DID YOU MISS ME?

The Botetour t Sq u at
@botetourtsquat
Vol. 11, Issue 1 ‘Is It News? Probably.’ April 20, 2021

Botetourt Beat 10 Years Of Squat: The Secret History

BY SQUAT HISTORIAN ARCHIMEDES VON SWICKSFORD
Happy Birthday Squatman! HOW DID WE MAKE IT THIS FAR LOL

₰ Historians mistaken, Christ actually turned

water into piss
₰ “We’re doing this again?” says tired Squat
Writer
₰ Sadler West expansion to include entire room
for ingesting legal weed
₰ Correction: they said CBT, not CBD
₰ Caf bathroom stops stocking toilet paper,
Flat Hat prints suffer
₰ The Bucholtz 1999 liguistic study where she
studies the linguistic activites of nerd girls but
with current William and Mary groups
₰ Cotton Candy Bang Energy legally classified
as crack
₰ The 2 Genders: Ligma and Sugma
₰ Frat suspended for hazing after forcing
initiates to eat anti-hazing pledge
₰ New COLL 200 domain introduced: GB,
which stands for “Girl Boss”
₰Squatman Mansquat is an Omega: confirmed
₰ B-School Student makes executive decision to
become boring
₰ Student Assembly still has not condemned
the Vietnam War.
₰ Marketplace plays Helena by MCR to com-
mensurate the misery felt by those trying to
register for classes
₰ ruh roh! law school alumnus has shit over
this institution’s already faltering reputation!
A s the Botetourt Squat— founded in
2011— rounds out its first decade,
many have wondered how the first and
only club on campus started. Well, wonder
no more, true believer. Gathering in their
headquarters of the Atlantic Ocean, the
secretive yet exalted Ancients Of Squat
have permitted the publication of our true
history for the first time.
While the Squat came into existence as
a newspaper only a decade ago, our story
begins millenia before. The earth was
young, but blood was old. The legends
say that during the infancy of mankind,
a gleaming crack appeared in the sky, and
two shimmering warriors descended from
organizations would become known as the Campus Center.
them. The Teachings Of The Ancients
the Flat Hat and Botetourt Squat.
tell us that their names were Botean Even now, the members of the Flat
Tourtan and Flateus Hator. Some say Over the centuries, the progeny Hat and Botetourt Squat wage our
that they were brothers. Others that they of the two celestial warriors would secret war. For the most part, we do it
had been lovers. There are fewer who infiltrate, skirmish, and assassinate, Friday afternoons in the Sadler Center
say both, but they’re weird so we ignore all in order to claim ownership over parking lot with tasers and Walmart
them. Exploring a strange land, the two the Shadowblade Squat. Agents of the nunchucks. For 200,000 years, we
eventually found a priceless artifact in secret societies drove world events stalwarts at the Botetourt Squat have
the heart of a volcano: The Shadowblade from the shadows. The Botetourt Squat never lost the Shadowblade, except
Squat. Tempted by its dark power, Botean fuelled the Napoleonic Wars. The Flat for one time in 1967 where everyone
and Flateus turned on each other in order Hat concocted the Black Plague in a experimented with weed and couldn’t
to claim it. The battle was long and lab. World War One was actually an find it. But other than that our watch is
furious, levelling the volcano, but Botean Illuminati vs. Freemasons beef, but vigilant. We guard it, maintain it, and
prevailed. A retreating Flateus vowed one thing led to another and we sorta occasionally use it as a minigolf club.
they would have their revenge, and spent got in the middle of that. Eventually, And so it shall remain until the stars die
the next thousand years gathering an the conflict returned to the temple built out.
army. Botean did the same, and these over the ruins of the volcano; we call it

William and Mary mistakenly sends nude griffin photos to 400 undergraduates
BY MAYOR McCHEESE
HARD AND FEATHERED
A fter last week’s news
that William and Mary
accidentally sent acceptance
emails to 350 waitlisted students,
another email-related scandal has
broken this week. Tuesday night,
400 undergraduate students at the
College were accidentally sent
nude photographs of the Griffin,
shocking and horrifying many.
The email, which came from
the Office of Undergraduate
Admissions, contained five high-
resolution JPEGs of the Griffin,
genitalia fully exposed as he looked
lasciviously at the camera. When
asked why they had these photos in
the first place, admissions did not
have a clear answer.
“We have a lot of photos,”
Christian Burnett, Assistant Dean
of Admission, said. “Lots of photos.
Sometimes they get sent out. Listen,
it happens. Oh, you’re asking why
we have nude photographs of the
Griffin? Uh. I’ll tell you. We uh.
Well. Listen, we have lots of photos.
It’s not really important why we -
you know. It’s just photos, right?”
Despite obscure motives,
the nature of the photographs
themselves disturbed and upset
many students.
“He was fully erect,” Candice
LaPew ‘23 said. “I don’t even know
how to describe it to you. He was
looking directly at the camera, too,
like he knew we would see his
supple, feathery body. I can’t stop
thinking about it.”
Since the photo leak, the Griffin
has not appeared at any William
and Mary events, prompting some
to question where he went.
“I don’t want him to feel bad, I
mean, he has a good body,” John
Rogner ‘23, President of the William
and Mary Furries Club, said. “We
already knew he was well-endowed
from the statue, but seeing it in high
definition was really something.”
Taylor Reveley III, former
President of William and Mary
and namesake for Reveley the
Griffin, declined to comment on
the situation when asked. However,
Squat reporters can confirm that
President Reveley was included
on the email exchange, and replied
with a single word: “nice.”
AGENDA SETTING The Botetourt Squat § April 20, 2021 § PAGE 2

