1

LOST CAT
MARY GAITSKILL

Almost two years ago I lost my cat Gattino. He was very yo ng! still a "itten! at certain. )or two wee"s a(ter #e %isa&&eare% &eo&le claime% to #ave seen #im* I

seven mont#s $arely an a%olescent. He is &ro$a$ly %ea% $ t I %on't "now (or tr ste% two o( t#e claims $eca se Gattino was $lin% in one eye! an% $ot# &eo&le tol% me t#at w#en t#ey'% ca g#t #im in t#eir #ea%lig#ts! only one eye s#one $ac". One g y! w#o sai% #e saw my cat trying to scavenge (rom a gar$age can! sai% t#at #e'% loo"e% +really t#in! li"e t#e r nt o( t#e litter'. T#e &at#etic wor%s str c" my #eart. , t I #ear% somet#ing $esi%es t#e wor%s! somet#ing in t#e coarse! vi$rant tone o( t#e man's voice t#at imme%iately ma%e anot#er emotional &ict re o( t#e cat- $ac" arc#e%! (ace a(rai% $ t e.cite%! $rimming an% rea%y $e(ore #e / m&e% an% ran! tail %e(iant! tensile an% croo"e%. A(rai% $ t rea%y* startle% $y a large male! t#at's #ow #e wo l%'ve $een. 0ven i( #e was wea" wit# # nger. He #a% g ts! t#is cat. Gattino %isa&&eare% two an% a #al( mont#s a(ter we move%. O r new #o se is on t#e o ts"irts o( a college cam& s near a wil%li(e &reserve. T#ere are woo%e% areas in all %irections! an% many #omes wit# %ecre&it o t$ il%ings sit #eavily! %ar"ly low $e#in% trees! in t#ic" (oliage. I s&ent #o rs at a time wan%ering aro n% calling Gattino. I & t (oo% o t. I & t a tra& o t. I & t # n%re%s o( (lyers s#e% or n%er t#eir &orc#. I contacte% all t#e vets in t#e area. 0very (ew %ays! &. I wal"e% aro n% "noc"ing on %oors! as"ing &eo&le i( I co l% loo" in t#eir

someone wo l% call an% say t#ey #a% seen a cat in a &ar"ing lot or $e#in% t#eir %orm. I wo l% go an% sometimes glim&se a gri11le% a% lt melting away into t#e woo%s! or $e#in% a $ il%ing! or n%er a &ar"e% car. A(ter two wee"s t#ere were no more sig#tings. I ca g#t t#ree (eral cats in my tra& an% let t#em go. It $egan to snow. Still searc#ing! I wo l% sometimes see little cat trac"s in t#e snow* near % m&sters ( ll o( gar$age! I also saw &rints

ma%e $y $o$cats or coyotes. 3#en t#e tem&erat re went $elow (ree1ing! t#ere was icy rain. A(ter a mont# I sto&&e% loo"ing. 4early every %ay I sat an% loo"e% (ace. o t t#e win%ow at t#e (iel% across (rom o r #o se! tears r nning %own my Si. mont#s a(ter Gattino %isa&&eare% my # s$an% an% I were sitting in a

resta rant #aving %inner wit# some &eo&le #e #a% recently met! incl %ing an intellect al writer we $ot# a%mire%. T#e writer #a% consi%ere% $ ying t#e #o se we were living in an% #e wante% to "now #ow we li"e% it. I sai% it was nice $ t it #a% $een &artly s&oile% (or me $y t#e loss o( o r cat. I tol% #im t#e story an% #e sai%! +O#! t#at was yo r tra ma! was it5' I sai% yes. Yes! it was a tra ma. Yo co l% say #e was n"in%. Yo co l% say I was silly. Yo co l% say #e was &riggis#. Yo co l% say I was wea". A (ew wee"s earlier! I #a% #a% an email e.c#ange wit# my sister Mart#a on t#e s $/ect o( tra ma! or rat#er trage%y. O r ot#er sister! 6ane! #a% / st %eci%e% not to e t#ani1e #er %ying cat $eca se s#e t#o g#t #er little girls co l% not $ear it* s#e %i%n't t#in" s#e co l% $ear it. 6ane lives in c#ronic &ain so great t#at

sometimes s#e cannot move normally. S#e is n%er great (inancial stress an% is o(ten res&onsi$le (or t#e care o( #er mot#er7in7law as well as t#e or&#ane% c#il%ren o( #er sister7in7law w#o %ie% o( cancer. , t it was #er cat's a&&roac#ing %eat# t#at ma%e #er cry so t#at #er c#il%ren were (rig#tene%. +T#is is aw( l!' sai% Mart#a. +It is not #el&ing t#at cat to "ee& #im alive! it's / st &rolonging #is s ((ering. It's sel(is#.' Mart#a is in a lot o( &ain too! most o( it relate% to %ia$etes an% (i$romyalgia. Her (eet # rt so $a%ly s#e can't wal" longer t#an (ive min tes. S#e / st lost #er to get! s#e may not get! an% w#ic#! i( s#e %oes get! will not $e eno g# to live on! /o$ an% is a&&lying (or %isa$ility w#ic#! $eca se it's $ecome almost im&ossi$le an% we will #ave to #el& #er. 3e alrea%y #ave to #el& #er $eca se #er #ealt#

ins rance 9 an% s#e #as t#e %isco nt "in% 9 &ayments are so #ig# t#at #er %oesn't want to $e t#e one every$o%y #as to #el&. An% so s#e tries to #el& s.

nem&loyment isn't eno g# to cover t#em. T#is is &ain( l (or #er too* s#e

S#e #as #a% cats (or years! an% so consi%ers #ersel( somet#ing o( an e.&ert* s#e wante% to #el& 6ane $y giving #er a%vice! an% s#e sent me several emails won%ering a$o t t#e $est way to %o it. )inally s#e (orwar%e% me t#e message s#e #a% sent to 6ane! in w#ic# s#e rge% #er to & t t#e cat %own. 3#en s#e %i%n't #ear (rom 6ane! s#e emaile% me some more! agoni1ing over w#et#er or not 6ane was angry at #er! an% won%ering w#at %ecision s#e wo l% ma"e regar%ing t#e cat. S#e sai%! +I'm a(rai% t#is is going to t rn into an avoi%a$le trage%y.' Im&atient $y t#en! I tol% #er t#at s#e s#o l% tr st 6ane to ma"e t#e rig#t %ecision. I sai%! t#is is sa%! not tragic. Trage%y is t#o san%s o( &eo&le %ying slowly o( war an% %isease! in/ ry an% maln trition. It's H rricane Katrina! it's age. t#e war in Ira:! it's t#e eart#: a"e in C#ina. It's not one creat re %ying o( ol% A(ter I sent t#e email! I loo"e% & t#e wor% +tragic'. Accor%ing to 3e$ster's

College ;ictionary! I was wrong* t#eir secon% %e(inition o( t#e wor% is +e.tremely mo rn( l! melanc#oly or &at#etic'. I emaile% Mart#a an% a%mitte% I'% $een wrong! at least tec#nically. I a%%e% t#at I still t#o g#t s#e was $eing #ysterical. S#e %i%n't answer me.
May$e s#e was rig#t not to. < I (o n% Gattino in Italy. I was in T scany visiting ,eatrice von Re11ori! w#o! in #ono r o( #er %ecease% # s$an%! t#e writer Gregor von Re11ori! #as ma%e #er estate! Santa Ma%%alena! into a small retreat (or writers. ,eatrice "new t#at I love cats an% s#e tol% me t#at %own t#e roa% (rom #er two ol% women were (ee%ing a yar% ( ll o( semi7wil% cats! incl %ing a litter o( "ittens w#o were very

sic" an% going $lin%. May$e! s#e sai%! I co l% #el& t#em o t. 4o! I sai%! I wasn't in Italy to %o t#at! an% anyway! #aving %one it $e(ore! I "now it isn't an easy t#ing to tra& an% tame a (eral "itten. +O#!' s#e sai%! +I t#o g#t yo li"e% cats.' T#e ne.t wee" one o( #er assistants! w#o was %riving me into t#e village! as"e% i( I wante% to see some "ittens. S re! I sai%! not ma"ing t#e connection. 3e sto&&e% $y an ol% (arm#o se. A gnarle% woman sitting in a w#eelc#air covere% wit# towels an% a t#in $lan"et greete% t#e assistant wit#o t loo"ing at me. $ ggy! overgrown yar%. Two "ittens! t#eir eyes g mme% & wit# yellow (l i% an% (lies swarming aro n% t#eir asses were o$vio sly sic" $ t still lively 9 w#en I $ent to to c# t#em! t#ey ran away. , t a t#ir% "itten! smaller an% $onier t#an t#e ot#er two! tottere% & to me mewing wea"ly! #is eyes almost gl e% s# t. He was a ta$$y! so(t grey wit# strong $lac" stri&es. He #a% a long /aw an% a $ig nose s#a&e% li"e an eraser yo '% stic" on t#e en% o( a &encil. His $ig7nose% #ea% was go$lin7is# on #is emaciate% &ot7$ellie% $o%y! #is long legs Scrawny cats wit# long legs an% narrow (erret #i&s stal"e% or lay a$o t in t#e

almost grotes: e. His ass#ole seeme% %is&ro&ortionately $ig on #is starve% rear. ;a1e%ly #e let me stro"e #is $ony $ac" 9 tentatively! #e li(te% #is &iti( l tail. I s#e agree%* t#is #a% no %o $t $een t#e i%ea all along. T#e #ealt#ier "ittens scam&ere% away as we a&&roac#e% an% #i% in a colla&sing $arn* we were only a$le to collect t#e ta$$y. 3#en we & t #im in t#e carrier! #e (orce% o&en #is eyes wit# a mig#ty e((ort! too" a goo% loo" at s! #isse%! trie% to arc# #is $ac" an% (ell over. , t #e let t#e vets #an%le #im. 3#en t#ey ti&&e% #im (orwar% an% li(te% #is tail to c#ec" #is se.! #e #a% a %elicate! m 11le e.&resse% stoic animality. It was a comical an% to c#ing (ace. nearly # man loo" o( & 11le% %ignity in #is one #al(7goo% eye! w#ile #is $l nt T#ey "e&t #im (or t#ree %ays. 3#en I came to &ic" #im &! t#ey tol% me #e as"e% t#e assistant i( s#e wo l% #el& me ta"e t#e "ittens to a veterinarian an%

wo l% nee% wee"s o( care! involving eye ointment! ear %ro&s an% nose %ro&s. ,eatrice s ggeste% I $ring #im #ome to America. 4o! I sai%! not &ossi$le. My

>

# s$an% was coming to meet me in a mont# an% we were going to travel (or I le(t! #e s#o l% $e well eno g# to go $ac" to t#e yar% wit# a (ig#ting c#ance. So I calle% #im +C#ance'. I li"e% C#ance as I li"e all "ittens* #e li"e% me as a

two wee"s* we co l%n't ta"e #im wit# s. I wo l% care (or #im an% $y t#e time

(oo% %is&enser. He loo"e% at me ne trally! as i( I were one more creat re in t#e worl%! al$eit a se( l one. I #a% to worm #im! %e7(lea #im an% was# encr ste% #e never trie% to scratc# me 9 I t#in" $eca se #e wasn't a$sol tely certain o( novel sensation rat#er t#an a &leas re. s#it o(( #is tail. He s: irme% w#en I & t t#e me%icine in #is eyes an% ears! $ t #ow I mig#t react i( #e %i%. He tolerate% my &etting #im! $ t seeme% to (in% it a T#en one %ay #e loo"e% at me %i((erently. I %on't "now e.actly w#en it

#a&&ene% 9 I may not #ave notice% t#e (irst time. , t #e $egan to raise #is #ea% w#en I came into t#e room! to loo" at me intently. I can't say (or certain w#at t#e loo" meant* I %on't "now #ow animals t#in" or (eel. , t it seeme% t#at #e was loo"ing at me wit# love. He (ollowe% me aro n% my a&artment. He sat in l lle% #imsel( to slee& $y gnawing so(tly on my (ingers. 3#en I &ette% #im! #is o t wit# #is &aw an% stro"e my c#ee". Sometimes! I wo l% wal" on t#e % sty roa%s s rro n%ing ,eatrice's lan% an% t#in" a$o t my (at#er! tal"ing to #im in my min%. My (at#er #a% lan%e% in Italy % ring t#e Secon% 3orl% 3ar* #e was &art o( t#e An1io invasion. A(ter is a &ict re o( #im stan%ing against an ancient wall wearing a s it an% a $eret* t#e war #e ret rne% as a visitor wit# my mot#er! to 4a&les an% to Rome. T#ere #e loo"s elegant! (ormi%a$le an% at t#e same time tentative! nearly s#y. On my wal"s I carrie% a large! $ea ti( l mar$le t#at #a% $elonge% to my (at#er* sometimes I too" it o t o( my &oc"et an% #el% it & in t#e s n as i( it mig#t ( nction as a con% it (or #is so l. My (at#er %ie% a slow &ain( l %eat# o( cancer! re( sing treatment o( any "in%

my la& w#en I wor"e% at my %es". He came into my $e% an% sle&t wit# me* #e $o%y wo l% rise into my #an%. I( my (ace were close to #im! #e wo l% reac#

(or as long as #e was a$le to ma"e #imsel( n%erstoo%! gas&ing +no %octors! no $ t ina%e: ately! an% too late 9 #e #a% $een sic" (or mont#s! na$le to eat (or

%octors'. My mot#er #a% le(t #im years $e(ore* my sisters an% I ten%e% to #im! wee"s at least $e(ore we $ecame aware o( #is con%ition. ; ring t#ose wee"s I t#o g#t o( calling #im* i( I #a% I wo l%'ve "nown imme%iately t#at #e was %ying. , t I %i%n't call. He was %i((ic lt! an% none o( s calle% #im o(ten. Once! w#en I #el% t#e mar$le & in t#e s n! I won%ere% i( a little $it o( my (at#er's c#ance to love #im $etter. I %i%n't really $elieve t#is. , t it %i% occ r to me. My (at#er #a% $een an or&#an too. My # s$an% %i% not li"e t#e name C#ance an% I wasn't s re I %i% eit#er* #e s ggeste% Mc)ate! an% so I trie% it o t. Mc)ate grew stronger! grew a certain one7eye% ra"is#ness! an engage% (orwar% : ality to #is ears an% an eagerness in t#e attit %e o( #is nec" t#at was gallant in #is (ragile $o%y. He & t on weig#t! an% #is long legs an% tail $ecame soign@! not grotes: e. He #a% strong nec"lace mar"ings on #is t#roat* w#en #e rolle% on #is $ac" (or me to &et #im! #is $elly was $eige an% s&otte% li"e an ocelot. In a con(i%ent moo%! #e was li"e a little gangster in a 1oot s it. Aensive! #e was still %elicate* #is #eart seeme% closer to t#e s r(ace t#an normal! an% w#en I #el% #im against me! it $eat very (ast an% lig#t. Mc)ate was too $ig an% #eartless a name (or s c# a small (leet7#earte% w#o %i%n't n%erstan% wor%s. +Mio %olce &iccolo gatto.' creat re. +Mio Gattino!' I w#is&ere%! in a lang age I %on't s&ea" to a creat re One nig#t w#en #e was lying on #is $ac" in my la&! & rring! I saw somet#ing

so l #a% $een reincarnate% in t#e $o%y o( t#is "itten so t#at I wo l% #ave a

(las# across t#e (loor* it was a small! s"y7$l e mar$le rolling o t (rom n%er t#e %resser an% across t#e (loor. It sto&&e% in t#e mi%%le o( t#e (loor. It was $ea ti( l! $rig#t! an% somet#ing not visi$le to me #a% set it in motion. It seeme% on t#e win%owsill ne.t to my (at#er's mar$le. a magical an% (orgiving omen! li"e t#e &resence o( t#is loving little cat. I & t it I s&o"e to my # s$an% on t#e &#one a$o t ta"ing Gattino #ome wit# s. I sai% I

