THE SCHOOL PAPER

A Publication of the Hamilton College Post-StructuralistsClub

The world is everything that is the case
Wednesday, December 11th, 2013

This paper constitutes, under the traditional denition of the word, a work of ction. Any and all resemblance to persons or events of a genuine material nature is purely coincidental and anyone who tells you otherwise is a damn liar. Respectfully, Noah Levinson

Hamilton Reaches 50 Percent Compliance With Americans with Disabilities Act

Watershed Day Marks New Page in Schools Distinguished History of Eventual Activism
! A visibly emotional Joan Hinde Stewart addressed an appreciative crowd of students, faculty, and trustees on Sunday to announce that, per US News and World Report, approximately half of the buildings at Hamilton College are up to the standards of the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990. Speaking in the atrium of the Taylor Science Centeran edice ranking among the admirable half on campus accessible by wheelchairPresident Stewart smiled humbly amid the booming applause of students and faculty. Posing for photographs, she was accompanied by other campus luminaries such as the director of the Ofce of Disabilitiesor, would have been, had such an ofce existed. ! From 1919, when Hamilton rst began admitting black students, to 1978, when it rst opened its doors to women, this college has always gotten around to doing the right thing at some point, Stewart beamed. And now, to preside over a campus where half of the stipulations of the Americans with Disabilities Act are meta campus where total rst-oor accessibility is just within our reachits simply a dream come true. ! The campus, of which a landmark 50 percent is now considered to satisfy the 23-year-old piece of federal legislation, has been abuzz with pride and celebration over the good news. Ive often walked into the rst oor of Root Hall, and wondered what would happen if a physically disabled student wanted to major in English, said David Hlawaty, class of 2014. And then I walk into another buildingone with a ramp and elevatorand I remember that he could just major in something else.

Secret Fraternity Accidentally Blows Cover With T-Shirts, Fight Song

Dejected Activist Club Begs School to At Least Divest Itself from Massive Sweatshop Holdings, Human Trafficking Interests

! Failing its commitment to total anonymity for the rst time in its reputed history, secret fraternity Sigma Phi compromised its otherwise unblemished record of stealth this past Saturday by inadvertently printing and wearing t-shirts with the fraternitys name, as well as reciting the Sigma Phi ght song on the Dunham green. The members of Sigma Phi, now having been regrettably exposed as members of a fraternity, worry that they too may now be subject to the crippling stigma and social exclusion typically suffered by fraternity brothers at Hamilton and around the country. Indeed, this incident is reminiscent of an episode last semester when a group of female students all drinking out of mason jars were all revealed to be part of the same secret Wiccan cult.

Upon the conclusion of a two-monthlong investigation regarding the assets and investments that exist in the name of Hamilton Colleges $700 billion endowment, the Divestment Club has decided to scale back the effort to reduce the schools investments in fossil fuels, and start rst by taking money out of the sweatshops, weapons manufacturers, and tremendously protable human trafcking interests in The LexCorp Building, which looms which the school has invested so heavily. ominously over the city of Metropolis, is At rst, we just wanted the school to home to a company funded heavily by stop funneling money into coal and other Hamilton College. fossil fuel industries, club president Lydia Patterson said. Were disappointed to report that, in fact, the school has much more money in far more questionable markets. It turns out weve used most of our endowment to bankroll companies that prot off of human trafckingand we have a fairly large share in the East India Company, which I didnt even think still existed. Hamilton College sepoy Uttar Pradesh declined to comment on the schools imperial holdings. The investigation also reveals that Hamilton has made lucrative investments in ShamWhack, a company that manufactures harpoons made for the killing of baby orcas, and something called LexCorpthe ctional corporation of the DC Comics universe owned by Supermans arch-nemesis, Lex Luthor. With eleven abstaining from last weeks vote, the Student Assembly failed to pass a statement in support of language urging the Trustees to divest from the colleges massive chain of liberal arts sweatshops in Malaysia.

Heroic Newspaper Editor Flies in Face of Modest Authority

School Paper School Paper to Continue Publication Without Media Board Approval
! Emphasizing his commitment to bringing groundbreaking news to the Hamilton College community no matter how many toothless and impotent student regulatory committees stood in his way, editor Noah Levinson revealed in an interview this week that his school paper, The School Paper, would continue to bring the campus the edgy and hard-hitting journalism it has come to expecteven without approval from the Hamilton College Media Board. The Media Board Constitution dictates that mass production of Hamilton student media through college facilities outside of the Board is subject to removal and may be required to cease publication. I was pretty worried when I learned that, Levinson told reporters over the weekend. But the next line says that the rule does not apply to media under the umbrella of other student organizations. So, after reaching out to Hillel, Yodapez, Tropical Sol, the Black-Latino Student Union, the Investment Club, the Divestment Club, and Intervarsity Christian Fellowship, I contacted the Post-Structuralists Club, and they were all too happy to publish the paper. Levinson expressed relief that the school still had one herohimselfwilling to y in the face of meager authority, tear off the modest shackles of a student bureaucracy with limited power, and stand up for what hes pretty sure he believes in.

