WOR K - Z I N E

Volume 1, Issue 2
22nd July 2009

CLAWING TO THE TOP

WHERE WILL I EAT? EDITOR’S WORD

IN THE NEWS Its almost 1pm and your body is expectant. Your mind could be Its that time again, an-
• Drought and famine cause in any state. If it’s the beginning of the month, then you are other issue is out. More
upheaval in East African relaxed and happy. You will be going to that restaurant nearby stories and literary mas-
Region which serves lousy food but has good ambience. Their prices terpieces for you to
are a bit on the high side but that’s ok. Maybe you will take read. Columns have
• Cheap broadband nears as Betty out. If it’s the middle of the month, you will not take any-
seacom cable reaches Kam- been added and some
body out. Your mind will be whirling round as you try to sneak are changing.
pala. out of the office to that really cheap place. You suddenly re-
• Disappearing Bank Scam: membered that you have a budget. If it’s the end of the month,
your mind is quaking. You will brush off any invitations since Let me tell you, being an
Scammers set up fake bank editor is all work and no
in Malaba town and take you don't know if you will be paying. You meals are reduced to
two : breakfast and prayer!! Lunch time at work can be a whole glamour. Perry White
100,000$ in deposits
set of drama. Some organizations provide it. Solome<BoU> en- lied. And before I con-
• Scientists claim to have joys the buffet “The organization pays and we only put in a to- tinue, at the moment, we
grown human sperm in a ken amount. I sometimes eat out to get variety but I never worry are not paying for arti-
lab from stem cells about lunch”. Barbara <MTN> also gets food at work. “Its cheap , cles.
its affordable. Its available” Shamsi <HUAWEI> enjoys the same
• Charles Taylor begins privilege “Don’t visit me during lunch time” she once told me.
own defence at the The look of the magazine
Others get lunch from workshops or meetings. Sarai <Withheld> has changed and will
Hague looks forward to such: “I cant wait to go back to Serena. That
continue to change for
dessert table is amazing.” But for Arthur <Min of Education>, it’s
• African Union threatens your viewing pleasure.
a different story, “I have to either order in some fake food or
to pull out of ICC as look for a good joint” Aggrey <Barclays > faces the same sce- don't hesitate to send in
Bashir cancels Uganda nario: “We have to pay for the food. I mean , what is salary for?” your articles or events
trip over arrest fears Ben < DFCU > is too busy to have lunch: “I don't have time. for a free mention. Enjoy
Maybe later” .Betty <self-employed> orders in :”I cant afford to
• Ugandan Opposition MP
leave my desk. What if a customer comes ?”Some companies
quits over fraud ,sending have made arrangements with different restaurants. Ann
shockwaves through <Orange> dines at a subsidized price from Yasmins : “They have
political landscape good food and it’s a special rate.” Ronald <UAP > benefits Inside this issue:
• Clinton stirs up a storm greatly from a similar arrangement with Ninaz : “its very con-
venient.” Danny <MUK> works in Makerere and has it better:
in Asia Cleanmax 2
“home is a few feet away. I always get good food, moreover
• British prison Officer free.” Some pack lunch while others drive home after picking
Jinja 3
claims she was fired be- the kids at 1pm for food and a nap. Talk about killing two birds
cause she was too pretty with one stone. Some who are upcountry don't feel the pinch
since food is very cheap . Regardless of what you do, its obvi- The Office Bitch 4
• Pope breaks wrist in fall ous that lunch at work is a big issue. And sometimes you have
to fast to get through it. Mariam <Heifer> has weekly fasts which Afro-saga 5
• Mount Kilimanjaro makes she says help her sometimes when she is broke. “They coincide
shortlist for new seven with my broke periods so I end up saving on money which I The boss is back 6
wonders of the world don't have in the first place.” Yasin<withheld> loves the ramad-
• MTN group in merger talks han period . Its like killing two birds with one stone. I’m fulfilling TO those we have lost 7
with Indian Company my religious duties and also spending less. I can’t wait for Rama-
dan. Esther<LDC> shares the same view on lent, “I get to edit Idler’s corner 9
• Wireless power system a stuff that is not good for my body , soul and pocket out of the
step closer menu.” Talk about Soul food. Prose and poetry 11
 VOLUME 1, ISSUE 2 PAGE 2

O RG A N I S AT I O N I N F O C U S : C L E A N M A X t h e E x t e r m i n ato r s
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or rodents (which is just a fancy name for rats)?
These are the guys you need to call. I mean, you don’t
want to be in the middle of a board
meeting and have a rat running
across the board room while trying
to close that multi million deal you’ve
been hoping to clinch for one year
now. You don’t want a situation
where half the staff are on sick leave because they’ve
caught malaria from the tonne of mosquitoes at the
office or their homes. But thanks to these guys it’s
Armageddon for all these creepy crawlers. Cleanmax
has staff who are well trained in handling, storage and
application of fumigant (because all fumigants are po-
tentially harmful to humans if not handled properly).
All fumigants used by Cleanmax are approved at the
highest level by organisations like WHO (the World
Health Organisation). Cleanmax, conven-
iently located at Udyam House, has a
growing client base and the highest level
of professionalism. This team will give
you hassle free services, at the right
price. In addition to fumigation, Clean-
max offers routine office cleaning services. Log on to
their website at www.cleanmaxug.com for more infor-
mation, or call Andrew on 0782 639 282 to request your
free quotation.

