Demeter: Goddess of Grain, Nurturer and Mother

DEMETER THE ARCHETYPE

Demeter is the maternal archetype. She represents maternal instinct fulfilled through pregnancy or through providing physical, psychological, or spiritual nourishment to others. This powerful archetype can dictate the course a womans life will take, can have a significant impact on others in her life, and can predispose her to depression if her need to nurture is rejected or thwarted. THE MOTHER The mother archetype was represented on Mt. Olympus y Demeter, whose most important roles were as mother !of "ersephone# and as provider of food !as $oddess of $rain# and spiritual sustenance !the %leusinian Mysteries#. &lthough other goddesses were also mothers !'era and &phrodite#, her daughter was Demeters most significant relationship. She was also the most nurturing of the goddesses. & woman with a strong Demeter archetype longs to e a mother. Once she ecomes a mother, she finds it a fulfilling role. (hen Demeter is the strongest archetype in a womans psyche, eing a mother is the most important role and func) *+* Demeter, $oddess of $rain, -urturer and Mother tion in her life. The image of mother and child.most often represented in (estern art as the Madonna and child.corresponds to an inner picture that deeply moves her. The mother archetype motivates women to nurture others, to e generous and giving, and to find satisfaction as caretakers and providers. Thus the nurturing aspect of the Demeter archetype can e e/pressed through the helping professions.teaching, nursing, counseling, in any jo in which helping others is part of the role.and in any relationship in which she can e a nurturing person. The archetype is not restricted to eing a mother. MATERNAL INSTINCT On the iological level, Demeter represents maternal instinct.the desire to ecome pregnant and have a a y.which some women have yearned to do as long as they can remem er. The Demeter archetype is a compelling force toward getting pregnant. & woman may e 0uite conscious of how strong the instinct is and may e a le to decide when she will fulfill this deep

desire. 1ut if unconsciously motivated y Demeter, she may find herself 2accidentally3 pregnant. (hat happens after she discovers an unplanned pregnancy indicates how strong this archetype is in a particular woman. (hen an a ortion is clearly the most sensi le or responsi le course of action, a non)Demeter woman can arrange to have the a ortion and can feel relieved afterward. &nd from that point on she will take great care never to accidently get pregnant again. 4n contrast, when Demeter is a strong influence a ortion may e in the womans est interest, ut she may find herself una le to have one. & ortion goes against a deep inner imperative in her to have a child. &s a conse0uence, she may have the a y rather than the a ortion, thus altering the entire course of her life. 4f she does decide to have an a ortion, she will feel conflict and turmoil during and after the choice)making process and the procedure. She will feel grief rather than relief, or a mi/ture of such feelings. 5inally, one would think that having gone through so much unhappiness, this type of woman would make sure it would not happen again. 1ut often the opposite is *+6 $oddesses in %verywoman true.she goes through cycles of pregnancy, turmoil, a ortion, and depression, ecause the drive to ecome pregnant, once thwarted, ecomes even stronger. Demeters maternal instinct is not restricted to eing a iological mother or to nurturing only her own children. 1eing a foster parent or a ysitter allows many women to continue e/pressing maternal love after their own children have grown or gone. The goddess herself had this role with Demopho7n. %milie &pplegate, a San Diego woman who has received recognition as a special foster mother, personifies this aspect of Demeter.8 She cares for Me/ican a ies who are so malnourished or ill that their survival is threatened, taking them into her home, where they ecome part of her own family of three sons and one adopted daughter. Shes descri ed as a 2Mama Segunda3.a second mother. &pplegate.as well as the more cele rated De1olts, who have adopted handicapped children of many races.have an a undance of maternal instinct and a ility to nurture and foster growth that is typically Demeter. FOOD PROVIDER 5eeding others is another satisfaction for a Demeter woman. She finds nursing her own child tremendously satisfying. 4t gives her pleasure to provide ample meals for family and guests. 4f they enjoy her food, she asks in the warmth of feeling like a good mother !rather than.as &thena might.like a gourmet chef#. 4f she works in an office, she enjoys serving others coffee !in marked contrast to an &rtemis woman, who feels demeaned and refuses to do so unless the men also take turns#. Demeter, as $oddess of $rain, provided humanity with the a ility

to cultivate crops and was responsi le for the fruitfulness of nature. Similarly, women who move to the country to grow their own food, ake read, can fruits, and share their ounty with others are e/pressing the Mother -ature aspect of Demeter. PERSISTENT MOTHER Maternal persistence is another Demeter attri ute. Such mothers refuse to give up when the welfare of their children is *+8 Demeter, $oddess of $rain, -urturer and Mother involved. Many special education classes for handicapped children e/ist ecause a Demeter mother fought to get what her child needed. &nd the &rgentine mothers of missing sons and daughters who were a ducted y the state police were also like Demeter in their persistence. 9alled the Madres de la Plaza de Mayo !The Mothers of the May "la:a#, they refused to resign themselves to the loss of their children and continued to protest against the dictatorship, even though it was dangerous to do so. Stu orness, patience, and perseverence are Demeter 0ualities that.as ;eus ruefully discovered. may eventually influence a powerful man or an institution. GENEROUS MOTHER 4n her mythology, Demeter was the most generous goddess. She gave humanity agriculture and harvests, helped raise Demopho7n !and would have made him immortal#, and provided the %leusinian Mysteries. These e/pressions of ountifulness are all found in Demeter women. Some naturally provide tangi le food and physical care, some provide emotional and psychological support, while others give spiritual nourishment. Many famous women religious leaders have had Demeter 0ualities and een seen y their followers as maternal figures, the saintly recipient of the -o el "eace "ri:e, Mother Teresa of 9alcutta< Mary 1aker %ddy, who founded the 9hristian Science religion< the woman referred to simply as 2The Mother,3 spiritual leader of the &uro indo &shram in 4ndia. These three levels of giving also parallel what Demeter women give their own children. 5irst their children depend on their mothers to take care of their physical needs. Then they turn to their mothers for emotional support and understanding. &nd, finally, they may look to their mothers for spiritual wisdom as they cope with disappointments and grief or seek to find some meaning in life. THE GRIEVING MOTHER: SUSCEPTIBILITY TO DEPRESSION (hen the Demeter archetype is a strong force and a woman cannot fulfill it, she may suffer from a characteristic 2empty nest and emptiness3 depression. & woman who yearns *+= $oddesses in %verywoman to have a child may e arren, or a child may die or leave home. Or her jo as surrogate mother may end, and she may miss her clients or students. Then, rather than rage or actively strike out at those she

