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Vol. 12, Issue 1 ‘Is It News? Probably.’ August 23, 2021

Botetourt Beat Tips for Incoming Freshmen

BY DIXIE NORMOUS
We are Real Journalism! THIS WHOLE ISSUE IS FULL OF TIPS
credit on their final exams! wear civilian clothes, don’t worry! By

₰ Business school grad predicts a recession of
Kanye West’s “Donda” following the bubble of
performances
₰ Do not ask for the Red Pepper at Sadler
Express.
₰ Surveyor I approached figures there is “No
Way” a decomposing body is hidden in the
Griffin statue
₰ Guy sitting in the front row of introductory
history class on yet another monologue about
the Tiger II
₰ Katherine Rowe solos your favorite verse
₰ COVID-19 “Sigma” variant only infects one
person, preferring to be a lone wolf.
₰ Young Independents not really sure why the
large-scale destruction of human rights has
“anything to do with us”
₰ The path from Sadler to Wawa is in fact
shorter if you cut through that mulch to the left
of the parking lot
₰ Simply to Go Mukbang now open to students
as well as faculty
₰ Dream’s “Mask” performed at Convocation
to get everyone on board with… You know
₰ General reminder that horrifically, unlike
Zoom classes people can unfortunately actually
hear and see you in real classes.
₰ Old crusty spirit living in Swem mortified to
learn about the glory hole
S
uploading your proof of vaccination
tarting college is a hard time for 3. Try not to get lost. Starting life on a
to Kallaco, the administration is able
everyone, some more than others. Here new campus can be confusing, and it
to activate the microchip implanted by
are a few tips to help you get started and might take a week or two to find your
the vaccine to claim you as a William
to make your transition onto campus go as way around the place. Using Google
& Mary student and track your location.
smoothly as possible: maps to navigate trails can help, but
This way, if someone finds you on the
you’re bound to get turned around at
1. Don’t lose your keys. Nobody wants side of the road, they can take you to the
some point. Luckily, if you do get lost and
to get locked out of their room in the local shelter and use the chip to return
end up in the parking lot of a 7-Eleven at
middle of the night and have to sleep in the you safely to your WAM Fam!
4:00 am, your spirit wear will help you
lounge. I recommend getting a lanyard to
get back! Every Williamsburg resident
keep all of your important items together.
is trained to detect a William & Mary We hope you can use this advice to
You should have your room key, mailbox
student in the wild. If you’re a Super make your college experience one
key, student ID, car keys, safety deposit
Freshman and have your full body spirit
box key, and key to the faculty bathroom to remember. If you have any other
wear on at all times, they will be able to
all on your lanyard. Make sure to take it questions, don’t hesitate to ask President
pick you out from the crowd and direct
everywhere with you, and wear it around Rowe directly! She loves it when
you back to campus. If your griffin suit
your neck so that you jingle every time students show up at her doorstep at all
is at the dry cleaner’s and you have to
you enter a room and the people around hours of the day. Just be sure to knock!
you can get a heads-up that a freshman is
approaching.
2. Show some school spirit. There’s
nothing more boring than a group of
apathetic students at a football game.
Wearing a William & Mary shirt to events
is a good start, but to make sure people
know you’re serious, wear all of your spirit
wear every day. The bookstore has shirts,
shorts, socks, jackets, and any article of
clothing you can think of (griffin fursuits
have been discontinued). Once you’re
decked out head to toe in green and gold,
the upperclassmen will start taking your
dedication seriously. Plus, students who
wear spirit wear to every class get extra

White Boy Summer Shatters White Boy

Heat Records, Concerning White Boy Scientists
BY CHET HANX
WHITE BOYS BE WORRIED
As White Boy summer gives
way to White Boy fall, many White
Boy scientists are expressing
worry at the unprecedented
acceleration of natural White
Boy cycles. Prior White Boy
summers hovered around a
moderate hotness, but this most
recent instance shattered records
across the US, causing White
Boy droughts in Washington and
forcing the West Coast to do White
Boy rationing. Tania James, White
Boy PhD, speculates that these
trends are only going to get worse:
“We’ve known for a while that
the White Boy heat is just getting
more pronounced, but the rate at
which these White Boy summers
are spiking is unsustainable. Just
look at how hot these White Boys
are — there simply isn’t enough to
go around.”
Lucy Rhodes, sophomore,
breathlessly comments: “I’ve
never seen so many upper nineties
and even one hundreds back-
to-back in my life. It felt like
every day they got hotter and
hotter. Everyone was so thirsty,”
she wipes away a tear, “it was
unbearable.” Local chad Chad
Thundercock, however, seemed
to enjoy it. “I have been in about
47 vaginas today. Some might
say that’s too many vaginas, and
maybe they’re right. I was pushing
rope for the last few, but I finger
blasted them and they seemed
happy. I’ll probably unmatch them
anyway.” He booms a laugh, hair
flowing like golden rivers on the
rocky banks of a chiseled jawline.
One thing’s for sure: this article
is now over.
AGENDA SETTING The Botetourt Squat § August 23, 2021 § PAGE 2

