AsaphRangel Per.610/29/13 SelfEthnography Thepurposeofthisselfethnographyistodiscoverandexploremyselfconsciencethroughpast experiencesanddocumentsrelativetomychildhood.ThereasonIamtryingtodothisisbecauseitwill helpmediscoverwhyIamthewayIamtoday,insteadofthinkingandbehavingdifferently.Discovering thispartmyself(myselfconscience)willalsoaidmeinseeinghowmuchIhavechangedinvarious aspectsofmypastself.Ialsobelievethatthepeoplewhoreadmyselfethnographywillbetter understandmycharacteristics,myfunctions,andmywayofthinking.Moreover,itwillbelikeaguideor instructionmanualonhowIthink,whatIlike,andwhatIdislike.ihopetorecover,bytheendofthe selfethnography,memoriesofsignificantexperiencesofwheniwasdevelopingmyidealsandbeliefs, preferablyfromwhenIwasbeginningtospeakbecausethatiswhereIstronglybelievemy selfconsciencebegantoshapeitself.Mostoftheeventsthathappenedduringmychildhoodand currentadolescenceyearshavedisappearedfrommymind,aswellasmanyofthepeopleinvolved,but thereisstillachancetorecoverthem.

AndIdohopethatbytheendoftheselfethnography,thetruth behindthedevelopmentofmyselfconsciencewillbeunraveled.Iwouldliketobeginwiththe importanceofcommunication,especiallyinmyearliestyears. AsfarasIcouldremember,mychildhoodwasfilledwithSpanishwordsspokenbymyfamily, friends,andmyownselfconscience.ThereasonforthiswasbecauseitwasthefirstlanguagethatI learnedduetomyparentslackingtheknowledgetospeakEnglishandonlybeingfluentinSpanish.My parentsstillcontinuetotellmanystoriesofwhenIfirstbegantospeak.Theydescribedmeasabroken recordplayerthatcontinuouslyrepeatedphrasesthatIlearnedweresafeandappropriatetouse.Ialso

rememberthemtellingmethattheonlywaytheywouldmakemestoptalkingwastohandmeadollar asabribe. Although,IbegantoshiftmymainlanguagefromSpanishtoEnglishwhenIgotintothesecond gradebecausetheyhadexpectedmyclassmatesandItobecomfortableandfamiliarwithEnglish.This relatestomyculturebecausemanyofthepeoplethatIknowtodaygrewuplearningSpanishastheir primarylanguage,justlikeme.Thisexperienceofminewasalsosharedbetweenmyolderbrotherand sister,fortheyalsoprimarilyspokeSpanishaschildren,butadoptedEnglishastheirmainformof communication. However,thisisnottosaythatIhaveforgottenhowtospeakthelanguagemyparentstaught mefromwhenmyageconsistedofasingledigit.Onthecontrary,Imustimproveandgainagreater understandingofthelanguagemyparentsgrantedmeinordertocommunicatewiththeminawaythat makesthemfeelmorecomfortableandcordial.ThereareplentyofSpanish(centralandsouthern AmericanSpanish)slangwordsthatmyparentsused,whichinclude(butarenotlimitedto):"sipote," "bicha,""bicho,""carnal,"etc.TheyalsomentionedmanyphrasesthatIsometimesbelievedweremade up.Forexample,"Aquemiras,ojosdeborrego?"or"Quehonda?"Ididnotusethesephrasesonly becauseitdidnotseemrightformetosaythosethingswhenIcouldsayitinamoreunderstandable wayforotherSpanishspeakers.Overall,IwasabletocommunicatewithbothSpanishandEnglish speakers,mainlyforthepurposeoftranslatingformyparentsandadvancementinmyEnglisheducation. ThedreadeddaywhenIwashumiliatedinfrontofmyentiresecondgradeclasswasthesamedaythat Ibegantoquestionmyenglishreadingandspeakingskills. Readingandwritingwereneverfriendsofmine.Theywereacquaintances,butneverfriends. Thisideaalwaysraninmysevenyearoldheadwheneveranassignmentinvolvingabookorablank