#a% (allen in love wit# t#e cat! an% t#at I was a(rai% t#at $y e.&osing #im to

# man love I #a% awa"ene% in #im a love t#at was nnat ral an% &er#a&s too $ig (or #im. I was a(rai% t#at i( I le(t #im #e wo l% s ((er a loneliness t#at #e never wo l% #ave "nown #a% I not a&&eare% in #is yar%. My # s$an% sai%! +O# no! MaryC' $ t in a $em se% tone. I wo l% n%erstan% i( #e'% sai% it in a #ars#er tone. Many &eo&le wo l% consi%er my (eelings ne rotic! a &ro/ection on to an animal o( my own loneliness an% (ear. Many &eo&le wo l% consi%er it almost o((ensive (or me to (ellow $eings- (or e.am&le! or&#ane% c#il%ren w#o s ((er every %ay! not one o( seems t#at w#at #a&&ene% $etween me an% t#e c#il%ren I c#ose to love was a lavis# s c# love on an animal w#en I #ave $y some stan%ar%s (aile% to love my w#om I #ave a%o&te%. , t I #ave love% &eo&le* I #ave love% c#il%ren. An% it version o( w#at I was a(rai% wo l% #a&&en to t#e "itten. H man love is grossly (lawe%! an% even w#en it isn't! &eo&le ro tinely mis n%erstan% it! re/ect it! se it or mani& late it. It is #ar% to &rotect a &erson yo love (rom &ain $eca se

&eo&le o(ten c#oose &ain* I am a &erson w#o o(ten c#ooses &ain. An animal will yo ng # man. An% so I t#o g#t it s#o l% $e &ossi$le to s#elter a "itten wit# love. I ma%e arrangements wit# t#e vet to get me a cat &ass&ort* Gattino en% re% t#e

never c#oose &ain* an animal can receive love (ar more easily t#an even a very

in/ection o( an i%enti(ying microc#i& into #is slim s#o l%er. ,eatrice sai% s#e $oar% #im (or t#e two wee"s Aeter an% I travelle%.

co l% not "ee& #im in #er #o se! an% so I ma%e arrangements (or t#e vet to Aeter arrive%* Gattino loo"e% at #im an% #i% n%er t#e %resser. Aeter cro c#e% %own an% tal"e% to #im so(tly. T#en #e an% I lay on t#e $e% an% #el% eac# ot#er. In a (las#! Gattino gras&e% t#e sit ation- t#e male #a% come. He was c#est an% & rre% t# n%ero sly. He staye% on Aeter's c#est all nig#t. (rien%ly. 3e co l% all $e toget#er now. He came on to t#e $e%! sat on Aeter's 3e too" #im to t#e veterinarian t#e ne.t %ay. T#eir "ennel was not t#e : iet!

cat7only : arters one (in%s at

common area t#at smelle% o( %isin(ectant an% (ear. T#e vet & t Gattino in a

&scale American animal #os&itals. It was a

cage near t#at o( a # ge enrage% %og w#o $ar"e% an% growle%! l nging against %og rage%. T#ere was a little $e% in Gattino's cage an% #e #i% $e#in% it! t#en

t#e %oor o( its "ennel. Gattino loo"e% at me an% $egan to cry. I crie% too. T#e %e(iantly li(te% #is #ea% to (ace t#e gigantic growling* t#at is w#en I (irst saw t#at terri(ie% $ t rea%y e.&ression! t#at willingness to meet w#atever was coming! regar%less o( its si1e or its mercilessness. 3#en we le(t t#e vet I was crying so #ar% t#at ,eatrice's assistant! a man

name% Carlo! sto&&e% to get me some water at a roa%si%e (o ntain. In Italian! #e sai% to my # s$an%! +3#en I %ie I want to $e re$orn as Mary's cat. I #ave a$o t t#e "itten! any more t#an my sister 6ane was crying e.cl sively a$o t t#ings! crying a$o t t#e c#il%ren I once t#o g#t o( as mine. Caesar an% #is sister 4atalia are now twelve an% si.teen res&ectively. 3#en we met t#em in 2EE2! t#ey were si. an% ten. 3e met #im (irst. 3e met #im Fnearly all o( w#om are $lac" or His&anicG & $y $ s to stay wit# co ntry t#ro g# t#e )res# Air ) n%! an organi1ation t#at $rings &oor r$an c#il%ren (amilies Fnearly all o( w#om are w#iteG. T#e )res# Air ) n% is an organi1ation wit# an a ra o( &li(t an% #o&e a$o t it! $ t its &ro/ect is a %i((ic lt one t#at (ran"ly ree"s o( &ain. In a%%ition to Caesar! we also #oste% anot#er little $oy! a seven7year7ol% name% 01e"iel. Imagine t#at yo are si. or seven years ol% an% t#at yo are ta"en to a # ge city $ s terminal! #er%e% on to $ ses wit# %o1ens o( ot#er "i%s! all o( yo wit# $ig name tags # ng aro n% yo r nec"! %riven (or t#ree #o rs to a com&letely (oreign &lace! an% &resente% to total strangers wit# w#om yo are going to live (or two wee"s. A%% t#at t#ese total strangers! even t#ey are m c# $igger t#an yo an%! since yo are staying in t#eir #o se! yo never seen anyone love anyt#ing so m c#.' , t I was not crying e.cl sively e t#ani1ing #er ol% cat. At t#e time I %i%n't reali1e it! $ t I was! among ot#er

i( t#ey are not ric#! #ave materially more t#an yo co l% ever %ream o(! t#at are s &&ose% to o$ey t#em. A%% t#at t#ey are w#ite as s#eets. Reali1e t#at even

very yo ng $lac" c#il%ren #ave o(ten learne% t#at w#ite &eo&le are essentially t#e enemy. 3on%er- w#o in Go%'s name t#o g#t t#is was a goo% i%ea5 An% #ere is one more element to consi%er- we wante% to love t#ese c#il%ren. I

(antasi1e% a$o t serving t#em meals! rea%ing to t#em at nig#t! t c"ing t#em in. Aeter (antasi1e% a$o t s&orts on t#e lawn! ri%ing $i"es toget#er. 3e were aware o( t#e race7class t#ing. , t we t#o g#t we co l% overri%e it. Yo co l% say we were i%ealistic. Yo co l% say we were sel(is# an% st &i%. I %on't "now w#at we were. 3e were act ally only s &&ose% to #ave one! an% t#at one was 01e"iel. 3e got Caesar $eca se t#e )A) calle% (rom t#e $ s as it was on its way & ( ll o( "i%s an% tol% s t#at #is #ost (amily #a% & lle% o t at t#e last min te % e to a %eat#

in t#e (amily! so co l% we ta"e #im5 3e sai% yes $eca se we were worrie% a$o t #ow we were going to entertain a single c#il% wit# no availa$le wo l% (in% a $ac" & &lan. O( co rse it %i%n't wor" o t. O( co rse t#ere was no Caesar. Caesar was yo nger an% more v lnera$le in every way- less con(i%ent! lim$s an% an &laymates* I ma%e t#e )A) re&resentative &romise t#at i( it %i%n't wor" o t! s#e $ac" & &lan. T#e "i%s #ate% eac# ot#er! or! more &recisely! 01e"iel #ate% less ver$al! &ossesse% o( no at#letic s"ills. 01e"iel was lit#e! wit# m sc lar e.&ressive (ace col% an% mas"7li"e. Caesar was $ig an% &l m&! wit# %ee& eyes an% so(t (eat res t#at were so genero s t#ey seeme% nearly sm %ge% at t#e e%ges. 01e"iel was a clever $ lly! merciless in #is teasing! an% Caesar co l% only res&on% $y ine&tly $l stering! +Ima ( c" yo ;ee& %own! %on't yo want to get along5' +4oI' t#ey screame%. +He's glyI' a%%e% 01e"iel. +;ry & 01e"iel!' I sai%. +3e're all gly! o"ay5' &I' ngiving (acial symmetry t#at sometimes ma%e #is nat rally

+Loo"!' I sai%! +yo g ys %on't #ave to li"e eac# ot#er! $ t yo #ave to get along.

1E

+Yea#!' sai% Caesar! li"ing t#is i%ea very m c#. +3e're all glyI' +4o!' sai% 01e"iel! #is voice %ri&&ing wit# malice! +yo 're gly.' +Try again!' I sai%. +Can yo get along5' +O"ay!' sai% Caesar. +I'll get along wit# yo 01e"iel.' An% yo co l% #ear #is gentle! genero s nat re in #is voice. Yo co l% #ear it! act ally! even w#en #e sai%! +Ima ( c" yo c#arming smile. &I' Gentleness sometimes e.&resses itsel( wit# t#e violence

o( &ain or (ear an% so loo"s li"e aggression. Sometimes cr elty #as a very +4o!' sai% 01e"iel! smiling. +I #ate yo .' Caesar %ro&&e% #is eyes. < I %on't mean to s ggest t#at w#ile I was in Italy I was #eart$ro"en a$o t t#e c#il%ren. I %i%n't yet reali1e #ow m c# I #a% to $e #eart$ro"en a$o t. I sent was $ea ti( l! $ t crow%e% an% #ot! an% I was too ( ll o( sa%ness an% con( sion t#em &ostcar%s* I $o g#t t#em little gi(ts. 3e were in )lorence (or a wee". It to en/oy mysel(. 4early every %ay I &estere% t#e vet! calling to see #ow Gattino was. +He's (ine!' t#ey sai%. +T#e %og isn't t#ere any more. Yo r cat is &laying.' I wasn't ass age%. I #a% nig#tmares* I #a% a nig#tmare t#at I #a% & t my "itten into a $ rning oven! an% t#en watc#e% #im #o&elessly try to &rotect #imsel( $y c rling into a $all* I screame% in &ain to see it! $ t co l% not n%o my action. Aeter &re(erre% 01e"iel an% Caesar "new it. I m c# &re(erre% Caesar! $ t we #a% ma%e o r original commitment to 01e"iel an% to #is mot#er! w#om we #a% s#e co l% (in% anot#er #ost (amily (or Caesar. +O# great!' s#e sna&&e%. , t s#e %i% come s&o"en wit# on t#e &#one. So I calle% t#e )A) re&resentative an% as"e% #er i( & wit# a &lace. It so n%e% goo%- a single woman! a (ormer

sc#oolteac#er! e.&erience% #ost o( a $oy s#e %escri$e% as res&onsi$le an% "in%! not a $ lly. +, t %on't tell #im #e's going anyw#ere else!' s#e sai%. +I'll / st &ic"

11

#im & an% tell #im #e's going to a &i11a &arty. Yo can $ring #is st (( over later.' +O"ay!' I sai%! an% t#en &rom&tly too" #im o t to a &ar" to tell #im. I sai%! +Yo

%on't li"e 01e"iel! %o yo 5' an% #e sai%! +4o! I #ate #im.' I as"e% i( #e wo l% li"e to go stay at a #o se wit# anot#er $oy w#o wo l% $e nice to #im! w#ere t#ey wo l% #ave a &ool an%J +4o!' #e sai%. +I want to stay wit# yo an% Aeter.' I co l%n't $elieve it 9 I %i% not reali1e #ow attac#e% #e #a% $ecome. , t #e was tell #im #e #a% no c#oice. I & s#e% #im on t#e swing set an% #e crie%! +MaryI MaryI MaryI' An% t#en I too" #im #ome an% $etraye% #im. Aeter tol% 01e"iel to go into t#e ot#er room an% we sat Caesar %own an% tol% #im #e was leaving. +4o!' #e sai%. +Sen% t#e ot#er $oy away.' 01e"iel came into t#e room. +Sen% #im awayI' crie% Caesar. +Ha #a!' sai% 01e"iel! +yo go awayI' T#e )A) woman arrive%. I tol% #er w#at was #a&&ening. S#e sai%! +3#y %on't yo / st let me #an%le t#is.' An% s#e %i%. S#e sai%! +O"ay! Caesar! it's li"e t#is. (amily %ie% an% yo co l%n't go t#ere.' +Some$o%y %ie%5' as"e% Caesar. +Yes! an% Aeter an% Mary were "in% eno g# to let yo come stay wit# t#em (or a little w#ile an% now it's time toJ' +I want to stay #ereI' Caesar screame% an% cl ng to t#e mattress. +Caesar!' sai% t#e )A) woman. +I tal"e% to yo r mot#er. S#e wants yo to go.' Caesar li(te% #is (ace an% loo"e% at #er (or a searc#ing moment. +La%y!' #e sai% calmly! +yo a liar.' An% s#e was. I'm s re o( it. Caesar's mot#er was almost Yo were s &&ose% to go stay wit# anot#er (amily $ t t#en some$o%y in t#at

a%amant. 3e #a% t#e conversation t#ree times! an% none o( t#ose times %i% I

12

im&ossi$le to get on t#e &#one an% s#e s&o"e no 0nglis#. T#is is &ro$a$ly w#y t#e )A) woman screame%! act ally screame%! +How %are yo call me a liarI ;on't yo ever call an a% lt a liarI' Caesar so$$e% an% crawle% across t#e $e% an% cl tc#e% at t#e corner o( t#e mattress* I crawle% a(ter #im an% trie% to #ol% #im. He crie%! +Yo a liar too MaryI' an% I (ell $ac" in s#ame. T#e )A) la%y ma%e a no$le an% trans&arently insincere o((er. +Caesar!' s#e sai%! an% %ogs an%J' He screame%! +I wo l% never stay wit# yo la%yI Yo 're grossI Yo r w#ole (amily is grossI' I smile% wit# & re a%miration (or t#e c#il%. T#e woman crie%! +O# I'm gross! am II' An% #e was ta"en %own t#e stairs screaming! +T#ey always sen% me awayI' 01e"iel %arte% aro n%! act ally $loc"ing t#e e.it at one &oint as i( #e %i% not want Caesar to $e carrie% o t! #is $o%y saying! &lease %on't %o t#is! $ t #is mo t# s&ite( lly w#is&ering! +Ha #aI Yo go awayI Ha #aI' I wal"e% o tsi%e an% watc#e% Aeter carrying t#e so$$ing little $oy into t#e woman's giant SKL. ,e#in% me 01e"iel was %ancing on t#e ot#er si%e o( t#e an% remorse. I( gentleness can $e $r tis#! cr elty can sometimes $e so closely wo n% in wit# sensitivity an% gentleness t#at t#e cr el one win%s # miliating #is own so l. Animals are not ca&a$le o( t#is. T#at is w#y it is so m c# easier to love an animal. 01e"iel love% animals* #e was never cr el wit# s&ecial to c#. 0ven t#e s#y one! Tina! li"e% #im an% let #im to c# #er. Caesar! t#em. 0very time #e entere% t#e #o se! #e greete% eac# o( o r cats wit# a & %e(orming an% screen %oor! inco#erently ta nting me as #e so$$e% too! $reat#less wit# rage

