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September

The Pittiful News

The Weekly Satirical Newspaper of the
G-20 protestor invades Pitt campus
By: Julie Rozen
Staff Writer
The University of Pittsburgh
Police Department is searching
for an unidentified man who
interrupted a psychology class
in the Cathedral of Learning on
Friday. At 8:20 am, a strange
man entered the classroom,
screamed, “Sexy revolution
now!” and left. Witnesses be-
lieve that the man stumbled
into the classroom while looking
for the G-20 Summit.
“The only two events hap-
pening in the city of Pittsburgh
today are the G-20 summit and
Pitt‟s classes,” Pitt‟s Chief of
Police explained. “The man
must have been confused by
something else actually going
on.”
Upon leaving the classroom,
students began to psychoana-
lyze him and created various
theories about his statement.
Some believed his parents never
loved him. Others claim that he
never gets action of any kind
and is trying to create some.
However, most of the students
agreed that they were glad to be
rid of the mysterious man.
“He smells funny,” said Steve
Norton, sophomore.
“Maybe he just needs a hug,”
junior Ellen Auger suggested,
“but he was just so dirty. I
don‟t think he‟s bathed in the
past month.”
The professor disagreed. “He
was just confused and trying to
University of Pittsburgh • Vol. 2 • Issue 3
“We’re not pitiful, the news is.”
Ooh, look, Pajama & Lingerie!
make a statement. Kids these
days with all their wild protest-
ing! Thank God Pitt decided to
remain open so we can educate
students to not end up like
that!” he said.
This seemingly minor disrup-
tion has caught the attention of
various student groups around
campus.
Eileen Tong/Photographer
“These protestors need to be
caught and thrown into prison
for the rest of their lives,” the
president of People Engaging in
Action Create Enemies, or
PEACE, said. “We do not con-
done random psychos going
against the status quo.”
PEACE intends to put in an
allocations request for reward
24
2009
money if the suspect is captured
and brought to one of their
meetings. They will also be
selling “Clean Mind and Deed”
soap this week to supplement
their request.
Not all student groups oppose
the interruption, however.
“He was just exercising his
First Amendment rights in the
wrong place,” said the public
relations chair of Large Organi-
zation Venerating Equality, or
LOVE, “I just hope that he
eventually made his way to the
summit because his message
was way too important to let
die.”
LOVE is holding a symbolic
candlelight vigil on Monday.
Although no one died in the
class interruption, the group is
mourning the death of his mes-
sage in the event that the pro-
tester never found his way to
the G-20.
Nevertheless, the Pitt Police
are asking students to help
bring the suspect to justice.
The suspect is believed to be
male, but may be female, with
dirty brown hair that may be
any color when washed. Race,
height, and eye color are un-
known due to the large cloud of
dust that encompassed the sus-
pect. Anyone with any further
information is encouraged to
notify the Pitt Police immedi-
ately.

