BREAK YOUR HOUSING CONTRACT

The Botetourt S q ua t
@botetourtsquat
Vol. 12, Issue 6 ‘Is It News? Probably.’ March 8, 2022

ResLife Cites ‘Benadryl Gnomes’ in Recent Address

Botetourt Beat
I Rule With an Iron Fist BY THE HAT MAN
TAKE YOUR NORMAL PILLS

₰ New mask mandate elaborate psyop to weed
out assholes on campus
₰ 100 Gecs fans to be summarily executed
₰ Gloved Hands Club in fierce competition
with Barefoot Club
₰ Zable Stadium to close after the Peck of ‘87
₰ Sadler West Expansion being built unusually
quickly- amphetamines probably involved
₰ Business & Data Science professor spends
whole class discussing Bored Ape NFT
₰ Business School to finally install new jungle
gym after years of complaints
₰ Dean of Admissions resigns; cites Rowe’s
“Joker-like behavior”
₰ NoVA kids unionize
₰ What The FUck is going on
₰ Katherine Rowe strips the copper wiring
from her walls to fund her glue habit
₰ The EIC is dead, long live the EIC
₰ Joseph Stalin died 69 years ago. That’s
something, right??
₰ Exclusive investigation (of your mom) (last
night)
₰ Construction workers instructed to be as
inconvenient as possible by admin
₰ Rowe slams Tesla into the Brafferton
W
ILLIAMSBURG — In a
recent email to students
addressing the concerns about the
housing waitlist, Harriet Kandell,
the Director of Housing and
Residence, attempted to explain
the department’s thought process.
“It’s not that we hate you,” the
email began, “it’s just that we don’t
think you deserve to live — in an
on campus building, of course…
I know we said that the waitlist
selection process was random, but
I just went through and picked the come to visit me. They said that able to live in the collapsing ruins
students who had the stupidest denying students housing and then of the building.
faces.” scheduling a housing fair after
all the off-campus housing was The Squat scheduled an
The email went on to cite some already full was an essential part interview with Kandell, but when
statistics about on-campus housing. of the plan to stop the Dark Ones’ interviewing her, she would
“We know you all thought that assault on Earth, so I think our past only tell us that her plans “came
you were guaranteed 4 years of actions have been fully justified.” to her in a dream,” after which
on-campus housing because it she proceeded to throw various
was heavily implied you would Kandell also announced the paperweights and other office
on tours and in advertising and scheduled demolition of OTP. supplies at the reporter until they
on the College’s website, but in “The mold is just too bad, and left.
reality you’re crazy and emotional honestly, I’m too lazy to try to
and should stop talking to your fix it. Plus, explosions are dope.” We at the Squat suggest that any
Current residents of the residence enterprising new landlords out
friends. Last night I took 1300mg
hall have been given 24 hours to there tear out the insulation in
of Benadryl to take the edge off,
and I had a revealing conversation fully vacate their rooms. Students their walls and rent out the extra
with the Benadryl gnomes that often assigned to OTP next year will be space to desperate students.

Noah Broude, Editor-in-Chief of the Botetourt Squat, is Alive

BY THE INDEPENDENT VARIABLE AKA THE REASON AKA YUNG WHORECHATA (FT. GREMLIN AKA THE RATIONAL THINKER AKA WHAT???????)
CAN’T GET RID OF ME THAT EASY
his actions as the work of a madman When reporters checked on his
I n a disappointing twist that has
left many on-campus unmoved,
Noah Dominus Broude, formerly
and his reanimation as “defying mother, father, and older sister, they
god.” were found dead. Please send the
iTunes gift cards you sent through
thought to be deceased, has returned
Student Engagement’s A/V Western Union to us. Thanks, gg xx.
and laid claim to the Editor in Chief
department has lent various
position of the Botetourt Squat. materials, such as JDAM missiles,
Using his knowledge gained from to help hunt Noah and return him
six semesters of studying “history to the grave from whence he came.
and linguistics,” he has forsaken his
Further research shows that Noah
promising career in public history to
did not contract the Ligma variant of
seek out and destroy current editor-
Covid-19 but has instead contracted
in-chief Rebecca Klinger ‘22. the SAWCON variant, causing his
return to the realm of the living.
Staff at the Colonial Williamsburg When asked for comments, the
Foundation Collections Department William & Mary Health Center
and Student Union have condemned replied with “SAWCON?”
AGENDA SETTING
Conservative Arguments Fall Flat When Faced with 10000
The Botetourt Squat § March 8 2022 § PAGE 2