S C A N DA L O U S

Whatever the case may be there is no excuse
for leaving those pictures on a company P.C.
Or did I get the story wrong?? (But seriously,
people, what is the IHK saga? I haven't got
any news or juicy pictures yet, so I guess it’s
not as interesting as the Zain one, where I
had the pictures first and the story later.)
Anyhow… I have to say that though the cul-
prits may have suffered a magnitude of hu-
miliation that I can't even comprehend, they
brought some… hmm what can I call it?
Really can't call it joy, can I? Let's just put it
this way - twas a dreary day and I couldn't
seem to keep my eyes open when I got this
email. After that my eyes were open. So
kudos to them!!
But kids, let’s forget taking pictures and
making home videos of something that sup-
posed to stay in the bedroom. The celebri-
ties may get more famous from such scan-
dals, but for us mere mortals, we get
burned. Burned really bad. So my advice to
you is mirrors for ceilings. At least they
don't have memory. Till the next session,
turn that camera off!
By Stella <Pseudonym> who works some-
where in Kamwokya and obviously has a
good internet connection.

quintessential wo r k e r : RO G e r F E D E r e r
Here is a run-down of Roger Federer’s 5.
15 grand slam presented with 15
interesting points. He is currently the
best worker in the tennis world. Hard
work, self belief and talent have led to
this.
6.
1. His current ATP ranking which
he got by winning this year’s title
at SW19 (Wimbledon).
7.
2. The number of times he has
made it into all four grand slams
in the same year (2006-2007).
8.
3. The numbers of times he has
won the Australian Open
4. The number of times he has
9.
been ejected from the French
Open by one player, Rafael
Nadal
The second player in tennis his-
tory to win Wimbledon 5 times in
a row. The first player was Bjorn
Borg. He marked this special oc-
casion with a white cardigan that
had 5 golden racquets embroi-
dered on it.
He is one of the six players to
have won the Career Grand
Slams
Number of years that he has
managed to win at least one
grand slam title
Number of losses in his streak of
21 consecutive semi-final or bet-
ter Grand Slam appearances
Number of opponents he’s faced
in the different Grand Slam finals,
and beaten
10. His Third Australian Major to be won and the
same Grand slam to be won without dropping a
set throughout the tournament
11. Number of consistent wins over on player en-
route to winning his career Grand Slam in June
2009. This was also the number of appearances
at Roland Garros without winning a title.
12. Titles won during 2006 season,
13. The Grand Slam Title that was his only one of the
Year 2008. This marked his streak of 20 consecu-
tive semi final or better Grand Slam appearances
14. First Title as a married man and Equals Pete Sam-
pras’ record for the most Grand Slam Titles in the
history of Men’s Tennis
15. New grand Slam titles Record
Provided by Micheal Kaliisa <AirUganda>
 VOLUME 1, ISSUE 2
How to be Employee of the month
TOW N AT A G L A N C E : J I N JA
I have a weakness for the kind of places which a bigger majority of
the Ugandan population would call boring. Peace and calm, fresh
air, easy-going-everything just make my day, which is why I didn’t
fret much about working in Jinja after graduating from the university.
The Jinja in the history books was a statement on its own; most
industrialized town in the country, lucky home to the source of the
great river Nile, had the only dam and hydro power station at the
time plus a host of other great features like Lake Victoria itself, Bu-
jjagali falls among others, which naturally make any place an excit-
ing place to be. Looking at it now, these things are still there… well,
at least the ones which will need a few more decades to be de-
stroyed by the stinging degree of negligence in this place!
This town is now a perfect example of a “has-been”. I look at some
of the buildings and I’m thinking; “I think I know what the Titanic
would look like if it was pulled out of the ocean”. Too bad no one’s
going to pay to see these houses coz they… well, they didn’t sink in
the first place and… almost all of them are like that! Some people
have tried the modern idea of paint but even that is like looking at a
curvaceous lady in a water soaked see through dress – it hides
nothing! When you see visitors around here wearing shades, it
probably has nothing or little to do with the sun!
Let me break it down for you: If you are the type who loves beautiful
urban city scenery… this is not the place for that! If you have a funny
liking for traffic lights, we don’t have any here! If you are used to
catching your favorite radio presenter on the drive home, better
stock up a few CDs! If you love shopping in nice stores, save it for
the weekend in Kampala! Theme nights at that bar or club that you
like??? I think we have one – ladies’ something at the Casino (the
only one of course). The last time I tried that I only found women
who could pass for my mother and a whole tribe of whores. I pre-
ferred to erase the memory (Shift + Del). In this town you can decide
to count your salary by spreading your notes along the street and
then picking them up one by one as you count and you’ll find all of
them. No one will steal anything because there’s NO ONE on the
streets!
Anyway, not all is dead and buried around here. A BRIEF stay here
will always have some really great things to it. It is only fitting to first
note the Nile experience that draws a lot of tourists from all over the
PAGE 3
CORRECTIONS COLUMN
• Mwisya Hamu Harvey has opened an interior design
and modeling material establishment not an art Gal-
lery as stated in the previous issue.
• Organisation featured last issue was AIESEC not
AEISEC. Apologies for the misspelling
• All writers featured here are sensible
IF YOU NOTICE ANYTHING THAT NEEDS CORRECTION,
PLEASE LET US KNOW
world. Besides seeing where the great river begins its tiring
journey to the red sea, I haven’t heard of a better place in this
country to go white water rafting or bungee jumping. The faint
hearted who won’t put up with any of the above can ride the
afternoons away on quad bikes or horses (sorry, we’re talking
about the faint hearted here…)
The fingers on one of your hands are more than enough to