Tips to Kill At Your First College Party

BY Al Cohol
be on you, not your outfit. way; here’s what to actually pull out the knife you’ve
THEY DON’T TEACH THIS AT You also want to make sure do. Once you’ve been at had with you the entire
ORIENTATION
you’re wearing something the party for a while, find time, and just go to town

S o, it’s your first semester
at college, you’re all
moved in, your parents left
a couple hours ago, and
you’ve had two (2) awkward
conversations with your
roommate, which is about
as many as you’ll have for
the rest of the year. What’s
next? You’re looking for one
of those legendary college
parties that definitely
happen at William & Mary.
But more importantly, you
want to make a bold first
impression at that party.
The first thing you want
to do is figure out your
outfit. You’re gonna want
something fashionable and
comfortable, but not too
loud. You want the focus to
that’s easy to get out of, just
in case ;).
Once you get to the party,
you want to try and stay
with a decently big group
of people. You should avoid
being with only one or two
people the entire time; it’s
better to have short but
good interactions with as
many people as possible
than to spend the entire
time developing some kind
of “close friendship” or
whatever.
Okay, now that we have all
that preparation out of the
someone who’s there on
their own, and doesn’t really
seem like they’ve been
talking to too many people.
Strike up a conversation, see
if you can get them out of
the venue where the party is.
Start heading back towards
campus, but don’t mention
where you actually live, just
in case things go poorly.
Next up, you’re going
to try to find a wooded
area along the way back to
campus, which shouldn’t be
too hard, given, you know…
Williamsburg. Next, you’ll
with it. Really, just go buck
wild with it. Don’t stop until
you hear “et tu” or they run
out of unblemished flesh,
whichever comes last.
Now that that’s done, drag
the person deeper into the
woods. There’s usually a
massive amount of old dead
leaves piled up all around,
which will help you to
disguise the fact that the earth
you’ll bury the body in has
been so recently disturbed.
Next, you’ll want to lose
the knife and the clothing
you’re wearing, which you
should bury with the body
itself. Then, you should call
a trusted friend and have
them pick up some clothing
from your room and bring it
to you. You can really make
up any kind of lie, like that
you got splashed with some

The Botetourt Squat

mud by a car driving past,
or tripped and fell into some
horse shit in CW.
‘Casus sunt, notabile est’ And that’s one of the
Zoom University greatest freshman concerns
College of William and Mary, Williamsburg, VA. 23185 dealt with: a successful first
Contact Us: botetourtsquat@email.wm.edu
party on campus.

Current Staff Mason Liddell

Rebecca Klinger Alex Luck
Noah Broude Abby Mendez
Matthew Reid Will Florentino
Jamie Godfrey
Claire Hogan
John Riegner
The Honored Dead
Hallie Feinman THOTS ON LIFE
Ezzie Seigel
Kofi Asenso
Julia Wicks
Anna Simpson
W&M’s Premiere Sex and Lifestyle Column
Moss Slack
Anu Desai
Jonah Abraham
Tommy Blackwell
Any tips for new students?
Halle Boynton Mark Hutchens
Trent Pilcher Zach Rubin
Callie Booth Andy Goodstein
Lace Grant Charles Gowan
Aidan O’Halloran Zack Quaratella
Tristan Robinson Rigel Kaufman

