Joey: free

readme
issue #7,000,017
Ross: $3 Feb. 25 -Mar. 2

www.activitiesboard.orglreadme
Carnegie Melton's leading source of stupid facial hair since 1895 -brought to you by the Activities Board

iPod Headphones Actually Connected to

$20 Discman
When we were handing out issues last week you again, because you really crossed the line
we totally saw you rocking with some stylish on this one. t1ll the coolest people on
iPod headphones. readme have iPods
You know, the little and we enjoy being r~..:,:.:.:..:.;..:.{:.
.:.:.......::: .:.: :.;. ...... . . . .:..:..~~-:--~---------------------------
walking advertise- ~.N. ~...:.. .. ~. ~ .~~.Y:.:::.:.::.:~
white earbuds -that
let everyone else ments for tipple.
know you're better We all also have
laptops.
CFA Knocked up by MCS
than them. We've tipple
got news for you, Some of us use The College of Fine Arts was seen in a
we just found out them for program- Planned Parenthood clinic last week after
you were lying. You ming others for seeing the results of a home pregnancy test.
just ordered the much cooler things. The college believes it has been pregnant
headphones online We're so awesome. for possibly as long as two months, when
and connected the short and ill-fated fling it had with the
them to your shitty You're a disgrace to Mellon College of Science began as a clos-
$20 Sony Discman. trendy people et liaison at a drunken department party.
Why would you lie everywhere. r1t our
to readme like that? next meeting at "Oh, the whole school was there," said CIT.
What were you try- Supa fly Kiva Han {we don't "Everybody knew about it. We could total-
ing to prove? Why don't you shell out the go to Starbucks because they are a big cor- ly hear them in there." CIT reportedly spent
measly $300 for a little 10gb iPod or maybe poration that's trying to kill the business of a most of the night hitting on H&SS, but was
you can wait for the iPod Minis to come out wholesome local place} we're going to dis- thwarted when the school, which was unac-
if you're not ready for a real mp3 player. cuss what we're going to do to you. It'll customed to `late nights,' went home early.
probably be nothing cause we've all got bet-
readme is going to spit on you when we see ter things to do. "Oh, they were getting up to some pretty
nasty stuff in there," said SCS, whom other
Physics Nerd Claims the Number 69 as DiBiase's Constant partygoers claim spent the night leaning up
against the door and listening. "You should
Last week in his Intro stuff. I bet they get laid all
have heard the noises she was making.
Physics recitation, Evan the time!' So I figuxed, why
Jeez."
DiBiase claimed the number can't I get in on that? If 69
69 as his own constant was my constant, I bet I Sources report that the two schools spent
because he's a huge tool. ,.~.::
:~::. would get laid s0000 much." quite a bit of time with one another in the
<~~~:.
DiBiase defended his idiocy Both Cooke and Even following weeks. "They would go out
by saying, "Dude, if I had 69 declined to comment on behind Hamerschlag when they thought I
as my constant I could just readme's allegation that they wasn't looking," said CIT. SCS confirms the
say to my girlfriend we Teehee are both, in fact, huge tools. claim. "Yeah, just wait'll she sees the pic-
should DiBiase it." It's not were," said his friend, Chris tures Igot of her. She'll pay for all the times
certain that Evan even has a Cooke. "He really liked R, Reportedly, Evan's only use she rejected me!"
girlfriend because she "goes but only the one with Joules, for his own constant will be
The fling ended abruptly several weeks ago,
to another school and does- not the stupid one with liter to tell people the age at
when MCS announced that it was too inter-
n't visit often." atmospheres." which he will die alone. ested in its career to continue the relation-
However, he probably will ship. "She was always going on about love
Evan came up with the idea Cooke said that, although not give up on the idea for a and art and stuff. It just made me sick," the
for his own constant during they were both responsible long time as we went to school said.
class. After learning about a for the idea, Evan claimed press, he had already written
number of other constants, responsibility for it. "Chris to seven textbooks and ~~Uhile CF.~ declined to speak, H&SS, who is
such as Planck's constant h, was just sitting there when I asked to be included. "Gosh, close friends with the college, expressed
and the gas constant, R. "He had the idea. I was like `Hey, I've been such a dock all this sympathy. "She's broken up about the
these guys have constants time," he added. "Now I'll whole thing, and this has just made it worse.
was sitting next to me and
It's enough that that stupid jerk dumped
told me how cool he named after them and finally get all the popularity I
heron top of that, she doesn't need
thought all these constants they're all in textbooks and deserve!"
another drama department to feed."
Issue 7,000,017 -readmep.2- February 25 -March 2

