youve ignored, denied, judged or cringed from earlier in your life. Befriending and learning how to be non-judgmental of your inner self is the hallmark of Stage Six, and one of the more important focuses of this book. You realize now that you must deal to your damaged past, and learn to address anything at all that is holding you back. This may not be an easy path to walk, because you may have to face your demons fears, guilt and the like that hold you back. Accept yourself totally. You have only your own judgments to fear. Your life will really take off once you accept who you are and how you function, and you commit to honouring that. Furthermore, you will let go of many other judgments, especially of other people. This will necessitate a letting go of values, beliefs, perceptions and attitudes that no longer serve you, and creation of those that do. You are likely to be judged for doing this, but by Stage Six you are determined to honour your own knowing and your own truth.
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You will find yourself letting go of more and more of your old life in order that you can embark on the journey that is now opening up to you. You are wanting to cut away the old and embrace the new. Your focus is on being proactive and moving towards what works for you. No longer do you rely on pain as the motivating force to take you forwards - you are now planning your way ahead proactively. A characteristic of this life stage is the intention to prioritize steps to increase your life quality. While this process begins in Stage Five, here there is a much more concerted effort. Pursuing a life meaning and life purpose that you want to commit to are central to your raison detre for living. You may, for example, retrain so that you can do more useful things with your life. You may take on volunteer work that you feel passionate about. Whatever you do, you now feel your life is really worth living, and you are determined to live it to the full.
Personal Reflection: Take a moment to reflect on how proactively you are making your life happen, and any further steps it would be useful to take to ensure it gets even better. Reflect also on the strategies or support mechanisms you have in place to continue on the path of personal development.
Stage 7 Your new life challenges arise

Once you take full responsibility for your life, opportunities will present to you. It is as if the universe now backs you because you are backing yourself. As these new possibilities emerge, so may fears or self-doubt about your ability to move forward and seize these. The challenge at this point is to go within and trust in the skills, abilities, motivation and resolve that you discover there - to honour the new you that is emerging. The voices of others become of less importance to you. You know now, that the only life that is worth leading is the one that your spirit is demanding that you follow. Any other option amounts to a return to Stage Three - which may actually happen for a while, especially in certain areas of your life that you are yet to fully transform. Usually, however, by the time Stage Seven is reached, you are in the process of transforming every segment of your life. The needs and desires that arise from within are your own unique and evolving lifetime compass.
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It will now be very useful to have the support of mentors, those who have reached this stage in their own journey, and are walking the talk. When you look back over your life, you can see that it has changed immensely, and that in some ways you have left the old you behind, so different was that person from the one you have now consciously evolved into. By now you are using most, if not all, the tools in this book, and you may either now, or soon, be seeking the sort of information and lifechanging strategies that can take you on a conscious journey towards expanding your spirituality. You will find further books in this series of particular interest because they look at how human beings are users and creators of energy. By Stage Seven, you have come to realize that humans are more than just body and brain, and are keen to explore deeper meanings behind the human experience. What is exciting about the point you have now reached on your journey is that you know there are many others on a similar journey, that the path you are on gives you a greater sense of self and security, and that there is an abundance of ideas, workshops and the like which will take you from strength to strength. Personal Reflection: Take a moment to reflect on the richness in your life if you have reached Stage Seven, and if not, what steps you might take to reach it.
Stage 8 The universe mirrors your growth

This stage is characterized by opportunities presenting themselves to you. The universe mirrors your strength, determination, resolve, openness and flexibility by presenting gifts for you to accept or reject as you choose. These gifts are a reflection of your own positive, purposeful energies of conscious creation. Your inner knowing is now able to determine those choices that will advance and improve the quality of your journey. If emotional reactions occur, or you find yourself slipping into unhelpful, fearful perceptions of events, then you will be better able to support yourself compassionately as you witness these processes coming and going. This ability to stand back and observe the play of life as your inner processes come and go will bring you greater peace, even in the face of events that would have once really thrown you. You will notice your next lesson in the next incident that bothers you. By Stage Eight, you know that one of the key developments facing all human beings is to love both self and others. As you love and accept yourself more and more, you find yourself feeling greater compassion for and understanding of others. Tolerance, insight and wisdom will be your companions as you empathically watch others deal with those human processes you too once found so challenging. Indeed, compassion towards others at all stages of growth will be testament to your own development,
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and the maturation of your own heart. Being able to maintain peace, love and wisdom in the face of adversity will be the proof of how far you have come. This stage will usually be accompanied by an increased ability to appreciate your life, and the world you live in. You may find a better understanding developing as to why the world is the way it is, and you may feel content to play your part without feeling the need to solve all of the worlds problems. You will very likely find yourself more at ease with the pain and ignorance that surrounds you, content to play your part as it unfolds for you. Fully appreciate and accept self and others. There is now no room for judgment. Living your life effectively does not mean that life challenges will now stop. You will still have to deal with emotional disquiet, irrational behaviour in others, and so on. But something has shifted. You have reached the top of the self-development pyramid, a point in lifes journey that the renowned psychotherapist Abraham Maslow called self-actualization. Self-actualization does not mean a transcendence of all human problems. Conflict, anxiety, frustration, sadness, hurt, and guilt can all be found in healthy human beings. In general, the movement, with increasing maturity, is from neurotic pseudo-problems to the real, unavoidable, existential problems, inherent in the nature of man (even at his best). 6 Your choices and options expand both because the universe offers more, and also because you are now flexible enough to operate from what works best for you and others, and not from fear and doubt. Wisdom, insight and understanding are leading your life, not habit, fear and insecurity. Reaching and living in Stage Eight doesnt protect you from conflict, challenging emotions and having your expectations thwarted. However, you now have the tools to deal with these as they arise, and the compassion to look after yourself as well. Persons living their lives in this higher echelon of self-fulfilment and selfconnection may at times seem disconnected to outer reality, even while living day-today in this outer world, feeding, clothing and nurturing the human body as everyone has to do. Those living in Stage Eight have one foot in heaven, and the other on the earth. Little wonder that they may seem other-worldly to those who have both feet on the planet, or even one foot in hell. However, with practice, it is possible to live very successfully in your inner reality, while remaining connected with the outer world. 7 Only a small percentage of the population ever reaches Stage Eight. Fears, doubts, anxieties, denials, and energy blocks in their energy fields keep people from becoming what Maslow termed self-actualized. 8 Personal Reflection: Are there aspects of this stage manifesting already for you? The following chapters will help you see how to get there, but reflect for a moment on what you already know you must change in order to reach Stage Eight.
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Further review your life stage

When youre in a hole, stop digging. Denis Healey The following is a summary of our life path in six brief chapters. I love this little story, which in many respects summarizes the journey we must each take in order to avoid what no longer works for us, and instead head in a direction where we can become more fully the best version of ourselves we have yet created. It is a lighter, more flippant version of the life stages I have described above. Chapter One: I walk down a street which has a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in, and feel shocked, scared, helpless and angry at my misfortune. I think all sorts of negative thoughts about the person responsible for this hole, and I spend ages berating myself for going down this street in the first place. I take forever to get out of it. Chapter Two: I am walking down the same street, and again come to this same hole. I pretend I dont see it, and so I fall in again. Im furious that the same thing has happened again, and again I swear and curse at whoever is responsible for making this hole, and at myself for my mistake. Although I know better how to get out, it still takes me a long time to escape from it. Chapter Three: I am walking down the same street, and this time I see the hole in the sidewalk. Despite this, somehow I manage to fall in yet again. However, I know now that Im here because Im somehow drawn to this hole out of habit. So I take responsibility for my situation, and using what Ive learned from falling into the hole before, I get out very quickly. Chapter Four: I walk down the same street yet again. When I come to the deep hole in the sidewalk, I carefully and deliberately walk around it, giving the hole a wide berth.
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Chapter Five: I walk down another street. Chapter Six: I walk down the street that brings me greatest enjoyment.
The value to me of this story has been to reflect on which street I am walking down in the different areas of my life. I notice, for example, that I have learned valuable lessons in relationships, in managing my thinking and emotions, but I still have some way to go as regards the best way to deal with people who are deceitful. I also enjoy looking back and seeing how much Ive learned, and how much pain I no longer put myself through. Ive learned that the art of living involves noticing which holes I tend most easily to fall into, and making every effort to make choices which keep me out of those holes Ive frequented before. I can also measure my progress by how quickly I get myself out of any holes I find myself in yet again. When I first came across this story, it contained only the first five chapters. I have since learned that life is not only about learning how to avoid familiar holes, getting out of them effectively, and which streets to avoid, but also about making sure the street I choose to walk is the best available. This is particularly true when you come to understand that we each create our life by what we choose to focus on, a subject I will return to often. Therefore, seeking out the best streets, and being determined to walk down only those streets, will help keep you on the straight and narrow. Life, then, is about creating what is best for us, and no longer falling down holes because we are reacting in knee-jerk ways to circumstances. This book is about how to create that life by consciously choosing how you want it to be. To fully take charge of your life, you will have to rework all parts of your current life that are not working so well. This is no small undertaking, and one that the common man and woman simply are not prepared to face. Most people make cosmetic changes to their lives, like changing one uninspiring job for another, or one dysfunctional relationship for another. Such people are really only moving the chairs on the deck of the Titanic. They are not changing the direction of the ship, but rather creating a little more variety in their lives. 9 The pages ahead invite you to change ships. You will be invited to adopt completely different ways of looking at life, and invited to bring into your life entirely new sets of people. Those who have done it, like myself, have pushed through the discomfort of being out of our comfort zone, but the reward has been to get a great life.
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Personal Reflection: Which stages are you at in your friendships, intimate relationships, work, finances and personal growth? Reflect on the skills you have already developed in dealing with lifes challenges in order to have reached the stages you are now in. Where do you see your present challenges arising? In which areas of your life have you been a boiled frog? Do you have a need to get out of the boiling your life? Set the intention to do so if you are determined to begin creating change. This book and those that follow will give you strategies for improving the quality of your life, no matter which stages you are in. Before we consider the details, though, lets look at what we know about how winners are created, and how they differ from losers.
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Chapter 2
Living life as a Winner

Everything a man does hinges on his personal power. Therefore, for one who doesn't have any, the deeds of a powerful man are incredible. It takes power to even conceive what power is.... Carlos Castaneda, Tales of Power LAW OF UNIVERSAL FUNCTIONING: Everything is energy. Directing this energy provides us with power. LAW OF MENTAL FUNCTIONING Thoughts are energy, and therefore have power. LAW OF PERSONAL POWER Personal power is an energy which directs, and can be directed by, an individual who has mastered their inner world. No matter what you noticed about your life in the last chapter, you can probably see that there is still some work to do. As you reflect on your life's patterns, you may notice that there are times when you feel powerful, happy and on track, and that there are also times when you feel a victim to circumstances. Throughout Section 1 you will discover how easy it is for people to surrender their personal power to situations, people, and childhood conditioning, and give up on being the Princes and Princesses we were each designed to be. We will first reflect on the daily control dramas we get ourselves caught up in, and how these sabotage our best intentions to be empowered, successful and happy. Before discussing how involvement in interpersonal dramas will sap your power, lets begin by being very very clear about what power is, why it is important to have power, and how power can enhance your life. Then, in Section 2, we will focus on the 12 choices that will bring power and passion into your life.
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Losers cultivate poor relationships
What is personal power?

A man is no more than the sum of his personal power. Carlos Castaneda, Journey to Ixtlan, Personal power is something few people have very much of, largely because they mismanage the energies of their mind. And many others wouldnt want personal power even if it was offered to them, because in many if not most cultures, some do not consider that it is appropriate or nice to be powerful. Sadly, this state of affairs keeps many of us living only half a life, a life that is not truly empowered, a life where being a superb and successful human being is not an allowable option. Fortunately, beliefs like this can be changed. Yet we can only really be ourselves, and lead a full, loving and giving life, if we develop our personal power to the fullest.
By being anything less than this, we are choosing to remain a Victim. Winners are people who live life knowing their own personal power, and who choose to operate differently to others. This book describes that journey. Personal power, to many people, might sound aggressive, bossy, demanding, coercive, manipulative or even violent. However, these are examples of behaviours that attempt to control others by having power over them, and are symptomatic of someone actually lacking personal power. You may think of oppression and exploitation when the word power is used, and thus you may not wish to be powerful because you may fear becoming a pushy, bossy, insensitive and disliked individual. Whenever we are tempted to control others because we want power over them, it is because we struggle to cope with life without engineering others to behave as we would wish. Controlling behaviours are always a sign that personal power has been lost. Those with high levels of personal power never use it at the expense of others. Power over others has created a trail of destruction on our planet over many millennia, and has been used manipulatively by those fearful of what could happen if they were not in control, getting their own way, pushing others around.1 Power over others is, in fact, weakness disguised as strength. True power lies within. Mahatma Gandhi demonstrated this power, and despite being vilified by the authorities both in India and South Africa for his actions, left a legacy of empowerment for his people.2
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Wielding power over others is a strategy used to avoid noticing your own powerlessness. To be powerful means to be able to work with the energies of the world, especially your own. Powerful people have heaps of energy to use as they will, and with which to attract energy from the world as well see shortly. Inner power is generated by being able to manage your thoughts, attitudes, beliefs, values, emotions and behaviours, and it is added to through fitness, positive perspectives, loving your self and living your passion. All these energies can be controlled, enhanced and utilized by a Winner who has learned the art of energy self-management
Winners cultivate personal power

We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same. The trick is in what one emphasizes. Carlos Castaneda, Journey to Ixtlan Winners have a truck-load of personal power. They have learned how to store their energy, and not dissipate it with pointless and energy-draining spats, squabbles, selfdoubt and self-criticism. They can attract to themselves those events which add spice and quality to their lives. Most people engage and indulge in activities that exhaust them, and one of the key ways in which they do that is by getting involved in control dramas. The main reason behind making such unhelpful choices lies in beliefs which keep ones self stuck in Im not OK, or Youre not OK. As well see, deeply entrenched negative self-beliefs and fears keep people acting out of a Victim mentality. Winners, though, know this, so they address their Achilles heels and do what is necessary to change themselves. The process of becoming a Winner requires discipline, planning, determination and continuous resolve to do the work needed.
Psychologist Joshua David Stone makes the point that The key to understanding personal power is not to give it away to anyone or any aspect within yourself ever. The key is to always remain in your power. This takes great mental discipline and training. You do not want to give your power to your thoughts, feelings, emotions, desires, physical-body appetites, sexuality, instincts, imagination, dreams, subpersonalities or any other inner qualities.3 Personal power, then, is determined by how you relate to yourself as well as to others and your environment. Winners get
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their act together on all dimensions of existence; they leave no stone unturned in the battle to master the self. Acquiring personal power requires strong intent. This art must be learned. In some spiritual and personal development traditions, the acquisition of personal power is seen as a pre-requisite to making progress along that path. It is deemed an essential if a person is to progress from the mediocrity that besets most of humankind. In the tradition that the next quote comes from, the path that must be walked for the acquisition of power is called the path of the warrior, which I will describe further in the next chapter. Here Toltec teacher Juan Matus speaks to Carlos Castaneda, who is learning how to walk the path of the warrior. He is explaining to his student what the development of personal power is all about. Power is something a warrior deals with At first its an incredible, farfetched affair; it is hard to even think about it Then power becomes a serious matter; one may not have it, or one may not even fully realize that it exists, yet one knows that something is there, something which was not noticeable before. Next power is manifested as something uncontrollable that comes to oneself. It is not possible for me to say how it comes or what it really is. It is nothing and yet it makes marvels appear before your very eyes. And finally, power is something in oneself, something that controls ones acts and yet obeys ones command Personal power grows, and you may have the case of a warrior who has so much personal power that he becomes a man of knowledge.a man who has, without rushing or faltering, gone as far as he can in unravelling the secrets of power. 4 Throughout his teachings to Castaneda, Juan Matus explains that personal power is developed by developing oneself. It comes when one cleans up ones own life, much as light comes into a room that a candle has been brought into. Similarly, the darkness of ignorance is banished at the same moment. He explains to Castaneda that it takes time and effort to master personal power, and yet while it may be difficult to define, personal power creates enormous change in ones life. Personal power is a feeling, he said. Something like being lucky. Or one may call it a mood. Personal power is something that one acquires regardless of ones origin. The difficulty with you (speaking to Castaneda), which is the difficulty with all of us, is to be convinced. I too did not want to take the path of a warrior. I believed that all that work was for nothing, and since we are all going to die what difference would it make to be a warrior? I was wrong. But I had to find that out for myself. Whenever you do realize that you are wrong, and that it certainly makes a world of difference, you say that you are convinced. And then you can proceed by yourself. And by yourself you may even become a man of knowledge.
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It takes power to even conceive what power is. This is what I have been trying to tell you all along. But I know you dont understand, not because you dont want to but because you have very little personal power. 4 As you learn to save energy in your life your personal power will grow. Most people give away their personal power, and thus their chance to be a Winner, by indulging in perspectives, beliefs, behaviours and unhelpful thinking by which they energetically shoot themselves in the foot. Because such thinking is habitual and begins in childhood, Winners always address any baggage they have carried from childhood into their adult years. They cull indulgent dramas from their life, and stop wasting energy on activities that leave them feeling emotionally or mentally drained. No one else can do this for them. It can be a lonely journey, even though there are many others who will turn up to support you when you begin supporting yourself. But the journey begins with you, by taking full responsibility for developing your personal power. Heres how spiritual teacher Juan Matus emphasized the role of personal responsibility: When a man decides to do something he must go all the way, but he must take responsibility for what he does. No matter what he does, he must know first why he is doing it, and then he must proceed with his actions without doubts or remorse about them. 5 Personal power is not something you create. It is an internal energy that automatically arises when you remove the dross from your life. Juan Matus explained to Castaneda on more than one occasion that because he had stored immense personal power, he could perform unbelievable feats that even a fit young man would be unable or pushed to accomplish. On one such occasion after Juan Matus had scurried up a mountain side out-pacing his much younger student, Castaneda quizzed him about his ability to do this. I am as young as I want to be. This again is a matter of personal power. If you store power your body can perform unbelievable feats. On the other hand, if you dissipate power, youll be a fat old man in no time at all. 6
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The powerful cultivate power

Most powerful is he who has himself in his own power. Seneca It took me years to learn many of the lessons required to enhance my own personal power, and I have yet to reach the heights that the teacher quoted above was alluding to. However, I am well aware that there are lesser yet still useful ways for me to measure my personal power - such as my levels of energy, the synchronicities I attract into my life, the ability I have to create the life I want, my ability to control my mind and stop it running away on tangents beset by worry, my ability to control my mind so that I can deeply relax, and my ability to ward off developing an ailing, sagging, pain-ridden body. I also have sufficient power to attract exciting and expansive people into my life. I do not consider myself as powerful yet as I would like to be, but I do know I have a great deal more power than the average person, and I know what to do to keep enhancing what I have. Notice how your thoughts, emotions and actions affect your levels of mental, emotional and physical energy. To give you a preview of the sorts of personality and character you will need to cultivate in order to become a Winner and a person with considerable personal power, the rest of this section provides a brief overview of how Losers lose the battle of life, and then how Winners live in order to run off with all the spoils. Dont be deterred if you seem to be making little progress. Be assured by Juan Matus words to his young charge. I didnt know I was storing power when I first began to learn the ways of a warrior. Just like you, I thought I wasnt doing anything in particular, but that was not so. Power has the peculiarity of being unnoticeable when it is being stored. 7 People develop power simply by living a power-saving and power-storing lifestyle the life of a Winner. It isn't about going to extremes, trying really hard, repressing aspects of your personality, or by 'working hard' at it. You will become more powerful, influential, supportive of yourself, in charge of your life, and attracting of quality experiences when you consistently behave in energy-saving and energy-building ways. Winners make it happen. Losers let it happen. During the course of my life, I have noticed that I have attracted some great teachers, and some sublime teachings. Yet many others have attracted nothing and no-one. By the time they have entered their sixth decade, as I have recently done, they are tired and worn out, rather like an old, dry and dusty mummy. Personal power attracts opportunities, especially opportunities to discover what an amazing world we live in. How sad, yet how inevitable, that so many never attract such experiences.
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Exercise: Personal power in my life Consider the amount of power you have in your life by reviewing this check-list. Although by no means a complete list of factors that indicate whether or not you have considerable personal power, it will give you an indication. Never 1. Im very clear as to who I am and what Im passionate about. 2. I have lots of energy for each day. 3. I make life happen for myself. I create what I want to have happen. 4. I avoid getting involved in control dramas. 5. I dont allow myself to be a victim in any part of my life. 6. I take the attitude that the state of my life is up to me. 7. I attract good things into my life. 8. I notice and act on the useful coincidences that come my way. 9. I love my life and look forward to a positive future. 10. I feel very much in touch with the different energies in the world. You will have an opportunity to improve your levels of personal power, and thus the flow in your life, with strategies described in the chapters to follow. Sometimes Often
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Chapter 3

We don't receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us. Marcel Proust LAW OF PERSONAL POWER Personal power is an energy which directs, and can be directed by, an individual who has mastered their inner world. LAW OF WINNERS Winners build and conserve energy. They share it only with those seeking to build and conserve personal power. We are born Winners. We are trained to be Losers. Losers immerse themselves in the Control Drama Triangle, in which they have been coached, usually from childhood. It is worth describing how we can find ourselves stuck in the Control Drama Triangle, because if we are to be a Winner and empowered, then we must be alert to what stops us from being that.
Persecutor
Rescuer
Victim
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In order to avoid living your life (even if only occasionally) as a Victim, Rescuer, or Persecutor, you will have to be determined to stay out of this triangle. We find ourselves caught in these roles when we feel betrayed, hurt, resentful, angry or humiliated by bosses, caregivers, partners or significant others. While it may seem as though we are stuck with whatever emotions we feel about certain people, this is a fiction. No matter what weve been through, had done to us, or done to others, we can clear our past and move on. Behaviours rooted in the Control Drama Triangle will never lead to a life of happiness or empowerment. A person caught in this relationship triangle will find themselves swinging from one to the other of these roles, most probably specializing in one of them. Certainly, the behaviours associated with this triangle of behavioural choices will not lead to personal empowerment and a Winner lifestyle.1 A Victim is someone who is not coping with life, either by inviting others to disempower him/her, unwittingly being disempowered, or surrendering power. We are not talking about a genuine victim here, such as someone who is run over by a car. We are referring to mental or emotional Victims, people who dont or wont take control of their happiness and destiny. Either this person has given up on supporting themselves to make something of their life, or they are allowing others to control, manipulate, overwhelm, or coerce them into thoughts, beliefs, emotions or actions they would be better off without. Even though on the surface a person may dislike having their life controlled by another, frequently childhood conditioning or destructive early adult relationships, set people up for a life of powerlessness. Typical Victim behaviours include avoidance, withdrawing powerlessly from others or situations, deceitfulness, ignoring problems or situations needing addressing, thinking negatively about life or oneself, quiet manipulation, procrastination, or avoidance of personal responsibility. Winners would never allow such behaviours to dominate their life. A Winner will learn from what goes wrong, or mistakes they make. We all make mistakes, but Winners are determined to learn how not to repeat them, and how to benefit from adverse experiences.
A Victim reacts to their life. A Winner creates their life. Control dramas are energy sapping, and it is by saving energy that we develop personal power. And by developing personal power, we are able to enter worlds of experience that the average person never accesses. Here is how Juan Matus explained his phenomenon to Carlos Castaneda, who was learning the art of what his teacher
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called sorcery. Sorcery is basically the art of using energy in ways beyond the realm of most people's lives people who have too little saved energy to live an amazing life. Think of it this way It isnt that as time goes by youre learning sorcery; rather, what youre learning is to save energy. And this energy will enable you to handle some of the energy fields which are inaccessible to you now. And that is sorcery: the ability to use energy fields that are not employed in perceiving the ordinary world we know. Sorcery is a state of awareness. Sorcery is the ability to perceive something which ordinary perception cannot. 2 I am not introducing you to the world of sorcery - doing that would only load you with more belief systems, which would sap you of more energy because you would be following something which did not gel with your own knowing or experience. Rather, I am introducing you to the Toltec tradition because it is a path (one of many) that helps its students to save energy, and thus access fields of awareness, or levels of consciousness, that most people never get to experience. The Control Drama Triangle is a useful model to show you the sorts of behaviours and lifestyles that drain people of their energy, and thus severely limit their experience of what is possible in life. It takes energy to detect and implement ways in which you can enhance your personal power. Wasting energy through trivial pursuits like manipulation, deceit, dishonesty, self-importance, self-pity, and the many other variants that common people get engrossed in is a recipe for wasting ones life. Well really get a life when we tidy up our act.
Victims cultivate powerlessness

It isnt easy to be a Victim. Only repeated practice can make it so. Jeff Saunders You will know you are being a Victim whenever you blame someone else for the state of your life, stay in an abusive relationship, prop yourself up with drugs, gambling, nicotine or some other addiction, live a life that is boring, predictable or unhealthy, stay in a job you loathe, or have no idea or motivation as to how to create the good life. Victims have three main ways of expressing their powerlessness. The first of these is to surrender to circumstances that seem overwhelming by getting depressed or anxious and living only half a life. The second is by escaping how you feel through addictive or other denying behaviours. Finally, you can be a Victim by rebelling and then taking it out on others. Our choices will very likely be influenced
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by the strategies adopted and modelled by our caregivers. helplessness is learned helplessness, and can be unlearned.
These are learned. All
Victim strategies only work in the short term. Some are so self-damaging, they may prevent alternative future choices from ever being possible. Sadly, most people live much of their life in a Victim state. Just ask a large sample of people how happy they are about their circumstances. Others settle for mediocrity, without even realizing they have done so. It takes courage, determination, motivation, understanding, insight and personal responsibility to be a Winner. Once you take full responsibility notice that full responsibility for what is happening in your life, and determine to change it, providence (actually your personal power) will support your intentions. The first step is to know that your life could be better, and commit yourself to improving it. To take that path in the Toltec tradition is to walk the path of the warrior, slaying your ego when it becomes defensive, passive or aggressive and by so doing gets in the way of functional living. Juan Matus comments earlier summed up this predicament. The difficulty with you, (he said to his disciple), which is the difficulty with all of us, is to be convinced. I too did not want to take the path of a warrior. I believed that all that work was for nothing, and since we are all going to die what difference would it make to be a warrior? I was wrong. But I had to find that out for myself. Whenever you do realize that you are wrong, and that it certainly makes a world of difference, you say that you are convinced. And then you can proceed by yourself. 4 Remember this so long as you act like a Victim, you are training others in how they should treat you like a Victim. The way you are determines how youll be treated. So long as you are determined to seek personal power, and take the steps necessary to cultivate it, you will learn how to achieve mastery over your life. When you take the first step towards change, the universe will support your intentions and efforts.
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Escaping the role of being a Victim isn't about taking drastic action. Rather, it is about noticing the little things you would prefer to do differently each day and doing them differently. It is about noticing those reactions you have that dont serve you, and determining not to go down paths that dont enhance your life. Such change does not require any fanfare or trumpet call just a determined resolve to let go of habits and reactions that you can see come back to bite you where it hurts most.
The blame game ensures powerlessness

I pay no attention whatever to anybody's praise or blame. I simply follow my own feelings. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart Every now and then, I catch myself in a flat or grumpy mood. Usually its because Ive allowed myself to get bothered by someone elses behaviour. I notice at such times that in my head, Im blaming the other person for being who they are. But of course blaming someone is simply giving them my power. Im voluntarily going into mental submission to them even when theyre nowhere to be seen. At times I might get trapped in this state for up to an hour or two before realizing that Im acting like a Victim, a Loser. I remind myself that Ive taken on a point of view thats got me into this state, and that by adopting an alternative viewpoint, I can get myself out again. I listen to music, think about how good my financial situation is, remember an uplifting discussion with someone, or, as happened today, tune in to a bird singing its song from a nearby tree. Most of us can slip into Victim emotions from time to time. And we can all get out again. When Carlos Castaneda was being tutored by his teacher Juan Matus, he was being encouraged to firstly recognize that he was a Victim to life, and that it was personal power that would be needed to escape that predicament. One needs the mood of a warrior for every single act, otherwise one becomes distorted and ugly. There is no power in a life that lacks this mood. Look at yourself, (he said, drawing Castanedas attention to himself), everything upsets you. You whine and complain and feel that everyone is making you
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dance to their tune. You are a leaf at the mercy of the wind. There is no power in your life. What an ugly feeling that must be! 5 Victims dance to the tune of others, or the tune of their own programming, usually installed by others. Winners are warriors who track Victim tendencies in their own thinking or actions, and root them out. Winners arent going to have their life controlled by bullies of the past or bullies of the present. A warrior is a hunter. He calculates everything. Thats control. But once his calculations are over, he acts. Thats abandon. A warrior is not a leaf at the mercy of the wind. No one can push him, no one can make him do things that are against himself or against his better judgment. A warrior is tuned to survive, and he survives in the best of all possible fashions. 6 Remember this Victim formula. Blame Excuses Denial If you make your own BED, you will have to lie on it (and maybe in it!) If you are a winner, on the other hand, you will have Ownership Accountability Responsibility Winners put their OAR in and row their own boat through life. Take full responsibility for your life. Make that a blameless act.
Personal Reflection: What happened to you in the last couple of days that you would like, in retrospect, to have done differently? What would stop you making choices that would better support you next time? Let's suppose you step outside your comfort zone and just do what you know would best support yourself. Could you cope with the consequences of doing that?
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What small steps could you take to regularly support and back yourself more than you do at present?
Bullies and control freaks are also Losers

Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war first and then seek to win. Sun-tzu, Chinese general & military strategist, 400 BC. To want to control others, put them down, hurt them, or take away their rights, options or power, is Persecutor behaviour. The only reason you would ever choose to be a Persecutor would be to avoid being a Victim. Most Persecutors dont realize that a fear of being controlled, missing out, losing power, not getting their own way, or a fear of the actions of others underpins their choice of unwise behaviours, which, in the long run, dont serve them at all. Persecutors will manipulate, coerce, deceive, bully, abuse, violate, admonish, criticize, interrogate, intimidate or shame in order to feel powerful and in control. They may also use quieter, more subtle and innocent-looking strategies such as ignoring, withdrawing, defying, remaining aloof or distant, being manipulative, overconfident or even pretending to be a Victim. Persecution often involves aggression or even violence, and certainly tramples over another persons rights, respect or both. Some Persecutors specialize in psychological abuse of others, some prefer to throw their weight around quite literally, while others can be quiet, subversive or mean. Persecution is Loser behaviour because it ruins lives, wastes energy and achieves nothing of worth. Winners often avoid Persecutors because Winners are personally empowered, while Persecutors have to manipulate or bully others in order to acquire pseudo-power. Furthermore, closeness and intimacy isnt very likely for a Persecutor, because smart people arent motivated to get intimate with bullies and control freaks. Persecutors often find themselves alone in life, emotionally, psychologically or geographically.
Persecutors have usually had a tough childhood, and have learned to disguise or even ignore their fears, hurts, regrets, shame or any emotion that would make them feel
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vulnerable. But this strategy for avoiding past wounding comes at a high price usually very unsatisfying interpersonal relationships. The only sure way to avoid getting caught in Persecutor behaviour, then, is to address the Victim feelings that lie underneath. Worse still, Persecutor fool themselves that they are already powerful, and so they miss out on discovering how to cultivate real personal power. Persecutors will often act as if they dont have a problem. But a quick glance at the impact of their behaviour on them tells its own story. Nigel was a classic Persecutor. The child of a persecuting father and a mother who was a doormat to her husband, Nigel was trained to be arrogant, obnoxious, insensitive and self-centered all the qualities his father had also demonstrated. Nigel, in order to survive a critical and nasty father and a mother too pathetic to help her son, learned to fight back, hide his feelings, care only about himself, and think it tough to be a Persecutor like his father. As an adult, Nigel laughed as he told stories of how his father would humiliate him, hit him, and criticize him. Nigel, in the time I knew him, never got to grips with the Victim experiences he had as a child, and never saw his persecuting as a problem, despite alienating his wife, and then each of his three children, as they grew up and decided to avoid his company. Nigel was a Victim to his parenting, but never recognized that he had ruined his life because he had never owned his childhood damage, and had never addressed his alienating and persecutory behaviours. Winners stand back and look at themselves. They are not self-critical, just self-empowered to change what doesnt work. A variation on persecuting others is to bully yourself. Whenever you criticize yourself, blame yourself, minimize your worth, or speak negatively to yourself because of something you did or didnt do, you are repeating abuse youve received in the past and were trained to exact upon yourself. Such self-generated mental anguish is simply empowering those who spoke down to you, or minimized you, in the past. In order to become a Winner, this sort of nonsense will have to be turfed out of your head. It is destructive, inaccurate (although you may believe otherwise), disempowering, energy-draining and a sure recipe for an unfulfilling life. Just tell your mind that youre no longer going to tolerate this toxic concoction of mental diatribe, and that when you notice such nonsense in the future, youll immediately move your focus on to better things.
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Rescuing others wont empower anybody

Good people are good because they've come to wisdom through failure. William Saroyan It may sound noble to rescue a person from difficult circumstances, but this behaviour will also hinder your endeavours to be a Winner, will waste your energy, and will do both of these for the Victim you rescue also. Rescuers have a need to be needed, and will often go out of their way for others, often resenting having to do so, resenting getting no thanks for doing so, or be resented for the help they have offered. Many Rescuers are very caring people, who genuinely want to help others and be supportive. However, because of their need to be needed, their desire to be good or nice, and their empathy for other people, Rescuers can find themselves running around after everybody, frustrated that it is taking so much of their time and energy, and also bothered when the person they are helping seems unable to stand on their own two feet. What others do with their life is none of your business, except to the extent youve been asked to help at no cost to you. Rescuing is not Winner behaviour, because it is wasting time and energy on someone elses business, when that person may be much better off taking responsibility for their situation and solving their own problems. Rather, it is a desire to take control, and perhaps quietly, even pleasantly, coerce someone to conform to your requirements about being functional. Rescuing can be seen to be unhelpful when the person helped has not asked for, does not need, or does not benefit in the long term from the assistance offered. This very toxic process creates a dependency in the Victim that has been termed learned helplessness. While it might seem like helping, in actual fact, rescuing causes disempowerment of the person rescued, and shows an inability on the part of the Rescuer to honour and respect the boundaries of others. I can remember that as a young man I somehow managed to feel superior when I allowed myself to be swamped by the desire to be nice to everybody and to help anyone who looked as though they needed my superior ability to cope. I rescued by giving my time to people because I felt too guilty to say No to them. I listened to people who were upset simply because I felt sorry for them, and unable to escape meeting their needs. I rescued kids I was teaching because they werent doing well even though many had no intention of succeeding. I was the typical do-gooder who would help an old lady across the street while she beat me with her handbag for getting in her way. Rescuers need to be needed.
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Guilt and anxiety keep them playing that game.
The Toltec tradition throws light on the helping process as well, and how we can only help people help themselves. Speaking again to Castaneda, Don Juan patiently explained that he could use his personal power however he pleased, in anything he himself wanted, but when it came to giving it directly to another person, it was useless unless that person utilized it for his own search of personal power. You see, the key to stored power is that it can be used only to help someone else store power. 7 You will therefore only be truly helping another, if, as a result of your energy input, their life becomes more empowered. Winners act only when doing so generates increased personal power for all concerned. In the health and helping professions, Rescuers are two-a-penny. Its so easy to rescue when you are working with people in need. When I am training counsellors in the skill of developing boundaries, I emphasize the need to support people to support themselves, to encourage self-sufficiency rather than invite dependence. It is quite a challenge to be caring or loving of someone, yet stand back and watch while that person makes mistakes, gets frustrated, continues to attract dramas into their life, and fails to empower themselves. Yet, in order to transcend training in learned helplessness, the best support comes in the form of assistance to take ownership of and solve ones own problems. Martin Seligman, a professor at the University of Philadelphia, points out that in order for people to function with good mental health, they must learn to take response-ability for their own lives, and not be rescued as if they are inherently helpless. 8 Dont support learned helplessness. Support learned resourcefulness.
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Here is a typical meal-time discussion in a family entrenched in Control Dramas. See if you can pick the role each is playing: Daughter: Are we going to that weird place we went to last year for our holiday? Father: If youre talking about that lovely beach where we stayed in that charming and expensive cabin that you chose not to appreciate, then yes. Theres every chance. Daughter: Its so boring. Theres absolutely nothing to do. Even the seagulls looked bored. Son: Thats because you slept all day and didnt get off your backside. What do you expect a holiday to be like if you sleep the whole time? Mother: Now thats enough bickering. Theres no need to start a fight. Im sure well work out something that will suit everyone. Father: It would suit me to stay home. If youre bored, then we could all stay here and Id save some money. Then your mother and I could go somewhere we liked while you stayed at home sleeping and wasting your pretty young life away. Son: Thanks a lot. Dont lump me in with that blob over there. Just because shes got the get-up-and-go of a sloth, we dont all have to suffer. Daughter: You can talk. You werent so active yourself. If those slobs of friends hadnt been there, you wouldnt have done anything either. Father: Your brothers friends were all a lot older than you. You didnt like them because their interests were so much different to yours. Mother: Im not sure that throwing stones at birds counts as an interest. If we go this year, I dont want to see any of that foolish, childish behaviour again. Only thugs and dimwits behave like that. and so on . Winners dont get drawn into ego trips or get bothered when others have them. An alternative to being a Loser, then, is to develop the skills, attitudes, and intentions of a Winner. In this, the player in each role moves towards more functional and useful behaviour, where needs are met, rights are respected, and all of the other characteristics of a Winner described in this chapter are adopted. In the personal development literature, this role is also known as that of a warrior. It is the art of impeccable energy-saving behaviour.
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Exercise: Do you indulge in Control Dramas? Here you have an opportunity to determine whether or not you indulge in Control Drama behaviours. Be honest with your answers when responding to the quizzes below. You might also like to apply this test to individuals you find challenging to relate with! I often feel helpless, hopeless, or worthless.
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Behaviours Persecutor Never Behaviours Rescuer Never Sometimes Sometimes Often Often I feel taken advantage of. shout at those whom I love. I dont think people appreciate what I do for them. People react as if they are frightened of I love it when people need me. me, especially those close to me. If I could fix the world, I would. If theres conflict, tryato stop it. Ive been a told Im a Ill bit of control freak. I see myself as caring to a fault, even at my own I insist on expense atgetting times. my own way, and usually do. I'm successful at manipulating others If someone needs my help, I give it. to get I get exhausted just from helping others. what I want. I admire the part of me that puts others needs I put people down or call them names. before my own. Guilt ishave a common emotion for me. I dont very intimate relationships. I avoid conflict at all times. I tend to talk forcefully when I strongly disagree with others. If people muck me around, I verbally or physically put them in their place. I take no nonsense from anyone. I seem to be angry quite a lot. I don't mind conflict if that's what it takes to get things done.
I invite you to look at your responses, and decide which, if any, Control Dramas you still buy into. Armed with that awareness, consider which behaviours or attitudes you will need to change if you are to become a Winner. It may be useful to document in My Personal Planner some more helpful choices you could adopt if you again find yourself tempted to get immersed in a Control Drama.
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Chapter 4
The art of becoming a Warrior-Winner

To achieve the mood of a warrior is not a simple matter. It is a revolution....to seek the perfection of the warrior's spirit is the only task worthy of our manhood. Carlos Castaneda, Journey to Ixtlan
LAW OF PERSONAL POWER Personal power is an energy which directs, and can be directed by, an individual who has mastered their inner world.
LAW OF WINNERS Winners build and conserve energy. They share it only with those seeking to build and conserve personal power. For the warrior, thinking, feeling or acting within the Control Drama Triangle is energy-sapping, unproductive, unfulfilling, and a sure way to waste a life. No-one who really wants to be in charge of their destiny ever acts as though someone else has control over it. There are definite strategies that anyone determined to live an empowered life can adopt, and a number of traditions have demonstrated to the world how that can be done. The path of personal power is termed, in many of these traditions, the path of the warrior.1 Warriorship embraces bravery and fearlessness, and these attributes have been esteemed in many cultures, from South American Indian societies, to Samurai warriorship in Japan, to the legendary knights of King Arthurs round table.2 The term warrior may sound a male-only option, but it applies just as well to women, as Im sure Xena the Warrior-Princess, star of the popular TV series would hasten to assure you. Many teachings speak of the path of the warrior, some referring to the way of the 'peaceful warrior'. Their premise is that there is a certain way of being which enables us to get the most out of life, which enables us to live a life of fullness, and of impeccably managing all that comes our way. The normal concept of being a warrior has a cultural meaning associated with violence, aggression, killing and so on. However, in the days when men lived by the sword, there were certain personal characteristics and behaviours that were required in order to survive that lifestyle. These you too can acquire, without having to slay anyone.
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The most successful warriors were those who achieved excellence with weapons due to their ability to concentrate, remain focused and positive in the face of fear, being very aware with highly alerted senses, and avoiding a slothful attitude to their life or life situations. A warrior is always sharp, alert, impeccable, and is determined to stay a winner.
In our modern time, the warrior attitude to life is still needed. Without it, our life will only be a shadow of its full potential. The biggest enemy most of us face is within us. It is our ego the I that demands to be seen as important, number one, pampered, protected, admired, honoured, valued and respected by others. Slaying our sizeable ego, or at least disempowering it, takes all of our energy, and is a lifelong task. Our personal development depends on it, as does our acquisition of personal power, because our ego distracts us from our true potential. "War, for a warrior, is the total struggle against that individual self that has deprived man of his power." 3 In the Shambhala tradition from Tibet, it is similarly expressed." The goal of warriorship is to express basic goodness in its most complete, fresh and brilliant form. This is possible when you realize that you do not possess basic goodness, but that you are basic goodness itself ..... that state of being is called egolessness. 4 Ironically, it is only when we recognize that we are inherently worthwhile, good, wholesome and enough, that we can give up having to seek proof of this fact. When weve achieved that, there is no longer any need for our ego to act as if it has something to prove. We have come home to the self, and the self is all we need. There is nothing further to be done. All personal power comes from who we are on the inside, and has nothing to do with accomplishments. It is a state of being, not an achievement, and I term this the Warrior-Winner mindset. The path of the warrior-winner brings out those qualities that we all have the potential to manifest.
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A Warrior-Winner masters personal power

As a hunter, a warrior knows that the world is made to be used. So he uses every bit of it. Carlos Castaneda To develop the approach of the warrior-winner, you have to leave the Control Drama Triangle behind, and move to a more useful style of behaviour and thinking. It is indeed a revolution, and one which I dont recommend you enter into without first thinking it through. You will need to notice the old ways of doing things that dont work, and change them all. Its easy to know what must change everything that weakens you, exhausts you, limits you, disempowers you, pushes your buttons, or sabotages your desire to succeed. Each of these are signs that your life is being hijacked by self-destructive forces from within. Losers spend their life reacting. Winners seek unassailable personal power. But to take charge requires an acute awareness of self, and the determination to master your life. To achieve success, and learn about your old habits, you will need to stalk yourself (in the words of don Juan of the Toltec tradition), creep up on old behaviours and notice how useless certain ways of behaving and thinking are. It is a commitment to a particular perspective and mood the mood of determination, resolve and strong intent. Don Juan, the teacher of Carlos Castaneda, had this to say to his charge: The hardest thing in the world is to assume the mood of a warrior It is of no use to be sad and complain and feel justified in doing so, believing that someone is always doing something to us. Nobody is doing anything to anybody, much less a warrior. Self-pity doesnt jibe with power The mood of a warrior calls for control over himself and at the same time it calls for abandoning himself. ...I want to show you that you can spur yourself beyond your limits if you are in the proper mood. A warrior makes his own mood. One needs the mood of a warrior for every single act Otherwise one becomes distorted and ugly. There is no power in a life that lacks this mood. Look at yourself. Everything offends and upsets you. You whine and complain and feel that everyone is making you dance their tune. You are a leaf at the mercy of the wind. There is no power in your life. What an ugly feeling that must be. 5 As you can see, remaining a Victim isnt an option for someone seeking personal power. In fact, being a Victim is a way to throw your power into the wind and watch it blow away. Similarly, being a Persecutor is just a mask for being a Victim, and Rescuing is similarly a mask for dealing with uncertainty and fear of losing control.
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No-one is stopping you having a life.

To blame others is to remain deluded.
The first step in the mastery of power is to intend developing it. The next step, with determination and persistence, is to hunt it. Once we hunt with a determination to reach our potential, we can be who we desire to be. I began hunting power by being determined to take full responsibility for my life, by being in charge of my reactions to others, and by being what I chose to be, and doing what I chose to do. This was a beginning.
Become a hunter of power

Hunting power is a peculiar event. It first has to be an idea, then it has to be set up, step by step, and then, bingo! It happens. Carlos Castaneda, Journey to Ixtlan The path of the warrior-winner is one that requires focus and clear intent. That is the only way to make a difference. We never drift into competence accidentally. We do it only when we execute a plan that we know will work. Don Juan told Castaneda that he must hunt power, he must do whatever it took to build his personal power. A warrior, on the other hand, is a hunter. He calculates everything. Thats control. But once his calculations are over, he acts. He lets go. Thats abandon. A warrior is not a leaf at the mercy of the wind. No one can push him; no one can make him do things against himself or against his better judgment. A warrior is tuned to survive, and he survives in the best of all possible fashions. 6 Castaneda learned that well-being was something that had to be learned. Just as you can put effort into creating a miserable mood, so too, effort is required to elevate it. To create positive moods is a discipline, just as leading the life of a warrior-winner requires discipline. What it boils down to is what you most want misery and the feelings of powerlessness, or determination and the feelings of power. Don Juan explained to Castaneda that The trick is what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same. 7 A strong and disciplined mind is required for personal power to be able to grow.
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Throughout this book, I rarely refer to the path of the warrior, or to the hunting of power. But this is what is behind the story I have to tell. I more often refer to the path of the Winner. In our culture, this may be an easier word to understand, but my encouragement to you will be to refine your life to stop wasting power, and develop practices that will enhance it, no matter what you call the journey you are taking. Besides, once you use discipline to walk the path of the Winner, you will find happiness arrives without a personal invitation. It just appears. So do opportunity, other winners, and insight into how to create passion in your life. If only people knew that the world would come knocking on their door once they acquired personal power, more would take the trouble to develop it.
Be determined. Commit to being powerful. Commit to becoming a Winner. Commit to a process that will enhance your life in ways you might never have thought possible. Commit to the discipline of being powerful! As Don Juan explained to his disciple, power is mysterious. It is something you can cultivate, and at the same time, something that seeks you out once you have saved the energies necessary by living the life of a Winner. Once you have power, your life follows opportunities to develop still more power. Success does indeed breed success. The path of constructing personal power, in any tradition, is a life-long process. Each and every day, choices must be made which are empowering, rather than disempowering. Most of these choices are never made by the common man or woman. Most dont even know that making significant choices can so deeply affect who they are, or how their life will pan out. I dont claim that this book contains every lesson you will ever need to learn. But it does contain lessons that a person desiring personal power must include in their journey at some point. As I am writing this, I am seeking several things in my life. I am intending to be prosperous, make a significant contribution to the welfare of others, get this book out, run courses for couples and get them on to the internet, and so on. I am attracting people who will support this process, because I am focused and determined to head where my heart is leading me. People and opportunities appear, and I pick up on them so as to continue heading in the direction of my intentions. These are practical examples of personal power at work.
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The journey to mastery

The consequences of our actions are the scarecrows of fools and the beacons of wise men. T.H. Huxley The teachers who have taught the path of the warrior are very clear about what must be done to acquire personal power. These are the skills, attitudes, and competencies that must be acquired if any human being is to develop their own energies to the point where personal power is becoming apparent in their life. It is the aim of the chapters to come to teach you how to bring mastery to your life through these smart choices. You will now be well aware of how you slip into Control Drama Triangle behaviours, and that when you do, you have some serious personal work to do if you're to bring your life into balance. You won't be successful, empowered or happy if you are reacting to life, leaking grubby energy over those around you. Fasten your seatbelt, and prepare to begin the journey of your life by making the choices that really matter those that will empower you, lead to happiness within, and bring you the sorts of success that really matter. Personal Reflection: Becoming a Winner Take a moment to reflect on your life. When are you being a Winner? When are you being proactive and making your life happen? When do you take responsibility for events that cross your path? What steps do you take to enhance your levels of energy? To what extent are you showing determination to elevate your life in your work, relationships, leisure and spirituality? What areas of your life could you bring kaizen to (see introduction), and therefore improve in even small, yet significant, ways? When are you being a Loser? When do you grumble, behave obsessively or addictively, blame others, control others, throw your weight around, or act like others must change for your life to be better? When do you use food, drugs, alcohol, sex, money, or any of your resources or skills in ways that dont bring you long-term benefits? How often do you say to yourself, For my life to be great, Im going to have to do something to make it great?
Section 2
The 12 Choices
of
Winners
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The twelve choices of Winners
Chapter 5

There are two ways of facing our being alive. One is to surrender to it, either by acquiescing to its demands or by fighting those demands. The other is by molding our particular life situation to fit our own configurations. Carlos Castaneda in The Art of Dreaming LAW OF INTENTION The energy of intention drives our motivation, actions and life in the direction of the intention. You will soon discover that the choices you make spawn the intentions that drive your life. For this reason, the choices you make are very important, because they create a launching pad for the direction of your life. Smart, well-informed choices are of paramount importance to a Winner, because a Winner wants opportunity to develop personal power and with it, personal success. The twelve choices described in the following chapters are intertwined. The order in which you make the choices could be different to the order in which I have listed them here. However, each and every one is required for a happy, successful and empowered life. You may also revisit each choice from time to time, and further develop it to a higher degree. As you read, you may also realize that you are some way down the path to personal empowerment already. In this case, affirming yourself for the progress already made would be an appropriate, rewarding and self-empowering strategy. Winners affirm their existing excellence. Not because it feels good to do so, but because it brings more of the same. If you find you have still some way to go before becoming fully empowered, be kind to yourself, and decide where you might start to make changes. You can begin to take steps to empowerment immediately using the very clear and concise guidelines I
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offer you in these pages. Then later you can build on this progress by reading the more detailed strategies and insights offered in the books that follow. Now is the best time to begin. Begin the best time of your life now. The important thing is to reflect on your life as it is, without blaming or condemning yourself for the situation in your life at present. Beating yourself up is just another way to create an internal conflict, so it will not serve you to go down that track. When approaching personal development work, I find it helpful to recognize that we have all been damaged in childhood, and so we all have something to work on. There is no point in being upset by what we discover within ourselves it is all just stuff and everybody has the task of attending to whatever bundle of stuff they have inherited.
The field of personal development is fully covered in this spiritual life mastery series. In each of the next twelve chapters, I give you strategies that you can implement immediately and gain instant success from using. If you do so with strong intention and determination to improve your quality of life, you are bound to notice important shifts happening. Never give up, even if it seems to be taking a while for change to occur. The process of change may seem slow and frustrating at times, but as long as you are following the kaizen principle explained earlier, you will eventually see results. The strategies I offer at the conclusion of each chapter do work. They are tried and tested. There is only space here to deal with each choice in a preliminary way, so each chapter is further developed in subsequent books. I will tell you in which book you will find a further development of each topic, should you wish to follow up on how to fully implement each choice of power in your life. The later books embellish what I have written here and enable you to become very accomplished with these personal change techniques.
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Immediate Success
A warrior acts as if he knows what he is doing, when in effect he knows nothing. Carlos Castaneda, Journey to Ixtlan As you learn new material, and gain insight into the person you want to sculpt yourself to become, you can use the exercise below to begin immediately the process of personal transformation. It may be mysterious as to how it works, but it does. I and many others have used exercises like this one to great effect. In one of its August 2009 editions, the New Zealand Listener included an article in which New Zealand neuroscientist Kerry Spackmans strategy for training the minds of Olympic hopefuls was explained . He gets each athlete to take themselves through a mental exercise in which they visualize themselves accomplishing the feats they seek to replicate with their bodies. As the author of the article Jane Clifton explains, this exercise is telling (their) subconscious, through taste, smell, hearing and sheer emotional experience, that the goal is possible. Spackman explains that the key to success is to put yourself into a relaxed and receptive mood, and make the story as emotional and targeted as possible, so it bypasses the logical brain and registers in the limbic system, the emotional brain. 1 These ideas are not new. The earliest record I have of consciously using creative tools comes from the early part of the twentieth century, when Yogi Ramacharaka published books in which he explained the art of being the creator of your own life using visual imagery. 2 In more recent times, Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP) has used such techniques to help people restructure their lives through the conscious reprogramming of the mind. The technique is amazingly simple, and if used repeatedly, say every day for a month, change will begin to happen, seemingly out of nowhere. Some of the reasons for this are explained in Chapter 17, but for now, lets say, as Spackman suggested, that we are simply wiring our subconscious mind to behave differently. 3 I suggest that you use the exercise below whenever you come across new learning that you want to cement into your emotional brain that area of the brain that is the most powerful to reprogram because it will produce deeply embedded change.
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Exercise: Creating a New You

1. Sit down, relax, close your eyes, take a few deep breaths. Sink and relax into the chair, and focus just on your breathing as you take a few more deep breaths. 2. After reminding yourself of what you DONT want in your life anymore, bring your focus to the change you DO want to have happen. 3. Now recall a situation where that which you DONT want is happening. See it as a movie, preferably in black and white if you can manage that. 4. Immediately change that scene to one in which you are seeing, hearing, feeling and tasting everything to be just the way you DO WANT it to be. 5. Run this as a brightly coloured action movie. Imagine everything just as you would like it to be. Listen to the sounds, feel the emotions, feel what your body experiences. 6. Now change the scene to a new desired one. Again, see the bright colours, the people or place, and see it all happening through your eyes as you stand and observe and feel the experience fully in your body and feelings. 7. Do this a couple of more times, adding an appropriate affirmation of the change that has taken place to really cement the energy of change. Eg I am now ...... 8. Now just sense how it feels to have posted off a message to the universe and your subconscious. Notice that the vibration of your message is being lowered so that it happens in three dimensional reality. 9. Prepare now for the manifestation to occur. Know that your mind cant distinguish between the reality of your mental images, and material reality, and so will take this change on as having happened already. Imagine being alert and ready for the arrival of this change. 10. Repeat this exercise daily for at least a week, preferably longer. Allow the mental images to evolve and expand as you imbed the new reality in your mind.
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Develop conscious intention
Chapter 6
Choice One: Develop conscious intention based on wise choices

The greatest thing is not so much where we are, but in what direction we are moving. Oliver Wendell Holmes LAW OF INTENTION: The energy of intention drives our motivation, actions and life in the direction of the intention. LAW OF MOTIVATION The perspectives we take motivate our choices, intentions and behaviours, no matter how closely these match actual, or rational, reality. Our choices determine the direction of our lives. We make hundreds every day, and often fail to see the importance and impact of seemingly mundane decision-making. A person who is fully empowered recognizes not only the significance of their own choices, but more importantly that others impact on our lives because we allow them to. The blame game has as its premise this aspect of my life is a mess because of you or Im unable to make the choices I would otherwise be making because of you. The quality of our lives, the energy and enthusiasm we have in our bodies and spirit to live life to the full, and our ability to go out there and get the most from life, are largely a reflection of how we perceive our decision-making powers. As Caroline Myss has observed, From an energy point of view, every choice that enhances our spirit strengthens our energy field, and the stronger our energy field, the fewer our connections to negative people and experiences.1 Winners ensure they make choices that enhance their personal power, and that prevent others from stealing their power. Choose to be your own person. Choose to follow your own truth.
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Those who have invoked personal power at the level of choice know that their lives are entirely of their own creation. No one else is responsible, despite appearances to the contrary. I am entirely responsible for the direction of my life is a belief that begins in the head, and then becomes ones experience. 2 The first step to taking ownership of your choices is to recognize you do actually make them, and to determine what motivates you to make them. Even when you are not consciously making a choice (such as avoiding something), you are exercising a choice nonetheless. So people who choose not to take responsibility are making a choice to allow their life to wander along aimlessly. I firmly believe that all of us have within us an instinctual knowing that we are the architects of our life. Ignoring what we can do for ourselves is tantamount to ignoring what we know.
The focus of your energy determines the focus of your life. Your choices and intentions determine your lifes direction. The way in which you spend your time and resources reflects those choices youve considered are the most important in your life. If youre unhappy with your life, then it is heading down a track you dont desire because some choices youve made and intentions youve held have not worked well for you. The energetic direction of your life has to shift. So too, therefore, must your choices and intentions. For now, notice whether your life is full of carefully crafted choices, or rather random ones that rely on what crops up. No one fully in charge of their life ever waits for what might crop up. Instead, Winners make life happen. They craft a life of their choosing.
Prioritize wisely
It is not our abilities that show truly who we are. It is our choices. Dumbledore in Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets You may ask yourself What are my priorities? What motivates me to make the choices I make? Where do I focus my energy, and why? When I am working with clients who claim that such-and-such is their priority, I explain to them that a persons priorities are always easy to detect, because it shows in where they spend
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most of their time. If most of their time is spent at work, then they prioritize either making money or enjoying other workplace benefits. If a client tells me that their families are their priority despite the fact that very little time is spent with them, I point out that there is a mis-match between what they are saying and what they are doing. Such a mis-match can easily occur because many people do not think clearly about whether they are putting most of their time and resources into what truly matters most for them. The way you spend your time reflects the way you live your life. Ive heard people comment that I cant do anything about the sort of person I am. I am what I am. What you see is what you get. This is a fatalistic approach which assumes that our character is somehow cast in stone, and that there is nothing that can be done about it. However, this is not consistent with my own experience of people. As a life coach and psychotherapist, I see people completely turn around their lives, change all of their priorities, and discipline unhelpful personality traits while choosing to amplify more useful ones. To declare thats just the way I am is to opt out. It is choosing not to make a choice, and not to take response-ability. Whenever we bring intention, willpower or determination to any situation involving our behaviour, we can make changes. 3 Your focused intention determines the focus of your life direction.
Arnie was an artist and businessman who came to see me because he was prone to depression, very negative thoughts about himself, and he was fearful of mixing socially. He doubted his ability to communicate well, and considered himself intellectually slow. He also doubted his ability to ever assume responsibilities in his fathers business, because his perspective was that he was too slow to get his head fully around the business, and he felt unable to relate to and communicate with customers and employees in the way the business required. Arnie came to realize that he had assumed he was intellectually inferior as a result of traumatic experiences at school. He had chosen to believe this as a child because he had struggled in the school system. He came to see that the school system in fact had not worked at all well for him, and hed been unable to utilize his preferred learning styles effectively. This had generated a poor sense of self and low
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self-esteem, and led him to pull back from his peers, too fearful to relate fully with them. He thus had grown up believing he couldnt communicate properly simply because hed struggled to assert himself at school. It had been easier for him as a child to become quiet and unassuming rather than to mix with his peers. These were unconscious choices he had made in his childhood, based on a skewed perspective of the facts. Once he learned basic communication skills, ways of managing employees without having to know everything about the nuts and bolts of the business, and saw that he naturally liked people and they him, Arnie turned his life around both personally and professionally. Most important of all, Arnie came to realize that he was the architect of his life. He had developed perspectives and made choices that limited how he experienced himself and his life. He then chose to develop perspectives and acquire skills that expanded it, and with that he chose to redefine himself. The first step is to decide that you want to change. The second step is to be determined about the first step. Arnies story demonstrates another choice we all have to make. The choice between fear or pessimism on the one hand, and love or optimism on the other. Sometimes it is a choice between fear and love, or between doubting and trusting. Arnies childhood choices were based on fear. His adult choices, once turned around, became based on the optimism and hope that he could develop a new way of being. He was also challenged to trust that he had the resources to develop new skills and perspectives, and to try these out. Eventually, he learned to trust that life would bring him opportunities he could respond to, and that it was fear that was holding him back, not the nature of life itself. As he made new choices, his life changed direction, and as he saw this happening, his faith in his abilities grew. When I last spoke to Arnie, he was managing the business his father had begun, and really enjoying it. He had pulled together a team of supportive people who were able to complement his skills. This left him free to do what he did best interact and spend time with staff and customers. To improve the quality of your life consider new approaches that will work better for you.
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Whether you see the glass half full or half empty is a choice. Which of these options you naturally choose may be based on the habits of many years but habits can be changed. Pessimism and optimism are about perspective, not reality; and perspectives are malleable. In the pages ahead, I give you the tools to take the energy out of unhelpful old habits, and choose alternatives that will serve you much better. Personal Reflection: As you look back on your own life, what habitual choices have you made in regards to what you prioritize in life, the emotions you mostly choose to have, and the attitudes you mostly take? Have these served you well? Is it time to change anything? If so, record any changes you are determined to make in Must Do Activities in My Personal Planner.
Choices are linked to intentions