Layout by a whole bunch of loser virgins

Disclaimer: This is a satirical publication and
should be read as such. Not intended to be read
by anyone under 18, Student Affairs, Deborah
Cheesebro, or people who don’t understand Never get caught wearing wrap b4 u tap Always wear your Crocs
satire. Any non-public figures represented less than three pairs of in Sport Mode
here are either fictional or represeted with underwear
their express consent. Please don’t sue us. We
don’t have money. We don’t have anything.
 The Botetourt Squat
Newspeak: a Proposal for William & Mary to Adopt an Official Language
BY FREIDA M. O’SPEATCH
LINGUISTICS KIDS, GET ON IT
N ineteen Eighty-Four,
George Orwell’s blistering
takedown of the socialist
policies of Franklin Roosevelt,
Lyndon Johnson, and James
Carter’s United States,
introduced a new language and
way of thought. Forthrightly
named, “Newspeak,” it has
generally been understood as a
metaphor for totalitarianism’s
control over the minds of
those in its grips. This literary
consensus is likely correct.
It has been corroborated by
experts time and time again.
Additionally, I agree with their
opinions which lends credence
to their claims too. However,
our society has changed
dramatically in the nearly
four decades since this book’s
publication. Now, Newspeak
represents the best hope for
effective communication in
an increasingly academic job
market.
August 23, 2021
Brain-intensive jobs are on
the horizon. Unfortunately,
this means a major economic
shift. Communication will
be the backbone, front bone,
and both side bones of the
American economy in, at most,
four years. This change is
illustrated in a representative
survey of William & Mary
students conducted through
the Government department’s
Omnibus Project. In it, 97.8%
of those interviewed plan to
graduate college. Stunningly,
100% of interviewees had
seriously considered or
committed to attending college
within the last year. With such
overwhelming consensus, it
seems obvious that the era of
blue-collar jobs is over. To
extrapolate this data across
America, manual labor has
clearly met its end. All manual
workers are soon to be replaced
by a generation of financial
analysts, lawyers, middle-
managers, and office workers
of all kinds. Manufacturing
jobs will be quickly phased
out as highly-paid and exciting
jobs open up in offices across
the country. Labor is over. In
its place, we find professional
communicators.
However, communicating
is difficult. This is no secret.
Despite my impressive showing
in Advanced Placement English
Language and Composition,
I struggle to write clearly at
times. This proposal alone
took a week to write. It took
another week to fact-check
(something I find sorely lacking
nowadays). Finally, three days
more were spent on editing.
Only after such an intensive
process have I come away with
this impeccable piece.
To do away with connotations,
lived experiences, and personal
biases that make writing
difficult, I suggest a refresh. If
we adopt Newspeak, we will
have a new baseline for written
and spoken communication.
This would make our emerging
services economy more efficient
Food to Avoid at William and Mary
BY CHEF CHEESEBRO
BUT SAY HI TO GREG AT SADLER
PAGE 3
for global competition. Writing
would no longer be a struggle.
Instead, simple sentences
would clearly communicate
grandiose concepts. These
benefits, however, are obvious.
To truly understand the
magnitude of such a shift, we
must appreciate it from afar.
Dictionaries will get shorter,
which saves paper. Common
complaints about English will
melt away. Our language will
no longer be an international
laughing stock for superlative
progressions like “good, better,
best.” Our minds will have more
space available for thinking
when we no longer need words
like “terrible,” “horrible,” or
“awful.” All can be condensed
into one simple, beautiful word:
“doubleplusungood.” So what
is this exceptionally long and
elegant proposal attempting
to accomplish? Well, to say
it all efficiently and clearly:
if William & Mary were to
adopt Newspeak, it would be
doubleplusgood.
All of it.
VARIETY
Ding dong ditching the President’s house and other first-year traditions
The Botetourt Squat § August 23, 2021 § PAGE 4

BY DIXIE NORMOUS
HAHA. DING DONG.