Are these people on my screen during class real, or only for my amusement?
BY STEVE THE WARRIOR
WILSON!
I n this room, effectively
a dark cubicle in the
headspace of my daily
experiences, I wake up
each morning and log onto
my William and Mary
Blackboard account. The
Duo notification noise
pierces the silence from
having no human contact
for the past twenty-two
and a half hours as I press
the Zoom link to my one
synchronous class.
A certain wretched
eminence comes from
the sad, tepid faces of the
students who take the risk of
having their camera on before
the professor arrives. It is as
if I have emerged from the
lonely, solitary life I lived,
devoid of any radiance save
for this computer monitor,
and been immediately
crushed down again by an
impenetrable smog. As I
suffocate, the actor playing
the role of professor arrives
at precisely the recorded
time, and without any
discussion of his day, the
weather, or any such thing
that might connect me to the
outside world, he begins his
recitation.
Centuries pass as I sit
exhausted, the lapses in my
breath bringing attention
to the minute-long silences
that follow each question
the professor asks. I must
wonder if any of these
students are really there,
as forty stagnant objects,
a mix of profile pictures
and simple names, glare
wistfully at the three still
cameras that are on. These
forty objects are surely only
there for some sort of bare,
cruel amusement for those
living in the caves, like mine,
which see only one burst of
activity each month when
the fire alarm rings its tone.
I suspect that it is supposed
to be humorous when one
of these forty static images
accidentally turns into a
real, living person for a brief
moment. Is it something
like a circus show, when
the professor abraids one
of these students by calling
their name, only to insult
their intelligence when they
answer some unintelligible
question incorrectly?
“You weren’t even paying
attention, were you?” Every
single time. And no, I am
not paying attention. These
figments of the college’s
imagination are not either.
It makes me wonder if all
of these individuals are just
being played as a puppet-
like show that I am paying
$45,000 a year for. I think
that I am now a piece of this
production. I have not had
an original thought since I
was fifteen years old. I am
given hundred-part puzzles
that primarily involve the
piecing together of the
intent of the puzzle-maker,
a complete stranger, to
complete during every hour
of every day. Nothing about
this is amusing me. I ask
for the ringleader, whoever
they might be, to give me
my money back, before all
of my limbs atrophy from
submissively gazing at this
screen for twenty hours each
day.

Report: White People are Cringe

The Botetourt Squat BY YNG PEEPEEPOOPOOCLATT
proved that he was trapped in

A fter many moons of did do slavery, the Sprinkler Alaska and did not fuck with it.
research, I have come to goes unreasonably hard, and MFs were just cold and racist up
‘Casus sunt, notabile est’ Sharp White Cheddar Cheez-
the conclusion that you cannot there. After that proof, I dropped
Zoom University name ten unproblematic famous It Grooves™ hit different. Dolly Parton and Thom Yorke
College of William and Mary, Williamsburg, VA. 23185
white people. I thought it The first two names came out on the list. Parton increased
Contact Us: botetourtsquat@email.wm.edu quickly: Bob Ross and Mr.
would be easy when, during a childhood literacy. Yorke did Kid
Discord call, someone asked Rogers. Rogers had nothing A. If you nail the abject human
that fateful question. How naive. anybody could take issue with, suffering of “Motion Picture
Current Staff Tristan Robinson While I thought there would be and while someone did counter Soundtrack,” you’re forgiven for
Rebecca Klinger Alex Luck some difficulty, it didn’t seem with Ross’s military service, any transgression, of which he
Noah Broude Abby Mendez impossible. While white people external evidence promptly has none. Yet.
Matthew Reid Will Florentino
Jamie Godfrey
Hallie Feinman
Claire Hogan
The Honored Dead
Hallie Feinman THOTS ON LIFE
John Riegner
Ezzie Seigel
Julia Wicks
Anna Simpson
W&M’s Premiere Sex and Lifestyle Column
Kofi Asenso
Moss Slack
Jonah Abraham
Tommy Blackwell
What do you think about Pass/Fail?
Bepsi Mark Hutchens
Halle Boynton Zach Rubin
Trent Pilcher Andy Goodstein
Callie Booth Charles Gowan
Lace Grant Zack Quaratella
Aidan O’Halloran Rigel Kaufman

