Battleeld! In Outer Space!

A Social Satire
By Blair Naso
Episode One: In Which Doris Gets Her Oats
Twenty years have passed since our day.
"Captain James Umpeit commands the starship Adventure!, a vessel of war and
peace, devoted to journeying into the great depths of the unknown, commissioned by
the Democratic United Earth Federation. He is a proud warrior, yet his ego is completely
deserved. Few pilots match his expertise. Yet he not only is a great pilot but also a great
leader. He has a virtuous nature which is rare in these times. Courageous, utilitarian,
and ever so patriotic."
"Will you shut up?" said Tim. "God, you're so happy."
"What I really need is an American ag behind me with an eagle ying over my
head and an electric guitar playing 'Amazing Grace'," continued James, trying not to pay
attention to whomever may try to spoil his euphoria.
"My husband just left me. The last thing I need is another of your ego trips."
"Alas. No more of this talk."
"Why?"
"Because...we need to leave soon."
"Do we?"
"Yes. Early bird gets the worm." James walked over to the window to continue his
thoughts.
"He's odd," said Doris.
"I can tell you're new. I've been with him for too long. He just needs to get laid.
It's depressing to watch someone be such a virgin."
"He's religious? That takes a lot of self-will to wait until marriage. Not many
people still care."
"Religious? No, he's 'a man of science,'" said Tim, making air quotes. "The reality
is that no girl is interested in him because he's such a man child."
"Is that the excuse he gives?"
"Sort of. He just says that he's waiting for a girl who loves him as he is, whatever
that means."
"May I ask what happened with your husband?"
"No. But I'm sure you'll hear soon enough. He's on this crew."
At that time, Magnus walked into the room. "My God, what a night. I was so
wasted, but no amount of sobriety could make that girl look any less hot than she was.
We fucked all night long. Her name was Lisa or Linda or something. Anyway, she does
this thing with her leg."
"My God," said Doris. "Do we need to hear this?"
"No," said Tim.
"I'm just exploring my sexuality," replied Magnus.
"Doris, meet my ex-husband," Tim said.
"Oh."
Awkward silence ensued. Magnus broke it. "You see, I grew up with two gay
dads, and we had a lot of gay friends. So I just always assumed that this was normal
and that I was gay. So I did what any young gay man does and tried to get married and
settle down. But then one night, Tim and I had a ght, and I went to a bar and got drunk
and had sex with a woman. It was like this awakening, and I realized that this is what
I've been looking for all along. All these years I thought I was gay, but I was never really
happy. But as it turned out, I was straight and was just in denial all these years. It was
the greatest day of my life. From then on, I knew I had to nd a new direction."
"So you're sexuality is having drunk one night stands?"
"Well, eventually I'll settle down. But for now, I'm just nding out who I've always
been. It's a great journey of self-discovery." More awkward silence ensued.
"Tim," said Doris, "This must be so...I really don't know what to say in this kind of
situation."
"No," said Tim, beginning to cry, "It's for the best. He has to be who he is. Even
though I love him and gave him the best years of my life. He...has...to," here he starts
full-out sobbing, "Do what's best for him." Tim got up and went into a corner. More
awkward silence.
"So..." said Doris, trying to break the quiet again, "Last night I saw that new tele-
movie about lizards re-evolving into dinosaurs. It was alright. Did you see it?"
"No." The silence continued.
James walked back over. "Okay, we're leaving now. An alien life-form has
invaded Mars. We must stop them."
"What's happening?" asked Doris.
"A race from Saturn known as the Iews are claiming their god has given them the
right to the whole of the Martian land and that they used to live there long ago before
the current residents did."
"So we're going to ght them off?"
"Ha! No, these are times of peace. We're going to try to nd a middle ground and
satisfy both parties."
"Why don't they just give them booze, a government check, and let them build
casinos?" Tim called from the other side of the room.
"That's the plan."
"I was joking."
"We can't just let them invade!" said Doris. "There is no middle ground in this
situation! What kind of horrible, racist god would command that, and who would want to
follow him?"
"That aside," said James, "We must be diplomatic. I'm sure with enough open
communication, both sides can reach an agreement."
"But that doesn't make any sense."
"Irrelevant. We have our orders from command, and we have to obey."
"Screw command. We can't go commit a war crime just because some guy in an
ofce tells us to."
"He didn't. The people of the world voted yesterday on the best way to handle
this, and democracy has decided that it's best to avoid war at all costs. We're going to
give peace a chance."
Doris was silent. She wasn't sure what to say.
"You see," continued James, taking her silence as a win, "You can't argue with
democracy. No, everyone is entitled to his opinion, and we have to take that into
consideration. The whims of the majority outweigh that of the minority."
And so the ship blasted off from what used to be a helicopter pad and travelled
through space. It was about a three hour drive. A tv droned in the background with a
game show where contestants from developed countries see who can starve the
longest. It wasn't really starving per se but rather foraging for what little food you could
nd. There were many shows like this. Often they took place in some kind of wilderness,
but this one was unique in that it took place in New Delhi. Nobody on the ship was
watching it, but it gave a nice background noise. James stared out the window,
humming to himself and wishing the government hadn't mandated autopilot. Doris was
playing chess against Magnus. The were so awful that it was less a matter of skill and
more of remembering to check if one of your pieces were about to be taken. Tim sat in a
corner and masturbated to a porno.
Finally, they arrived. The Martian air was a bit thick as the atmosphere
generators would take several more years to really make the climate comfortable. Still,
the Federation had done an excellent job with the articial water. On the other hand, the
Martians, like most aliens, did not need food, water, or air to survive. They were an
interesting race, for they looked just like humans except with blue skin and no hair or
clothes. The women had three breasts in a row, and the men's penises were the size of
a human porn star's. Still, they were infertile when making love to a human or any race
for that matter, and neither's venereal diseases could pass to the others. Inter-planetary
brothels ourished on earth. As for Mars, they had always been there what with the
visitors from other planets. Mars was quite the marketplace.
The four-man crew walked out of the starship. The land was red everywhere with
a few gardens spread out and lots of buildings. People of all planets were bustling to
and fro, going into various stores. A Martian walked up to the crew. "My name is
Gorglax. I'll be your handler. The Iews have set up camp on the outside. We're prepared
to ght at whatever cost, but I'm not sure we can handle them without earth's help."
"Why is that?" asked Doris.
"Most of the other planets are agreeing with Iews for religious or political reasons.
Only Jupiter is on our side since we originally came from there hundreds of years ago.
Nevertheless, we'll ght for our land no matter what the cost. I'm ready to die for my
freedom."
"That's very touching," said Doris. "It reminds me of the American Revolution."
"Hardly," said Gorglax with a bit of scorn. "We're not pretentious aristocrats trying
to avoid taxes."
"I'm afraid there will be no ghting," said James. "We come in peace. Earth has
decided that you aliens should solve your differences with a compromise."
"I thought you were a great warrior, " said Doris.
"Oh, I am. But part of being a warrior is knowing when to put away the sword.
When we say 'war', we really mean 'peace'."
Tim decided to change the subject to more practical matters. "I hear there's quite
a gay scene on Mars."
"Oh, yes," said Gorglax, "We don't have this concept of gender you do. We're
free to have sex with whatever pleases us."
"Excellent. I just got out of a relationship, and I'm looking for something new."
"Then you'll be most satised. We have excellent services to facilitate that."
"I just need some stability right now."
"Oh, I'm sorry then. We don't...how do you say?...mate. We aren't bound by
monogamy. It limits one's potential."
"Then how do you raise children?"
"Oh, the women do that. The men send money every month and may spend time
with the child, but it really isn't a concern."
"That's horrible," exclaimed Doris.
"It's the natural way. One must accomplish his dreams. But we have excellent
day cares and public schools, so I really don't see what it matters."
"But that's no substitute for a relationship with your parents! Your children will
develop emotional problems for life," she continued.
"Life isn't fair. I can't be forced to live my life because of my past mistakes or
because someone needs me. That would be slavery."
"No, it's not. They don't own you. You can still make your own decisions."
"Can I? They're can be quite the nancial burden." He stopped speaking. Clearly
such a traditionalist wasn't going to be convinced.
Magnus spoke up. "So I'm told that your brothels are absolutely legendary."
"Yes, they are well-known all around the galaxy. Our servants of pleasure have
trained for years in such matters. We have schools that are centuries old dedicated to
the art."
"Servants?" asked Doris. "Do you mean they are slaves?"
"Some are. Others are poor people. Still others merely enjoy it. Does it matter?
We all must do something to, as you say, put a roof over our heads."
"If you are forced into it, then yes, it is slavery."
"Poverty is poverty regardless of whether one is forced by the sword or by
hunger. Your philosopher Jesus said that the poor will always be with you."
"So then it's okay to enslave people just because they will starve anyway?"
"Is it better to nominally give someone their freedom and then let them starve? Is
that compassion?"
"Of course not! We should all work to wage a war against poverty."
"And our proletariat can make a decent living selling their bodies. Everybody
wins."
Doris stopped and closed her eyes. She denitely disagreed. But this was an
ancient culture. Who was she to disrupt it? "Well, if that's your culture, I guess I really
can't criticize it."
Tim broke out laughing so hard he couldn't speak. Finally, he said, "Wow, Doris. I
didn't expect you to be that kind of person. God, that made my day."
"We can't judge another culture's values!" protested Doris.
"It wouldn't make a difference if you did," replied Gorglax. Then, changing the
subject, he said, "The enemy camp is up ahead."
They had already left the city and were standing just outside it. Before them
stood a large tent surrounded by many other small tents.. Lots of Iews were milling
about outside. Various groups of sentries stood armed around the camp. Two sentries
walked up to the humans and the Martian.
"My name is Vlier." He had a strange, squeally voice, as though he were a rat or
a pig. "This to my left is Xizks. You must be the earthlings. Come with us. The other
delegates from the Martians are waiting inside." The group walked through the camp,
watching the Iews eye them eerily. They weren't particularly large, but they seemed
oddly powerful anyway, aside from being so numerous. The group entered a medium-
sized tent. Three other Martians and maybe ve Iews were already standing inside.
"Greetings," said James. "We are the peace negotiators from the Democratic
United Earth Federation. The people of earth would like this to be settled as smoothly
as possible. I believe that the most civilized thing to do is to reach a compromise."
"I agree," said one of the Iews. We only want one hemisphere of the planet. You
can live in the other. Together, we can cultivate this great land."
