IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN

WILLIAMSBURG

The Botetourt Squat @botetourtsquat

Vol. 9, Issue 1 ‘Is It News? Probably.’ October 9, 2019

The Botetourt Squat celebrates its seventh

Botetourt Beat
ARE YOU REGISTERED TO VOTE?
₰ Monster in the Crim Dell takes fifth freshman
life this week
₰ Update: frog.
₰ Construction crew outside Sadler just moving
bricks around
₰ Overheard fraud ring found to be fabricating
Quotes
₰ Goth club interest meeting held at McLeod-Ty-
ler Wellness Center; smoke alarms set off
₰ Not to be one-upped: This year’s Jefferson
Boys caught marinating entire Griffin in Fridge
₰ I Have Learned To End Sentences Early: Thank
Fucking God
₰ English major finds hidden religious messages
in Smash Bros. lineup
₰ Horrible affliction: fedoras make me horny
₰ Drunk friend accidentally outruns Usain Bolt
₰ Absolute lad swipes right on TA “for the meme,”
matches
₰ Sadler Center gets a barber shop; Dining Hall
starts serving meat pies
₰ Local satirical newspaper editor taken in custo-
dy by FBI for overuse of “yeet” puns
₰ Anthropologists discover entire campus was
built on sacred Indian burial grounds
₰ “I’m going to start wearing rings,” says girl
whose ear piercings closed from lack of use
₰ ISC 4 to host LAN parties for the CS depart-
ment
₰ W&M Anime Society publishes “Monster Mu-
sume and the Duality of Womanhood Under Pa-
triarchy” in film journal
₰ Yates residents combine to form superorganism
named Masteryates
₰ Students evacuate campus by booking hotel
room down the street
consecutive year without a website
BY THE DRUNK BRITISH MAN YOU
ONLY SEE IN YOUR DREAMS
IT’S MY PARTY I CAN YEET IF I WANT TO
WILLIAMSBURG, Virginia – On
Thursday, the most cryptic and laud-
ed publication on campus held a press
conference from its cavernous under-
ground lair in Campus Center. The
most surprising revelations were not
about changes to the publication, but
rather what will not change.
The Botetourt Squat announced that
it will continue to abstain from the 21st
century towards the end of the confer-
ence. Editor-In-Chief and Eternal War-
lord Leonard Snart ended his four-hour
Mountain Dew binge to the press a va-
riety of updates about the status of the
organization. After announcing a vari-
ety of changes to the organization and ink for their typewriters.” dum, making a Botetourt Squat website
newspaper such as [REDACTED], According to Sawyer, legend has it - a BotetourtSquat.com of sorts - does
[REDACTED], [WE’LL TELL YOU that the Squat is a continuation of the indeed fall into the category of “That
LATER], and [CHECK MY BIONI- William & Mary Luddite Society, a Gay Shit.” I may not be perfect or even
CLES FOLDER], he finished the con- popular student organization in the good at my job, but even I would not at-
ference by saying, “Thanks for coming 1850s. Pamela McNider, the official tempt to argue with the findings of such
and - oh yeah, we’re still not making a Botetourt Squat Historian and General respectable science. Now, then, you’re
website.” Chronicler, could not comment in time dismissed. I’m going to go light a ci-
Though most present were shocked for press, as she was still rowing herself gar and play some Brockhampton on
by this revelation, Pub Council Execu- back to campus from her home state of my gramophone. Oh, and keep that last
tive Premier-In-Chief General Maggie Florida. part out or you’re fired.”
Sawyer simply rolled her eyes. “Refus- In a more intimate interview, Editor Even without a website, the Squat’s
ing to make a website is a key policy of Snart revealed his own reason for re- future looks bright, as it remains a re-
the Squat,” she said. “They’ve refused fusing to digitize the publication. spected campus institution. Maybe -
website funding every year since their “Over the summer, I represented us just maybe - the Botetourt Squat will
founding in 2011. One time we even at the annual ‘Fellas, is it gay….’ Sym- someday reach an audience beyond
gave it to them freely, since there’s so posium in Gary, Indiana. When I raised tour groups and goofy white dads.
much demand for their content to be the topic of bringing our fine institu-
online, but they just used the money on tion online, through a popular referen-

A capella groups to start “Hunger Games”-style competition for spots

BY MAYOR MCCHEESE
WHITE FEMINISM.JPEG
Due to a record-breaking number of
applicants this year, the A Capella Coun-
cil has decided to instate a new system for
auditions, which they describe as “a liter-
al fight to the death”. Tired of Broadway
songs, late-night auditions, and freshmen
boys singing falsetto, the Council says that
the new audition system will make it easier
for groups to choose members.
“The plan right now is to have three
stages,” says Lira Cull, a senior on the
Council. “It starts out easy, with a musical
number of their choosing. Then, we slow-
ly ramp up the pressure with the gladiator
arena. We were going to use Zable Stadi-
um for the location, but blood is too hard
to clean off of astroturf, so we decided on
Kaplan.”
Each applicant has to maim, kill, or vio-
lently injure their opponents to gain the fa-
vor of the judges, who offer the lucrative
prize of being part of a group of people that
make strange mouth noises. For many, this
prize is worth the potential risks of armed
combat.
When asked about the new system,
freshman applicants were confident.
“I’ve seen Pitch Perfect five times”, said
one student, “so I know everything about a
capella. Not only can I hit a high C, I can
also use my body as a human battering
ram, so I’ll definitely win this.”
The competition is meant to emphasize
the power of teamwork, an important qual-
ity for any a cappella group, so the Coun-
cil is urging applicants to work together in
order to win.
“I’m willing to eat the flesh of my com-
petitors,” said one freshman, who wished conduct, the administration emphasized
to remain nameless, “I’d do anything to the sustainability of the practice, saying
impress the Cleftomaniacs.” that the bodies of those rejected from the
The a cappella groups on campus are competition could be composted and used
excited about the new system. A spokes- as fertilizer on campus.
person for one of the groups noted that
“most students can carry a tune and bob
up and down to the beat. We’re looking for
students with star power, ones that aren’t
afraid to let their voices be heard, take
risks, or aggressively spear someone in the
chest.”
When asked for commentary on the vio-
lent competition taking place in their com-
munity, Williamsburg residents were un-
concerned.
“What the hell is a cappella?” said Nor-
ma Green, a 65-year-old Williamsburg na-
tive. “Is that some kind of infection?” A freshman prepares for her first trial by fire in
front of a Cleftomaniacs veteran.
When asked for their opinion on this
AGENDA SETTING
Fuck: White Student in Japanese Class Is Wholeass Wearing A Kimono
eyes to a more civilized culture that is…” —
The Botetourt Squat § October 9, 2018 § PAGE 2