Rotogens of Ionizing Radiation

BY GEIGER COOMER
FALLOUT NEW VEGAS???
C ivil discourse is perhaps
one of the most important
aspects of our democracy.
This country is founded on the
principle of freedom, including
intellectual freedom. People are
free to express and discuss their
values and ideals with each
other as long as this exchange
of ideas is with some sense of
decency.
This concept is often described
as the marketplace of ideas,
where thoughts and ideals
are exchanged and the most
impactful and insightful ones
are shared more frequently. For
the longest time, the mainstream
conservative movement has had
a supposed monopoly in the
marketplace of ideas as they
claim that their ideals have the
have turned. The next time I
hear someone start to go on
about how critical race theory
is a Marxist infringement on
white Americans, I’ll simply
smirk and reach into my back
pocket to pull out a military-
grade chunk of Uranium-235
and watch as their entire debate
melts into a sticky pile on the
sidewalk.
This new weapon in the
intellectual arsenal of
progressive people may
most merit when compared to conservatives have seemed
finally topple the hold that
the other conventional ways of nigh-unbeatable when it
conservative think tanks have
thinking in today’s America. came to debates. There was
had on mainstream debate since
always a new deflection, a
So why, then, do even the most new strawman, a new piece Reagan. Where conservatives
may be able to spout 5 pieces
developed and well thought of misinformation. There was
out conservatives crumple simply no way to convince a of misinformation in the time
it takes you to disprove one,
pathetically as soon as they’re conservative to see something
faced with 10000 rotogens of from a new point of view — now you can simply retort with
an intellectual blast of gamma
ionizing radiation? their ideals were simply too
rays.
unshakable. But now the tides
For the longest time,

The Botetourt Squat

‘Casus sunt, notabile est’
College of William and Mary, Williamsburg, VA. 23185
Contact Us: botetourtsquat@email.wm.edu

Editors Current Staff

Noah Broude, Editor-In-Chief Trent Pilcher
Anu Desai, Managing Editor Abigail Davis
Matthew Reid, Copy Chief Skyler Foley
Jamie Godfrey, Digital Editor Mason Liddell
Emma Williams, Lead Writer Miles Mortimer
Mason Jewell, Lead Writer Alex Luck
Rhys McKee, Digital Assistant Abby Mendez
Cayce Egan, Social Chair Will Florentino
Callie Booth, Village Idiot Lacy McClain
Kofi Aseno, Town Fool Lace Grant
Taylor Liegel
The Honored Dead Kelley Wang
Rebecca Klinger Enya Xiang
Hallie Feinman Jamaica Jones
Julia Wicks Micah Neff-McGready
Anna Simpson
Jonah Abraham
Drew Shao
John Polcyn
THOTS ON LIFE
Tommy Blackwell Elizabeth Brady W&M’s Premiere Sex and Lifestyle Column
Rolyn Trotter Natalie Wexler
Zach Rubin Emma Williams What is the sexiest part of the face?
Andy Goodstein Tristan Robinson
Charles Gowan Matt Lowrie
Zack Quaratella
Rigel Kaufman

Disclaimer: This is a satirical publication and

should be read as such. Not intended to be read
by anyone under 18, Student Affairs, Deborah
Cheesebro, or people who don’t understand
satire. Any non-public figures represented
here are either fictional or represeted with
their express consent. Please don’t sue us. We
don’t have money. We don’t have anything. Earlobe The philtrum
 The Botetourt Squat March 8, 2022 PAGE 3

“Covid is over,” Claims Coughing, Wheezing Amy Sebring

BY DR. FOWCHIE
EAT YOUR HEART OUT GLENN
YOUNGKIN was clearly a popsicle stick
with the word “NO” written on