"But we have all our people living all over!" said a Martian. "You'll displace half of
the natives!"
James interjected. "What do you propose we do, then?"
"Tell them to leave! This is our land, our home!"
"Look, we all have to be willing to give something up in order to make this work.
The Iews are willing to give up half of their claim. I would suggest you do the same. That
way, everything is equal."
"No! We will never agree to that! We will ght with everything we've got!"
The Iew interrupted. "See?! These Martians are so uncivilized. They are trying to
make war when we only want peace and democracy!"
Then everything started happening quickly. A Martian shot at that Iew, and both
alien races started shooting. The humans ducked for cover since they were unarmed.
Once they heard everything go silent, they stood up. Everyone else was dead.
"We should get back to the ship before they realize what's happened," said
James. For once, the other three agreed. They almost arrived back to their ship when
they saw a group of armed Martians running towards them. They quickly boarded and
took off. However, a Martian super-x-phaser gun shot the ship, and although the ship
stayed in air, the systems started to malfunction.
"We can't make it back to earth!" exclaimed James. "We'll have to stop on one of
Mars's moons for repairs. Those barbarians! How dare they re at unarmed peace
negotiators?! The Iews were absolutely right about them not being civilized."
"Where's Magnus?" asked Tim. They looked around, but he was nowhere to be
found. No one could remember him getting on the ship with them.
"I bet he slipped into one of those brothels," said Doris. And she was right.
Magnus was making sweet inter-species Dionic love at that very moment to a blue chick
with daddy issues.
But we shall return to Magnus's erotic adventures in the next episode, as we will
to our other heroes. Will they escape Mars? Which moon will they land on? What will
happen to the Martian-Iewish conict? The answers are: yes, Phobos, and it won't be
mentioned again. Tune into the next episode!
Episode Two: Exiled from (Erotic) Paradise
"Good bye, sweet whores of Mars," said James quietly, looking out the window.
"Did you think you'd nally lose your virginity?" asked Tim antagonistically.
"I was looking for love! Is that so much to goddamn ask for?"
"Apparently."
"And how's your love life going?"
"Ugh..wow." Tim left the room before he began to cry again.
They were stranded on Phobos. The repairs would take a few days. Phobos had
few settlers. It was a strange race of slug-like people. The moon was grey and barren.
How the Phobians ate was beyond the humans' understanding.
At any rate, it was night, and James assumed Doris had gone to bed. He turned
on a video document recapitulation information drive and began to watch tv and
masturbate. Unfortunately, Doris then walked in the room. James immediately jumped
up and turned it off.
"What were you watching? Was that 9/11 footage?"
"Uh...yes."
"And did I see you masturbating?!"
"Well, that footage makes me feel patriotic."
"Oh my God, that is the most offensive thing I have ever encountered. I'll never
forget."
"That's offensive? You haven't seen the porn I've drawn."
"I don't want to know what it is."
"Rosa Parks with that blue goddess from Hinduism."
"Actually, that sounds pretty interesting." James pulled a notebook down from a
shelf and showed her. "Wow, you have really good attention to detail. I didn't know you
were such an artist."
"I'm a big supporter of the LGBT and black communities, and I feel that this is
empowering. What is more of a status of power than making sapphic love to God him
slash her self?"
"Don't get me wrong. These pictures are absolutely revolting. But, oh my God,
you're really talented."
Tim walked in the room. "I was just watching the news. New scholarly evidence,
whatever that means, is suggesting that Muhammad wasn't a real person but an
amalgamation of several people."
"How will the Muslims react to this?" asked Doris. "Will they abandon their faith,
or will they allegorize it to continue Islam's message of peace and love?"
"Peace and love? You know Muhammad was a genocidal warlord and a
pedophile, right?"
"Well, that's just their culture. Comparatively, he was a really good guy."
"Yes, I'm sure he was great with children. Anyway, the Muslim nations have not
abandoned or allegorized their beliefs but instead issued death threats and are planning
to secede from the Federation."
At this James perked up. "What?! They can't leave the Federation! What will
happen to our economy?"
"Well," said Tim, "Who are we to stop them? Shouldn't they be able to make their
own decisions?"
"Not if the rest of the Federation disagrees. No one loves the Federation more
than me, and I'll be damned if I let a group casually leave it because they don't like the
philosophical insights of the rest of the country. We must go to war. We must defend
Truth. I'm willing to kill for my country. Or die for it. Whichever is the correct response."
"I thought you were all about peace," said Doris.
"By 'peace', we really mean 'war'. We will bring peace to the Arabs through the
sword," replied James
"Just like Muhammad," said Tim.
"I'm not sure who's right. I feel like we're right for the wrong reasons, and their
wrong for the right reasons," said Doris.
"Irrelevant. I'm sure we'll go to war with them. And by 'we', I mean the state. As
for we the Adventure!'s crew, Command is sending us to Venus. There appears to be a
dispute with the Merchant's Union. They're blockading the whole planet," responded
James.
"And why is it our job to solve a tax disagreement?" asked Tim. "Much less how
are we qualied? I went to military academy, not business school."
"That's what Command's asked us to do, and we must follow through."
Meanwhile on Mars, Magnus was in bed smoking. He had just nished ravishing
a prostitute. They lay in bed in a good kind of silence. "So your father wasn't around
much, huh?"
"No. He wouldn't have been the successful lawyer if he had. Or maybe he was a
mechanic. I really can't remember."
"That's too bad. My dads were great."
"Dads?"
"Yes. My parents were gay." Then he added quickly, "But they were very loving
just like heterosexual parents."
"We don't have this distinction between gay and straight on Mars."
"So I've heard. What's your practice on transsexuals?"
"Oh, we don't have those either. There's no point if we don't have any gender
roles."
"Really? But doesn't anybody get the surgery, just to have a different sexual
organ?"
"No. Well, a few have, but it's never as good as the real thing. And like I said, if
there's no gender roles, why bother?"
"I guess that makes sense," he said uncomfortably. "But the women make
babies. Aren't they forced into a gender role of parent?"
"No, we have very advanced abortion techniques. Legally, you can give up your
child to incineration up to six months after birth.
"That's barbaric! A live child!"
"It's more useful than just disposing of them in the trash."
"But you're killing an innocent human being."
"They don't really have a personality yet. What does it matter?"
"So they just chuck them into a bonre?"
"No, they bring them back to the hospital. The post-fetal organism is euthanized
and then used to generate energy for the hospital."
"My God!"
"The organism doesn't have any real consciousness at the point. A woman
should have the right to choose the life she wants. Everybody should follow their
dreams no matter what."
"What about after six months?"
"Then she's stuck, although some will sell their children into slavery. It's
technically illegal, but there's little chance you'll get caught. At any rate, we have a
wonderful state-run daycare system for all ages, so a child doesn't really hinder a
woman from living the life she wants."
"So then society is biased against women in that men don't have to raise a
child?"
"I guess technically. But really, she had ample to time to make that choice."
"And men and women never stay together in relationships?"
"No. Why would we? You should never have sex with friends. It always ends
badly."
Magnus thought about this. It was horrible, sure, but it made sense. At any rate,
he had 48 minutes left and had no idea how to ll it. "What do you do for fun? I mean,
you you, like, specically, not all of society?"
"I don't know. I guess I just watch tv on my days off. Sometimes I'll read."
"You have days off? I guess you aren't a slave then."
"No, I am. But if you have sex everyday, it wears you down. So we take shifts. I'm
off Tuesdays and Fridays."
"May I ask how you became a slave?"
"My mother sold me. I've been a prostitute since I was ve years old."
"My God. I'm assuming that you age differently than humans?"
"No, we age about the same."
"How old are you now?"
"Fourteen."
At this Magnus got up and ran into the bathroom. He felt like he was about to
vomit. She looked much older, although it was hard to tell with the blue skin. Fourteen?
That was so illegal on earth. He was almost twice her age. But he didn't want to
embarrass her. He forced himself to walk out of the bathroom and sit down on the bed,
making a point to not touch her.
"I'm sorry. I get acid reux, and I needed some water."
"I'm sure."
"So...have you ever thought about running away?"
"Not really. Where would I go?"
"I don't know. You can be anything you want to be."
"Not really. Unless I just want to be a waitress."
"It's better than being a prostitute."
"It doesn't pay as well."
"But a woman's body should be respected." She eyed him accusingly. He
realized what a hypocrite he was being. "I could take you back to earth. Although I
ditched my crew, so I'm pretty much stranded here. Maybe we can get on a shuttle."
"Why would I want to leave? All my friends are here."
"I guess we've already had that argument. I have 40 minutes left. What are you
doing after this?"
"Nothing. I'm free for the next three hours. Then I have a blow job."
"Do you want to get something to eat between now and then? I mean, I know I
haven't paid for that time..."
"Sure. I'll buy lunch."
"Really? I wouldn't think a slave had any money."
"'Slave' is a loose term. We're very progressive here with our slavery."
"Can you just leave the brothel like that?"
"Of course. There's nowhere for me to run to."
"Not a charter ship?"
"My neck tattoo marks me as a slave. They would never give me passage alone."
"But a client could take you."
"I guess. But it's not like it's hard to get another sex slave. We're really cheap and
easy to get. But don't you feel awkward about taking a teenage prostitute on a date?"
"It's not a date. We're just hanging."
"Why?"
"I don't know. You just seem interesting."
"Mm-hmm. A lot of clients are like that. Lonely men looking for companionship."
"Is that such a bad thing?"
"No. But it's kind of creepy getting it from a 14-year-old."
"Well, maybe. But you seem interesting. And I don't know anyone else on Mars."
They got dressed and left. He wasn't sure why he wanted to do this. He certainly
wasn't looking for a relationship. But he wanted to experience the city before leaving.
Meanwhile on Phobos, Tim and Doris decided they had to get away from
James's ego, so they took a walk in the small town.
"I hate that we'll be missing Love Day on Earth," began Doris.
"I know. That's my favorite holiday. It's so emotional." Love Day was a global
holiday in which everybody mourns the existence of Mike Love for single-handedly
changing the history of music in ways literally unimaginable.
The slugs viewed them oddly. They weren't used to having visitors. A couple of
them walked up. They had various pamphlets in their hands.
"Hi! We're taking a survey. Can we ask you a question?"
"Sure," said Tim.
"Okay. Do you consider yourself a good person?"
Doris then noticed what the pamphlets were. "Oh, these are fundamentalist
Christians. Let's go."