his Kendo sticks are really just unaltered

BY SOULLESS GINGER
MOSHI, MOSHI, MOTHERFUCKER
Eyewitnesses have confirmed recent re-
ports that a local caucasian Japanese 101
student has been seen walking around the
William and Mary campus wearing a— oh,
fuck me— kimono. The student, hence-
forth referred to as That Guy to protect his
identity, has taken to wearing the tradition-
al Japanese garb he purchased on Amazon
for $19.99 to all of his classes. Not just his
Japanese class, which would be bad enough,
but all of his classes. Jesus.
That Guy- who, as we should note, has
like seven fucking Naruto stickers on his
laptop- has been con-firmed to talk to his
classmates about how his online “research”
into Japanese culture really “opened his
hoo boy— “...really more of a state of mind
than a heritage.” Sources speculate that That
Guy really has to know what he’s doing
with statements like that, right? That Guy
has also been known to go on and on about
how Japan is more “virtuous” than America
because it holds a greater ap-preciation for
“wisdom” and “stoicism” and, oh my god,
we really are going there, “honor.” Fuck.
Aside from pillaging another culture for
things he declares to be “baller”, That Guy
has been seen practic-ing kung-fu in front
of his dorm at seemingly all hours of the
day, even though he really should know that
kung-fu is Chinese, right? When a passing
student stops and stares, he allegedly chal-
lenges them to “a duel in my ancestors’ fa-
vored form of combat, Kendo”, even though
bam-boo torches from Party City and his
ancestors were electricians from South Bos-
ton. Shit.
In addition, an ongoing investigation in-
to That Guy’s online presence has revealed
several forum posts un-der the username
GentlemanRonin98. In them, he express-
es the hope that once he moves to Japan to
start his own shonen manga publication, he
will “finally be appreciated” by the nation’s
population “in a way the fool-ish Ameri-
cans cannot.” While one could be tempted
to feel sorry for such a delusional figure, one
should also keep in mind that rumors have
circulated that he’s started bowing— fuck-
ing bowing— to random Filipino students
around campus.
God fucking damn it. “Welcome to Nippon, traveler.”

Students United switches to smoke signals after Facebook deemed “too bourgeois”
prompted by a complaint that one of ning. Some sources insisted that it no conclusion was reached, although
BY LUST THE HEDGEHOG
the membyrs did not censor the word began when one of the members took many members expressed discom-
CIA INFILTRATOR
“class” when complaining about the their shirt off, revealing that they fort due to carpal tunnel syndrome
WILLIAMSBURG, Virginia-
college curriculum. When Students were actually a mockup doll with the caused by excessive snapping. After
The smell of juuled marijuana per-
United didn’t respond, the discon- words “YOU ARE ALL COMPLIC- a few more points about whether or
meated the atmosphere in the Lan-
tented party took to Twitter via the IT” written on its chest. There are not organizing and decision-making
drum dumpster last Thursday as the
handle @DogMeLenin69, writing a other attendees who claim that it ac- were authoritarian and a minor brawl
membyrs of Students United decid-
thousand word long thread decrying tually started when three members of over ownership of the communal
ed to switch to smoke signals as their
the organization as “lifestylist” and the Student Anarchists lit a window juul, the motion to switch to smoke
new medium of communicating pro-
publishing several screenshots of or- they had stolen from the local Star- signals was approved by a thin ma-
paganda. Those who were in atten-
ganizers DMing them to ask them the bucks on fire and chanted “school jority.
dance were treated to a five hour
matter. The account was deactivated, is like prison, mom why won’t you As of press time, a new leftist or-
long debate on the nature of the word
but not before the entire membership listen” until their throats were dry. ganization has been formed in op-
“be” and its relationship to neoliber-
of Students United called a “sponta- Nevertheless, consensus is that there position to Students United that be-
al oppression before voting to secede
neous collective gathering” under the was weed provided, and some sort of lieves in using guttural yells to com-
from the English language entirely.
dumpster of Landrum. decorum was reached. municate instead of smoke signals.
The debate over wheth-
Reports conflict as to the begin- After three hours of discussion,
er to co=ntinue to speak words was

THOTS ON LIFE: The Premiere= Sex and Lifestyle Column

The Botetourt Squat What’s your favorite part of coming back to campus?
‘Casus sunt, notabile est’
Tyler 114
College of William and Mary, Williamsburg, VA. 23185
Contact Us: botetourtsquat@email.wm.edu