F irst year traditions are an important part
of your freshman experience. They can
help you become more familiar with the
campus and the people who live in it, and
create memories that will last a lifetime.
Well, as long as you do them sober. There
are plenty of traditions you have to look
forward to including Convocation, the Yule
Log celebration, and everyone’s favorite: the
Last Day of Classes (LDOC). You can learn
about these all on the College’s website, but
some of the more exciting traditions are ones
you learn about through the grapevine, or
from a really cool OA. That brings us to ding
dong ditching the President’s house. If you
weren’t aware, our lovely President Rowe
lives in a house here on campus. Celebrities
really are just like us! If you’re going to
attempt this tradition, you need to have a
strategy. You can’t just ring the doorbell and
run back toward the Sunken Gardens, or
you’ll definitely be caught. Once you’re in
the hands of Katherine herself, well, there’s
no knowing what will become of you. Let’s
just say we have a cemetery on campus for a
reason. I recommend putting together a team
and having two escape plans; plan A and
plan B. Map out both your escape routes and
have your group study it thoroughly before
the strike. You could go for the classic Duck
Into The Side Yard, or you could try one of
my personal favorites, Scale The Building
And Wait On The Roof. This position gives
you a great view of your victim’s reaction.
Now, listen closely for the most crucial part
of the operation. Once you select your brave
soldier to ring the bell, make sure they leave
a copy of The Botetourt Squat™ on her
doorstep before fleeing. It’s the only proof
you’ll have of your mission.
Another tradition you won’t find on
William & Mary dot com is The Triathlon.
The best time to do the triathlon is after dark
(and after a few drinks), and don’t feel the
need to complete this all in one go. This
triathlon can be spread out over the course
of a few undignified nights. Unlike the well-
known sporting event, you won’t be riding
any bikes, but you sure will be going for a
swim. The first leg of The Triathlon is the
jump into the Crim Dell. The Crim Dell is
a creek near Sadler that holds the College’s
entire supply of chocolate milk. You could
jump in from the side, but anyone with style
knows you gotta jump from the bridge.
Don’t forget to have your friends film it for
proof. Previous Triathletes recommend a
bathing suit for this one, and following it
up with a low water pressure dorm shower.
The next task is one that you should reserve
for the closest members of your tribe: The
Sunken Garden Streak. It’s exactly what it
sounds like. Just you, some wet grass, and
the night. No clothes to get in your way. This
is actually part of the core requirements for
environmental science majors since it forces
you to connect with your inner primate and
become one with nature. By this point in
The Triathlon, you’re warmed up mentally
and physically for the last task in your quest:
climbing the wall of the Governor’s Palace.
And, yes, using the benches as your first
step does count as cheating. Remember to
warm up first because once you get over that
wall, you have to be able to climb back out.
After you complete all three challenges, take
your video proof to the WaWa and show the
cashier to get a free congratulatory drink of
your choice. Have fun participating in these
William & Mary traditions! Nothing brings
students together like algae and public
nudity. Roll Tribe!
Oh, and if you want to know about the other
triathlon, ask your local upperclassman.
Sorry, Swem librarians.
Note: The Botetourt Squat does not
condone any dangerous or criminal behavior.
Be prepared to answer to Cheesebro and be
locked in the Wren dungeon for your crimes.
Good luck!

Your Guide to Campus Publications

BY SQUEVE IRWIN either. anyone would actually want to
article. I even have Claire

R
SURPRISE, WE AREN’T THE ONLY ONE Hogan, Flat Hat Editor- OCKET Magazine: relive their past is beyond me,

T he Flat Hat: The In-Chief, on record saying W&M’s fashion magazine. but to each their own.
self-avowed “campus that “the Flat Hat is just an
newspaper” of William and elaborate money-laundering
Mary, the Flat Hat ostensibly scheme. Wait, Noah, how did
You want fashion advice?
Rocket has it. You want cool
photoshoots? Rocket has it. You
T he Botetourt Squat:
Asking me to describe
the Botetourt Squat is like
publishes news articles. you get into my house?” want class commentaries and asking me to fully describe a
However, between you and me,
dear reader, I’ve never seen the T
he Wren Journal: We
don’t talk about the Wren
Flat Hat actually publish an Journal. I suggest you do not
analyses on issues that plague
modern society? Rocket… also
has that.
magnificent sunset — no, it
would be harder. The Squat
is incredibly multifaceted,

A cropolis Magazine: ranging from art criticism

Acropolis is William to hard-hitting journalism
Press Replay with Becca K. and Mary’s art magazine.
They describe themselves as
to hilarious comedy pieces.
Headed by its glorious God-
the “premier… art criticism Emperor Rebecca Q. Klinger
publication” on campus, but and her second in command
This summer has been a time of
I personally think that the Lord-Doctor Noah Dominus
self-discovery, mostly thanks to
Squat’s godlike graphic design Broude, Esquire, the Squat has
my Discover Weekly. It’s probably
skills give them a run for their entered a glorious golden age
all stuff you’ve never heard but
money. of content, having an article for
weeohweeohweeohwee yOu JusT gOT every niche.
WEEZERED.
J ames Blair Historical
Review: The nerd journal
for nerds who love nerd history. The Botetourt Squat is media
(Editor’s note: the author of boiled down to its essence. If
Becca K. is a Movie major whose this article is a history major.) you need to see current news,

