Basics for verbal communications

!Active Listening
!Asking questions
Basic elements of verbal communications
!The basic elements of good verbal
communications are listening to others
and asking questions
!There are two basic types of questions:
Open and Closed:
" " Closed questions are those that can be Closed questions are those that can be
answered by either answered by either yes yes or or no no or with a or with a
specific bit of data. specific bit of data.
" " Open Open questions, however, encourage people to questions, however, encourage people to
talk. talk.
Active Listening
To improve listening skills, there are three
elements of active listening:
!Non-verbal messages
!Cues or invitations
!Clarification of what has been said
Listening for answers
What are inhibitors to good listening?
!We let our attention wander
!We miss the real point
!We let our emotions interfere
!We step on the statements of the person
who is talking to us.
!We think ahead, and miss whats being said
Active listening
! Minimize distractions
! Reduce physical barriers
! Avoid or limit interruptions
! Detect the central idea
! Control your emotions
! Evaluate the message
! Be aware of your physical position and nonverbal behavior
! Allow silence
! Ask probing questions for clarity & shared understanding
! Acknowledge and respond: paraphrase, check perceptions,
summarize
Paraphrase for understanding
Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood *
! Often we are either speaking or preparing to speak with the clear intent
to reply.
! Try listening with the intent to paraphrase what is being said by the
other person.
! To improve your understanding and to promote true consensus,
paraphrase (this is more than an echo) what was said by the speaker
until the speaker agrees with your paraphrase.
! Then, thoughtfully prepare and deliver your response, indicating you
understand what the speaker said by reframing key points. For
example, Let me be sure I understand correctly. Youre saying
* Covey, Stephen R., The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, (1989), Simon & Schuster, Habits 4 and 5.
Helpful Phrases for work
! I care
! Help me understand
! How are things with you?
! Lets define the problem
! This is what I heard you say. Correct me if I have mis-
heard
! Let me paraphrase to ensure Ive understood
! Can I do anything to help?
! What would you do?
! Thank you
! (Silence, with concern)
! Others you would add?
Least Helpful Phrases for work
! You shouldnt feel that way
! Why did you do/say that?
! Thats not important
! I know exactly how you feel.
! I know what you are going to say
! How come youre not as good as . . . ?
! Do you want to know what I think? Heres what you should
do.
! I told you so.
! Phrases that contain: always, never, all the time, everyone,
etc.
! (Silence without concern . . . indifference
Most common poor listening habits
!Attention span of a gnat
!Pseudo listening
!Listening but not hearing
!Rehearsing
!Interrupting
!Hearing what is expected
!Feeling defensive
!Listening for a point of disagreement
Listening as an ally
!Pay attention - actively work at listening
!Listen for the whole message before evaluating
!Bracket - set aside your own advocacy
!Perception check: what the speaker thinks
!Paraphrase what was heard
!Judge content, not delivery
!Open-ended questions - probe
!Body language
Source: 25 Activities for Teams, Pfeiffer & Company & others Source: 25 Activities for Teams, Pfeiffer & Company & others
Questions and Probing Skills
Questions are used
to:
" Get information
" Focus conversation
" Solicit opinions
" Gain consensus
Probing skills:
Get others involved
Get important
information out for
everyone
Forces listening skills
Improves
communications on
both sides
Appreciative Inquiry:
An approach to asking good An approach to asking good
questions questions
What is Appreciative Inquiry (AI)?
! !Appreciative Inquiry is the study and Appreciative Inquiry is the study and
exploration of what gives life to exploration of what gives life to
human systems when they function at human systems when they function at
their best. their best.
! !This approach to personal change This approach to personal change
and organization change is based on and organization change is based on
the assumption that questions and the assumption that questions and
dialogue about strengths, successes, dialogue about strengths, successes,
values, hopes, and dreams are values, hopes, and dreams are
themselves transformational themselves transformational. .
(from (from The Power of Appreciative Inquiry by The Power of Appreciative Inquiry by
Diana Whitney and Amanda Trosten-Bloom Diana Whitney and Amanda Trosten-Bloom) )
The Essence of AI:
Appreciative Inquiry 4-D
Discovery
What gives life?
(The best of what is)
Appreciating
Destiny
How to empower, learn,
and improvise?
Sustaining
Design
What should be
the ideal?
Co-constructing
Dream
What might be?
(What is the world
calling for)
Envisioning Results
The Five Phases of the
Appreciative Process
1: 1: Define: Define: Awareness of the need for development. Awareness of the need for development.
Preparing for an appreciative process. Preparing for an appreciative process. Committing to the Positive Committing to the Positive
2: 2: Discover: Discover: Interview process and gathering experience Interview process and gathering experience
Valuing the Best of What Is Valuing the Best of What Is
3: 3: Dream: Dream: What would your organization look like in 5 years time? What would your organization look like in 5 years time?
