RICHARD O'BRIEN'S THE ROCKY HORROR SHOW

Book, music, and lyrics by Richard O'Brien.

CAST
(In order of appearance)
USHERETTE / MAE!TA
BRA"
#A!ET
!ARRATOR
R$%% RA%%
&O'UMB$A
%RA!( '!' %URTER
RO&()
E""$E / "R. S&OTT
* +HA!TOMS , TRA!S)'-A!$A!S
Notes:
.. Ushere//e can be doubled 0i/h Ma1en/a.
2. "r. Sco// and Eddie can be doubled.
3. +han/oms can be increased /o si4.
They are used ons/a1e 5 o66 as back u7 sin1ers as 0ell as unders/udies.
PLAY SCRIPT
PHANTOMS: (Enter from Audience.) 8elcome, 0e're 1lad you could come /oni1h/.
Prologue
(USHERETTE enters with tray.)
[Song: "SCIENCE FICTION DOUBLE FEATURE"]
USHERETTE:
M$&HAE' RE!!$E 8AS $''
THE "A) THE EARTH STOO" ST$''
BUT HE TO'" US 8HERE 8E STA!"
A!" %'ASH OR"O! 8AS THERE
$! S$'-ER U!"ER8EAR
&'AU"E RA$!S 8AS THE $!-$S$B'E MA!
THE! SOMETH$! 8E!T 8RO!
%OR %A) 8RA) A!" ($! (O!
THE) OT &AUHT $! A &E''U'O$" #AM
THE! AT A "EA"') +A&E
$T &AME %ROM OUTER S+A&E
A!" TH$S $S HO8 THE MESSAE RA!.
(CHORUS)
(PHANTOS do the Oohhs etc.)
S&$E!&E %$&T$O! , "OUB'E %EATURE
"R. 9 8$'' BU$'" A &REATURE
SEE A!"RO$"S %$HT$! BRA" A!" #A!ET
A!!E %RA!&ES STARS $! %ORB$""E! +'A!ET
OH , AT THE 'ATE !$HT "OUB'E %EATURE
+$&TURE SHO8.
$ (!E8 'EO . &ARRO'
8AS O-ER A BARRE'
8HE! TARA!TU'A TOO( TO THE H$''S
A!" $ REA'') OT HOT
8HE! $ SA8 #A!ETTE S&OTT
%$HT A TR$%%$" THAT S+$TS +O$SO! A!" ($''S
"A!A A!"RE8S SA$" +RU!ES
$-E H$M THE RHU!ES
A!" +ASS$! THEM USE" 'OTS O% S($''S
A!" 8HE! 8OR'"S &O''$"E
SA$" EORE +A' TO H$S BR$"E
$'M O$! TO $-E )OU SOME TERR$B'E THR$''S
'$(E A ,
(CHORUS)
S&$E!&E %$&T$O! , "OUB'E %EATURE
"R. 9 8$'' BU$'" A &REATURE
SEE A!"RO$"S %$HT$! BRA" A!" #A!ET
A!!E %RA!&ES STARS $! %ORB$""E! +'A!ET
OH , AT THE 'ATE !$HT "OUB'E %EATURE
+$&TURE SHO8.
$ 8A!T TO O
AT THE 'ATE !$HT "OUB'E %EATURE +$&TURE SHO8
B) R.(.O.
AT THE 'ATE !$HT "OUB'E %EATURE +$&TURE SHO8
$! THE BA&( RO8
AT THE 'ATE !$HT "OUB'E %EATURE +$&TURE SHO8.
Scene One
(!eddin" #e$$s are rin"in" % PHANTO &oices. PHANTOS create arch throu"h which 'RA(
and )ANET enter* #oth are #reath$ess.)
JANET. Oh Brad, 0asn'/ i/ 0onder6ul , didn'/ Be//y look radian/ly beau/i6ul , $ can'/ belie:e i/ ,
;us/ an hour a1o she 0as 7lain Be//y Munroe and no0 she's Mrs. Ral6 Ha7sha//.
BRAD. )es, #ane/ , Ral6's a lucky 1uy.
JANET. )es.
BRAD. E:eryone kno0s Be//y's a 0onder6ul li//le cook.
JANET. )es.
BRAD. And Ral6 himsel6 0ill be in line 6or 7romo/ion in a year or /0o.
JANET. )es, Brad.
[Song: "DAMN IT JANET"]
BRAD.
HE), #A!ET.
JANET.
)ES BRA".
BRAD.
$'-E OT SOMETH$! TO SA).
JANET.
)ES.
BRAD.
$ REA'') 'O-E" THE S($''%U' 8A)
)OU BEAT THE OTHER $R'S TO THE BR$"E'S
BOU<UET.
PHANTOMS.
THE R$-ER 8AS "EE+ BUT $ S8AM $T. #ane/
THE %UTURE $S OURS SO 'ET'S +'A! $T. #ane/
SO +'EASE "O!'T TE'' ME TO &A! $T. #ane/
$'-E O!E TH$! TO SA) A!" THAT'S ...
"AM! $T , #A!ET , $ 'O-E )OU.

THE ROA" 8AS 'O! BUT $ RA! $T. #ane/
THERE'S A %$RE $! M) HEART A!" )OU %A! $T. #ane/
$% THERE'S A %OO' %OR )OU THE! $ AM $T. #ane/
$'-E O!E TH$! TO SA) A!" THAT'S ...
"AM! $T , #A!ET , $ 'O-E )OU.
HERE'S A R$! TO +RO-E $'M !O #O(ER
('e$$ &oices.)
THERE'S THREE 8A)S THAT 'O-E &A! RO8
THAT'S OO" , BA" , OR ME"$O&RE
#,A,!,E,T
$ 'O-E )OU SO.
JANET. PHANTOMS.
OH $T'S !$&ER THA! BETT) MU!ROE HA". Oh Brad.
!O8 8E'RE E!AE" A!" $'M SO 'A". Oh Brad.
THAT )OU'-E MET MOM A!" )OU (!O8 "A". Oh Brad.
$'-E O!E TH$! TO SA) A!" THAT'S ...
BRA" , $'M MA" , %OR )OU TOO.
OH BRA".
BRAD.
OH "AM! $T.
JANET.
$'M MA".
BRAD.
OH #A!ET.
JANET.
%OR )OU.
BRAD. PHANTOMS.
$ 'O-E )OU TOO , THERE'S O!E TH$! 'E%T
TO "O A!" THAT'S...
O SEE THE MA! THAT BEA! $T #ane/
8HE! 8E MET $! H$S S&$E!&E E9AM $T
MA"E ME $-E )OU THE E)E A!" THE! +A!$& #ane/
!O8 $'-E O!E TH$! TO SA) A!" THAT'S ...
"AM! $T , #A!ET , $ 'O-E )OU.
"AM! $T #A!ET.
JANET.
OH BRA" $'M MA".
BRAD.
"AM! $T #A!ET.
JANET.
$ 'O-E )OU.
(Son" ends. '$ac+ out.)
('RA(* )ANET and PHANTOS e,it.)
(S-ot$i"ht on.)
NARRATOR. $ 0ould like , i6 $ may , /o /ake you on a s/ran1e ;ourney. $/ seemed a 6airly
ordinary ni1h/ 0hen Brad Ma;ors, and his 6ianc=e #ane/ 8eiss ... >/0o youn1 ordinary heal/hy
kids? ... le6/ "en/on /ha/ la/e !o:ember e:enin1 /o :isi/ a "r. E:re// Sco// e4 /u/or and no0 6riend /o
bo/h o6 /hem ... $/'s /rue /here 0ere dark s/orm clouds, hea:y , black and 7endulous , /o0ard 0hich
/hey 0ere dri:in1, i/'s /rue also /ha/ /he s7are /ire /hey 0ere carryin1 0as badly in need o6 some air ,
bu/ /hey bein1 normal kids and on a ni1h/ ou/ , 0ell , /hey 0ere no/ 1oin1 /o le/ a s/orm s7oil /he
e:en/s o6 /heir e:enin1. On a ni1h/ ou/. (Thunder) $/ 0as a ni1h/ ou/ /hey 0ere /o
remember (Thunder) 6or a :ery , lon1 , /ime.
Scene Two
(Sound of a car a--roachin" throu"h a stormy ni"ht.)
(Head$i"hts)
(Car sto-s.)
BRAD. Hmmm.
JANET. 8ha/'s /he ma//er, Brad darlin1@
BRAD. $ /hink 0e /ook /he 0ron1 6ork a 6e0 miles back /here. 8e'd be//er 1o on ahead u7 /he
road and see i6 0e can 6ind our 0ay back. (They mo&e off. '.O!%OUT.) Oh darnA #ane/.
JANET. 8ha/ 0as /ha/ ban1@
BRAD. 8e seem /o ha:e a blo0,ou/ in /he 6ron/ le6/,hand /ire.
JANET. Oh ...
(Pause. .i"htnin" and thunder.)
BRAD. )ou'd be//er s/ay here and kee7 0arm 0hile $ 1o 6or hel7.
JANET. Bu/ 0here 0ill you 1o@ 8e're in /he middle o6 no0here.
BRAD. "idn'/ 0e 7ass a cas/le back do0n /he road a 6e0 miles@ Maybe /hey ha:e a /ele7hone $
mi1h/ use.
JANET. $'m comin1 0i/h you.
BRAD. There's no 7oin/ in bo/h o6 us 1e//in1 0e/.
JANET. $'m comin1 0i/h you. Besides, darlin1, /he o0ner o6 /he 7hone may be a beau/i6ul
0oman, and you may ne:er come back.
BRAD. Ha Ha Ha.
(PHANTOS ta+e u- the $au"hter % They e,it with car.)
[Song: "OVER AT THE FRANKENSTEIN PLACE"]
JANET.
$! THE -E'-ET "AR(!ESS
O% THE B'A&(EST !$HT
BUR!$! BR$HT , THERE'S A U$"$! STAR
!O MATTER 8HAT OR 8HO )OU ARE.
BRAD & JANET.
THERE'S A '$HT
PHANTOMS.
O-ER AT THE %RA!(E!STE$! +'A&E
BRAD & JANET.
THERE'S A '$HT
PHANTOMS.
BUR!$! $! THE %$RE+'A&E
JANET.
THERE'S A '$HT ... '$HT $! THE "AR(!ESS O%
E-ER)BO")'S '$%E
BRAD.
$ &A! SEE THE %'A %')
$ &A! SEE THE RA$!
#UST THE SAME , THERE HAS OT TO BE
SOMETH$! BETTER HERE , %OR )OU A!" ME.