She began to walk away, but Tim interjected. "No, I want to play their game."
"Come on. This is stupid."
"I know. But I'm bored." Then, turning back to the slugs, he said, "What do you
mean by 'good person'? Like, 'good' as in Led Zeppelin is good?"
"No, I mean morally good."
"Okay. How shall we dene what it means to be good?"
The slugs perked up. He was playing right into their script. "Well, for most of
Western history, the Ten Commandments in the Bible have been the standard of
morality."
"That's not true."
They looked nervous for a second. One of them said, "Well, there were other
things, but the Ten Commandments are the real root."
"No, because the Ten Commandments don't say anything about fornication or
compassion or even rape. Also, you had Catholic canon law. And then with
protestantism, you had other things like not drinking alcohol or using profanity. And then
with secularism, you had things like the United Nations' Declaration on Human Rights."
"Yes, but all that goes back to the Ten Commandments."
"What does not drinking alcohol have to do with the Ten Commandments?"
"Well...it says to love God. That's hard to do when you're not in your right mind."
"I guess. Anyway, why are we only looking at Western morality? Is Eastern
morality irrelevant?"
"This is a Western culture."
"Yes, but morality isn't relative."
"True. Anyway, would you agree that the Ten Commandments are all good
rules?"
"No. But I'll pretend I do for the sake of the conversation."
"Why don't you--" one of the slugs began, but the other cut him off. "Excellent. So
have you kept them all?"
"Of course not."
"Then you aren't a good person."
"But I thought Jesus forgives us and makes us good persons. Declares us
righteous all that. Slate wiped clean. Tabula rasa."
"Yes! You see, if you accept Jesus's free gift of salvation, you can spend eternity
in Heaven with him."
"It's free?"
"Yes!"
"So I don't have to give anything up?"
"Well, you have to live by God's morality and develop a relationship with Him."
"So then it's not free."
The slugs weren't sure what to say to this and paused for a bit. "Well, in some
sense it's free, but really it costs you your life. I know that sounds like a contradiction,
but it's above rationality."
"Is it?"
"Yes. And once he forgives your sins, you will spend eternity with Him no matter
what."
"Okay, but what if I decide I don't like Him after knowing Him for a few years.
What if He kills my grandmother or something?"
"Yes, but you'll always like Jesus. It's impossible to be saved and not like Him."
"So nobody has ever gotten saved and then changed their mind? I nd that very
unlikely."
"If they changed their mind, they weren't saved to begin with. It's called
'irresistible grace'." The slug smiled very big for having found a way to use his one
seminary term.
"So then there's no free will after you're saved?"
"No, there's always free will because you freely chose to accept His gift."
"But not afterward."
"No, you have to choose everyday to follow Him."
"So can I get saved and then choose to continue living the way I'm living as a
homosexual?"
"Well, no. But it's not an issue because you won't even want to sin once you've
experienced Christ."
"So do you never sin?"
"No, I sin every day."
"Then maybe you haven't experienced Christ."
"I know He lives because He lives within my heart."
"Why would I want to go to Heaven anyway? If you actually read the Bible, Jesus
was kind of an asshole."
"Because Hell is a painful place with ames."
"Yeah, but you don't have to spend eternity with God. I think I like that option
better."
"Why don't you like God?"
"I don't see why I need Him. Is He the answer to every problem?"
"Yes. He can help you with anything."
"My husband just left me to have drunken sex with female prostitutes. How will
God x that?"
"He can give you the strength to get through it."
"But that doesn't x it. I want my husband back."
"Well, He doesn't just solve every problem."
"But you just said He's the answer to every problem."
"Yes, He's the answer but not the solution."
"That doesn't seem to make a lot of sense."
"Well, I don't have all the answers like my pastor does. I'm just a simple sinner
forgiven by grace trying to share my story. But if you come to my church, North
Redemption Pointe Fellowship Chapel, I think you'll like it. We could go together!"
"Right. Anyway, I don't need someone to hold my hand and tell me it's going to
be okay. If that's what your church or God is offering, I have human friends for that."
"But He gives you a purpose that no one else can!"
"Which is?"
"To worship Him. To satisfy your thirst."
"I'm sure it's fun. Will worshipping Him make my heartache over my husband go
away?"
"You won't even think you're gay anymore once you're worshipping God."
At this point, Tim started laughing so hard he couldn't speak. After several
seconds, he caught his breath and said, "Okay, this has been fun. But I've got to go."
The slugs did not look happy. "You know, you really shouldn't make fun of
someone's beliefs. Jesus Christ has done so much for me. I once was lost, but now He
has declared me righteous!"
"You sound righteous."
The slugs could tell what he meant by his tone of voice. "I don't have to be
insulted." And with that, they walked away.
"What did that accomplish?" asked Doris.
"What does anything accomplish?" responded Tim.
After that they returned to the ship. There really wasn't much to see on Phobus.
James was talking to a translucent gure.
"Crew, this is the ghost of John Lennon. He just...appeared."
Tim and Doris looked terried. It's not every day you come across evidence of
the supernatural.
James continued. "I asked him if God exists. He said that answering that
question would be too easy."
Tim rebounded back into his misanthropic self. "Why does it matter?"
John spoke up, "This is quite an awful ship you've got. I saw the bed you sleep
on. It's like a oggin' rock. An' your tv's so small."
Doris regained herself next, "I just met John Lennon, and the rst thing that he
said to me was that I wasn't materialistic enough."
"Of course, love. The whole 'Imagine no possessions' were just a song in the
wind where it were goin'. Just tryin' t'ford me a swimmin' pool."
"I really don't know what to say to that," said Doris.
"I do," responded Tim. "People like having things. That's why communism is
stupid."
"There you go, lad."
James spoke up next. "To answer your next question, yes, he will be traveling
with us for a while. Now, the repair has nished, and so we're off to Venus."
"Any update on the Muslim secession?" asked Doris.
"Yes. The Muslim part of the world is in full civil war. Urban warfare exists in all
Western cities with strong Muslim populations. The blacks in Detroit, Muslim and
otherwise, have seized this opportunity to enslave the few whites who remain, claiming
that only God can judge them. Meanwhile, Pope Humilis in his Easter sermon has
called for mutual dialogue to end violence and reiterated the need to pray for peace."
"Because praying for world peace is the true meaning of Easter and is directly
relevant to my life," said Tim.
What will become of the civil war? Will democracy be maintained? And what of
our heroes? Will they be able to diffuse the situation on Venus? How much of an
asshole is John Lennon? Will Magnus nd true love with his jail bait call girl? Will this
soap opera nally gain an interesting plot? Tune in next week to nd out!
Episode Three: John Lennon Among The Stars
The were ying toward Venus. Tim and James were watching a football game.
John walked over to Doris and offered her a joint. They lit up.
"So, tell me about your dreams, deary," John said, putting an arm on her
shoulder.
"My dreams? Well, I always wanted to be a great space pilot. Amelia Earhart is
my hero. I want to be just like her. I also really admire Sally Ride, the rst capitalist
woman to go into space."
"That's lovely, love. You can do anything with love."
"What do you mean?"
"Love, man. I dig it. It's all you need to do whatever you want. To be whatever
you want. To know whatever you want. You can move a mountain into the sea with the
power of love."
"Yeah, I think I get it."
"You don't need anybody but yourself. Just nd who you are, love the world, and
you can be a superstar."
"Yeah."
"Do you want to fuck?"
They left and went to one of the rooms without the articial gravity. John pulled
her blouse off and began to kiss her breasts.
This just in! The censors have blocked this scene for explicit content. This is at
the request of the Innocence Advocacy, a non-prot lobby group of parents seeking to
protect children from adult material. Because Science Fiction is almost exclusively
marketed toward children, all questionable content must be cut out. We will pick up at
the next scene.
"I'm sorry, Dor," said John. "I didn't realize one couldn't get an erection in a zero
gravity environment. Space science always seemed kind of pointless to me."
"I guess the James Bond movies are pretty stupid," replied Doris.
"I always preferred the books."
This just in! The rest of this scene has also been censored. This scene contains
explicit material (i.e. talking about erections) which has been deemed not suitable for
children. We will cut to the next scene.
Note: My name is Kevin Karlton. Here at the Battleeld! In Outer Space! studios,
they have a problem with employee morale. Apparently, they aren't paying us enough to
cover our art school debts, even though that would mean not being able to fund the
executives' cocaine habits. Since I'm leaving the company next week anyway, I've
snuck in the rest of this scene at the last moment. Fuck Big Sci-Fi Publishing! The
independent artists revolution cannot be stopped! Penis. Penis. Penis.
"I never read them. I heard the guy also wrote Chitty Chitty Bang Bang."
"Yeah, but it was a lot different. Supposedly the child catcher wasn't in there."
"Probably for the best."
Back on Mars, Magnus was at a cafe with the prostitute. It was weird since he
was the only one eating. Even at the other tables, only earthlings were eating. "So
aliens really don't eat?"
"No."
"Like, you don't need to eat, or you just don't like it."
"Neither. I mean, why bother?"
"Have you ever eaten?"
"No. The master doesn't feed us."
"Then what do you spend your money on."
"I don't need any. What little I have I stole from the last guy. I usually spend it on
the movies with friends."
"So you've never even tried food? You might like it." He broke off a piece of his
chicken. She took it into her mouth.
"Eh. Not bad, I guess."
"Can your body digest it."
"Probably."
"So if you never eat, you never have to go to the bathroom?"
"Never."
"Wow. I wish I were a Martian."
"You could be a sex slave. The pay's not great, but the benets are fantastic."
The both laughed at this. Even though she looked pretty much the same as every other
Martian, there was something beautiful about her hairless blue skin melting into her
eyes, those two green spheres that bore into you, leading to her nose, which trickled
down until it met with a smile below it, concealing pointed, yellow teeth, the kind you'd
see in a horror movie, only except this time it wasn't terrifying in a fear sense but in an
intriguement sense, the kind of intrigue like when there's a girl in one of your classes
who isn't classically pretty yet draws you in anyway, and it was this kind of intrigue
which drew Magnus in, into her eyes which shone like the sun, if the sun shone green
and had a dull light, the kind of dull light like one of those eco-friendly lightbulbs which
reects upon that girl in one of your classes who draws you in with her strange beauty,
making you want to put up ten thousand pictures of her on your bedroom wall even
though you know you'll never talk to her because, really, what would you say, and you
don't even know anything about her, and maybe she's a different religion or doesn't like
your sense of humor or is a vegetarian or refers to black people as "the urban
community" so that she doesn't feel racist since all people have equal value, like the
kind of equal aesthetic value all Martian women have, except in this case, this beautiful
jail bait sex slave with whom Magnus was having lunch had a way of intriguing him,
which is usually a sign that you're in love, because people don't just intrigue you without
it being true love.