+i( yo want! yo can come stay wit# me an% my (amily. 3e #ave a $ig (arm

18

on t#e ot#er #an%! was ro g# an% %isres&ect( l 9 an% yet #e wante% t#e cats to Aeter's cat ,itey li"e% more.

li"e #im. One o( t#e t#ings #e an% 01e"iel (o g#t a$o t was w#ic# o( t#em On t#e t#ir% %ay in )lorence I calle% Mart#a 9 t#e sister I later scol%e% (or $eing #ysterical a$o t a cat 9 an% as"e% (or #el&. I as"e% #er to comm nicate &syc#ically wit# Gattino. S#e sai% s#e wo l%. S#e sai% I nee%e% to %o it too. +He nee%s reass rance!' s#e sai%. +Yo nee% to tell #im every %ay t#at yo 're coming $ac".' I "now #ow (oolis# t#is so n%s. I "now #ow (oolis# it is. , t I nee%e% to reac# (or somet#ing wit# a loving to c#. I nee%e% to reac# even i( not#ing was an% sorrow. An% so I %i% it. I as"e% Aeter to %o it too. 3e wo l% go to c# rc#es &#ysically t#ere wit#in my gras&. I nee%e% to reac# even i( I to c#e% %ar"ness an% "neel on &ews an% &ray (or Gattino. 3e were not alone* t#e &ews were always ( ll o( &eo&le! ol%! yo ng! ric# an% &oor! o( every nationality! all o( t#em reac#ing! even i( not#ing was &#ysically t#ere. +Alease com(ort #im! &lease #el& #im!' I as"e%. +He's / st a little t#ing.' ,eca se t#at was w#at to c#e% me- not t#e $ig i%ea o( trage%y! $ t t#e smallness an% ten%erness o( t#is $rig#t! lively creat re. )rom Santa Ann n1iata! Santa Croce an% Santa Maria 4ovella! we sent messages to an% (or o r cat. I went into t#e #o se to try an% com(ort 01e"iel! w#o was so$$ing t#at #is mot#er %i%n't love #im. I sai% t#at wasn't tr e! t#at s#e %i% love #im! t#at I co l% #ear it in #er voice 9 an% I meant it! I #a% #ear% it. , t #e sai%! +4o! no! s#e #ates me. T#at's w#y s#e sent me #ere.' I tol% #im #e was lova$le an% in a #el&less way I meant t#at too. 01e"iel was a little $oy in an im&ossi$le sit ation #e #a% no %esire to $e in! an% w#o co l% only ma"e it $eara$le $y

mani& lating an% trying to # rt anyone aro n% #im. He was also a little $oy #is eyes. se% to ro g# treatment! an% my attem&ts at caring only ma%e me a s c"er in

As soon as I sai% +lovea$le' #e sto&&e% crying on a %ime an% starting trying to

1=

get t#ings o t o( me! most o( w#ic# I mista"enly gave #im. Caesar was se% to ro g# treatment too 9 $ t #e was still loo"ing (or goo% treatment. 3#en I went to visit #im at #is new #ost #o se! I e.&ecte% #im to $e angry at me. He was in t#e &ool w#en I came an% as soon as #e saw me! #e $egan s&las#ing towar%s me! s#o ting my name. I #a% $o g#t #im a li(e /ac"et %i% not ma"e me a s c"er in #is eyes. He #a% too strong a #eart (or t#at. , t #e got "ic"e% o t o( t#e new #ost's #ome anyway. A&&arently #e calle% #er a $itc# an% t#reatene% to c t #er. I co l% see w#y s#e wo l%n't li"e t#at. I %i%n't let it o t on me. 01e"iel was wit# me w#en I got t#e call a$o t Caesar's $eing sent #ome. T#e )A) woman w#o tol% me sai% t#at Caesar as"e% #er i( #e was going $ac" to #is +real #ome! wit# Aeter an% Mary'. I m st've loo"e% &retty sic" w#en I # ng t#e &#one & $eca se 01e"iel as"e%! +3#at's wrong5' I tol% #im! +Caesar got sent #ome an% I (eel really sa%.' He sai%! +O#.' T#ere was a moment o( (eeling $etween s 9 w#ic# meant t#at #e #a% to t#row a violent tantr m an #o r later! in or%er to %estroy t#at moment. A(ter 01e"iel le(t I wrote a letter to Caesar's mot#er. I tol% #er t#at #er son was co l% also see w#y Caesar wo l% #ave to let #is anger o t on some$o%y i( #e

so #e wo l% $e more sa(e in t#e &ool an% #e was t#rille% $y it* "in% treatment

a goo% $oy! t#at it wasn't #is (a lt t#at #e'% gotten sent #ome. I #a% someone translate it into S&anis# (or me! an% t#en I co&ie% it on to a car% an% sent it wit# some &ict res I #a% ta"en o( Caesar swimming. It came $ac"- move%! a%%ress n"nown. Aeter tol% me t#at I s#o l% ta"e t#e #int an% sto& trying to #ave any ( rt#er contact. Ot#er &eo&le t#o g#t so too. T#ey t#o g#t I was misse% t#e little $oy. I misse% #is %ee& eyes! #is cl msiness! #is generosity! #is acting o t o( g ilt an% I was. , t I was acting o t o( somet#ing else too. I ten%erness. I calle% t#e )res# Air ) n%. T#e (irst &erson I tal"e% to wo l%n't give me any in(ormation. T#e ne.t &erson gave me an a%%ress in 0ast 4ew Yor"* s#e gave me a &#one n m$er too. I sent t#e letter again. I &raye% t#e

1>

same way I later %i% (or Gattino- +S&are #im. Com(ort #im. Have mercy on t#is two mont#s a(ter #e'% $een sent $ac" #ome! #e %i%n't seem s r&rise% at all. Gattino #ear% s too. In t#e &ast! w#en I #ave le(t ot#er cats wit# a sitter (or

little &erson.' An% Caesar #ear% me 9 #e %i%. 3#en I calle% #is #o se nearly

two wee"s! on my ret rn t#e animal acts li"e it %oesn't "now me any more* I #ave to coa. it $ac". , t w#en Aeter an% I ret rne% to t#e veterinary #os&ital to claim Gattino #e & rre% at t#e sig#t o( Ma%%alena! #is little $o%y tense% wit# won%er w#en #e saw t#e room we #a% live% in toget#er* #e wal"e% t#ro g# it as i( ret rning to a lost "ing%om. My $o%y rela.e% too* I (elt sa(e. I (elt as i( I #a% come t#ro g# a "in% o( %anger! or at least a "in% o( com&le. ma1e! an% t#at I #a% %iscovere% #ow to ma"e sense o( nat ral $ea ty an% # man en%eavo r. Aeter was swimming in t#e &ool 9 I #a% / st emerge% (rom it 9 w#en ,eatrice & t %own t#e &#one an% sai%! +,a% news.' A m t al (rien%! a writer I #ave #a% $een swimming in t#e G l( o( Me.ico w#en a wave &ic"e% #er & an% went to email #im a message o( s &&ort. T#en we contin e% to lay a$o t t#e "nown since t#e 0ig#ties! #a% / st lost #is yo ng wi(e o( less t#an a year. T#ey smas#e% #er on a coral ree(. 3e tal"e% a$o t it (or may$e twenty min tes. I &ool. T#e #eat was t#ic" an% %elicio s! t#e trees an% (oliage vario sly te.t re% an% gently moving. T#ere were $ottles o( (i11y water an% little c &s (or es&resso &lace% near o r seats. Insects # mme% an% lilte%. T#e $ea ty was li"e a (ilm! a ga 1e (loating over t#e re% coral ree(! t#e man #ol%ing t#e %ying woman in #is arms! t#e &ain o( #er $ro"en $o%y entering #is. T#e ocean s rging aro n% t#em! teaming wit# $rilliant li(e. T#e ne.t %ay we went #ome. T#e tri& was a two7#o r ri%e to )lorence! a (lig#t to Milan! a layover! an eig#t7#o r Atlantic (lig#t! t#en anot#er two7#o r %rive. At )lorence Aeter was tol% t#at $eca se o( an im&ossi$le $ rea cratic &ro$lem wit# #is tic"et! #e #a% to leave t#e terminal in )lorence! get #is $ag an% rec#ec" s. 3#en we went $ac" to Santa

o( it. ,eatrice was gracio s an% welcoming* t#e estate seeme% a layere% %ream

1?

it (or t#e (lig#t to Milan. T#e layover wasn't long eno g# (or #im to rec#ec"

t#e $ags an% ma"e it on to t#e (lig#t wit# me! an% t#e airline FAlitaliaG #a g#tily in(orme% #im t#at t#ere was no room on t#e ne.t (lig#t. I $oar%e% t#e &lane alone* Aeter #a% to s&en% t#e nig#t in Milan an% $ y a tic"et on &eering intre&i%ly (rom #is carrier. anot#er airline* I %i%n't (in% t#is o t ntil I lan%e% in 4ew Yor" wit# Gattino An% Gattino was intre&i%. He %i%n't cry in t#e car! or on t#e &lane! even t#o g# #e'% #a% nearly not#ing to eat since t#e nig#t $e(ore. He settle% in &atiently! #is slen%er (ore&aws stretc#e% o t regally $e(ore #im! watc#ing me wit# a calm! con(i%ently &raise% #ea%. He eit#er na&&e% in #is carrier or sat in my la&! across (rom me. I( I'% let #im! #e wo l%'ve wan%ere% t#e aisles wit# #is tail &. T#is is very n s al (or a cat on an air&lane. Li"e I sai%! #e #a% g ts. More t#an me. More t#an most &eo&le. < T#e (irst time I calle% Caesar! #e as"e% a$o t ,itey* #e as"e% a$o t #is li(e /ac"et. 3e tal"e% a$o t t#ose t#ings (or a w#ile. T#en I tol% #im t#at I was sa% w#en #e le(t. He sai%! +;i% yo cry5' An% I sai%! +Yes. I crie%.' He was silent* I co l% (eel #is &resence so intensely! li"e yo (eel a &erson ne.t to yo in t#e &laying wit# me! wit# t#e &erson sitting ne.t to me! wit# t#e little girl sitting

%ar". I as"e% to tal" to #is mot#er 9 I #a% someone wit# me w#o co l% s&ea" to #er in S&anis# 9 to as" #er (or &ermission to #ave contact wit# #er son. I also $ea ty in #er voice 9 c rio s! vi$rant! e.&ansive in its warmt# an% longing. I sent t#em &resents 9 $oo"s mostly! an% toys w#en Caesar's $irt#%ay came. I tal"e% more to 4atalia t#an to #er $rot#er* #e was too yo ng to tal" to (or long on t#e &#one. S#e reac#e% o t to me wit# #er voice as i( wit# #er #an%! an% I #el% it. 3e tal"e% a$o t #er tro $le at sc#ool! #er (ears o( t#e new mostly a$o t girls $ecoming &rincesses. 3#en Caesar tal"e% to me! it was #al(7 neig#$o r#oo%! #er mot#er's $oy(rien% in &rison! movies s#e li"e%! w#ic# were s&o"e to #is sister 4atalia. 0ven $e(ore I met #er! I co l% #ear #er $ig! (les#y

1B

co#erent st (( a$o t cartoons an% (antasies. , t #e co l% $e s %%enly very mat re. +I want to tell yo somet#ing!' #e sai% once. +, t I %on't "now w#at it is.' I wante% to meet t#eir mot#er* I very m c# wante% to see Caesar an% meet #is sister. Aeter was rel ctant! $ t #e was willing to %o it (or me. 3e went to 0ast coo"ies. T#eir mot#er "isse% s on $ot# c#ee"s an% gave s can%les. S#e sai% t#ey co l% come to visit (or Holy 3ee" 9 0aster. 4atalia sai%! +I'm so e.cite%'* I sai%! +I am too.' An% I was. I was so e.cite% I was nearly a(rai%. 3#en Aeter an% I went into Man#attan to meet t#em at Aenn Station! it seeme% a miracle to see t#em t#ere. o( #is # miliation. , t t#is time I co l% "ee& #im! calm #im an% com(ort #im. I As soon as we got to o r #o se Caesar t#rew a tantr m on t#e stairs 9 t#e scene co l% ma"e it o"ay! $etter t#an o"ay. Most o( t#e visit was lovely. It is #ar% to remem$er now #ow lovely it was. , t t#e &ict res in o r &#oto al$ m say t#at %ay* o( t#em &ainting 0aster eggs. 3e too" 4atalia to a ri%ing sta$le* we #ave a &ict re o( #er getting rea%y to mo nt a #orse wit# an e.&ression o( mortal &ost re o( tter tri m&#. c#allenge on #er (ace* we #ave anot#er o( #er sitting ato& t#e #orse in a On t#e way $ac" to 4ew Yor" on t#e train! Caesar as"e%! +;o yo li"e me5' I +3#y5' I t#o g#t a long moment. +I %on't "now w#y yet!' I sai%. +Sometimes yo I'll tell yo .' 3#en we intro% ce% Gattino to t#e ot#er cats we e.&ecte% %rama an% #issing. T#ere wasn't m c#. He was tact( l. He was gentle wit# t#e timi% cats! M ni an% Tina! slowly a&&roac#ing to to c# noses! or (ollowing at a res&ect( l %istance! sometimes sitting near Tina an% ga1ing at #er calmly. ,itey #a% &asse% away it was- &ict res o( t#em ri%ing t#eir $i"es %own t#e street on a $ea ti( l s&ring 4ew Yor" wit# a S&anis#7s&ea"ing (rien%. 3e $ro g#t $oar% games an%

sai%! +Caesar! I not only li"e yo ! I love yo .' He loo"e% at me levelly an% sai%! %on't "now w#y yo love &eo&le! yo / st %o. One %ay I'll "now w#y an% t#en

1D

an% we #a% gotten a new cat! a to g# yo ng (emale name% ,isc it. He tease% an% $e%eville% ,isc it 9 an% it's tr e t#at s#e %i%n't love #im. , t s#e acce&te% #im. I t#o g#t! #ere is somet#ing goo%. T#en t#ings $egan to go wrong 9 little t#ings at (irst. I %iscovere% I'% lost my &ass&ort* Aeter lost a nec"lace I'% given #im* I lost t#e $l e mar$le (rom Santa Ma%%alena. )or t#e si.t# s mmer in a row! Caesar came to visit s an% it went