BRAD & JANET.
THERE'S A '$HT
PHANTOMS.
O-ER AT THE %RA!(E!STE$! +'A&E
BRAD & JANET.
THERE'S A '$HT
PHANTOMS.
BUR!$! $! THE %$RE+'A&E
BRAD.
THERE'S A '$HT ... '$HT $! THE "AR(!ESS O%
E-ER)BO")'S '$%E
(A $i"ht -in s-ots R/00 RA00.)
RIFF RAFF.
THE "AR(!ESS MUST O
"O8! THE R$-ER O% !$HTS "REAM$!
%'O8 MOR+H$A S'O8 'ET THE SU! A!" '$HT
&OME STREAM$! $!TO M) '$%E
$!TO M) '$%E
JANET & BRAD.
THERE'S A '$HT
PHANTOMS.
O-ER AT THE %RA!(E!STE$! +'A&E
JANET & BRAD.
THERE'S A '$HT
PHANTOMS.
BUR!$! $! THE %$RE+'A&E
THERE'S A '$HT , '$HT
JANET & BRAD.
$! THE "AR(!ESS O% E-ER)BO")'S '$%E
(Son" ends.)
(.i"htnin")
JANET. (Screams)
BRAD. $/'s all ri1h/, #ane/.
JANET. Oh Brad le/'s 1o back. $'m cold and $'m 6ri1h/ened.
BRAD. #us/ a momen/, #ane/, /hey may ha:e a /ele7hone.
(PHANTOS enter % mime a door.)
(He rin"s the #e$$ ... No answer ... Rin"s a"ain ... At $ast the door o-ens.)
((oor crea+.)
RIFF RAFF. (.oo+in" -ast them as if for others* or some%one e$se.) Hello.
BRAD. OhB UhB AhhB Hi /here, 0e're in a bi/ o6 a s7o/, $ 0onder could you hel7 us , our car is
broken do0n abou/ /0o miles back , do you ha:e a /ele7hone 0e mi1h/ use ... @
RIFF RAFF. (Pause) )ou're 0e/.
JANET. )es , /he rain has been :ery hea:y.
BRAD. )es.
RIFF RAFF. )es , (.i"htnin" and Thunder.) $ /hink you be//er bo/h come inside.
JANET. )ou're /oo kind.
RIFF RAFF. (imics )ANET.) )ou're /oo kind.
(Shuts door.)
('$ac+out.)
NARRATOR. (S-ot$i"ht on.) And so , a6/er bra:in1 /he inclemen/ 0ea/her, and some no/ /oo
li//le /ime , i/ seemed /ha/ 6or/une had smiled on Brad and #ane/ and /ha/ /hey had 6ound /he
assis/ance /ha/ /heir 7li1h/ reCuired , or had /hey@ , There 0as cer/ainly some/hin1 abou/ /his house
>/o 0hich, a 6la/ /ire and a 0e/ ni1h/ had brou1h/ /hem? /ha/ made /he bo/h o6 /hem uneasy , bu/, i6
/hey 0ere /o reach /heir des/ina/ion /ha/ ni1h/, /hey 0ould ha:e /o i1nore such 6eelin1s and /ake
ad:an/a1e o6 0ha/e:er hel7 0as o66ered.
Scene Three
(/nterior dim$y $it.)
(PHANTOS wander set with &arious e,-erimenta$ sur"ica$ e$ements % ie #rain in #ott$e.)
(R/00 RA00 enters* #ec+ons )ANET and 'RA(.)
RIFF RAFF. 8ai/ here.
BRAD. (To R/00 RA00 as he e,its.) E4cuse me.
JANET. (.oo+in" around.) Oh Brad 0ha/ sor/ o6 a 7lace is /his , $'m 6ri1h/ened.
BRAD. $/'s 7robably some sor/ o6 hun/in1 lod1e 6or rich 0eirdos , bu/ you're shi:erin1.
JANET. )es $'m 0e/.
BRAD. 'ook 6eel /his , /here's ho/ air comin1 6rom /his 1rille in /he 0all , /ake o66 your s0ea/er
and dry i/ here. $'ll kee7 a look ou/ 6or /he under/aker.
JANET. (Screams as sweater is snatched from her #y hand throu"h "ri$$.) OhA
BRAD. %or od's sake kee7 a 1ri7 on yoursel6 #ane/. $'m here , /here's no/hin1 /o 0orry
abou/. (She smi$es.) Here dry my coa/ /oo.
JANET. O.(. (R/00 RA00* CO.U'/A and A1ENTA enter. )ANET screams.) A11hhhAAA
BRAD. $/'s alri1h/, #ane/. E4cuse me, hi, look i6 $ could ;us/ use your 7hone, 0e'll mo:e ri1h/
alon1 , $'m sure you':e 1o/ a lo/ o6 /hin1s /o do and a 1rea/ e:enin1 7lanned.
RIFF RAFF. Oh yes, you':e arri:ed on a ra/her s7ecial ni1h/, /he mas/er is ha:in1 one o6 his
a66airs.
JANET. 'ucky old him.
MAGENTA. )eah , he's lucky , $'m lucky , you're lucky , 0e're all lucky ...
COLUMBIA. All e4ce7/ Eddie.
RIFF RAFF. SSHHHAAA
JANET. Eddie@
RIFF RAFF & MAGENTA. SSHHHAAA
MAGENTA. The deli:ery boy.
COLUMBIA. His deli:ery 0asn'/ 1ood enou1h.
RIFF RAFF. The mas/er only 0an/ed /o hel7 /he boy be//er his 7osi/ion.
BRAD. Tha/'s :ery commendable ...
RIFF RAFF. )es, i/ seems like only yes/erday since he 0en/ ...
JANET. 8here@
MAGENTA. To 7ieces.
RIFF RAFF & MAGENTA. Ha Ha Ha.
(A1ENTA* CO.U'/A and R/00 RA00 sin"* PHANTOS 2oin after first &erse.)
[Song: "THE TIME WARP"]
RIFF RAFF.
$T'S ASTOU!"$! , T$ME $S %'EET$!
MA"!ESS TA(ES $T'S TO''
BUT '$STE! &'OSE') ,
MAGENTA & COLUMBIA.
!OT %OR -ER) MU&H 'O!ER
RIFF RAFF.
$'-E OT TO (EE+ &O!TRO'
$ REMEMBER "O$! THE T$ME 8AR+
"R$!($! THOSE MOME!TS 8HE!
THE B'A&(!ESS 8OU'" H$T ME ,
A!" THE -O$" 8OU'" BE &A''$!
ALL.
'ET'S "O THE T$ME 8AR+ AA$!
'ET'S "O THE T$ME 8AR+ AA$!
(CHORUS)
NARRATOR. (R. 'ASSAN)
$T'S #UST A #UM+ TO THE 'E%T
ALL.
A!" THE! A STE+ TO THE R$HT
NARRATOR.
8$TH )OUR HA!"S O! )OUR H$+S
ALL.
)OU BR$! )OUR (!EES $! T$HT
BUT $T'S THE +E'-$& THRUST
THAT STARTS TO "R$-E )OU $!SA!E
'ET'S "O THE T$ME 8AR+ AA$!
'ET'S "O THE T$ME 8AR+ AA$!
MAGENTA.
$T'S SO "REAM) , OH %A!TAS) %REE ME
SO )OU &A!'T SEE ME , !O !OT AT A''
$! A!OTHER "$ME!S$O! , 8$TH -O)EUR$ST$& $!TE!T$O!
8E'' SE&'U"E" , $''' SEE A''
8$TH A B$T O% A M$!" %'$+ , )OU'RE THERE $!
THE T$ME S'$+
!OTH$! &A! E-ER BE THE SAME
)OU'RE S+A&E" OUT O! SE!SAT$O!
RIFF RAFF & MAGENTA.
'$(E )OU'RE U!"ER SE"AT$O!
ALL.
'ET'S "O THE T$ME 8AR+ AA$!
'ET'S "O THE T$ME 8AR+ AA$!
(CHORUS)
NARRATOR. (R. 'ASSAN)
$T'S #UST A #UM+ TO THE 'E%T
ALL.
A!" THE! A STE+ TO THE R$HT
NARRATOR.
8$TH )OUR HA!"S O! )OUR H$+S
ALL.
)OU BR$! )OUR (!EES $! T$HT
BUT $T'S THE +E'-$& THRUST
THAT STARTS TO "R$-E )OU $!SA!E
'ET'S "O THE T$ME 8AR+ AA$!
'ET'S "O THE T$ME 8AR+ AA$!
COLUMBIA.
8E'' $ 8AS 8A'($! "O8! THE STREET
#UST HA-$! A TH$!(
8HE! A S!A(E O% A U) A-E ME A! E-$' 8$!(
8E'' $T SHOO( ME U+, $T TOO( ME B) SUR+R$SE
HE HA" A +$&( U+ TRU&( A!" THE "E-$''S E)ES
OH , HE STARE" AT ME A!" $ %E'T A &HA!E
T$ME MEA!T !OTH$! , !E-ER 8OU'" AA$!
ALL.
'ET'S "O THE T$ME 8AR+ AA$!
'ET'S "O THE T$ME 8AR+ AA$!
(CO.U'/A % Ta- #rea+.)
'ET'S "O THE T$ME 8AR+ AA$!
'ET'S "O THE T$ME 8AR+ AA$!
(CHORUS)
NARRATOR. (R. 'ASSAN)
$T'S #UST A #UM+ TO THE 'E%T
ALL.
A!" THE! A STE+ TO THE R$HT
NARRATOR.
8$TH )OUR HA!"S O! )OUR H$+S
ALL.
)OU BR$! )OUR (!EES $! T$HT
BUT $T'S THE +E'-$& THRUST
THAT STARTS TO "R$-E )OU $!SA!E
'ET'S "O THE T$ME 8AR+ AA$!
'ET'S "O THE T$ME 8AR+ AA$!
(Son" ends. R/00 RA00* A1ENTA* CO.U'/A mo&e menacin"$y toward 'RA( and )ANET.)
JANET. Say some/hin1 Brad.
BRAD. Ah ... say, do you 1uys kno0 ho0 /o Madison@ #ane/ , ou/, ou/, s/e7 /ouch, s/e7 /ouch.
('eat to 3Sweet Trans&estite3)
(R/00 RA00* A1ENTA* CO.U'/A and PHANTOS #rea+ off and -re-are for entrance.)
JANET. Brad, le/'s 1e/ ou/ o6 here, i/ seems so unheal/hy here , $ 0an/ /o 1o.
BRAD. 8ell 0e can'/ 1o any0here un/il $ 1e/ /o a 7hone.
