MAGIC

A FANTASTIC COMEDY
G.K. Chesterton
From a photograph
MAGIC
A FANTASTIC COMEDY
BY
G.K. CHESTERTON
G.P. PUTNAM'S SONS
NEW YORK AND ONDON
The Kn!"#er$o"#er Press
%&%'
Cop(r!ght) %&%'
*Y
G.K. C+ESTERTON
The Kn!"#er$o"#er Press) Ne, Yor#
T+E C+ARACTERS

The D-#e
Do"tor Gr!mthorpe
The Re.. C(r!/ Sm!th
Morr!s Car/eon
+ast!ngs) the Duke's Secretary
The Stranger
Patr!"!a Car/eon

The action takes place in the Duke's Drawing-
room.
NOTE
Th!s p/a( ,as presente0 -n0er the management o1 Kene/m Foss at The !tt/e Theatre)
on0on) on No.em$er 2) %&%') ,!th the 1o//o,!ng "ast3
The Stranger Fran#/!n D(a//
Patr!"!a Car/eon M!ss Gra"e Cro1t
The Re.. C(r!/ Sm!th O.P. +egg!e
Dr. Gr!mthorpe W!//!am Farren
The D-#e Fre0 e,!s
+ast!ngs Fran# Ran0e//
Morr!s Car/eon (one/ Watts
THE PRELUDE
S"ene3 A plantation of thin young trees, in a misty and rainy twilight; some woodland
blossom showing the patches on the earth between the stems.
The Stranger is discoered, a cloaked figure with a pointed hood. !is costume might
belong to modern or any other time, and the conical hood is so drawn oer the head
that little can be seen of the face.
A distant oice, a woman's, is heard, half-singing, half-chanting, unintelligible words.
The cloaked figure raises its head and listens with interest. The song draws nearer and
Patr!"!a Car/eon enters. She is dark and slight, and has a dreamy e"pression. Though
she is artistically dressed, her hair is a little wild. She has a broken branch of some
flowering tree in her hand. She does not notice the stranger, and though he has watched
her with interest, makes no sign. Suddenly she perceies him and starts back.
Patr!"!a. Oh4 Who are (o-5
Stranger. Ah4 Who am 65 7#ommences to mutter to himself, and maps out the ground
with his staff.8
6 ha.e a hat) $-t not to ,ear9
6 ,ear a s,or0) $-t not to s/a()
An0 e.er !n m( $ag 6 $ear
A pa"# o1 "ar0s) $-t not to p/a(.
Patr!"!a. What are (o-5 What are (o- sa(!ng5
Stranger. 6t !s the /ang-age o1 the 1a!r!es) O 0a-ghter o1 E.e.
Patr!"!a. *-t 6 ne.er tho-ght 1a!r!es ,ere /!#e (o-. Wh() (o- are ta//er than 6 am.
Stranger. We are o1 s-"h stat-re as ,e ,!//. *-t the e/.es gro, sma//) not /arge) ,hen
the( ,o-/0 m!: ,!th morta/s.
Patr!"!a. Yo- mean the( are $e!ngs greater than ,e are.
Stranger. Da-ghter o1 men) !1 (o- ,o-/0 see a 1a!r( as he tr-/( !s) /oo# 1or h!s hea0
a$o.e a// the stars an0 h!s 1eet am!0 the 1/oors o1 the sea. O/0 ,omen ha.e ta-ght (o-
that the 1a!r!es are too sma// to $e seen. *-t 6 te// (o- the 1a!r!es are too m!ght( to $e
seen. For the( are the e/0er go0s $e1ore ,hom the g!ants ,ere /!#e p!gm!es. The( are
the E/ementa/ Sp!r!ts) an0 an( one o1 them !s /arger than the ,or/0. An0 (o- /oo# 1or
them !n a"orns an0 on toa0stoo/s an0 ,on0er that (o- ne.er see them.
Patr!"!a. *-t (o- "ome !n the shape an0 s!;e o1 a man5
Stranger. *e"a-se 6 ,o-/0 spea# ,!th a ,oman.
Patr!"!a. 7Drawing back in awe.8 6 th!n# (o- are gro,!ng ta//er as (o- spea#.
7The scene appears to fade away, and gie place to the milieu of A"t One) the Duke's
drawing-room, an apartment with open $rench windows or any opening large enough
to show a garden and one house fairly near. %t is eening, and there is a red lamp
lighted in the house beyond. The Re.. C(r!/ Sm!th is sitting with hat and umbrella
beside him, eidently a isitor. !e is a young man with the highest of !igh #hurch dog-
collars and all the &ualities of a restrained fanatic. !e is one of the #hristian Socialist
sort and takes his priesthood seriously. !e is an honest man, and not an ass.
7To him enters Mr. +ast!ngs with papers in his hand.
+ast!ngs. Oh) goo0 e.en!ng. Yo- are Mr. Sm!th. 7'ause.8 6 mean (o- are the Re"tor) 6
th!n#.
Sm!th. 6 am the Re"tor.
+ast!ngs. 6 am the D-#e's se"retar(. +!s Gra"e as#s me to sa( that he hopes to see (o-
.er( soon9 $-t he !s engage0 <-st no, ,!th the Do"tor.
Sm!th. 6s the D-#e !//5
+ast!ngs. 7(aughing.8 Oh) no9 the Do"tor has "ome to as# h!m to he/p some "a-se or
other. The D-#e !s ne.er !//.
