The Dear Departed

- Stanley Houghton
departed / / precocious / / provincial / / dI'pA;tId prI'kJUSJs prJ'vInSl
AComedy in One Act
Characters
MRS. SLATER sisters
MRS. JORDAN
HENRYSLATER their husbands
BENJORDAN
VICTORTIASLATER a girl of ten
ABELMERRYWEATHER
(The scene is the sitting room of a small house in a lower middle-class district of a
provincial town. On the spectator's left is the window, with the blinds down. Asofa is in front
of it. On his right is a fireplace with an armchair by it. In the middle of the wall facing the
spectator is the door into the passage. To the left of the door a cheap, shabby chest of
drawers, to the right a sideboard. In the middle of the room is a table, with chairs round it.
Ornaments and a cheap American clock are on the mantelpiece, in the hearth a kettle. By the
sideboard a pair of gaudy new carpet slippers. The table is partly laid for tea, and the
necessaries for the meal are on the sideboard, as also are copies of an evening paper and of
}
}
William Stanley Houghton(18811913), was a famous English dramatist. His plays, greatly
influenced by Norwegian dramatist Henerick Ibsen, include The Dear Departed (1908), The
Younger Generation (1910), and his best-known work, Hindle Wakes (1912). He was one of
the best of a group of realistic playwrights often called the Manchester school. In every play he
sought to present an idea. He had a remarkable gift for dialogue that is evident in The Dear
Departed. From1907 to1912 he workedas a critic for the Manchester Guardian.
21
The Dear Departed was first produced in Manchester in 1908. Here Houghton satirizes
the degradation of moral values in the British middle-class. In trying to grab the things
belonging to grandfather the children completely disregard modesty, decency and filial
obligation. The materialistic attitudes of Mrs. Slater and Mrs. Jordan come in for bitter
criticism. This story enacted in a middle-class drawing room is narrated in natural
dialogues.
167
TIT-BITS PEARSON'S WEEKLY.
MRS. SLATER
MRS. SLATER : Victoria, Victoria! D'ye hear? Come in, will you?
(MRS. SLATER
VICTORIA,
MRS. SLATER : I'm amazed at you, Victoria; 1 really am. How you can
gallivanting about in the street with your grandfather lying
dead and cold upstairs, I don't know. Be off now, and change
your dress before your Aunt Elizabeth and your Uncle Ben
come. It wouldnever dofor themtofindyouincolours.
VICTORIA : What are theycomingfor?Theyhaven't beenhere for ages.
MRS. SLATER : They're coming to talk over poor grandpa's affairs. Your father
sent thema telegramas soon as we found he was dead.
Good gracious, that's never them. (MRS. SLATER:
No, thank goodness! It's only
your father.
(HENRY SLATER,
HENRY : Not come yet, eh?
MRS. SLATER : You can see they haven't, can't you? Now, Victoria, be off
upstairs and that quick. Put your white frock on with a black
sash.
(VICTORIA )
MRS. SLATER : ( HENRY): I'm not satisfied, but it's the best we can do till
our new black's ready, and Ben and Elizabeth will never have
thought about mourning yet, so well outshine them there-
(HENRY Get your boots off,
HENRY; Elizabeth's that prying she notices the least speck of
dirt.
HENRY : I'm wondering if they'll come at all. When you an Elizabeth
quarreledshe saidshe'd never set foot inyour house again.
MRS. SLATER : She'll come fast enough after her share of what grandfather's
left. You knowhowhard she can be when she likes. Where she
gets it from I can't tell (MRS. SLATER:
and Turning to the left through the door takes you to the
front door; tothe right, up-stairs. In the passage ahat-standis visible.
When the curtain rises is seen laying the table. She is a vigorous, plump, red-
faced, vulgar woman, prepared to do any amount of straight talking to get her own way. She is
in black, but not in complete mourning. She listens a moment and then goes to the window,
opens it and calls intothe street).
(sharply)
closes windowand puts the blind straight and
then returns to her work at the table. a
precocious girl often, dressedincolours, enters.)
(Anoise
is heard.)
hurries to the door and opens it.)
a stooping, heavy man with a drooping
moustache, enters. He is wearing a black tailcoat, grey
trousers, a black lie and a bowler hat. He carriers a little
paper parcel.)
goes out.
to
sits in the armchair by the fire.)
unwraps the parcel
speotator / / vigorous / / bureau / / spekteItJr 'vIgJrJs 'bjUJrJU
168
HENRY has brought. It contains an apple pie, which she puts
on a dishonthe table.)
(Nearly breaking down.)
(Briskly)
(She has finished laying the table.)
(startled)
(He rises.)
(stupefied)
(She points tothe drawers.)
HENRY : I suppose it's inthe family.
MRS. SLATER : What doyoumeanbythat. HenrySlater?
HENRY : I was referring to your father, not to you. Where are my
slippers?
