My Place of Yours

__________________________
A Play In Three Acts
(Production Draft)
[CONFIDENTIAL]
David L Dreimann
Contact:
David Dreimann
+61409234344
dreims@yahoo.com
For:
The Honeytrap
info@thehoneytrap.net.au
CHARACTERS
STEVE: Male, mid 30s
KELLY: Female, late 20s
BLAZE: Male, late 30s
PHIL: Male, 20s
CAMILLA / ARIEL: Female, 20s, Kellys sister.
PIZZA BOY: stage hand or doubled with Blaze.
BAR TENDER: stage hand or doubled with Phil
SHARRON: Female, 40s, prerecorded
LOCK PICK HOW TO: Prerecorded
PORN MAN: Prerecorded
PORN LADY: Prerecorded
TIME
Summer, 2011
SETTING
Melbourne, Australia
NOTES
During the play Steve records a vlog and watches Youtube clips on his laptop. These clips
are to be heard as audio only but is some instances where indicated may also be projected
onto a screen.
Scene changes are to be performed on stage by the actors.
SYNOPSIS
My Place or Yours is a romantic comedy, about Steve a shy man in his mid 30s who wants
to get over his soon to be ex-wife and be able to enjoy his own company. After he is
unable to enjoy eating dinner alone Steve sets out to find a one night stand in the hope it
will help him move on. Much to his surprise Steve actually finds someone who will go
home with him, Kelly, late 20s. When the morning after arrives instead of showing Kelly
the door Steve finds himself agreeing to spend the whole day with her, but when Kelly
reveals that she hasnt been completely honest with Steve and is essentially homeless Steve
comes to believe that the only reason Kelly pretended to be interested in him was so she
could find a place to stay. The two of them fight and he throws her out of his house.
Feeling worse than before he hires an escort to have dinner with him but soon becomes
unsure of her sincerity and asks her to leave. When a young lawyer, Phil, arrives to serve
Steve with divorce papers Steve convinces the impartial Phil to try his risotto. Phil loves it
but it doesnt help. Steve is forced to accept that he can never be completely sure of
anything other than his own feelings. With this is mind he decides to take a risk and sets
out to find Kelly and ask her out on a proper date.
ACT 1 - SCENE 1 - GETTING OUT OF BED
This first scene is split across multiple locations
all taking place on stage at the same time; Kelly
at the hostel, Steve at home, and short glimpses
into the future of the two of them together.
Kelly and her world is on the left of stage, Steve
on the right. Each side of the stage has a single
bed, you can be as realistic as you like with this
or as minimal - a mattress on the floor will work
just fine if the audience is elevated (Stadium
seating). Steve has a bedside table.
Several boxes are on Steves side as wells as a
few mountains of random objects covered with
white sheets.
Lights up on Steve. In Steves apartment - Steve
is in bed asleep. His phone rings. He checks it,
declines the call and then tries to go back to
sleep.
26/6/13
2
Lights up on Kelly. In the hostel dorm room -
Kellys alarm goes off she get up straight away
goes through her bag finds a toothbrush starts
brushing her teeth. She is wearing an extra large
t-shirt as a nighty. Dirty clothes are spread over
her bed.
Exit Kelly.
Unable to get back to sleep Steve sits up in bed
picks a laptop up off the floor and starts to surf
the internet; we can hear him watching youtube
clips: Bed Intruder Song, Dramatic Prairie Dog,
Double Rainbow Song. He is unimpressed.
While he surfs the internet.
Enter Kelly
Kelly comes back with wet hair in a towel, puts
on deodorant and gets half dressed (Whats
shes wearing will match what she is wearing in
the Act 2 Scene 8).
Steve and Kelly meet center stage - FLASH
FORWARD -
STEVE
(holding back rage)
I want you to leave now.
KELLY
What?
STEVE
I want you to put on your clean underwear, put on your clothes, pack your toothbrush back
into your bag and leave.
KELLY
No.
Steve loses it.
STEVE
Get the fuck out of my house.
26/6/13
3
Steve walks back to his side of the stage and gets
back into bed. Kelly returns to her side. END
FLASH FORWARD
Steve continues to dick around on the internet.
Kelly sorts through the clothes on her bed,
smelling them to ensure they are clean, she
finishes getting dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. As
she is getting ready she makes a phone call to a
real estate agency.
KELLY
(Into the phone)
Good Morning.... Hi... My names Kelly Walker, I applied for an apartment last week... A
few actually.... one in Preston... I havent heard back either way and just thought... the one
in Preston is gone. OK. What about the one in Coburg? West Brunswick? Reservoir?
Wow. OK. Is there anything new... no, yeah sure thats fine, but really anything that you
think I might, no, yeah, yeah I know its really competitive at the moment, yeah sure, sure,
Ill drop in a pick up the list later today. Thanks.
Shes dressed. She ends the call.
KELLY
Fuck.
Steve makes the shift from memes to porn. We
hear various samples of moaning and dirty talk
as he skips through several different videos
unable to find anything that takes his fancy.
Blaze enters on Kellys side, far left. He wheels
on a receptionists desk topped with a computer
blasting dubstep - Pornstep feat. The Highbury
Whores (Original Mix). Kelly walks to the desk.
At the reception Kelly is trying to book another
week on her credit card. Blaze is ignoring her
and looking at something on the internet. The
music is very loud.
KELLY
Can you book me in for one more week?
Blaze cant hear her over the music.
BLAZE
What?
26/6/13
4
KELLY
Id like to stay another week.
Kelly holds up her card.
BLAZE
Yeah totally wicked beat. Hey do you like clubbing?
KELLY
What? No, not really.
Blaze is oblivious to her disinterest and gives her
a flier and starts to run the card.
BLAZE
Here. If you say youre on Blazes list, thats me, theyll give you free entry. Its
commercial but its the good kind.
KELLY
Umm.
BLAZE
And. Taduh! Two, TWO FREE drink cards - Bubbles, Beers or Basics right. No cocktails
sadly. Do you like cocktails? I love cocktails.
KELLY
Thanks. Can I book in for another week?
BLAZE
Sure.
He runs the card.
BLAZE
Says its been diz-clined. Want me to try it again?
Kelly doesnt respond.
BLAZE
Yo yo yo - Its be diz-clined?
KELLY
What?
BLAZE
Its been deeeee-clined. Bah Bow!
Kelly just stares.
26/6/13
5
BLAZE
Do you want to call the company or
KELLY
Can you turn that off?
Blaze hears this as Can you turn that up?
BLAZE
Yeah but only for one track or the guests complain. This next bit is total filth right?
He turns it up. Blaze dances. Kelly is unmoved.
Blaze turns the music down but not off.
Steve has found something he likes and
masturbates to orgasm. Steves rather
unenthusiastic orgasm should be timed to match
the moment the track finishes. Blaze turns it
down and the mix continues softly in the
background.
Kelly looks stunned.
BLAZE
Total mind fuck yeah? Anyways its been declined.
KELLY
Fuck. Can we try for just one night?
BLAZE
Sure thing. One night only! One night stand. One Love.
Blaze runs the card again for one night. Its
declined again.
BLAZE
No Cubits Kara Thrace. You wanna call the bank man or...
Kelly looks lost.
BLAZE
You got cash?
After much wriggling unable to hold it any more
Steve gets out of bed and runs off stage. Exit
Steve. We can hear as he pisses, flushes, and
washes his hands.
Blaze clicks his fingers at Kelly.
26/6/13
6
BLAZE
Cash Cash? Dollar Dollar Bill Yo?
Kelly empties her pockets.
KELLY
Ive got five bucks.
BLAZE
Then you gotta go. No pay. No stay baby girl.
Kelly is stuck.
Enter Steve. Steve gets back into bed with his
laptop and starts watching an episode of House.
His phone rings again. He lets it go to voice
mail. He considers whether or not to check it for
a moment then pauses the show and picks up his
phone and calls 101.
SHARRON
(Through phone speaker)
Steve its Sharron. We have you rostered to work today and youre not here, again. Look I
can only assume you no longer intend to work with us. This is the last time Im going to
call.
Kelly continues at reception.
KELLY
Look I dont have any enough money right now, but Im pretty sure Im going to get this
job I applied for last week. So can you just let me stay another week and Ill pay you then.
BLAZE
Sorry lady, rules is rules, I cant just give away things for free.
Kelly considers her drink cards.
BLAZE
You got a boyfriend?
KELLY
No.
BLAZE
No?
FLASH FORWARD - Steve and Kelly meet in
center stage.
26/6/13
7
KELLY
No.
STEVE
What do you mean no?
(he grabs her)
Get the fuck out of my house.
KELLY
Get off me. Ill scream. Ill cry rape.
STEVE
What?
Steve lets her go. Hes astounded. END FLASH
FORWARD.
Kelly returns to the reception. Steve gets back
into bed and continues watching TV on his
laptop.
At reception.
KELLY
Yeah, no, I, I dont have a boyfriend. I dont want a boyfriend and even if I did I still
wouldnt ask him for money.
BLAZE
Youve been here a while right?
KELLY
Yeah
BLAZE
You must have some mates who can spot you.
KELLY
Not really.
BLAZE
Why dont you just ask your parents?
KELLY
Because Im an adult.
BLAZE
Go on the dole.
26/6/13
8
KELLY
I dont want to go on the dole. And its a two week wait.
BLAZE
Well I cant just give you a room on tick. If you cant pay youve got to go pack your
things and hit the road Jacqueline.
Kelly and Steve meet center stage FLASH
FORWARD
STEVE
Get the fuck out of my house.
KELLY
What? Why? No.
STEVE
No?
KELLY
No!
END FLASH FORWARD. They return to their
corners.
BLAZE
If you cant pay youve got to go pack your things and hit the road Jacqueline. Rules is
rules.
KELLY
Can you make just one exception?
BLAZE
If I start making exceptions for you then where does it end? The whole order of things
could collapse then its Fire and brimstone coming down from the sky! Rivers and seas
boiling! Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes! The dead rising from the grave!
KELLY
Human Sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria.
BLAZE
What?
KELLY
Its from Ghostbusters.
BLAZE
Right. Havent seen it. Anyway no exceptions. Unless, maybe, you could do something for
me.
26/6/13
9
Kelly interprets this as a proposition which she
finds both disgusting and hilarious.
KELLY
Ahh yeah. No thanks.
Kelly takes her card back and walks towards her
mattress.
Blaze takes his desk off stage. Kelly starts
packing her clothes.
Phil enters Steves side of the stage far right and
knocks on a closed door.
Steve ignores the knocking.
PHIL
Hello?
He knocks again.
PHIL
Hello?
Phil leaves.
Steve stops what hes watching gets up gets a
glass of water. He drinks some and
contemplates the boxes and one pile covered by a
sheet. He puts the glass down on the bedside
table.
Kelly tries to get everything together into a big
pile. It looks like shes got more stuff than will fit
in her bag. As she starts folding Kelly calls
someone about a job.
KELLY
Hi Susan, My names Kelly Walker I applied for a position with your company as a
receptionists last week and Im just following up to... Hello?
She has been cut off. She calls again.
26/6/13
10
KELLY
Hi, My names Kelly Walker, sorry I must have dropped out there. I was just calling to
follow up on... Oh they gave you that job. OK. Congratulations. Well if theres anything
else that comes up please tell them to keep me in mind. Thanks.
