readme
emo: free
XemoXcoreX: $3
Carnegie Melton's leading source of really big paper airplanes since 1895 -brought to you by the Activities Board
The Term "Blogger" Replaced by "Whin
Pussy Bitch"
Online journal sites, which have referred to
their users as "bloggers," recently changed
the term they use to "Whiney PusstiT
Bitches." ~ kyle michelitis is
spokesperson for
www.blogger.com
said that they "just 111.:1 ~~••
:::{:~.
wanted to more
accurately describe
our users so that
there's no confusion
over whether or not
they are actually
bitches or just mis-
understood."
To prove this, here is
an excerpt from
XxPaTxTrAnSiTxX's
blog.
i am the world's old-
est living 15 year old
girl
i am such a girl. today
i was skateboarding
and i fell down. it felt good, it made me feel
really alive and i was all really just struck bjT
how alive i felt. it reminded me of that one
song by weezer. . .hash pipe. when i got up,
i saw my insides running red on the pave-
ment. it made me fell even more alive and
reminded me of that one song by weezer. . .
crab. i thought, i could be taken from this
earth right now and it would not be a crime,
because my worthless flesh didn't deserve
the rush of happiness that i experienced
while skateboarding. after i dusted myself
off. . .you guys, this is huge, i was standing
face to face with the Bryan o'douche. my
heart totally lept out of my chest and sud-
denly iwas transported back to my eighth
grade dance where i was standing against the
wall and kyle mitchelitis came over and
asked me to dance to stairway to heaven. i
was totally paralysed and cursed myself for
being such a fucking wallflower. all i wanted
to do was go home _and read kafka. and now,
again, here i vas faced with the boy i've had
a huge crush on for like eternity or the year
or so he's been with me here at school. i feel
like i've talked about him so much in my
blog, you guys must feel like you know him
www.activitiesboard.org/readme
too. . .more soy~Yan. i do, because i -don't real
ly know him at all. i just look at him :out of
the corner of my eye in class. i wonder what
doing right now. . .i
know he has a gi
~• ~1V:::J}•:%
friend, i hate that
:~:;~~ bitch, sometimes i
:1:.,:~: ride myT bike past his
house on my way to
the vegan co ffee-
llouse and i think,
whatever happens to
love? it dies, just like
everything else in my
life and this will die
too, this crush on
Bryan o'douche. ..i
wish i could drink
my way out of this
depression, but ian
mckaye tells me that i
:should be strong and
stay xxs-
traightxedgexx. ilove
fugazi. Bryan
o'douche has a Frank Johnson, owner of the Sadness
fugazi patch on his messenger bag and it
really makes me think that he's the true love
of my life, even though i've never spoken to
him. i think he drives a jetta. i just get all
sweaty whenever i see him and. . .and I don't
know what to do, so i just got on my skate-
board and rode away. . .away from love. .
.away from life. . .away from happiness.
(read more. . .)
mood: it's up and down not straight across
listening to: thru being cool by saves the day
eating: vegan soy fake bacon patties
drinking: my soul.
(this spot left blank so dour emo tears don't smear the ink)
issue #7,000,015
Feb. 11 -Feb. 17
r.~
Valentine's Day Replaced
by Sit Alone In Your Room
and Cry Day
Members of the " CMU community are
expected to respond in large numbers to a
new holida~T which may eventually replace
Valentine's DatiT. Sit Alone in Your Room
and Cry Day (SAYRC Day), originally creat-
ed for poor orphans and sick children, is a
day people can set aside to remember how
nobody loves them and theyT are alone in the
world.
The official SAYRC Day slogan, "Down,
Not Across" represents the spirit of the
holiday. "People are sad and alone these
days, and suicide is a real option," says
Valleyr Orphanage, where the holiday is said
to have its origins. "We want them to know
that Sit Alone in Your Room and Cry Day
is the perfect day to slit their wrists and
mean it. Our slogan is instructive as well as
catchyT we want them to know which way
to slice, so they get it right the first time. We
here at Sadness Valley believe in efficiency."
