MERRY SQUAT

The Botetourt Squat @botetourtsquat

Vol. 10, Issue 3 ‘Is It News? Probably.’ December 3rd, 2019

Botetourt Beat
AT THE END OF A DECADE
₰ Sophomore diet exclusively breakfast sand-
wiches
₰ BREAKING: SigEp stole my fucking bike
₰ Squat Thanos snaps every other publication out
of existence
₰ What are the College Company kids doing?
Don’t they get hot?
₰ Opinion: WM needs lockers to shove classics
majors in
₰ Freshman data science major scrapes through
semester without a good humbling
₰ Increasing enrollment numbers force Green
and Gold Village into Green and Gold Suburb
₰ Does anyone actually buy the Caf pies?
₰ Flat Hat sports column runs out of ways to say
“lost”
₰ Squat runs out of ways to say “flat hat bad”
₰ Grim Dell Mattress Obituary (rip mattress)
₰ I was at a Metal Festival and Leonard Skinhead
was there
₰ Improv group sued by modern SNL for being
funnier than them
₰ Dissatisfied student transfers to Prager Univer-
sity
₰ Sorority pledges overheard asking for a little
bit of hazing, “just a tad bit of alcohol poisoning
please”
₰ Squat officially banned from AMP until further
notice
₰ Opinion: You can’t be baby if you’re a raging
alcoholic
₰ Sodexo Epicmealtime
₰ Lambda purchases Triangle; converts space to
official Lambda house
₰ I blow a sick vape ring in your face, instantly
killing you
₰ I shit my pants bc I was reading the Squat
Horrified students realize that Rowe is a boomer
BY SOULLESS GINGER
WHAT’S NEXT? CHEESEBRO A BOOMER, TOO?
Reports have flown in of a pan-
ic sweeping the campus after the
student population collective-
ly realized that President Kath-
erine Rowe is, in fact, a boomer.
The phenomenon appears to have
been started when junior Sophia
Juillard, in the process of creat-
ing her Rowe moodboard, looked
up her age on Wikipedia. “It said
that she was born in 1963,” Juil-
lard whispered to the middle dis-
tance behind me. “But she can’t
be. It has to be wrong, there’s just
... she wouldn’t betray us like that.
She wouldn’t. Oh God.” Juillard
then began to walk towards no di-
rection in particular, talking to her-
self more than me. “She did ulti-
mate frisbee. What boomer would
do that? No. No, no, no. It must be
a mistake.” Hands trembling, Juil-
lard picked up her hydroflask and
lieved that over her being a ... a for Rowe to renounce her boomer-
spent five full minutes staring at the
custom Rowe sticker she had pur- fucking boomer. She came into our hood. A particularly dedicated band
chased on Redbubble. community, and pretended to be of History majors have spent count-
Other students have processed something she wasn’t. Fuck, now less hours analyzing her birth certif-
the news not with denial, but in- I have a tattoo of a boomer on my icate, looking for flaws or signs of
stead with rage. Take, for exam- chest!” Fubbard then stormed off to fabrication. According to their lead-
ple, senior Ben Fubbard. “I can’t join the sit-in outside of the presi- er, sophomore Amita Bhatt, they
dent’s house, which is now entering expect to find evidence of a “Reve-
fucking believe this. How dare
she? How fucking dare she lie to us its fourth day. ly-backed conspiracy” soon.
The revelation has instigated a For her part, President Rowe has
like this? I knew, logically, that she
wasn’t Gen Z, but I assumed that massive shift in campus culture. not made any statement on the con-
she might be an older millennial,” Several Rowe-aesthetic instagram troversy. The Botetourt Squat at-
Fubbard hissed as he finished writ- pages have shut down, their oper- tempted to reach out for comment,
ing “OK BOOMER” on his protest ators and followers searching for but according to her PR office she
sign. “I heard that there was some a new faculty member to repeat- is “currently focusing on spending
Gen X or whatever. I don’t know edly compare to Stevie Nicks. Pe- quality time with her cat, Lyra. Al-
if that’s real, but I would have be- titions have emerged demanding so, her husband.”