Intentions are imbibed with power. They seek their target, and take you with them. Jeff Saunders The most important choice of all, then, is to develop the intention to change the quality of your life by getting into personal development. This requires an awareness of what in your life is not going as well as you would like, and also an awareness of the way in which you want to improve your quality of life. This is the ultimate in taking personal response-ability, and putting a halt to blaming your parents, kids, partner or circumstances. It is the beginning of a rich journey. If its to be, then its up to me, and that starts NOW. By developing the intention to explore all aspects of self without pulling back when you discover something you would prefer not to know about, you will begin the process of learning about your self. Of course, as the energy of your internal critic subsides, you will open up to yourself more and more. You will find that embarking on this personal development odyssey will gradually silence that critical part trying its best to punish you for any perceived inadequacies. Your challenge is to listen, without judgment, to what you really want from life your desires, passions, creative drives, and so on. The time will come when you are sick and tired of some of the old buttonpushing processes, and when this point is reached, you will choose to let these old reactive patterns drop away. First of all, notice and observe these old tendencies.
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Then the simple intention of having them drop away will be the key to having them do so. When you intend fully, without judging them, to have your old unhelpful processes drop away, they will begin doing so.
Choose your passions

Even to the point of death itself, each person has free will, responsibility and choice. Abraham Maslow Perhaps the most essential life choices impacting on your personal power relate to your work and relationships. Remaining in a job that doesnt challenge, enthuse, uplift, excite or impassion you is soul destroying. You can feel empty, hollow, frustrated, lethargic, tearful, angry or depressed in employment that no longer feeds you at a deep level, and which has no meaning or significance for you anymore. If this is your current experience, begin the rest of your life right now by committing to finding work that feeds you at a soul level, that has meaning, purpose, excitement, or that at least just feels good. This isnt a suggestion to resign tomorrow. Use the stability of the job you have from which to explore a career or employment that will serve you better. Consider committing to training or whatever is needed to get you to a place you want to be. When I came to this decision, it took me five years before the new training I undertook adequately prepared me to move into my new career. This may sound a long time to some, but not only was the journey of learning enjoyable, the rest of my life has been transformed as a result. For a time I had to juggle an old career with new training. I used the old job to pay the bills while my passions headed off in a new direction. Part of me just wanted to drop the old and embrace the new, but instead I used the old to support the new. A strong intention to love your work will draw you to the work you love.
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Your relationships at home, and those at work, have great potential to leave you feeling either empowered or disempowered. I notice in my counselling and life coaching work that once intimate relationships turn sour, the equilibrium of personal power in a relationship is often upset. This is because, in any form of destructive relationship, it is difficult to maintain personal power while managing conflict. Conflict tends to pull us away from who we really are. We have to waste energy creating safety barriers and other defences, and this erodes our connection with ourselves, and thus our feelings of personal power. If you have people in your life whose presence sucks energy from you, exhausts you, undermines your power, undermines your confidence, or whose behaviour takes you away from being the person you want to be, then your sense of self will suffer. Action is required. Whether you leave them, put up strong boundaries with them, or change the nature of your relationship with them, the survival of your inner power depends on the choices you make and act on. I cannot over-emphasize the importance of being surrounded by individuals or groups who support you for being who you are. Changing or altering relationships, especially close ones, may bring up all sorts of anxieties, but this may simply mean you need support to make the changes required. Dont hesitate - you wont get a life until this matter is sorted.
Mix with those who have been where you are going. Avoid those who are going where youve been. Leaving old relationships is never easy, and a first choice usually would be to take steps to improving it before resentment has eroded any feelings of love or caring. Choosing to learn how to successfully live any aspect of your life is a smart choice choosing to learn how to create great relationships is an essential choice. It is also smart, though, to commit to creating relationships that are supportive and empowering, and refusing to settle for anything less. Even though our heart may say stay, we may not be able to do so if the relationship is undermining our quality of life. We may have to over-ride feelings that say No, dont walk away. Your world will fall apart. Relationships only work to serve you when they are functional, and no matter what our emotions might say, it is necessary that we are able to answer yes to the question Is this relationship supporting and empowering me?
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When your relationship functions successfully, your personal power is strengthened.
Bring head and heart together

If you follow your heart, your head will still support you. Jeff Saunders At other times, we must learn to let our heart lead the way. A major choice we all have to make at some time in our lives is whether to follow our head, our heart, or a combination of the two. As kids at school, we were trained to follow our head rational, logical thinking. This usually leaves most of us sceptical about the value of our feelings and intuition. In fact, sensations such as emotions (which are usually generated by the perspective we are taking), are often seen as the enemy. This imbalance leads most people to conclude that if they are to be successful in their life, it is the use of their cognition which will be the architect of any such success. So when the realization hits that emotions, feelings and intuition are just as valid as thinking, then some challenging choices must be made. When head and heart can come together, each welcomed without judgment, then life, fully lived, can begin. I have found it a challenging journey sorting out when to listen to my heart, and when to my head, but with practice, Ive learned that my heart and intuition are the greatest guides I have in my life. I therefore choose to use intuition as much as possible, because it works so well for me, and this is especially true in my relationships. I dont wait to be told something needs to be addressed. I sense when something is up and needs to be talked about. If your relationship problems seem to be with your children, then remember that they are a reflection of their parents. When parents change, so do children. Whenever one person in a family changes, others must also change, because the equilibrium has shifted, and new dynamics form. This provides opportunity for change. Furthermore, the person with the most flexible behaviour (who therefore has most flexibility around behavioural choices) is the person with the most power in a family. This is because their actions are the most unpredictable, and therefore the most powerful and hardest for other family members to control or trigger.
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Feel what is right for you. Your personal power will provide insight. The smartest choices, then, are made by those who integrate emotion, intuition and logic. However, when it comes to the direction of your life, it is usually best to be led by what you feel or intuit. Think of all the successful important decisions youve made in your life your career, partner, home, vehicle and you will notice that you probably chose what felt best, or what you intuited was best for you.
Ask for what you want

They can, because they think they can Virgil I have noticed that most people dont choose wisely from the many options available to them, but instead choose what is comfortable, familiar, safe, cheap, easy and readily available. That is certainly not how I structure my life. I have chosen to create strong positive intentions as to where I want it to go, for I notice that when I do this that Im able to manifest the life I want. Consider for a moment - what is the difference between a man who has become wealthy, and one who has stayed poor? Choice. There are thousands of examples of people who have been raised in poverty who have become wealthy, and those who started out wealthy and became poor. Those who become wealthy want to become wealthy. They desire it. They intend it. They choose to pursue it. They make it happen. The same is true of those who are determined to pursue a particular career, find a suitable partner, live in a nice home, develop supportive friends. The world we experience is not the haphazard place it appears to be. It is planned. It is planned by us. We create our life, even when we dont realize we are response-able for what manifests. Only those who choose wise and strong intentions create a life worth living. Intentions are like guided missiles, leading you to the target of what you desire.
Most people want very little, so they get very little from life. Those who have the most fun and enjoyment, energetically demand that. Sadly, most of us are like sheep, spending years grazing at the factory, office, or with the animals out on the farm. Just
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as sheep demand nothing from life, so too do those who habitually and continuously assign themselves to a boring existence. Take a look around you. Those who are having the most fun and excitement are out there materializing their intentions. We can all do the same when we are focused on what will bring us the most pleasure, and continue to send the energetic signals to the universe that we are serious about wanting a good time. Consider these lines from Robbie Burns: I bargained with life for a penny, and life would pay no more, However I begged at evening when I counted my scanty store, For life is a just employer, He gives you what you ask But once you have set the wages, why you must bear the task. I worked for a menial's hire, only to learn dismayed, That any wage I had asked for, life would have willingly paid. Be determined to ask for everything that would make your life what you would want it to be. Form a very clear and determined intention to get from life whatever would light your fire. Was it Plato who said that children could be forgiven for being afraid of the dark, but grownups could not be forgiven for fearing the light? Demand that life bring to you vast quantities of light. Make whatever changes would for you be tantamount to bringing more light into your life. Life will only give you what you ask for, as Robbie Burns so eloquently penned in the lines above. Dont bargain for a penny, when merely expecting a pound is not going to rob anyone else of their due. Some wise guy once noted that as we asked so would we receive. Develop strong intention to get more of what matters to you. We will return to the subject of how to use your intention to create the life you want in Chapter 17.
Strategies for improving intentions and conscious choices

1. Appraise whether your choices bring you long-term gain, or just short-term benefit? Your life will be enhanced by choices that impact positively in the long rather than short term. For example, if you wanted to become wealthy, investing in property or shares will do much better than buying a lottery ticket. The latter seeks an immediate reward, but investing will eventually bring wealth if it is done intelligently. Choose to work on your relationship, because the long-term results will be worth overcoming short-term feelings of resistance. Look to see whether you tend to go for quick fixes, or whether your decisions follow well considered plans. 2. Notice any emotional reasons you sabotage yourself by choosing inappropriately, such as feeling good briefly, but worse later on. Because we make decisions that will make us feel good (such as a partner we like or a job we enjoy), we can fall into the trap of making choices that feel good briefly, but not so good later. Teenagers do this when they bunk school and head for the beach, or have unprotected sex. But smart adults notice the temptation to do feel-good things which have negative long term consequences. Notice if you have any quick feel-good tendencies which dont work
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for you later, and be determined to make choices which work well in the long term. Many infidelities and internet habits follow short-term gain, but produce long-term pain. 3. Consider those areas of your life working well, and the pattern of choosing and setting intentions that you bring to those. By reflecting on what is working well, you may discover how you managed to create these successes. Often people take their successes for granted, which is a shame, because skills used there can often be transferred to less successful areas of your life. Many people are determined and focused in their careers, for example, but dont bring that same resolve and intention to succeed into their relationships. Why put so much energy and drive into a career, but overlook your most important asset your intimate relationship? 4. Consider areas of your life not working well, and any choices or intentions there that could be improved. For example, under what circumstances do you feel unhappy? What must be changed for this to be addressed? I know many very successful and wealthy people who are not happy because they have never taken the time to work out what brings happiness. Most people, given sufficient time to reflect on their life, have the capacity to create new or different choices and intentions that will revolutionize their happiness, success and sense of personal power. What must you change about the choices you have been making? 5. Review the intentions you set for your relationships, health, finances, leisure and career and ask yourself if they are clear, determined, goal centred and on course to bring you the life you want, rather than a life you have to put up with. If you dont have clear intentions, then create them! Feel what it is youre wanting from life, and align your intentions with what would feel best for you. Do it now. Tell the universe what your feelings are wanting to have it deliver. There is no time to dilly-dally your life wont last forever. The intentions you set today will create the life you experience tomorrow. Choice wisely. Choose now. Act now! Now is the time to be determined to create strong intentions, and to back these with disciplines that make it easy for your intentions to be realized. You will find it very empowering when you learn in Chapter 17 just how your intentions actually create the reality you call your life.
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Personal Reflection: What do you want from life? Is what youre asking enough, or could you ask for even more? Why not ask for more? In what ways do your current intentions limit what life delivers you? Spend some time imagining all the wonderful experiences you could ask the universe to provide you. Allow yourself to imagine being in those experiences. Set intentions that those experiences you are imagining, will manifest into reality in your life. Record in My Personal Planner the changes of choice or intention that you want to make a permanent component of your mindset.
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Chapter 7
Choice Two: Take full responsibility for your life

If each of us sweeps in front of our own steps, the whole world will be clean. Goethe LAW OF PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY Winners take full responsibility for their energy, beliefs, emotions, needs, values, actions, life direction and life circumstances. If you are choosing to read this book, you must already be on the path to developing your personal power. You have already chosen to adopt personal responsibility for some aspects of your life at least. Dont underestimate the importance of the response-ability for your life that you have already taken. Taking any responseability at all is the first and most important step we take on the path to having a happy and successful life. Most people take some response-ability for what is happening in their inner and outer worlds, but very few take total response-ability for the state of their life. Yet this is a critical task we all need to front up to.1 You will be required to take responsibility for your health, diet, weight, job or career, all your relationships, emotions, ways of thinking, personal growth, happiness anything affecting the state of your life if you are to become fully empowered. Blaming, feeling like a Victim, cursing your parents, religion, cultural heritage or its demise are all ways to avoid facing this fundamental fact that your life is now in your hands. Most of us under-estimate the power we have to sculpt a life of our own choosing. A Winner takes response-ability for their every choice, bar none. They never regret their choices because to do so would be to sink into Victim thoughts and feelings. Whenever something is not going according to plan, a Winner makes a new choice based on the new situation. As Carlos Castaneda was told by his teacher, don Juan, a
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man of considerable personal power: When a man decides to do something, he must go all the way but he must take responsibility for what he does. No matter what he does, he must know first why he is doing it, and then must proceed with his actions without having any doubts or remorse about them. 2 A Winner can make a mistake like anyone else, but s/he never makes the mistake of thinking it is a mistake. S/he sees what isnt working, and acts again according to what is needed now in the new situation thats developed. People who dont take response-ability for every aspect of their life blame someone else, or some circumstance. This is disastrous, because doing so in effect says I am a piece of chaff, blown around by a wind I cannot avoid. To follow this approach throughout your life is to follow a path created by others, chaos, chance, fate. No one who wants to have personal power or be successful would ever allow this. No Winner ever lets himself or herself be thrown around by the winds of life, when by committing to sound decisions and following these up with determination they can set their own course. Your life is all about you, not others. Make life happen. Youre in control. Taking response-ability does not mean feeling guilty about what you should do either. There are no shoulds in the life of a Winner. Powerful and successful people make choices, and never look back. If something doesnt work out, a Winner simply makes a new choice. Once you understand the value of taking response-ability, and have an understanding of how you create every aspect of your life, then you will want to take response-ability, rather than feel you should.
Until you are prepared to take full response-ability for your life, you will get very little out of this book and those that follow. In fact, as you read, you may find it uncomfortable to own some of the processes that I point out, or you discover, are going on within you. I still struggle to own some aspects of my life as my own creation, but the more I do, the more I can see what to do about events that are impacting on me because of the way I am managing my reality. The renowned statesman, spiritual leader and proponent of equality, Mahatma Gandhi, believed that each individual should take full response-ability for literally every aspect of their life. He modelled this value by spinning his own yarn, and learning about medicine, health, and diet in order to know how best to care for himself, especially in the absence of significant material resources. 3
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Ta k e f u l l r e s p o n s i b i l i t y f o r y o u r l i f e
Winners sculpt every aspect of their life. International expert in understanding human needs, Abraham Maslow, considered that taking response-ability for our lives included the dropping of all techniques we used as a child and which no longer serve us. Any adapting youve done to meet childhood parental requirements or those of other influential adults would need to be addressed, as would giving up any total or exclusive love you might have had for your parents. Taking response-ability, then, requires that we face the good, the bad and the ugly that exists within, including left-over remnants of experiences with our parents or other caregivers. Instead, learning how to love others, gratifying our own needs and wishes, giving up living out of fear, being good only if we really choose to be, discovering our own conscience, becoming responsible rather than dependent, enjoying our personal response-ability, and replacing our fears with the courage to move forwards would be on the menu. 4 Taking responsibility must be learned, and doing so fully may take a lifetime. Part of that learning is to take responsibility for our own needs without depriving others of the ability to get their needs met. As William Glasser reminds us, doing so is the most important task of all higher animals, and can be learned at any age. 5
Taking full responsibility ultimately means realizing how you create all that happens in your world and choosing to learn how to consciously create your future. Most of us have been trained to be either response-able at the expense of others, or irresponsible, or response-able for matters which are not really our concern. This latter tendency is a legacy of a childhood in which ensuring we behaved as others demanded was a requirement if we were to have any chance of having our needs met. Some of us were unfortunate enough to have parents who modelled irresponsibility, an inability to put up boundaries and a refusal to be response-able for the woes they caused others. Such behaviour produces children who repeat such patterns throughout their own lives. 6 If you are one of these, then choosing to learn appropriate response-ability as an adult will address the lessons you missed as a child. Who has done this to me during my life? you might ask. Well, lots of people possibly, maybe too many to count. Anyone who blamed you, dumped on
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you, criticized you for not being the way they wanted you to be, indeed anyone who communicated in some way that made you feel wrong for being who you were, or demanded that you behave as they decreed in order that you be acceptable to them.
Problem ownership
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt Most children grow up thinking that every time an adult is upset, hurt, angered or bothered by their behaviour, that it is they, the children, who are at fault. Very early on in life, most of us took on response-ability for events that others were unable to manage, and that we were blamed for. Alternatively, we may have copied parents who avoided taking response-ability for their actions. Most of us have been thoroughly trained to take response-ability for the woes of others, or to blame them when things dont go well. Most of us still live out of Im not OK or Youre not OK, or both sometimes. This is because we learned to own the problems of others, or dump on them problems we were unable to accept as ours. Some of us have been trained to take responsibility for others. Some have learned to dump responsibility on others. Some have learned to do both. Because of our training in taking responsibility for others, or our experience of having others take responsibility for our circumstances, we may have become confused about how to fully manage our own life response-ably.
Most people suffer from this confusion, at least to some extent. Thomas Gordon calls communications in which these patterns dominate solution messages, put-down messages, and indirect messages. Each of these abdicates our responsibility to meet our own needs, and attempts to get others to do that for us. Solution messages include telling others what they must do, should do, had better do, might do, or cant do. They include commanding, directing, warning, threatening, moralizing preaching or advising. Put-down messages judge, criticize, blame, name-call, analyze, interrogate or probe. Indirect messages include teasing, sarcasm, digression or diverting comments. 7 Notice that most if not all of these messages are forms of persecuting, and are likely to be experienced as such by the recipient.
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Clear, fair, consistent, empowering boundaries are essential for any successful relationship. Heres how it works. Freddie turns up late for our appointment, and so I blame Freddie for the fact that I had to wait for him in the cold for half an hour. Whos got the problem here? Well I have of course because I had to wait, and got cold to boot. So what do I do? I lecture Freddie about being on time, or tell him what he should have done to organize himself better (solution message). I might blame him for being so inconsiderate, call him names, or tell him how useless he is when it comes to being on time (put-down messages). Perhaps I will simply make some smart sarcastic comment without directly broaching the subject with him (indirect message). I may make persecutory comments, maybe just to myself, so that I will feel better. He makes me angry, Ill show him what its like to be ignored, or What a bastard may rattle around in my head, or off my tongue. Alternatively, I may choose to remain in Victim mode. I may feel hurt by this event, since it seems that Freddie didnt even have the decency to call me. That may lead to resentment, and lots of negative thinking about him. I may even make statements like He hurt me or He doesnt treat me with respect. We are masters of delusion, especially when it comes to noticing who creates our life dramas. But, hold on. Freddie didnt try to hurt me. Nor did he try to make me angry. He may have tried very hard to be on time, but got delayed by circumstances over which he had little control, such as being caught in a traffic jam. However, instead of owning the responses I could have chosen, it is easier to blame Freddie. It makes no difference if Freddie was late on purpose Im still able to take charge of my own response to his actions. By blaming him, I put myself into the Victim mode, give away my power, and overlook the fact that a problem occurred in my life that I could have responded to in ways that worked for me. I could have left after ten minutes, called him later to say I was no longer waiting for him, or just gone about my business without going through mental gymnastics as to why Freddie had not turned up. I could have owned the problem I had, and solved it the best way I could manage. End of story. No blame, no silly mind games, no pretending someone else is running or ruining my life. Others are not response-able for how you feel. Nor can you make them feel as they are choosing to do. We must learn to own problems that are ours, and allow others their own dramas even if those dramas are in relation to us. Those who feel must own what they feel.
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Dont own what isnt yours

I am not bound to please thee with my answers. William Shakespeare It is not our job to please others, or theirs to please us. Nor are others response-able for our difficulties, or we for theirs. We must come to understand that when things come unstuck in our life or go awry in some way, we are the only ones who can change that state of affairs. Its great if others can help us along the way, but at times they may not come through, so we just have to get on with it and help ourselves. You havent come into the world to rescue others from their folly. In the diagram below, there are three possible categories your lifes problems could be in. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to minimize the number of problems in your life, and own as few as possible of those in the lives of others. That is, you want to make the top and bottom rectangles as small as possible, and the middle section as large as possible. Conflict within yourself or with others will occur when categories A and C are too large, and/or not understood.8 A. Aspects of my life in which there are problems that I am able to own and/or change. MY PROBLEM B. Aspects of my life in which there are no problems. NO PROBLEM C. Aspects of my life in which there are problems I either cant, or would be better not to, own. These are problems belonging to others. OTHERS PROBLEM In category A, there are problems you can, and would be wise, to change. These are things that are under your control. Examples would be your health, diet, thoughts, emotions, finances, spiritual life, values and beliefs, and getting your needs met. Most emotions you have are caused by problems in this category, because whenever
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you emotionally react to someone, it is your choice to do so. Therefore, if you are to change your emotional reactions, you must own problems that are yours, and let others own those that are theirs. Action will be required in order to meet your own need possibly drastic action if you are in an abusive relationship for example. Some problems in category A, then, may be very challenging for you to minimize. If category As problems are causing you to have emotional reactions, then this is their way of alerting you to address what is going on. The middle category, B, contains those aspects of your life in which there are no problems. You can tell when things are not a problem, because you tend not to think a lot about them, and you dont find yourself reacting or having your buttons pushed by those aspects of your life. Knowing when or when not to own the problem hugely influences your levels of stress. The final category, C, is the most challenging to detect and work with. Here, your life is affected by the decisions and actions of others. What happens, though, is that you react to the problems of others as if they are your own. An example would be when someone is upset, and you rescue them from their emotions by trying to calm them down, telling them everything will be OK, or in some way acting so as to remove a problem they have, but are perhaps not owning. Category C problems are made more difficult because many people do not see their problems, let alone own them. Someone who persecutes by putting others down is unlikely to own the cause of their emotional outburst, and so the problem then lies with the recipient of the abuse to do something about the situation. Your challenge then is to change a situation where one of the participants does not want to own their behaviour, let alone do anything about changing it. Totally own your problems. Never own others problems. And be sure you know the difference. Personal Reflection: Do you find yourself often blaming others for what goes wrong? If so, what could you do proactively to take charge of your life at times when youre tempted to blame? Do you ever blame yourself? What could you do to honour that part that is wanting to be different, without beating up on the part you disapprove of? When do you feel a victim to events? What could you do proactively to eliminate this pattern from your life?
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You can only change you

I pray thee cease thy counsel, which falls into mine ears as profitless as water into a sieve. William Shakespeare It is an important rule of thumb to remember that the behaviours of others are difficult to change, because we can never make anyone do anything. At the very most, we may modify our own behaviour to accommodate or respond to theirs, so long as we dont go so far as to rescue or persecute in the process. Consider a person who is trying to cope in an abusive marriage, and who does all they can to appease or please their abusive spouse. While it is possible to own the feelings of hurt, fear, frustration and disillusionment a situation like this would evoke, you cant do much with those emotions so long as the abuse continues. Certainly, you could choose to work on the way you were reacting, but the bottom line is that there is someone else acting in a way which does not honour the relationship. A relationship is a two way business, and each must work with the other to resolve difficulties, and each must bring their 50% of giving and taking to the relationship. However, if a relationship has only one person owning what is going on, no resolution is possible. In such an instance, the person who is prepared to take responsibility must now do more than work with their emotions they must seriously consider whether staying with an abuser will be consistent with having many other of their needs met. Be sure you know which problems you can address, which are beyond anything you can do, and which are not yours to even bother with. The only way to influence the behaviour of someone who is not acting reasonably is to give them a problem. Leaving the marriage, going to stay with a friend temporarily or calling the police may sound drastic options, but when there are problems in your life that are there because of the actions of others, your choices are limited. Either you try to gain control of those people, or you try to gain control of those peoples ability to upset your life. The first option is unlikely to be possible, and the process of
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trying may well make matters worse. Therefore, you are only left with your ability to control your own choices. If someone is not prepared to listen and own the problems they create for you, then the only way in which you can increase the size of category B the area of no problems in your life is to remove yourself from the problem. Parenting children can, for example, create many problems for their caregivers. If children are not prepared to own the problems their behaviours create (category C in your world), then you may be forced to create a problem for them. This plants a problem in their category A which will make them squirm. If people are not prepared to own problems that are theirs, then it might help to give them a new problem that will encourage them to own the original one.
For example, in our house, if the children dont do their chores, then TV privileges are withdrawn. In other words, if their behaviour creates category C problems for the parents, then the only way to expand category B (and gain peace for the adults) is to ensure the children acquire a problem that they want to solve, thus shrinking parental category C. This may sound like coercion, and of course in a way it is. However, the problems we create for the children are not difficult for the children to address, and it also introduces the children to the real world. Coercion occurs every time a customer withholds payment until a good job has been done. Because most people do a good job first time, and because they provide the service the customer requires, payment may be immediate. The same principle is operating. The threat of coercion encourages many to operate by principles of fairness and cooperation. Similarly with children: they must learn that their actions have consequences, and this may create a category A problem for them. Category C problems result when you do too much for others, and they do too little for you. You take on looking after them at your own expense. You solve their problems by altering your behaviour and choices. You say Yes when it would have been in your own best interest to say No. You find you are chasing after their needs, or trying to solve problems only they can address. As you reduce the number of problems you take on of others, and as you put up boundaries to others whose behaviour impinges on your own life, category C will shrink in size. And as you do the personal work on yourself as you read this book and those that follow, category A will also reduce in size. The diagram will come to look more like the one on the next page.
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A. I am changing aspects of my life so as to reduce my problems.
B. Aspects of my life in which there are no problems.
C. I am getting less caught up in the problems of others. If my life is happy to be, then the cause must lie within me. Your happiness will, of course, be maximized by expanding category B at the expense of categories A and C. What is important to notice is that no-one else is included in this diagram. Reducing those problems originating in your inner reality, or what is happening in your outer reality, is still up to you. You are response-able for making whatever changes are going to improve your life. If you are not in charge of your life, someone else is or soon will be.
Exercise: Who owns the problem? Decide in this exercise who it is that owns the problem at the moment each situation occurs. Reason to yourself who owns the problem and why. The choices I would choose are given at the end of this chapter.
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Situation 1. I have a painful headache caused by drinking alcohol with friends. 2. I have a painful headache from drinking the alcohol given to me by a friend. 3. My friend has a headache from alcohol I gave her. 4. My son is not doing homework. 5. My son realizes his grades have dropped due to a lack of completed homework. 6. My son is bothered that his grades have dropped. 7. I feel drained after arguing with my son about having him do more homework. 8. I tell my son the relationship between doing homework and success. He seems concerned about succeeding. 9. The boss tells me he is not happy with my work. 10. Im anxious about the bosss view of my work. 11. My workmates tell me I should be working faster. 12. The boss has told my friend that if I dont improve my work record, the job we share will be disestablished. My friend is angry.
No problem
My problem
Others problem
Were a Victim only if we allow it

If its never your fault, you cant take responsibility for it. If you cant take responsibility for it, youll always be a Victim. Richard Bach Whenever our buttons are pushed by another, it is always because of some energy playing out in our minds and emotions - unless the flight/flight response is warning you of a genuine threat to your safety. Our world always mirrors back to us our own energetic processes, so in this way, the world out there shows us what is happening in here a theme I will return to many times. Our conflicts and dissatisfactions are caused by our reliance on outer reality to satisfy us and make us happy. It is our lifes task to realize that we are in charge of our lives, and of our emotional response to events in them. This is taking response-ability. Without taking responsibility, a person is unlikely to change what is not working in their life. 9
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When you sit, sit. When you stand, stand. When you do, do it.
Smart people change this diet of energy exchange we were raised with, and come to the realization that we are totally response-able for the way we react to all of our outer reality situations. Whenever we react adversely to an outer reality event, something going on in our inner reality is always at cause. Because our problems are a reflection of our inner reality, changing outer reality never brings lasting happiness, joy and peace. Empowerment and success can only come our way if we manufacture it from within. Outer reality events may bring positive experiences, but permanent peace, happiness and joy can only come from within. The pattern of our life is our response-ability. We are not response-able for the lives of others. Personal Reflection: How could you improve the quality of your life by changing either: the way you own problems that are yours, or by not owning the problems of others, or giving others a problem when they wont own what is theirs, or by avoiding giving others problems that are rightfully yours? Record your insights in My Personal Planner on the page entitled Personal Insights About Me.
Your thinking and feeling responsibilities

A man should rely on his own resources; the one who so trains himself is ready for any emergency.
Omaha Indian saying
The father of psychoanalysis, Dr Sigmund Freud, had some profound insights into many functionings of the human psyche. He recognized that while there were many different personality types, people could be broadly categorized into pessimists and
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optimists. Pessimists took defeatist and self-doubting approaches to lifes challenges, while optimists backed themselves to cope with situations which confronted them. Pessimists often believe that they are at the mercy of the elements and other people, while optimists back themselves to be the creators of their own reality. It is optimists who take response-ability for their lives, and we can all learn to trust in our capacity to cope successfully with life.
Professor Martin Seligman, Director of Clinical Training in Psychology at the University of Pennsylvania, showed that states such as depression are closely linked to thinking pessimistically, and that anyone can train themselves to become optimistic.10 By developing optimistic perspectives you can empower yourself to start constructively creating your future from today. Optimists consider that their abilities can apply across the board, while noticing that unhelpful events are only specific to particular situations. Pessimists, on the other hand, generalize negative events to be pervasive of their life, and consider positive events to be one-offs. Optimists also have the ability to view themselves as being able to make good things happen, but dont berate or criticize themselves when things go wrong in the way a pessimist would do. Whereas a pessimist would view an unhelpful event as screwing up his/her entire life, an optimist would view negative events as something they will get over, and so, in their mind, they confine such events to a smaller proportion of their life. Training yourself to become optimistic simply requires a new perspective on events, something anyone can achieve. It is therefore time to say to yourself: If its to be, then its up to me. Your internal power kicks into action the moment you begin taking response-ability and saying to yourself, in effect, my life is what I create or allow to be created. This means taking response-ability not only for specific events, but for the complete big picture of your life.
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Seek your answers within

Each one is responsible for his own slavery or his own freedom. Individual man alone forges the chains of his own enslavement and likewise he alone can break them. If we are looking for a miracle to happen to us, we must look within, and not without. Lehmann Hisey Being fully responsible for your life only happens when you realize that you are the architect of its every nuance. As you advance through this book, you will come to better appreciate how it is you create every component of every experience you ever have. Indeed, your life at this moment is a reflection on the way you have chosen to live your life up until now. For now, if it isnt already part of your life experience, I invite you to develop the intention to take full response-ability for everything that happens in you and to you. As Swami Venkateshananda is reported to have said, there are no victims in the cosmos. Although at this point such a statement may seem impossible to comprehend, as you work through this book you will come to better understand how we create the reality we experience, and how we can have more control over it than you might think. Your life will become transformed simply by coming to the realization that you are the driver of everything that occurs within it, whether or not you want to hear that right now. For now, determine to learn all the methods by which you can be the creator of your world, and remove unwanted experiences from your life. No-one else will bring joy, peace, harmony or excitement to your life. Youre it. We only feel a Victim to circumstances when our choices and thinking allow it.
Taking personal response-ability will shift your perception from viewing others as having control over your life to realizing that you can always choose how to respond to others and to events. The expression what goes around comes around highlights this cause and effect rule which each of us must face up to. For example, we know that if we are going to allow others to trample all over us, this is what others will do. Similarly, if we are determined to say No to abuse, it is less likely to happen. Taking personal response-ability isnt about blaming the self. Rather, it is about recognizing the self as being able to create our life and looking for ways to change what we create. As you begin to assume personal response-ability, you may
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reflect with horror on some of your earlier choices. You may find yourself saying how could I have married him? or why did I live (or work) in those circumstances for so long? These reflections on your previous life mirror your changing, maturing perspectives. They show you have learned to better define who you are, who you are not, and who you want to be. Such lessons are invaluable, and you can be sure there will be more such learning awaiting you, as it does all of us, in the future. Taking responsibility for all aspects of your life is essential if youre to reach first base in the personal development game. Those who are not able to step up and take response-ability for themselves continue to eat junk food, take various drugs, remain workaholics, ignore important relationships, blame others, blame themselves, live life in a rut, waste their time, or show no interest in their own well being. Asked why they continue to self-destruct, such people commonly answer I dont know. Not thinking is an avoidance technique. Not feeling is another. Popping pills for every headache, heartburn or stomach upset is tantamount to saying I dont want to look into why this is going on. I can well remember the time when I too took these shortcuts whenever I felt unwell, because it never occurred to me that I was actually causing the dis-ease, let alone that I had the power to heal it.
Blame ignores the real issue

When we put our own house in order, others will be less likely to litter in it. Jeff Saunders In addition to accepting responsibility for your own life, this step also requires that you no longer blame others and no longer look for others to rescue you from your life circumstances (which, incidentally, you have created). Giving up thinking that others are responsible for your life is not as easy as it seems because in many, often subtle, ways we expect, or demand, that others change, apologize, or take ownership of their actions in order to fit our expectations. Only when youre determined to be in charge of your life, will transformation begin. I still find at times that I am tempted to blame others for circumstances that dont go the way I want. This is especially easy to do with children because exercising control over them is not only easy, but many children expect it, and so will respond to such control. It is sometimes still my pattern, when my buttons are pushed, to project a comment or even some negative energy in the direction of someone else. I can remember once when I was younger kicking a door when I walked into it, as if the door was responsible for my injury. As a psychotherapist, I am keenly aware that
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adults not taking responsibility for their reactions to children causes trauma in the lives of many young people. If we all took responsibility for our reactions to other people, realizing that others are just being the best they can be in their own way, harmony would soon come to our planet. Giving up blame of self and others is the fast-track to getting a life. You might ask yourself whether you are taking full response-ability for your health, nutrition, fitness, finances, friendships, happiness, mental self-talk, state of your home, emotional patterns, new learning the list is endless. Any blaming of others in regards to any aspect of your life means you are not yet fully in charge. Many people take response-ability for much that happens to them, but very few take responseability for everything. By the end of this book, you will understand why it is that every aspect of your reality is your own creation, and so everything about your life must be owned as yours. When youre faced with any situation you dislike, you have these choices: 1. Take responsibility to remove yourself from the situation. This option is often overlooked as a viable option, because it may create inner anxiety. 2. Change the situation. This option is too often sought as the remedy, and is unlikely to succeed if it includes attempts to change people who are unwilling to be changed. 3. Accept the situation as simply what is, and drop your feelings of resistance to the circumstances. Open to, accept, and breathe into your feelings, and notice what your feelings are asking you to do for yourself. Notice that what is happening right now, is about you. Choose to notice what happens within you when you have a problem you are sure should belong to another.
There are special circumstances under which many people give up their ability to respond, and lay the blame for their predicaments upon religion, governments, ruling classes and so on. In fact, the way in which this happens keeps entire ethnic groups or even nations in a state of social or economic poverty. It is helpful to understand how this happens, because you may be playing Victim in ways you are not aware of.
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In New Zealand, there are certain ethnic or cultural groups who continue to top the statistics for poor health, poor nutrition, low incomes, rates of incarceration, child homicides, and so on. As in many countries, special services have been developed in order to accommodate some of these problems. For example, special health initiatives have targeted those most in need. These have taken the guise of culturally sensitive services aimed at increasing the likelihood that health services will be better used. This is a little like giving someone a fishing line, rather than just a fish. It assumes that once a person or targeted group are given a fishing line, they will want to go and catch their own fish the sort of thinking that has been used to address poverty in third world countries. This argument assumes people know and own their problems, which is sadly often not the case. Not only must people be given their fishing line, but they must also believe that they have the ability to catch their own fish, and they must also want to go fishing. It is also possible that they will only see certain types of fishing line as culturally appropriate to use. Playing the Victim game can become a community pastime. The bottom line is that it wouldnt matter which sort of fishing line was provided, how much tuition was made available as to how to use it, or a campaign generated to market the joys of eating fresh fish. These people simply wont take response-ability for their own health. The symptoms are there for all to see. Many of these people eat a poor diet of fatty and sugary food, drink excessive quantities of alcohol, and suffer illnesses from obesity as well as from too much smoking. Dont ever wait to be rescued from your own foolish choices. No-one else is in charge of your life. At the end of the day, no one can be made to live a healthy life. You cant be made to fish, made to want to fish, or made to eat the fish you catch or are given. There is a point where people who refuse to help themselves cant be helped by others. Those who work hard to improve the health of people who insist on slowly killing themselves, whether the helpers are legislators, politicians or health professionals, are simply rescuing so long as they take too much responsibility for those who wont take any. The first step is to help people see that they are choosing to remain Victims. The comments that are made here in regards to health, could also be made in regards to education, child raising, mental health education, career training, and so on. The difference between those who have a great life, and those whose lives are miserable, so often amounts to the degree of determination that each puts into finding out how to get a life, and putting energy into making it happen.
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Are you taking full response-ability, or fool response-ability? Personal Reflection: Consider who you blame and for what. This includes blaming yourself. Consider what it is that goes wrong that gets you into blaming. Consider what you must do for yourself, in order to stop blaming. Recognize that others cant be changed unless they agree and they usually wont. So what must you do to stop being wound up by your own mistakes or the behaviours of others? Commit to the changes you must make, and record these in My Personal Planner.
Strategies for taking personal responsibility

1. Acknowledge that everything that happens in your life has in some way been created by you. While you may not appreciate yet how that could be so, be assured that it is. These books will show you why, if indeed you choose to fully understand this watershed insight. When you change yourself from within, everything around you will change. The buck stops with you. Notice the cause and effect in your life. When youre in a great mood, things flow better than when you are choosing to be down. Positive perspectives serve you better than negative ones. Notice. Reflect in general on how your attitudes could be creating the realities the world reflects back to you. 2. Seek ways in which you can add to the responsibility you take for your life. Completing the exercise below will help you with this. Determine to add to how you shape your life by addressing any areas where you could be doing more to support yourself and your life. For example, never allow others to determine the course of your life. In fact, never rely on others to get their act together about, or rescue you from, anything. Once you decisively determine a course of action for yourself, youll be amazed at how motivated others become to respond to your determination. 3. Come to understand the part of you that wants to blame (self or others), and recognize that blaming is always about a choice not to act on your own behalf in some way. Staying caught in the blame game will keep you in the lame game. It is
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like shooting yourself in the foot, because it overlooks that we are only victims when we allow ourselves to be. In future, when tempted to blame, ask yourself What am I going to do right now to empower myself? 4. Understand any tendencies you have to act impulsively or prematurely, seeking immediate gains at the expense of long term profit emotionally, mentally, financially, health-wise, or in your relationships. Consider what drives you to do this, and whether or not continuing in this way is useful for you. Impulsivity and shortterm strategies, whether buying a lotto ticket or having an affair, usually result from a lack of understanding as to what works best. People who have thought seriously about how to improve their lives develop long term strategies and intentions that they know will work. Researched and carefully considered options lead to success. Shortterm strategies lead only to short term benefits. 5. Notice any patterns you have to own problems that are not yours, or to give others problems that are not theirs. Dumping on others, or allowing others to dump on you are common mistakes. They arise from inadequate appreciation of boundaries. Never get others to take responsibility for your woes, even if it seems that they are responsible for them. You always have choice as to who is in your life so never moan about who you have there. Consider getting rid of people who are losers from your life you dont have the time for that nonsense. Similarly, dont expect others to rescue you from your life. Get it together yourself. It is appropriate to get help from skilled people for this process but thats not the same as expecting to be rescued. 6. Notice how appropriately you put up boundaries, or fail to do so. Consider those occasions when you could more appropriately erect boundaries, or remove them. The inability to know your own needs and establish boundaries so as to honour these is one of the major downfalls on the road to personal empowerment. Even the most skilled boundary setters often look after the needs of others at their own expense. Doing this will cost you energy and a life designed by others. Commit to your own needs and passions. 7. Commit to learning more about how to order your life. These books, or others like them, help you to see where you can make changes. Rome was not built in a day. Similarly, your life will get better if you apply the concept of gradual improvement on a daily basis. Determine to improve those intelligences you know need developing, and put the time into doing so. The determination to improve your confidence, erase unhelpful self-beliefs, feel better about yourself, become more motivated, learn who you are, erase the memories of old trauma, manage your monkey mind or become more emotionally stable all covered in this book begin with the intention born of wanting to take full response-ability for your life. 8. Acknowledge and celebrate the degree to which you already take response-ability, and have created quality in your life because of that. Take response-ability for
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affirming yourself for successes, noticing those small improvements as they accrue. Nothing succeeds like success, so make the most of your progress. If you find that you feel discomfort when being self-congratulatory, then you could challenge whatever limiting belief supports that resistance. Answers to quiz on problem ownership: 1. My; 2. My; 3. Others; 4. No; 6. Others; 7. My; 8. Others; 9. Others; 10. My; 11. Others; 12. Others.
Exercise: The response-ability I take for my life Take a moment to reflect on those areas of your life you already take response-ability for, and those where you have yet to fully do so. Each of the twelve categories in the chart on the next page relates to chapters in this book. Be aware that you may not actually know how to take full response-ability for all areas of you life until you have read this series and worked out where and how to make changes. However, by the end of this particular book, you could choose to be well on your way. Record in My Personal Planner any areas in which you would like to improve or refine the degree to which you take response-ability.
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Ta k e f u l l r e s p o n s i b i l i t y f o r y o u r l i f e Area of responsibility Always Sometime s Never
1. I take full responsibility for the health of my body good food, no drugs, no chemicals, lots of sleep, water, exercise, balanced lifestyle 2. I take full responsibility for being financially independent budgeting, saving, investing, generating my income 3 I take full responsibility for using my mind in a healthy way optimistic, visionary (creative thoughts), healthy stimulation, frequent mental relaxation, no worrying, obsessing, hating, depressing, or ruminating 4 I take full responsibility for managing my emotions in a healthy way owning, fully feeling all emotional states, expressing appropriately, controlling them if needed, listening to what they tell me, staying in them and not eluding them 5 I take full responsibility for the values and beliefs I hold all unhelpful ones removed, all consciously created by me, all based on needs, all adding to my happiness, all based on who I am 6. I take full responsibility for detecting and meeting my own physical, social, emotional, intellectual, spiritual and recreational needs 7. I take full responsibility for erecting or removing boundaries as appropriate no blame, no Drama Triangle, no owning of others problems, no giving others my problems, looking after my needs first, honouring myself first 8. I take full responsibility for removing negative selfbeliefs, and for installing positive self-affirmations 9. I take full responsibility for the quality of my relationships I communicate well, listen well, own my problems, prioritize feelings of self and others, understand dynamics involved, discuss needs, address and resolve conflict 10. I take full responsibility for developing a quality vocation & life purpose love what I do, plan my career & life direction, career follows my passion, helps me grow, allows creativity & provides a purpose 11. I take full responsibility for the quality of my spiritual life investigate purpose of my life, well connected with my inner self, tuned in to life/world, have a spirited vital life, seek growth 12. I take full responsibility for creating my life plan my life purpose, plan my own personal growth, consciously create the reality I want, realize my life is entirely my creation and so I make it happen
A BILL OF RIGHTS & RESPONSIBILITIES
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These tips may help you stay out of the Control Drama Triangle. 1. You have the right to be sole judge of your thoughts, emotions and actions. With this comes the response-ability to own their impact on yourself, and to afford others this same right. 2. You have the right to make choices without having to justify them. The responseability for the consequences of those choices, including any impact on your relationships, then lies with you. 3. You have the right to say No to the requests of others without feeling guilt. If your choice causes others to react, you then take response-ability for how you respond to their reaction. 4. You have the right to change your mind. Any emotional consequences that arise within you are your response-ability, as is your reaction to the impact your new choice has on others. 5. You have the right to make mistakes. The consequences of these on your life are your response-ability. 6. You have the right to say I dont know, I dont understand, or to procrastinate. The impact of this uncertainty on your life is your response-ability. 7. You have the right to be illogical or emotional. Again, the impact of this choice on your life is your response-ability. 8. You have the right to meet your own needs first, except where the immediate welfare of a dependent person (such as a child) is at risk. It is your response-ability to know what your needs are, to express these, and to do so when that expression will bring the most beneficial results. 9. It is your right to express your opinion in a way which does not violate the rights of others. It is your response-ability to allow others to do the same. 10. It is your right to remove yourself from the company of others. It is your response-ability to respect others who choose to do the same.
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Chapter 8
Choice Three: Support yourself with selfdiscipline

Life is suffering. Gautama the Buddha LAW OF DISCIPLINE: Winners manage their energy wisely and use it to focus on only what really matters. The reason life is suffering for human beings is that we create that suffering ourselves. We generate our misery by coping with life in ways which give rise to manifold problems. What the Buddha could perhaps have said is "life is about learning how to avoid suffering." Indeed, he did also describe how humankind can escape suffering. Sadly, only the wise actually do this on a regular basis, constantly seeking ways to be happier and more contented within. We need to be able to see that what goes wrong for us in life is caused by our approach to gaining happiness and freedom, not by life itself. Our first responsibility, therefore, is to commit to our own life, and to do this by disciplining the way in which we live it. As Scott Peck noted, When we teach ourselves and our children discipline, we are teaching them and ourselves how to suffer and also how to grow.1 However, facing emotions and taking responsibility for their growth is not the way most people conduct themselves. Discipline takes you from here to there. Ill-discipline takes you from here to nowhere. Our challenge is to create regular, functional patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving and to practice these regularly. Such consciously created and practiced patterns constitute self-discipline. If you are going to succeed and manifest a happy life, then you will need to become self-disciplined well organized, persistent, optimistic, committed, and motivated to achieve your intentions. You dont have to be like this every minute, but during much of your day-to-day living, these qualities will need to be present. People who have waffly intentions and half-hearted commitment to projects are unlikely to succeed. The need for a focused approach to what is important to you requires
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choices and intentions that are clear, focused and easy to hold in your mind, because self-discipline boils down to how you manage your thinking and how you manage to get your needs met in such a way that unmet needs dont derail your best intentions. Self-discipline used with the tools of personal development is the means by which you can escape the suffering caused by an undisciplined mind and unmet needs. People who are undisciplined suffer from an inability to make wise choices, develop clear intentions, and then stick to them. Self-discipline is simply the skill of deciding what will work best, and then staying focused and not going off track because you cant be bothered, arent sure, are anxious about consequences, are doubting, or are unclear about what you really want in your life. As Scott Peck reminds us, discipline is the basic set of tools we require to solve lifes problems. Without discipline we can solve nothing. With only some discipline we can solve only some problems. With total discipline we can solve all problems.2 To be a success in life whatever you want to succeed at will require that you develop strong intentions about what you want. The stronger your intentions, the more assured you can be that success will come. The only way to be consistently determined is to discipline yourself to be focused on what really matters to you. If youre at all unsure as to what that is, then begin by being determined to find out what lights your fire, and move forward in that direction.
Determine to make your life just what you want it to be. Determine to learn how to make it what you want it to be. Determine to follow through on what you learn. This is self-discipline.
Do you want to be self-disciplined?

I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of man to elevate his life by conscious endeavour. Henry David Thoreau No doubt, the word discipline reminds you of punishments and feeling controlled and manipulated at school or at home as a child. However, this was externally
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Support yourself with self-discipline
imposed discipline you had to endure at a time you were perhaps deemed unable to discipline yourself. Unfortunately, externally imposed discipline can erode personal power, the ability to reason and make judgments or choices for oneself. Selfdiscipline is nothing like externally imposed discipline, because it requires you to determine your won priorities and then set your own pace. You may also have had poor modelling of self-discipline from your adult caregivers, who may have been better at Do as I say rather than Do as I do. Did your parents discipline their own lives, and if so, what did this teach you about selfdiscipline? Were your parents able to sit with discomfort, to be honest even when doing so might bring shame, and to delay the meeting of their needs and wants until a more appropriate time? Were your parents able to sit through your times of trouble or discomfort and model the process of delaying their own desire for instant gratification, and working patiently through the challenges you faced? Much that passes for discipline of children is nothing short of control. Control is usually a symptom of ill-discipline, an attempt to get ones needs met by manipulating someone else. If you experienced punishment as discipline, and never saw adults managing their life with wisdom, then you may have missed out on helpful adult modelling. 3 Healthy self-discipline does not involve self-control. Rather, it invites intention and passion focused on what really matters to you.
Self-discipline values the self

Self-reliance is the only road to true freedom, and being ones own person is its ultimate reward. Patricia Sampson If you had well disciplined role models as a child, you were indeed lucky. For many people, true self-discipline only begins in adult life when the school of hard knocks provides lessons about those behaviours of ours that work, and those that dont. Reality TV shows depict the horrors that young people put themselves through because they are not taking responsibility for themselves, and so are leading a life that wanders aimlessly from meeting one impulsive short-term benefit to the next. If you are in a position now in your life to demonstrate self-discipline to a child, or encourage them to exercise self-discipline themselves, then you will also be communicating to that child that you care for them, appreciate them, value them, respect them and honour them. This will truly be a priceless gift for this child, and one that will impact positively on their entire adult life. Later on, they are likely to do for themselves what a caring adult once did for them. A child who has felt valued, worthwhile and deserving, will relate as such to themselves when an adult. 4 As to the child is done, so the grown child will do to self and others.
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A person who values themselves values the way they use time, how they dress, the quality of their relationships and the enjoyment they get from their job. They value their life, and are prepared to discipline themselves to ensure they get the most out of it. Of course there is also unhealthy self-discipline - self-discipline which has become obsessional or even self-destructive. Individuals in this situation feel, for example, that they always have to be very tidy, constantly looking after others at the expense of their own needs, never allow themselves to be vulnerable or emotionally expressive and feel driven to be a successful achiever. Discipline begets order. Order begets function. Function begets freedom. Freedom begets quality of life. Healthy self-discipline involves the mindful management of emotions. Consider, for example, the ill-discipline of over-eating. This occurs because an emotion is running that the eater wants to drown with food. If you are feeling anxiety or guilt, for example, you could get rid of this temporarily by eating, because emotions as well as food are digested by the stomach. Thus, food in the stomach will absorb those energies previously felt as a churning or hollow sensation. If you think about it, you will realize that whenever your thinking creates an uncomfortable emotional reaction, you will seek a way to diminish that emotion. Sometimes no thought is needed at all in order for an emotional reaction to occur, but this will be because a habitual reaction has occurred as a result of repeated thoughts about a situation. For example, if you find yourself reacting emotionally whenever you see your ex-partner, a teacher who abused you in school, or someone with whom you had a serious falling out, your emotions will react according to that previous programming. But the issue is the same an emotional reaction is occurring, and a part of you wants to resolve the discomfort you feel. People who are self-disciplined have either learned to manage those emotions, or have learned to accept they are there and do what is best anyway. People who lack sufficient self-discipline, however, deal with negative emotions in unhelpful ways, such as over-eating, abusing drugs including alcohol, being obsessive, worrying, depressing, stressing, indulging in excessive sex or indulging in an excess of anything at all. Even excessive work can be caused by unmanaged emotions.
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The most common emotion people react to is fear, and people who think in ways which produce fear limit steps they will take in life in order to avoid the fear. As Susan Jeffers pointed out in the title of the book she wrote to deal with this phenomenon, the way to address that emotion is to Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. This and related emotional management skills are explained in Chapters 10, 11 and 15, and will take disciplined practice to master. Disciplined emotions can be an ally. Welcome them. Listen to them. Heed any positive action they ask of you.
Emotional mis-management may lead to ill-discipline. Bring disciplined awareness to emotional processes.
Self-discipline brings freedom

For the warrior, letting go is connected with relaxing within discipline, in order to experience freedom. Chogyam Trungpa Self-discipline, far from being the hard, grinding slog many people make of it, can be a means to freedom. Freedom from emotions of worry, fear, guilt, anxiety, shame, embarrassment, loneliness, and frustration is achieved by changing our perception of our world, of ourselves, and our perceptions around our ability to be the architects of our life. Indeed, negative emotions are usually indicators that our beliefs, attitudes, or perspectives are not serving us well. They may also point towards a damaged Inner Child that we would be wise to listen to. Chapter 11 (and also Book 6 later in this series) will offer you some tips on how to bring self-discipline to help you manage reactive emotions. Self-discipline also enables us to modify our behaviour so that we don't create difficulties, but successfully deal with challenges that come our way. All our challenges offer an opportunity for growth Scott Peck notes that when we avoid the legitimate suffering that results from dealing with problems, we also avoid the growth that problems demand from us.5 If we manage life's problems by reacting like robots in accordance to our earlier conditioning, there are likely to be times when we don't deal with them as
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effectively as we could. Our task, then, is to consider what challenges us in life and consider whether we are using the most effective ways to meet these challenges. Too many people fail to learn, and many never assume, the responsibility to do so. Self-discipline is the path down which we are invited to walk to find freedom from an otherwise undisciplined mind and life. For example, let's suppose that we continually feel negative about getting out of bed in the morning. We may feel depressed about the day ahead, anxious about forthcoming events, or perhaps resigned to facing another day of boredom. However, despite these feelings, we may not actively consider ways of changing our life. We may not even consider why it is we feel this way. The first step to meeting life's challenges is to be aware that something about our life doesn't feel right, or doesnt seem to function as well as it might. A few years ago, when I realized I had a resistance to getting out of bed and coming to work, by sitting with the emotion of loathing and anxiety, I discovered I feared being judged as inadequate by colleagues. Once aware that this was what my emotions were alerting me to, I worked through my fears, and then disciplined myself not to bother about the opinions of others or their criticism. Immediately, once I had made this realization, those heavy emotions I had been waking up with vanished. Now, many years later, my life is in a different phase. Now I get up first in the family and make breakfast. But before getting to the kitchen, I take twenty to thirty minutes to meditate. I enjoy that time so much, that I push myself to get up earlier so that I can have that time with myself, going within, and enjoying the connectedness, peace, and calm I feel for those minutes each day. So, unlike the previous example where I used discipline to confront an emotion, here Im using discipline to create the feelings I desire. Discipline yourself to confront your feelings. Discipline yourself to create feelings you desire. From parenting a child to making our relationships fulfilling, problems call forth our creativity, courage, wisdom, problem-solving skills, determination, commitment and persistence. Life's problems are seen by some as a means to drag us down. By others they are viewed as an opportunity to learn and grow as a person. In fact it is only by seeing problems as an opportunity to expand our potential and wisdom that we will make constructive use of our life. They give us a chance to develop moral fibre, refine our values, and expand our capacities as a human being.6
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The way to successfully meet these problems and ensure that we don't have to learn the same lessons over and over again, is to develop strategies which work for a number of these problems. For example, if we have a tendency to be late for appointments, we may discover that the reason is because we leave our organizing to the last minute, or perhaps try to achieve too much within a given time frame. By learning to plan ahead, and accurately determining the time it will take to do the travelling involved, we may be able to overcome the problem. Once these measures are in place, they will enable us to be on time all the time, perhaps greatly reducing our stress and embarrassment, helping our interactions with others run smoothly, and providing a sense of freedom and relaxation where previously it was missing. Take responsibility to learn strategies that add to your quality of life, and then discipline yourself to become accomplished at them. Successful self-discipline arises from being open to fully experiencing events (often with considerable emotional pain), listening to our emotional response or insight, and learning what these are telling us about how to maximize our happiness. Each of the chapters in this book deals with an aspect of human functioning that demands self-discipline for successful implementation. It will be easy to start fast, and then, like the hare, get distracted with other worldly attractions. It will be easy to begin enthusiastically, then run out of steam. Bear in mind that people who are successful and feel in charge of their life bring self-discipline to everything. They know, even if unconsciously, the equation: Self-awareness + self-responsibility + self-discipline = empowerment A lack of self-discipline leads to a life that is chaotic, and this inevitably leads to lower levels of enjoyment and inner peace. At the end of the day, who wants a life thrown around by the events that unfold minute by minute? Who wants a life that is a knee-jerk reaction to whatever pops up in the moment? There are eight action disciplines, which, if mastered, will lead to success, prosperity and empowerment.
1: Discipline your time.