$a%ly. My sister Mart#a was tol% s#e was going to $e lai% o((. 3e move% to a new #o se locate% on ,ar% College Cam& s* everyt#ing went wrong- t#e lan%lor% #a% le(t ol% / n" all over t#e $ il%ing* t#e stove was $ro"en an% (ille% win%ow&anes were $ro"en. wit# nests o( mice* one o( t#e toilets was (alling t#ro g# t#e (loor* , t t#e cats love% it. 0s&ecially Gattino. T#e yar% was s&ectac larly $ea ti( l an% wil%! an% w#en #e t rne% si. mont#s ol%! we $egan letting #im o t (or twenty min tes at a time! always wit# one o( s in t#e yar% wit# #im. 3e

wante% to ma"e s re #e was ca tio s an% #e was* #e was a(rai% o( cars! #e s#owe% no %esire to go into t#e street! or really even o t o( t#e yar%! w#ic# was large. 3e let #im go o t longer. 0veryt#ing was (ine. T#e #o se got cleane% &* we got a new stove. Some$o%y act ally (o n% Aeter's nec"lace an% gave it $ac". T#en one %ay I #a% to go o t (or a co &le o( #o rs. Aeter wasn't #ome. Gattino was in t#e yar% wit# t#e ot#er cats* I t#o g#t! He'll $e o"ay. 3#en I came $ac" #e was gone. ,eca se #e #a% never gone near t#e roa% I %i%n't t#in" #e wo l% cross t#e across t#e street was a level! low7c t (iel%. So I loo"e% $e#in% o r #o se! w#ere move% in! I %i%n't "now t#e terrain an% so it was #ar% to loo" in t#e %ar" 9 I

street 9 an% I t#o g#t i( #e #a%! #e wo l% $e a$le to see #is way $ac"! since t#ere was a %orm in a woo%e% area! an% to $ot# si%es o( s. ,eca se we #a% / st co l% only see a / m$le o( (oliage an% $ il%ings! #o ses! a n rsery sc#ool an% w#at I later reali1e% was a %eserte% $arn. I starte% to $e a(rai%. May$e t#at is

1H

w#y I t#o g#t I #ear% #im s&ea" to me! in t#e (orm o( a very sim&le t#o g#t t#at entere% my #ea%! &laintively! as i( (rom o tsi%e. It sai%! +I'm scare%.' I wis# I #a% t#o g#t $ac"! +;on't worry. Stay w#ere yo are. I will (in% yo .' Instea% I t#o g#t! +I'm scare% too. I %on't "now w#ere yo are.' It is cra1y to #a% a&&eare% in my min%. , t I t#in" it anyway. Gattino was att ne% to me. I nmoore% #im. , t I co l% not #el& it* (ear overtoo" me. t#in" t#at t#e co rse o( events mig#t've $een c#ange% i( %i((erent sentences t#in" #e co l% (eel me even (rom (ar away* I t#in" (eeling (ear (rom me ( rt#er T#e ne.t %ay I #a% to go into Man#attan $eca se a (rien% was %oing a & $lic rea%ing (rom #er (irst new $oo" in years. Aeter loo"e% (or Gattino. Li"e me #e %i% not loo" across t#e street* #e sim&ly %i%n't t#in" #e wo l%'ve gone t#ere. T#e secon% %ay we ma%e &osters an% $egan & tting t#em & in all t#e %orms! #o ses an% cam& s $ il%ings. 3e alerte% cam& s sec rity! w#o & t o t a mass email to everyone w#o #a% anyt#ing to %o wit# t#e college. lonely!' #e sai%. T#e t#ir% nig#t! / st $e(ore I went to slee&! I t#o g#t I #ear% #im again. +I'm T#e (i(t# nig#t we got t#e call (rom a sec rity g ar% saying t#at #e saw a small!

t#in! one7eye% cat trying to (orage in a gar$age can o tsi%e a %orm. T#e call came at two in t#e morning an% we %i%n't #ear it $eca se t#e &#one was s! on t#e ot#er si%e o( t#e (iel%. I wal"e% across t#e (iel% t#e ne.t %ay an% reali1e% somet#ing a$o t it t#at I #a% not notice% $e(ore- (rom a # man &ers&ective it was (lat eno g# to loo" across ma%e o( valleys an% #ills too $ig to see over. Somet#ing I %i%n't say correctly- I %i% not lose t#e $l e mar$le (rom Santa Ma%%alena. I t#rew it away. 3#en Aeter lost #is nec"lace I %eci%e% t#at t#e easily* (rom t#e &ers&ective o( a creat re m c# lower to t#e gro n%! it was t rne% %own. T#e %orm was very close $y* it was locate% across t#e street (rom

2E

mar$le was act ally $a% l c". I too" it o t into a (iel% an% t#rew it away. A (rien% o((ere% to &ay (or me to see a &syc#ic. He #a%n't seen #er! #e %oesn't see &syc#ics. , t a &retty girl #e was (lirting wit# #a% seen t#is &syc#ic an% was li"e! I g ess in or%er to "now i( t#e girl was a cran" or not. So I ma%e t#e $een very im&resse% $y #er* my (rien% wante% me to tell #im w#at t#e &syc#ic a&&ointment. S#e tol% me t#at Gattino was +in tro $le'. S#e tol% me #e was %ying. S#e co l%n't tell me w#ere #e was! e.ce&t t#at it was %own in a g lley or t#ere was somet#ing on t#e gro n% t#at cr nc#e% n%er(oot. May$e I co l% %itc#! some&lace w#ere t#e gro n% %ro&&e% s %%enly* water was near$y an% (in% #im. , t may$e I wasn't meant to. S#e t#o g#t may$e it was #is +"armic &at#' to +wal" into t#e woo%s an% close #is eyes'! an%! i( t#at was so! t#at I in t#e &laces s#e %escri$e%. I tol% my (rien% t#at I was not im&resse% wit# t#e &retty girl's c#oice o( &syc#ics. An% t#en I went to t#e &laces s#e %escri$e% an% loo"e% (or Gattino. I went every %ay an% every nig#t. At t#e en% o( one o( t#ose nig#ts! w#en I was a$o t to go to slee&! wor%s a&&eare% in my #ea% again. T#ey were! +I'm %ying.' I t#o g#t! He is an animal. He can (ace %eat# $etter t#an yo . I t#o g#t! s#o l%n't inter(ere. On t#e ot#er #an%! s#e sai%! I mig#t still (in% #im i( I loo"e%

Res&ect #im. More wor%s came- +I love yo .' An% t#en +Goo%$ye.'
%own my (ace. <

I got & an% too" a slee&ing &ill. Two #o rs later I wo"e wit# tears r nning

3#o %eci%es w#ic# %eat#s are tragic an% w#ic# are not5 3#o %eci%es w#at is $ig an% w#at is little5 Is it a matter o( n m$ers or &#ysical mass or intelligence5 I( yo are a little creat re or a little &erson %ying alone an% in &ain! yo may not remem$er or "now t#at yo are little. I( yo are in eno g# &ain yo may not remem$er w#o or w#at yo are* yo may "now only yo r

s ((ering! w#ic# is immense. 3#o %eci%es5 3#at %eci%es5 Common sense5

21

Can common sense %ictate s c# t#ings5 Common sense is an e.cellent g i%e to social str ct res 9 $ t %oes it ever #ave anyt#ing to %o wit# w#at moves yo 5 A(ter t#at (irst 0aster visit! Caesar an% 4atalia came & (or two wee"s % ring

t#e s mmer. 3e went $i"ing an% swimming an% to t#e movies an% t#e ; tc#ess Co nty )air. 4atalia starte% t#e (irst o( #er #orse$ac" ri%ing lessons* in s $se: ent visits s#e wo l% wor" at t#e sta$le (or (ree / st to $e near t#e #orses s#e love%. In t#e evenings s#e an% I #a% a rit al o( +wal"ing at nig#t'! S#e tol% me t#at s#e #a% lie% to me w#en s#e'% sai% earlier t#at s#e was %oing % ring w#ic# we wo l% wal" aro n% t#e neig#$o r#oo% an% tal" intimately. well in sc#ool* s#e a%mitte% t#at s#e was (ailing. I as"e% #er i( s#e wante% to %o $etter. S#e sai% yes. I as"e% i( s#e wo l% li"e me to #el& #er wit# #er #omewor" on t#e &#one at nig#t! an% s#e sai%! +Yes.' Aeter was &rimarily +in c#arge' o( Caesar 9 $ t t#ey %i% not #ave a $on%. Aeter %i%n't li"e t#e $oy's com$ination o( nee%iness an% aggression. T#e "i% wo l% #ang on Aeter an% always want #is attention an% i( #e %i%n't get it! w#ic# #e "noc" yo r teet# o t.' He sai% it li"e a /o"e! an% #e was a(ter all a small c#il%. , t &#ysically #e wasn't small* neit#er #e nor #is sister was small in t#at sense! an% one too" w#at t#ey sai% serio sly $eca se o( it. I too" Caesar's aggression serio sly 9 $ t (or a long time I (orgave it. I (orgave $eca se (or me t#e aggression an% nee% translate% almost on contact as longing (or t#e & re (at#er #a% a(ter all le(t #im* #is mot#er 9 w#o was in #er mi%7(orties 9 wor"e% s#e was s ally too tire% to %o more t#an coo" %inner* Caesar sai% s#e c rse% in t#e ;ominican Re& $lic to t#em. , t nonet#eless s#e love% t#em! es&ecially Caesar. Yo co l% see it in t#eir $o%ies w#en t#ey were toget#er! see it in t#e way s#e loo"e% at #im w#en s#e

o(ten %i% not! #e wo l% say somet#ing li"e! +3#en I get ol%er I'm going to

a((ection #e #a% $een %enie% $y circ mstance an% o trage at t#e %enial. His long #o rs at a (actory an% so le(t t#e c#il%ren alone o(ten. 3#en s#e got #ome #im reg larly. ,ot# c#il%ren $elieve% s#e &re(erre% #er (o r grown "i%s living

22

greete% #im as +my $ea ti( l son'. S#e love% $ot# c#il%ren! an% s#e $eat t#em. S#e $eat t#em rationally as & nis#ment! an% irrationally! seemingly / st as a way o( relating. Once w#en I was on t#e &#one wit# 4atalia! #el&ing #er write an essay! s#e sai%! +6 st a min te! I nee% to get anot#er &encil.' S#e & t t#e &#one %own! sai% somet#ing to #er mot#er in a lig#t! : estioning voice 9 an%

was answere% wit# violent s#o ts t#at t rne% into cras#es an% sc ((ling an% 4atalia so$$ing $e(ore t#e &#one was slamme% into its cra%le. T#e mot#er sometimes attac"e% t#e c#il%ren as i( s#e was a c#il% #ersel(! & lling 4atalia's #air or scratc#ing #er. S#e %emeane% 4atalia! contin ally. Caesar s#e in(antili1e%! $at#ing #im an% $r s#ing #is teet# (or #im even w#en #e was nine years ol%* i( Aeter #a%n't insiste% t#at #e tie #is own s#oes #e mig#t never #ave learne% #ow 9 #is mot#er or%ere% 4atalia to %o it! an% so %i% #e. 3e #a% met a co &le o( sc#ool social wor"ers w#en we came to serve as c#a&erones on a sc#ool tri&- t#ey tol% s t#ey alrea%y "new a$o t t#e $eatings! or t#o g#t t#ey %i%* 4atalia wo l% re&ort $eing $eaten! an% t#en ta"e it $ac"! saying s#e'% $een lying. I( s#e #a% $r ises! s#e re( se% to s#ow t#em. T#e "i%s #a% once $een & t into (oster care! an% 4atalia never wante% t#at to #a&&en again. One o( t#e social wor"ers $elieve% t#e "i%s were $eing a$ se% an% t#o g#t t#ey s#o l% $e ta"en away (rom t#eir mot#er* t#e ot#er t#o g#t 4atalia was a mani& lative liar an% (elt sorry (or t#e mot#er! w#om s#e #a% "nown (or years. +S#e loves t#ose "i%s!' sai% t#e woman. +S#e wor"s #er ass o(( (or t#em.' An% t#ey love% #er! &assionately* t#eir sel(7esteem was com&letely $o n% & wit# #er. At t#e en% o( one C#ristmas visit! w#en I too" t#e c#il%ren $ac" to Aenn Station! t#eir mot#er %i%n't s#ow & to meet me. T#e c#il%ren were

scare% an% # rt* I too" t#em to an a&artment we s#are% wit# a (rien% an% t#eir mot#er wo l% soon call my cell an% let s "now w#at #a% #a&&ene%.

com(orte% t#em! singing an% com$ing 4atalia's #air! an% reass ring t#em t#at A(ter a co &le o( #o rs! I t#o g#t we s#o l% call t#e &olice. Caesar imme%iately

sto&&e% crying an% loo"e% at me wit# eyes on (ire. +Mary!' #e sai%! +i( yo %o

28

t#at I will #ate yo (or ever.' T#ey %i%n't want t#e &olice involve%. T#ey were a(rai% t#ey wo l% $e ta"en away (rom t#eir mot#er. An% so we $it o r tong es an% trie% not to s&ea" critically to t#e c#il%ren o( t#eir mot#er. 3e (o n% a &erson w#o co l% s&ea" S&anis# to translate (or s! an% we trie% to cons lt #er a$o t t#e "i%s w#enever &ossi$le F#er a%vice was in (ront o( t#em! to wor" wit# t#e sit ation. 3e #a% t#e "i%s & (or C#ristmas! 0aster! sometimes on t#eir $irt#%ays! an% always (or at least a (ew %ays in t#e s mmer. 3e occasionally met t#em in t#e city too. I wor"e% wit# 4atalia on t#e &#one! #el&ing #er rea% assigne% $oo"s an% write re&orts on t#em. I also #ire% a t tor (or #er! &aying a college st %ent s#e was im&roving. T#en ot#er "i%s $egan to /eer at #er (or it. T#ey s&at on #er to go o t to ,roo"lyn once a mont# to give #er mat# lessons. Her teac#er sai% in t#e l nc#room an% s#e got into (ig#ts. , t s#e %i%n't tal" a$o t t#at. S#e wo l% call me an% cry an% say s#e co l%n't %o well in sc#ool $eca se o( #er mot#er $eating #er. I sai%! +Yo %on't #ave control over yo r mot#er. Yo #ave S#e sai%! very calmly! +Mary! I %on't t#in" I can.' I sai%! +6 st try.' , t I co l% #ear t#at s#e co l% not. I co l% #ear it in #er voice. I can't & t into wor%s w#y s#e co l% not. , t I co l% #ear it. S#e "e&t %oing #er #omewor" on t#e &#one wit# me. S#e "e&t meeting t#e mat# t tor. , t even t#o g# s#e %i% t#e assignments! s#e %i%n't t rn t#em in. t#em &! t#at t#e teac#er #ate% #er. T#e teac#er sai% s#e never saw t#e wor". S#e wo l% say s#e #a%! t#at t#e teac#er was lying! t#at t#e teac#er #a% torn I "e&t loo"ing (or Gattino. I %i%n't t#in" in &artic lar a$o t t#e c#il%ren w#ile I loo"e% (or #im. I $arely t#o g#t at all. I trie% to (eel t#e eart#! t#e s"y! t#e trees an% wet! (ro1en st $$le o( gro n%. , t I co l%n't (eel anyt#ing $ t sa%. Once w#en I was %riving to a s#elter to c#ec" i( #e #a% $een t rne% in! I #ear% a story on t#e ra%io a$o t ,lac"water contractors s#ooting into a crow% o( Ira:i control over yo rsel(.' I sai%! +Alease* "ee& trying.' S#e was : iet (or a moment.