Current Staff
Connor Simpson, The Magician
Julia Wicks, The Hierophant
Adam Benmhend, The Fool The Honored Dead
Shana Merker, Wheel of Jonah Abraham, Senile Mon-
Fortune arch Tommy Blackwell, Sadboy
Everyone here wears open-toed The dogs! Nah, just kidding. I love I love coming to campus so I can
Maxine Morgan, The Soldier Mark Hutchens, Elder States-
shoes, which really gets my foot fe- having an excuse to binge drink. immediately leave and never come
Grant Smith, The Seer man
Victoria Heller, The Lover Zach Rubin, Waifu
tish going. back.
Minna Blottner, The Tower Andy Goodstein, Golden God
Hallie Feinman, The High
Priestess
Charles Gowan, Seabiscuit
Zack Quaratella, Grad
President Rowe Changes Her Title to Dalai Llama; Met with No Resistance
Aidan O’Hallaran, The Squire Rigel Kaufman, Literally Mao BY DICK WHITMAN ing Llama.” As to the significance of Da- whether they differed from that of a Pres-
Jack Tobin, The Hermit NO RELATION lai Llama Rowe’s new title, she said that ident. One student even ventured to ask
Peter Eckel, The World In an unprecedented move by our new there is a key distinction between the Da- “Ain’t them things from Peru?” Anoth-
President, Katherine Rowe has made the lai Llama of William and Mary and the fa- er student said “Hell, she can call herself
executive decision within her first month mous Dalai Lama of the Buddhist faith (a Christ for all I care. She’s the best.” De-
Layout by a whole bunch of loser virgins in office to officially change her title from one-letter distinction, in fact). But wor- spite a general lack of knowledge about the
President to Dalai Llama. When ques- ried as I am to how the William and Mary situation, every single student we talked to
Disclaimer: This is a satire newspaper, and should
tioned as to the reason for this bold ac- community would feel, we at the Bourte- expressed outstanding support for our 28th
be read as such. Not intended for readers under 18,
tion, formerly-President Rowe respond- tourt Squort took to the streets to question President (1st Dalai Llama) and the One-
or people who don’t understand satire. Not intended ed that she wanted our beloved college to members of the student body face-to-face. Hundred Years of Women campaign, dis-
to be read by Student Affairs. Special thanks to our have the first Dalai Llama of higher educa- Truthfully, almost nobody had heard of the playing a remarkable confidence and faith
lovely Swem Cataloguers, who have to endure this tion in the United States. She said that we change, as many were preoccupied with in our new leader. In a follow-up interview
monthly hardship. Any non-public figures represented as a college needed to “lose our unhealthy a busy schedule or the details of the new at a later date, we asked the Dalai Llama
in this paper are fictional, unless given express con- dependence on Western culture” and learn Chik-fil-A. When we explained the spe- why exactly she chose this specific title, to
sent to the writer or editor. Please don’t sue us. We from the East, while also qualifying “I can cifics, most people had no idea what du- which she responded, “it was either that or
don’t have money. We don’t have anything. do whatever I want. I’m the Dalai Fuck- ties the position of Dalai Llama entailed, or Robocop Rowe.”
 The Botetourt Squat
“Bote-thot!!!!” chortles the wittiest freshman alive
BY THE ANTS OF GGV
YES THIS IS A SUBTWEET
BOTETHOT COMPLEX -- Fresh-
man Matthew Kerringer has officially
surpassed all comedic demonstrations
seen up to this point. Already a cam-
pus celebrity for his “Saddy-Daddy”
routine, Kerringer returned from his
hurrication with a new act, Hurricane
Flo-WHORE-ence, leagues above any-
thing seen at the College before.
“That girl Sara Dewly from
Spotswood was wild at the hurricane
parties,” Kerringer sets up, providing
context and a sense of familiarity to his
audience. “I guess you can say she’s a
real bote-thot.”
The execution of the punchline
Hobby Lobby Unaware They’ve Been Selling
Gay Agendas for Years
BY DIRT VONNEGUT
BIG GAY LOBBYIST
These are strange, troubling times in
which we live. Yes, sometimes it seems that
we inhabit a world of sharp turns and shad-
owed alleys, danger and immorality always
lurking, watching from the cover of night.
What is one to do? Where is one to go in
search of moral authority? Who shall be
our lighthouse?
For many years, America’s moral bea-
con shone bright, guiding us safely back
to shore, letting us sleep easily each night,
content with the knowledge that things
would, in the end, all turn out alright. Who
was this infallible moral pillar, you ask?
Why, arts & crafts superstore Hobby Lob-
by, of course! Who else but the upstand-
ing company who refused their employ-
ees contraceptives & illegally smuggled an-
cient artifacts from Iraq into the United
States? Yes, over the years since its found-
ing, Hobby Lobby has developed a repu-
tation for keeping a firm hand and a strong
spine in the face of liberal amorality. One
recent discovery, however, has sent ripples
through the company, shaking the organiza-
tion to its core.
Despite its best intentions, it appears that
Student Locked in Meditation Room Reaches
Enlightenment
BY LAZY PHILIP K. DICK SEX PUN
HIGH IQ BRAIN GENIUS
McLeod-Tyler Wellness Center-After
72 straight hours of being locked in a Well-
ness Center, a student has achieved nirva-
na. The student formerly known as Cathe-
rine Jackson, as she has shed all earthly ti-
tles during the process, was checking out
the new center in its first week of opera-
tion. She moved into a meditation room
when the door shut behind her it would
stay closed as long as she a physical form
She was first reported missing after 8
hours of unintentional meditation by her
roommate, Valerie Mallery who thought
she ‘just fell asleep in there’. “Around the
15 hour mark I got suspicious, Catherine
is the worst sleeper I ever met”, she con-
tinued, “I told someone, but I was told
not to ‘harsh her vibe’”. Eventually staff
tried to open the door, but by then it was
too late. When asked about how she felt
during the ordeal, her disembodied voice
echoed directly into the heads of every-
one in building saying, “The experience
was panicked, but slowly I fell out of re-
ality. It was nice. As my physical form be-
came one with the universe, I just felt like
October 9, 2018
left audiences reeling. Only a genius
would ever think to combine the ac-
ronym “thot” with Kerringer’s home
complex. “Hehehe!” giggled Dewly. “I
can’t even be mad at the joke! Bote-
thot, haha!” Dewly proceeded to thank
Kerringer for giving her the honor of
being included in one of his routines.
She was last seen wearing a bedazzled
crop top with “BOTE-THOT” across
the chest.
Dewly was not the only one tickled
by the set. The routine touched all so-
cial classes.
Jason Chung, junior, was delight-
ed by the ingenuity of the class of ‘22:
“Harharhar! I wish I thought of ‘Bote-
thot’ when I lived in Dinwiddie! Hoo
hoo, I am so pleased with this fresh-
the company has, unwittingly, been stack-
ing strange objects they call “Gay Agendas”
for years. Until recently, these were stacked
along with the normal, straight agendas,
indifferentiable but for one thing: These
agendas were GAY!
We checked in with Hobby Lobby CEO
Steve Green for more information. “Why,
it was horrifyin’!” said Green, muttering in
his distinctive Oklahoma drawl. “I had nev-
er heard of such a thing, but I was watch-
ing Hannity one morning and I heard about
these things called ‘Gay Agendas’. I was
perturbed. Then, I showed up to work that
day, and I saw we stocked agendas all over
the country! Well, I knew I had to do some-
thin’ immediately! The problem was, we
couldn’t tell which agendas was gay and
which wasn’t. So, we did the only God-fea-
rin’ thing we could and just threw out every
agenda we had stocked. Sure, we lost mil-
lions… Damn near sank the whole compa-
ny… but it was for the best.”
Hobby Lobby’s stock has dropped near-
ly 80% in the aftermath of this bold act of
morality, and most experts see bankruptcy
as inevitable at this point, but the company
maintains that it was totally worth it.
pretty good. 10/10 I’d recommend it”.
Then center is not sure what to make
of this development. “This is good?”, said
Dr. Crace R. Kelly vice president of the
center, “We want students to feel good,
but we also want them to physically exist
to charge them tuition”. Dr. R. Kelly went
on to say that she believes that this is what
the center is for, but she doesn’t know if
to this extent. No comment will made if
students will still be allowed to transcend
this physical plane in the near future.
Who am I, you ask? Are you sure you are ready to know?
PAGE 3
man’s joke!”
“Hyuk hyuk hyuk,” Martha Arm-
-stead, sophomore, guffawed. “This
comedic prodigy is by far the most
charming and handsome man on cam-
pus! Bote-thot hohohohoho--where did
he come up with that?!”
President Rowe has since declared
the immediate rebranding of the fresh-
man complex. When asked about the
decision, Rowe credits Kerringer as in-
spiration: “He is by far the most tal-
ented student at this great institution. I
think if our admissions team could ret-
roactively give him a 1693, we would.
We would give him all eight. He’s just
that good.”
Kerringer’s next public appearance
is the renaming ceremony late October.
Pictured: Robin Williams, a comedian almost as
funny as Kerringer.
New Developments in the Crocs vs Birken-
stocks Feud
BY WILEY PENN
LOOKING FOR GAMER GF WITH FEET
The tension between the devoted
wearers of the universe’s two ugliest
(yet comfortable) shoe brands reached
a new level this week. Eye witnesses
have confirmed that the bronze statue
of our homeboy Tom J was seen sport-
ing a pair of red, white, and blue Crocs,
complete with a Declaration of Inde-
pendence Jibbit (commonly mispro-
nounced “giblet”) on his right Croc,
and, controversially, Jibbitz of UVA’s
Rotunda and a Griffin side by side on
his left. The following day, however,
the Crocs had vanished, replaced by an-
other brand of shoe that goes with noth-
attributed to the shoes, but when
ing and, yet, for some reason, is worn
with everything: Birkenstocks. asked, O’Dial launched into an exten-
Crocophile Chris O’Dial contacted sive lecture covering the “wonderful”
the Botetourt Squat to express his out- odor resistant properties of Croslite
rage surrounding the removal of what polyurethane. Therefore, it seems, the
he calls, “the preferred shoe of any perfume is that of the Croc-wearer him-
great man,” listing the likes of Prince self rather than the clog.
The Squat reached out to the lead-
George and Mario Batali as prime ex-
amples. O’Dial spoke at great lengths er of the on-campus Birkenstocks with
Sox Fan Club, Jesús Sandall, for com-
during the interview about the impor-
tant role Crocs have played in spread- ment. We received word, however, that
ing the message that people should be Sandall is currently in a remote part
accepted regardless of the neon color or Vermont at a Sweaters for Sheep rally
number of holes in their footwear. The and does not have access to the inter-
largest takeaway, however, regarded net. It remains to be seen whether or not
the traditional scent of a Crocophile: a the absence of Sandall will have any ef-
unique mixture of middle school home fect on the ongoing battle between the
economics teacher, burnt plastic, and two brands, or if relative newcomer Te-
giving up. It is a smell frequently va will change the debate. We will con-
tinue to follow this story as it unfolds.
Avoiding Hell With Richard L.
Tips for sexual purity
If you are ever filled with bad inten-
tion, just kneel in front of Jesus Christ and
repeat “I do not love cock in my thrussy”
five times in a row.
Richard Liu is a masc-for-masc Chris-
tian boy who loves to go to church, wear
cargo shorts, and volunteer at the home-
less shelter.
VARIETY
Study finds 68% of students chose William & Mary to “I dunno, chill in the woods, I guess?”
The Botetourt Squat § October 9, 2018 § PAGE 4