The new holiday has incredible commercial
J
potential. Sponsors such as Kleenex and
American Line single edge razors have
already jumped on the bandwagon. "We
want to sec peop'~.:~ all over the country cry-
ing alone in their rooms for a day," said Alf
Peterson, spokesman for Kleenex. "And
when that happens, we want to be the facial
tissue catching their snot and excess blood."
Thousands of shirts and self-addressed
SAYRC Day cards have already been sold.
Students are encouraged to celebrate
SAYRC, and to not be ashamed of their
loneliness. However, campus police have
politely asked that, if you do attempt sui-
cide, to please do it in the bathroom, for
ease of cleaning.
Issue 7,000,015
Old People Slow at Driving, Everything Else
~ v=~v
. ._ . . T
`. ~~ ~.
S•. . .
w,}.~.?}.
.0
1 bet they don't fall slowly
Old people are slow drivers. grid talkers.
.~1nd well, actually, they're slow at prettyT
much everything.
"So I'm on the highway, right, and there's
this big old Cadillac going like 30," said jun-
ior Mike Torando. "I think thejT were look-
ing for the Country Kitchen Buffet or some-
thing."
"Then later I see the same car parking at the
meters. I went to the O and got some food,
`cause the~T're always so fast, and when I
come out the Sr'iME DUDE is putting
money- iiz the meter," said Torando. "ByT the
Iceberg Sinks 61C, Fare Hike to Follow
Tragedy occurred on Forbes
Avenue Monday night when
an iceberg struck a 61C bus.
The iceberg ripped a hole
into ti~~ bus's side, causing it
to f~.~ Frith water. r1ll pas-
sengers on board drowned
or froze to death. The ice-
berg received a citation for
riznning a stop sign.
City officials have been
quick to point fingers about
the cause of the accident
and if it could have been
avoided, including one offi-
cial who blamed ice pirates
and another who suggested
that the driver, "should have
listened to his mama and
drank his milk." ~Uhile at
this point it is not known
how the accident could have
been avoided, officials are
interested in avoiding future
tragedies like this one. One
proposal that has gained a
lot of support is to equip all
- readme p. 2 - February 11 -February 1~
valentine's Day Cards
time his second quarter went in the slot, the xoxo, readme
first quarter ; already expired. Slowass."
Torand4:a~so:.~oi~.ted out that,. in addition to
driving-related tbir~gs, old people are slow at
paying for stuff at stores, wa:Lkin.g; tivnking,
dying, playing cads, eating2 ,,and every=thing
else they do. "Oh you know~what else I bet
they're slow at? Disgusting gr .dparent sex,
covered in ma~~onnaise. Gross."
~~~
..::: CMU researchers once tried to figure out
whether old people are _show at things, but
the s tud~T never got finis~i~d.~ ~In an unrelat-
ed story, most CMU researchers are old. In
another unrelated story, there are old people
having sex somewhere now Made ~Tou think
about it! Thanks a lot Viagra.
readme tried to interview some old people
for this article, but they started takng about
)
how theyT were in the war and how readme
should respect them, but they took about 2
hours to get through the first sentence so
readme went off to play with our Segways,
listen to our OutKast, surf the Intarweb,
and a bunch of other young things.
If you were an old person, yTou'd only be on
the second paragraph byT now
:?z;~
has been quickly pushed
through city council, requir-
ing bus drivers to be more
careful, called the "watch
where you're fucking going,
yTou ass" act, which narrow-
ly beat the "stop leaving
your damn icebergs in the
;~> road" act.
;3~5:~:~i:"t:
Still gonna be late
buses with life boats. Public response to the new
~CCOYding t0 POrt ~UthorlttiT safety measures has been
spokesperson Mark Helby,
J
supportive. Local resident
"I guess the~T could some- and frequent bus rider l~nna
how ride a boat to Potts can't wait for the new
sa.tetv...in the street... I laws to take effect. "If this
guess? I don't know, it's will keep us safe from ice
kind of a retarded idea." pirates, I'm all for it," she
said. Others surve~Ted were
The mayor has supported similarly supportive. P.~T
this plan and will require all passenger Jared Evergreen
buses to be made out of of Wilkinsburg agreed,
lifeboats. Opponents of "While ejection seats would
this plan favor mandatory be cool, they'd probably
ejection seats for all passen- hurt more than lifeboats,
gers. and it's harder to go fishing
in an ejection seat."