C
personality is defined by her Spotify come to the Squat.
playlists, Crocs, and White Cheddar olonial Echo: The
Cheez-It Grooves. One time, Smash Mouth college’s yearbook. Why
sent her free merch.
 The Botetourt Squat August 23, 2021 PAGE 5

What to Wear to Convocation: A Comprehensive Guide

BY TAYLOR SWIFT’S WIFE
PREMIER FASHION TIPS
F or freshmen, the first day of classes
is full of many new experiences, with
one of those being Convocation. You sit
squashed next to your entire freshman
class (and this year the sophomore class
is participating too!) to hear some sort of
motivational speech about how college
will be the best time of your life. Some
say that walking through the Wren
Building is the highlight of convocation
but those people are WRONG!!!! It’s a
little known fact that Convocation is also
home to William & Mary’s annual fashion
show that goes from Wren building to the
Sunken Gardens. Even though I have
never been able to attend a convocation
in-person due to a certain unnamed virus,
I am still the foremost expert of fashion
on campus and you have to follow all of
my advice to ensure that you are the best-
dressed at Convocation.
First, everyone needs to start off with a
fashion-statement top to build your outfit
around. I’d recommend wearing one of
the hottest fashions from Paris Fashion
Week, a MILF — Man I Love Fortnite —
t-shirt. This shirt is a timeless addition to
anyone’s wardrobe and will help set you
apart from your other peers who might opt
for a frat-esque button-up shirt or a floral
blouse. This MILF shirt will show that
you not only are a fan of the best game of
all time, but will also gain you the respect
of anyone who sees you wear it.
that you and all of your friends should be
wearing to convocation this year. Rumor
has it that this year’s speaker, Jen Psaki,
will even be donning a pair of Pickle Rick
pants herself. These are a classic item of
clothing that show that you have an elite
sense of humor and make Rick and Morty
your entire personality. Have a bonding
moment with your hall and make sure that
you all are sporting Pickle Rick pants at
convocation this year.
Shoes can make or break your outfit,
so it is very VERY important to listen to
my advice about what footwear to bring.
Crocs are the hottest shoe on campus, and
the most popular type of croc — also the
sexiest crocs — are the Lighting McQueen
crocs. Wearing these to Convocation will
have many people telling you “Kachow”
and asking you how you got these hot
commodities. I cannot stress enough how
important it is for you to wear Lightning
McQueen crocs around campus to ensure
that you gain the respect of your peers.
Even President Katherine Rowe has been
seen sporting a pair of these stunning
crocs around campus, and is even ordering
a custom made set of these crocs for her
cat as well.
Now that you have picked out your top,
bottom, and crocs, it’s important to pick
out the best accessories for your outfit. A
hat is a good choice, and I’d recommend
sporting a JoJo Siwa hat with an attached
ponytail, so you can show your support for
this iconic wlw queen. A facemask with
the emoji with a simple “#goingcrazy”
message is a great way to show that
you’re NOT going to go crazy during
your first semester. If you’re looking to
accessorise with jewelry, I’d recommend
some silly bands, light-up earrings, and
a squishmallow necklace so that you’re
the coolest cat at the convocation fashion
show.
I hope you took all of this advice to
heart, and I hope to see YOU sporting this
iconic, timeless, sexy outfit at convocation
this year!

Now that we’ve picked out a

shirt to wear, now it’s time to find a
complementary bottom that will make the
top shine. According to Vogue magazine,
jeans, khakis, and all other traditionally
“formal” bottoms are out of fashion and
should be burned immediately. They also
recommend wearing more casual clothing
to formal settings so that people can see
what a pogchamp that you are. Pickle Rick
pajama bottoms are absolutely the pants
SPECIAL REPORTS
Masterclass in Passive Aggressive Communication with your Roommate
The Botetourt Squat § August 23, 2021 § PAGE 5

BY CUM P. YOOTER
INVEST IN GRANNYCOIN Writing messages on post-it notes and relative, brands and all.

