readme

Saphistahfunk: free issue #7,000,014

Feb. 4 -Feb. 10
Aristahcats: $3
www.activitiesboard.org/readme
Carnegie Melton's leading source of Eric Gartman since 1895 -brought to you by the Activities Board

Pittsburgh Dumped by Longtime Boyfriend, P.~nn:~ - T ~~~~.~ ~::~.~:::::

.Ors1 i n~
~~:.:~....e..............:~:.....~~,:
~~:::- F~'~~' .....
Cleveland, Can't Stop Snowing O~~lO~k f0.~~ ,f . .... ~.
• :.
It's been a week since Pittsburgh was tossed insane thing Cleveland did to make her laugh ~ ~ > >.~,
,.,~....~•~.......... o.............. .,,
out on her ass by her tough and rugged and she'll start snowing again. ~t>
boyfriend Cleveland, Ohio and if you haven't • ,,
noticed, Pittsburgh hasn't stopped snowing Cleveland, who is not ladylike, had his rea-
since. Friends of Pittsburgh say that, "she sons for encl~ng the relationship with some- ',J

needs to get over it and quit what unpopular Pittsburgh,

snowing every two seconds has been reported to have ..~. •~r v~.n•. ..
rc;

because she's thinking eyes for Philadelphia, who is

about that bastard Pittsburgh's older sister and
Pennsylvania Trading
Cleveland." Pittsburgh has is known for being better Company Opens Online
been a real cold bitch to than Pittsburgh in almost Division
everyone since the breakup every way. Supposedly,
and doesn't show any signs Cleveland made his move by In a bold move, the long established
comforting Philadelphia Pennsylvania Trading Company of
of cheering up just vet.
r

after her Eagles lost the Milford, PA has announced the opening
NFC Championship Game of its brand new online branch. "It's a
Longtime friend and gay,
non-threatening city and then comforted leer with very exciting time for the PTC. We feel
Allentown has been helping `*f` .: :>~~~>~hilari.ous tales of his horrible like this is rea11y the Perfect fit, and we
Pittsburgh get through this We don't need him anyway sports teams. are glad to have been able to seize this
for a few days now, and oppoi-tiuiity and f ll the niche." said PTC
Pittsburgh has been able to control her snow As of todatiT, Pittsburgh has hopefully stopped president L.D. Johnson.
ing a bit, but not completely. ~~ few times a snowing for this year, but she's still being a
day, something will remind her of some cold bitch to everyone living in her. "We want to make it easy for everyone to
r ~