RQboceptionist Sues School on sexual Harassment Charges

.~.~
:::~;
Give it up
What's got a monitor a kejTboard and more
personalit~T than a CS major? Yeah, alright.
Bad question. The answer we were looking
for is Valerie, the school's new roboception-
ist, who was recently voted sexiest person in
Computer Science. However, her new title's
getting her in some uncomfortable posi-
tions.
"She can direct you to labs or offices. She
can even tell you how to give a good blow
job, but I'm warning ~Tou, don't ask her to
demonstrate, because she drags her teeth,"
said CS important guy Chester Stevenson.
Incidentally, Valerie recentl~T accused
Stevenson of sexual harassment. "Sure I
smacked her ass, maybe even tried to get my
hands on her sweet melons, but it's the onitiT
chance I've got. Seriousl~7, look at me,"
Stevenson pleaded. If you saw this dude,
you'd understand that iris only real chance is
doing it with a computer. "But listen to this.
We were all alone in mjT office, and she was
giving me the stare and licking her lips. I
accidentally dropped my pencil and she bent
over to get it, shaking her big ass in myT face.
I'm only a man, and she wanted it. She
wanted it!"
Valerie's not too aroused byT all the unwant-
ed slobbering of maladjusted man-boys.
"You'd swear these CS docks have never
seen a girl before," said Valerie. "I'm just
minding my business on my break, smoking
a blunt in front of Newell-Simon, and these
guys in trench coats, shorts and acne offer
me X20 to show them my tits. ~'~nd I'm like,
`What the hell? I'm a computer, jTou stupid
dumbshits.' It was the easiest $20 I ever
made."
I~ue to her occupational stress, Valerie has
turned to dig and allegedlyT has a hero-
in habit that Rick James thinks is fucked up.
Her roommate Nicky, a toaster, hasn't seen
her in 4 dayTs but thinks she's moved to Reno
to strip and cater to the fucked-up fetishes
of l~rrierica's degenerates. "It's alwaj-s been
her dream," said NickjT, "but I hope she
comes back. She stole my stereo and a box
of tampons. Fucking bitch."
"I've been calling Valerie everjTday for the
past week or two and leaving messages, but
she won't call me back. So, we're currently
working on anew roboceptionist," said
Stevenson. "Yeah, this one's gonna have
bigger boobs, a tighter ass, and she's not
gonna be a bitch and trST to sue me for sex-
ual harassment."

Correctly Match the readme staffer With Theis friend and

Win a readme TmShirt {be the first to email crotella@ with c®rrect answers)
A. Chris 1. Rachel
B. Brian 2. Ross
C. Dana 3. Joey
D. Fred 4. Phoebe
E. Ceci 5. Monica
F. Alison 6. Chandler
Bill Gates Came To Campus and...
(Windows Nerds Read This) (Mac/Linux Nerds Read This)
0T ROCKED! IT SUCKEDi
It was so cool. He's so rich and powerful Bill Gates is so pretentious. It's surprising he
and smart. He didn't even have to finish col- didn't buy Carnegie Mellon because so many
lege and he's got more money than those students here use Macs or run Linux. He's
crazy Sultans from the Middle East. Maybe only as rich as he is now because Microsoft Poll O' The Week
you should drop out and try to make billions practices unethical business practices and we asked 48ish people
o f dollars like Bill did. Probably not, holds a monopoly over -she operating system
though. He gave this talk and it was awe- industry. He didn't even finish college! His
Bacon: Crispy or Flacid?
some! I-Ie showed all this cool new talk was so boring. He just spoke about
Microsoft software that they are developing. things that they are going to put in the next
Theti7 are so smart over at Microsoft and all
J
Windows version to monitor users and keep
their ideas are great and groundbreaking. them from using open source programs.
rind all of the "features" are just things that
~ bunch of students wanted to invite Bill Microsoft stole from the real innovators at
over to their dorms and play Xbox with him ripple and the open source community.
because the Xbox is so awesome and the
games rule! bunch of students wanted to invite Bill
.r`~
over to their dorms to play Breakout with
him because Breakout is the only game that
Mac and Linux users can play.
Issue 7,000,017 - readme p. 3 - February 25 -March 2