MRS. SLATER : In the kitchen; but you want a new pair, those old ones, are
nearly worn out. You don't seem to
realize what it's costing me to bear up like I am doing. My
heart's fit to break when I see the little trifles that belonged to
grandfather lying around, and think hell never use them
again. Here! You'd better wear these slippers of
grandfather's now. It's luckyhe'd just got a newpair-
HENRY : They'll be verysmall for me, mydear.
MRS. SLATER : They'll stretch, won't they? Im not going to have them
wasted. Henry, I've been
thinking about that bureau of grandfather's that's in his
bedroom. YouknowI always wantedtohave it after he died.
HENRY : You must arrange with Elizabeth when you're dividing things
up.
MRS. SLATER : Elizabeth's that sharp she'll see I'm after it, and she'll drive a
hard bargain over it. Eh, what it is to have a low money-
grubbingspirit!
HENRY : Perhaps she's got her eye onthe bureauas well.
MRS. SLATER : She's never been here since grandfather bought it. If it was
only down here instead of in his room, she'd never guess it
wasn't our own.
HENRY : Amelia!
MRS. SLATER : Henry, why shouldn't we bring that bureau down here now?
We coulddoit before theycome.
HENRY : I wouldnt care to.
MRS. SLATER : Don't lookso daft. Whynot?
HENRY : It doesn't seemdelicate, somehow.
MRS. SLATER : We could put that shabby old chest of drawers upstairs where
the bureau is now. Elizabeth could have that and welcome.
I've always wantedtoget ridof it.
HENRY : Suppose theycome whenwe're doingit.
MRS. SLATER : I'll fasten the front door. Get your coat off. Henry; we'll
straighten / / 'streItn
169
change it. (MRS. SLATER
HENRY MRSSLATER )
MRS. SLATER : Ill runupandmove the chairs out of the way.
(VICTORIA )
VICTORIA : Will youfastenmyfrockupthe back, mother?
MP.S. SLATER : I'mbusy; get your father todoit.
(MRS. SLATER: HE^RY )
VICTORIA : What have yougot your coat off for, Father?
HENRY : Mother and me is going to bring grandfather's bureau down
here.
VICTORIA : : Are we pinching it before Aunt
Elizabethcomes?
HENRY : No, mychild. Grandpa gave it toyour mother before he died.
VICTORIA : This morning?
HENRY : Yes.
VICTORIA : Ah! He was drunkthis morning.
HENRY : Hush; you mustn't ever say he was drunk, now. (HENRY
MRS. SLATER
MRS. SLATER : I thought I'd fetch this down as well.
Our clock's worth nothing and this always
appealedtome.
VICTORIA : That's grandpas clock.
MRS. SLATER : Chut! Be quit! It's ours now. Come Henry, lift your end.
Victoria, don't breathe a word to your aunt about the clock and
the bureau.
VICTORIA : I thought we'd pinchedthem.
MRS. SLATER : Victoria, if that's your aunt and uncle you're not to open the
door.
(VICTORIA .)
VICTORIA : Mother, It's them.
MRS. SLATER : You're not to open the door till I come down.
Let them knock away.
Mind the wall. Henry. (HENRY and MRS. SLATER,
MRS. SLATER : That was a near thing. Open the door, Victoria. Now, Henry,
get your coat on.
goes out to fasten the front door.
takes his coat off reappears.
appears, dressedaccordingtoher mother s' instructions.
hurries upstairs, and fastens the frock.
(after a moment's thought.)
(shocked)
has
fastened the frock, and appears carrying a
handsome clock under her arm.)
(She puts it on the
mantelpiece.)
(They carry the chest of drawers throughthe doorway.)
(toherself)
(After ashort pause there is asharp knock at the front door.)
(from upstairs)
peeps throughthe window
(Knocking
repeated.) (There is a heavy bumping
noise.)
very hot and flushed, stagger in with a pretty old- fashioned
bureau containing a locked desk. They put it where the chest
of drawers was, and straighten the ornaments, etc. The
knockingis repeated.)
regrettable / / mourning / / rI'gretJbl 'mO;nIN
170
(She helps him.)
(Straightening her
hair at the glass.)
(Throwing him Tit-Bits.)
sits in the armchair and left of table.
They read ostentatiously. ushers in and
The latter is a stout, complacent woman with
an impassive and an irritating air of being always right. She is
wearing a complete and deadly outfit of new mourning
crowned by a great black hat with plumes. is also in
complete new mourning, with black gloves and a band round
his hat. He is rather a jolly little man, accustomed to be
humorous, but at present trying to adapt himself to the
regrettable occasion. He has a bright, chirpy little voice.
sails into the room and solemnly goes straight to
and kisses her. The men shake hands.
Not a word is spoken. furtively
inspects the newmourning.)
(She sniffs back a tear. sits on the left of the
table. on the right. in the armchair.
onthe sofawith near him.)
(chirpily)
(suspiciously)
(Glancingat her sister.)
(Acidly)
HENRY : Did we knockmuchplaster off the wall?