become a Penna-Trader, to take the

Gave Everybody Food Poisoning
Yeah, sorry gutiTs. I know
some of you are really upset
about your stomach prob-
lems, and I Bear it was pretty
nasty. I really couldn't resist
the temptation, though. I
mean, somebody left the
door into the kitchen upstairs
in the UC open what pen-
s on in their right nand
wouldn't take the opportuni-
ty to poo in the campus
food?
Alright, I'll admit it, it started
as a stupid joke with me and
mtiT friends. We were talking
about how campus food is all
really shitty, and then we
thought, "Whoa, what if
somebody REALLY made
the food slzittjT?" What we
meant by that was, of cotuse,
that we were going to poo in
the food.
It started out as a pretty elab-
orate plan, with stealth
Tastes better than Andy's!
attacks on campus food sely
ices, but then we got really
laztiT and drunk. My friend
Adam poo'ed in his dresser
drawer for $5 but it didn't
reall`7 get us anywhere toward
our ultimate goal. In fact, we
didn't think we were going to
get it done at all.
Then, random chance inter-
vened. We were really dtl~.nk
and wande~ng around in the
UC, and to and behold, one
o f the kitchen doors was left
open! We coL~ldn't resist the
oppomuzit`T. Well, in honest~T,
it was mostly , me. I was deft-
niteltiT the di-Luzkest one. They
all egged me on, though, and
I was so excited that it wasn't
until I had mti= pants down
over a bowl of soup I didn't
realize that theti= had all run
off giggling.
~-~nywatiT, I've never been one
to back down when I've got
my mind set on something,
plus I was already halfway
there. So I went for the gold
and dropped a load in some
campus food. In fact, when I
was done with that soup
ttueen, I went and did it
again in several other strate-
gic locations. I won't tell yTou
which ones that would Ilan
the surp~se!
That's fight! St~-pnise! Half of
you have gastroentefitis! Ha!
Gosh, I sure love college.
Imagine what zany antics I'll
get up to next week!
plunge, if tiTou will. BtiT 2005, eighty-five
percent of Pennsylvanians can be
Penna-Trading in the comfort of their
own homes. This is a godsend for rural
Pennsylvanians who do not have access
to upfront brokerage. They can finally
take the bta.11 by the horns and get right
in the thick of it, where all of the action
is."
Johnson described more of the PTC
vision: "You'll soon find .tiTourself Perna-
Trading at home, in the office, or while
casually relaxing at your neighborhood
Internet cafe. There really is no end to
how far you can go."
PTC's outlook is especially good riding
on the shoulders of successful field test-
ing of the new service. "Sure, those who
were used to dealing with a traditional
broker were a bit sore at first, but after
tlzetiT got used to the user friendltiT inter-
face and, they just couldn't wait to get in
there and Perna-Trade with their friends
and family."
Lucky Penns~.Tlvanians can expect Penna-
Trader to come into their neck of the
woods as earltiT as next month.
Issue 7,000,014
Winter's Here... Lock Up Your Daughters
Old "Fred" Man "Merkle" Winter
Well, if you've had a chance to prance
around outside in shorts and atee-shirt, well
my friend, you're a jackass. l~s for the rest
of us Carnegie Mellonists, we've been freez-
ing our collective asses off trekking hither
and tither amidst Old Man Winter's alcohol
binge induced suckstravagan7a.
Winter hit hard and fast taking many by sur-
prise. One of the most affected was fresh-
man economics major, Jonathan Morris,
"Yea, I totally wasn't expecting it at all. I
mean, one day the leaves are falling from the
trees, and the next, you find yourself having
to soil yourself for warmth... it's a total
suckstravaganza. Is that even a word?"
Point/Counter-Point: I have the worst name ever!
Point:
By Ted Hockface
I have the worst name ever. It's like, so
easy to make fiuz of. Hockface... see, ti=ou
already know I can never make friends
because I just become the brunt of all the
jokes. "When's good `ol Cockface coming
over?" He's not, because tiTou douches
won't stop making fun of him!
I want to change my last name, but my dad
won't let me because he says that "The
Hockfaces are a prideful people and are
proud of their name." Bullslvt, dad! You
grew up in a simpler time where people
wouldn't rip on ti=ou all the time for this
dumb name. Even my professors do it.
"Cockface... Ted? Ted Cockface?
Ohhl~li... Hockface, I'm so sorry."
This name sucks so much I'm never going
to get a girlfriend so I can get mar~.ed and
have little Cockfaces of my own.
- readme p. 2 - February 4 -February 10
CMU Completes Transition
Morris continued his diatribe, but readme to Day Care Center
had promptly snuck away upon the discov- ........<::~;:v r::: ......~....
~~~
~~~~
ery of peculiar and foul odors in the area.
Others were even more at arms regarding
Old Man Winter's recent antics. "Old Man
Winter? I really don't l;ke him at all. First,
it's hells,-cold and nasty outside... plus, he
keeps groping my f~.end's ass." said junior .. i . >:.::::>::.::. :;.:::::::.>::::
~::::. >::,
mechanical engineering major Erica McGee.
President Jared Cohon has announced that
This is not the only incident of similarly
within the next several months, Carnegie
indecent behavior from Mr. Winter accord-
l~2ellon will enter the final stages of its for-
ing to CMU Police. "Over the past few mal transition to a daycare center for pre-K
weeks, we have had dozens of reports of
through second-grade children.
inappropriate sexual advances and weather-
rela.ted annoyances." said Chief Doyle. The
Students, faculty and staff might have
assailant is reported to be on old, bearded
noticed the children involved in daycare
man of about five foot and nine inches in
activities rt~nn;ng around in resident;al areas,
height, smelling of old wine and bad cheese.
and in public areas such as the University
His mustache has been reported to conta;n
Center. The number of children has
fragments of cucumbers and herring also,
increased gradl~ally in the past months, until
he was black... yea, definitely a black guy.
some students complained that there were
Cl~TCJ police asks that you contact them if
"more children than students." Little did
you have any information regarding this
they know they were right; Cohon's plan
ruffian.
calls for the students to be phased out in
favor of daycare children.
So while we may never know exactlti= where
Old Man Winter lives or what he has in
"When it comes right down tc it, students
store for us in the upcoming months, one
aren't very lucrative," said Cohon, "but small
thing remains clear: if tiTou are wearing
children are. Plus, when push comes to
shorts outside, you are a jackass.
shove, we can grind them up and give them
to Food Services."
Andre 3000 Replaced by
Counter-Point: Newer and More Efficient
By Saddam bin Hitler-Stalin Andre 4000
lire you kidding me? ~ dick joke is the least
of your name-related worries. r1t least
J
you're not if "that's a nuclear missile in your
pocket, or are you just happy to see me, ~=ou
Communazi?"
4000 » 3000. QED
Half of OutKa,st, r~ndre 3000, was way
past due for an upgrade and last week he
was replaced with the new model, which is
a 4000 sefies. The 4000, which is approxi-
mately 35% more Ice Cold will be able to
create even more awesome music that is
playing rti.ght now
Issue 7,000,014 - readme p. 3 - February 4 -February 10