holds responsi le !'eras way of reacting#, the Demeter woman tends to sink into depression. She grieves, her life feels devoid of meaning and empty. Dr. "auline 1art, a professor of sociology at the >niversity of 4llinois, wrote an article a out depressed Demeter women entitled 2Mother "ortnoys 9omplaint.3= 1art studied the records of over ?@@ women who were hospitali:ed for the first time etween the ages of forty and fifty)nine. She found that e/tremely nurturant, overly involved mothers who lost their maternal role were the most depressed. "rior to their illnesses, these women were 2super)mother3 types with a history of making sacrifices. Auotes from these depressed women revealed their emotional investment in providing for others and the emptiness they felt when their children left. One woman said, 2-aturally as a mother you hate to have your daughter leave home. 4 mean it was a void there.3 &nother commented, 24 was such an energetic woman. 4 had a ig house, and 4 had my family. My daughter said, BMother didnt serve eight courses, she served ten.3 &sked what they were most proud of, all these women replied, 2My children.3 -one mentioned any other accomplishment of their own. (hen they lost their maternal roles, life lost its meaning. (hen a woman of late middle age ecomes depressed, angry, and disappointed ecause her adult children are emotionally or physically distant, she ecomes a grieving Demeter. She is o sessed y her sense of loss and constricts her interests. 'er psychological growth stops. 2"ossessed3 y the grieving aspect of the Demeter archetype, she is practically indistinguisha le from other similarly suffering women. Such depressed patients show symptoms that are very much alike, their depressed facial e/pressions< the way they sit, stand, walk, and sigh< the way they e/press pain and make others feel defensive, guilty, angry, and helpless. THE DESTRUCTIVE MOTHER (hen grieving Demeter stopped functioning, nothing would grow, and famine threatened to destroy humankind. *+?Similarly, the destructive aspect of Demeter is e/pressed y withholding what another person needs !in contrast to 'era and &rtemis who are actively destructive in their rage#. & gravely depressed, nonfunctioning new mother can e life endangering to her infant, emergency room staff or a pediatrician may diagnose 2failure to thrive.3 The a y has not gained weight, is listless, and may e emaciated in appearance. 5ailure to thrive results when a mother withholds emotional and physical contact from her infant, as well as needed nutrition. Mothers who refuse to speak to their young children for days, or

even longer periods, or who isolate their small children inflict psychological damage through this form of withholding. Such mothers are themselves usually seriously depressed and hostile. Much more common than these e/treme forms of withholding are Demeter mothers who withhold approval as their children grow more independent of them. (hile the mothers depression is less evident in these circumstances, withholding approval !which a child needs for self)esteem# is also connected with depression. She e/periences her childs growing autonomy as an emotional loss for herself. She feels less needed and rejected, and as a result may e depressed and angry. & woman may seek to shift gears and e more maternal toward a particular child, or she may want to e loved y a *+C $oddesses in %verywoman particular child. The child pulls for !or constellates# the archetype in the woman. Motivated y her feelings for the child, she will work at eing more patient, or e persistent on the childs ehalf. &s she seems to e more maternal, and works at eing so, the archetype of Demeter grows within her.

DEMETER THE WOMAN

& Demeter woman is first and foremost maternal. 4n her relationships, she is nurturing and supportive, helpful and giving. She is often a Dady 1ountiful, providing whatever she sees is needed.chicken soup, a supportive hug, money to tide a friend over, a standing invitation to 2come home to Mother.3 & Demeter woman often has an aura of the %arth Mother a out her. She is solid and dependa le. Others descri e her as having her 2feet on the ground,3 as she goes a out doing what needs to e done with a mi/ture of practicality and warmth. She is usually generous, outer)directed, altruistic, and loyal to individuals and principles, to the point that others may see her as stu orn. She has strong convictions and is difficult to udge when something or someone important to her is involved. YOUNG DEMETER Some little girls are clearly udding Demeters.2little mothers3 who cradle a y dolls in their arms. !Dittle 'era prefers 1ar ie and Een dolls, and little &thena may have a collection of historical dolls in a glass case.# Foung Demeter also likes to hold real a ies< at nine or ten shes eager to a ysit for her neigh ors. PARENTS The relationship that Demeter women have with their parents can e etter understood if we first look at the goddess Demeters relationship with her parents. Demeter the goddess was the daughter of Ghea and the granddaughter of $aea. $aea was the primal %arth Mother from whom all life came, including the Sky $od, >ranus, who ecame her hus and. Ghea was also known as an %arth goddess, although she