~ new set of bus safety laws
 ..n

Issue 7,000,015 - readme p. 3 - February 11 -February 17

Emo Kid Declares Love for "Hey Ya!" The Emocore re-mix
Sadness; Everyone My parents don't understand me
So I slit my wrists
Shocked And listen to Weezer.. .
~:.,,:.>::::v~ ::: :~:r
(clad clad clad)
.,
I used to have a girlfriend
But I'm just too deep
And I cou~cl iiot please her.:.

(clad clad clad) 4,

:._ ~......... .. r... . _...... .:~'~

My poetry exprt~ins "

It's a good shirt... The true depfli"o~f mg pains
I sit alone and cry...
The world was shocked yesterday when Steve
Drawsflowers, known emo kid, publicly
(clad clad clad) This is the last 4utKast joke in readme,
announced his love for sadness.
ever... I swear
My soul is just too deep Are we so in denial
He was wearing a t-shirt that said "I (heart)
I'm alone in the world When we know we're not happy here.
Sadness." And he kept telling people that he
And I just want to die.. .
loved sadness. And then the pope blessed these
breakdancers and this guy on VH1 was all like, Hey Ya! x4
(clad clad clad)
p-p-p-pope unit! rind I a11, like, laughed my ass
off. Because that story is way more entertaining Okay now fella.s, what's cooler than bein'
Hey Ya! x4 cool?
than some dumb article about some emo kid.
My tears!
~:: You think you got it, Yeah, what's cooler, than bein' cool?
I keedi I keed!
Oh, you think you got it, My heart!
But you don't understand right alright alright alright alright alright
I heard about these kids that ate dinner over
The s~rirliiig spiral of alright alright alright
their friend's house and they had chicken and
Paaaar~►.r1r'~.r'~aaaatlr~rlaaa~-1t1r1aaaa~-1t1r~I Now ladies, we gonna break this down in.
carrots and mashed potatoes. After they were
N just a few seconds.
done eating, the girl remembered that the bowl
they used to make the mashed potatoes in was Now don't make be break this thing down
I write my weblog, for nothin'.
the same bowl she uses to wash her panties.
Oh, I write my weblog, Now I wanna see y'all on your saddest
And she had that day. GROSS!
But no one understands me behavior.
And I cannot Lend me some self-esteem,
Explaa aaaaArl~Arlaaar~r~AAaaaA I am s~rirling in a spiral of eternal pain!
AAIN
Okay now slit it, slit, slit it, slit it, slit, slit it,
And what I say is, slit it, slit, slit it, slit it, slit it, slit slit it, slit
"Nothing is forever,' it with a Polaroid picture! (etc.)
And nothing, nothing, nothing
(nothing) nothing (nothhing) is an excep- Hev Ya!
tion.
{this spot left blank so your emo blood doesn't smear the ink) So whya whya, whya whya whya,

Ec~ting & WritingStaff

Pooper: Chris Rotella
SCOOper: Muffin, Aileen D'Esposito, Dana Vinson, Greg Modzelewski, Brian Leahy, Ashley Holtgraver,
Esteban Bowles-Martinez, '~, Andrey "3000" Dolgov, Alison Lauer, AB Hair Chris Smoak, Fred Merkle,
Alisa Brown, James Troup, Katie Wallat, Mike Blain, Jake Portnoff, Glenn Willen, Kevin Chang, Agata
Frankenberry, and Zack Hiwiller
moo:_ Ceci Westbrook, Alayna
Adamowicz,
What is,.readme? Well, it's funny and it's useful. And free. So it's better than sliced bread.
e w.
activities board
Who makes it? readme is printed by the .Activities Board, sponsored by your student activities fee
Where d0 I get it? readme is handed out at AB events and left in stacks around campus
Online: www.activitiesboard.org/readme (but it hasn't been updated)
How d0 I help? Email crotella.@andrewcmu.edu. We need fiuuzy writers, non-fi~.nny writers, and Pliotoshopers
And remember: readme comes out Wednesdays. Usl~ally.
Issue 7,000,015
This is the True section, where we tell you how to live your life
T~Ik Dirrty to Me
with Dana and (Not) Fred
If nothing lasts forever, then what
makes, then what makes, then what
makes, then what makes (what
makes, what makes) love the excep-
tion?