Layout by a whole bunch of loser virgins

Disclaimer: This is a satirical publication and
should be read as such. Not intended to be read
by anyone under 18, Student Affairs, Deborah
Cheesebro, or people who don’t understand The only thing I know about yes pls <3 Yeah, pass me that
satire. Any non-public figures represented passing is gas. PASTA (thanks)
here are either fictional or represeted with
their express consent. Please don’t sue us. We
don’t have money. We don’t have anything.
 The Botetourt Squat April 20, 2021 PAGE 3

Despite COVID restrictions, underground deathmatches will continue

BY JOE BUSÉ before. which was restricted to w&m When asked about his thoughts
For the uninitiated, in students and faculty. The fighters on the restrictions, current
EPIC WIN! themselves are likewise required heavyweight championship
September of 2020, the Tribe

W Tussles were started in Kaplan
hile some of the restrictions
put in place to slow the
spread of COVID-19 have been
tightened since the end of fall
semester, certain activities will
be able to continue unimpeded.
One of these activities is
the increasingly popular
deathmatches that took the
campus by storm last semester,
which will have to make some
minor adjustments but will
otherwise be able to continue in
much the same way as they did
Arena, as an effort to provide
entertainment and a form of
community to students during
quarantine. Since the beginning,
masks have been required
during the course of the fight,
and in-person spectators have
been greatly limited in number
and required to distance and
wear masks. The fights quickly
became wildly popular, and the
fights regularly drew thousands
of viewers on the official website,
to be members of the student
body.
In an interview about the
changes to the COVID-19 safety
guidelines, President Rowe
clarified that while Tribe Tussles
will no longer have in-person
spectators, they will otherwise
continue without any major
changes to the programming
itself. Fighters will now be
subject to quarantine in the
complex system of tunnels
underneath Kaplan and will
be tested for the coronavirus
once a day. In addition, current
middleweight champion Thad
Jeffries will be required to cease
his favorite victory celebration of
bathing in his opponent’s blood
after the fight.
In an exclusive interview with
the Squat, Mr. Jeffries commented
on the new restrictions. “I’m
not thrilled about having to find
a new celebration, although I
do understand the reasoning
for it. Honestly as long as I can
keep killing people in these
deathmatches, I’m fine with
whatever.”
Georg Müller simply screamed
and punched several holes in the
walls, floor, and a nearby table,
a clear sign of how controversial
the restrictions have been among
fighters.
While criticism of the Tussles
as being “barbaric” and “not
belonging in the 17th century, let
alone the 21st,” has continued,
the overwhelming majority of
the community has celebrated
the announcement, with some
students saying the Tussles are
“the only thing that brought me
any joy last semester” and “the
greatest thing since those liberal
snowflakes outlawed duels in the
1800s.”
So while we are sure to see more
criticism of the deathmatches,
it seems that, at the moment at
least, the fights will continue
with enthusiastic support from
the majority of the community.
Personally, I welcome the
announcement that the fights will
continue, and look forward to
seeing the performances to come.

Botetourt Squat Sends Anti Free Speech Death Squads to Rival Publications
BY PREMIER SQUATMAN
YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS
Mary. We carefully control all in and that everyone on campus stays as safe

F eb 9, Squat-Kremlin: The
People’s Republic of Squat
announced late last night that it is
sending out Counter-Unhelpful
Media (CUM) Squads to rival
publications on campus in a bid to
maintain media hegemony after the
release of the Wren Journal. These
heavily armed CUM Squads are
being set out at press time to the
offices of the Flat Hat and Flat Hat
Magazine, Rocket Magazine, the
DoG Street Journal, and the Wren
Journal.
The PRS’ Public Information
Safety Supervisor (PISS) gave a
press conference late last night: “We
at the Botetourt Squat fully condemn
the so-called ‘Free Speech’ efforts of
the Wren Journal. We have worked
diligently over the ten years of our
glorious existence to maintain peace
and safety here at William and
outgoing media to ensure compliance
to our Safety Protocols, being careful
to ruthlessly silence any dissenting
as possible. And that safety happens
to come in the form of the Squat
dominating the on campus media
voices. If we need to use force to publications.”
maintain safety on campus, then so
be it. The Botetourt Squat is fully
committed to using any and all means
necessary to regain control of campus
media after the Wren Journal’s brazen
display of free speech.”
We were also given the opportunity
to interview a CUM Squad’s Presiding
Officer of Overt Power (POOP), who
has asked to remain anonymous. The
unnamed POOP seemed proud of the
PRS’ efforts: “Yeah, I know some
people on campus think that we’re
‘oppressing them’ or ‘preventing them
from using their First Amendment
rights’ or ‘silencing conservatives,’
but that’s flat out wrong,” he said,
putting on his riot gear. “All the
CUM Squads are doing is ensuring
VARIETY
Katherine Rowe steps down, new President causes controversy
The Botetourt Squat § April 20, 2021 § PAGE 4