MRS. SLATER : Never mind the plaster. Do I look ail right?
Just watch Elizabeth's face when she sees
we're all in half-mourning. Take this
and sit down. Try and look as if we'd been waiting for them.
(HENRY MRS. SLATER
VICTORIA BEN
MRS. JORDAN.
BEN
MRS.
JORDAN
MRS. SLATER MRS.
JORDAN MRS. SLATER
MRS. JORDAN : Well, Amelia, andhe's gone at last.
MRS. SLATER : Yes, he's gone. He was seventy-twoa fortnight last Sunday.
MRS. JORDAN
MRS. SLATER HENRY
BEN VICTORIA
BEN : Now, Amelia, you mustn't give way. We've all got to die some
time or other. It might have beenworse.
MRS. SLATER : I don't see how.
BEN : It might have beenone of us.
HENRY : It's takenyoua longtime toget here, Elizabeth.
MRS. JORDAN : Oh, I couldn't doit. I reallycouldn't doit.
MRS. SLATER : Couldn't dowhat?
MRS. JORDAN : I couldn't start without gettingthe mourning.
MRS. SLATER : We've ordered ours, you may be sure. I never could
fancybuyingready-made things.
MRS. JORDAN : No? For myself it's such a relief to get into the black. And now
perhaps you'll tell us all about it. What didthe doctor say?
MRS. SLATER : Oh, he's not beennear yet.
MRS. JORDAN : Not beennear?
etiquette / / 'etIket regrettable / / rI'gretJbl mourning / / 'mO;nIN
171
BEN : Didn't yousendfor himat once?
MRS. SLATER : Of course I did. Do you take me for a fool? I sent Henry at once
for Dr. Pringle but he was out.
BEN : You shouldhave gone for another. Eh, Eliza?
MRS. JORDAN : Oh, yes. It's fatal mistake.
MRS. SLATER : Pringle attended him when he was alive and Pringle shall
attendhimwhenhe's dead. That's professional etiquette.
BEN : Well, youknowyour own business best, but-
MRS. JORDAN : Yesit's a fatal mistake.
MRS. SLATER : Don't talk so silly, Elizabeth. What good could a doctor have
done?
MRS. JORDAN : Look at the many cases of persons being restored to life hours
after theywere thought tobe 'gone'.
HENRY : That's when they've been drowned. Your father wasn't
drowned, Elizabeth.
BEN : There wasn't much fear of that. If there was one thing he
couldn't bear it was water.
MRS. JORDAN : BEN!
(BENis crushedat once.)
MRS. SLATER : I'msure he washedregular enough.
MRS. JORDAN : If he did take a drop too much at times, we'll not dwell on that,
now.
MRS. SLATER : Father had been 'merry' this morning. He went out soon after
breakfast topayhis insurance.
BEN : My word, its a goodthinghe did.
MRS. JORDAN : He always was thoughtful in that way. He was too honourable
tohave 'gone' without payinghis premium.
MRS. SLATER : Well, he must have gone round to the 'Rine-o'-Bells'
afterwards, for he came in as merry as a sandboy. I says, 'We're
only waiting Henry to start dinner'. 'Dinner', he says 'I don't
want nodinner. I'mgoingtobed!'
BEN : Ah! Dear, dear.
HENRY : And when I came in 1 found him undressed sure enough and
snug inbed.
MRS. JORDAN : Yes, he'd hada 'warning'. I'msure of that. Didhe knowyou?
HENRY : Yes. He spoke tome.
MRS. JORDAN : Did he sayhe'd hada 'warning'?
HENRY : No. He said, 'Henry, would you mind taking my boots off? I
forgot before I got intobed'.
MRS. JORDAN : He must have beenwandering.
(inthe same breath)
(humorously)
(He laughs, but noelse does.)
(pained)
(piqued)
(shakinghis head)
(He rises andstands onthe hearthrug.)
(definitely)
rhymed / / insurance / / premium / / raImd In'SUJrJns 'pri;miJm
172
HENRY : No, he'd got' emonall right.
MRS. SLATER : And when we'd finished dinner I thought I'd take up a bit of
something on a tray. He was lying there for all the world as if
he was asleep, so I put the tray down on the bureau -
on the chest of drawers - and went to
wakenhim. He was quite cold.
HENRY : ThenI heardAmelia callingfor me, andI ranupstairs.
MRS. SLATER : Of course we coulddonothing.
MRS. JORDAN : He was 'gone'?
HENRY : There wasn't anydoubt.
MRS. JORDAN : I always knewhe'd gosuddeninthe end.
MRS. SLATER : Well, will you go up and
lookat himnow, or shall we have tea?
MRS. JORDAN : What doyousay, Ben?
BEN : I'mnot particular.
MRS. JORDAN : Well, then, if the kettle's ready we may as well have
tea first.
MRS. SLATER
HENRY : One thing we may as well decide now; the announcement in
the papers.
MRS. JORDAN : I was thinkingof that. What wouldyouput?