Holding his laptop in one hand Steve starts
recording a vlog. (Project what he is recording)
Steve pulls a sheet off a pile of random old man
objects, mostly clothes, he starts sorting through
them puts them into a box.
STEVE
(to laptop camera)
Hi there. OK so this is day 12 of sorting through Dads stuff.
Steve pulls another sheet off to reveal Rowdy a
taxidermy dog.
STEVE
Holy shit! Rowdy. Fuck. How are you girl?
(to laptop)
This is Rowdy. She was Dads dog. She was pretty awesome.
Rowdy obviously doesn't answer. She just stares
at Steve with surprisingly kind eyes. Steve sorts
through various objects placing them into
different boxes - rubbish, salvos, sell, sort later.
Steve finds a bright orange lock box. It look like
a tool box or a fancy camera case.
STEVE
Interesting... But locked.
He examines it and tries to open it but its locked
with a combination lock.
STEVE
(To Rowdy)
Dont suppose you know the combination girl? Nope didnt think so.
(to laptop)
Hey if anyone knows how to pick locks. Send me a message ok.
He puts the box carefully aside, sorts through a
few more items then finds an old notebook, a
fake beard and a wooden spoon with a face
burned into it.
26/6/13
11
STEVE
So this looks look old wool but its actually a beard, that I made from old wool. When I was
little I saw Peter Russell Clarke on TV;
(sings the theme song)
Peter, Gday, Russell, Gday, Clarke!
Have you see that thing where he swears, its awesome, Ill try and put a link up, anyway I
saw Peter Russell Clarke and wanted to be a cook. I made this beard and made a huge mess
in the kitchen. Mum went ape shit and I thought Dad was going to belt me. Mum and Dad
got in a big fight about it. Mum thought Id get hurt if I was allowed to cook by myself,
Dad told her I wasnt an idiot. I remember that part because whenever I did something
really stupid he would say
(Impersonates his father)
What are you an idiot?
(back to normal)
They didnt know I could hear them. After the fight Dad and I made a deal, hed teach me
to cook something once a month if I promised to clean up and not to do anything on my
own until I was a grown up. Wed dress up and stuff. We did it for years, got really good
at it. This is our cookbook. You know I forgot all about it.
Steve starts reading the book. Steve stops
recording.
Kelly is struggling to get everything to fit. She
empties out her bag in frustration.
Kellys phone rings, she checks the ID, reacts to
it, takes a breath then answers.
While Kelly packs and talks Steve will make set
changes on stage removing the mattress and the
boxes and setting up the kitchen, a simple
dinning table with chairs, a bench, a fridge and
a stove top. Steve will also bring Rowdy into the
kitchen with him for company. When the kitchen
is set up, and places at the table set Steve will
start cooking risotto. (Have him fry up
something thats been partially prepared
earlier).
Kelly puts the phone on speaker and keeps trying
to pack.
KELLY
Hi Sis, hows it going?
CAMILLA
(through speaker)
Hi Smelly! Hows Melbourne.
26/6/13
12
KELLY
Yeah good. Really really good. Busy. Busy with work but things are going great. Just
working on something now.
CAMILLA
See any bands this week.
KELLY
Yeah heaps. Theres gigs on all the time.
CAMILLA
Fuck it sounds so cool there!
KELLY
Yeah its pretty sweet.
CAMILLA
Better than here thats for sure. Its so boring here. And all the guys are total douchebags. I
want to find me a guy like your guy. Steve.
KELLY
Ill ask him if he knows anyone for you. How are you? What do you want?
CAMILLA
Geez cant I just check in with my sister?
KELLY
Sorry Im just a bit stressed at the moment. Cos of work being so busy.
CAMILLA
So, I just wanted you to know youve inspired me.
KELLY
OK. Thats good I think.
CAMILLA
Im moving.
KELLY
To your own place?
CAMILLA
To Melbourne! Are you excited!
KELLY
Do you really think thats a good idea?
26/6/13
13
CAMILLA
Umm yeah!
KELLY
Its just that you know its not that easy. I got lucky with my job and you might not be as
CAMILLA
(interrupting)
Ive already got a job.
KELLY
Really?
CAMILLA
Yeah same thing I do here. I arrive in two days. Can I stay with you? Please please please?
I cant wait to see your place.
KELLY
Umm. Wow!
CAMILLA
Yeah I know I just thought like Kelly always says how cool it is there and you only live
once and like if you can do it I can do it right.
KELLY
Well yeah. But you know my place is pretty messy and you know I snore.
CAMILLA
And fart!
KELLY
I do not!
CAMILLA
Do too!
KELLY
You hated sharing a room with me.
CAMILLA
I hated everything when we were young.
KELLY
I mean you could stay with me I guess but you might be more comfortable in a hotel or
something.
CAMILLA
Are you too cool for me now?
26/6/13
14
KELLY
No its not that at all, its just that Im really busy and Ive got early starts and...
CAMILLA
I dont care. I miss you! Just till I find a place. Couple of nights? You found youre place
right away yeah, you said it was easy.
KELLY
Its just that. Promise you wont tease me.
CAMILLA
I promise I will tease you.
KELLY
I had fleas. So yeah.
CAMILLA
Ewww! And bullshit. Fine I get it. You can be just like Dad sometimes you know.
KELLY
Thats not fair.
CAMILLA
No? Dont insult me by making shit up if you dont want me to stay with you just say
KELLY
I would love for you to stay with me its just that
CAMILLA
Whatever.
KELLY
Seriously. I want to see you. Look I got to go but well go out when you get here OK I
promise.
CAMILLA
Do you want me to bring any of your stuff over for you?
Kelly finally succeeds into getting everything into
the bag but for one black dress and a pair of
heels.
KELLY
Nah, I dont need anything right now. I gotta go.
CAMILLA
Youre buying the first round and I want fancy Melbourne cocktails.
26/6/13
15
KELLY
Bye.
Kelly hangs up.
Kelly contemplates her bag, the dress, the flier
and the drink cards that are now neatly laid out
on her bed.
She decides to get changed into the dress. When
shes dressed - Exit Kelly
Steve is reading from the notebook he found,
putting the finishing touches on a pan of risotto
(Would be great in the theatre to have the actual
smell of this).
STEVE
Remove from heat, add butter and grated Parmesan. Stir until butters melted. Finally stir in
parsley, and squeeze of lemon, and season generously with salt and cracked black pepper.
Steve carefully serves himself. At the other end of
the table is an empty seat.
Steve sits down and takes a moment to smell the
food. It smells really good.
STEVE
Smells good.
Steve pours himself some wine and takes a bite
of the food, its great, his face is almost
orgasmic. He lets out a MOAN. He takes a sip of
wine, slowly, mindfully. Its perfect. He makes
more PLEASURED SOUNDS. For a moment
Steve is pleased with himself.
When Kelly is all dressed up she exits ideally
around now, but timing is not so important.
The moment passes.
Steve instinctively wants to tell someone about
his success, his thoughts escape from his mouth -
STEVE
Wow youve got to try this.
26/6/13
16
But the moment he hears his voice he knows
there is nobody there for him to share his food
with. He looks to the vacant chair.
STEVE
You wanna try some Rowdy?
Rowdy doesnt move.
STEVE
No? Its really good. No of course you dont. You always hated Parmesan cheese. And
youre dead.
His triumph turns to disappointment and
frustration. He takes another bite but this time it
brings him no joy.
STEVE
Fuck!
He downs the glass of wine in a gulp.
He slams his fists down on the table.
He walks to the bin and considers throwing his
meal out.
He thinks better of it.
He gives Rowdy a pat.
STEVE
Sorry girl its not your fault youre dead... Sometimes I just... Whats the point?
As he continues to talk to Rowdy Steve puts the
bowl back on the table and gets some clingwrap
out of a drawer. He carefully places the wrap
over his meal and puts it in the fridge.
He empties the rest of the pan into another bowl.
Puts cling wrap on it and stores it too.
He dumps the pan in the sink runs some water
over it and leaves it there.
26/6/13
17
STEVE
I just, I dont want to be here.
(talking to himself)
So go out Steve.
(to Rowdy)
I dont remember the last time I went out. You know that was his magnificent parting
advice. Im there in hospital, Im out of ideas so I ask him - Dad, I just keep thinking
about her and I feel like shit, what can I do? He says
(impersonating his father)
Go and get yourself a root Stevie, any idiot can do it, just go out, get drunk, dance with
one of the chubby ones, and remember to piss off early in the morning.
(Back to normal)
And then he says
(impersonating his father)
You know thats the only reason I havent banged one of the nurses... cause I cant
leave.
(back to normal)
That was it. He died a few hours later.
Steve pours himself some more wine.
STEVE
I just. I want to want to be alone, to be able to make something I like and like it without
wanting to share it with anyone else.
He stares at Rowdy.
STEVE
Fine! Ill go out. Whats the worst that can happen?
FADE OUT
Exit Steve.
ACT 1 - SCENE 2 - IN DA CLUB
An invisible DJ pumps out a playlist of 2010ish
hits including - In Da Club by 50 Cent, Bad
Romance by Lady Gaga, Memories by David
Guetta, Barbra Streisand by Duck Sauce, One by
Swedish House Mafia.
A smoke machine fills the right side of the stage
with smoke. Mirrorball lights and lasers cut
through the smoke. The occasional strobe effects
triggers in time with the music.
26/6/13
18
Steve is all dressed up - black jeans, dress shoes,
a shirt (tucked in) and a suit jacket. He is making
a half hearted attempt at dancing. His hair is
slicked back. Hes a terrible dancer.
Down-stage left Kelly is all dressed up in her
black dress, she hands her drink card to the bar
tender and gets a drink. She has her bag with
her. She watches Steve on the dancefloor.
Steves failed pick up attempts are to invisible
characters downstage somewhere in the smoke.
WORKSHOP THIS - FIND BETTER JOKES
STEVE
Ill bet that guys hardly ever talk to you because theyre scare too because youre so
pretty... No? Heaps of guy hey? That must get annoying...
STEVE
Hi. Do you ladies come here often? Its my first time here. I havent been out clubbing in
ages. How good is this disc jokey? Oh, OK, bye.
STEVE
Hi can I get you a drink? What ever you want. You dont drink, but, youre just holding
that for a friend. Coke? Water? No?
Steve dances to a different area of the stage and
tries again with more unseen club chicks.
STEVE
Hi. Hey if I told you I liked your body would you hold it against me?
STEVE
I asked if I told you I liked your body would you hold it
STEVE
Would you hold it against me.
STEVE
Its a play on words. Hold it against, like... forget it.
Discouraged Steve stops dancing and heads
towards the bar to drown his sorrows.
26/6/13
19
The music isnt as loud at the bar. To reflect this
the music should slowly fade down into the
background as he walks to the bar.
Steve struggles to get the Bar Tenders attention.
Note: The Bar Tender is a stage hand - all black,
barley visible. Blaze can double as the Bar
Tender.
Kelly laughs again at Steve, he notices her
laughing at him. Kelly smiles at him and shakes
her head then signals him over. He walks up to
her.
STEVE
Im terrible at this arent I? I dont know what I was thinking.
KELLY
Yeah, youre pretty bad.
Kelly gestures to the bar tender who was
ignoring Steve before and he comes right over.
STEVE
(To Kelly)
Thanks. What do you want?
Kelly hesitates.
STEVE
I got it.
KELLY
No, its fine.
STEVE
Least I could do, Id probably never even get a drink without you.