BY SOULLESS GINGER
institute a new required class for graduation
PUSSY. called the “Fundamentals of Napping.” Lyra

O n Thursday, March 25th, Katherine

Rowe, President of the College
of William and Mary, announced her
resignation. She claimed that the “toxic
cancel culture” from one of the College’s
most popular Facebook groups, “Swampy
Memes for Twampy Teens”, was getting
too stressful to handle. At the same time
of her resignation, the Board of Visitors of
the College released a statement saying that
Rowe’s replacement would be her cat, Lyra
Rowe.
Rowe has often been the subject of many
posts in Swampy Memes, but more recently
she has come under fire in the Facebook
group over claims that she is not “based.”
Additionally, some students and faculty have
started to raise concerns about Rowe starting
to advertise for multi-level marketing
schemes in her college-wide emails.
“I never expected the email from
Katherine Rowe last week to end with her
telling me that I needed to join Mary Kay in
order to become the best girlboss possible,”
exclaimed Jennifer Baker ‘22. This came
after her March 13th email in which she
infamously included an ad at the bottom of
her email with a headline reading “Do you
want to be a certified girlboss?! Join Mary
Kay and become your own boss today!”
There is also speculation that the BOV asked
her to resign after sending out this email.
As stated above, Lyra Rowe, the former
President Rowe’s cat, will now become
President of William and Mary. Lyra will
be the second female president and first
non-human to take on the ultimate role of
the college. Lyra doesn’t have a degree, but
has received a “Good Girl” certificate from
PetSmart, which makes her one of the most
qualified presidents in the history of the
College.
When asked about her plans for the future,
Lyra said “Meow meow meow meow meow
meow meow meow meow meow meow
meow meow meow meow meow meow
meow meow meow meow.”
Lyra also released a statement of her
own, in English, which outlined some of
the changes she hopes to see implemented
during her tenure in office. She wants to
naps for most of the day and believes that this
class would do more good than the stress-
inducing Spring Break “Wellness” days that
her predecessor installed. Lyra also hopes
to make the dining hall food even more
inedible by adding catnip to everything that
Soxedo serves on campus.
Student reactions to the new President
have been overwhelmingly positive.
Ricky Bobby ‘23 was excited for the new
leadership, saying “Yeah, I mean I love
cats. They don’t understand English so they
don’t know what I’m saying. I’m excited to
see what I can get away with now that the
President doesn’t speak English.”
Plans have also been released to renovate
the President’s house to be more accessible
to the feline president. There are currently
plans in the works to replace all of the toilets
with litter boxes, add cat trees and cat beds
in every room, and fully stock the fridge
with tuna. Additionally, a new dining table
has been commissioned for the home, which
is shorter and has special places to put cat
bowls.
Lyra will officially become President
during next year’s Charter Ceremony, but
has already become the acting President and
will move into the President’s house once
renovations are completed.

All In for GameStop: Tribe Athletics sinks entire budget into r/WallStreetBets risky stocks
BY MAYOR McCHEESE dollars, prompting immediate teams have had to drastically
“Listen, it seemed like a
ATHLETICS BACK ON THEIR SHIT good idea at the time,” Jeremy action. College President reduce their budget.

A few weeks after announcing
their 55-million-dollar
campaign, “All In,” Tribe
Athletics announced Monday
that they had lost all of their
money by day-trading stocks
they found on the popular
subreddit r/WallStreetBets.
Press Replay with Becca K.
I have stopped listening to music,
only Podcasts. Don’t talk to me if you
don’t get your daily dose of faceless
people whispering sweet nothings in
your ear. It was nice knowing y’all, I’m
going to go start my own Podcast now
and become famous. Honey is a free
browser extension that automatically
applies coupons when you shop online.
If you want to install it just go to
joinhoney.com/Squat
Becca K. is a Movie major whose
personality is defined by her Spotify
playlists, Crocs, and White Cheddar
Cheez-It Grooves. One time, Smash Mouth
sent her free merch.
P. Martin, Interim Athletics
Director, said. “I mean we put
tons of money into football and
they never f***ing win anyway,
so I figured it’d be fine.”
It was not fine. After the
market closed on Monday,
Martin was down 100 million
Katherine Rowe took a 1% pay
cut -- approximately $5,000 --
as a sign of good faith.
“It’s the least I can do,” Rowe
said in a press conference
Monday night. “No, really, it’s
literally the least I can do. The
BOV says I have to cut my
paycheck, and they won’t let
me give less than 1%. Damn
them, I wanted another Tesla.”
Some students, however,
are disheartened to hear that
money is being mismanaged.
“I mean, I knew something
was up when I saw the
football team looking under
the bleachers for spare coins,”
Jamie DogButt ‘22, perpetually
disappointed Tribe Athletics
fan, said. “But then they sent
us a screenshot of the Tribe
Athletics Robinhood portfolio.
Yikes. Don’t they know about
mutual funds?”
In response to the dramatic
loss of capital, some athletics
Gymnastics, previously
threatened to be cut entirely,
is surprisingly still operating,
although with a few caveats.
“We used to use the
gymnastics room in Kaplan,”
Daisy Widdershins ‘24, Tribe
gymnast, explained. “But now
we just practice in the empty
wasteland next to PBK. It’s
not ideal, but the ground is
pretty squishy, so it’s good for
tumbling.”
Rumor has it that other
teams have also had to cut
back: basketball has started
practicing on the Small Hall
rooftop, and swimming has
been routinely using the Crim
Dell to swim laps. Other teams,
however, remain untouched.
“We will never cut funding
from football,” Martin said. “It
will never ever happen. Never.
NEVER. Do you understand
me? Stop asking! Get out of
my office!”
 The Botetourt Squat April 20, 2021 PAGE 5