Time should be the most cherished resource you have. You have less of it today than yesterday - it is the only resource you have that is guaranteed to diminish. Time is opportunity. Time is money. Time is energy. If you throw away time, you are throwing away a precious jewel. Don't waste time on 'useless' work or any other useless time wasting activities. Use time well, and work smart rather than hard. If you ever find yourself getting bored, it is because you are waiting for someone else to discover a way you can better use your time. Time is precious. Time is life. There is no time like time judiciously spent.
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Time can be used to make money, have fun, have sex, improve relationships, experience intimacy, smell the flowers, travel to other cultures, experience the outdoors or share and acquire ideas. Which of these most interest you? Which do you want to experience most of before you die? Are you in fact prioritizing the experiences that mean the most to you? Being in a body is a wonderful opportunity to grow as an individual, yet so many people just watch time going by and their body deteriorating.
An old Arabian proverb notes that Four things come not back the spoken word, the sped arrow, the past life, and the neglected opportunity. In many spiritual traditions, disciples are invited to regularly contemplate their death, so that they never lose focus on the need to make the most of every moment. Use death as an adviser, alerting you to the priorities in your life. Most people who say they have no time are spending it fraudulently on activities that dont really light their fire at all. Keep a time chart of what you do for a month. You will be amazed at where you find time being unwisely spent.
2: Discipline your eating.

Most people are not even able to get to first base in the discipline stakes. Sadly, all too many people continue to eat too many foods containing sugars, fats, and chemicals. Given that 25% of nutrients in a healthy diet are used for brain function, it is not surprising that people who eat poorly dont seem to be thinking. The reason I include this discipline amongst those that lead to success, prosperity and happiness, is that you can have none of these in the complete sense if you are unwell, moody, gloomy, foggy or otherwise affected by poor nutrition. This most basic of disciplines is really a measure of how well you are likely to master the disciplines that follow. Smart people eat smart. Disciplined people discipline their eating. To manage your eating requires the ability to manage your emotions around food (such as foods that taste good rather than feel healthy), and the ability to postpone that which does not have lasting benefit. If you can limit your food intake to those
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foods that are healthy, it means that you can exercise the sort of restraint necessary to be disciplined in general. There is no point in being wealthy, educated, in a good job and having good relationships if you are also very sick, dying or dead.
The inability of many people to delay gratification is no more apparent than when it comes to food. The desire to have what feels good is what makes overweight people keep eating. If a person can develop the ability to delay gratification with food, that skill can then be transferred to other situations. Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence, describes in his book an experiment in which four year olds were told by the researcher that if they were able to resist eating a marshmallow placed in front of them while the researcher was out of the room, when he returned they would be given a second marshmallow as well. The children who succeeded at that exercise, when followed up in their teens, were more personally effective, self-assertive, and better able to cope with the frustrations of life. They were less likely to go to pieces, freeze, or regress under stress, or become rattled and disorganized when pressured; they embraced challenges and pursued them instead of giving up even in the face of difficulties; they were self-reliant and confident, trustworthy and dependable; and they took initiative and plunged into projects... Most astonishingly, they had dramatically higher scores on their SAT tests.7 The ability to delay impulsivity, then, is a self-discipline that may be transferable across many parameters in life.
3: Discipline your work.

When working, really work. Work smart. Work efficiently. Work to live, rather than live to work. A chore or task will usually expand to fill the time allotted to it. If you find yourself at work spending lots of time doing tasks that dont produce much income, prune them from your schedule. Most people work very inefficiently at work, and if you are self-employed, this is a disaster for getting ahead. Stephen Covey in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People shows that many tasks are neither urgent nor important priorities, yet are treated as such. Critically examine the usefulness of how you prioritize your tasks, both in your private and work lives. If you don't love your work, then you can either change your attitude, change the way you are relating to the job or those within it, or change your job. Dont waste your precious life doing noddy tasks with noddy people who do nothing for you. You wont ever become wealthy, healthy or happy doing work you dislike. The emotions needed for success will not be present.
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Do you live to work, or do you work to live? Or does work make living worthwhile? If you love your work, then: you'll be creative: ideas will come easily, you'll be motivated; you'll be prepared to grapple more constructively when problems offer you the opportunity to grow, learn and meet a challenge; youll vibrate with a sense of success, confidence, and optimism, which will create more of the same; youll attract further prosperity of opportunity because of the positive energy youre putting out (explained in Chapter 17).
4: Discipline your leisure.

This is a step to success and empowerment, even though it is rarely seen as such. Using leisure constructively gives you power because it recharges your batteries, helps you un-stress, improves your health, keeps your life in balance, and enables you to better generate positive energies which will attract more of the same. Too often, leisure time is seen as wasted time, or becomes wasted time. It is a real art to spend leisure time so that it benefits your health and sense of well-being. For some people, blobbing in front of TV works for a while, but not for long. Too much TV has been directly connected with a lack of achievement, lowered motivation, and depressed mood. Therefore there is a need for balance even in leisure activities.
Consider how you do now, or could in future, make the most of time set aside for leisure. Ensure that at some point your leisure choices offer exercise, movement, use of muscles and maintenance of flexibility. There is plenty of research that shows that people who age gracefully and stay fit and well into old age do so in large part because of the healthy physical activities they constantly undertake. According to renowned author and physician Dr Deepak Chopra, one of the simplest ways to prevent entropy is to give the body something to do mental and physical neglect (the disuse syndrome) promotes premature aging Physiologists used to believe that exercise primarily benefits us at young ages, when muscles are in their prime development stage. However, research with the elderly has conclusively demonstrated that someone who takes up exercise at any age, including centenarians, will receive the same increase in strength, stamina, and muscle mass. 8 Thus,
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activity is wise to include in your daily routine, and is best not treated as an optional extra. Disciplined leisure activities bring balance and health to your life. Ensure you not only get ample leisure time, but that you enjoy it totally free of guilt or mental messages that you should be doing something else. Dont be like a client of mine who is so perfectionist that she is planning the next thing to do while playing the piano. And dont be like another who considers a trip to the casino to be a leisure activity. Get fully immersed in activities you like, and by all means use them to forget all of the other dramas in your life. But dont sabotage one area of your life to support another. When having fun, have fun and only have fun, without also creating unnecessary mental burdens through concern or worry.
5: Discipline your thoughts.

Mental self-discipline, is, in my view, the single biggest contributor to a balanced, clear perspective on life. Without it, you can never be happy, because happiness, success and empowerment begin in the mind. Unfortunately, healthy mental discipline is scarce in western culture. Most people are racked by stress, anxiety, guilt, worry or depression. Rid yourself of scarcity or poverty consciousness and be determined to develop perspectives focused on prosperity. Seriously consider imagining yourself living a healthy, wealthy lifestyle, with successful relationships and a clear head which has been trained to have no concerns.
When Richard came to me concerned that his wife had discovered his interest in internet porn, he was desperate to learn how to give it up and patch up his relationship. Richards problem, though, was that he had chosen porn as a way to deal with his stress, general unhappiness, pain caused by a medical condition, and an almost total lack of recreation in his life. He had allowed this obsession to develop to a point that it was now difficult for him to let go of this habit. His mind and emotions had become stuck in this groove. I pointed out to Richard that there were two aspects to changing this habit. The first was to bring disciplined recreation and balance to his life so that his stresses were reduced. The second was to discipline his mind, which had become obsessed with porn as a leisure and pleasure activity. Richard had allowed his mind and
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emotions to slip into a groove, and it would now take self-discipline to train it to focus on more useful alternatives. Weeding out unhelpful negative thoughts which undermine our quality of life is a smart thing to do. If our mind gets bothered about tidiness, cleanliness, what others will think, or seeks to escape through gambling, alcohol or porn, or is full of fearful thoughts worrying about this and that, we would be well advised to develop strategies to return it to balance. (Some options are provided in Chapter 10). None of us have the time or energy to waste on trashy thoughts, let alone cope with the exhaustion they cause. Disciplined minds dont tolerate trash. Choose to be aware of your thoughts, and to determine that only positive and helpful thoughts will be allowed space in your head. By observing whatever comes into your mind, you will undermine the power and persistence of thoughts that no longer serve you. Never lose sight of the fact that happiness is created by perspective. By choosing to be optimistic, creative, hopeful, determined and pro-active, you are disciplining your mind to behave usefully. A calm mind has balance and creative potential.
6: Discipline your emotions.

Very few people have any idea of the importance of this. Impulsive, grasping, aversive, obsessive or excessive thoughts will drive your life if given half a chance, and they wont drive it anywhere you will want to go. Prune negative emotions by cutting off the thoughts that generate them. Instead, generate emotions that will lead to the life you want Even setting an intention to monitor and regulate your emotions will help, as will disciplining negative thoughts from whence negative emotions arise. Develop those positive outlooks that generate helpful emotions. Deal with life in the Now as much as possible, and curb any tendencies to think too far in advance, thus generating worry and anxiety. Positive emotions produce a positive life. People who are "emotionally intelligent" lead far more successful lives than those who are not. The children who partook in the marshmallow experiment and demonstrated an ability to manage their desire to eat the tantalizing sweet sitting in front of them clearly demonstrated that this skill of self-discipline had advantaged them over many of their peers in later years. The key to success with emotions is to be aware of them and accept them as they are. This way, you will be able to exercise control over them. You cant make emotions do anything. However, they fear awareness and will soon disappear when observed non-judgmentally. Check out Chapters 11 and 15 in this book for the summary of key strategies for successful emotional management.
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Only emotions you embrace, Can be managed and erased.
7: Discipline your communication

Success in a career or relationship is rarely possible without knowing how to interact comfortably and effectively with others. Employers now consider written and verbal communication skills to be amongst the most important criteria for choosing job applicants. Enhance your relating skills by being keenly aware of what happens inside of you when you are with people, and by learning what it is you would need to do to increase your comfort and effectiveness with others. Set definite and determined intentions that you will get better at relating. Most people, especially men I would have to say, do not have sufficient quality skills to hold a relationship together long term, and often dont know they have a skills shortfall. You can gain these skills by watching what successfully relating people do, and then copying them. Quality communication skills are a pre-requisite for quality relationships. To relate well, it helps to know yourself, your style of relating, your needs and your values. These are at the central core of all relationship conflict. Once you know how you tick, you can discipline yourself not to be bothered by the antics of others, but stay with an awareness of your own needs and values. By immersing yourself in this series of books, you will learn a lot of the skills and practices that will enhance all of your relationships, both those at home and those at work.
When I was a young man, I had abysmal relationship skills. I didnt know that these were a factor in the limited and mostly unsuccessful relationships I had with women. But I changed. I learned a great deal about relating and communicating during my professional training, and learned skills of reflective listening, being empathic, and owning my own emotional reactions instead of blaming. I came to recognize that I was wanting others to be like me, rather than developing the skill of allowing and accepting others to be as they were.
8: Discipline your finances
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This is where most people invite stress into their lives. The sooner you start down the path of financial discipline and developing your financial intelligence, the sooner you will reach the time in life when choices really open up to you. Sadly, the number who become financially intelligent are a small minority of the population. I often say to people that to be in debt is to be in chains; to have savings is to have freedom from money worries and the freedom to make choices. If you are in debt, then do something immediately to address it. If you are not living within your income, and preferably saving something, then a hidden volcano is gathering steam, and will erupt sooner or later in your life. People who get into debt early in life can take many years to get out of it. I have worked with many clients who have had to go through considerable hardship just to get the slate clean again. Learn to say No to what you like when you know it will compromise your finances. People who cant say No to material possessions or costly sensual pleasures never become wealthy unless they are fortunate enough one day to land a high paying job and this doesnt happen to many. Just as with gambling, the chances of getting rich by happening upon big money are few. Big spending must not precede big saving. Remember that you are either saving or getting into debt. It is highly unlikely you are breaking exactly even. Be sure that it is saving that is happening. I am now financially free because of investments I have made over the past twelve years. I started out with little or nothing, but by saving every cent possible, I bought my first house, then another, then another and so on. Now the money I invested then has provided me with money I can spend now. Here is a brief summary of some key disciplines required for financial health: Pay off all personal debts just as soon as you can. Ruthlessly cut back on all luxury spending. If you are still spending more than you are making, you are still spending on luxuries. Put aside money to pay off debt and/or save every payday. No exceptions. When you have saved a few thousand dollars (or thereabouts) investigate prudent investment choices. Continue to pay yourself through this saving mechanism. Plan to invest to safeguard your future, and provide yourself with choices. Research ways to invest your growing nest-egg so as to generate maximum long-term returns. Discipline your finances now, and create wealth for later.
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Remind yourself also of your value to others when you are wealthy, healthy and happy. Affirm your existing wealth, health and good things in your life, and associate and feel the positive energies of being with other prosperous and purposeful people. If you are a fearful person, do something about it. Fears are rarely based on reality. They can take over your life and they are the prime generator of useless mind talk. Being fearful of your financial situation will only create more of it. Therefore you must learn the skill of coping with your situation as it is, while creatively imagining yourself being totally free of any financial difficulties. Each day, awaken to thoughts of how your day will pan out when you have all the wealth you desire. The emotion you develop when you do this must be positive and feel good as you imagine yourself doing all sorts of things that are possible when you will be rich. The last of the twelve choices discussed in Chapter 17 will reiterate the value of imagining living the life you desire.
Action steps to success

You must first have the knowledge of your power; second, the courage to dare; third, the faith to do. Charles F. Haanel You will recall the five requirements mentioned in the introduction that are needed to successfully ensure you get the results you desire from any personal development work you do on yourself. Be sure you are doing each of these in regards to the direction you are wanting your life to head in. Let me remind you of the five essential action steps it is necessary to discipline yourself to undertake: 1. A written record of your sense of purpose or mission. 2. Clearly established goals. 3. First action steps have been identified. 4. You are persisting even while success seems some distance away.
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5. You are committed to do whatever it takes to accomplish your life purpose and goals.
Scott Peck considers that the key techniques by which to manage the suffering and uncertainty life brings from time to time are just four, which many children have mastered before reaching high school. The four disciplines he suggests are: the delaying of gratification (i.e. managing the tendency to act impulsively), the acceptance of responsibility for self, dedication to truth and the management of a balanced life. Do most adults have these simple skills/disciplines? I think not. 9 I would add to Pecks list because my experience tells me that discipline is called for in almost all phases of our life in fact whenever we are faced with choices that pit the easy road up against the road less travelled the road that might entail some emotional suffering. The list I offer below invites commitment and action on your part. Come armed with these qualities as you learn new knowledge, strategies and skills throughout this book. Plan, take first actions, persist, commit and continue to learn. All great achievers follow this path.
Summary: daily disciplines of self-awareness

Discipline shows you how to make the journey of warriorship. It guides you in the way of the warrior and shows you how to live in the warriors world. Chogyam Trungpa, in Shambhala 1. Be aware of what you are feeling in your body and what those sensations are inviting you to do for yourself, such as exercise, eat healthy food, rest, take time out, drink more water. 2. Be aware of your thoughts, especially negative ones, and prune these from your lifestyle. 3. Be aware of your self-talk, and discipline yourself to stop the nonsense of speaking harshly or critically to yourself.
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4. Be aware of your emotional patterns, the thoughts, beliefs and inner conflicts that spawn these, and discipline yourself to observe these processes, own them, and hold the intention that non-judgmentally observing these thoughts will result in their losing energy and eventually ceasing. 5. Be aware of old emotional reactions to the comments of others, and discipline yourself to attend to the healing needed if you are to stop reacting to others. 6. Be aware of areas of your life that are drifting, becoming more focused on what you want, and discipline yourself to set and follow intentions/goals that will move your life to where you want it to be. 7. Notice how you create you own reality, what is or isnt working in the way you do this, and discipline yourself to adopt the thought patterns that will create the reality you want in your life. 8. Be aware of how you use time, and how you might use this more profitably in doing everything from creating wealth to enjoying leisure activities. 9. Notice how you can be financially smarter, making more by doing less.
Living a disciplined life

Without discipline, theres no life at all Katharine Hepburn I consider I live a reasonably disciplined life. That doesnt mean I constantly whip myself into action. Frequently I discipline myself to go for a walk, meditate, put my feet up and watch a movie, read a book, or write one. But I dont do anything without an awareness of what I am doing, and the need I have to do it. Of course, like anybody else I can get my life out of balance and have had to learn a number of times from making just that mistake. Conscious that my life span is finite, and also aware that I want to apply the kaizen principle to every sphere of my life, I am always looking at how to gain the most from every day. What fires me up the most? What do I want to achieve? How well am I caring for my body? Who do I want to spend time with today? I dont want
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to live a haphazard existence and then resent the course my life has taken when Im too old to do anything about altering the path my earlier choices have taken me down. I discipline my time by wasting none of it. Even when Im taking a break, Im aware of the need within me that Im meeting. So if I rest, I fully rest, doing my best to close down my thinking so as to rest my mind as well. I want to make the most of every day, especially spending time with people I love and whose company I enjoy. I make a point of connecting with my friends as regularly as possible because I value their friendships, even if this happens less often that I would like. I like exercising my body, so I have a walk, run or swim at least several times each week. I discipline my work, and spend a maximum of about fifteen hours a week seeing clients, which leaves me plenty of time to write, attend to my investments, and have time for relaxing during the work day. Bring enthusiasm and strong intention to each day. Determine to make life happen for you. This is self-discipline. On that note, suffice to say that I am very careful to make sure that I keep in touch with my tenants and make sure my properties are well maintained. I have organized a list of tradesmen I can call upon so that problems are dealt with ASAP. My tenants thus feel valued and important. I also discipline myself to pay these tradesmen ASAP, which of course encourages them to do further work for me in the future. I also ensure that I dont spend any more money than I make, because to do that is to court financial disaster. I keep up to date with my accounts and know exactly where my finances stand. I dont bury my head in the sand over my finances or any other part of my life.
As I get older, I notice my metabolism and digestion have both slowed down and so I can no longer eat what I once did. I am therefore careful to avoid sugars, fats, oils and too much carbohydrate because these, should I eat them, will affect my mood, my energy, and my weight. Therefore, I am not going to allow myself to make selfdestructive dietary choices, and I support this nutritional regime with regular exercise. It has taken me a while to learn, though, that a disciplined life is not a perfectionist one, nor is it one that demands hard work, nor does it entail being nice to everybody. For me, the disciplines I embrace must be held lightly, without any
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pressures, shoulds, musts, or habitual compulsions. To maintain balance, I endeavour to follow my passions, and avoid overdoing hard work or laborious grind. My self-disciplines must be activities I want to do, so I minimize those I feel I have to do. I must discipline myself to take time out, as much as I make time to achieve. It is all about balance. When I overwork, I get out of balance. When I spend too little time with my partner, my connection with her suffers, and calls me to bring that relationship back into balance by spending quality time together. Self-discipline, then, requires that I maintain the awareness to listen to myself, how Im feeling, and what my needs are, in order to address any unhelpful habits I might have slipped into. Create the ultimate freedom. Develop self-disciplines to the point where they become easy and routine. Becoming self-disciplined involves being proactive in life, rather than reactive. This is a new concept to most people who live their lives as though they are always reacting to circumstances beyond their control. As you will learn in the next chapter, the truth is that we are in charge of our life more than we realize, and can become even more so by being pro-active.
Strategies for increasing self-discipline

1. Notice if any suffering exists in your life, and ask yourself what lack of selfdiscipline could be helping to create this. Be very honest with yourself about which areas of your life lack the robust self discipline required for success. One of the most commonly missing elements in most peoples lives is the creation of thoughts of prosperity, success, love, peace, wisdom and harmony that would be energetically uplifting. Dont sit on your hands and drift through life. Dont be a sheep and bah, bah your way from birth to death as most people do. Take charge. Be determined to make what matters happen. 2. Notice how the basic self-disciplines of being reasonably clean, tidy, organized, on time, prepared, and well-planned remove stress from your life, and how overdoing any of these creates additional stress in your life. This is an important balance to get right. Be clean without being obsessive. Be organized without being a control freak. Be disciplined without living like an authoritarian headmaster, whipping yourself or others into action. 3. Reflect on how usefully you manage emotions, and how well you manage any thinking that can create unhelpful emotions. Notice any emotions you are not managing well, especially if they are undermining self-disciplines you want in your life. If you are reacting emotionally too often, then there are problems with either your thinking, conditioning, or both. Choices six, seven and ten may require your
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attention. Because we make choices based on emotions towards what feels best, and away from what doesnt it is important that we know how emotions work, and discipline them so as not to allow them to undermine what is best for us. For example, if you are fearful of applying for a new job, then fear may be stopping you from getting a life. Similarly, fear of being shamed may stop you approaching a prospective partner. 4. Notice any negative thinking you have about yourself and others, and once aware of it, discipline yourself to no longer entertain such thoughts that just upset you and lower the energy you have for life. Thinking poorly of yourself is a legacy of childhood, and so it is smart not to let it continue. Discipline yourself to appreciate your strengths, positive intentions, abilities, and so on. Choices eight, nine and especially eleven will be important for you to consider. 5. Observe ways in which you think about others, and, realizing that any negative thoughts will adversely affect your own feelings of well-being, determine to nip in the bud such unhelpful thoughts before they get up a head of steam. Spending energy thinking negatively about others is energetically wasteful, and one of the key characteristics that will stop you from walking the path of the Warrior or Winner. Learn to process these thoughts and realize that so long as you allow others to bother you, you are giving them your power. If only to prevent yourself from losing personal power, work out a way to live your life so that you wont waste thought energy. 6. Implement changes (even one will help) that will bring quality to the way you discipline your time, eating, work, leisure, thoughts, emotions, communications and finances. Remember the kaizen principle small changes made consistently add up to a massive life change. Set yourself goals of making changes however small in areas of your life that will have impact. Record your commitments to yourself in Must Do Activities in My Personal Planner.
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Exercise: The Discipline I Bring To My Life Here is a variation on the exercise you completed on responsibility. This isnt designed to see how good you are being. It is simply an exercise to help you prioritize areas in your life into which you want to bring more discipline. Area of responsibility Always Sometime Never s 1. I am disciplined about the health of my body good food, no drugs, no chemicals, lots of sleep, water, exercise, balanced lifestyle 2. I am disciplined about being financially independent budgeting, saving, investing, generating income 3 I am disciplined about using my mind in a healthy way optimistic, visionary, healthy stimulation, no worrying, no obsessing, no depressing, no ruminating, no hating 4 I am disciplined about managing my emotions in a healthy way owning, expressing, fully feeling all emotional states, controlling them if needed, listening to what they tell me 5 I am disciplined about the values and beliefs I hold all unhelpful ones removed, all consciously created by me, all based on needs, all adding to my happiness 6. I am disciplined about erecting or removing boundaries as appropriate no blame, no Drama Triangle, no owning of others problems, no giving others my problems, looking after my needs first, honouring self first 7. I take full responsibility for the quality of my relationships I communicate well, listen well, own my problems, prioritize feelings of self and others, understand dynamics involved 8. I am disciplined about developing a quality vocation & life purpose love what I do, planned career & life direction, career follows my passion, career helps me grow 9. I am disciplined about the quality of my spiritual life investigate purpose of my life, well connected with my inner self, tuned in to life/world, have a spirited, vital life 10. I am disciplined about the way in which I create
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my life plan my life purpose, consciously create the reality I want, accept my life is my creation Record in My Personal Planner the areas you would like to improve or refine the degree of discipline in your life.
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Chapter 9
Choice Four: Give up reacting; become proactive

Its not what happens to us, but our response to what happens to us that hurts us. Stephen Covey LAW OF PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY Winners take full responsibility for their energy, beliefs, emotions, needs, values, actions, life direction and life circumstances. When you allow others to dictate how you feel or what you do, you are reactive. When you take full personal responsibility for your life, you become proactive. You make your life happen, rather than react either to others or to your own past. Sadly, most people spend their entire life reacting to circumstances. We focus on outer reality as being more important than inner reality, and consequently allow external phenomena to dominate our lives. We do this by reacting to outer reality as if this was our only choice. When this happens, energies in our outer reality control us. Our life is then controlled by random phenomena. All reactive behaviour is essentially Victim behaviour. Whenever we choose to give up on problems, take the line of least resistance in order to avoid fully facing them, get emotional, ignore what is going on and bury our heads in the sand or run away from the issues we are reacting. When we moan about our problems but do nothing to resolve them, worry or ruminate endlessly, or simply shut down, withdraw or depress we are reacting. Your energy is entirely under your control but only when you determine it to be. Our patterns of reactivity are usually established in childhood. When someone said Jump! our natural tendency as a little person was to wonder not should I? but rather how high? or where can I run to? or if I ignore this will it go away? While we might now be in charge of much of our life, we can still react in very predictable ways perhaps more than we are aware of. Why do we continue to react? Because
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we are automatically following conditioned responses first learned in childhood, the only way forward is to first detect our reactive pattern. Unlike the rest of the animal kingdom, we are able to stand back and reflect on our behaviour, and decide if that is what we want to continue to do. Sadly, though, many people reflect very little on
their life, and so live a conditioned robotic existence much like that of an animal. As Stephen Covey puts it, Reactive people are driven by feelings, by circumstances, by conditions, by their environment. 1 Allowing yourself to be reactive to life is like allowing a robot to continue to act as it has always done robotically. Whereas reactivity breeds reactivity, awareness breeds choice, choice breeds power, power breeds pro-activity. It rarely occurs to most of us that we can strongly influence not only our response to outer reality, but outer reality itself. Those of us caught in this erroneous mindset mistakenly consider our inner world to be a tool for reacting to events, and too often interpret these as being out of our control. The truth is that we actually determine events that go on around us. Each of us is more powerful than we could ever imagine. We actually create the reality we experience (more about the dynamics behind this process later), and we can learn how to consciously determine events that occur in our outer reality. A simple example of reactivity is the way in which you respond to criticism. The average person reacts as if they are being attacked, or as if there is something to defend even if that is only ones honour! However, criticism almost always says more about the person giving it than the recipient. Personal criticism is a strategy used by someone to push their problems sideways so as to avoid having to look at what is being triggered within themselves. A person who has learned not to react knows that, and responds (rather than reacts) in a way that doesnt get caught in the drama the other person is trying to create. If it appears that circumstances are controlling your life then it may be time to consider other ways in which you can respond to those events.
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Stop reacting to life and become proactive
Reactivity means others have the power

Man lives in his inner consciousness, not out in the outer world. Frederick Bailes What did Frederick Bailes mean? How does this statement relate to taking charge of your life? The connection that I make, and that I suspect Bailes was wanting us to notice, is that when we allow our inner reality to react to outer events, we experience emotions and thoughts that "mirror" those events. In other words, we allow ourselves to be thrown around by, or uplifted by, external events. But what we dont notice and he did is that it is our inner reality reactions (or non-reactions), not outer reality, that we actually live. Whenever we re-act, something inside of us is always the cause. Consider for a moment the way in which we react to others, seek approval from others, and allow their moods and idiosyncratic ways to affect what we think and feel. If we are criticized and then react, our life events at that moment are being determined by someone elses behaviour in conjunction with our own conditioned response to those behaviours. Consider Deepak Chopras advice to relinquish your need for external approval. 2 Wouldnt it help if we were never bothered by what others thought of us, and always honoured our own viewpoint? Unfortunately, this is more easily said than done because of our conditioned robotic reactions. More than most people realize, if we get stuck with where our life is going, it is often because we are reliant, consciously or not, on the approval of others as to the way we are living and the choices we are making. We may not even recognize the anxiety we generate within ourselves in order to avoid rocking the boat. Those who rock the boat may fall overboard into the warm stream of self-direction.
Consider the following example of how outer reality keeps you programmed via this mirroring process. Imagine that you've been raised in a violent neighbourhood. Many of your experiences would perhaps have been in gangs, and you would have become
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very streetwise. Your inner reality would very likely involve aggressive thoughts and feelings, and so would mirror your outer environment. In this way, your life would be mirroring your childhood conditioning, unless you knew how to break out of that pattern. Breaking out of reactive patterns is made the more difficult because we are rarely able to step outside of ourselves and look objectively at how our life has been determined by our conditioning. To put it another way, we dont know what we dont know, we cant see what we cant see, and we cant change what we cant see needs changing. We have blind spots about how we perceive life. These prevent us from even knowing that we dont know. In the same way, watching violence on TV, pornographic videos, and violence within the home have all been shown to have an enduring effect on the minds (inner reality) of not only young people, but also of adults.3 You may have experienced this effect yourself. Having dreams about a movie you have seen shows just how much your consciousness has been affected by what your senses have just absorbed. Every minute of every day, we are being programmed and influenced by outer reality. And every minute of every day, we usually dont realize that this is happening. I am amazed that so many people listen to commercial radio stations every day. My own experience is that I find the speedy banter and the incessant and pointless advertising can affect my emotions and my thinking. In order not to be reactive, I need to either cut myself off from these effects or turn off the radio. The latter is easiest to do, and so that is one way in which I prevent noise influencing my mood. Be the architect of your moods and thoughts. Choose wisely what you expose your senses to.
Take charge of your inner reality

We do not know what we want and yet we are responsible for what we are - that is the fact. Jean-Paul Sartre Many people who complain about being criticized actually do the same thing themselves, either to themselves or others. What is happening in their inner reality is reflected by events in their outer reality. This is a further example of reactivity in action. What is going on within is influencing their behaviours, and the way they behave is influencing how others react, and the way others react is again influencing their inner reality. Nigel was an example of this chain reaction. He was constantly criticizing others, but this mirrored a process of internal criticism that he had adopted as a child from his very brutal father. Needless to say, Nigel attracted plenty of criticism from others, which frequently put him on the defensive, triggering vitriolic words towards
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his perceived attackers. However, these people were only returning his own medicine. Nigel could never quite see that the origins of his problems were not out there, but rather in here. The world we find challenging out there, often reflects a world that is challenging in here. This is how outer reality impinges on inner reality to the point where inner reality mirrors the outer realities we have experienced. If we watch stress, we can feel stress. Then if we are stressed, we perceive outer reality as stressful. If we watch aggression, we can feel aggressive. If we feel aggressive, we can perceive others as aggressive. If we watch love, we can more easily feel loving; and when we are feeling loving, the whole world seems to be lovable. But this is not what we want! We want it the other way around inner reality influencing the state of our outer reality. We want to be love inside, so that we see and attract love externally. Whats more, we want to be love on the inside, regardless of what is happening on the outside. For myself, if I can begin my day by meditating and establishing inner calm and connectedness to myself, I am better able to fend off external problems and conflict. I get most knocked around on days when Ive been too busy to be with myself, and to process emotions as theyve come up. It is easy to let events influence how you feel. Choose wisely the environments you expose yourself to. Most of us are totally unaware that we are creating our inner and outer realities purely by the way in which we react to our life circumstances. Once we become aware of how we create our own reality, we can then step out of it into a reality we would prefer to experience. If you cant do this, you cant take charge of your life. If youre not in charge of determining how you feel, then who is? Consider for a moment which aspects of your life you are truly in charge of, and which someone else is having too great an influence over. Often simple changes can give you more control over your life. Think of changes you could make to become even more in charge of your life. So get a life! Stop reacting. Start creating! Make all of your life proactive!
If you are not fully in charge of the details in your life, then who is?
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Take charge live proactively!

Even if youre on the right track, youll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers To develop your true potential you must stop reacting and start being proactive in order to create both your outer reality and inner reality experiences. Being proactive occurs on two levels: the way in which you make things happen for yourself through behavioural choices you make moment to moment, and secondly by the way in which you generate an energy that attracts the outer reality you want. As well see later, this energy is generated predominantly by your intentions. If you are not in charge of your life, then who are you allowing to be? Living proactively begins in the mind. Its an attitude. Its a determination to approach life constructively and purposefully so that no one including those who may once have doubted you or put you down will have any power over the rest of your life. To be able to work with what is in your mind, and with your emotional reactions to events, is to take control of your life. This is what Howard Gardner called intrapersonal intelligence, and what Edward de Bono claims is the way to develop constructive thinking styles that will work better for you than some of the reactive ones you may have developed in childhood.4 To use a simple example, imagine that you want a new job. After deciding on the job you want, and then by going door knocking or writing to employers, you would be making things happen. Here you would be proactively creating opportunities for change. Another method is one that is rarely used consciously by anyone: generating an energy of desire, intention and appreciation that you already have the job you require. This makes use of the fact that we attract to ourselves a reality which matches the energy we create from within. We create our reality by the fruits of our actions and by the fruits of our energy. Begin now to develop the intention that you will take response-ability to create the life you want. Make it happen for you, without resorting to being controlling. Your behaviour then becomes an outcome of your own decision-making, not a haphazard process you feel you have no control over. This will only work for you, of course, if your decisions are based on clearly thought-out values and beliefs rather than based on childhood conditioning and demands made by others.
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For example, I will not watch violent movies, read garbage literature or listen to gossipers. These affect my consciousness, and my mood. I read books on personal growth, spiritual development or novels that are uplifting. I will not go to parties unless I will meet uplifting people there. I proactively choose experiences, environments and friends whose energy I find supportive and uplifting. Many years ago, I decided to stop seeing those people whose energies were hard work, and left work environments that I found either stressful or lacking in positive creativity. Challenge yourself to consciously create the friends, environments and work that are best for you.
Step out of your comfort zone

I tore myself away from the safe comfort of certainties through my love for the truth; and truth rewarded me. Simone de Beauvoir Proactively changing your life may push you to the edge of your comfort zone. It is not easy to drop old friends, give up your preferred watering hole, or change jobs. I made these changes over a period of time rather than all at once, but when I looked at those experiences in my life that were serving me and those that were not, the decision to change was easy. I sought what felt more enjoyable, and walked away from those experiences that were not. By changing your language, you can make a conscious effort to empower yourself in your day-to-day interactions with others. People who use expressions like "I can't....; I have to..., I should...; I ought to..., Ill try, If only., He makes me feel are still responding to early programming of their bio-computer, and are not taking here-and-now, pro-active, responsibility for their lives. You might want to note when you use any of these expressions, or when you feel the matching emotions of guilt or anxiety. It will then be a good time to adopt phrases like I will ., My preference is, Im determined to, It is my choice to., The action Im taking is. Your language will alert you to whether you are thinking like a Winner or not. Be alert to what you say.
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Many of us have for years enjoyed yes, enjoyed blaming others or circumstances for what has happened to us. Many of us were conditioned as children to believe that life happens to you" rather than life is created by you". Operating out of this belief system, it seems as though we have no control over life's vicissitudes; making it seem sensible to blame others for what happens to us. It is now time to wake up and realize that our view of outer reality is determined by the way we use the filters of our senses, beliefs and interpretations. These filters tell us what is happening out there, and in here, but often do so inaccurately because our programming means that we only see, hear and feet what we have been programmed to see, hear and feel. However, we can change this when we can detect that our perspectives are distorted, and often disempowering.
The past is gone forever, if we will let it go and we must if our Now is to be a more enjoyable experience than our Yesterday. Much of what follows in this book is to encourage you to proactively make changes in the way you perceive life especially yourself so that you can move on from trauma or limiting perspectives developed in your past. Letting go of the past is a conscious choice. Today is the first day of the rest of your consciously created life.
The world mirrors your inner reality

We dont see things as they are. We see them as we are. Anais Nin When we look out at the world, we see reflected to us the state of our own mind. Our experience of life changes even just by opening to this awareness. In order to break the chains of our own perception, we must first become aware that we are bound. An example of being bound in this way happens to people who see violence everywhere. They are worried about being the next victim. It is a reflection of a process going on in them. Others see violence as people unable to come to terms with their own hate for themselves, and feel only compassion. I love the story of Victor Frankl, the Jew who was imprisoned by the Nazis in one of their concentration camps during the Second World War. His parents, brother and wife had all died either due to the hardships in these camps, or by being gassed by the Nazis. Only his sister survived. He suffered both torture and indignity
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himself, but survived in large part because of how he managed his thinking. On one occasion, he was in a small room, stripped of his clothes and all his possessions, but not his dignity. He realized that the Nazis could not take away what he later called the last of the human freedoms, his identity and his ability to choose what he thought. Frankl had the ability to stand back and look at himself, and then proactively make a choice. He was able to use his mind to generate hope. Frankl planned what he would do when the war came to an end, such as lecturing young people about his wartime experiences. He constantly visualized a better life, one which had meaning and purpose. He thus developed an inner mental and emotional life that embodied principles and values that were dear to him. As he developed this skill, he could see that he had a greater freedom than his Nazi captors, because although they may have had freedom in the outer world, he had freedom in his inner reality. His captors, by contrast, were prisoners of the Third Reich in the way they were obliged to think and act.5 Real freedom begins from within. It is a state of mind. There are many ways in which we can be seduced into being reactive and overlook the worth of being pro-active. In our relationships, it is easy to wait for something to happen rather than work to make the relationship the way we want it to be. In business, waiting for customers to appear is not the way to ensure success; we must ensure customers are drawn towards our product. Similarly, if we want to fill our lives with happiness, there is no point in waiting for it to happen. We must take the initiative and ensure that what excites us is drawn into our lives. Reactive people put up with life. Proactive people create their life. Whenever we are feeling powerless, we are needing to be proactive. Those feelings of being down, frustrated, anxious, worried, or fearful are sure signs that something needs to be done. It is a feature of a powerless existence that it feels as though nothing can be done. We must examine any negative feelings very closely to see how we stop ourselves from being fully in charge of our lives, from being pro-active, and from being happy and empowered. Once we have committed to being proactive in our lives, we are beginning the process of becoming powerful. One of the first steps in this direction is to review any unhelpful thinking we habitually get caught in, and make some changes. It is time for us to review the way in which we are thinking about ourselves and the world, and the attitudes, beliefs and values we might have adopted earlier in life and evaluate how well these are still working for us. Proactive people are powerful always, in all ways.
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Strategies for being proactive and not reactive

1. Notice when your moods and actions are largely determined by the choices and actions of others. Ask yourself at these times, What do I choose to do, despite what others say or want? Rather than allow your emotional or mental state to be dominated by circumstances, change the people you are with, how you perceive the situation, or how you are letting your mind make a mountain out of a molehill. Sometimes using pleasant music, a walk on the beach, meditation, a chat with a friend, or reading an uplifting book will help you restore your equilibrium, and give time for you to consider how to be proactive again. 2. Become aware of when your buttons get pushed, and know that this is always, in all ways, about you. Reacting to life has its origins in childhood, and the only way to deal to it is to understand what triggers you and how. Then, proactively heal the childhood wounds that cause you to react. You do this by learning to love yourself, and supporting whichever part of you reacts emotionally. By learning what the needs are of the part of you that is reacting, you can meet those needs yourself. When I noticed that I reacted when not valued, I had to learn to value myself. When I noticed I was reacting when not appreciated, it was up to me to do this not others. When I reacted if feeling controlled, I listened to that part of me that wanted me to take full control of situations I faced. 3. Consider whether or not you are pro-active in your friendships and relationships. If you want them to be good, you must choose to bring Winners into your life, and you must choose options which will continue to improve the quality of those relationships. Sadly, it is rare for people to consciously choose who they do associate with, and to consciously choose not to spend time with people who bring them down. Your life is short. Spending time with losers is self-sabotage. Also self-destructive is remaining in a relationship that is ridden with conflict, when getting help from a wise individual trained in couples work could enable you to learn how to improve your relationship, or see the benefit of moving on to a healthier way of life. Above all, dont do nothing. Proactively ensure your relationships are constantly getting better. 4. While reviewing your relationships, consider whether or not you and your partner or friends are actively seeking personal growth. Most people do not actively seek insight into how to improve their quality of life. Dont be one of these. Seek ways to
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know who you are, be who you are, and become empowered to live the life that you would find exciting and fulfilling. Dont tolerate mediocrity in your life. Make life happen. Mix with those who also seek to improve their relationships, health, wealth, careers, personal development and so on. When you do this, you and they will create a momentum that can take each of you to greater heights. 5. Notice how your mental state is a reflection of your life, and which thoughts you want to weed out, and which you want to promote. If you get fearful, your life will be full of fear. If you get angry, you will find many opportunities to be angry. Become proactive by improving your daily diet of thoughts. Come to understand and then weed out the repetitive pessimism, doubts, worries, obsessions, and doomy gloomy thoughts. If allowed to, these will become permanent mental fixtures. By noticing the nature of these thoughts, understanding why they are demanding your attention, and then refusing to entertain them, you will clear your head and stay mentally healthy. Also set a time when you only allow positive and productive thoughts to be present, such as when planning the reality you want to bring in to your life. 6. Consider whether you plan your life in order to then make it happen, or whether it is rather a series of spontaneous and random events. Commit to setting goals and intentions that will work well for you. This requires some planning, and time to become fully aware of what you are really wanting from your life. Take yourself away somewhere and brainstorm what you are wanting in every corner of your life. Do this often, and youll be surprised at what you discover. Listen to yourself. Discover what you are wanting. Plan ways to make it happen. Seek support to make it happen. Avoid a mediocre existence at all costs. Record your commitments to yourself in My Personal Planner. Personal Reflection: Reflect on areas in your life where you make things happen. Reflect on areas in your life that you let things happen. Reflect on areas in your life where despite some efforts on your part, you feel that things are done to you, not by you. Reflect on changes you could make, if you were prepared to go out of your comfort zone to make them happen. If you dont make those changes, or put energies in motion to effect change, will you be happy to surrender to the status quo? Develop a strong intention that the changes you want will happen, and a determination to do what it takes, even if you are unsure for now what indeed it will take. Once again, record any changes of choice or intention you want to bring into your day-to-day activities.
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You are creating your reality moment by moment whether or not you are aware of it, and whether you create it consciously or unconsciously. When you are proactive, you create the life you want. When you are reactive, you create the life others have designed for you. Our next step, then, is to consider how you are using your mind.
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Chapter 10
Choice Five: Develop mental balance and intelligence

The way you see the problem IS the problem. Stephen Covey LAW OF MENTAL FUNCTIONING: Thoughts are energy and therefore have power LAW OF PERCEPTION: What we choose to focus on, and the meaning we give to that perception, determines what we think about, how we feel, and thus our experience of inner and outer realities. LAW OF IDENTITY CREATION: We create the energy of self through self-beliefs, self-talk and the way we believe others see us. We then believe and act from this identity. If you want to lose energy and power, just misuse your mind. Just notice how unskilled use of the mind, and the way in which we perceive problems, leads to anxiety disorders, depression, stress, relationship breakdown, illness and aging. It also causes loss of sleep, mood swings, irritability, a short fuse and becomes a liability in relationships. Our thoughts have the power to ruin or rejuvenate our lives, to kill or to heal. Misuse of the mind is a global epidemic. Your mind can be a liability or a source of great strength. There is very little in our lives that remains unaffected by the unskilled use of the mind. Edward de Bono has probably written more about the use of the mind than anyone else. Certainly he is a highly respected commentator on the topic. In a little book he wrote to help parents teach their children helpful thinking skills, he commented I would say that about 85 percent of ordinary thinking is a matter of perception. Most of the faults of thinking are faults of perception and not faults of logic. Both logic and perception are important in the sense that both the engine and
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wheels of a car are important. If I were forced to choose between the two I would have to choose perception. 1 The key problem that we all face is the way in which we perceive reality. Our view of life changes whenever we alter our perceptual position in regards to those situations that arise every day. When we change our perspective, or when we broaden it, our understandings and ultimately our beliefs, change. Not only that, but our experience of life and of our self also alters. Focus determines perceptual choice. Perception determines thought. Thought determines meaning. Meaning determines emotion. Emotion determines happiness. Thus, what we choose to focus on, and the meaning we give to that perception, determines what we think about, how we feel, and indeed our experience of inner and outer realities. If we can appreciate that beliefs we have about ourselves determine what we perceive as creating enjoyment, our life purpose, who we want to be with, the career we are focusing on and the possibilities of who we could be, then we will be empowered to make improvements, and consider viewing our lives from alternative perspectives. For example, if you have an underlying belief Im not good enough, what chance is there that you will apply for a high flying job, ask someone out for a date, or stand up at a meeting and make your point? Notice what you believe about yourself. If your beliefs are negative, and in a court of law would be unprovable by the prosecution, then you're dealing with a rogue implant. Let it go.
Our belief systems, and life habits that result from them, have often been formed from limited information and distorted perceptions acquired in childhood. At that time we had limited ability to appreciate the larger world or to make choices helpful to our adult lives. Because we have been exposed to very specific perspectives as to what reality is all about, we may not have chosen useful views of life or of ourselves. We can, for example, choose to substitute a problem-dominated perspective of life with one that states Im in charge. It is possible to develop beliefs and mindsets which demand that life will be easy, enjoyable, full of love and joy, and supported by others, and to then have these beliefs create the reality you are wanting. Winners those who are successful and empowered choose to develop such perspectives.
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Develop mental balance and intelligence
Believe that life can be easy and fun. Those who do would recommend it.
Distorted perspectives are commonplace

Reality doesn't bite, rather our perception of reality bites. Anthony J. DAngelo It isn't the way the world is that determines our experience of it, but rather our interpretation of it. If our interpretations are unhelpful or inaccurate, this will influence the quality of our life experiences.2 Consider for a moment someone who believes that they must be in control of those around them in order to be happy. Many, many people have this belief, but dont know it. How will such a belief manifest? Perhaps by being bossy, by trying to do everything and getting stressed, perhaps by having to achieve and be the best, or perhaps by being a Persecutor and leaving a trail of catastrophic relationships. Insisting that others believe our viewpoint is a reflection of insecurity and fear felt when others dont perceive the world as we do. For example, dictators like Saddam Hussein, the rulers of Communist countries who held power through control or eccentric religious leaders who crush or kill those who have a different perspective are too insecure to allow others to think or behave differently. As William Glasser so eloquently writes, if everyone could learn that what is right for me does not make it right for anyone else, the world would be a better place.3 This my thinking is right perspective is found amongst the general populace during ethnic or religious debacles such as those between Muslims and Christians in the former Yugoslavia, between Catholics and Protestants in Northern Ireland, or between those on opposing sides in the Middle East. Distorted perspectives chain people to distorted lives.
Religious or political fanatics will coerce people to change their beliefs and perceptions in order to have more control of the masses. Such coercion is usually superficial, because changing beliefs by manipulation or aggression rarely succeeds. As one writer has noted, the door that opens to change can only be opened from the inside. The only minds that are affected by such forceful tactics are those who are the most impressionable the young, the doubters, the insecure, the gullible and those with an uncertain sense of self.
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These national conflicts are just a larger example of the conflicts that occur in most heads in most homes, where couples may disagree about issues such as tidiness, chores, who does the most, who does the least, or who should spend time with who. Just why we are so insecure as to need everyone else to think and act as we do has to be one of the most bizarre insanities afflicting humankind. Yet many of us try repeatedly to get others to adopt our perspective, as if their agreement will somehow validate us, validate the truth, or immeasurably enhance the world or our sense of self. View with scepticism any beliefs you have about truth, or what is labelled right or wrong.
The way we view the problem is the problem

It is the way we react to circumstances that determines our feelings. Dale Carnegie In general, the way we choose to perceive reality creates not only our emotional state, but also the sort of person we are. Sadly, though, most people never question their perceptual choices. Therefore they never get to know that they could have changed their outlook and could thus have lived a happier and healthier existence. Alfred Adler observed that We do not suffer the shock of our experiences the socalled trauma but we make of them just what suits our purposes. We are selfdetermined by the meaning we give to our experiencesMeanings are not determined by situations, but we determine ourselves by the meanings we give to situations.4 Perhaps it would do us good to reflect carefully on just what meanings we give to our experiences, and how we shape ourselves, and perhaps try to shape others, by the focus we choose to take towards whats in here, or whats out there. We think reality is a fixed fact. In truth, reality is what we choose it to be. I recall working with a number of teenage girls who had suffered sexual abuse, usually at the hands of those they had trusted. The abuse they had received had been bad enough, but it was the perspective they now had of themselves that was the real problem. Thinking of themselves as dirty, bad, shameful or inferior was rarely the result of being told this, but usually from choosing to see themselves in this way in the context of values the society they grew up in espoused, and also due to selfjudgment they had taken on. Negative self-perception is the most lethal form of negative perspective there is because it strikes at the very heart of how we function. If you want to ruin a persons life, just convince them that they are worthless, undeserving or bad.
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Do you choose what your mind focuses on or is your head space just a reaction to events? Over time, distorted perceptions lead to distorted logic, distorted beliefs, distorted values and distorted mindsets. To some degree or another, we all suffer from these. Why else would we work ourselves to death, look after others at the expense of ourselves, get bothered when the bed isnt made, get nervous about whether we will keep our job of many years, and feel aggrieved by someone elses behaviour when in fact it simply demonstrates that they are struggling to cope. The fact is our perceptions dont give our mind a chance to be logical. The garbage in, garbage out principle applies to much of our mental activity. Personal Reflection: Reflect a moment on the emotions you most experience. Are these hurt, resentment, sadness, anger, anxiety, excitement, love what? If you remain observant, you will notice that certain emotions dominate your life. Once you have detected what these are, then become aware of the perspectives that are generating those emotions. You will have then detected the way you are sometimes choosing to perceive your outer reality, and perhaps how you are perceiving yourself. Reflect for a moment on a belief that is important to you, be this about self, religion, politics or anything else. If you had to prove, in a court of law, that your belief was truth, could you do so? How truthful would your belief be shown to be if you had your best friends arguing that you were OK and acceptable just as you are?
We have power over our minds if we choose

If your thoughts bother you, try losing your mind for a change. Jeff Saunders Gautama the Buddha is reported to have claimed that Life is Suffering. However, keen to be practical and give his followers the skills to transcend that suffering, he taught the Four Noble Truths. Broadly, these four truths are:
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1.Suffering is a part of the human condition, because it is a part of reality. 2. The cause of suffering is having to have this but not that, the desire to escape uncertainty or discomfort, or other unwise thinking. 3. Release from suffering involves the cessation of desire, of the minds constant focus on having more, or having less, fearing this, or hating that. 4. Elimination of desire is achieved by following the Noble Eightfold Path. This path encourages the middle way, with the downgrading of desire to an acceptance of what is, and an acceptance of a little bit of this, and a little bit of that. In particular, it requires giving up cravings and aversions, the must have this and must not have that, and fixed mindsets about good and bad, right and wrong.
We are in control of our bodies and our minds if we choose to be. We can't blame anyone else for what we choose to allow the mind to focus on. When thoughts arise, we have the option of leaving them there, removing them, or replacing them with others. Most of us were trained in the blame someone else model, or even the I cant get that thought out of my mind model. Usually, a mindset that seems to have a mind of its own and is difficult to shake is being kept in place by associated emotions. If we react nervously when we are in a crowd, for instance, that emotion may immediately trigger unhelpful, and habitual, mindsets. Be aware, though, that thoughts we repeat over and over, and the emotions that drive them, can be stopped. Only when the mind is extremely stressed will it generate irrational thoughts that seem out of control. At its most extreme, this is a state called psychosis. The truth is, though, we can all be a bit this way if we allow our mind to run our life.5 If unhelpful thoughts are besetting you, change your mind and keep the change.
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If you are at all aware of the effect of your thoughts, you will be aware that negative thinking has the capacity to generate negative emotions. The electromagnetic energy of thought is believed to be the causal agent of emotional disturbance. 6 Recent research has show that this is indeed true. We know, for example, that high blood pressure can be caused simply by thinking stressfully, and that if left untreated it can cut your life short by twenty years. If you have hypertension (high blood pressure), you are at twice the risk of dying in the next year, at three times the risk of dying of a heart attack, at four times the risk of having heart failure, and seven times the risk of having a stroke.7 Does that convince you that what you think matters? But theres more. We now know that whenever we have a particular thought, amino acids called neuropeptides communicate to the cells the message generated by the thought. We experience this movement of molecules throughout our body as emotion, energy-in-motion. Specifically, chemical energy in motion. Negative or stressful thoughts are translated into chemical processes, whereby cells throughout our body are bombarded with these messenger molecules.8 Candace Pert, a neuroscientist who has researched the chemical interaction between mind and body, has demonstrated that what we think leaves a chemical residue in cells throughout our body. If we think toxically, our cells finish up wearing the toxicity. Even if we dont die of high blood pressure, there are many other harmful effects we can inflict on our bodies by choosing to allow ourselves to think in negative and unhelpful ways. When you indulge in toxic thoughts, your body will be forced to keep the score. Your mind wont thank you for it either.
Mental anguish is unnecessary

Great minds are made. Jeff Saunders To continue to think negatively, therefore, is an indulgence that takes its toll. Deep meditative observation in the Buddhist tradition has shown that the basic nature of mind is not predisposed towards either negative thinking or emotion. In other words, to think negatively, or to experience the destructive emotions that unhelpful thinking generates, is not a condition we are afflicted with and just have to cope with. We have a choice. The choice we make will be largely determined by mental habits we choose to slip into, habits that with practice can be changed.9 Winners make a conscious choice to use thoughts that are empowering to their health and way of life. All negative perspectives and beliefs are chosen. Practicing positive thinking will change that habit.
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When I am working with depressed or anxious clients, the first thing I do is help them become aware of their styles of negative thinking, and encourage them to take steps to change those unhelpful habits. When our minds are producing thoughts that are unpleasant or unhelpful to us, it is because we have slipped into a perception of reality that no longer serves us. As we noted earlier, faults of thinking are mostly faults of perception.10
It is our ability to replace our thoughts with those we choose that gives us power over our lives. We can control and create our inner reality simply by cultivating our mind with sights, sounds and physical experiences which nurture a healthy, loving, and focused mind. While such control may seem a distant dream right now, with the right skills you may be surprised what you can accomplish. Negative thoughts are like weeds in the garden of the mind. Weed them out. Negative thoughts have as much power as we give them. They hugely affect our mental health, our perceptions of outer reality, the way we experience ourselves, and our relationships. The most damaging negative thought patterns are those in which we negatively self-talk about ourselves. Worry and doubt, especially self-doubt, are also very powerful forces which can negatively impact on our lives. Negative thinking is an old habitual pattern which can, indeed must, be weeded out for happiness and empowerment to be possible. Cultivate positive thoughts. Make your mind a garden of beauty and health that you will enjoy walking through. This will require that you monitor what you expose your mind to. Remember the GIGO principle that determines the worth of a computers functioning - Garbage In, Garbage Out. The same is true for the bio-computer of the body-mind system. If you watch rubbish movies, your mind will recall memories of that rubbish. If you read uplifting books, your mind will recall what you have read. If you mix with inspiring and positive people, your mood will be elevated. Choose to learn positive ways of looking at the world, yourself, and others. Be choosy about who you spend time with, what you do for leisure, and therefore what you allow your mind to focus on. The thoughts we insert don't have to be based on what we perceive as 'real' or 'logical', because our already illogical view of self and the world has up until now been responsible for determining what we perceive is 'real' and 'rational'. Our mind has a very limited perspective on what is possible, especially in regard to who we
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are, who we could be, and what we could have. Most of us don't very often pay much attention to these matters anyway. By being proactive, we can insert positive thoughts of success, love, inner peace, health, prosperity and so on. We have the power to choose to amplify, dismiss or introduce any thought.
I dont encourage you to ignore those times when you are feeling upset, nervous, hurt or whatever in favour of pushing positive thinking onto yourself. This isnt being real about what is going on for you. Most of the time, we are experiencing relatively neutral emotions, and are not plagued by negative thoughts. At these times, it is useful to choose practicing perspectives and activities that will be uplifting. The key is what you choose and what you intend for your life. Negative emotions and thoughts are best observed non-judgmentally, because when given that attention they will be less likely to persistently tap on your shoulder. They are like little kids who persistently pull at their mothers skirt or mantrically repeat their question until listened to. Just as noticing them quells their demand, so too simply being witness to negative thoughts and associated emotion will help them abate. By choosing thoughts and experiences that uplift your life you will train your mind in ways that uplift you emotionally. A major disadvantage to negative thinking is that negative mindsets generate negative emotions. So the way to avoid feeling bad is to dismiss any thoughts that generate such feelings. Firstly, though, understand why you choose such thoughts, and resolve the fears, worries, resentments, hurts etc. that are fuelling them.
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Personal Reflection: Take notice of what is happening in your mind, and any changes you want to make to what is happening there. What negative thinking do you want to bring to an end? What positive thinking, and positive intending, do you want to insert instead? Bring strong and determined intention to changes you want. But be sure you are really serious about wanting them.
Notice any dramas in your head