JANET. This isn'/ /he ;unior &hamber o6 &ommerce Brad.
BRAD. They're 7robably 6orei1ners 0i/h 0ays di66eren/ /o our o0n, /hey may do some more
6olk dancin1.
JANET. 'ook $'m cold, $'m 0e/ and $'m ;us/ 7lain scared.
BRAD. $'m here #ane/, /here's no/hin1 /o 0orry abou/.
(0RAN4 a--ears.)
[Song: "SWEET TRANSVESTITE"]
FRANK.
HO8 "O )OU "O
$ SEE )OU'-E MET M) %A$TH%U' HA!")MA!
HE'S A '$TT'E BROUHT "O8!
BE&AUSE 8HE! )OU (!O&(E"
HE THOUHT )OU 8ERE THE &A!")MA!
(S-o+en) "idn'/ you %reaky.
"O!'T ET STRU! OUT B) THE 8A) THAT $ 'OO(
"O!'T #U"E A BOO( B) $T'S &O-ER
$'M !OT MU&H O% A MA!
B) THE '$HT O% "A)
BUT B) !$HT $'M O!E HE'' O% A 'O-ER
$'M #UST A S8EET TRA!S-EST$TE
%ROM TRA!SSE9UA'
TRA!S)'-A!$A.
'ET ME SHO8 )OU AROU!", MA)BE +'A) )OU A SOU!"
)OU 'OO( '$(E )OU'RE BOTH +RETT) ROO-)
OR $% )OU 8A!T SOMETH$! -$SUA' THAT'S !OT
TOO AB)SMA'
8E &OU'" TA(E $! A! O'" STE-E REE-ES MO-$E
BRAD.
$'M 'A" 8E &AUHT )OU AT HOME
AH , &OU'" 8E USE )OUR +HO!E
8E'RE BOTH $! A B$T O% A HURR)
8E''' #UST SA) 8HERE 8E ARE
THE! O BA&( TO THE &AR
8E "O!'T 8A!T TO BE A!) 8ORR)
FRANK.
)OU OT &AUHT 8$TH A %'AT
8E'' HO8 ABOUT THAT
8E'' BAB$ES "O!'T )OU +A!$&
B) THE '$HT O% THE !$HT
$T''' A'' SEEM A'R$HT
$''' ET )OU A SATA!$& ME&HA!$&
$'M #UST A
S8EET TRA!S-EST$TE
%ROM TRA!SSE9UA'
TRA!S)'-A!$A
8H) "O!'T &HA STA) %OR THE !$HT
RIFF RAFF, MAGENTA & COLUMBIA.
!$HT
FRANK.
OR MA)BE A B$TE
RIFF RAFF, MAGENTA & COLUMBIA.
B$TE
FRANK.
$ &OU'" SHO8 )OU M) %A-OUR$TE OBSESS$O!
$'-E BEE! MA($! A MA!
8$TH B'O!" HA$R A!" A TA!
A!" HE'S OO" %OR RE'$E-$! M) TE!S$O!
$'M #UST A S8EET TRA!S-EST$TE
%ROM TRA!SSE9UA'
TRA!S)'-A!$A
RIFF RAFF, MAGENTA & COLUMBIA.
H$T $T, H$T $T
FRANK.
$'M #UST A
S8EET TRA!S-EST$TE
%ROM TRA!SSE9UA'
TRA!S)'-A!$A
SO &OME U+ TO THE 'AB
A!" SEE 8HAT'S O! THE S'AB
$ SEE )OU SH$-ER $! A!T$&$+AT$O!
BUT MA)BE THE RA$!
$S REA'') TO B'AME
SO $''' REMO-E THE &AUSE BUT !OT
THE S)M+TOM
(0RAN4 e,its. The SER5ANTS undress )ANET and 'RA(. They are reduced to 67s underwear.)
BRAD. (Aside to )ANET.) $/'s all ri1h/, #ane/, e:ery/hin1's 1onna be all ri1h/, 0e'll ;us/ 7lay
alon1 6or no0 , and 0e'll 7ull ou/ /he aces 0hen /he /ime is ri1h/.
JANET. This is no /ime 6or card /ricks, Brad, are you sure 0e'll be alri1h/@
MAGENTA. (Snatches )ANET8s #a".) !o ba1s.
BRAD. $'m sure, #ane/. (To CO.U'/A* A1ENTA and R/00 RA00.) Uh. Hi /here , $'m Brad
Ma;ors, /his is #ane/ 8eiss , my 6ianc=e , )ou are ...
COLUMBIA. )ou're :ery lucky /o be in:i/ed u7 /o %rank's labora/ory, a lo/ o6 7eo7le 0ould
1i:e /heir ri1h/ arm 6or /he 7ri:ile1e.
BRAD. +eo7le like you maybe.
COLUMBIA. $':e seen i/.
JANET. $s he ... is %rank ... your husband@
RIFF RAFF. The mas/er is no/ ye/ married, nor do $ /hink e:er 0ill be , 0e are sim7ly his
ser:an/s.
(R/00 RA00 e,its with their c$othes.)
(0RAN4 enters.)
Scene Four
FRANK. Unlock a mind , unmind a lock , i/'s /he same as /he be1innin1 o6 /he end , do you
6ollo0@
JANET. !o.
BRAD. $/'s an ana1ram, #ane/.
FRANK. $ 0onder may $ o66er you some/hin1 re6reshin1@
BRAD & JANET. !o.
FRANK. !o. )ou're ri1h/, $ 0on'/ , ho0 deli1h/6ul /o ha:e 6resh 6aces around. Ma1en/a ,
&olumbia , 1o and assis/ Ri66 Ra66 , $ 0ill en/er/ain , Ahh.
BRAD. Brad Ma;ors.
FRANK. Brad Ma;ors.
BRAD. And /his is my 6ianc=e #ane/ 8eiss.
(He -ronounces it 35ice3.)
JANET. 8eiss.
BRAD. 8eiss.
FRANK. Enchan/ed. Ho0 nice , and 0ha/ charmin1 under,clo/hes you bo/h ha:e , bu/ here,
7u/ /hese on. (He hands )ANET a $a# coat and he$-s 'RA( on with his* durin" s-eech.) They'll
make you 6eel less :ulnerable. 8e don'/ o6/en recei:e :isi/ors here, le/ alone sho0 /hem
hos7i/ali/y ...
BRAD. Hos7i/ali/yA All 0e 0an/ed 0as /o use your 7hone, a reasonable reCues/ 0hich you ha:e
chosen /o i1nore.
JANET. "on'/ be un1ra/e6ul, Brad.
BRAD. Un"ratefu$9
FRANK. Ho0 6orce6ul you are, Brad, 0ha/ a 7er6ec/ e4am7le o6 manhood , so dominan/ , you
mus/ be :ery 7roud, #ane/.
JANET. )es.
FRANK. Tell me Brad, do you ha:e any /a//oos@
BRAD. &er/ainly no/.
FRANK. Oh 0ell ... (To )ANET.) Ho0 abou/ you@
(Enter R/00 RA00.)
RIFF RAFF. E:ery/hin1 is in readiness Mas/er, 0e merely 0ai/ 6or you /o 1i:e /he 0ord.
FRANK. Toni1h/ Brad and #ane/, you are /o 0i/ness a ne0 break/hrou1h in Biochemical
research and 7aradise is /o be mine ...
JANET. Oh ho0 0onder6ul 6or you.
FRANK. )es. $/ 0as s/ran1e /he 0ay i/ ha77ened ... one o6 /hose Cuirks o6 6a/e really ... one o6
/hose momen/s 0hen ... e:ery/hin1 looks black, /he chi7s are do0n, your back is a1ains/ /he 0all.
)ou 7anic , you're /ra77ed , /here's no 0ay ou/ and e:en i6 /here 0as i/ 0ould 7robably be a one 0ay
/icke/ /o /he bo//om o6 /he bay. And /hen suddenly you 1e/ a break , all /he 7ieces seem /o 6i/ in/o
7lace , 0ha/ a sucker you'd been , 0ha/ a 6ool , /he ans0er 0as /here all /he /ime , i/ /ook a small
acciden/ /o make i/ ha77en. (A$$ $oo+ at 0RAN4 in ama:ement.) An acciden/.
MAGENTA & COLUMBIA. An acciden/.
FRANK. Tha/'s ho0 $ disco:ered /he secre/ , /ha/ elusi:e in1redien/ , /ha/ s7ark /ha/ is /he
brea/h o6 li6e. )es $ ha:e /ha/ kno0led1e, $ hold /he key /o li6e i/sel6, you see Brad and #ane/ you are
6or/una/e 6or /oni1h/ is /he ni1h/ my beau/i6ul crea/ure is des/ined /o be born.(usic) Thro0 o7en
/he s0i/ches on /he Sonic Oscilla/or and s/e7 u7 /he Reac/or +o0er $n7u/ ... /hree more 7oin/s.
(The $a# has a series of mechanisms that can #e chan"ed accordin" to its desi"n.)
(The $a# $i"hts u- in sta"es throu"hout the fo$$owin".)
(; CHOR(S % <* =* ;.)
JANET. BradA
BRAD. $/'s alri1h/ #ane/.
FRANK. Balls
(; Chords.)
JANET. BradA
BRAD. $/'s alri1h/ #ane/.
FRANK. Tubes
(; Chords.)
JANET. BradA
BRAD. $/'s alri1h/ #ane/.
FRANK. &rim7s
(; Chords.)
(ROC4> is re&ea$ed in swadd$in" c$othes.)
(0RAN4 disro#es him durin" the son".)
[Song: "THE SWORD OF DAMOCLES"]
ROCKY.
THE S8OR" O% "AMO&'ES $S HA!$! O-ER M) HEA"
A!" $'-E OT THE %EE'$! SOMEO!E $S O!!A BE
&UTT$! THE THREA"
OH 8OE $S ME , M) '$%E $S A M$SER)
OH &A!'T )OU SEE $'M AT THE START
O% A +RETT) B$ "O8!ER
$ 8O(E U+ TH$S MOR!$! 8$TH A START 8HE!
$ %E'' OUT O% THE BE"
ALL.
THAT A$!'T !O &R$ME
ROCKY.
A!" 'E%T %ROM M) "REAM$! 8AS A %EE'$!
O% U!AM$AB'E "REA"
ALL.
THAT A$!'T !O &R$ME
ROCKY.
M) H$H $S 'O8 , $'M "RESSE" U+ 8$TH !O +'A&E
TO O A!" A'' $ (!O8 $S $'M AT THE
START O% A +RETT) B$ "O8!ER
ALL.