count the decent hotels here but if you get one, be sure to
have the meal there too coz getting a decent meal here is a
perfect gamble. You might want to double check the depth of
your wallet too - talk about bad expensive food!
NOTE: If you easily get worked up by poor customer care,
don’t even bother stepping here!
For the typical Ugandan though, most of the things here are
very affordable. I haven’t been to any other place where I can
ride a boda boda for Shs200UGX (not even in my village)
although I usually add an extra Shs300 just to make sure the
guys doesn’t stop to pick up a second passenger like a taxi
would; like they do it here.
That’s Jinja! Easy everything!! No traffic jam, no of tear gas,
very fresh air, no noise pollution and you can be sure you’ll
die of anything else but a stampede! This place is perfect for a
get away if you are stressed, or may be to live in for at most a
couple of years (if you’re strong)… but not to settle in!
Eric Keba <Eskom>. The writer , I have nothing to say
about him but this is how he describes himself: “a mix-
ture of black bile and blood! Ok, in simpler terms, I won-
der what you would think of a cross between a Sanguine
and a Melancholic! Ok in much much simpler terms… I
wonder what my friends think of me!!! “
 PAGE 4
‘NTIL LIQUIDATION DO US PART.
2 days officially out of school, a close
friend of mine (as I would like to think)
quit his job and was moving on to wher-
ever. I thought to myself how dare he
resign, how could he leave this woman
called company, worse still she was ex-
pecting child as customers were at their
maximum. ‘Traitor!’ I felt like screaming
out loud.
Many days on I found myself wearing a
yellow t-shirt (actually I had 2 and I kept
rotating them through the week as I
washed one at a time – with a few repeti-
tions more than once). When I actually
got the 3rd shirt I gave it out so that I
could keep up appearances as someone
working in a big position in the grottos
telecom company famous for being yel-
low.
Job description; sell as many Sim cards
on the streets of Wandegeya, Bwaise,
Kawenpe, Maganjo, upto Luwero. Later I
was switched to Ntinda, Najeera, Ki-
watule, Kireka, Nakawa Market, as no
one monitored I stopped by my famous
kiosk in MUBS and sold a few simcards
Office CHARACTERS: The office know-it-all aka THE BITCH
Every workplace environment is dif-
ferent. However there are several
similarities that come to mind when it
comes to the characters involved.
They may manifest themselves in
different ways, but in more cases
than not these characteristics will
always come out strong.
The first one is the office know-it-
all/criticizer. This person is always a
Mr./Mrs. Right. This person thinks
they know it all and will always jump
to criticize despite the fact that you
maybe more experienced or higher
ranking than them in the office. This
person makes it a point to come to
your workstation from time to time to
watch you work, complete with com-
mentary.
Picture this. The other day I was busy
and most of the time I was explaining to
them on how they should read hard as
they too might be ‘lucky’ to get a job like
mine. I even took a very expensive lady
to an expensive restaurant and ranted on
how I was this all important guy, and yes I
did pay through the pores of my skin.
Kibuli, Kabusu, Namuwongo, Luzira, Kit-
intale, Wakiso, Nansana (mukilokole),
and Kasubi, sim cards sold like nothing.
Anyway this lie about a good life soon
came to an end. From selling LG tv’s to
Televison airtime, to clearing and for-
warding services and finally to Apparel in
Jinja(accommodation too expensive),
Mukono, Kayunga, Mayuge(very dull
town), Soroti (beautiful ladies there),
Mbale (the chapaties are too big, and
hotel rooms too small), Kumi(too dry,
dusty park), Sironko, Bugiri(too many
prostitutes), Kamuli(very polite people)….
I knew it was time to leave the profession
when I passed by a notice reading ‘ no
hawkers allowed” and was not sure if I
was allowed. With the ‘false’ promise of
being the best marketer I called the game
trying to concentrate on writing a re-
port that was way overdue, The office
bitch comes hovering my desk and
says, ‘This font is not good for this
report.’ I was shocked by this com-
ment to which I implored him to ex-
“It’s just a bad idea, you have
less experience than me and
your thinking is illogical.”
plain to me why it isn’t. He answers,
“It’s just a bad idea, you have less
experience than me and your thinking
is illogical.” Upon asking for further
explanation, I was told how I have an
attitude problem that I need to work
on and should listen to people who
know how to do things.
This character has a hard time mind-
WORK-ZINE
off and have at least managed a year
with my previous employer. A sign that
things are changing – for the better - as
I would like to think.
So there you are. I think my friend
whom I called a traitor is a saint when
compared with my ‘terrible’ record. So it
seems I am not as faithful as I thought I
was or ‘ought’ to be.
For you is it ‘ntil liquidation do you
apart’ or are you a traveler like I was or
might still be? Are you ‘building a ca-
reer’ or are you beating your own path.
Whatever your choice is, remember to
seize the moment, live to your true po-
tential, set your own goals, live your life
on your own terms, reach for the silver
of the moon and when you reach ‘there’
do not leave too soon, for right there in
that moment is all we laboured for.
Spare a little wine for me, as I hope to
arrive as well. Bon Voyage.
Rwakigumba Ronald.
It is not certain where the writer is
working at the moment.
ing his/her own business and has
flair for jumping at your mistakes
and criticizing. Nosy, mouthy, argu-
mentative are some of the words
that fit his/her description. He likes
to be right but never offers solu-
tions. A master of offering negative
feedback without being specific.
Very self centered and not a team
player.
This person usually has a big ego
that has to be massaged tenderly
so the best way to deal with them is
keep asking them for advice on how
to do even the smallest things.
They will feel flattered by this or
frustrated in their bid to make you
feel small and they move on to the
next person to offer their criticisms.
By Barns Impfura <The writer
works in Kigali and has an un-
pronounceable name. Try >
 PAGE 5 WORK-ZINE