Book Review: Milk and Ivory: A Comprehensive Guide and Ailment for Loneliness
BY SCOTT A. OGHE
Bov nicknamed “the tower”), by his lower-class peers during cannot find happiness while
POETRY AND PROSE BY ROY G. BOV speaks to his struggle as a lactose college and early in his career as being berated for what he sees as

I solation within isolation. Amid
the events of the past year,
the strain of being a character in
one’s own story - especially when
the story has no happy ending in
sight - has proved, for many, to be
unbearable. What choice does one
have but to implode in on oneself?
This innovatively debilitating
kind of pain, because of which
one has no choice but to divorce
oneself from one’s life in order to
cope, afflicts all manner of people
from all walks of life. However,
despite this universality, the
depths of grief to many remain
ineffable.
Milk and Ivory, the stunning
debut from William & Mary
administrator Roy G. Bov, seems
to finally have effed it. In the
tradition of such lyricists as Rupi
Kaur and Clive Cussler, Bov has
brought to life on paper, with heart
and ambition, the sadness that so
many of us are gutted by, yet unable
to speak of. The title, a reference
to Bov’s childhood in middle-
class suburban Connecticut
where his father kept trophies of
ivory in the family home (which
intolerant white kid. Milk was the
bane of his existence, his father’s
elephant heads his only friend.
This friend and foe dichotomy
appears in several of the earliest
poems in the collection, which
document his younger years with
a lyrical gravity reminiscent of
Emil Cioran or John Green. In
“The Bluest Sky,” Bov twists and
twirls through a poetic retelling
of Kafka’s The Trial, except he
inserts himself as K and the cops
immediately tell him that he’s on
trial for having a bit of weed and
will probably be let off no sweat.
It’s a very brief poem, but it sets
the stage for a gritty narrative
pitting Bov (aided solely and
sparsely by the cops, his parents’
money, and the faculty and staff of
Philips Exeter) against the world.
In part 2, entitled “The Long,
Slow Death that is Yale,” Bov’s
verse turns short, dissonant, and
less decipherable than in part 1.
The poems “Commie Thugs”
and “I’m Middle Fucking Class”
succinctly yet heartbreakingly
detail the internal anguish of
being ostracized and mistreated
a law-enforcement malpractice
attorney. Though meaningless
tangents and nonsensical phrases
litter the pages, there remains
traces of Bov’s will to life, his
clawing at the walls of the abyss
to earn what is rightfully his: lots
and lots of money.
Gradually, in part 3, the pieces
increase in length and skyrocket
in comprehensibility. They also,
however, turn from angry and
assured to aimless and effete. In
middle age, the period Bov dubs
“the cruel April of my life,” he
is appointed to an administrative
position at the College of William
& Mary, where his family has
seven generations of legacy. The
part is the shortest of the three in
Milk and Ivory, but it is by far the
densest and most defeating. Bov
also puts on his display his unique
talent for utterly smashing his
reader over the head with sadness.
As if wielding a refrigerator
containing several pounds of
beluga caviar, Bov brings the
weight of the world upon us as
he felt it upon him. Though his
pockets are well-padded, Bov
perfectly sound policy decisions.
In “Call and Response,” Bov
details his battle against the
world. When he urges the Board
of Visitors not to allow students
to desecrate the holy names of
the school’s forefathers, he is met
not with praise for saving saints,
but with ridicule and anger. When
he declines to allow students to
take classes pass/fail during the
pandemic in order to make it on
their own like he did, they get
mad and make him really sad.
Milk and Ivory does not end on a
happy note, it’s promised ailment
to loneliness nowhere to be found.
It’s a startling conclusion, the idea
that one man’s battle against the
forces could end in such stunning
defeat, or at least on the precipice
of it. His collection serves as
a reminder of our collective,
defatigable humanity. Though the
collection is entirely about him,
his last piece calls to the reader
to take his words into account in
their own lives. He offers his hand
to us, his empathy abounding like
that of St. Teresa, so that we may
not be so alone in our anguish.