BY JORA MORMON
SMOKING IN THE WOODS BY
MATOAKA
A recent study by the Cuck Envi-
ronmental Lab recorded that 68%
of William and Mary students who
completed the College’s survey on
selection of universities marked that
they chose W&M to “I don’t fuckin
know, chill in the woods, I guess?”
These students selected their choice
amongst a diverse array of options,
which range from “I am a slut for
academics” to “I didn’t get into an
ivy.”
The survey also documented that the
students who selected this option
overwhelmingly majored or minored
in Interdisciplinary Studies. When
asked to describe their major, howev-
er, most students seemed confused by
the question and replied with “dicking
around on the trails probably.”
Several students in the major recently
received a research grant for a life sci-
ence project on the effect of acorns on
the ground. “We’re just gonna...um...
bury the acorns,” explained senior In-
terdisciplinary Studies major, Jessica
Fran. “Then we uh, give ‘em a little
spritz.” If executed precisely, these
students could continue to benefit the
community of W&M and help regrow
the woods in which they spend almost
all of their time.
Michael Carbonson, a recent graduate
of the College, exemplifies exactly
just what an Interdisciplinary Studies
major with a concentration in dirt can
do in the real world. Carbonson, who
is technically a resident of Dickenson
County but works in DC (tax breaks),
spends his time serving the commu-
nity by moving mulch for the city.
While his service was not a choice
but a part of his sentence for produc-
ing an open container in the middle
of a DC-area Qdoba, he still applies
his skills in killing cockroaches and
not caring about ants in his room to
push himself to maximum efficiency
while on the job. In an open letter to
the W&M community, Carbonson
wrote that “William and Mary taught
me that, even with almost constant
classes, I can still find time to walk
through spiderwebs and get attacked
by a few squirrels.”
Students and alumni alike are prov-
ing to the tri-state area that there is
big money in big woods. The whole
community is waiting to hear what
comes next from these trailblazing
students and hopes that they continue
to inspire other vaguely woodsy stu-
dents to apply what they’ve learned
on campus.

A true ally: This male feminist icon doesn’t even cum from head
BY CONCERNED MOTHER
PUTS THE “FUN” IN SEXUAL DYS-
FUNCTION
Wow! According to sources close to him,
local man Bradley Stephenson-Heller can-
not achieve orgasm while a woman is giving
him a blowjob. After hearing this incredible
story, the Botetourt Squat decided to inves-
tigate further.
“Yeah, I tried for like, three hours, but
it just never happened,” said local woman
Amber Moore while arranging the healing
crystal collection on her windowsill. “And
then when he put it in he came in three sec-
onds. Honestly, I think it’s really bold how
he only got off when I did. Like, yes king!
Promote mutual sexual pleasure!”
Truly inspiring. In a true sign of real
feminism, all of Brad’s other partners con-
firmed that they, too, had never sucked an
orgasm out of his underdeveloped phallus-
-and not for lack of trying!
We were even lucky enough to talk to the
superstar himself in his one-room apartment
in Brooklyn, New York. Brad works as a
journalist for the Huffington Post and loves
dogs, even though he has never been able to
take care of one before. Take notice, dog
owning ladies! Maybe you’ll be his next
lucky girl.
When asked to comment on his incredi-
ble selflessness, Brad shrugged and took a
bottle of Pabst Blue Ribbon from his refrig-
erator.
“I just don’t really like it,” he said. “It
makes me feel empty inside, you know?
Kinda like that Kanye West song. You
know the one.”
We certainly know which one you’re
talking about, Brad! But it isn’t just Brad
who is setting an example. In fact, none
of Brad’s friends are able to achieve climax
from fellatio, and some of them have never
orgasmed during sex at all. Way to stand up
to patriarchal norms, Brad’s friends!
Here at the Botetourt Squat, we take
feminism seriously. That’s why when we
hear about someone as sexually frigid out-
side of penetration as Brad is, we take no-
tice. Why? Because it’s people like Brad
who will lead other men by example into
a future that’s better--and filled with fewer
blowjobs--for all of us.