*++is most famous for eing the mother of the first)generation Olympians. &s goddess of $rain, Demeter continues the lineage of female goddesses concerned with fertility. She shares other similarities with her mother and grandmother as well. 5or e/ample, all three suffered when their hus ands hurt their children. $aeas hus and uried her children in her ody when they were orn. Gheas hus and swallowed her new orn children. &nd Demeters hus and allowed their daughter to e a ducted into the underworld. &ll three iological fathers displayed a lack of paternal feelings. 5or three generations, these mother goddesses suffered. Dess powerful than their hus ands, they were una le to stop their hus ands from harming their children. 'owever, they refused to accept the a use, and they persisted until their children were freed. >nlike 'era, whose primary ond was the wife)hus and relationship, the strongest ond of these %arth)Mother goddesses was mother)child. *H? ADOLESCENCE AND EARLY ADULTHOOD &t pu erty, a a y of her own ecomes a iological possi ility as the archetypal maternal drive gets a oost from hor) *+I $oddesses in %verywoman mones. Then some Demeter girls start yearning to ecome pregnant. 4f other aspects of her life are empty and she is herself little more than a neglected child, a young Demeter who has een coerced into se/ and ecomes pregnant may welcome the child. One pregnant fourteen)year)old girl at a shelter for unwed mothers said, 2(hen other girls my age wanted icycles or other things, 4 always wanted a a y of my own. 4m happy 4m pregnant.3 'owever, most Demeter adolescents do not ecome pregnant. Dacking 'eras deep wish to e part of a couple or &phrodites erotic drives, Demeter is not motivated to have early se/ual e/perience.*HC Many Demeters marry young. 4n working)class families, a girl may e encouraged to get married right after high school. This push may fit with a girls own Demeter proclivities to have a family rather than an education or a jo . 4f a young Demeter woman does not marry and egin a family, she will go to work or college. 4n college, she will pro a ly take courses geared toward preparing her to enter a helping profession. & Demeter woman is not typically am itious, intellectual, or competitive for grades, though she may do well is shes right and interested in her classes. Status, which 'era women find important, is inconse0uential to a Demeter. 'er friends are often chosen across a wide social and racial range. She will go out of her way to make an ill)at)ease foreign student feel comforta le, to aid a physically handicapped student, and to help a social misfit.

WORK The maternal nature of the Demeter woman predisposes her to enter the nurturing or helping professions. She is drawn toward 2traditionally feminine3 jo s such as teaching, social work, or nursing. 'elping people to get well or grow is a satisfaction and an underlying motivation when Demeter is present. (omen who ecome psychotherapists, physical therapists, reha ilitation therapists, or pediatricians are often e/pressing some Demeter inclinations in their occupational choice. Many women volunteers at nursery schools and elementary schools, at hospitals and nursing homes, also are putting their Demeter tendencies to work. Some Demeter women ecome key figures in organi:ations, which receive their maternal energy. Typically, the Demeter woman in such a situation is personally impressive. She may have envisioned and founded the organi:ation, thrown her considera le energy into it, and een personally responsi le for its early success. Demeter women in leadership and founding mother positions may seek counseling for several reasons, The organi:ation can take so much effort that it leaves her virtually no time or energy for anything else. "ersonal yearnings for a mate !if 'era is also present# and for a child of her own go unmet. 9onflicts arise within her and etween her and those she supervises ecause she is a person with authority who sees herself and is seen y others as a nurturing figure. 4t is difficult for her to fire or confront an incompetent employee, for e/ample, ecause she feels sorry for the person and guilty for causing pain. Moreover, employees e/pect her to look after them personally !an e/pectation they usually do not have of male supervisors# and are resentful and angry whenever she doesnt. RELATIONSHIPS WITH WOMEN Demeter women are not competitive with other women for either men or achievements. &ny envy or jealousy of other women will concern children. & Demeter woman without children compares herself unfavora ly to women her age who are mothers. 4f she is infertile, she may feel itter at the ease with which others get pregnant. especially if they have a ortions. Dater in life, if her grown children live far away or are emotionally distant, she will envy the mother who has fre0uent contact with her children. &t that stage of life, envy may resurface after twenty)five years, this time over grandchildren. Demeter women have mi/ed feelings a out feminism and the womens movement. Many Demeter women resent feminists for devaluing the role of motherhood< they want to e full)time mothers and now feel pressured to work outside the home. On the other hand, Demeter women strongly support many womens issues< for e/ample, protecting children against a use, and providing shelters for attered women. >sually Demeter women have solid friendships with other Demeter women. Many such friendships date ack to when they were