News A&E Sports

TA’s Go On Strike Twilight disgraces vampires Jeff Reed Wasn’t Jeff Reed
Teaching Assistants from all classes and The hit film/winner of 12 orgasms from An anonymous Steelers informant provides
majors band together against obnoxious Horny Middle-Schoolers Weekly does not the shocking details of the football team‟s
undergrads. please resident movie critic Dave Smeresky. loss on Sunday.
Page 2 Page 3 Page 4
2 The Pittiful News—PittifulNews@gmail.com—www.PittifulNews.com
INS struggles to close porous Oak- T.A.‟s strike: “We demand more
land-Bloomfield border
By: Lewis Lehe
Staff Writer
It's a humid summer night,
and Immigration and Naturali-
zation Officers Marshall O'Brien
and Terrance Cortez are dressed
in fatigues and utility vests. The
heat does not faze them.
"We've got a job to do," said
O'Brien. "We're the only thing
stopping Bloomfield from being
completely overrun by stu-
dents....puking, dancing, and
badgering people to register to
vote!"
The problem has been festering
for years. Citing lower rents,
quiet nights, and charming, eld-
erly Italian neighbors as reasons
for immigrating, more and more
college students are daring the
perilous trek across the Bloom-
field Bridge from their tradi-
tional homeland of Oakland. The
tide of students has Bloomfield
residents fuming.
"I don't blame them for want-
ing in. The food is incredible,"
said Linda Adamo, 73. "But my
father didn't smuggle our family
out of Mussolini's Italy without
a pot to piss in so that a bunch
Mysterious figure arrives to plan next great G-Summit
By: Jake Swanson
Editor-in-Chief
A mysterious man both en-
thralled and mystified onlook-
ers at the Cathedral of Learning
yesterday, by stating a bold
plan for the next world leader
meet-up.
The man, who merely stated
his name as “Xathos”, inter-
rupted Russian President
Dmitry Medvedev‟s speech in
the Cathedral yesterday, strid-
ing to the podium to calmly
take the microphone from him.
“Step aside Putin,” Xathos
said as he edged his way in,
intelligent students”
of dirty students could piss in
my flower pot."
The INS has stepped up its
efforts recently by going under-
cover. As part of "Operation
Fixer-Upper," plain-clothed offi-
cers wander the streets disguised
as young, just-married, profes-
sional couples at 11:30 AM,
when students are returning
from nights out in Oakland, and
repeat loudly, "It's just the type
of place to build our dreams! We
could have tapas parties!" INS
interpreter Carla Driscoll, a re-
cent Pitt graduate, explains,
"The kids are scared of yuppies.
Scared as hell. What's the point
of living in a place that even up-
and-coming systems analysts
know about?"
Pro-student groups, on the
other hand, paint students as a
blessing-in-disguise for the com-
munity.
"These students are willing to
take the crappy housing no one
else wants," said Mary Botticelli.
"Tolerance is crucial."
She then added: "If it weren't
for the students, those houses
would probably be jammed with
a bunch of freaking Mexicans!"
“there are real issues to be
sorted out here.”
Though initially shocked, the
world-leaders were actually
drawn in by his charismatic
way of speaking and intriguing,
albeit slightly absurd form of
dress (what appeared to be a
white tunic with flowing
sleeves, and a scarlet cloak and
feathers attached).
“I was initially shocked, but
then I was actually drawn in by
his charismatic way of speaking
and intriguing, albeit slightly
absurd form of dress,” said
President Obama, who met
By: Rachel Harris
Staff Writer/Editor
Teaching Assistants at the
University of Pittsburgh, from
all disciplines, have banded
together in a rare show of soli-
darity to go on strike, in pro-
test of poor intellectual behav-
ior among undergraduate stu-
dents.
Although this unexpected
show of dissent was thought to
be another creative protest of
the G-20 Summit, further in-
vestigation revealed that
teaching assistants are just
plain sick of teaching.
“I am SO revolted by fresh-
men emailing me questions
about what‟s on the test!” said
second-year graduate student
Shelly Rubin. “It‟s appalling.”
“Seriously, you‟re big kids
now. Grow up,” added labora-
tory T.A. Brian Miller.
“There‟s no longer an excuse
for being whiny little retards.”
No one knows how these
graduate students managed to
spread any word of their ar-
rangements outside the
with Xathos later that evening
at Lulu‟s.
Xathos‟s heist of the mike led
to a powerful speech about how
the world had fallen into disar-
ray.
“Look at you,” he said,
“Cowering in fear in this monu-
ment while citizens throw rocks
through the windows of your
favorite restaurants. And mean-
while, your so-called „police-
force‟ can‟t make a move to
stop them. Rights are merely
something that we grant the
people. Give them those rights,
and they‟ll run amok. What do
bounds of their respective de-
partments, but one thing is
certain: the origin of the pro-
test is centered firmly in the
Graduate Program of Political
Science.
“Yeah, they‟re a bunch of
f*cking hippies,” said Patrick
Rhodes, a doctoral candidate
in the Department of Econom-
ics. “But at least they get the
job done occasionally, like
when there needs to be a
„demonstration of civil disobe-
dience‟ or whatever they call it
these days. It generally means
a riot.”
Yesterday, clearly, was one
of these occasions. A mass
email inviting every frustrated
graduate teaching assistant to
gather on the Cathedral Lawn
at noon, join hands in a circle,
and sing protest songs like
“We Shall Overcome,” was
sent at approximately 11:35
Wednesday morning. Of the
graduate students who profi-
ciently read English, almost
half of them were able to es-
cape the confines of their labs
and offices to participate in
Strike, Page 4
you have then? No Boston Mar-
ket to bring home to your kids.”
Xathos went on to propose a
new plan for the world, one that
would unite all the countries
under one supreme leader. Med-
vedev, who had regained his
composure by then, was skepti-
cal, stating that this was merely
a power play. The mysterious
visitor, however, was quick to
disagree.
“I‟m no leader,” he said. “I
don‟t claim to be, I don‟t want
to be. Elect and debate, other
way round, have a duel to the
death if you will. I will merely
watch from the sidelines.”
Xathos, Page 3
 The Pittiful News—PittifulNews@gmail.com—www.PittifulNews.com
Columnist wins lotto
By: Sia Layda
Columnist
This is wonderful! People are
emailing me! Oh, it makes me
so happy! No nonsense today,
girls, I‟m just gonna get right to
it.
THE-BIG-BIG LOTTERY
Attn:
We the members of the THE-
BIG-BIG Lottery Board are
pleased to inform you of the re-
sults from our just concluded lot-
tery draws. The online cyber lotto
draws was conducted from an
exclusive list of 2,000,000 email
addresses comprising of individu-
als and corporate bodies picked by
an advanced automated random
computer search from the internet,
no tickets were sold. After this
automated computer ballot, your e
-mail address attached to Win-
ning ticket number
00002765649541 with Serial
number BIG-3673050706-07 and
lucky numbers (46)
0023/4440/20/89 emerged as a
winner of £500,000.00 GBP
(Five hundred thousand british
pounds).
To get your above stated prize,
you are advised to contact our
processing agent immediately via
email with your winning informa-
tion stated below and personal
datas requested below;
Mr. Benham Cole,
Email: thebigbiglot-
to2009@gmail.com
Sincerely,
Mr. Lisa Svend
I won…? I WON THE
LOTTO!? Oh my god, nothing
like this has ever happened to
me before! Never mind the fact
that I never entered; I WON!
Never mind that I don‟t even
know how much a British
pound is versus an American
one; I WON! Never mind that I
don‟t know WHAT I won five
hundred thousand pounds of; I
WON! Oh wait. Is this…
money? I think it is. I think
they call money “Pounds” over
there, don‟t they? Yeah, I re-
member now. Oh my god, I
won five hundred thousand
British money things!
Thank you so much, Mister
Lisa. It makes me feel all warm
and fuzzy inside knowing that
there is a lottery run by and,
apparently, for drag queens.
I‟m going on an extended
shopping trip, everyone. Five
hundred thousand British dol-
lars! You may or may not hear
from me for a few weeks!
Goodbye, bitches!
-Sia
P.s. Keep emailing me! I‟ll an-
swer your questions upon my
return.
3
Vampires suck blood, “Twilight”
just sucks
By: Dave Smeresky
Columnist
Hello to all my old and new
readers. Late last school year, I
became aware of a movie so
against my being that, if not
for your safety, I would never
mention it ever again. Nor-
mally, I watch a variety of
movies in hopes of finding a use
for seeing it. Chick flicks, for
example, are good for the la-
dies, while action and horror
are just plain awesome. This
movie I originally thought
would be interesting because it
should have fit both categories. If I‟d known throwing glitter
I was dead wrong. over myself would get chicks to
The movie I am talking bang me, I‟d have bought out
about it called Twilight. Party City ages ago.
Before seeing the movie, I
heard from a friend that it for the glowy kid he‟s sooo dan-
would be very good. I was told gerous. Before complaining
the movie was about vampires more about the mythos of the
and sex both of which I ap- movie, I should probably give
prove of having in a movie. I you the basic plot.
went to see the movie with a The movie‟s plot was so stu-
lady friend of mine and I have pid I hate to even mention it,
to say that I was horrified by but for sake of dissuading more
what was on the screen. The people from watching the ca-
vampires were sparkling. tastrophe I will. The movie
I can‟t explain it, but instead starts out with an attractive
of bursting into flames (like any girl moving to a new town.
self respecting vampire would), Then she finds herself attracted
they just glowed a little and to an ugly son of a gun in her
then nothing. Ohhhh, look out biology course. He saves her life
Twilight, Page 4