Sm!th. 6s the Do"tor ,!th h!m no,5
+ast!ngs. Wh() str!"t/( spea#!ng) he !s not. The Do"tor has gone o.er the roa0 to 1et"h a
paper "onne"te0 ,!th h!s proposa/. *-t he hasn't 1ar to go) as (o- "an see. That's h!s re0
/amp at the en0 o1 h!s gro-n0s.
Sm!th. Yes) 6 #no,. 6 am m-"h o$/!ge0 to (o-. 6 ,!// ,a!t as /ong as !s ne"essar(.
+ast!ngs. 7#heerfully.8 Oh) !t ,on't $e .er( /ong.
7)"it.
7)nter by the garden doors Dr. Gr!mthorpe reading an open paper. !e is an old-
fashioned practitioner, ery much of a gentleman and ery carefully dressed in a
slightly anti&uated style. !e is about si"ty years old and might hae been a friend of
!u"ley's.
Do"tor. 7$olding up the paper.8 6 $eg (o-r par0on) s!r) 6 0!0 not not!"e there ,as an(one
here.
Sm!th. 7Amicably.8 6 $eg (o-rs. A ne, "/erg(man "annot e:pe"t to $e e:pe"te0. 6 on/(
"ame to see the D-#e a$o-t some /o"a/ a11a!rs.
Do"tor. 7Smiling.8 An0 so) o00/( eno-gh) 0!0 6. *-t 6 s-ppose ,e sho-/0 $oth /!#e to get
ho/0 o1 h!m $( a separate ear.
Sm!th. Oh) there's no 0!sg-!se as 1ar as 6'm "on"erne0. 6'.e <o!ne0 th!s /eag-e 1or start!ng
a mo0e/ p-$/!"=ho-se !n the par!sh9 an0 !n p/a!n ,or0s) 6'.e "ome to as# h!s Gra"e 1or a
s-$s"r!pt!on to !t.
Do"tor. 7*rimly.8 An0) as !t happens) 6 ha.e <o!ne0 !n the pet!t!on aga!nst the ere"t!on o1
a mo0e/ p-$/!"=ho-se !n th!s par!sh. The s!m!/ar!t( o1 o-r pos!t!on gro,s ,!th e.er(
!nstant.
Sm!th. Yes) 6 th!n# ,e m-st ha.e $een t,!ns.
Do"tor. 7+ore good-humouredly.8 We//) ,hat !s a mo0e/ p-$/!"=ho-se5 Do (o- mean a
to(5
Sm!th. 6 mean a p/a"e ,here Eng/!shmen "an get 0e"ent 0r!n# an0 0r!n# !t 0e"ent/(. Do
(o- "a// that a to(5
Do"tor. No9 6 sho-/0 "a// that a "on<-r!ng tr!"#. Or) !n apo/og( to (o-r "/oth) 6 ,!// sa( a
m!ra"/e.
Sm!th. 6 a""ept the apo/og( to m( "/oth. 6 am 0o!ng m( 0-t( as a pr!est. +o, "an the
Ch-r"h ha.e a r!ght to ma#e men 1ast !1 she 0oes not a//o, them to 1east5
Do"tor. 7,itterly.8 An0 ,hen (o- ha.e 0one 1east!ng them) (o- ,!// sen0 them to me to
$e "-re0.
Sm!th. Yes9 an0 ,hen (o-'.e 0one "-r!ng them (o-'// sen0 them to me to $e $-r!e0.
Do"tor. 7After a pause, laughing.8 We//) (o- ha.e a// the o/0 0o"tr!nes. 6t !s on/( 1a!r (o-
sho-/0 ha.e a// the o/0 <o#es too.
Sm!th. 7(aughing also.8 *( the ,a() (o- "a// !t a "on<-r!ng tr!"# that poor peop/e sho-/0
0r!n# mo0erate/(.
Do"tor. 6 "a// !t a "hem!"a/ 0!s"o.er( that a/"oho/ !s not a 1oo0.
Sm!th. Yo- 0on't 0r!n# ,!ne (o-rse/15
Do"tor. 7+ildly startled.8 Dr!n# ,!ne4 We//>,hat e/se !s there to 0r!n#5
Sm!th. So 0r!n#!ng 0e"ent/( !s a "on<-r!ng tr!"# that (o- "an 0o) an(ho,5
Do"tor. 7Still good-humouredly.8 We//) ,e//) /et -s hope so. Ta/#!ng a$o-t "on<-r!ng
tr!"#s) there !s to $e "on<-r!ng an0 a// #!n0s o1 th!ngs here th!s a1ternoon.
Sm!th. Con<-r!ng5 6n0ee05 Wh( !s that5
)nter +ast!ngs with a letter in each hand.
+ast!ngs. +!s Gra"e ,!// $e ,!th (o- present/(. +e as#e0 me to 0ea/ ,!th the $-s!ness
matter 1!rst o1 a//.
7!e gies a note to each of them.
Sm!th. 7Turning eagerly to the Do"tor.8 *-t th!s !s rather sp/en0!0. The D-#e's g!.en
?@A to the ne, p-$/!"=ho-se.
+ast!ngs. The D-#e !s .er( /!$era/.
7#ollects papers.
Do"tor. 7)"amining his che&ue.8 Ber(. *-t th!s !s rather "-r!o-s. +e has a/so g!.en ?@A
to the /eag-e 1or oppos!ng the ne, p-$/!"=ho-se.