Benjamin Andre 3000
Dana: I'm so glad that you asked that ques-
tion Andre 3000! Congratulations on your
Grammy wins! Nice suit!
Brian: I'm cooler than Fred so I'm writing
this week in his place because Fred hates
OutKa.st and that's why we kicked him in
the beanbag.
Dana: I'm going to treat you the same as I
treat Fred. Brian, you're an asshole.
Brian: Fred would probably reply with an
entirely un-clever, "Fuck you!" But I'm
cooler than that and all I want is some
sugar... I am your neighbor.
Dana: Wow, you're just like C>landler from
Friends.
Brian: Could I BE wearing any more
clothes?
Dana: Probably, but I don't see what that
has to do with Andre 3000's question.
Brian: t~lright, alright, alright, alright,
alright, alright, alright, alright, we'll answer
the question.
Dana: I would argue that love is not an
exception. I mean,'though it is true that you
might still love a person after the relation-
ship has ended, it doesn't necessarily mean
that you're "in love" with them.
Brian: Oh wait, we're actually answering
this? I used to being fiulny. G
ROX~i~~~111i!
Dana: God, I never thought I would say
this, but I miss Fred.
Brian: Well, if you want Fred back, you can
just turn OutKa.st off and put on some
- readme p. 4 - February 11 -February 17
Death Metal Band Extravaganza 2000.
Dana: No, maybe I'll just put on some old
episodes of South Park. .get it, because
with that goatee, Fred looks like South Park
Jesus. Anyway, this has totally turned into a
column where noth;ng of value is discussed.
Brian: So, either people start sending us
more questions, or we can just answer ques-
tions from OutKa,st songs. for the rest of
the semester. I hear roses ~~ea11y smell like
poo poo p000000.
Dana: Wait, what was that? You're going to
have to tell me twice. Wow, this reads like a
laundry list of inside jokes.
Brian: Laundry is for Communists and
Chris Rotella.. Have you smelled him today?!
Good Lord!
Dana: I know, it's true. Are we doing some-
thing for Valentine's Day?!
Brian: Yeah, probably, we could go see
'1'.~XAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE BEST
VALENTINES DAY MOVIE EVER
OMG LOL!
Dana: Yeah, great.
Brian: That's it? That's classic cinema right
there.
Dana: Yeah, great.
Brian: Did you hear, Brenda's got a baby!
But damn, she's barely got a brain. A damn
shame. The girl can hardly spell her name.
Dana: I hate you so much.
Brian: I <3 sadness.
Dana: No, you know what... just no.
Brian: Can this be done now so I can go
home?
Dana: Yes, this can be done now, so you
can go home alone and rot. Happy
Valentine's Day PUCKERS.
Brian: Maybe Fred will be back next week.
Dana: I still hate you. But hey, send your
questions to dbv@ or reaclmecmu on AIM.
Cheap Movies at
McConomy
All the nights, brought to you by AB, except
Saturday which is SDC. 1 Buck.
Wednesday: Out of Sight 7:30, 10,
12:30
Bank robber gets it on with the US Marshal
he kidnapped. The moral: you may have to
do time, but came DOES pay... in sweet
sweet pooh.
Thursday: Clockwork Orange 7;30,
10, 12:30
Well, if you've seen it, try sitting in the front
row, so it's all distorted and stuff and your
neck hurts afterwards. If you haven't seen it,
you've heard of it, and you really ought to
see it for cultural reasons. I mean, dude.
That's why we show movies like this on
campus.
Friday: Love Actually 5, 7:30, 10,
12:30
Yeah, everyone loved this movie, but I'm
not gonna go see it, because I don't really
care too much about it. However, everyone
*else loves it when silly love-story plots
interrelate and then ever~tlling makes sense
in. the end, right? I like how Magnolia made
sense in the end, and 1Vlemento, too, and
Fight Club. But this movie isn't like those,
it's the floofy version. So, you'll like it, if
you like that sort of thing.
Saturday: Texas Chainsaw
Massacre 8, 10, 12
Come on. Could YOU think of a better
movie to show for Vday?