"I like you," said Magnus.
She giggled like only a girl with a rst crush can. "Okay, let's escape Mars."
"To where?"
"I don't care. Why not Venus?"
"Why not? I love it. We'll be together forever."
She looked into his eyes. "Do you love me?" She hoped he'd say yes, or at least
she thought she hoped so. But she didn't really know. After all, love is so blind; you don't
know you're in it until you're already there. But she thought maybe she was. She didn't
know yet and couldn't, or at least she didn't want to know yet. How could she? So many
emotions were churning inside of her for the rst time. This was an emotion, no, a life
she thought was never possible for her. She had resigned herself to life as a pleasure
doll, and yet here was a man willing to see her for who she was, ready to go to the ends
of the galaxy for her. It all depended on his answer. "Be honest."
"Yes. Yes, I love you." He had a slight laugh in his voice, like one has when he
suddenly remembers a happy memory long forgotten. She laughed, too.
"Then I also love you." Then she took another bite of his chicken. Perhaps love
could even conquer her own licentious past and forge a new future.
Back on the starship Adventure!, James was on a video call with another starship
captain, Bryan Starsleeper. They had grown up together and were best friends.
"Idiot," said James. "Everyone knows that in the original game, a goblin has +24
magic avoidance, but in the 2005 reissue, he only has +16. They did this to balance the
game out from heavy reliance on wizard-craft."
"Ugh, no. If you actually read anything beyond the wikipedia, you'd know that the
1988 edition had the goblins as an ancillary monster. It wasn't until the 1997 edition that
they shifted them into a more prominent role with the addition of the high magic
resistance."
"Well, duh. But you can hardly consider them the same character. They were
originally named ghouls, and the status sheets didn't even look the same. Just look at
their physical defense rating and prole picture."
"Yes, but Other Fantasy Games, LLD specically adapted the ghoul into the
goblin. For six years, there were no ghouls at all until the 2003 addendum."
Tim, Doris, and John were off a ways but still in the same room. "Look at our tax
dollars at work," said Tim. "Do you have any idea how expensive it is to transmit
messages while traveling at the speed we're going?"
"Well," said Doris, "at least we're doing a lot of good. The Venusians will really
appreciate it once we reach a settlement with the Merchants' Union."
"So needless waste is ne if there's a good purpose remotely attached to it."
John spoke up. "The issue is that he doesn't respect ya. Y've got to have all
respect for all creatures, big and small. Take me and me wife. I loved her with
everything I had in me. Never betrayed her or nothin'. She was my moon."
"That's so beautiful," said Doris.
"And I mean I loved her with everything I had in me. I poured all of myself into
her. But slowly-like, since gels don't like it when you go too fast. And then I'd give her
her oats, and she was like, 'Oh, John, let's go to India. It'll be so romantic,' and I'm like,
'Yeah, baby, fuck me some more,' and she was like, 'harder, faster', and I'm like--"
"Okay," said Doris. "I think we've heard enough."
"Yes," said Tim. "Ugh. She had boobies and everything."
"Sorry, mates," said John. "I just get so carried away when I think about love. I'm
all about making love, not war. I did a lot of love-mongering back in me day."
We'll return to this episode in a moment. And now a word from our sponsors:
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And now we return to this episode of Battleeld! In Outer Space!.
That's all for this week's episode. Will James ever nd a woman who can love a
man-child? Will Tim tell him his "God is like George Lucas" analogy? What will become
of Doris and John's budding "romance"? And will Magnus be able to escape Mars with
his new love? Find out next week!
Producer: Troy Jones
Director: Phil Buckalew
Animation, Voices, et cetera: Team members of Battleeld! In Outer Space!
Studios
Special thanks to 3rd Street Sandwiches for catering.
Editor's Note: It has come to our attention that Episode One was released with
the wrong title. It should have been "A New Face, A Familiar Smile", as obviously Doris
has not yet gotten "her oats" (i.e., semen in her vagina). Episode Seven will feature the
title, "In Which Doris Gets Her Oats".
Episode Four: Tension on Venus
The Adventure! was being pulled into the docking bay of the Merchants' Union's
main ship. It was a massive vessel, seventeen square quabrits in size. Captain James
was staring out the window, talking to himself again.
"Captain James Umpeit commands the starship Adventure!, a vessel of war and
peace, devoted to journeying into the great depths of the unknown, commissioned by
the Democratic United Earth Federation. He is a humble warrior, yet he is one of the few
beings who truly deserve arrogance. Funny how the most exalted are always the most
humble. Few captains match his expertise. Yet he not only is a great captain but also a
great warrior. He has a virtuous nature which is rare in these times. Courageous,
utilitarian, strong, and ever so patriotic. He is both the epitome of masculinity and yet
also gently androgynous. In thirty years, after he likely dies a heroic death ghting the
giant scorpions on a distant planet, the world will mourn him like new orphans, still in
denial. For how could such a great leader pass so quickly? Truly, life is brittle. It fades
like the leaf. And it is always the brightest stars that burn out the fastest. Never forget.
No, we shall hold an annual memorial of his gift to mankind, his gift of himself. This man
was one of the very few who truly gave everything he had to the world. He will be
mourned like Socrates, Jesus Christ, William Wallace, Ghandi, and Pope St. John Paul
II Chrysostomus. Like Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, Julius Caesar, Mother St.
Theresa..."
"Are you masturbating again?" cried Doris. "What the hell is your problem?!"
"I...uh...just wanted to make sure it worked. For the day I meet my wife."
"A, can men not go ve seconds without thinking about sex? B, do men always
have to act upon such thoughts? C, What kind of potential wife sleeps with a man the
rst day she meets him? And D, Why would it possibly not work? Actually, don't answer
that last one."
"A, yes. Ghandi was celibate. B, see A. C, I have a charm that the right woman
wouldn't be able to resist, like a Disney princess nally awakening to a stranger's kiss,
the one she'd been waiting for all this time. Oh, and D, I did a lot of drugs in high
school."
"That explains a lot."
"Yes, the Captain James has a sordid past. It plagues him to this day. Yet he
believes in redemption..."
She walked away to avoid hearing the rest.
The ship nished pulling into the bay, and the crew disembarked. The bay was
amazing. Robots zoomed around everywhere. They were of all different shapes and
sizes, but all of them were a beautiful shade of chrome. Some were small and round.
They seemed to be sweeping or vacuuming or some perhaps polishing the ground. One
would want to jump on it and skate around. Others were shaped like humans. They
awkwardly walked around carrying trays and tools. Some were a kind of box shape with
little arms coming out. They were maintaining the ships, and you could see sparks y
out of them.
The ships themselves were also of a wide variety. A few were quite large, able to
hold tens of thousands of passengers or perhaps cargo. Others were small like the
Adventure!, designed to hold half a dozen at the most. And there were many sizes all in
between. There were also small hovercrafts that transported people around the bay.
The people were from all sorts of planets, for the Merchant's Union is a galactic
entity. Some people were human beings, like the earthlings. Others were Martians. A
few were even like the slugs they saw on Phobos. Then there were other kinds of
humanoids: red ones with pointed ears, small halings, ugly brown people like goblins,
green bald ones with large heads. They had various colored jumpsuits, red, blue,
yellow, and various other colors.
The room itself was also impressive. The walls were plated with chrome square
tiles about three feet in length and width. The ceiling had beams making triangles with
dome lamps hanging down. There were also large windows which looked like a kind of
trapezoid out of which you could see the stars. It wasn't quite a trapezoid, for there were
six sides. There were two horizontal parallel frames. Connecting them were two
diagonal frames each with a small diagonal connecting it to the lower frame. The frames
had a little indention running the length of them. There were eight of these windows in
all. Often outside you could see ships ghting and things exploding, but you could never
hear them, because there is no sound in space. However, today there was no action at
all.
While John Lennon stayed on the ship, someone escorted the crew through the
bay, down the hall, and into a meeting room. About half a dozen men and aliens were
standing around smoking over a large table.
"You can't smoke in here!" said Doris.
"Why?" one of them asked.
"Because it's dangerous for us to breathe!"
"A little smoke once in ten years won't hurt you. Also, it's our room, and we can
smoke if we want."
"But I shouldn't have to be uncomfortable smelling it."
"And we shouldn't have to be uncomfortable hearing you talk about it."
She wasn't sure what to say to that, so instead she said, "You know that'll kill you,
right?"
They ignored this and turned to Captain James. "Has the situation been
explained to you?"
"Yes. I'm afraid we cannot give you the tax breaks you're wanting."
"Then we will continue to keep away any imports or exports. Venus is a simple
agrarian planet; it will never survive the blockade."
"Well, that's a risk we'll have to take."
"Then tell your command that we may invade. Good bye."
The crew left the room. The head negotiator turned to his assistant and said,
"Make sure they don't leave the blockade alive. As soon as they leave the bay, shoot
them down."
And so the crew entered their ship and took off. As soon as they left the bay, the
Union began to shoot at them.
"Why is it that every time we go on a peace mission, we almost get
assassinated?" exclaimed Tim.
"Peace is never free," replied James. "No, Compromise must always involve
sacrice."
"The hyper-overdrive is shot, and the tele-communications are shot. We'll have to
go down to Venus to get a repair," cried Doris.
"So be it," said James. "We shall go to Venus."
Thus the ship quickly turned and half ew half fell down to Venus. They made a
rough landing, and although it didn't damage the ship, there was a lot of ground
upturned. Outside was a lush forest with a waterfall. There was a small city conveniently
nearby. The crew and John Lennon disembarked and began looking for an inn. A man
with pamphlets walked up to the group. He had long hair, worn-out but colorful clothing,
and smelled like a college freshman.
"Can I share with you the most life-changing thing you'll ever hear?" he asked.
"No, we don't want anymore Jesus," said Doris.
"Oh, I'm not peddling religion. No, I want to share with you about how awful the
slaughterhouses are. If slaughterhouses had glass walls, everyone would be a
vegetarian."
"But fortunately," said Tim, "they have walls of brick and blood."
"Fortunately?" exclaimed the zealot.