new mothers together. Many rely more on their women friends than on their hus ands for emotional support, as well as for tangi le help. 5or e/ample, one woman said, 2(hen 4 was in the hospital, my friend Guth took the kids in, and had my hus and Joe over every night for dinnerKfor two weeks, she fed nine kids, her four and my five, and three adultsK. 4d have done the same for her.3 Typically, this woman made arrangements for help rather than e/pect her hus and to take care of the home and children in her a sence. (ithin families, mothers and daughters who are all Demeter women may remain close for generations. These families have a decided matriarchal cast. &nd the women in the family know what is going on in the e/tended family, much more than the hus ands do. This mother)daughter pattern may also e duplicated with peers. She may take the Demeter maternal role with a "ersephone)like friend who is ine/perienced and indecisive. Or, if oth are Demeter women who also share "ersephone 0ualities, they may take turns mothering each other, and at other times can oth e Demeters, sharing details of their lives and talking a out their joys and difficulties. Or, yet again, they may oth e playful, giggling "ersephones. Des ian couples sometimes fit a Demeter)"ersephone pattern, in which a Demeter womans well) eing depends on the intactness of a relationship with a younger or less mature lover. &s long as they are together, the Demeter woman feels productive and fertile. 'er work and her creativity thrive as a result of eing with a woman who is like a goddess to her. She may e possessive of her "ersephone if she fears that she may lose her. &nd she may foster dependence and e/clusiveness, which eventually harms the relationship. 'owever, a "ersephone woman is a young, undifferentiated personality. %verything a out her is unformed and indistinct. She is a receptive, feminine woman whose se/ual preference may e as mallea le as the rest of her. %ven though she may e in a les ian relationship, for e/ample, she may also e attracted to a man. 4f a "ersephone woman leaves her Demeter lover when her heterose/uality emerges in response to a mans attentions, the Demeter woman feels as if the myth itself has een reenacted. >ne/pectedly, her "ersephone has een 2a ducted y 'ades,3 which is a devastating loss. RELATIONSHIPS WITH MEN & Demeter woman attracts men who feel an affinity for maternal women. & true)to)type Demeter woman does not do the choosing. She responds to a mans need for her and may even e with a man ecause she feels sorry for him. Demeter women dont have high e/pectations of men. More often they feel that 2men are just little oys.3 & common type of couple where the woman is Demeter fits the pattern of $reat Mother mated to a son)lover. This archetypal mother)son relationship does not refer to a difference in chronological years, although the man may e younger. >sually he is a talented,

sensitive man who feels unappreciated or misunderstood y others who do not value his specialness !as she does# and who wont overlook his irresponsi ility !as she does#. 'e is an immature, selfa sor ed oy with a sense of specialness, more than he is a man. She agrees with his self)assessment and repeatedly overlooks ehavior toward her that others consider selfish and thoughtless. &s far as she is concerned, the world is unkind to him. 4t should make e/ceptions for him, as she does. 'is thoughtlessness often hurts and angers her. ut if he then tells her how much he appreciates her, or how shes the only person in his life that really cares a out him, all is again forgiven. &s far as she is concerned, the world is unkind to him. 4t should make e/ceptions for him, as she does. 'is thoughtlessness often hurts and angers her. ut if he then tells her how much he appreciates her, or how shes the only person in his life that really cares a out him, all is again forgiven. Dike a mother of a handsome son, who wonders how she could have given irth to such a young god, the Demeter woman playing $reat Mother to his son)lover role may also e in awe of his appearance !or his talent#. She may say, as one Demeter woman said to me, 2'e looked to me like Michelangelos statue of David. 4 was happy taking care of him. 4 spoiled him rotten.3 She said this with pride rather than itterness. & Demeter womans maternal 0ualities and her difficulties in saying no make her vulnera le to eing used y a sociopath, another type of man often found in relationships with Demeter women. The Demeter)sociopath relationship may superficially resem le a $reat Mother)son)lover relationship. and there is some overlap. ut the son)lover has the a ility to love, e loyal, or e remorseful. The sociopath lacks these capacities, which makes a crucial difference. The sociopath acts on the assumption that his needs entitle him to receive. 'e is incapa le of emotional intimacy or appreciation. 'is attitude suggests the 0uestion 2(hat have you done for me latelyLM 'e forgets past generosity or sacrifices on the part of the Demeter woman, as well as his past e/ploitative ehavior. 'e magnifies his needs.and that neediness invites a generous Demeter response. & relationship with a sociopath may tie up a Demeter womans emotional life for years and may drain her financially. &nother typical Demeter mate is the man who wants 2a girl just like the girl who married dear old Dad.3 &s Dittle Oedipus, he may have just een iding his time.he was the little oy of four or five who wanted to marry his Mommy. -ow he is a grown man who seeks a maternal woman who will e a good mother to him. 'e wants her to e nurturing, warm, responsive, and caretaking< to look after his meals, uy and take care of his clothes, make sure he goes to the doctor and dentist when he needs to, and arrange his social life. Of all the men who are attracted to Demeter 0ualities, the 2family man3 is the only one who is himself mature and generous. This man is strongly motivated y his wish to have a family, and he sees in