sheetofpaperappeared.Thebookswereasbigastomes,thepaperswerealwaysmanymileslong, andtheteacherwasoftenregardedasamaliciousentity.Theclassroomwasarefrigeratorwitha deathlychill,riddledwithoptimistic,cartoonishmotivationsthatwouldprovokethestudents.Thisroom waslitwithdim,bleaklightsthatwouldcausemyclassmatestooccasionallycringewheneverthelights flickeredreadingandwritingonlyaddedmoretoitsalreadyterrifyingimage.Despitethefactthat readingandwritingassignmentsweregivenonlyonceortwiceaweek,thepressureandexpectations mademefeeluneasyaboutthem."Itisn'tthatbad.Myteachermakesmewriteessayseveryweek,"my brotherwouldalwaysboast.Thatphrasewasrepeatedsomanytimesthatevenaparrotwouldget irritated.However,hiswordsfailedtomotivateme. ReadingwasanactionthatgaineditsinfamywhenIembarrassedmyselfbyconstantly mispronouncingwords,bothoutloudandinmymind.WritingbecameanevilobstaclewhenIstayed afterschoolwithmyteacher,forwhatfeltlikehours,toimprovemywritingproficiencyandefficiency. Alloftheireffortswerefornaught,formymindwascaptivatedbytheillusionthatIshouldhatereading andwriting,therefore,notimproving.Although,Ihadaminorspeckofhope,aminusculedotof selfconfidence,analmostinvisiblepieceofstubbornnesstowardstheideaofreadingandwritingnot beingbad.Allofthatwascrushedbytheappearanceofanevaluationtestconcerningreadingand writing.NeverhadItakensuchafrighteningtestasthisoneparticulartestbecauseitwasthefirstone thataskedforanessay.MymindwasindiscordandchaosasIhesitatedtowriteasinglewordinfear ofinevitablyfailingregardlessofwhatIwrote.Classicalmusicflewthroughtheairwiththeintentionof calmingthesoulsoftheyoungchildrenpartakingintheexams.Astheclocktickedawayitsowntime, themusicbegantosoundasthoughitwerepurposelygettingdisorientedtowarnmeofimpending doom.

Afterthetestingtimewasfulfilled,Ifeltrelieved,yetscared.Ispokeaboutitwithmymotherin ordertofeelbetterandbecomemorecheery,butinrealityitworsenedmymood."WhenwillIbeable tostopreadingandwriting?"myvoicequiveredasIaskedmymotheraquestionthatwoulddecidemy fate.Sheansweredwithapassivetone,"Youneverstopreadingandwriting.Evenwhenyougetajob willyoukeepreadingandwriting."Asthosewordsechoedinmymind,IthoughtofalltheyearsthatI mustbattlewithmytwogreatestenemies.Aftercomparingthisonetestwithcountlessothersinthe future,Iwhisperedtomyselfwithcolorlesslips,"Thisisonlythebeginning." MostofthethingsthatIvalueincludemyfamily,myreligion,andmyentertainment,whilesome peoplemightvaluetheirmaterialisticidealsandviewsaboveallothers.Myfamilyaffectsmegreatly throughtheireverydaykindnessanddisputes,especiallywithmybrotherandsister.WheneverIattempt togotothebathroomfirsteachmorning,mybrotheralwaysarrivestherefirst,plushetakestoomuch ofmytimeinthebathroom.MysisterandIarecompletepolaroppositesfromourtasteinmusictoour interestsandpriorities.Thesetediouseverydayoccurrencesneverfailtoaggravateme,however,these eventshelpshapemypersonalityandbehaviorbecauseitallowsmetospeakandacthowIreallyam, incontrasttoifitwereastrangerwhoconstantlyinfuriatedmeonadailybasis.Despitemysiblings actions,Icannothelpbutforgivethem,forthatitiswhatIbelieveisthejustthingtodo.Thisbeliefwas introducedtomethroughmyreligiousfaithinchristianity.MyreligionreallyshapeswhoIambecauseI havegrownwithitthroughoutmyentirelifesofar,andIdonotintendonlosingmyfaithinit.In addition,thetypesofthingsthatifindentertainingaremostlygames(ofanykind),televisionshows,and music.ThesecertainthingstrulyembodywhoIambecausetheyhavebeenfollowingmeeversincemy childhood.However,myinterestinmusicchangeddrasticallyduringthecollegeclassthatItook. Thecool,bonechillingbreezeblewrelentlesslyasIapproachedmydestination,amoderate