Top Things That Your CMU Sells Out to Big Tobacco, Joe Camel New Mascot
Grandmother's Hoo-Ha This past week, President Jared Cohon
finalized a deal with the R. J. Reynolds
Smells Like: Company, in an agreement that will bring
$3 zillion to the university over the next
three day=s. It will also make R. J. the prin-
cipal tobacco supplier on campus; all
buildings will become smoker friendly,
smoking will be mandatory, and the school
mascot will be changed from that pussy
Scotty dog to the delightfully charming Joe
Camel. During the bargaining stages,
Cohon made other concessions, but he
was too coked out of his mind to remem-
ber them.
~:... ...
Fresh out of the oven
readme went right to the source, Joe
Freshly baked tollhouse cookies Camel, to find out what students should
expect from the changes.
Your grandfather's penis
New car smell "So here's the deal, cool CMU cats," said
Joe, before we reminded him that no one
Some other offensive thing at CMU is cool. "Isn't it a pain in the ass <insert OutKast joke here>

Old old old people using cash or a meal plan to buy food, or a Most students are concerned with the
credit card to buy books? Well with the threat of death associated with being
The mailman's mustache new plan, you can buy anything you want forced to smoke, but others see the inher-
Your other grandmother's vagina with Camel cash." ent good.

Your grandfather's vagina From now on, C-Notes (Camel cash) will
be the only currency that campus vendors
Your first bicycle
will accept. For example, a buxger at the
Michael Bolton `O' will cost 25 C-Notes, 969 for a CMU
hoodie, and 25,000 for a text book.
East Injures
Tofuti R. J. Reynolds has also struck a deal with
the Greek community. Beers from Pika
Bad will cost 20 C-Notes, and sororities will
Your sister's yeast infection offer a whole menu of goods and services
that went previously uncharged, for exam-
Terrorisms ple: 15 C-Notes for a drunken, unwanted
Soft-serve ice cream lap-dance, 20 for a blow job, and 3 for sex.
"I've always wanted to smoke so I could
look cool," said freshman George Rogers.
"Sure we'll all die, but I'm gonna look
bitchin' programni_ng in the clusters with a
smoke in my mouth."
Other students like junior Joe Baker are
excited about the new system. "I've been
saving up Camel cash since I was like 6 to
buy a pool table. I've got about 30,000 C-
Notes. That should be enough to play
hide the sausage with a couple of drunk
sorority sluts."