"I don't care if they inject a kitten with growth hormones and boil it alive, so long
as the package it as veal and put it on my plate."
"That's horrible! It has a face! It has a mother! It's a suffering being!"
"You mean being on my plate with gravy and okra."
"You're a horrible person."
"And you're a faggot."
The man walked off in anger. "Jeez, Tim," said Doris. "Aren't you gay? I didn't
know you were such a homophobe."
"Of course I don't hate my own people. But why should we waste such a good
word? By the way, James, any update on the civil war?"
"Yes. After Europe annihilated all of their Muslims, they started killing each other,
since historically killing other white people has been their favorite pastime. The
American government, on the other hand, is dismissing the problem, claiming that only
a few radicals are the ones burning government buildings and that somehow Western
culture is to blame. In brighter news, we have a new pope, Farcius the First."
"I thought you weren't religious," said Doris.
"I'm not," replied James. "Anyway, our new pope is very popular with Catholics
and non-Catholics alike. He's abolishing purgatory next Tuesday. I love it."
"Can he even do that?" asked Tim.
"Of course. Who's going to tell the pope 'no', and who's going to depose him? A
few theologians are upset, but most are claiming that this is just a further development
of their doctrine, completely in line with past interpretations."
"Will he get rid of hell?" asked Doris.
"Pope Farcius said that it's too progressive now to abolish hell, but maybe in
another fty years if the Church feels as though it's tting for the people."
"I don't even know what that means," said Doris.
"Really?" replied Tim. "He seems like your kind of demigod."
Doris continued, "What other positions is the pope taking?"
"He supports world peace, open dialogue, and mutual understanding between
various nations, states, religions, cultures, and sects of Christianity. He has also
assured the Orthodox that if they rejoin the Uniate, he won't force them to modernize
their liturgy like in the West. Finally, he is allowing barrier method contraceptives as long
as it's not on Friday."
"What about a woman's right to choose?" asked Doris.
"He didn't answer directly but only said that both the pro-choice and pro-life sides
should try to understand each other's positions better and that people the world over
should celebrate the special role women have in the creation of life."
They walked a bit farther until they came to the end of town. There was a very
large mansion with a dome and towers surrounded by gardens. It had a sign that said,
"Spiritual Illumination Retreat". Doris walked up to it and read a smaller sign on a post.
"Let's stay here! It's a holiday camp where you take classes on Eastern
Philosophy. Eastern Asia is a lot more in touch with humanity and nature than the West,
you know."
"Oh, I did one of those," said John. "It's a hoax. And I kept running out of
batteries."
"That's just because you're so used to the Western mindset. Not everything is
black and white, you know."
"I nd this suspicious," said James, "but it seems like an interesting place to
explore."
"I side with all of you," said Tim. "Yes, it's probably bullshit, but it seems relaxing.
I vote we stay."
Thus they walked through the gate and into the building. It was by far the most
beautiful building they'd ever seen. The lobby was absolutely enormous, large enough
to be a regular hotel There were grand murals and white marble statues of mythology.
Exotic animals and naked women were caged in various places while servants fed them
from bowls. A band was playing a dissonant but soothing song.
The four rooms were each very expensive, but it included several classes of
spiritual guidance, so they gured it was worth it. The desk clerk said they'd send
someone to take care of the ship, and then the bellhop led to their rooms while
explaining the place to them.
"Guru Yashi Mo-Jandu Qui, or just 'Master' as many call him, spent years in
Eastern Asia learning from the most enlightened spiritual masters. He has brought
together the various teachings of Buddhism, Hinduism, and a few others, taking only the
best elements and forming a religion which will help you understand who you really are
and who you really can be."
"Sounds fascinating," said Doris.
"Yes. Classes are held twice a day in the garden. In between, we have a large
library of Eastern texts. One may also explore the rest of our garden. Its magnicence
rivals the garden of Xerxes."
"Wow, Xerxes"
"Yes, Xerxes build the famous hanging gardens of Babylon for his wife, yet ours
are even larger."
"Are they on terraces of stone?"
"No, but we are planning an extensive renovation to do so. We nd beauty and
outer peace is conducive toward inner peace."
"Oh my God, that is so beautiful. I can't wait to meet the master."
"I'm sure he would be thrilled to meet you."
Once they arrived at their rooms, James tried to tip the bellhop, but the man
refused. "We don't deal with money here. It's too terrestrial and materialistic. We focus
on higher things."
"That is so inspiring," said Doris. "I can only imagine how much that enables
you."
Soon after they went to bed. After they woke up the next day, they bought
breakfast and headed out the meditation area of the garden. Fruit trees and hedges
surrounded them. Butteries were everywhere. They sat in a clearing on mats while a
long-haired white man in white linen stood in front of them.
"Hello, beings. My name is Guru Yashi Mo-Jandu Qui, although it is traditional in
Eastern cultures to simply refer to me as 'Master'. Today's lesson will be on starting.
Yes, obviously you want to start, since you came here, but where are you starting from?
Meaning, where are you now? Close your eyes, and imagine yourself as an animal
opening a box..."
He went on like this for a while. They opened boxes in their minds and released
the energy there. The energy grew from a seed so small one could barely see it into a
tree where many birds made their nests. Then they searched through their emotions
and put everything negative back into the box, leaving only hope behind. Finally, they
ended the hour with chanting for fteen minutes in a foreign language.
"Thank you, class. Come back at two o'clock for guided transcendental
meditation."
Doris walked up to the Master. "Wow. You are such a good teacher. I'd just like to
thank you for sharing your knowledge with us."
"Well, thank you," replied the man. "Tell me about yourself." They began walking
back towards the building.
"Well, my name is Doris Johnson. I was born in Los Angeles..."
Doris's parents worked constantly to make the bills meet, and so she spent most
of her childhood watching television. Her favorite shows were science ction, and she
watched as much as she could, even though a lot of the adult material horried her. In
school, she loved science class and would read a lot of non-ction on her own. She
soaked in every word and tried to remember all about astronomy, neuroscience, and
pre-human natural history. She delved into anything with the word "science" in it.
When she was in college, she declared a Physics major. It was there that she got
her rst boyfriend, a music major. He was a scientologist, and this completely fascinated
her. She even went to a few meetings and made several friends. But one day, she had
an argument with him, and he hit her. She tried to tell her other scientologist friends, but
nobody believed her, despite the bruises on her face. Obviously, she broke up with him
and never spoke to any of them again.
After graduating, she enrolled in the Space Patrol academy. The space patrol
was a force from Earth dedicated to maintaining peace throughout the galaxy. She
nished the three weeks of training, and the ofcials were so impressed with her
fearlessness that they assigned to Captain James's small, elite crew.
She suddenly found she was outside his door. "Would you like to have a cup of
tea?" he asked. "It's grown organically in a little village not far from here."
"Well, okay. I'm enjoying our conversation."
His room looked as marvelous as the lobby, yet different. Everything was colorful
linen or silk, and there were lovely paintings of various great philosophers, all
completely naked: Jesus Christ, Muhammed, Howard Zinn, the Buddha, John Locke,
and many more. "I try to take the best from every belief form. I want to nd out what
unites humanity."
A small dog that looked more like a large rat ran up and started nipping at her
leg. "Forgive my pet. He isn't properly trained, as I feel like that will stunt his
personality."
"Oh, he's ne. What's his name?"
"Ataturk. He isn't a very good beast. He barks at strangers, defecates on the bed,
and will devour anything. I think he just wants to urinate on the world."
"I think he's cute."
The Master began to make the tea. "Anyway, you'll notice that all the paintings
are naked. I feel that cultural trappings only hinder a belief system from expressing its
true nature. Nothing is more natural than the human as animal, and nothing is more
animalistic than sexuality."
"Wow, I never thought there would be an appropriate way to create porn of Jesus
Christ or Muhammed, but you really understand how to integrate our human heritage."
"Yes, I had these painting commissioned especially for me by a rather obscure
artist in Hamburg. Prints have been reproduced and distributed the world over."
"That's so amazing."
The tea was nished it was white-green color and tasted both strong and bland at
the same time.
"Doris, your life journey has been so fascinating for me to hear."
"Really?" she stared into his eyes.
He walked up to her and kissed her briey. "You're so beautiful." They began to
kiss, starting slowly and softly but gradually picking up more pace. Finally, she got down
on her knees as he unzipped his pants. He had a glorious penis. Long and round with a
slightly red tint. The lip on the mushroom cap was perfectly proportioned, and his hair
was trimmed just right. Yes, she had never sucked a penis like this in her life. It was
gentle even when it was hard. The small veins on it felt like the texture on some
wonderful kind of dessert. Then the semen suddenly rushed in, and she felt herself
orgasming as though her lady parts were ying through her body. As it washed through
her mouth and down the back of her throat, it was like all of the Master's love and
wisdom was infusing into her, renewing her like a baptism. She continued on for much
longer than she ever had when suddenly Ataturk bit her hand.
"Ow," she said, taking her head out of his pants.
The Master look a little unsure of himself. "Oh, I'm terribly sorry. He's just
expressing himself."
"I should go," said Doris. "But I'd love to nish sometime."
"Yes, well, I have a video call with the pope this afternoon anyway."
"Oh, really? What's he like?"
"So sincere, so compassionate. I really think he can unite our world."
"Wow. I never knew religion could be so beautiful."
"Yes, once everybody can understand everybody else, we'll all have the same
laws and paradigms. And then there will be no more violence ever again, and we'll see
past each other's differences. I really believe that that's the message of all religions."
"Mmm. Yes, if we could just learn to love each other and focus above the
mundane things, we could really live in a great world."
She left his room and walked back to the garden. The other three were admiring
a peacock. "I met the Master. We had a nice cup of tea."
"You fucked him, didn't y'?" asked John.
Doris looked very offended. "Of course not!"
"I can see it in y' face. They always do this, the bastards." He walked away
muttering to himself.
"You know," said Doris, "Master dialogues with the pope. They're trying to unite
the world."
"Aren't we all?" asked James. "Isn't that what the Democratic United Earth
Federation is all about? Everyday, more and more people give themselves toward non-
violence. We all want it so badly, I really believe it's just around the corner."
"And that's the beauty of spiritual retreats like this. If we can just look inside and
nd out who we are and what we really want, we'll have no reason to disagree with
anyone else. Oh my God, Tim are you smoking?!"
Tim took an extra long drag, held it in for a while, and then breathed it all out at
once. "No," he said nally. "Cool kids just walk away from peer pressure."