sizedbuildingwithfewexteriorflaws.ThemomentIenteredthisbuilding,theatmospherefeltwarm, hospitable,andgentle,unliketheatmosphereoutside.Iimmediatelyidentifiedtwofamiliarpeoplesitting onabenchstationedinthehallway,theywereRosaandJackie.Ifounditstrangethattheywouldalso beattendingacollegeclassthatwasinthesamebuildingasmine,butIquicklydiscardedthatthought byaskingthemwhatclasstheywereenrolledonlytodiscoverthatwewouldbesittingnexttoeach togetherduringlectures.Whenapersonresemblingacredibleprofessorofjazzwalkedintothebuilding andopenedadoortoaspaciousroom,wefollowedherinandtookourseatsonthesectionofthe roomwherewewouldbeabletoclearlyhearthelecturesandhavetheleastchanceofbeingpicked."I hopethisisn'toneofthosedullclasses,"Ithoughttomyself,butwhatIhadyettoknowwasthatit wouldlateropenmyearstooneofthemostbeautifulsoundsevercreatedintheworld,jazz. Atfirst,welistenedtowhatjazzhadcreatedwithacentury'sworthoftime,andthenchanged totherootsofjazzinordertoproveandshowastatementconcerningtheimportanceoftime.Those firstfewweeksweredifficulttoenjoyduetothestrangenessofthisphenomenon.Butafterawhile,the musicbeganlatchingitselfintomyheadthroughthoroughexposureofitscatchytunesandrhythms.I couldstillheartheechoingsoundofLouisArmstrong'sstrongandfirmvoice,aswellashisinexplicable andmesmerizingtrumpetplaying.NotonlyLouisArmstrongbutalsoBillyHoliday,CountBasie,Benny Goodman,andotheramazingcontributorstothejazzmovementinthe1900s.WheneverIwouldlisten tooneoftheirsongswithoutanyheadphones,mysisterwouldquestionthetypeofmusicIlistenedto, whileshegaveherattentiontohiphop,anabominationthatendlesslyspewedfromhercellphone.Asa resultoflisteningtojazz,Ibegantoobtainmoremoraleandoptimismtowardsmyactionsandlifeitself. Icouldhardlyunderstandwhythismusic,nay,thisexuberantandincomprehensiblesoundwasableto changemylifetothisextent.ItmademefeelasifIhadbeenlisteningtonothingbutgibberishmyentire

lifeupuntilthemomentIwasintroducedtojazzinthatfatedcollegeclass.Bytheendofthecourse,my lifebecamelessstressfulduetotherelaxingandrefreshingtunesofthefascinatingjazz.Overall,the introductionofjazzhadaverylargeimpactonmylifeasawhole. Inconclusion,mylifewasfilledwithfew,although,verystrong,lifechangingeventsthathave createdtheselfconscienceIhavetoday.Mycommunicationwasaverycrucialfactorinthe developmentofmyidealsbecauseitshowedmethatwithoutcommunication,itisalmostimpossibleto succeedandsurviveinthisworldduetothedireneedofbeingunderstood.Italsohelpsmeremember thesignificanceofwhensomeone,forthefirsttime,beginstobothspeakandunderstand.However,my communicationdoesnotfullycontributetomypresentselfconscience,forjazzhasalsolargely impactedmylife.Thereasonwhyjazzhasaffectedmegreatlyisbecauseitpresentedmewiththeidea thattryingnewthingsarenotrelativelybad,therecouldbegreaterprosthancons.Nottomentionthat jazzhasalsoopenedmyearstothemostbeautifulsoundevertocomeoutofinstruments.Overall,this selfethnographyexplainsmyselfconsciencewiththemostprecisionthatenglishwordscanprovide.