AFRO SAGA (acronym: ASG)

This tale starts and ends with the white
man. The white man. He brought educa-
tion, cutlery, bad manners (‘mbu’), Eng-
lish, religion, burgers, Gucci, movies (that
we now pirate so they cost a mere
1500shs), e.t.c…e.t.c….This white man
came with a white woman and those ‘bu
things’ in physics that make televisions
work. As a result we were bombarded
with programmes showing heads adorned
with manes of soft, flowing, straight, not
black hair and we have been captivated
ever since.
Alas, the struggle (yes struggle) in the bid
to tame our un shake-able, un comb-able,
un wind-movable, un twirl-finger-through
able, un-good to go whenever-able black
hair, goes on. With options ranging from
tints, dyes, hot combs, irons (yes, the
same ones you use to press your
clothes), and artificial or natural exten-
sions (from some person or other who
was buried bald). Not to mention the
chemicals said to treat (apparently, hair
which is made up of dead cells does get
sick) and relax your hair. Please note that
this process is anything but relaxing and
usually results in scalding and searing of
the scalp, leaving wounds and open
sores.
So while our male counterparts saunter to
the barbers for a 5 minute haircut that
costs as “much” as 5k ( apparently this
more than covers all the ‘aspects of male
grooming’ per month), we have to prep
ourselves for a grueling 3 hours or so of
torture depending on the mood of Nas-
suna, Franko or whichever hair stylist is
available.
Against all odds, however, we will perse-
vere in attacking our hair with the same
ferocity that generations before us have
done (minus the wet look…surely, that
one had to go!!). Why? You may ask. Are
we not Africans? The stuff that flows
through our veins is void of cowardice
(refer to the following movies for illustra-
tion; ‘Shaka Zulu’, ‘Kunta Kinte’ and ‘I
Am Legend’).
This finally brings me to the point of this
article (note how I subtly bring this up at
the end…very smart I must say!). Oh
yes, the point of this article. Lunch al-
lowance, transport allowance, HAIR
allowance! Please feel free to bring this
up with whoever is in charge of these
things at your work place. I’m not sure
the accountants’ office is a good place
to start. I implore you to aim a little
higher. For God and your country. The
white man.
By Rebecca Abonyo <The writer has
artificially unruly hair>

RETIREMENT WATCH : BEST BUSINESS LESSON I LEARNT

You can do this job . You’re new and I’ve been patient
with you while you learnt the ropes. But I have to tell
you time for improvement is now. I’m not happy with
what happened in the meeting, neither am i interested
in going back over what went wrong. I’m interested in
making sure that everything goes right from here on
out.
I’m not going to tell you how to do your nuts and bolts ,
if I thought you needed help like that , you wouldn’t
have your job, I’d have never hired you.
This “fascination” with money, maybe its because you’re
younger. The poisonous flowers of greed. I understand
this is how other families work, but please understand
this is not what I’ve built or want to build. This is not my
tradition it is not what I want to see my family become!!!
What I’ve tried to build is a realistic organization based
on mutual interests, one that provided services people
wanted and profited from the good will that came from
that. Money is a by product of a business like that, not
an end in itself. Nobody forces anyone to trade with us.
They come on their own freewill and they are grateful
for the service. That’s paramount, that’s everything. The
profits are incidental. The profits are a by product of
good relationships, a good reputation that spreads by
word of mouth and causes other people to come to us,
seeking our services.
ask for assistance in getting into those positions. We help
people do all of this but it’s their choice.
Money ,he said, cheapens everything. As soon as you re-
duce the business of our tradition to mere money, you are
reducing us all to common criminals. This you cannot do.
Money is a by-product of doing things the right way, and,
once earned, its a means to other ends, be that expansion
of the scope of our business or whatever the good life etc.
A danger is making money your first impulse, you may
miss out on other things we can get that are worth more
than money, or that can lead to more money. There are
times when providing services for free can lead to profits
more than anything else, it’s a balance of course and it
takes time to learn it. It doesn’t come to anyone naturally.
it comes with lessons learnt and time, like I said earlier
maybe its coz your younger.
The business relationships we build, as soon as they come
to be about money, as soon as what you r handing out is
a bribe instead of a tribute, what you’ll find is that people
you could trust instead believe they can sell themselves or
their services to the highest bidder. And who do you
think loses out in the end? Us ,I said.