>SHA 'A 'A 'A THAT A$!'T !O &R$ME?
>SHA 'A 'A 'A THAT A$!'T !O &R$ME?
>SHA 'A 'A 'A THAT A$!'T !O &R$ME?
>THAT A$!'T !O &R$ME?
NARRATOR.
RO&() HORROR )OU !EE" +EA&E O% M$!" , A!" $
8A!T TO TE'' )OU THAT )OU'RE "O$! #UST %$!E
)OU'RE THE +RO"U&T O% A!OTHER T$ME A!"
%EE'$! "O8! 8E'' THAT'S !O &R$ME
ALL.
THAT A$!'T !O &R$ME
ROCKY.
THE S8OR" O% "AMO&'ES $S HA!$! O-ER M) HEA"
ALL.
THAT A$!'T !O &R$ME
ROCKY.
A!" $'-E OT THE %EE'$! THAT SOMEO!E'S O$! TO BE
&UTT$! THE THREA"
ALL.
THAT A$!'T !O &R$ME
ROCKY.
OH 8OE $S ME , M) '$%E $S A M)STER)
OH &A!'T )OU SEE THAT $'M AT THE START
O% A +RETT) B$ "O8!ER
ALL.
SHA 'A 'A 'A THAT A$!'T !O &R$ME
SHA 'A 'A 'A THAT A$!'T !O &R$ME
SHA 'A 'A 'A THAT A$!'T !O &R$ME
THAT A$!'T !O &R$ME
SHA 'A 'A 'A THAT A$!'T !O &R$ME
SHA 'A 'A 'A THAT A$!'T !O &R$ME
>SHA 'A 'A 'A THAT A$!'T !O &R$ME?
THAT A$!'T !O &R$ME
SHA 'A 'A
(Son" ends.)
FRANK. 8ell really , /ha/'s no 0ay /o beha:e on your 6irs/ day ou/.
ROCKY. 8ell nobody's 7er6ec/ , Bu/ $ do /hink you made a 7re//y 1ood ;ob o6 /he body 0ork.
FRANK. )ou are /he resul/ o6 many hours o6 /oil , and no0 my beau/i6ul crea/ure you're ready
6or /he ul/ima/e /es/.
ROCKY. Oh dear.
FRANK. Bu/ 6irs/ mee/ /he 6amily. 8ell Ri66 Ra66 0ha/ do you /hink@
RIFF RAFF. He's a credi/ /o my/your 1enius.
FRANK. Ma1en/a@
MAGENTA. A /rium7h o6 /he 0ill.
FRANK. 8ha/ do you /hink &olumbia@
COLUMBIA. He's O(.
FRANK. O(A $ /hink 0e can do be//er /han /ha/. 8ell, Brad and #ane/, 0ha/ do you /hink@
JANET. $ don'/ like men 0i/h /oo many muscles.
FRANK. $ didn'/ make him 6or you. He carries /he &harles A/las seal o6 a77ro:al. Maes/ro ...
[Song: "I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN"]
FRANK.
A 8EA('$! 8E$H$! DE +OU!"S
ETS SA!" $! H$S %A&E 8HE! ($&(E"
TO THE ROU!"
A!" SOO! $! THE )M
8$TH A "ETERM$!E" &H$!
THE S8EAT %ROM H$S +ORES
AS HE 8OR(S %OR H$S &AUSE
8$'' MA(E H$M '$STE! A!" 'EAM
A!" 8$TH MASSAE A!" #UST A B$T O% STEAM
HE''' BE +$!( BUT <U$TE &'EA!
HE''' BE A STRO! MA!
ALL.
BUT THE 8RO! MA!
FRANK.
HE''' EAT !UTR$T$OUS H$H,+ROTE$!
A!" S8A''O8 RA8 ES
TR) TO BU$'" U+ H$S SHOU'"ERS
&HEST, ARMS A!" 'ES
SU&H A! E%%ORT
$% O!') HE (!E8 O% M) +'A!
8HE! $! #UST SE-E! "A)S
$ &A! MA(E )OU A MA!
HE''' "O +RESS U+S A!" &H$! U+S
THE S!AT&H &'EA! A!" #ER(
")!AM$& TE!S$O!
MUST BE A8%U'') HAR" 8OR(
SU&H STRE!UOUS '$-$!
$ #UST "O!'T U!"ERSTA!"
8HE! $! #UST SE-E! "A)S
$ &A! MA(E )OU A MA!
COLUMBIA. EddieA
(A co+e machine is re&ea$ed. E((/E is inside.)
[Song: "HOT PATOOTIE"]
EDDIE.
8HATE-ER HA++E!E" TO SATUR"A) !$HT
8HE! )OU "RESSE" U+ SHAR+ A!" )OU %E'T A'R$HT
$T "O!'T SEEM THE SAME S$!&E &OSM$& '$HT
&AME $!TO M) '$%E A!" $ THOUHT $ 8AS "$-$!E
$ USE" TO O %OR A R$"E 8$TH A &H$&( 8HO'" O
A!" '$STE! TO THE MUS$& O! THE RA"$O
A SA9O+HO!E 8AS B'O8$! O! A RO&( A!" RO'' SHO8
A!" )OU &'$MBE" $! THE BA&( A!" )OU REA'') HA"
A OO" T$ME
ALL.
HOT +ATOOT$E B'ESS M) SOU'
$ REA'') 'O-E THAT RO&( A!" RO''
HOT +ATOOT$E B'ESS M) SOU'
$ REA'') 'O-E THAT RO&( A!" RO''
HOT +ATOOT$E B'ESS M) SOU'
$ REA'') 'O-E THAT RO&( A!" RO''
HOT +ATOOT$E B'ESS M) SOU'
$ REA'') 'O-E THAT RO&( A!" RO''
EDDIE.
M) HEA" USE" TO S8$M %ROM THE +ER%UME $ SME'T
M) HA!"S ($!" O% %UMB'E" 8$TH HER 8H$TE +'AST$& BE'T
$'" TASTE HER BAB) +$!( '$+ST$&( A!" THAT'S 8HE! $'" ME'T
A!" SHE'" 8H$S+ER $! M) EAR TO!$HT SHE REA'') 8AS M$!E
ET BA&( $! %RO!T A!" +UT SOME HA$R O$' O!
BU"") HO'') 8AS S$!$! H$S -ER) 'AST SO!
8$TH )OUR ARM ROU!" )OUR $R' )OU'" TR) TO S$! A'O!
)OU %E'T +RETT) OO" '&AUSE )OU'" REA'') HA" A OO" T$ME
ALL.
HOT +ATOOT$E B'ESS M) SOU'
$ REA'') 'O-E THAT RO&( A!" RO''
HOT +ATOOT$E B'ESS M) SOU'
$ REA'') 'O-E THAT RO&( A!" RO''
HOT +ATOOT$E B'ESS M) SOU'
$ REA'') 'O-E THAT RO&( A!" RO''
HOT +ATOOT$E B'ESS M) SOU'
$ REA'') 'O-E THAT RO&( A!" RO''
HOT +ATOOT$E B'ESS M) SOU'
$ REA'') 'O-E THAT RO&( A!" RO''
HOT +ATOOT$E B'ESS M) SOU'
$ REA'') 'O-E THAT RO&( A!" RO''
HOT +ATOOT$E B'ESS M) SOU'
$ REA'') 'O-E THAT RO&( A!" RO''
HOT +ATOOT$E B'ESS M) SOU'
$ REA'') 'O-E THAT RO&( A!" RO''
(E((/E is forced #ac+ into container.)
(0RAN4 +i$$s him &io$ent$y.)
(CO.U'/A is distrau"ht.)
FRANK. One 6rom /he :aul/s. (He transforms her mood.) &olumbia
ROCKY. 8hy do you kee7 him in /here@ He's so u1ly.
FRANK. A cer/ain nai:e charm. Bu/ no muscle. 8e had a men/al rela/ionshi7 ,
[Song: "I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN" con!n"#$]
FRANK.
BUT A "E'TO$" A!" A B$&E+
A HOT RO$! A!" A TR$&E+
MA(ES ME SHA(E
MA(ES ME 8A!T TO TA(E
&HAR'ES AT'AS B) THE HA!"
PHANTOMS.
$! #UST SE-E! "A)S $ &A! MA(E )OU A MA!
FRANK.
$ "O!'T 8A!T !O "$SSE!S$O!
#UST ")!AM$& TE!S$O!
JANET.
$'M A MUS&'E %A!
ALL.
$! #UST SE-E! "A)S $ &A! MA(E )OU A MA!
FRANK.
"$ $T $% )OU &A!
ALL.
$! #UST SE-E! "A)S $ &A! MA(E )OU A MA!
('and -$ays 3!E((/N1 ARCH3.)
(A1ENTA and CO.U'/A "i&e 0RAN4 a #ou?uet and &ei$.)
(PHANTOS throw confetti.)
(!eddin" -rocession ta+es -$ace.)
(0RAN4 throws the #ou?uet.)
(R/00 RA00 catches it.)
(Curtain)
END OF ACT I
ACT II
ENTRAC
(NARRATOR enters on $ast #ar of 3Time !ar-3.)
NARRATOR. 8elcome back, (/nsert City.). "o 7ay a//en/ion. There are /hose 0ho say li6e is
an illusion , And reali/y as 0e kno0 i/, is merely a 6i1men/ o6 our ima1ina/ions. $6 /his is so, Brad
and #ane/ are Cui/e sa6e. Bu/ , /here are some 0ho ha:e a 6ar more 7hysical 7hiloso7hy , /hose 0ho
0ould s/o7 a/ no/hin1 /o sa/is6y /heir base desires , $/ could be /ha/ Brad and #ane/ are amon1 /hose
0ho hold /he de:il's reins.
Scene Five
"JANET'S ROOM"
(5oices in '$ac+out.)
(Action in #oth scenes shou$d #e e,act$y the same.)
JANET'S. Oh Brad , Oh )es , )es my darlin1 , 8ha/ i6 ,
BRAD'S. $/'s all ri1h/ #ane/ , e:ery/hin1's 1oin1 /o be all ri1h/.
JANET'S. Oh $ ho7e so my darlin1. $'m so 6ri ... (.i"hts u-. Scene -$ayed in si$houette.) )ouA
FRANK. $'m a6raid so #ane/ bu/ 0asn'/ i/ nice ...
JANET. )ou beas/ , you mons/er , 0ha/ ha:e you done 0i/h Brad@
FRANK. Mmm , no/hin1 , 0hy, do you /hink $ should@
JANET. )ou /ricked me , $ 0ouldn'/ ha:e , $':e ne:er , Oh my od , ne:er.