Strange speaker plans G-50 conference in Grenwich

Xathos, Page 2
It was at this point that
Xathos was given a chance to
bond with President Obama.
“Someone apparently told
him that „he lies‟ at that point,”
said Obama. “I told him not to
take it seriously.”
Nevertheless, Xathos was
later overheard telling several of
his bodyguards to “keep an eye
on” the outcrier.
The outcrier was later heard
speaking frantically to the
woman that he arrived in Pitts-
burgh with.
“No one will listen. We‟re the
only ones who can stop him,”
he said.
Xathos concluded his speech
by encouraging world leaders to
unite again, this time in greater
numbers, next year in Gren-
wich, UK, in an event that he
called “the G-50.”
“See what calamity can be
caused by a mere 20 leaders?”
he said, with a slight verbal tic.
“Now, try doubling that.”
Despite the dramatic levels of
this plan, Xathos has stated
that he has „no ulterior mo-
tives.‟
“I‟m a humble pacifist,” he
said, “There is nothing else in
my scheme. The planets may or
may not be aligned over Gren-
wich on the day of the G-50
summit. Who knows?”
When asked what country
Xathos represented, he refused
to comment.
“Let‟s just say...I‟m not from
anywhere nearby,” he said with
a smirk.
Analysts believe, based on
that comment and his strange
accent and garb, that he is from
Uzbekistan, Australia, or Cleve-
land.
Protestors of the G-20 are
already flying to Grenwich to
camp out for the next year, and
the police are saving up tear-gas
to dump on the entire city.
 4 The Pittiful News—PittifulNews@gmail.com—www.PittifulNews.com

