Bharatiya Oscars – (Bhaskar Awards) for 2008.

I wonder why we folks are so happy about Slumdog Millionaire winning so

many awards. Of course, I love the fact that Rahman finally got some
recognition. And Resul Pookutty got a foreign trip. But why are we so ecstatic
about the other awards? Isn’t it a bit like Germany celebrating the fact that
Schindler’s List swept the Oscars.

Instead, in true swadeshi style, let’s institute our own Bharatiya Oscars – The
Bhaskars. After all, in India, drama, action & comedy aren’t confined to the
movies. They are played out in glorious 3-D in all aspects of our life. So here is
my list for the 2008 Bhaskars.

Best Story – A Deputy CM demonstrates his adherence to the law by falling in

love with a former assistant advocate general. Unfortunately he already has a
wife. The Hindu lovers become a Muslim couple – Chand Mohammed & Fiza.
Once he has got into her Nikaahs, he decides to go back to his first wife. Fiza
attempts suicide, accuses him of rape, and his family of occult practices but
Chand is unmoved. He divorces her through SMS and she gets a role in a
Bollywood movie. For this fascinating saga involving politics, law, love, religion,
crime, horror, glamour & technology, the Bhaskar Award for Best Story goes to
Chander Mohan a.k.a. Chand Mohammed for “Fiza Ke Liye”.

Best Screenplay – A bunch of plutocrats indulge in a decadent auction. The

auction ends. The action begins. Chargers run out of power. Fancied teams are
Royally Challenged. Vijay Mallya sulks. Preity Zinta hugs some Kings. Shahrukh
hugs Shoaib. Vijay Mallya sulks. Cheerleaders entertain the crowds. Shiv Sena
sulks. Mumbai crowds get folk dancers instead. Harbhajan behaves like a Silly
Bhajji. Sreesanth sobs. Preity Zinta hugs him. Vijay Mallya sulks. Akshay Kumar
lands in a chopper. Set Max shows a billion ads. Shane Warne leads the most
unfancied team to the trophy. Everybody is happy. Except Mallya, that is. For a
heady cocktail of money, glamour & action and for ensuring that everybody
shamelessly played for the screen, the Bhaskar Award for Screenplay goes to Lalit
Modi for “Paisa Bhi Hota Hai”.

Best Music/Song – It was composed by the Songh Parivar and performed by

the Ram Sena. Strongly influenced by the Culture Club, it is a lilting malady. The
artists used thumping beats and indulged in serious head-banging. It played in
many pubs and hit the top of the charts on Valentines day. The Bhaskar for Best
Music goes to Pramod Muthalik for his message to youth - “Hurry Home Hurry”.

Best Actor in a Supporting Role – He didn’t want the responsibility of being

the star, but played a significant role in the development of the plot. He played
the perfect counterfoil to the government. i.e. He countered every move and
foiled every plan. For a scintillating performance in which he acted as if he
supported the government, the Bhaskar Award for Best Supporting Actor goes to
Prakash Karat for “Chowringee Lane to China.

Best Editing – A good script can completely collapse if it is not cut to

perfection. A shining example was the Olympic Telecast. An unconventional
editing technique was used whereby all interesting action was cut. The audience
had to imagine the action by seeing the prize distribution. DD, like any good
editor, took us, the audience, on an emotional rollercoaster ride. We wept when
rowing was shown instead of gymnastics. We cursed when athletics was cut in
favour of Greco-Roman wrestling. We laughed at the “expert analysis”. And we
were inspired everytime we saw Vijender punch the air to the tune of Chak De
India. Live telecast was transformed by radical editing into a dead telecast. The
Bhaskar for Best Editing goes to Doordarshan for “Dekh Sake Tho Dekh Lo”.

Best Costumes – His authority may have been loose but his collar was
buttoned. His policies rankled but his sleeve was creased. His words were
meaningless and few. For he was a man of Achkan. He faced diplomats with
polish (on his shoes) and terrorists with boldness (in his checks). For bathing us
in his sartorial splendour, the Bhaskar Award for Best Costumes goes to Shivraj
Patil for “Kapda, Kapda aur Kapda”.

Best Action – He asked for Maa Ki Dal, but got into trouble. He prayed for
Man-ki Shakti. And-drew Symonds’ rage. Everybody told him to shut up. So, like
Hellen Keller, he decided to let his hands do the talking. His opportunity came
when a team-mate showed some cheek on the field. He responded to the cheek
with some slapstick comedy. Unfortunately nobody found it funny and he had to
face a suspension with disbelief. For a resounding performance that brought tears
to the eyes of Sreesanth, the Bhaskar Award for Action goes to Harbhajan Singh
for “Thappad Phad Ke”.

Best Actor in a Leading Role – He was over 70 years old, but willing to take
up a leading role. Surrounded by friends who were actually enemies and enemies
who were actually, well, enemies, he sailed his way with indifferent elan. There
were bombs, controversies, recesisions, betrayals, and general pandemonium but
he responded to everything with studied, emotionless, underplay. A thoroughly
professional actor, he listened to every single thing, his directorji told him. For a
convincing performance of acting as if he was leading the country, The Bhaskar
Award for Best Actor in a Leading Role, goes to Manmohan for the highly
ornamental role he played in “Singh is Bling”.

Best Director – This year, the award goes to not a mere director but a
managing director. It’s a story of one man against society. Of a man who defied
conventions. A man who fought for his principles. Accounting principles, that is.
Who believed that books are not salads to be left uncooked. Who fought against
the norm that employees should have a corporeal presence. Who refused to hear
his conscience because he had some Auditory problems. It’s a saga of human
dreams that would have enraptured even Sigmund Fraud. The best director of the
year goes to Ramalinga Raju for “Scamasutra".

Best Picture – A magnum opus for which 552 villains were assembled
(unfortunately, there was no money left-over for heroes). By any stretch of
imagination it is the longest movie ever made – 5 years approximately. It’s a
movie with no story but lots of plots – devious plots. It’s a fluid script with many
actors staging walk-outs. There is no action but lot of motion(s). And commotion.
With over 500 people shouting concurrently, the audio levels were so high that
even the Speaker packed up. The movie had a message. That while the country is
forced into socialism, the parliament operates as a free-market. For 5
entertaining years of bedlam, the Bhaskar Awards for the Best Picture goes to the
14th Lok Sabha for “Chor Machaye Shor.”

Lifetime Acievement - The one actor who never seems to leave the stage is
Deve Gowda. He has had a rich career in which he has acted in numerous mega-
hits. He played the indifferent CM with a profit motive in "No Aankhen Bara
Haath". He captured the spirit of a villager who fluked his way to Delhi in "Ragi
Ban Gaya Gentleman". He portrayed the social worker who opposed infra-
structure in "Viroadi". And a million other such roles. He has a wealth of
experience and now an experience of wealth. For amassing an incredible amount
of er... wisdom in one lifetime, the Bhaskar Award for Lifetime Achievement goes
to Deve Gowda.

That wraps up the 2008 Bhaskars folks. Do send in nominations for 2009.

Disclaimer : All characters and events mentioned above are purely a figment of
the petrified author's imagination.