Castles in the air cost a vast deal to keep up. Baron Lytton The most important thoughts to clean up and weed out are those you have about yourself. For most people, these are also amongst the most toxic thoughts they have. Early training in the culture of minimizing the self, so prevalent in most families, schools and religious institutions, has ensured that very few people have the arrogance or selfishness to think well of themselves. We create the energy of self through self-beliefs, self talk and the way we believe others see us. We then act to preserve this sense of self. The most common negatives are thoughts about self, thoughts about others, or thoughts based on fear, worry, guilt or shame which aims to control you, others or their reaction to you. In other words, most of our unhelpful thinking relates to concerns we have that our life will be OK. The first step towards mastery of the mind, is to become an observer of what it does. To bring a balanced, unemotional observation to the imbalanced mind is the way to escape this destructive pattern of thought.11 Here are some questions you can ask yourself as you observe your mind doing its thing. Answering these will enable you to understand your mind, and once it is listened to, it will feel assured and is more likely to settle down. Those questions are: Why do I choose to think or view things this way? What is the gain from worrying, fearing, and thinking Control Drama Triangle thoughts frequently? What is my mind trying to protect me from, or prepare me for? What is my minds concern regarding what will happen if it stops this incessant negativity? When I havent thought negatively, have I put myself at any risk? What will happen if I banish all negative thoughts as soon as they arise?
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As you observe your mind, You may notice it has some mindless habits. Observe. Observe. Observe. Never stop observing. Your mind cannot think negatively while another part of you is watching the thinking process.12 Because negative thinking is so damaging to our mental, emotional and physical health, a great deal of my professional work involves helping people whose misuse of their minds sends them into depression, anxiety disorders, and so on. I can recall that when Gwyneth first came to me, she was anxious about almost everything, and smoked like a chimney. It took her six months to notice the most toxic aspects of her thinking. She had never noticed them before, and she took some convincing that her perspective and beliefs were creating her negative emotional experiences. It took her much longer to let go and just observe because she had held on to life grimly since she was a child. She continued to be plagued by childhood trauma, at which time she had learned to be anxious as a way of coping and preparing for the worst. Like many people with anxious thinking, it was a challenge to surrender such a reliable old friend and habit. As with many anxious people, the nervous lifestyle had led to a thin body and a hesitant outlook on life. Gwyneth had learned to contract her energies and hide from the world, exacerbating her problem and leaving her life boring and totally unproductive. Few minds are enjoyable. Empty ones are the most relaxed and pleasurable. Tiredness, self-doubt and apathy are common for people who think poorly of themselves and have carved out a lifestyle to match. Gwyneth, to her credit, was determined to improve her lot, but for over a year, anxiety held her in its grasp. Like so many of my clients, she managed one day to let go, probably for the first time since childhood. And as with many, this watershed gave her insight into what was possible, and the sort of life she could lead if she could stay open and trusting of life, and not always worry about every little thing. She continued to let go of distrust small steps at a time, and it was a further year before her life took on any semblance of pleasure and contentment. Her biggest challenge was to adjust to moments without fear. So familiar was she with anxiety that she felt alone and nervous without it.
Because all negative thinking has such a big cost on mental, emotional and physical health, it is worth being determined to develop a relaxed and restful mind, trusting that you will successfully deal with whatever crisis may come your way.
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Personal Reflection: What is going on in your mind right now? Is what is going on helping you, or is it causing an unnecessary problem for you? The next chapter discusses common negative thinking styles. What aspects of your thinking style do you predict will be described there? How might you imagine you could improve your mental management? Negative thinking grinds us into an emotional and energetic wreck and robs us of power we have freely chosen to give away.
Transform patterns of mental anguish

We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same. The trick is in what one emphasizes. Carlos Castaneda There are a number of typical, even though disastrous, ways in which we think negatively. I invite you to detect any such patterns that you entertain from time to time, so that you can take the suggested steps to delete these habits from your mind. First, identify your thinking style, and then take steps to manage it. This section is only meant as a guide for you to detect any unhelpful thinking habits, and does not supply sufficient information to cure you if these habits have reached an advanced stage. If you recognize any of the patterns Im about to describe, then please seek professional support. My reason for discussing them here is that if you have even a vestige of these thinking styles, it would be well worth removing them from your life. They are all based on fear and as the Dalai Lama notes when discussing the cause of all human misery, sufferings arise because one has been unable to tame the mind. 13 These unhelpful thinking styles are: 1. Ruminating 2. Catastrophizing the past while minimizing the present 3. Catastrophizing the future while minimizing the present 4. Worrying about the unknown or the unknowable 5. Grasping for desires 6. Obsessing 7. Delusory thinking 8. Blaming and beating up self or others Your quality of life is a reflection of what youve chosen to bear in mind.
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1. Ruminating
The art of resting the mind and the power of dismissing from it all care and worry is probably one of the secrets of energy in our great men. J.A. Hadfield Ruminating is an internal, self-talk version of talking about a topic with someone else without ever reaching resolution.14 It is repetitive, usually negative, and energy sapping. It is the equivalent of having a boring conversation with someone knowing that the conversation is going nowhere. If I get caught in the rumination trap, it is usually about problems that either Im unsure how to resolve, or about which Im missing some information. Sometimes I ruminate about a project currently on the go, and I will have to consciously give myself a break from thinking about it. At times I might also ruminate about a situation Im angry about, and I know that this tells me to act in such a way as to empower myself, or let it go as not being worth my bother. Ive noticed many clients ruminate over how angry they are with a former partner in an attempt to bring clarity about what happened why they did what they did, why the partner behaved as s/he did, what went wrong, how they missed crucial insights about their partner, and so on. Our minds love to understand things, so will often ruminate until theyve got it sorted. Women in general ruminate more than men, and are twice as likely to think themselves into a depression.15 Men are more likely to act rather than reflect, but women will reflect not only on life in general, but also on how bad they are feeling. Once youve generated both negative thoughts and emotions, it can be challenging to stop the roll you are on. You ruminate in order to make sense of things. Usually, you just get more of the same old, same old. Very soon, you arrive at nowhere different. If you are a ruminator, it is important to learn how to look at life positively, make clear decisions, support yourself with whatever decision you make, and solve problems earlier rather than later perhaps by talking them over with others. If you keep yourself awake by ruminating, write your concerns down on paper, and commit to speaking to someone about them in the morning.16
2. Catastrophizing the past

Worry a little bit every day and in a lifetime you will lose a couple of years. If something is wrong, fix it if you can. But train yourself not to worry. Worry never fixes anything. Mary Hemingway This one-person masochistic mission is a recipe for hell. Totally self-inflicted, it involves going over the past, convincing yourself you were awful, it was awful, they
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were awful or the outcome was awful. This perspective assumes that you have no power to act now, in the present, to ensure that the lessons of the past are not repeated. It is even more wearying doing the worrying inside your own head, rather than chatting about your concerns with another person, where at least you might win some sympathy, or get your concerns off your chest.17 Being regretful, resentful, hurt, upset, embittered, despairing or angry, or feeling helpless or hopeless, or grieving for what might have been, are all disempowered perspectives we dont have to indulge in. Whenever we slip into Victim emotions, it is tempting to stay there, going on about how bad someone or something else was. Our challenge is to determine how to empower ourselves so that we rise above the situation. The past is only a problem when we think about it. Catastrophizing requires two attributes to work. You have to believe that your life is now permanently disabled these problems will last forever; and that the problems are pervasive they will ruin every component of your life, bar none. (You may not, of course, be consciously thinking this). You also have to believe that nothing can be done about the impact of the past on your future.18 Once you can alter your perspective and see that you are choosing to make yourself miserable simply because the past was not pleasant, and that the past does not determine your future options, you can make new, perhaps more functional, choices. I can remember times in the past when things didnt go well I missed out on a job, a relationship broke up, I was assaulted, a friend died Im sure youve also had events such as these happen to you. Worriers imagine that these terrible events will be repeated, and that life will never get fundamentally better again. 19 Optimists, however, know that they are brief setbacks, and wont ruin their lives.
Worrying about the past indicates a belief that you have no options or abilities to create a better future. Raewyn was somewhat unique. She could catastrophize about every decision she had made in her life, and give a reason why her life would never be the same again because of them. Raewyn had little trust in her ability to ever make better judgments, or to re-create the good times she had not grabbed onto in the past. Basically, the past
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was a series of disasters, and she would never get an opportunity to rise above them. Raewyn had a belief that life was tough, there were few breaks, and that she was powerless ever to make good a life that had been full of disasters. Even when she met men she liked, she compared them to the past relationships which were better, but which she had sabotaged. Of course, she was doing the same again, but became more concerned rather than empowered if this pattern was pointed out to her. Raewyn was one of the few people I consider I never managed to help. She held firmly on to her perspective and never let it go. She was a good example of how powerful perspectives and the beliefs they spawn can be. Overdo mental analysis and youre bound to get mental paralysis.
3. Catastrophizing the future

When you look at yourself from a universal standpoint, something inside always reminds or informs you that there are bigger and better things to worry about. Albert Einstein An alternative doom and gloom perspective, is to view the future as an inevitable disaster, given that the past was. This pattern of worry reasons that if you are concerned enough about the future, youll be ready for it. Fore-warned is fore-armed, and so fore-thought should also mean fore-armed.20 This kind of worrying is the madness we get involved in when we try to predict the future, without any evidence, and then believe our own minds imagination. It can generate what feels like a speedy mind, but this is simply evidence that youve been too much in your head for too long. Here are some useful questions you can ask yourself if this is your style of thinking, in the hope that asking these will push your mind out of its defective perspective and onto some sensible track. Similar questions are just as relevant for people who have the previously described pattern of worrying also. How useful has worrying been for me in the past? How necessary or helpful was it to worry about those worst possible outcomes? How accurately does my worry predict future events? How much better off am I as a result of worrying? How often do I unnecessarily sweat the small stuff? Can I recall what seemed to be important to worry about yesterday, last week or last year?
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Can I provide one example of a situation I had to cope with where worrying (as opposed to planning) prior to that event proved to be helpful?
Notice the nonsense. Accept that its nonsense. Intend for the nonsense to drop away. The answers to these questions highlight the madness behind this totally illogical thinking process. If you have a problem, here are your choices: Solve it now and then move on. Trust that you will implement your solution resourcefully. If you cant solve it now, wait until you can without going over and over the matter in your mind meantime. Wait till you have more information. Distract yourself from the worrying thoughts, or simply observe them, until you have the information you require. Trust that you will seek and get any relevant information, and will then do a) above. When a trauma has created a memory you seem unable to escape from, find a therapist who is able to desensitize you from it, such as is possible with Neuro- linguistic Programming (NLP) psychotherapy. Notice the thoughts. Notice theyre not needed. Choose an alternative thought. The key to challenging worry is to question the perspective that your problem is permanent, such as Ive made a disastrous mistake, and I always make terrible mistakes. Also challenge beliefs which suggest that your problems are out of your control, but under the control of others - the powerless perspective, such as When they find out what I did, Ill be embarrassed and never asked back again. Also look for beliefs that make you look inferior, where you personalize the situation and convince yourself that its all about you. I hate the way Im unable to say what I think. People must think Im stupid. This sort of thinking promotes a mindset that the future will be disastrous because of something you cant control (such as anothers viewpoint), or cant be (such as conversational), now. Its as if a problem now means a problem is sure to pop up then.
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Manage the present. Trust youll manage the future when it arrives. The fear is of being almost certainly swamped by terrible emotions such as shame, inadequacy, or embarrassment. Its these emotions our worry is trying to avoid having us experience. Furthermore, it is not the reality that is the problem here, but your imagined reality. Concentrate on what you can do now, and trust that you will solve other problems once you have more information, or once you are in a position to act. This will enable you to live in the now, and know that whatever comes up now, you will have the resources to cope. Pessimistic thinking will minimize a positive experience, whilst maximizing in your mind the future impact of any bad one. A pessimist cant win their mind will ensure that they lose each time. An optimist, by comparison, will back herself even when her confidence is misplaced. Experience shows, though, that those who are confident normally do succeed, and thus their confidence is justified.21
Future fears indicate old wounds. Future confidence indicates trust in self. I notice that I slip into worrying most easily in relation to money and financial security. I can blow out of proportion any large expenses I face as if they are going to bankrupt me, and can easily fear running out of funds in the future. I have watched and come to understand this tendency I have, and so I seek the factual evidence regarding my finances, and sit down to work out the facts. I also notice that if I can develop a more rational perspective on these matters, I can allay my concerns. Sometimes I will awaken at night thinking about expenses I have to pay, and I realize that I can also slip into resentment if I perceive that the expense is unfair. If I dont deal to these thoughts quickly, I can allow my thinking to head off into negative ruminating. However, now that I know my pattern, I have developed a strategy of seeking the facts that enable me to work out solutions rather than fearing the unknown or indeed the unknowable. I realize also that my motive for worrying is the fear of being out of control, being shamed by being unable to meet my financial commitments, fearing having to face my creditors, or fearing having too little money to live on. Knowing all this helps me to see that Im over-reacting, and to let such thoughts drop away.
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Seek to know what underlies your fears. You will find an emotion you want to avoid experiencing. I remember Dean, a very able student I saw in the days when I was a school counsellor. He came to me as a senior in his last year at school. His particular style of worrying left him immobile, like a stranded fish washed up on a beach. He worried about standard things such as exams and whether he was getting on well with the girls, but he had some other rather unique concerns. He was concerned about global ecology, the nuclear arms race (which was still raging in those days), the pollution he saw his friends creating around school, and whether or not his parents might one day divorce seeing they were so different and embroiled in their own separate lives. Deans problem was that he wanted to control the uncontrollable, even those things that might never happen. Dean worried about events that he was no part of, could not influence, and that might never directly impact on him even if they did occur. Deans problems, though, boiled down to being unable to trust that life would go on if adversity struck, that he would cope, and that if events did turn to custard, life would eventually settle down once again. Nonetheless, he seriously considered building a fall-out shelter in readiness for a nuclear war, and was concerned about how it would be to die following a nuclear blast. Deans problem was fear of the unknown and the unknowable and so was similar to the paranoid person described next. Both exaggerated their fears to such an extent that they were unrelated to reality, and boiled down to a need to build a trust in life and their ability to deal with it. However, Dean was different in that he feared things, not individual people.
4. Worrying about the unknown

You probably wouldnt worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do. Olin Miller The ultimate in self-inflicted pain is to worry about that which can never be determined or factually verified. We can all get bothered about issues such as those that bothered Dean if we choose to, but most of us get on with our lives, doing our best to cope when or where we are able to. If we habitually worry about that which is way beyond our ability to manage, such as worrying about what is wrong with the world, we can soon become cot cases. Most worrying is just an habitual indulgence. Susans fears were not global, but were nonetheless out of control, and like Deans were born of distrust. She was in constant fear of losing her partner to a more interesting woman, despite her husbands protestations to the contrary, and professed love for Susan. She would worry when he came home late, and covertly checked up with his workmates as to what he talked to them about, and what they
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saw him doing in his free time, such as his lunch breaks. Susans constant suspiciousness and lack of trust in her husband is evidence of paranoia at work. Susan was often exhausted as a result of her constant fears, and this made life even harder for her. Unfortunately, her exhaustion and suspicious nature were not attractive features, and so her husbands concern and dislike of Susans condition made her even more fearful that he might leave her. This form of worry is better known as paranoia, because the thoughts are not based on any facts at all or even implied evidence. There is just no foundation for them whatsoever, and there is no way of checking them out because the fear is focused on imagined fiction. This of course is why paranoia is such a problem, because it is just not possible to confirm or deny the fears involved.
Its bizarre enough to fear what could be coming. Its even more bizarre to fear what certainly isnt. Susan exhibited another feature of this style of appraising the world that of being supersensitive (i.e. hypersensitive). If people asked Susan about her husband, she would become curious and concerned as to why they were asking. She would take particularly careful note as to which women talked to him and when. She was alert to any possibility that something might be going on. She also reacted sensitively whenever people asked her about her own life. The standard How are you going? sort of question made Susan bristle with the thought Why are they interrogating me? Such a reaction is typical of people who have learned to trust no-one, even though there is no evidence at all that such an attitude is justified. To come to grips with worrying of this kind, it is essential to recognize that you i) do tend to worry, ii) want to stop doing so and why, iii) worry despite the lack of solid evidence, iv) recognize that you may be suspicious of any help or strategies to make changes, and v) are willing to give change a go anyway, even if it takes a while to get good at mental management. Once you have established the intention to make the change, you can then witness the antics of your mind, and be determined that any unhelpful antics your mind gets up to will be allowed to drop away. You may also benefit from professional support, so your unhelpful habit can be dealt with. We may fear that we will lose control and wont cope with the resulting emotions.
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5. Want, want, want; control, control, control

If desire pushes you to the extremes then your intelligence has the responsibility to check that course and return you to the centre. The Dalai Lama To have desires is healthy and natural. It is through our desires that we create our life. Were it not for desires, we would be directionless morons, or highly evolved beings who had transcended the need to live as a human. Our desires can be as basic as the wish to eat, or the desire for fame and fortune. The problem we all face, though, is that our desires slip into habits of expectation, and a mistaken belief that we must have what we want. We become fixated on our wants as if our ego's survival depends on getting its own way. We want this, but not that. We love this, we hate that. We go well beyond our basic needs, and into the field of wants. Not that it is so bad to want rather than just need. The issue is to what extent we must have this, or must not have that. David Shainberg calls such intense mental activity a vortex of thought, which creates a distorted view of what is important. He comments that the man who is absorbed by the fixation of his image responds to those aspects of reality which will enable him to execute that image.22 Thus, the obsessing person cant take the time to see life without the object of his desires, so focused and closed is the image of that desire in his mind. Too many expectations and demands can catapult us into mental and emotional turmoil. When our desires are strong enough, we slip into being controlling, and that may take us into the Control Drama Triangle where we play being Victim, Rescuer or Persecutor. One of the most destructive energies in any relationship, and the cause of many to break down, is the desire of one party to control the actions of the other. Controlling behaviour originates from determined desires and wants, and expectations that we can make life (and other people) function as we dictate.
Controlling behaviour (of yourself as well as that of others) is to get what you want, and reduce the risks of things going wrong, or being uncomfortable. You may control others so theyll be more like you with your needs and values or you may control
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yourself so that you dont make mistakes, embarrass yourself, become disliked or behave badly. Often the desire to control is motivated by our wish to have another person be more this, or less that.23 Neil was a classic control freak. He resorted to this every time he made a decision to get or do something. Once he had made the decision, there was no turning back. He would drive his wife and family crazy because he would shift mountains to get what he wanted. On one occasion, he decided to buy a house, because he was sick of renting. It didnt matter that he had not raised a deposit, that the housing market was peaking at the time he wanted to buy, that mortgage rates had also reached a peak, and that there were no properties he could afford. In order to get the money he wanted, he completely rearranged the familys finances, borrowed from relatives, stopped paying for his childrens activities, stopped paying for any new clothes his family needed, and severely limited the places he would take the car so as to save on petrol. He was determined to buy NOW, despite having had pointed out to him easier, if slower, ways he could accomplish his goals. Trusting in each moment is a gift. Thats why its called the present. The key to getting beyond strong desires, wants and expectations, is to reduce these to preferences. Give up the belief that you will only be happy and safe if you get what you want, or avoid what you don't want. If you reflect on most of the desires you must have, or must not have, you will see that they are fictions of the mind. They are ideas we have developed, only to be then controlled by the intensity of those ideas. Its as if a thought has arisen, triggered a desire, and now the mind and emotions must have their way in order to be able to relax again. But this is just our own creation that is driving us nuts! As the Dalai Lama has commented after extensive observation of his own inner processes, Many of the afflictions, such as attachment and desire, can increase to a point that the image does not correspond to reality outside the mind. 24 We can allow the mind to create versions of reality that simply dont fit the real world. By this point, our minds have really lost the plot. Our intensely focused perspective has changed reality to appear to be the way we are perceiving it! The desire to want or not want leads to the ruination of happiness and relaxed empowerment. When we are attached to what we desire, we fail to see that we are being drawn to an extreme, and that our desire has the potential to create unhappiness and disempowerment if we dont get our own way. By adopting the attitude of only ever allowing our desires to reach the intensity of preferences, we free ourselves from being imprisoned by our own mind. We free ourselves from having to have a version of reality that exists only in our mind. If we are very advanced, we can adopt the perspective that whatever happens is OK. If we get our desires met fine. If we dont get our desires met also fine.
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The Buddha considered that the root of all suffering was embedded in the need to get our own way, and have our desires and expectations met. Take a look at your own life, and see if he was correct. Even little obsessions can undermine your quality of life, so learning how to get beyond repetitive, unhelpful thinking will free you up to experience life as it really is. Noticing what unsettles your mind, and choosing not to entertain those stressful thoughts leads to mental peace and happiness. What can you do about the need to always have your own way, and so be consumed by the anxiety that underlies this pattern? Hold on lightly to your intentions, to be open to possible alternatives, and to assess carefully the real loss or gain from not getting your own way. Trust that the flow of life will allow you other helpful options, and that regardless, your life will remain OK. Enjoy having desires, but downgrade their intensity to preferences. Notice your desire to be grasping or clinging to what you want, and decide if the stress of doing this is really worth it. Give up any belief that you will only be happy, safe or empowered by getting what you want, or by avoiding what you don't want. Learn how to flow with life, responding as you would prefer, but with your little finger lightly controlling the tiller. Notice the absurdity and unhelpfulness of obsessing or being attached. Once you can see the emotional and mental cost of attachment, you might be encouraged to give it up. Consider the value of the tranquillity in your life when you see that accepting what is may work better for you. 25 Notice how you make a self out of what you must have. You begin to define yourself by what you want, or dont want. Let go of having to ... Do what you must to support yourself right now, but dont act as if youll die should things not turn out as you wish. Learn to notice and accept anxieties that tell you the end could be nigh. Notice these fear-based exaggerations. Breathe into your feelings. It may sound too simple to be true, but making friends with the uncomfortable feelings that accompany any of these mindstates, accepting them for what they are, and just breathing into them, can make the world of difference. Chapters 11 and 15 will help you deal with the strong feelings that accompany mental patterns that seem difficult to dislodge.
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Thoughts you watch will dislike you attention They will run and dissolve if that's your intention. Thoughts you want more and love and adore will grow and drop seeds you'll be sure to get more. Those you resist will love the attention They'll persist and bug you despite your intention.
6. Obsessing and obsessing and

A great many people think they are thinking when they are really rearranging their own prejudices. William James When youve reached the point of obsessing, your emotions have taken over, and good sense has taken a back seat. Obsessions and compulsions are hard to break because their origins can be in the distant past when anxiety was a way of coping with life. The behaviours often impact on others, and it is for this reason that obsessive, compulsive or phobic people are very difficult to live or work with. Obsessions, compulsions and phobias arise because a past event has been etched in the mind and emotions. A childhood injunction to be clean, for example, can manifest as an adult obsession to wash hands, as was demonstrated by the character of Howard Hughes in the movie Aviator. The way to reduce the intensity of these, ironically, is to sit with them, and take yourself through the emotions. They need your compassionate attention. Even though the racy thoughts and heightened emotions may seem challenging and overwhelming at first, with time, if you learn to observe them non-judgmentally, they will reduce.
My suggestion is to get a competent therapist to help you, because support and guidance may make the job of dealing with these much easier. So too will the support of family or friends, who can help you ride out obsessive bouts of anxiety. The suggestions made below for obsessions of non-traumatic origin will also work, but the support of others who know what is going on will be of invaluable help to you. How can you escape the imprisonment of obsessive, compulsive and phobic thinking, feeling and behaviour? Here are some tips.
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Become a detached observer of the drama being acted out in your outer reality. Detachment is the antidote of attachment. Respond as seems appropriate, without fearing all hell will break loose if you dont get it right. Dont be fooled by the urgency of the present moment. Try recalling the details of the last argument you had with someone!! How ludicrous does that argument seem now? Just dont buy in to what is happening in the moment. Observe. Notice. Be a witness to the mellow drama. Recognize that the problem may have has its roots in childhood, and so address any old tendencies you had as a child to be anxious. You can simply recognize current anxiety in your life, and learn to tune into it, breathe into it, own it, and observe any desire to react to it. Thus, learn not to be attached to the drama playing out in your inner reality. Practice sitting with and owning any and all emotions you experience. Listen to them. Open to what they are asking you to do for yourself. Learn the skills of emotional self-management described in Chapters 11 and 15.
7. Delusory thoughts.
The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions. Maurice Chapelain In the Buddhist tradition, this mental torture is considered to be one of the afflictions caused by faulty thinking.26 In the west, the concept of delusion is usually reserved for a state of mind that is not at all related to reality. Throughout history, people have fought for causes that were based on faulty thinking, such as believing they were doing Gods work by killing, raping and plundering other cultures in a good cause. Today, people can also be deluded by following beliefs that are not supported by evidence. Some are religious (God will reward us for doing his work), others are social (She loves me despite never having indicated this as yet), some political (He is hiding weapons of mass destruction so we must overthrow him), but most relate to individuals relating to a world others cant detect (I hear voices which tell me to do awful things.). Delusory thinking appears in all aspects of life, but you hear most about it when ordinary people are obviously not relating to a world the rest of us see, hear and touch. Question your own thinking when many others dont seem to share your reality. Where delusion becomes a real problem, though, and can affect many if not most people at one time or another, is when the mind becomes paranoid about its viewpoint. Thus, we have examples of a paranoid spouse thinking that his/her partner is seeing someone else on the side, despite the absence of definite evidence of this.
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Beliefs that others are thinking certain thoughts about us are also a form of paranoia. Delusion is indeed crippling, because the Victim is living in a world others cant relate to, and is also suffering anxiety. The only antidote to faulty perception and thinking is correct perception and thinking, including recourse to the facts.27 Sadly, many people with the problem are not committed to this, because there are payoffs to holding on to the delusion. Politicians and religious authorities, for example, profit from promoting false facts. The escape route is the same as for the previous three categories.
8. Blaming and beating up self or others

I do not confer praise or blame: I accept. I am the measure of all things. I am the centre of the world. W. Somerset Maugham Obsessing through self-talk, constantly going over and over past events, focusing on how badly you or others did, is another form of distorted thinking. This unhelpful mindset insists that someone must pay for mistakes made. Either self or other has to be blamed, whether because someone has to be wrong, or because feelings of hurt or disgust insist that someone be persecuted for the situation. I remember the days when I was very hard on myself. I would berate myself for not meeting self-selected goals, would work long hours because I felt I should, would feel really bad and guilty if I did something that upset anyone else, and felt bad if I did not follow the edicts of the religious group I belonged to at that time. Fortunately, I gave up most of this nonsense in my twenties, but only because I developed my own moral code, and gave up on all patterns of right/wrong thinking. Eventually, as I came to further respect and appreciate myself, I gave up these practices altogether. Of course, as I came to understand myself better, I also developed greater understanding and compassion for myself and then for others. As I did so, I felt less and less critical of self and others, to the point where I recognized the distorted thinking at work if I got into blaming or criticizing others about anything at all. This last step took me many years, and I still slip into blaming patterns occasionally, but usually change my perspective quickly enough not to get immersed in the blaming and criticizing nonsense.
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If you are self-critical you are empowering those from your past, who sowed those seeds of criticism. I invite you to stop the blame game now. It is a pointless waste of energy, and based on distorted thinking. If you are self-critical, the process will be undermining your self-esteem and self-confidence. Life is too short for that sort of nonsense. Dont allow any unhelpful programming from your past to continue its dreadful legacy. Thumb your nose to all who hurt you in your past by applauding your achievements, and valuing the life you are creating for yourself.
Strategies for managing unhelpful thoughts

1. The ability to use your mind to good effect, and put a stop to processes that undermine your personal power and happiness, are such important topics that they are the central themes in Books 4 and 5 of this series. In these, I will give you a number of strategies for managing old, embedded habits and eliminating them from your mental repertoire. Here is a preview and summary of some ideas developed there. Choose one or more of the following, if there is a disturbance in a head near you! 2. Notice and accept that you allow your mind to roam into negative thinking territory, and be aware of this while remaining non-judgmental of both yourself and your mind. Develop a strong intention that this practice of negativity will stop, while continuing to observe how distorted and predictable these rogue thoughts are. Choose from the options below a strategy for weeding out thoughts that you no longer wish to entertain. 3. Become the "observer" of unhelpful thoughts or feelings. Notice your pattern of thoughts, and the emotions that arise from them. Gather evidence, and notice how productive or useful your thinking process is, and whether or not it is useful to continue as you do. Consider whether or not it is really necessary to think negatively, and what would happen if you stopped doing it for good this very minute. 4. Dispute your thought. Seek the evidence, consider the alternatives, review the worse possible outcomes, review the usefulness of your thoughts. Seek evidence to determine whether a thought is accurate and helpful, and consider alternative perspectives that would serve you better. Fears are usually produced by a reaction to
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possibilities, not to reality. Guilt and shame is usually a response to judging self and fearing the same from others. Notice whether or not these old thinking routines are even rational let alone helpful. 5. Cut off any unhelpful thought. Replace it with a different thought or focus. Distract your mind once you know its thoughts are of no use to you. Distract yourself and your thinking towards something better. Refuse to allow old unhelpful thinking styles to continue, and just get on with something else. Develop preferred ways of distracting yourself from old thought patterns you know are of no use to you, such as listening to music, chatting to friends, reading a book, and so on. 6. Replace any negative thought with its exact opposite. Observe the pattern of thinking, and the fact that the pattern is not useful to you. Insert a positive alternative to the thought that weedled its way into your mind, by coming up with a positive affirmation or perspective that you can fall back on time and time again. For example, I accept myself as I am, especially when Im doubting myself. 7. Notice if you have a habit of blaming yourself or putting yourself down. Reflect on whether that has been useful, and what purposeful intentions could be keeping the process going. For example, beating yourself up for making a mistake may be an attempt to be a better person. Just notice that you can be determined to do better without having to be self-critical. 8. Develop strategies for cultivating positive mindsets. Appreciate your life, yourself, those you love, the good times, the opportunities, beauty, and how fortunate you are to be alive. Make a habit of choosing these options. Choose more often to be positive, optimistic, relaxed, and at peace with yourself and others. 9. Notice those life experiences that seem to be naturally uplifting, and choose them more frequently. Whether you feel better after a walk, chat to a friend, spending time with yourself, listening to music or whatever cultivate a lifestyle that includes events that raise your vibration, that are uplifting and generate a relaxed and happy mind. 10. Above all, practice living in the present moment. Notice how you flick back to the past for regrets and remorse, and forwards to the future for worry, but gain little from doing either. Commit to feeling, noticing, appreciating, loving and just being with what is happening for you right NOW. Notice that who you are right Now manifests as desire, motivation, and a sense of purpose that excites you. Stay with and trust youll cope with life by being present with yourself Now. If this seems a challenge for you, consider reading Eckhart Tolles superb book, Practicing the Now. His tips will help you let go of pre-occupation with the past and the future. Record your commitments to yourself in My Personal Planner.
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Personal Reflection: Take a moment to consider any patterns of negative thinking described above that you fall into at times. Notice any beliefs or perspectives you hold that can bring you down. If you manage to avoid these unhelpful thinking patterns, notice how you do that. You may already and quite naturally be using successful thinking strategies. I invite you to be determined that you will observe any negative thinking, how it works, what feeds it, and what brings it to an end, and records this. Noting the habitual and unhelpful patterns of your mind is a major first step towards mental health and inner peace, because understanding brings insight, power and choice.
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Chapter 11
Choice Six: Become emotionally intelligent

(The) tendency to avoid problems and the emotional suffering inherent in them is the primary basis of all human mental illness. M. Scott Peck, in The Road Less Traveled LAW OF FEELING FUNCTIONING: Feelings are energy and therefore have power. They communicate to us our inner reality and higher self-knowing. LAW OF EMOTIONAL MANAGEMENT: Emotions that are acknowledged, accepted, and owned will transform their energy into emotional healing, insight and awareness of needs. Emotional competence is central to living a fulfilling and happy life. We live in a period in history where the use of the logical mind has been lauded, and the role of emotions often vilified. Many early philosophers such as Plato, Kent and Descartes claimed that emotions just got in the way of sound rational thinking. Unfortunately, they seem to have overlooked that emotions either arise in the absence of rational thinking, or undermine rational thinking, and so dismissing them is not the most useful option. Managing them, or even leveraging them, would make more sense and both are possible. We now know that when thinking is divorced from emotional and bodily awareness, learning is adversely affected,1 as is general health. In fact, we have known for a long time that the more disconnected a person is from body and emotions, the more at-risk they are of developing mental or emotional illness. 2 It is not surprising that we experience our body, our emotions and our thinking separately, because as children we are not encouraged to bring these processes together in an integrated way. When we reacted emotionally as youngsters, a powerful pathway was laid down in our brain, and this was reinforced when we reacted in habitually established ways as we got older. When, as adults, an event triggers our unconscious memory of a situation similar to one experienced as a child, we tend to react in the old, well-
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established way. We may try not to, but our hard-wiring makes it challenging to develop new ways of responding, and to avoid reacting.3 You may also be aware that when you change your thinking, change in your emotional state doesnt necessarily follow. You can decide not to react to someone, but may find yourself doing so anyway. You can be determined to no longer feel bad about yourself, but may still feel the deflating emotions of guilt, shame, embarrassment or doubt. You can change your mind, but your feelings may be unimpressed.
EQ leads to success
Those who feel more, succeed more. Jeff Saunders The more emotionally intelligent (often termed EQ) amongst us do better in life than those who are not.4 Those who are in touch with their feelings and emotions, and who are able to make balanced decisions despite feeling like reacting emotionally, make better choices.5 Furthermore, it has even been shown that children who are emotionally intelligent do better both academically and socially than those who are not.6 Emotional intelligence (EQ) is a better predictor of academic and social success than IQ. We are at our most healthy when we can utilize constructive thinking, feelings and behaviour together so that we operate as an integrated human being.7 Furthermore, those who are emotionally intelligent, who understand and can manage their inner emotional states effectively, do better in relationships because their interpersonal skills are enhanced by their connectedness to their emotions, and the ability to empathize that flows from that connectedness.8 Emotional intelligence has even been claimed as a requirement for sound investment decisions.9 This is because when we are emotionally out of balance, so too is our ability to think logically and rationally. Im sure you can think back to actions you took when you were feeling emotional that in retrospect were not such wise choices.
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Become emotionally intelligent
Therefore, people who are emotionally intelligent are more in control, have more influence, succeed more, and have better relationships than those who are not. Emotional intelligence, therefore, will empower you to have a better life. Not only that, you will be better able to think rationally in emotionally challenging situations, and you will feel better through being more connected to yourself and less reactive to other people. Those who manage their emotions effectively are generally more successful, and happier, in life. While emotions are a feature of everyones life (even though they may be suppressed), they are not a conscious feature of everyones life. When emotions are operating automatically, whether suppressed or expressed, there are risks that they will get in the way of helpful rational behaviour. Emotions, for many people, seem to have an agenda all of their own, and this is what can make emotions such a liability for them. Nigel, whom we discussed earlier, was a case in point. He castigated his estranged wife endlessly during their twenty-year marriage because she was emotional. She would cry easily, and at times get angry because of the way he behaved. He prided himself on being a rational person, not given to such emotional weakness. However, Nigel was extremely emotional - especially angry, hateful, jealous and anxious even though he didnt think so, and his abusive behaviour eventually led to his wife walking out with their three children. Nigel would never acknowledge his hurt, embarrassment, humiliation or indeed any vulnerable emotions. Like so many people who are unable to manage their emotions, he would only express anger, and often did so with a vitriolic tongue-lashing, and occasionally by hitting his wife. Nigel made the mistake of thinking that expressing hurt or sadness was a sign of weakness, and to be angry or aggressive or worse still violent was manly and strong. When we feel we are alive. If we only feel sometimes, we are only alive sometimes.
Eventually, when his wife had walked out for the last time, he experienced a lot of hurt and shame, which he kept to himself. Instead of being smart and acknowledging his mistakes, and expressing his remorse, he just got angrier and more abusive. For the first five years after the separation, he showed only anger and outrage that his wife had had the nerve to not only leave him but find another man who treated her
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well. In order to try and get back at his wife, he used the children as pawns in order to upset her, despite the Protection Order she was awarded by the courts to keep him at bay. He would refuse to spend time with them if his ex-wife had not communicated with him as he had insisted, or not purchased those items of clothing for the children he demanded she buy, or refused to meet some other agenda he had. Nigels problem was that his hurt and disempowerment turned to frustration and resentment, then to anger, and finally to hate and revenge. His inability to manage his violent and vengeful thoughts led him on an emotional roller-coaster that consumed him. One day, he burst into his ex-wifes house to abuse her for something she had supposedly done to one of the children. This episode saw him charged and facing a possible prison sentence, which with skilled legal help he managed to avert. However, the fine and community service he was given by the courts only served to inflame his rage and hate. As his children grew up they refused to have anything to do with him. Nigel was an example of a man whose inability to understand, read or manage his emotions ruined his life. Had he grown up with the skills to express his wounded feelings constructively, and know what they were telling him about himself, his life might have followed a different course. Skilled emotional management leads to success with others. Emotional mismanagement is a liability.
High EQ leads to better choices

Opinion is ultimately determined by the feelings, and not by the intellect. Herbert Spencer Not only does emotional intelligence play a part in how we relate, but our moral decisions are based on our level of emotional development. The greater our proficiency for empathizing with and knowing our own emotional responses, the higher the moral reasoning we are able to develop.10 When we are able to imagine what others might be feeling, we can make decisions based on how our actions would affect the feeling states of others. If we are insufficiently emotionally intelligent, we cannot empathize because we are unable to put ourselves in the shoes of anothers emotional experience. When we are able to feel, we can feel what others feel. When we feel what others feel, we can make moral choices. Some researchers consider that abusive men sometimes behave as they do because they are unable to empathize with the pain they inflict on their victims. Indeed, they may be unable to empathize with emotions felt in their victims that they themselves dont feel. This may be due to abusive childhood experiences where the abusers feelings were discounted, ignored, or punished, resulting in an abuser growing up dissociated from his emotions (and the ability to use them constructively) and
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therefore from the emotions of others. Such disturbing facts highlight the need for educators to ensure all children are helped to develop their emotional intelligence. If this development continues to be overlooked, then society as a whole will continue to suffer.11 Unfortunately, some leading research exploring the development of moral decision-making seems to have totally overlooked the role of emotions in that process, as if moral thinking could be made devoid of an ability to empathize.12 The bottom line here is that we become better integrated and balanced human beings when we are able to listen to, name, respond to and own our feelings and emotions, and use them appropriately in relationships. 13 Many social, professional and other life skills also require emotional competence if success is to be assured.
Emotional intelligence leads to better relating

Relationships are determined by how each feels towards the other. Jeff Saunders Emotional awareness has also been identified as a key skill in determining the quality of our close relationships, our ability to get on with others at work, and our capacity to function successfully as a leader.14 Just consider the workmate who is teased or criticized by his peers, and the troubles that arise when his hurt or anger cant be adequately processed. Similarly, children who are exposed to school bullying, unable to manage the emotions they feel, may take drastic steps to address how they feel. In both adults and children, suicides and homicides can result from inadequately managed emotions. The Columbine High School massacre would be one such event involving children with repressed emotional energy, and the emotions of fear and hatred that motivated the actions of dictators like Saddam Hussein show what adults might do when fired up emotionally. Once basic emotional awareness has been developed, the next step is to use that insight and knowing to manage all emotions. Such awareness requires the skill of noticing, non-judgmentally owning, naming, and appropriately expressing that emotion. This is a big ask of someone who is out of touch with their emotional reactions, and so considerable discipline and practice are demanded in order to develop the sort of emotional intelligence essential for a successfully functioning, intimate relationship. Because our needs can only be recognized from how we feel, people with low emotional intelligence can be more demanding, controlling and blaming of others because they are unable to use their emotions as a guidance tool, and so expect or seek their needs to be met by others. The ability to notice, name, manage and express emotions is considered to be a component of what Howard Gardner terms intrapersonal intelligence. He comments that the core capacity at work here is access to ones own feeling life
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ones range of emotions, the capacity instantly to effect discriminations among feelings and eventually, to label them, to enmesh them in symbolic codes, to draw upon them as a means of understanding and guiding ones behavior.15 Learn to listen to and respond to your emotions. You can then train them to serve you. Acting impulsively, behaving hysterically, withdrawing emotionally, being psychologically or physically abusive, being a social isolate, being shy, are all examples of poor emotional management. Being able to manage your emotions leads to choices as to how you might respond. It enables self-control such as the appropriate expression of how you are feeling and therefore the ability to adapt to new or challenging circumstances. Social competence requires as a pre-requisite that you know how to manage feelings that interaction with others inevitably brings up. Even goal-setting is enhanced by superior emotional self-management, because we know best what we want from life when we feel it, and we know best how to make this happen by what would feel most appropriate.16 Social awareness, then, and the ability to relate well to others, are ways in which our interactions with others are enhanced by an awareness of our own emotional temperature.17 Emotional impulsivity and emotional outbursts are only manageable once we are aware of our emotions and have strategies to control them, rather than having them control us. A lack of such impulse control can create bedlam during the teen years. Later, in adult relationships, such emotional outbursts often lead to the development of hurt, resentment and anger in one or both partners when the best laid plans and intentions fall apart. 18
Deficits in emotional intelligence, are often the cause of relationship breakdown. Steven was one such case. By the time he reached me, he had written off his car, been involved in several bar brawls, had overspent thousands of dollars of his mothers money, and found himself bedding young women just so that he would feel good about himself. Stevens impulsive and often destructive behaviour was not unusual for a young man in his late teens, but it was ruining his life. Binge drinking
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was proving to be expensive, ruining his relationships, and had cost him more than one job as a result of being unable to turn up for work on Monday mornings. Stevens problem was low emotional intelligence. He was unable to cope with rejection from his peers, and so would drink to anaesthetize his feelings. Then, with the Dutch courage provided by drink, he would chat up girls with whom he would behave inappropriately because in his inebriated state he was unable to cope with the mixed emotions generated by sexual desire, self-loathing, and low selfconfidence. The worse he felt, the more he drank, and the more inappropriate decisions he would make. It was only when Steven began to understand his emotions, what they were telling him about himself, and why they were so mixed, that he was able to tune into his various needs and negative self-beliefs that lay beneath this raft of unmanageable emotion. Once he learned to appreciate himself more, and accept areas of difference between himself and other people, he was able to give up the excessive drinking and instead face his fears, self-doubts, and shame. This took him many months. Last I heard of him he had got a well-paying job in the computing field that he loved, and had learned to trust his social skills and manage any anxiety that arose when he mixed socially. Emotional mismanagement often equates to the mismanagement of a potentially successful life.
Manage your emotions, remain calm

A calm attitude preserved at all times bespeaks a man of culture. Buddhist saying It is necessary to become equipped with strategies that, with practice, will help you manage difficult emotions in effective ways. The first of these relates to repetitive emotions that tend to intrude quite often because of the perspectives you are choosing in regards to challenging situations in your life. The sorts of emotions that most upset people on a daily basis are those that bring you down and make you feel gloomy or anxious. Unwanted emotions are caused by unhelpful perspectives and thoughts. Thats where it all begins. As long as the negative thoughts persist, so will the emotions to which those thoughts give birth. Amongst the most common destructive emotions are anxiety, guilt and shame. The sorts of thoughts that give rise to anxiety
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are concerns about safety and avoidance of shame. Think about it for a moment when do you get anxious and why? Guilt is generated by fears of being judged by others in the way you are judging yourself. Consider the situations in which you feel guilt, and you will recognize that self-judgment is at its source. Shame is an intense version of guilt in which the judgment of self and others reaches fever pitch. Some emotions arise because old thoughts have created reactive patterns. Fear of spiders, for example, requires no thinking at all. The fear seems to be immediate. However, a negative thought or two about spiders in the past has created a reactive pattern that now kicks into gear as soon as a spider is sighted. Such negative emotion may then generate negative thought, in which case weve come full circle. Thoughts have created emotions, and emotions are now creating thought. Negative thoughts of old, created old emotions which arise again when those old memories are triggered.
Allowing yourself to maintain negative emotions for long periods of time is, in addition to being extremely unpleasant both for yourself and others, also very compromising on your health. Prolonged experiences of negative emotions can double your chances of getting a whole raft of illnesses. The likelihood of everything from headaches to heart disease increases when you allow toxic emotions to become entrenched. In fact, so damaging are they, that the health risks from toxic emotions can be as serious as smoking and high levels of cholesterol.19 To indulge in toxic emotion is to age your body and invite dis-ease. In the last chapter I gave you some tips for managing negative thoughts, which must be used first if destructive emotions are to be managed. So long as the thoughts persist, so will the associated emotions. People who have constant unwanted pessimistic, doubting, gloomy, anxious outlooks on events in their life must change those perspectives, and I provide the necessary skills in Books 4 and 5. Changing your thinking to be more positive, constructive, hopeful and intentional is a learnable skill, but for now it will help you simply to detect unwanted thoughts that you know dont serve you and to be determined to use the skills I outlined in the last chapter to befriend and disempower them.
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Once youve recognized the unhelpful thought patterns, and decided that your life will still be safe without having those thoughts, you can then let them go. Because emotions will persist after the thoughts that created them have been stopped, you must also work on the emotional residue. Imagine, for example, that you notice you get nervous when being criticized, and that thoughts of being shamed fuel your anxiety. Once youve identified that pattern and decided you could actually cope with the criticism despite the emotions that come up, you can tell the offending thoughts to go jump! Emotions have a life of their own. They require specialist attention if they are to be managed. Unfortunately, the nervousness produced by the old thoughts of being criticized may still be present. If this is the case, notice this emotion, make friends with it in a welcoming way, and just pay attention to it. In order to get residual emotions to shift and weaken, it is necessary to sit with them, and allow them to dissolve through the process of being observed. Allow yourself to become the energy of what is happening, knowing that this energy will come, flow, and go. As you do this, they will supply you with information as to why they have arisen within you mostly alerting you to a need or two, or a call for action. 20 It sounds very strange to many people that emotions could dissolve by being watched, but it works. The process I am going to outline for you here is explained in detail in Book 6, a book dedicated to helping readers become more emotionally intelligent. You can make a start by following the process described below, which is taken from that book, and which will enable you to transform any negative emotion that bothers you.
Emotions you embrace will erase. Those you ignore youll get more. Those that you resist will persist. Exercise: Managing unwanted emotions. STEP 1. Attune. Tune in to all feelings or other sensations. Notice how your body registers sensations according to the emotions that are present. Become familiar with these sensations. Totally immerse yourself in them so that they can talk to you. Throughout this process, keep in touch with all aspects of the sensations you are feeling in your body.
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STEP 2. Accept. Identify, accept, breath into and name the specific emotions present. Breathe deeply into any sensations in your abdomen or chest. Use your awareness to discern which emotions you are feeling, and put a name to these. Accept their presence, even if they feel uncomfortable. As you focus on the feeling of the emotion in your body, you may notice a change. STEP 3. Attend. Imagine what the emotion could tell you about yourself. While you continue to sit with the emotions present, enquire of them the need, want, insight or understanding about yourself that they are providing. Instead of using your mind to provide this information, allow the information to come directly from your focus on the emotions. STEP 4. Acknowledge. Notice and just witness the belief, value or perspective supporting the emotion. Still focusing on the feelings and sensations provided by the emotions you are having, notice the belief, value or perspective that must be present for you to be having this reaction. Notice if theres any possibility that your thoughts may be inaccurate or irrational. Again, allow the emotions to provide this insight, and leave your head out of the process. STEP 5. Allow. Drop through the emotions you feel. a. Notice the details of these emotions. Notice their size, texture, feeling, colour, intensity, and so on. b. Allow whatever emotions are present to be however they want to be. Name them. c. Imagine dropping through the emotions you have, and allow others below them to appear. Drop through successive emotions as/if they arise. d. Acknowledge any pleasant emotion when it arises, and recognize that this embodies the positive intentions hidden behind your original uncomfortable emotions. Be aware that persisting with any unpleasant emotion will eventually give rise to a positive one.
This process has proven to be successful with countless numbers of my clients. Let me warn you though it will require a lot of practice. You will need to learn to focus on the emotion and associated sensations, and steer clear of getting caught up in those habitual unhelpful thoughts.
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Like most people, you may not be particularly good at identifying and naming all the emotions that you feel. Even emotionally intelligent people are better able to feel and detect some emotions than others. Again, time and practice will help you to learn to detect and name emotions, and what they are telling you about yourself. There are some steps you can take to help you become more aware of what you are feeling, and better able to process those emotions, whatever they are. Daniel Goleman in his book Emotional Intelligence provides useful insight into steps that can be taken to enable you to develop this very powerful intelligence. Some of his ideas are included in the steps I provide below to assist you to increase your emotional intelligence, and thus your emotional management.
Own how you feel. Accept that this is your victim-less truth. Emotional intelligence is learnable. The prize for learning this art is to access levels of human experience not available to those who do not feel. I know, because I have walked this path from emotional ignorance to emotional intelligence. It took me many years, but if you are really determined, you can enhance skills and awareness latent within you quite quickly. Persistence and commitment will see you progress. Be motivated by this observation from Abraham Maslow: The severely disturbed do not have peak experiences; only the emotionally healthy do. Here is where you can begin.
Strategies to improve your emotional intelligence

1. Notice what you feel at various times. For example, on the hour, each hour, ask yourself what am I feeling? Do your best to name that feeling, even if theres so little going on within you that you have to call the emotion bland, empty, or open. The more often you allow yourself to be aware of your emotions, the more you are becoming permanently wired to feel emotions more effectively in general. So notice when emotions are running, and get used to naming them, and notice what they are telling you to do. 2. Notice which emotions you experience the most, and which the least. Very likely, you are intelligent in regards to the ones you can feel, and possibly not in regards to those you seldom experience. If, say, you get angry a lot, allow yourself to feel the hurt, disempowerment, humiliation, frustration or perhaps rejection that underlies
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your anger. Similarly, if you feel hurt or resentment, anger may arise in order that your feelings of disempowerment can become feelings of wanting to get your power back. Notice if detecting those earlier emotions in the sequence will help you support yourself before the angry stage is reached. Be determined to notice all emotions that arise only in this way will you come to know what goes on within you. 3. It is through talking about events that have disturbed you emotionally that you can become aware of what is going on within you, and this provides an opportunity to name, express, and understand the causes of your emotions. As you do this, you will become more alert as to when these emotions arise, more aware of what triggers them, and you will be able to plan your responses to emotions rather than react as you might have done previously. 4. Observe how you manage emotions, and whether or not youve developed skills for resolving or dissolving those emotions. Ignoring, suppressing (pushing them down) or denying them does not count as a useful management strategy, because such emotions will return over and over again. Consider the emotions you most often feel, and how well you get through these. Do you have a way to move these emotions on, or not? Does that matter? Does ignoring, suppressing or repressing (pretending they are not there) work well for you? Do your relationships suffer because of the way you manage emotions? 5. Take note of which feelings or vibes you experience when with certain people or in particular environments. You may notice you occasionally feel what others feel. If so, you are empathizing with the emotions they are having. This is very helpful, because by tuning in to the emotions of others, you are teaching your own emotional self what certain emotions feel like. If you recoil from some of these, you will be learning that somewhere along the way, you have learned, or decided, not to allow yourself to experience those particular emotions (which may be helpful if some emotions in others feel overwhelming to you). Virtually all of us have some progress to make on feeling all emotions, and so the wider the range of emotions you allow yourself to tune in to, the more emotionally intelligent you will become. 6. When you next get bothered or upset, notice the style of thinking that keeps that emotion going. You will have then discovered the fuel that generates your reactions, and starts your emotional motors. Because emotional processes are so often initiated by particular thinking routines, it pays to notice what these are. Then you can work on doing something about thinking sequences which are not helpful (because they create destructive emotions) or those that are helpful (because they create positive emotional experiences). 7. Take response-ability also for any unhelpfully destructive ways you handle emotions. Alcohol and nicotine are often used as emotional sedatives, depression as an alternative to being expressive and empowered, and addictions such as overeating, gambling, or casual sex as alternatives to processing emotions constructively.
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If you know you are avoiding emotions because they feel too overwhelming or painful, find someone who can teach you how to come to terms with these. 8. Learn control techniques for emotions you have difficulty managing. Anger management courses, for instance, teach time out as a way of providing an opportunity to think things through, and give time for emotions to settle. Time out to process anger, or to get your thoughts together in times of conflict, is a very useful tool for allowing emotions to settle, thus proving an opportunity for logical, constructive and problem-solving thinking to return. 9. When next feeling emotional, after the initial intensity has subsided, take time to be with yourself, much as you would do for a friend. Notice what happens once you stop the negative thinking, and allow yourself to fully feel the emotions still within you. The best long-term strategy for processing unhelpful emotions, is to allow them just to be there, and to witness them without trying to diminish them or make them go away. The process of observing emotions, will eventually transform them into something less intense and more pleasant. Notice which strategies most support you to process you emotions, whether this is talking about them, noticing what action they invite you to take, or whatever. 10. Develop relationship skills and learn how relationships work, because it is in the context of interacting with others that most difficult emotions are generated. Your buttons will be pushed usually because needs have not been met, or values not respected. Therefore, use the chapters following to understand who you are and what aspects of self get triggered when you are with others. If you find people difficult to relate to, or conflict challenging and so you tend to avoid it (as many do), then learn the skills of how to manage these or other difficulties. (Later chapters in this book will help you here.) If you dont, the most important people in your world may not want to, or be able to, relate with you. 11. By taking the time to listen to how others are feeling , without telling them what to do, you will enhance your skills of empathy and good listening both essential for good relationships. Listening to another persons story may also help you to expand on how others cope with, or experience life, and their emotional ups and downs. Learn to be non-judgmental, considerate, caring, accepting and loving of both self and others. Practice these approaches towards people in your life as often as possible so that they become second nature to you. These skills are learnable as are all the others already mentioned, but few take the trouble to learn them. What a shame, because a happy life is so dependent on being emotionally intelligent. Choose and prioritize some of the suggestions made above. Work on those points you consider particularly relevant to your situation. Record your commitments to yourself in Must Do Activities in My Personal Planner at the back of the book.
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Personal Reflection: I invite you, for a moment, to reflect on the relationship skills of those whom you know well. Consider how well those people who experience, express, name and manage emotions competently relate to others, compared to those who are out of touch with, and unable to manage or appropriately express their emotions. Consider whether the way in which you express (or dont express) your emotions actually serves to enhance or undermine your relationships, and life in general. What about your emotional intelligence - would it be advantageous for you to improve? Which emotions might it be useful for you to become more literate about? Record any changes it would be worth making in Must Do Activities in My Personal Planner. Changing your emotional reactions to life is more difficult than changing your perspective and beliefs, and can only be done by attending to what you actually feel within. But it can be done, as I can personally testify. Once you have begun down the road whereby you become more emotionally intelligent, you can then become better and more confident at using your intuition, interpreting dreams, empathizing with and recognizing emotions in others.. Furthermore, your emotional state actually creates your life, as I will explain in later chapters. It is therefore important to choose thoughts and emotions that are going to create the life you want, rather than the one you dont. In general, negative emotions will create and attract to you the life you dont want, so pay attention to how you feel, and decide if those emotions are serving you profitably, and how they might be changed. Developing a strong sense of who you are begins with the beliefs you have about yourself, how you use your mind, the perspectives you take, and the actions that follow from these. However, mental imbalance is a global epidemic, as the vast numbers of people on medication attest. We must now turn our attention to the serious task (but dont worry about it) of lightening up and giving ourselves a mental break.
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Chapter 12
Choice Seven: Know and honour yourself first

This above all: to thine own self be true. And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man. William Shakespeare LAW OF IDENTITY CREATION: We create the energy of self through self-beliefs, self-talk and the way we believe others see us. We then believe and act from this identity. LAW OF SELF-BELIEF: Perspectives about self repeated by the mind create the energies of selfbelief. We then use these beliefs to determine our place in the world. Who are you? How would you describe yourself? Do you feel deserving, worthwhile and a person whose needs matter? In what ways are you unique and different to others? Do you like and totally accept that uniqueness? Are you prepared to publicly promote your excellent qualities without embarrassment? Do you know what you want to do with your life? People who honour themselves, support themselves, listen to what they want and communicate their needs effectively know that you have to prioritize your self in order to be effective in life. Most people dont really know who they are. How, then, can they help themselves? Becoming personally powerful requires that you shift from focusing on and honouring others, to knowing and honouring yourself first. It requires that you not only know who you are, and become comfortable with that, but that youre also prepared to acknowledge your needs and get them met before looking after others. This may sound selfish if youre conditioned to care for others ahead of yourself. For
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that reason most people will never make this choice and sadly wont become winners.
Due to your programming, you may feel uncomfortable with any notions of being selfish. But this is a limited way to interpret the meaning of knowing and honouring yourself first. The truth is, we are all selfish - each moment of each day, we are focused on what we are thinking, feeling, desiring and wanting to do. This is the way it must be, because the only life we can be in charge of is our own. When you refuse to put yourself first, you are refusing to take full charge of the only life you have the complete power to add quality to. You wont ever be happy or successful while following the beliefs, values or priorities of others. Edward de Bono points out that all of our actions are selfish, but once we recognize this we can stop feeling guilty and get on with life. He says even the most selfless behaviour of a saint could be seen to be selfish for a number of reasons: 1. It makes that person feel good to be selfless and to help others. There is a sense of mission, fulfilment, accomplishment and virtue. 2. It makes that person feel good to know that he or she is pleasing God and following Gods will. 3. It makes that person feel good to know that a good example has been given to others who might also set about helping the less fortunate. So, says De Bono, we have a conundrum: is it selfish to be selfless when being selfless is what you want to do most of all? 1
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Know and honour yourself first
Selflessness is honouring ones own motivation and desire. Selflessness, then, is perhaps the best way to be selfish. I can recall a friend telling me she felt guilty because she was using another friend for some purpose which I cant now recall. I pointed out to her that all friends are users. Thats the whole point of having a friend. You use them for ideas, to have them listen to you, to share your stresses, for someone pleasant to go out with all using. Where things come unstuck is when imbalance occurs. If the favours are all flowing in just one direction, or one of the friends doesnt know when it is time to ensure that needs are met in both directions, it is then that you feel used. Otherwise, there is nothing to feel guilty about when you are advantaged by what you can get through having significant others in your life.
Help yourself then others