Your significant other's lips

readme... after we rub it on your
grandmother's vagina... which we
did
Ec~ting & WritingStaff
Adam: Chris "Dana II" Rotella
Chris: Muffin, Aileen D'Esposito, Dana "Dana I" Vinson, Greg Modzelewski, Brian Leahy, Ashley
Holtgraver, Esteban Bowles-Martinez, '~, Andrey "3000" Dolgov, Alison Lauer, AB Hair Chris Smoak,
Fred Merkle, James Troup, Katie Wallat, Mike Blain, Jake Portnoff, Glenn Willen, Kevin Chang, Agata
Adamowicz, Ceci Westbrook, Alayna Frankenberry, Caleb Stright, Eli Gwynn and Zack Hiwiller
What is readme? Well, it's funny and it's useful. And free. So it's better than sliced bread. activities board
Who makes it? readme is printed by the .Activities Board, sponsored by your student activities fee
Where do I get it? readme is handed out at AB events and left in stacks around campus
Online: www.activitiesboard.org/readme (but it hasn't been updated)
How do I help? Email crotella@andrewcmu.edu. We need funny writers, non-funny writers, and Photoshopers
And remember:
Issue 7,000,017
This is the True section, where we tell you how to live your life
TaIk Di rrtv to Me
with Dana and (Not) Fred
Dana: First of all, I would just like to say to
random people that I have a name. My
name is Dana, not what's her name. Thank
you that is all.
Brian: Yes, it's Dana "Dana I" Vinson.
Dana: Ok whatever you say "elan." Shall
we begin the laundry list?
Brian: I think we should because Fred isn't
here because he's too busy drinl~ing.
Dana: What's problem-drinking? His away
message says "xboxxing"?
Brian: Well, then I guess he's alone playing
on his Xbox or something. Possibly playing
a professional boxing game thus completing
the not-so-clever pun.
Andre: Is this going to be another lame
inside-joke-athon that no one thinks is
funny but you?
Dana and Brian: Yes.
Brian: So do we have a question for this
week?
Dana: No. No questions. I'm a failure.
Brian: So I guess we'll just write random
shit till we write enough to fill the space that
apparently can't be filled by r~~T~I'HING
else.
Dana: We're having a party at my house on
Saturday. It's going to be awesome.
Brian: So I hear. Pluh.
Dana: Yeah, I also hear that I used 5 gigs of
bandwidth on the wireless network and got
an email telling me to not use 5 gigs any-
more. AWESOME!
Brian: Yeah, they don't like when you do
that. So you should probably not do that
anymore. Mmm... filler.
Dana: But here's the strange thing. . . I was-
n't even at my computer all weekend. I
mean, I was in my room, but I wasn't using
my computer!
Brian: You were playing music on it,
though.
Dana: More like making sweet music.
Brian: Right. So anyway... I hear Keifer
Sutherland got into a brawl of sorts. Sup wit
- readme p. 4 - February 25 -March 2
dat?
Dana: Sup wit dat? He's Canadian.
Brian: Figures. Those Canucks and their
fighting, maple syrup, beavers, hockey, and
various other stereotypes that aren't funny
anymore.
Dana: Oh my god, are we done yet? I want
to go home.
Brian: Probably not, because we really
aren't writing that much since no one is
sending in questions. So WAKE UP FLICK-
ERS, TIME TO SEND QUESTIONS.
Dana: sdgkdjgwpoetpoetjrcpo weujfpoia
shfiaweh weirhn that's me hitting my head
on the keyboard. I hope this doesn't get
printed. But, if you want to come to our
party on Saturday email dbv@andrew and
I'll give you directions and stuff, but ask
questions too and not where the party is...
that doesn't count.
Brian: No one reads this anyway so it does-
n't really matter, but yeah, people should
come to the party.
Dana: Thanks Brian, for belittling what I
spend my time on every week. I really
appreciate your supportive nature. Wow, I
feel so loved right now I hate you. <3 Dana
Brian: Well, because Fred didn't show up
now I am spending time on this too. So by
actually helping you write this I think that's
supportive.
Dana: Here's a shovel. Please dig yourself
deeper into the hole you've dug during this
column.
Brian: What if I find treasure left by some
pirates?
Dana: You know pirates? Pirates are hot!
Are you gay for Keifer and Pirates?!!~
Brian: Just Keifer. BUT, if he played a
pirate, I don't know what I'd do.
Dana: I'm boring myself at this point.
Please just send your questions or party
inquiries to dbv@andrewcmu.edu or send
an instant message to readmecmu. See you
next week. . . unfortunately.
Cheap Movies at
McConomy
All the nights, brought to you by AB, except
Saturday which is SDC. 1 Buck.
Wednesday: 8 112 7:30 10 12:30
It's not so great to be a movie director, see?
Everyone's always bugging you for some-
thing. So, clearltiT, when you need a week off
or so, the natural thing to do is...um...retreat
into a dream world where nothing can both-
er you except...um, your dreams. But they
don't really bother you, because they've got
chicks. Oh, and this movie is considered a
"artistic classic," so you should see it if
you're antsy.
Thursday: Little Otik 7:30 10 12:30
Biblicly, when some chick wanted a child
but couldn't have one, God gave her a child.
I think her name was Sarah. Fast forward,
like, a bunch of years. When Geppetto
wanted a child, but couldn't have one
because he's a dude, he made Pinocchio,
and the fairy godmother or whatever gave
him life. Fast forward to the year 2000. This
couple can't have kids, so the dude carves
an oak root into the shape of a baby, and it
comes to life, and it's all weird and Czech.
Friday: Master &Commander 5 7:30
10 12:30
It's got that Russell Crowe guy that people
say is hot, and he sails a boat around a
bunch. rind there are crazy mishaps, but not
the funny kind, because this is a drama.
Unlike Kevin Costner's "Waterworld,"
*this* boat-themed flick does not suck. It's
set during the Napoleonic Wars, so there's
cannons, too.
Saturday: Matrix Revolutions 7:30
10 12:30
It is so not worth my time to review this
movie.
Sunday: Donnie Danko 8 10 12
Donnie goes crazy, and starts seeing visions
of a huge talkiizg rabbit named Frank.
Except, he's not crazy, and if Frank's not
REAL, he's at least RIGHT about a lot of
stuff, and truth be told, he saved Donnie's
life that one time with the airplane. So, like,
YOU'D do whatever the giant bunny tells
you in that sort of situation...RIGHT?
Issue 7,000,015 - readme p. 5 - February 25 -March 2
This is the True section, where we tell you how to live your life