s ally somet#ing li"e! +6 st & nc# #im in t#e mo t#'G! to s#ow res&ect (or #er

2=

civilians. T#ey "ille% a yo ng man! a me%ical st %ent! w#o #a% gotten o t o( #is #ear stories li"e t#is every %ay an% I reali1e t#ey are terri$le stories. , t I %on't $een torn o&en. It was t#e loss o( t#e cat t#at #a% ma%e t#is #a&&en* #is very smallness an% lac" o( o$/ective conse: ence #a% ma%e t#e tearing o&en &ossi$le. I %on't "now w#y t#is s#o l% $e tr e. , t I am s re it is tr e. Tr e not / st o( my #eart* my min% also tore. I calle% anot#er &syc#ic! a &et

car. 3#en #is mot#er lea&e% (rom t#e car to #ol% #is $o%y! t#ey "ille% #er. I (eel anyt#ing a$o t t#em. 3#en I #ear% t#is one! I (elt it li"e my #eart #a%

&syc#ic! an% as"e% #er a$o t Gattino. S#e tol% me #e #a% %ie%! &ro$a$ly o( "i%ney (ail re a(ter %rin"ing somet#ing to.ic. S#e sai% #e #a% s ((ere%. I calle% +c rle% & as i( #e were going to slee&'. I $egan as"ing ran%om &eo&le i( t#ey anot#er one. S#e sai% #e #a% %ie%! $ t t#at #e #a%n't s ((ere%! t#at #e #a% #a% any +&syc#ic (eeling' a$o t t#e cat* I am still ama1e% at #ow many claime% t#at t#ey %i%. Some o( t#em were (rien%s! some were ac: aintances! some were com&lete strangers. A stranger! an inn"ee&er in A stin! tol% me t#at #e was sic"er t#an I reali1e% an% t#at #e #a% gone away to %ie in or%er to s&are me any s ((ering* s#e sai% t#at #e love% me. T#en s#e & t #er arms aro n% me an% ma%e & rring so n%s 9 an% I ma%e t#em $ac"I An ac: aintance! a tacit rn an%

generally n(rien%ly woman w#o wor"s in a sta$le! an% w#om I wo l% not #ave t#o g#t to as" (or &syc#ic in& t! loo"e% at t#e &oster I s#owe% #er an% #er &artner! an% remar"e% in a low voice! / st as I was a$o t to wal" away! +)or w#atever it's wort#! I %on't t#in" yo r cat's %ea%.' S#e t#o g#t #e was living in %escri&tion o( #al( t#e %orms on cam& s. An% so! in t#e mi%%le o( 6an ary I & t anot#er ro n% o( &osters & on cam& s an% in mail$o.es. I starte% getting calls almost imme%iately (rom &eo&le saying t#at t#ey #a% seen a small one7eye% cat. I starte% leaving (oo% in t#e &laces #e was s &&ose% to #ave $een! to "ee& #im t#ere. I also le(t scra&s o( my clot#es

or n%er a w#ite #o se wit# a lot o( wal"ways aro n% it. It so n%e% li"e a

2>

near t#e (oo%! so #e mig#t catc# my scent an% remem$er me. I le(t (oo% in o r t#em in o r yar% so t#at #e mig#t catc# t#e scent o( o r ot#er cats an% $e went o t late one nig#t to ma"e a trail o( it (rom t#e (ar e%ge o( t#e (iel% to o r t#ro g# it! %iligently strewing se% litter in t#e &at# o( my (ootste&s. I as"e% Aeter i( #e t#o g#t I was cra1y. He sai% t#at sometimes #e %i% t#in" t#at. , t t#en #e t#o g#t o( (rien%s o( #is w#ose twin %a g#ters #a% recently

$ac"yar%. I collecte% t r%s an% &iss cl m&s (rom t#e litter $o.es an% scattere% g i%e% #ome $y it. I collecte% a w#ole s#o&&ing $ag o( t r%s an% &iss an% t#en #o se. T#e snow was & to my calves an% it too" me almost an #o r to get

%ie% o( a rare s"in %isease calle% recessive %ystro&#ic e&i%ermylosis. 3#en t#e girls were $orn! t#eir &arents were tol% t#ey s#o l% & t t#em in an instit tion. 3#en t#ey insiste% on ta"ing t#em #ome! t#e %octors / st s#r gge% an% gave t#em some $an%ages. 4ot#ing was "nown a$o t #ome care* t#e &arents #a% to learn it all t#emselves. T#ey %evote% t#emselves to t#e care o( t#eir c#il%ren! in almost every or%inary activity! incl %ing eating! t#e girls &laye% s&orts! went an% t#ey gave t#em nearly normal lives* in s&ite o( e.cr ciating &ain involve% to college! (lirte% online an% #a% $oy(rien%s wit# w#om t#ey #a% se.. T#ey & ntil t#e en% to ma"e t#eir lives as goo% or at least as n&ain( l as &ossi$le.

#o&e% (or a c re ntil t#ey %ie% at twenty7seven. T#eir &arents wor"e% rig#t +3e wo l%'ve %one anyt#ing!' sai% t#eir mot#er. +I( someone #a% tol% s it wo l% #el& to smear o rselves wit# s#it an% roll in t#e yar% we wo l%'ve %one it.' +, t t#ey %i%n't act ally %o it!' I sai%. +3ell!' sai% Aeter! +no one tol% t#em to.' ,eca se 4atalia sai% s#e was a(rai% to go to t#e & $lic / nior #ig# sc#ool! we &ai% (or s#e an% #er $rot#er to go to Cat#olic sc#ool. Caesar %i% o"ay* s#e got "ic"e% o t in a co &le o( mont#s. Her mot#er la g#e% $itterly. S#e sai%! +4atalia will always ca se tro $le.' I sai%! +I still $elieve in #er.' T#ere was incre% lo s silence on t#e ot#er en% o( t#e &#one.

2?

A (rien% o( mine sai% to me! +Yo can't go against t#e mot#er. ;on't even try. T#e c#il% will always (ollow #er lea%. Yo can't com&ete.' +I "now!' I sai%. +I won't try.' I %i% "now. An% I trie%. I tol% mysel( I wasn't trying! $ t I was. T#at s mmer! we sent t#em to a cam& t#at was s &&ose% to $e great (or co nsellors love% #er an% invite% #er to &artici&ate in t#eir year7long Teen screwe%7 & "i%s! an% it was great! es&ecially (or 4atalia. S#e e.celle%! t#e Lea%ers#i& &rogramme! w#ic# &rovi%e% gro & &#one calls wit# co nsellors an% ot#er "i%s! t toring in sc#ool an% wee"en% tri&s & to t#e cam& every mont#. 4atalia was t#rille%! an% w#en we ret rne% #er to #er mot#er we s#owe% #er t#e &ict res o( 4atalia at cam&! getting along wit# every$o%y an% not ca sing tro $le. Her mot#er loo"e% at t#e &ict res an% literally %ro&&e% t#em on t#e gro n%. 4atalia ma%e t#e (irst two tri&s to cam& an% t#en sto&&e% s#owing &. S#e sto&&e% &artici&ating in t#e gro & &#one calls. S#e staye% o t all nig#t an% was $eca se s#e wante% to #ave se. an% %o %r gs. 3#en s#e came & to visit (or C#ristmas we #a% a (ig#t* a(terwar%s I trie% to tal" to #er. S#e sai%! +I %on't care. I %on't care a$o t not#ing.' I sai% I %o $te% t#at was tr e. S#e sai%! +It is tr e. It's always $een tr e.' An% I (elt #er relie( in saying it. +All rig#t!' I sai%. +It mig#t $e tr e sometimes! $ t not all t#e time. Almost every$o%y cares a$o t somet#ing! some time.' S#e loo"e% at me s llenly* s#e %i% not %isagree. +, t!' I sai%! +i( yo wal" aro n% acting li"e yo %on't care (or long eno g#! &eo&le will yo r li(e an% &eo&le w#o %on't care will come in to it. An% i( t#at #a&&ens! yo start to $elieve yo . I( yo really %on't care! t#en &eo&le w#o %o care will leave will (in% yo rsel( in a very terri$le &lace.' As I s&o"e #er (ace slowly o&ene%* s"i&&e% sc#ool. S#e sai% it was $eca se #er mot#er $eat #er. Her mot#er sai% it

slowly! #er s llenness reveale% (ear. I "isse% #er an% sai%! +It %oesn't #ave to $e

2B

t#at way.' A (ew mont#s later s#e ran away (rom #ome. Caesar was nine w#en #is sister ran away! an% I co l% sense #im watc#ing #er wit# very wi%e eyes. He /oine% #is mot#er in con%emning #er! $ t even w#en #e %i%! I co l% still #ear a((ection (or #er in #is voice. He love% #is (amily 9 $ t #e love% me too. I co l% tal" to #im a$o t anyt#ing! a$o t %reams! #eaven an% #ell! w#at ma%e a &erson evil an% w#y a &ict re was goo% or $a%. 3#en #e notice% t#e &ict re o( my (at#er in t#e glasse%7in ca$inet t#at ( nctions as a

sort o( s#rine! #e wante% to "now a$o t #im. I tol% #im t#at my (at#er was or&#ane% $y t#e %eat# o( #is mot#er w#en #e was nine! (ollowe% $y t#e %eat# o t! my (at#er wante% to enlist. He /oine% t#e war at An1io! one o( t#e most #im. ,eca se #e so n%s li"e a terri(ic &erson.' Later! w#en Aeter as"e% i( Caesar imaginary (rien% is Mary's (at#er.' 3#en my (at#er was %ying I as"e% #im somet#ing. I %i% not really as" #im* I %on't t#in" #e was conscio s an% I w#is&ere% t#e : estion rat#er t#an s&o"e it. , t nonet#eless it was a serio s : estion. +;a%%y!' I sai%! +tell me w#at yo s ((ere%. Tell me w#at it was li"e (or yo .' I co l% never #ave as"e% #im in li(e. , t I $elieve% t#at on t#e verge o( %eat# #e co l% +#ear' my w#is&ere% wor%s. &art. I (elt t#at I was #earing &art o( t#e answer w#ile I was o t loo"ing (or my t#en t#at t#e loss o( t#e cat was in (act a merci( l way (or me to #ave my : estion answere%. ,ot# my sisters an% I sat wit# my (at#er w#en #e was %ying* we all too" care o( #im wit# t#e #el& o( a #os&ice wor"er w#o sto&&e% $y every %ay. , t Mart#a was alone wit# #im w#en #e %ie%. S#e sai% t#at s#e #a% (elt %eat# come into t#e room. S#e sai% t#at %eat# (elt very gentle. Later s#e tol% s t#at s#e (elt an% An% slowly! over a &erio% o( time! I $elieve I #ave $een answere%! at least in cat! w#en it was so col% an% so late no one else was aro n%. It occ rre% to me o( #is (at#er a year later. T#en #is %og %ie%. Still! w#en t#e 3orl% 3ar $ro"e terri$le $attles. Caesar sai%! +I (eel $a% (or yo r (at#er. , t I %on't (eel sorry (or #a% ever #a% an imaginary (rien%! #e sai%! +I %i%n't $e(ore $ t I %o now. My

2D

even saw terri$le t#ings $e(ore #e %ie%. , t s#e seeme% at &eace a$o t witnessing #is %eat#. 3#en s#e ret rne% #ome s#e #a% (ew &eo&le to tal" to a$o t w#at #a% #a&&ene%. Mart#a was not close to t#e &eo&le s#e wor"e% wit# an% t#ey were not i%eal con(i%ants. , t s#e #a% (ew ot#ers. 3#en s#e %escri$e% my (at#er's em&#asis on t#e %eat# o( my (at#er's %og as s#e %i% on t#e %eat# o( #is &arents! an% #e s&o"e to #er coolly. +I love %ogs!' #e sai%. +I'm sa% w#en a %og %ies. , t no %og s#o l% ever $e com&are% to (amily.' I %on't remem$er w#at Mart#a sai% in res&onse* I %imly remem$er t#at s#e seeme% to #ave str ggle% wit# w#at to say! t#at #er voice so n%e% t#in an% (r strate% w#en s#e %escri$e% it to me. 3#en I was o t loo"ing (or t#e cat! so late t#at no one else was aro n%! I remem$ere% t#is story! an% I wis#e% I #a% $een wit# my sister w#en #er co7 wor"er s&o"e to #er t#at way. I wo l% #ave sai%! +Imagine yo are a nine7year7 ol% $oy an% yo #ave lost yo r mot#er. Yo are in s#oc" an% $eca se yo are in s#oc" yo are re% ce% to a little animal w#o "nows its s rvival is in %anger. So yo say to yo rsel(! NO"ay! I %on't #ave a mom. I can %eal wit# t#at.O An%

li(e to a co7wor"er! #e (o n% it a$s r% t#at Mart#a seeme% to &lace as m c#

t#en t#e ne.t year yo r (at#er %ies. Yo t#in"! Na'ig#t. I %on't #ave a %a% eit#er. I can %eal wit# t#at too.O T#en yo r %og %ies. An% yo t#in"! N4ot even a %og5 I can't even #ave a %og5O I wo l%'ve sai%! NO( co rse t#e %og %i%n't mean as #e co l% not a((or% to (eel t#eir loss. T#e %og #e co l% (eel! an% t#ro g# t#e %oor o( t#at (eeling came everyt#ing else.O ' T#e (ig rative loss o( +my' c#il%ren an% t#e loss o( my cat were minor com&are% to w#at my (at#er lost. T#at is w#y it was a merci( l loss* it was eno g# to give me a taste o( w#at my (at#er (elt! an% a taste was all I co l% $ear. I #a% not n%erstoo% t#is $e(ore. T#e (amily myt# was t#at my (at#er was reality to t#is &erce&tion. , t t#e $igger reality is t#is- my (at#er was strong! m c# to #im as #is &arents %i%! yo moron. His &arents meant so m c# to #im!

wea"! ne rotic! a little $oy na$le to emotionally grow &. T#ere was some

2H

m c# stronger t#an I am. I( I #a% e.&erience% w#at #e #a% e.&erience% $y t#e age o( nine! it wo l%'ve $ro"en me several times over. 3#at #a&&ene% to #im # rt #im! an% $a%ly. It %i% not $rea" #im. He raise% a (amily an% #el% a /o$. He was $r tally very en%.