MEET THE GRIFFIN!

Toil. Toil and rot in your sin and indulgence, the filth of a guilty
conscious, wrought by the egos of rotten minds. You who bast in your
own intelligence and wit, those worthy of praise. You who are prouder
than the masses, who deserve your title and role. After all, you earned
it. Turn your gaze upon those wretched ants who crawl and stumble
at their institutes of learning, the ones so below your heel, who will
never earn their place in this world…and when they succeed, turn
your scorn and hatred and spite in the face of what was stolen so
unjustly, achievements for you and you alone. The thieves who dare
touch what belongs to us. Turn your gaze upon their suffering in the
face of inevitable failure and smile.

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SPECIAL REPORTS The Botetourt Squat § April 20, 2021 § PAGE 5
A Conversation with Information Technology: Its Just a Prank, Bro
BY CUM P. YOOTER
(GONE WRONG) (GONE SEXUAL)
I t’s no secret that the IT department at
William and Mary is severely underfunded.
This underfunding is evident in the spotty
internet connection around campus, constant
banner crashes, and the fact that they are not
a sport organization or a member of upper
administration. But recently, the problem
has become ridiculous. With the consistent
and catastrophic failures of registration in
the past week, there has to be an additional
explanation for these shortcomings. Being the
good journalists that we are, we decided to
conduct an interview with a member of staff
who wished to remain anonymous.
Botetourt Squat: So we’re here with a
member of the IT department and just to get
us started, we’d like to ask what you all are
doing to help improve the IT services at the
school? You’ve got yourself quite the bad rep
around campus.
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Tidbits with Barrett Smith
If you ever find yourself in a
situation that would require a can of
beans, start a farm. You need beans,
don’t you? If you ever find yourself
in a house that doesn’t have AC,
you’d better start blowing, wouldn’t
you? This is why Communism
can’t work.
Barrett Smith is a Radio Kid and
Philosophy Major, which makes it
seem like they would be unbearable to
be around, and that would be correct.
Information Technology: Oh nothing. We’re Kinks would be inappropriate to indulge in at
doing nothing at all. the workplace. We’ve had this discussion with
HR, it’s simply a little harmless prank.
BS: Wait, nothing? You’re not trying to
improve it? BS: One that you get off to though.
IT: Well yeah, it’d kind of take the fun out of IT: Well I mean that’s one way of putting it.
it, y’know? Anything you enjoy, like these harmless little
pranks, can be something you can get off to.
BS: Fun? Which part is the fun part? The fact
that stuff consistently doesn’t work? BS: Ok, well do you enjoy playing with your
dog?
IT: Oh yeah. We love it when we mess up.
The public outrage, people screaming our At this point the internet connection got a little
name in anger. The works! Getting hundreds spotty, as we were conducting this interview
of angry emails is my personal favorite part. over zoom due to an unrelated incident, but
It’s hilarious! we heard a little moaning come through the
choppy connection. While the interview got
BS: Uh huh. This sounds like a kink thing. a little off topic near the end, I suppose we
can say that the constant IT problems are just
IT: For fucks’ sake, it’s NOT a kink thing! a prank bro and, in fact, the camera is right
there.
Happy 4/20, nerds
Cancel Culture is Real: I’ve Been Arrested
BY ORANGE P. JUICIUS
for Murdering my Wife IF THE GLOVE SHITS
W hen I was growing up, America
was America. It was the Land of
the Free, where a man could say and do
them “problematic.” It’s downright ter-
rible is what it is. And sometimes they’ll
find tweets I posted to my personal Twit-
what he pleased without radical leftists
breathing down his neck, talking about
ter account, saying I murdered my wife
with an axe, chopped her body up, and
how he was “being exclusionary” or how buried her in the ditch out back by my
he “literally murdered his wife.” garage! That was personal information
I shared to my friends, and these leftists
I used to be able to joke around with
have no right to share that with the world
my pals in the locker room, talking about
out of context.
which hot chicks we saw that day. We
weren’t afraid of offending each other, The Cancel Police is getting out of
cause we were real men, and real men control— it’s literally like 1984, a novel
don’t get offended. We could joke around, written by known Democratic Socialist
and everyone would know that it was a and Antifascist George Orwell! Today,
joke. And if one of us came clean about these radical leftists barged down my
finally taking an axe to our wife, no one door, saying something about how they
would rat him out. had “concrete evidence” that I murdered
my wife after she maxed out our credit
I have a Twitter too (@mariticide), and
card one too many times. Right now I’m
let me tell you, Cancel Culture is a cancer
writing this from some liberal snowflake
on that website. People will dig up years