KELLY
Beer?
STEVE
Come on.
26/6/13
20
KELLY
(To Steve)
OK then boss, fine.
(To the bar tender)
Ill have a zombie.
STEVE
(To the bar tender)
Make that two.
The bar tender produces two ridiculous looking
tiki cups overflowing with umbrellas, fruit and
adorned with tiny plastic monkeys.
Kelly nods Steve toward his drink. He takes it.
Steve chases the straw around with his mouth.
This amuses Kelly no end. She claps. Steve gets
fed up. He takes off the fruit and umbrella and
straw and takes a mouthful. He nearly chokes.
KELLY
You OK?
STEVE
Yeah. No Im great. Im just getting over a bit of a cold. Still have a bit of a cough.
Steve pretends to cough.
KELLY
Sorry, its a tricky drink.
STEVE
No its awesome, really. I love it. Its like Im a giant in a tiny tropical Rene Margarita
painting... Cos of the apple. And the umbrellas... Rene Magritte was a surrealist painter
who painted businessmen and apples and umbrellas...
KELLY
(Interupting)
I know who Magritte is.
STEVE
...and a Margarita is a drink and Im a bit drunk and I got confused.
KELLY
I know. I got it.
STEVE
Really?
26/6/13
21
Kelly takes a small plastic monkey off her drink
and holds it up to Steve.
KELLY
Ceci n'est pas une ape
STEVE
Cute.
KELLY
Hes yours now. Take good care of him.
STEVE
Thanks. I always wanted a pet monkey. Wait hes not one of those outbreak monkeys is
he?
KELLY
Sorry?
STEVE
Like on of the ones with a deadly virus that could wipe out all humanity? Like in the movie
Outbreak.
KELLY
I havent seen it... But no hes not Hes a good monkey. Well sometimes he steals
sunglasses from tourists and pisses on them and other cheeky money things but other than
that hes a good guy.
Steve carefully places the monkey into his inside
pocket.
For a beat or two Kelly and Steve drink and
watch the dance floor.
STEVE
I like zombies. The real ones. Well I mean not the real ones, but the ones that arent a drink.
KELLY
I gathered. I dunno I think theyre kind dumb...
STEVE
Yeah I mean I like how dumb they are.
KELLY
Im fucking with you. I love zombies. Obviously.
STEVE
(Relieved)
Oh good. Because I do really like zombies. Whats your favorite zombie film?
26/6/13
22
KELLY
Do I have to pick one?
STEVE
No, not if you dont want to. I mean if you cant think of one.
KELLY
28 Days Later.
STEVE
Not a zombie film.
KELLY
What?
STEVE
(condescending)
Victims of the rage virus dont die before turning, so technically theyre not zombies.
Everyone knows that.
KELLY
Right.
Steve takes another sip.
KELLY
(a beat)
Whats with you and viruses?
STEVE
Sorry. Its just that, its not really a zombie film.
KELLY
Fine.
Steve knows hes been a dick but doesnt know
what to do next.
STEVE
You want to pick another one?
KELLY
Resident Evil.
Steve goes to correct her but then stops himself.
KELLY
What?
26/6/13
23
STEVE
Nothing.
KELLY
OK fine thats not technically a zombie film either because its a virus, I get it.
They both laugh.
STEVE
I wasnt going to say anything.
KELLY
(teasing)
It was killing you though.
STEVE
Jill Valentine is pretty kick arse.
KELLY
(Agreeing but delivered as though Steve just said no shes not)
Yeah she is!
(normal)
What about you? What purist zombie master piece do you have up at the top of your list.
Steve responds instantly.
STEVE
Weekend at Bernies II
Kelly laughs and punches him.
They look into the smoke watching the unseen
crowd some more.
STEVE
People are weird.
KELLY
Yeah.
STEVE
I dont get it.
They keep watching the dance floor. Kelly looks
at Steve, then looks away. Steve looks at Kelly
then looks away.
26/6/13
24
KELLY
Youre a cute guy. You dont need to try so hard. Oh and dont talk about viruses so
much.
STEVE
Right.
KELLY
What youre not like sick, like sick sick or something are you?
STEVE
No.
KELLY
Swine Flu?
STEVE
No.
KELLY
Herpes?
STEVE
NO!
KELLY
Lupus
STEVE
Its never lupus.
Kelly smiles, she too has watched House.
KELLY
Here.
Kelly roughs up Steve's hair, styling it differently,
she undoes his top button and untucks his shirt.
She lingers close to him for a moment before
moving back and sizing him up.
KELLY
Much better.
STEVE
Thanks.
26/6/13
25
KELLY
Youre welcome.
STEVE
Have you been here before?
KELLY
First time. Its not really my type of place.
STEVE
Me neither. Where do you like to go?
KELLY
I dunno, theres this one place, cocktail bar with all these old leather couches called Poppy
that I really like. I know youre meant to go to those kind of places with friends but I really
liked going there by myself and reading and drinking scotch and pretending I was in some
fancy gentlemans club.
STEVE
I can see you as a fancy gentleman.
KELLY
Gee thanks.
STEVE
Not that, youre not, I mean youre obviously a very beautiful lady. But you could be a
fancy gentleman too if you wanted. Although Im glad youre not.
KELLY
You think Im pretty?
STEVE
No, youre definitely not pretty.
KELLY
Ouch.
STEVE
No like pretty is like poodles and porcelain dolls, I dont like pretty, youre better than
pretty.
They go back to watching the dance floor. Steve
finishes his drink.
STEVE
Thanks for the drink.
26/6/13
26
KELLY
No worries.
Steve is unsure what to do next. He takes a step
to walk away then stops.
STEVE
Umm Im Steve.
KELLY
(Realizing that he has the same name as her made up boyfriend)
Seriously?
STEVE
Yeah. Why?
KELLY
No reason
STEVE
You?
KELLY
Kelly.
Steve tries to shake Kelly's hand with the hand
hes still holding the empty glass in. Kelly offers
her left hand but Steve has swapped the glass
into his other hand. Steve concedes that he cant
even get a hand shake right. He ends up settling
for an awkward bow. Steve curtseys.
STEVE
I should probably just go yeah?
KELLY
Yeah.
STEVE
Yeah.
KELLY
Do you want to get out of here?
STEVE
Im sorry. I didnt mean to annoy you. Thanks for the drink. Have a good, yeah, sorry,
thanks.
26/6/13
27
Steve goes to leave. Kelly stops him.
KELLY
No silly.
Kelly speaks slowly and deliberately
KELLY
Do you want to get out of here?
She waits for a response, but Steve is confused.
KELLY
Fuck Steve. I think youre cute. Do you wanna go. Somewhere else?
Kelly opens her eyes a little wider and leans
forward. Steve doesnt get it.
KELLY
Like home... Like do you want to go home... And take me, with you... To your home?
Steve thinks about it then he finally gets it, but he
doesnt believe it.
STEVE
Really?
Kelly smiles and nods.
KELLY
Yes.
STEVE
Yeah. Yeah Id like that.
KELLY
Good. Me too. Lets go.
Kelly finishes the rest of her drink. She picks up
her bag, its clearly heavy but she is determined
to carry it herself.
STEVE
Do you want me to get that?
KELLY
No its fine, I got it.
26/6/13
28
STEVE
OK.
They leave together. (Exit Steve and Kelly)
FADE OUT.
Slowly fade out music during set change.
End Scene.
ACT 1 - SCENE 3 - GETTING INTO BED
This scene takes place entirely in Steves
apartment. This scene will require the kitchen set
up to one side and the bed on the other.
[The Kitchen is to plant Steves jacket for later -
may be the whole kitchen isnt required, but just
the table and a chair]
Steve and Kelly burst through the door kissing
and undressing. Its fairly dark in the room.
Steve stops kissing Kelly so he can hang his
jacket on the back of one of the dining table
chairs.
Kelly playfully undresses and gets onto the bed.
Steve heads towards the bed and gets his jeans
stuck and starts hopping. Hes struggling
Kelly gets up and pulls Steve onto the bed. The
impact of their landing knocks over the glass of
water Steve was drinking earlier. It falls off the
bedside table. It smashes. She stops.
KELLY
Oh fuck, sorry.
STEVE
Its OK. Just water.
KELLY
Im sorry.
26/6/13
29
STEVE
Really its fine.
KELLY
Yeah?
STEVE
Yes! Really. Seriously Ive got a tap that I can turn and get more, I dont even have to pay
for it. Well I have to pay something but its really cheap.
Steve takes a moment to get his pants off.
STEVE
Its OK. Are you OK?
KELLY
Im very OK.
STEVE
Good.
He climbs on top of Kelly and kisses her. She
rolls him over and gets on top.
Kelly kisses Steve. Steve pinches Kelly's nipples.
It hurts and not in a good way. She hits him.
KELLY
Fuck Ow!
STEVE
Sorry.
KELLY
Not so hard.
STEVE
Sorry. Its been, I thought youd like it.
KELLY
No.
STEVE
Sorry.
KELLY
Its OK. Just not so... Here.
26/6/13
30
Kelly takes Steves hand. This takes places under
the covers so we dont see it but the audience
should be able to assume where shes put it.
STEVE
Fuck youre really wet.
KELLY
Ah-huh.
STEVE
Like that?
KELLY
Higher. No. No not right (on it)
Steve is surprised - this si not what hes used to.
STEVE
Really?
KELLY
Yes really!
STEVE
There?
She stops grinding and guides his hand to the
right spot and moves it for him.
KELLY
Here let me (show you) Yes, there. Like that. Yeah.
STEVE
OK
Steve finds a rhythm. Kelly writhes.
KELLY
Yep. Thats it. Yeah. Good. Yeah. Good. Just. Just like. No. No. Colder. Colder.
STEVE
Marco?
KELLY
What?
26/6/13
31
STEVE
I was going for a Marco Polo thing with... nevermind
KELLY
Oh wait Yup. Yeah thats good. Keep doing that. Polo!
STEVE
Marco
KELLY
Polo. Polo, polo polo!
Kelly starts moaning, she gets lost for a second,
then suddenly forces herself back into reality.
She gets off Steve.
STEVE
(Did I do something wrong?)
Marco?
KELLY
No baby that was good, but Im not going to come for you unless you fuck me.
STEVE
Look , sorry, umm I havent really done this before.
KELLY
What? Are you a virgin?
STEVE
Oh, no. No no. Definitely not a virgin.
(but by that I dont mean Im a total slut)
I mean not definitely.
Kelly waits for Steve to explain himself.
STEVE
Ive just never had a one night stand before.
KELLY
Is that what this is?
STEVE
Isnt it?
KELLY
Im joking. Seriously like never?
26/6/13
32
STEVE
Well once when I was in high school with the girl who played Healthy Harold.
KELLY
What?
STEVE
The life education thing.
KELLY
What?
STEVE
You didnt have Healthy Harold?
KELLY
No.
STEVE
Its like a giraffe puppet thing that goes around from school to school and tells kids how to
be healthy. Dont do drugs, one drink isnt always just one drink, that sort of thing.
Anyway thats not important. The girl who played Harold asked me if I could help her
pack up afterwards and I ended up losing my virginity in back of the life education van
while the severed giraffe head watched us with its big cartoon eyes. Afterwards I asked
her if she wanted to be my girlfriend and she laughed at me and I tried to act tough and
pretend I was joking but I ended up crying and running away and Ive kind of been
creeped out by giraffes ever since. But that was during the day time so I dont think it
counts.