You Too Can Like Kpop: Take the Squat’s Kpop Matching Test!
By STAN B. LACKPINK
CHIEF K-POP CORRESPON-
DENT
Korean pop culture is sweep-
ing the globe in the most epic
wave of culture since colonial-
ism and everyone is getting on
board. Most visible in this new
era in pop culture is the flagship
of the Hallyu: K-pop, a danger-
ously catchy, famously flashy, and
puzzlingly sexy genre of music.
All your favorites are fans: Barack
Obama stans SHINee, Lorde stans
Girls’ Generation, Emma Stone
stans 2NE1, and even our glori-
ous leader Katherine Rowe stans
BLACKPINK (I mean probably;
how could she not?)
We here at the Squat know it
can be a hard hobby to get into,
what with all the hysterical fans,
the foreign lyrics, and the seem-
ingly endless number of dudes in
makeup who all look exactly alike
and whose names you are expected
to memorize. (But I assure you;
it’s totally worth it.) Despite this,
we know you’re intrigued. We
know you’re just dying to become
one among the aforementioned
enlightened individuals. We know
you want to take your music game
from Gross High School American
Pop to Refined College Korean
Pop. That’s why we’re here to
help.
One of the hardest things for the
beginning kpop fanatic is knowing
where to start. Contrary to popular
belief, there is kpop for everyone
and every music taste. Unless
you like country. But no one likes
country.
Kpop is sort of like sex: the first
experience can be bad if you don’t
know what you’re doing. Luckily
for you, dear reader, we staff here
at the Squat lack ALL the virgini- •
ties, kpop included. When it comes
to illustrious kpop, we’ve been to •
all the bases and tapped that like
you wouldn’t believe. So like a
helpful mentor, I’ve taken it upon •
myself to compile a guide for the
kpop novice.
The test is simple: find an •
American artist you like and dis-
cover the Korean equivalent! It’s
like a dating app for stanning! Of •
course, no two artists are the same,
so I elaborated a little, expanding
just slightly on the description for
some American artists so you have •
a better idea of what you’re getting
into.
The Test •
•
•
 The Botetourt Squat
Gay icon? Elon Musk throws heteronormativity out the window by suck-
ing own dick
BY MINI VAN DRIVER
GRIMES STAN
These days, more and more of
mainstream society and culture
and embracing LGBT individu-
als and institutions. The business
world is no exception. Tesla CEO/
sex crimes detective Elon Musk is
the latest high-profile individual to
show some acceptance for the gay
community. Musk frequently sucks
his own dick on various social me-
dia platforms and isn’t afraid that
this might be perceived as a gay
act.
“It’s nice to see representa-
tion in our CEOs,” says a bystand-
er. “When Elon Musk absolutely
sucks his own asshole on Twitter, it
normalizes ass eating! I like that.”
Musk may identity as a het-
erosexual man, but he isn’t shy
about expressing affection for his
Dinwiddie Residents Plan Takeover of Botetourt Community Council
BY SOME PRICK WITH A
KEYBOARD
THREE-EYED SQUIRREL
With the Botetourt Community
Council elections just around the cor-
ner, the residents of Dinwiddie Hall
are planning to establish a totalitarian
regime consisting entirely of its own
members. The Squat political corre-
spondence team had the opportunity
to sit down with a few of these mem-
bers who plan to run for office.
“Essentially, we plan to have a
Dinwiddie resident in every office
position,” said presidential candidate
Will Stinson. “That way, we can en-
force our militaristic rule over the en-
tire Botetourt complex.”
Stinson explained that once in
office, the newly founded Bote-
tourt-Dinwiddie Supplant Machine
(BDSM) party would remove the vot-
ing rights of all members of the gen-
eral body and hall representatives not
from Dinwiddie. “We’re going to in-
troduce new legislation that allows
Art Appreciation Corner
An absolute unit, as depicted by Colombian figure painter
Fernando Botero (b. 1932) in his typical style.
October 9, 2018 PAGE 5
greatest love of all: himself. And
he’s a man, so that’s gay.
“Self-love is so critical,”
tweeted a Musk fan earlier this
week. “It’s pretty homosexual to
love yourself, cause that’s the same
gender, but Elon takes it to a whole
new level.”
Many of the acts Musk has
performed on himself were once il-
legal in most of the Western World,
and it wasn’t until Lawrence vs.
Texas in 2003 that sodomy was le-
gal in the U.S. Now we see it all
the time, like on Twitter when Elon
Musk talks about how big his stock
price is and strokes his own ego.
In light of this, the Human
Rights Campaign has rescinded the [CENSORED]
lifetime achievement award they
gave to Jeff Bezos and given it to
Elon Musk instead. That’s called
courage.
and encourages the use of Executive
orders,” he continued.
Managing their campaign is Din-
widdie Second floor RA Saul Wom-
anfort, who in an interview stated:
“There’s really nothing in the Com-
munity Constitution that’s stopping us
from doing this, so I figured why not,
right? Once we allocate all democrat-
ic power to the BDSM party, we’re
going to move forward with our big-
ger plans. You know, things like, oc-
cupying all the Botetourt vending ma-
chines, enslaving the cockroaches to
function as a labor force, etc.” Saul is
optimistic about the party’s chances fered his thoughts on the BDSM par- private media organizations to pro-
in this year’s elections: “Being from ty’s plans in that regard: “Securing duce pro-BDSM propaganda.
the shittiest dorm on campus, part the council’s funding would allow Botetourt Head Resident Julia In-
of our campaign focuses on eliciting us to make those fuckers- I mean our glesby declined to comment on the
sympathy from the other dorms’ resi- residents happy and proud to be from matter.
dents. First they feel bad for us, then Botetourt. For instance, we are pro- This election could prove to be a
they feel our vengeance.” posing a council-subsidized project turning point in the Botetourt political
One of the primary responsibili- to post 24-hour guards in every dorm system, as never before has a totali-
ties of the Community Council is de- so as to ensure the security of the re- tarian party put its name on the ballot.
ciding how to spend the budget. Trea- gime and its residents.” He says the Be sure to stay tuned for the results of
sury candidate Steven Munchkin of- remaining funds will be invested in their exciting campaign.
Getting Sex with Connor S.
Tips for sexual impurity
People love it when you give them
gifts, especially intimate ones. Don’t
have time to make one? Just take a pic-
ture of something that’s intimate to you,
like your genitals, and send it to some-
one you’re interested in. They’ll be
touched you shared it with them.
Connor S. is a professional anime
girl and part-time beekeeper. They are a
best-known for their spot-on Dolly Par-
ton impression and sparkling white teeth.
SPECIAL REPORTS
How to get paid to browse Twitter (NOT CLICKBAIT!!!)
BY YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGH-
BORHOOD EDGELORD
0 RTs, 0 LIKES [PROMOTED]
Now I know this sounds like the intro
to some sort of mlm scheme, but trust
me when I say that if you follow my
advice, you’ll soon be getting paid
browsing dank memes. The secret
is this thing called the Monroe sum-
mer research project, you can get a
research grant to study whatever you
want! Of course, this is only available
to Monroe scholars, so I’ll start with
how to become one. This starts in your
early childhood, where it’s important
that you attend an incredibly strict
and academically focused elementary
school. It’s essential that the vari-
ous forms of childhood trauma you
receive are deeply ingrained, and you
properly learn to associate grades with
self-worth. If you can also establish
yourself as a gifted child™, you’re on
the right track. From there, you just
have to keep up being a straight-A,
overachieving student for another 6-8
years, at which point you start apply-
ing to colleges. You’ll likely have a
mental breakdown or two along the
way, and consider running away to
become a lama herder in Peru, but as
long as your grades don’t fall below a
B you’ll be fine. If you’ve made it this
far, then when you apply William and
Mary, they’ll be so impressed you’ll be
accepted as a Monroe scholar for sure.
Now that you’re a Monroe scholar, you
have a guaranteed research grant and
can apply for another one after your
freshman year. Since you’re here to
make bank, I’ll go over the freshman
one, and you can follow the same steps
for the regular one. The most important
part is choosing your topic. If you want
to get paid to browse twitter, you need
a topic where you can call browsing
twitter ‘research’. I recommend choos-
ing something super obscure, with
only like 5-6 experts in the world. That
way, you can give the excuse that you
were just reading through their feeds
to get their opinions on certain topics.
Ideally, and this is more common for
weird topics that attract weird people,
they’ll mostly just post memes and
shit, so you aren’t even lying about
only following their accounts. This
method can sometimes make the ap-
plication process harder, but if you can
force your topic into a class project at
some point, you can say you’re explor-
ing a topic from that class that you
found interesting. Now, you still have
to complete the actual research project,
but if you chose a topic you’re actu-
ally interested in, it’ll be a lot easier.
Just read a bunch of articles from your
extensive and untouched to-read list,
then spend way too much time find-
ing other sources when you panic and
realize what you have still isn’t good
enough. When you finish the project,
make sure not to actually cite twit-
ter, since you didn’t really use it as a
source, you just said you were ‘doing
research’ whenever anyone asked why
you were wasting so much time on it.
After you turn in the finished project,
you’ll collect collect a cool grand,
secretly knowing that even if they paid
you for the extensive research project,
you technically got paid to look at
memes. And that’s the super easy way
to get paid browsing twitter.