William and Mary Welcomes Exchange Students from the Everglades

BY A MOUNTAIN MAN
LIVING WITH A MOUNTAIN PLAN
As we fluctuate between ice
and heat (clear indicators we
are approaching winter in Wil-
liamsburg) a plethora of new
TWAMPS descend on the
Swamp ready for their digestive
systems to be held prisoner by
Sodexo and their dripping sweat
to fertilize the Sunken Gardens.
Amongst the usual geniuses
of students on campus such as
students returning from a year
at St Andrews, insisting that
their newfound Scottish accents
are au natural, freshman and
students eager to post blurry
45 minute videos of them at
frat parties to show their social
media following that William
and Mary has parties and they
know how to throw it down like
it’s 1693, and returning students
who are hoping this is the year
they figure out how to minimize
the number of miles they walk
on campus, a new group of
exchange students has arrived
from another very prestigious
swamp: crocodiles from the
Everglades.
Because crocodiles thrive
in the immense heat and near
bodies of water where they can
have access to a variety of small
creatures to feast on, they have
all been placed in Botetourt
Complex for the duration of
their stay. Much to the relief of
taxpayers, the College has had
to do little to get the living con-
ditions ready for the crocodiles
to thrive in.
“When I heard we were go-
ing to William and Mary for a
semester, I was scared that there
wouldn’t be any of the creature
comforts that I enjoy but I am so
glad we were placed in a build-
ing with no air conditioning and
far away from any kinds of traf-
fic patterns,” said Chad in ob-
servation of his time in William
and Mary so far.
“I really feel at home on this
campus,” said one of the ex-
change students named Brock,
“there are so many different
kinds of fish, frogs, and crusta-
ceans living in Lake Matoaka
and basement of Botetourt Com-
plex that I don’t think I can ever
get sick of the food here!”
But not all students are as ex-
cited to be on campus as Brock.
Genevieve, another exchange
student, complained about the
fact “she loves to eat birds but
for some reason [her] OA said
[she] wasn’t allowed to eat the
golden griffin statue no matter
how many dining dollars [she]
offered the College.”
To further welcome the croco-
diles to campus and make them
feel at home, Sam Jones gifted
them with a hurrication.
AGENDA SETTING
White House: we have
hit “Peak Dab”
BY PARTICLE-MAN SKYLORD
MORE CUMIN THAN CUMIN
WHITE HOUSE, THE — Officials
confirmed Tuesday that, when ac-
counting for total human consumption,
future pipeline, and international Re-
alpolitik, Earth is at peak dab. Depart-
ment of Transportation head Bill Pil-
paltha stresses the importance of find-
ing an alternative: “The chance of an
undiscovered reservoir of novelty is
next to none, and while we all would
like to see dabbing pull a salty — big
in the ’90s and then again in the early
2010s — the projections are not good.”
He does a sad, slow dab in front of the
podium to illustrate; a few members of
the press almost smirk, but most just
shake their heads to be honest fam. Pil-
paltha stresses that “every layer of iro-
ny has been peeled back,” and that all
we have left is an “ugly, rotten core”
on the level of planking, Saturday
Night Live, and people who remember
Lil B. Red herring commentator Tom-
my Blackwell muses, “somewhere
out there, a mother of two browsing
Facebook has discovered dabbing for
the first time. I don’t know her name,
but I can see her face rapidly aging,
as if seconds are years. The wrinkles
around her eyes from smiling fade as
the fold of her brow sharpens in dis-
dain and exhaustion. The transition is
almost immediate in my mind’s eye,
but to her it must seem like an eternity.”
The Botetourt Squat
‘Casus sunt, notabile est’
Tyler 114
College of William and Mary, Williamsburg, VA. 23185
Contact Us: botetourtsquat@email.wm.edu
Current Staff The Honored Dead
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Monarch
Aidan O’Hallaran, For
Noah Dowe, Help
Tommy Blackwell, Sellout
Mark Hutchens, Force
Rachel Lane, If
Natalie Wexler, You’re
Ghost
Zach Rubin, Waifu
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Tristan Robinson, Me Rigel Kaufman, Milton’s
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Layout by a whole bunch of loser virgins
Disclaimer: This is a satirical publication and
should be read as such. Not intended to be read
by anyone under 18, Student Affairs, or people
who don’t understand satire. Special thanks to our
lovely Swem Cataloguers, who have to endure
this monthly hardship. Any non-public figures
represented here are either fictional or represeted
with their express consent. Please don’t sue us.
We don’t have money. We don’t have anything.
The Botetourt Squat § December 3rd, 2019 § PAGE 2
Yule Log Ceremony Changed to
Juul Log So William and Mary Can
Stay Relevant after 327ish Years
BY MR ROWEBOT
(When Calculating 2019 Minus 1693 It Said 326 But I’m Pretty Sure It’s 327…)
Among the many changes William
and Mary is making to bring the second
oldest university in the country into the
twenty-first century, it was recently an-
nounced the beloved Yule Log ceremo-
ny was going to be changed to the Juul
Log Ceremony.
“With regulations tightening on fla-
vored Juul pods, William and Mary was
able to secure the sponsorship at a rela-
tively low cost leaving us more money
to not invest in proper dishwashers in
the reusable plate using eating spaces,”
said a statement by a knowledgeable
pella groups will do performances of
grad student at 1 a.m. at College when songs such as “All I Want for Christ-
asked about the changes being made.
mas is Juul,” “The Most Wonderful
Juul Cloud of the Year,” “Juul Bells,”
In past years, the Yule Log Ceremo- “Rudolph the Juul Pod Nosed Rain-
ny held at the Wren Portico on a night deer” among other beloved winter clas-
during final exams (random thought: if sics. President Rowe will then read stu-
you want a higher turnout, during final dents the Juul Founding Story, her fa-
exams, maybe hold it at Swem? ...) fea- vorite quotes about Juuls from Over-
tured students talking about their win- heard and memes about Juuls from
ter holiday tradition, singing, Presi- Swampy Memes.
dent Rowe reading a story, and throw-
ing sprigs of holly into the Great Hall’s Instead of throwing a sprig of hol-
fireplace that was lit by the honored ly into the fire, students will craft their
Yule Log. own William and Mary inspired Juul
pods to blow a sick cloud of smoke in-
This year, students will compete in to the Grand Hall Fireplace. Possible
a winter shape cloud blowing con- flavor combinations include a Caf mo-
test where the winner will win a limit- saic bowl, Crim Dell water, Wawa mac
ed edition gold and emerald encrusted and cheese, Whiteclaw, and the tears
Juul. Legend has it William himself had of those who fail a William and Mary
an identical one and that’s how he daz- course aka got a B+.
zled Mary … If a student does not have
their own Juul, they will be able to rent Have a great holiday season
one from the Swem Media Lab. Don’t TWAMPS and keep on making the
worry, dining dollars are accepted! Tribe Choices that entertain us all on
Facebook!
After the cloud blowing contest, a ca-
THOTS ON LIFE
W&M’s Premiere Sex and Lifestyle Column
How are finals looking?
I ran out of Flex within I have already booked my study I’m a Business Major.
the first month of school rooms, bought five hundred flash-
because I, stupid idiot fresh- cards, and stocked up on snacks/
man, thought it would be highlighters. Right now I am sniff-
fun to order five pizzas. ing a Sharpie. I fear no God.
The Botetourt Squat December 3rd, 2019 PAGE 3