If everybody took care of their own rubbish others would enjoy a clean planet. Jeff Saunders A major life learning occurs when you realize that if everyone honoured themselves first, that would place us all in a strong position psychologically to support others, and we would not then be weakened or compromised by doing so. The act of caring for and honouring ones self first actually provides a grounding from which it is then easier to help others. Howard Gardner, when referring to the development of intrapersonal intelligence, talks of a sense of self that is rock solid, and which can then be used to support others. He thinks of a mature sense of self as being one which would incorporate a relatively autonomous sense of self, one that places a heavy accent upon intrapersonal features, even when they are marshaled in the service of others.2 Choose to become fully functional. Choose to get yourself fully sorted. If we reverse this process, though, and honour others before our self, then what happens in practice is that we meet the needs of others at the expense of our own needs. This disempowers us, saps our energy, and can lead to resentment, anger and frustration. Whenever you stop looking after yourself, your energies become jaded and youll very probably feel drained. Theres a good chance you will feel resentful of the energy youve spent on others, and may feel too exhausted to look after yourself. You may also have an emotional reaction because you are acting from notyou, from a self that someone else has instructed you to be or wants you to be. Doing an excellent job of being yourself may take a lifetime to accomplish. Many die while still on the job.
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Once you have successfully supported your own health, sense of self and well-being, it is easy to pass those experiences on - the kind and compassionate way in which we honour our self will be passed on in the way we treat others. If we learn to accept, love, respect, approve, appreciate, value and like ourselves, we will find doing the same for others easy and natural. Furthermore, when we honour our self, we allow others to see that this is an acceptable way to treat ones self. We also expand our energy because we have optimized our mental and emotional health by caring for our needs. Not only will this be an encouragement for others to do the same, but we will have the energy surplus to assist them to do so. 3 I believe it was Socrates who said physician heal thyself, but he might also have said healed and healthy physician, you can now be a true healer of others. Honour yourself first. Then, if you choose, use the energy you have gained to help others. If you succeed in honouring who you are, something else miraculous may take place. When others criticize, blame, wrong you or judge you in some way, you may notice yourself thinking Youve got a problem, rather than Theres something wrong with me. Once youve recognized that people point the finger when they are not coping, you will give up owning their problem as being your own. Criticism is more often a reflection of the critic than the criticized, and any powerful person knows that. Thus, someone who honours their self thinks I can see his/her problem rather than Ive got it wrong again. We must realize that all human beings are equally important, and that includes ourselves. Putting our own oxygen mask on first is the pre-requisite needed if we are to reach out to others. If we dont breathe the oxygen first, we have no resources we can share with another. If we care for our own self-esteem, energy and well being, we will more successfully support the development of these qualities in others. Looking after ourselves first, then, and helping others, are not antagonistic. When you are living your life in a healthy way, you will yearn for what is good for you, what feels right for you, and later, what is best for others. Armed with this selfknowledge, you can then be sure to look after yourself, and feel good about yourself, whilst still considering the needs, desires, or values of others.4
Self-care, self appreciation, and self-prioritizing must come first. Guilt and anxiety must go.
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There are plenty of people who get burnt out supporting others, whether professionally or in their private life. Putting others first is a recipe for a life of not getting what you want, and possibly not even feeling OK to desire what you want. Personal Reflection: Look into a mirror, and ask yourself: Do I like this person? Do I accept this person just as s/he is? Do I allow this person to be the person s/he wants to be?
Man, know thyself

Man, know thyself Socrates Socrates knew that knowing ones self was a passport to empowerment and emotional freedom. The cost of not knowing who you are and acting from that causes a reduction in the quality of your own energy and life force. You may suffer actual physical un-wellness or tiredness, a loss of control in your life, a loss of energy, a reduction in your capacity to create or enjoy pleasure, and a loss of self-esteem.5 This happens because every time you ignore, deny or compromise yourself, a part of you cringes, cries, or just surrenders. The loss of energy comes from the incongruity between your authentic higher self, and your compromising behaviour. Depression is but an extreme example of the cost of not being true to oneself. Many people live a life that isnt in tune with who they are, because they dont know who they are. How has such a situation developed? Most likely, theyve been trained that way via social conditioning or an expectation to follow someone elses values and ideals. Many cultures, religions and societies promote the ideal that we should always think of others first and fulfil our social obligations. The dominant mindset operating here often begins with You should think of others first, but implies You should ignore your own needs, and martyr yourself to the causes of others. This soon becomes only think of others, and implicitly, dont think of your self, or even forsake your self.
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Shoulds imply you are following beliefs rather than your own needs. Add to this the belief that we should live a life based on values prescribed by others by beliefs handed down by religious authorities, political authorities, cultural or familial authorities - and there is little opportunity left to be you. You should do as others prescribe, or You should follow the beliefs and values that have been handed down to you, become prescriptions for creating someone whose life choices are ordained by others, and not by ones own needs, personality or values. Conversely, people who know who they are and follow their inner creativity and motivation tend to maintain a higher energy and are usually healthier than others. By listening to the beat of your own drum, you bring zest, enthusiasm, drive and motivation into your own life. Eventually others will beat a path to your door to discover your secret. Having walked the talk, youll be in a position to talk the walk. One of the best ways to get to know who you are, what you love, what motivates you, and what holds you back, is to adopt a reflection or meditation practice that allows you to connect with your inner world. The process of looking within will acquaint you with what you think, feel and love. You will become used to connecting with the energies of who you are, and will begin to develop compassion for yourself. The more you do this, the more you will strengthen the energetic connection with who you are. The effect of being more connected to your self can be to become more aware of your needs, joys, motivations, and enthusiasm. A further strategy that you can use at any time is to simply ask yourself What do I want for myself right now? What would I love to do right now? What do I feel like doing or saying right now? These questions will put you in touch with who you are and how you function moment by moment. Go within. Feel what arises. Follow what arises.
Negative emotions may keep you in line

You cant be you while committed to avoiding discomfort. Jeff Saunders We all know of people who lay guilt trips on others. Why do they do this? Because it is a control device. Most of us avoid choices that would bring up emotions we would find uncomfortable. If you are committed to putting yourself first, you must initially manage any guilt or anxiety that will inevitably erupt when self-empowerment is attempted. This guilt or anxiety arises due to fear of being judged by ones self and others, and it is what keeps people in line, doing what theyve always done, dishonouring themselves.
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Notice if guilt or anxiety keeps you from moving forward. I often deal with clients who admit to having no idea as to who they are. In my experience, this often happens to women in marriages who have given their all to husband and children. They have become the family servant, and the price for doing this can be burnout, depression, illness, and a lack of personal fulfilment. Similarly, men (stereotypically) can fall into the trap of prioritizing making money and being successful in their career in order to support their family financially. When people put all their energies into filling particular roles in such ways, they can easily lose track of who they really are and what they really want in their life. This is a formula for becoming a non-person, more like a robot doing what their programming and social expectation has dictated that they do. While it may be necessary to continue nurturing others or making money to support them, this doesnt have to be done in such a way that the person grinds themselves into the ground. Just because you have to look after others some of the time, doesnt mean you have to do it all of the time at a cost to yourself.
If the above discussion rings bells for you, then theres a good chance that you are a Rescuer. I invite you to re-read the earlier chapter that describes how Rescuers operate. You may have to learn how to allow others to take full responsibility for asking for help before you rush in with your ever-ready emotional first aid kit. Theres every chance that you put others first because you are a people-pleaser, probably to avoid being disliked or rejected. Honour yourself before all others. Otherwise, you will lose a sense of your own identity, not to mention the meaning of your own life. The cost of putting yourself first may be guilt that you are no longer a nice person, and possibly anxiety that you will no longer be liked or admired for caring so well for others. Honouring yourself first may bring up massive guilt or anxiety or both, much as you would have experienced had you put yourself first as a child, and so pushing gently through (rather than past) these emotions is the only way forwards. These are emotions that you will have to sit with while you learn to behave differently putting yourself first.
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Unpleasant emotions often tell you that you are pushing through old barriers.
You already know what you need to know

You cannot teach a man anything. You can only help him to find it within himself. Galileo Galilei For many years, I have taken the time to connect with my inner world in order to learn what I am wanting in my life. I still remember when I came to the realization that I no longer wanted to be a teacher, and was left wondering what I was going to do next. I knew that to go back to what I had been doing would be like becoming the walking dead. I would have no passion at all for teaching young people subject matter that I no longer considered useful for them. I addressed this uncertainty I was feeling by doing more meditation, and by taking the time to notice what I was drawn to, careers that looked interesting, and by reflecting on my past passions to see if they could tell me where I might next be headed. I spent a great deal of time reflecting. Having just returned from travelling overseas, I was unemployed. While being out of a job increased my feelings of uncertainty, those anxieties encouraged me to put time aside to reflect on the many options I could follow. I spoke with many people about their careers, and many others contributed their ideas as to what my personality might be suited to. My point here is that it may take some time and application to tune in to who you are if youve not done this much before. You will only know what works best for you by what feels right. Whether you are considering a new job, a new partner, a new house or new city, it is feeling that will finally tell you what works best for you. Try asking yourself What does the person I feel in my body want right now? Begin tuning in regularly to what the energies in your own body are inviting you to do to make you happy, contented, relaxed, excited, challenged and cared for. Listen to what feels right for you to do for your body, mind, spirit, or emotional state. Only by listening to your inner reality can you honour that which is within you.
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Personal Reflection: Consider what you do to put yourself first in your life, and how you could enhance this. What emotions, such as guilt and anxiety, would you have to resolve in order to comfortably honour and care for yourself more than you do? Consider how you best honour others, without diminishing what works best for you. Reflect on situations in which you sometimes give up your power by looking after others at your own expense. What do you want to do differently when similar situations arise in the future? What emotions might arise to keep you stuck in the old ways? Notice any behaviours that feel forced, uncomfortable, wooden, false, shallow, unsatisfying, especially when relating to others. These may be ways of being that you have developed in order to get on with others. Check to see that you want to continue with that style of functioning.
Discover, integrate and act your true self

I wanted only to try to live in accord with the promptings which came from my true self. Why was that so very difficult?" Hermann Hesse Yes, living from your true self is difficult, but such an important journey to walk. The fact that in the process of growing up we have split off bits of ourselves into the I dont want to know about that bit of me basket, means that we can only be whole when being our true self. Those aspects of our self that we hide from are those most likely to arise in moments of stress and become the cause of our downfall. Most criminals get themselves into trouble because they have not come to terms with those aspects of their personality that have been split off and are therefore hidden from their self. What you dont know (or dont want to know) about your self is the most dangerous part of your personality. Burying your head in the sand will only lead to soulful suffocation.
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We split ourselves in several ways. Firstly, we often split off those parts of our self that might lead to anger, frustration, hate, shame, humiliation, hurt, fear whatever emotions we dont want to experience. We do so in order not to feel or display those emotions. Facing those inner drives and desires may bring up the discomfort of seeing ourselves for who we really are. No wonder people put such energy into avoiding seeing those parts of their self they would feel uncomfortable about. The degree to which our lives are distorted, and the degree to which unresolved personality splits have not been addressed, will also affect our relationships. We all struggle to look directly at parts of ourselves that might bring up emotions of shame, self-doubt or needs that would be challenging to go out and get met, but if we are not honest with ourselves and our relationship partner, we will be living a lie- or at best a half-truth. Any relationship that is not an honest one struggles to be a fully successful one. Now is always a good time to detect all aspects of our self we adopted for the purposes of appeasing others. Acknowledging all aspects of ourselves that we dont like, others dont like, or that weve denied or ignored, is essential if we are to become a whole person again. In addition to discovering and integrating your true self, this choice is also about acting upon whatever you discover. It is only when you act that you assume full response-ability. I did this when I realized that the Christian Church did not embody the spiritual principles I valued. So I acted I walked away towards what I perceived was a more honest expression of spirituality for me. Others disagreed with my decision, and some tried to get me to reconsider sometimes abusively but I continued to honour myself anyway and seek my own answers.
Just be you
Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of someone else. Judy Garland Childhood is really an intensive training in being someone else. Just think how often you got under the skin of others, because the way you behaved didnt work for them! The cost of conforming to, being obedient to, and meeting the needs of others was
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high. Most of us lost our way, at least to some extent, on the journey of being ones self. Be unique, not a copy.
We were trained to repress not just our needs, but much of who we were, our inner rhythm. Not only were our caregivers nervous about allowing us to rule the roost as children, but we may also have learned to fear being powerful and autonomous. Just try doing something free and frivolous as an adult that you were forbidden to do as a child, and you may see how scary it is to break the childhood patterning. Most of these inner tendencies, despite being repressed, ignored or neglected, did not die. These inner tendencies, drives, desires and needs may have become buried in our subconscious to the point we are unaware of them. Nonetheless, despite being well buried they can still fuel our thoughts and behaviours. We are usually unaware of this process, and may see it manifesting when something seems to drive us to behave in ways we would prefer didnt happen.6 Happiness and empowerment are never possible while you are busy being someone else. Our natural reaction is to deny, avoid or repress any aspect of ourselves that feels uncomfortable or shameful. Whether because we were raised to believe parts of ourselves were bad, or guessed that we would be judged by others because of those tendencies, it is difficult as adults to allow these hidden, bad or unacceptable parts to see the light of day. The eminent Swiss psychoanalyst, Carl Jung, called these denied parts of self our shadow, and he postulated that it was our persistence in denying these aspects of self that gave rise to much mental illness. Jung considered that while we may find it uncomfortable to deal with parts of our self we dislike, and the dislike from others of those parts, we must integrate them into a fuller sense of self in order to achieve inner balance and harmony. 7 Many years after Jungs death, another distinguished psychotherapist, Abraham Maslow, claimed that If this essential core (inner nature) of the person is frustrated, denied or suppressed, sickness results, sometimes in obvious forms, sometimes in subtle and devious forms, sometimes immediately, sometimes later. 8 Return to your true self and be again the authentic human being you were designed to be.
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Being good probably wont work

You may be good, nice, right and even perfect. But notice that perfection never leads to happiness, let alone empowerment. Jeff Saunders In my own journey, I learned as a pre-schooler that my anger and obstinacy were not appreciated. I eventually learned to be nice, and to repress my anger. This nice behaviour was a false self, which worked because I figured out that I was liked more for being that way. This tendency to be nice but rather unreal became more firmly entrenched during the years I was involved in the church, through my teens and into my twenties. Here, niceness seemed to be soundly reinforced. There didnt seem to be a place there for someone who reefed off with four letter words every now and again. In the process of developing this false but nice persona, I buried any tendency to be angry, and so grew up to be a person who never got angry. Thus, my anger became part of my lost self. I eventually got a reputation for being a talking head, rather than a genuinely expressive person, and I came to realize that I no longer liked this nice but rather wooden persona I had developed. It was demoted to become part of my disowned self, a disapproved aspect of the self. In my case, I wanted to disown an aspect of my false self that I had myself developed years earlier. Just be naturally you. The other options are exhausting. There were times when I also disowned aspects of my true self as well. For example, I came to be distrusting of my intellect. When I spoke my thoughts , I was often given a hard time by those who were annoyed I wouldnt share my feelings. Of course, those who complained did not realize that I was totally unaware of what my feelings were, let alone why it was useful to express them. I couldnt express feelings I didnt know about, and so their criticisms were meaningless to me. Thus, for some time I became critical of my tendency to think, and considered my mind a liability. It seemed that I thought too much and had too many opinions, and that I was better not to express my ideas, at least in front of people who couldnt cope with a very cognitive individual. With time, I have learned to perceive my mental processes as neither positive nor negative, but as something helpful if I use them wisely. I have learned to accept this as part of myself, no matter what others want or think. I have integrated this part of disowned self into my true self.
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After almost two years in therapy, I regained my connection to my anger and a few other emotions I had learned to block off. I still recall the first time I allowed myself to be fully expressive of my anger. I was tentative about doing it, and during and just after my outburst, I shook with fear the anxiety that I would be disliked for my anger, just as I had feared when a child. The process of regaining my authentic or true self had been a harrowing business, but the more I allowed myself to get angry with people when my true self demanded that I be expressive, the more my fear of a reaction from others dissipated. My true self may be scary to accept. My true self may even be very expressive. My true self may not be liked by others for being expressive. I now no longer feel disapproving and disowning of this aspect of my true self, because I have integrated the ability to think and feel in better balance. It could be argued, of course, that my intellect became predominant because at an early age I did not trust or honour my feelings. To this extent, my tendency to think my way through life could be called an aspect of false self, at the expense of my true, feeling self which I had lost touch with. As you become more authentic, you will change. Some people may not like what they see, and may attempt to bring you back into line. However, as you honour yourself more and more, and as you connect with whatever your true self is telling you to do on your own behalf, you will feel compelled to act in ways that other people will sometimes be bothered by. After all, you are meeting your own needs, not running around attending to theirs. You may change your values, focus on needs or desires that were not predominant before, and even pull away from religious, cultural or social conventions that no longer serve you. 9 In order to be truly powerful, it is necessary to integrate all aspects of lost self, and to trade false self behaviour for true self thoughts, feelings and actions. Continually check in to hear what you inner self is telling you and then honour and act from who you really are. Wendy was typical of many of my clients, mostly female, who had focused all their energies on partner and children. At forty, she was burned out, didnt know who she was, regularly got depressed, and saw no future for herself. Despite the massive guilt involved, she walked out on her family because she could see no way of coping any more. Wendy had to reframe the sense of right and wrong she held about the choices she had made before she could move forward, so bad did she feel about the way she had folded under stress. Wendy didnt really need to walk out on her family in order to empower and care for herself. But like so many people, it was boom or bust. She couldnt cope with her circumstances, or see a way of changing them, so she took the only route towards sanity and peace she could find.
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For Wendy, and so many others, there are no half measures. But it doesnt need to be that way. You can start honouring yourself right now, whatever your life situation. Start by saying NO or even just No to at least some of the situations, requests or demands you want no part of. Listen to yourself, each day, and determine whether you are saying Yes when you would prefer to be saying No. When you feel the guilt arising accompanied by self-talk like Youre a selfish sod or You always want it your own way, you know you are on to some old conditioning that argues that you should have very little, and that you should make sure others are well cared for, even if at your own expense. Honour yourself by stating your preferences, and putting up boundaries. You cant have a fulfilling existence until youve learned to say No where and when it really counts. Just in case you need reminding, you are here to be the best possible you, not to rescue everyone else from being who they are. Nor are you here to look good, or to make headlines as the wealthiest or most successful person in the eyes of the world. As Richard Bach, perhaps best known as author of Jonathan Livingston Seagull, reminds us, Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself.10 Personal Reflection: Consider for a moment what would happen if you expressed your true self. Which emotion would stop you from such an action? Would you genuinely be unsafe if you were to express your true self? Would there be people who would like you still? (Consider for a moment if people like those who are bold enough to be true to themselves.) How could you make small steps to becoming your true self, without unnecessarily rocking the boat?
Spend time on yourself

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself. Leo Tolstoy You matter. Your true self is the best gift you can offer to those in your world. If you are not going to listen to your inner needs, desires, hopes, and dreams and follow them, you cant get to first base in personal development work. And thats because the work demands that you connect with the truth of your self, the energies arising from within, and listen to what they have to tell you about you. There are a number of ways to connect better with your inner reality, and these include honouring your emotions, your needs, meditating, treating yourself regularly, taking time out to contemplate, and speaking with a trusted friend about
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your innermost processes. Once you begin to honour yourself, only then can you hear energies arising from within and asking for you to pay attention.
Howard Gardner, who developed the theory that we each have multiple intelligences rather than just a single intelligence, included intrapersonal intelligence as one of the most important we have. Until we acquire proficiency in this intelligence (and yes, it is possible to get better at these intelligences they can be learned), we are unable to develop interpersonal intelligence, the skills needed to relate successfully to others. Gardner also considered that this ability to know, understand, accept and honour the self was a cornerstone to successfully utilizing many of our other intelligences. For example, if you are going to utilize verbal/linguistic intelligence and write, speak, and express yourself well, this is more difficult to achieve if you struggle to relate to others and to yourself. As Gardner himself has noted, the formation of a sense of self is a project and a process of the utmost importance. 11 Listen and respond to your own inner self before prioritizing anyone elses inner self. You may need to sharpen your awareness in order to detect thinking and actions that are not genuinely you. To notice when you are not being your true self requires that you tune into uncomfortable emotions, contracted feelings, and thoughts that are energy draining because they are not a reflection of who you really want to be. If youve already begun implementing the earlier chapters, you may now be using your awareness more successfully.
To increase the response-ability you're taking for your life, change your beliefs and values to better reflect your own thinking rather than that of others. To discipline yourself and make considered choices requires a committed alertness to what is going on within you, especially to your own thinking and feelings.
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Meditation is a practice which will alert you to your inner world. It offers you an opportunity to observe your thinking, discomforts, and emotional reactions to life. It also takes you deeper into your own inner reality, and the more you do this, the easier it is to notice when you are not operating from that inner reality, but rather from some expectation that a particular way of behaving is prudent. Allow time to hear the voice from within. Embrace and then discard thoughts that are not aligned with who you want to be.
Self care self-centredness

Experience is not what happens to a man; It is what a man does with what happens to him. Aldous Huxley You may know of people who appear to successfully honour their self ahead of others, but whose lives are ruined by that preoccupation with their self. Such individuals may be narcissistic, anti-social, obsessive, attention-seeking or even paranoid. In other words, their tendency to think of themselves first is actually ruining their lives and relationships, because they cant see past their own reflection, or are hell-bent on looking after number one. However, in such cases, these people are not really honouring themselves, because they are actually caught up in dysfunctional reactions to life. A narcissist, for example, is someone who gets immersed in their own reflection, and has trouble considering the perspective of anyone other than themselves. Someone who is paranoid cant help but worry about their own security first and foremost. Obsessive individuals demand that their desires be met no matter what others may prefer. It is the insecurity of not being the centre of attention that causes attention-seeking behaviours. However, none of these patterns of behaviour is functional, nor creates longterm happiness. None of them are behaving in ways which really support the self, because narcissism, paranoia, obsession, attention-seeking, worrying and the like sets up a distance between ones self and others, and overlooks the inner damage giving rise to such ego-driven behaviour. Reactive emotional and mental processes alert you to damaged parts of your self, not to true inner wisdom.
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Underlying insecurities will appear as grasping, needy, demanding, over the top, or controlling behaviours. Such actions may sustain the dysfunction, but will not meet real underlying needs, or support a strong sense of self. In fact, their existence demonstrates that inner needs are not actually being understood, let alone being met. This is such an important thing to understand that we will discuss it as the next major life choice shortly. Damaged parts of our psyche will give distorted messages about how best to honour our self. Simon was someone who wanted to control his wayward wife because he got nervous when she went off doing her own thing. He limited who she could see, when she could go out, the colours she could put in her hair, and the people she could phone. Simon was paranoid fearful of things he couldnt control, especially in regards to his wife. He certainly looked after number one but he did so in ways that didnt really take care of himself. In fact, his wife eventually left him not for anyone else, but just to escape his constant control. Because Simon was not in touch with who he really was, he was constantly insecure. He was nervous that life would unravel and run out of control. His actions were self-serving, but not self-honouring, and self-understanding. He was so disconnected as to who he really was, that he tried to construct a world around him that would be safe and satisfying, and that would compensate for the insecurities he was so unaware of. I told Simon that the only way to relax and allow life to be as it is, would be to know who he was, and trust that he would always be able to cope with whatever his wife chose to do. Sadly, he was not intra-personally or interpersonally intelligent enough to do this. Now hes a single man again, sad that he has lost his wife and most of the contact he had with his children.
Be fully your authentic self

You do not exist to impress the world. You exist to live your life in a way that will make you happy. Richard Bach Once you have learned to honour, respect, know and appreciate yourself no matter what, you are in a position to accept all thoughts, emotions, values, desires, needs or attitudes that you might discover arising from within. You will also learn to accept the parts of yourself that you had previously felt uncomfortable about. This may be the tendency to swear, enjoy what others may call perverted sex, the desire to be naughty, the desire to pamper ones self, the desire to steal, covet, hate, resent or whatever it is that you have previously found is a part of your self youd rather were not there. Only when you accept and understand these parts of your self, can you ever fully learn why they get you to do what you do. And once this is understood, you can actually consider other options.
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Your bad parts are actually unmet needs in disguise, perhaps needs that others (or you) would disapprove of. Regaining ones power, and becoming fully who you are, is really the process of fully accepting and becoming oneself, because this is the only way to become whole again a complete human being.12
As children we were trained to be what someone else required us to be, so that they could cope with us. We were also very eager to be liked, loved, approved of and so on, so we learned to behave in ways which seemed to ensure security and acceptance, and to judge and deny aspects of the self that could undermine this. Now it is time for you to step out from under the shadow of all those adults in your early life, and fully claim your identity. Honouring yourself, putting your needs first, developing your own values, healing your past, loving yourself and being totally authentic are all part of one package. Being yourself is the only thing you can be good at. Any imitations will not work. Most of us have been raised to doff our caps to authority figures, and the expectations and demands those adults made on us as children. The beliefs about who we are and our place in the world were sculpted into our subconscious at a time when we were unable to make conscious, reasoned choices. I really like this quote from Pablo Casals, who challenges us with his perspective. And what do we teach our children in school? We teach them that two and two makes four and that Paris is the capital of France. When will we teach them what they are? We should say to each of them: You are a marvel. You are unique You have the capacity for anything And when you grow up can you then harm another, who is, like you, a marvel? Honouring your uniqueness and acceptability is a first step towards getting others to do likewise. I remember Irene who argued in her first session with me that she actually was worthless. She didnt just believe this, she insisted; she was in her very essence, worthless. Every moment of the day she demonstrated that she was worthless, she told me. Irene had the belief about being worthless so ingrained into her
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subconscious, that she defined herself by what she saw as a truth. My experience, both personally and professionally, has convinced me that we are living our lives according to these deeply ingrained beliefs, but we cant see them. We dont know what we dont know, but once we uncover these beliefs, we can then separate them out from who we really are. It took a long time before Irene could appreciate that she was conditioned and damaged, not an innately inferior human being.13 A healthy inner self, will never be self-critical or unloving.
Know your true self and be that!

I feel, therefore I am. I think, and then, unfortunately, I feel less. Jeff Saunders The return to being authentic is helped by constantly noticing when we are not being our real or true self.14 Becoming our true self can be a scary journey though, because whenever we return to an authentic way of being, we will experience the intensity of negative emotions we would have experienced as a child had we tried to do that back then. These conditioned emotions will try to pull us back into line. Dare you be your true self, when being a false self seems so much more acceptable? A total acceptance of whatever we find in our inner self (such as thoughts, feelings or desires) is essential if we are to become the god-self again, the empowered human being we are capable of. Abraham Maslow called this highest capacity of humans self-actualization, and considered that in order to achieve it, there must be acceptance and expression of the inner core or self, i.e., actualization of these latent capacities, and potentialities, full functioning, availability of the human and personal essence.15 Young children dont place any requirements on themselves. That nonsense is taught to them by adults.
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Such full functioning demands that we totally accept the energies that arise within us. This includes wounded, vulnerable, selfish, greedy, jealous, shame or angry energy, as much as it does our creative, passionate, fun-loving and spontaneous self. It is a journey of accepting, non-judgmentally, whatever we find within us, warts and all. Not being judgmental isnt the same as being approving and thinking of those inner processes or actions as right, but rather accepting whatever you discover within you as what is neither good nor bad all aspects of the human condition. Notice who you really are, and accept that as being OK, even if it includes imperfections. This, of course, demands that you give up judging yourself. You will have to get rid of all the inner voices which have been telling you how bad, wrong or inadequate you are. These voices have mostly come from other people who made you feel bad because of their own inadequacies or unmet needs, and so part of becoming your authentic self is to push past all of this rubbish that was dumped on you. There are some who may choose to stay tethered to the past, to remain the puppet of those early puppeteers. It may seem more comfortable to have some of your identity, choices and values determined by those others. But to make that choice is like allowing those past puppeteers to live inside your own skin, continuing to hold the strings and control every movement of the puppet. To be wise is to take control of who you are, make your own choices, and be authentically yourself.16 Your true self will emerge as you take notice of what really works well for you. However, if youve read this far into the book, you may be well past allowing others to determine your life direction ever again, and you may by now be determined to set sail in the direction you choose, without interference from others or from parental expectations. My personal experience, though, is that taking full control of ones life is a step-wise process. It may take time to notice when you are following the past or present expectations of others. To live a life that is authentically yours can be like peeling layers off an onion you discover an aspect of your self, make a change, then another, then another. With patience, you will reach your core, empowering yourself bit by bit until you really are in charge of your life in its entirety. Becoming authentic requires you to contact the person you would have been had you never been encouraged to be someone else.
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Your challenge is to be the best you possible

Sometimes it falls upon a generation to be great. You can be that generation. Let your greatness blossom. Nelson Mandela Our challenge, then, is to be the most authentic, real person we can be, and to continue to be the next best version of ourselves we can create. This would be living from our true self. This is not about being perfect or brilliant or any of those ideals of best that we might have been exhorted to personify in school. It is simply about being the person we would love to be, moment by moment, without having to meet the expectations of anyone else, past or present. We are quite capable of reinventing ourselves in this way, without involving any pain, and without developing another false self. (A false self is a persona we have developed in order to play it safe, like being nice when we would have preferred not to be.) Authentic behaviour requires spontaneous and genuine choices in every moment. To live as the authentic, genuine article would be to change ourselves and experience gain without any pain. This would be living as our true self without the need for any other kind of false self. This would be very challenging indeed, because acting from our false self can be a habit weve long become accustomed to. (So perhaps have others who may be resistant to any changes you make to yourself.) We may wonder whether others will like or accept us once we have changed our style, and given up the behaviours that were part of our mask, and perhaps gave them comfort. Until you become your authentic self, you will remain a hostage to your old image, trapped in the persona you have become used to. Richard Bach recommends Be who you are, calm, clear and bright, asking yourself every minute Is this what I really want to do?, doing it only when you answer yes. This turns away those who have nothing to learn from who you are and attracts those who do, and from whom you have to learn as well.17 Love all aspects of self you discover within. Do only that which resonates with what you want to do. Be only that which resonates with who you want to be. Becoming authentic in all areas of your life may push you out of your comfort zone, but you will be richly rewarded. You will discover that by following this natural human tendency toward growth and healthier functioning, anxieties, neuroses, selfdoubts, and all other forms of fear and contracted energy will gradually become less
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and less in your life. To become a happier, more integrated and authentic being is a natural path humans tread when they are sufficiently mentally healthy to maximize their human potential.18 People who commit to personal growth are constantly changing, heading in new directions which enable them to more fully live the life they now want for themselves. Rather than focusing on snuffing out old habits, aware and motivated individuals open up to new and more expansive choices. In my own experience, becoming fully me, and living out of my true self, is a never ending journey, and a very exciting one. I now feel happier, more authentic and fulfilled than ever before in my life, yet I can still see aspects of my true self I want to further develop, and aspects of my false or disowned self I want to release or come to accept.
This journey into increased authenticity requires that I accept and love whatever I discover about myself, because otherwise I will resist what I dont like in me, and that part is therefore more likely to persist and bother me. Once you accept all parts of your self, you can look at them and come to understand the role they have played in your life, and the positive intentions behind developing those aspects of your self. Having observed and understood all aspects of your self, you can let go of what no longer works for you, and further develop those parts that do. Negative aspects of self you resist will persist. Negative aspects of self you ignore youll get more. Negative aspects of self you embrace will erase.
Being the best possible you that you can be also asks you to discover and accept all of your strengths, passions, desires and interests. Not those that someone else said were OK for you to be, but the qualities that arise within you by themselves. Get past the person who pleases others, avoids the life choices the family dont approve of,
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and doesnt get an education because someone convinced them of being stupid, or being dumb. In other words, rather than remaining saddled with distorted viewpoints from people who dumped on you because of their agendas, you must gather evidence about how you function NOW in order to come to a more objective view of yourself. Whichever desires and passions you feel drawn to as being you are qualities that, if developed, will generate greater happiness, and feelings of success and empowerment. My recommendation would be to seriously consider jobs, friendships, community service, or leisure activities that incorporate those qualities you most want to experience in yourself. Do what you love and be who you love being. Then life will flow for you.
You are enough just as you are

It takes a lifetime to learn how to be able to hold your own ground, to go out to others, to be open to them without losing your ground, and to hold onto your ground without shutting others out. Martin Buber I remember the tortuous path Rosemary took to become herself. She claimed that because of the large family she had grown up in, she had never learned to be herself. Always running around after a parent or older brother and sister, she felt constantly obligated to make others happy. Rosemary had already achieved quite a lot in life by the time she came to me. A mother of three children, she had developed a small business manufacturing jewellery. Despite her achievements, she still had difficulty defining who she was, and who she was not. After spending time discovering what she liked doing, where she liked going, who she liked to be with, movies she liked to watch, dreams she had for the future, Rosemary came to appreciate that the energies that created all of these preferences were, in fact, the energy of who she was. When she came to accept herself just as she was, standing back and differentiating her inner energies from the person who once felt an obligation to please others, she was amazed at how straightforward it was to discover who she was and what she wanted to do with her life. She realized that she was living where she wanted to be, with the man she loved, involved in artistic activities she was passionate about. She had arrived, but hadnt realized it.
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Being who you are demands of you to be totally honest about what makes you tick. It involves stripping away the veneer that wants to appear to be a certain person, and is fearful of being someone inadequate, controversial or bad. It requires that you get absolutely straight with yourself, and totally accept whatever you find there. You will need to give up all of the beliefs, values, attitudes and other non-sense that you have acquired from family, religion, society or wherever and that no longer resonate for you as your truth. This is a big clean-out, and one that has the potential to raise guilt, fears and embarrassment as you have the nerve, the temerity, to live your life according to your own inner compass. Get real. Take off all the masks. Accept everything that happens inside of your skin, because whatevers going on is OK . Once you develop a passion for life and what you want to do with it, then you are living out of an authentic sense of self. Then you are empowered. Then you can enjoy the journey of continuing to create your self, by altering what doesnt work to what suits you better. Then you can really go places with your life, because the juicy energies of passion, determination, creativity, imagination and zest for life will arise within you, and youll wonder where theyve been hiding for so long.
Strategies for honouring yourself first

1. Notice and question all tendencies to make any part of yourself bad or wrong. Seek the positive intention behind all thinking or behaviours youve previously been critical of. Feel empathy for the parts of yourself you have previously judged, knowing they developed for a purpose which may now be past its use-by date. For a person on the path to empowerment, self-criticism is an indulgence that cant be tolerated. It is an outmoded parental device to keep you in line. Simply recognize and understand all thoughts or actions which dont seem to serve you, and make alternative choices. As you notice parts of yourself that you would like to alter, make new choices but only because you want to, not because you should. 2. Choose to see all aspects of yourself as simply what is, acknowledging that past history has sculpted the way you now think and behave. Once you detect them, choose to develop the intention to drop all thinking or behaviours that no longer serve you. Especially in relationship with others, come to understand how you operate, and consider options that might enhance the relationship. 3. Learn about and honour who you really are. Feel what you feel, and nonjudgmentally learn what your needs are. Listen to yourself, and find out what you really want to do in your life. Notice what drives you. Be a witness to your desires. Observe how you interact with others, and cultivate a perspective of curiosity about why you operate as you do. As often as possible, tune in to your body and emotions
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and detect signs of stress or discomfort that are warning you to take notice of what is going on within you. 4. Notice when or how you allow the demands, thoughts, ideas, or desires of others to overwhelm your own. You may be giving away your power to others, or taking their power by trying to get them to do as you want. Neither is helpful, empowering or wise. The best way to manage such interactions is to notice what is your truth, and honour this as much as you honour others as you listen to their perspectives. 5. Develop compassion for yourself, recognizing the various elements of abuse youve been exposed to in the past, and how these get reactivated by current circumstances. This is not to say you should wallow in selfpity. It is more that by recognizing your past wounds, especially when a child, you can notice how many of the present dynamics in your life are a re-run of childhood dramas. 6. Notice all strengths and weaknesses in your personality. Determine to support and develop the strengths, and to support and understand any weaknesses without judging them. Strengths are simply characteristics that help enhance your life and relationships. Weaknesses are those traits that tend to undermine your quality of life. Neither are fixed or inflexible. You can make choices at any time about your behaviours, those which you choose to do and strengthen, and those which you wish to release because they are a liability. 7. Notice when you are acting from a false self and when your behaviour doesnt really feel genuine. Choose to act in ways that feel more authentic to you. You may find it scary to be who you really are, but amazingly, most people prefer authentic behaviour, even when it challenges them. You can get away with being yourself as an adult, which might not have been permitted as a child. Nonetheless, you may get emotional reactions (fear, guilt, etc) when you act from your true self. 8. Notice when you ignore or deny any aspect of your thinking or feeling. This is most likely to occur in moments of stress, and you may only recognize these moments when you look back at them. Allow all thoughts or feelings to be present. Notice, watch, understand and learn about yourself. You can then choose to dismiss thoughts that no longer work for you, without condemning or running away from them. 9. Give up being perfect. It creates perfect control freaks, or perfectly boring people. Give up kidding yourself that God or anyone else will like you better for being perfect. Perfectionism is also a global epidemic, and never improved anyones life. Perfectionism, like pleasing others, is driven by either anxiety, guilt or both. Very few lives have ever been enhanced by it, and many relationships have been sabotaged by the unnecessary intrusion of this slave driver.
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10. Notice any negative self-talk. This is another way you may beat yourself up for being less than perfect, and it too has never improved anyone. Choose to stop such nonsense. It is worthless repetition of toxic messages you were either given or developed in childhood. Dont empower those who gave the original messages to you by repeating the legacy they left. You could be maimed for life by them.
Exercise: Ways in which I prioritize myself Use this exercise to measure how well you are honouring and caring for yourself. In particular, decide where you can make changes that will better honour and respect who you are, and the way you want to be. Actions which honour and put self first 1. I listen to what I feel and honour what my feelings tell me to do on my own behalf. 2. I say No when I am asked to do things that conflict with my own best interests. 3. I acknowledge to myself that I must care for myself first before I can successfully care for others. 4. Whenever Im exhausted, stressed or struggling, I make sure I look after myself ahead of anything or anyone else. 5. When Im upset, Im good at looking after myself. 6. I no longer consider myself as bad or wrong. If others do, I compassionately and non-judgmentally support myself. 7. I recognize and accept all parts of myself, including the parts I dont want to acknowledge. 8. I no longer criticize myself, but just notice areas of change that would benefit my life. 9. I know what my needs are because I listen for them. 10. Once I know my needs, I make every effort to get them met. 11. When I make meeting my own needs a priority, I Always Sometime s Never
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do so without guilt or fear of judgment. 12. I do what I want, and avoid what I dont want. I follow shoulds and oughts only if doing them meets a further need of mine. 13. I follow my true self. Im aware of when I behave from my false self. 14. My values are either of my own creation or are values Ive acquired from others, carefully thoughtthrough and have now accepted as my own. 15. I am in charge of my life. No one else tells me what to do. What changes can you make that will empower yourself to be fully in charge of your life and honour who you are and who you want to be? Record your commitments to yourself in Must Do Activities in My Personal Planner at the back of the book.
Lets now consider one of the most important aspects of honouring and knowing your self the ability to recognize and meet needs. The choice to do this becomes the next step to empowerment, because it honours the self in a very practical way, and reduces many destructive emotions that arise when it is not done. Meeting needs often addresses the unmet needs of childhood, which otherwise get us to react to the world in unhelpful ways especially in relationships.
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Meet your own needs and desires
Chapter 13
Choice Eight: Meet your own needs and desires

You won't find your inner truth while analyzing, talking or trying to figure out other people. Charlotte Davis Kasl, Women, Sex & Addiction LAW OF IDENTITY CREATION: We create the energy of self through self-beliefs, self-talk and the way we believe others see us. We then believe and act from this identity. LAW OF BALANCE: When our energy system becomes unbalanced and communicates to us discomfort or pain, meeting needs will return us to balance and health. When our energy system becomes unbalanced and communicates to us discomfort or pain, meeting needs will return us to balance and health. Abraham Maslow, who was one of the first to emphasize the importance of human beings recognizing and meeting their own needs, noted that we knowthat the main pre-requisite of healthy growth is gratification of basic needs. But we also learned that unbridled indulgence and gratification has its own dangerous consequences.1 While it is true that such indulgence may create its own problems, it is more likely that you are inadequately meeting your needs than over-caring for, or indulging, yourself. Much of our childhood training was in meeting the expectations of others, thus learning to ignore or repress our own needs and desires. Institutions we experienced while a child would have very likely reinforced the training that began at home. School, religion, and the familial tribal connections in our lives would all have done their bit to ensure we were following the expectations, and meeting the needs, desires, or values of others. Many cultural institutions are set up for the express purpose of controlling, inhibiting, suppressing and repressing this original nature of man, observed Maslow.2 We all experienced missing out on developmental needs of some sort or other during our childhood, and the legacy of this may have been costly. Many lives
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are ruined when essential childhood needs are not met from the need to have ones existence affirmed, to the need to be adequately loved.3 You are unlikely to know about many of your needs. Youve probably been trained not to notice them. The first step in the direction of creating the reality you want so that your needs, wants and desires are all met is to honour who you are. The easiest way to do this, is by listening to and meeting your own needs whenever you become aware of them. This of course wont happen if you think your reason for existing is to look after everyone, or anyone, else. Consider my own life story. As an adult, I became aware of how I could increase my own personal power, and as a result I progressively met more and more of my own needs. I listened carefully to what my heart was telling me and followed its urgings. Certainly, I took my head along for the ride, and sometimes it came in very handy. However, my heart was in charge. This is when I began stepping out from the safety of the known into uncharted territory. I began training in counselling and psychotherapy and reduced my teaching hours. I added the education system to the scrap heap upon which I had tossed religious beliefs that now made no sense to me. Just as my old religious customs, beliefs and activities were no longer meeting my spiritual needs, I could now see that the school system was not adequately meeting students learning needs. With this change of heart, I could no longer get my needs for meaning and purpose met by working in a school. I saw many youngsters having their needs and desires ignored, and instead being trained to meet those of the institution. The step I was taking felt radical. I was moving out into a new world, and it took me some time to be able to make a satisfactory income in this new environment of self-employment. I was now listening to my own internal rhythm. I was honouring myself by listening to and acting upon my own needs. I chose to step out into the abyss in one jump, leaving the safety of a salary for the uncertainty of selfemployment. Ive known others to make a similar break, but wisely chosen to step out one foot at a time and move gingerly into their new lifestyle while slowly loosening their grasp on the old. This may be useful when you want the transition to be a gradual one, such as developing a self-employed stream of income while still doing some hours in the old job. To fully meet your needs, a change in lifestyle may be required. Opportunities arose for me to partially step back into the school system to share my new ideas on how schools could more functionally meet the needs of both teachers and students. This opportunity definitely satisfied my desire to make a difference there. I was now able to teach others from my own experience. I was walking my talk, which of course inspired others to adopt some of these more empowering approaches in their work with students.
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As I became more aware of my own needs and committed to meeting these, the universe mirrored to me opportunities to get what I was seeking. My choices and intentions were being reflected back to me. I wanted a relaxed lifestyle, reasonable income, a flow of clients not too many or too few, and time to write this book. I also wanted a nicer home, and a partner after living many years without one. These were needs and desires which would give me a comfortable, stimulating and prosperous lifestyle with opportunities to give and receive more love. The more I saw myself living in this way, the more the universe gave me what I was wanting. I had to first tune into my needs, believe they could be met, repeatedly imagine myself having them met and then watch as those needs materialized. I now have all those ingredients I had requested in order for my life to be as I wanted. Be aware of your needs, sitting behind your emotions, waiting to be discovered and acted on. However, at this point, I had stepped up to another level of power. I was now using the universal energy system to increase my personal power. I had moved from climbing the stairs of personal power, to taking the escalator. This is a common theme I hear from others who have also walked the journey towards personal empowerment. Once you become more powerful, the universe mirrors this back to you in the form of empowering experiences and opportunities. This is where success can kick in as you grasp and make the most of these new developments.
Meeting your own needs = functional living

Once individuals recognize their role in creating their own life predicament, they also realize that they, and only they, have the power to change that situation. Irvin Yalom The idea of tuning into, prioritizing, and meeting ones needs is a foreign concept to most people. Yet if we dont do it, our life will soon be out of balance, and our relationships in trouble. Later I will take you through the process of recognizing needs, and what you can do with them, but right now, try asking yourself Am I getting all the love, care, attention, freedom, fun, good health, creativity, and
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enjoyment that I want? This question will introduce you, perhaps, to how much you would really like to enhance your life. One need we commonly dont get met, which gives rise to many others not getting met, is to rid ourselves of wounds and pain from the past. This process of healing is more easily said than done, but ridding ourselves of emotional hurt, resentment, anger, shame, fear, guilt and so on is a useful place to begin. This is a need in all of us, whether or not we recognize it is as such, because many of our old beliefs, emotional wounds and patterns of behaviour can have a limiting effect on our enjoyment of life. Our needs tell us how to more fully be the person we are wanting to be. It can be useful to consider our needs as fitting into two categories. The first are those needs that the human condition requires. Obviously we all need water, food, shelter and warmth to survive, but humans need a great deal more than this. We all have physical, social, intellectual, emotional and spiritual needs, even if we are not aware of them. The fact that we are inadequately meeting our needs may be killing us, as someone who doesnt adequately meet their needs for peace and relaxation discovers when the heart attack arrives. We have needs on so many levels, yet most of us are doing a miserable job of looking after even our basic physical needs. If you are not adequately resting, exercising, keeping fit, keeping regular body habits such as eating regularly, eating healthy food, maintaining a healthy weight, drinking adequate water and avoiding drugs and chemicals, then your body will be slowly breaking down. Research has shown that attending well to these basics is essential if you are to give the built-in intelligence of your body any chance to keep you well and repair damaged tissues. When people overlook the needs of their body by following sedentary habits, having stressful jobs, smoking and drinking excessive alcohol, they force their body into catabolic activity which amounts to slow death. Eventually, when needs are ignored for long enough, the intelligence of the body to heal and repair itself is overwhelmed, and decay and decline set in. The full range of needs required for successfully living in a human body will be explored in detail in a later book in this series, but suffice to say here, your body, if you listen to it, will tell you what it needs.4
Meeting of basic (yet essential) human needs is required for balance and health.
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The second category of needs is those caused by damaging childhood experiences. These manifest in our lives as emotional reactions to daily situations, and many people try unsuccessfully of course to meet these needs by being a Rescuer, Persecutor or Victim. For example a person who grew up believing Im not important may, in their relationships, constantly require validation and assurance that they are wanted and loved, and may feel hurt or angry if this need is not met. If you notice that you have some very demanding needs that you are needy in fact then it is important to detect and own these so that the underlying damage can be healed.5 Otherwise, you may find yourself reacting to other people in ways that sabotage important relationships. It is not our partners job to intuit our needs, or even to meet them, except when we clearly state that we would like their help. Our past is built into cellular memory, so that when stressful events trigger our reactions, our fight/flight response becomes activated, even if there is really no need to fight or flee. It is this that often triggers Control Drama Triangle behaviour. We each carry reactive memories that are capable of unhinging us during our day-today activities. We may be so used to reacting in these habitual ways, that we no longer think of them as peculiar or unusual. However, these take their toll, for every time we react emotionally, we put demands on our body to cope with the tensions generated. Every time we react stressfully, our body is aging, and inching towards disease. We have, therefore, a need to heal past wounds that trigger our reactions, and a need to learn how to cruise through life without being pushed and pulled around by our environment.6 We can discover our needs by noticing when we lose our calm, peace and comfort. Needs then, when they arise, are calling for your attention. Some physical or emotional inner process is demanding that you listen and act. If you dont, you may well finish up blaming someone else for the state you find yourself in. If you do listen and act, you will be taking response-ability for getting yourself a life. One need we each have is to recognize that if others seem to be in charge of our life, then it is we who must act. There is no point in complaining. Others may not share your need, or even understand it. So dont wait around hoping that they might eventually understand what it is you are wanting.
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Use boundaries to reflect your needs

Where I finish and you begin determines who I am. Jeff Saunders When I decided to leave the structure of the church, I was putting up a boundary. I was choosing to stay away from people whose perspectives and beliefs were no longer helpful for me to be exposed to. For me to be thoroughly who I was, I had to say No to those who wanted to promote their religious ideals to me. I was putting up a communication boundary, because I no longer wanted to speak to those people whose perspectives and beliefs were no longer relevant to me. Of course I still met some of my former friends socially, but I made it clear that I was not interested in discussing their religion. When you learn to say No, you are not being horrible, coarse, blunt, cold, uncaring or unwelcoming. You are simply stating what does and doesnt work for you an essential skill if you are to ever have a life. The only persons needs that we know intimately are our own, and those are the only ones we can be assured of meeting. Obviously helping others is a supportive and compassionate thing to do, but not at your own expense - unless the circumstances are extreme such as when the needs of children, or the injured, or the frail are paramount. In general, looking after the needs of others ahead of yourself is rescuing, and a recipe for burnout, resentment, anger or Victim emotions. You are teaching others how to treat you each day. Teach them to treat you badly, and they will. Teach them to treat you respectfully. There are several perspectives in regards to boundaries that I think are useful to adopt. If well utilized, they will assist you to meet your needs. 1. Question any belief that others are the cause of your life. Blaming is inherent to most cultures, but doing this will keep you stuck. Other people are just being themselves, so dont waste time blaming them for being human. Initially I felt annoyed with religion, because I felt I had been manipulated and controlled. However, I freed myself from all of this when I realized that religion is just people being human, and it is unrealistic for me to expect them to be rational, wise, insightful, or to have my perspectives and beliefs. The human condition is one that is limited. None of us are omnipotent or omniscient. Nothing was being done to me (except in as much as I allowed it) so I stopped feeling aggrieved and a Victim. We all have a need to become empowered. We all have a need to know that the buck stops with us.
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I also chose not to spend time with people who were excessively negative, those whose lives seemed to be drifting, and those with whom I felt unable to talk about my own journey. I made sure also that I stopped being so sickeningly nice, and learned to tell others when I was unhappy with their behaviour, or just plain angry with them. Erecting that boundary took me many years, because I had to deal with the anxiety that I wouldnt be liked, or could get myself into conflict, when I chose to be real and honest. As I became better at putting up boundaries with those people, places and problems that I did not like or that did not serve me, I found I could relax. Eventually, I didnt have to feel threatened by the energies of others or obstacles. I found I could take down my inner barricades, and simply walk through them. I learned that when my intentions were clear, and I knew what did or didnt work for me, I didnt have to treat anyone or anything as the enemy I just stepped aside and let what I didnt want to be part of pass. You may choose to disconnect yourself from outer realities you no longer want in your life. 2. Drop boundaries that are no longer serving you. In order to honour yourself, you will have to explore the needs youve been ignoring inside your own skin. Have you cut yourself off from your body, from some of your emotions, or from some of the thoughts you have perhaps those you have deemed bad? One of our needs is to be open and honest with all aspects of the self. This may mean opening to, then dropping, the disgust we have with aspects of our body, opening to, and understanding, our preferred methods of sexual expression, or allowing our darkest thoughts to see the light of day. Whenever we have split off, ignored, or denied parts of our self, we have drawn an arbitrary line in our mind. This we can erase any time. When you think about it, how absurd it is that we have kept parts of ourselves at arms length, simply because somewhere along the way we (perhaps convinced by others) decided they were bad or wrong. You can, in fact, expand your awareness or understanding of your self simply by moving this mentally constructed line. As Ken Wilber so eloquently explains, What you are actually doing is drawing a mental line or boundary across the whole field of your experience, and everything on the inside of that boundary you are feeling or calling your self, while everything outside that boundary you feel to be not-self. Your
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self-identity, in other words, depends entirely upon where you draw that boundary line. 7 Because we each have a need to be a complete person, removing unhelpful boundary lines becomes a priority. If we do not drop these internal boundaries, we become split, and none of us functions well when there are bits of our self we do not accept. In fact, it is the process of people getting caught in that internal split that generates business for me as a psychotherapist!
3. Expand your boundaries to encompass more. By shifting some boundaries that youve put around your life, you can open up to new and exciting experiences. Most people have no idea that theyve circumscribed their life, and have thus limited what is possible for them to experience. When I reflect on my life, I realize that I have often had an anxiety about having to live successfully as an individual. This anxiety has been like a low hum buzzing in the background of my life. I have had to make money, ensure I was liked, felt an inner pressure to be good at my work, and compete in what often seemed at times an unfriendly world. My struggle, not that I ever really recognized it as such, was caused by my perception that I was separate from others, and that ultimately I could only rely on myself. Basically, I was not trusting in the process of life, so had to be on guard in case something went wrong. I can now see how I made myself separate by choosing anxious perspectives. I had chosen to meet my needs alone, rather than in concert with others. I could have chosen to live in a community where people really did care for each other. I could have chosen to feel connected to many other lovely people, to animals, to plants, to the earth as a whole. I could have noticed how supportive of me my friends and colleagues were willing to be. In recent times, I have chosen different perspectives, and so feel more and more connected to the world I live in. I allow myself to feel the energy of a beach or forest, and notice how that affects me. I allow myself to feel the love that arises when I watch children playing, or a cat being a cat. What I used to perceive as out there and a potential threat, I now allow myself to experience as in here and within my control to relate to as I wish.8 I have expanded my boundaries around what I should wear, who I wanted to spend time with, which movies I would see, places I would like to visit, jobs I might try. Once I came to appreciate how limited my world view and world experience was, I was able to open up to new opportunities. This didnt
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mean exposing myself to experiences that simply didnt resonate with me it was more about taking some risks to try out more that life offered. Allow yourself to experience aspects of out there as an in here phenomenon.
As you can see, we can become strangers to ourselves and by ourselves if we do not address imbalanced boundaries. What is really sad, is that we restrict the quality of our life and limit our personal power with these contracted attitudes. Choosing to honour your self by opening up to all of your needs is therefore a significant step towards developing personal power.
Your desires reflect who you are

Desire creates the power Raymond_Holliwell When I was eight, I wanted to be in a youth group. When I was eleven, I wanted to be the youth group leader. By sixteen, I had learned that I loved working in youth groups, and so they became a prime focus in my life for almost the next decade. At nineteen, I became a Boys Brigade company captain, after having achieved most of the awards and promotions open to me at that time. Even when I was studying at university in my early twenties, I preferred my leadership roles to study, and unfortunately my grades reflected this. When I eventually graduated, I sought to become a school teacher, where I could continue my passion for working with young people. Eventually, though, my enthusiasm for teaching the curricula of the day waned, and I decided that my energies could be more usefully employed in helping people improve the quality of their lives. Initially I worked predominantly with youth in the roles of counsellor, mentor, and educator and then later with adults. What I was doing in each of these steps through my life, was becoming the person I next wanted to be. I was following my desires. As I look back on these steps, I can see that once I had achieved one desire, I sought others to replace it. I was constantly seeking to become better and better, and more and more complete, versions of myself. Your desires for creativity, fun and passion will change and grow throughout your life.
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This pattern holds true for everybody. It is through our desires and passions in life that we express not only our creativity, but who we are. When I was drawn to being a teacher and a leader at a very young age, I was simply being who I was. This didnt take any thought or planning I simply followed my desires. The same is true for all of us. If you listen to what you feel, and dont think too much about it, you will notice passion rising within you, beckoning you to seek fun, excitement, love, creativity, adventure, meaning or purpose. When you listen to and follow these inner energies, you are addressing your needs. If you ignore them, or take insufficient time to feel them, then you are ignoring your needs. These desires that arise from within are unique to you no-one else knows what they are, or what they are telling you. When you desire, something in you resonates with what is desired. Those feelings are telling you about you. I often have people coming to see me because they dont know where they should be going with their life, or what it is they are here to do. Others are unsure about what sort of relationship they want, or are unsure about whether the one they are in is serving them well. The answers to all of these dilemmas lie within. Our needs and desires between them will tell us what we do or dont want from life. The key thing is to feel what your inner energies are telling you. What are you drawn towards or repelled by? What takes your fancy or bores you? What sort of people, occupations, environments do you desire, and which do you never wish to experience? It is through lifes contrasting experiences that you learn who you are, and who you are not. Just as you dont have to try being a friend to everyone to learn who you most like being friends with, so too you dont need to try every job in order to know which one would work best for you. Feelings will tell you what or who you are drawn to, and what or who you dont ever want to experience. When you are in tune with your passion and desire, you will know what you want. By listening to your feelings, you will always be alerted to your needs or desires. People who are very emotionally aware, can intuit what is best for them just by listening to possible alternatives, by meeting people, or by visiting particular environments. They know from intuitive feelings that arise within just what is best for them in any situation. Be aware of how you feel. Then youll know your needs or desires.
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To know your needs and desires is to know who you are. Even though there is an aspect of the self that lies beyond mind and emotion, initially it is our feelings that tell us most about how we tick.
Strategies to help meet your needs and desires