The same principal applies to people in positions of Provided by Karugaba Roy <UTL >
power. Nobody forces those people to come to us and
 PAGE 6
He said he would return on the first day of the week,
and that would mean he’d report to office on the sec-
ond day of the week. It doesn’t need rocket science to
figure that out. What needs it, however is what people
use to determine the first day of the week.
Now forgive me for believing that on the last day, God
rested. The Sabbath. A Sunday. Could have been a
Saturday, but I’m almost sure my boss is neither a
seventh day Adventist, nor is he a Jew. Monday thus
marks the beginning of the week, making it, the FIRST
day.
Now someone please try telling me why the Boss is
back?
You can imagine my shock, trauma and escalation of
the heart beat all at the same time, when I look at my
phone and it is none other than my boss calling. I would
have gladly picked up had it been his mobile number,
because these days, apparently one can keep the same
number when they cross roads and railways, consider-
ing he went by bus. But no. I wasn’t even respected
enough to be shocked on phone. The shock had to come
before that. Hmmmmm. Stupid office landlines.
So now what is a girl to do? I can’t ignore the call
because eventually, he will get angry enough to draft
my resignation letter, and force me to accept it as my
idea. (Like how the presidents of those developed coun-
tries in Jack Bauer fire their Chief of Staff). So hon-
estly someone tell me, what is a girl to do?
I could tell the truth, which is that I am stuck in traffic
jam!!
Thing is, my boss left for someplace on Wednesday,
saying he would be back at the beginning of the follow-
ing week. You know when the boss is out, only the
wierdos go to work, unless there is this really annoying
wierdo who keeps updating the boss on everyone’s late
coming. So anyway, my Grandmother had been begging
me to go see her, so she can proclaim to her haters
how her grandchild has grown, but I have always been
busy. But the absence of my boss presented an oppor-
M y P L AY L I S T — D E P R E S S I N G M U S I C
• Eleanor Rigby- the Beatles
• Fade to Black – Metallica
• Bitter – nine days
• The river – Bruce Springsteen
• The wrestler – Bruce Spring-
steen ( tis a wonder this guy
hasn't blown his brains out yet)
• What Sarah said – Death cab
The boss is back.
tunity, and I decided I’d go visit her for one day. Just
one day. I had planned for Thursday, but the wierdo
didn’t react to her contaminated lunch as early as I’d
expected, so I had to wait till Friday afternoon. As soon
as she left, I also headed to Arua park, and boarded
that bus to granny land. I was lucky to get Otada. That is
the fastest bus that hasn’t yet reported any accident.
Four hours later, I arrived, but it was too dark to trek
the 3km to my home, considering it was out of town. I
thus proceeded to some funny lodge. At 2500Shs a
night, I wasn’t obliged to complain about the leaking
roof and healthy bedbugs; the demons responsible for
my sleepless night. The following day, Saturday, I was
lucky to get a cheap bicycle heading to Grannyville.
500shs all the way. He attempted to say. He obviously
I tell the Boss that I’ll report to office as
soon as possible, then I announce battery
problems and switch off my phone.
didn’t get it right, but I got the point. I sat. The boy
peddled. I felt sorry. Honestly, for 500shs, I wouldn’t
have carried myself up those slopes. Halfway the jour-
ney, he seemed to be sharing my line of thought, be-
cause he decided he would rather have no supper than
suffer under my weight. I was left stranded in the
middle of dust, because that is all you could see. I
walked.
Finally, three hours later, I arrived. All those things
villagers do to welcome the elite from Kampala were
done. Performances, sacrifices, cutting of trees, you
name it. These things really take long, and by the time
they were done, it was 3 in the morning. I had planned
to arrive Friday, show off Saturday and return Sunday,
but that was not going to be possible. The showing off
had to be postponed, and it had to take the whole day. I
• For cutie - lithium
• Broken – evanescence
• Breaks my heart — Monica
• Nothing compares – prince
• You've lost that loving feeling
– the righteous brothers
• Today it's me - Philly Lutaaya
• How to save a life - The Fray
WORK-ZINE
thus had to postpone my departure. Monday morning,
I’d be on Otada, and by 2pm, I’d be in Kampala. Maybe
I’d even pass by the office, give my boss a call, and
wish him a safe journey.
Now Monday comes. My cousin offers to ride me to
town, and knowing that would take a few good hours,
we decide to rise early. By 6am we were on the road.
We reached the outskirts of town at 8.45am, and just
as we joined the morning jam, the phone call came. I
didn’t even know there was signal in my village. Damn
those ambitious MTN people.
So this is where I am now. Should I, or shouldn’t I? To
do or not to do. That is the question.
I decide to do. I pick up, tell the Boss that I am stuck
in jam. Just so you know, the bicycle jam can be very
heavy! Worse than the car jam in Kampala. In Kam-
pala you can get out of the car and get a boda to go
through the jam. In Grannyville, totally different
story. The bicycles are all moving at once. If one
cyclist is tired of peddling, he can ask his neighbor to
peddle for him a little. Once you are in the middle, it
is advisable not to get off till you reach your destina-
tion.
I tell the Boss that I’ll report to office as soon as
possible, then I announce battery problems and
switch off my phone. My mind is now racing. Even if I
try so hard, the earliest I can be there is 2pm. Maybe
I should have heart failure on my way, thereby forc-
ing the Boss to feel sorry instead of firing me. All in
all, I cannot afford to lose this job. Not with the accu-
mulating bills I have. If I lose this job, how will I afford
to buy hair. It is expensive these days, not to mention
nails, eyebrows, and teeth. Anyway, let me reach
Kampala and see ekigenda maaso! I’ll take it from
there.
By Sara Akelly
• tears in heaven—eric clapton
By Stella Nantongo
Send in your play lists for what-
ever situation or just for easy
listening
 TO A L L W E H av e l o s t

pip
If anyone needs me
Tell them I am not here
If anyone wants me
Tell them I can’t be there Mugabe kaijuka
If anyone seeks me
Please do not despair
I just can’t be with you
Though I want to touch you
And hold you
That can not be Regina Sanyu Nansamba
But if you really want me Edward Muwaga