MRS. SLATER : At the residence of his daughter, 235 Upper Cornbank Street,
etc.
HENRY : You wouldn't care for a bit of poetry?
MRS. JORDAN : I like 'Never Forgotten'. It's refined.
HENRY : Yes, but it's rather soon for that.
BEN : You couldn't verywell have forgot himthe dayafter.
MRS. SLATER : I always fancy, 'Aloving husband, a kind father, and a faithful
friend'.
BEN : Do youthinkthat's right?
HENRY : I don't thinkit matters whether it's right or not.
MRS. JORDAN : No, it's more for the lookof the thing.
HENRY : I saw a verse in the . Proper poetry it
was- it rhymed.
'Despised andforgottenbysome youmaybe
But the spot that contains youis sacredtowe.
MRS. JORDAN : That'll never do. Youdon't say'scaredtowe.
HENRY : It's inthe paper.
MRS. SLATER : You wouldn't say it if you were speaking properly, but it's
different inpoetry.
HENRY : Poetic license, youknow.
(correcting herself)
(Apause.)
(Apause. They -wipe their eyes andsniff back tears.)
(rising briskly at length: in a business-like tone)
(surveying, the table)
puts the kettle onthe fire andgets teaready.)
(doubtfully)
Evening News yesterday
(He gets the paper andreads.)
173
MRS. JORDAN : No, that'll never do. We want a verse that says how much we
loved him and refers to all his good qualities and says what a
heavyloss we've had.
MRS. SLATER : You want a whole poem. That'll cost a goodlot.
MRS. JORDAN : Well, we'll think about it after tea, and then we'll look through
his bits of things and make a list of them. There's all the
furniture inhis room.
HENRY : There's nojewelleryor valuables of that sort.
MRS. JORDAN : Except his goldwatch. He promisedthat toour Jimmy.
MRS. SLATER : Promisedyour Jimmy! I never heardof that.
MRS. JORDAN : Oh, but he did, Amelia, when he was living with us. He was
veryfondof Jimmy.
MRS. SLATER : Well. I don't know!
BEN : Anyhow, there's his insurance money. Have you got the receipt
for the premiumhe paidthis morning?
MRS. SLATER : Ive not seenit.
(VICTORIA,
VICTORIA : Mother, I don't think Grandpa went to pay his insurance this
morning.
MRS. SLATER : He went out.
VICTORIA : Yes, but he didn't go into the town. He met old Mr. Tattersall
down the street, andtheywent off past St. Philip's Church.
MRS. SLATER : To the 'Ring-o'-Bells', I'll be bound.
BEN : The -Ring-o'-Bells'?
MRS. SLATER : That public-house that John Shorrock's widow keeps. He is
always hangingabout there. Oh, is he hasn't paidit -
BEN : Do youthinkhe hasn't paidit?Was it overdue?
MRS. SLATER : I shouldthinkit was overdue.
MRS. JORDAN : Something tells me he's not paid it. I've a 'warning', I know it;
he's not paidit.
BEN : The drunkenoldbeggar.
MRS. JORDAN : He's done it onpurpose, Just toannoyus.
MRS. SLATER : After all I've done for him, having to put up with him in the
house these three years. It's nothingshort of swindling.
MRS. JORDAN : I hadtoput upwithhimfor five years.
MRS. SLATER : And youwere tryingtoturnhimover tous all the time.
HENRY : But we don't knowfor certainthat he's not paidthe premium.
MRS. JORDAN : I do. It's come over me all at once that he hasn't. ,
MRS. SLATER : Victoria, run upstairs and fetch that bunch of keys that's on your
grandpa's dressing table.
VICTORIA : In Grandpa's room?
MRS. SLATER : Yes.
(Amazed.)
jumps upfromthe sofaandcomes behindthe table.)
(timidly)
receipt / / rI'si;t premium / / 'pri;miJm
174
VICTORIA : II dont like to.
MRS. SLATER : Don't talk so silly. There's no one can hurt you. (VICTORIA
We'll see if he's locked the receipt up in
the bureau,
BEN : In where? Inthis thing?
MRS. JORDAN : Where did you pick that up, Amelia It's new since last I was
here.
MRS. SLATER : OhHenry pickedit upone day.
MRS. JORDAN : I like it. It's artistic. Didyoubuyit at anauction?
HENRY : Eh! Where didI buyit, Amelia?
MRS. SLATER : Yes, at anauction.
BEN : Oh, second-hand.
MRS. JORDAN : Don't showyour ignorance, Ben. All artistic things are second-
hand. Lookat those oldmasters.
(VICTORIA
VICTORIA : Mother! Mother!
MRS. SLATER : What is it, child?
VICTORIA : Grandpa's gettingup.
BEN : What?
MRS. SLATER : What doyousay?
VICTORIA : Grandpa's gettingup.
MRS. JORDAN : The child's crazy.
MRS. SLATER : Don't talkso silly. Don't youknowyour grandpa's dead?