1. Consider those needs you know you meet well and regularly physical, emotional, mental, intellectual, recreational, or spiritual. Recognize the extent to which you already care for yourself by doing things in support of what you know or feel is beneficial. Recognize also needs or desires that somehow dont get attended to, even though you know they are there. 2. Become aware of how you feel. Unpleasant feelings tell you that either there is a need for you to change your thinking, a need to support yourself, or a need to change something in your life. Emotions can also be used to detect your beliefs. If you react to situations, you may find that you are reacting because your perspective or belief is being triggered. This is especially important in relationships, where most arguments are generated by clashes of needs, desires, beliefs or values. 3. Notice how you may please others, work hard, and have all pigs flying in formation before listening to your own body and meeting its needs. Consider taking more breaks, drinking more water, creating greater variety in your life, having more down time, and allowing yourself time out when stressed or in conflict. If you become proficient at recognizing your needs and desires, and act to support these, you will become less stressed, healthier and more at peace with yourself. 4. Always consider what you need, desire or prefer. Allow no-one to discourage your own knowing about what works best for you. You may not always get what you need or desire, but at least you can know what it is that would enhance your life should you be able to get it. We can usually cope with not always getting our own way. But if we dont even know what our needs and desires are, we cant even begin to get a life. 5. Recognize any tendency to surrender your own needs, desires or preferences to those of others without first consulting yourself about whether putting others before yourself is wise, helpful, and a win-win option. Help others only once you are sure you have considered your own interests, and have decided that you can live with the consequences without being stressed. If your habit has been to please others or to rescue them (a global epidemic I would have to say), notice that you also have needs, and that considering those first is your prime responsibility. You may still do things for others first (especially children, or those in crisis), but you must also take your own desires and needs seriously, and act on them. 6. Whenever you are worn out, stressed, anxious, depressed, out of sorts, bored or cant be bothered, then you have overlooked a personal need. At such times, learn
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how to look after and perhaps even treat yourself. Stress, anxiety created illness, exhaustion, a lowered immune system and a raft of medical problems are caused by an inability or unwillingness to meet needs. Notice if you are fitting your needs around the day, rather than the day around your needs. Whenever you are feeling out of sorts, dont keep pushing yourself. Listen to what your body or emotions are telling you, and act on those promptings. 7. Take time to nurture and care for yourself. Treat yourself regularly, as you would encourage your best friend to do. Too many people overlook caring for themselves, their loved ones, and their relationships. It is easy to get life out of balance, and fail to spend sufficient time with loved ones, exercising, doing nothing, giving yourself a treat, sharing a treat with others. Imbalance leads to illness and/or unhappiness. Check that all of your really important needs are attended to.
Learn to be caring and compassionate towards yourself. Try accepting, forgiving, honouring, respecting, liking yourself, even if or when youve made mistakes or hurt others. This, in fact, is the most important need of all, and perhaps the one least often attended to. Sadly, most cultures do not support this as a priority, or even know how it can be done. For that reason, I revisit this important topic elsewhere in this series.
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Exercise: Your Essential Needs The table on the next page offers an opportunity for you to assess how well you are meeting your own needs. Test how well you are caring for yourself by reading aloud each of the statements, and noticing what your emotional reaction is telling you. I recognize and meet the needs I have for. Always 1. my body to have good food, regular water, lots of sleep, exercise, a balanced and drug-free lifestyle 2. financial security by generating sufficient income, living within a budget, saving and investing for the future, getting professional advice, setting financial goals 3 my mind to be optimistic, visionary (creative), to have healthy stimulation (reading uplifting books etc), and be worry free, obsession free, depression free, rumination free & free of negative thoughts 4 emotional stability by owning and fully feeling all emotional states, expressing them appropriately, controlling them if needed, listening to what they tell me, acting in support of my self 5 grounded values and beliefs by removing all unhelpful ones, consciously creating those I live by based on my needs or those of others, and adopting those that will add to my happiness 6. erecting or removing boundaries as appropriate by not blaming self or others, avoiding Control Drama Triangle behaviour, by not owning others problems, by not giving others my problems, by looking after my needs and honouring myself first 7. quality relationships by taking full responsibility for their functioning by communicating well, listening well, owning my problems, acting on the feelings of myself and others, and by understanding the interpersonal dynamics involved 8. developing a quality vocation and life purpose for myself by loving what I do, planning my career direction, and ensuring my career follows my passion and helps me grow Sometimes Never
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9. a quality spiritual life by investigating the purpose of my life, by being well connected to my inner self, by tuning in to body/mind/life/world, and by creating a spirited vital life 10. creating my life by planning my life purpose, consciously creating the reality I want, and realizing my life is entirely my creation Note in My Personal Planner those areas in your life where you want to better meet your own needs.
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Chapter 14
Choice Nine: Develop your own personal values & moral code
Truth is within ourselves, it takes no rise from outward things, whateer you may believe. There is an inmost centre in us all, where truth abides in fullness. Robert Browning LAW OF IDENTITY CREATION: We create the energy of self through self-beliefs, self-talk and the way we believe others see us. We then believe and act from this identity. LAW OF BELIEF CREATION: Perspectives repetitiously held in the mind create a unique version of reality and ultimately our beliefs. We then use these beliefs to interpret our world. It is natural for all of us to use values to determine how to make the best choices in life. We perform better, and feel more secure, when we have a framework of values which provide focus, direction and boundaries. Amorality or apathy, hopelessness or cynicism can be a consequence of having no clear internal guidance system. It is healthy to question concepts of what seems right and wrong or good and bad to you, but unhelpful to have no position at all when decision-making time arives.1 Many of our values and beliefs about right and wrong have their origins in institutional and social structures that use the fear of being bad or wrong as forms of control.2 We must let go of this madness, and begin to be sensible about the human condition, and what being human means. For example, almost all religions are repressive about many sexual behaviours, implying or even stating that some of these, despite being conducted in private with no-one being hurt physically or emotionally, should be considered evil, bad, wrong or sinful. But as Abraham Maslow notes, if humanness is accepted and loved, then many local, ethnocentric
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Develop your own personal values & moral code
problems simply disappear. To take only one example, seeing sex as intrinsically evil is sheer nonsense from a humanistic point of view. 3 Most peoples minds are not their own. Rather, theyre a copy of someone elses.
Indeed, Maslow asserted that psychological health is only possible when we accept, love and respect this essential core of self. That means that we have to accept the way we are, and give up on this bizarre habit we have of judging all the little bits we think should be better. Such self-acceptance would enable you to integrate notions of good and bad you might previously have had about yourself. In fact, in my view, and that of others, the degree to which you have accepted all aspects of the self into an acceptable whole is an indication of the extent to which you have acquired a higher level of mental and emotional health.4 Develop your own values based on sound reasoning and intuitive knowing. Dont assume others have a direct line to truth which you are missing. When, as a young man, I left the environment where my values about right and wrong seemed neatly defined, I began to view the world from my heart. It made no sense, for example, that two people must not have sex together, because they were not married, not of the same faith, not of different genders, and so on. My heart told me that love and its associated qualities such as truth, honesty, respect, loyalty and the like should be the factors that determine what was right for me. Bit by bit I let go of the many right/wrong beliefs I had acquired in my family, the church and society. In fact, right/wrong, good/bad made less and less sense to me. This made it even more difficult for some others to relate with me. The advantage for me as I changed my thinking, though, was that external viewpoints had less and less control over my perspectives, feelings and actions. I was on a roll. I was becoming the architect of my life from the inside out.
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Question the logic and validity of your beliefs. Many were imported from others! Many also bear no relation to any factual 'truth'.
Determine your own truth

Risk! Risk anything! Care no more for the opinions of others, for those voices. Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth. Katherine Mansfield We develop beliefs and distorted perspectives about life from birth. We dont see the world as it is, but rather through the lens of what we have been trained is right and wrong.5 In terms of becoming more powerful, though, the step required here is to recognize that you have many beliefs, and that they are not necessarily related to truth. In fact, you can be sure that some of the beliefs, values and moral codes you have developed are more closely related to your background conditioning than any truth. Because people will die for what they perceive is the truth, it is important to sort out just what is, or what isnt, worth dying (or killing) for. In fact, it is worth determining just how much these rather dodgy beliefs and perspectives are directing your life. 6 Sit with and embrace the guilt and anxiety that arise, trying to warn you of the terrible consequences of breaking old conditioning. Only when you question these sacred cows (do you believe cows are sacred?) can you begin to develop your own ethical or moral code. Most people I help scrutinize their beliefs are amazed at how many they have acquired that are no longer useful in their life. To shake off the authority of parents, society and religion is not for the fainthearted. Guilt and anxiety will be there in ample abundance as you wrestle with the enormous numbers of interesting perspectives that you picked up as a child. As Stephen Covey explains, proactive people are driven by values carefully thought about, selected and internalized values. 7 Develop values and a moral code, which truly and uniquely reflects who you really are.
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One of the causes of poverty in the world is that unsound choices are based on unsound values, which also generate unsound moral codes. For example, corruption is based on a fear of scarcity, and so people ruin the lives of others in order to have power, be in control, and have enough. It is well recognized that corruption makes it virtually impossible for people in third world countries to escape the poverty trap. Thus, these self-serving values and morals lead to death, disease and endless poverty. Basically, flawed lives are caused by flawed thinking, and flawed thinking is usually caused by flawed perspectives. Such thinking generates faulty beliefs. As Edward de Bono, the man who is world renowned for his expertise about how we use our minds, has observed about 85% of ordinary thinking is a matter of perception. Most of the faults in thinking are faults of perception and not faults of logic. 8 If you believe that you should get whatever you can from whoever you can in whatever way possible, you will be happy to be corrupt, coercive, deceitful and self-serving like others who subscribe to values which are grasping. If you believe that others are more deserving or powerful than you, you can also be sure of having a miserable existence, by giving away your power. These perspectives will give rise to choices which are based on separatist thinking either you get fed or I do, either you succeed or I do, either you hold power or I do. Basically, this thinking is law of the jungle thinking either you survive or I do, so Ill ensure its me, even if you have to die as a result. Similarly, if I dont believe Im of any worth, Ill give up my birthright to abundance because I feel more comfortable being poor or inconsequential. This is also scarcity thinking, assuming that lack is the norm, and abundance can only come from disadvantaging someone else, or being disadvantaged. Thus, limited perspectives or beliefs about the best way in which to survive or succeed lead to actions which lack a sound moral code inclusive of others, or are predicated on limiting beliefs about abundance. It is this combination of unhelpful perspectives generating unhelpful beliefs which gives rise to distorted values and morals. These in turn lead to choices that result in poverty, passivity or aggression.
Poverty, passivity and aggression arise from faulty beliefs and perspectives. The only way to escape into the sunshine is to change perceptions and beliefs to those that are inclusive, win-win, altruistic, optimistic and cooperative, leading to values and morals that support everyone. There will also be benefit in escaping the dominant limiting belief patterns that pervade your culture or family of origin. When
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people can see how supportive, cooperative and inclusive actions lead to win-win for everyone, behaviours will change and uplift everyone, both socially and economically. 9 When people feel safe that there will be enough, they can become creative, imaginative and take risks in the way they think. One of the reasons there is so little poverty in the west is not because of the money given to help the poor. Its because so many people can look around and see abundance being created by successful people. The model, or blueprint, for success is very visible. So, also, are opportunities to join in on that success. Abundance can be enjoyed by everyone by way of beautiful shops and malls, seeing expensive items, visiting or seeing expensive homes and so on. Seeing influences believing, which in turn influences creative action. When the common people can see what is possible, they can imagine aspiring to greater heights also. These positive expectations and imaginations create their own reality, as we will discover when the tools for creating abundance are explained in chapter 17. Many people in impoverished nations embrace religious thinking which frequently espouses disempowerment, personal inadequacies, and personal impotency. Much religious thinking touts the notion that someone else is in charge, someone else should be obeyed, someone else is right, and someone else has all the answers to everything from how to get salvation to how to have sex. The beliefs promoted by authority figures who exercise control over the minds of the common people eliminate the possibility of those people ever taking full responsibility for their own lives. Much religious dogma convinces people that they are inadequate, wrong, bad, irresponsible and must be 'good' if they are to get their needs met, enjoy life, or get to heaven.10 I am amazed that in the 21st century, such ignorance still abounds on our planet. Flawed thinking produces flawed experiences. Flawed self-belief produces flawed happiness.
Determine to create your own unique values

Your philosophy is a way of looking at the universe that guides you in daily life. You probably wont find it in textbooks. Richard Bach Alistairs story illustrates the key role of personal values. Alistair thought he was gay, and this was enough to have him contemplate suicide. He constantly thought about how he would have to conceal his secret from family and friends, and probably live in the country where he could more easily live while concealing this terrible truth. Alistair was in an extremely depressed and anxious state by the time he had the courage to make an appointment to see me, and he wanted to ensure that none of his fellow lawyers knew about his visit. Alistair had worked himself into a state of paranoia, worrying about how others might find out, and keeping an eye on their movements to ensure his secret was secure.
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However, as Alistair further explored his problems, some other truths began to emerge. He had first come to the conclusion he must be gay when some curiosity led him to explore websites that promoted gay sex. At 26 years of age, he had never been at all interested in homosexuality, and so had not taken the trouble to investigate it. He found that his reaction to this exploration was one of shock, horror, and even worse, a morbid and obsessive curiosity. In fact, the more he thought about it, the more compelled he felt to keep exploring. Yet the more he thought about it, the more he feared that he must be gay. He had now started to look at men in a different way, but did not appreciate that his obsessive preoccupation and fear had together propelled him into this new interest, which he interpreted as being an emergent homosexuality. After just a couple of sessions, Alistair began to get the whole issue into a better perspective. He had grown up in a very conservative family that had rigid views about many things. This had resulted in Alistair developing a very strong sense of right and wrong, good and bad, the way to be, the way not to be, and what was acceptable or not acceptable in his family. Like anyone growing up in an atmosphere of this sort, Alistair had little awareness of those parts of his self that were unacceptable and that he had split off from his personality, or of the false self that had developed in order to appease others. In other words, the Alistair that was talking to me was the young man his parents had given him permission to be. Of course, one of the things that Alistair had not been permitted to be was gay. Not only his parents, but also his sizeable extended family was, in Alistairs estimation, homophobic. You are not in this world to live a life ordained by others. Alistair had grown up very anxious that he be the person his parents wanted. This had created a very anxious person who became quite obsessive about right and wrong, anxious about how others would experience him, and obsessive also about what was acceptable or not in others. Just as he had been extremely alert to avoid potential hurt from his parents demands or expectations, he now found himself hyper-vigilant about the behaviours of others. He recognized, for example, that he had been paranoid about his girlfriends cheating on him, and if he suspected anything, could not stop obsessive, anxious thoughts about infidelity. What was most interesting about Alistair was that his difficulties had originated from very strict, unyielding parents creating a mind in their son that had a very black-and-white view about right and wrong. Alistair had grown up with such
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strong values that he was now imprisoned by them. What is more, he had also taken on the very obsessive thinking style his father displayed, which meant that he thought obsessively about whether he was acceptable or not. Paranoia, obsessive thinking, and rigid values had created a cocktail that was running and ruining his life.
Alistair was in desperate need of a more flexible, forgiving, and functional way to view the world, and one that determined values by the functional way they met needs. It was not easy for him, though, to open up his mind and explore the world from this different standpoint. It required that rather than judge or criticize, that he be open to how others lived their lives, and then review those mindsets that worked best. This he found very challenging, because no one in his extended family modelled such flexible thinking. Alistair had to blaze a new trail, and he found this very daunting. After all, the parents in his head were not going to easily give up criticizing him whenever he stepped out of the bounds they had locked him into. It took quite some time for Alistair even to begin walking down this path. Yet, he realized that he must do so, because otherwise his very limited code of values and morals would lock him into behaving according to his parental wishes for the rest of his life. Your values, beliefs, rules, morals, may have been the constructs of others, whose intention it was to keep you under their control in the name of some admirable cause or supposed authority.
Do you want to live by rules or by integrity?

Who to himself is law no law does need, offends no law, and is a king indeed. George Chapman Developing your own moral code can be a very scary thing to do. I have known a number of clients who have had a background of very conservative values or rules by which they have felt obliged to live their lives. Most have felt very fearful about dropping these God-given or parent-given edicts. One told me that the new-found freedom she was experiencing felt like moral anarchy. It was as if she thought her behaviours would run riot once the lid was lifted. She not only felt guilty and feared being judged for being so liberated, but was afraid she might start behaving in uncontrolled ways that would be totally unacceptable (to whoever she believed was doing the judging, I guess).
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Entire nations experience this problem. Repressive regimes, once removed, can be replaced by another government, which also enforces many rules. The populace accepts this because being and feeling controlled is within their comfort zone, even though at times they may complain about it. If a government is sanctioned by conservative religious authorities who are perceived by the populace to be Gods representatives, then the strict moral code is even more welcomed. The people believe that Gods will is being done, and so their suffering is honourable and might even be later rewarded. Habits or fears, then, may also keep people stuck in the old ways. When Afghanistan was freed from the rule of the Taliban regime in 2002, many of the women who had been obliged to cover themselves totally when out in public continued to do so. Many who had not been permitted to listen to music continued to enforce that rule on themselves. They had been told by the regime and conservative religious authorities what the rules were, and so the practice continued long after a more liberal regime was in power. The values and morals of others can keep you bound. Your prison may have no walls, but you will be chained nonetheless. For me, there was a period of feeling in no mans land as I questioned religious, moral and other values I had taken for granted as a child and adolescent. I was seeking to integrate my new perspectives and needs in order to develop integrity about how I was functioning. I grew in personal power as I questioned the validity of others rules, ideas, opinions, life styles, and norms. Many of the old ways held no interest for me anymore. I was now being drawn to individuals also living from their own personal power base, because this made it safer for me to be who I really was. I was developing integrity, and was entering a new stage of personal power development. Integrity develops when our beliefs, needs, values, feelings and actions become aligned, and are each decided on by our self. People of integrity are committed to acting on what they believe. However, this is really only possible if these values are their own, not those inherited from someone else. Whenever we live the values of others, we are not aligned with our true self. We are also not aligned when we ignore our needs in order to pursue inherited values. You might consider which of your values and behaviours are matched with your needs, and which are not. To be able to contact and live from your true self, you must be able to reflect on
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who you are, and what works best for you. This means taking the time to go within, without fear of what you might discover there. Anyone who has made their mark on the world has done this, because you cant access creativity and passion until you can explore and accept your self, and use these insights to generate a sense of integrity and life purpose.11 Only your inner world, your deepest wisdom, will tell you which values and moral codes to adopt.
The non-alignment of values, needs and actions ruins peoples' lives, and assigns them to a powerless existence. A common example would be a person who stays in a marriage because of a value that says I made vows that I would be with this person until death do us part and so I must honour that. However, if this person has a need to care for themselves by getting out of an abusive relationship, or to express themselves without someone else controlling their every move, they would be denying their needs if values kept them from leaving. Whenever this mis-alignment of inner reality occurs, we are not living with integrity. The effects will be loss of empowerment and unhappiness. At worst, living a lie can cost us our health and possibly our life. You will behave in ways which sit well with you when your values, beliefs, morals and needs are aligned. The most functional values are those derived from needs. If, for example, you believe that children should be seen and not hurt because that is their need and fundamental right, then you will adopt values about child rearing that mirror that perspective. If you know that you have a need to speak out on matters important to you, then free speech will be an important value. The most powerful values, then, are those built on the firm foundation of getting essential needs met.
Great people create unique needs-based values

Your first responsibility is to be yourself honestly and fully. Abraham Maslow According to Holocaust survivor and psychologist Victor Frankl, there are three core types of values that we develop in life. The first are those which relate to how we choose to respond to life, which he called experiential values. The second he called creative values, those that we create for ourselves through our own reflections on
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life. Finally, there are attitudinal values, which we develop in response to challenging life situations.12 Frankl considered that attitudinal values were the most significant and powerful because they are born in the fires of direct and perhaps intense experience. Consider the needs of yourself and others. Then form values based on these.
I have found that when the chips are down and I am facing big challenges, the values I have already formed the creative ones have been like beacons which have guided me through the rough times. Having these already in place has made it easier for me to develop sound attitudinal values those that will support me to cope should unforeseen challenges arise. Having established creative and attitudinal values, it is easier for me to know when to erect or honour boundaries such as when to say 'No', or when to accept 'No' from others. As an example, when my best friend was dying, I was able to speak to her about all sorts of spiritual matters because we had already talked about our understanding of what life is about, and what follows death. I had developed these values over many years as I read accounts of after-death experiences from patients hypnotized into their experiences between lives, or those returning from near-death experiences. I had also studied what advanced spiritual teachers from many traditions had to say about the topic. So as my friend lay dying, I was able to relate the changes in consciousness she was going through to this learning. I was also able to learn from the process she went through, and reflect on how I might have dealt with this experience had it been my time. This provided an opportunity for me to consider the values by which I was living my life, and reflect on my priorities. It is often at such intense emotional times that we come to see our most important values those we want to make sure we cherish in life. I recognized how much I prized the values of living each day fully, spending time with those I love, having fun, and connecting with the core of my inner being regularly. Values created through introspection about life prepare us for events in which we might need them in a hurry. Frankls suggestion is that you create your own values based on your (and others) needs so that your values reflect the attitudes a particular situation invites. This means that you will generate your own values in regards to trust, loyalty, honesty,
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truth, integrity, and so on. All of these values which act as guides throughout your life must be based on what makes sense, what works, what is helpful, what is wise, and what honours both you and when appropriate, others. Do not be deterred if your carefully considered values are at odds with those of others, or if they draw criticism.
Remember that those with the highest values in any society have had to rise above the mediocrity around them. Great leaders like Mahatma Gandhi, Te Whiti O Rongomai, Florence Nightingale, Mother Theresa, Nelson Mandela or the Dalai Lama have all evolved values based on their own attitudes, and in turn have been influenced by their own personal observations of human needs, both their own and others. Consider the following words of Mahatma Gandhi: Your beliefs become your thoughts. Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your values. Your values become your destiny. It is therefore easy to develop your own beliefs, thoughts and finally values provided you have the courage to be unique and at odds with others. Awareness, keen observation of human activity, an understanding of human needs, a flexible mind and belief system, and an intention to become your own person will blend together to enable you to develop unique, uplifting and inspiring values. They may not get the approval of those around you, but you will know they come from that place where your truth resides. When my needs, values and beliefs match I am at peace with myself.
Take time - tune in find out who you are

The riches that are in the heart cannot be stolen. Russian Proverb Jane, for example, had done years of personal work on herself, but still got stuck in two areas maintaining her power in relationships, and knowing what to do with her
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life. Although an intelligent and seemingly successful woman, she yearned for a meaningful career, and a relationship in which she was respected, valued and treated as special. Janes problems boiled down to not being sufficiently aware of how she ticked what she loved to do, loved to be, and how to prioritize these over and above being nice and giving to others. I asked Jane to keep a record of what she liked and disliked in each day of her life. I asked her to note when she was irritable or dissatisfied, to tune in to those emotions, and detect what they were inviting her to do in support of herself. Even if she came to realize they were telling her to leave work and go to the beach, my instructions were to keep a track of these preferences. It wasnt too long before she had tuned in sufficiently to realize that she wanted to help or heal people in wholistic ways using complementary medicine. Part of her was nervous about the training this might require, and that anxiety had been a block that had prevented her from fully exploring such an option earlier. On the relationship front, she learned that she must begin looking after her own needs and preferences before saying Yes to everybody elses. This brought up fears of being rejected, just as had happened when in her childhood she followed parental edicts rather than risk stating what she wanted. For Jane, the journey was about being honest with herself, no matter what emotions that brought up. She finished counselling with me, determined that when another man entered her life, she was going to be very clear about what she wanted from the relationship, and not compromise her needs for his yet again.
When you finally hear your own needs and desires clearly you finally know your priorities and what is important to you.
Strategies for developing true self values

1. Question all the beliefs and values you follow that dont feel quite right. If you feel discomfort when discussions or actions require you to display your beliefs or values, then a part of you is alerting you to the need to change something. Following the beliefs or values of others will become progressively uncomfortable or seem irrational once youve become committed to developing inner integrity. 2. Notice how many activities in your life are determined by beliefs in rules or rewards. Many religious beliefs include some sense of reward if they are followed. These rewards are often just control devices. If you are unsure about this, ask for
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evidence that God decreed them. (Ensure that the evidence presented is not also based on another belief, such as a scripture being referred to as evidence.) Such beliefs do not come from within, therefore living these beliefs means that you are not actually in charge of your own life. Free will seems to be a fundamental design built into existence on this planet, and that is evidence enough for me that it is up to each of us to live from our own creativity. My suggestion is to follow your own needs and values, and use wisdom to determine the most functional way to live your life. 3. Question all beliefs or values based on what is right/wrong or good/bad. These are constructs which originate from authority figures, and you may have acquired them because you figured there was a need to submit to that authoritys control. Black and white, or dualistic thinking, is, to my mind, a malaise of epidemic proportions. People seem so bound to this sort of thinking, that their lives are plagued by guilt and anxiety. Follow your own wisdom, and above all, seek its guidance about right/wrong and good/bad thinking. Choose to live according to what works best, is loving, and is mentally healthy. 4. Notice whenever your life is plagued by guilt or anxiety about what others think or say, or any shoulds, should nots, musts, or must nots that creep into your thinking or language. These are all indicators that your life is bound by rules created by someone else, or an obligation to put yourself second. Determine to support yourself to erase shoulds and replace them with wants. Choose to honour your own needs, values, insight and wisdom. If it seems that others think you are selfish, narcissistic or deluded, seek a second opinion from someone whose wisdom you can trust. This last step may take you a while, so dont rush it! 5. Construct new values based on what works, is useful, is rational, is helpful, is wise or meets the needs of you or others. Again, it is not easy to follow your own counsel when you are unused to doing so, but with some practice, you will become used to listening to that inner voice that tells you of your own truth and knowing. Keep noticing whether your values are soundly based on factual evidence or on unsubstantiated beliefs. Develop clear intention about what you want your values, and therefore moral code, to be. 6. Ensure also that the values you hold are aligned with your needs. If you have a need (say for sex, fun, spontaneity, variety, leisure) and a value stops you from meeting that need, check that the value is functional and helpful, and not based on good/bad or right/wrong thinking. Continue to notice any clashes that arise between needs you have (eg to have sex with someone you love, change career, change friendships) and the values you have (eg I shouldnt be having sex with that person, I should keep to the career that is paying me well, I shouldnt run out on old friends for new ones.) Needs are requirements of life, values are not. Values, in order to be functional, are best when aligned with needs. Notice when wants (such as eating fast food, seeking material possessions, drugs and alcohol, watching a lot of TV, risky sex, gambling, obsessional thinking or behaviour, controlling behaviour) are
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dominating your life. These are often replacing genuine and universal needs such as closeness, love, healthy diet, exercise, a meaningful challenge, rest and recreation. Choose options that will enhance your sense of self and health.
Personal Reflection: Notice, as you go through each day, the patterns in your thinking about what you consider is right and what you consider is wrong. Notice also why you have these values. Where did they originate? Has your own experience shown them to be based on sound factual evidence? Notice if there is any mismatch between what you believe (values) and what you want (needs and desires). Such clashes can lead to inner conflict. Notice any emotions that are associated with your ideas about right and wrong, good and bad that feel uncomfortable. These emotions are symptoms of inner conflict. You can see from this chapter that meeting ones own needs is an imperative choice if you are to become empowered and develop your own unique values. Amongst the needs it is important to attend to are those that arise because of childhood damage; we need to heal our past. We have all sustained psychological damage of some sort, and we are all to some extent needy because of the emotional residues from our past. The next step in the journey to empowerment, then, is to understand how to address this wounded self. Without doing so, we risk becoming needy and reactive, and our past becomes a ticking time bomb in our relationships. Lets now consider what we can do to manage any liabilities from our past and thus ensure that we behave as an integrated and functional human being.
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Chapter 15
Choice Ten: Heal all old negative emotions and mindsets

The important thing is this: To be able, at any moment, to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. Charles Dubois LAW OF INNER CHANGE: Inner change occurs when a perceptual and energetic shift occurs in both mental and emotional bodies. LAW OF FREEDOM FROM EMOTIONAL SUFFERING: Recognizing that everything is changing and impermanent, trusting in self, acceptance and non-attachment reduce suffering. Healing past negative emotions and mindsets is something most people never do. It is a choice most never make. What a shame. Because unhealed wounds from the past can condemn their carriers to a mediocre, or at worst painful, existence. Fortunately, perhaps, most die never knowing how much better their lives could have been. Psychiatrist David Viscott calls these stored-up feelings from past trauma and unresolved conflicts emotional debt a debt which can weigh down your life even more than financial debt. When youre in emotional debt, says Viscott in his book Emotionally Free, youre pessimistic about the future and, even in your green years, long to return to the past to remedy the shortfalls of love and opportunity you suffered. Sometimes you yearn for more caring, for a chance to speak your mind and release your emotional burden, or just resolve your confusion by finally discovering what really happened to you. 1 But this is not all. If past trauma is not understood and resolved your relationships are likely to suffer, you are less likely to take risks to make the most of your life, you will react emotionally in many situations especially when under stress, and you will be driven by conditioning to live a life prescribed by beliefs and values that are not really your own.
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Heal all old negative emotions and mindsets
Healing past wounds will set you free. The reason for the imbalances that result from emotional debt are simple to understand. Childhood trauma caused us to contract. We contracted our awareness, emotions, perceptions and thinking, resulting in limiting beliefs, constrained emotions, and a fear of being who we were designed to be. These experiences were locked in our psyche and body, re-emerging when triggered by significant events, limiting our decision-making and choice selection. We shrank from taking certain risks and from certain developmental tasks fearing disapproval, criticism and shame, and learned to cope either by pretending others were the problem, or inappropriately blaming ourselves. A common sign that something is amiss is the way we over-react when our buttons are pushed.2 As a result of this childhood damage, we slipped into habits of thought, emotion, and behaviour, and never reached our potential. We were left but a shadow of who we could have been.3 Some successful people may also have suffered in childhood; but their damaged self hasnt prevent them from achieving success in arenas of their life unaffected by the childhood damage. We are all wounded. Those who heal become unshackled from the past. Those who dont are doomed to repeat it. We can recognize our past wounding by the way we relate to the world. Distrust, dishonesty, shame, guilt, anxiety, jealousy, greed, envy in fact any of the deadly sins - and any destructive emotional reactions to the behaviours of others alert us to the damage we carry within. Conversely, you can determine the degree to which you are not damaged by the lack of reaction you have to others and circumstances, and by your ability to honour your needs and follow those values you have set for yourself.
Childhood dramas can still have impact

Tell me how you relate now, and Ill tell you how you related in childhood. Jeff Saunders Because our power could only be lost in relation to others, it is the nature of our emotional memory of these others from our past that determines whether or not we
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are still giving our power over to them (or others) today. As Dr Brain Weiss celebrated patient Catherine said, under deep hypnosis, and communicating from the deepest levels of her superconscious self, Each person must be concerned with himor herself with making him- or herself ..whole. We have lessons to learn each one of us. They must be learned one at a timein order. Only then can we know what the next person needs, what he or she lacks or what we lack, to make us whole. 4 So long as we stay in the emotional pain of the past, and especially if we identify ourselves as a person who has such-and-such a problem, we stay entrapped by it. When we identify ourselves by these past traumas, we can easily feel that not only are they part of us, but that this is our identity because we are so familiar with the way those experiences have moulded our self-perceptions. Only when we can stand back from those memories and work with them consciously and non-judgmentally can we become aware of who we really are. To do this may bring up considerable discomfort, because we may fear becoming someone we wont
know.5 But, as Deepak Chopra points out, it is up to us to address our personal history, no matter who did what to us. When you find yourself reacting with anger or opposition to any person or circumstance, realize that you are only struggling with yourself. Putting up resistance is the response of defences created by old hurts. When you relinquish this anger, you will be healing yourself. 6 Our emotions are our guidance system, both to wounds in our psyche (negative feelings), and to the health of our psyche (positive feelings). We could be giving up our power to those who were part of our past by: Holding hurt, resentment, bitterness or anger towards them; Limiting our view of the world or life choices because of beliefs or perceptions we adopted from them; Limiting our present behavioural choices because emotions arise which stop us from being ourselves; Constantly talking or thinking about how they did, said or thought this, that or the other and how we suffered because of it; Reacting to situations just as we did with abusers in our past; Behaving, for some unknown reason, in ways that no longer serve us well;
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Being dishonest, deceitful, distrusting, anxious, guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, jealous, envious, unconfident, self-doubting, self-critical, or self-harming (such as with drugs or poor food); Living a life of stress possibly including anxiety, addiction, or depression; Living habits of pleasing others, being nice, being perfect, working unrealistically hard, carrying the burden of others, carrying our own burdens alone or always having to have the answers and getting it right. Struggling with ourselves is a battle we cant win, so long as the fight continues.
Freedom requires focused intent

Without freedom from the past, there is no freedom at all, because the mind is never new, fresh or innocent. Jiddhu Krishnamurti Winners are free, and they know it. In truth I dont know of many people who are totally free of their past and are therefore totally empowered, but I know of a number who are no longer chained to their past. To be truly free requires a lifetime of commitment to addressing any reactive tendencies or deluded thinking. This can only be achieved through a focused intention to heal whatever doesnt seem to work well. I still get my buttons pushed occasionally, which shows me I still have more work to do if Im to come fully into my own power. However, I rarely get thrown around emotionally by what others do or say, or what significant others did or said to me in the past.
Emotional stability and equanimity is a sure sign that you are more self-contained, and less affected by the moods of others. Similarly, high levels of self-confidence, self-esteem, self-respect, self-care, self-appreciation and a strong sense of self are amongst the best indicators that the past is no longer weighing heavily on your energies. Calm life means a healed past. Reactive life means healing to be done.
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To give you an example of this, just recently I was returning to my car with my partner after a night out. I had left my car in a poorly lit area of the central city. This was not a run-down area, but quite close to bars, restaurants and other nightlife. I returned to see that three of my cars tyres were as flat as pancakes. They had been slashed. It was late, dark, and raining. In the past I would have had a reaction to this situation. I would have felt upset, perhaps sorry for myself, angry at whoever had punctured the tyres, and then probably fearful as to how I would get home, where I could ring for help, who would be available at that time of night, and so on. However, on this occasion I experienced almost no emotional reaction at all a little disheartened perhaps, with some concern about how I would get home. I supported myself with the knowledge that delinquent behaviour from someone else wasnt going to undermine my sense of security or sense of trust that all would work out OK in the end. Emotional equanimity is a sure sign that some of the demons of the past have been put to rest. Of course, I did eventually get home without any trouble. My partner and I were even given a complimentary cup of coffee at the restaurant we walked to and called the AA from. It took time and patience, but at no time was the experience unpleasant. Having to pay for three new tyres the next day wasnt a peak experience for sure, but the whole thing would have been so much worse had I reacted the way I would have done many years ago. I was also helped by the understanding that every experience we are presented with has in it some kernel of learning, if only we are open to what that might be. I wasnt sure what that learning was on this occasion, other than to see that I was able to stay calm when under pressure.
This example demonstrates the advantage of working through your button-pushing experiences. Not only did I not have to cope with the negative emotions, but I was also in a space to make the rest of the evening more enjoyable than would otherwise have been the case. I also made more measured decisions because I was feeling calm. Healing the past in combination with the determination to live purposefully is an empowering combination.7 It may not be apparent to you at this point, but any time your button is pushed indicates a need to address an issue from the past, a needs mismatch, or a
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values mismatch, even though it appears to be a current situation that is upsetting, and one caused by something going on in outer reality right in this moment. My only concern with my car problem was about how to get my partner and myself home on a wet night. That emotion of concern, and perhaps some anxiety, was generated by an unmet need. My needs were to protect my car, and to get home while leaving it protected. You are making progress when dramas of the past are no longer dramas. If I had reacted to this event angrily because those hoodlums shouldnt be allowed on the streets, then it would be a clash of my values with theirs that had pushed my button. I would be judging these individuals against my own value system, and deciding that they should be nice like me, not undisciplined monsters. (Let me tell you that lots of people get their buttons pushed when others dont behave as they should. Getting the world to behave as you deem appropriate is definitely a sizeable undertaking.) If, however, I had felt persecuted or targeted by whoever had cut the tyres of my car despite no evidence to support my fears, I would also have been reacting out of childhood programming. The current situation would have been triggering the emotional memory of a past victim experience, and I would have been reacting because of that. In my clinical experience, this is the most common reason people have their buttons pushed old wounding coming to the surface masked as a reaction to present circumstances. When your buttons are pushed, past issues, unmet needs or values mismatches have been triggered. Past emotional pain becomes trapped in our emotional energy field, triggering further emotional pain when situations similar to the past occur, and these may lead to disease if left untreated. Once early belief and perceptual patterns, especially in regards to self, are worked through and resolved, then we are less vulnerable to dayto-day events. Clearing out old emotional patterns will therefore bring us calm and better health.8
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Reduce emotional reactions by owning them

Cherish your own emotions, and never undervalue them. Robert Henri To achieve a state of tranquillity, calm and self-love takes time and commitment. Erasing old trauma, emotional debt, mind-sets and limiting beliefs can take as long as it takes to discover them. Limiting beliefs and old mindsets tend to be discovered piecemeal, one at a time, and dealing with them needs to occur as each is revealed. In this regard, healing the damage from childhood or from wherever else is like peeling layers off an onion. Just as we think we are getting to the bottom of our programming, we find something else begging our attention. While it is impossible to return to the past, there is still opportunity right NOW to resolve old unhelpful emotional and mental residues that lie buried within. David Viscott comments that as much as you may wish to return and round off your emotional experience, you can never go home again. Your real home is in this place, at this time. The present is for action, for doing, for becoming, and for growing. 9 Any healing and transformation that needs doing can be achieved by working with what lies within you right now. To that extent, your past is still with you, and it can be worked with in the present moment. Everything required for transformation of old patterns is available to you right now. Our significant past is present with us now. Complete transformation is possible whenever you are ready. By working through this series of books you may be able to fast-track this process by unearthing a number of beliefs, especially the core beliefs about your self, guided by the emotional debts that you feel arise within you from time to time. As you notice emotions arising within you, allow them to be there. Without judgment, know that you are reacting because of some past event or series of events. Name the emotions you feel. Sit patiently, attending to those emotions, understanding the story they want to tell you. Notice that sometimes one emotion hides another. Notice too that there is a part of you that needs support, love, acceptance, respect, valuing or whatever it is and give this to yourself. To heal emotionally, we must identify, listen to, accept and understand the part of self that feels emotional. Your power will return automatically. One day you will realize you are thinking and doing things you would have once never thought possible. As you take more and more response-ability for yourself, listen to your needs, listen to your intuition and feelings, and heal past wounds, your power will return, and with it your spirit. Even people who are functioning well before they begin this process may come to notice a difference in their improved functioning.
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Your spirit is that energy within you which generates enthusiasm, motivation, commitment, drive, creativity, spontaneity, excitement for life and so on. As your power returns, your energies will pick up as you unblock places in your energy field where these energies of past pain have been stored. Then you will know who you really are, and be motivated to do what really matters to you. As your energies become freed up, your creativity, passions, enthusiasm, drive and motivation will have the opportunity to grow and expand. By letting go of the wounds of the past you can move on and create a new energy that serves the journey you now want to take.
Healing is easy; holding painful memories is not

You are free to create and honour whatever past you choose, to heal and transform your present. Richard Bach When I first began my career as a teacher, I got very stressed very easily, overworked myself trying to be the perfect teacher and spent countless hours teaching material I now think was a waste of time for both the students and me. In those days when I had the energy to waste I was passionate about what I did, even though I now question the worth of much of it. In my private life, I gave too little attention to maintaining worthwhile relationships, too little time to meeting my leisure needs, and basically ignored any anxieties I developed over the lifestyle I was immersed in. So why did I change? Why did I get a life? Why did I learn to stop worrying? The answer is simple of course I learned better ways of functioning. In my late thirties, I eventually found out how people get themselves a life. Bit by bit, piece by piece, I noticed what wasnt working for me, and how to construct a life that did work. But it was a slow process. My life seemed to be two steps forwards and one back much of the time. If I could live those years again, I would make much better use of them. Nonetheless, they were years of valuable learning. By the age of forty, I was starting to really get a life. Not that my life was all that bad really I enjoyed sport, some lovely women, I loved learning, I travelled a lot there were many high points. But I now know that the key to having a great life is less about what you do,
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and more about how you do it especially about how you feel on the inside, particularly about yourself.
Looking back over those early years, it seems that it took ages for me to learn how to live a better life, even though I met up with some excellent personal development and spiritual teachers. Sadly, I seemed to cotton on rather slowly to the skills I needed to adopt. In particular, I never realized that I was reacting a great deal especially in the classroom, and especially to people I found hard to get on with. I was well into my forties before I discovered that the reason I was reacting to people and events, was because of what was going on in me not so much what was going on in others. When you react to life it is always because of some inner process. Being personally powerful will be a natural consequence of living your life so as to honour and commit to yourself at every level. The biggest commitment you can ever make is to loving yourself, and to attend to what happens in your inner world. Loving or even caring for their self may feel an impossibility for many people, and may even feel repugnant if you were brought up to think that its selfish or weird to think well of yourself. However, this is the most magical journey of all as you continue to increase your personal power. There are some key indicators that show you have not healed your past, and that your life is still affected by a denial or ignoring of unhelpful thinking or emotion. If you are aggressive, passive, manipulative or avoidant in relationships you still have work to do. (You may not see yourself as being any of these, but listen also to the feedback of people whose opinion you respect.) If you are using drugs (including either tobacco or alcohol) or gambling to deal with stress, upsets or other emotions, you have work to do around working with emotions. If you are over-eating, overworking or over-anything else, then you also have work to do that involves embracing and resolving those emotions and programming that lead to such behaviours. If you are pleasing others, worrying about others, anxious about what others are doing, or worrying about anything at all, then you have work to do in regards to fears and therefore trusting yourself. If you are obsessing, ruminating, addicting or depressing these also can be changed once you have the skills needed for inner transformation.
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Any aspect of your life that isnt working can be embraced, understood, owned and thereby changed.
Release your past

The tools of the mind become burdens when the environment which made them necessary no longer exists. Henri Bergson The conditioning we have received as children can be quite insidious, and because of this we are all survivors of abuse of one sort or another, to some degree. Therefore, we all have issues to work on, and attending to these is a lifelong process. Ive yet to meet the person who is finished resolving all of their personal issues. As you do more and more personal growth work though, you will come to see who you really are more and more clearly, and your awareness of personal processes that it would be helpful to attend to will also increase.
There is no need to get anxious about this journey. Life will reveal to you piece by piece those inner energetic processes that are no longer useful to you. Life always reflects back to us those aspects of self that are useful to contemplate on in any given moment. If you develop the clear intention to work through whatever issues get in the way of a happy, fulfilling and successful life, then you will find opportunities coming your way which will enable you to make the progress you desire. The good life comes to those who intend change, observe self, act differently. The process of healing our past, and learning how to behave more autonomously, powerfully and lovingly is one that probably never stops. Ive never met anyone, including advanced spiritual teachers, who have completed that journey, and have no more learning left to do. However, once the really essential work is done, a point is reached where the urgency to do more passes, because life has become so much more functional and pleasant. For here on in, it is more a matter of fine-tuning our inner reality so that our enjoyment of ourselves and life continues to increase. This is the
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growth phase of our life, and follows the healing phase, even though the two processes are essentially the same. Growth occurs when we are determined to better ourselves because we want an even better life, not because our life is so awe-filled. We are propelled by the rewards of future possibilities, rather than by the pain of past wounds. Take the time to observe how you think, feel and behave. In time, youll discover everything about yourself, and what would work better for you. Regardless of where you are on this journey, cleaning out old conditioned beliefs, values and emotional wounds will continue for most of your life. One speedy way to accelerate this, is to learn to connect with, and love, yourself. Another, is to systematically follow the process I will now describe to you.
Heal by non-judgmentally observing self

Only I can change my life. No-one can do it for me. Carol Burnett In the 1980s a very interesting experiment was conducted at Massachusetts General Hospital. A psychiatrist by the name of Jon Kabat-Zinn made an incredible breakthrough in helping patients to manage their pain. So successful was he, that other doctors referred difficult patients to him despite their expectation he would be able to do nothing for them. But this mans technique prevailed. What was the treatment? Quite simply, he taught his patients not to fight their pain. He encouraged them to be curious about their condition, to tune in and learn about it, and to accept whatever was going on in their bodies. In so doing, many of his subjects discovered that their suffering was being caused by the resistance they had to their pain, and that opening to the experience of pain reduced it. The technique brought such relief to these people, that fifteen years after leaving the hospital, most were still using it.10
I have found that this same technique can be used in regards to past trauma or emotional turmoil. Most of us, when we experience something unpleasant, seek to avoid that emotion. Similarly, if we find ourselves unwittingly reflecting on past trauma, we may well develop a strategy of distraction so that our painful memory
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goes away. But of course it never really goes away it just disappears and hides until next time. The business of healing your past begins by noticing what goes on in your present, and by remaining open and non-resistant to that reality. Because our past trauma trained us to perceive the world, especially our own personal world, in a particular way, the procedure for dismantling those unhelpful perceptions, beliefs and associated emotions is to notice them at work, and how they distort the way we experience reality now as adults. Stay open and accepting of what upsets you in life. Stay curious and learn what goes on inside you. Throughout our life, we have undergone experiences that we have stored in our memory in packages. Each package has provided us a way of experiencing our world. For example, there is the way I think about my nose package, the way I dislike my personality package, the way I consider my intelligence package, and so on. Our perception of reality is built up of millions of these perceptual clusters of thoughts and feelings. 11 If I now say to you Youre a dipstick, and this resonates with a similar package in your memory, it will push your button. You will have an emotional reaction to my remark. If my comment has no personal meaning for you at all, then your emotions will not be triggered. You may instead laugh at me if you have a perceptual package that states that people who are abusive have a problem and should be viewed with compassion. Its really that simple. Either your buttons are pushed by daily events or theyre not. If you find yourself reacting emotionally, then you have unearthed a piece of your own programming that it will be helpful to own and accept. Your buttons may have been pushed if unmet needs or cherished values have been challenged, but often these needs and values have been generated by childhood events, and so may also relate to those memory packages. Allow emotional discomfort to be present. Treat it like a friend wanting to connect with you.
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Your feelings want to chat with you

One must marry ones feelings to ones beliefs and ideas. This is probably the only way to achieve a measure of harmony in ones life. Etty Hilsum Most people who react following a comment such as Youre a dipstick make the mistake of thinking that the reason they are reacting is because of the abuser and their comment. They mistakenly think that their problem is out there. Not so. We never react to anything that doesnt trigger something going on in here. Emotional reactions seemingly caused by something out there are alerting us to something going on in here. This makes it easy to determine what our issues are. Every time something bothers us, we just have to imagine what belief within us was just triggered. Having done that, we can then listen to our emotions to find out what need we are wanting to have met. Then we look after our self by supporting ourselves to heal the old wound stored in our memory. We also accept that weve discovered something about our self, and that in order to heal that past wound, we must own this as a memory of ours that requires healing. Furthermore, we must do so without being self-critical about having this mental/emotional memory in the first place. To ensure that this old wound will be healed, we develop the intention that by recognizing and owning it we can now let it go. We may have to revisit this same wound a few times, and do this same process a few times, before the old wound troubles us no more. So, in summary, here is how this emotional healing process works: An event occurs This event stirs an old memory If unhelpful beliefs about self exist, a bell will ring called an emotion This emotion will alert us to the unhelpful self-belief buried in our memory Support self by noticing without judgment our uncomfortable emotional reaction By owning our emotional reaction as being about self, we reduce its power to upset us yet again This uncomfortable emotion will also alert us to previously unmet needs The emotion will alert us to how we can support ourselves in here. The emotion will alert us to how we can now support ourselves out there.
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Lets now see how this simple process works in regards to the example I used above. Suppose someone says to you Youre a dipstick and you find yourself getting annoyed, resentful, angry or perhaps defensive. This emotional reaction tells you that an old wound has been exposed, that it must be understood, owned and released as described above. Here is how it might play out. An event occurs Im called a dipstick This stirs an old memory of being abused earlier in life An emotion arises- annoyance, resentment, defensiveness I notice that it feels like Ive just been told Youre useless. Nonetheless, I own the fact that Youre useless messages push my buttons. My in here need is to reassure myself that Im OK, Im doing my best, I dont have to behave as others demand, its OK to feel upset, and its OK to make mistakes. I support myself out there I tell this person Im not interested in their views What is amazing about this process is that it is both simple and effective. If done repeatedly whenever you find yourself reacting to others or to circumstances, you can make big inroads into healing your childhood damage. Although there are a number of other elegant processes for healing the past that I introduce in the next five books in this series, you will be amazed at how much change this simple process described above can bring to your life. Reactions you are open to and own will eventually let you go.
The most challenging steps for most people are to tune in to whatever emotions are present (many people rarely do this, so some practice may be required), and to get a sense of the subconscious belief thats been exposed. Most peoples emotions are triggered by the actions of other people, so the easiest way to detect unhelpful beliefs is to ask yourself What does it seem as though this person said to me by what they
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did? The answer to this question will give you a statement like You are . which will be very close to, if not the same as, your underlying unhelpful self-belief. Processes you disown or ignore will grow. Processes you defensively resist will persist. Processes you own and embrace will erase.
Become your own best friend

Our feelings are our most genuine paths to knowledge. Audre Lorde Kerryns story shows the potential success of using this process. Kerryn came to see me because she was having trouble coping with some women at work, was challenged by some of the sexual requests of her husband, often felt self-doubt, and noticed she feared being told that she was not good enough by people in positions of authority. Although usually a very self-assured woman, she noticed there were times she mysteriously doubted herself. Very early on in our work, Kerryn came to realize that the sexual difficulties she was experiencing dated back to two rapes shed endured as a teenager, and her fears of authority stemmed from a very controlling and critical mother who had difficulty coping with Kerryns very boisterous teenage personality. Even though there were considerable emotions locked up in these memories, and they were therefore uncomfortable to revisit, Kerryn did come to appreciate how her history as a youngster was linked to patterns that were now undermining her happiness as an adult. Your present reactions are inviting you to heal the past. Kerryn learned to become her own best friend. She recognized that when these things had happened to her, she had been unable to support herself, and unable to enlist the support of others. She recognized, almost intuitively, that she must support herself, without judgment, through the process of unearthing her past. She told me many stories of abuse she had endured, often without the supportive intervention of those responsible for her care. Over several sessions, Kerryn reconnected with the wounded child-self she had carried with her for almost forty years, and gave her upset child-self the support, nurturing and protection that shed missed those many years ago. As she did this, she noticed her life changing. People she feared no longer intimidated her; she was able to change her sexual relationship with her husband and experiment in ways that had previously terrified her; she felt less controlled when others expressed what they wanted; and she let go of the old doubting self and instead supported herself through whatever challenge was presenting itself. Kerryn had come home to herself. She was now totally and non-judgmentally supportive of herself when recognizing her needs, and better able to connect with others because so many fears had abated.
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We can all do what Kerryn did. It takes awareness, patience, determination and selfcare to undertake this process. But, once you commit to listening to, understanding, and owning every reaction you have to lifes ups and downs, you will peel off those layers of conditioning one by one.
In the later books in the series, I will develop further strategies you can use to heal old wounds. However, what Ive described here will enable you to completely heal most of your unhelpful, reactive programming. Commit to yourself. There is no worthier cause. Personal Reflection: Reflect on when you most have your buttons pushed. What does it seem others are meaning to say to you when their words or actions get you to react? Try to express this as You are (have, should, shouldnt, cant) You may be pushing your own buttons by speaking disparagingly to yourself. If you put yourself down, what do you say? This probably comes across as I am (have, should, shouldnt, cant) Consider the new story that you want your life to follow. What actions could you take to steer your life down a more empowered and successful track? Record these findings, and other beliefs you unearth as you pay attention to when you get upset or bothered, in My Personal Planner under the heading Personal Insights About Me.
Strategies for working with unresolved issues

1. Notice when your emotions or your life are thrown around by events occurring in outer reality. Be a witness to these events, and develop a curiosity about how you allow yourself to be affected by these events. Just note how you react, what triggers your reactions, and ask yourself Why do I react as I do, when some others would not? Because we are the driving force in our lives, when things are not working well, then its because weve developed some behaviours or thoughts in the past that are no longer helpful. Notice what you react to. Consider a new approach, or new journey, that would help you move towards a life that works better for you.
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2. Use the emotional healing process described above whenever you emotionally react to anything. Give yourself time to notice your predominant emotions, the beliefs that are associated with them, and what you can do to support your inner world as well as your outer world when these events occur. With practice, youll get to learn of the key beliefs that undermine your sense of connectedness to yourself and internal harmony. Keeping a diary (for example in My Personal Planner) of what you learn will help you build a picture of what is going on in your inner reality. 3. Remind yourself that you are responsible for everything that you experience in your life. Question how it is that events happen that you dont want to have happen. Ask yourself, once again, what responsibility you must take if changes are to occur. In fact, if your life was to be full of the things you would love, what desires must you focus on to generate your goals. Realizing that what you experience in life is a reflection of the energy you vibrate, consider what change in your thinking must occur if you are to vibrate, and attract, a better life (see also Chapter 17). 4. Develop the intention that you will get insight into anything that stops you from getting the most out of life. With this awareness in place, you will attract to yourself ideas and opportunities that will empower you to make useful changes. Also develop the intention that you will learn how to address any emotional or mental residues from the past, and thus remove all blocks to a life full of joy and fulfilment. Just by noticing what you react to, how you think when you react, how you feel and the needs these emotions alert you to, will enable you to learn how to make yourself feel good, or make yourself feel miserable. 5. Also develop the intention that you are going to develop self-care, and patiently and tolerantly address any blocks to your happiness without blaming anyone else for your circumstances. Observe any unpleasant things you say to yourself, put on yourself, or stop yourself from avoiding. Notice any sabotaging patterns useless friends you keep, unproductive relationships you hold on to, unhappy work you cling to, hopeless beliefs youre attached to about your future and so on. Even by just noticing these unhelpful patterns, shifts can begin to occur. 6. Notice the beliefs that run your life. Ask yourself: What must I have been believing about myself in order to react to what that person said or did? What negative or positive comments do I say to myself when Im under pressure? What must I believe in order to live my life as I do? What perspective must I (or do I) take to live a positive, intention-driven, successful and empowered life?
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Exercise: Leaving the Old Behind Here is a checklist which will help you determine which past issues are stopping you from getting the most out of life. While not a comprehensive list by any means, this exercise may provide insight into areas of your life that will benefit from the work you can do in this series of books, and perhaps highlight areas of your life that have already benefited from the work youve done on yourself in the past. Life experience indicator Always 1. I find myself thinking or feeling negatively about myself 2. I find myself thinking or feeling negatively about others 3. I find myself reacting to the behaviours of others 4. I find myself reacting to particular circumstances 5. I get stressed regularly 6. Im often judgmental of myself or others 7. I tend to be a perfectionist, or please others at my own expense 8. I prioritize work over and above relating to those I love most 9. I have some difficulties relating to people and/or creating the relationships I want 10. Im bothered by the way I react to others 11. The quality of my life is not as I would like it to be 12. Im frustrated Im not more successful 13. Something is missing in my life but Im unsure just what it is 14. I dont really feel satisfied with what I do for a living Sometimes Never
Items 1 to 7 can be remedied by altering your beliefs, perspectives and habits, which will in turn will change your emotions. Items 8 to 10 relate to how well you manage your relationships, and the impact of that management on others. A better understanding of your self will help you improve your relationships and develop a stronger sense of self. Seeking insight into your self, becoming more comfortable with your self, learning of and meeting your needs in all phases of your life will better enable you to resolve relationship conflicts or misunderstandings. Items 11 to 14 can also be addressed by recognizing your needs and desires. Tuning in to what will bring enthusiasm and passion into your life recognizing who you really are will provide direction to you.
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I suggest you make a commitment in Must Do Activities to beginning this process of changing patterns you no longer want to repeat. Choose options that will enhance your life. Developing a strong sense of who you are begins with the beliefs you have about yourself, how you use your mind in regards to self, perspectives you take, and actions that follow from these. We must now turn our attention to the serious task (but dont worry about it) of lightening up and giving ourselves a break. In fact, it is time to learn how to fully love the person at the centre of your life.
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Chapter 16
Choice Eleven: Love your self