Top Other Things Which The Most Offensive Article to be Written

Your Parents Lied About Sometime in the Future
Being Real Sometime in the future readme will w~te
the most offensive, cruel, and derogatoiti~
article ever known to man. It will be so
shocking and insulting that people who
lead it will randomly burst into flames
from the sheer audacity of this forthcorn-
ing article. Tliat week we will not give
issues to people with heart conditions or
people that have no sense of humor.

What the article will actually be about is

not yet known, but it'll probably be a taste-
Nope, not real. Sorry less gad=joke or something about terro~sm.
You know, the bottom of the barrel in the
Your grandma comedtiT barrel, which is a fun barrel to
have, by the way. Maybe some racism?
The Middle East That's usually offensive... No, that's not
going to work, racism is never furuzy, just
Christmas like rape. Well, unless its Osama bin Laden
getting raped by burly lumberjacks, of
Captain Steals-Your-Socks course. I guess it'll be a combination of
terroflsm and sex.
The Male G-Spot
We'll probably get "blasted" by Tlie Tartan
The Chinese because of the article, but we won't care,
because we'll know we were joking. Then
Polio I'll want to w~te an article making fun of
them, but my editor won't let me because,
National `Beat Your Kids" Day "we're above that." Then The Tartan will
write an "editoi7al" on how whatever we
The Miracle Cure were tag about is actually a good idea
and that some douche on their staff sup-
Your Mother's Love ports it. Then we'll print subliminal mes-
sages in other articles making fun of The
Milli Vanilli Tartan.
Honest Lmmigrants The article will gain international fame and
be used by our forces in the Middle East to
Vietnam
All killer, no filler
insult our enemies into complaini_g about
how offensive it is. Then while they are
complaining and writing a sto~.-~~. about the
article in Al Jatartan, out soldiers will
shoot them in the face. George W. Bush
will give readme some sort award for cre-
ating something that can be used as a
weapon and grant us three wishes. After
wishing for a football helmet full of cot-
tage cheese and the ability to make a
readme in one day, we'll probably wish for
another sweet helmet of cottage cheese,
cause roan, those things rock.
Tl1e Geneva Convention will come after
Bush for using such an inhumane weapon
in combat and because he's from Texas
he'll nuke the shit out of the entire world.
BAM! .Armageddon; all because of our
offensive article. Sorry world, but it has to
be wfltten. Just not now