A freshman marks his territory: Inside the GGV Resource Wars

BY TURD FERGUSON
GUERILLA OPERATIVE
In the Godforsaken lands of the GGV,
formerly known as The Units, a bor-
der dispute has polarized two adjacent
dorms. Sequestered into hellish condi-
tions, the Haves and the Have-nots are
doing battle over precious allocations
of luxuries and essential resources. Lion
K is the poorest of the poor, the equiva-
lent of a third-world country in the GGV.
The room of the supervisor has shrunk
the lounge by half the normal size, and
the basement lounge is non-existent, all
with terrible air conditioning unbecom-
ing of a communal space. Lion L, by
contrast, is an Edenic paradise with per-
fect lounge AC, a water fountain, and a
ping pong table. The inevitable matricu-
lation of Lion K refugees into the spac-
es of Lion L has bred resentment, coming
to a peak when one Lion L resident pro-
posed to “Make Lion L great again” by
forbidding any unwelcome immigrants.
Another Lion L spokesperson suggested
that they “secure the border” between the
dorms, a shared door and stairwell, and
then they could screen potential immi-
grants for approval.
In response to this antipathy, one am-
bitious Lion K resident decided to assert
his dominance and claim the Lion L re-
sources once and for all. He strode into
the lounge and, without batting an eye,
whips out his cock and proceeds to mark
his territory. All over the walls and the
couches, the ping pong table and into
the water fountain, this brave freshman
made the ultimate power move by claim-
ing what was his by the ancient notion
that might is right. When we at the Bour-
tetourt Squort questioned this young man
as to what he hoped to accomplish by
pissing on everything in the lounge, he
simply said “it’s mine now.” But it hasn’t
stopped there. In a stunning show of hall
unity, Lion K residents have taken hourly
shifts to ensure that the lounge remains
claimed in the name of their dorm. As a
direct result, the lounge is all but aban-
doned by those from Lion L, and Lion
K rejoices.

PUBLIC SERVICE Trump announces plan to stop gun violence

ANNOUNCEMENT
BY TURD FERGUSON
ILLEGAL IN SEVEN STATES
As I’m sure you know, our country has
been ravaged by repeated mass shoot-
ing incidents that have only served to
increase the partisan divide. The image
of the school shooter as a sullen, strange,
and socially-awkward outcast has been
ingrained into the colloquial vocabulary of
current students. So how can this epidemic
of gun violence in our schools, something
we’re so familiar with on the news and
live with each day, be cured effectively?
In an attempt to resolve this very issue
the ATF alongside the usual background
check, containing such questions as “Are
you a part of the chess club?” and “Do
you consider bowling a legitimate sport?”
President Trump has even considered
creating a ‘Standardized Popularity Test’
that would evaluate popularity on a large
scale basis, making it easier for schools
to effectively target and combat would-be
mass shooters.
When asked whether either proposition is
at all constitutional, Mr. Trump claimed
that “it’s more constitutional than try-
ing to ban guns! This way we preserve

Fighting the Blues with Julia W.