Sunday: Pee-Wee's Big Adventure
8, 10, 12
OK, look. If YOU were living the life of a
child, as an adult, decorating your house like
you want to and setting yourself up with a
Really Cool Bike, you'd ...be Michael
Jackson, or something. But forget that. The
point is that if your supercool bike was
stolen by the bully down the road, you'd
probably have some huge movie made
about the crazy antics of getting it back.
Watch out for "Tequila," and the crazy
truckdriver.
Issue 7,000,015 -readme p. 5 - Febru°ary 11 -February 17
This is the True section, where we tell you how to live your life

From the Desk of

:.::.::::.::.:::::::.:::.::.:.::.:::.::.:.:::.::.::.:...e......................e...... SDC President
Two shows, both reasonably priced, both Mark Roboff
with people named Hank. You reall~T can't
go wrong. I sa~r go to both if jTou can, I'd like to take this opporturiityT to update
they're both going to be worth yTour while. eve~.-~-one on a large project SDC has been
workitzg on this year.
On Friday night, one of the most eclectic
people in countr~~ music comes to town, as The D VD Lending Library in Hunt, which was
Hank III puts on a show at Laga. There introduced in a late September readme col-
are a number of reasons for going to this umn, is now up and runningl The librar~T cur-
depending on your interests. First of all, in rently- has 130 titles, which are mostly current
the event that you're unaware, the Hank III hits and popular classics. The selection will
is as in Hank Williams the Third, so he's grow continuously throughout the semester.
part of that legendary family of outlaw Furthermore, SDC will maintain the library in
royTalty. For those of you more on the years to come, keeping it current and enjoy-
metal boat, he balances his solo honky able!
tonking career byT playing bass in
Superjoint Ritual, Phil ~-lnselmo's post- The collection is open to all CMU students
Pantera monster of rage. For those of you Henry Rollins with a valid ID. It's searchable online via
who just appreciate good music, this is a simply takng. It's a combination of a Cameo, and actual titles are available for check
show to check out. Hank III runs the full political discussion, an intellectual lecture, out at the video collection on the lower level of
gamut, from his own original composi and stand up comedy. He makes ~Tou Hunt Librar~T. The rental period is three days,
bons, to covers of old-fashioned country a little differently about virtually every and any late fees will be charged directly to stu-
tunes like "Wreck of the Old 97" and a thing, from the Mars Rovers to thieves trti~ dent accounts. SDC still welcomes anyT sugges-
wonderful rendition of "Cocaine Blues," ing to break in to W~lljam Shatner. rind if tions for titles. Please e-mail any you have to
to the occasional punk tune, such as the you've seen him in the past, that's no sdc@andrewcmu.edu.
Black Flag classic "No Values," which he excuse — he has a completely different set
contributed to Rise ~.bove: 24 Black Flag of issues to rant about each year, and with Besides the DVD lending library, SDC is help-
Songs to Benefit the West Memphis 3. It's this being an election year, the fun just ing to improve campus life in a great number
variety, it's fun, and it's a little off the beat- doesn't stop! There's really not much else of ways. Our movies for the semester include
en path for most rock and alternative fans. that can be said, other than what's not to LOTR: Return of the King, `Matrix:
Check him out. love about a former punk singer doing Revolutions, and Big Fish! Our Progranuning
politically-charged spoken-word/stand-up. committee just had an extremely successful ski
On Monday night, the greater of two .r'1nd seriously; how else will you find out trip and is working hard to fill up the remain-
Hanks comes to town: the one and only the true story of what happened between ing months with tons of fun events. Our
Henry Rollins. Don't be mistaken —this Mr. Rollins and a certain Sher~71 Crow? H&SL committee is working on improve-
isn't Rollins Band, it's spoken word. But Check out his show —you might learn ments to laundry and dorm security, and
it's spoken word like none other, where he something that's more applicable to the they're getting feedback on implementing pos-
carries the energy of a punk concert while real world than physics or computers. sible legal file-sharing systems. Lastly, Dining
Actual Movie Reviews -Brought to you by CMUty continues to poll resident opinion on the pro-
posed changes to the di~,tng plans, mal~ng sure
Win a Date with Tad organ donation. Not drugs. submitting me to this tor- the residents' have a voice in the future of din-
Hamilton Personally, it made me ture.