(0RAN4 remo&es condom and throws it away.)
FRANK. $ kno0 , bu/ i/ 0asn'/ all bad 0as i/@ !o/ really e:en hal6 bad , in 6ac/, $ /hink 7erha7s
you 6ound i/ Cui/e , 7leasurable , Mmm , so so6/ so , sensual.
JANET. Ahh , no , s/o7 , $ mean hel7 , $ , Brad , Ohhh , Brad.
FRANK. Shh. Brad's 7robably aslee7 by no0 , do you 0an/ him /o see you like /his@
JANET. 'ike /his@ 'ike ho0@
FRANK. 'ike /his.
JANET. $/'s your 6aul/, you're /o blame ... $ 0as , sa:in1 mysel6.
FRANK. 8ell $'m sure you're no/ s7en/ ye/ and i/ 0as an en;oyable e47erience 0as i/
no/@ (.i"hts dim.) )ou did like i/ didn'/ you@ There's no crime in 1i:in1 yoursel6 o:er /o 7leasure , is
/here@ 8e could /ry 6or an ac/ion re7lay , Oh #ane/ you':e 0as/ed so much /ime already , Brad
needn'/ kno0. $ 0on'/ /ell him, Mmmm.
('$ac+out)
JANET. Are you sure you 0on'/ /ell him. Ohhh ...
Scene Six
"BRAD'S ROOM"
(5oices in #$ac+out.)
JANET'S. Oh Brad , Oh yes , )es my darlin1, bu/ 0ha/ i6 ...
BRAD'S. $/'s all ri1h/ #ane/ e:ery/hin1's 1oin1 /o be all ri1h/.
JANET'S. $ ho7e so my darlin1.
(.i"hts u-.)
(Scene -$ayed in si$houette.)
BRAD. )ouA
FRANK. $'m a6raid so Brad , bu/ 0asn'/ i/ nice ...
BRAD. )ou 6iend, you scoundrel , 8ha/ ha:e you done 0i/h #ane/@
FRANK. Mmm , no/hin1 , 0hy, do you /hink $ should@
BRAD. )ou /ricked me, $ 0ouldn'/ ha:e , $':e ne:er , Oh my od , ne:er.
(0RAN4 remo&es condom from 'RA(.)
FRANK. $ kno0 , bu/ i/ 0asn'/ all bad 0as i/@ !o/ really e:en hal6 bad, in 6ac/, $ /hink you
6ound i/ Cui/e 7leasurable , Oh so so6/ , so sensual.
BRAD. Ah , Hel7 , !o , s/o7. $ mean , #ane/ , Ohh , #ane/.
FRANK. Shh , #ane/'s 7robably aslee7 by no0 , "o you 0an/ her /o see you like /his@
BRAD. 'ike /his , like ho0 ,
FRANK. 'ike /his.
BRAD. $/'s your 6aul/. )ou're /o blame , $ /hou1h/ i/ 0as /he real /hin1.
FRANK. Oh come on Brad admi/ i/. $/ 0as en;oyable 0asn'/ i/@ )ou liked i/ didn'/ you@ There's
no crime in 1i:in1 yoursel6 o:er /o 7leasure ,is /here@ (.i"hts dim.) 8e could /ry 6or an ac/ion
re7lay. Oh Brad you':e 0as/ed so much /ime already , #ane/ needn'/ kno0. $ 0on'/ /ell her , Mmm ...
('$ac+out)
BRAD. Are you sure you 0on'/ /ell her , Ohhh ...
RIFF RAFF. (On intercom.) Mas/er , The labora/ory is em7/y. Rocky has :anished , /he ne0
7layma/e is loose and some0here in /he buildin1.
FRANK. Oh , 8o0 , 8ha/ a , Mmm , Oh , &omin1.
Scene Seven
LABORATORY
(Enter )ANET.)
JANET. 8ha/'s ha77enin1 here , 8here's Brad@ , 8here's anybody@ $6 only 0e hadn'/ made
/his ;ourney , i6 only /he car hadn'/ broken do0n , i6 only 0e 0ere amon1s/ 6riends or sane 7ersons.
NARRATOR. $6 and only , /0o small 0ords /ha/ ke7/ re7ea/in1 /hemsel:es a1ain and a1ain in
#ane/'s /hou1h/s, bu/ i/ 0as /oo la/e /o 1o back no0 , i/ 0as as i6 she 0ere ridin1 a 1ian/ /idal 0a:e, i/
0ould be 6olly /o 6i1h/ a1ains/ i/ , her only chance 0ould be /o ride i/ ou/ , ada-t , and 7erha7s also ,
sur:i:e.
(Enter ROC4>.)
ROCKY. OhA $/'s you , look $'m /ryin1 /o hide 6rom my crea/or and his minion , /hey scare
me % $ 6eel /ha/ all is no/ 0ell here. $ ha:e been /hinkin1 a lo/ abou/ , >Eddie? $ ha:e a 6eelin1 o6
6orebodin1.
JANET. $/'s all like some /errible dream.
ROCKY. $s i/ /rue you don'/ like men 0i/h /oo many muscles@
JANET. 8ell ...
ROCKY. Ha:e you 1o/ any li7 1loss@
JANET. $'m en1a1ed /o Brad, ;us/ /he same as Be//y Munroe 0as /o Ral6 Ha7sha//. Bu/ %rank's
kisses o:er0helmed me 0i/h an ecs/asy $ had ne:er dreamed o6 be6ore , ho/ burnin1 kisses , $ could
see Brad's 6ace be6ore me, and my mind screamed , !oA , bu/ my li7s 0ere hun1ry, /oo hun1ry , $
0an/ed /o be lo:ed, and lo:ed com7le/ely , my body /hrobbed e4ci/edly , Oh Brad, Brad my darlin1
ho0 could $ ha:e done /his /o you.
ROCKY. This room is a 0omb /o me.
JANET. )es , /here you see, i/'s ins/inc/i:e , you re/urned here 6or one /hin1 , securi/y. Oh
0here's Brad , @ (She fidd$es with T5 monitor.) 8ha/ ha:e /hey done 0i/h him@
NARRATOR. #ane/'s 6eelin1s ran 0ild as she 6ran/ically mani7ula/ed /he selec/or s0i/ch on
/he T- moni/or , The screen /hre0 u7 ima1es o6 em7/y rooms and corridors , 6inally she s/o77ed , a/
%rank's bedroom.
(Sees 0RAN4 +issin" 'RA(.)
JANET. AaahhhA
NARRATOR. AaahhhA
ROCKY. Oh, you can'/ rely on anyone.
JANET. Oh BradA , Ho0 could you@
(They a$$ #end o&er tryin" to wor+ out -osition on screen.)
NARRATOR. $6 one is su66erin1 6rom /he 7an1s o6 remorse 6or a se4ual indiscre/ion , i/ 0ould
seem lo1ical /ha/ /he /rans1ressor 0ould be sym7a/he/ic /o0ard a lo:ed one cau1h/ commi//in1 a
similar misdemeanor , Bu/ emo/ion is an irra/ional and 7o0er6ul mas/er , and 6rom 0ha/ #ane/
0i/nessed on /he moni/or , /here seemed li//le doub/ /ha/ she 0as indeed i/s sla:e.
(A1ENTA and CO.U'/A enter and watch ?uiet$y.)
MAGENTA & COLUMBIA. Tell us abou/ i/ #ane/.
[Song: "TOUCH%A TOUCH%A TOUCH ME"]
JANET.
$ 8AS %EE'$! "O!E $!
&OU'"!'T 8$!
$'" O!') E-ER ($SSE" BE%ORE
MAGENTA & COLUMBIA.
)OU MEA! SHE'" O!') E-ER ($SSE"
JANET.
AHA
$ THOUHT THERE'S !O USE ETT$!
$!TO HEA-) +ETT$!
$T O!') 'EA"S TO TROUB'E
A!" SEAT 8ETT$!
!O8 A'' $ 8A!T TO (!O8
$S HO8 TO O
$'-E TASTE" B'OO" A!" $ 8A!T MORE.
MAGENTA & COLUMBIA.
MORE, MORE, MORE
JANET.
$''' +UT U+ !O RES$STA!&E
$ 8A!T TO STA) THE "$STA!&E
$'-E OT A! $T&H TO S&RAT&H
A!" $ !EE" ASS$STA!&E
(CHORUS)
TOU&H,A TOU&H,A TOU&H,A,TOU&H ME
$ 8A!T TO BE "$RT)
THR$'' ME &H$'' ME %U'%$'' ME
&REATURE O% THE !$HT
THE! $% A!)TH$! RO8S
8HE! )OU +OSE
$''' O$' )OU U+ A!" RUB )OU "O8!
MAGENTA & COLUMBIA.
"O8!, "O8!, "O8!
A!" THAT'S #UST O!E SMA'' %RA&T$O!
O% THE MA$! ATTRA&T$O!
)OU !EE" A %R$E!"') HA!"
A!" $ !EE" A&T$O!
JANET.
TOU&H,A TOU&H,A TOU&H,A,TOU&H ME
$ 8A!T TO BE "$RT)
THR$'' ME &H$'' ME %U'%$'' ME
&REATURE O% THE !$HT
TOU&H,A TOU&H,A TOU&H,A,TOU&H ME
$ 8A!T TO BE "$RT)
THR$'' ME &H$'' ME %U'%$'' ME
&REATURE O% THE !$HT
TOU&H,A TOU&H,A TOU&H,A,TOU&H ME
$ 8A!T TO BE "$RT)
THR$'' ME &H$'' ME %U'%$'' ME
&REATURE O% THE !$HT
&REATURE O% THE !$HT
&REATURE O% THE !$HT
('$ac+out)
Scene Eight
(R/00 RA00 enters f$eein" from 0RAN4.)
(He runs toward A1ENTA.)
RIFF RAFF. Aaa111hhhA , MercyA Mas/er
FRANK. (!ith whi-.) Ho0 did i/ ha77en , $ unders/ood you 0ere /o be 0a/chin1.
RIFF RAFF. $ 0as only a0ay 6or a momen/, Mas/er ...
FRANK. See i6 you can 6ind him on /he moni/or. Oh Ma1en/a. Oh Rocky. Oh Rocky. Oh Rocky.
(C$ic+ % 'RA(8s em-ty room % switch % switch % switch % )ANET8s room.)
RIFF RAFF. $':e loca/ed him in /he 6emale's Cuar/ers, Mas/er.
FRANK. RockyA $ /hink $'m 1oin1 /o ...
(0RAN4 faints.)