the Demeter woman a partner who shares the dream. 1esides eing 2a good daddy3 for their children, this type of man also looks out for her. 4f she has trou le saying no to people who would take advantage of her Demeter good nature, he can help her look out for herself. The family man also helps her fulfill herself through earing children. The other three types are threatened y the idea of children and may insist on an a ortion if she gets pregnant. This insistence will put her into a maternal crisis, either reject the man she mothers, or reject motherhood. The choice makes her feel like a mother given the impossi le choice of sacrificing one of two children. SEXUALITY (hen Demeter is the strongest goddess element in a womans personality, her se/uality is usually not very impor) *I8 Demeter, $oddess of $rain, -urturer and Mother tant. Demeter does not usually have a strong se/ual drive. She is often a warm, affectionate, feminine person who would just as soon cuddle as make love.a 2huggy3 woman rather than a se/y woman. Many Demeter women have a puritanical attitude toward se/. 5or them, se/ is for procreation, not for pleasure. Some Demeter women think of se/ as what a wife provides in the conte/t of giving or nurturing. she is providing what her hus and needs. &nd many Demeter women keep a 2guilty3 secret to themselves.for them, the most sensual physical act is reastfeeding their infants, not making love to their hus ands. MARRIAGE 5or a Demeter woman, marriage in itself is not an overriding priority, as it is for a 'era woman. Most Demeter women want to get married mainly in order to have children. >nless she has &phrodite or 'era as active archetypes, the Demeter woman views marriage as a simply necessary step that paves the way for children and the est situation in which to have children. CHILDREN & Demeter woman feels a deep need to e a iological mother. She wants to give irth and nurse her own child. She also may e a loving foster mother, adoptive mother, or stepmother, ut if she cannot also have child of her own, a deep longing will go unmet and she will feel arren. !4n contrast, many &rtemis or &thena women would just as soon inherit a ready)made family, y marrying a man with children.# Demeter women uniformly perceive themselves as good mothers who have the est interests of their children in mind. 5rom the standpoint of their impact on their children, however, Demeter women seem to e either super ly a le mothers or terri le, all)consuming mothers. (hen her adult children resent her, a Demeter woman is deeply wounded and confused. She cannot understand why her children treat her so adly, while other mothers have children who love and appreciate them. She also cannot see that

*I= $oddesses in %verywoman she may have contri uted to her childrens difficulties. She is conscious only of her positive intentions, not of the negative elements that poisoned the relationship with her children. (hether or not a Demeter mother has had a positive effect on her children and is positively regarded y them depends on whether she was like the goddess Demeter 2 efore the a duction3 or 2after the a duction.3 1efore the a duction of "ersephone, Demeter trusted that all was well !as "ersephone played in the meadow# and went a out her activities. &fter the a duction, Demeter was depressed and angry< she left Mt. Olympus and ceased to function. The 2 efore3 phase takes many forms in real life. 5or the woman who faces an empty nest when her last child leaves home and then feels as if her sense of meaning has een 2a ducted,3 the efore phase was the close and caring family life that lasted for some twenty)five years. 5or the woman whose daughter defies her to live with a man the mother considers an a ducting 'ades, the efore phase was when her daughter seemed an e/tension of herself who shared the same values and hopes for the future. Some Demeter mothers always fear that something ad may happen to their child. These mothers may act as if they anticipate the possi ility of 2an a duction3 from the time a child is orn. They conse0uently limit the childs independence and discourage the formation of relationships with others. &t the heart of the an/iety that motivates them to act this way is a feared loss of the childs affection. 9ircumstances may also e responsi le for activating the negative side of Demeter. One woman recalled that for si/ years after her daughter was orn she e/isted as though in a state of grace. The world was safe, motherhood was fulfilling and fun. Then an event occurred that was as distressing and sudden as 'ades emerging from a vent in the earth. One afternoon the mother left her daughter in the care of a sitter. The daughter wandered off to a neigh ors house and was se/ually molested. &fterward, the child ecame fearful and an/ious, had nightmares, and was apprehensive around men.even her father. The mother raged, grieved, and felt guilty ecause she had not een there to prevent the incident. 1efore, she had *I? Demeter, $oddess of $rain, -urturer and Mother een generous, trusting, and somewhat casual in her mothering style. &fterward, she felt guilty and responsi le, unsure of herself, and an/ious that something ad could happen again. She ecame overcontrolling and overprotective. $one was her fun and spontaneity, her sense of living in a safe world, her feeling of self)confidence. & Demeter mother may feel guilty for any event that has an adverse effect on her child. >ntil she has some insight into her unrealistic e/pectations that she should e the perfect mother, she e/pects

herself to e all)knowing and all)powerful, capa le of foreseeing events and protecting her child from all pain. (ith the intention of protecting her child, a Demeter woman may ecome overcontrolling. She hovers over every move, intercedes on the childs ehalf, and takes over when there is any possi ility of harm. 9onse0uently, the child stays dependent on her to deal with people and pro lems. The children of a controlling Demeter mother sometimes stay forever close to her, the psychological um ilical cord still 0uite intact. Dominated y her personality, they remain Mothers little girls or Mamas oys well into adulthood. Some such children may never marry. (hen they do, they often maintain stronger filial onds than conjugal ones. 5or e/ample, a Demeters son may e at his mothers eck and call, to the dismay of his wife, whose wishes always take a ackseat. Or a Demeters daughter may never agree to go on a long vacation with her hus and, ecause she cannot leave her mother for that length of time. 4n an effort to lead their own lives, some children of an overcontrolling Demeter mother may reak away and stay away, creating oth a geographical and an emotional distance etween them. Often they do so when a mother has unconsciously tried to make them feel eholden, guilty, or dependent. &nother negative mother model for Demeter women is the mother who cant say no to her children. She sees herself as the selfless, ountiful, providing mother, who gives and gives. 1eginning when they are young, this Demeter mother wants her children to have whatever they want. 4f its much more e/pensive than she can afford, she either will make sacri) *IC $oddesses in %verywoman fices to get it or will feel guilty. Moreover, she fails to set limits on ehavior. 5rom toddlerhood on, she gives in to her childrens demands, nourishing their selfishness. &s a conse0uence, her children grow up feeling entitled to special consideration and ill)prepared to conform. Their ehavior pro lems arise in school< their conflicts with authority disrupt employment. 4n her attempts to e an allproviding 2good mother,3 such a mother can ecome the opposite. MIDDLE YEARS The midlife period is an important time for Demeter women. 4f a woman has not had a child, she is preoccupied with the awareness that the iological clock is running out on the possi ility of ecoming pregnant. Married Demeter women raise the a y issue with reluctant spouses, and they visit fertility specialists if there are pro lems with conception or miscarriages. &doption may e considered. &nd unmarried women contemplate ecoming single mothers. %ven if a Demeter woman has children, her midlife years are no less crucial, though she may e unaware of their importance in shaping the rest of her life. 'er children are growing, and each step they take toward independence tests her a ility to let go of their dependence on her. She, too, may now feel the pull to have a latelife