VICTORIA : No, no; he's gettingup. I sawhim.
BEN MRS.
JORDAN VICTORIA MRS. SLATER,
HENRY
MRS. JORDAN : You'd better goupandsee for yourself, Amelia.
MRS. SLATER : Here come withme, Henry.
BEN : Hist! Listen.
Grandfather ABEL MERRYWEATHER
ABEL : What's the matter with little Vicky? (He BEN MRS.
JORDAN.; Hello! What brings youhere? How's yourself, Ben?
(ABEL BEN,
goes out reluctantly.)
(He rises andexamines it.)
(also rising)
(They examine it closely.)
(disparagingly)
returns, very scared. She closes the door after
her.)
(They are transfixed with amazement: and
left of clings to right of
table; near fireplace.)
(HENRYdraws back terrified)
(suddenly)
(They look at the door. A slight chuckling is heard outside. The
door opens, revealing an old man clad in a faded but gay dress
inggown. He is in his stockinged feet. Although over seventy
he is vigorous and well coloured; his bright, malicious eyes
twinkle under his heavy, reddish-grey eyebrows. He is
obviously either or
else his ghost.)
sees and
thrusts his hand at who skips back smartly and
disconcerted / / prompting / / %dIskJn's3;t 'prQmptIN
175
retreats with to a safe distance below the
sofa.)
(approaching gingerly) (She pokes himwith
her handtosee if he is solid.)
(tothe others)
(irritated by the whispering)
(tryingtocatchthe words.)
crosses to the armchair and gets out of his way
tothe front of the table.)
(confused)
(Observing trying to remove the
slippers.)
(promptly)
snatches the slippers from and gives
them. to whoputs themonandsits inarmchair)
(toBEN)
goes up to the window and pulls up the blind
runs across to and sits on the floor at his
feet.)
(ina vindictive whisper)
(Loudly)
to
(to
MRS. JORDAN
MRS. SLATER ABEL : Grandfather, is that you?
ABEL : Of course it's me. Don't do that, Melia. What the devil do you
meanbythis tomfoolery?
MRS. SLATER : He's not dead.
BEN : Doesn't seemlike it.
ABEL : You've kept away long enough, Lizzie; and now you've
come youdon't seemover-pleasedtosee me.
MRS. JORDAN : You tookus bysurprise, father. Are youkeepingquite well?
ABEL Eh?What?
MRS. JORDAN : Arc youquite well?
ABEL : Aye, I'm right enough but for a bit of a headache. T wouldn't
mind betting that I'm not the first in this house to be carried to
the cemetery. I always think Henry there looks none too
healthy.
MRS. JORDAN : Well, I never!
(ABEL HENRY
ABEL : 'Melia, what the dickens did1dowithmynewslippers?
MRS. SLATER : Aren't theybythe hearth, grandfather?
ABEL : I don't see them. HENRY
Why, you've got 'emon. Henry.
MRS. SLATER : I told himto put themon to stretch them; they were that newand
hard. Now, Henry.
(MRS. SLATER HENRY
ABEL,
MRS. JORDAN : Well, I don't call that delicate, stepping into a dead man's shoes
insuchhaste.
(HENRY
VICTORIA ABEL
VICTORIA : Oh, Grandpa, I'mso gladyou're not dead.
MRS. SLATER : Holdyour tongue, Victoria.
ABEL : Eh?What's that?Whos gone dead?
MRS. SLATER : Victoria says she's sorry about your head.
ABEL : Ah, thankyou, Vicky, but I'mfeelingbetter.
MRS. SLATER( MRS. JORDAN) : He's so fondof Victoria.
MRS. JORDAN MRS. SLATER): Yes; he's fondof our Jimmy, too.
MRS. SLATER : You'd better askhimif he promisedyour Jimmyhis goldwatch.
damn / / d&m
176
MRS. JORDAN : I couldn't just now. I don't feel equal toit.
ABEL : Why, Ben, you're in mourning! And Lizzie too. And 'Melia,
and Henry and little Vicky! Who's gone dead? It's someone in
the family.
MRS. SLATER : No one youknow, father. Arelationof Ben's.
ABEL : And what relationof Ben's?
MRS. SLATER : His brother.
BEN( MRS. SLATER) : Hangit, 1never hadone.
ABEL : Dear, dear. And what was his name, Ben?
BEN : Er - er.
MRS. SLATER R. : Frederick.
MRS. JORDAN L. : Albert.
BEN : ErFedAlbIssac.
ABEL : Issac?And where didyour brother Isaac die?
BEN : In er inAustralia.
ABEL : Dear, dear. He'd be older thanyoueh?
BEN : Yes, five years.
ABEL : Aye, aye. Are yougoingtothe funeral?
BEN : Oh, yes.
MRS. SLATERandMRS. JORDAN: No, no.
BEN : No, of course not.
(He retires toL.)
ABEL : Well, I suppose you've only been waiting for me to begin tea.
I'mfeelinghungry.