Where is the real Jeff Reed? Teaching Assistants’ strike slightly messy,
By: an Anonymous Steelers Fan of teams and/or their fans to but nevertheless effective
Columnist
take down the greatest team,
Strike, Page 2
Sunday‟s game was a disap- and fans, in the NFL.
pointment to the Steelers na- But who would do such a -dents who proficiently read Chung, explained that quickly
tion. The World Champion thing? English, almost half of them expressing dissent over teach-
Pittsburgh Steelers lost to the Well… I don‟t know. But an were able to escape the con- ing conditions was necessary:
Chicago Bears when Robbie anonymous informant, who I‟ll fines of their labs and offices “It‟s not like we have tons of
Gould kicked a 44 yd field goal call Whistle-Blower, says that to participate in the demon- time. Everyone has quizzes to
with 11 seconds left in the game. he… well, he doesn‟t know ei- stration. The assembly gath- grade and students to fail.”
However, in this incredibly de- ther. ered approximately thirty The protest lasted approxi-
fensive game, the question is However, he says he has in- minutes late, but nevertheless mately twenty minutes before
not, “How did the Steelers formation that may or may not was carried out with ruthless most of the graduate students
lose?” but, “Where is the real be relevant to how they, whom- efficiency characteristic of the realized they‟d rather just go
Jeff Reed?” ever they may be, managed to large percentage of teaching for a beer, as long as they were
Reed missed 2 field goals in pull off this dastardly deed: assistance from the natural outside. This did not, however,
the 4th quarter, both under 45 cloning. Whistle-Blower let me sciences. hinder them from making fur-
yards, normally a chinch for the in on a terrible secret: Jeff Reed, Graduate student in theo- ther complaints about their
10th most accurate kicker in the it seems, has been cloned. And retical mathematics, Oliver students.
NFL. they made sure that this clone
Along with other die-hard would be unable to perform up Twilight is worst reviewed movie ever
fans I can‟t help but contem- to his impeccable standards.
Twilight, Page 3
plate the whereabouts of Jeff Whoever was able to pull off
Reed, and wonder just who, this despicable deed should be from a car wreck. say I haven‟t spoke to the girl I
exactly, was kicking on Sunday. considered extremely dangerous She stalks the pure ugly guy took to the movie or my friend
In the wake of “spygate” it‟s to kickers everywhere. Further and finds out a secret about who suggested since that dread-
easy to speculate that this was investigation is still pending. him. He‟s a vampire. Not the ful night.
an evil plot by any of a number cool “eat-your-face” kind but a Due to all these reasons and
wimpy version of the CW‟s An- more I have to give this movie
gel. The ugly kid and his family negative (infinity sign) out of -
Love this paper? refrain from drinking human 300. Just a number too, not my
There are tons of ways to stay/get blood, but instead decide to
drink animal blood. Then in-
usual walri. Walri do not de-
serve to be associated with this
connected! stead of killing her (like he movie.
should have) the ugly kid be-
1) Come and join us! comes infatuated with her. A Got a movie that you’d love to
-Meetings are at 6:00 on Wednesdays, in Room couple real vampires come into see reviewed? Send a suggetstion
329 of the Cathedral town and decide to have some to PittifulNews@gmail.com
fun and eat some people. Then
2) Pick up these issues! they almost kill the girl and
-Distributing 2-4 on Fridays, in Towers Lobby they get killed.
3) Check out every issue online! This movie is probably the
worst movie I have ever re-
-www.PittifulNews.com viewed, it makes the movie
-Become a fan on Facebook Good Girl look like the greatest
4) Send us freelance stories/comics/photos piece of film making ever. This
-PittifulNews@gmail.com movie only should appeal to
people who want to rebel
against daddy by bringing
THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT!!! home a vampire. Needless to

PitTiful News STAFF

Editor-in-Chief: Jake Swanson
Jess Edelstein Becky Kerner Greg Norcie Julie Rozen Eileen Tong
Rachel Harris Lewis Lehe Phil Papa Matt Russak Emma Weimer
Caitlin Kempf Brigid Mulholland Diana Ren David Smeresky

Crying from laughter? Or is that just from last night? Let us know! PittifulNews@gmail.com