RIFF RAFF. %ain/.
MAGENTA. Mas/er.
(They $au"h as they carry him off.)
BRAD. (Enters* sees T5.) #ane/A Ho0 could she@ Tha/'s i/ , i/'s o:er.
NARRATOR. O&er9 8ha/ 0as o:er@ !o/ /he ni1h/ /ha/ 0as cer/ain. Brad and #ane/'s
en1a1emen/@ Their lo:e 6or one ano/her@ 8ho could say , 6or Cues/ions such as /hese are no/ /o be
ans0ered by /he academic, /hey mus/ be le6/ 6or /he hear/ /o sol:e and Brad you may be sure, had
7len/y o6 hear/.
[Song: "ONCE IN A WHILE"]
BRAD.
O!&E $! A 8H$'E
SHE "O!'T 8A!T TO &A'' )OU
S+EA($! O! THE TE'E+HO!E
A!" O!&E $! )OUR '$%E
SHE "O!'T 8A!T TO (!O8 )OU
)OU 'OO( AROU!"
THE O!E )OU %OU!"
SHE $S O!E
NARRATOR.
HUMM$!AH HUMM$!AH HUMM$!AH HUMM$!AH HUM
(PHANTOS a--ear as #ac+%u- sin"ers dressed as )ANET.)
BRAD.
A!" THAT'S A'' THE T$ME
THAT $T TA(ES
%OR A HEART TO TUR! TO STO!E
THE S8EETER THE 8$!E
THE HAR"ER TO MA(E THE BREA(
)OU HEAR SOMETH$!
ABOUT SOMEO!E )OU THOUHT )OU'" (!O8!
SO BAB) "O!'T &R)
'$(E THERE'S !O TOMORRO8
A%TER THE !$HT THERE'S BRA!" !E8 "A)
A!" THERE''' BE !O +A$!
A!" !O MORE SORRO8
SO 8ASH )OUR %A&E
A!" +HO!E M) +'A&E. $T''' BE O(A)
A!" THAT'S A'' THE T$ME
THAT $T TA(ES
%OR A HEART TO BEAT AA$!
SO $-E ME A S$!
THAT A 'O-ER MA(ES
)OU 'OO( AROU!" THE O!E
%OU!" $S BA&( AA$! ... $S BA&( AA$!
PHANTOMS.
$S BA&( AA$!
BRAD & PHANTOMS.
$S BA&( AA$!
$S BA&( AA$!
$S BA&( AA$!
$S BA&( AA$!
BRAD.
$S BA&( AA$!
(0RAN4 and R/00 RA00 enter.)
FRANK. Ho0 maudlin , ho0 7a/he/ic , )our ba11a1e has dared /o de6ile my beau/i6ul crea/ure
, Oh Rocky ho0 could you@
RIFF RAFF. (0idd$es with T5 monitor.) Mas/er , 0e ha:e a :isi/or.
FRANK. Oh shi/.
BRAD. rea/ Sco// , Sco//y , "r. E:re// Sco//.
RIFF RAFF. )ou kno0 /his ear/h ,
(0RAN4 sto-s R/00 RA00.)
FRANK. This 7erson.
BRAD. )es, $ do. He's an old 6riend o6 mine.
FRANK. $ see , so /his 0asn'/ sim7ly a chance mee/in1 , you came here 0i/h a 7ur7ose.
BRAD. Tha/'s no/ /rue , my car broke do0n , $ /old you.
FRANK. $ kno0 0ha/ you /old me, Brad , bu/ /his "r. E:re// Sco//, his name is no/ unkno0n /o
me.
BRAD. He 0as a science /eacher a/ "en/on Hi1h.
FRANK. And no0 he 0orks 6or your o:ernmen/ , doesn'/ he, Brad@ He's a//ached /o /he
bureau o6 /he in:es/i1a/ion o6 /ha/ 0hich you call U%O's , /ha/'s ri1h/, isn'/ i/, Brad@
BRAD. He mi1h/ be , $ don'/ kno0.
RIFF RAFF. The in/ruder is en/erin1 /he buildin1, Mas/er.
FRANK. Ah he's in /he Fen room. Seal o66 all e4i/s , and all doors , e4ce7/ 6or /hose /ha/ lead
here , Ri66 Ra66 , brin1 Rocky and #ane/ here , $ /hink 0e should make /his a social occasion. The
/hree une47ec/ed 1ues/s shall en/er/ain us 0i/h a 6loor sho0 , 0hich $ shall direc/.
(0RAN4 ma+es a si"na$ and door o-ens re&ea$in" (R. SCOTT.)
Scene Nine
(Enter (OCTOR SCOTT in whee$chair , CO.U'/A -ushin" him.)
COLUMBIA. Hi , Ho , Sil:er.
BRAD. "r. Sco//A
SCOTTY. Brad , 0ha/ are you doin1 here@
FRANK. "on'/ 7lay 1ames, "r. Sco//. $/ 0as 7ar/ o6 your 7lan, 0as i/ no/, /ha/ Brad Ma;ors and
his 6emale should check /he layou/ 6or you , un6or/una/ely 6or you all /here is /o be a chan1e o6 7lans
, $'m sure you're ada7/able, "r. Sco// , $ kno0 Brad is.
SCOTTY. $ can assure you /ha/ Brad's 7resence here comes as a com7le/e sur7rise /o me. As
does /he se/ u7 you ha:e here , $ didn'/ e47ec/ i/ /o be Cui/e so ...
(He "oes to ins-ect $a#oratory.)
FRANK. So7his/ica/ed , "r. Sco//@ Or should $ say "r. -on Sco//@
BRAD. 8ha/ e4ac/ly are you im7lyin1@
SCOTTY. They didn'/ 7ro:e no/hinkA Ah , /his machine here ...
BRAD. 8ha/ do you /hink i/ is, "oc@
SCOTTY. A/ /his 7recise momen/ i/'s hard /o /ell , bu/ i/ seems /o be made o6 a me/al /ha/ is no/
o6 /his ear/h , $ 0ould say i/ 0as 6rom ano/her 7lane/.
()ANET and ROC4> are re&ea$ed in $a#.)
(The fo$$owin" dia$o"ue shou$d #e re-eated e,act$y the same each time.)
JANET. BradA
SCOTTY. #ane/A
FRANK. RockyA
JANET. "r. Sco//A BradA
SCOTTY. #ane/A
FRANK. RockyA
JANET. "r. Sco//A BradA
SCOTTY. #ane/A
FRANK. RockyA
JANET. "r. Sco//A
FRANK. Oh Rocky. Oh RockyA
ROCKY. +iss o66.
FRANK. 'is/en , $ made him and $ can break him ;us/ as easily , $'ll 7ull his 7lu1 ou/.
SCOTTY. $ su77ose you in/end /o do 0i/h us as you did 6or Eddie.
PHANTOMS. SshhA
COLUMBIA. EddieA
MAGENTA & RIFF RAFF. SshhA
BRAD. Eddie , $':e seen him, he looks /errible.
PHANTOMS. SshhA
FRANK. 8ha/ do you kno0 o6 Eddie, "r. Sco//@
SCOTTY. $ ha77en /o kno0 a 1rea/ deal abou/ a lo/ o6 /hin1s , you see Eddie ha77ens /o be my
ne7he0.
BRAD. "r. Sco//A
SCOTTY. )es, Brad , my sis/er's boy. $ kne0 he 0as in 0i/h a bad cro0d, bu/ i/ 0as 0orse /han
$ ima1ined , aliens.
BRAD. Tell /hem, "oc.
[Song: "EDDIE&S TEDDY"]
SCOTTY.
%ROM THE "A) HE 8AS BOR!, HE 8AS TROUB'E
HE 8AS THE THOR! $! H$S MOTHER'S S$"E
SHE TR$E" $! -A$!
NARRATOR.
BUT HE !E-ER &AUSE" HER !OTH$! BUT +A$!
SCOTTY.
HE 'E%T HOME THE "A) SHE "$E" E$! S8E$ TRE$
%ROM THE "A) SHE 8AS O!E
A'' HE 8A!TE"
8AS A RO&($!' RO'' +OR! A!" A MOTOR B$(E
SHOOT$!' U+ #U!(
NARRATOR.
HE 8AS A 'O8 "O8! &HEA+ '$TT'E +U!(
SCOTTY.
TA($! E-ER)O!E %OR A R$"E
ALL.
8HE! E""$E SA$" HE "$"!'T '$(E H$S TE"")
)OU (!E8 HE 8AS A !O OO" ($"
BUT 8HE! HE THREATE!E" )OUR '$%E
8$TH A S8$T&H B'A"E (!$%E
FRANK.
8HAT A U)
COLUMBIA.
MA"E )OU &R)
SCOTTY.
A!" $ "$"
COLUMBIA.
E-ER)BO") SHO-E" H$M
$ -ER) !EAR') 'O-E" H$M
$ SA) HE) '$STE! TO ME
STA) SA!E $!S$"E $!SA!$T)
BUT HE 'O&(E" THE "OOR A!" THRE8 A8A) THE (E)
SCOTTY.
BUT HE MUST HA-E BEE! "RA8! $!TO SOMETH$!
MA($! H$M 8AR! ME $! A !OTE 8H$&H REA"
ALL.
8HAT'S $T SA), 8HAT'S $T SA)@
SCOTTY.
$'M OUT O% M) HEA"
NARRATOR.
HURR) OR $ MA) BE "EA"
SCOTTY.
THE) MUST!'T &ARR) OUT THE$R E-$' "EE"S
ALL.
8HE! E""$E SA$" HE "$"!'T '$(E H$S TE"")
)OU (!E8 HE 8AS A !O OO" ($"
BUT 8HE! HE THREATE!E" )OUR '$%E
8$TH A S8$T&H B'A"E (!$%E
8HE! E""$E SA$" HE "$"!'T '$(E H$S TE"")
)OU (!E8 HE 8AS A !O OO" ($"
BUT 8HE! HE THREATE!E" )OUR '$%E
8$TH A S8$T&H B'A"E (!$%E
FRANK.
8HAT A U)
SCOTTY.
MA(ES )OU &R)
COLUMBIA.
A!" $ "$"
ALL.
HE) HE) HE)
FRANK.
8HAT A U)
SCOTTY.
MA(ES )OU &R)
COLUMBIA.
A!" $ "$"
ALL.
HE) HE) HE)
FRANK.
8HAT A U)
SCOTTY.
MA(ES )OU &R)
COLUMBIA.
A!" $ "$"
ALL.
)EAH )EAH )EAH
FRANK.
8HAT A U)
COLUMBIA.