Rowe Hits Sophomore Slump

BY PIGEON
PIGEON
Having acquired a sense of mastery and comfort
in her duties as president in herfirst year at the Col-
lege, Katherine Rowe has entered her sophomore
year feeling readyto get more involved on cam-
pus. “I took it a little easy in my first year because I
wantedto get a good feel for the college atmosphere
before overcommitting,” she told this Botetourt
Squat correspondent. “Last year, all I had to do was
lead fundraising efforts, handle personnel decisions,
provide moral leadership for a pluralistic and mul-
tifaceted campus community, balance the priorities
of our Board with those of our faculty and students,
and plan both the short-term and long-term strategy
of one of the world’s most prestigious universities
with limited financial resources. As you could prob-
ably guess, I spent a lot of my day relaxing and kill-
ing time. All the kids taking Intro Bio wouldn’t stop
teasing me!” she said, laughing. “Now I am ready
to start getting involved with this wonderful campus
community.”
The primary way President Rowe seeks to
accomplish this is through joining several clubs
around campus. Many students spotted her wander-
ing around this year’s Activities Fair, with hands full
of fliers and seemingly unable to refuse eager stu-
dents pushing her to join their clubs’ Listservs. “I’m
not really sure what ‘Smash’ is,” she says, walking
away from a crowded booth. “But I am excited to
find out!”
I was allowed to shadow President Rowe for a
day to see how her schedule has changed with these
new commitments. After staying up until 2 a.m. for
a stargazing meeting put on by the Astronomy club,
she oversleeps her 5 o’clock alarm. When she fi-
nally leaves the President’s House at 6:12, she’s in
a hurry to get to the Rec as quickly as possible to
meet up with her indoor soccer team. “I was already
late last week! I hope they don’t kick me off the
team,” she says. Upon arriving to practice 30 min-
utes late, the self-appointed captain of the team or-
ders the president to run laps until she drops from
exhaustion. “I don’t blame her,” pants President
Rowe in the final leg of her 18th lap. “She has to
garner respect from her team, and if the president
can show up late to practice, how could she hope
to maintain that respect?” After several more laps,
President Rowe staggers back to her home to host a
breakfast with several departmental heads.
Following a series of presidential meetings
spread out through the late morning and afternoon,
President Rowe steps out onto the steps of her home
at exactly 5 p.m. to join a Students United pro-
test of herself. “I just think it’s important to speak
truth to power,” she explained to yours truly. After
around fifteen minutes brandishing a sign excoriat-
ing the deep influence of authoritarianism and cap-
italism in the university’s administration, President
Rowe then bikes furiously to make a 5:30 meeting
of the Investment Banking Club at the Raymond A.
Mason School of Business. After half-a-dozen more
club meetings, President Rowe returns home at 11
p.m., and confides in your correspondent her doubts
about keeping up with her ambitious new schedule.
“I thought I could handle it while maintaining a high
level of quality in my presidential duties, but I’m
just not sure,” she sighs. “What you have to remem-
ber is that I was not a STEM major in college: I am
just a mere mortal. There’s only so much I can do.
I think it might be time to scale back. After a heart-
breaking deliberation over which Listservs to un-
subscribe from and which club groupchats to leave,
President Rowe feels she has finally achieved a lev-
el of comfort and moderation in her many responsi-
bilities as the College president and active member
of the William and Mary community.
“Hell, yeah I’m staying on the Ultimate team!”
she responded to a question from your correspon-
dent. “Live by the disc, die by the disc.” She was
last spotted yelling at a freshman, who was choking
back tears, for dropping “the perfect pass.”