The Kennedy Assassination

The 60's in and of its entirety

Edging & WritingStaff

Full House: Chris Rotella ~~
Two Pair: Muffin, Aileen D'Esposito, Dana Vinson, Greg Modzelewski, Brian Leahy, Ashley Holtgraver,
Esteban Bowles-Martinez, *, Andrey "3000" Dolgov, Alison Lauer, AB Hair Chris Smoak, Fred Merkle,
Alisa Brown, James Troup, Katie Wallat, Mike Blain, Jake Portnoff, Glenn Willen, Michael Croland, Kevin
Chang, Agata Adamowicz, Ceci Westbrook, Alayna Frankenberry, and Zack Hiwiller
What is readme? Well, it's fiuzny and it's useful. And free. So it's better than sliced bread. activities board
Who makes it? readme is printed by the Activities Board, sponsored by youx student activities fee
Where d0 I get it? readme is handed out at AB events and left in stacks around campus
Online: www.activitiesboard.org/readme
How d0 I help? Email crotella@andrewcmu.edu. We need funny waters, non-funny waters, and Photoshopers
And remember: readme++ or ++readme?
 Issue 7,000,014
This is the True section, where we tell you how to live your life
Talk Dirrty to Me
with Dana and Fred
My roommate's girlfriend keeps telling
me she's going to break up with him. Is
it bad that I'm excited about this so that
I can go to the strip club?
Dana: I see a few problems with this situa-
tion. One: why is your roommate's girlfi7end
talking to tiTou about what she plans to do?
Shouldn't she be . . .
Fred: Oh, she is so hitting on him.
Dana: Yes, she might leave a big boner for
the roommate, but that's beside the point.
The point is, tlti.s girl won't let you guys go
to the strip club?! Wliy does this girl have
the power of preventing ti=ou from seeing tit-
hes? Idon't understand.
Fred: I just think he wants a stfip club
buddy. He's too damn embarrassed to go by
himself. Which is stupid, because stfip clubs
are a wholesome AmeiYcan activittiT. They're
fun for the whole family. Hell, some of mti=
good friends in High School worked in a
stfip club.
Dana: You had friends in high school?
Whoa. Well, this girl is either going to let
both of them go to the strip club or not, and
if size's forbiddiizg it, then she should go.
But if this girl is talking behind her
boyfriend's back about dumping him, that's
a bigger problem. It's unfair to the room-
mate. So is it wrong for you to be excited?
No, because going to the strip club is fun
and you should be happy because your
roommate is getting out a potentially
unhealthy relationship.
Fred: Yes, I did. And, I didn't have to pay
them. I know the solution. Your room-
mate's girlfriend sl~ould just break up with
your roommate. And, you should mind
..............
'<? >
~ x :~
- readme p. 4 - February 4 -February 10
your own damn business and go to the stomp
club yourself.
My girlfriend wants us to become nud~
fists. What should I do?
Fred: I get to answer first this time. I'd like
to start btiT saying nudism is wrong. I mean
it takes all the fun out of nakedness. How
the hell are yTou going to get excited when
slie seductively takes off her shirt? She
won't even have a sh.ii-t to take off.
Dana: Nudists in Pittsburgh? Ok, first of all
I have two words for you: The O and sec-
ond of all it is so cold outside, you need to
be t1~it,king about some serous shrinkage. I
guess I would just have to ask, is your girl-
friend hot? If yes, stop complaining that
your hot girlfriend wants to be naked all the
time and be nudists. If no, then don't and
make sure the lights are off when she drops
on out of her drawers.
Fred: Well, actually, nudism does have the
positive benefit that it's another step to
moving beyond our: Puritanical society.
That, and if you have a reall~T big package,
it's a great way to show you're an alpha male.
So, go ahead and tics it. I mean, the worst
that can happen is that everyone will make
fun of your unattractiveness. That, and, sex
will get more boring. So you'll just have to
take one for the team, and tell us how it
works out.
Dana: Ok, that's it for this week. Didn't we
do a fantastic job? Well, I did at least.
AnywatiT, send your questions to
dbv@andrev~cmu.edu or send an instant
message to readmecmu. See you next week!
Cheap Movies at
McConomy
All the nights, brought to you by AB, except
Saturday which is SDC. 1 Buck.
Wednesday, Jackie Brown 7:30, 10,
12:30
It's Tarantino week. Jackie Brown is a flight
attendant wlio kicks all sorts of ass. If
there's one good thing about Tarantino,
there's a million, but the best one is that his
female leads are shit kickers. Jackie Brown is
a satire of the popular blaxploitation films
of the 1970's. This Jackie does not talk with
a long island accent or wear socks with san-
dals thank god.
Thursday, Reservoir Dogs 8, 10, 12
Remember that Rammstein video "Du
Hast" where they totally paid homage to
this movie? Yeah, that song is awesome and
so is this movie. It's got dialogue, and
umm... guns. If you haven't seen this, your
name is Dana. So go see it, Dana... come
on. No? Yes!
Friday, Kill Bill Vol. 1 6, 8, 10, 12
This film has a lot of dialogue. .and
swords. Swords are sweet. Flashbacks are
sweet. There's a lot of blood. Like, a lot. So
if you're squeamish about blood, you're
going to puke on the guy in front of you
and he's going to get up and be like, "Dude!
What the hell was that?" Then you'll be all,
"I'm sorry" and he'll beat you up for ruin-
ing his court-jester hat. Or maybe you won't
puke and none of that will happen, it's up to
you.
Saturday, Intolerable Cruelty 6, 8,
10, 12
SDC is a bunch of bitches. This movie
totally ruins Tarantino week. Whatever you
do, don't go see this movie. It's got George
Clooney in it and that ho that is schtooping
that old guy. I think her name is Kathe~ne
Zeta Jones. I bet it's linear... pffft!
Sunday, Pulp Fiction 7, 10, 1
"They speak English in what, mother fuck-
er?" Oh Samuel L. Jackson, you slay me!
"Stop yelling at me!" "I can't stop yelling!
That's how I talk!" Oh Samuel L. Jackson,
you slay me again! t~h7ght, enough of that,
this movie is just alright... a].fight alright
alt~ight alright alright alright! Actually, it's
really good and everyone should go see it to
wrap up Tarantino week. Way to recover
there Bri an.
Issue 7,000,014 - readme p. 5 - February 4- February 10
to
This is the True section, where we tell you how live your life