MRS. SLATER : I'll make tea.
ABEL : Come along, now; sit youdown andlet's be jolly.
(ABEL BEN
MRS. JORDAN VICTORIA
ABEL. MRS. SLATER HENRY
ABEL.)
MRS. SLATER : Henry, give grandpa some pie.
ABEL : Thankyou. Ill make a start.
(HENRY MRS. SLATER
ABEL
BEN : Glad to see you've got an appetite, Mr. Merryweather,
althoughyou've not beenso well.
ABEL : Nothingserious. I've beenlyingdown for a bit.
MRS. SLATER : Beentosleep, grandfather?
(disconcerted)
(He chuckles.)
to
(at a loss) (He crosses tofront of table.)
( of table, prompting)
( of table, prompting)
(rising)
(takingup the kettle)
sits at the head of the fable, facing spectators.
and on the left. brings a chair
and sits by and sit on the
right. Boththe womenare next to
(He helps himself to bread and
butter.)
serves the pie and pours out tea.
Only eats withany heartiness.)
pleasure / / comfortable / / 'pleZJ 'kVmftJbl
177
ABEL : No, I've not beentosleep.
MRS. SLATERandHENRY: Oh!
ABEL : I can't exactly call everything to mind, but I remember I was a
bit dazed, like- I couldn't move aninch, handor foot.
BEN : And couldyousee andhear, Mr. Merryweather?
ABEL : Yes, but I don't remember seeing anything particular. Mustard,
Ben.
BEN
MRS. SLATER : Of course not, grandfather. It was all your fancy. You must
have beenasleep.
ABEL : I tell youI wasn't asleep, 'Melia. Damnit, I ought toknow,
MRS. JORDAN : Didn't yousee HenryorAmelia come intothe room?
ABEL : Nowlet me think
MRS. SLATER : I wouldnt press himElizabeth. Dont press him.
HENRY : I wouldnt worry him.
ABEL : Ay, begad! 'Melia and Henry, what the devil did you mean by
shifting my bureau out of my bedroom? (HENRY MRS.
SLATER D' youhear me? Henry! 'Melia!
MRS. JORDAN : What bureauwas that. Father?
ABEL : Why, mybureauthe one I bought
MRS. JORDAN : Was it that one. Father?
ABEL : Ah, that's it. What's it doing here? Eh?
Drat me if that isn't my clock too. What the devils been going
on inthis house?
BEN : Well, I'll be hanged.
MRS. JORDAN : I'll tell you what's been going on in this house. Father. Nothing
short of robbery.
MRS. SLATER : Be quiet, Elizabeth.
MRS. JORDAN : I'll not be quiet. Oh, I call it doublefaced.
HENRY : Nownow, Elizabeth.
MRS. JORDAN : And you, too. Are you such a poor creature that you must do
everydirtythingshe tells you?
MRS. SLATER : Remember where youare, Elizabeth.
HENRY : Come, come. No quarrelling.
BEN : My wife's everyright tospeakher own mind.
MRS. SLATER : Thenshe canspeakit outside, not here.
ABEL : Damnit all, will some one tell me what's beengoingon?
MRS. JORDAN : Yes, 1 will. I'll not see yourobbed.
ABEL : Who's beenrobbingme?
MRS. JORDAN : Amelia and Henry. They've stolen your clock and bureau.
They sneaked into your roomlike a thief
(eatingand drinking)
( passes the mustard.)
(snappishly)
(scratching-his head)
(suddenly recollecting)
and
are speechless).
(pointingtothe bureau)
(A pause. The clock on
the mantelpiece strikes six. Everyone looks at it.)
(Aslight pause.)
(rising)
(rising)
(rising)
(rising)
(rising: thumpingthe table)
(Working herself up.)
178
inthe night andstole themafter youwere dead.
HENRYandMRS. SLATER: Hush! Quiet, Elizabeth!
MRS. JORDAN : Ill not be stopped. After youwere dead, I say.
ABEL : After who was dead?
MRS. JORDAN : You.
ABEL : But I'mnot dead.
MRS. JORDAN : No, but theythought youwere.
( ABEL )
ABET : Oho! So that's why you're all in black today. You thought I was
dead. That was a big mistake.
MRS. SLATER : Grandfather.
ABEL : It didn't take youlongtostart dividingmythings betweenyou.
MRS. JORDAN : No, father; you mustn't think that. Amelia was simply getting
holdof themonher own account.
ABEL : You always were a keen one, Amelia. I suppose you thought the
will wasn't fair.
HENRY : Did youmake a will?
ABEL : Yes, it was lockedupinthe bureau.
MRS. JORDAN : And what was init, father?
ABEL : That doesn't matter now. I'm thinking of destroying it and
makinganother.
MRS. SLATER : Grandfather, you'll not be hardonme.
ABEL : I'll trouble you for another cup of tea, 'Melia; two lumps and
plentyof milk.
MRS. SLATER : Withpleasure. Grandfather.