IM Basketball Ringer Clearly Dikembe Mutombo

Retired NBA Legend Not Fooling Anyone
According to reports, sophomore Anthony Schwarzman, a recent addition to the Hoop Cadets (4-2) of the intramural basketball league, faces expulsion Schwarzman was elected to amid accusations several all-NBA teams during his of being a former time with the Atlanta Hawks professional basketball player. It appears that Schwarzman, who earned NBA Defensive Player of the Year honors four times under the name Dikembe Mutombo, has attempted to pass himself off as a mild-mannered Comparative Literature major who likes to blow off steam by playing the occasional game of intramural basketball. Though teammates insist that Schwarzman has never played organized ball, opposing teams claim to recognize the 8time All-Star by his 72 stature and his iconic nger wag, a gesture he made famous during the 1990s.

President Stewart Opens Speaking Engagement with Solid 10 Minutes of Crowd Work
! Tasked with introducing Chairman A.G. Laey, President Joan Hinde Stewart opened last weekends Trustee Dinner in New York with an agonizing set of crowd work and one-sided banter with the audience. Where you from, sir? Stewart asked a man attempting to enter the dining hall quietly at the start of her speech. Jersey? Thats great. I once took a dump in Jersey that was so big, the janitor thought it was Kevin Smiths career. Chris Christie said it was the best smell to pass through the state in 25 years! The Yale graduate with a Ph.D in French proceeded to wipe her brow, take a drink of water, and return her attention to a couple seated in the front row. You two having a good time tonight? Stewart quipped. ! The painful banter lasted approximately nine full minutes, with President Stewart frequently referring to an overweight man seated alone as Butterworth, and checking to make sure her microphone was on. Around seven minutes in, Stewart appeared to be out of material, but quickly recovered when a waiter in the back of the room spilled a tray of drinks. How about the service, huh? Stewart chuckled, as onlookers rushed to the mans assistance. Didnt realize Michael J. Fox was working the tables tonight!

Campus Feminists Ask Society to End Barbaric Practice of Slut-Shaming

Women!s Advocates Seek to End Centuries-Old Ritual By Which Promiscuous Women are Publicly Shamed
! Stating unequivocally that in the 21st century, women in the developed world should not be subject to the archaic ritual of ignominy by which certain women are dragged around town and yelled at by onlookers, the Womyns Center has called for a meeting to discuss what can be done by Hamilton College to curb the savage exercise of formal slut-shaming.! ! We have the privilege of a modern education, said Womens Studies major Samantha Verdansky. We should no longer be gathering women who enjoy casual sexual encounters, grabbing them by the arms, and ringing a brass bell to call members of the campus to come outside and yell obscenities at them while throwing heaps of trash. Quite frankly, I think we should be a little embarrassed that this custom still exists around here at all. ! Some feminists on campus feel that the community approached a line when the school began requiring promiscuous women to wear a scarlet A on their garments at all times; when school practice began to dictate that sexually active women be taken for a public delousing once a week, many felt that line had been crossed. ! But some voices on the online confessional Hamilton Secrets have raised opposition to these concerns. Maybe Im old-fashioned, read one anonymous posting, but if a woman doest mind sleeping around with guys, why should she mind being heralded around the campus? If youre a woman, and youre going to be a slut, you shouldnt have a problem with wearing a sign around your neck to that effect. It seems like feminists are just looking for a way to play the victim on this one.

Freshman Government Major Vows to Negotiate First Successful Call of Duty Ceasefire
Wide-Eyed Activist Seeks to end Bloodshed in Nuketown by 2019
! For freshman Jeremy Wrathburn, a prospective government major, world peace isnt just some inconceivable ideal. I came to college to really do something, Wrathburn said. Having already spent two full summers with his parents and pet corgi George digging wells in South Africa and the neighboring Kingdom of Swaziland (just a mere 2,394 miles from the war-torn Central African Republic), Wrathburn has gone on record as feeling condent that his semester studying government is all the experience he needs to negotiate a full weapons ceasere by 2019 in the largely sectarian online conicts plaguing Nuketown and several other nearby areas (including Yemen, and Plaza) in the best-selling Cold War Era video game, Call of Duty: Black Ops. " " " "Emerging unshaven this morning from the basement of an undisclosed location not far from the Hancock Field air base in nearby Syracuse, Wrathburn was disappointed with his progress on the mission thus far. It would be too easy to give up now, the eighteen-year-old student proclaimed, citing numerous technical difculties with the microphone of his wireless Xbox Live headset. But I am convinced that at the heart of it all, those perpetrating the violence in Nuketown want nothing more than a peaceful armistice. Though always encouraging of their sons extracurricular activities, Mr. and Mrs. Wrathburn of South Orange, New Jersey are reportedly very concerned.