W ILLIAMSBURG—
Between hacking
coughs and pauses to blow her
nose, Amy Sebring managed
to give an address to William
and Mary’s student body about
the new lax mask mandates on
campus. As the College’s Chief
Operating Officer and Covid-19
Director, Sebring has overseen
Covid policies throughout
the entire pandemic, which
apparently is now over.
“Due to the valiant efforts of our
students and faculty, the William
and Mary administration
has declared the Covid-19
pandemic over. Just don’t
check the Covid Dashboard,”
she added hurriedly. “I also
want to specifically thank the
Greek Life, ROTC, and student
athlete communities. I know
how hard it is to wear masks
correctly, and I appreciate you
all trying your hardest to figure
it out.”
Sebring went on to discuss
the College’s new testing
and quarantine policies. “If
you believe that you are
symptomatic, don’t get tested.
If no one tests positive, no one
has Covid. It’s that easy.” At
this point, Sebring held up what
it in crayon. “As you all can see,
however, I have indeed tested
negative. All the coughing is
just… allergies. Yeah, that’s
it. Allergies.” She continued.
“And if you do somehow test
positive, all we ask is that you
quarantine by trying to stay
away from people near you. We
don’t want to disrupt teaching,
of course, so just go about your
day as normal.”
The Squat reached out to
Sebring to schedule an
interview, but we decided
against it at the last minute to
preserve the health and safety
of our reporters.

Living in Glenn Youngkin’s Walls: My Story

B. ROACH
THERE IS NO MEME

I t has been a year since I escaped, and I

cannot get the smell of mildew out of my
clothes. When I close my eyes, I still see the
movement of perfectly-coiffed silver hair
as it falls into place — a single, gentle curl,
held in its position by exactly twelve drops
of scalp conditioner from Dollar Shave
Club — and I fear that it will never leave
me.

Tireless hours of peering through the slats

of the ceiling vent at the various members
of the Governor’s family are burned into
my mind; though the tangible fruits of
my labor are few, I will take the lessons I
gained from our time together to my grave.
For one, it required an exorbitant amount
of self-control — over the many instances
in which I was forced to reconcile his
actual height with any perception that I had
previously developed prior to knowing him
as I did, I found that I had to resist the urge
to chew sections of skin off of his scalp
whenever his head brushed against the top
of the doorframe.
In the months following my return to
society, I developed a persistent cough
that wracked my body at all hours of the
day. After speaking with my doctor, I
was told that I had developed a severe
case of mesothelioma, quite possibly as a
consequence of continuously inhaling the
carcinogenic potpourri of asbestos and
floral-scented Febreeze that dominated the
Youngkin household. It was a fragrance that
I had grown accustomed to over my stay in
the residence; only now did it become clear
to me that it was not solely the man himself,
but the essence of the very space in which
he existed, rotting me from the inside out.
The glaring lack of financial compensation
only serves to sour my heart further.
With my prognosis appearing grim and
the damage to my lungs irreversible, I was
advised to focus on my quality of life and
mix equal parts of Dayquil and Nyquil in a
shot glass should I have trouble sleeping. As
I sank into the gentle lull, a sudden thought
shook me from my drowsiness — how many
sleepless nights had I lain awake, watching
Glenn go through the motions of this same
routine, putting back this same tincture,
rubbing the exhaustion out of a tired gaze
with no feeling behind it? In my mind’s eye,
I looked to his face, my own and his once
more; from pig to man, and from man to
pig, and from pig to man again: but already
it was impossible to say which was which.
VARIETY
ResLife Mints Dorm Rooms as NFTs
The Botetourt Squat § March 8 2022 § PAGE 4

say “money isn’t even real” should wealth, is it worth screwing

BY GRIFFINAPE
love this stuff! I paid $100,000, or over nearly every rising junior
NFTEEZ NUTS four MonkeyCoin, to buy a portrait and senior student? The obvious
of Marie Antoinette smoking a answer is yes. After all, economic

A
blunt, which was totally worth it. gain over personal safety and
couple of weeks ago, the
That money was supposed to go to wellbeing, along with shoving
benevolent individuals known
my mom’s hospital bills, but this thumbs up our asses are the
as Residence Life sent an email
was definitely the better purchase. administration’s favorite pastimes
revealing the creation of a housing
I’m currently bidding for a room at (ask Glenn Youngkin!)
waitlist, with nearly 600 individuals
William and Mary — Camm 221
on that list. Outrage spread across The fact that the administration is
seems great! I can’t wait to have
campus, many decrying the taking part in a Ponzi scheme is
a 3D scan of it and put my other
uselessness of the department and no surprise to any of us! We at the
NFTs in there.” At this point in the
the misery it creates. What seemed Botetourt Squat are proud to share
interview, she pauses and curses.
like a horrifying, yet expected, act this breaking news with you and
“Damn it! Someone stole my
of complete incompetence by the hope you take this information in
fucking Ape! I’ve gotta beg them
W&M administration is one, in fact, the worst possible way.
to delete it from their phone.”
of clever calculation and economic
risk. My dear readers, Residence Many of us at Squat both praise
Life has minted most on-campus and question this decision by the
dorms as NFTs, with the 100 extra administration. While yes, this
freshmen being the buyers of these endeavor seems interesting and
spaces while living off-campus. a definite bringer of most certain
Now, what are NFTs, you ask? If
you have been living under a rock
(or have not obsessively resided
on Twitter), an NFT, or a non-
fungible token, is basically a digital
receipt for an object that you do
not physically own. If you bought
Beanie Babies or pinky swore to
get your friend a piece of gum in
elementary school and then didn’t,
then you know what we’re talking
about. We reached out to RedAPE.
eth, also known as Candace
Suchsma, a notable NFT enjoyer
and cryptocurrency entrepreneur.
She states, “NFTs are the future of
the economy. I mean, the losers that