Developing common images of the future. Developing common images of the future. Visioning the Ideal Visioning the Ideal
4: 4: Design: Design: Aligning ideals, values, structures and mission Aligning ideals, values, structures and mission
Developing achievable plans and steps to make the vision a reality. Developing achievable plans and steps to make the vision a reality.
Dialoguing What Should Be Dialoguing What Should Be
5: 5: Deliver: Deliver: Co-creating a sustainable, preferred future. Co-creating a sustainable, preferred future.
Who, What, When, Where, How? Who, What, When, Where, How? Innovating What Will Be. Innovating What Will Be.
The 8 Assumptions of AI
#$ #$In every society, organization, In every society, organization,
or group, something works. or group, something works.
%$ %$What we focus on becomes our What we focus on becomes our
reality. reality.
&$ &$Reality is created in the Reality is created in the
moment, and there are multiple moment, and there are multiple
realities. realities.
The 8 Assumptions of AI
'$ '$The act of asking questions of an The act of asking questions of an
organization or group influences the organization or group influences the
group in some way. group in some way.
($ ($People have more confidence and People have more confidence and
comfort to journey to the future (the comfort to journey to the future (the
unknown) when they carry forward parts unknown) when they carry forward parts
of the past (the known). of the past (the known).
The 8 Assumptions of AI
)$ )$If we carry parts of the past forward, they If we carry parts of the past forward, they
should be what is best about the past. should be what is best about the past.
*$ *$It is important to value differences. It is important to value differences.
+$ +$The language we use creates our reality. The language we use creates our reality.
(from (from The Thin Book of Appreciative Inquiry The Thin Book of Appreciative Inquiry
By Sue Annis Hammond) By Sue Annis Hammond)
! !State in the affirmative State in the affirmative
! !Invite participants to use story-telling and Invite participants to use story-telling and
narratives narratives
! !Phrase in Phrase in rapport talk rapport talk and not in and not in report talk report talk
! !Allow ambiguity because it allows room to Allow ambiguity because it allows room to swim swim
around around
! !Value what is Value what is locate experiences worth valuing locate experiences worth valuing
! !Convey unconditional positive regard Convey unconditional positive regard
! !Evoke essential values, aspirations and Evoke essential values, aspirations and
inspirations inspirations
Guidelines for Good Questions
Art of the Positive Question
! ! Describe a peak experience or high point Describe a peak experience or high point
in your organization in your organization
! ! Identify a time in your experience when Identify a time in your experience when
you felt most effective and engaged you felt most effective and engaged
! !Setting the stage Setting the stage for the questions is for the questions is
essential to inspiring positive change! essential to inspiring positive change!
Review - Fundamentals of AI
! !Be strategic in what we study Be strategic in what we study
! !Frame questions that use Frame questions that use positive positive
language language
! !Choose words that will lead to a positive Choose words that will lead to a positive
outcome outcome
! !Use descriptive imagery Use descriptive imagery tell stories tell stories
! !Be positive, engaging Be positive, engaging no need to be the no need to be the
neutral observer neutral observer
Communication tools
of the leadership trade
! !E-mail E-mail
! !Meetings Meetings
! !Face to face communication Face to face communication
Familiar?
Email: sine quo non
!Craft your subject line
!Limit your recipients; careful with reply all
!Dont shout by writing in all CAPS
!Keep it short
!Quote back but not interspersed responses
!Plain text vs html
!Dont FUQ (formulate unanswerable questions)
!Limit attachments new approaches
!Ask Permission
!Chill out!
!Add a good signature
!Other tips and good counsel?
Meeting Management
!How effective are your meetings?
!How expensive are your meetings?
!Do you consider meetings part of your
work or an activity that keeps you from
your work?
!Do you convene and lead meetings?
!What do meeting participants know going
into the meeting & what do they know at
the conclusion of the meeting?
The importance of meetings
!The most compelling reasons for meeting are to:
!inform everyone of potential actions,
!develop an understanding of issues and
consequences, and
!reach agreement for taking the actions
!How can leaders avoid YAGDM?
Types of Meetings
!Sharing information and monitoring
!Decision making and problem solving
!Creative / idea generating
!Planning
!Presentations
!Social and ceremonial
!Commitment building
!Status Delivery
!Administrative / policy
!Advisory
Roles in meetings
!Convener / chair / owner
!Sets the agenda
!Defines desired outcomes
!Participates, summarizes, and closes
!Facilitator
!Move the meeting along
!Ensure agenda items are addressed
!Ensure participation
Roles in meetings
!Recorder Scribe
! Document the meeting
! Decisions
!Participants
! Know why they are in the meeting
! Are prepared and briefed on the agenda
beforehand
! Know outcomes and expectations after the
meeting
Agendas: the heart of the meeting
!Meeting Name
!Logistics: time, place
!Attendees expected and actual
!Roles
!Agenda topics
!Introduction
!Description
!Desired outcomes
!Next meeting if any
Meetings: the aftermath
!Minutes
!Action items
!Responsibilities & commitments
!Expectations performance, timeline
!Easily accessible by meeting attendees
!Public or private?