a y. One woman came to see me in the middle of a midlife crisis, 'er children were in school and now, at age forty, it was time for her to go ack to school herself if she were to grow eyond Demeter. She discovered that she was afraid that she would fail at graduate school, and that another child was the only e/cuse she herself would accept for not enrolling. She could then separate the desire to have another a y from the fear that she would fail as a student and could focus on e/ploring this concern. &s it turned out, she did go to graduate school, studied a su ject she loved, and now is an inspired teacher. 4n her middle years, a founding mother of an organi:ation may face a crisis when it gets large enough for others to covet her position and power. >nless she also has &thenas strategist mind and can play politics well, am itious managers may 2a duct3 the organi:ation she gave irth to and reared *I+ Demeter, $oddess of $rain, -urturer and Mother through its early years. The loss will plunge her into eing an angry, grieving Demeter. %ven if there are no power struggles or she survives this crisis, personal issues now arise for her.and for all Demeter women who have put their maternal energy into their work. -ow it is time to consider what is missing in her life, and what she might do to fulfill herself. LATER YEARS 4n their later years, Demeter women often fall into two categories. Many find this phase of life very rewarding. They are active, usy women.as they always were.who have learned from life and who are appreciated y others for their down)to)earth wisdom and generosity. They are Demeter women who have learned not to tie people to them or to allow them to take advantage. 4nstead, these woman have fostered independence and mutual respect. 9hildren, grandchildren, clients, students, or patients who span generations may love and respect her. She is like the goddess Demeter at the end of her myth, who gave humankind her gifts and was greatly honored. The opposite fate efalls a Demeter woman who considers herself a victim. The source of her unhappiness usually stems from the disappointments and unfulfilled e/pectations of midlife. -ow, identified with the mourning, etrayed, angry Demeter who sat in her temple and allowed nothing to grow, such a woman does nothing with her later years ut grow older and more itter

PSYCHOLOGICAL DIFFICULTIES
The goddess Demeter was a major presence. (hen she stopped functioning, life ceased to grow and all the Olympians trooped down to plead with her to restore fertility. Fet she could not prevent the a duction of "ersephone or force her immediate return, she was victimi:ed, her pleas were ignored, and she suffered depression. The difficulties faced y Demeter women have similar themes, victimi:ation,

power and control, e/pression of anger, and depression. IDENTIFYING WITH DEMETER & woman who identifies with Demeter acts like a ountiful, maternal goddess with an unlimited capacity to provide. She cant say no if someone needs her attention or help. This Demeter trait makes a woman stay on the phone longer than she wants to with a depressed friend, or agree to e the homeroom mother when shed rather not, or give up her one free afternoon to help someone instead of reserving this time for herself. &nd Demeter is present in the therapist who gives her an/ious client the e/tra hour that was her only reak in the days heavy schedule, whose evenings are invaria ly interrupted y lengthy phone calls, and whose sliding)scale fees are always at the lower end of the scale. This instinct to nurture can eventually deplete a woman in a helping profession and can lead to 2 urnout3 symptoms of fatigue and apathy. (hen a woman instinctively says yes to everyone who needs something from her, she will rapidly find herself overcommitted. She is not an unlimited natural resource, even if other people and the Demeter within her e/pect her to e so. & Demeter woman must confront the goddess time and time again, if she is to take charge of her own life. 4nstead of an instinctive yes, which is Demeters response, she must e a le to choose when and how and to whom she will give. To do so, she must learn to say no. oth to a person who needs something from her and to the goddess within.!mogu da to radim, ali to je moj posao, i meni tre a novac# MATERNAL INSTINCT 4f this archetype has its way, a Demeter woman may also not e a le to say no to getting pregnant. 1ecause maternity is an inner imperative for her, a Demeter woman may unconsciously collude with the Demeter archetype, may 2forget3 when she is fertile, or may 2 e careless3 a out irth control. Thus she may find herself pregnant when circumstances are far from ideal. & Demeter woman must e a le to choose when and with whom she will have a a y. She needs to recogni:e that the Demeter within her has no interest in the realities of her life and no concern for timing. 4f pregnancy is to happen at the right time in her life, she must resist Demeter y eing vigilant a out irth control. 5atigue, headaches, menstrual cramps, ulcer symptoms, high lood pressure, and ack pains are common in Demeter women who have trou le saying no or e/pressing anger when they are overworked and overloaded with too many responsi ilities or children. The message indirectly conveyed through these symptoms is 24 am worn out, pressured, and in pain.dont ask me to do any moreN3 They are also e/pressions of low)grade, chronic depression, which results when a woman cannot protest effectively, represses her anger, and resents a situation of Demeters making.