Press Replay with Becca K. BEANS erry the latypus ushes enis
Listen to very obscure hyperpop albums BY THE INDEPENDENT VARIABLE AKA THE OCK AKA AKA AKA DEELY
STAN AKA UVUVWEVWEVWE ONYETENVEWVE UGWEMUBWEM OSSAS

Fuck you.
such as Escape Room by Rural Internet.
They will not turn you into a writhing
gremlin that crawls around and eats trash
on the ground. I promise. I am living a
happy and successful life.

BEANS is a English Religious Studies

Biology Physics Data Science Military
Science English Major. You may find
them weeping in the fourth floor of
Article over.
McGlothlin-Street Hall
 The Botetourt Squat March 8,2022 PAGE 5

Disney Sues William and Mary Over Mascot, Old Alternate Dug Up Instead
BY POG 2.0
THE LAWYER WILL SEE YOU NOW the finalists for the last mascot one good luck on an upcoming
change poll were the Griffin, test, so the school decided not

D isney is perhaps one of the

most influential companies
of our time. Their classic movies
a King and Queen, a Wren,
and surprisingly a Pug. The
Pug came in second in the
to mess with these important
assets.

have shaped so many of our poll, and with the lead out of With almost surgical precision,
childhoods, and Disneyland the way, could finally become the balls were removed from
still serves as an escape from the representative of the entire the bronze griffin statue and
the rush of our consumerist school. grafted onto the new pug which
lives to so many people. But, sits proudly outside Zable.
surprisingly, behind the facade As exciting as a change in However, due to an oversight
of whimsical magic, there is mascot may seem, it’s not in the commission of the statue,
something much more sinister without its logistical difficulties.the realistically-sized pug statue
about the megacorporation. Marketing strategies need to was granted the testicles of a
Disney is also infamously be changed, logos redrawn, large mythical creature.
known as being voracious with and most importantly, statues
their buying and enforcement rebuilt. Hopefully the luck granted by
of intellectual property, which rubbing the statue’s members is
is causing waves in the William The iconic Griffin statue proportional to the size of the
and Mary community today. outside Zable Stadium is one of testicles. This new mascot may
the more iconic representatives take some getting used to, but
Unfortunately for the beloved of the Griffin on campus. The we can all sleep easy knowing
William and Mary Griffin, preservation of the meaning that the school is completely
there was once a griffin in the of the statue is crucial, which innocent of intellectual property
background of some Disney meant the preservation of its theft.
movie who appeared on screen for most iconic part - the balls.
about 3 frames. This decisively Many students claim that
means that Disney owns any and rubbing the iconic balls grants
all intellectual property that even
remotely resembles a griffin.
Subsequently, Disney has sent
William and Mary a cease and
desist, offering an ultimatum of
changing the mascot or paying
Disney dues for continued use
of their rightful intellectual
property. Not one to negotiate
with terrorists, William and
Mary chose the former.
Rather than waste time creating
a poll or focus group to come up
with an idea for a new mascot,
the administration went back to
the last time the mascot changed
and chose the runner-up for the
poll in 2010. For the uninitiated,
SPECIAL REPORTS
Students Asked to Return Stolen Bricks to Aid in Sadler Construction
The Botetourt Squat § March 8, 2022 § PAGE 6

BY MEGAN FOX’S UGLY DAUGHTER Resource Coordinators, we are experienc- them from an open pile? They just made steal-
ing a brick shortage, and thus construction ing easier.”
SHE’S A BRICK... HOUSE! on the Sadler Expansion is delayed indefi-
nitely.” Although it does seem that the Sadler Expan-

