Respondents Provide Global Warming Opinions to 7-11

Shoplifting Cameras
From Banana News (www.bananaws.com)

Public opinions Are Warming Slower than the Atmosphere

A recent video film by the Coal Mine Canary Warning Institute has revealed the fractured nature of American
opinion when it comes to the issues of Global Warming, Green House Emissions, and the threat of both factors
to the Yoga industry and its deep breathing and exercise subsidiaries. The video, which has been watched over,
studied, and analyzed by cadres of scientists, political polltakers, industry officials, and well as Al Gore and
numerous canaries on vacation from their coal mine duties, shows that Americans simultaneously believe:
1) Global warming is a grand industrial fraud to stop American businesses from investing in and developing
the upper atmosphere in order to prevent expanding cloud formations from being counted as part of of GNP
growth.
2) Global warming is accelerating and will lead to forest fires on both the East and West coasts, brimstone soils
in the farming regions of the Midwest, and resurrection of the American South.
3) Global warming has already happened and has prevented another ice age from moving in and crushing the
Green Bay Packers at the Super Bowl.
4) Global warming is 100% the sun’s fault.
5) Al Gore does not exist as a human being and is just a molded wax museum fake who is afraid of melting into
a puddle of used birthday candles.
6) Global warming is accelerating because secret Government agencies have planted heated political rhetoric
at key geographic locations, on purpose, to push tropical minorities Northward to industrial cities where
cheap labor is needed to drive American Labor Unions out of existence and force down wages to the point that
everyone will be dependent on handouts from scientists who seek to control the Greenhouse plant industry.
7) Al Gore’s family is descended from wealthy aliens from Venus, who lost their land, and atmosphere, from
reckless Venetian coal mining companies, and who just can’t let go of the past.
8) Evolutionary theory is just a theory.
9) Global warming will increase fun and beach frolic everywhere, except the Maldive Islands, whose
population soon will be forced to relocate to the top third of the island’s coconut trees.
10) Evolutionary theory will, at times, appear to be correct, such as when the human sample for a Darwin test,
is randomly drawn from Cato institute economists, columnist George Will, and marauding English soccer
fans.
Over the past several years national survey’s of global warming opinions have provided statisticians, pollsters,
and the average reader of averages with a mother-load of statistical insights, a host of cross-variable
correlations, a list of active single variables that can’t seem to correlate; as well as providing predictions of
new variable births arising from past encounters of random, loose, and easy cross correlating variables.
However scientists, and political polltakers have expressed particular interest in the Coal Mine Canary
Warning Institute’s recent “in depth questions” about coal mines, inernational temperature disputes,
excessive carbon bonding and promiscuity, and environmental policies gone cold.
Film Director and the World’s leading expert on the social life of 7-11 parking lots, Pave Vivid, led the filming of
the Coal Mine Canary Institute’s “deep coal mine” questioning and has been quoted telling his own film:
“We started out asking 7-11 customers, why they purchased, or did not purchase, a bag of 7-11 store ice. But
instead of breaking the ice, our question led respondents to smash three film cameras, deny four shop lifting
charges, and produced one plea to purchase an illegal case of beer from a giggle-byte of minors standing
around the parking lot. I’m not making it up. It’s all in the film.”
Pave Vivid’s film was later quoted telling Pave Vivid, during the director's first round of film screening and
editing:
“Finally we realized we could get the best mileage of the question:
‘When did you realize that global warming might not be an Al Gore –invent-the-internet-exaggeration or a
conspiracy by Scientists to drive attractive sunbathing women off the beaches and into laboratory assistant
jobs? ' “
When reporters asked Director Pave Vivid just who, he believed, his films were talking to, Mr. Vivid, at
first, denied knowing himself and would not admit that he had spent the better part of each weekend watching
his own film. However, he later responded to reporters’ charge of having a personal film bias, by closing his
eyes and playing film segments to members of the press. Reporters transcribed the film segments into
newsprint, which Director Vivid argued should be published and used to form the basis of a book, whose plot
he said he planned to sell to Hollywood studios; provided he could receive full payment for the movie rights
and could write a book about his experience as film director and his work as Head of the Coal Mine Canary
Institute’s film circulation and Al Gore atmosphere department.
Excerpts from the reporter’s transcripts reveal that reporters were unable to completely translate the Coal
Mine Canary Institute's film clips into standard newspaper font:
*************************
Grainy film –over lighted parking lot, Pave, with camera:
“When did you realize that global warming <might not be an Al Gore –invent-the-internet-exaggeration or a
conspiracy by Scientists to drive attractive women off the beaches and> into laboratory assistant jobs?”
Teenage blond in Parking lot: “Oh wow, I thought like you wanted me to talk about the bag of ice. Global
Warming----like, I know, it’s really happening, because this guy, I know, like his older sister, says she voted
for Al Gore, and like—so it must be true."
********************
Pave: “When did you realize that global warming…--<e-t-c>--…into laboratory assistant jobs?”
Man getting out of truck: “Jellyfish.”
Pave: “I said: when did you realize that global warming …--<e-t-c>--…into laboratory assistant jobs?”
Man “And I said Jellyfish.
Floating ocean Jellyfish in Alaska.”
Pave: “Alaska?”
Man: “Yes, we took an Alaskan cruise to see walruses, seals, birds, and Exxon Mobil oil cleanup lottery
money. Not, Floating Tropical Jellyfish in Alaska.”
Pave “So you think Alaskan Jellyfish is a good sign that the earth and its atmosphere is warming up?”
Man: “How do I know? However, I do know, these blooming jellyfish are driving all the good looking women
off the beach-fronts and into a stinking bunch of bathtub assistant jobs."
***************
Pave: “Sir, I have a serious question I want you to think about before answering. Ready.
When did you realize that global warming …--<e-t-c>--…into laboratory assistant jobs?”
Man in suit: “no comment”
Pave: “no comment?”
Man: “Well you asked me to think about it first, so I can’t comment until I think.”
Pave “When will that be?”
Man: “Once I get myself some protein—Catch me next week after my family barbecue”
Pave: “bar-bee”
Man: “Hey, you sound like your tongue’s been stung by an Alaskan jellyfish. Don’t take it so personal.”
********************
Pave: “Ma’am excuse my camera. Ok, I will turn it off until you fix your makeup. Ok.
When did you realize that global warming …--<e-t-c>--…into laboratory assistant jobs?”
Woman with red lipstick: “Mmm. That’s a good question. You know it crept up on me, degree by degree. No,
Al Gore made my world colder. ---Oh, it was the African giraffe mountain—what Kil jar-you know the Walt
Disney cartoon—well I saw the 2008 nature world calendar photo, September, and the Africa Mountain did
not even have its snow top anymore. That’s when I said to my boyfriend. You know I’m not sunbathing
outside ever again. It’s just getting too weird—no snow last Christmas, ladybugs in my garden for
Halloween, and now the Africa mountain looks like it just stripped down naked for some r-rated, I outgrew
Disney World movie. I wonder if the giraffes ever think about it. But, let’s be honest. I wouldn’t work as a lab
assistant for any scientist even if it was there was fire in the air and brimstone in the soils of the Midwest.
How’d I do? You want me to answer again. I have some pink passion and purple-pant lipgloss. I can try that
instead.”
***********
Pave: “When did you realize that global warming …--<e-t-c>--…into laboratory assistant jobs?”
Man in blue Nissan Centra: “It was in 1988, when I noticed that the cross correlation of thermometer
readings, at 17 different, tomato field experiment stations, had a mean seasonal amplitude difference of
1.2746 centi-split-grade-infin-i-tives. That clearly meant that Green House gas emissions has in filtered into
the atmosphere and had, via deep yoga breathing exercises penetrated into my lung and capacities, and
therefore, had leaked gaseous oxides into my personal thinking rhythms. I therefore, was forced to try and
determine whether the seasonal amplitude difference of 1.2746, which I had perceived was the effect of real
world global warming or the imagined effect brought on by high concentrations of greenhouse gases in my
brain. I was able to determine that it did not matter. Either way green house gases were in the air or the
world was warming globally. Now where was I before, I was about to ask where I am?
Or was after."
***********
Pave ““And how old are you? Five? Great! Okaay. No weird grownup answers.
Listen real careful and look at the camera when you answer. Ready. Get ready. Ok. OK, Go!.
When did you realize that the whole earth was getting hotter and girls also might want to be scientists?”
Kid with Ice Cream Sandwhich: “Oh, My mom told my dad to me.”
Pave “Now what did your mom?"
Kid “Like she said to my dad, YOU are making me so hot. I am so hot that I am just ready too..."
Pave: "That’s the Global warming Deep Coal Mine interviews from the Coal Mine Canary Warning
Institute’s-----"
Kid: “--an then my mom started dressing in her--"
Pave: "Take a deep yoga breath and relax folks. While you still have the time and temperature to do so. And
remember global warming opinion is up to you. And the temperature readings of 7-11 parking lot pavements,
everywhere."
Kid: “Then she said to my Dad, please correlate your variables with me.”
Pave: “Remember Global warming in the future depends of global warming opinion today. And global
opinion today is not the sun’s fault or soley dependent on the surface temperature readings of 7-11 parking
lot pavements, ---"
Kid:” Oh, what a huge mother-lode of statistical insights.”
Pave: "And be sure to see the Pave Vivid, P-A-V-E V-I-V-I-D, upcoming film preview:
Chromosomes from Venus. Why Al Gore won’t take a DNA test.”
 Banana News
(www.bananaws.com)