+ast!ngs. The D-#e !s .er( /!$era/=m!n0e0.
7)"it.
Sm!th. 7Staring at his che&ue.8 !$era/=m!n0e04... A$sent=m!n0e0) 6 sho-/0 "a// !t.
Do"tor. 7Sitting down and lighting a cigar.8 We//) (es. The D-#e 0oes s-11er a /!tt/e 1rom
a$sen"e 7puts his cigar in his mouth and pulls during the pause8 o1 m!n0. +e !s a// 1or
"omprom!se. Don't (o- #no, the #!n0 o1 man ,ho) ,hen (o- ta/# to h!m a$o-t the 1!.e
$est $ree0s o1 0og) a/,a(s en0s -p $( $-(!ng a mongre/5 The D-#e !s the #!n0est o1
men) an0 a/,a(s tr(!ng to p/ease e.er($o0(. +e genera//( 1!n!shes $( p/eas!ng no$o0(.
Sm!th. Yes9 6 th!n# 6 #no, the sort o1 th!ng.
Do"tor. Ta#e th!s "on<-r!ng) 1or !nstan"e. Yo- #no, the D-#e has t,o ,ar0s ,ho are to
/!.e ,!th h!m no,5
Sm!th. Yes. 6 hear0 someth!ng a$o-t a nephe, an0 n!e"e 1rom 6re/an0.
Do"tor. The n!e"e "ame 1rom 6re/an0 some months ago) $-t the nephe, "omes $a"#
1rom Amer!"a to=n!ght. 7!e gets up abruptly and walks about the room.8 6 th!n# 6 ,!//
te// (o- a// a$o-t !t. 6n sp!te o1 (o-r pre"!o-s p-$/!"=ho-se (o- seem to me to $e a sane
man. An0 6 1an"( 6 sha// ,ant a// the sane men 6 "an get to=n!ght.
Sm!th. 7-ising also.8 6 am at (o-r ser.!"e. Do (o- #no,) 6 rather g-esse0 (o- 0!0 not
"ome here on/( to protest aga!nst m( pre"!o-s p-$/!"=ho-se.
Do"tor. 7Striding about in subdued e"citement.8 We//) (o- g-esse0 r!ght. 6 ,as 1am!/(
ph(s!"!an to the D-#e's $rother !n 6re/an0. 6 #ne, the 1am!/( prett( ,e//.
Sm!th. 7.uietly.8 6 s-ppose (o- mean (o- #ne, someth!ng o00 a$o-t the 1am!/(5
Do"tor. We//) the( sa, 1a!r!es an0 th!ngs o1 that sort.
Sm!th. An0 6 s-ppose) to the me0!"a/ m!n0) see!ng 1a!r!es means m-"h the same as
see!ng sna#es5
Do"tor. 7/ith a sour smile.8 We//) the( sa, them !n 6re/an0. 6 s-ppose !t's C-!te "orre"t
to see 1a!r!es !n 6re/an0. 6t's /!#e gam$/!ng at Monte Car/o. 6t's C-!te respe"ta$/e. *-t 6 0o
0ra, the /!ne at the!r see!ng 1a!r!es !n Eng/an0. 6 0o o$<e"t to the!r $r!ng!ng the!r ghosts
an0 go$/!ns an0 ,!t"hes !nto the poor D-#e's o,n $a"# gar0en an0 ,!th!n a (ar0 o1 m(
o,n re0 /amp. 6t sho,s a /a"# o1 ta"t.
Sm!th. *-t 6 0o -n0erstan0 that the D-#e's nephe, an0 n!e"e see ,!t"hes an0 1a!r!es
$et,een here an0 (o-r /amp.
7!e walks to the garden window and looks out.
Do"tor. We//) the nephe, has $een !n Amer!"a. 6t stan0s to reason (o- "an't see 1a!r!es !n
Amer!"a. *-t there !s th!s sort o1 s-perst!t!on !n the 1am!/() an0 6 am not eas( !n m(
m!n0 a$o-t the g!r/.
Sm!th. Wh() ,hat 0oes she 0o5
Do"tor. Oh) she ,an0ers a$o-t the par# an0 the ,oo0s !n the e.en!ngs. Damp e.en!ngs
1or "ho!"e. She "a//s !t the Ce/t!" t,!/!ght. 6'.e no -se 1or the Ce/t!" t,!/!ght m(se/1. 6t
has a ten0en"( to get on the "hest. *-t ,hat !s ,orse) she !s a/,a(s ta/#!ng a$o-t
meet!ng some$o0() some e/1 or ,!;ar0 or someth!ng. 6 0on't /!#e !t at a//.
Sm!th. +a.e (o- to/0 the D-#e5
Do"tor. 7/ith a grim smile.8 Oh) (es) 6 to/0 the D-#e. The res-/t ,as the "on<-rer.