T he jolly sport of pilfering bricks is a

tried-and-true pastime of many a Wil-
liam and Mary student. Whether someone
has a collection, wants one to paint, or sim-
ply has a particularly strong hunter-gatherer
inestinct, the opportunity to nick a brick is
always an appealing one.
Until recently, the William and Mary admin-
istration has remained quiet on the issue, un-
til an announcement Sunday night brought
the issue to light, not in condemnation, but
in a plea for help.
“This is hardly ideal,” the message reads,
“but it is the hope of the administration that
the opportunity to help your community
will encourage generosity and selflessness
amongst our student body.” The message
continues, saying that “despite the best ef-
forts of Alumni Donors and Construction
In order to remedy this crisis, students are
sion will continue to remain stalled, at last the
administration appears to have finally done
asked to please “return any bricks taken something to make students’ lives easier.
from sidewalks or walkways on campus.”
To aide in this process, Return Stations have
been set up around campus, which are open
drop-bins where students can choose to
leave any bricks they’ve swindled.
However, this initiative has proven to be
less fruitful than hoped, with some students
misinterpreting the purpose of the stacks of
bricks. “It’s like on Halloween when some-
one leaves a bowl of candy on the porch”
remarked a student who wishes to remain
anonymous, who we encountered stacking
returned bricks into her tote bag.
“We literally pry them out of the goddamned
sidewalk” said another opportunist, with a
brick in each hand. “Why wouldn’t we take

Reslife Announces Innovative Solution to Housing Crisis

BY EZEKIEL LOWBROW There has of course been a good deal of
Radcliffe, makes for the perfect
found alternative housing,” the
1V1 ME BRO housing option for any of the pushback on this decision, with some
email read, “which means it’s the

H
students and community members
ead of Residence Life Dana perfect amount for a tournament!” college’s numerous upperclassmen
who cannot currently find housing arguing the decision is “barbaric,”
Anderson-Radcliffe late
“disgusting,” and “violating nearly
Monday sent out an email detailing Reslife recently learned that there in a dorm.
every law, both those made by
how the College will deal with is a 6’ square, 20’ deep “apartment”
governments and laws of nature.” But
the ongoing on-campus housing in the basement of the ISC that Anderson-Radcliffe’s email
went into further detail: “The Reslife is pushing through undeterred,
shortage: a tournament, with only the had previously been occupied by
arguing that “yeah you make a good
strong able to return to campus in the a ghoul that consumed the bodies tournament will be broken into
four blocks: Green, Gold, Tribe, point, but unfortunately L + no
fall. of lost freshmen. However, the
and Griffin, each block consisting housing + ratio.”
lack of in-person classes during the
“Currently, there are exactly 256 pandemic led the ghoul to relocate, of 64 students, who’ll be randomly
The email also explained that the
people on the waitlist for housing, although its exact location has not assigned bracket placements. Once
fights (at least 252, up to 255 in total)
after taking into account those who yet been determined. This empty pit each block has its winners, the
will take place in Kaplan, with the first
have informed us that they have of bones, according to Anderson- winners will discuss the next plan
of action. If they so choose, they four rounds costing $5 per spectator.
can share the pit apartment with The brackets’ semifinals will be $10,
and finals $20. Seats for the first round
Pedagogy with Noah B. each other, or may continue the
tournament: Green v. Gold and of optional final matches between
Tribe v. Griffin, with the winners bracket champions will be $50, and if
of each of those matches being there is a 255th match for the ability to
offered the same deal: share the live in a single, the tickets will go for
“I’ve taken over the Squat. I’m room or fight again. The families $100 apiece. Instead of contributing
coming for your liver next.” of fallen competitors will be given to the families of the losers or the
$20 gift cards to the bookstore.” construction of new housing units, all
proceeds will go towards putting a hot
Noah Broude is a history and tub in the reslife offices.
linguistics major who spends most
of his time telling people what
linguistics actually is.
OPINION FACT The Botetourt Squat § March 8, 2022 § PAGE 7