I magine, if you will. You and your
roommate were good friends, or you
hit it off well in your graduating class’
Facebook group, or you were too scared
to reach out and went with a random
person. Now that you’re living together,
you simply can’t stand them. It seems like
every single thing they do is a purposeful
and targeted attack on your wellbeing.
Should you mention this to them? Politely
ask them to stop doing something that
annoys you? Establish some ground rules?
Absolutely not. That would be too much
confrontation and if you made it to this hell
of a school, you are too much of a bottom
for that. Now is the time to implement the
reliable tactic of passive aggression.
leaving them for your roommate to find
is an obvious strategy, but what’s more
important is the WAY you say things. The
most effective form of passive aggression
is one that makes your subject feel guilty
and uncomfortable, so as to avoid any
repercussions for your behavior. The secret
ingredient for this is (drumroll) grandmas.
Now let me provide an example.
Tired of your roommate taking your
snacks? Simply put them on a paper
plate with plastic wrap and write a note
in cursive from the perspective of your
grandma saying how much she knows you
enjoy that snack and how she hand made
it specially for you. When your roommate
reads that, they’ll feel bad for taking your
food that was made lovingly by your
Is your roommate not cleaning as well
as you’d like? Write a letter from your
“grandma” about how she’s not able to
see you anymore because of the dust you
track into her house when you visit (she’s
allergic, of course). If only someone could
clean your room then you’d be able to see
your beloved relative again! Bonus points
if you add drops of water to the letter to
feign tear drops.
This is just a sample of the power of
mastery of passive aggression, hopefully
it allows you to more devastatingly bend
your roommate to your whims without
actually addressing the root causes of your
issues. But as the old man said, all’s fair
in love, war, and freshman dorms. Happy
manipulating!

This is a Threat:
A Poem
BY SAINT ELMO
A s I strolled this morning toward
Landrum, ‘long Ukrop Way
I was struck all at once by the beauty
of this place.
Where green trees caress warm brick
inside the yellow day,
This Is Not An Article I Am
BY DIXIE NORMOUS
Trapped In GGV STOCK UP ON RAID LIKE
ITS TOILET PAPER IN
T o whoever is reading, this is my final
attempt at communication with the
outside world. At the time I am writing
MARCH 2020