KELLY
(cute noise)
(overlapping Steve)
Aww. Wait how old were you?
STEVE
14. And Ive been married for ten years.
KELLY
Jesus thats young... Wait, what? Youre
married?
STEVE
Were separated. She moved in with some guy six months ago. Shed been fucking him for
a year. I didnt know.
KELLY
(interrupting)
Steve.
26/6/13
33
STEVE
Its all over. Itd been over for a long while, just no one thought to tell me.
Kelly waits for Steve to look her in the eye. He
does.
KELLY
Steve!
STEVE
What?
KELLY
Shut up.
STEVE
OK.
KELLY
I think youre beautiful, beautiful like fancy gentleman and I want you inside me.
STEVE
OK
Fade out.
ACT 2 - SCENE 1 - THE MORNING AFTER
Magpies sing.
Lights up.
The kitchen is gone. Steves bed is center stage.
Its morning and the room is warmly lit. Kelly is
in bed sleeping alone. Steve has carefully
climbed out of bed and is in the shower. We can
here water running.
Enter Steve wearing a towel. His hair is slicked
back again. He carefully silently gets dressed
into a suit.
Steve leans over Kelly.
STEVE
(softly)
Hey Kelly.
26/6/13
34
Kelly audibly FARTS.
Steve laughs.
Steve gently rocks Kelly by the shoulder trying to
wake her.
STEVE
Kelly.
KELLY
Wha, What?
STEVE
Hi sleepyhead.
KELLY
Why are you wearing clothes?
Kelly has panda eyes, her hair is a mess. She
pulls on Steve's belt trying to get him back into
bed.
STEVE
Can I drop you off somewhere? Ive got to go to work.
KELLY
Work! Booooo! Who works on a Saturday?
STEVE
I do. Where abouts do you live?
KELLY
You smell nice. Like apples and...
STEVE
Apple and mint. Its my shampoo.
KELLY
Come back to bed shampoo boy.
STEVE
Really Ive got to go.
KELLY
No. Stay.
26/6/13
35
Kelly succeeds in undoing Steve's belt. She starts
undoing his pants. Steve tries to shoo her away.
STEVE
Seriously Ive gotta...(go)
Kelly bites her bottom lip and gives Steve a come
hither look. She slides one hand under the sheets
and starts slowly masturbating. Kelly wriggles
on the bed while trying to pull Steve's pants
down with the other hand.
STEVE
Are you?
KELLY
Ahuh.
Kelly kisses Steve's belly.
For a moment Steve forgets what he was saying.
Kelly lets out a few little moans.
Steve tries to keep his pants up.
STEVE
Kelly, I
Kelly tugs on Steve's pants.
KELLY
Marco?
STEVE
Ill be (late)
KELLY
I want to feel your cock in my mouth while I make myself cum.
Steve stops fighting her. His pants fall to the
floor.
STEVE
Polo.
FADE OUT.
26/6/13
36
ACT 2 - SCENE 2 - LATER
Same set up as the previous scene.
Steve and Kelly lie in bed both looking spent and
satisfied. Kelly snuggles into Steve. Steve strokes
her hair and neck for a while. Steve pats Kelly
twice, the right, time to go kind of pat, and
then goes to get up.
STEVE
OK
KELLY
What?
STEVE
Time to go.
He gets up.
KELLY
What?
STEVE
To work.
KELLY
Are you kidding me?
STEVE
No. I gotta go.
KELLY
Youre just going to leave now?
STEVE
Yes.
KELLY
Dont you want to ask me to be your girlfriend?
STEVE
I can still drop you off at the station if you want.
KELLY
At the station?
26/6/13
37
STEVE
Im already late.
KELLY
Prick.
STEVE
What? Sorry I dont know where you live, like if its on the way I can drop you off there,
but otherwise, if its not really on my way.
KELLY
You fucking prick. I thought you were actually a nice guy Steve but youre not are you.
Youre just another creep.
STEVE
Sorry I
(beat)
No wait, fuck you. I am a nice guy. Im not obligated to drive you anywhere. Its nice of
me to offer. And I have to go to work. Maybe youve got some regular Monday to Friday
9-5 job but I dont. I have to work. People have to work.
Kelly glares at Steve. Steve looks back wide eyed.
Steve starts looking for his pants.
Kelly and Steve freeze and the lights on them
dim.
Enter Phil with a full length mirror. Phil is at
his home getting ready. He is wearing a nice
suit, white shirt, grey pants. Phil starts to do up
his tie in a full windsor (it may take him more
than one attempt) as he puts on his tie he talks to
himself in the mirror.
PHIL
(to himself)
OK. Its just work. Its business. People have to work. You can do this mate. Youre a
professional. Its part of the job. You dont have to like it to get it done. Just fucking dob it
in there. Whats the worst thing that could happen? He punches you in the face? No. He
cries. Oh fuck what if he cries.
Exit Phil.
Kelly takes a breath, then gets up.
KELLY
Sorry. Look sorry. Youre not a prick. I just. I get a bit vulnerable afterward. And Im
hungry. I get cranky when Im hungry.
26/6/13
38
I like you Steve, I would very much like it if I could spend the whole day in bed with you
watching movies, eating pizza and fucking. But if you have to go, you have to go. A lift to
the station would be great. Do you mind if I have a quick shower first? Ill be quick.
Kelly begins to walk off.
STEVE
What type of pizza?
KELLY
Fancy pizza. Gringo Mexican Pizza, with sour cream and a dessert pizza, custard, apples.
And maybe some ice cream. And a Coke.
STEVE
What movie?
KELLY
Have you seen Zombieland?
STEVE
(excited)
No!
KELLY
Does Zombieland fit your strict criteria for zombie movies?
STEVE
I think so. I dunno I havent seen it yet.
Steve pretends to think about it for a second but
his mind is already made up. Hes staying home.
STEVE
Well I guess I am already pretty late.
KELLY
Yeah youre really really late.
STEVE
OK
KELLY
Really?
STEVE
Yeah. Ill call in sick.
26/6/13
39
KELLY
YES! Wait are you sick? What are you symptoms?
Steve finds his phone and pretends to call
someone. Kelly attempts to examine him and
tickle him while hes making the call.
KELLY
Have you recently been bitten by a monkey? Do you have a fever? Swelling of the skin?
Have you recently visited the Umbrella Corporation? Could it be Alien hand syndrome?
Spider fingers? Have you pissed off any practitioners of voodoo lately?
You can think of your own funny actual or made
up diseases.
Steve convincingly pretends to call work.
STEVE
(sick voice)
Hi its me, sorry to call so late, I would have called earlier but Ive been really really sick...
Yeah I dont think I can come in today. Thanks.
Steve pretends to hang up. Steve makes it
obvious hes not talking to anyone but Kelly.
(to Kelly)
Symptoms Joint pain, a nasty rash, photosensitivity, fever, headache, extreme fatigue...
KELLY
Could it be lupus?
Steve puts the phone down.
STEVE
Its never lupus.
Fade out.
ACT 2 - SCENE 6- DINNER AND A MOVIE
A large couch. A TV on a stand. A door. A coffee
table.
Kelly, dressed in a an extra large t-shirt sitting
on the couch.
26/6/13
40
Steve, in a robe, is hooking up his computer to
the TV - hes not having much luck.
There is a knock at the door.
STEVE
Sweet that will be the Pizza, can you get it?
KELLY
Do I need money?
STEVE
Nah. I did the credit card thingy on the internet.
KELLY
Cool Cool Cool.
Kelly opens the door. Phil stands there looking
nervous and confused. Hes holding a box of
man sized tissues. He wasnt expecting to see a
woman. Hes obviously not the pizza guy.
KELLY
Wheres the pizza?
Phil thinks about it for a second, looks at Kelly,
looks through to see Steve setting up the movie.
Steve doesnt look up and doesnt see Phil. Phil
decides to come back some other time.
PHIL
Sorry... I think... I must have the wrong place.
KELLY
OK.
Phil leaves in a hurry. Kelly closes the door and
returns to Steve.
STEVE
Wheres the pizza?
KELLY
It was some random. Wrong apartment.
Kelly sees something off stage.
26/6/13
41
KELLY
Is that a dead dog in the kitchen?
STEVE
Oh thats Rowdy.
KELLY
Rowdy?
STEVE
You wanna see her?
KELLY
Umm, Yeah. Can I?
STEVE
Sure. She was my Dads.
Steve goes off stage and comes back with Rowdy.
He puts Rowdy down.
STEVE
Shes a good girl. Whos a good girl? Whos a good girl?
KELLY
Is it wrong that I got a little turned on by that?
STEVE
Yes. No. A little... She does tricks.
KELLY
No!
STEVE
Wanna see?
KELLY
I have a feeling youre going to show me anyway.
STEVE
Rowdy... Sit.
Rowdy... Stay. Good Girl.
Rowdy play dead.
Steve looks to Kelly for approval.
26/6/13
42
KELLY
You did not just make that joke.
STEVE
Yup I did.
KELLY
How are you going with that? We can just watch it on your laptop if you cant get it to
work I dont mind.
STEVE
Nah I can do it.
KELLY
OK.
(a beat)
So you talk to Rowdy?
STEVE
Sometimes.
KELLY
What about?
STEVE
Nothing in particular. What about you do you have a dog, or would you say your more of a
cat person.
KELLY
What do you think?
STEVE
I dont know. Youre a hard one to crack.
FLASH FORWARD
Lights down - spotlight on Steve. Steve sits with
his laptop and the locked box.
He plays a youtube clip - (audio + may also be
projected) something inspired by -
youtube.com/watch?v=cGkOj0W_Zbw but a bit
more concise.
Steve will follow the instructions and react
accordingly
26/6/13
43
LOCK PICK HOW TO
So something different today. I found this lock and it reminded when I was a kid i found a
bicycle lock, combination lock and worked out how to break it, and I thought what kind of
a useless piece of crap is that, if even a kid can work out it. Which brings me to this lock,
which I found, which is also a combination lock. OK and now Ill show you how to pick
it, you have to pull on the shackle, make sure you are always pulling it away from the lock
and you start at the end at the last tumbler thing. Just spin it and it locks into place and as
long as your pulling hard on the shackle it will just lock into place. And you go from right
to left or in some you go from left to right and there you have it. The lock opens.
As the clip plays Steve works the lock
STEVE
Holy shit that actually worked.
Steve opens the bright orange case.
STEVE
Jesus-Fuck Dad.
Steve very carefully holds up a gun.
STEVE
Yup. Thats definitely a gun.
END FLASH FORWARD
Steve returns to the couch.
STEVE
Youre a hard one to crack. So whats your story? Tell me about yourself.
KELLY
Is this a job interview?
STEVE
(Business voice)
Yes. Tell me about a time when you had to face a difficult obstacle and how you took
action to over come it.
KELLY
Do you want me to have a go at it. Im pretty good with computers.
STEVE
No its fine.
26/6/13
44
KELLY
I worked at an apple shop once. I think I know what youre
STEVE
Ive got it OK. Just back off.
KELLY
You know it is not a big deal. You should really learn how to let other people help.
Steve ignores her.
KELLY
Maybe do a google search for how to hook it up?
Steve succeeds in hooking up the laptop.
STEVE
There!
Instead of Zombieland the porn starts playing.
Loud moaning can be hear for a couple of
seconds, maybe someone saying something
particularly weird or fucked up. Something like.