safe space they’re calling prison. So
old tweets that were obviously jokes and
much for the tolerant left.
talk about whoever posted them, calling
OPINION FACT
Park Upon the Gale
BY MAYOR McCHEESE
HEART-POUDING PARKING ADVENTURES
B ill Horacio III grumbled as he slapped a
ticket on the car windshield. Life as the
Director of Parking Services for William &
Mary was always tough, but these days, it
just seemed to be getting tougher. He moved
to the next car, inspecting the parking pass
behind the windshield with the discerning
eye of a parking marksman, his fingers flying
to the scanner in his hands as he checked
the license plate. He scoffed when the result
came back - at least THIS student hadn’t
parked illegally.
It was well past midnight, yet Bill kept
prowling down the line of cars, diligently
scanning license plates and writing citations.
He was in his element, enacting the rigid
enforcement that students and staff had come
to expect from Parking Services. He had a
certain reputation to uphold, and besides,
if he wasn’t out enforcing the parking
ordinances at all hours of the day and night,
the College’s parking would descend into
utter chaos.
“Mayhem, I tell you,” Bill grumbled to
himself, tearing off the fourth ticket in a row
and slapping it on yet another windshield.
“These kids don’t understand the parking
LAWS!” Bill understood them, of course,
as he’d written most of them himself. Yet
despite his domineering attitude towards
parking enforcement, there were still those
in his department who doubted his methods.
He’d built the department from the ground
up, turning the once-wimpy Parking Services
into the pinnacle of civic responsibility it
was today, and yet some of his colleagues
still doubted his abilities.
Bill reached the end of the line of vehicles
and paused, looking out over the parking lot.
The rows of cars lay illuminated by the dim,
orange light of the street lamps. Each car
had been personally checked by Bill, and
he let himself smile softly as he surveyed
his hard work. His hand went to his breast
pocket, where he carried a small copy of the
College’s Parking Regulations Handbook.
It was always by his side, because he
never knew when he would need it, and he
caressed it gently. Satisfied with the state of
parking enforcement for the evening, Bill
sidled back to where he himself was parked.
He stepped into his vehicle and turned the
key. A tiny light appeared on the dashboard
and he slammed his foot down on the
accelerator as the engine roared to life.
Well… sputtered. Bill’s ride was a 2007
four passenger electric golf cart, which he
had named “Bertha.” Bertha had seen better
days, but Bill knew how to work her just
right. He patted the dashboard as he puttered
out of the parking lot, traveling at 15 miles
per hour, Bertha’s top speed these days.
Parking Services had bought Bertha just a
The Botetourt Squat § April 20, 2021 § PAGE 7
year after they hired Bill, and soon Bill and
Bertha had become fast friends.
Bertha cruised away from the parking
lot and jolted onto the brick pathways near
Jones Hall. Her engine started to whine, and
Bill briskly smacked the steering wheel,
making the noise stop. Bertha had a few
quirks, but Bill knew her inside and out.
There were some in his department who
wanted to get rid of Bertha, perhaps replace
her with a new model. But Bill always said
no: Bertha was good enough for him.
Bill was about to turn towards the Parking
Services offices when he saw something
out of the corner of his eye. Abruptly
swinging the steering wheel in the opposite
direction, he trundled toward what he
had seen. He grinned triumphantly: as he
thought, there was a van parked illegally
outside the Muscarelle Museum. Whistling
to himself, Bill hopped out of the golf
cart and approached the van. It was dark
blue, the paint peeling in places, and most
importantly, there wasn’t a parking decal in
sight. Bill chuckled, almost giddy with the
thrill of the hunt as he scanned the license
plate and wrote a ticket.
He was just lifting one of the front
windshield wipers to pin the ticket in place
when he noticed something odd. On the
dashboard, there was a printed parking
pass for the Prince George’s lot. Bill’s
brow furrowed as he thought about the
people who ran the Prince George’s parking
facility, one of the main competitors to
William & Mary’s Parking Services. Those
lousy creeps were always undercutting
Bill’s prices and offering enticing deals to
students. They simply had no respect for the
tenets of Parking Law. But why would this
van, parked outside the Muscarelle in the
middle of the night, have a parking pass for
Prince George’s?
After a moment’s consideration, he
shrugged, trudging away from the van and
back to Bertha’s warm embrace. As he
cruised back to his office, he didn’t give a
second thought to the dark blue van, sitting
silently outside the art museum.
When Bill came into the office the next
day, it was quieter than normal, the usual
hustle and bustle of complaining students
replaced with a deadened silence. As he
passed the desk of his colleague, the mild-
mannered Steven Gregory, he glanced
around before asking in a low voice, “Is
everything ok today?”