How have my admirations for so
long been misplaced?
As I passed DuPont the slow decay
was clear to me at last,
In my younger days our industries
behind brick was held fast.
Out of ignorance or arrogance our
generators now are held behind glass;
Somebody forgot that the heist of
our futures should be hidden behind
our past.
Pedagogy with Noah B.
Fun fact of the day: None of this
is real. You have to wake up. Your
family is getting scared. Please
wake up. Please wake—
Noah Broude is a history and
linguistics major who spends most
of his time telling people what
linguistics actually is.
I have been stuck in my dorm room for
three days, six hours, and 47 minutes. I
am running low on food, and my only
source of water is from the constant
drip of my ceiling into an empty simply
to go fruit cup. The roaches are starting
to look pretty appetizing, I won’t lie. I
haven’t felt the sweet sweet breeze of
an air conditioning unit in so long that
I have forgotten what it feels like to not
be sweating.
Why am I trapped here, you ask?
As many residents know all too well,
the Green and Gold Village is home to
its very own thriving ecosystem. Ants,
roaches, and at one time a rumored
garden snake all call these units home.
Surprise roommates, if you will. As you
can imagine, this sort of arrangement
can cause some tension, especially
when you wake up to a roach sharing
your pillow. The main threat at the
moment, however, are the ants.
Over the years they have formed two
rival gangs, one on the eastern side of
the Village and the other on the western
side. Their personal conflicts have kept
us out of the line of fire for some time
now, but they seemed to have realized
that they can accomplish much more if
they work together. Earlier this week,
the two major ant colonies put aside
their differences to team up against
the residents. The Griffin and Eagle
colonies have combined forces to
infiltrate Lion, and they’re gaining
more ground each day. I have already
lost many of my hallmates to the battle,
and as far as I know I may be the only
one left. Communications were cut off
yesterday when the ants changed the
wifi password. Eduroam can’t help me
now. I’m planning on folding this letter
into a paper airplane and sending it
towards Yates in hope that one of their
residents will pick it up in their mango
nicotine-induced stupor. As far as my
next move goes, I can tell that my can of
Raid is nearing empty and I’m running
out of options. Tomorrow I’m going to
meet with the head ant from the Griffin
colony to go over their demands and try
to stop this madness. I have a plan to
get rid of them completely, but it relies
heavily on my ability to get my hands
on twelve gallons of white vinegar. It’s
risky, but it’s the best shot we have.
If you find this letter, my time may
be up and the ants may have won this
war. Hopefully I will succeed in my
mission and GGV will be ready to
house students again. Either way, I
might not make it. If all goes well and
you’re living in GGV this year, you
know who to thank. Make sure to bring
a can of Raid just in case, and don’t let
your guard down.
OPINION FACT
Why William & Mary’s Landscaping Plans are Economically Efficient
BY JOHNATHON C. DEERE
BECAUSE MONEY IS REAL
Eagle-eyed observers around campus,
such as myself, may have noticed a yearly
tradition by the school’s administration.
This cycle begins in spring. First, plants are
placed and potted delicately in communal
areas around campus. Over the months,
these plants thrive long into the harsh
Virginian summers. Then fall arrives and
the air begins to chill. Non-native plant life
dies off during the brutal Virginian winters.
Fortunately, spring comes again. With it,
spring brings a veritable army of landscapers
and plant-tenders to replant the stretch of
land between the frat houses and GGV, the
area in front of Caf, and anywhere else that
once housed non-native plants. Some might
argue that this is a waste of time, money, and
effort. They are misguided.
In fact, this is a brilliant allocation
of scarce resources! If not for the sacrifice
of Caf’s palm trees, where would the
landscapers go? Who would fill that role?
How could William & Mary provide jobs
for people in the local community? Some
may argue that they would simply help
others create gardens filled with native
plants. While this is possible, it’s hardly
a way to stay employed. It’s far better for
the economy to keep the dollars flowing.
Similarly, it’s better for the environment.
Student Media Groups Relegated To Active Construction Site
BY MAYOR McCHEESE
PLEASE WE JUST WANT A BREAD CRUMB
F riday, August 20, student media
organizations at the College of William
and Mary were informed that they were
moving offices. No longer content to stick
them in the asbestos-laden floodplain of
Campus Center, college officials informed
students that they had new offices: in the
active construction zone of Phi Beta Kappa
memorial hall.
When asked about this decision, high-
ranking officials pointed to a lack of usable
classroom space.
“I mean listen, you have to understand
that 95% of our classroom space is reserved
for intro-level biology and economics
classes,” said Gandalf Butterfinger, dean
of classrooms at the College. “That leaves
very little room for the other majors. Plus,
we need to make sure that the arts kids know
they’re unwelcome here.”
Indeed, the former media organization
offices in Campus Center will now house
The Botetourt Squat § August 23, 2021 § PAGE 7
Indeed, the repeated deaths of palm trees
allow for more trees to be planted! Where
else would they go if not where their
fallen brethren stood? And to assuage the
more environmentally savvy among my
readership, palm trees are native along the
coast of North Carolina. That environment
is very similar to the peninsula of Virginia.
Therefore, they can hardly be invasive.
Perhaps you might be thinking that non-
native plants are worse for the economy
because it doesn’t bring any meaningful
benefits to anyone. Instead, they just shift
money around. Native plants, surely,
would be cheaper and easier in the long
run. Therefore, the money would be better
classrooms for Theatre, Speech, and Dance,
leaving some to question the validity of the
decision.
“Listen, I don’t mind the asbestos, I mean
we’re wearing masks anyway,” said Wanda
Kim ‘24, a Theatre major at the college.
“But it’s pretty hard to deliver a convincing
monologue when you’re standing in three
inches of water.”
For other students, the new surroundings
provide creative inspiration.
“I just pretend I’m delivering my speech
to the rats,” Candice McNag ‘22 said.
“They’re a surprisingly receptive audience.
I mean, some of them are roughly the size of
a college freshman, and they actually give
pretty good feedback, so I’m not mad at it.”
Media organizations have also had to
adjust to their new surroundings, relegated
to the PBK construction zone. Each
organization was given hard hats and a
command to “figure it out,” from college
administrators. With little direction in the
chaotic dirt-strewn landscape, the college’s
spent investing in our school’s professors or
cleaning staff, right? Unfortunately for you,
this is not the case. It is the very definition of
a free-market system that the money spent
in it is an efficient allocation of resources! If
the people will that plants must be planted,
then plants must be planted!
Though a subject of intensely hot debate
around campus, opinion pieces about this
topic are necessarily incorrect. Money is
most efficiently spent in the areas that our
school’s administration has deemed so.
Accordingly, for the sake of our economy,
next time you see the landscapers out and
about, thank them. If not for them, what else
could we spend our tuition on?
media organizations have turned to a Mad
Max-style free-for-all.
According to our reporters, Flat Hat
staffers have begun to dig a complex cave
system under the construction site, whereas
members of the Botetourt Squat have
decided to stay in tents along the fence
line. WCWM is still hosting concerts under
the dystopian steel beams of PBK, but the
music is largely drowned out by loud beeps
and the crash of rubble. The Colonial Echo
is committed to delivering the college’s
yearbook, but given the lack of computers,
paper, or even cameras, they have resorted
to scrawling designs in the mud.
The College has promised that media
organizations will have new offices after the
completion of the Sadler West expansion,
but the Squat has reason to doubt the veracity
of those claims. Last night, at around 2am,
Squat reporters saw President Rowe with
an axe outside Sadler, chopping electrical
wires and wooden beams and causing
wanton destruction, all while chanting “the
construction must never be done!”
¿SP
SPÖÖRT AND REVIÜ? The Botetourt Squat § August 23, 2021 § PAGE 8
Ligma Variant Sweeping through W&M Population
BY MAYOR McCHEESE
YALL THINK THIS IS FUNNY? COVID test, repeatedly chanting “We thought we’d caught an Mary population, largely because