If there is a panacea or cure-all to life, it is self-love. Paul Solomon LAW OF IDENTITY CREATION: We create the energy of self through self-beliefs, self-talk and the way we believe others see us. We then believe and act from this identity. LAW OF LOVING: Unconditional love will naturally arise when negative thoughts about self or others are transformed through understanding and appreciation. This is the big one. Putting yourself first was bad enough, but loving yourself ugh! Arguably, this is one of the most challenging tasks facing humans. It is what we most struggle to do, yet if we achieve this, it is like catching the escalator to a better life. Once negative self-beliefs are transformed, love of self must happen. In many ways, loving yourself is just meeting another need, but it is such a challenging need to meet, that most people never succeed in doing it. It is the need to suspend all judgment and come to realize and accept that you dont need to alter a single thing about yourself in order to consider that you are enough, and that you are good enough. Acceptance of self will protect you from the criticisms of others. Abraham Maslow pointed out that unless this essential core of the person is fundamentally accepted, loved and respected by others and self, then mental health will not be possible.1 A bonus results if you are able to totally value, respect, accept, appreciate, forgive and approve of yourself, because you will then be able to do the same towards others. Once you develop compassion for your own idiosyncrasies, acceptance of those same idiosyncrasies you experience in others is virtually inevitable, and is certainly much easier to accomplish. The main reason we have difficulty accepting and loving others, is indeed because we are so judgmental towards ourselves, usually a great deal more so than we realize. As one
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psychotherapist has succinctly expressed it, the hardest part of unconditional love is accepting wherever we are at in the moment, no matter how uncomfortable. The hardest part of acceptance is not the difficulty of allowing others their process (although Lord knows that can be very hard); it is allowing ourselves our own process without shame and judgment. 2 Loving self unconditionally is akin to jumping on the escalator of self worth and self-empowerment. To love ones self, then, is to acknowledge, honour, appreciate, allow, understand, value, and accept all aspects of ones self. Loving ones self is the skill of being present with ones self, no matter what has just happened, or is about to happen. It is like appreciating, valuing and feeling a heart connection with a tree, bird, dog or sunset no matter what state these are in. There is no sense of perfection required. There is no requirement for anything to be different than it is. It is being in the Now with ourselves without reservation or judgment. Loving our self is the opposite of disliking our self, and it is this judgment of self that causes low self-esteem. Put another way, limiting and negative beliefs about ones self give rise to emotions which, operating in concert, make you feel bad useless, hopeless, despairing, doubting, self-critical and embarrassed. Perhaps one of the most obvious examples of this is those negative thoughts you hold about your own body. What do you not like about your body? What negative beliefs do you have about your own body? What is the emotionally disempowering feeling you experience when this issue most bothers you? Here the thought of loathing, disgust, or distaste towards your own body can lead to emotions such as shame, embarrassment, hopelessness, inferiority, inadequacy and even anxiety or depression. Yet, your body is the most superficial part of who you are. So how much do you allow the appearance of your physical shell to bother you, even though so many others accept you as you are anyway? What beliefs do you hold about what is important about your body and therefore what defines you? Who is or is not friends with you because of your physical appearance?
You would be less bothered about what others think of you if you knew how rarely they did.
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When it comes down to it how much does your body really determine your most important relationships? How much more would people who are important to you really like or desire you if you had the ideal body? How is it that people with less than desirable bodies get on and have a great life? Considering the way you think about your body may be symptomatic of the pressure you place on yourself to be somebody. Any other demands or criticisms of yourself that you repeat over and over are undermining your self-esteem, selfconfidence, self-acceptance, and self-love. As we will see in the next chapter, the kinds of beliefs and viewpoints you hold about yourself are pivotal to creating a great life, or to sabotaging everything you want for yourself. It is time to stop empowering those who put you down in the past, and start empowering the positively intentioned part of yourself that wants a productive life. When we love ourselves, we provide the love we have so often been unable to find elsewhere. As psychotherapist Mary OMalley notes, Cut off from our own mercy, each of us carries, in the deep regions of our being, a desperate longing for the warmth of a tender heart. No one can provide that tender heart more reliably than we ourselves. And the spin-off is that what we successfully do for ourselves we can then better do for others. If you can accept yourself as you are, you can accept others as they are. 3 Love of self is a self-centred affair. That centre can then non-judgmentally love others as well. You will find that the universe, your universe, your day-to-day interactions with life, will mirror back to you the issues that you have. If you have problems accepting your body as it is, you will find yourself being embarrassed when youre around others, or you may judge the bodies of others who are also imperfect. If your style is to be judgmental of your tendency to be late, you may feel critical of others who do this. If you get upset when people are unreasonable, this may reflect pressure you put on yourself to be reasonable even when you would prefer not to be. Similarly, when you find yourself being loving with others, and they to you, this will reflect on the progress youve made to open your heart.
There are an infinite number of inner processes we can have, and many ways in which these can be mirrored through interactions with others. It is a smart move to notice what aspects of others push our buttons, so that we can learn what aspect of our self is being triggered. However, when we ask ourselves what these learning situations are teaching us about our self, it is useful to stand back and learn non-
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judgmentally what we are discovering. Judgment and its son, self-criticism, are acquisitions most people have acquired from childhood. It does not serve us to continue to berate ourselves every time we discover a little more about ourselves that requires attention. As Robert Burney further notes Perhaps the first, and certainly the most nurturing, thing we do when starting to walk a Spiritual path is to start seeing life in a growth context that is, to start realizing that life events are lessons, opportunities for growth, not punishment because we screwed up or are unworthy. 4 What we dislike in our self we will dislike in others. What we accept about our self we will be able to accept in others.
Self-criticism is probably your training

As you love yourself, so too others will love you. Jeff Saunders Most children grow up with an internal critic. Where did this come from? Is it a natural thing for children to put themselves down? Of course not! Self-criticism or judgment of any sort is a learned behaviour. This abuse of self is the repetition of beliefs developed or taken on following childhood experiences. The memories of this self-definition are deeply buried in the subconscious mind, and may only surface when we are under stress. Then, when the chips are down, we hear ourselves saying, in our heads Oh my goodness, youre so dumb!, You twit. Youve screwed up again, or something similar. This negative self-talk repeats very old beliefs that are ingrained in the cellular memory, and they can only be erased once we have developed a clear awareness of what we say to ourselves, and become determined that we wont react to them any more. If we refuse to buy into the game of once again beating ourselves up, eventually these unhelpful beliefs will just wither away. The preceding chapters have invited you to make changes to the way in which you function, not because there is anything inadequate about the way you are, but because there are optimal ways of being which will increase your happiness, empowerment and success in life. Its a bit like deciding to change breakfast cereals because while you like both options, one is tastier than the other. Similarly, treating yourself well, thinking of yourself well, and feeling good about yourself taste better than the alternatives.
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If you wait until youre fixed before loving yourself youll die waiting. In many cultures, it is considered egotistical to take an attitude towards self that is appreciative, affirming, caring, honouring, and approving. In fact, many parents go out of their way to ensure their children are not too full of themselves. This is very sad, because these children then spend the rest of their days reacting whenever others mistreat them, or minimize their positive characteristics just as their parents did. They will also put a great deal of energy into getting attention and love from others to compensate for this childhood damage. Children dont develop large egos because they are told how wonderful they are. Rather, they develop large egos to protect themselves from being told how wonderful they are not. As the child has it said to him/her, so the grown adult will tell their self. As the adult once told the child, now the inner child tells the adult self. The fear parents may hold should their child be complimented too much during childhood is that the child will become narcissistic. Narcissus was the young man who in Greek folklore fell in love with his own reflection, and was so besotted with himself that he could only think of himself first, second and last. However, being narcissistic is not the same as loving oneself in the way I am encouraging you to do here. Narcissistic individuals are not really loving of self, but rather addicted to their own self-image, as Narcissus was. Narcissistic people struggle to role reverse and empathize that is, put themselves in the position of another in order to be able to understand the other persons viewpoint because they are so consumed with caring for their own wounded inner child. People who genuinely love themselves (which Narcissus did not) do not develop such a problem, and are not preoccupied with a demanding and damaged ego. Narcissus and other narcissists become focused on self as a way to feel more secure, more important, more significant, more acceptable and more assured of getting their needs met. However, this is really a defensive position developed in order to protect ones ego, ones insecurity, ones inadequacy, ones fear of having to go it alone and go without. Truly loving the self is quite a different act, however. It is the act of appreciation, respect, honouring, approval, understanding and acknowledging, such as we would give our best friend, our child or our partner. It is a healthy, uplifting, resourceful, and encouraging way to relate to ones self, and has the effect of healing past wounding from others who were unable to love us as we deserved during childhood, or during a later destructive relationship.
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To love yourself unconditionally means to accept yourself warts and all. No matter that you make mistakes, have a crooked nose, slurp your soup and struggle to keep your finances in check. Just as you love your cat despite its bitten ear, your pot plant despite its lopsided growth, your child despite her unwillingness to go to bed, and your partner despite his messiness, loving ones self is not a selective process. Life is asking you to see the totality of yourself all of your strengths and your weaknesses, your joys and miseries through the eyes of your heart, suggests counsellor Mary OMalley. For it is within your heart that you can weave all the parts of yourself back into the wholeness that is you. 5 You dont have to be perfect to be perfectly lovable.
When the light rushes in, the dark runs away

The heights by great men reached and kept were not attained by sudden flight, but they while their companions slept, were toiling upward in the night. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow Much in this series of books has been devoted to raising an awareness of, and healing, the damage we have suffered as children. Only when this damage has been addressed can we then experience the positive sense of self shining through. Once you turn on the light, the darkness goes of its own accord. Until this is done, you will always seek love outside of yourself, and possibly wonder what anyone else would love about you anyway. You can begin to heal any damaged aspects of self simply by determining to nullify the messages of childhood and be determined to begin, right now, to love and accept yourself no matter what others, or your conditioned damaged self, says. Seeking love from others to compensate for lack of self-love is like trying to catch the wind and asking it to soothe you. Bring a strong intention to the act of loving and appreciating your self. By doing this, the ball will have begun rolling, and you will find more and more opportunity to create positive self-messages, and to support yourself even when you make mistakes, or act in ways which once you would have previously beaten yourself up for. As you notice the old self-put-down pattern, you will become aware that it is just trying to get you to behave in ways that, once upon a time, some big person demanded of you. If you permit this old memory to abuse you, then you are reinforcing some very unhelpful childhood conditioning. It would be like agreeing to abuse your lovable self now in support of the legacy begun by a person who thought you were inadequate many years ago. The way to love your self is to learn to accept who you
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are, no matter what you have done or might do. Humans make mistakes, and one of the reasons we do is because of the damage we experienced as kids. How else could people ever murder and rape? How else could we yell abuse at another? Just as you would still hug and kiss your child after they misbehaved, so too weve got to learn to do the same with our upset, hurt, confused, shamed, resentful, anxious or angry self. Youll feel at peace and at home with yourself when you can unconditionally love yourself. Love of others, and they of you, will follow. It is essential you learn to trust and believe in yourself, and a way to do this is to constantly affirm and appreciate your positive intentions and any small successes. Otherwise, you will be thrown around like chaff in the wind by the opinions, criticisms and expectations of others, your own negative self-beliefs, and any other conditioning that says you must put others ahead of yourself. It will help to remember that critics see you as they do because of who they are not because of who you are. Similarly, you are more likely to see yourself through your conditioning (as they do), not for who you really are. Personal Reflection: Carry a little notebook around and write in it any disparaging thoughts that you have about yourself, or comments you make to yourself. When such thoughts are exposed, those thoughts lose their power and their hold. You may also notice, as you detect this disempowering self-talk, that there are positive intentions behind these thoughts and beliefs. Write down the positive intention, and consider a way of honouring that it without being self-critical. Notice that when negative self-talk jumps into your head, it will scurry away as soon as you observe its antics.
Self-love a forgotten art worth re-membering

Self-love is not opposed to the love of other people.
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You cannot really love yourself and do yourself a favour, Without doing people a favour, and vice versa. Karl Meninger Following your own discernment, and trusting your own ideas, insights and knowing, are key components of developing a more balanced perspective of self. Of course, this doesnt mean you listen to no-one elses viewpoint, but if you do, then you do it realizing that the views of others are no more significant or valid than your own. The only way to truly feel happy, is to feel happy about who you are and the way you are. Without that, all happiness will only ever be ephemeral. To feel happy about your self, you must understand and accept everything about how you function. You would do this for someone you loved so now do it for you! Listen to yourself first. Feel and follow your own inner knowing. Be discriminating about who elses opinion about you you choose to take notice of. I turned my life around when I began these practices, and got better and better at them: I stopped judging myself as being right or wrong. I embraced and thus rooted out limiting beliefs when I noticed them. I stopped defining myself as others saw me. I recognized that I was living my life, and relating to others, in the best way I knew how. I accepted that when I saw improvements I could make to myself, that didnt mean that the old way was wrong or bad. I accepted that relationship challenges arose when I didnt listen to my own needs or my own knowing, so I had to listen to, respect and act on both. I accepted that only I knew what was best for me. I accepted that only I could meet my own needs and began doing so. I ranked my own needs as being equal in importance to those of others. I ranked my own values as more significant than any inherited versions. I said No respectfully when my need was at odds with that of others. I looked after myself when I was feeling emotional. I gave consideration to the criticisms only of those who I knew were not projecting their own issues onto me. I stayed connected at all times to who I felt I was. I went within myself to care for myself when the chips were down. I made a practice of appreciating myself for what I did and who I was. I spent time going within myself, being with my inner sense of me. Here are some examples of the way I have used the above mindsets. I remember well the day I resigned from my job, because I could no longer continue to do what I was doing. It was scary to resign without any other options available, but I knew I must
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follow my own inner knowing. Of course another job opportunity manifested quickly enough the next day in fact. I recall also the feelings that told me whether my present relationship had a future or not. At a gut level, when I listened to myself, I knew soon after meeting Lucy that a relationship together would succeed. I didnt spend time asking myself logical questions, because an intuitive part of myself knew everything I needed to know. I also remember the day I took a big business risk that didnt come off. I felt gutted. I had to stay with those feelings, and support and love myself through them, for day after day. I was there for myself right through this, continued to support myself for taking the risk, and knew that I would pick myself up, and try again and again, until I succeeded. I can also recall many times when people have disagreed with me, or criticized me. This has been challenging when Ive eventually seen that they had a valid point. However, Ive stuck by myself even when Ive realized I had climbed enthusiastically up the wrong tree. I gave myself space in which to understand how Id got it wrong, allowed the defensive emotions to be present, and stayed with those feelings and thoughts until they had been resolved. Ive detected a number of occasions when conflict with someone close to me has arisen because Id not noticed, or not acted upon, my own need. Rather than beating myself up at such times, I learned ways to better recognize and meet those needs in future. Ive apologized if my lack of awareness has created a drama. Only you know who you are, and how you function. Only you can fully love and accept who you are. Only you can be totally there for you.
Your own inner guidance is the only voice you can really trust, provided of course that you dont distort the message coming from your inner world. This message is clearest when it comes from your heart, and what feels best or right for you. Becoming more emotionally and intuitively in tune will help you strengthen this inner connection. It is a useful strategy to take time out, close your eyes, tune into and feel the beating of your heart, and ask yourself What is the truth that I can feel coming from within me right now? The perception you have of yourself is possibly the most inaccurate perception you have of anything in this world. As we grew up as children, we would react emotionally to comments, inferences, or insinuations made about us. Because we
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reacted so often, especially to messages that had a negative impact on our sense of self, the perception we had of our self easily became distorted. Rarely do we experience any aspect of the world accurately when in an emotional reaction, and rarely did we experience ourselves rationally or objectively on such occasions in childhood. We also may have taken on distorted perceptions our caregivers adopted, further enhancing the likelihood that we no longer experience ourselves as we really are. Our perceptions of self are never objective. These distortions are quite obvious to see in the way we relate to ourselves, and in the way others relate to us. We find it easy, even natural, to love others, but not so easy to love our self. We also find it quite natural to be loved by others, even if we may find it harder to imagine why others would want to relate to us in such loving ways. This anomaly demonstrates that we have a distorted perspective of our self relative to the perspective we have of others, and they have of us. Perspectives of self are very likely negatively skewed. Take more notice of your positive intentions. Very likely, youve lived your life with a very unrealistic opinion of yourself, because of the inaccurate perceptions of others youve inherited. This nonsense has to stop, because a strong and loving sense of self will provide you with high selfesteem and personal power, whether or not you have unhelpful character idiosyncrasies that it would be wise to continue working on. Without this solid supportive base to work from, it is difficult to build the sort of person that you would otherwise aspire to be. If you are not going to support yourself, then who will? It is our tendency not to be accepting, appreciative, respectful and supportive of a self that gets us into trouble. The most common trouble occurs when we expect someone else to do the work for us.
Many people enter a relationship so that someone else will attend to all their deficits of self-love. No wonder we get upset when our partners fall short after all, we were relying on them to do for us what we couldnt do for ourselves! The work of healing all unacceptable beliefs about self is one we must do for ourselves. We have the capacity to use our adult abilities to bring healing and comfort to those hurt, wounded inner child parts that were damaged when we were
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kids. It is simply a matter of recognizing that we are not the negative self-beliefs we took on as youngsters, and our natural capacity is to be powerful beings, not hapless victims going through emotional re-traumatisation on a regular basis. We can begin this journey of healing by recognizing the self-beliefs we are holding that determine our levels of self-esteem, confidence, and motivation. 6 Personal Reflection: Note and record those occasions on which your buttons get pushed, observing: the emotions that arise; any self-talk that pops up; any negative beliefs about self that support either the emotions or self-talk. Notice that these beliefs and/or self-talk are exaggerated and distorted versions of reality. Notice, and remind yourself, of your strengths that you rarely take the time to acknowledge.
Let go of unhelpful self-identification

It is easy to see that the more closely you relate yourself to the Source of Life the more readily you may receive life from it. And it is easy also to see that your relation to it is a matter of mental attitude. Wallace D. Wattles The energy of love is the most advanced energy any of us can experience. When we experience our own love, we are coming back to our source. Love of ones self is a reconnection with our source energy. But most people never achieve this because they dont identify with who they are, with their own innate lovability. Instead, they stay stuck in a programmed identity. Heres how it happens. Human beings do something that is both mysterious and painfully selfdamaging. They perform a magical process with their minds that distorts reality through a process called self-identification. Throughout our life, we have become accustomed to many things about ourselves our bodies, our place in the social order, our skills and weaknesses, our beliefs about self or the world, our self-worth, what we have learned and so on. Over time, we have collected all these items and stored them in the house we call me. However, there are serious flaws in this process, and these can give rise to problems throughout life. The possessions in our house that we think of as me or mine are not quite what they seem. The first flaw that creates a distortion is that we were given some of these items, and so they are not an accurate representation of our true self. For example, you may see yourself as poor at sport. However, if youd had quality coaching, more support, a free seasons pass to participate and a friend who also wanted to become involved, you may have done very well at sport. Because this didnt happen when you were a kid, you may have been left with an erroneous
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perspective about your sporting prowess for reasons that were out of your control. Thus, the belief Im poor at sport may not be an accurate one. Much of your self-identification may be unhelpful, inaccurate, and disempowering.
Similarly, like all of us, you would have been given many other messages that were a reflection of those giving them, rather than you. If, for instance, you regularly feel low self-esteem and self-confidence, it will be because of a self-belief most likely handed to you by a significant caregiver. Thus, deflated feelings associated with selfbeliefs such as I never get it right, or I always make an idiot of myself are selfidentifications that really have nothing to do with you at all. They are more a reflection of what someone told you many years ago, and may say more about that person than about you. The second flaw in this self-identification process, is that life is not static our personalities change. While there may have been instances in the past when we were berated for not getting it right, now that we are an adult we may be very good at getting it right. Thus, we have an object in the house of me which is now out of date yet we may still relate to that object as if it is current and accurate. Much of our self-identification is put on us. It is time we shook it off. The final flaw is caused by the automatic way in which we select from the items in the house of me. If I am on television in a quiz, and the item I never get it right from my past pops up, I may well have cause to get very embarrassed when I berate myself in front of the cameras for giving an incorrect answer. The automatic way in which these items I call me self-select can become my undoing. If I was able to select those aspects I call me whenever I chose, such as I would do when choosing the clothes to wear for the day, that might mean that I had control over the process. However, the fact that these items of personal identification seem to have a mind of their own makes me extremely vulnerable to whatever they might do.7 You may be thinking or reacting in ways which no longer fit current reality.
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Remove unwanted self-identification

The first principle is that you must not fool yourself and you are the easiest person to fool. Richard Feynman Therefore, it is in our interests to determine what we have taken on board and become identified with that no longer serves us. These items of self-identification need to be examined and removed if they are no longer useful. If we dont prune them out, we will live our lives as a robot, and be at the whim of whatever past programming happens to pop up and take over at any given moment.
Here are some self-identification inaccuracies you may find in a head near you! Beliefs that you repeat to yourself in the form of I messages, such as I am a fool, I always get it wrong, Im bad, etc. bear no relation to who you really are. They would not hold up in a court of law, because they lack objective truth. They are just conditioned nonsense from the past probably childhood. Variations come in the form I am , I am not I have , I have not and so on. You will recognize these most quickly when you are reacting to some drama going on in your life. Comments you make to yourself under stress reveal self-beliefs you have adopted. Negative emotions you experience are also often a link to your past. Instead of hearing the I message, you may feel really negative towards yourself angry, fearful, self-doubting, self-loathing, helpless, hopeless, despairing, guilty all of these emotions mask underlying toxic self-beliefs. At times, points 1 and 2 may occur together. The most injurious messages we carry around in our heads occur as You messages directed at our self. These may be the original messages from childhood, but are more likely messages we get from others. You are a selfish pig would be a criticism that would wash off the back of most people. However, if there is a similar message buried within your psyche,
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you will react to this. In general, messages you react to are very similar to programming lying deep in your subconscious. Comments from others that you react to, are alerting you to similar beliefs you have about yourself. Some beliefs that drive your behaviours are linked to values you adopted due to childhood conditioning. Guilt and/or anxiety may be keeping these old behavioural patterns in place. They come mostly in the form of musts, must nots, or variations on these. Albert Ellis, founder of Rational Emotive Therapy, called those who live their lives dancing to the tune of these musturbators. Thus, the feelings that you should be tidy, clean, conscientious, hard-working, nice, self-less, on time, studious, successful, helpful to others and so on fit into this category. Because so many others also have them, these mindsets and their associated behaviours seem to be normal, and so it is easy to be lulled into following them because it seems to be the right thing to do. However, shoulds and shoudnts, oughts and oughtnts are slave drivers. Actions you feel driven or obligated to make, reveal programming you might be wise to shake. Take full responsibility for removing any old messages or self-perceptions that have been putting you down. You dont have to be perfect to be lovable, and you arent unlovable when you act in imperfect ways. You dont treat others whom you care about that way when they make mistakes of one sort or another, so stop indulging yourself by judging every last error of judgment or mistaken choice you make. Try making self-love, self-care, self-respect, self-appreciation, self-approval, and self-valuing a daily routine. Imagine how much more attractive youll be as a partner when your lover notices that they dont have to prop you up, attend to deficits within you, or struggle to convince you of your own worth! Acknowledge, approve and accept yourself, even though to begin with, this may bring up feelings of discomfort. Whenever you judge or criticize yourself, you are reinforcing the damage wrought upon you by past caregivers, teachers, authority figures and social conditioning. In a sense, you are empowering their perspectives at your own expense. Who wants to continue doing that, for goodness sake? Escape old inherited mindsets by making a practice of appreciating what you do well, appreciating your positive intentions, acknowledging your achievements, accepting as OK how you look, speak, walk or sing. Sure the way you are may still not work well for others, but that doesnt make you wrong or inadequate. Give up the comparison game.
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Who can compare uniqueness?
I remember Ivan very well, because he was one of the most difficult cases I dealt with during my first years in counselling. Ivan was only fourteen years old, but already he was in mental trouble. He was hounded by voices in his head that criticized him, ordered him to do strange things (like throwing things at his teachers), and refused to let him enjoy himself. Ivan came from a very strict religious background where the rod was not spared and the child was not spoiled. Despite his young age, and perhaps because he was good at reflecting on his own thinking, Ivan came to see that he was two people one trying to have fun and get a life, and another that found fault in almost everything his positive side wanted to do. This split in his psyche related closely to the messages about good and bad, right and wrong that he got constantly from his parents. With some considerable help (I saw him for over two years), he was able to see how demanding and uncompassionate he was towards himself, and how this mirrored his training at home. It is not easy for a young child to construct their own values whilst still being bombarded by critical parental voices, but he was able to let go of the good/bad nonsense to the point where those internal voices no longer shouted at him or compelled him to behave appropriately. In my view, loving ones self is a step towards growing up. Thats what Ivan had to do in order to let go of his training in self-criticism. To continue to see yourself as others did in the past, or to limit your perspective to the way certain others view you today, is to avoid growing up. When we take full responsibility for our self, we no longer act as a victim to negative perspectives peddled by others. We recognize that we are equal with all other human beings, despite the different strengths and weaknesses we each have. We are all lovable in the eyes of some person, and our life works best for us when we are one of those persons.
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Strategies for appreciating and accepting self

1. Develop the habit of using the four As regularly acknowledging, accepting, approving and appreciating yourself, especially when you know you have done well. Reflect on the way the four As apply to even the seemingly little things, such as feeling loving towards others or animals. Get into the habit of recognizing that you are always doing your best, even when you mess up. Notice the little things you do for others, the positive intentions you have to build a good life for yourself, and the purposeful approach you have to even mundane everyday activities. 2. Notice the positive impact you have on the world around you in other words, the benefits the world gets from having your energy as a part of it. Notice what you have created from friendships, to objects you have made, to services you have provide for those near and dear to you, to the beauty and creativity youve generated.. 3. Take time to reflect, meditate, or contemplate on how you are constantly doing your best, in each moment. Notice that when you realize you have not acted as well as you would have liked, that there is a part of you wanting to be a better person. Acknowledge and appreciate that part of self. Notice there is something you could learn about how you, or others, function that would help you do a better best next time. Notice your intentions to create a better you when you work to give your best. 4. Notice how, if you are tough on yourself, it is because you are trying to be the best person you can be. Notice also that being tough on yourself does not tend to help you perform better. Understanding and accepting yourself is what achieves that. Whenever you are tempted to be tough on yourself, try compassionately understanding why you did what you did, and how next time you could more usefully try something different. Prune all temptations to speak negatively to yourself or about yourself. Instead, replace such indulgences with a determination to better understand your motives when you behave as you do. 5. Whenever you are feeling upset, bothered, angry or any emotion at all for that matter take some time to support yourself, much as you would do for someone else. Listen to what is going on inside you, take time to feel what is there without judgment. Feel what you feel without trying to fix or diminish that experience. Be with yourself as a loving parent would be with a distressed child. Be patient. Be tolerant. Be understanding. Be compassionate. 6. Treat yourself regularly, as you would a good friend. This doesnt have to involve money, but it will need to involve the desire to nurture and care for yourself, remembering that no one else can do this for you as well as you can. Remember, the best treat you can give yourself is acknowledgement, approval, acceptance, and appreciation. Get into the habit of giving yourself treats such as time out, a walk, pleasant music, time with a friend, time to read, time to walk off any emotional upsets.
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7. Spend time being quiet, whether through meditation or otherwise. Time spent listening to, tuning in to, and just being with your own energy supports your sense of self and self-support. This is a very powerful healing and rejuvenating strategy. Spending time meditating, feeling what you are feeling, listening to what your mind is chattering about, will all bring you back to you. This is being with yourself, a process that is very de-stressing and re-juvenating so long as you are just being with what is, and not indulging in self-criticism.
Exercise: How well do I love myself? When people are loving of each other, they make pleasant comments to reflect how they feel e.g. I love the way you are caring and thoughtful. Sadly, we rarely do this for ourselves. The extent to which you do or do not do this may become evident when you try this exercise. If you find some discomfort as you do this exercise, it will most likely be because you are very unused to applauding yourself. You may resist some of the statements because you dont think you are worthy enough. However, bear in mind that you dont have to be brilliant at something in order to have sufficient of that skill to justify appreciating it. Record the level of comfort or discomfort you feel as you read these statements to yourself. You may find that as you practice making these statements, you become more comfortable with them. Each time you revisit this exercise, notice if your responses reflect the increased love and appreciation you are giving yourself, and the reduced resistance to speaking well of yourself. The ultimate test is to make these statements about self to someone else. To do this you will be affirming yourself in the potentially critical presence of someone else. The ultimate would be to say them to your parents! You may wish to turn this exercise into an affirmation exercise, where you repeat these statements to yourself daily. I do this whenever Im emotionally thrown around by some event. I now take time on my own if Im upset and just telepathically connect to my emotional self, thinking these affirmations. E.g. I appreciate myself because I am empathetic. I appreciate myself because I am compassionate. I appreciate myself because Im patient, etc.
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Begin each statement with this phrase: I appreciate myself because.. Comfortable I am empathetic I am compassionate I am understanding I am accepting I am considerate I am respectful I am patient I am caring I am nurturing I am warm I am open I am able to listen I am reliable I am trustworthy I am confident I am responsible I am a problem-solver I am an action taker I am a decision-maker I am courageous I acquire new skills I improve myself I am open to new learning I am focused I am industrious I am adaptable I am persistent I take personal responsibility I am self-disciplined I am determined I am creative I am spontaneous I can be funny I am uplifting of others I connect well with others I am physically active I am doing my best I am positively intentioned No reaction Uncomfortable
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Chapter 17
Choice Twelve: Manifest your dreams, create your reality

All that we are is a result of what we have thought. Abraham Lincoln LAW OF INTENTION The energy of intention drives our motivation, actions and life in the direction of the intention. LAW OF CAUSE AND EFFECT: Our mind is the cause of both our inner and outer realities. LAW OF ATTRACTION: All energy is attracted to that which it is like. LAW OF CREATION: We create that which is a mirror of our own energy. Some of the steps toward empowerment that weve already considered have involved actively observing and understanding yourself, while others have been more focused on expanding yourself into the sort of person you want to be. This chapter is definitely in the latter category. To create the sort of reality you want in your life is less about changing or removing aspects of yourself, and more about designing yourself to be what best suits you, and thereby creating a future based on your own desires and planning. As Edward De Bono has suggested, maybe we should be in the design business rather than the excavation business. Maybe we should be designing our own style How do we begin? Design it and do it.1 Well, heres your chance. If you are new to looking at your beliefs, values, needs and taking personal responsibility, then it may well be that your life up until now has been designed by the beliefs, attitudes, values, expectations and needs of other people. Many may have been unconsciously adopted, rather than consciously chosen. Thus, the beliefs,
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attitudes, values, expectations and desires you were unaware of holding may have provided the creative building blocks of the life that you have found yourself living but didnt consciously create. To put it another way, others may have been the prime cause, or at least a leading cause, of your life direction to date. Has your inner reality been consciously chosen, or unconsciously programmed?
Your thinking creates

Be careful how you think; Because your life is shaped by your thoughts. Proverbs 4: 20-23 To come to an appreciation that your thoughts, attitudes and beliefs really do shape your life, is new for most people. Not only do they determine your moment-bymoment perceptions of yourself and each situation you encounter, but they also act like magnets, attracting your future life to you. In other words, the way you think and feel creates your reality on a level that most people never get to know about. Consider these sobering thoughts from Charles F. Haanel. Ninety-five percent of people are busy attempting to change effects. Something happens which they do not like and they try to change the situation. They soon find that they are changing one form of distress for another. The other five percent are busily engaged with causes. They know that in order to make permanent change it is the cause which they must seek. They soon find that the cause is within their control. It is the five percent that do the thinking, and the ninety-five percent which merely accept the thoughts of others. Now you can discover what those five percent know, and learn how to change the effects in your life by addressing causes. If my life isnt what I want it to be, then others beliefs might have influenced me. If my future is to be what I want it to be, then the design phase now must be up to me.
For most people, life just happens. As much as possible they try to exert some control, but that can only be successfully done when you know how the universe
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Manifest your dreams, create your reality
works, and what does the controlling. Very few actively and consciously create their life, and most will never know how it is done. But those who are consciously directing their life hold very clear intentions about what they want to happen. Most people just dream, and those dreams never become reality because of the way in which they are doing their dreaming. To dream and create requires the mastery of deliberate intent. 2 It also requires that you use your personal power; that is, your ability to use your willpower consciously and constructively. Psychologist David Stone explains:Your personal power is your will. Personal power translates into self-mastery, self-discipline, and the ability to remain focused and committed at all times and being the cause rather than the effect of your reality. It translates into being master of your self and your life rather than a victim. It also translates into having the spiritual-warrior archetype readily available at all times, being incredibly persevering and relentless in ones efforts. 3 Our future always lies within us, and is within our power to manifest as we choose if we choose. If we can connect with our inner self, we can listen to the direction it is encouraging us to move in. However most people definitely do not spend time listening to their inner self. If they did, they would not do jobs they hated, stay in relationships that hurt or frustrated them, and live a life that brought them no joy. The ideal life we were born to live lies as an energy of knowing within us. Those who have created a great life have made it happen. At a cellular level, we know who we are, why we are here, and what we want to do with our life. Unfortunately, very few of us were lucky enough to receive training in accessing this inner compass. However, it is never too late. As Maslow observed, the future now exists in the person of ideals, hopes, duties, tasks, plans, goals, unrealized potentials, mission, fate, destiny, etc. One for whom no future exists is reduced to the concrete, to hopelessness, to emptiness. For him, time must be endlessly filled. 4 Whenever someone tells me their life is boring, or they dont know what to do with their life, I know I am talking to someone who is not only out of touch with their self but also probably doesnt know how to take responsibility for consciously creating their life. Your life is what you have intended it to be. To change it, you will need to alter your intentions.
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People who live their life successfully and with personal power, that is, by manifesting the reality they want, do so by a process most others have never heard about. I must emphasize this point. We are all creating our future every minute of every day, but only a select few know that this process is happening, or how. Lets take a closer look at what this is all about.
What is your mind up to?

All that we are is the result of what we have thought: it is founded on our thoughts If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him Hatred does not cease by hatred at any time; hatred ceases by love Carpenters fashion wood; wise people fashion themselves. The Dhammapada In this third dimension where duality seems to reign, most people live within the rules of that duality and the polarities this creates. Such people are immersed in right/wrong, good/bad, success/failure, happiness/sorrow, single/partnered, liked/disliked, wealthy/poor and a number of other polarities that condemn them to spending their whole life seeking what they dont have. They believe that once it is found, it will make them happy. Such people chase after a series of dont haves so that they will increase their store of do haves. So if they dont have a car but want one, they will seek to get one, but will also probably continue to lament what they dont have. (As well see, this mindset is a BIG mistake.) This rat race approach to life brings little satisfaction, because it brings little. Most peoples lives are focused on wants and dont wants. This is the perfect recipe for not having. This approach, though, is not the one taken by those who utilize the universal energy system. The universal energy system operates within the third dimension and elsewhere, but by different rules. Because this energy system is not very transparent, few know that it exists, and even fewer learn to use it consciously. You may be about to join the ranks of those few who do. (For those interested, Book 2 expands on this current chapter, and teaches you, in great detail, the mechanics by which universal laws work, and provides examples of these working in everyday life. This current chapter though, used correctly, will provide all the know-how to totally revamp the direction of your life.) Dont be seduced by duality. Dance to the tunes of universal law. It is very important to understand how you can create the life you want for yourself, by yourself. The rules for making things happen may seem a bit bizarre if youre unfamiliar to them, because the actions you need to take are internal rather than
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external. What matters is more about what you do inside your inner reality, than outside of yourself in the external world.
Stephen Covey, well aware of how this works, reminds us to emphasise our need to begin with the end in mind, so that we begin with a clear focus on our destination. Begin with the end in mind, says Covey, based on the principle that all things are created twice. Theres a mental or first creation, and a physical or second creation to all things. 5 The life we create begins in the mind. Later, manifestation appears in the physical world. This cant happen, however, until you have adopted, and regularly utilize, the eleven levels of power already described in this book. Let me explain why. In the universal energy system, reality is created by your own energy field, the energy you emit or transmit from your energy body. The vibration your body puts out is determined by what is going on in your mind and emotions. Those who are able to discipline the mind, and root out unhelpful beliefs and perspectives, are able to generate intentions which incorporate both positive emotion and willpower. Working together, these energies of emotion and willpower create intentions and passions which ensure reality manifests according to these emitted energies. However, so long as youre burdened by pessimism, inner tensions, selfdoubt, negative perspectives, negative beliefs, or negative emotions, you are going to attract to you energies and manifestations that mirror these. That is why this chapter is last in this book. In order to fully create the life you want, you must address the mental processes which will hinder you from creating that which you desire. The way you think and then feel will determine what you attract. Here are the universal laws which describe how that happens.
The Arts of Creating and Attracting

Imagination is more important than knowledge. Albert Einstein The art here is that of creating an intention and then projecting the energy of that intention into the universal energy field. The energy field will manifest that which you have been energetically asking for. The rules that govern this process of
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creation are described below; they are all you need to understand in order to create a reality of your own choosing. The LAW OF ATTRACTION states that all energy is attracted to that which it is like. An expanded version of this law is that thoughts accompanied by emotions attract thoughts and feelings like them. They also attract situations which invite or reflect such thoughts and feelings. The LAW OF CREATION states that we create that which is a mirror of our own energy. An alternative version of this law is whatever you ask for, believe is possible, and intend will happen, you will create. The practice of intending always moves energy in the direction intended. Wallace Wattles, author of The Science of Getting Rich, words this same law in this way: Every thought of form, held in thinking substance, causes the creation of the form, but always, or at least generally, along lines of growth and action already established. 6 Another rather well known historical figure once said As you sow, so shall you reap.
Whatever you project energetically you can be sure youll manifest. This process is quite an art to perfect, and most people do not perfect it well enough to have it work for them. If you have negative beliefs about yourself, your life, your prospects, your relationships, or have negative perspectives about the way your future will unfold, then you will vibrate negative energies. If you feel flat or down about your life, your job, your prospects, your finances or anything else, your emotions will also be flat much of the time. In effect, if you think like a Victim, feel like a Victim and expect in the future to be a Victim, you will attract matching energies from the universe. Negativity attracts negativity. Positivity attracts positivity. Optimism attracts optimism. Pessimism attracts pessimism. Love attracts love. Hate attracts hate.
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In other words, because the universe mirrors the energies we put out, our negative energies must attract negative life experiences. Thus, negativity creates negativity. Fear attracts more fear - it even attracts situations which are likely to generate fear in you. Of course, the reverse is also true. People who are optimistic, positive, feel good about themselves, believe in themselves, seek answers within themselves, can visualize the ideal life they are attracted to, or are loving and compassionate, will attract a life that mirrors these energies. Love attracts more love and loving situations. Gratitude attracts more opportunities for which to be grateful. Optimism attracts a reality that justifies and expands that optimistic perspective.
Vision and creation begin within

Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. Carl Jung Most people dont usually interpret life in the way Ive just described. A person who experiences opportunities to be a Victim will claim that life is unfair, people are unfair, and that this would all change if so-and-so would do this, and so-and-so would do that. Their perception is that something is being done to them, which on the surface may appear to be so. However, what is really happening is that life is reflecting back to them their own energy.
Notice your thoughts now! Notice your mood now! For they are creating your tomorrow! For this reason, it is imperative that we identify any tendencies we may have to attract negative energies into our life. It is smart to detect and eradicate pessimistic and Victim-like energies. In fact, any tendency to act from the Control Drama Triangle will bring more of those experiences into your life. Throughout this book and indeed this whole series of books, it has been my intention to make you acutely aware of how you attract negative energies into your life, and how you can turn these around to being positive. I have already alerted you to the laws of universal energetic functioning that impact on your life, and shown you how to turn a negative life into a positive one. Be aware, though, that every
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thought and every emotion generated by that thought is sending out a message to the universe which is then reflecting those energies back to you via the life that is manifesting in front of you. You create your reality by the energies you put out. Choose carefully how you think. It is your mind that creates your energy in concert with the emotions your thinking generates. It is therefore important to learn how to use your mind effectively. The mind is the source of all creation. It is with our mind that we create the negative emotions of fear, anxiety, worry, guilt, self-doubt and self-criticism. Such negative thinking attracts negative energies, which manifest as a life in which all these emotions have opportunities to flourish. Conversely, optimistic, positive, clear-thinking, motivated, enthusiastic, peaceful, trusting, honest people are able to stay relaxed, focused and have a clear mind. The reality of their lives reflects their mindset.
Notice the law of attraction working

The only two things we create in this world are ourselves and our own reality. Olga Kharitidi Now that youve been told how the law of attraction works, youll begin to see it happening in your everyday life providing of course that you know what to look for. Lets consider for a moment some examples of how this works in the real world, so youll perhaps catch these laws in action. Begin by thinking back to your days at school. Who did you mix with then and why? What similarities did you and your friends share? Why did you choose them, and not others? On reflection, can you see that you were attracted to those who in various ways were like you? Now consider some of the others who were at school with you. Why did the sporty kids hang around with those also interested in sport? What did those who hung out together in the library have in common? How about the musos what attracted them to spending time making music together? Consider also the kids who got into trouble who did they get around with? You may be able to see, looking back, how the law of attraction was constantly at work. No matter who you recall, you will realize that they got around
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with others who were in some way like them - those who shared interests, hobbies, knowledge, intellect, home backgrounds, parental encouragement - in short, shared similar life experiences, and thus similar energies. People who are attracted to each other, have some similar or complementary energies. This energetic match may be even more apparent in your current adult relationships. You may have heard it said that when it comes to romance, opposites attract. However, the truth is rather more complex. When two people meet, they are attracted by two things in particular the aspects of the other that are like self (like attracting like), and the aspects of the other that are like their desired self (desired like attracting like). (If you think romantic attraction is based on pheromones, a sexy body, money or promises of excitement, then look a little deeper.) When an honest person likes another for their honesty, for example, it is like attracting like. However, if an introvert is attracted to an extrovert, it may be because the introvert would like to be more like the extrovert. A quiet person, therefore, may be attracted to someone for their ability to be outgoing, a trait that they, the introvert, desires. Similarly, a chatty gregarious person may be attracted to someone who is quiet and reflective, because there is an aspect of the extrovert that would like this introverted quality for themselves. Thus, although it appears that opposites are attracting, there is really attraction to that opposite quality because of something within that resonates with it. Thus, a would-be-introvert is attracted to the introvert, and a would-be-extrovert attracted to the extrovert. In general, people are attracted to others for qualities they share, or qualities they admire in the other that resonates with the same but less developed quality in self. Opposites may appear to attract, but in truth, like attracts like. Harville Hendrix, who developed Imago Therapy for working with couples, considers that we are attracted to a match of our childhood experiences. In fact the name Imago comes from the Latin word for image. He formed a branch of couples counselling based on the notion that we are attracted to those who are like us. We are even attracted to those whose damaging experiences in childhood in some way match our own. Here is what Hendrix has to say about this process: To guide you in your search for the ideal mate, someone who both resembled your caretakers and compensated for the repressed parts of yourself, you relied on an unconscious image of the opposite sex that you have been forming since birth. 7 But this process is unconscious. It is occurring within your body/mind/emotional system without you noticing it. You are giving off a signal, and being unconsciously attracted to potential mates, for reasons beyond your awareness. How scary is that!
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We seek the nectar we like the best

When the flower blooms, the bees come uninvited. Ramakrishna After many years of working with couples, I can tell you that it is difference that leads to most relationship conflict, even though difference may initially generate attraction. We are most attracted to aspects of others that are similar to what we like in self, or would like more of in self, and this similarity, especially if clearly owned understood, rarely leads to conflict. We may not, however, always like the characteristics in another which are similar to what we seek in self. The introvert, for example, may be attracted to someone who is out there, but eventually finds the extrovert loud, noisy, never home, over the top, never quiet, and too self-assured. The extrovert, meanwhile, attracted to someone who is deeply reflective, quiet and unassuming, may eventually find the introvert too timid, quiet, a party pooper, noncommunicative, secretive, and so on. Qualities that used to attract are now the source of conflict. And why do they cause conflict? Because most of us want our partners to be just like us, not the interesting person they started out to be. In fact, in times of conflict, we may demand it! Although we might claim otherwise, the sources of conflict are often a reflection of genuine (and therefore not understood) differences in the relationship. Thus, while we were thinking our partners were interesting and different originally, now we may find them annoying and different. While once we were fascinated by this difference, we may now be riled by it. Of course this may not be in regards to every trait, but it will often be true of some. If we are able to enjoy differences in our partner, then a part of us is energetically appreciating that difference. In that case, like is appreciating like, because we are appreciating in the other a less developed part of self which recognises itself functioning in our partner.
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If those we are with vibrate significantly different energies, then ultimately we wont want to be with them. An archetypal example of how differences mask like attracting like, was a woman who came to me and told me she had married her husband because he was quiet, considerate and a tee-totaller, unlike her aggressive, pushy and alcoholic father. However, she eventually left the relationship because she found her husband insipid, timid and gutless! This woman had found that shed been hardwired to look up to aggression and overt strength. No matter what she tried to tell herself would be better, her husband did not vibrate on the wavelength shed become conditioned to. The couples that have the best chance of success, then, are actually those who are similar. If they have similar personalities, similar needs, similar values, similar interests, or similar skills, they are likely to get on better, because they both understand each other, and resonate with a similar energy. Its a bit like two C notes on the piano sounding similar, whereas a C and a D will not be in harmony. Because we are made up of many different energies (our personality type, gender, needs, values to name a few), we will tend to get on best with someone with whom we have a lot in common, even though there will still be some differences. This is like comparing a C minor seventh chord with one that is similar, such as a C major seventh. The two collections of notes making up the chord are different, but similar. We are drawn to those like us (like attracting like). We tend to dislike those very different to us (dislike caused by difference). Consider other examples like these in your life. How does your home reflect the energy of who you are? How does the music you like, the artwork, your clothes, your reading material reflect your vibration, and therefore the energy you put out and the energies you attract? Which shops are you drawn to because they offer what you like? In what ways are the friends you have attracted a mirror of what you are like yourself? If the job you have attracted is a reflection on you, what does it say about you? Personal Reflection: Consider that everything around you is a reflection of your energy. What are you pleased you have attracted? What have you attracted that you dont like? What beliefs, perspectives, values, attitudes or emotional reactions could be responsible? What changes could you make in your everyday attitudes that would improve your energy, and therefore attract to you a better life?
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You may have habitually low vibration

Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans John Lennon People who are still immersed in victim consciousness (such as blaming, being constantly pessimistic, worried or indecisive), who naturally persecute others when unable to recognize and meet their own needs, or who persecute or disempower themselves habitually, generate a low vibration which is present in them virtually all of the time. In other words, even though they may have their positive moments, their underlying energy, which dominates their everyday existence, is doing them no favours. Because this describes the mindset of most people on the planet, most people attract misery into their lives. For this reason, it is imperative that you pay attention to how you are feeling most of the time. Ask yourself why you are feeling that way and what you can do about it. Our vibration is at its best when we are listening to our inner self, we feel good about who we are, we are doing work, hobbies or activities that we love, we have constructive and supportive relationships, we are living in a harmonious environment, and we are thinking in ways that are positive rather than anxious, worrying or depressive. Be discerning about the energy you vibrate. Ensure that you keep your spirits up. Choose thoughts and activities that are uplifting. Most people do not have much going on for them that is uplifting. That means that in order to maintain a higher vibration, they must adopt very positive perspectives about the state of their life, and not be so bothered by what isnt working well. This is challenging to do, but certainly not impossible. There are plenty of poor people living in tough circumstances who are also very happy. They are often quietly doing simple things that they really love, such as raising children. Or, they are raising their vibration simply by loving the people they share their life with. What this boils down to is attitude. Those with a positive attitude are more likely to attract a good life than those who dont have that. Those who are optimistic, hopeful, and look on the bright side of life are more likely to attract a positive reality into their lives simply because of the energy they vibrate. It really is that simple. It is not your upbringing, your wealth, your health or your possessions that create a great life. It is having a loving, appreciative, positive, purposeful, optimistic outlook on life that is most likely to bring you the real treasures treasures brought to you when the universe reflects back to you your high, intentionally created vibration.
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Personal Reflection: Consider some activities you could do regularly that would bring you joy, happiness, contentment, excitement and so on. Reflect on grumpy, gloomy or other pessimistic attitudes that sometimes take over your life. Decide what you can do next time they appear so that you can lift yourself into a more positive emotional space. Notice what you love to do. How could you do more of it? Notice what brings you down. How could you do less of it?
Habit will generate your dominant emotion

Each day I must consciously be myself, consciously creating the self Ill want to be tomorrow. Jeff Saunders One of the most likely reasons for habitually low energy is that you are not aware of who you are, not in tune with who you are, or not feeling who you are, and so you are not living life from your true self. If you dont know how you function or why, then your life is a hit and miss affair. You may also have lost touch with the passion that would inject enthusiasm and direction into your life. Heres how this low energy state can come about. Each day, you are required to make decisions constantly. These ask you to tune in to yourself and respond from your needs, beliefs, values, desires and passions. Should you at any stage respond so as not to honour these aspects of your true self, then you will be fighting against yourself. In other words, to be fully in your power, you must first know, then listen to, and then act on your true needs, beliefs, values, desires and passions. If at any time you do not respond from your true self, then there will be an internal mismatch of energies. Part of you will be energetically heading in one direction, and another part heading off on a different tangent. Thus, you will be internally split, and your energies will be diluted and mixed. Such a person (and most people are like this) will have great difficulty generating the life they want for
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themselves, because they dont really know what they want or where theyre going and their day to day reality will reflect that internal state.
Know who you are and where youre going. Then youll be that person heading there. Many years ago, I was involved in the church in a big way, including being a leader of several youth groups. However, at one point I realized that my beliefs were not aligned with those of the church I was attending, nor were my needs for spiritual expression being met. I struggled with the mismatch between what I was taught and expected to follow, and what I knew in myself to be my truth my true self. I did the sensible thing and left the church, and sought to get my spiritual needs met elsewhere. As I did so, I formed new beliefs and values which suited me, and which were consistent with who I wanted to be and the way I saw my world. As I look back at that time, I can see that my beliefs, values, needs, desires and passions have evolved. They have not remained constant - but I have always ensured that they remain true to who I am. When your life is not aligned with who you really are, youll feel out of sorts. It is my view that it is the internal mismatches within people that keep them stuck. For example, how can you ever be wealthy if you have negative beliefs about wealthy people? How can you ever have a good relationship if you are seeking happiness on the one hand, but are not willing to ensure you value your needs and seek to get these met when these arise? How can you ever expect peace in your life, if you are tolerating people who constantly create conflict? How can you ever expect spiritual fulfilment if you are following a religion espousing values, beliefs or practices you disagree with? How can you possibly ever feel good about being yourself if you are constantly self-critical? If Im often unsettled with me, my life will certainly unsettled be. You may now understand why so many of the twelve choices are about how you relate to yourself. Quite apart from the emotional pain that you will cause by being non-aligned with yourself, the impact on the life you will create will be enormous.
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Not to put too fine a point on it, if you dont love, accept, be kind, be caring, and consistent with who you are, your life will inevitably be a shambles. You will be having a range of thoughts and emotions, which will be generating a vast array of different energies. What is the universe going to reflect back when it experiences such inconsistency from you? If you are generating inconsistent emotions, then life will reflect inconsistency back to you. More than likely, you will be generating the habitual low frequency energy we spoke of earlier, because you have not addressed the internal battles raging within. Your unmet needs, limiting beliefs and imported values are constantly sending out signals of the sort you dont want the universe to be hearing. You will be emitting a constant hum of negative energy. You will not be producing positive emotions for long enough to get much traction into a great life. Jerry and Esther Hicks put it this way: When you love someone, or yourself, you are a vibrational match to who you really are. But if you are finding fault with yourself or another, you are, in that moment, offering a vibration that does not match who you really are, and the negative emotion you feel is your indicator that you have introduced a vibration of resistance and that you are no longer allowing the pure connection between the Physical You and the Non-Physical part of You.8 Whenever youre feeling out of sorts, seek a way to refocus your mind so youll feel better. If you detect that you are feeling out of sorts, or experiencing destructive emotions, dont despair. Just use the techniques I taught you in Chapter 11 for resolving unpleasant emotion, and then seek strategies for transforming negative thoughts into positive ones outlined in Chapter 10.
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Create feelings that will attract what you want

Like the sculptors who, with time and practice, learn to mold the clay into the precise desired creation, you can learn to mold the Energy that creates worlds through the focus of your own mind. Abraham in Ask and It Is Given At any one moment, we are in one of the following three feeling states: 1. Negative emotional state This is always indicating Victim energy, even if at a low key level. If you are feeling fearful, anxious, worried, nervous, depressed, shamed, guilty, humiliated, tearful you are in a one-down energetic state. Most of these emotions are generated by habitual viewpoints towards life, or unresolved childhood issues. All or any of them will attract to you a miserable life. 2. Bland emotional state When in this neutral emotional state, your life is just trundling along, but you wont be creating anything exciting or interesting. Youll be attracting a very hum-drum lifestyle and people, and may very well find yourself getting bored with this humdrum existence. Lots of people spend most of their time in this emotional state. 3. Positive emotional state Now youre really in the zone. Now youre in a positive creational mode due to the fact that youve somehow picked up your energy. You could have done this by experiencing a fun, exciting or loving moment in your life, or you could have consciously created the moment. Because positive emotional moments for most people dont occur very often, it is helpful to have strategies that pump your energy and give you a vibrational lift. Any positive emotional state will be creating future similar emotional experiences for you. There are many ways in which to lift your emotional state, and I have found it helpful to have several ideas at hand that I can use whenever Im feeling flat or down. For example, I particularly enjoy being in nature. I can fully enjoy birdsong, plant colours and scents, animals, and so on. When I spend time totally divorced from the world of doing, I am able to become one with whatever my attention is focused on. Its at these times that I am most likely to experience pure joy. In fact, whenever you spend time being totally focused on something you are appreciating, you are allowing yourself to enjoy being truly alive, because you are fully feeling the experience of that moment. Be right here, right now, mindlessly enjoying the moment.
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You can also give yourself a lift by enjoying music, the laughter of a friend, a physical workout where you can feel your body in action, an enjoyable or inspiring book, an uplifting TV program, and so on. If you are feeling down, a simple affirmation may be enough to pick you up. A couple of affirmations I use regularly are I am love, I am peace, I am wisdom, I am harmony, I am love in action, I am getting happier and happier in every way every day. Have one or two strong and uplifting affirmations available for those challenging moments. Plan ways to lift your energy just as soon as you notice you need a lift. In general, though, perhaps the easiest, strongest and most sustainable activity is to give gratitude for the life you live. Lets consider in more detail how that works.
Adopt an attitude of gratitude

Everything in our lives first starts from within. Jeff Saunders I can tell you from experience, that even when you are determined to raise your vibration, and therefore attract a better life, it is very challenging indeed to maintain that high-energy state. Often I will sit in bed in the morning before getting up, or take time off during the day, and consciously raise my energy. I do this by putting myself in a loving or appreciative state. These are perspectives that will immediately give my energy a lift, and they are very easy to do.
The first process I attend to is to bring more love into my energy signature. Sometimes I sit and feel an appreciation, respect, acceptance and valuing of myself. I
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dont need to have accomplished anything in order to do this I do it simply because Ive learned the value of being with myself in a loving way. I can also feel more loving by hugging or spending time talking to my partner, by enjoying the chatter of my step-daughter, or by giving the cat some time on my knee. I know that when Im feeling loving, Im giving the signal to the universal energy field that this is what I want more of. Im also able, while feeling loving, to develop an attitude of gratitude for the quality of my life, and for the day that lies ahead of me. Love is one of the most powerful emotions. Generating love will bring more of it into your life. Love your life, so youll attract a life you love. Appreciating the beauty around me is rather similar to having a loving feeling. The uplifting sensation is similar. By appreciating the life I have, I am able to generate emotions consistent with what I want more of. Therefore, I am guaranteed to stay emotionally on track, sending out the messages I want reflected back to me. I appreciate the people in my life and the richness they bring into it, I appreciate the lovely home I am in and its special qualities, I enjoy the beauty of the garden, and any opportunities to improve it. I appreciate the sun, wind, plants or little animals I come across during my day. I appreciate the many lovely people that come to see me in my professional work, and am always struck by how much effort people put into doing their best to make their lives worthwhile. Appreciation is now a habit for me. I do it often because Ive trained myself to do it often. This habit brings with it an uplifting charge to my energy field on an ongoing basis. When I am being appreciative, I am also spending time in the present moment, and ignoring all the other busy-ness of life. This adds further to my feelings of well-being. Appreciate the goodness and successes in your life if you want more of them. Remember that it is your overall, general energy that is the most attracting force, because it is present most often. Therefore any strategy that consistently brings positive emotion into your life is going to be more energetically significant than the odd emotional peak you may occasionally experience. In the Buddhist tradition, it is well known that a strategy used by the residents of Shambhala, the great city that according to myth was populated only by advanced souls, was to notice how life was so good. This civilization observed that the way of nature was to be bountiful to the citizens of earth, both aesthetically and materially. These people recognized that the earth always produced abundance, and so by noticing and appreciating this, they could attract further goodness into their lives. They recognized that to view life as being abundant, beautiful, exciting, loving and so on had the effect of not only lifting ones mood, but also brought richness to the experience of being alive, and attracted further richness and appreciation of life.9 Quite obviously, it is also useful to remain optimistic, hopeful and positive, because these are also energies that are consistent with the way you would want your
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world to be. Such attitudes are telling the universe (energetically) that this is what works for you, this is who you are, and so bring on more of the same. I therefore look forward to my writing, and am positive that what I write will one day help others. I dont give a moments thought, for example, to the possibility that my books may not sell at all. This is because nothing is served by letting my mind go there.
I take a similarly positive attitude with my clients, always assuming they will be able to improve their lives once helped to see how to do so. I sometimes tell them that I will hang in and support them just so long as they are prepared to do the same, so that they too can take the perspective that with effort and positive intentions, anything is possible. Choose uplifting perspectives and emotional choices. The universe will reflect more of these back to you.
The love-of-self gratitude attitude

Love is the reward of love. Johann von Schiller Arguably the most powerful thing you can do is to love yourself. Quite apart from the gains I pointed out in the previous chapter, when you love yourself, you will be carrying around a constant positive energy that must bring positive energy back to you. If you are constantly feeling good about yourself, allowing yourself respectfully and compassionately to make mistakes and be less than perfect, appreciating the way you endeavour to live your life, and accepting yourself at all times, the universe will be able to reflect back this love to you. Put differently, the universe will have to bring more love to you. That is the law. As Jerry and Esther Hicks point out, Once your focused attention has sufficiently activated a dominant vibration within you, things wanted or unwanted will begin to make their way into your personal experience.10 Loving yourself, then, is the way to catch the express train to the life you imagine. By staying appreciative, accepting, respectful, approving, valuing, caring, and supportive of yourself, you will attract situations and/or people that vibrate matching energies. Then you will find it easy and likely that the love you have for yourself will be reflected back when you are with others. Thus, loving self leads to love for others. This then will further increase the energy of love you will be sending out, and the amount you will get back.
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If you are loving, you will also have an impact on others, who are more likely to be loving when in the presence of someone else who is. Thus, the process of loving yourself will have a multiplier effect, and bring love to all aspects of your life, and very possibly also to others who are in your orbit.
Loving yourself is the fastest way to create a love-filled life. Some people I have spoken to worry (not a helpful energy) about their moments of anger or anxiety. Remember that it is not the occasional emotional spike in the graph of your negative emotions that matters most it is the level at which these emotions flat-line that is more significant. So certainly, whenever negative emotions arise, embrace them, stay with them, consciously allow them to come and go. Certainly dont ignore, repress, or deny them just because they are negative. Successfully owning and working through them is the way to remove them from your energy field most effectively and efficiently. Otherwise, feel good about your life, enjoy the sunshine, appreciate new buildings as they go up, feel grateful for the green areas in your neighbourhood, enjoy your workmates, love the job you have, appreciate your life in general these are the attitudes that really make a difference to your energy. Appreciate everything you have, so youll have everything you appreciate. In my own life, those days on which Im feeling happy and positive seem to flow better than when Ive allowed myself to feel down, gloomy or worried. People bounce off my higher energy, the day seems brighter, my life seems to be on a positive track, I enjoy the phone calls that I get, and, often, useful synchronicities bring unexpected pleasures or gifts into my life. I have similarly noticed that if Im having a day of lower energy (sometimes because Ive allowed myself to be affected by the low energy of someone else), then problems and challenges seem to compound. Furthermore, my mood affects others and we all head on a negative rollercoaster until something breaks the sequence of negativity. Ive now learned that it is me who must break that cycle. I have to come up with ideas as to what I can do to lift my own energy. I might go for a walk, listen to music, chat to a friend, read a book, watch sport or an uplifting documentary on TV, spend time in a caf with my
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partner anything that will jolt me out of my negativity and place me in a position to process whatever my gloom is about, and return to appreciating myself and my life. Personal Reflection: Day to day, what is your energy like? Optimistic? Pessimistic? Appreciative? Critical? Focused? Unfocused? Positive? Negative? Loving? Bored? What changes could you make in your everyday attitudes/activities that would improve your energy, and therefore attract to you a better life? What could you appreciate yourself for having done, or been, today? What daily routine could you put in place so as to treat yourself more respectfully, acceptingly, approvingly and appreciatively than usual?
How to create a great future

The future is not some place we are going to, but one we are creating. The paths are not to be found, but made, and the activity of making them, changes both the maker and the destination. John Schaar Here is a summary of some key aspects of what you must understand and do in order to consciously create the future you want for yourself. 1. The energy you emit is the energy you attract. Termed the attraction reaction, you cant lie about your energy. What you put out is what you get back, and there is no way you can pretend what you want because your energy signature is like a thumb print exclusive to you. It never lies. 2. If you emit the energy of lack and scarcity, then this is what you will attract. As you sow, so shall you reap. Put out fear, and youll attract fearful experiences into your life. Put out love (easiest to do when you love yourself), and then that is what will come back to you. 3. If you want something in your life, then you will emit an energy of wanting but not having, so you will continue not to have what you want because your energy is
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telling the universe that you dont have something, and also telling the universe that lack is the energy to be mirrored. 4. The way to get what you want, is to be what you want. By actually going through the experience of being what you want, you will tell the universe you have it, and so the universe must provide it. Simple as that. Be grateful, be loving, be hopeful, be optimistic, be wealthy. 5. If you take yourself through an imaginary process of being what you want to be, you will attract what you are experiencing being so you will then have that image materialize. Then you can experience the life you were imagining, and thus be doing what works for you. For example, create the experience of being loving. Imagine hugging your partner. Then enjoy having that experience coming to you in other forms. Have the hugs with the partner you have attracted. Then you will be doing that experience as part of daily life. Keep the intimacy going as part of what you do each day. Be, have and do is the sequence of creation. Do, have, be is the mistaken sequence most people use to try and create their reality. 6. The easiest way to be what you are wanting to have, is to appreciate what you currently do. The logic here is that if you are vibrating enjoyment of, say, a holiday, you are energetically telling the universe to bring more holiday energy into your life. If you are appreciating the love in your life, you are vibrating that experience as you recall the amount of love you already have, while at the same time attracting a reflection of that energy. Appreciate what you have, to have more of what you appreciate. 7. Put time aside each day to vibrate the energies you want more of in your life. Put energy in the bank, so to speak, so that you will attract interest on that same energy. Create a daily routine experiencing (through imagination or in reality) energies of appreciation, beauty, love, positivity, optimism, self-care and self-love. 8. Attend to all thoughts that are negative. These will not only make you feel discomfort while thinking them, but will attract more of that energy into your life. It is these limiting mindsets that are currently keeping you stuck. (See earlier chapters for ideas about how to erase unhelpful thoughts and emotions.) 9. Learn to love yourself, develop beliefs and values that are uniquely your own, and tune into and meet your own needs. By doing all of these, you will consistently generate a positive energy. 10. Use the current state of your life as a way to measure the energy youve been putting out. In other words, realizing that you have attracted what youve got, notice
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what isnt the way youd like it to be. This will give you insight not only into what you are attracting unconsciously that you may not want, but will also guide you to any limiting beliefs, values, or attitudes that are getting in the way of creating what would work better for you. The life you now have is the life that your previous energies have created for you.
The skill to attract what you want in life, and create the sort of life you would most love, requires attention to many details, which are explained in later books, especially in Book 2. In order to prepare, though, for the opportunity to consciously create the life of your choice, you must attend to any automatic, repetitive, nonsense thinking that currently plagues your life, so that you dont create a reality that reflects any negativity still in your mind. Most people still have some work to do to train their mind to be positive, affirming, appreciating and loving. Furthermore if you learn to accept and love yourself as I teach in Book 3 and 4, then you will in turn put a stop to negative self-beliefs and negative self-talk. In Book 2, I will also explain a great deal more about the laws of attraction and creation, so youll have a crystal clear understanding of how to make them work for you.
Strategies for creating the life you want

1. Notice all negative thinking, understand its best intentions, recognize that it doesnt work for you, develop a strong intention to let those thoughts drop away, and then weed them out before they have the power to produce further unwanted seeds. Without judgment, just notice which of your thoughts and actions dont enhance your life, and then once you have developed understanding of these, allow them to drop away. 2. Cultivate those thoughts that you want to flourish in the garden of your life. Know that they will produce seeds of similar thoughts and experiences. Spend time each day cultivating these thoughts, knowing that the more you do, the more certainly you will be creating a garden of lush abundance. Develop a routine of being still and imagining life as you plan to live it. 3. Give time for the feelings of enthusiasm, desire, purpose, enjoyment, love and laughter to germinate in your mind and emotions. The more time you spend in these
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energies, the more you will attract the same. Get into the habit of appreciating your life, and whatever experiences come your way day to day. 4. Take the time to determine what you would most want to have, experience, or be in your life. What ideal life journey would you love to walk? What are your goals? What meaning or purpose do you want in your life? Book 2 will help you to develop these, and will also help you to develop those clear, positive intentions that will generate the energies you want the universe to respond to. 5. Cultivate a love for life and a love for yourself. These attitudes provide the escalator to the garden of opportunity and abundance. Make a daily practice of enjoying the birds and the bees, lovely people in your life, the night sky, the warmth of the air anything at all. Notice the little things an opening flower, the laugh of a child, the smell of cut grass so that youll begin to regularly vibrate positive energy, and attract the same.
Personal Reflection: Reflect on what you must discipline yourself to be doing daily, if you are indeed to consciously create the life you desire. Reflect also on how much time you are/you are not prepared to waste until this process is begun. When will you do, each day, the required creative imagining exercises? Write your intentions in Must Do Activities in My Personal Planner.
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Chapter 18
So, whats next?