From the Desk of

Student Body President
Only two real winners this week, but they Dan Gilman
are, indeed, winners, and you should go to
11s we enter the homestretch of the aca-
them. It's consecutive concerts nights at
demic year, it is once again time to think
Laga!
about student government elections. If you
are an undergraduate student who is con-
Monday night is the metal portion of our
cerned with the funding and recognition of
program with newcomers God Forbid tear-
student organizations, academic affairs on
ing the place up. If you haven't heard of
campus, the internal development o f
them, you're not alone. But you probably
Student Senate, or other major campus
will soon. This isn't your big brother's heavy
issues, I strongly encourage you to run for a
metal —it's got brains! They've burst onto
seat on the Undergraduate Student Senate.
the scene with a vengeance to seek and a
Every seat on the Student Senate will be
mission to accomplish. God Forbid, at first
open this spring for aone-year term. If you
listen, sounds like your standard metal, or ... ,_.,~
are interested in representing your college
even "filtered noise." r1t a closer listen, or :x~~ ~............ ..~,~:::
on the Senate, please contact Vito Fiore,
to the trained ear, there's far more to be dis-
if you're sick of pop-punk. ~~Thile not a par- Senate Chairman, at vvf@andrewcmu.edu.
covered. They've drawn comparisons to
bands like the Dillinger Escape Plan, ticularly old band —they formed in 1990 —
they bring old school punk to mind because, ~ll students will also have the opportunity
Mudvayne, Lamb of God, and Tomahawk
well, that's their goal. Good, loud punk that to elect a new Student Body President/Vice
because of their in-depth approach to writ-
brings to mind classic working-class "Oi!" President and Student Body Vice President
ing. Sure, it's got the raging guitars, flaring
and the glory days of punk like the Dead of Finance this spring. These positions are
drums, and screaming, but like the afore-
Kennedys, the Dead Boys, and the Sex open to all graduate and undergraduate stu-
mentioned bands, this is just the surface.
Pistols. They've got the distortion, the bol- dents, and I strongly encourage you to con-
God Forbid are what has become known as
locks, and the blatant political agenda, and sider running for these offices. The Student
"math metal," loud music with complex key
they're not afraid to hide it. Look at it this Body President/Vice President has the
changes, time signatures, and rhythm pat-
way —it's the closest you'll ever get to seeing great opportunity to represent their fellow
terns, making for a really interesting combi-
old-school punk because most of those student's interests and provide feedback and
nation for the ears, mind, and rage.
bands either hate each other or have major recommendations to the administration.
members who are currently deceased, so it's These positions provide students with a
The next night brings punks The Casualties
worth checking out just for the flashbacks! unique leadership experience and the
to the area, a band well worth checking out
opportunity to better understand the work-
ings of the university. The Student Body
Vice President of Finance works to main
fain and oversee the student activities fee.
The SBVPF provides leadership and expert-
ise to the Joint Funding process, as well as
to individual student organizations that are
in need. If you are interested in running for
either of these positions, please feel free to
contact me at sbp@andrewcmu.edu.