In your heart is where Giles C.A. Okot

Abraham Karugaba
I’ll be. Wabyensi
Anita Kamaliza Gatare

ox
Timothy Agaba
I have a good one, a good life. I mean, I have a steady job, a
car to get me from home to work every day and back home…
did I mention I live alone? Yep, I have moved out of my dear
parents’ home, out forging a living for myself like any other
self respecting boy-turned-man. They are proud of me. You
can see it when they show me off, when they boast about me
to their friends “My son is a lawyer,” they say. You can hear
it in their voices the few times we get to actually talk on
phone…
I have done well for myself…but times like this I keep ask-
ing myself, is it worth it?
My parents are proud of me, but they do not know that
their precious lawyer-son is nothing more than a glorified
secretary, when my boss says jump, I don’t have to ask how
high, just give it my best shot and come back for the tirade
on how I should have jumped, and how my poor jumping skill
reflects on him and the firm badly. What can I say? There
are so many people out there who would want my job. It pays
the bills, doesn’t it? But that’s all it does. Sure, it covers my
rent and barely makes it over my utility bills, and then what?
Thankfully I live alone, no family at home to feed even when
I can barely afford a morsel for myself. No family… yet.
She keeps dropping hints.
The car? Well, the bank owns most of it; soon I might have
to start driving around with a “for sale” sign glued to the
window; when I can afford the fuel. My home, well, that’s
barely a house, it has nothing on a home, just somewhere I
go to rest my weary bones at the end of a long work day,
only to be turned out of it early in the morning, too early,
but barely early enough to make it to work before my boss
says I should be there on the weekdays, usually too late to
avoid my landlord asking for his money over the weekends,
when I do have weekends…
And my parents, my proud parents. They show me off, they
boast about me, but when we talk it’s almost impossible to
miss. You can hear it in his quiet voice, but it comes out
clearer when her voice wavers and almost breaks, “when are
you coming home to see us son?” They miss me… “soon, I’m
busy now,” I lie effortlessly, dejectedly. I can’t let them
know I can’t afford the trip back home, can’t disillusion
them of their great expectations, and I can’t let them know
how much I miss them, almost as much as they miss me. For
twenty three years they have looked after me, for seven-
teen years they slaved to put me through the best schools
so I could be one of those that made it…
Life they call it, the good life. Then why am I slowly dying
inside?
Brian B. Coutinho
PERSPECTIVE
“If only I could call in sick …if only I wasn’t presenting at the board
meeting today…if only I wasn’t flat bloody broke. Damn it,
Monique, you have to figure out how to get through the whole
day, how to get to work!”
I pulled myself back to earth. I had locked my house up and had to
travel from Luzira to Wandegeya. And I had exactly Shs 50 with
which to start my day. I trudged down the road towards the
stage, my desperate eyes glancing furtively from left to right, seek-
ing a way out…. “How are you today, sweethearty wange?!” Crap!
The last thing I need today is this damn rolex maker irritating me.
Can’t some people stick to their levels? If I’d told him once, I’d told
him a thousand times to leave me alo…then again…
I turned toward him with my most delicate ‘Damsel in distress look
‘. “What was wrong with his sweetheart? Her ATM card was not
working? Eeeh, how sad! She needed to get to work? Oh, how
urgent! Unfortunately, he can only give his sweetheart Shs 1,000
and very welcome she is to it! He also has problems, I must under-
stand. In fact, when my ATM card is working, I could provide him
with a loan…”
Uh-huh. Right. I tripped off feeling considerably lighter. Shs 700 to
town, Shs 300 to Wandegeya, and from work I can confabulate
productively with the cashier. Twenty minutes later, I am cursing
my folly. Early morning fare to town is Shs 1,000. So. Exactly. I walk
thirty minutes in four inch heels to my workplace. With three min-
utes to spare to dash into the boardroom for my presentation.
That’s over at any rate. It is now lunch time. One needs money to
eat lunch. I am sitting at my computer with a glass of water, telling
everybody I have a stomach bug and do not feel like eating. The
reality is that I did not even have supper yesterday. I am SO hun-
gry. I am hungry and miserable and numb because the Cashier
called in sick today. How ironic. How right, How bleeding natural.
How I want to cry.
Five O’clock. How to get home. Was in the toilet with a stomach
bug-naturally-and missed all my potential lifts. Excellent. Went
back into the toilet to cry. But its okay, I developed an idea while I
was in there! I saunter into the Senior Accountant’s office, whose
eyes, I have noticed, are always raking my body.
“How is my Fred today? Okay? It makes me SO happy to hear
that!” I casually unbutton my coat to reveal my white blouse and
its expanse of cleavage. God I hate myself.
So, how long is he in office today? Up to seven? Hey, me too!” I sit
in the chair close to him and cross my legs, allowing the skirt to
inch high up my thigh. His eyes bulge and he fiddles with his tie.
“Will he give me a lift home, maybe? If it’s not out of his way? Oh,
well, if he so desires we can probably stop off in town for sup-
per…”
I brush an imaginary speck of dust off his collar and lean in close
to admire the repugnant odor coming off his shirt. I sniff deli-
cately. “His cologne is so…lovely. I really cannot get enough of it.
Hey, the cashier had Shs 20,000 of my money and she missed
work today, I am in such dire straits…What a lovely tie my Fred
has…” My hands trace its entire length, letting my fingers brush off
his chest ever SO lightly.
Bingo. Dinner at the Serena. A lift home. And money in my wallet.
And tomorrow is pay day. I can sort Fred out before he and the
cashier cross paths!
By Louise Kukunda
VOLUME 1, ISSUE 2 IDLER’ S CORNER

R AMB L INGS
hey abid, i thot u had forgotten to send me the e-zine, consid-
ering the rest got theirs in the morning! im glad u didnt forget! i
cant believe u put up the article! but i must say i like it now.
much more than i did earlier. so here is another one iv written!
tell me if u want it 4 ur next issue (if its good enuf) or if i shud
put it on my blog! then again i cud do both coz the e-ziners
dont read my blog! nwe here it is. some lumpen (my sis to give
the lumpen a name) is tekin like forever to tell me wat she
thinks abt this b4 i submit, n frankly i am gettin tired of waitin
for her to say she approves! i cant show Mike coz i know he
wont like it n walahi talabilahi lahi (God knows im tellin the
truth) i cant handle another 'OMG SO LOUSY!' from him! from
u, im sure u see crap everyday! not wit everyone wantin to
submit smthin! so anyway, get back to me on wich u like! o
better still soon wat u think! if its not gd enuf blame it on the
severe lack of A-A-A-A-A-Alcohol! anti they have started refus-
ing us to tek booze 4 breakfast! hmmmmm! if only i could pour
it into grapes like my boss then pretend im eatin cereal! nwe
wama u see how it bees so unfair! ( they shud put that bees
thing in the dictionary! it bees soundin so classy!) the rest of us
cant but him he can! then again, we cant complain! he pays!
we receive! good enuf 4 me!
Ok i dont know why im writin u an email...........................
sm1 tell me y??
God i must be so bored! lemme chek if this other idle worker is
online!
bye! later!
as in reply like in ten minutes!
I forgot, u can add n subtract, bt if u end up hangin mo than
0.1% of the article, that will mean ur hijackin my work, of wich i
can sue u 4!
sometimes i think i write more interestin emails that articles! i
think i shud work as the person who writes emails for ple! to-
labba! as in like a speech writer or smthin! eh! i think i just
found my calling! I knew it would always be behind a desk!
nwe back to the point! wait! wat was i seyin????????? i dont
remember! thez a way i be writing the way im speakin in my
head! maybe i shud tek wat ple say seriously n go see a psy-
chiatrist! is that the spelling??? aoba thez an ech smwer! ech
as in the letter H! ok im done here! he just logged on again!
waitin 4 ur reply!
Akelly