Sm!th. 7/ith ama0ement.8 The con1urer5
Do"tor. 7'uts down his cigar in the ash-tray.8 The D-#e !s !n0es"r!$a$/e. +e ,!// $e
here present/() an0 (o- sha// <-0ge 1or (o-rse/1. P-t t,o or three 1a"ts or !0eas $e1ore
h!m) an0 the th!ng he ma#es o-t o1 them !s a/,a(s someth!ng that seems to ha.e noth!ng
to 0o ,!th !t. Te// an( other h-man $e!ng a$o-t a g!r/ 0ream!ng o1 the 1a!r!es an0 her
pra"t!"a/ $rother 1rom Amer!"a) an0 he ,o-/0 sett/e !t !n some o$.!o-s ,a( an0 sat!s1(
some one3 sen0 her to Amer!"a or /et her ha.e her 1a!r!es !n 6re/an0. No, the D-#e
th!n#s a "on<-rer ,o-/0 <-st meet the "ase. 6 s-ppose he .ag-e/( th!n#s !t ,o-/0
$r!ghten th!ngs -p) an0 someho, sat!s1( the $e/!e.ers' !nterest !n s-pernat-ra/ th!ngs
an0 the -n$e/!e.ers' !nterest !n smart th!ngs. As a matter o1 1a"t the -n$e/!e.er th!n#s the
"on<-rer's a 1ra-0) an0 the $e/!e.er th!n#s he's a 1ra-0) too. The "on<-rer sat!s1!es
no$o0(. That !s ,h( he sat!s1!es the D-#e.
7)nter the D-#e) with +ast!ngs) carrying papers. The D-#e is a healthy, hearty man in
tweeds, with a rather wandering eye. %n the present state of the peerage it is necessary
to e"plain that the D-#e) though an ass, is a gentleman.
D-#e. Goo0=morn!ng) Mr. Sm!th. So sorr( to ha.e #ept (o- ,a!t!ng) $-t ,e're rather !n
a r-sh to=0a(. 7Turns to +ast!ngs) who has gone oer to a table with the papers.8 Yo-
#no, Mr. Car/eon !s "om!ng th!s a1ternoon5
+ast!ngs. Yes) (o-r Gra"e. +!s tra!n ,!// $e !n $( no,. 6 ha.e sent the trap.
D-#e. Than# (o-. 7Turning to the other two.8 M( nephe,) Dr. Gr!mthorpe) Morr!s) (o-
#no,) M!ss Car/eon's $rother 1rom Amer!"a. 6 hear he's $een 0o!ng great th!ngs o-t
there. Petro/) or someth!ng. M-st mo.e ,!th the t!mes) eh5
Do"tor. 6'm a1ra!0 Mr. Sm!th 0oesn't a/,a(s agree ,!th mo.!ng ,!th the t!mes.
D-#e. Oh) "ome) "ome4 Progress) (o- #no,) progress4 O1 "o-rse 6 #no, ho, $-s( (o-
are9 (o- m-stn't o.er,or# (o-rse/1) (o- #no,. +ast!ngs ,as te//!ng me (o- /a-ghe0
o.er those s-$s"r!pt!ons o1 m!ne. We//) ,e//) 6 $e/!e.e !n /oo#!ng at $oth s!0es o1 a
C-est!on) (o- #no,. Aspe"ts) as o/0 *-11/e "a//e0 them. Aspe"ts. 7/ith an all-
embracing gesture of the arm.8 Yo- represent the ten0en"( to 0r!n# !n mo0erat!on) an0
(o- 0o goo0 !n your ,a(. The Do"tor represents the ten0en"( not to 0r!n# at a//9 an0 he
0oes goo0 !n his ,a(. We "an't $e An"!ent *r!tons) (o- #no,.
7A prolonged and pu00led silence, such as always follows the more abrupt of the D-#e's
associations or disassociations of thought.
Sm!th. 7At last, faintly.8 An"!ent *r!tons....
Do"tor. 7To Sm!th in a low oice.8 Don't $other. 6t's on/( h!s $roa0=m!n0e0ness.
D-#e. 7/ith unabated cheerfulness.8 6 sa, the p/a"e (o-'re p-tt!ng -p 1or !t) Mr. Sm!th.
Ber( goo0 ,or#. Ber( goo0 ,or#) !n0ee0. Art 1or the peop/e) eh5 6 part!"-/ar/( /!#e0
that ,oo0,or# o.er the ,est 0oor>6'm g/a0 to see (o-'re -s!ng the ne, sort o1
gra!n!ng ... ,h() !t a// rem!n0s one o1 the Fren"h Re.o/-t!on.
7Another silence. As the D-#e lounges alertly about the room) Sm!th speaks to the
Do"tor in an undertone.
Sm!th. Does !t rem!n0 (o- o1 the Fren"h Re.o/-t!on5
Do"tor. As m-"h as o1 an(th!ng e/se. +!s Gra"e ne.er rem!n0s me o1 an(th!ng.
7A young and ery high American oice is heard calling in the garden. 2Say, could
somebody see to one of these trunks32
7Mr. +ast!ngs goes out into the garden. !e returns with Morr!s Car/eon) a ery young
man4 hardly more than a boy, but with ery grown-up American dress and manners. !e
is dark, smallish, and actie; and the racial type under his Americanism is %rish.
Morr!s. 7!umorously, as he puts in his head at the window.8 See here) 0oes a D-#e /!.e
here5
Do"tor. 7/ho is nearest to him, with great graity.8 Yes) on/( one.
Morr!s. 6 re"#on he's the one 6 ,ant) an(ho,. 6'm h!s nephe,.
7The D-#e) who is ruminating in the foreground, with one eye rather off, turns at the
oice and shakes Morr!s warmly by the hand.
D-#e. De/!ghte0 to see (o-) m( 0ear $o(. 6 hear (o-'.e $een 0o!ng .er( ,e// 1or
(o-rse/1.