You have now had an introduction to the path of personal development. This book has alerted you to the key factors in your inner world that will require attention if you are to have a successful and empowered life. I have shown you what is involved in the business of personal change, and the sort of inner work that will hugely enrich your life. However, this is only the beginning. The next six books will take you even further. In them, I expand on why it is useful to think of ourselves as energetic beings, and how you can use this knowledge to take the express train to a better life. Look for these in bookstores soon. The names may not be exactly as they are at the time Book 1 goes to print, but the book number and related content will be. Book 2: Your Attraction Reaction The full story behind the secret of deliberate creation The most important ingredient to getting a better life is the way you manage your energy. In this book, I explain how we create our own energy, and how this energy attracts that which is like it into our lives. You will learn just why it is so important to manage what you think and feel, and why it is very unhelpful to indulge in negative thinking. I explain what you can do to uplift your mind, allowing yourself to feel better on a daily basis, and the impact this will have on the life you attract to yourself. In addition, I demonstrate the power behind setting powerful intentions and making wise choices. In the second half of the book, you will discover how to use this knowledge to set achievable goals that reflect who you really are, who you really want to be, and what you want to achieve. You will be taught how creating the life you want is more about developing clear and focused intentions, than running around trying to make everything work out. Book 3: Mastering Your Happiness Intelligence Believe it or not, you can learn how to become happy, and this book tells you the tricks. It is a combination of recent research on Positive Psychology and the wisdom of ancient spiritual disciplines. Happiness is achieved firstly by perceiving the world in a particular way; secondly, by managing your racing and chatty mind; thirdly, by
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learning the skills of coming to know yourself, and fourthly, learning to treat yourself as no one else has probably ever done. You will be given many strategies for uplifting your life simply by the way in which you live each day. Book 3 will provide you with a range of activities that are easy to understand and apply. By the time youve read it, you will have at your fingertips all of the known happiness-generating practices from both the East and West. Book 4: Sane minds From mental madness to mindful mastery Much human misery is caused by the adoption of distorted beliefs, perceptions, and mindsets. These influence the way you see yourself, and are a prime cause of low self-esteem, low self-confidence, and feelings of failure. From childhood, we have been indoctrinated with mental rubbish, which has a massive impact on our quality of life. By exploring how our experience of life is afflicted by dualistic perspectives, right and wrong nonsense, the belief that our problems are out there, and limited thinking, Book 4 shows you how to travel from mental madness to achieving mastery over the way you interpret your world. It will very likely alert you to distorted mindsets you never knew you had, and never knew were undermining your quality of life. Book 5: Change Your Mind and Mind Your Change Once you understand that humans are energy-in-action, you will better appreciate why we behave as we do, and how we get ourselves stressed and unhappy by not understanding how we actually function. In Change Your Mind and Mind Your Change, I show you how you can improve your perception, thoughts, values and emotions so that you take the angst out of life and put the enjoyment back in. The book helps you to understand your styles of perception, thinking, beliefs, values and meeting of needs, and how to make these work better for you. I will also show you how you can improve your thinking and mindsets and thus alter virtually any emotional state. You will also learn just how connected your mental states are to your health, and how to improve your health by changing your mind and then minding the change. You will learn also how to detect and alter limiting beliefs, how these have the power to wreck your life, and how to change them. Book 6: The Path to Emotional Peace The sixth book in the series, The Path to Emotional Peace, attends to the topic of energy manifesting as emotion or sensation in the body, and how to heal past trauma. Emotional intelligence is poorly understood by the general population, which is extremely disempowering, and causes the ruin of many promising relationships. I show you in Book 6 how to increase your emotional intelligence, and thereby improve almost every sphere of your life. Included are many tips on how to deal to button-pushing emotions those triggers that get in the way of our closest relationships. I offer you many very important tools for reducing stress and relaxing
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the mind, simply by the way in which you manage your day-to-day life. The book concludes with the outcomes of mismanagement of the mind negative emotional states, and how to escape from these. In particular, I explain how two of the worst maladies facing humans depression and anxiety are created and how to beat them. Book 7: Journeys to Inner Space The seventh book in this series offers an advanced understanding of how energy works in the world, and especially in your world. I explain the operation of intuition, an aspect of emotional intelligence, and provide you with strategies for both enhancing the experience and making use of it. Journeys to Inner Space also investigates what is currently known about the holographic functioning of the universe, the implications for your own personal development, and how you can make better use of universal energies. Chief amongst these is the manner in which you create your own everyday reality. I explore how those who understand the functioning of universal energy make use of it in their lives, including a sizeable section on meditation and how to use it to transcend stress and problem emotional states. Book 7 draws knowledge from both leading-edge Quantum Physics and enlightened spiritual masters to plumb the worlds of energy, to reveal how we can access them, and how we can use them to our advantage in everyday life. My commitment to you in this series is to cover the field of personal development, and also life coaching, in depth. To do this required more than one book, and even though I would have liked to include everything under one cover, that simply was not possible. The seven books in this series have been written as a unified body of work, and will work best if treated as a single life-coaching course. Therefore reading all seven is the best way to fully comprehend what empowered people do to take charge of their lives. Having said that, because each book stands on its own as a life-coaching manual, following just one book and the exercises it contains could bring you life-changing consequences. My wish for you is that you are able to see just how much your life has improved as a result of following the exercises I have taken you through. I wish you well as you take daily steps to put into practice these life-changing skills. Jeff Saunders, June 2010
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LAWS OF THE UNIVERSAL ENERGY SYSTEM

LAW OF UNIVERSAL FUNCTIONING: Everything is energy. Directing this energy provides us with power. LAW OF MENTAL FUNCTIONING: Thoughts are energy and therefore have power. LAW OF PERSONAL POWER: Personal power is an energy which directs, and can be directed by, an individual who has mastered their inner world. LAW OF WINNERS: Winners build and conserve energy. They share it only with those seeking to build and conserve personal power. LAW OF INTENTION: The energy of intention drives our motivation, actions and life in the direction of the intention. LAW OF PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY: Winners take full responsibility for their energy, beliefs, emotions, needs, values, actions, life direction and life circumstances. LAW OF MOTIVATION: The perspectives we take motivate our choices, intentions and behaviours, no matter how closely these match actual, or rational, reality. LAW OF DISCIPLINE: Winners manage their energy wisely and use it to focus on only what really matters. LAW OF PERCEPTION: What we choose to focus on, and the meaning we give to that perception, determines what we think about, how we feel, and thus our experience of inner and outer realities. LAW OF IDENTITY CREATION: We create the energy of self through selfbeliefs, self-talk and the way we believe others see us. We then believe and act from this identity. LAW OF FEELING FUNCTIONING: Feelings are energy and therefore have power. They communicate to us our inner reality and higher self knowing. LAW OF EMOTIONAL MANAGEMENT: Emotions that are acknowledged, accepted, and owned will transform their energy into emotional healing, insight and awareness of needs. LAW OF SELF-BELIEF: Perspectives about self repeated by the mind create the energies of self-belief. We then use these beliefs to determine our place in the world.
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LAW OF BALANCE: When our energy system becomes unbalanced and communicates to us discomfort or pain, meeting needs will return us to balance and health. LAW OF BELIEF CREATION: Perspectives repetitiously held in the mind create a unique version of reality and ultimately our beliefs. We then use these beliefs to interpret our world. LAW OF INNER CHANGE: Inner change occurs when a perceptual and energetic shift occurs in both mental and emotional bodies. LAW OF FREEDOM FROM EMOTIONAL SUFFERING: Recognizing that everything is changing and impermanent, trusting in self, acceptance and nonattachment reduce suffering. LAW OF LOVING: Unconditional love will naturally arise when negative thoughts about self or others are transformed through understanding and appreciation. LAW OF CAUSE AND EFFECT: Our mind is the cause of both our inner and outer realities. LAW OF ATTRACTION: All energy is attracted to that which it is like. LAW OF CREATION: We create that which is a mirror of our own energy.
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My Personal Planner
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My Goals from Reading This Book

(Exercise from the Introduction) You have an opportunity here to record the results of your work throughout the book. This chapter will be the most important once you have finished the book, because it will contain your own personal insights and the challenges you want to give yourself in order that your life becomes as functional and successful as possible. Sense of Mission:
*.. ....................................................................................... ............ *.. ....................................................................................... ............ *.. ....................... ............................................................................ *.. ....................... ............................................................................
Goals:
*.. ....................................................................................... ............ *.. ........... ........................................................................................
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*.. ........................................................................................... ........ *.. ................................................................................................... *.. ....................... ............................................................................

Actions I am committing to take:
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Personal Insights about Me

On this page, you have an opportunity to record personal insights as they arise. These may include insights about yourself, insights about ways you could change your thinking or behaviour, insights about lifestyle changes you want, and insights about how to be a Winner. The information you collect here becomes a resource for later exercises.
1.. ............... ........................................................................................................... ............ 2... ....................... ........................................................................................................... ........ 3.. ........... ........................................................................................................... ................ 4.. ........... ........................................................................................................... ................ 5.. ........... ........................................................................................................... ................ 6.. ............... ........................................................................................................... ............ 7.. ....... ........................................................................................................... ....................
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8.. .. ....................................................................................................... ................................. 9.. ....... ........................................................................................................... .................... 10... .. ........................................... ................................................................................................. 11.... .... ....................................................................................................... ...............................12 ...... ............................................... ............................................................................................. 13................................................................................................... ........................................................................................................... ......................................................................................................... 14....................................................................................................... ........................................................................................................... ......................................................................................................... 15.... .. ............................................... ............................................................................................. 16................................................................................................... ........................................................................................................... ......................................................................................................... 17....................................................................................................... ........................................................................................................... .........................................................................................................
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18.... .. ............................... ........................................................................................................... 19................................................................................................... ........................................................................................................... ......................................................................................................... 20....................................................................................................... ........................................................................................................... . ........................................................................................................
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Must-Do Activities
These are activities I commit to doing so that I force myself into adopting practices that work better for me than some of my current choices. Here is what I will do and when.
1.. ............... ........................................................................................................... ............ 2... ....................... ........................................................................................................... ........ 3.. ........... ........................................................................................................... ................ 4.. ........... ........................................................................................................... ................ 5.. ........... ........................................................................................................... ............... 6.. ............... ........................................................................................................... ............ 7.. ....... ........................................................................................................... ....................
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8.. .. ....................................................................................................... ................................. 9.. ....... ........................................................................................................... ....................10 .................................................................................. .................... ...........................................................................................................
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My Core and Limiting Beliefs

During the reading of this book, you will from time to time become aware of beliefs you have. Record these as they arise, as you have insights into what they are. Even the process of recording and noticing these beliefs will undermine the hold that any unhelpful ones have on you. Limiting, unhelpful beliefs Ive detected Expansive, helpful beliefs Ive detected
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Citations and Quotations Introduction

1. Goldstein, 1939, Maslow, 1968. 2. Maslow, 1968, 21-43. 3. Gardner, 1993b, 239 4. Ibid, 242. 5. Ibid, 243. 6. Maslow in Hoffman, 1996, 47-51.
Chapter 1 Where are you on the journey of your life?

1. Brian Weiss, 1988, 177. 2. Maslow, 1968, 204. 3. Ibid, 1968, 1996. 4. Ibid, 1968, 1996. 5. Ibid, 1986, 1996, 211-233. 6. Ibid, 1968, 210. 7. Ibid, 1968, 212. 8. Ibid, 1968, 204. 9. Castaneda, 2000, 77-87.
Chapter 2 Living life as a Winner

1. Csikszentmihalyi, 1993, 86-114.
2. Tolle, 2001, 29.
3. Stone, 1998, 2. 4. Castaneda, 1974, 113, 138, 173, 172, 179. 5. Ibid, 56. 6. Ibid, 140. 7. Ibid, 92.
Chapter 3 Losers cultivate poor relationships and excuses

1. Karpman, 1967; Summerton, 1986, 6-10; Stewart & Joines, 1987, 236-240; James & Jongeward, 1971, 92-97. 2. Castaneda, 1987, 8. 3. Young, Klosko, 1994.
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4. Castaneda, 1974, 172-3. 5. Ibid, 135. 6. Ibid, 135. 7. Ibid, 179. 8. Seligman, 1990, 15-30; Maslow, 1968, 200-201.
Chapter 4 The art of becoming a Warrior

1. Castaneda, 1974, 1976, 1987, Millman, 1980, Trungpa, 1984. 2. Trungpa, 1984, 28. 3. Castaneda, 1987, 158. 4. Trungpa, 1984, p 47. 5. Castaneda, 1974, 126-135. 6. Ibid, 1974, 135. 7. Ibid, 1974, 198.
Chapter 5 The twelve choices of Winners

1. Clifton, Jane (August, 2009) The paths best taken. New Zealand Listener, Auckland: NZ Magazines, pp 16-21. 2. Ramacharaka, 1903. 3. OConnor et al 1990; McDermott et al, 1996.
Chapter 6 Choice One: Develop conscious intention based on wise choices

1. Myss, 1996 173. 2. Maslow, 1968. 3. Ibid, 1968, 1996, 211-233.
Chapter 7 Choice Two: Take full personal responsibility for your life
1. Peck, 1978, 32-34; Covey, 1989, 70-80; Hay, 1982, 35, 47-52. 2. Castaneda, 1974, 56. 3. Gardner, 1993, 337. 4. Maslow, 1968.
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5. Glasser, 1990, 13-120. 6. Ibid, 16-20. 7. Gordon, 1974, 131. 8. Ibid, 135-136. 9. Perls, Hefferline, Goodman, 1951, Glasser, 1990, Kurtz, 1990. 10. Seligman, 1990.
Chapter 8 Choice Three: Support yourself with self-discipline

1. Peck, 1978, 18. 2. Ibid, 15-16. 3. Ibid, 21. 4. Ibid, 24. 5. Ibid, 17.
6. Ibid, 15-20.
7. Goleman, 1995, 81-82. 8. Chopra, 1998, 124. 9. Peck, 1978, 15-77.
Chapter 9 Choice Four: Stop reacting to life & become proactive

1. Covey, 1989, 72. 2. Copra, 1998, 258. 3. Saunders, 1992. 4. Gardner, 1983; De Bono, 1992. 5. Covey, 1989, 69.
Chapter 10 Choice Five: Develop mental balance and intelligence

1. De Bono, 1992, 18. 2. Seligman, 2002, 62-82. 3. Glasser, 1998, 53. 4. Adler, 1958, 14. 5. Seligman, 1990, 71- 91. 6. Lambrou & Pratt, 2000, 66. 7. Chopra, 1998, 147. 8. Pert, 2005. 9. Goleman, 2003, 72-115. 10. De Bono, 1992, 18. 11. Goleman, 2003, 87-115; Gendlin, 1978. 12. Tolle, 2001, 19. 13. Goleman, 2003.
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14. Stewart & Joines, 1987, 89-90. 15. Seligman, 1990, 83-84. 16. Ibid, 83. 17. Stewart & Joines, 1987, 89, 90. 18. Seligman, 1990, 44-53. 19. Ibid, 45. 20. Beck, 1979, 8. 21. Seligman, 1990, 95-115. 22. Shainberg, 1987, 405. 23. Keyes, 1975, 19-31. 24. Goleman, 2003, 90. 25. Goleman, 2003. 26. Ibid, 87-115. 27. Ibid, 72-115.
Chapter 11 Choice Six: Become emotionally intelligent

1. Damasio, 1994, 205-223. 2. Bailes, 1942; Laing, 1965, 65-105; Rogers, 1994; Seligman, 1990, 169-184; Dean, Feldman, Null, Rasio, 2004. 3. McBride, 2002, 19. 4. Goleman, 1995, 40-45. 5. Damasio, 1994, 205-223. 6. Goleman, 1995, 40-45, 70-95, 305-309; Cherniss, 2000. 7. Maslow, 1968, 208; Perls, 1969, 157; Seligman, 1990, 172-179) 8. Gardner, 1983. 9. Hannaford, 1994, 53. 10. Saunders, 1992, 7-26. 11. Kohlberg, 1981. 12. Perls, 1969, 228-236. 13. Goleman et al, 2001, 27-44. 14. Gardner, 1983, 239-240. 15. Goleman, 1995. 16. Goleman et al, 2001, 27-44. 17. Peck, 1978, 20. 18. Jones, 2003. 19. Goleman, 1995, 169. 20. Cornell, 1996, 16-17; Trungpa, 1976, 63-68; Gendlin, 1978.
Chapter 12 Choice Seven: Know and honour yourself first.

1. De Bono, 1996, 186.
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2. Gardner, 1993, 253. 3. Hicks, 2004, 104-106. 4. Maslow, 1968, 159. 5. Ibid, 1968, 1996, 211-233. 6. Ibid, 1968, 191,192. 7. Peck, 1978, 16-18. 8. Maslow, 1968, 193. 9. Ibid, 11-12. 10. Bach, 2004. 11. Gardner, 1993, 252. 12. Wilber, 1979. 13. Hadfield, 1962; Stewart & Joines, 1987, 125-133; Steiner, 1974, 65-81; Bandler & Grinder, 1979, 109. 14. Hendrix, 1988, 13-28. 15. Maslow, 1968, 197. 16. De Bono, 1996, 156. 17. Bach, 2004. 18. Maslow, 1968, 21-43.
Chapter 13 Choice Eight: Meet your own needs and desires

1. Maslow, 1968, 163. 2. Ibid, 164. 3. Schmidt, 2004. 4. Chopra, 1998, 124-172; Glasser, 1998, 28; Brennan, 1993, 92-97. 5. Schmidt, 2004. 6. Chopra, 1998, 135-172; Goleman, 1998. 7. Wilber, 1979, 4. 8. Wilber, 1979.
Chapter 14 Choice Nine: Develop your own personal values and moral code
1. Maslow, 1968, 194-5. 2. Maslow, 1968, 164; Trungpa, 1976, 74; Boulton, 2004, 14-16; Baird, 2004, 9. 3. Maslow, 1968, 196. 4. Maslow, 1968, 207. 5. Trungpa, 1976, 69-80, Castaneda, 1974, 98. 6. Baird, 2004, 9. 7. Covey, 1989, 72. 8. De Bono, 1992, 18. 9. Boulton, 2004, 14-16; Baird, 2004, 9. 10. Manson, 2004, 24-25.
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11. Maslow, 1968, 1996, 211-233. 12. Covey, 1989, 74.
Chapter 15 Choice Ten: Heal all old negative emotions and mindsets
1. Chopra, 1998, 173. 2. Stewart & Joines, 1987, 107-116; Steiner, 1974, 87. 3. Chopra, 1998, 52; Harris, 1973, 36-51. 4. Weiss, 1988, 75. 5. Tolle, 2001, 83. 6. Chopra, 1998, 258-259. 7. Maslow, 1968, 13. 8. Brennan, 1993; Myss, 1996; Tolle, 2001, 73-85. 9. Chopra, 1998, 174. 10. Kabat-Zinn, 1990. 11. Goleman, 1998, 57-90.
Chapter 16 Choice Eleven: Love your self

1. Maslow, 1968. 2. Burney, 25/08/06. 3. OMalley, 2004, 119, 120. 4. Burney, 25/08/06. 5. OMalley, 2004 6. Schmidt, 2004. 7 Tart, 1989, 121-128.
Chapter 17 Choice Twelve: Manifest your dreams, create your reality

1. De Bono 1996, 192. 2. Hicks, 2004. 3. Stone, 1998, 1. 4. Maslow, 1968, 214. 5. Covey, 1990, 99. 6. Wattles, 2002, 11. 7. Hendrix, 1988, 31. 8. Hicks & Hicks, 2004, 51. 9. Trungpa, 1984. 10. Hicks & Hicks, 2004, 55.
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Stewart, Ian and Joines, Vann (1987) TA Today Nottingham, England: Lifespace Publishing. Stone, Joshua David (1998) Manual for Planetary Leadership Sedona, AZ, USA: Light Technology Publishing. Summerton, Oswald (circa 1986) TA Winners New Delhi, India: The Word. Tart, Charles, T. (1989) Open Mind, Discriminating Mind San Francisco, CA: Harper Row. Tolle, Eckhart (2001) Practicing the Power of Now Sydney, Aust.: Hodder. Trungpa, Chogyam (1984) Shambhala. The Sacred Path of the Warrior New York, NY: Bantam. Trungpa, Chogyam (1976) The Myth of Freedom Berkeley & London; Shambhala. Wattles, Wallace D. (2002) The Science of Getting Rich Seattle, WA, USA: Certain Way Publications, www.scienceofgettingrich.net Weiss, Brian (1988) Many Lives, Many Masters London, UK: Piatkus Weiss, Brian (2000) Messages form the Masters London: Piatkus. Wilber, Ken (1979) No Boundary Boston: Shambhala. Young, Jeffrey and Klosko, Janet (1994) Reinventing Your Life New York, NY:Plume.
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Alphabetical Index
abundance.......................................... creating.............................................298 accept.................................................. self and others.....................................39 who you are......................................266 yourself totally....................................36 accept yourself................................... as you are..........................................260 accepted.............................................. by others and self..............................258 accepting............................................. your self............................................273 accepting, stay..............................250 acknowledge....................................... your self............................................273 acknowledging................................... all aspects of self..............................193 action steps......................................... to success..........................................122 Actions............................................24 Adler, Alfred................145, 316, 320 aging..............................................117 anxiety....................59, 190, 227, 237 appreciate........................................... everything you have.........................295 the goodness.....................................293 your self............................................273 appreciating....................................... your life............................................299 architect.............................................. of moods, thoughts...........................133 attitude, positive..........................287 attract................................................. a life you love...................................293 positive reality..................................287 attracted, we are................................ to similarity......................................285 attraction reaction.......................296 attraction, the law of...................281 authentic............................................. becoming..........................................203 authentic, being.................................. as a natural path................................205 aware, be............................................ of how you feel.................................220 awareness.......................................78 Bach, Richard......................197, 204 bad................................................207 form of control.................................225 parts..................................................201 Bailes, Frederick..........................132 balance, maintain........................126 beating yourself up........................71 being..............................................297 belief systems..................................... acquired in childhood.......................143 belief, subconscious.....................252 beliefs.................................................. aligned with .....................................233 deluded by........................................165 not related to truth............................227 prompted by authority......................229 question all.......................................236 religious or political.........................144 you repeat to yourself.......................270 beliefs, unacceptable.......................... healing..............................................267 beliefs, unhelpful................................ detecting...........................................252 beliefs, your........................................ question the logic.............................227 blame.................................................. giving up...........................................101 blame game............................74, 103 blame game........................................ ensures powerlessness........................54 blaming.........................................216 blaming............................................... yourself.............................................168 blind spots.......................................... how we perceive ..............................133 blood pressure.................................... high...................................................148 boiled frog......................................31 boundaries.......................................... appreciation......................................104
The 12 Choices of Winners empowering........................................90 erect appropriate...............................104 expand your......................................218 imbalanced.......................................219 no longer serving you.......................217 reflect needs......................................216 Buddha.........................108, 146, 163 Buddhist tradition.......................293 Buddhist tradition............................. faulty thinking..................................165 mind is not predisposed....................148 Burney, Robert............................261 burnout.........................................190 button-pushing................................... a need to address..............................243 buttons................................................ get pushed.........................................139 pushed...............................................244 pushed by another...............................96 care...................................................... for yourself.......................................221 caring.................................................. towards self......................................222 Casals, Pablo................................201 Castaneda, Carlos43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 51, 54, 59, 63, 65, 66, 70, 72, 86, 153, 314, 315, 318, 320 catastrophizing.................................. requires two attributes .....................155 the future..........................................156 the past..............................................154 cellular memory...........................215 challenge............................................. is to create ........................................108 yourself.............................................136 challenges........................................... opening to new...................................35 change................................................. deeply embedded................................72 intend................................................248 people you're with............................139 priorities.............................................76 resistant to..........................................33 when parents.......................................81 yourself from within.........................103 change, to make................................. seek the cause...................................277 changes............................................... implement.........................................127
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charge................................................. take full.............................................185 child, as to the.................................... is done..............................................110 child, inner......................................... tells the adult....................................262 childhood............................................ problem has its roots........................165 childhood training............................. meeting expectations .......................211 childhood trauma.............................. still has impact..................................240 childhood, abusive.......................173 children............................................... don't do their chores...........................94 choose.................................................. perspective........................................143 to become functional........................186 to get sorted......................................186 Chopra, Deepak117, 132, 241, 316, 318, 319, 320 coercion.............................................. encourages many to............................94 comfort zone....................................... step out of your.................................136 commit................................................ to goals, intentions............................140 to yourself.........................................254 commitment...................................23 communication skills......................... pre-requisite for ...............................120 communications.............................89 comparison......................................... give up..............................................271 compassion......................................... for yourself.......................................208 compassionate.................................... towards self......................................222 compulsions..........................126, 164 conditioning..................................264 conditioning........................................ breaking old......................................227 conditioning, childhood...............271 conflicts, national............................... occur in most heads..........................145 conscious creation..........................38 conscious reprogramming................ of the mind.........................................72 contract, coaching..........................27
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The 12 Choices of Winners desires................................................. downgrade intensity.........................163 reflect creativity................................219 dis-ease................................................ causing..............................................100 discipline............................................. begets order......................................111 punishment.......................................109 to confront feelings...........................113 to create feelings...............................113 with personality traits.........................76 your communication.........................120 your eating........................................115 your emotions...................................119 your finances....................................120 your leisure.......................................117 your thoughts....................................118 your time..........................................114 your work.........................................116 discipline, mental............................... scarce................................................118 disciplined.......................................... emotions...........................................112 disciplined life.................................... is not a perfectionist one...................125 discrimination.................................... to push ahead......................................35 dislike.................................................. cause by difference...........................286 Don Juan......................59, 65, 66, 67 duality................................................. don't be seduced by..........................279 e-motion.............................................. energy in motion...............................148 ego's.................................................... survival.............................................161 Einstein............................................... available knowledge...........................15 embrace.............................................. will erase..................................205, 253 emotion............................................... ways to diminish...............................111 emotion, dominant............................. habit will generate............................288 emotion, toxic...............................177 emotional brain.................................. cement into.........................................72 emotional brain..............................72 emotional choices...............................
Control Drama Triangle161, 215, 282 Control Drama Triangle................... is energy-sapping................................63 serious personal work.........................68 controlling.......................................... behaviour..........................................161 Coolidge, Calvin................................ persistence..........................................24 couples................................................ best chance of success......................286 Covey, Stephen116, 130, 131, 142, 227, 280, 315, 316, 318, 319, 320 create.................................................. outer and inner reality......................135 create, we............................................ our reality.........................................135 create, you.......................................... your reality.......................................283 created twice...................................... all things are.....................................280 creation............................................... begins within....................................282 creation, sequence of...................297 creation, the law of......................281 creativity.......................................219 criticism.............................................. reflection on the critic......................187 criticize yourself................................. reinforcing old damage.....................271 cultural groups................................... poor health........................................102 Dalai Lama...........153, 161, 162, 235 de Beauport, Elaine.......................18 de Bono............................................... Edward.............................................135 de Bono, Edward.........142, 185, 228 death................................................... is an adviser......................................115 debt..................................................... do .....................................................121 delusion............................................... is indeed crippling............................166 masters of...........................................90 Deming, Edwards W......................... Japanese miracle.................................21 depression.....................................190 Descartes......................................170 desire...............................................20 to want or not want...........................162
The 12 Choices of Winners choose uplifting................................294 emotional discomfort......................... allow.................................................250 emotional freedom............................. passport to........................................188 emotional healing............................... use the process..................................255 emotional intelligence........................ deficits..............................................175 educators to ensure...........................174 is learnable........................................180 leads to better relating......................174 moral decisions.................................173 predictor of success..........................171 emotional management...............175 emotional management..................... leads to success.................................173 emotional reactions........................... by owning them................................245 emotional stability............................. sure sign that ....................................242 emotional state, bland.................291 emotional state, negative.............291 emotional state, positive..............291 emotional, reactive............................ alerting you to...................................199 emotionally......................................... in tune...............................................266 to heal...............................................245 emotionally intelligent....................... lead more successful ........................119 emotions........................................259 birth..................................................176 conscious..........................................172 create your energy............................283 guidance system...............................241 if generating inconsistent.................290 manage around food.........................115 managing unwanted..........................178 notice................................................180 observed non-judgmentally..............150 unwanted..........................................176 use to detect beliefs..........................221 you embrace.............................120, 178 emotions, manage.............................. observe how you...............................181 relationships suffer...........................181 emotions, negative............................. a link to your past.............................270
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healing past.......................................239 emotions, unpleasant......................... push through.....................................191 empowering........................................ those in your past..............................167 empowerment.................................... equals ...............................................114 passport to........................................188 energetic beings................................. in action..............................................21 energies, inner.................................... are telling you ..................................220 energy...........................................127 learn to save........................................47 of wanting.........................................296 projecting the....................................280 you vibrate........................................287 you want to lose................................142 energy, univeral system...............279 equanimity.......................................... sure sign that ....................................242 evidence.............................................. seek the.............................................167 expectation......................................... habits of............................................161 external approval............................... relinquish your need.........................132 fears.................................................... keep people stuck.............................232 feelings................................................ telling you about you........................220 feelings, create.................................... that will attract..................................291 financially intelligent......................... small minority of .............................121 fishing line.......................................... giving someone................................102 focus.................................................... determines .......................................143 Frankl, Victor......137, 138, 233, 234 free, set you..................................240 freedom............................................... begins from within...........................138 requires focused intent.....................242 Freud, Sigmund.......................17, 97 future.................................................. view the............................................156 future, our.......................................... lies within.........................................278
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The 12 Choices of Winners Hendrix, Harville.284, 318, 319, 321 Hicks, Esther290, 294, 318, 319, 321 higher self........................................... authentic...........................................188 honour................................................ self....................................................200 who you really are............................207 yourself first.....................................187 honour yourself.................................. before all others................................190 first...................................................184 honouring........................................... your uniqueness................................201 yourself.............................................201 Hughes, Howard..........................164 Hussein, Saddam.................144, 174 hypertension.................................148 identity..........................................190 illness............................................190 impulse control.................................. lack of...............................................175 impulsively...................................123 impulsivity....................................104 delay.................................................116 inner reality........................................ reflected by outer reality..................133 take charge........................................133 the world mirrors..............................137 inner transformation......................... be the pig............................................24 integrity.............................................. live by rules......................................231 intelligence.......................................... emotional health.................................19 financial..............................................18 mental health......................................19 self-esteem..........................................18 intend.................................................. fully....................................................79 intended.............................................. life is what you.................................278 intending............................................. always moves energy ......................281 intention.............................................. art of creating an...............................280 develop the.................................78, 255 focused...............................................76 loving self.........................................263 strong..................................................79
gains.................................................... at the expense of...............................104 Gandhi, Mahatma.......................235 Gandhi, Mahatma............................. power..................................................44 take responsibility..............................87 Gardner, Howard17, 18, 19, 135, 174, 186, 198, 314, 315, 316, 317, 318, 321 Gardner, Howard.............................. improve intelligences.........................19 mutliple intelligences.........................17 genuine................................................ not false self.....................................208 glass..................................................... half full...............................................78 Glasser, William88, 144, 316, 318, 321 goals................................................23 God...................................................... pleasing.............................................185 will reward us...................................165 Goleman, Daniel..........................116 Goleman, Daniel................................ emotional intelligence........................18 good, being......................................... won't work........................................195 Gordon, Thomas............................89 gratification........................................ delaying of........................................123 gratification, delay.......................116 gratitude............................................. attracts .............................................282 gratitude attitude.........................294 gratitude, attitude........................292 guidance, inner.................................. you can really trust...........................266 guilt.........59, 168, 177, 190, 227, 237 guilt..................................................... must go.............................................187 guilt trips............................................ a control device................................189 Haanel, Charles F........................277 habit.................................................... using the four As..............................273 heal...................................................... by non-judgmentally........................249 healing..........................................245 is easy...............................................246 never stops........................................248 healthy diet...................................115
The 12 Choices of Winners intentions............................................ are like guided missiles......................82 at relating..........................................120 hold on lightly..................................163 review.................................................84 that are clear.....................................108 wise and strong...................................82 intentions, positive............................. take more notice of...........................267 internal critic..................................... subsides..............................................78 intimate............................................... relationships.......................................80 intrapersonal intelligence18, 135, 174 intuitive knowing.........................226 intuitively............................................ in tune...............................................266 irresponsibility................................... modelled by parents...........................88 James, William..............................17 journey................................................ is known within..................................31 life is a................................................30 unconscious........................................32 understand your..................................36 Juan Matus.....................................48 judge yourself..................................... reinforcing old damage.....................271 judgment............................................ no room for.........................................39 judgment, without............................. being with self..................................259 judgmental......................................... not being...........................................203 Jung, Carl.....................................194 Jung, Carl........................................... the shadow..........................................36 Kabat-Zinn, Jon..........249, 319, 321 kaizen....................................124, 127 kaizen.................................................. constant improvement........................22 Kent..............................................170 know.................................................... who you are..............................266, 289 knowing.............................................. your inner...........................................38 knowledge........................................... not the same as action.........................20 Knowledge..........................................
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empowering........................................17 language.............................................. change your......................................136 will alert you.....................................136 learned helplessness.....................58 leisure activities................................. bring ................................................118 lesson................................................... notice your..........................................38 letting go............................................. a conscious choice............................137 life........................................................ architects of our..................................75 balanced............................................123 life direction...................................76 life path............................................... in six chapters.....................................40 life stage.............................................. review your.........................................40 life, your.............................................. when not aligned..............................289 like attracting like........................286 limbic system..................................72 listen.................................................... to yourself.........................................198 to yourself first.................................265 listening.............................................. to their inner self..............................278 losers................................................... bullies, control freaks.........................56 Losers.................................................. let it happen........................................48 trained to be........................................50 love...................................................... attracts love......................................281 love for life.......................................... cultivate............................................299 love for yourself................................. cultivate............................................299 love of others................................264 love yourself....................................... learn to..............................................297 love-of-self....................................294 love, generating.................................. will bring more of it.........................293 love, your life................................293 love, yourself...................................... unconditionally.................................263 loved....................................................
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The 12 Choices of Winners Mood Intelligence..........................18 moods.................................................. determined by choices......................139 moral choices...............................173 moral code.......................................... reflects you.......................................227 moral codes........................................ from your inner world......................233 moral fibre......................................... develop.............................................113 morals................................................. aligned with .....................................233 of others............................................232 motivates............................................ to make choices..................................75 multiple intelligences.............17, 198 must have.....................................162 musturbators................................271 Myss.................................................... Caroline......................74, 315, 319, 322 narcissism.....................................199 narcissistic....................................262 Nazis..............................................137 needs................................................... acknowledge your............................184 aligned with......................................233 behind your emotions.......................213 caused by childhood damage............215 consequences of not meeting............222 discover by noticing.........................215 for balance and health......................214 meeting own.....................................211 putting yours first.............................201 tendency to surrender.......................221 to be fully ourselves.........................214 unlikley to know all..........................212 use boundaries..................................216 needs, meet......................................... change lifestyle.................................212 needs, unmet...................................... in disguise.........................................201 needy................................................... underlying damage...........................215 negative emotions.............................. keep you in line................................189 prune by ...........................................119 negative thinking.........................127 negative thoughts............................... weed out...........................................119
by others and self..............................258 loving yourself.................................... is the fastest way..............................295 man..................................................... know thyself.....................................188 Mandela, Nelson..........................235 Maslow, Abraham16, 17, 39, 79, 180, 194, 202, 211, 225, 226, 258, 278, 314, 315, 317, 318, 319, 322 Maslow, Abraham............................. Jonah complex....................................19 self-actualization................................39 successful needs meeting...................16 taking responsibility...........................88 Matus, Juan......46, 47, 48, 51, 53, 54 McArthur, General.......................21 meanings............................................. are not determined by ......................145 mediocrity.......................................... don't tolerate.....................................140 meditation............................199, 274 mental................................................. analysis.............................................156 paralysis............................................156 mental anguish................................... is unnecesary....................................148 transform..........................................153 mental state........................................ reflection of your life........................140 messages, injurious............................ in our heads......................................270 metabolism......................................... slows down.......................................125 mind.................................................... creates our life .................................280 distract your......................................168 focuses on.........................................146 mastery of.........................................151 mind, calm.......................................... balanced, creative ............................119 mind, your.......................................... creates your energy...........................283 minds.................................................. copy of someone else's.....................226 power over........................................146 mindsets.............................................. cultivating positive...........................168 minimizing the self............................ early training....................................151
The 12 Choices of Winners neo-cortex.......................................18 Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP)72 Nightingale, Florence..................235 No, say............................94, 216, 234 No, say................................................ to ................................................99, 121 Noble Eightfold Path...................147 non-judgmental.................................. yourself and your mind....................167 O Rongomai, Te Whiti................235 OMalley, Mary...260, 263, 319, 322 observe................................................ how you ...........................................249 the mind............................................152 ways in which...................................127 observer.............................................. become a detached...........................165 of unhelpful thoughts.......................167 observing............................................ never stop.........................................152 obsessing............................................. notice the absurdity..........................163 through self-talk...............................166 obsessions.....................................164 opposites............................................. don't attract.......................................284 optimism............................................. about perspective................................78 optimist............................................... will back herself...............................158 optimists.......................................155 optimists............................................. make good things happen...................98 take responsibility..............................98 painful memories............................... healing..............................................246 paranoia........................................160 paranoid.......................................165 past...................................................... only a problem when .......................155 past, the.............................................. letting go of......................................246 path of the warrior........................46 Peck, Scott108, 109, 112, 123, 170, 315, 316, 317, 318, 322 people-pleaser..............................190 perceive reality................................... the problem.......................................143 perception...........................................
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correct...............................................166 determines .......................................143 faults of.............................................142 faulty.................................................166 of yourself........................................266 perceptions, distorted........................ lead to...............................................146 perfect, being...................................... give up..............................................208 permanent.......................................... your problem is ................................157 Persecutor......................................51 Persecutors......................................... alone in life.........................................56 fear of being controlled......................56 persistence......................................23 Personal Intelligences....................17 personal power.............................213 attracts opportunities..........................48 automatically arises............................47 by developing oneself.........................46 comes from ........................................64 is a feeling..........................................46 is your will........................................278 lifelong process..................................67 requires strong intent..........................46 strong and disciplined mind...............66 what is?...............................................44 will provide insight.............................82 work and relationships.......................79 Personal power.................................. by relating to self................................45 personal responsibility..................47 acceptance of....................................123 become proactive..............................130 personal transformation...............72 personalize.......................................... the situation......................................157 perspective.......................................... change our........................................143 my thinking is right..........................144 powerless..........................................157 perspectives........................................ choose uplifting................................294 perspectives, distorted....................... commonplace...................................144 Pert, Candice................148, 316, 322 pessimism........................................... about perspective................................78
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The 12 Choices of Winners reflected inner reality.........................97 that are not theirs..............................104 totally own your.................................92 properties, my..............................125 Ramacharaka, Yogi.......................72 Rational Emotive Therapy.........271 re-act................................................... inside ... always the cause................132 react.................................................... because of inner process...................247 react, comments you....................271 reacting............................................... with anger.........................................241 reactive patterns................................ break out of.......................................133 reactive people................................... put up with .......................................138 reactivity............................................. others have the power.......................132 reactivity, patterns of........................ established in childhood...................130 reality.................................................. imagined...........................................158 is what we choose.............................145 you create.........................................283 reality, inner....................................... is always at cause...............................97 relationship........................................ bring your 50%...................................93 functions successfully........................81 problems.............................................81 two way business................................93 relationships....................................... intimate...............................................80 release................................................. your past...........................................248 religious dogma.................................. bad, wrong, ......................................229 rescue.................................................. others..................................................91 Rescuer...................................51, 190 Rescuers.............................................. need to be needed...............................58 resist.................................................... will persist................................205, 253 resistance............................................ created by old hurts..........................241 respected............................................. by others and self..............................258
pessimists............................................ defeatest..............................................98 generalize negative events..................98 phobias..........................................164 Plato........................................83, 170 please others...................................91 polarities.......................................279 positive emotions............................... a positive life....................................119 positivity............................................. attracts positivity..............................281 power.................................................. cultivated............................................48 giving away......................................208 giving up our....................................241 intend developing it............................66 over others..........................................44 something a warrior deals with..........46 take responsibility..............................98 to amplify, dismiss ..........................150 will return automatically..................245 Powerful people................................. have heaps of energy..........................45 powerless............................................ perspective........................................157 preferences......................................... reduce to...........................................162 priorities.........................................75 of others............................................185 pro-active............................................ in your friendships............................139 pro-activity......................................... power breeds....................................131 proactive............................................. diet of thoughts.................................140 proactive people................................. create their life..................................138 proactively.......................................... ensure relationships..........................139 proactively, live............................135 problem.............................................. who owns it?.......................................95 problems............................................. because of others................................93 minimize the number..........................91 never own others'................................92 opportunity to learn..........................113 parenting children...............................94 reduce the number of..........................94
The 12 Choices of Winners response-ability.................................. for affirming yourself.......................104 for own health...................................102 not blaming self..................................99 to create............................................135 ways to handle emotions..................181 response-able...................................... for our difficulties...............................91 response-able, not.............................. for the lives of others..........................97 responsibility...................................... for others............................................89 for reactions to children....................101 for your life.........................................55 full......................................................53 must be learned...................................88 take.....................................................86 to learn .............................................114 to meet own needs..............................89 responsibility, full.............................. removing old messages....................271 responsible.......................................... for everything...................................255 I am entirely.......................................75 right.................................................... view with skepticism........................145 right and wrong...........................226 rights & responsibilities.................... bill of................................................106 robot.................................................... a non-person.....................................190 robotic existence..........................131 robots.................................................. reacting like......................................112 ruminating.......................................... is internal self-talk............................154 rumination trap................................. get caught.........................................154 saving............................................121 seek...................................................... who you are......................................139 self....................................................... beating up.........................................166 love all aspects of.............................204 what we dislike in.............................261 self-acceptance.............................226 undermining your.............................260 self-actualization....................39, 202 self-beliefs, negative.....................264
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self-care........................................187 self-confidence.................................... undermining your.............................260 self-criticism....................................... probably your training......................261 self-discipline..................................26 a lack of............................................114 is the path ........................................113 management of emotions.................111 modelled to a child...........................110 support yourself with........................108 unhelathy..........................................111 Self-discipline..................................... values the self...................................110 self-discipline, mental........................ a balanced ........................................118 self-disciplined................................... being proactive.................................126 self-esteem.......................................... undermining your.............................260 self-fulfilment.................................39 self-identification............................... is put on us........................................269 self-identification, unacceptable.268 self-identification, unwanted............ remove..............................................270 self-love............................................... undermining your.............................260 self-perception, negative................... lethal form of ...................................145 self-talk, negative............................... notice................................................209 self, authentic..................................... be fully your.....................................200 self, disowned.......................195, 205 self, energy of..................................... create................................................151 self, false...............................195, 204 self, inner............................................ healthy..............................................202 hear your...........................................196 self, lost.........................................195 self, love of....................................258 self, loving........................................... unconditionally.................................259 self, master of your......................278 self, true................................195, 204 self, true.............................................. act your.............................................192
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The 12 Choices of Winners thinking.............................................. delusory............................................165 dualistic............................................237 manage your.....................................109 pessimistic........................................158 right/wrong.......................................237 which no longer fits reality...............269 thinking, faults in............................... faults in perception...........................228 thinking, negative.............................. grinds us into ...................................153 habitual pattern.................................149 is damaging to .................................152 notice all...........................................298 thinking, religious.............................. someone else in charge.....................229 thinking, your.................................... creates...............................................277 thought................................................ dispute your......................................167 vortex of...........................................161 thought, negative............................... replace any........................................168 thought, patterns............................... unhelpful...........................................178 thought, unhelpful............................. cut off any.........................................168 thoughts.............................................. create................................................126 have the power.................................142 negative or stressful..........................148 notice the..........................................157 observed non-judgmentally..............150 that uplift..........................................150 toxic..................................................148 we insert...........................................149 weeding out......................................167 will produce seeds of similar............298 thoughts, choose................................. that are uplifting...............................287 thoughts, negative.............................. are like weeds...................................149 attend to all.......................................297 memories are triggered.....................177 thoughts, positive............................... cultivate............................................149 thoughts, unhelpful............................ change your mind.............................147 Time....................................................
know your.........................................202 selfish.................................................. selfless..............................................185 Seligman, Martin59, 98, 315, 316, 317, 322 Sense of mission.............................23 shadow............................................36 Shainberg, David.........161, 317, 322 Shambhala tradition.....................64 shame....................................168, 177 should.................................................. think of others first...........................188 shoulds..................................126, 237 smart people....................................... eat smart...........................................115 social awareness...........................175 social competence........................175 Socrates................................187, 188 Sorcery............................................52 sow, as you....................................296 Spackman, Kerry..........................72 spending........................................121 split...................................................... ourselves...........................................193 split off................................................ parts of self.......................................217 split, psyche..................................272 stalk yourself..................................65 Stone, David...45, 278, 314, 319, 323 strategies............................................. short term..........................................104 strengths............................................. notice all your...................................208 subconscious...................................72 success................................................. to create..............................................84 success, in life..................................... requires strong intentions.................109 suffering........................................126 life is.................................................146 the reason life is................................108 supersensitive...............................160 support................................................ yourself.............................................273 tenants................................................ feel vaued.........................................125 Theresa, Mother..........................235 think.................................................... choose carefully................................283
The 12 Choices of Winners is energy...........................................114 is money...........................................114 is opportunity....................................114 Toltec tradition............52, 53, 59, 65 transform............................................ your life..............................................99 transformation.............................245 transformation................................... personal..............................................25 trauma, childhood.......................240 treat..................................................... yourself.............................................273 true self............................................... live from your...................................232 trust..................................................... you'll manage ...................................158 truth..............................................226 dedication to.....................................123 determine your own..........................227 related to conditioning......................227 view with skepticism........................145 unconscious........................................ choices................................................77 unconscious image............................. of the opposite sex............................284 understanding.................................... your self............................................273 unhappy.............................................. change something...............................84 with your life......................................75 universe.............................................. mirrors your growth...........................38 will mirror back to you ....................260 will reflect .......................................294 will support you..................................53 values.................................................. aligned..............................................233 aligned with your needs....................237 develop your own.............................226 from your inner world......................233 of others............................................232 own unique.......................................229 question all.......................................236 reflect you.........................................227 values, attitudinal........................234 values, creative.............................233 values, experiential......................233 Venkateshananda, Swami.............99 vibration.............................................
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our body puts out..............................280 vibration, higher..........................287 vibration, low..................................... habitually..........................................287 vibrational match........................290 Victim.............................51, 281, 291 Victim................................................. feeling like..........................................86 mentality.............................................45 reactive behaviour............................130 reacts to life........................................51 Victim game....................................... community pastime..........................102 Victims................................................ cultivate powerlessness......................52 dance to the tune of others..................55 victims, none...................................... in the cosmos......................................99 Viscott, David.......................239, 245 warrior............................................46 egolessness.........................................64 is a hunter.....................................55, 66 masters power.....................................65 mood...................................................54 path of the...........................................63 peaceful..............................................63 sharp, alert, ........................................64 slaying your ego.................................53 storing power......................................48 the mood of.........................................65 warrior archetype........................278 Wattles, Wallace. .268, 281, 319, 323 wealth.................................................. create................................................121 weed out.............................................. thoughts............................................140 weeding out........................................ negative thoughts..............................119 Weiss, Brian.................................241 Weiss, Brian....................................... life purpose.........................................30 what is................................................. see yourself as..................................207 Wilber, Ken..................217, 318, 323 will, free........................................237 Winner....................................45, 127 affirms own excellence.......................70 approach to life...................................15 can make a mistake............................87
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The 12 Choices of Winners your inner...........................................34 wise................................................108 work.................................................... smart.................................................116 worrying.......................................155 about the unknown...........................159 about what is wrong.........................159 an habitual indulgence......................159 indicates a belief...............................155 wounded............................................. we are all..........................................240 wounds, past....................................... letting go of......................................246 wrong.................................................. form of control.................................225 view with skepticism........................145 worrying about.................................159
conscious choice...............................148 creates their life..................................51 develop personal power......................70 formula for success.............................21 have personal power...........................44 increases personal power....................59 life of..................................................48 makes choices.....................................74 makes it happen..................................48 no ego trips.........................................60 no shoulds...........................................87 seeks personal power..........................65 takes responsibility.............................86 we are born a......................................50 will learn.............................................51 wisdom................................................ path of.................................................34
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Sketch of author Jeff Saunders by cartoon illustrator Paula Smulders
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Deliberately create the life you want!

You will get subtle, practical, workable tips from Book 2 in this Spiritual Life Mastery Series for deliberately creating the life you really, really want. Most people find it hard to believe that we create our reality simply by the way we think and feel. So Jeffery Saunders has researched the scientific evidence, as well as the wisdom from the masters and mystics on this topic, and brings the two together in Your Attraction Reaction Bible. At last, the role of mental and emotional energies in shaping our lives is explored and explained. Not only does Your Attraction Reaction Bible pull this topic out of the hocus pocus bin and place it on a firm scientific and spiritual footing, but criticisms of The Law of Attraction theory are also addressed. While The Secret may have fascinated many readers, Jeffery Saunders clearly describes the steps everyone must take to become deliberate architects of their lives. He provides numerous examples of how he and others have used these principles to good effect in their own lives, and how you can too. You will discover in Your Attraction Reaction Bible:
The scientific evidence to support how mental energies can manipulate the real world; What quantum physics has discovered about the law of attraction; Examples of how people use the laws of attraction and creation to improve their health, wealth, and relationships; The 6 simple and reliable steps to deliberately creating the life you want; The teachings from masters of several traditions on the law of attraction and the art of deliberate creation; The flaws behind criticisms of the laws of attraction or of how they are used; The consequences for people when they continue to indulge in negative emotional states for prolonged periods.
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THE 12 CHOICES OF WINNERS

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