~•
Didn't use nearly as many want to gouge my eyes out
overused cliches as it could and pour boiling hot water Big Fish If you ever have any questions about what
have, which would be a on my brain. That Sean That guy is really tall. With SDC is doing to help improve your life at
compliment if that was Penn...always doing the the Coen production com- CMU, feel free to drop us a line at
saying anything. Points for upbeat family films, that pany producing a Tim SDC@andrewcmu.edu.
subliminal humor that one... Burton film, one can only
went over the head o f expect visually beautiful
every teenage girl in the Against the Ropes film with a good deal of
theater. ~~Iuch respect. I would feel bad for my imagination. This movie
neighbors for having been delivers both, but is sadly
21 Grams so vocally displeased with lacking in
This is the kind of movie this film, but even Christ ~storytelling...which is sad,
had justifiable anger. I did-
a ~.,~. ,:
that people who would go bec~x~e this is a movie
see this kind of movie n't pay to see this film...but R
about storyTtelling. Still
would be sure to enjoy. Oh, I am currently working on worth a watch, if on~ye
and warning, it's about a civil suit against because, come on, that guy
Paramount Pictures for is RE.~LLY tall.
 Events and Things On and Off Campus
readme <3's events
Wednesday, February 11 concert: Terrance Simien ~~ Rex Theatre, 7:30 pm,
movie: Out of Sight. McConomy. 7:30, 10, 12:30. X15, 21+
S1
concert: Mark Stuart, Stacey Earle ~~ Club Cafe, Monday, February 16
7:30pm, ~10-12. skiing: Ski Club trip to Seven Springs ticket sales,
UC
Thursday, February 12 lecture/comedy: Henry Rollins @ Byham
movie: Clockwork Orange. McConomy. 7:30, 10, Theatre, $20
12:30. ~1
concert: Steve Forbert ~~ Club Cafe, 7:30 pm, ~12, Tuesday, February 17
21+ skiing: Ski Club trip to Seven Springs ticket sales,
concert: Kenny Rankin ~~ Rex Theatre, 7:30 pm, UC
X20, 21+ concert: eastmountainsouth @Club Cafe, 7:30
pm, $12, 21+
Friday, February 13 concert: Method Man @Club Laga, 8 pm, $20
movie: Love .Actually. McConomy. 5, 7:30, 10,
12:30. ~1 Wednesday, February 18
concert: Auto the Band ~~ Kiva Han, 8pm, ~2 skiing: Ski Club trip to Seven Springs ticket sales,
event: Valentine's Day Date Auction. UC Connan UC
Room. 8pm concert: Auto the Band ~~ Skibo Coffeehouse,
concert: Townhall ~~ Club Cafe, 10 pm, ~6, 21+ 8pm, Free
concert: Hank III, Scott Biram ~~ Club Laga, 8 concert: The Big Wu ~ Hard Rock Cafe, 9 pm,
pm, ~15 X10
concert: Kenny Lattimore & Chante Moore ~~ concert: Buckwheat Zydeco ~~ Rex Theatre, 7:30
Hilton Hotel pm,~17,21+
concert: Diamond Rio ~~ Pepsi Cola Roadhouse, 8
pm, ~~1-81 /table of four

Saturday, February 14
movie: Texas Chainsaw Massacre. McConomy. 8,
10, 12. ~1
event: Valentines Day Dance. Rangos. 6:30-10pm.
Lessons at 7pm, show at 8;30. ~5
concert: The Black Keys ~~ 31st Street Pub, 10
pm, ~8
Do you have events?
concert: Johnson's Big Band C~ Club Cafe, Do you like FREE advertising?
10:30pm, ~7 YOU DO?!
a ~~'

concert: Science Fiction Idols ~~ Gooski's Email crotella@andrew.cmu.edu with your event informa-
tion.~.r~~nclude a description, the time, date, location and
cost. .' drill include it in this event listing ABSOLUTELY
Sunday, February 15 FREES Believe it or not, people actually read this thing.
movie: Pee-Wee's Big Adve~.ture:~ cConomy. 8, I mean, you are, right?
10; 12. 1 ~. -~
~' ~~~