Student accidentally submits Buddy the Elf smut

fanfiction as final paper
BY MEME SLUT
YOU DONE FUCKED UP BRUH
Now that finals season has
arrived, the campus of Wil-
liam and Mary is in the gamer
grind, and the libraries are
full of students who can be
seen studying, enjoying a
Swem Aromas coffee, having
a mental breakdown and dis-
sociating, or shushing other
students who are existing too
loudly on the third floor. We
decided to interview some of
these struggling youths in the
midst of their gross sobbing,
to see what they had to say
about their current situations.
One student in particular
caught the attention of us
interviewers, as she looked
eerily calm and deranged at
the same time. Her hands
trembled at the keyboard, and
her eyes held a manic en-
ergy. Yet the rest of her facial
expression was serene and
seemingly content with the
shitty coffee she’d just taken
a sip from.
We decided to start simple
in our questioning and ask
the student if she was ready
for break. An unnatural smile
plastered onto her face when
she told us, “Break is gonna
be fun, especially because it’s
gonna last forever for me.”
ter and inquired why she was
dropping out, she heaved a
sigh and began to tell us her
story.
“I’m a simple woman with
simple needs,” she started.
“I’m young, dumb, and horny,
but I’m too restricted by soci-
ety to do anything about it. So
I write smut fanfiction.” The
student continued her story by
explaining that she liked writ-
ing gay smut fics for her fa-
vorite characters, but then she
saw some fine cursed content
regarding Grinch porn. She
had decided she was going
to ruin her own childhood,
before anyone else could ruin
it for her again, and write out
full length, Buddy the Elf
porn.
“At the beginning, I had
done it as a joke,” she
claimed, “but as time went
on I really started to get to
know Buddy. I got invested,
ya know?” We were hella
uncomfy but too curious to
stop. “I loved writing about
him getting dicked down by
Santa and shoving candy cane
dildos up his ass, because
Buddy was so soft and cute.
I couldn’t help it, I fell in
love!”
“Every night, I’d write more
and more, and it became an
would be writing a new story cal. “I … I just got so excited,
about a bratty Buddy being and I accidentally got the files
dominated by three elves, and mixed up during my post-nut
the next I would lustfully re- high and …” We knew what
read some of my own work. It was coming. “I submitted my
was like I was going out with Buddy the Elf smut fanfiction
him!” Don’t judge her don’t as my final paper.”
judge her don’t judge her oh
my god. “How did this turn We stood in awkward silence
into you dropping out?” One for a solid ten minutes, when
of the interviewers was brave someone finally broke the
enough to ask. silence and asked if that was
The girl turned to us with a why she was leaving.
haunted look. “You see,” she
told us, “I went too far. I was “Oh no,” she happily chirped,
writing one of my best works “My professor loved it and ac-
yet, my magnum opus. It was tually wanted more! I’m drop-
a self-insert where I fucked ping out of college to pursue
him in the back of Santa’s my dream of being a porn film
sleigh until he couldn’t see screenwriter!”
straight. But I was writing my
psychology final paper at the
same time.” Of fucking course
she was a psych major, typi-
Press Replay with Becca K.
Walmart was playing the MCR version on
“All I want for Christmas is you” on Satur-
day, which is the only acceptable version of
that song. If you are looking for a fun prank
to pull this holiday season, get the aux at any
family gathering and play anti-Christmas mu-
sic. You can start mild with MCR and ska cov-
ers of typical Christmas songs (there’s a whole
bunch of these??) then progress to songs like
“Dear Santa Claus, Go Fuck Yourself!” and
the entire Smash Mouth Christmas album. I
tested this fun prank out on my grandparents
who only listen to classical music and can
confirm: this prank WILL get big reactions.
Becca K. owns more funky socks than
she’d like to admit. A self-declared business
bitch, she proudly owns two pairs of Crocs -
one for work, and one for play. Yum.