From the Desk of

Student Body Vice
President for Finance
Paul Richelmi
There's Concerts! ;.
S}.A{~~•:}~}:•}:{; -.
..
~w~w;
VS$. ' :•::~:
~~<.
1~OMn^]000OON(AiMCi<it<a~.~.

That's right kids, for the first time in a while,
there's more than one show I encourage you
to go see this week! Unfortunately, it may
not work for some of you y because a bunch
of them are over 21 —apparently Pittsburgh's
concert promoters are gradually phasing out
all ages shows or something. anyway, on
with the conceits!
On Satu~:day, Stuttering John is performing
at the Rex Theatre for those of you over 21.
He's best-known for his work on the Howard
Stern Show in the mornings, and for those of
you in the New York area, he's the host of
Out to Lunch on I~-Rock. He's a funny guy,
and he periodically puts together ahalf-assed
band and tours. If nothing else, it will be
y:: ~::::'.:
Welcome back everyone; I hope your
semesters are off to a good start so far.
r1s usual, the start of the spring semester
brings the start of another JFC process.
For those who aren't aware, the JFC, or
Joint Fun~ir~g Committee is a committee
of eight Undergraduate Student Senators
and one Graduate Student .assembly
Representative. These students meet to
allocate part of the student activities fee to
student organizations which have fiuzded
recognition.
In the upcoming round of allocation, the
,:"`::: pool of money with which the JFC will
I'rn on the outsiii~~i~i~~iele work will increase. This extra money
you insist on it, at least it's better than bub- comes from the extra $4 every student will
ble-gutn pop. Moreso, if you can swing the be paying in the student activities fee next
r

highly amusing to check out. I say go for it
My show choice for the week (if you're 21) is
Robert Bradley's Blackwater Surprise, who
are playing the Hard Rock Cafe on Sunday
night. It's pretty much blues with bits and
pieces of other styles —rock, gospel, soul,
jazz, etc. —all mixed in. Robert Bradley is
one of the single most talented modern-day
blues artists and his shows often have the
energy and liveliness of a Southern Gospel
revival service. You should go if you have
any appreciation of blues, rock, or where
rock came from.
On Monday night, Staind bring their tour to
the .aJ. Palumbo Center down at Duquesne.
Don't all suddenly lose faith in me, I'm not
encouraging you to go see Staind. I mean, if
hefty price, you should go see the opening
band, Soil. It's effectively apoor-man's Black
Label Society. Good old Southern metal — if
r
you're not familiar with the genre, check out
Zakk Wylde's Black Label SociettiT, Down,
and on the louder side, Corrosion of
Conformity, Crowbar, and Pantera. But
effectively, it's metal and blues combined.
.Arid Soil rock hard. Sadly, they're only open-
• is time for student organizations who wish
.Arid on a random note, Stacey Earle does a
21 and over show at the Club Cafe on
Wednesday night. I'll be honest, I don't
know much about her, aside from being
alterna-country, but her older brother is
Steve Earle, one of the best songw~ters of
recent years, so it can't be all bad if yTou're
looking to just go to a random show
year. In past years, a dramatic increase of
funded organizations and a stagnant activ-
ities fee have forced the JFC to be tight
with its allocations. This year, the JFC will
be able to meet more of the requests of
more student organizations, while improv-
ing its procedure and efficiency.
Now that all of the gears are in motion, it
to go through the JFC process to think
about their budget. Treasurers of organi-
zations will find it helpful to review past
budgets and meet with their respective
executive boards to discuss the projected
costs and income of the upcoming year.
rl].so, I will be holding an information ses-
sion within two weeks for student organi-
zations who have questions about their
budgets or the process in general.