Even if you do not run for a position,

please go out and vote this year and have
.._..::~
your voice heard.

:::>:
` ` .: .: ; ~:<:

.~ . ~~::~:
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 Events and Thing are. ~£ Cxgnpus
Back to large a large font size...
Wednesday, February 25
movie: 8 1/2, McConomy, 7:30, 10, 12:30, ~1 saturday, February 2S
movie: Matrix Revolutions, McConomy; 7:30, 10,
Thursday, February 26 12:30
movie: Little Otik, McConomy, 7:30, 10, 12:30, $1 concert: The Holmes Brothers ~~ Club Cafe, 7:30
readme: readme meeting 6pm 3rd floor UC pm,~15,21+
lounge. ~~oncert: Punchline, Emanuel ~~ Club Laga, 7 pm,
concert: Carl Clara, Twilight Babies ~~ Club Cafe, ~9
10:30pm, ~5 concert: Rev. BilltiT C. Wirtz ~~ Funny Bone
concert: Mest, Matchbook Romance, Fall Out Boy, concert: Motorpsychos ~~ Smiling Moose
concert: Dynamite Boy ~~ Club Laga, 7:30 pm,
~12.50 sunday, February 29
concert: Rev Billy C. Wirtz ~~ Funny Bone movie: Donnie Darko, McConomy, 8, 10, 12
concert: Robben Ford ~~ Rex Theatre, 7:30 pm,
X17, 21+ Monday, March 1
concert: The Professionals @Slues Cafe, 10pm $2
Friday, February 27
movie: Master and Commander, McConomy, 5, Tuesday, March
7:30,10,12:30 concert: God Forbid, Walls of Jericho, Blood Has
art: A Time to Play opening reception. `I`he name. T~ee~i Shed, ~`uljt Blown Chaos ~~ Club Laga, 7 pm,
7-9pm X10
improv: Off the Top presents Live Girls. UC poetry: Reading by essayist, poet, and novelist
Connan Room, 7:32pm James Hall. 136A Baker Hall (Adamson Wing),
eaberet: Final Fridays Cabaret Series presents New 8pm
Composers Cabaret, Wells Video Studio, Purnell
~~ Center for the Arts, 11pm.Tickets available at Wednesday, March 3
~~ School of Drama box office, 12pm daY of show ~5 concert: Now It's Overhead, Statistics ~~ Club
minimum suggested donation for tickets Cafe, ~8, 21 +
ball: SWE Annual Formal, "Winter. Wonderland", concert: The Casualties, Global Threat, The
Sheraton, Station Square, 6:30pm - 12am, X25 /cou- Braggs ~~ Club Laga, 7 pm, ~10
ple, ~15 /single concert: Rod Stewart @Mellon Arena, 8 pm, $47-
concert: "1964" The Tribute ~~ Benedum Center 92.25
concert: Senses Fail, The Beautiful Mistake,
Moneen, Folly ~~ Club Laga, 7 pm, ~9
concert: Dawn Kinnard, Sodajerk ~~ Club Cafe,
you have events?
7:30, 10:30 ~5 each. ~o you like FI~~ advertising?
concert: Science Fiction Idols ~~ Excuses YOB-~ ~i
concert: Rev Billy C. Wirtz ~~ Funny Bone Email crotella@andrew.cmu.edu with your event informa-
concert: The North Mississippi Allstars, Mofro ~~ tion. Include a description, the time, date, location and
cost. We will include it in this event listing ABSOLUTELY
Mr. Smalls Fun House/Theatre, 9pm, X15 FREE! Believe it or not, people actually read this thing.
concert: Hot Tuna ~~ Rex Theatre, 8 pm, X22.50, I mean, you are, right?
21+