n#a&&y an% sometimes #e $e#ave% cr elly an% contem&ti$ly

towar%s #is wi(e an% c#il%ren. , t #e never sto&&e%. He never $ro"e. Kntil t#e Caesar once as"e% me i( #e co l% come live wit# s. I sai% I %i%n't t#in" #e

really wante% t#at* (or one t#ing! we wo l% ma"e #im %o #is #omewor" constantly. He re&lie% t#at #e wo l%. I sai% I t#o g#t #e wo l% miss #is mot#er wo l%n't #it yo w#en yo were $a%! an% t#en yo wo l%n't "now w#at to %o.' He was silent (or a moment. T#en #e sai%! +Yo 're rig#t.' +3#y %o yo t#in" t#at is5' I as"e%. He t#o g#t (or a long time* I co l% tell t#at #e was t#in"ing #ar%. +I %on't "now. 3#y %o yo t#in" t#at is5' +Honey!' I sai%! +I %on't "now t#e answer to t#at. 4o$o%y "nows t#e answer to t#at. I( yo co l% answer t#at! yo wo l% ma"e a million %ollars.' May$e it was a strange conversation to #ave wit# a ten7year7ol%. , t I wante% #im to t#in" a$o t it even i( #e wo l% never (in% t#e answer. I( #e co l% t#in" a$o t w#y #e nee%e% to $e #it! t#en #e wo l% "now t#at t#e nee% to $e #it wasn't #im! $ t somet#ing se&arate! a$o t w#ic# #e mig#t #ave t#o g#ts. I'm #is t#rowing roc"s at some % c"s! I sai%! +;o yo want me to treat yo li"e t#at! / st $eca se I'm $igger5 ;o yo want me to #it yo 5' He sai%! +Yea#! #it me! go on.' He sai% it a co &le o( times. I %i%n't. I t rne% an% wal"e% away. , t (or a moment I was tem&te%. I was too m c#. He #esitate%! t#en re&lie% t#at may$e #e wo l%. I sai%! +,esi%es! we

not s re t#is wo l% ma"e any %i((erence. Once! % ring a (ig#t wit# #im a$o t

8E

tem&te% &artly $y (r stration. I was also tem&te% $y t#e (orce o( #is nee%. T#ese c#il%ren! yo see! were not wea" &eo&le. T#ey were tro $le%! at ris"! %isa%vantage%! t#ey s ((ere% (rom low sel(7esteem 9 anyt#ing yo li"e. Socially! I was t#eir s &erior in every way. , t in a $igger! #ar%er to artic late way! t#ey were at least my e: als. It is &ossi$le t#at in some ways t#ey were stronger. Sometimes! w#en 4atalia an% I were watc#ing a movie toget#er! s#e wo l% lean against my s#o l%er an% I wo l% ac tely (eel t#at my smaller $o%y! my sim&ly not $ig eno g# to give t#is girl w#at s#e nee%s. I #a% moments o( great $ony s#o l%er! were not $ig eno g# to $ear #er weig#t. I wo l% (eel! I am /oy wit# t#em* watc#ing t#em nwra& t#eir &resents n%er t#e C#ristmas tree! ma"ing t#em san%wic#es! watc#ing 4atalia on a #orse or Caesar learning #ow to swim. , t I o(ten (elt ina%e: ate! wrong! na$le to a((ect t#em! (r strate%! mismatc#e% 9 at $est li"e a well7intentione% mo se cra1ily trying to c#ew two vision. T#ey "new t#is! I'm s re. T#ey no %o $t sometimes (elt scorn (or my (eelings o( ine&tit %e! an% also (or my attem&ts to act con(i%ent in s&ite o( t#em! to $e ins&iring an% o&timistic w#en I $arely "new #ow. , t t#ey were also s &&ortive an%! on occasion! very "in%. 3#en me or Aeter were trying to %o &etting 1oo! get o r erratic LCR to &lay 9 t#e "i%s wo l% sometimes get very t#rowing t#eir goo% will $e#in% somet#ing an% it wasn't wor"ing o t easily 9 & t %inner on t#e ta$le! (in% t#e : iet an% we co l% (eel t#em nite in t#eir a&&reciation o( o r e((orts! s $tly w#en t#ey weren't t#ere! as i( t#ey were stan%ing $e#in% me! t#eir #an%s on my s#o l%ers. I am a(rai% o( (lying! an% I remem$er one &anic7stric"en moment at an air&ort! w#en my own min% $ecame too m c# (or me to $ear* sitting & straig#t in t#e sa%%le an% smiling. t#e only way (or me to calm mysel( was to remem$er 4atalia ri%ing a #orse! A(ter Gattino #a% $een gone almost two mont#s! I visite% a woman w#ose s. Sometimes! I (elt t#eir generosity even

$ear c $s o t o( a massive %o $le net cast &on t#em $y &owers $eyon% its tiny

81

# s$an% #a% %ie% t#ree years earlier. S#e was still %ee& in grie(! an% #er grie( w#ic# #a% so magically a&&eare% to me in Italy! an% w#ic# I t#en t#rew away!

accent ate% #er &ro&ensity (or mysticism* to #er I won%ere% i( t#e $l e mar$le mig#t #ave somet#ing to %o wit# t#e cat's %isa&&earance. Instea% o( trying to tal" common sense to me! t#e grieving woman sai% s#e "new o( a great &syc#ic w#o mig#t $e a$le to answer t#at : estion. I sai%! no! I %i% not want to &ay any s#e wo l% / st as" #er t#e : estion! t#at it nee% not $e a ( ll rea%ing. more &syc#ics. T#e woman sai% t#at t#is &syc#ic was a (rien% o( #ers! an% t#at A (ew wee"s later I receive% an email (rom t#is &syc#ic w#ic# sai% t#at t#e

$l e mar$le was not a c rse or an omen o( any "in%. However! its &#ysical movement across t#e (loor #a% $een t#e $y7&ro% ct o( a %eli$erate &syc#ic energy %irecte% towar%s me $y a yo ng man at Santa Ma%%alena* t#is yo ng man was a &ractitioner o( magic! an% #e #a% recogni1e% me as a "in%re% s&irit! a &erson in nee% o( love an% ca&a$le o( ( lly e.&resse% love. He #a% wis#e% me well! an% it was t#e (orce o( #is wis# t#at #a% set t#e mar$le rolling. It #a%

not#ing to %o wit# Gattino! $ t $ecame $o n% & wit# t#e circ mstances o( t#e cat! w#ic# was interesting to t#e &syc#ic $eca se t#e mar$le was to #er sym$olic o( an eye! an% t#e "itten was missing an eye. S#e a%%e% t#at Gattino was not %ea%* s#e sai% t#at #e #a% $een &ic"e% & $y a

+traveller' w#o was well ac: ainte% wit# t#e system o( cat s#elters an% #avens all over t#e state. T#is traveller #a% ta"en my cat to one o( t#ese s#elters! w#ere s ggeste% t#at I contact every s c# s#elter wit#in a (i(ty7mile ra%i s. T#is in(ormation wo l%! s#e sai%! cost me one # n%re% %ollars. I( someone #a% tol% me to smear s#it on mysel( an% roll in t#e yar%! i( t#at &erson was a cat e.&ert an% ma%e a convincing case t#at! yes! %oing so co l% res lt in t#e ret rn o( my cat! I &ro$a$ly wo l%'ve %one it. I %i% not consi%er t#is &at#etic s sce&ti$ility +magical t#in"ing'. I %i%n't consi%er it very %i((erent #e was at t#is moment $eing well care% (or. I( I wante% to (in% #im! s#e

(rom any ot#er "in% o( t#in"ing. It was more t#at t#e "nown! visi$le or%er o(

82

t#ings #a% $ecome nacce&ta$le to me 9 senseless! act ally 9 $eca se it was too $egan to $ecome visi$le to me! to $lee% t#ro g# an% "nit toget#er t#e $ro"en

violently at o%%s wit# t#e nee%s o( my %isor%ere% min%. Ot#er "in%s o( or%er or%er o( w#at #a% &revio sly $een "nown. I still %on't "now i( t#is co$$le% reality was com&letely ill sory! an act o( %es&erate will 9 or i( it was an ine&t an% &artial inter&retation o( somet#ing real! somet#ing $igger t#an w#at I co l% rea%ily see. In t#is way my connective sym$ols 9 t#e mar$le! t#e t#ings %i((erent &syc#ics sai% to me 9 were similar to religio s stat es an% icons t#at &eo&le &ray to! or &ara%e t#ro g# t#e street wit#! or wear aro n% t#eir nec"s. ones. My sym$ols were not $ea ti( l! t#ey were st &i% an% trite. T#ey were %istant co sin o( a $ea ti( l &rince. , t t#ey were relate% nonet#eless. I &ai% t#e money. I calle%! an% Aeter #el&e% me call! all t#e cat s#elters wit#in a (i(ty7mile ra%i s. Many o( t#e s#elters I contacte% as"e% me to sen% t#em a &ict re o( Gattino along wit# my contact in(ormation w#ic# t#ey &oste% on t#eir Internet sites* I imme%iately $egan getting res&onses (rom &eo&le w#o

0.ce&t t#at t#e stat es an% icons are also art( l creations! sometimes $ea ti( l relate% to t#e sym$ols o( religion as a %e(orme% an% retar%e% c#il% mig#t $e t#e

t#o g#t t#ey mig#t've seen #im. I also got res&onses (rom $ sinesses %evote% to t#e resc e o( #o&elessly lost cats! incl %ing a &rivate %etective willing to (ly to yo r state wit# #is trac"ing %ogs! a smiling &it $ ll an% a vigilant &oo%le %e&icte% on t#e com&any's we$site no$ly (lan"ing t#eir owner. T#e s &erior : ality o( t#ese $ sinesses was atteste% to $y c stomer a(ter satis(ie% c stomer %oor an% saw , tc# an% #is gentle trac"ing %ogs! I "newC' on eac# o( t#e sites- +At (irst I was s"e&tical. , t as soon as I o&ene% my (ront I also receive% an email (rom someone w#o a&&eare% $arely a$le to write 0nglis#! $ t w#o claime% to #ave seen someone name% +Sam el' (in% a cat (or my cat online an% to #ave gotten an email a%%ress (rom Sam el! i( I wante% to contact #im. +Sam el' o( co rse wante% to see a &ict re o( Gattino to $e s re o tsi%e o( a +comm nity center'! to #ave tal"e% wit# Sam el a$o t seeing an a%

#e #a% t#e rig#t cat* on receiving a &#oto #e sai% t#at yes! #e %e(initely #a% my

88

cat. He went on to say t#at! li"e me! #e #a% (allen in love wit# Gattino an% ret rn my %arling. K&on Googling t#e (irst (ew lines o( +Sam el's' note! I (o n% saw #er cat. < T#is is Leslie )ie%ler! writing a$o t Simone 3eil.

ta"en #im #ome to 4igeria! $ t i( only I wo l% sen% t#e air(are! #e wo l% an o trage% warning a$o t #im (rom someone w#o #a% &ai% t#e (ee an% never

T#is worl% is t#e only reality availa$le to s! an% i( we %o not love it in all its terror! we are s re to en% & loving t#e +imaginary!' o r own %reams an% sel(7 %eceits! t#e to&ias o( &oliticians! or t#e ( tile &romises o( ( t re rewar% an% consolation w#ic# t#e misle% $las&#emo sly call +religion.'
3#en I rea% it I t#o g#t! yes! t#at is me- %ee& in %reams o( mar$les! omens an% &syc#ics! #o&ing t#at somet#ing will #ave &ity on me an% my cat. , t can one always tell w#at is imaginary an% w#at isn't5 To $e +sentimental' is scorne% $y intelligent &eo&le as (alse! $ t t#e wor% is one s#ort sylla$le away (rom +sentiment'! t#at is! (eeling. )alse (eeling is so $len%e% wit# real (eeling in # man li(e! I won%er i( anyone can always tell t#em a&art! or "now w#en one w#o were not t#ere! in a voice t#at we %i% not recogni1e as #is. One o( t#ese times #e sai%! +I want my mama.' 3#en we #ear% t#is! 6ane an% I (ro1e* $ot# o( w#o "new w#at to %o* s#e #el% #is #an% an% sang to #im. S#e sang #im a sel(7%eceit5 s were as"ing o rselves! s#o l% we &reten% to $e #is mot#er5 It was Mart#a may $e #i%ing in t#e ot#er. 3#en my (at#er was %ying #e crie% o t (or &eo&le

l lla$y! an% #e calme%. He t#o g#t #is mot#er was t#ere. 3as t#is a %ream! a I calle% t#e t#ree yo ng men w#o #a% $een at or near Santa Ma%%alena wit# me! to (in% o t i( any o( t#em &ractise% magic. T#e (irst one I calle% was a me%ical st %ent w#o #a% also written an internationally acclaime% $oo" a$o t a c#il% sol%ier in 3est A(rica. I emaile% #im (irst an% as"e% i( we co l% tal" on

8=

t#e &#one. He co l% scarcely #ave imagine% w#at was coming- +I "now t#is is a &ec liar : estion!' I as"e%! +$ t %o yo &ractise anyt#ing t#at anyone co l% call magic5' T#ere was a long silence. +;o yo mean literally5' #e as"e%. I t#o g#t a$o t it. +Yes!' I sai%. +I t#in" I %o.' T#e silence t#at (ollowe% was so $a((le% t#at I $ro"e %own an% e.&laine% w#y I was as"ing. +3ell!' #e sai%! +I &ray. ;o yo t#in" t#at co nts5' I sai%! +To me it co l%. , t I %on't t#in" t#at's w#at t#e la%y meant.' He was very sym&at#etic a$o t Gattino. He sai% #e wo l% &ray (or me to (in% #im. I t#an"e% #im an% calle% someone else. 3#en my (at#er was alive! #e an% Mart#a were %istant! ncom&re#en%ing! nearly #ostile. He was col% to #er! an% s#e (elt re/ecte% $y #im. As #e $ecame #e trie% to reac# o t to Mart#a. , t t#e &attern was too set. ; ring one o( o r more an% more n#a&&y wit# age an% was event ally re/ecte% $y my mot#er! last C#ristmas visits to #im! I saw my (at#er an% Mart#a act o t a scene w#ic# loo"e% li"e a strange imitation o( a cr el game $etween a girl w#o is ma%ly in love wit# an in%i((erent $oy! an% t#e $oy #imsel(. S#e "e&t as"ing #im over an% over again! %i% #e li"e t#e &resent s#e #a% gotten #im5 ;i% #e really! really li"e

it5 3o l% #e se it5 ;i% #e want to try it o t now5 An% #e res&on%e% sti((ly! irrita$ly! wit# increasing %istance. S#e $e#ave% as i( s#e wante% to win #is love! $ t s#e was &laying t#e loser so aggressively t#at it was almost im&ossi$le (or #im to res&on% wit# love! or to res&on% at all. 3#at was t#e real (eeling #ere5

3#at was t#e %ream or t#e sel(7%eceit5 Somet#ing real was #a&&ening! an% it was terri$le to see. , t it was so %isg ise% t#at it is #ar% to say w#at it act ally was. Still! as #e lay %ying! s#e was t#e one w#o "new to #ol% #is #an%* to sing to