and bring our country together, President
Trump has turned to some of the greatest
political and scientific minds to devise
Have you tried aaakra yoga? It’s creative solutions. His own son-in-law
amazing and it’s easy. First, close Jared Kushner suggested that we ban
your eyes. Then, visualize a lotus the sale and use of trenchcoats, but the
flower blooming and folding in your
President has rightly perceived that the
stomach as you breathe in through
your nose. Finally, you let out your trenchcoat dilema is merely skimming the
as a primal scream: “aaaaaaaaaaa!” surface of a much deeper problem.
You’ll feel so cleansed. It is for this reason that Mr. Trump has
decided to restrict the sale of firearms to
Julia W. is That Kid in Class and popular kids only, and not “those weirdos
a HOPE-certified screaming instruc-
that shoot up schools.” When opposition
tor. In her free time she enjoys point-
ing out dogs in Colonial Williams- leaders asked the President how exactly
burg with exchitement, as though gun stores were supposed to determine
she’s never seen one before. whether or not someone was popular, Mr.
Trump revealed a newly devised ‘Popu-
larity Form’ that would be submitted to
our Second Amendment rights while also
ending mass shootings. Win-win, baby.”
But not content with the words of politi-
cians, we at the Bourtetourt Squort asked
renowned psychologist Dr. Skinner about
some of the unintended consequences of
quantifying popularity. Dr. Skinner said
that by focusing on popularity at an insti-
tutional level, we might make unpopular
kids even more likely to commit a mass
shooting once they’ve become self-aware
of their position at the bottom of the so-
cial hierarchy. Despite these concerns, the
President has decided to move forward
with his innovative new plan, and hopes
to solve this issue while also bringing
together an increasingly divided country.
OPINION FACT
Cocaine: A review
BY THE GREAT WAR
CRIMES TRIBUNAL IN THE
SKY
NEEDS A PLUG
It is 7:30 PM, September 21, 2018.
Alexa, my name is [REDACTED
OUT THE WAZOO] and tonight, I
will be undergoing an experience like
no other, for the sake of journalism.
Of course, that means I will be trying
cocaine, the most valuable natural re-
source this side of Morton hall, for the
first time…...and reviewing it!
10:15 PM, September 21, 2018.
Alexa, I am about to leave my splen-
did journalism castle in the Randolph
complex, for a night of sin and discov-
ery. Before she ghosted me, my lat-
est tinder match confirmed to me that
there would be a fresh shipment of Sa-
tan’s Kooky Sea Salt at tonight’s Delta
Iota Kappa event, giving me a perfect
petri dish for my self-experimentation.
I am fully prepared for this journal-
istic endeavor, wearing my finest Pa-
tagonia sweater and bean boots, yet I
still lament leaving my humble abode,
for the sound of my flatmate fornicat-
ing with my ex in the next room would
make for ideal writing conditions.
10:45 PM, September 21, 2018. Al-
exa, I have successfully entered the
ΔIK house, despite a long argument
Hot take: put Sriracha on Marketplace break-
fast sandwiches
BY BIG DINGER
BIG SMART SCIENCE BOY
I have an 8 AM class. As a senior.
So I need more calories in the morn-
ing than the puny freshmen nin-
compoop rat brains. My brain is so
large that if I do not eat breakfast,
my forehead swells and I look like
Jimmy Neutron (not saying that I am
not, in every other way, complete-
ly like Jimmy Neutron). My robot
dog wakes me up with enough time
before class that I can teleport into
Marketplace and demand my favor-
ite sandwich.
What you brainless ants don’t
know about is that the best way to
finish off a Marketplace sandwich is
with Sriracha. SOME PEOPLE have
confided in me and told me that Sri-
racha is gross and will give me butt
cancer, but I already have several
hemorrhoids, so HA HA HA fooled
you dweebs. The garlickyness alone
makes my dick rock hard and drops
the panties of all the surrounding ba-
berinos, hello yes I see you too, my
telephone number is 1-800-FUCK-
OFF, please text me after 7 I’m free
most evenings.
Sriracha has just the right amount
of spiciness to bring out the egginess
of the croissant if you’re a winner,
biscuit if you’re a cuck, and texas
toast if you want your mother to cry.
Call your mother to calm her down,
The Botetourt Squat § October 9, 2018 § PAGE 7
with the brother at the door regarding
my press credentials. However, he still
let me in, after I was able to name at
least three of his biological brothers.
What can I say, in the fourth estate, do-
ing your research is half of the work.
As I went up the stairs, I could feel the
classic frat party humidity setting in,
and the ends of my boots getting stick-
ier at every step. Finally, it was time to
begin the process.
11:56 PM, September 21, 2018. Al-
exa, after making awkward eye contact
with that Tinder match (that’s what you
get for ignoring my messages, Anna), I
have finally entered the inner sanctum
of the fraternity residence. Under the
colored strobe lights and the freshmen feel much, but someTHING’S defi- the WMPD and several angry RAs
couples grinding to 4 AM by 2Chainz, nitely going on inside of me. May- with shotguns.
I finally see the object of desire, sev- be I’ll wait this one out. Experience? 12:19 PM, September 22, 2018.
eral lines of white powder accompa- So far, I’ve stolen the aux cord at the Good morning Alexa. I’ve made it
nied by one uninterested frat broth- party, blasted Enya, got kicked out of home alive, so I think I’m going to rate
er. I make my way to the other side of the house, had my press credentials re- my overall experience an 8/10. Wait -
room, land my nose on the table….. voked, tried to call for the kingdoms of hold on. I checked Tinder, and it looks
and….my review has begun. western Europe to retake the holy land, ikes Anna blocked me! Apparenly, I
1:15 AM, September 22, 2018. Al- and they laid siege to Constantinople sent her ked my Tinder, it looks like
exa, boy oh boy do I have a LOT to instead, so yeah it’s been a pretty fun Anna blocked me after I sent her com-
say about this stuff! Luster? 10/10. Oh, night, but it’s far from over. plete onamontapoeia of Mars, Bringer
how coarse was this fine substance, as 1:59 AM, September 22, 2018. Well of War from the Planeta rendition suite
it gracefully journeyed up my nasal Alexa, I think my night is over. Af- by Gustav Holst. Fuck. Cocaine is can-
cavity. Smell? 9/10, absolutely won- ter spray painting the Jefferson statue, celled. I’m a mess. God, this is so sad.
derful. I had no idea that drugs could Frat Row, and possibly the Botetourt 12:20 PM, September 22, 2018. Al-
feel…..this sweet? High? 7/10; can’t complex, I’m currently hiding from exa, play Despacito.
you filthy whore. You disappoint-
ment. Go die in a dumpster so no-
body has to move your body.
Vegetarians can get fucked for
all I care. If you don’t understand the
innate appeal of a sausage puck then
it’s time to go home. Show’s over.
Goodbye.
My breakfast sandwich with
Sriracha gives me superpowers. I can
shit fire now, whereas before I could
only fart so much that I could fly
(butt cancer does wonderful things
for me, actually). If you smelled my
farts you’d become the next Buddha,
though, so I try to only fart in fields
in Washington state during thunder-
storms.
Some people say that sandwiches
are for lunch. I didn’t invent bread
for you to impose your discourse up-
on it. Go shove The History of Sex-
uality up your ass and write “Fuck-
cault” on your forehead with a sharp-
ie.
In conclusion, the best way to
start your morning is with some-
thing spicy and eggy and bready and
sausagey. Next issue I will discuss
the *fact* that the only way to con-
sume potatoes is tater tots, and will
be printing the location of the new
gallows for anyone heard to speak
the words “fr**ch f**es.” Later, as-
swads.
¿SPÖRT AND REVIÜ? The Botetourt Squat § October 9, 2018 § PAGE 8