FOSTERING DEPENDENCY & Demeter womans supera undant capacity for mothering can e flawed y her need for her child to need her and y her an/iety when her child is 2out of her sight.3 She will foster dependency and keep her child 2tied to her apron strings.3 She may also do so in other relationships. 5or e/ample, she may mother 2the dependent child3 as she mothers 2the poor little oy3 in her lover and takes care of 2the an/ious child3 in her friend. Such a woman infantili:es others y her attempts to e indispensa le !2Mother knows est3# or overcontrolling !2Det me do it for you3#. This tendency fosters feelings of insecurity and inade0uacy in the other person. 4n the kitchen, for e/ample, she may encourage her young daughter to learn to cook. 1ut she supervises closely and then always adds the final touches at the end. (hatever the daughter does, the mother gives her message that 24ts not good enough3 and 2Fou need me to do it right.3 4n a work situation, it is the same. She is the supervisor, editor, or mentor that 2knows est3 how the work should e done and thus may take it over, which stifles originality and self)confidence in her 2child3 and increases her own workload. 4f people in her life need her, an an/ious Demeter woman feels secure. 4f they grow in independence and competence, she may e threatened. To stay in her good graces, and to e the recipient of her care and concern, often re0uires staying in a dependent role. (hether a Demeter woman fosters dependency or, on the contrary, creates a sense of security in which the other person can grow and thrive, depends on whether she herself has a sense of ountifulness or scarcity. 4f she is afraid that she will lose the other person or that her 2child3 is 2not good enough,3 she may ecome possessive, controlling, and constricting. This insecurity makes her into a hovering or a smothering mother. One young mother in my practice reali:ed, while her child was still an infant, that she was the type who was going to find it hard to let her daughter grow up. The first struggle came when it was time to introduce a y food. She had een reastfeeding, enjoying the e/clusiveness of the relationship and the dependency of her infant. &s the time came to introduce solids, her hus and looked forward to spoonfeeding their daughter, which would e a major new step in the father)daughter onding. Duckily, the altruistic mother in her knew it was time to start solids and share the child more with her hus and, although the possessive mother in her wanted to resist as long as possi le. 'er wish to do what was est for the child won out. %ven so, she did transiently feel like mourning Demeter, grieving over the loss. "ossessive Demeter women grow as they let go of their need to keep other people dependent and tied to their apron strings. 4n doing this, mutual dependency can get transmuted into mutual appreciation and love. PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR

& Demeter woman who cant say no will get over urdened. She may then ecome depleted and apathetic, or resentful and angry. 4f she feels e/ploited, she typically doesnt e/press it directly, showing the same lack of assertiveness on her own ehalf that had her say yes when she should have said no. 4nstead of e/pressing her anger or insisting that something change, a Demeter woman is likely to discount her feelings as ungenerous and to work harder at getting everything done. (hen she tries to suppress her true feelings and they leak out anyway, she egins to show passive)aggressive ehavior. She then forgets to 2go a little out of her way3 and doesnt shop for the item her ne/t)door neigh or asked her to pick up< she misses the deadline or is late for an important meeting. 4n this way she drops the urdens she was e/pected to carry, unconsciously acts out her hostility with noncompliant ehavior, and indirectly e/presses her resentment and asserts her independence. 4t would e far etter if she could learn to say no in the first place, ecause passive)aggressive ehavior makes her appear incompetent and feel guilty. "urposefulness makes the same action significantly different. To straightforwardly refuse to do what someone else e/pects you to do, and state why, is a clear message< a passive)aggressive action is a muddled message encoded in a hostile act. 4f the other person cares a out your needs, the clear statement is enough. 1acking up the statement with action is often re0uired when the other person is e/ploitive and e/pects to get his or her way at your e/pense. ;eus did not heed Demeter until she 2went on strike.3 >ntil Demeter refused to function as $oddess of $rain, ;eus did not pay any attention to her suffering. (hen her refusal to let anything grow threatened the earth with famine, he ecame concerned ecause there would e no mortals to honor the gods if she persisted. Only then did he heed her, and send 'ermes to ring "ersephone ack from the underworld. Once a Demeter woman ecomes aware of her needs !which she herself suppresses# and of her anger at having those needs discounted y others, she can consider following Demeters e/ample. &n underpaid and overworked essential employee can state her case for a deserved raise and additional help, for e/ample, and not e heard until she makes it clear to her oss that she will not continue as she has een doing. DEPRESSION: EMPTY NEST AND EMPTINESS (hen a Demeter woman loses a relationship in which she has een the maternal figure, she not only loses that relationship and misses the person, ut she also loses her mother role, which gave her a sense of power, importance, and meaning. She is left with an empty nest and a feeling of emptiness. The term 2empty)nest depression3 descri es the reaction of women who have devoted their lives to their children only *H6 $oddesses in %verywoman to have them move away. Demeter women in love relationships that

end may also react thus, as well as a Demeter woman who has 2mothered3 a project for years, only to have it fail or e taken over y others. Such organi:ational difficulties leave her feeling 2ripped off3 and arren. (hen the archetype is at its most e/treme, a depressed Demeter woman ecomes una le to function and needs psychiatric hospitali:ation. She may ecome a personification of the grieving goddess who searched fruitlessly over the earth for "ersephone. Dike Demeter, she may not eat, sleep, or athe. She may pace ack and forth, restlessly moving all the time, wringing her hands and grieving, deep in a severe agitated depression. Or she may sit, like Demeter at %leusis, withdrawn, unmoving, and unresponsive. %verything looks leak and arren to her, the world is devoid of meaning. She feels no green and growing 0uality in her arid life. This reaction is a severe apathetic depression. 4n oth reactions, agitated and apathetic, hostility underlies her depression, she is angry that a source of meaning has een taken away. (hen a grieving Demeter is hospitali:ed, of course, she needs professional help. 1ut had she known that she was so suscepti le to an empty)nest depression, and had she taken four preventive mental health measures, her reaction would have een much less severe. Dearning how to e/press anger instead of ottling it up inside reduces depression. Dearning to say no helps avoid getting depleted and depressed from eing overe/tended and feeling unappreciated and martyred. Dearning to 2let go and let grow,3 spares her the wrenching pain of having children !or her supervisees, staff, or clients# resent her and need to reak away. Developing other goddesses within herself provides her with additional interests esides mothering.