8>

#im. T#e secon% yo ng man I calle%! a H ngarian writer I #a% met o tsi%e o( Santa Ma%%alena! answere% : ite %i((erently (rom t#e (irst. +I #ave &owers!' #e sai% somet#ing move! it wo l% $e somet#ing $ig! li"e a $ il%ing. , t a mar$le 9 I'm t#an I &ossess.' At least t#is conversation ma%e me smile* w#en I re&eate% it at a &arty! I meant to am se &eo&le 9 $ t it act ally o((en%e% someone. +He so n%s li"e an i%iotI' sai% a (ilm &ro% cer w#o #a&&ene% to over#ear me. +T#ere's not#ing c#arming in t#at! #e / st so n%s really! really st &i%.' An% t#en t#e &ro% cer! t#e voice o( A man w#o marrie% very yo ng is! at t#irty! ( ll o( wan%erl st. His wi(e goes normalcy an% intelligence! $egan %escri$ing to me #is latest i%ea (or a come%yo(( (or a tri& alone! an% #e (in%s #imsel( in t#e &resence o( a $ea ti( l yo ng woman w#o wants #im. +)inally! s#e gets #im alone an% s#e ta"es o(( #er s#irt! an% s#e's got incre%i$le tits! really $ig tits! an% t#ey're &er(ect! t#e most $ea ti( l $ig tits yo 've ever seenI , t #e says no an%J' I la g#e%! almost #ysterically. Yes! it was a come%y! an% a %ee&er one t#an its creator "new! to #ave at its %ramatic centre t#e re/ection o( $ea ti( l na"e% $reasts. O( co rse t#e #ero re/ects t#ese $reasts in t#e name o( (ait#( lness! an% rationally all is well. , t i( one m tes t#e trite m sic o( t#e story an% watc#es intensely! +$ t I #ave never $een ta g#t #ow to se t#em very well. I( I ma%e not t#at goo%. To move somet#ing t#at small wo l% re: ire more re(inement

t#e action as s"etc#e% $y t#e &ro% cer! one sees a %i((erent! more star" &lay. 3#et#er it's a come%y or a %rama! a titillating image or a &erverse one! %e&en%s on w#at yo (eel a$o t na"e% $reasts! w#ic# in t#e most ( n%amental sym$olic lang age! translate as n rt re! love an% v lnera$ility. My sister was o((ering my (at#er love! in a (orm #e co l% not acce&t! / st as #e! wit# increasing %es&eration! o((ere% my mot#er love s#e co l% not acce&t or even recogni1e. In eac# o((ering! & rity an% &erversity ma%e a strange &attern* eac# re/ection ma%e t#e &attern more com&lete.

8?

I( my (at#er #a% acte% %i((erently towar%s Mart#a! it is &ossi$le t#at #e co l%'ve $ro"en t#is &attern. ,eca se #e was t#e &arent! it's &ossi$le t#at t#e w#en it came to #is emotions. His emotions were too raw (or so&#istication. $ r%en was on #im to %o so. , t I %on't t#in" #e co l%. He wasn't so&#isticate% 3#en I was t#irty7two! I trie% to $rea" t#e &attern. I was visiting #ome an% my

(at#er was #aving a tem&er tantr m! w#ic# meant on t#is occasion t#at #e was yelling at my mot#er a$o t #er (ailings. He #a% %one t#is (or years! an% normally t#e entire (amily wo l% $e silent an% wait (or #im to tire #imsel( o t. T#is time I %i% not. I yelle% at #im. I tol% #im I was sic" o( listening to #im me* in t#e &ast! I mig#t've e.&ecte% #im to #it me. , t #e %i%n't. He t rne% an% com&lain an% $lame everyt#ing on someone else. I e.&ecte% #im to yell $ac" at wal"e% away. I (ollowe% #im! still yelling. )inally I yelle%! +I am sorry (or tal"ing to yo t#is way. I'm %oing it $eca se I want to #ave a real relations#i& wit# yo . ;o yo want a real relations#i& wit# me5' He sai%! +4o!' an% s# t #is $e%room %oor in my (ace. I (elt $a%. I also (elt vin%icate%. I #a% $een rig#t an% #e #a% $een wrong. 0ven so! I a&ologi1e% t#e ne.t %ay! an% we tal"e%! a little. He %i% not ta"e $ac" #is wor%s. T#at ma%e me even more rig#t. It ma%e me rig#t to emotionally s# t t#e %oor on #im. I re&eate% t#is conversation to an ol%er man! a (rien% w#o is also a (at#er. He la g#e% an% sai%! +I wo l%'ve sai% NnoO too i( I were #im.' I as"e% w#y. I %on't remem$er w#at #e sai%. I came away wit# t#e im&ression t#at my (rien% (o n% t#e lang age I se% too corny or t#era&e tic. An% it was. Certainly my (at#er wo l%'ve (o n% it so. , t I %on't t#in" t#at's t#e only reason #e wal"e% away. I( my lang age was a clic#@! it was also #eart(elt an% na"e%. T#at "in% o( s %%en na"e%ness! wit#o t even a &ost re o( elegance! (orce( lly in a &lace #e #a% s&ent #is li(e g ar%ing. To say +yes' wo l%'ve wo l%'ve $een a "in% o( violence to my (at#er. It wo l%'ve to c#e% #im

8B

allowe% too m c# o( t#at (orce in too %ee&ly. Saying +no' was a way o( $eing (ait#( l to t#e g ar%e% &lace. My (at#er contin e% to t#row tantr ms an% $lame &eo&le (or #is s ((ering. A little w#ile a(ter I as"e% #im i( #e wante% a real relations#i& wit# me! I wrote a letter telling #im #ow angry I was wit# #im (or acting t#at way. ,e(ore I sent it! I tol% my mot#er a$o t it. S#e sai% it wo l% really # rt #im. S#e sai%! +He tol% me! NMary an% I #ave a real relations#i&.O ' At t#e time I t#o g#t! #ow sa%. 4ow i%eal. ,eca se a sec rity g ar% name% Gino claime% to #ave seen Gattino mont#s a(ter #e %isa&&eare%! $ot# Aeter an% I $egan to $elieve t#at #e #a% some#ow %own to (ree1ing! even t#o g# it m st've $een #ar% to get eno g# to eat. I win% wo l% carry t#e scent to #im an% t#at #e wo l% $e a$le to (in% #is way (o n% a &lace to s rvive! even t#o g# t#e tem&erat res #a% sometimes gone $egan %ra&ing t#e $ s#es o( o r #o se wit# sweaty clot#es! #o&ing t#at t#e $ac". 3e contin e% to & t (oo% o t in s#eltere% &laces near &ar"ing areas* in a%%ition! we $egan to +sta"e o t' t#ese areas almost every nig#t! sitting in o r car wit# t#e #ea%lig#ts traine% on t#e (oo%. 3e saw at least two cats come to eat 9 $ot# were grey ta$$ies! $ t $ig ones t#at s rely no one co l% mista"e (or t#e %elicate cat %e&icte% on o r &oster. Only once! Aeter saw a very small! t#in slin"ing n%er &ar"e% cars. It was a$o t to emerge into t#e o&en w#en a noisy crow% o( st %ents came $y an% it %arte% away $ac" n%er t#e cars. T#e very act o( %oing t#ese t#ings 9 waiting in t#e &ar"ing lots! %ra&ing t#e $ s#es wit# clot#ing 9 ma%e me (eel t#at Gattino was still t#ere. ,e(ore I met Gattino! $e(ore I went to Italy! I tal"e% wit# Caesar on t#e &#one! an% % ring t#at conversation #e as"e% w#y I sent #is mot#er money. I co l% #ave sai%! $eca se I love yo an% I want to #el& #er ta"e care o( yo . Instea% I sai%! +,eca se w#en I (irst met yo r mot#er an% s#e tol% me s#e ma%e si. cat w#o co l%'ve $een o rs! $ t #e co l%n't get a goo% loo" $eca se it was I t#in" #e was rig#t. O r relations#i& was real. 3#at I wante% it to $e was

8D

%ollars an% (orty cents an #o r! I (elt as#ame% as an American. I (elt li"e s#e %eserve% more s &&ort (or coming #ere an% trying to get a $etter li(e.' He sai%! +3#at yo 're saying is really ( c"e% &.' I sai%! +3#y5' He sai%! +I %on't "now! it / st is.' I sai%! +A t wor%s on it. Try.' He sai%! +I can't.' I sai%! +Yes! yo can. 3#y is w#at I'm saying ( c"e% &5' He sai%! +,eca se it's goo% eno g# t#at s#e came #ere to get a $etter li(e.' I sai%! +I agree. , t s#e s#o l% $e ac"nowle%ge%. I #ave a #ar% /o$ an% sometimes I #ate it! $ t I get ac"nowle%ge% an% s#e s#o l% too. An% some$o%y $esi%es me s#o l% %o it! $ t no$o%y is! so I am.' He sai%! +Aeo&le are ac"nowle%ging #er. S#e ma"es more money now.' I sai%! +T#at's goo%. , t it still s#o l% $e more.' He sai%! +Yo act li"e yo (eel sorry (or #er.' I sai%! +I %o. So w#at5 Sometimes I (eel sorry (or Aeter! sometimes I (eel sorry (or mysel(. T#ere's no s#ame in t#at.' He sai%! +, t yo tal" a$o t my mom li"e s#e's some "in% o( (rea".' I sai%! +I %on't t#in" t#at.' He sai%! +Yo tal" a$o t #er li"e yo t#in" yo 're $etter t#an #er.' An% (or a moment I was silent. ,eca se I %o t#in" t#at 9 rat#er! I (eel it. ,e(ore Go%! as so ls! I %on't (eel it. , t socially! as creat res o( t#is eart#! I %o. I'm wrong to (eel it. , t I %o (eel it. I (eel it &artly $eca se o( t#ings Caesar an% 4atalia #ave tol% me.

8H

He #ear% my #esitation an% #e $egan to cry. An% I so I lie% to #im. O( co rse #e "new I lie%. He sai%! +)or t#e (irst time I (eel as#ame% o( my (amily.' I sai% I was sorry* I trie% to reass re #im. He as"e% me i( I wo l% ta"e money (rom someone w#o t#o g#t t#ey were $etter t#an me an% I sai%! +)ran"ly! yes. mysel(! N) c" yo (or t#in"ing yo 're $etter t#an me.O ' Aassionately! #e sai% #e wo l% never! ever %o t#at. I sna&&e%! +;on't $e so s re a$o t t#at. Yo %on't "now yet.' He sto&&e% crying. I sai%! +Caesar! t#is is really #ar%. ;o yo t#in" we can get t#ro g# it5' He sai%! +I %on't "now.' T#en! +Yes.' I as"e% #im i( #e remem$ere% t#e time on t#e train w#en #e was only seven! w#en #e as"e% me w#y I love% #im an% I sai% I %i%n't "now yet. +4ow I "now w#y!' I sai%. +T#is is w#y. Yo 're not some$o%y w#o / st wants to #ear nice $ lls#it. Yo care. Yo want to "now w#at's real. I love yo (or t#at.' T#is was tr e. , t sometimes t#e tr t# is too sa% to $e#ol%. He sai% #e was me. He #esitate% an% t#en sai%! +4o. Insi%e! I am not ma% at yo ! Mary.' )or mont#s a(ter Gattino %isa&&eare%! I still %reame% o( #im at least once a wee". I wo l% %ream t#at I was stan%ing in t#e yar% calling #im! li"e I #a% $e(ore #e'% %isa&&eare%! an% #e'% come to me t#e way #e #a% come in realityr nning wit# #is tail &! lea&ing slig#tly in #is eagerness! lea&ing (inally into ot#er cats I #ave #a% in t#e &ast. In one %ream I $len%e% #im wit# Caesar. In my la&. O(ten in t#e %ream #e %i%n't loo" li"e #imsel(* o(ten I $len%e% #im wit# t#is %ream! Caesar an% I were #aving an arg ment! an% I got so angry I o&ene% I( I nee%e% t#e money I wo l% ta"e as m c# as I co l%! an% I wo l% say to

sorry #e'% $ot#ere% me! an% t#at #e was tire%. I as"e% #im i( #e still (elt ma% at

=E

my mo t#! t#reatening to $ite #im. He o&ene% #is mo t# too! in co nter7t#reat. An% w#en #e %i% t#at! I saw t#at #e #a% t#e small! s#ar& teet# o( a "itten. 3#en we came $ac" (rom Italy! Caesar came to visit. 3e were tire% an% &ac"ing to move. 3e %i% not #ave as m c# energy as we s ally #ave (or #im* #e (elt t#at imme%iately an% resente% it. He sai%! +Yo 've c#ange%.' An% #e $ecame volatile an% #ostile! $e#avio r w#ic# #a% a very %i((erent : ality at t#e age o( twelve t#an it #a% w#en #e was seven. T#e secon% %ay #e was wit# s #e tol% Aeter! +I want to c t o(( yo r n ts'* I t#o g#t Aeter wo l% "noc" #im %own t#e stairs. Some %ays later #e tol% me I %i%n't #ave any "i%s $eca se I went to t#e vet an% +got (i.e%'* I answere% rationally! $ t insi%e! (or t#e (irst time! my (eelings (or #im went %ea%. T#at nig#t a(ter #e went to $e%! #e starte% screaming t#at #e co l%n't $reat#e. I gave #im #is in#aler an% r $$e% #is c#est. )or over an #o r #e contin e% to scream an% to (orce #imsel( to co g#! lo %ly an% %ramatically. I went in t#e room an% sat wit# #im. I tol% #im I "new #e was (a"ing t#e ast#ma! an% t#at I

also "new it was #ar% to $e wit# s an% t#at t#e visit wasn't going rig#t. I tol% #im I was #aving a #ar% time slee&ing too an% t#at I was really tire%! w#ic# was &art o( w#y I co l%n't $e as &resent as I'% li"e. I & t my #an% on #is stomac# an% tol% #im to $reat#e t#ere. He %i%. 3e tal"e% a$o t t#e Harry Aotter movie we #a% seen t#e nig#t $e(ore. 3e tal"e% a$o t t#e i%ea o( an alternate niverse! an% w#at mig#t $e going on in it rig#t now. I (elt connecte%

to #im again. He close% #is eyes an% $egan to $reat#e evenly. I le(t #is room at one o'cloc". He wo"e me & at si. t#e ne.t morning! %eman%ing t#at I get & an% #el& #im t rn on t#e s#ower. In Marc#! (o r mont#s a(ter Gattino %isa&&eare%! I got a call at t#ree a.m. (rom Gino t#e sec rity g ar% w#o sai% #e #a% / st seen #im in one o( t#e &ar"ing lots. I & t my coat on over my &y/amas! got in t#e car an% was t#ere wit#in (las#lig#ts! &ointing at t#e %im (ig re o( a cat n%er t#e last car at t#e en% o( a

min tes. Gino an% anot#er g ar% were e.cite%ly &acing aro n% wit#

=1

row o( cars. 3#en I a&&eare% t#e cat $olte%. +T#ere #e goesI' crie% Gino. An% #e s#one #is (las#lig#t on t#e o$ese ta$$y we #a% $een seeing (or mont#s. +T#at can't $e #im!' sai% t#e ot#er g ar%. +T#at cat #as two eyes.' +4o #e %oesn'tI' insiste% Gino. +I s#ine% my lig#t on #im an% I sawI' A (ew nig#ts later I s&o"e to anot#er sec rity g ar%! a reticent ol%er man w#o #a% once tol% me t#at #e'% seen my cat. I as"e% #im! w#en #a% #e last seen Gattino5 He sai% it #a% $een t#ree mont#s ago 9 may$e longer. +I #aven't seen many cats lately!' #e sai%. +I'll tell yo w#at I #ave seen t#o g#. T#ere's a # ge $o$cat! all over cam& s late at nig#t. T#at an% a lot o( coyotes.' %eat# an animal wo l% n%erstan%. His meaning was clear. I %i%n't say m c# o( anyt#ing. I t#o g#t! at least it's a Caesar %i% not $e#ave $a%ly t#e w#ole visit. He love% Gattino* #e love% t#e story o( #is illness an% #is %ramatic (lig#t (rom Italy. 3#en #e "new t#at a (rien% o( Aeter's was coming (or %inner! #e s&ontaneo sly s&ent #is own money to $ y (o r cannolis at a &astry s#o& at w#ic# we'% sto&&e% to $ y a so%a. +I want to go all o t (or s!' #e sai%. 3#en it came time to #ave t#e %essert! #e sai%! +3ait! let me get it rea%yI' An% #e serve% t#e &astry garnis#e% wit# $l e$erries! w#ic# m st've $een a last7min te ins&iration. , t w#en Aeter's (rien% emaile% #im a &oem to t#an" #im (or t#e cannoli! #is res&onse was! +3#at a st &i% $itc#. 3#at "in% o( st &i% $itc# wo l% write t#is (or someone t#e s mmer an% #e #a%n't %one any. I "new #e #a% rea% a sim&li(ie% version o(

s#e %oesn't even "now5' His sc#ool #a% assigne% #im t#ree $oo" re&orts over

Call o( t#e 3il% an% I "new #e #a% love% it. So I ma%e #im write a $oo" re&ort a$o t it. He moane%! +Aw! manC' , t #e wor"e% on it (or nearly an #o r. 3#en #e (inis#e% I went over it an% &ointe% o t t#e errors! an% t#e &laces w#ere #e nee%e% to $e clearer or more s&eci(ic. He s&ent at least a #al(7#o r revising it. He s#owe% it to me &ro %ly! an% rig#tly so 9 it was e.cellent. A