"Tim!" she exclaimed. "This garden is a fragile ecosystem! You can't just smoke.
You'll damage the trees. And what about all the good energy we just infused into our
bodies?"
"I'll infuse some more."
"I didn't know you even smoked."
"I'm not really addicted."
"You will be."
"Meh. I doubt it. I've been smoking since college."
"Do you know how many chemicals they add to cigarettes?"
"These are additive free."
"But nicotine is so bad for you! It's been linked to breast cancer and high blood
pressure in women."
"Duly noted."
"If you're not addicted, you could quit if you wanted to."
"If I wanted to."
"Wow. I mean, just wow. I've lost so much respect for you. Here you are,
defending what is basically suicide and forcing me to breathe it. I don't want to die
because of your irresponsibility." And with that, she walked off angrily.
Tim turned to James. "So any news on the civil war?"
"Yes. France has conquered most of Europe and a fair amount of North Africa.
The Vatican has also been taken and turned into a secular state with a fair amount of
home rule. Technically, the pope is a prisoner of war, but he moves freely through the
city. Great Britain and Russia remain well-fortied. Great Britain is negotiating uniting
with the rest of the Anglo-phonic world with the exceptions of America and Ireland.
French Canada, however, has seceded and joined the French empire. British Canada
has retaliated by issuing a strict blockade against Quebec by land, air, and sea. There
are also separatists in Louisiana, but they've quickly been put down by the
Washingtonian government.
"As for Russia, they are pressing west and south, trying to bring all Slavs into one
empire with a uniform state religion. The Kievan, Serbian, and Bulgarian Orthodox
Churches have been completely absorbed by the Russian, which is now referring to
itself as the 'Holy Muscovite Greek Catholic Imperial Roman Orthodox Church'.
Eventually, they're hoping to absorb Constantinople as well. Patriarch Philoneikos and
others of the Russian Church hierarchy are claiming that they are only doing it to
preserve the purity of the faith and that it's a part of Church Tradition to have all citizens
in the same organization as that was why the Muscovite Church was founded. The
circumstances of the absorption of other patriarchates is considered extremely suspect
by some leading experts, but there is little resistance from the lay people post-bellum.
Muslims, Catholics, Jews, and atheists must either convert or leave the territory at their
own monetary expense."
"What about the war with the Muslim regions in Asia and Africa?"
"They've secured independence, claiming it's an act of decolonization. Together,
they've reunited into a large Muslim empire and re-established a Caliph in Jerusalem.
Also, they've killed all the Jews and Christians in the Near East and turned their holy
sites into mosques, including in Istanbul. They're preparing to ght Russia for control of
Eastern Europe and France for Western Europe. They've already begun to expand into
India."
"Muslims generally haven't genocided other monotheists in history. Is the new
government particularly fundamentalist?"
"Not really. Most of Islamic society is so third world, they have enough of their
own peasants to be borderline slaves, so there is no reason to put the burden on the
heretics anymore."
"Any nuclear threat?"
"No. If you nuke an area, you lose all chance of taking the spoils of war."
"Hmm. Never thought of that."
At that time, a bellhop came up to them. "Your ship should be ready before
tomorrow morning. It should be ready when you awake."
"Oh, excellent," said James.
He and Tim walked back toward the building. They were about halfway there
when they met with a surprise. Before them stood Magnus holding the hand of an
excited Martian girl who looked young enough to be his daughter but still technically
have breasts.
"Wow," she said. "I've never seen such vegetation like this before. Is this what
your planet is like?"
"Some of it," said Magnus.
James and Tim walked up. "How did you nd us?!" asked Tim.
"Tim!" replied Magnus. "I can't believe you're here! What a coincidence! We
thought Venus would be an exotic place to run away to, and when we got hear, we
heard about this great spiritual retreat."
James interjected. "You ditched us! You abandoned your mission! Central
Command will not be pleased."
"Yes, but it was all worth it. I fell in love!"
"Um, Magnus, how old is that girl, and what did you mean by 'run away'?"
"She's not quite fteen. Technically, she was a sex slave, but I'm helping her nd
a better life."
"Oh my God," said Tim. "You're molesting a teenager."
"No, I'm not! We're in love. This is how I fulll my sexuality. It's who I am. You
can't judge my sexual choices and identity. You can't help whom you love."
Hold onto your hats, readers! Battleeld! In Outer Space! will return next week IN
COLOR!!! Tensions rise as Magnus must make the most important choice of his life. It is
a choice of great metaphysical proportions that will dene our time, and it will wrench
your heart. Will you cry from ecstasy or from heartbrokenness? Find out next week!
Episode Five: Into the Great (Recently) Unknown
"George Lucas is like God," said Tim to James while they were waiting for
meditation to start. "When you're young, you think He's perfect and can do anything. But
then you get older and take literature classes, and you slowly begin to see his aws,
until eventually you become a George Lucas atheist."
"George Lucas is a fallen genius, and if you disagree, you're just a dumb jock!"
cried James angrily.
"Gaping plot holes and bad dialogue included." James looked like he was about
to get violent, but at that moment the Master came.
"Hello, friends. Let's sit in a circle. Cross your legs Indian style (pun intended)
and place your hands palms up on your knees. Very good. Now close your eyes and
think nothing."
"Okay," thought Tim. "Nothing.............this is really nice..........nothing...............I
have such great self-control..........I mean, this ascended master bullshit is still bullshit,
but my God am I ascended; shit, I'm thinking thoughts again; no thoughts, no thoughts,
no thoughts, shit, I'm thinking again.............I am a human god; I am handsome,
intelligent; all my opinion are correct...........fuck it, I can't stop thinking; we're leaving
soon anyway, and this whole meditation thing is stupid." And so he quit trying and
instead just tried keeping quiet. "I want a hamburger. One with mustard and onion
delight. Yeah, and a sesame seed bun and barbeque sauce," et cetera.
Doris's thoughts were somewhat different. "Maybe it was a mistake to give oral to
the Master; oh no, I'm thinking again; I must become enlightened; fuck, I'm thinking
again...........if anybody has the answers, it's the Master; he deserves really good
sex............am I a whore?.............I wish my father had loved me more; we never did
take that trip to Rome..........."
That night, the original four and John were talking in James's suite.
"She's asleep in our room," said Magnus.
"Magnus," said Doris, "you know you can't keep her."
"But she has nowhere to go."
"She's too young for what you're asking."
"Then what do you propose?"
"Give her some money," said Tim, "and leave her here tomorrow. It's certainly
better than Mars."
"Break it to her gently," said Doris.
"Yeah, man," said John. "Just because you can't love her doesn't mean you can't
love her."
"Okay, I think you guys are right," said Magnus a little hopelessly.
The next day they checked out, paid for the rooms, and boarded the ship.
"What's our plan on the blockade? Will we even be able to make it through?"
asked Doris.
"Oh, yes," responded James. "I got the telegraph this morning. The Merchants'
Union realized that by blocking trade, they were losing money. So they disbanded."
"That actually makes a lot of sense," said Tim.
"I've sent command a brief update on our situation, but I'll go into more detail
once we're on our way."
The ship took off, and soon they were outside of the stratosphere and into outer
space. "So, Magnus, how did it go this morning?" asked Doris. "Did she take it well?"
"I don't know. She was still asleep when we left."
They all stared at him in shock. "You mean you didn't even tell her?!" exclaimed
Doris.
"Well, I didn't want to see her hurt. I don't like conict. And she was so drunk last
night, I doubt I could have woken her up. She's probably still asleep."
"Did you even leave her money to help her survive?"
"Well, I didn't have any. I spent most of it on the shuttle over to Venus."
"Then how did you pay for the hotel room?!" asked Tim.
"I didn't. Technically, I didn't even check out. I told them at the desk that she'll
cover it." (The way the hotel is set up, one can only exit through the lobby, so there's no
way she can skip on the bill.)
"Can she even cover the cost of the ve star resort you left her in plus the extra
night they'll probably charge her for?" responded Doris.
"Well, she has a little money I gave her from when I rst purchased her services.
Wait, no, that went to her owner. I guess not."
"My God," said Doris, "You are by far one of the most horrible people I've ever
met. You're even worse than James. She gave up everything for you, and you just leave
her in the night in a strange land with a debt that she has no idea she owes? They'll
probably throw her in prison!"
Magnus started to get angry. "But she's not a sex slave anymore. That was a
good deed on my part."
"A good deed? She'll probably have to start selling herself again."
"Yeah, but you made me feel really icky about sleeping with a teenager. I had to
let her go for her own good."
"It's amazing the acrobatics your mind can do."
Now he looked enraged. "You know what, nobody ever gives me a break.
Everything I do is a screw up to you!"
"Everything you do is a screw up!" yelled Doris. "You abandoned us, took
advantage of a child, and abandoned her in a strange land. At least on Mars she had
friends and contacts!"
"I agree," said John. "You're being a major wanker."
"Then how am I supposed to x it? What do I do now?" asked Magnus almost
sarcastically.
"We could go back there and pick her up," said Doris.
The other four men looked rather sheepish. "Ehhhhh..." said James.
"I agree," said Tim. "Let's just forget about it and let the blame fall on Magnus.
After all, we can't really do anything to help her."
"We could nd her a foster family!" cried Doris.
"Yeah, but I imagine they have child services on Venus. Let's just move on,"
replied Tim.
"That gel has a lot of love in her heart. She'll make it just ne without us," said
John.
"Wow, men are pigs," said Doris.
"Yeah, pretty much," responded Tim. "Pretty much."
"Glad that's resolved," said James. "Let me report to command." He walked over
to the tele-screen and typed some keys. The screen lit up and showed the Supreme
Commander of the Space Patrol, Marshal Drew Tillurd.
The Space Patrol, or SP as it was commonly known, had several different kinds
of ships. Most were large war ships with hundreds or perhaps thousands of men. Others
were small ship of two people acting like police. A very few were like the Adventure!, a
crew of maybe half a dozen who travel the galaxy on special missions like ambassadors
or secret agents.
"We escaped Venus, Commander. As you've been informed, we failed at
negotiating peace again. The Merchants' Union actually tried to shoot us down! We had
to dock for two nights for repairs on Venus. I'll send you the receipt for our hotel."
"Yes, of course," said Tillurd.
"What about my night?" asked Magnus.
"Unfortunately," said Tillurd, "Your stay there was not on work business
considering the nature of your MIA."