When we pressed the mat- obsession. One moment I

VARIETY
Which is better for avoiding people: resting bitch face or tabling at Sadler?
BY MEME SLUT
#INTROVERTEDHERMITSGANG
To put it simply: I hate people.
And I make sure that they all
know not to talk to me by shov-
ing headphones into my ears,
strutting towards my destina-
tions with an unwavering fo-
cus, and most importantly: the
classic Resting Bitch Face ™. I
will actively go through every
sketchy murder street and gri-
mace through cold, bitter winds
for an 20 extra minutes on my
path home, if it means I avoid
people escape the evil that is
small talk pleasantries. “hI hOw
ArE yOu??? Im GoOd, HoW
aRe YoU???” We all know we’re
all dead inside, so what’s the
point in being a fakeass hoe?
Therefore, when I decided to ta-
ble at the entrance to Sadler for
the first time, I thought it would
be a horrible idea. Social inter-
action, awkwardness, and ads?
Hewpfuw Tips w/ Hawwie :3 :3
Hewwo!!!!! :3 :3 :3 :3
SEASONS GWEETINGS! I hope
you aww had a happy and wefwesh-
ing Thanksgiving bweak. I know
I suwe did :3 But now its time to
buckwe down and gwind. Make su-
we to get pwenty of sweep duwing
this stwessfuw time, ow I wiww en-
suwe you sweep fowevew.
Hawwie F. is baby. In her spare time,
you can find her in all 69 of her clubs or
in her room watching the Best Of “The
Voice” Auditions and crying.
No thanks. Not for me. Howev-
er, my expectations were pleas-
antly subverted. I didn’t account
for the role reversal that would
happen in this situation. Where
before I had put in effort to
avoid people, people were now
doing my work for me, and in
that moment I realized just how
much power I had.
At the table I sat with my lap-
top out and resting bitch face
in plain sight. I could see ev-
eryone avoid my hunting gaze
with a fear that if I spotted them,
they would surely be grabbed
and dragged into hell fire with
myself lighting the torch. I felt
smug and would probably have
taken advantage of it to mess
with others, if i didn’t have shit
to do (finals season, man, it’s a
bitch).
Still, I had my moments. For
example, at some point I was
working on my laptop when I
The Botetourt Squat § December 3rd, 2019 § PAGE 4
saw someone staring holes in-
to my head and creep closer in
my peripheral vision. I thought
to call out to them but was curi-
ous to see where this went, so I
stayed put and silently watched
them sneak up to my table. I was
tempted to bite their hand off
when I saw the student steadi-
ly reached for a Squat Newspa-
per, because the way they did it
felt similar to someone trying to
steal food from a sleeping griz-
zly bear. The moment they had
to newspaper in their grasp, I fi-
nally flashed a look and pierced
their soul with my stare. When
they quickly ran away and in-
to the cafeteria, I felt a sense of
euphoria that I never felt before,
and I’ll probably never feel it
again. All of this suffering with-
in the tango of social interac-
tion; I was absolutely delighted
to be the one on the end of the
equation that put others into tur-
moil.
On Transcendence
BY EE CUMMINGS
god might
be real
but I
RE
AL
LY
have to
poop
This power over others made me
feel like a god, compared to my
normal routine of social escape.
Resting bitch face is a great tool
to make others scared to talk to
you, but it only gets you so far,
in the long run. For there will
still be that skin-crawling small
talk no matter where you go,
and there will still be that awk-
ward dance to go around slow
crowds no matter what path you
find. What makes tabling superi-
or is that you deal with none of
this, because everyone who goes
to William and Mary has some
level of social anxiety, and being
forced to talk to someone adver-
tising is pure nightmare fuel for
these kinds of people. It feels
good to be on the other side of
that interaction.
In conclusion: resting bitch face
good. Tabling at Sadler better, if
you’re a sadist like me.
 The Botetourt Squat
Spotswood Struggles to Find New Bell Boy
BY SEXXXY BABY YODA
WORST PSEUDONYM IN A WHILE
The Spotswood Society has been
recently looking for a new bell
handler, which is a difficult and
demanding task for many, having
to ding it several times per day.
A few weeks ago, Spotswood put
an ad in the Flat Hat looking for a
new bellboy, and because no one
reads that piece of shit, they didn’t
get anyone in the two weeks.
I interviewed one of the
Spotswood Society members, and
this is what they had to say about
the only person to respond to the
ad. “Yeah, no we got like zero
responses for a while. It sucked
man. Nobody has the time to act
as a bellboy, but one day I was
sitting in my office when I heard
a knock on the door. No, it was
more like a banging, like when
the FBI is at your door. I wouldn’t
December 3rd, 2019
know what it sounds like, but I’d
assume only felons read the Squat,
so they’d know.”
“Anyways, I open the door, and
a man was standing there. There
were two things I noticed: he had
a massive bruise on his forehead,
and he had no arms. He said he
was interested in the position of
bellboy. I was hesitant to allow
him training, but he insisted. I
brought him up to the bell room at
the top of Wren, and I needed to
see if he could ring the thing first.
‘I got this shit. Watch me,’ he said
as he charged at that thing like a
lineman. He shook like a fucking
Looney Tunes character before
falling over.”
“He did well, but I needed to see
if he could do it several times for
the noon ring. Once again, he ran
at the big bell, but instead of stop-
PAGE 5
ping, he flew back, bouncing
between the wall and bell
until it sounded four times
until he fell face-first on the
ground and was knocked
unconscious for like fifteen
minutes. I couldn’t even
recognize what he looked
like anymore. Motherfucker
looked like Carrie.”
“Anyways, once he got up,
I asked him if he could do
the Westminster Chimes for
the quarter-hours. He could
barely respond because of
the severe blood loss, but alas, “I slid down the ladder and ran
he ran for the bell and stumbled, out quick as I could, and I noticed
but I helped him up, and he gave a crowd of people had formed
everything charging at the bell. around the dude’s body, includ-
He was bouncing off all the bells ing a WMPD officer. One of them
like a goddamn pinball at record asked me if I knew the man’s
speeds; however, instead of hitting name. I responded to the officer, ‘I
the walls, he flew right out the can’t remember his name, but his
goddamn window. Splat.” face sure does ring a bell.”
SPECIAL REPORTS
What would you say if your pal offered you a weed?
The Botetourt Squat § December 3rd, 2019 § PAGE 5