=2

mont# later I learne% t#at #e never t rne% it in. I tal"e% to 4atalia a(ter Caesar's visit* s#e as"e% #ow it went. I sai% I was angry at #im (or not t rning in #is #omewor". T#ere was a $eat o( silence on #er en%! an% t#en s#e sai%! +I wo l% $e ma% too.' S#e sai% it wit# a slig#t smile in #er voice. It was two "in%s o( smile in one- moc"ing an% relieve% at #aving a conventional a% lt res&onse to moc". S#e may also #ave $een sim&ly &lease% to $e on my team (or t#e instant it too" to say t#e sentence* we #a% not $een on t#e same team (or : ite a w#ile. ,eca se 4atalia #a% r n away (rom #ome re&eate%ly! s#e #a% $een sent to live in a gro & #ome* s#e was %eeme% too wil% (or (oster care. S#e #a% $een t#ere (or two years. T#e (irst year s#e was t#ere! we #a% manage% to get #er once more into t#e cam& s#e #a% love%! an% we #a% #o&e t#at it wo l% wor" o t $etter now t#at s#e wasn't living wit# #er mot#er. At (irst! it seeme% to. Again t#e co nsellors got e.cite% a$o t #er* again s#e was acce&te% into t#e Teen Lea%ers#i& &rogramme. A(ter a (ew mont#s! s#e $lew it o((. S#e starte% going #ome to stay wit# #er mot#er! even t#o g# t#ey (o g#t violently. )inally #er mot#er sai% t#at i( 4atalia $e#ave% #ersel( (or t#ree mont#s straig#t! sto&&e% violating c r(ew an% went to sc#ool! s#e co l% ret rn #ome. 4atalia %i% it! (or t#e entire t#ree mont#s. T#e co rt %ate was set. It was e.&ecte% to $e a wal"7t#ro g#. )ormally! t#e / %ge as"e% 4atalia's mot#er i( sai%! +I wo l% never let t#at girl come live wit# me again.' T#e social wor"er

A3OL! s"i&&ing sc#ool an% r nning t#e streets. 0very wee"en%! s#e went

s#e wo l% allow #er to ret rn #ome. An% #er mot#er la g#e%. S#e la g#e% an% tol% me 4atalia screame% li"e an animal. S#e sai% s#e #a% to $e #el% $ac" $y co rt o((icers. S#e sai% t#at Caesar #a% $een t#ere an% t#at #e #a% la g#e% along wit# #is mot#er. S#e sai% s#e #a% never seen anyt#ing li"e it. T#e social wor"er w#o tol% me w#at #a&&ene% in co rt re&eate% to me w#at s#e #a% sai% to 4atalia- t#at s#e +#as to acce&t #er mot#er (or w#at s#e is $eca se s#e will never c#ange'. 3#at #eavy "nowle%ge (or a yo ng girl. I(

=8

4atalia act ally a$sor$e% s c# %ee& "nowle%ge at (i(teen 9 an% I s s&ect t#at s#e a$sor$e% it m c# yo nger 9 #ow can t#e more re(ine% "nowle%ge o( #er5 3#at will it %o to #er to acce&t a woman w#o mistreats #er5 S#e is si.teen now! an% s#e is (inally a$o t to $e trans(erre% to a (oster #ome. S#e still rea%ing an% writing an% mat# &ro$lems ever seem li"e anyt#ing $ t trivial to

goes $ac" to stay wit# #er mot#er every wee"en%. S#e will go $ac" t#ere again an% again. My g ess is t#at s#e will contin e to %o so in some (orm long a(ter #er mot#er is gone. How st &i% to t#in" I co l% $rea" t#is &attern w#en I co l% not $rea" my own.

; ring t#e %eca%es $e(ore I got marrie%! I can't o((#an% say #ow many times I've as"e% (or or %eman%e% some sort o( relations#i& wit# someone w#o s# t t#e %oor in my (ace! t#en o&ene% it again an% &ee"e% o t. I wo l% 9 meta&#orically 9 &o n% on t#e %oor an% (ollow t#e &erson t#ro g# en%less interest com&letely. I t#o g#t t#en t#at my (eelings were (alse an% #a% $een all along 9 $ t t#e &ain t#at came (rom re/ecting or $eing re/ecte% was real an% %ee&. It %i% not #el& w#en I reali1e% t#at I was as m c# or more to $lame (or t#at I scarce gave t#e &erson o&&osite me m c# c#oice in t#eir res&onse. 3#en I tal" a$o t my relations#i& wit# t#e c#il%ren an% #ow (r strating it is! some &eo&le say! +, t yo 're s#owing t#em anot#er way.' Am I5 ;ee&er t#an my enco raging! i%eal wor%s is my e.&erience o( t#e close% %oor an% t#e %es&erate insistence t#at it o&en 9 emotional a$sence! (ollowe% $y a com& lsive reaction t#at $ecomes its own "in% o( a$sence. 0ven i( t#ey %on't i%enti(y it! I'm s re t#e c#il%ren (eel it. I'm also s re t#at t#ey (eel t#e tr e! live t#ing tra&&e% some#ow insi%e t#e (alse game 9 i( in (act +game' is t#e rig#t wor% (or w#at I #ave %escri$e%. A game is somet#ing conscio s! wit# clear r les an% goals t#at everyone agrees to. 3#at I e.&erience% too o(ten! insi%e mysel( or wit# anot#er! was a #al(7conscio s! rooms. At least a (ew times t#e %oor o&ene% an% I (ell in love 9 $e(ore losing

t#e res lt as t#e &eo&le I & rs e%! t#at I o(ten +&laye% t#e loser' so aggressively

==

(ast7moving $l r o( real an% (alse! &lay( lness an% ang is#! ar%ent a((ection &erson or alone! t#ro g# a la$yrint# o( con(licting im& lses an% com&le.! overlai% &atterns! trying to (in% a way to meet! or to avoi% meeting! $ot# at t#e same time. In s&ite o( everyt#ing! sometimes I %i% meet wit# &eo&le! an% a(ter ten years! #e an% I nonet#eless (in% o rselves wan%ering a&art an% alone. An% so I ta"e t#e "i%s to movies an% to &lays* I sen% t#em $oo"s! listen to t#em tal"! an% lect re t#em a$o t t#eir #omewor"! still sometimes try to #el& t#em %o it. I %e%icate% a $oo" to 4atalia an% sent it to #er so s#e co l% see #er name written in it. I %on't t#in" I will ever ( lly "now #ow any o( t#ese actions a((ect #er or Caesar! (or goo% or ill. I act almost $lin%ly an% #o&e t#at most o( it will $e to t#e goo%. T#is too my (at#er e.&erience%. 3#en I was a$o t (orty! my (at#er calle% me to tell me t#at #e #a% (o n% a &ict re t#at I #a% %rawn w#en I was seven! an% t#at it +s#owe% real talent'. He sai% t#at #e #a% &lanne% to (rame it $ t t#en #e lost it* #e loo"e% everyw#ere! #e was (rantic. T#en #e reali1e% it co l%'ve gotten mi.e% maga1ines t#at #e #a% ta"en to a recycling $in 9 #e went to t#e $in! w#ic# was

an% its tter lac". More t#an a game! it was as i( I were st m$ling! wit# anot#er

lovingly. I met my # s$an% in t#at way almost $y acci%ent. An% sometimes!

& wit# some

( ll o( stic"y cra& an% swarme% $y $ees! an% #e s&ent at least an #o r loo"ing (or t#e &ict re. He %i%n't (in% it. , t now! a mont# later! #e #a% %iscovere% it n%er anot#er &ile o( &a&ers. He was #a&&y an% relieve% an% #e wante% me to "now. I %on't remem$er #ow I reacte%. I remem$er t#at t#e tone o( #is wor%s was t#e same to me as i( #e #a% calle% to once again anno nce t#at #e was going to "ill #imsel(! or to try to &ers a%e me to tal" o r mot#er into coming $ac" to #im! or neig#$o r was ma"ing. to tell me t#at #aving c#il%ren #a% r ine% #is li(e! or to rage a$o t t#e noise a

=>

T#e (amily myt# was t#at o r (at#er was cra1y! com& lsive! o$sesse% wit#

t#ings li"e $argains on toilet &a&er or co &ons. An% #e was. It was #ar% to #ear (eeling in #is wor%s $eca se #is voice an% #is wor%s were #a$it ally agitate%! o$sesse%! so tig#t t#at t#e (eeling o( t#em was lost. A(ter #e %ie% I (o n% t#e %rawing #e was tal"ing a$o t. It was (rame% an%

#anging on #is wall* I m st've seen it $e(ore w#en I'% come to visit. , t I #a% not registere% it. My (eelings #a% $ecome as lost as #is #a% $een. I sat wit# t#e &ict re an% crie%. At t#e en% o( Caesar's last visit we %rove #im $ac" to t#e city. 3#ile I t#o g#t #e was aslee& in t#e $ac" seat! I #a% a conversation wit# Aeter a$o t # man love! #ow &erverte% an% cr el it can $e on t#e one #an%! #ow $l ntly! ( nctionally $iological on t#e ot#er. )li&&antly I sai%! +May$e it act ally %oesn't even e.ist.' Rig#t a(ter I sai% t#at! a st ((e% animal $o nce% o(( my #ea% an% co nty (air t#e &revio s %ay. +3#at %o yo call t#at5' #e as"e%. I la g#e% an% t#an"e% #im. Love as a c#ea& st ((e% toy $o nce% o(( yo r #ea% 9 it's a $rilliant meta&#or an% a tr e one. , t t#e meta&#or (or love t#at I (eel more %ee&ly is a lost! isn't tr er. , t I (eel it more. # ngry little animal %ying as it tries to (in% its way $ac" #ome in t#e col%. It May$e! t#o g#! it is wrong to & t t#e weig#t o( s c# a meta&#or on to t#e memory o( somet#ing so small an% lig#t as a "itten. May$e it was wrong to c#ase my (at#er t#ro g# #is #o se s#o ting a$o t +a real relations#i&'* may$e w#at it meant! in & $lic no less. It was certainly wrong to

into my la&* it was a smiling little cow t#at Caesar #a% won (or me at t#e

it is even worse to "ee& analysing an% : estioning w#at #is e.&erience was an% re&eate%ly re&lay t#is %rama! w#et#er t#ey willingly &artici&ate% or not! +lost' Caesar an% 4atalia $eca se t#ey aren't %oing w#at I want t#em to %o. It's se &eo&le to

w#et#er I "new w#at I was %oing or not. It may $e wrong to (eel li"e I #ave also &ossi$le t#at i( t#ey c#oose to # rt t#emselves $y %eli$erately (ailing an%

=?

re/ecting m c# o( w#at I can give t#em I s#o l% lose t#em* I'm not s re. I once rea% a C#e"#ov story w#ic# %escri$e% a minor c#aracter as +trying to snatc# (rom li(e more t#an it can give'* may$e I #ave t rne% into s c# a &erson! na$le to acce&t w#at is given! always trying to tear t#ings & in or%er to (in%

w#at is +real'! even w#en I %on't "now w#at +real' is! na$le to maintain t#e res&ect! t#e %ignity o( not as"ing too m c# or even loo"ing too closely at t#e wor"ings o( t#e #eart! w#ic#! no matter #ow yo loo"! can never $e ( lly seen or n%erstoo%. T#e t#o g#t ma"es me loo" %own in sel(7re&roac#. T#en I t#in"! $ t li(e can not loo"5 3#y not see as m c# as yo can5 How is t#at %isres&ect( l5 I( yo

give a lot. I( yo can't see insi%e t#e #eart no matter #ow yo loo"! t#en w#y are only given one loo"! s#o l%n't yo loo" as ( lly as yo can5 A lost cat wo l% not as" itsel( i( (oo% an% s#elter were too m c# to e.&ect! or try to (ig re o t #ow m c# (oo% an% s#elter were eno g# or w#o was t#e rig#t &erson to give t#ose t#ings. It wo l% / st "ee& trying to get t#ose t#ings ntil t#e moment it %ie%. ; ring t#e time I was $eginning to lose #o&e o( (in%ing Gattino I went to

Montana to %o a rea%ing at a niversity t#ere. My #otel room overloo"e% a river! an% one %ay as I was staring o t t#e win%ow! some &eo&le wit# a %og came wal"ing along t#e river$an". T#e %og got e.cite%! an% #is owner let #im o(( #is c#ain. He went r nning an% ma%e a wil% lea& into t#e water! #is legs s&laye% ecstatically wi%e. I smile% an% t#o g#t +Gattino'* (or once t#e t#o g#t was com(orting! not sa%. I t#o g#t! even i( #e is %ea%! #e's still #ere in t#at s&laye%! ecstatic lea&. T#is i%ea was no %o $t an ill sion! a sel(7%ece&tion. , t t#at %og was not. T#at %og was real. An% so was Gattino.

GRA4TA 1EB! SKMM0R! 2EEH