ABEL : I don't want to be hard on anyone. IT1 tell you what I'mgoing to
do. Since your mother died, I've lived part of the time with you,
'Melia, and part with you, Lizzie. Well, I shall make a newwill,
leaving all my bits of things to whomever I'mliving with when
I die. Howdoes that strike you?
HENRY : Its a bit of a lottery, like.
MRS. JORDAN : And who doyouintendtolive withfromnow?
ABEL : I'mjust comingtothat.
MRS. JORDAN : You know, father, it's quite time you came to live with us again.
We'd make youverycomfortable.
MRS. SLATER : No, he's not beenwithus as longas he was withyou.
MRS. JORDAN : I may be wrong, but I don't think father will fancy living on
withyouafter what's happenedtoday.
ABEL : So you'd like tohave me again, Lizzie?
MRS. JORDAN : You knowwe're ready for you to make your home with us for as
longyouplease.
Apause. gazes roundat them.
(He chuckles.) (He sits and
resumes his tea.)
(sobbing)
(sobbing)
(She pours out the tea.)
(drinkinghis tea)
179
ABEL : What doyousaytothat, 'Melia?
MRS. SLATER : All I can say is that Elizabeth's changed her mind in the last two
years. Grandfather, do you know what the quarrel
betweenus was about?
MRS. JORDAN : Amelia, don't be a fool; sit down.
MRS. SLATER : No, if I'm not to have him, you shan't either. We quarrelled
because Elizabeth said she wouldn't take you off our hands at
any price. She said she'd enough of you to last a lifetime, and
we'd got tokeepyou.
ABEL : It seems to me that neither of you has any cause to feel proud
about the wayyou've treatedme.
MRS. SLATER : If I've done anythingwrong. I'msure I'msorry for it.
MRS. JORDAN : And I can't saymore thanthat, too.
ABEL : It's a bit late to say it, now. You neither of you cared to put up
withme.
MRS. SLATERandMRS. JORDAN: No, nograndfather.
ABEL : Aye, you both say that because of what I've told you about
leaving my money. Well, since you don't want me I'll go to
someone that does.
BEN : Come Mr. Merryweather, you've got to live with one of your
daughters.
ABEL : I'll tell you what I've got to do. On Monday next Eve got to do
three things. Eve got to go to the lawyer's and alter my will; and
I've got to go to the insurance office and pay my premium; and
Eve got togotoSt. Philip's Churchandget married.
BENandHENRY : What!
MRS. JORDAN : Get married!
MRS. SLATER : He's out of his senses.
ABEL : I say I'mgoingtoget married.
MRS. SLATER : Whoto?
ABEL : To Mrs. John Shorrocks who keeps the 'Ring-o' -Bells. We've
had it fixed up a good while now, but I was keeping it for a
pleasant surprise. I felt I was a bit of a burden to you,
so I found someone who'd think it a pleasure to look after me.
We shall be very glad to see you at the ceremony.
Till Monday, then. Twelve o' clockat St. Philip's Church.
(Opening the door.) Its a good thing you brought that bureau
downstairs, 'Melia. It'll be handier to carry across to the 'Ring-o'
-Bells onMonday.
(Rising).
(General consternation.)
(He rises.)
(He gets to the
door.)
(He goes out.)
THE CURTAIN FALLS
Glossary
180
blinds - something, such as a window shade or a Venetian blind, that hinders
visionor shuts out light.
shabby - showing signs of wear andtear; threadbare or worn-out
mantelpiece - a shelf projectingfromthe wall over the fireplace.
hearth - fireplace
sideboard - a piece of dining roomfurniture having drawers and shelves for linen and
tableware
tit-bits - A British weekly magazine founded by George Newnes in 1881, which
was in mass circulation in England. On an average it sold 500,000 a week.
Fmous authors such as H. Rider Hagard and Isaac Asimov wrote for this
weekly.
Pearson's Weekly- ABritish weekly magazine founded by Sir Cyril Pearson (1866-1921) in
1890. Sir pearson founded the first English newspaper, the Daily
Express.
straight talk - frankandmatter of fact talkwithout fineness of feeling
precocious - a person whose mental attitude is highlydeveloped
gallivant - go about seekingpleasure
it wouldnever do- it would not seemproper
dressedincolours- wearinggaydress. Duringmourningone is supposed todress inblack.
for ages - for a verylongtime
tail coat - Aman's black coat worn for formal daytime occasions and having a long
roundedandsplit tail
newblackis ready- till a newdress of mourningis ready
outshine - outdo
prying - impertinentlycurious
speck - a small amount of something
after - searchingfor
I can't tell - I do not know
breakdown - tohave a physical or mental collapse
bureau - a writingdesk withdrawers
drive a hard bargain-to argue in an aggressive manner and force somebody to agree on the
best possible arrangement.
stupefied - astonished
daft stupid
get ridof - be free from
pinching - stealing
breathe a word - speakanythingabout
flushed - reddenedon the face because of embarrassment
stagger - move unsteadily
a near thing - a situation in which you are successful, but which could also have ended
badly.