Morr!s. 7(aughing.8 We//) prett( ,e//) D-#e9 an0 $etter st!// 1or Pa-/ T. Ban0am) 6 g-ess.
6 manage the o/0 man's m!nes o-t !n Ar!;ona) (o- #no,.
D-#e. 7Shaking his head sagaciously.8 Ah) .er( go=ahea0 man4 Ber( go=ahea0 metho0s)
6'm to/0. We//) 6 0are sa( he 0oes a great 0ea/ o1 goo0 ,!th h!s mone(. An0 ,e "an't go
$a"# to the Span!sh 6nC-!s!t!on.
7Silence, during which the three men look at each other.
Morr!s. 7Abruptly.8 An0 ho,'s Patr!"!a5
D-#e. 7A little ha0ily.8 Oh) she's .er( ,e//) 6 th!n#. She....
7!e hesitates slightly.
Morr!s. 7Smiling.8 We//) then) ,here's Patr!"!a5
7There is a slightly embarrassed pause, and the Do"tor speaks.
Do"tor. M!ss Car/eon !s ,a/#!ng a$o-t the gro-n0s) 6 th!n#.
7Morr!s goes to the garden doors and looks out.
Morr!s. 6t's a m!ght( "h!//( n!ght to "hoose. Does m( s!ster "ommon/( se/e"t s-"h
e.en!ngs to ta#e the a!r>an0 the 0amp5
Do"tor. 7After a pause.8 61 6 ma( sa( so) 6 C-!te agree ,!th (o-. 6 ha.e o1ten ta#en the
/!$ert( o1 ,arn!ng (o-r s!ster aga!nst go!ng o-t !n a// ,eathers /!#e th!s.
D-#e. 7)"pansiely waing his hands about.8 The art!st temperament4 What 6 a/,a(s
"a// the art!st!" temperament4 Wor0s,orth) (o- #no,) an0 a// that.
7Silence.
Morr!s. 7Staring.8 A// ,hat5
D-#e. 7#ontinuing to lecture with enthusiasm.8 Wh() e.er(th!ng's temperament) (o-
#no,4 6t's her temperament to see the 1a!r!es. 6t's m( temperament not to see the 1a!r!es.
Wh() 6'.e ,a/#e0 a// ro-n0 the gro-n0s t,ent( t!mes an0 ne.er sa, a 1a!r(. We//) !t's
/!#e that a$o-t th!s ,!;ar0 or ,hate.er she "a//s !t. For her there !s some$o0( there. For
-s there ,o-/0 not $e some$o0( there. Don't (o- see5
Morr!s. 7Adancing e"citedly.8 Some$o0( there4 What 0o (o- mean5
D-#e. 7Airily.8 We//) (o- "an't C-!te "a// !t a man.
Morr!s. 75iolently.8 A man4
D-#e. We//) as o/0 *-11/e -se0 to sa() ,hat !s a man5
Morr!s. 7/ith a strong rise of the American accent.8 W!th (o-r perm!ss!on) D-#e) 6
e/!m!nate o/0 *-11/e. Do (o- mean that an($o0( has ha0 the tarnat!on "oo/ness to
s-ggest that some man....
D-#e. Oh) not a man) (o- #no,. A mag!"!an) someth!ng m(th!"a/) (o- #no,.
Sm!th. Not a man) $-t a me0!"!ne man.
Do"tor. 7*rimly.8 6 am a me0!"!ne man.
Morr!s. An0 (o- 0on't /oo# m(th!"a/) Do".
7!e bites his finger and begins to pace restlessly up and down the room.
D-#e. We//) (o- #no,) the art!st!" temperament....
Morr!s. 7Turning suddenly.8 See here) D-#e4 6n most "ommer"!a/ ,a(s ,e're a prett(
1or,ar0 "o-ntr(. 6n these mora/ ,a(s ,e're "ontent to $e a prett( $a"#,ar0 "o-ntr(.
An0 !1 (o- as# me ,hether 6 /!#e m( s!ster ,a/#!ng a$o-t the ,oo0s on a n!ght /!#e th!s4
We//) 6 0on't.
D-#e. 6 am a1ra!0 (o- Amer!"ans aren't so a0.an"e0 as 6'0 hope0. Wh(4 as o/0 *-11/e
-se0 to sa(....
7As he speaks a distant oice is heard singing in the garden; it comes nearer and nearer,
and Sm!th turns suddenly to the Do"tor.
Sm!th. Whose .o!"e !s that5
Do"tor. 6t !s no $-s!ness o1 m!ne to 0e"!0e4
Morr!s. 7/alking to the window.8 Yo- nee0 not tro-$/e. 6 #no, ,ho !t !s.
)nter Patr!"!a Car/eon
7Still agitated.8 Patr!"!a) ,here ha.e (o- $een5
Patr!"!a. 7-ather wearily.8 Oh4 !n Fa!r(/an0.
Do"tor. 7*enially.8 An0 ,herea$o-ts !s that5
Patr!"!a. 6t's rather 0!11erent 1rom other p/a"es. 6t's e!ther no,here or !t's ,here.er (o-
are.
Morr!s. 7Sharply.8 +as !t an( !nha$!tants5
Patr!"!a. Genera//( on/( t,o. Onese/1 an0 one's sha0o,. *-t ,hether he !s m( sha0o,
or 6 am h!s sha0o, !s ne.er 1o-n0 o-t.