N OT AG A I N
Okay okay okay, JEEZ!! For three weeks
I’ve been avoiding this moment, three
weeks!! And now it has finally caught
up with me and my crazy idiot of a
workmate has the nerve to ask me what
I am writing… and now there he goes
putting on the worst music this side of
the north pole, what is he mad? And he
is looking at me like I am the mad
one…. Sheesh!!
Wait, just what was I talking about be-
fore? Oh yeah, this oaf who passes for
an editor. Can you believe he had the
nerve to call my hard work well written
nothing? I mean seriously, he doesn’t
even really do the real editing for the
mag, rather zine, all he does is chill in
office pretending to do all-nighters
when all he is really doing is pulling
other peoples strings to do the real
work… that and u-tube, and replaying
the same all stupid song over and over
and over….
I remember signing off last time cuz all I
could think of doing at that time was
breaking into song and even I couldn’t
bear the thought of that, but you’ve
shoved me into a corner. Just keep in
mind, when people start singing along
and you can’t get my song out of your
head (I’m pretty sure it’ll be a hit and then
I’ll have to go pull a Kurt Cobain and go
off myself. Wait, you don’t know who
Kurt Cobain is? Really? Go google him or
something, it’s the beginning of wisdom,
google I mean.), you asked for it. (that is
what all r n’ b (rap, nonsense, bullshit?)
“artistes” do these days right? Put a very
old spin on a few random clichés that
don’t have to make sense and suddenly
every tom mike and Stella is singing along
to “ you are my bread andi butter or “kiss
me thru the pho –o-o-o-o-o- o -o-o-o-o-o-
o-one… seriously!!!)
Here it comes… wait, he did ask for just
half a page, right? I’m saved!!!
By Brian B. Coutinho <The writer has a
problem with deadlines and everybody
called Tom, Mike or Stella>
FUN SITES
http://www.humanmetrics.com
http;//www.cracked.com
www.campuser.net
S AV E D
You're probably thinking i was saved from a pile of dirt lurking under the toilet seat be-
cause one of the employees at the company could not flash? Ok, been saved from that, but
that's for another time. This probably puts me in the cleaner's debt even after eternity in
hell, and incase i forget to repent that is surely where i am headed. Before I begun this
article, i did give some thought to the perceptions that many would get of me, and I con-
templated writing in third person narrative so as to make an unknown being take the 'bog-
looks' as she walks down a path. But I decided against it. you go think what you want, I’m
just so happy that the cleaner saved my arse!
It all started on my first day at work. I was given a workstation that also happened to be
the server. I was also given stern warnings to mind what i downloaded and which pages i
opened, as any virus acquired could affect all workstations connected to the server. Of
course on everyone's first day at work, all you have to do is avoid questions and nod in
agreement so that whoever is taking you around returns to what actually earned them the
job in the first place. As days passed, i got so comfortable with the internet. I must say i
had never before in my entire life, had access to fast internet without someone telling me
to hurry up. I was ecstatic. This was not happening to me. It was the best thing that had
ever happened in a long time. I was on facebook every second waiting for anyone to
sneeze so i can comment. I even started having conversations with East Africa Radio
Station, and those other pages open to promote awareness. One day, i decided i was tired
of people complaining about my too much availability, so i decided to find a new hobby.
Luckily, or unluckily, a friend of mine, (we shall call him Tony), was thinking the same thing.
So this day, Tony IM’s me a web page, and asks me to check what's on it because he was
constantly being watched by promotion seekers. So bored me agrees. What the heck, its
just a page!
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was the reaction called for though a part of me was thinking
about how I should try that out. Now i don't understand why such websites always have
huge letters that can grab the attention of someone behind a wall. Thank God my computer
has no inbuilt speakers, because im sure the page opens with sirens. i cannot begin to
describe what i saw, but just know, things were flashing on the screen, and that is when
the computer decided to freeze. Footsteps were getting louder, its only now that i admit
they must have been imaginary. I felt all eyes were on me. I had to switch off from the
main switch and just know, the panic attack that came on was severe. Days passed, and i
forgot about that scene.
One evening, the boss asks me to stay behind and help him put together a bidding package,
complete with all the documents. I set about doing this in his office, while he wandered
about. A few minutes later, he walks into the office with that stern look on his face, and
goes like,
<em>'Princess (lets say that's the name), what did I tell you about surfing porn at
HUMOUR CENTRAL : BABIES DO’s and don't’s
work?'</em>. Before i could even say anything, he adds, <em>'I really do not care what
you're dirty mind wants and does not want to see, but please, take this as a last warn-
ing!'</em>. The night was spoilt. I walked home contemplating how to draft my resignation
letter. Or should i just leave and never return! I never thought i would, in a gazillion trillion
years live through such embarrassment. But surprisingly, by morning, i had changed my
mind. I had prepared a denial speech, and he was going to have to believe me. That whole
day, the boss acted like nothing had happened. I'm still deciding if that was worse.
Anyway, two weeks later, there was a problem with the internet. For some reason, it was so
slow. The boss comes down to my workstation, along with two other respectable employees
who respect me, and announces.. <em>'Princess, i warned you already. I really hope i will
not have to do it again!'</em>
As confident as ever, I excused him to go ahead and do his thing. He started off with his
speech of how he is so good at computer things, and he can detect where and when a
website was opened, for how long, blah blah blah! He was trying to scare me into a confes-
sion. I knew that. I had nothing to fear, but i was scared.
He checked the computer, and what do you know; website after website after website!!
I begun my tears. They usually get me out of alot. <em>'I swear it wasn't me. I swear! Maybe
someone uses my station when I’m out. Please believe me!'</em>
The look on the other employees' faces pushed me to plead some more. I was two inches
away from getting down on my knees. Just then, the almighty boss was overcome by rea-
son.
'What time do you come in for work?' he asked.
"Eight,' i lied. Come on, even God knows i had to sound credible. Besides, he comes in at 10
so he would never know 9 was my usual time!
'Who comes in before you?'
Almost in tears with shaky voice, 'I don't know! I find the gateman and cleaner here.'
Sternly, 'Go call the cleaner and gateman!'
Hurriedly, i leave his presence.
The cleaner happened to have left, but the gateman was more than good enough for me. He
stood to tell the truth, and nothing but the truth, of how the cleaner, who was an s.6 vacist
at the peak of adolescence, loved to surf as soon as yours truly, (me) stepped out of the