"Can you pretend that I was with the rest of the group?" asked Magnus.
"Absolutely not!" said Tillurd. "That would create a conict in our reports. You'll
have to pay for it yourself."
"Meh..."
"What's the update on the civil war?" asked James.
"The Federation invaded Jerusalem and burned it to the ground. They are
marching toward Mecca now and living off loot from local farmers."
"That's awful!" said Doris.
"A lot of people feel conicted about that. However, the Federation must be
preserved at all costs," replied Tillurd.
"What happened to the Western Wars?" asked James.
"A treaty has been signed, and those territories have all been reorganized. Peace
is currently being maintained in the Western World. Moscow controls Eastern Europe.
Paris controls Western Europe except for the British Isles. London controls the English-
speaking world except for America. America controls all of its own territory except for
Detroit, which lies outside of the Federation altogether. Talks have been made of
reclaiming it, but they decided it's best to allow Black Americans a land to call their
own."
"So what's our next mission?"
"As you may know, Rhea, one of Saturn's moons, is a theistic monarchy. This is
opposed to our cherished doctrine of democracy. There is a resistance movement at the
Chestnut Grove Cafe in the capital city of Gradsburg. Go there and nd a man with a
purple blotch birthmark on his face and a yellow scarf. This is your contact. Ask him his
opinion on the potential canonization of Lady Di. He will respond that he has an
excellent book on the subject if you should follow him home. From there, it'll all come
together."
And so began the long trek across the galaxy. Rhea was a long way away, even
once they had passed the speed of light. They shifted the gear from super over-drive to
hyper over-drive. The rst few days passed uneventfully. They crew and John didn't
really interact with each other much. Even John and Doris remained mostly distant from
each other. They did talk a little bit about the mission.
"It'll be great once the Rheans can vote for their own leaders," said James.
"I guess," responded Tim. "I never vote. One politician never changed anything."
James looked dumbstruck. "That's heresy! It's your civic duty."
"I agree," said Doris. "Regardless of the consequences, I don't see how someone
could not vote. I mean, you have such a rare opportunity to let your voice be heard.
How can you just throw that away?"
"Quite easily. I just stay home."
"But the future of the world is at stake!" said Doris. "I know one single vote
doesn't change anything, but with everybody together, it can make a big difference."
"You misunderstand. I'd vote if there was a candidate whom I could really care
about, but they always drop out before the primaries. The candidates are generally
losers trying too hard to get elected to take a position worth caring about."
"What about abortion? Whether you're pro-choice or anti-choice, politicians
always have clear views on that."
"Yes, but laws like that never get repealed, so it doesn't matter."
"Still," said James. "Why even bother having a democracy if you aren't going to
vote?"
"That's silly," said Tim. "Democracy limits the abuses of power whether or not
everybody votes. People staying at home aren't going to bring back the horrors of
autocracy."
"But it's your civil duty!" cried Doris. "You're obligated."
"Then pass a law forcing me to. I have the freedom to vote, and part of freedom
is making a choice. I've made my choice."
In time, the news came in that the Federation had succeeded in subduing the
Muslim world, although most European troops soon left. This left the Muslims
embittered, probably forever, but their economy was too crushed to revolt again anytime
soon. Considering that there are no more Christians (except for a few soldiers and
puppet government ofcials), West Asian and North African Christianity has been
completely wiped out, including in Istanbul. This leaves the Moscow patriarch as the
sole patriarch of the Orthodox Church. He has taken the title of "Bishop of the Third
Rome, Defender of Apostolic Christianity, Chief Inheritor of the Apostles, Headmaster of
Christ's Magisterium, Fons Originalis Gratiae Divinae, Pater Omnis Credibilis,
Scholasticus Perfectus, Arbiter Curiae Ecclesiasticae Unicus, Pontifex Gentibus,
Vicarius Iesu Christi, et nunc et semper et in saecula saeculorum." The Anglican
Communion has stated vague objections to such claims as being polemical, and Pope
Farcius has called it a breach in ecumenical relations and a hinderance to reunication.
Some within the Orthodox Church have also protested to such reaches of Moscow's
jurisdiction, especially those in the diaspora, but all attempts to appeal the decision
have been turned down.
After a week, they stopped for fuel. There was a large trucker station a little ways
past Mars on an asteroid. The ship landed, and the crew got out. After lling up, they
decided to go inside the store to take a break from the connes of the ship.
"There's a restaurant attached to the gift shop," said John.
"It looks pretty greasy," replied Doris, "but I am hungry for something other than
freeze dried sauerkraut."
The two of them began to walk over there, while the other three went to the
arcade. The restaurant was called "Old Fat John's", and they weren't sure whether or
not it was a franchise. The walls were made of rotting wood, and the lighting was dim
yet oddly glaring. The radio played the worst kind of 90s pop just loud enough so that
you knew it was playing but not loud enough to follow it. The woman behind the counter
was a little past middle age and almost obese. She looked like she had had one too
many bad boyfriends and neglected children.
"What do you want?"
"Ahh..." said Doris, "Let me think." Nothing on the menu looked good. There was
a Super C-burger, a Ham-Hamburger, Uncle Wally's Favorite Chicken Salad, and other
weird sounding names given to what seemed like they were supposed to be regular
dishes. Even the regular dishes seemed to be discouraging. There was also fried
chicken sitting under a hot light with weird vegetable dishes. "I guess I'll have the Super
C-burger," she said, choosing the item that seemed most edible. "Is it good?"
"Honey, I don't know. It's just ground beef, cooked, with cheese and toppings."
"Fine. Whatever."
"Watch your attitude, missy. You ordered it."
Doris looked at her dumbstruck, but only for a second. "Look, bitch, I'm a paying
customer--"
John cut her off. "Now, now, gels. Let's settle down."
The woman walked out from around the corner. "Bitch, you haven't never fought
no bitch like me. It's on."
"I'm not going to ght you," said Doris. "I'm sorry I called you a bitch."
"Too late for that, sugar. We's going down." The other people in the fuel stop
began to crowd around.
"I'm sure we can solve this peacefully. Really, I shouldn't have said anything."
Doris extended her hand. The woman hit her in the elbow.
"Ow. Fuck, that hurts. Alright, if that's what you want..." Doris struck a pose that
looked like it came out of an 80s karate movie.
"What's all this?" asked John. "Doris, violence is never the answer. Just give
peace a chance, and you'll nd we'll all be so much happier."
Meanwhile in the next room, Tim and James were standing by the cooler. "Look
at this new energy drink," said Tim, holding up a can. "It's called an Irish Mobster. It's
Guinness mixed with cocaine. I have to try it."
"Winners don't do drugs," said James. "They only make you stupid."
"What about Charles Baudelaire, Charles Dickens, and the entire history of jazz
and rock music?"
"They could have done all that without it. Imagine how much better it would have
been without drugs."
"Hunter S. Thompson, Jack Kerouac, Ginsberg..."
"Scourges upon society."
Magnus walked up.
"Dude," said Tim, "this is booze with cocaine."
"Reminds me of that night we spent in Rio during Carnaval.
"Remember how we went to see the pagan mass where they ate real goat esh
and blood? Gross, but really interesting. Much better than that mock mass the queens
were putting on."
"Yeah, I wanted to go, but you thought it was degrading."
"I like men. That doesn't have anything to do with dressing as women."
"That's not the point. It's about our culture and making a statement."
"Making a statement?! That we're a bunch of freaks?"
"That we can have fun! That we aren't held be society's rules!"
"How can we tell people we're regular, hard-working citizens like everybody else
when you go out with these wild parades and bars?!"
"You've always been a traitor to the cause."
"I'm a traitor?! You're the one who left! And I didn't sign up for any cause. I was
born this way!"
Back in the restaurant, Doris and the other woman were slap ghting like girls in
a love triangle at a redneck high school. A large crowd had gathered around cheering.
True, Doris came from decent money, but the other woman was pure white shit, and
Doris had no choice but to return to the animal within. The ght started off with slapping
and some punching, but it soon became vicious as they tore skin and ripped out hair.
Doris tried her best to box the woman's kidneys, but she couldn't get a good shot in.
Then she tried hitting the nose upward with the palm, but the woman moved her head,
and Doris only hit the cheek, although this was still very painful. But then the other
woman penetrated Doris's eye with her thumb. Doris dropped her guard, and the
woman tackled her and began to beat her as though she was going to murder her. The
crowd continued to cheer. John looked on with horror, but he was pushed to the back of
the crowd.
Somehow, James bulled his way through the crowd and threw the unsuspecting
woman off of Doris. The woman hit her head hard on the wall and went unconscious.
The crowd gave a large shout. Doris stood up. "Finish her!" they cried. She stumbled
over, and kicked the woman's head. Another roar from the crowd.
"You've won," said James. "We should get her a doctor."
"No," said Doris, almost too dizzy to stand. she slammed her boot against the
woman's neck, and there was a loud crack. The crowd suddenly grew quiet. They
lingered for a few seconds and then at once ran out.
"We should probably go," said John.
Magnus and Tim ran in. Tim had a broken nose, and Magnus had a bruised eye.
"We heard the crowd go silent all of a sudden, so we thought something might
have gone bad."
"I killed her," said Doris slowly. "I don't know why."
"Can we dissect it later?" responded James. "We really should leave."
Their ship began pulling out just as other ships with ashing lights descended.
"I don't know why. I just felt this extreme hatred," continued Doris.
Magnus was cleaning her wounds. "It was just an animal reaction."
"All my life, I've looked down upon violence. We're human. We make choices."
"You were just lost in the moment."
"No, I didn't have to kill her. I made a choice."
"You were too caught up in passion. It just slipped away from you. Once you start
burning..."
"If it's not a choice, then it's not wrong. And that was denitely wrong."
"I mean, of course it was a choice. Every action is a choice. But you were so
caught up in the moment, you really couldn't stop if you wanted to."
"And what about the other person? Would she accept that excuse?"
"I suppose not. But you can't change it now. You can only focus on the future.
You did what you did. And really, you both are guilty. You were involved together. She
had the same intent. It takes two."
"I don't think either of us had an intent. We were just letting go of control."
The ship continued on through the galaxy. They spent the days watching tv,
playing chess, and smoking. Doris became reclusive and always seemed nervous.