MA(ES )OU &R)
SCOTTY.
A!" SHE "$"
ALL.
)ES SHE "$"
SCOTTY & COLUMBIA.
A!" 8E "$"
ALL.
)ES 8E "$"
E""$E
FRANK. Say a 7rayer 6or Eddie, $ ;us/ de6ros/ed him. (He -u$$s out a #a" of #$ood and
"ore.) His des/iny is in /he ba1.
BRAD. 8hy you ...
FRANK. (0$ic+s a switch.) There, /ha/ should res/rain you all. Ma1en/a.
(He ho$ds out the #a".)
MAGENTA. $'ll 7u/ him do0n /he 0as/e dis7osal.
FRANK. &le:er 1irl.
JANET. My 6ee/ , /here's some/hin1 0ron1 0i/h my 6ee/.
SCOTTY. My 0heelsA My odA $ can'/ mo:e my 0heels.
BRAD. $/'s as i6 0e're 1lued /o /he s7o/.
FRANK. )ou are, so Cuake 0i/h 6ear you /iny 6ools , O.(. i/'s s/ar/ime , Ri66 Ra66 se/ /he sonic
/ransducer on 7ro1ram E secure all le:els a/ Gero ,
MAGENTA. Rela4.
SCOTTY. )ou 0on'/ 6ind ear/h 7eo7le Cui/e /he easy mark /ha/ you ima1ine , /his sonic
/ransducerA $/ is $ su77ose some /y7e o6 audio :ibra/ory 7hysiomolecular /rans7or/ de:iceA
FRANK. )ou'd be//er belie:e i/, baby.
BRAD. )ou mean ... @
SCOTTY. )es, Brad , i/'s some/hin1 0e oursel:es ha:e been 0orkin1 on. Bu/ i/ seems our
6riend here has 6ound a 0ay o6 7er6ec/in1 i/ , a de:ice /ha/ is ca7able o6 breakin1 do0n solid ma//er
and /hen 7ro;ec/in1 i/ /hrou1h s7ace and 0ho kno0s, 7erha7s e:en /ime i/sel6.
JANET. )ou mean he's 1oin1 /o send us /o ano/her 7lane/@
[Song: "PLANET SCHMANET % WISE UP JANET WEISS"]
FRANK.
+'A!ET,SHMA!ET #A!ET
TE'' )OU O!&E
8O!'T TE'' )OU T8$&E
)OU'" BETTER 8$SE U+ #A!ET 8E$SS
)'A++'E +$E
"O!'T TASTE TOO !$&E
)OU'" BETTER 8$SE U+ #A!ET 8E$SS
$'-E 'A$" THE SEE"
$T SHOU'" BE A'' )OU !EE"
)OU'RE AS SE!SUA'
AS A +E!&$'
8OU!" U+ '$(E A! 'E' OR %$RST STR$!
8HE! 8E MA"E $T
"$" #A HEAR A BE'' R$!@
)'OT A B'O&(
TA(E M) A"-$&E
)OU'" BETTER 8$SE U+ #A!ET 8E$SS
THE TRA!S"U&ER
8$'' SE"U&E )AH
$T'S SOMETH$! )OU''' ET USE" TO
A ME!TA' M$!",%U&( &A! BE !$&E
)OU'" BETTER 8$SE U+ , #A!ET 8E$SS
)OU'" BETTER 8$SE U+
BU$'" )OUR TH$HS U+
)OU'" BETTER 8$SE U+
NARRATOR.
A!" THE! SHE &R$ES OUT
JANET.
STO+A
FRANK.
"O!'T ET HOT A!" %'USTERE"
USE A B$T O% MUSTAR"
(0RAN4 si"na$s A1ENTA who -u$$s switch and re$eases them as R/00 RA00 s-rays them.
CO.U'/A ta+es them offsta"e.)
ALL.
)OU'RE A HOT "O
BUT )OU'" BETTER !OT TR) TO HURT HER
%RA!( %URTER
('RA( is ta+en off #y CO.U'/A.)
)OU'RE A HOT "O
BUT )OU'" BETTER !OT TR) TO HURT HER
%RA!( %URTER
(SCOTT> is ta+en off.)
)OU'RE A HOT "O
BUT )OU'" BETTER !OT TR) TO HURT HER
%RA!( %URTER
()ANET and ROC4> are ta+en off.)
)OU'RE A HOT "O
BUT )OU'" BETTER !OT TR) TO HURT HER
%RA!( %URTER
MAGENTA. (On her own.)
)OU'RE A HOT "O
BUT )OU'" BETTER !OT TR) TO HURT HER
%RA!( %URTER
FRANK.
MAE!TA, RE'A9
MAGENTA.
)OU'RE A HOT "O
BUT )OU'" BETTER !OT TR) TO HURT HER
%RA!( %URTER
(R/00 RA00 s-rays her. She sto-s dramatica$$y.)
FRANK. &olumbia , /he ar/is/es are in a molecular s/a/e some0here be/0een en/rance and
e4i/. 8hen /hey':e 7ulled /hemsel:es /o1e/her , see /ha/ /hey are 7re7ared 6or /he 6loorsho0.
(CO.U'/A f$i-s.)
COLUMBIA. My odA $ can'/ /ake any more o6 /his. %irs/ you di/ch me 6or Eddie and /hen you
/hro0 him o66 like an old o:ercoa/ 6or Rocky. )ou che0 7eo7le u7 and /hen you s7i/ /hem ou/ a1ain.
$ lo:ed you, do you hear@ $ lo:ed you, and 0ha/ did $ 1e/@ $'ll /ell you, a bi1 6a/ no/hin1. )ou're like a
s7on1e, you /ake, /ake, /ake and drain o/hers o6 /heir a66ec/ion. 8ell, $':e had i/, $'m ou/ o6 here, and
$ mean. (R/00 RA00 s-rays her.) Oh 0o0 , $ di1 /ha/ , i/'s 0icked, i/'s a 1as , $'m 1roo:y $'m hi7,
man , i/'s like a /ri7 , ah, 0o0, my od , 6reak ou/ baby , di1 you la/er.
(She e,its.)
FRANK. $/'s no/ easy ha:in1 a 1ood /ime , e:en smilin1 makes my 6ace ache , and my children
/urn on me , Rocky's beha:in1 ;us/ as Eddie did , maybe $ made a mis/ake in s7li//in1 his brain
be/0een /he /0o o6 /hem.
MAGENTA. 8hen do 0e re/urn /o Transyl:ania@ , $ 1ro0 0eary o6 /his 0orld.
FRANK. Ma1en/a $ am indeed 1ra/e6ul /o bo/h you and your bro/her Ri66 Ra66 , you ha:e bo/h
ser:ed me 0ell , loyal/y such as yours mus/ be re0arded, and you 0ill disco:er /ha/ 0hen /he mood
/akes me, $ can be Cui/e 1enerous.
MAGENTA. $ ask 6or no/hin1, Mas/er.
FRANK. And you shall recei:e i/ in abundance , come , our 1ues/s 0ill be 1ro0in1 res/less.
(0RAN4 e,its.)
(A1ENTA and R/00 RA00 $oo+ at one another % they ma+e an e,traterrestria$ si"n.)
(Stro#e $i"ht % '$ac+out.)
(S-ot$i"ht on.)
NARRATOR. And so, by some e4/raordinary coincidence , 6a/e i/ seems had decided /ha/ Brad
and #ane/ should kee7 /ha/ a77oin/men/ 0i/h /heir 6riend "r. E:re// Sco//. Bu/, i/ 0as /o be in a
si/ua/ion 0hich none o6 /hem could ha:e 7ossibly 6oreseen , And, ;us/ a 6e0 hours a6/er announcin1
/heir en1a1emen/ Brad and #ane/ had bo/h /as/ed 6orbidden 6rui/ , This in i/sel6 0as 7roo6 /ha/ /heir
hos/ 0as a man o6 li//le morals and some 7ersuasion , 8ha/ 6ur/her indi1ni/ies 0ere /hey /o be
sub;ec/ed /o ...@ And 0ha/ o6 /he sonic /ransducer and /he 6loorsho0 /ha/ had been s7oken o6@ ,
8ha/ indeed@ , %rom 0ha/ had 1one be6ore i/ 0as clear /ha/ /his 0as /o be no 7icnic.
Scene Ten
(Each enters sin"$y throu"h s$ash curtain % wearin" #$ac+ stoc+in"s and sus-enders and #$ac+
underwear and fina$$y they #ecome a chorus $ine.)
[Song: "FLOORSHOW ' ROSE TINT MY WORLD"]
COLUMBIA.
$T 8AS REAT
8HE! $T A'' BEA!
$ 8AS A REU'AR %RA!() %A!
BUT $T 8AS O-ER 8HE! HE HA" THE +'A!
TO START 8OR($! O! A MUS&'E,MA!
!O8 THE O!') TH$! THAT $-ES ME HO+E
$S M) 'O-E O% A &ERTA$! "O+E
ROSE T$!TS M) 8OR'" (EE+S ME
SA%E %ROM M) TROUB'E A!" +A$!
ROCKY.
$'M #UST SE-E! HOURS O'"
TRU') BEAUT$%U' TO BEHO'"
A!" SOMEBO") SHOU'" BE TO'"
M) '$B$"O HAS!'T BEE! &O!TRO''E"
!O8 THE O!') TH$! $'-E &OME TO TRUST
$S A! ORASM$& RUSH O% 'UST
ROSE T$!TS M) 8OR'" (EE+S ME
SA%E %ROM M) TROUB'E A!" +A$!
BRAD.
$T'S BE)O!" ME
HE'+ ME MOMM)
$''' BE OO" )OU''' SEE
TA(E TH$S "REAM A8A)
8HAT'S TH$S, 'ET'S SEE
$ %EE' SE9)
8HAT'S &OME O-ER ME
HERE $T &OMES AA$!
JANET.
$ %EE' RE'EASE"
BA" T$MES "E&EASE"
M) &O!%$"E!&E HAS $!&REASE"
REA'$T) $S HERE
THE AME HAS BEE! "$SBA!"E"
M) M$!" HAS BEE! E9+A!"E"
$T'S A AS THAT %RA!()'S 'A!"E"
H$S 'UST $S SO S$!&ERE
('and -$ays fanfare.)
(PHANTOS enter in simi$ar costumes.)
(0RAN4 ma+es s-ectacu$ar entrance.)
FRANK.