PORN LADY
Yeah give me that juicy man meat.
PORN MAN
You aint going to shit right for a month.
Steve quickly pulls the plug out again.
There is a long awkward silence that can only
come when you accidentally play porn and you
are pretending that it didnt happen.
STEVE
Yeah that was umm. A documentary I was watching this morning about, diet. A vegan
documentary thing. About how its better to eat vegetables because meats not good for
your digestive system...
Enter Doug - the pizza guy.
Theres another knock on the door.
DOUG
Pizzaman!
26/6/13
45
STEVE
(relieved)
Thank fuck!
(cover up)
Im starving.
Steve goes to get the door.
Steve returns with the pizzas.
STEVE
So like where did you grow up? Whats your favorite ice cream flavour? What where you
like as a kid? What did you want to be when you grew up? Whats your favorite colour?
Kelly ignores him and goes for the pizza box but
Steve stops her from opening it.
KELLY
I dunno, fuck.
(a beat)
WA, pistachio, and when I was little I actually wanted to be a lawyer but that was never
going to happen. There.
Steve waits for more.
STEVE
And...?
KELLY
And? And... fine
(quickly, matter of fact)
My parents had me when they were both really young. Like teenagers young. I dont think
either of them finished high school. They tried being together for a bit, even had another
baby, my sister, she looks nothing like me. I look nothing like Dad. Do the math on that
one. Weve never talked about it. Mum fucked off. Left Dad some shitty note about feeling
suffocated. Got on a plane to somewhere. I got a postcard from Paris once. Dad wasnt
really equipped to deal with a kids. He did his best, worked really hard in whatever jobs he
could get, pretended to be happy, and I pretended I didnt know he wasnt. Enough?
STEVE
Yup.
He opens the pizza box and they start eating.
STEVE
But I actually meant and... whats your favorite colour?
Kelly laughs and playfully shoves him. He
returns to the laptop.
26/6/13
46
KELLY
(mouthful)
Blue.
STEVE
There.
Steve succeeds in hooking up the laptop.
STEVE
Ready?
KELLY
No wait. My turn now. Why Zombie movies?
STEVE
What?
KELLY
Why do you love Zombie movies?
Steve considers his answer then -
STEVE
I guess I like how its simple. Its impossible to take anything for granted. Lifes too short
to over think things, you just have to make the best of whatever youve got and go for it.
Sometimes I think I would be a lot happier if I could live like that. What about you? What
do you like about zombie films.
KELLY
I like how in some of them, the best ones, the women get to kick arse instead of needing to
be rescued like a stupid Disney princesses. I like that.
STEVE
You dont like Disney?
KELLY
Oh come on!
STEVE
But the songs are so catchy!
Steve sings playfully-
STEVE
Under the sea - deh deh dah dah
KELLY
Little Mermaid is the worst.
26/6/13
47
Steve keeps singing.
KELLY
In order to make herself more attractive to a man Ariel has some sort of witchcraft cosmetic
surgery the price of which is giving up her voice.
Steve continues to sing
KELLY
Its basically saying that as a woman what you have to say doesnt matter all that matters is
that men think youre pretty.
STEVE
Sorry I wasnt listening. I was too busy being distracted by your breasts because Im a
man and thats all men care about. No wait thats not all we care about, I mean my buddy
Prince Eric was more of a leg man.
KELLY
Im serious.
STEVE
Alright Jezebel dot com Disney is the root of all evil.
KELLY
You dont think so?
STEVE
Look I think I might like you, and I like that you can talk and I want to eat pizza with you
and watch Zombieland and then talk some more, so...
Steve reaches for the remote. Yes he has a
remote - yes thats a thing.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apple_Remote
Kelly holds the remote hostage not convinced
Steve fully sees the evils of Disney princesses.
STEVE
Look I like singing animals.
Kelly moves the remote further away.
STEVE
In 18th century Europe or whatever rightly or wrongly if you were a woman finding a
good husband made a pretty big difference to your quality of life and I think its important
to remember fairy tales in the context of where and when they came from, but yes, yes I
agree with you by todays standards they are a bit bullshit.
26/6/13
48
And as a gesture of my progressiveness Im going to let you keep the remote control, but I
still like singing animals. OK?
KELLY
OK.
Kelly smiles satisfied with his answer and
presses play.
We hear the start of Zombieland.
Fade out.
ACT 2 - SCENE 7 - BILL FUCKING MURRAY
Later.
Kelly is cuddled into Steve. They are lit by TV
light.
We can hear as Zombieland finishes.
Empty pizza boxes lay on the floor.
Steve gets up and turns off the TV and turns on
the lights.
STEVE
Bill fucking Murray!
KELLY
Bill fucking Murray! Hey do you know about billmurraystory dot com?
Steve shakes his head.
KELLY
Oh youve gotta check it out. Its this blog dedicated to stories about Bill Murray. Most of
have Bill doing something crazy then whispering to his victim No one will ever believe
you before disappearing.
STEVE
Are they true stories or made up?
KELLY
Thats kinda the whole point. Some of them definitely are though, they have pics and stuff.
26/6/13
49
STEVE
That was really good.
KELLY
It was good but...
STEVE
(interrupting)
The pizza and the movie. And you, youre pretty good too.
KELLY
(As if Steve just said No youre not! )
Yeah I am!
STEVE
It was good but what?
KELLY
It was good but I hate clowns.
STEVE
Really? Is it the big shoes? Or the creepy smiles?
Steve pulls a face.
KELLY
Stop!
Steve grabs Kelly's boob and squeezes it.
STEVE
Honk honk!
KELLY
Youre not funny.
STEVE
Oh yeah?
KELLY
Yeah. Well how about this then - Brrrrrhmmph Brrrrhmmp!
Kelly tries to make giraffe noises and act like a
giraffe.
KELLY
Yeah. How do you like that?
26/6/13
50
Steve laughs at her.
STEVE
What the fuck are you doing?
KELLY
Im being a giraffe.
STEVE
Oh really? Is that how it is, is it?
KELLY
Yup. Mmmrrrhhph!
Kelly keeps on trying to be a giraffe. Steve starts
to tickle Kelly' until she laughs. He playfully bites
at her neck.
STEVE
Brains!
She fights him off.
KELLY
Youre such a dag.
STEVE
Its pretty common.
KELLY
What? You being a dag?
STEVE
No, youre thing - Coulrophobia.
KELLY
Im not scared of claws.
STEVE
It means fear of clowns.
KELLY
I know that! It cant be that common.
STEVE
It is!
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KELLY
But fear of claws would be more common.
STEVE
When something looks or moves like one thing but then reveals itself to be something else
our brain see the contradictory information and it doesnt like that so we go all Ahhhhrgg
or Mnnyyhhh... (and freak out)
KELLY
Oh so its not as cool as youre super rare exotic giraffofobia.
STEVE
Camelopardophobia.
KELLY
Well arent you just an expert on being afraid of things? What about Margitte?
STEVE
(teasing)
Who?
Kelly playfully punches him.
STEVE
Im pretty sure he was afraid of drowning.
KELLY
His stuffs a bit uncanny but I like him.
STEVE
I know.
Kelly wraps her T-shirt around her face until
she resembles one of Magrittes Lovers.
KELLY
Kiss me.
STEVE
Thats a bit weird.
KELLY
Are you scared?
STEVE
No.
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KELLY
Kiss me.
Steve is unsure.
KELLY
Do it.
Steve tries to pash Kelly through the fabric. It
doesnt really work. Kelly reveals her face again.
They laugh.
KELLY
You want to go again? I want to go again. Rule 1 - Cardio.
STEVE
Im not sure if I can.
KELLY
Kiss me properly.
He does.
KELLY
Good. Harder.
Kelly starts touching herself and wriggles.
STEVE
Are you starting without me?
KELLY
What do you think?
STEVE
That whole T-shirt thing really did it for you huh, kinky bitch.
KELLY
Ahuh.
Kelly wipes her hand against Steve's face
showing off how wet she is. Steve doesnt know
how to take this.
KELLY
But dont call me bitch. Play with my nipples.
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STEVE
Last time that didnt work out so well.
KELLY
Its fine, just dont pinch. Be gentle. Use your mouth. Through the t-shirt.
Steve starts sucking on one of her nipples
through the T-shirt, she strokes his hair, but
shes distracted and hes confused. Its not quite
right. He stops.
KELLY
Ive got pizza breath. I should brush my teeth.
STEVE
Yeah cool. Do you want to use my toothbrush?
KELLY
No Ive got my own.
STEVE
Youve got youre own?
KELLY
Yeah. In my bag.
Kelly gets her toothbrush out of her bag and
holds it up. Its an expensive electric one.
STEVE
Do you always carry a toothbrush around with you?
KELLY
Umm yeah. Sure. Why not? Everyone does. Dont you? Dont you care about dental
hygiene Steve?
STEVE
Everyone does not carry a toothbrush with them.
KELLY
I do.
STEVE
Do you have your own toothpaste too?
KELLY
Yes actually. I have sensitive teeth.
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STEVE
Do you do this often?
KELLY
What brush my teeth?
STEVE
No. This.
KELLY
What?
STEVE
You know. Go home with guys. Is that why you carry a toothbrush?
KELLY
(sarcastic)
Yes Steve Im a massive nympo slut. I mean Id have to be to want to fuck you wouldnt I.
Kelly pushes past Steve heading towards the
bathroom.
STEVE
Kelly!
KELLY
What?
STEVE
Rule 2: Beware of bathrooms.
KELLY
Fuck you.
Exit Kelly.
STEVE
Kelly!
Steve chases after her.
Exit Steve
FADE OUT
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55
ACT 2 - SCENE 8- DENTINE HYPERSENSITIVITY
Kelly stands in front of a simple sink and
bathroom mirror. You can use a real mirror or
an empty frame positioned so that the audience
can see through the hole where the glass would
be.
A shower is also on stage. (It can be above a
bath recycled from Madeline, of just two taps
and a nozzle on a piece of wood, or a glass box)
She is brushing her teeth.
Enter Steve.
Steve comes up behind Kelly and tries to hug
her.
Kelly goes limp and stops brushing.
STEVE
I see why you need that toothpaste.
Kelly just glares at him.
STEVE
Because youre so sensitive.
(a beat)
Im sorry.
KELLY
That wasnt nice Steve.
STEVE
No it wasnt. Im sorry.
KELLY
I dont. I dont do this sort of thing often.
STEVE
You should. Or youll get cavities and gingivitis.
KELLY
Very funny.
Kelly has an idea. She reaches her arms back
around Steve.
26/6/13
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KELLY
Youre forgetting something.
STEVE
What?
KELLY
That its also important to...
She grabs the back of his boxers and gives him a
wedgey.
KELLY
Floss!
Kelly laughs. Steve isnt happy at first but then
gets over it and they laugh together. Friends
again.
They eye each other off in the mirror.
STEVE
So.
KELLY
So.
STEVE
So you look kind hot bent over the sink with all that toothpaste in your mouth.
KELLY
(accusing)
Now youre getting turned on.
STEVE
No.
KELLY
You wanna fuck me while I brush my teeth.
STEVE
Maybe.
KELLY
Whos the kinky bitch now.
STEVE
Umm. Yeah dont call me a bitch.
26/6/13
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KELLY
Yeah see... OK then
STEVE
What?