Sometimes the others would discuss opinions about politics, but in general it had the
regular boredom of a road trip. There hadn't been much news lately. The civil war had
been completely quelled, and the world was at an armistice again. Earth was a unied
government except for Detroit, but the global senate decided to let them be, guring that
it would be an act of justice to give land to a racial minority who had been previously
wronged. Even the various groups that had recently been rebellious were no longer
rising up. The Roman pope expressed relief that the brief lapse in peace had been
resolved and professed joy that truly the world had learned to love and solve things
amicably.
A Chilean nun in St. Peter's Square wept while in an interview and said that
perhaps at long last the champions of peace had won the long war in achieving non-
violence and conquering hatred. "Truly this is the message of Jesus Christ. For St. Paul
called him the 'Lord of Peace', and our Lord himself has said, 'My peace I give unto
you,' and, 'Have salt in you, and have peace among you,' and, 'The wisdom of the Spirit
is life and peace.' That's what Christianity is really about: life and peace. Did not Jesus
conquer death so we could have life? And so, even though some have died recently, our
current state of non-violence brings life to the world as an echo of the eternal life that
the resurrection offers. True theocracy is a state without war."
Pope Farcius also stated that this was a clear sign that it is time to re-integrate
the Muscovite Orthodox Church into the Roman Communion. He asked Patriarch
Philoneikos to attend an upcoming prayer service at the Vatican with leaders from
various other religions, but the patriarch, inciting criticism from most of the western
world, has stated that such an act is "a betrayal to the blood of Christ", although the few
remaining evangelical protestants have supported his claim. Such an inter-faith prayer
service began with Pope St. John Paul II Chrysostomus and was gradually made into
an annual tradition. Buddhists, Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Anglicans, and various small
religious sects often attend.
The Christians were not the only ones to celebrate this restoration of non-
violence. The leader of the Buddhist vicarate of the Anglican Communion announced
his approval, stating that it met all eight aspects of the eight-fold path. Guru Yashi Mo-
Jandu Qui announced that all of religion had been fullled and that man was nally free
again to discover himself. The Caliph of Islam was not asked his opinion since currently
his location can not be conrmed.
And so as the world nally returns to its state of rest, the spaceship Adventure!
soars through the darkness in super-overdrive. Boredom and idleness begins to erode
away the crew's minds, yet soon they will receive their biggest challenge yet. Don't miss
it in the next episode of Adventures! In Outer Space!
Episode Six: Captain Earth versus Inter-Galactic Space Hitler or Vivito Repugnantia
The crew was in a rundown warehouse in Gradsburg with about a dozen leaders
of the resistance and several hundred rebels. There wasn't much furniture except for a
couple chairs and a table made out of rotten wood. They had followed the various
directions given to them by Command. The man with the deformed face and a yellow
scarf stood facing the group.
"Brothers, tomorrow we will begin our revolution. We will strike fear into the heart
of the king and his cronies by seizing the post ofce. And even if we should fail, they will
know that the people will no longer tolerate a corrupt government's abuses and
negligence. No, when we nally have our freedom, our democracy, no longer will the
government enact sweeping legislation unpopular with the people. No longer will we go
to war without a clearly dened reason, nor will the nobles' children be exepmt from the
draft. No longer will the the races be separated by a wall of poverty and opportunity;
rather, every man will have the opportunity to make as much money as he desires. No
longer will our speech be restricted and our privacy violated. The constables will be
protectors of the people and not oppressors. Education will world-class, the arts and
sciences will ourish, and all the people will be united with one mind, the mind of
compassion."
He continued on like this for several minutes, gradually breaking from his script
into an improvisation. The small crowd began to cheer more frequently until eventually
they did so after every sentence. The scene became like a penecostal tent rally. The
speaker would say a sentence, almost as though it were a song, and the people would
shout something like "Tell it" or "Yes". Even the crew, at rst somewhat apathetic except
for James, was getting in on the excitement. The hope for freedom and change always
stirs the heart to love this world.
At the close of his speech, he added, "We also have a special division for
homosexuals, bisexuals, transexuals, asexuals, pansexuals, omnisexuals,
aequalisexuals, unisexuals, consexuals, and others with similar aberrancies. They're
called GABO, but I can never remember what that stands for. At any rate, they do extra
ghting for the cause of gay rights. They're holding their planning meeting in ve
minutes."
Tim walked over to the meeting of the gay militia. There were just short of a
hundred people there. The man speaking was a woman named Chris who wore an
over-sized blue jacket and had short brown hair. "Okay, tomorrow we begin our assault
extra early. In order for the breeders to take the post ofce, we'll need to create a
diversion. We will divide into ten teams. Each will be assigned a nearby church or a
chicken restaurant to burn down. While it is true that not every church or chicken
restaurant oppresses us, thier philosophy inadvertently produces hatred, and so we
must not discriminate. An attack from one is an attack from all, and we must defend
ourselves. You will walk up to the establishment and set it are with gasoline. Then kill
everyone who tries to leave. You may think they are innocent, but they became
accomplishes when they gave their money to those senseless fucks. When everyone is
dead, come help defend the post ofce. Remember, we must do whatever it takes to
acheive our freedom, our equality, and our deserved recognition!"
The meeting dispersed as everyone camped in their divisions. Tim felt very
divided. Yes, it was true that one should support the gay rights movement, but this
seemed rather extreme. He certainly didn't want to betray his own people, but he didn't
feel entirely comfortable about killing people who may or may not have been a part of
the problem. Then again, as Chris had said, they were accomplices by proxy, and even
if they weren't, you can't take chances when you're ghting a war. Innocents always die
in a war, so perhaps it was best to follow the orders anyway.
The next night he was sleeping inside the post ofce. The day's ghting had gone
as you'd expect. He didn't wake up, but he found himself in a room like in a log cabin.
There was a lit replace, and through the window he could see a forest where it was
snowing. Inside the cabin, he saw his naked body sitting in a chair. It was complete and
not decomposed, yet it looked lifeless like an animal carcass. He suddenly realized that
he could not see himself, nor was he anywhere in particular.
"Hello, Tim," said a voice coming from the body that sounded just like his own.
"I'm sure you can guess the questions I have," Tim replied, surprising himself at
how calm he felt.
"Yes. You've died of a brain aneurism. We're waiting to nd out what eternity is
like. I am your body, and you are your soul."
"So is this heaven or hell?"
"It is neither. We are just waiting."
"So it's purgatory then?"
"No. We're just waiting."
"When will I nd out?"
"In due time. I do not know how long it will be, but it will be sufcient."
"I've never been much of a believer in God, I'll admit."
"No, we haven't."
"So I guess he does exist afterall then?"
"Of course."
"Which one is He? I mean, which religion was right?"
"Oh, it's too late to ask that question."
"What determines where I go?"
"You will get whatever you desire. If you want Heaven, you will enter it, and if you
want Hell, then you will enter it instead."
"Wait, how do you know all this?"
"I've always known. It's you that has kept me in silence."
"Well, obviously I want to go to Heaven."
"Do you? Why do you want to go there?"
"Well, it's the good place, isn't it? I certainly don't want to go to Hell."
"And what's wrong with Hell?"
"Well...there's ames, right? And Satan?"
"No, that is just imagery."
"Then why is Hell so awful?"
"Because in Heaven, that is where you experience God."
Tim was silent for a moment. His body sat there immobile. He wasn't sure how it
could speak to him, and he wasn't sure if it were an audible voice, but it denitely came
from that direction. He looked over his self and saw the story of his life. There is the scar
from when he fell on the barbed-wire fence. And here is the slight deformity on his face
from when his father would hit him. The blisters on his genitalia. The holes in his teeth
from his llings which were now absent. His scarred lungs from years of smoking. The
budding ulcer in his stomach. The ssures and stretch marks in his rectum. The tumor in
his pancreas. The tattoo from college.
"I'm not honestly sure whether I want Heaven or Hell."
"That is the correct answer. None of us truly know."
"I mean, I guess some people spend their lives thinking they're pursuing him, but
it always seemed like it could never amount to anything."
"Oh, does it?"
"Can we really know God?"
"Can you?"
This caused Tim to pause. It was an unexpected answer to his question. Finally,
he responded, "I don't know. I suppose if there is a Heaven, then you can. But I thought
all homosexuals go to Hell."
"Why did you think that?"
"Because that's what everyone says the Bible says."
"You shouldn't buy into all the propaganda they give you."
"Who is 'they'?"
"Whoever they may be."
"So then, it is correct that no religion is correct becaue of man's inabilities?"
"No, perhaps there is still a correct religion. But even then, they would have their
propaganda, some of which would be good, and some of which wouldn't."
"Which religion?"
"Again, it's too late to ask that."
"But I want to know! That's the greatest question ever, and if it doesn't matter
anymore, then why not just tell me?"
"Because we never found out ourselves. We searched our whole life for it, but we
never found what we were looking for. And then we died."
"Well, if we never found the correct religion, then I guess we should go to Hell."
"Why should one go to Hell if he didn't hold the correct beliefs?"
"Because we never satised God's requirement."
"But you don't even know what that requirement is."
Again, Tim was at a loss for words.
"Honestly, I don't know anything about God. If Heaven is about being with Him,
I'm not sure I'll like it there."
"Well, we'll nd out soon enough."
At that he felt his body grow quiet. He, that is, his soul, quit speaking. He realized
that he wasn't anxious anymore, although he wasn't sure why considering he was facing
his own mortality and eternity. He would wait and then see. It wasn't an uncomfortable
wait, but rather like a long sleep in which one is conscious. It was restful being there,
wherever he was in the room, as though one had just bought an expensive mattress
and nally laid down on it for the rst night. There was no concept of time, so it wasn't
truly a wait. Rather, it was a remaining, a presence.
Back in the world, the sun rose outside the post ofce. Doris was lying next to
Tim. They were all packed so tightly in there, that she accidentally elbowed him in the
head when she sat up.
"I'm so sorry!" she exclaimed. When Tim didn't respond, she began to shake him.
"Tim, are you alright?" When he didn't move, she took his pulse.
She gathered together James, John, and Magnus and told them that Tim was
dead. They gathered his body and left. The Rhean state army had the revolutionaries
blockaded in, but fortunately they had parked their ship nearby, so they were able to
escape. The state army red at them as they left, but since it was early, there weren't
many of them up. Soon the Adventure! was ying through space back to Earth to return
the body to Tim's parents. James distracted himself with unneccessary planning, and
Magnus stared off into the distance. Doris cried silently on John's shoulder.
Next time, in Adventures! In Outer Space!, we will have the much anticipated
Epilogue, In Which Doris Gets Her Oats.
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