Botetourt Squat Announces Shift to Printing on Campus Squirrels

BY EVERYTHING DONUT
YUM, SQUIRRELS
T he Botetourt Squat Newspa-
per, starting with the current
issue, will be printed exclusively
on squirrels. If you are read-
ing this article on anything other
than the stomach of a very angry
William and Mary-brand squir-
rel, there is a non-zero possibility
you will spontaneously burst into
flames. Go find a squirrel and try
again.
The move to squirrels comes into
direct conflict with the Botetourt
Squat Constitution, which clearly
states that “all editions of the
Botetourt Squat Newspaper must
and forever shall be printed on
paper pilfered from the home of
the President of the College of
William and Mary, and nothing
else.”
In a press conference early this
morning, Botetourt Squat Edi-
tor-in-Chief Noah Broude ex-
plained his reason for violating
the paper’s Constitution. “I’m
not at all worried about the theft
part,” he said. “I’m trying to
keep our people safe. This year,
we’ve had fifteen members of
Squat go into Kathy’s house to
get some paper. Only two have
come back. Even then, they’re
not the same. They just keep
whispering about… anyway, the
squirrels are the least dangerous
option.”
When asked if it was safe to
leave a crate of live squirrels at
the usual newspaper stands, he
remained resolute. “Oh yeah.
Way less people get bitten than
you’d think. Besides, the Sadler
snakes will take care of them if
they get too out of hand.” When
asked about the possibility of a
digital newspaper, Broude said,
“that’s stupid.” He also made
clear that the squirrels were the
next logical alternative to paper.
“Since all of the toilet paper on
campus is being used as con-
struction supplies now, this is
what we have to work with.”
Indeed, Residence Life’s recent
decision to seize all toilet pa-
per on campus for emergency
paper-mache student housing
has limited the options of many
people. However, Broude still
faces pushback for his unconsti-
tutional actions. A large fac-
tion within the Botetourt Squat
administration is expected to
bring forth a motion of retalia-
tion in the coming days. While
Squat punishments traditionally
take the form of throwing one’s
personal belongings into the
Grim Dell, an inside source tells
us that Broude’s punishment will
be to receive an email from the
post office to pick up a pack-
age every day for the next eight
years.
As you navigate campus, re-
member this survival tip: if you
have to choose between getting
near a William and Mary-brand
squirrel or Katherine Rowe, take
your chances with the squirrel.
The risk of rabies is way lower.
And if you see a figure perpetu-
ally at the back of the mail line,
he’s the one you can blame for
all your squirrel bites.

An Encounter in Center Court: A Kathy Rowe x Reader Fanfiction

FOUND ON ROWE’S COMPUTER as you and Kathy play the quiet that guy? When he lost in Danc-then the two of you decide to
A TRUE ARCHIVE OF OUR OWN game and think of something ing with the Williamsburg Stars I
spread a rumor on YikYak that

Y
the two of you have in common. sent him packing, I can’t be seen
Kanye West is going to be the
ou walk into the front door of
Then it hits you: you could sweet being married to the loser of the
commencement speaker this
the Sadler Center at the Col-
talk Kathy into getting you off of most important dance competi- year. You two love birds then go
lege of William and Mary. Your heart
the housing waitlist. tion in the Hampton Roads area.”
to the Sunken Gardens, where
is racing, palms are sweaty, knees
you play frisbee until the wee
weak, mom’s spaghetti. You are
“Sooooooooo,” you begin. You sigh in relief, happy to know hours of 1 a.m., completely in
meeting none other than W&M Pres-
“Don’t you love living so close it wasn’t anything more serious. silence.
ident Katherine Rowe for a first date.
to all the students in the dorms, “Well don’t you worry, Miss
You slowly walk towards the atrium
huh? Well, I’d love to be one of Kathy,” you say. “I’m taking After your long first date, you
and then you see her, sitting down in
those students you live close to. Introduction to Ballroom Dance walk Kathy back to her house.
a specially tailored red pantsuit: the
If only I wasn’t on the waitlist.” this semester so I’m already bet- At the front door, she gives you
color of fiery, passionate love. She
ter than Bruce will ever be.” a firm handshake and asks if next
stands up and walks to you. You put your head down into time you will take her to Market-
your hands and begin to sob, The two of you continue to talk place for “a more sexy time.”
You say to her, “Hi President Rowe.”
thinking about your current plans for a while, munching on your
to sleep in a hammock in the undercooked french fries, and
“Please call me Kathy,” she says.
Matoaka woods during the next
“You look mighty handsome in that
academic year — so far away
Wordle shirt.”
from your beloved Kathy. She
You blush at her words, and then the looks distressed and begins to tap
two of you head over to the most you on the top of your head.
luxurious dining establishment in
“Well, if these dates keep go-
Williamsburg, VA: Center Court at
ing well, you can just move in
Sadler Center. Kathy decides to be
with me,” Kathy said with a little
generous and swipes you in with her
wink at the end.
unlimited presidential dining plan.
You both get a nutritious dinner
You blush, chug some of your
of waffle fries, ranch dressing, ice
ranch dressing, then ask, “So
cream, and soda water, then settle
what brought you to Tinder? I
down into one of the lumpy, luxuri-
thought you were happily mar-
ous booths in the dining hall.
ried to Bruce?”
Things are silent for a few minutes,
Kathy cackles, then says, “Oh,
¿SP
SPÖÖRT AND REVIÜ? The Botetourt Squat § March 8, 2022 § PAGE 8