Morr!s. +e5 Who5
Patr!"!a. 7Seeming to understand his annoyance for the first time, and smiling.8 Oh) (o-
nee0n't get "on.ent!ona/ a$o-t !t) Morr!s. +e !s not a morta/.
Morr!s. What's h!s name5
Patr!"!a. We ha.e no names there. Yo- ne.er rea//( #no, an($o0( !1 (o- #no, h!s
name.
Morr!s. What 0oes he /oo# /!#e5
Patr!"!a. 6 ha.e on/( met h!m !n the t,!/!ght. +e seems ro$e0 !n a /ong "/oa#) ,!th a
pea#e0 "ap or hoo0 /!#e the e/.es !n m( n-rser( stor!es. Somet!mes ,hen 6 /oo# o-t o1
the ,!n0o, here) 6 see h!m pass!ng ro-n0 th!s ho-se /!#e a sha0o,9 an0 see h!s po!nte0
hoo0) 0ar# aga!nst the s-nset or the r!s!ng o1 the moon.
Sm!th. What 0oes he ta/# a$o-t5
Patr!"!a. +e te//s me the tr-th. Ber( man( tr-e th!ngs. +e !s a ,!;ar0.
Morr!s. +o, 0o (o- #no, he's a ,!;ar05 6 s-ppose he p/a(s some tr!"#s on (o-.
Patr!"!a. 6 sho-/0 #no, he ,as a ,!;ar0 !1 he p/a(e0 no tr!"#s. *-t on"e he stoope0 an0
p!"#e0 -p a stone an0 "ast !t !nto the a!r) an0 !t 1/e, -p !nto Go0's hea.en /!#e a $!r0.
Morr!s. Was that ,hat 1!rst ma0e (o- th!n# he ,as a ,!;ar05
Patr!"!a. Oh) no. When 6 1!rst sa, h!m he ,as tra"!ng "!r"/es an0 penta"/es !n the grass
an0 ta/#!ng the /ang-age o1 the e/.es.
Morr!s. 7Sceptically.8 Do (o- #no, the /ang-age o1 the e/.es5
Patr!"!a. Not -nt!/ 6 hear0 !t.
Morr!s. 7(owering his oice as if for his sister, but losing patience so completely that he
talks much louder than he imagines.8 See here) Patr!"!a) 6 re"#on th!s #!n0 o1 th!ng !s
go!ng to $e the /!m!t. 6'm <-st not go!ng to ha.e (o- /et !n $( some $/ame0 tramp or
1ort-ne=te//er $e"a-se (o- "hoose to rea0 m!nor poetr( a$o-t the 1a!r!es. 61 th!s g!ps( or
,hate.er he !s tro-$/es (o- aga!n....
Do"tor. 7'utting his hand on Morr!s's shoulder.8 Come) (o- m-st a//o, a /!tt/e more 1or
poetr(. We "an't a// 1ee0 on noth!ng $-t petro/.
D-#e. D-!te r!ght) C-!te r!ght. An0 $e!ng 6r!sh) 0on't (o- #no,) Ce/t!") as o/0 *-11/e
-se0 to sa() "harm!ng songs) (o- #no,) a$o-t the 6r!sh g!r/ ,ho has a p/a!0 sha,/>an0
a *anshee. 7Sighs profoundly.8 Poor o/0 G/a0stone4
7Silence as usual.
Sm!th. 7Speaking to Do"tor.8 6 tho-ght (o- (o-rse/1 "ons!0ere0 the 1am!/( s-perst!t!on
$a0 1or the hea/th5
Do"tor. 6 "ons!0er a 1am!/( s-perst!t!on !s $etter 1or the hea/th than a 1am!/( C-arre/. 7!e
walks casually across to Patr!"!a.8 We//) !t m-st $e n!"e to $e (o-ng an0 st!// see a//
those stars an0 s-nsets. We o/0 $-11ers ,on't $e too str!"t ,!th (o- !1 (o-r .!e, o1
th!ngs somet!mes gets a $!t>m!:e0 -p) sha// ,e sa(5 61 the stars get /oose a$o-t the
grass $( m!sta#e9 or !1) on"e or t,!"e) the s-nset gets !nto the east. We sho-/0 on/( sa()
EDream as m-"h as (o- /!#e. Dream 1or a// man#!n0. Dream 1or -s ,ho "an 0ream no
/onger. *-t 0o not C-!te 1orget the 0!11eren"e.E
Patr!"!a. What 0!11eren"e5
Do"tor. The 0!11eren"e $et,een the th!ngs that are $ea-t!1-/ an0 the th!ngs that are there.
That re0 /amp o.er m( 0oor !sn't $ea-t!1-/9 $-t !t's there. Yo- m!ght e.en "ome to $e
g/a0 !t !s there) ,hen the stars o1 go/0 an0 s!/.er ha.e 1a0e0. 6 am an o/0 man no,) $-t
some men are st!// g/a0 to 1!n0 m( re0 star. 6 0o not sa( the( are the ,!se men.
Patr!"!a. 7Somewhat affected.8 Yes) 6 #no, (o- are goo0 to e.er($o0(. *-t 0on't (o-
th!n# there ma( $e 1/oat!ng an0 sp!r!t-a/ stars ,h!"h ,!// /ast /onger than the re0 /amps5
Sm!th. 7/ith decision.8 Yes. *-t the( are 1!:e0 stars.