WAYS TO GROW
Demeter women find it easy to recogni:e the maternal pattern they em ody, including the difficulty of saying no. 'owever, theres too often a lind spot when it comes to looking at their negative feelings and negative ehavior toward others. Since these feelings and actions are what most need to *H8 e changed, a Demeter womans growth is thwarted until she can see the whole picture. Demeter women have good intentions.which, coupled with the need to see themselves as good mothers, lock their receptiveness to these insights. Such women are often very defensive. They counter criticism with statements a out their good intent !24 was only trying to help3# or with a list of the many positive and generous actions that they, in fact, do. Just as the Demeter woman has difficulty saying no ecause she identifies with the good and giving mother, so she also resists acknowledging her anger at those she loves. 5or the same reasons, she denies the possi ility that she may e engaging in passive)aggressive ehavior and that she may e overcontrolling or fostering dependency. 'owever, she does know that she is disappointed at not eing

appreciated, and she can admit to feeling depressed. 4f she is willing to e/plore these avenues, then she may gradually allow knowledge of her negative Demeter traits to ecome conscious. &cknowledging them is the iggest o stacle. 9hanging her ehavior is the easier task. BECOMING HER OWN GOOD MOTHER & Demeter woman needs to 2employ3 Demeter on her own ehalf instead of instinctively responding to others as if she herself were Demeter. (hen shes asked to take on another responsi ility, she needs to learn to focus on herself the caretaking concern she so readily feels for others. She can ask herself, 24s this something you really want to do nowL3 and 2Do you have enough time and energyL3 (hen she has een treated adly, she needs to reassure herself that 2Fou deserve etter treatment3 and encourage herself to 2$o tell them3 of her needs. EXPANDING BEYOND DEMETER >nless a Demeter woman consciously makes room in her life for other)than)Demeter relationships, she may stay locked in one pattern, eing 2just Demeter.3 4f she is a married woman with children, will she make the effort to get away with her *H= $oddesses in %verywoman hus and without the childrenL (ill she put time aside for a solitary activity and take the time to jog, meditate, paint, or play a musical instrumentL Or, as is typical of Demeter, will she never find any timeL 4f she is a professional Demeter woman, all her energy may go into her work. She may head a nursery school or a professional program and devote all her time and energy to it, coming home depleted at the end of every day. & professional Demeter needs to resist eing 2just Demeter3 every it as much as does the Demeter woman with five children. 4f she does not e/pand eyond Demeter, she increases the likelihood of an empty)nest depression when she is no longer needed and finds that she is dispensa le after all. RECOVERING FROM DEPRESSION & Demeter woman who ecomes a grieving, depressed Demeter has suffered a significant loss. The loss can e anything of great emotional value to her.a relationship, a role, a jo , an ideal.whatever gave her life meaning that is now gone. &nd, as with each of the goddess mythologies, it is possi le for a woman to get 2stuck3 in any phase or to move through a myth pattern and grow. Some depressed Demeter women never recover< their e/istence remains empty, itter, and arren. 1ut recovery and growth are possi le. The myth itself presents two solutions. 5irst, after she knew that "ersephone had een a ducted, Demeter left Mt. Olympus to wander on earth. &t %leusis, the depressed and grieving goddess was welcomed into a household, where she ecame the nursemaid of Demopho7n. She fed him nectar and am rosia, and would have made him into an immortal had his mother Metanira not interrupted. Thus she coped with her loss y loving and caring for someone else. Gisking another relationship is

one way for a grieving Demeter woman to recover and function again. Second, reunion with "ersephone led to Demeters recovery. The grieving mother was reunited with her eternally maiden daughter and ceased eing depressed, functioned again as grain and fruit goddess, and restored fertility and growth to the earth. Metaphorically, this is what ends a depression, the arche) type of youth returns. 'ow it happens often seems mysterious. 4t follows weeping and rage. Time passes. Then a udding feeling stirs. "erhaps the woman notices what a eautiful lue the sky is. Or she is touched y someones compassion. Or she has an urge to complete a long)a andoned task. %motionally, these are small signs of spring. Shortly after the first signs of returning life, the woman is herself again, once more full of vitality and generosity, reunited with that part of herself that has een missing. More than simple recovery is possi le. The Demeter woman can also emerge from a period of suffering with greater wisdom and spiritual understanding. &s an inner e/perience, the myth of Demeter and "ersephone speaks of a capacity to grow through suffering. & Demeter woman may then, like Demeter herself, come to accept the e/istence of human seasonal changes. She may ac0uire an earth wisdom that mirrors nature. Such a woman learns that she can live through whatever happens, knowing that just as spring follows winter, so changing human e/perience follows certain patterns.