“I Lift More with No Mask” Excuse Wears Thin for Local Gymbros
BY CHAD HOMINEM “Yeah it must have, I mean it restricts my tion or performance, maybe these gymbros
DO U EVEN LIFT BRO?? breathing, bro! How am I supposed to hit know something that scientists don’t. Per-

W ith the recent decision from Wil- mad PRs when I can’t even breathe prop- haps it’s the Joe Rogan supplements that
liam and Mary’s administration erly?” also create a higher level of understanding
to lift mask requirements everywhere for these people.
except classrooms, people have begun “But didn’t you work out with your mask
to navigate their comfort with the new around your chin most of the time?” While finishing up our interview with Chet,
freedom. There have been some un- we noticed a gymgoer who was still wearing
expected consequences to this policy Chet refused to answer further, and went their mask. When asked as to why, they sim-
change however, most notably due to back to circlejerking his friends into a ply said “Resistance training” and continued
the lifting of the mask requirements at tub of pre workout to fuel the next pump. their workout.
the rec. Besides the fact that not requir- While the science seems to agree that
ing masks in a den of testosterone and masks offer no reduction to oxygen satura-
overzealous mouthbreathers may, for
some reason, lead to spreading germs,
removal of masks has hit some gym-
bros where it actually hurts - the ego.

“Bro this sucks bro,” laments one Chet

Henderson, “I keep telling the guys that
I can bench 225 when I’m not wearing
a mask. I thought by the time COVID
was gone I actually would be able to. I
guess it must have been the mask.”

“So the mask inhibited your athletic

ability?” Asked a Botetourt Squat Re-
porter.

Tragedy Strikes: Super Hot Girl Making Out

with Troublingly Average Guy
BY MEGAN FOX’S munity rebuilding are being
UGLY DAUGHTER
According to corroborated offered in the McLeod Tyler
I’M A NICE GUY testimonies, at approxi- Wellness Center. Pamphlets

A ll seemed well in the mately 11:47pm, an Actually and infographics including

town of Williamsburg this
past Friday night. The streets
were peppered with roving
packs of students looking for a
good time, a late winter wind
cut through their frackets, and
the streetlamps of William and
Mary stood as stoic specta-
tors to it all. Unfortunately,
this untroubled revere was
short-lived, as in a place where
even the walls seem to sweat,
something horrific and unnatu-
ral took place.
“It was so unexpected” sobbed
a witness who was present at
the scene. “It’s like you see
Adam Sandler movies and you
think that something like that
could never happen here, but
then it does.”
Really Hot Girl (described “The 10-Point Attractiveness
by some as a “like 9 or 10 Scale: What it is and How it
depending on lighting and Can Protect You” and “Did
stuff”) started talking to a You Spend More Time on
guy who looks like he only Your Makeup Than He Did
shops at Old Navy. What in the Shower?” are being
started as asinine and hard- offered, aiming at prevention
to-hear questions about each and education.
other’s majors and current
dorms quickly took a turn “Obviously we would’ve
for the worse. preferred to catch this is-
Wanna join the
sue before it escalated into Squat? It’s easy!
“It’s conflicting because, something like this,” says If you want to
like, we were really happy a representative from the
for him” says an inside school, “but now all we can contact us, or
source close to the perpetra- do is work together as a submit an article,
tor “and as a friend you’re community to create an en- write to
like ‘hell yeah bro!’ but as a vironment where this kind of
human being … it’s rough.” thing doesn’t happen again.” botetourtsquat@email.wm.edu. Or
Following the incident, re- just scan the QR code above. It’ll
sources for healing and com-
help you find our online presence.