Do"tor. The re0 /amp ,!// /ast m( t!me.
D-#e. Cap!ta/4 Cap!ta/4 Wh() !t's /!#e Tenn(son. 7Silence.8 6 remem$er ,hen 6 ,as an
-n0ergra0....
7The red light disappears; no one sees it at first e"cept Patr!"!a) who points e"citedly.
Morr!s. What's the matter5
Patr!"!a. The re0 star !s gone.
Morr!s. Nonsense4 7-ushes to the garden doors.8 6t's on/( some$o0( stan0!ng !n 1ront o1
!t. Sa() D-#e) there's some$o0( stan0!ng !n the gar0en.
Patr!"!a. 7#almly.8 6 to/0 (o- he ,a/#e0 a$o-t the gar0en.
Morr!s. 61 !t's that 1ort-ne=te//er o1 (o-rs....
7Disappears into the garden, followed by the Do"tor.
D-#e. 7Staring.8 Some$o0( !n the gar0en4 Rea//() th!s an0 Campa!gn....
7Silence.
7Morr!s reappears rather breathless.
Morr!s. A spr( 1e//o,) (o-r 1r!en0. +e s/!ppe0 thro-gh m( han0s /!#e a sha0o,.
Patr!"!a. 6 to/0 (o- he ,as a sha0o,.
Morr!s. We//) 6 g-ess there's go!ng to $e a sha0o, h-nt. Got a /antern) D-#e5
Patr!"!a. Oh) (o- nee0 not tro-$/e. +e ,!// "ome !1 6 "a// h!m.
7She goes out into the garden and calls out some half-chanted and unintelligible words,
somewhat like the song preceding her entrance. The red light reappears; and there is a
slight sound as of fallen leaes shuffled by approaching feet. The cloaked Stranger with
the pointed hood is seen standing outside the garden doors.
Patr!"!a. Yo- ma( enter a// 0oors.
7The figure comes into the room
Morr!s. 7Shutting the garden doors behind him.8 No,) see here) ,!;ar0) ,e'.e got (o-.
An0 ,e #no, (o-'re a 1ra-0.
Sm!th. 7.uietly.8 Par0on me) 6 0o not 1an"( that ,e #no, that. For m(se/1 6 m-st
"on1ess to someth!ng o1 the Do"tor's agnost!"!sm.
Morr!s. 7)"cited, and turning almost with a snarl.8 6 0!0n't #no, (o- parsons st-"# -p
1or an( 1a$/es $-t (o-r o,n.
Sm!th. 6 st!"# -p 1or the th!ng e.er( man has a r!ght to. Perhaps the on/( th!ng that e.er(
man has a r!ght to.
Morr!s. An0 ,hat !s that5
Sm!th. The $ene1!t o1 the 0o-$t. E.en (o-r master) the petro/e-m m!//!ona!re) has a r!ght
to that. An0 6 th!n# he nee0s !t more.
Morr!s. 6 0on't th!n# there's m-"h 0o-$t a$o-t the C-est!on) M!n!ster. 6'.e met th!s sort
o1 1e//o, o1ten eno-gh>the sort o1 1e//o, ,ho ,hee0/es mone( o-t o1 g!r/s $( te//!ng
them he "an ma#e stones 0!sappear.
Do"tor. 7To the Stranger.8 Do (o- sa( (o- "an ma#e stones 0!sappear5
Stranger. Yes. 6 "an ma#e stones 0!sappear.
Morr!s. 7-oughly.8 6 re"#on (o-'re the #!n0 o1 to-gh ,ho #no,s ho, to ma#e a ,at"h
an0 "ha!n 0!sappear.
Stranger. Yes9 6 #no, ho, to ma#e a ,at"h an0 "ha!n 0!sappear.
Morr!s. An0 6 sho-/0 th!n# (o- ,ere prett( goo0 at 0!sappear!ng (o-rse/1.
Stranger. 6 ha.e 0one s-"h a th!ng.
Morr!s. 7/ith a sneer.8 W!// (o- 0!sappear no,5
Stranger. 7After reflection.8 No) 6 th!n# 6'// appear !nstea0. 7!e throws back his hood,
showing the head of an intellectual-looking man, young but rather worn. Then he
unfastens his cloak and throws it off, emerging in complete modern eening dress. !e
adances down the room towards the D-#e) taking out his watch as he does so.8 Goo0=
e.en!ng) (o-r Gra"e. 6'm a1ra!0 6'm rather too ear/( 1or the per1orman"e. *-t th!s
gent/eman 7with a gesture towards Morr!s8 seeme0 rather !mpat!ent 1or !t to $eg!n.
D-#e. 7-ather at a loss.8 Oh) goo0=e.en!ng. Wh() rea//(>are (o- the...5
Stranger. 7,owing.8 Yes. 6 am the Con<-rer.
7There is general laughter, e"cept from Patr!"!a. As the others mingle in talk, the
Stranger goes up to her.
Stranger. 75ery sadly.8 6 am .er( sorr( 6 am not a ,!;ar0.
Patr!"!a. 6 ,!sh (o- ,ere a th!e1 !nstea0.
Stranger. +a.e 6 "omm!tte0 a ,orse "r!me than th!e.!ng5
Patr!"!a. Yo- ha.e "omm!tte0 the "r-e//est "r!me) 6 th!n#) that there !s.
