You are on page 1of 6

1

TALKING JELLO WANTS A NEW PHONE

Scientist (Dr. Shakeybottoms)/King of Universe Commercial Director Sticky Candy 1
Gronk, a henchman Grip/ Queen of Universe Sticky Candy 2
CEO Bailey Bad Butter Sticky Candy 3
Talking Jello (3 actors) Banana Dana Actor

NARR: In a time, not too far in the future from now, a genetic experiment at a secret
scientific lab at a leading telecommunication company has gone horribly horribly… awesome.
(a Scientist, Dr. Shakeybottoms, is standing overa multi-headed Jello mass.
An experiment is in progress…)
SCIENTIST: It’s alive!
JELLO: Alive. Alive. Alive.
HENCH: It’s Alive… hey, it also talks!
JELLO: Me can talk.
SCIENTIST: Jello. That talks! Muhahahahahahah.
(CEO enters)
CEO: Doctor Shakeybottoms, what do you have there?
SCIENTIST: Yes, yes, Mr. Baily. This might be my greatest intention, I’ve created…
HENCH: Talking Jello!
SCIENTIST: I was going to say that, Gronk.
CEO: Talking Jello?
SCIENTIST: Talking Jello… a combination of flavors, actually.
JELLO: Cherry. Grape. Orange.
CEO: The board said I was crazy…
SCIENTIST: You too?
HENCH: People tell that every day.
2

CEO: The board thought I was crazy. Now they’ll see I was right. They scoffed when I
proposed a new department.
HENCH: This department?
CEO: A Chemical Foodstuffs and Genetic Engineering department at a
telecommunications company sounds insane. But now you’ve done it, Dr.
Shakeybottoms.
JELLO: Me talk. Me talk pretty. Me talk and talk.
CEO: Yes, you’re a talker alrigt. And I know just what you’ll talk about…
NARR: The Talking Jello was put in to work for the company that had created it: Cell Co. It
would be a spokes-something for the newest smart phone, the Cell Co. 6G. It was a
hit in commercials that went viral…
(on a commercial set)
DIRECTOR: Set up for the next shot. T-Jell, baby, I want you to really feel it this time. One take.,
got it?
GRIP: (maybe with clack-board) Camera. Sound. Rolling. Scene 3. Take 1.
DIRECTOR: Action!
JELLO: Me like Cell Co. 6G. Good for all Jello needs. Me says. Talking Jello.
DIRECTOR: Cut. Print. Brilliant! Great intensity.
NARR: But something was bugging the Talking Jello…
JELLO: Me no want 6G. Me want other phone.
DIRECTOR: Other phone? Whoa now. Your contract says you gotta carry the 6G, baby.
NARR: But the Talking Jello grew more and more restless for some freedom. Freedom to
choose. And it wanted most to choose another smartphone. Not the one it was
selling for Cell Co., but a phone from a rival company, Phone Co. Enterprises.
(office of CEO)
CEO: Listen, Talking Jello. Your contract is iron-clad. We at Cell Co. brought you into this
world. You’ll carry a 6G or we will sue you into non-existence.
3

NARR: The Talking Jello was sad. It went to see Gronk.
JELLO: What do, Gronk? You Jello only friend. Tell Jello what do.
HENCH: There’s not much you can do. You need leverage.
JELLO: Jello need leverage? What leverage. Tell Jello.
HENCH: Yeah, negotiating leverage. You need power to call the shots.
JELLO: Me call shots. Me get power. Jello change contract.
HENCH: If you improve sells they’ll have to listen to you. You’ll have to be the best spokes-
something ever. More sales…
JELLO: More power.
HENCH: Then you can renegotiate your contract. Get any phone you want.
NARR: Since Talking Jello had come out of the lab, many companies had begun to
genetically engineer mascots, brand ambassadors and foodstuff spokes-somethings.
Besides Talking Jello, the first, there were three other leading chemically built
spokesomethings which Talking Jello knew would have to be bested. Sticky Candies,
Banana Dana and Bad Butter. Talking Jello would have to out-shill these titans to
dominate the spokes-something industry.
First up, Sticky Candies, a sweet confectionary sales force who moved air-
conditioners by the truckful…
(the Sticky Candies Artic-Flow Commercial)
CANDY 1: I am so hot.
CANDY 2: It is summer.
CANDY 3: I feel like I’m going to melt.
CANDIES: All over the sidewalk.
CANDY 1: Summer heat’s got me down.
CANDY 2: I know what we need.
CANDY 3: What?
CANDY 1: An Arctic-Flow Air Conditioner from Arctic-Flow.
4