building, and right before I arrived! With this heavenly news, i took it upon myself to com-
pletely clear my name, and went ahead to announce how, even the first time, i was wrongly
accused and embarrassed, I thought a salary increase would settle the misunderstandings,
but I had to just accept to let the boss off without even his apology.
All in all, I am eternally grateful to the cleaner, who, I'm sorry to say, got fired. My he go out
into the world, and save more employees!
Name of Writer and company employing her <obviously a her since I don't know of
any guy who dare calls himself Princess and cries to get out of trouble> with-held on
mutual consent
Pictures by David and
Kelly Sopp. All credits go
to them, for the marvelous
book! If you like it, you can
buy it : http://
www.amazon.com/Safe-
Baby-Handling-Tips-
David/dp/0762424915
 VOLUME 1, ISSUE 2
THE MA D TRUTH
Y E S T E R D A Y
I hate Butabika mental Hospital. There is no
way I can skip my medication because am al-
ways under supervision. There are crazy peo-
ple all around me who are either laughing or
getting angry. I think even the supervisors and
security officers are mad people because I
barely understand what they say.
I want to sue Butabika because I don’t know
how I got here in the first place!
Yesterday, my wife paid a visit after a very long
time. I asked her why she doesn’t help me to
get out because am tired of it. She said that am
so lucky to be here otherwise, I would be in
prison serving a life sentence. She explained
that, two days before I got here, I stripped na-
ked, run out of the house and started hurling
insults at the moon. With my son’s help, they
cuffed me and took me to Mulago Hospital.
While at the hospital, I masqueraded as a doc-
tor and took part in a surgery. I was arrested
but not before the patient lost her life.
T O D A Y cheerleader. a crumpled soft silk hanky of
I had a very bad quarrel with Ssemuju (my
room mate) last night. I became so angry and
hit him with a small metallic substance on his
head. He fell on his bed and didn’t get up again.
Maybe he fell asleep. That night while I slept, I
had a very funny dream. I dreamt that I slit Sse-
muju’s body open and ate some of his brain,
internal organs and bicep tissue. I plated the
rest of his brain and the tongue for my break-
f a s t . could he turn, to no-one could could he go. in
When I woke up, I checked in on him, and saw
that he was sprawled on his bed in the same
position in which I had left him. I assumed the
man was sleeping off a hangover because the
warden sometimes brings him wine.
At 2pm, I came back to my room after digging in
the gardens and found Ssemuju in the same
position. I became very puzzled. So I checked
for a pulse and heartbeat. Ssemuju was dead! I
reacted to this discovery not with remorse or
panic, but with eager delight. Finally I could
satisfy my curiosity about the inner workings of
the human body. I hurriedly wrapped him in a
bed sheet and hid him under his bed. Tomor-
row, I will try and steal a knife from the cafete-
ria.
Mugisha Ivan
PROSE AND POETRY
The Chimney Sweeper
Hung Chow calls in @ work and says, 'Hey, I no
A little black thing among the snow: come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stom-
Crying weep, weep, in notes of woe! ach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
Where are thy father & mother? say?
They are both gone up to the church to pray. The boss says, 'You know something Hung Chow, I
really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I
go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That
Because I was happy upon the heath, makes everything better and I go to work.. You try
And smil'd among the winters snow: that.'
They clothed me in the clothes of death,
And taught me to sing the notes of woe. Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what
You say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........You
got nice house. ‘
And because I am happy & dance & sing,
They think they have done me no injury:
And are gone to praise God & his Priest & King,
Who make up a heaven of our misery.
SOLO
William Blake
Etched on his face were lines of pure unadul-
terated agony. Desperately he tried to com-
fort himself. words of endearment he ut-
THE LAST STAND (Haiku)
tered,songs of encouragement he whispered,
To you my dear
pictures of hope he drew. he was his own
As I breathe my last
I start to live
virgin white he ran across his own face. yet
still the tears they flowed. Convulsions of
By David Musoke
pain racked his body as the sobs slowly es-
caped his mouth. thoughts of darkness
crowded his mind as the whimpers grew into
un-edited shouts of frustration. To none
utter desolation, he hugged himself and
waited for his fate.
ITS MIDDAY
its midday and I intend to keep it there...simply coz the sun is brightest ,washing away all my
fears, keeping me in constant anticipation of something good.......
At midday all the shadows in my life are shortest, my mistakes are erased so is my pain n
past........... midday takes the fear away and keeps me at the prime of my everything...... with no
shadows to haunt, torment or torture me......... as I bask in the joy of midday i smile coz am at the
top of fortunes will, at the prime of destiny n embracing my fate..........
full of a joy that had long gone.........i whisper a prayer to God not only thanking him for midday
but also saying GOSH ITS MIDDAY IN MY LIFE AND I INTEND TO KEEP IT THERE!!!!!!!
Faith Mirembe
 • Lantern Meet of Poets is
Events,Ads, and having a recital at the national thea-
Everything Else tre on 29th August from 5 till 9pm.
Come enjoy creative original Ugan-
dan Poetry and musical interludes
• Orange run: Join Orange staff jogging every Friday from Shimoni road to
Emin Pasha hotel and back. Congs to Ann for winning the dress.
• Galactico Inc in conjunction with K-KREW present:The Xtreme 2020
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• Mwanje Arthur and friends are daring their hearts on the 29th August by •
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• Bugolobi DYF will be holding a Youth Dinner on the 25th July at Hotel
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• Game Night and movies at Brian’s every Friday evening ,free, Scrabble
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Jimmy,Rowena Tumusimme, Hire Edward,,Monica Mugisha
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• Mac book pro on sale contact Edgar 0783950449 or Edwin 0771488001
price negotiable
• Join the Market Place Group on facebook to post your goods and check
All articles in this e-zine are provided by you. In case you want to contribute to a specific column or any random thought ,
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Remember this publication is free. All personal announcements are free. All adverts for start-ups are free. All party invites
are free provided the editor is invited!!!
out outstanding items
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Come and prove it (help to disapprove it) yourself this week-
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friends and widen your social circle, The Radar will hook you up! We will
help you mix and match with one important ingredient- Anonymity!. Want to
find out more? Call Louise on 0715-432626 or Greg on 0712-081454 to
schedule an appointment.
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