B REAKING — On the heels “nussy, nussy, nussy” presumably outbreak in the frat houses,” nobody here fucks anyway.
of numerous COVID-19 a portmanteau of “nose” and said Amy Settling, director of Still, due to the rise in Ligma
mutations such as Lambda and “pussy.” operations. “But it turns out that cases, new public health measures
Delta, a new strain of the virus has However, these symptoms are they were just really, really stupid.” are being considered for the
been discovered on the William and increasingly hard to identify, Ligma is actually a sub-strain William and Mary population,
Mary campus: the Ligma variant. especially in populations such of the COVID variant Sugma, including increased masking,
Unlike its predecessors, Ligma as Greek Life who already whose symptoms are similar limits on group activities, and a
has mild physical symptoms, but demonstrate a broken sense of except for an increased sexual strict ban on reading The Botetourt
carries deep psychological effects. humor. appetite. Fortunately, the Sugma Squat.
The first documented Ligma variant is rare in the William and
patient, Noah Broude ‘23, first
noticed symptoms while reading
an old issue of the Botetourt Squat.
“It was weird,” Broude said.
“The jokes were objectively not
funny, I mean, did they even try?
But I just couldn’t stop laughing,
even when every article was just
the same variation on a piss kink
joke.”
A few days later, multiple new
cases of the Ligma variant were
reported around campus, as throngs
of giggling students careened
through the streets of Williamsburg.
One student was found hysterically
laughing outside the police station,
after discovering the police chief’s
name was “Cheesebro.” Another
was discovered after a nasal swab

A Squirrel’s Sweet Soliloquy

BY A CONCERNED BIG BOI
I am but a teeny squirrel
Deserving of all love and joy
I saw a car today and
In my mind said, “Oh Boy! Oh Boy!”
I sneak across the road
Hoppity hop like my friend, the toad
I like to play this game so much!
Scare the shit out of humans, a bunch, a
bunch!
I make them think, “will he run any
further”
They roll so slowly up to me
and I see my window of opportunity
I run quickly in a circle
I speed so fast I become a swirl
As I, a tornado, am stretched higher and
higher
My giant pectorals until I hear them Yelp
I become a massive spire
I’ve bulked up, I’ve hulled up as much as
Fling them from my grasp and into the sea
(To the Atlantic from Williamsburg, I’m
I can
A magician I am like a man named Stan
And bulk I do Up, Up, and Up
And I see those in the car, they mouth “Oh
Fuck”
My muscles ripple and roar, stretching to
fit my core
I’m as big as Scrappy Doo
In that live action Scooby Doo
And oh I crave the fear in their eyes
When they see my big Chonky thighs
They tremble in terror
But oh, I am fairer
Than my other squirrel friends
In fact, I enact revenge
On the humans that stole my brother
They cooked him after they smothered
Then held him in their fridge in a dorm
Those college students, I hate them, I
scorn
Well, one day I decided to transform
So I did lol
Back to the squealers in front of me
I lift up their car and smile with glee
I bench press a few more to help
Wanna join the
And I, now god, the last thing they see Squat? It’s easy!
Join our Facebook
very strong) group “Botetourt
And very smart, and I don’t think it’s
wrong Squat Secret HQ,”
from there you can
They killed him for food
Now I kill them for fun find Zoom and group chat info. If
A game I’ll play with them all you want to contact us, or submit an
One article, write to
by one
by one botetourtsquat@email.wm.edu.