Kelly wiggles her butt back to press against
Steve's crotch and turns her toothbrush back on.
KELLY
Dentist Ive got a hole that needs filling.
STEVE
Really?
KELLY
Ahuh. Drill me.
They laugh and kiss.
KELLY
Quick get a condom.
Exit Steve.
Kelly tries to make herself look sexy, practises
pouty faces in the mirror and tries to get the
angle right for the best amount of cleavage.
Sucks her stomach in. Offstage Steve looks for a
condom.
STEVE
(offstage)
I dont think Ive got any more.
KELLY
Thats OK. I think Ive got some. God Im going to need new underwear.
Enter Steve.
STEVE
In your bag?
KELLY
Yes Steve. Fuck. They were giving them out at the host(el), at the hospital, that, I work at.
STEVE
You work at a hospital?
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KELLY
Yeah. Im a nurse.
STEVE
Have you got clean underwear in there too?
KELLY
Yeah.
STEVE
Let me guess everyone carries around spare underwear.
KELLY
No. But I do.
STEVE
Ahuh. What else have you got in there Mary Poppins? How long are you planning on
staying?
KELLY
Until you learn not to be an arsehole?
(sarcastic)
Then we can go fly kites together!
(a beat)
Sometimes I spot.
STEVE
What?
KELLY
Sometimes I spot. Ive just changed the pill that Im on and sometimes I randomly get my
period a little bit.
STEVE
That doesnt happen.
KELLY
Ahh yes it does. Do you want to call my gyno and ask them to write me a note. Fuck, no
wonder your wife (left you).
STEVE
Wait no wonder what?
Kelly realizes shes gone too far, she tries to
change the topic.
KELLY
Do you believe in God?
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STEVE
No wonder what?
KELLY
I, before during (sex) I said God.Whats the deal with that? Do you think its just
something we learn from the movies? I want to, believe in God, but I dont think I do.
STEVE
Listen I think maybe its time...
KELLY
My brother died from cancer a few of weeks ago.
STEVE
Your brother?
KELLY
Yeah.
STEVE
Oh Im sorry. What type of cancer?
KELLY
Blood cancer
STEVE
(making up a name and testing her)
Lymphocemia?
Lymphocemia is a made up disease from an
episode of Fringe, it does not exist.
KELLY
Yeah thats it. And when it was near the end the Doctor asked if we wanted a priest. The
Doctor, I mean, I dunno that was weird I thought like Doctors would be all about science
and stuff.
STEVE
What hospital was it?
KELLY
The Royal Melbourne.
STEVE
Really. Ive got some mates who work in admissions there. Did you meet Dr Biryani
Masala right? Hes an oncologist there.
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KELLY
Yeah. I think so.
STEVE
How about that moustache he has?
KELLY
Yes its a pretty full on.
STEVE
Did your brother see a specialist for Lymphacemia?
Steve deliberately pronounces Lymphacemia
differently this time. This is not a typo.
KELLY
There were a lot of Doctors. I dont really remember.
STEVE
I thought Lymphacemia only effected children. Are you sure it wasnt, what am I saying of
course your sure. I mean you work in a hospital, youre a nurse and brother died from it.
Sorry. Are you a nurse or...?
KELLY
Yes. Im a nurse.
STEVE
I want you to leave now.
KELLY
What?
STEVE
I want you to put on your clean underwear, put on your clothes, pack your toothbrush back
into your bag, take your free hospital condoms and leave.
KELLY
No.
STEVE
Get the fuck out of my house!
KELLY
What? Why? No.
STEVE
No?
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Steve goes to grabs Kelly and tries to physically
remove her, she struggles. He shakes her hard.
It gets out of hand.
KELLY
Get off me. Ill scream. Ill cry rape.
Steve lets her go. Hes astounded.
STEVE
What?
Steve struggles to believe that anyone would
actually make a threat like that.
STEVE
What?
Kelly doesnt repeat herself.
STEVE
Oh get fucked. I dont care. Im going to call the cops.
Steve goes to leave and get his phone. Kelly
chases after him and tries to stop him. She
stands in his way.
KELLY
Dont. Look, please dont. Please. Im sorry. I dont have a brother. I dont work in a
hospital. And I dont really like Zombie movies that much. I mean I like em, theyre OK,
but I prefer romantic comedies.
Steve gives her a go on - this better be good
look.
KELLY
Im sorry. I dunno I wasn't thinking. That was really really dumb. I dont have anywhere
else to go. My sisters coming from Perth to see me tomorrow, expecting me to be happy
with a great job, and a house, and a boyfriend and Ive got none of those things. Im kinda
homeless.
STEVE
Oh great, well that explains it then.
KELLY
No, Look I didn't fuck you because I needed a place to sleep.
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STEVE
No? No? So what - you just fucked me because you needed a place to sleep and a last
minute boyfriend to show off to your sister?
KELLY
I didnt plan this Steve. I was just going to cash in my drink cards, people watch, stay till
they closed then go sleep in the Botanical Gardens during the day or something, I dont
know. Then. Then I saw you and I thought you were cute. And I talked to you and... I
dont go home usually with guys Ive just met, but you were kind and awkward and hot,
and I had nothing left to lose, and the more I was with you the more I really liked you, and
then, then I guess I saw an opportunity maybe if I could stay just one more night...
(a beat)
Oh dont pretend youre all high and mighty. I know you were just looking to fuck me to
get over your wife, but you're a good guy Steve, I wanted to be honest with you but. Look
I just wanted to stay here as long as I could... It was dumb. I know what this is. I just
wanted to pretend for as long as I could that this was my place too.
STEVE
Look, take your time, have a shower. Have you got youre own shampoo? No? Use my
shampoo. But then I want you to go. I can give you some money, but I cant help you.
KELLY
I dont want you to fucking help me.
STEVE
Fine.
Steve waits for her to get out of the way.
Kelly gets out of the way.
Steve exits.
Kelly tries to turn on the taps but they are too
tight from her.
KELLY
Fuck!
(a beat)
Steve! Steve! STEVE!
Steve enters
STEVE
What?
26/6/13
63
KELLY
Could you turn the water on for me please.
Steve turns on the water. (Water sounds)
STEVE
There.
KELLY
Thank you.
STEVE
Sorry, its a bit tricky.
A beat.
STEVE
Thats not too hot is it?
KELLY
No thats good
STEVE
OK then. All good.
KELLY
Yeah.
STEVE
OK
Steve exits.
Fade out.
Water sounds continue during the change.
ACT 3 - SCENE 1 - THE MORNING AFTER THE MORNING AFTER
Back to Steves bedroom with the mattress and
boxes and items.
The next day. Sunday.
Birds. Lights up.
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Steve wakes up alone in the same clothes.
STEVE
(sarcastic)
Great! Well thanks for that awesome advice Dad, I feel so much better now!
Steve pulls his laptop into bed. He checks
facebook, the news, looks at a few seconds of
porn, but is quickly bored. He slaps the lid shut
and gets up stepping right on the broken glass
left on the floor from last night.
STEVE
Ahhh! Fuckcunt!
Steve looks at the cut. Its not too bad.
STEVE
Alright, (where can I find some) band aids.
Steve goes back to sorting through things.
He takes the locked box and shakes it. He holds
it up to his head and listens to it. He tries to
force it but cant. He puts it down on the bed
again.
Steve rummages around through stuff but cant
find any resembling a first aid kit.
He picks up a shoe box and empties out some
random object becoming distracted by the
contents he finds a business card.
STEVE
Paramour Escort Service - Australia's most exclusive agency, Paramours escorts are the
most exclusive high class models in Melbourne... Seriously Dad? Whatever your occasion,
whether its late night fun, dancing, or just someone to share dinner with...
Steve thinks about it then gets his phone and
calls. As he makes the call he continues to search
for a band-aid unsuccessfully.
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STEVE
(into phone)
Umm Hi. Im Steve... Oh sure, yeah its Steve McKenzie. M.C... Umm do you really need
that? OK Sorry I dont really know how this works its 0438 548 449. Umm Im not
sure... OK... G.F.E? Oh Ok then umm yeah, yeah that sounds good. GFE not PSE. Hey I
think a friend of mine might have used your services. NO! No, defiantly not looking for
the same girl, no he was my father actually. Do you know if he...
Thats OK no I understand, I just... I just want to make sure I dont get a girl who was
with my Dad... Tonight?... Ariel? Like as in The Little Mermaid? I dont think I want
someone new new. Oh cool so just new to Melbourne but not new to the, the business.
Yeah thats great. Yeah she sounds nice. Umm do you think she might be able to bring a
packet of band aids? God no. No I dont want that, no, no Im definitely dont want her to
pretend to be a nurse. I cut myself... no NO! Not on purpose. I just stepped on a broken
glass, by accident and I dont have any band aids thats all. OK. yeah... sorry. No. No I
know your not a delivery service. OK. Yeah, sorry. Yeah lets make a booking. Wow that
much? I guess then, maybe just an hour.... I cant really afford a hotel. I live alone.
Apartment 3/147 St Georges Road, North Fitzroy... Yeah cash is fine... OK.
Steve listens to a long explanation, like hes been
giving safety tips before sky diving.
STEVE
Cool. Umm Yes. Yes thats all pretty clear. Yeah cool. Thanks. Bye.
Fade out.
ACT 3 - SCENE 2 - CINDERELLA
More loud dubstep plays as the scene changes.
Blaze wheels on his desk. Kelly approaches him.
KELLY
Umm, Hi.
Blaze raises his hand not looking up, he waits
for the drop and nods his head in time.
BLAZE
(without looking up, eyes closed)
How brutal is that?
After a few beats he looks up and sees Kelly.
BLAZE
Oh its you.
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KELLY
Hi.
BLAZE
(What do you want?)
Yeah?
KELLY
So you said the other day instead of paying for a room, maybe we might be able to work
something else out.
BLAZE
I dunno princess. You acted like you were too good for
KELLY
Im not saying Ill do it I just want to know what you want me to do.
BLAZE
Hang on.
Exit Blaze
Kelly waits.
Enter Blaze with an apron, rubber gloves, a
mop and a bucket.
KELLY
You want me to wear that? Like pretend Im a French maid or something?
BLAZE
You can pretend to be Cinderella for all I care. You want a night on tick, we need the
kitchen, showers and the toilets cleaned, then the hall and the rooms need to be vacuumed.
When youve done that come see me and Ill give you a key.
KELLY
You need a cleaner?
BLAZE
Yeah. What did you think (I wanted)?
KELLY
I thought you might be propositioning me.
Blaze doesnt follow.
BLAZE
Why would I want to marry you?
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KELLY
No Propositioning. like asking for sex.
Blaze laughs hysterically.
BLAZE
Fuck no! Oh God. I mean nothing personal but youre not my type, I just like women who
are you like
KELLY
What tall?
BLAZE
No like hot. And I work at a backpackers hot chicks are like throwing themselves at me all
the time.
KELLY
OK. Fine. Im in.
BLAZE
Cool cool. Oh yeah youre going to want this.
Blaze pulls a bucket of sawdust out from behind
the counter.
KELLY
Whats that?
BLAZE
Sawdust.
KELLY
Sawdust?
BLAZE
Yeah, for the vomit.
ACT 3 - SCENE 3 - PAYING FOR IT
Steves kitchen
Steve is dressed up nicely. His hair is slicked
back. He sits down at the table and nervously
fidgets. Checks his reflection in his phone, fixes
his hair. The table is set for two. He lights the
candles and dims the lights then sits down again.