8HATE-ER HA++E!E" TO %A) 8RA)
THAT "E'$&ATE SAT$! "RA+E" %RAME
AS $T &'U! TO HER TH$H
HO8 $ STARTE" TO &R)
%OR $ 8A!TE" TO BE "RESSE" #UST THE SAME
$-E )OURSE'% O-ER TO ABSO'UTE +'EASURE
S8$M THE 8ARM 8ATERS O% S$!S O% THE %'ESH
EROT$& !$HTMARES BE)O!" A!) MEASURE
A!" SE!SUA' "A)"REAMS TO TREASURE %ORE-ER ,
&A!'T )OU #UST SEE $T
8HOA 8HOA 8HOA
(S-o+en) "on'/ dream i/ , be i/.
ALL. (Sun")
"O!'T "REAM $T , BE $T
(They a$$ come to"ether touchin" and fond$in" one another* 0RAN4 in the centre.)
"O!'T "REAM $T , BE $T
"O!'T "REAM $T , BE $T
"O!'T "REAM $T , BE $T
"O!'T "REAM $T , BE $T
"O!'T "REAM $T , BE $T
"O!'T "REAM $T , BE $T
(SCOTT> enters s-ea+s fo$$owin" o&er $ast = chorus8 a#o&e.)
SCOTTY.
Hmm ... 8e':e 1o/ /o 1e/ ou/ o6 /his /ra7
Be6ore /his decadence sa7s our 0ills
$':e 1o/ /o be s/ron1 and /ry /o han1 on
Or my mind may 0ell sna7
And my li6e 0ill be li:ed
(SCOTT> re&ea$s stoc+in"s and hi"h hee$s.)
(Sin"s)
%OR THE THR$''S
BRAD.
$T'S BE)O!" ME
HE'+ ME MOMM)
JANET.
O" B'ESS '$'$ ST. &)R
FRANK.
M) M) M) M) M) M) M)
M) M) M) M) M) M) M)
(They a$$ form chorus $ine.)
$'M A 8$'" A!" U!TAME" TH$!
$'M A BEE 8$TH A "EA"') ST$!
ET A H$T A!" )OUR M$!" OES +$!
)OUR HEART''' THUM+
A!" )OUR B'OO" 8$'' S$!
SO 'ET THE +ART) A!" THE SOU!"S RO&( O!
O!!A SHA(E $T T$'' THE '$%E HAS O!E
ROSE T$!T M) 8OR'"
(EE+ ME SA%E %ROM M) TROUB'E A!" +A$!
ALL.
8E'RE A 8$'" A!" U!TAME" TH$!
8E ARE BEES 8$TH A "EA"') ST$!
ET A H$T A!" )OUR M$!" OES +$!
)OUR HEART''' THUM+
A!" )OUR B'OO" 8$'' S$!
SO 'ET THE +ART) A!" THE SOU!"S RO&( O!
O!!A SHA(E $T T$'' THE '$%E HAS O!E
ROSE T$!T M) 8OR'"
(EE+ ME SA%E %ROM M) TROUB'E A!" +A$!
8E'RE A 8$'" A!" U!TAME" TH$!
8E ARE BEES 8$TH A "EA"') ST$!
ET A H$T A!" )OUR M$!" OES +$!
)OUR HEART''' THUM+
A!" )OUR B'OO" 8$'' S$!
SO 'ET THE +ART) A!" THE SOU!"S RO&( O!
O!!A SHA(E $T T$'' THE '$%E HAS O!E
ROSE T$!T M) 8OR'"
(EE+ ME SA%E %ROM M) TROUB'E A!" +A$!
(R/00 RA00 and A1ENTA enter dressed in e,traterrestria$ nationa$ costume.)
RIFF RAFF.
%RA!( ! %URTER
$T'S A'' O-ER
)OUR M$SS$O! $S A %A$'URE
)OUR '$%E ST)'E'S TOO E9TREME
$'M )OUR !E8 &OMMA!"ER
)OU !O8 ARE M) +R$SO!ER
8E RETUR! TO TRA!S)'-A!$A
+RE+ARE THE TRA!S$T BEAM
(Son" ends.)
(A$$ free:e.)
FRANK. 8ai/ , $ can e47lain.
[Song: "I&M (OIN( HOME"]
(0RAN4 arran"es sta"e for ne,t num#er.)
FRANK.
O! THE "A) $ 8E!T A8A)
ALL.
OO"B)E
FRANK.
8AS A'' $ HA" TO SA)
ALL.
!O8 $
FRANK.
8A!T TO &OME AA$! A!" STA)
ALL.
OH M) M)
FRANK.
SM$'E A!" THAT 8$'' MEA! $ MA)
$'-E SEE! B'UE S($ES
THROUH THE TEARS $! M) E)ES
A!" $ REA'$FE $'M O$! HOME
ALL.
$'M O$! HOME.
FRANK.
E-ER)8HERE $T'S BEE! THE SAME
ALL.
%EE'$!
FRANK.
'$(E $'M OUTS$"E $! THE RA$!
ALL.
8HEE'$!
FRANK.
%REE TO TR) A!" %$!" A AME
ALL.
"EA'$!
FRANK.
&AR"S %OR SORRO8 &AR"S %OR +A$!
$'-E SEE! THE B'UE S($ES
THROUH THE TEARS $! M) E)ES
A!" $ REA'$FE , $'M O$! HOME
ALL.
$'M O$! HOME
$'M O$! HOME
(Son" ends.)
Scene Eleven
MAGENTA. Ho0 sen/imen/al.
RIFF RAFF. And also 7resum7/uous o6 you , you see 0hen $ said 8we8 0ere /o re/urn $ re6erred
only /o Ma1en/a and mysel6 , $'m sorry ho0e:er i6 you 6ound my 0ords misleadin1 , you see you are
/o remain here , in s7iri/ any0ay ,
(He -roduces a ray "un.)
SCOTTY. rea/ hea:ens , /ha/'s a laser.
RIFF RAFF. )es, "r. Sco//, a laser ca7able o6 emi//in1 a beam o6 7ure an/i,ma//er.
BRAD. )ou mean you're 1oin1 /o kill him@ , 8ha/'s his crime@
FRANK. Oh Brad.
SCOTTY. )ou sa0 0ha/ had become o6 Eddie , Socie/y mus/ be 7ro/ec/ed.
RIFF RAFF. E4ac/ly, "r. Sco// , !o0 %rank,n,%ur/er, your /ime has come , say 1oodbye /o all
/his , and hello /o obli:ion.
FRANK. "o your 0ors/ , in6erior one.
COLUMBIA. !oA !oA
(CO.U'/A runs to shie$d 0RAN4* she is hit.)
FRANK. "id you do /his 6or me@ (CO.U'/A nods.) Silly bi/ch.
(CO.U'/A dies.)
(0RAN4 is +i$$ed % he dies s$ow$y.)
(ROC4> is +i$$ed % R/00 has to hit him numerous times as ROC4> attem-ts to a&en"e 0RAN48S
death.)
BRAD. ood od.
RIFF RAFF. )es.
JANET. )ou':e killed /hem.
MAGENTA. $ /hou1h/ you liked /hem , /hey liked you.
RIFF RAFF. (Screams) They didn'/ like me , They ne:er liked me. )ou sa0 /he 0ay /hin1s
0ere , /he 0ay /hey 0ere 1oin1.
SCOTTY. )ou did ri1h/. (R/00 RA00 -oints "un at SCOTT>.) Oh shi/.
RIFF RAFF. A decision has /o be made.
SCOTTY. )ou're O.(. by me.
RIFF RAFF. "r. Sco// $'m sorry abou/ your ne7he0.
SCOTTY. )es , +erha7s i/'s 6or /he bes/.
RIFF RAFF. )ou should lea:e no0, "r. Sco//, 0hile i/ is s/ill 7ossible. 8e are abou/ /o beam
/he en/ire house back /o /he 7lane/ o6 /ransse4ual
MAGENTA. $n /he 1ala4y o6 Transyl:ania.
RIFF RAFF. o no0.
('RA(* )ANET and (R. SCOTT e,it.)
SCOTTY. (As they $ea&e.) #ane/, schnell ... Brad.
RIFF RAFF. Our noble mission is almos/ com7le/ed my mos/ beau/i6ul sis/er, and soon 0e
shall re/urn /o /he Moon drenched shores o6 our belo:ed 7lane/.
MAGENTA. Ah ... S0ee/ Transse4ual, 'and o6 !i1h/, /o sin1 and dance once more /o your dark
re6rain, /o /ake /ha/ s/e7 ... /o /he R$HT.
(They do so.)
RIFF RAFF. Bu/ i/'s /he 7el:ic /hrus/.
PHANTOMS. Tha/ really dri:es you insane.
(They -re-are to $ea&e.)
MAGENTA. And our 0orld 0ill do /he Time 8ar7 a1ain.
RIFF RAFF. Ac/i:a/e /he /ransi/ crys/al.
(E,-$osion. '$ac+out.)
(.i"hts u- on remains of house.)
('RA( found in s-ot$i"ht.)
[Song: "SUPER HEROES"]
BRAD.
$'-E "O!E A 'OT
O" (!O8S $'-E TR$E"
TO %$!" THE TRUTH
$'-E E-E! '$E"
BUT A'' $ (!O8
$S "O8! $!S$"E
PHANTOMS.
$'M B'EE"$!
()ANET enters.)
JANET.
A!" SU+ER HEROES
&OME TO %EAST
TO TASTE THE %'ESH
!OT )ET "E&EASE"
A!" A'' $ (!O8
$S ST$'' THE BEAST
PHANTOMS.
$S %EE"$!
AHHH AHHH
(0our times @ Chant.)
('RA( and )ANET $eft in shadowy s-ot$i"ht.)
NARRATOR.
A!" &RA8'$! O! THE +'A!ET'S %A&E
SOME $!SE&TS &A''E" THE HUMA! RA&E
'OST $! T$ME
A!" 'OST $! S+A&E
PHANTOMS.
A!" MEA!$!
(Son" ends.)
('$ac+out)
EPILOGUE
[R#)*!+#: "SCIENCE FICTION DOUBLE FEATURE"]
USHERETTE.
S&$E!&E %$&T$O! , "OUB'E %EATURE
%RA!( HAS BU$'T A!" 'OST H$S &REATURE
"AR(!ESS HAS &O!<UERE" BRA" A!" #A!ET
THE SER-A!TS O!E TO A "$STA!T +'A!ET
OH , AT THE 'ATE !$HT "OUB'E %EATURE
+$&TURE SHO8 , $ 8A!T TO O , OHH ,
TO THE 'ATE !$HT "OUB'E %EATURE +$&TURE SHO8
(R. 'ASSAN8s &oice.)
"O 'A! "OO 'A!
THE END
('$ac+out)