Six characters who really should have been in Smash

BY BOSS BABY JOHNNY
DOESN’T EVEN WAVE DASH
Bowsette: This one is just a giv-
en. If you checked out social media
AT ALL around the time that the
Peach Crown was unveiled, you’d
know that more than a few fans of
the series would agree. When the
roster was announced, along with
the phrase “Everyone is here!”,
that is well before we knew of all
the possibilities for the crown,
and the Internet’s favorite wear-
er. Almost every other main char-
acter from the Mario games, Ma-
rio, Luigi, Peach, Bowser, Wario,
Waluigi, and now even Daisy is in-
volved. So why didn’t poor Bow-
sette get the same promotion? She
could have (and should have) total-
ly donned some all-out tight tennis
gear to head into the fray. Just sa-
yin’.
Squidward: Out of all the pos-
sible villains (and heroes) from
Nickelodeon, Squidward would
make one of the more interesting
additions to Ultimate. He would
be able to fight in the more clas-
sic ways (punching, head-butting,
and the like) and he would be able
to touch into the more creative as-
pects of his being. With Squid-
ward, there are many options for
moves that haven’t been seen be-
fore. He could go full handsome,
halting other characters mid-at-
tack. Of course, for a possible spe-
cial move, he could go full tenta-
cle porn. How cool would that be?
The options are pretty much end-
less with the fun squid character.
Ben Gates from National Trea-
sure: Nicholas Cage gave us this
iconic role in National Treasure. By
the name alone, you can gather that
he is a little more than unhinged.
When you think about it, that’s the
perfect recipe for a Smash fighter.
His inclusion in a sequel really ce-
mented his status as a fighter wor-
thy enough of a spot in the Super
Smash Bros. Ultimate roster since
he seriously held his own against
Mitch Wilkinson. As for any pos-
sible moves, it’s pretty easy to see
what route Nintendo could take.
Don Quixote: Two words: wind-
mill level. Need I say more?
Rasputin: Why not include the
very best player from the Romanov
era? Sorry, Kirby, but if there was
anyone that should have been add-
ed to Smash first from the annals
of Russian history, it should have
been Rasputin. The fighter is icon-
ic for numerous reasons. First of
all, he was the very first fighter in
a one-on-one fighting game, ever.
Isn’t it only fitting that he get a spot
on the roster of one of the most no-
table fighting series of this day and
age? While Rasputin is an overall
amazing fighter, he’s most famous
for his survival. When it comes to
him, there’s really no one who real-
ly compares to his ability to survive
cyanide, three gunshots, and an at-
tempted drowning.
The Griffin: At first glance,
Griffin may look like too whole-
some of a character to join in on the
fighting, but if you’ve ever been
to a home basketball game, you’d
know that there’s a bit of a dark
side to the happy-go-lucky char-
acter. When you don’t cheer loud
enough, Griffin is not pleased. And
he can totally take that fire, along
with some knives and pans, and
turn it into some fighting skills out-
side of the kitchen. Don’t underes-
timate Griffin’s ability to hold his
own in a fight.

Unpunished for hunting squirrels, Jefferson

kids set sights on bigger game: Man
By SOUTH-WEST KARDASHIAN
BEING PURSUED
The class of 2022 have had an exciting start of the
year. New president and ultimate frisbee player (one
of the few new qualifications for future presidents at
the College), Katherine Rowe has started her reign
over this campus. Reveley has left, though his power
can still be felt on the campus, and the class of 2022
will not know of his friskiness. Neither will they
know of the great hunt of last year. Jefferson, home
of the chlamydia outbreak of 2016, and the lead poi-
soning of 2017, was also host to the great hunt of
2018. Some red blooded freshman felt that the meat
was not sufficient at the cafeterias on campus (the
meat is currently under scrutiny by the FDA), and
felt that the best way to resolve the issue would be to
hunt their own game.
Not following in the steps of Jennifer Rahn, who
has single handedly advocated for the hunting of
deer, by the bio 220 and 225 students, during lab,
the Jefferson residents found that the most practi-
cal animal to hunt were the squirrels that run ram-
pant on campus (if you have not seen a squirrel yet,
alert your nearest priest or parishioner as the apoca-
lypse is coming). Following in the Amazonian Na-
tive tradition, blow guns and darts were built, and
the hunt was on its way. A helpful RA, who was un-
aware of the Jefferson residents plans, had put up a
squirrel sighting board. This RA, who will remain
un-named for privacy purposes, un-knowingly sen-
tenced the squirrels to death. Judgement was passed,
and the Jefferson residents returned with dead squir-
rels in hand.
Skinned and marinated, the squirrels were later
found in the fridge by the RA, and the police were
called as no one had any idea what to do. Weapons
were confiscated, as well as the squirrel meat that
was shipped off to West Virginia for consumption,
and the Jefferson residents were asked not to hunt
again, but no repercussions came from the hunt. On-
ly a legacy came from this strange mom=ent. These
Jefferson residents would forever be known as the
boys who hunted the William and Mary squirrels.
The semester would come to a close, and the Jef-
ferson residents would move on to their next home,
but the need to hunt would follow them wherever
they went. Interested in meeting up with them, and
knowing what this upcoming semester would bring,
we agreed to meet in the bowels of ISC and discuss
their future plans.
Ex-Jefferson Resident 1: “It’s all we’re known for
anymore. We’re the kids who hunted the squirrels.”
Me: “So, do you ever wish you hadn’t done it?
That perhaps your name, your dorm, was associated
with something else?”
Ex-Jefferson Resident 2: *In a whisper* “The
need to hunt plagues us. Now it is time to hunt man.”
Ex-Jefferson Resident 1: “Shut up! Don’t tell him
our plans.”
Me: “Your plan is to hunt what?”
Ex-Jefferson Resident 2: “Man! The most danger-
ous game. We re-built our weapons. We’ve tipped
our darts with arsenic, and are ready for the hunt of Wanna write for
2019. We still have to secure our target. Maybe Rev-
eley, or maybe one of those physics majors. They’re
the Squat? It’s
so smart. I could use one less of them on campus.” easy! Show up to
After speaking with the Ex-Jefferson residents for our meetings, ev-
half-an-hour, I came to know their plan to hunt man.
They found that squirrels, and other rodents were too ery Thursday in
easy. And deer didn’t have quite the same blood cur- Tyler 114 at 7:00.
dling scream. If they were to be known as the Jef-
ferson hunters, they would be known for hunting
If you want to contact us, write
man, not just squirrels. So let this be a warning to to botetourtsquat@email.wm.edu.
all, if you see a number of students moving in a pack Also if you know how to rotate text
with what seem like blow darts, go warn your near-
est physics major, because the Jefferson kids are on
in Microsoft Word, please help us.
the hunt again.