BY JOHN DALY • No thanks, I’m rodents into the • I’ll scissor-kick

GRIP IT AND RIP IT okay! depths of my anus! you in the genitals
Hey everybody! Have you • That’s alright, you • I think that people if you ask me to
ever been in a situation
where your buddy offers
have it! who smoke weed smoke the devil’s
you a marijuana cigarette? • You know what, I’d are not cool! lettuce one more
Did you know that weed rather just watch • I enjoy burning the fucking time!
is banned under the Con-
trolled Substances Act as a you get as high as a tips of my fingers • No thanks, I’d rath-
Schedule 1 drug? — that’s kite! with a soldering er become a furry
the same as heroin or meth!
Did you know that taking • I’m gonna cream iron so that I don’t who wears adult
just one hit of a weed can my pants! leave any finger- diapers!
permanently kill over half • Fuck off! prints! • No way, José.
your sperm count? Well I’m
here to prepare you so that • No, that shit’s • That shit smells re- • I’m going to have
when your best pal tries to gross! ally bad! sex with your
get you to smoke, you’ll
know how to turn him down • No thank you, I’m • My father’s been at mother if you keep
and keep all your precious not a degener- the gas station buy- puffing away at that
semen! Here are some key
phrases that might help if ate scumbag who ing cigarettes for nasty crap!
your pal offers you a weed: likes shoving furry 15 years! • Bite me, fucker!

BREAKING: The Boys Are In

Town

Across the Sea with Christian B.

Y’all British television is wack.
There’s a channel over here called
“Babestation” and it’s straight up
just porn. So after a night out ev-
eryone just rolls up to the TV room
and watches porn whilst drunk. Lol
nah I’m just kidding … unless?

Christian B. is in the St Andrews program,

and he’s totally not going to change abroad you
guys. This dirty, dirty English major loves his
books more than sex. Can we get an F in the chat
for Christian :(
OPINION FACT POINT/COUNTERPOINT: AMP bad?
The Botetourt Squat § December 3rd, 2019 § PAGE 7

The subject of this issue’s point/counterpoint will be the infamous campus or-
ganization: Alma Mater Productions. AMP has been controversial for having a lot
of money at their disposal and because they’re just fun to make fun of. We won’t say
they’re good, but they could be argued “not bad.”
POINT: AMP BAD COUNTERPOINT: AMP NOT BAD
BY SEXY TRIBECARD looking for what the numbers BY (THE LAT3) GRIM D3ll MATTR3SS coffee. Anyways, look.
AMP BAD mean, they were looking to see AMP NOT BAD AMP may have a ridicu-
The only thing AMP should who could get their streams Okay look, did you ever lously large budget. Sure,
stand for is “Ah Me Piss” closer to my mouth. And it have to do those things in maybe they shut down
because that’s all they do. wasn’t even like healthy pee Gov class in high where the Squat’s suggestion
Auditioning for their gigs are either. It was like waking up in you had to argue for a to have Smash Mouth to
fucking stupid. I did one for a the morning super sweaty with certain side of an issue play at the spring concert.
homebrew but all they did was your bladder full kind of pee. that you just didn’t fuck- And yeah, maybe they do
pee on the stage while I was Shit reeked, but yeah, AMP ing believe in? Like one piss in front of audition-
playing. Not only this, but who bad. time, they made me argue ing students, but they give
is in AMP? I seriously can’t AGAINST the Clean Air us stupid shit to do when
mention a single person in the and Water Acts. Seri- there is nothing else to do,
club. Are they ghosts? Are they ously? And now this? even if it’s just five people
ashamed of their association Our opinions fact col- who go. So, is AMP really
with the club? Who knows? umn coordinator told me that bad?
Hell, they all wore fucking ski over coffee I had to write
masks and used pitch sliders this counterpoint, but it
when I did my audition, it was wasn’t even Swemromas
like the campaign in Call of or anything. Nah, he broke
Duty: Black Ops, but instead of the news over Sadler