181
182
ostentatiously - showily
usher in - toleador conduct
impassive - without anyfeelings
deadly - veryaccurate
sail (intothe room)-move veryeffortlessly, like a shipinwater
furtively - secretly
at last - finally
acidly - ina badmood
fatal mistake - a serious error
piqued - feel indignation
at times - occasionally
as merry as a sandbag- extremely happy. It is a proverbial saying suggesting a carefree and
untroubledstate of mind. Technically'sandbag' is a kindof flea.
snug - comfortable
he was quite cold- he hadpassed away, that is died.
sacredtowe - sacredtous
poetic license - freedomtochange facts or normal rules of language.
ring-O'- bells - the name of a restaurant
public-house - a pub; a place, such as a tavern or bar, that is licensed to sell alcoholic
beverages
hangabout - staynear a place without doingmuchwork
swindling - cheatingsomebodyof propertyor money
scared - frightened
crazy - a person who is or appears insane
transfixed - renderedmotionless, as withterror, amazement, or awe
chuckling - a quiet laughof mildamusement or satisfaction
malicious - deliberatelyharmful; spiteful
skipback - move lightlyback
gingerly - withgreat care or delicacy; cautiously
poke - a push, thrust, or jab
tomfoolery - foolishbehavior; somethingtrivial or foolish; nonsense
over-pleased - veryhappy
the dickens - informal way of saying that you are annoyed or surprised. It should not be
confused with the name of the novelist Charles. This phrase is always
used inquestionsentences. press; force
What the devil - Old Fashioned way of showing annoyance or displeasure. This phrase is
always used inquestions.
drat - Old fashionedfor 'what'. It is usedtoshowthat youare annoyed.
goingon - happening
double-faced - hypocritical
Exercises
WordPower
1. Findthe words inthe play that mean:
2. Make sentences using the followingphrases
3. Frame sentences to differentiate the meanings of the followingpairs of words:
1. Arrange the following sentences in sequence so that a continuous narrative of
the story of The Dear Departed could be made. Begin your story with the first
statement as the first sentence:
Comprehension
a. windowshades
b. go about seekingpleasure
c. tinyparticle
d. steal
e. without anysign of feeling
f. move without attractingattention
g. push sharplywitha stickor somethingpointed
h. unforgiving
i. withhurt pride
j. a senseless behaviour
a. tolaytable
b. tousher in
c. tobreathe a word to
d. tosail intothe room
e. hangabout
f. put up with
g. feel equal to
h. work oneself up
i. a near thing
j. stagger in
k. have aneye on
l. off (somebody's) hands
m. out of (one's) senses
a. straight strait
b. saft deft
c. droop drop
d. dreath breadth
e. adapt adept
f. worse verse
g. pique pick
h. mourning morning
1. Abel Merryweather had two daughtersAmelia and Elizabeth (lovingly called by him
Melia' and'Lizzy.')
183
2. The Slaters hada daughter namedVictoria.
3. Theydiscussed the advertisement, whichshouldbe put upinthe newspapers.
4. Mrs. Slater and her husband waited for the arrival of Mrs. Jordan and her husband
so that preparations for cremationcouldbe made.
5. Abel Merryweather said that in his new will he would make the provision that his
belongings and property would go to the person with whom he lived at the time of
his death.
6. Victoria was sent toAbel Merryweather's roomto bring the key bunch of the bureau
inwhichAbel Merryweather might have put the insurance premiumreceipt.
7. Abel Merryweather informed that he was going to marry Mrs. John Shorocks, a
widow.
8. Abel Merryweather saidthat he was goingtochange his will.
9. One dayMrs. Slater felt that Abel Merryweather haddied.
10. Suddenly Victoria came into the room telling that grandfather (Abel
Merryweather) was moving.
11. Before the arrival of the Jordans, the Slaters had pinched grandfather's bureau and
wall clock.
12. Mrs. Slater sent a telegramtoher sister about the deathofAbel Merryweather.
13. Amelia after marriage had become Mrs. Slater while Elizabeth was called Mrs.
Jordan.
14. At the time of the story he livedwithAmelia.
15. Bothof the daughters were married.
16. He sisters (Mrs. Slater and Mrs. Jordon) wanted to ascertain if Abel Merryweather
haddepositedhis insurance premium.
1. Write a character sketchof Mrs. Slater highlightingthe followingpoints:
a. her greed;
b. her overpoweringnature;
c. her straight talk;
d. her impoliteness; and
e. her lackof the sense of feelings
2. In the play the two daughters do not seemto be concerned at their father's death. Do
you thinkit is proper? If not, why?
3. Howare the two sisters exposedinthe playThe Dear Departed?
4. Narrate the story of The Dear Departed from the point of view of Abel
Merryweather.
5. Justify the title of the play, The Dear Departed.
2. Answerthe followingquestions inabout 150words:
184