Meeting Presentations
! Preparation
! Decide what works best for your meeting
! Agenda
! distribute ahead of time;
! printed handouts at the meeting
! Display projection
! Advantages / disadvantages
! Powerpoint
Face to Face communications:
Giving constructive feedback
Constructive feedback
!You are an expert on
!other peoples behavior
!your feelings
!You are not an expert on
!your behavior
!other peoples feelings
Giving constructive feedback
, When you . . .
, I feel . . .
, Because I . . .
Start with a When you . . . statement
that describes the behavior without
judgment, exaggeration, labeling,
attribution, or motives. Just state the
facts as specifically as possible.
Tell how their behavior affects you. If
you need more than a word or two to
describe the feeling, its probably just
some variation of joy, sorrow, anger,
concern or fear.
Now say why you are affected that
way. Describe the connection between
the facts you observed and the
feelings they provoke in you.
Giving constructive feedback (contd)
, (Pause for Discussion)
, I would like . . .
, Because . . .
, What do you think?. . .
Let the other person respond.
Describe the change you want the
other person to consider ...
... and why you think the change will
alleviate the problem.
Listen to the other persons
response. Be prepared to discuss
options and reach consensus on a
solution.
From: Scholtes, Peter R., The Team Handbook, Joiner Associates (1988)
Giving constructive feedback:
An example
1. When you . . .
2. I feel . . .
3. Because I . . .
4. (Pause for Discussion)
5. I would like . . .
6. Because . . .
7. What do you think?. . .
When you are late for team meetings,
I get angry ...
... because I think it is wasting the time of
all the other team members and we are
never able to get through all of the agenda
items.
I would like you to consider finding some
way of planning your schedule that lets you
get to these team meetings on time.
Because that way we can be more
productive at the team meetings and we
can all keep to our tight schedules.
Another example
!Instead of:
!your attitude is bad or this just isnt working
!Try:
!When you miss deadlines, then cross your
arms and look away when I talk with you, it
gives me the impression you dont care about
the quality of your work. Can you help me
understand this differently?
Constructive feedback:
An exercise
! Find a partner for this exercise
! Recall a work situation from the recent past where
constructive feedback might have helped
! Make notes about feedback you would have liked to
have given at that time
! Then give this constructive feedback to your partner
using the constructive feedback structure of
When You : I feel : Because
! The partner, as they receive the feedback, should listen
reflectively and acknowledge that they have received the
feedback (e.g., say Thanks for telling me.)
Closing & Review
Closing thoughts and summary
Leadership and Communications
!One is inseparable from the other
!They are complementary
" Good communications enhances your
leadership signature;
" Your leadership signature is the opportunity
for you to practice and instill good
communications
!With both leadership and
communications, you can inspire, align,
and motivate your organization
Philosophy of a good communicator
!Assume 100% of the responsibility for
understanding what the other person
means.
!Assume 100% of the responsibility for
making sure that the person you are
communicating with understands you.
Effective communication techniques
!Use feedback
!Use appropriate (perhaps multiple) channels
!Email, phone, one-on-one?
!Amount of information and timing?
!Be sensitive to the receiver
!Be aware of symbolic meanings
!Use simple language
!Use repetition
Source: Source: How to Speak and Listen Effectively How to Speak and Listen Effectively, Harvey A. , Harvey A.
Robbins. Robbins.
The Art of Dialogue
Its the embrace of different points of view literally the art
of thinking together
! Listening - We must listen not only to others but to
ourselves, dropping our assumptions, resistance, and
reactions
! Respecting We must allow rather than try to change
people with a different viewpoint
! Suspending We must suspend our opinions, step
back, change direction, and see with new eyes.
! Voicing We must speak our own voice. Find our own
authority, giving up the need to dominate.
William Isaacs, Director, Institutes Dialogue Project, MIT
Sloan School
Key points to take away
!Think about your communication style
!Think about how you apply that style in
dealing with others, particularly those with
other styles
!Remember that communication is more
than words
!Assume real responsibility for your
communication
The language we use creates our reality.
Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.
-- Frank Outlaw -- Frank Outlaw
Suggested reading
! People Styles at Work: Making Bad Relationships Good
and Good Relationships Better, Robert Bolton and
Dorothy Grover Bolton
! Social Style/Management Style: Developing Productive
Work Relationships, Robert Bolton and Dorothy Grover
Bolton
! Personal Styles & Effective Performance
Make Your Style Work for You
David W. Merrill, Ph.D., Roger H. Reid, M.A.
! How to Speak and Listen Effectively
Harvey A. Robbins
Try? There is no try. There is only do or
not do.
YODA, in The Empire Strikes Back
Thank you!
THANK YOU