I just realized why Ive always struggled to have a personal relationship with Je

sus- it's because ive never had any strong relationships with other people, so
how could i go from having no relationships with people i can see, hear, and tou
ch, to a personal relationship with a God I can't see, hear, or touch? I stil
l don't know if it's possible to have a strong relationship with Jesus when one
is isolated their entire life. I've heard of people being imprisoned and isolat
ed for years and developing that kind of relationship, but that was during their
adult years after they already had good relationships with friends, family, and
loved ones. I've never heard of anyone who grew up neglected and/or alone and
remained that way through their adult years and ended up developing a close rel
ationship with Jesus, at least not until they first developed relationships with
others first. It'd be like expecting a kid who grew up in the wilderness or in
a north korean death camp to reach adulthood and all of a sudden reach out to J
esus and be close to Him, despite the fact that they don't have any social skill
s and never had any meaningful interactions and relationships with people. How
could they find a way to relate to God in the abstract when they've never had an
ything concrete in their life in terms of love and affection to help them bridge
the gap between loving concrete, real people and a God they can only imagine?
This phenomenon of isolation explains why I've always been uncomfortable even sa
ying Jesus' name.
It's because just saying people's names in general is uncomfortable for me beca
use I've never been close to anyone in person and I always have been emotionally
guarded due to the social anxiety I have as a result of never being loved growi
ng up or having family and friends to build up my social skills and self esteem.
This is why I believe I'll struggle with being close to Jesus the rest of my l
ife, or at least until I'm able to have strong relationships in person. It's al
so why I'll never be able to be a witness to my faith til then either. If I'm n
ot confident in my relationship with Jesus when I'm alone, I certainly can't be
confident in it when I'm around other people because I'm not confident with othe
r people. I always felt guilty about being ashamed of my faith when it's attack
ed or at least afraid to defend it, but I shouldn't have, because it wasn't my f
ault that I had that fear. I simply wasn't ready or capable of being an outspok
en or fearless witness to my faith because I still didnt have the relationships
and regular social interactions necessary to build up my social skills and confi
dence enough to be comfortable sharing anything and everything, especially my fa
ith, with others who don't share it. That's probably why Jesus never put me in
positions where I had to be that witness, at least not directly. Watching the v
ideo of Sean Lowe's testimony triggered these thoughts for me when I heard him s
ay Jesus' name with ease and comfort. That's how it should be for Christians be
cause our relationship with Jesus is like all the other relationships in our lif
e in some ways except it's infinitely more important. Sean was able to say His
name so easily because he had a great family growing up and obviously has the so
cial skills and confidence necessary to build strong and lasting relationships w
ith people. Everything he's been given is everything I've always lacked, and I
know Jesus takes that into account in our final judgement. In the end, if I don
't have the social skills necessary to create relationships with people on Earth
, how can I create a relationship with Jesus in Heaven, since He's also a real p
erson. I think the strength of the relationship doesn't matter as much as the e
ffort you put into it, cause Jesus gave us everything we have and knows exactly
what we lack and what our weaknesses are, therefore He knows how hard it is for
people like me to be close to Him. I guess that's where His grace comes into pl
ay, to help bridge the gap between my lack of social skills and relationships he
re on Earth, and the relationship I need to have with Him in order to overcome t
he obstacles in my life and get to Heaven one day.