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Theres a KNOCK at the door. He opens the
door to see Ariel. She is dressed in a fancy
dress, immaculate make up. She looks like she is
ready to go to the opera or an awards
ceremony. She affects a voice like Holly
Golightly. Steve is a bit stunned. He just stares at
her.
ARIEL
Hello. Steve?
STEVE
Yes. Sorry. Hi.
ARIEL
Hello. Im Ariel. Would you like to invite me in?
STEVE
Would you like to come in?
ARIEL
Thank you.
Ariel walks into the apartment, she turns up the
lights and looks around the room taking it all in.
ARIEL
So this is your first time?
STEVE
Yes.
ARIEL
Dont worry darling were going to have a lot of fun. OK?
He nods
ARIEL
Good boy. Do you have a gift for me?
STEVE
A gift?
ARIEL
Yes honey a gift. A few wallet sized pictures of Dame Nellie Melba? Or perhaps more
fittingly Edith Cowen?
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Steve is confused. Ariel makes the Money
symbol with her fingers rubbing her index finger
against her thumb.
STEVE
Oh right money. Sure
Steve goes to get his wallet.
ARIEL
Do you mind if I freshen up? Leave my gift on the table. Ill be out in a minute and Ill go
over the rules and then you can tell me all about yourself?
STEVE
You know you look familiar...
ARIEL
Like the Little Mermaid? I get that a lot.
STEVE
No, thats not it. You look a bit like... nevermind.
ARIEL
Is she pretty?
STEVE
Who?
ARIEL
This woman I look like.
STEVE
Umm.
ARIEL
Prettier than me?
STEVE
No, youre prettier.
ARIEL
Right answer. Ill be right back.
Exit Ariel
Steve puts the money on the table next to Ariels
plate. Making a neat pile.
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Enter Ariel.
Ariel returns from the bathroom and sits down
at the table casually taking her money and
slipping it into her bag.
ARIEL
Sit down. Relax. Im not going to hurt you.
Steve sits.
Ariel points to the bottle of wine.
ARIEL
Is that for us?
STEVE
Yes.
Ariel takes the bottle of wine off the table,
inspects it to make sure it hasnt been opened.
Notices the label.
ARIEL
Very nice. Shall I open this for you sir?
STEVE
Please.
Ariel cleans her glass under the tap, then opens
the bottle and provides a professional table
service, lingering seductively near Steve so he
can see down her top. She then returns to her
seat and pours for herself.
ARIEL
Cheers.
STEVE
Cheers.
They take a sip.
ARIEL
This is really good.
26/6/13
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STEVE
Thanks. I bought it myself.
Ariel laughs perhaps a little to much. Then ends
it like a laugh track and its down to business.
ARIEL
So the basics are this, You are paying me for my time only nothing more, what I do during
that time is up to me- If I say no or stop I mean it and you stop. If I tell you that I dont do
something then I dont do it, no debates. I dont do rough stuff. Ill kiss you if I want to
kiss you. I think Ill probably want to kiss you. I like being touched softly. If I want to
have sex I always practise safer sex, which means I always use a condom. I bring my own
condoms. Treat me like a princess and Ill treat you like a king. OK?
STEVE
Yeah. I dont really, well I wasnt really planning on... Yeah thats OK
ARIEL
Obviously we dont have to do anything that you dont want to do. So Steve tell me what
you like? Describe your perfect date to me.
STEVE
I. I was pretty much just looking for someone to have dinner with me.
ARIEL
Im not sure we have that much time, but maybe, where did you want to go?
STEVE
Umm here. I made mushroom risotto.
ARIEL
Oh, Oh Im sorry Stevey, Id love to go out for dinner with you. But I dont eat anything
that I dont know about.
STEVE
Its really good? Just a couple of bites?
ARIEL
Remember what I said about debates? You do seem like a awfully nice guy Steve, but
thats just one of my rules. We can get take away or go shopping and Ill cook you
something if you like. I bet youll think I look pretty hot in an apron.
A beat.
STEVE
Yeah this isnt going to work.
26/6/13
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ARIEL
Tell me what youre worried about.
STEVE
This. You. You dont like me. Youre just pretending.
ARIEL
Pretending can be a lot of fun Steve. You can pretend too if you like. For the next hour I
can help you be whoever you want to be.
STEVE
And then what? I was never very good at pretending.
ARIEL
Honestly Steve you really do seem like a sweet guy. Youre quite attractive. I love your
hair. And Im sure youre a great cook.
STEVE
How am I meant to believe you? Even if you did eat the risotto Id still have no idea if you
really liked it or if you were just saying you did.
ARIEL
I dont like mushrooms. I dont like Mushrooms, bad breath, and clowns. I hate clowns.
STEVE
Coulrophobia
ARIEL
Not really. But I do like broccoli. What about you Steve. What do you like? Do you like
me?
STEVE
Im sorry Ariel I think I want you to leave.
ARIEL
Well If thats what you want. You know we could just jump straight to dessert?
STEVE
I didnt make any dessert.
Ariel shakes her head.
STEVE
Yeah. I sorry this was a mistake I just want to be alone.
Ariel drops the Holly Golightly voice and the act.
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73
ARIEL
You just break up with someone recently?
STEVE
Pretty much.
ARIEL
Listen just because she didnt get it doesnt mean theres something wrong with you. Even
if it feels that way.
STEVE
You dont really think that. Of course theres something wrong with me.
ARIEL
No theres not. You probably think that you need some woman to validate you, to get your
confidence up, but you dont, it wont hurt, but you dont need it. You dont need me to eat
your food to know its good. Sooner or later youre just going to have to have some faith
in yourself. You really want me to go?
STEVE
Yeah is that OK?
ARIEL
Yeah its fine by me.
Ariel stands.
ARIEL
Look if you ever feel like another appointment. If you need some practise or someone to
talk to Id be more than happy to go to a nice restaurant with you sometime. You know
how to reach me.
STEVE
Thanks.
Ariel walks over to Steve, breaths him in, then
kisses him softly on the mouth before letting
herself out.
Exit Ariel.
Steve sits alone at the table and sips his wine.
Enter Kelly on the other side of the stage in her
cleaning gear mopping. We again have two
difference places on stage at once.
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74
Exit Steve
Enter Steve - Steve returns with the lock box and
his laptop.
LOCK PICK HOW TO
(Projected)
So something different today. I found this lock and it reminded when I was a kid i found a
bicycle lock, combination lock and worked out how to break it, and I thought what kind of
a useless piece of crap is that, if even a kid can work out it. Which brings me to this lock,
which I found, which is also a combination lock. OK and now Ill show you how to pick
it, you have to pull on the shackle, make sure you are always pulling it away from the lock
and you start at the end at the last tumbler thing. Just spin it and it locks into place and as
long as your pulling hard on the shackle it will just lock into place. And you go from right
to left or in some you go from left to right and there you have it. The lock opens.
As the clip plays Steve works the lock
STEVE
Holy shit that actually worked.
Steve opens the case.
STEVE
Jesusfuck Dad.
Steve very carefully holds up a gun.
STEVE
Thats definitely a gun.
Kelly gets to the vomit.
KELLY
Yup thats definitely vomit.
Kellys phone rings
KELLY
Heya Cammy. Yeah. I dont know if. Fine. Look Ive got to do a few things at work first
but I could meet you in an hour? Yeah. Yeah fine. Ill text you the address.
Exit Kelly
STEVE
(To Rowdy)
(DeNiro)
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75
Im standing here. You make the move. You make the move. Its your move. Dont try it
you fuck.
(Eastwood)
I know what your thinking did he fire six shots or only five.
(Groucho)
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know.
BANG BANG BANG - Theres is a knock on the
door. Steve shits himself.
You can think of other gun related movie quotes
if you like.
STEVE
(sotto)
Fuck
Lights up on Phil as stands on the other side of
the door holding a man sized box of tissue and a
document. He knocks again.
STEVE
(shouting)
Im coming, Im coming. Hold on.
Steve opens the door.
STEVE
Hi.
PHIL
Are you Steve McKenzie?
STEVE
Yes I am. Is something wrong? Wait who are you?
PHIL
Im Phil.
They shake hands.
STEVE
Steve, nice to meet you Phil.
PHIL
Are you the husband of Lynda McKenzie?
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STEVE
Yes, well were separated, why? Whats, whats going on? Is everything OK? Is she OK?
PHIL
Shes fine. I need you to sign and date, here and here.
STEVE
Why? Whats going on?
PHIL
So I can deliver you this.
STEVE
Is this a gift? Like flowers or something.
PHIL
Fuck, Hey can I come in a second?
STEVE
OK.
Steve leads Phil into the kitchen.
PHIL
Look Im sorry mate Im servicing you with divorce papers. I know it sucks, but if you
could you sign these forms to acknowledge that youve received them Id really appreciate
it.
STEVE
Right. I should have known that. I didnt think a delivery guy would wear a suit.
PHIL
Yeah.
Steve takes a moment to digest.
STEVE
What happens if I dont want to sign?
PHIL
Honestly, for you, nothing. I have to do all this extra paper work and no doubt will get
yelled at by my boss for not just pretending to be delivering something but for you the
result is pretty much the same.
STEVE
Can I ask you something?
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PHIL
Sure.
STEVE
Do you like risotto?
PHIL
Yeah.
STEVE
Mushroom?
PHIL
I love mushrooms.
Steve goes and gets the bowl of risotto and a
spoon.
STEVE
Can you try some of this for me?
PHIL
Umm, I dont know mate.
Phil notices the gun on the table. Tries not to
look at it.
STEVE
Just try it and tell me what you think and I promise Ill sign whatever you need.
PHIL
Sure thing mate whatever you want.
Phil takes the spoon and bowl and tries some
risotto to humour Steve. Steve notices Phil
looking at the gun.
STEVE
Oh dont mind that.
PHIL
The gun?
STEVE
Yeah I just found it.
(re the food)
So what do you think.
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Phil pretends to take a bite.
PHIL
(Trying to humour Steve)
Its really good.
STEVE
Wait are you just saying that because theres a gun on the table.
For a lawyer Phil is a terribly unconvincing liar.
PHIL
No really. Are you like a chef or something?
STEVE
Seriously I only just found it, this is my Dads place, he died. Cancer.
PHIL
Fuck that sucks - are you OK? Ive got tissues.
STEVE
Im OK. Here you take the gun.
PHIL
Im fine, really.
STEVE
Take the gun.
PHIL
Umm I dont want to put my fingerprints on it. Like what if its a murder weapon?
STEVE
Its not.
PHIL
How do I know.
STEVE
Trust me.
PHIL
Umm what happens if I dont trust you.
STEVE
Ive got some washing up gloves you can put them on
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PHIL
OK I guess that works
STEVE
Would that be ok?
PHIL
OK
Steve gets some pink rubber gloves and gives
them to Phil. Phil puts them on.
PHIL
Do you have anything less pink?
STEVE
No, is that OK?
PHIL
I guess
STEVE
Pick up the gun.
Phil tentatively picks up the gun.
STEVE
OK now youve got a gun. Youre wearing gloves. Youre the boss. If you hate the food
you can tell me to get fucked and shoot me in the face.
PHIL
Is it loaded?
STEVE
Its loaded.
PHIL
It doesnt feel like its loaded.
STEVE
Lets just assume its loaded.