Steven, a relatively new hire in the
department, still tended to jump when Bill
spoke to him. But when he looked up, there
was a gleam in his eye.
“There was a robbery,” Steven said with
obvious excitement.
“A robbery? Where?” Bill asked,
flabbergasted. He’d seen crimes before, sure
- you see your fair share of criminal activity
when working for Parking Services - but
nothing like this.
“At the Muscarelle! Apparently a bunch of
expensive paintings were stolen last night,”
Steven replied, wide-eyed.
“The… Muscarelle?” Bill asked, his heart
beating faster.
“Yeah, a bunch of guys in an unmarked van,
apparently. It’s actually pretty interesting -
you see, they took the-” Bill dashed away
from Steven’s desk before he could finish his
sentence. This crime happened last night?
When Bill was out on his rounds?
He dashed into his office, heart racing, and
just then, his phone began to ring. He picked
it up, hands trembling, and answered in a
quavering voice, “Bill Horacio III, Parking
and Transportation Director, how can I help
you?”
The voice on the other end of the line was
gruff, and Bill’s heart sank as he heard the
words, “This is Chief Cheesebro from the
William & Mary Police Department. We’d
like to ask you a few questions.”
TO BE CONTINUED...
¿SP
SPÖÖRT AND REVIÜ?
William and Mary Changes Mascot from Griffin to Dollar Sign to
BY GENDERQUEER ANARCHIST
Reflect Their Student Vision
YALL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
The student body’s reactions to
the absolute dogshit decisions of the
William and Mary administration
in the past year, from closing the
ISC after hours to not extending
the past semester’s generous pass/
fail into the spring, have resulted in
a problem for the administration.
The student body actually views
themselves as relevant to decision
making, and, more dangerously,
they have a powerful voice on
campus.
In a new effort to dehumanize
students further and to teach them
their place, William and Mary
Athletics has happily announced
that moving forward into Fall
2021, the university mascot would
be changing from the Griffin to the
“Dollar Signs.”
This move has been endorsed
by President Katherine Rowe and
Athletics Department Interim
Director Jeremy P. Martin, who
have already invested “probably
millions” of our student body’s
hard-earned or daddy-given tuition
money into the mascot rebranding
efforts.
Set Fire to the Wren
BY A[CRIM]DELE
DON’T BE SHY, SING IT.
I let them fall, my grades
And as they fell, you rose to claim them
It was dark, and I was over
Until you gave us grace and you saved me
My words, they were strong
But your ears were far too weak
Can’t stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet
But there’s a side to you
That I never knew, never knew
All the things you’d say
They were never true, never true
And the e-mails sent
You would always get more money
But I set fire to the wren
Watched it fall as I rubbed the balls (of the
griffin)
Well, it burned while I cried
‘Cause I heard it screaming out pass/fail,
pass/fail!
In swem with you
I can stay there
Close my eyes
Feel the fear forever
You and me together
Nothing is better
‘Cause there’s a side to you
That I never knew, never knew
All the things you’d say
They were never true, never true
And the e-mails sent
The Botetourt Squat § April 20, 2021 § PAGE 8
There are mixed opinions
within the Athletics Department,
especially since it has also been
announced that every sport except
for the Women Lightweight
Crew Team has been suspended
to fund the fruitful endeavors of
the rebranding mission. Chad
McJones, football player and
wanna-be business major, stated
that “while I am glad to see my
daddy’s money represented, it’s
kinda cringe that they canceled the
football season.”
University swimmer Stacy
Swimson shared a similar
sentiment. “Coooome on! I already
rallied the entire school to donate
more money to us than our starving
and underprivileged workers and
now you’re telling me that I’m
just a dollar sign to the university?
Buuuut William and Mary would
never!”
We at the Botetourt Squat concur
that yes, they would. They just
have. Go fuck yourself, Stacy.
You would always get more money
But I set fire to the Wren
Watched it fall as I rubbed the balls (of the
griffin)
Well, it burned while I cried
‘Cause I heard it screaming out pass/fail,
pass/fail!
I set fire to the Wren
I threw diplomas into the flames
When it fell, something died
‘Cause I knew that that was the last time,
the last time!
Sometimes I wake up by the door
New student caught must be waiting for
you
Even now, semester’s almost over
I can’t help myself from looking for you
I set fire to the Wren
Watched it fall as I rubbed the balls (of the
Wanna join the
Squat? It’s easy!
griffin)
Well, it burned while I cried
‘Cause I heard it screaming out pass/fail, Join our Facebook
pass/fail group “Botetourt
I set fire to the Wren Squat Secret HQ,”
I threw diplomas into the flames
When it fell, something died
from there you can
find Zoom and group chat info. If
‘Cause I knew that that was the last time,
the last time, oh!
you want to contact us, or submit an
Oh, no article, write to
Let it burn, oh
Let it burn botetourtsquat@email.wm.edu.