A Pornhub Review from the overall experience, casually maneuvering the box
BY DICKEY MOUSE AND MINNIE MEAT
but the performance of these without revealing his big se-
WE WATCHED PORN TOGETHER, FOR RESEARCH two actors is nonetheless im- cret, she shows an incredible
pressive and laudable. desire for a succulent donut.
FAMILYSTROKES — MILF the breakfast table, on which Her stepbrother tells her that
STEP MOM FUCKS SON rests plates ladened with
whole avocados and a spoiled Rating: BB she must close her eyes, and
banana. The mother, dressed she complies, totally forget-
Upon entering the scene, we
like a harlot, goes under the ting the overtly sexual en-
the humble viewer find an
table and begins sucking her HOT STEPSIS EMMA HIX counter she just had with him
unhappy marriage where a
stepson’s supple-yet-firm FALLS FOR BROTHER’S in the doorway. Not only that,
begging mother, played by
weiner. Despite the fact that PERVY TRICKS S7:E5 but she also cannot use her
the juicy Kagney Linn Kar-
there’s a full-length mirror hands to obtain a sweet sticky
ter, pleads for some physical As always, Step Siblings donut. She opens the box and
connection with her husband. in view, the father continues
to have a conversation with Caught pulls through with a begins exploring with her
Her stepson overhears the
his son, all amidst the typical spectacular performance by mouth for which donut she
mother’s dilemma, but de-
cides not to interfere. Plant- slurps and smacks of fellacio. Emma Hix. Like most step- wants, when her dexterous
But then, in the next scene, sis-themed porns, this video tongue stumbles across his
ing himself on a fake leather
couch, inconveniently placed we find the mother in need of begins as her voyeur brother mammoth-yet-eloquent penis,
some more physical comfort watches through an open door coated with flakes of choco-
in front of the glass back
door, he discusses with his while her husband is sleep- while Emma undresses, strok- late and glaze. She opens her
ing his mastodon of a cock as eyes and is revolted, but play-
friend on the phone his desire ing. Taking the most rational
to clap his mother’s cheeks. approach, the stepmother and she strips down. After being fully so. Justin bargains with
subsequently repelled by his his sister to suck his dick in
His mother hears this and en- stepson begin rutting on the sister, this industrious young return for this box of dough-
ters the room, restrained by a very same bed in which the man, played by Justin Hunt, nuts. The master negotiator
structurally-unsound bra, and husband is taking a nap (as it devises a plan. He grabs a quickly calculates the value
plants herself atop the young is clearly daylight outside).
Once again there is no transi- box of donuts and cuts a hole of his donuts in terms of dick
man, played by the brilliant
tion, as the screen instantly in the middle, shoving his succs, knowing he will end up
Brad Knight. After seducing thicc cock of incredible girth victorious and close the deal.
her stepson, the video instant- cuts to full, hardcore pound-
ly cuts to complete penetra- ing that is not at all discrete or through the bottom and into
the box, where it sits in be-
tion, no foreplay, no transi-
tion. In the next scene, we
quiet. Altogether, the lack of
transitional pieces is deeply tween the donuts. Upon join- Rating: BBBB
problematic, taking away ing his sister on the couch,
find the family assembled at
¿SP
SPÖÖRT AND REVIÜ? The Botetourt Squat § December 3rd, 2019 § PAGE 8