Phil checks it.
PHIL
Im pretty sure its not loaded.
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STEVE
Do you want me to pull the trigger and find out?
PHIL
Lets assume its loaded.
STEVE
So you can say whatever the fuck you want.
PHIL
I guess so.
STEVE
Phil
PHIL
Yes.
STEVE
Would you please try the risotto.
PHIL
I dont think I want to.
STEVE
For fuck sake try the risotto!
Phil tries it and is amazed at how good it
actually is.
PHIL
Fuck this is actually really good. Do you mind if I sit down?
STEVE
Go for it. Take your time, you can finish it if you want Ive got more
Phil sits.
PHIL
Can I put the gun down now.
STEVE
I guess.
PHIL
Fuck with cooking like this why are you ordering pizza?
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STEVE
What?
PHIL
I came by yesterday, but you looked like you were busy. I didnt want to spoil it, so I just
left.
STEVE
Youre the wrong apartment guy?
PHIL
Yeah.
STEVE
Thanks.
PHIL
Youre welcome.
STEVE
OK lets do it.
Steve reaches for the papers. Phil flinches.
STEVE
Fuck mate just getting the papers.
PHIL
Oh yeah, sorry, here. So whats happening with her?
Phil hands the papers to him. Steve sits down
and reads them quickly.
PHIL
Have you got a pen?
STEVE
You didnt bring a pen?
PHIL
No. No I didnt. This is my first time. I usually have my assistant do this stuff but she
resigned last week, poor thing was diagnosed with lupus.
STEVE
(re looking for a pen)
Hang on.
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Steve then reaches inside the jacket on his chair
looking for a pen. He pulls out the plastic
monkey and contemplates it.
PHIL
Is that a monkey?
STEVE
Ceci n'est pas une ape
A beat. Steve puts the monkey down on the table,
reaches back into his jacket and takes out a pen.
PHIL
I hope you dont take this the wrong way but I wouldnt divorce you.
STEVE
Thanks.
PHIL
Can you cook anything else?
STEVE
Yeah, heaps of things.
PHIL
I reckon you could start a catering company or something if you wanted to. And a blog!
STEVE
Really?
PHIL
Fuck the blog. But yeah do offices and stuff, theres good money in it. Were always busy,
end up eating the same old shitty take out at our desks most days.
Steve signs the papers. Gives them back.
STEVE
Hey have you heard of Poppies, I think its a cocktail bar.
PHIL
Do you mean Poppy?
STEVE
Yeah. Know where it is?
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PHIL
Yeah its just down the road.
STEVE
Are they open Sundays?
PHIL
I think so. Hey sorry again mate I really hate having to do this sort of thing. Hey you dont
know anyone whos looking for a job do you?
STEVE
Seriously?
PHIL
Well actually yeah. Just shit kicking stuff like this, female would be better, people tend to
take bad news better when it comes from a woman. Wouldnt be a lot of money in it, but
maybe a company car.
STEVE
I might know someone.
PHIL
Heres my card.
Phil gives Steve his card.
Fade out.
ACT 3 - SCENE 4 - POPPIES
A nice couch. A table.
Kelly sits on the coach waiting.
Enter Camilla (Ariel), dressed down.
CAMILLA
Kelly!
KELLY
Cammy!
They hug. Happy to see each other.
CAMILLA
God, how are you?
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KELLY
Good good. You?
CAMILLA
What does your hair smell like?
KELLY
God I hope it doesnt smell like vomit.
CAMILLA
No its like apples and...
KELLY
Mint. Yeah its a new shampoo. I thought I really liked it but I dunno I dont think Ill use
it again.
CAMILLA
Its oddly familiar.
KELLY
Its pretty common. I mean. Apples right?
They sit.
KELLY
So you got a job here?
CAMILLA
Yeah.
KELLY
Who are you working for?
CAMILLA
Well its just temp work. Like through an agency. I dont really have a set office.
KELLY
An agency. Cool. Which one?
CAMILLA
You wouldnt have heard of them. Theyre boutique.
KELLY
But they are getting you work?
CAMILLA
Yeah heaps.
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KELLY
Are they looking for anyone else? I mean Im not asking for me obviously but Ive got a
friend who
CAMILLA
Their books are closed right now. I only got in because I did some work for one of their
regular clients who was in WA on a business trip and he put in a request for me. So yeah.
Enough about work. Boring. What about you? Hows things with you and your boyfriend
Steve? I want to meet him. When am I going to meet him.
KELLY
Well its tricky.
CAMILLA
Ah-oh, did you guys have a fight?
KELLY
No its just, I mean, I dunno, you know?
CAMILLA
If hes out of the picture does that mean I can stay with you now?
KELLY
No. No. Hes not out of the picture and you cant stay with me anyway, because Im
staying at a hotel right now, while they fumigate, because I had fleas.
Kelly starts scratching and will continue to
scratch on and off from here on.
CAMILLA
Which hotel? Does it have a pool? The one Im staying at doesnt. Can we go to the pool
together?
KELLY
No its just a cheap one.
CAMILLA
Whats it called? Maybe its the same one as my one - how funny would that be?
KELLY
Well its actually a hostel. Its really close to work which is convenient because it means I
can sleep in, and you know how much I love sleep.
CAMILLA
Sleep? In a hostel?
KELLY
Its really pretty quiet and Ive got ear plugs.
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CAMILLA
Right. Do you want a drink? Im going to get a drink. Whats good?
(looking through the menu)
How about a Zombie? You love zombies!
KELLY
I think Ill just have water.
CAMILLA
Whatever.
She gets up to get drinks. Exit Camilla.
Enter Steve.
Steve walks up to Kelly.
STEVE
Hi. Look before you say anything listen. I know you dont want my help or anything but
yeah a mate of mine, lawyer, is looking for a new assistant. You wouldnt believe what
happen to the last one. I mean nothing sinister, it was just funny, I mean not funny, she got
sick and thats not funny, but it was lupus and thats funny right, anyway you would be
helping me out if you could give him a call and go in for an interview.
He hands her the business card.
Enter Camilla with a Zombie and a water.
CAMILLA
Excuse me.
STEVE
Sure
Recognizing each other.
STEVE
Hi. Hello. Hey. Wait you and Kelly dont work together do you?
CAMILLA
No. She has no idea what I do for work.
STEVE
Right.
KELLY
Have you two met?
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STEVE
No.
CAMILLA
No.
KELLY
Steve this is my sister Cammy, Cammy this is my
(she looks for his approval)
Boyfriend Steve. You remember I told you I was meeting with my sister.
STEVE
Sorry I know its just that after we had that fight about, that thing, well I just felt really bad
and I want to say Im sorry and that I still really like you and after you finish up here with
your sister I want you to come back to my place and stay with me.
CAMILLA
Did she give you fleas?
STEVE
You have fleas?
KELLY
Yes. No. Yes I have fleas. Had fleas. My apartment has fleas. I had fleas, but I got treated
for them in a special bath and I dont have them.
STEVE
When did you have fleas?
KELLY
A couple of days ago.
STEVE
And you didnt think to mention it.
KELLY
Im pretty sure I mentioned it.
STEVE
No you didnt.
KELLY
Yes I did
STEVE
No you didnt
KELLY
(please just agree with me)
Yes I did.
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STEVE
Oh wait actually, no, you did.
CAMILLA
So how long have you two been seeing each other?
STEVE
Not long
KELLY
Ages
KELLY
It hasnt been long but it feels like weve known each other for ages. Cammy has just got a
new job here and moved to Melbourne.
STEVE
Really? How are you finding it?
CAMILLA
Good.
Enter Blaze
BLAZE
Hey Kelly! Hey! Hey nice work on the chunder. Holy shit Ariel! What are you doing here?
Oh youre not like working right now are you?
CAMILLA
(Dont give away my secret)
Blaze this is my sister Kelly.
KELLY
What are you doing here?
BLAZE
Meeting up with some of my peeps for cocktails and classy times. Whos the dude?
KELLY
This is Steve, my boyfriend.
BLAZE
I thought you said you didnt have a boyfriend.
KELLY
No I didnt say that, you probably misheard me, I said I dont have a toy friend.
(to the others)
We where talking about teddy bears.
BLAZE
Nah you said you didnt have a boyfriend, didnt want a boyfriend and even if you did
have a boyfriend you wouldnt ask him for anything.
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Remember it was when you didnt have enough money to pay for your room.
(thinks hes worked out whats going on)
Oh wait Ive got it this is your boyfriend Steve and hes meeting your sister. Love it.
So I guess this means youll be able to afford another week then? Nice work! Alright sorry
Steve Ill leave you to it. Have fun.
Exit Blaze.
KELLY
That was weird. I think he like takes a lot of drugs.
CAMILLA
Yeah.
KELLY
How do you know Blaze?
CAMILLA
How do you know Blaze?
CAMILLA
We work together
KELLY
We work together
STEVE
Right, fuck it. OK. Kelly your sister is an escort. I know this because I called an escort
service last night thinking that I would feel better if I paid a sex worker to eat my risotto.
KELLY
Is that a euphemism?
CAMILLA
No hed really cooked risotto.
KELLY
Did you eat it?
STEVE
Nothing happened.
CAMILLA
It was mushroom
KELLY
You hate mushroom.
STEVE
Camilla youre sister is broke, totally broke, but shes too stubborn to ask for help, shes
pretty much homeless and I only just met her a few nights ago when after talking to my
dead dog Rowdy I decided to take my dead fathers advice and go out and try and pick up
so I could forget about the fact my soon to be ex-wife cheated on me.
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I wanted to get rid of Kelly in the morning so I wouldnt get attached so there would be no
chance of getting hurt, but she stayed I really really like her and I really want to see her
again and again and again and thats pretty scary. Like scarier than clowns and giraffes put
together. Like scarier than clown riding giraffes, or giraffes dressed as clowns, or clowns
riding giraffes that are dress as clowns. Look I was a dick. Im sorry. I would very much
to see you again. Whenever youre ready. My place or yours. This is my number.
He scrawls his number on a scrap of paper and
give it to her
STEVE
Please call me. And even if you dont Im serious about the job thing. Anyway Im sure
you two have a lot to talk about so Ill leave you to it.
Steve walks away but before he makes it off stage
Kelly calls out to him.
KELLY
Steve!
STEVE
Yeah.
KELLY
Can you buy me a drink?
STEVE
Sure.
FADE OUT
The End
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Likely rewrites -
Camilla doesnt have to say no to the food, straight out, it might work better if she is polite
at first, pretends not to be hungry, then pretends that she doesnt eat food as a rule, but then
comes clean about not wanting to be rude but she just doesnt like mushrooms - The scene
should have greater conflict of Steve wanting to get her to eat and pushing for it - and
Cammy not wanting to offend Steve, wanting him to feel confident and sexy but not
wanting to eat the food because she doesnt like mushrooms
You need a moment with Steve and Phil, where Phil tries the food and loves it, but Steve
doesnt feel better and realizes that if doesnt matter even if he believes someone else really
you can never be 100% sure of anything and that you have to trust yourself and take risks -
a moment for him to internally make the choice to go after Kelly.
There is no arc for Cammy right now - its not clear why she comes to Melbourne.
Consider a subplot for her too. Perhaps she has already been living in Melbourne for a
month and is working up the courage to come out to her sister about what she does for a
living.
Make more of a point that its a one night stand only - no emotional risk, no expectations,
nothing to worry about.
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