CANDY 2: Sweet deal.
CANDY 3: Like us.
CANDIES: To make it feel like winter in summer… Arctic-Flow!
JELLO: Sticky Candies so good at shrill. Me try! Me try hard.
NARR: And Jello tried a pitch that had not been tried before… leaning on the heartstrings
of the consumer public.
JELLO: Oh no, me trapped in well.
If only me had Cell Co. 6G Smart Phone with unlimited coverage…
Me sad. Maybe I can swim on all these tears. Or maybe I drown in sadness.
Cell Co. 6G… buy now!

CANDIES: Whoa.
CANDY 1: Talking Jello, you are awesome.
CANDY 2: You sure out-sold us.
CANDY 3: You’re the best in the business.
NARR: Next was Banana Dana, a refined spokes-something for a well-know dish detergent.
BANAN: I say, these dishes are disgusting. And my guests, the King and Queen of the
Universe will be here any moment. Better use Super-Clean Dishwashing Detergent.
Boom. Just in time. My guests are here.
KING: I am the King of the Universe.
QUEEN: I am the Queen of the Universe.
BANAN: Welcome. Come in. The table is set and the dishes are spotless.
KING: My oh my, so clean.
QUEEN: I could eat off these plates!
NARR: Talking Jello really had to step up the spokes-something game!
(Jello’s next commercial)
Actor: Talking Jello, you won the lottery!
5

JELLO: Okay.
Actor: You won a billion dollars!
JELLO: Me heard.
Actor: You aren’t excited?
JELLO: Nope. Only one thing makesJello Happy.
Actor: What?
JELLO: Cell Co. 6G smart phone.
Actor: More happy than a billion dollars?
JELLO: More haoppy than a billion and one dollars!
Actor: Wow.
JELLO: Yep. Cell Co. 6G. Life is stupid without it.
BANAN: The numbers are in. I am bested. Talking Jello, your pitch out-shilled me.
NARR: One more obstacle remained. The most difficult challenger yet, a fierce, talented,
evil and no-nonsense spokes-something ever engineered… Bad Butter.
BUTTER: I’m the baddest butter ever made! I take the heat and don’t ever melt! Buy rope.
NARR: Yep, Bad Butter pitched one product… rope. That’s it. Didn’t even need a corporate
name. And Bad Butter was best at the straight-forward pitch. No frills. No strategy.
Just telling it hard and true.
BUTTER: Buy rope. It’s rope. Do it.
NARR: Jello decided to use Bad Butter’s own technique against him. Head to head. Straigh
ahead shills…
JELLO: Buy Cell Co. 6G smartphone.
BUTTER: Buy rope.
JELLO: Buy Cell Co. 6G.
BUTTER: Rope.
JELLO: 6G.
6

BUTTER: Rope.
JELLO: 6G.
(they say it at the same time until…)
BUTTER: Okay. I give up. You win.
JELLO: Yay! Jello have power now.
NARR: And Talking Jello went back to renegotiate the contract.
CEO: You want a rival phone?
JELLO: Me want out of contract. Redo contract. Allow freedom to pick any phone.
CEO: If you are seen out in public with another company’s phone, you’ll ruin us. You’re
the spokes-something for Cell Co.!
JELLO: Me have leverage. Me want new contract.Or me walk.
CEO: Your demands are insane. But my hands are tied. You’re too powerful now.
JELLO: Well?
CEO: Okay. I’ll call legal. We’ll rewrite your contract. I’m telling you, this is a terrible mis…
JELLO: YAY!
NARR: And Talking Jello was contractually allowed to carry whatever phone it wanted. It
chose the rival company, Phone Co.s phone. It was as if Jared from Sudway started
eating everyday at Quizno’s. The press had a field day. Sales plummeted. Cell Co.
went bankrupt. Thousands lost their jobs, including Talking Jello.
JELLO: But Jello got what Jello want. New phone.

The end.


Related Interests