l~.s alwatiTs, if you have any questions or

1 Thought WE Were the
Tartans
~~pparently, some people in
Scotland (you know, where
~idrew Carnegie was from),
aren't happtiT that the country
doesn't acknowledge it's tra-
ditional cloth: The Tartan.
l~ntiThow, officials are plan-
iung anational datiT of p~de
called Ta.i-tan Day.
concerns about `=our student activities fee,
or anything else, email me at
sbt@andrew.cmu.edu, or stop by mti=
He'll Get Beat Up by A How Cute, office, UC 318F from 4 - 5 pm on
Son XP Just Like Lassie Would Wednesday=s.
Have Done
Jon Cuscak, reallti= big nerd Charlotte is 5 months old
and mostly likely a Cl~IU and a pryomaniac. Charlotte
grad, convinced his wife to is also a dog. She lit the fire
name their newborn son by tLirniilg the stove on,
John Cuscack 2.0. No word which ignited some garbage.
on service pack updates yet. Rescuers found the dog and
a hamster behind the couch.
"They were Wight next to
each other," said a firefighter
 Events and Things On and Off Campus
This font size is getting bigger and bigger
Wednesday, February 4 Theatre, 8pm, ~18, 21+
movie: Jackie Brown. McConomy. 7:30, 10;
12:30. $1 Sunday, February 8
concert: Luc, The Groinmits, The Animators, mov~,e~ Pulp Fiction. McConomy. 7, 10, 1. $1
Urge Overkill @Club Cafe, 7:30pm, $5 concert: Robert Bradley's Blackwater Surprise
concert: Ambition, DJ Solomon, The Profits @ Hard Rock Cafe, 9 pm, $13, 21+
@ Rosebud Cafe, 7pm, $8-10.
Monday, February 9
Thursday, February 5 concert: Stain.d, Soil, LoPro @ A J. Palumbo
movie: Reservoir Dogs. McConomy. 8, 10, 12. Center, 7:30 pm, $28.50
$1
readme: meeting. 3rd Floor UC Lounge. 6pm. Tuesday, February 10
concert: Commander Cody @Club Cafe, 7:30 art: Sex Works Art Show @ Mr. Roboto
pm, $16, 21+ Project, 7pm, $7
concert: Mindy Smith @Club Cafe, 7:30 pm,
Friday, February 6 $10, 21+
movie: Kill Bill Vol. 1. McConomy. 6, 8, 10, 12. concert: Finger Eleven @Club Laga, 7:30 pm,
1 $12
a~~: Senior Design Show opening Reception @ concert: Rose Hill Drive @ Mr. Smalls Fun
The Frame. 7pm House/Theatre
concert: End of Vega, Infinity Number of concert: Gaelic Storm @Rex Theatxe, 7:30
Sounds, New Marianna Prosperity, Omolara @ pm, $15, 21 +
Club Cafe, 8pm, $7
concert: Free rock show @Brave New World. Wednesday, February 11
7pm concert: Stacey Earle &Mark Stuart @Club
concert: Heiruspecs @Shadow Lounge Cafe, 7:30 pm, $10, 21+

Saturday, February 7
movie: Intxolerable Cruelty. McCnomy. 6, 8, 10,
12. $1
concert: Free hip hop and open mic @Brave
new World. 7pm
concert: One21 @Backboard
concert: Lucy Kaplansky @Club Cafe, 7:30
pm, $16, 21 +
concert: Mosquitos @Club Cafe, 10 pm, $10,
21+
concert: Michael Burks @ Moondog's
concert: Stuttering John &Friends @Rex
Do you have events?
Do you like FREE advertising?
YOU DO?!
Email crotella@andrew.cmu.edu with your event informa-
tion. Include a description, the time, date, location and
cost. We will include it in this event listing ABSOLUTELY
FREE! Believe it or not, people actually read this thing.
I mean, you are, right?