You should come to my Meridian set

BY WILL T. OLEDO
READ THE FLAT HAT ARTICLE; SAID I COULD DO WORSE

Hey dude, are you free this the seafood place? Keep going
Saturday? Like saturday night? down that past the dorm. Ok,
Like at around 7:40-8 p.m.? so now you see three white
No? Oh lit. You should totally houses? It’s the second one.
come to my Meridian set. No, The one that looks like ass.
like it’s going to be really cool WIth the big M on the door,
dude, I’m going to play some yeah that house. It’s so cool.
absolute bangers. I’ve been Be careful on the stairs, I to-
practicing some new material tally ate it last year.
and I’m really excited for this
one— When you get to the door,
you’ll be asked for a manda-
What? You don’t know what tory “optional” $3-5 donation.
the Meridian is? Dude its only It’s for a good cause I think? I
the coolest place on campus. don’t know, I just play. There’s
So like, it’s a coffee shop, but normally a few tables outside
they don’t really have cof- so if you want to chill before
fee. It’s more of a sober music my set you can. If you need to this place. I have at least one “Siberian Hellpit.” I mean
venue … what? Oh no it’s use the restroom, ask anyone panic attack every time I go that one vibes, but I think Sue
not private, it’s owned by the there, they’ll tell you. There’s there. First time I had three. Your Dad has a certain ring to
school, but it’s run by a lot also a room full of feminist It’s so fucking rad man. You it, you know? Haha, yeah …
of dysfunctional radio kids. literature and zines. Don’t all stand around halfheartedly anyways, I’m playing a mix
Yeah you can tell. They do ask for a phone charger. They dancing while simultaneously of covers and originals on my
other stuff too, like arts and don’t believe in phones. It’s a judging everyone around you synth, otamatone, and looper
crafts nights. They used to do little bit of a … pretend that for their music taste and sense pedal. I like to describe my
a propaganda night where you its 1993, turn off your phone of fashion, all while the indie- music as beachy dream-pop.
watch propaganda as a group and talk to each other kind of band-of-the-week straight up Yeah, haha, one of my biggest
and then go home. That shit’s place, if you catch my drift? vibes. inspirations is Tame Impala, I
tight. doubt you know them
I’m just gonna let you know My act name is “Sue Your
Anyways, you know when you now, your energy is all off. Dad” … do you like it? Yeah, … oh you do? Do you know
go to campus center, right? You’re down here, and I need haha, I mean I like it. I don’t Modest Mouse? Do you know
And there’s the road next to you to take it up by about know, I still have time to “Float On” by Modest Mouse.
campus center by confusion three-to-five notches to survive change it before the show if
corner? The one across from I need to. My alt would be Haha. Yeah.
A William and Mary Gift Guide
BY FESTIVE ROWEBOT
It’s the end of the semester and if you’re For The Person Who You’re Not Sure if
looking to blow your remaining dining dol- You’re Friends With Benefits or This is Going
lars on gifts for people, (the prior sentence def- Somewhere or AHHHHHHH: A book of cross-
initely wasn’t a subtle sexual innuendo/shout- word puzzles. You’re confused, why not make
out to the sex triathlon…) you’ve come to the them just as confused?
right spot! Despite the fact we all have a lot on
our plates, and I’m not talking about the bac- For the Freshman: A gift certificate for a
teria leftover on Sadler/Caf plates, we are still tattoo of a William and Mary landmark of
expected to get presents for people during the their choosing. Freshmen love posting pic-
holiday season amidst a flurry of studying, tures of William and Mary on their social me-
sex, packing, holiday partying, and test-taking. dia. Give them the gift that allows their love
Below is the official Botetourt Squat Guide to for the campus to last longer than the battery
the holidays. on their phone.
For William and Mary: Anti-aging cream. For Your Significant Other: A brick from the
Being 327 years old doesn’t mean you need pathway engraved with your initials. This is
to have the wrinkles to prove it! actually cute.
For the Varsity Swemmer: A colonial strip- For the Acapella Group Member: A group Wanna write for
per. Use your Washington’s to send a half-
naked Washington to the friend that lives in
of extras to come to their Wren 10. Let their the Squat? It’s
Instagram and Snapchat stories make them
Swem and doesn’t have a social life and needs look like their group is the Jonas Brothers of easy! Show up to
to see the human body not just in the pages of
their biology textbook.
Virginia’s Colonial Acapella Scene. our meetings, ev-
For the Squirrel: A one-way plane ticket to ery Thursday in
For the OA: Red Bull. An OA can never UVA. These fuckers are terrible. Rumor has it
have enough energy just like freshmen can they attacked one of our writers and sent them Tyler 114 at 6:00.
never spend enough time in Kaplan. to the Health Center… If you want to contact us, write
For the Botetourt Complex Resident: A For the Roommate You Sexile: Some- to botetourtsquat@email.wm.edu.
book on the five stages of grief. Bot residents
are still in the bargaining stage: eyeing those
thing actually nice. Put together a kit featur-
ing a shit ton of snacks, a small blanket for
Also if you know how to rotate
coveted dorm switches. the cold weather months, alcohol, a sugges- text in Microsoft Word, please let
tive adult coloring book, and condoms in case
For the Lemon Hall Resident: They won they become the sexiler (in a different dorm us know.
the housing lottery--they don’t need a gift. room of course!)