Stranger. An0 ,hat !s the "r-e//est "r!me5
Patr!"!a. Stea/!ng a "h!/0's to(.
Stranger. An0 ,hat ha.e 6 sto/en5
Patr!"!a. A 1a!r( ta/e.
CURTA6N
ACT II
The same room lighted more brilliantly an hour later in the eening. 6n one side a table
coered with packs of cards, pyramids, etc., at which the Con<-rer in eening dress is
standing &uietly setting out his tricks. A little more in the foreground the D-#e9 and
+ast!ngs with a number of papers.
+ast!ngs. There are on/( a 1e, sma// matters. +ere are the programmes o1 the
enterta!nment (o-r Gra"e ,ante0. Mr. Car/eon ,!shes to see them .er( m-"h.
D-#e. Than#s) than#s. 7Takes the programmes.8
+ast!ngs. Sha// 6 "arr( them 1or (o-r Gra"e5
D-#e. No) no9 6 shan't 1orget) 6 shan't 1orget. Wh() (o-'.e no !0ea ho, $-s!ness/!#e 6
am. We ha.e to $e) (o- #no,. 75aguely.8 6 #no, (o-'re a $!t o1 a So"!a/!st9 $-t 6 ass-re
(o- there's a goo0 0ea/ to 0o>sta#e !n the "o-ntr() an0 a// that. oo# at remem$er!ng
1a"es no,4 The K!ng ne.er 1orgets 1a"es. 7/aes the programmes about.8 6 ne.er 1orget
1a"es. 7#atches sight of the Con<-rer and genially draws him into the discussion.8 Wh()
the Pro1essor here ,ho per1orms $e1ore the K!ng 7puts down the programmes8>(o- see
!t on the "ara.ans) (o- #no,>per1orms $e1ore the K!ng a/most e.er( n!ght) 6
s-ppose....
Con<-rer. 7Smiling.8 6 somet!mes /et h!s Ma<est( ha.e an e.en!ng o11. An0 t-rn m(
attent!on) o1 "o-rse) to the .er( h!ghest no$!/!t(. *-t nat-ra//( 6 ha.e per1orme0 $e1ore
e.er( so.ere!gn potentate) ,h!te an0 $/a"#. There ne.er ,as a "on<-rer ,ho ha0n't.
D-#e. That's r!ght) that's r!ght4 An0 (o-'// sa( ,!th me that the great $-s!ness 1or a K!ng
!s remem$er!ng peop/e5
Con<-rer. 6 sho-/0 sa( !t ,as remem$er!ng ,h!"h peop/e to remem$er.
D-#e. We//) ,e//) no,.... 7(ooks round rather wildly for something.8 *e!ng rea//(
$-s!ness/!#e....
+ast!ngs. Sha// 6 ta#e the programmes 1or (o-r Gra"e5
D-#e. 7'icking them up.8 No) no) 6 shan't 1orget. 6s there an(th!ng e/se5
+ast!ngs. 6 ha.e to go 0o,n the .!//age a$o-t the ,!re to Strat1or0. The on/( other th!ng
at a// -rgent !s the M!/!tant Begetar!ans.
D-#e. Ah4 The M!/!tant Begetar!ans4 Yo-'.e hear0 o1 them) 6'm s-re. Won't o$e( the /a,
7to the Con<-rer8 so /ong as the Go.ernment ser.es o-t meat.
Con<-rer. et them $e "om1orte0. There are a goo0 man( peop/e ,ho 0on't get m-"h
meat.
D-#e. We//) ,e//) 6'm $o-n0 to sa( the('re .er( enth-s!ast!". A0.an"e0) too>oh)
"erta!n/( a0.an"e0. !#e Foan o1 Ar".
7Short silence, in which the Con<-rer stares at him.8
Con<-rer. /as Foan o1 Ar" a Begetar!an5
D-#e. Oh) ,e//) !t's a .er( h!gh !0ea/) a1ter a//. The Sa"re0ness o1 !1e) (o- #no,>the
Sa"re0ness o1 !1e. 7Shakes his head.8 *-t the( "arr( !t too 1ar. The( #!//e0 a po/!"eman
0o,n !n Kent.
Con<-rer. K!//e0 a po/!"eman5 +o, Begetar!an4 We//) 6 s-ppose !t ,as) so /ong as the(
0!0n't eat h!m.
+ast!ngs. The( are as#!ng on/( 1or sma// s-$s"r!pt!ons. 6n0ee0) the( pre1er to "o//e"t a
/arge n-m$er o1 ha/1="ro,ns) to pro.e the pop-/ar!t( o1 the!r mo.ement. *-t 6 sho-/0
a0.!se....
D-#e. Oh) g!.e them three sh!//!ngs) then.
+ast!ngs. 61 6 m!ght s-ggest....
D-#e. +ang !t a//4 We ga.e the Ant!=Begetar!ans three sh!//!ngs. 6t seems on/( 1a!r.
+ast!ngs. 61 6 m!ght s-ggest an(th!ng) 6 th!n# (o-r Gra"e ,!// $e ,!se not to s-$s"r!$e !n
th!s "ase. The Ant!=Begetar!ans ha.e a/rea0( -se0 the!r 1-n0s to 1orm gangs ostens!$/(
to prote"t the!r o,n meet!ngs. An0 !1 the Begetar!ans -se the!rs to $rea# -p the meet!ngs
>,e//) !t ,!// /oo# rather 1-nn( that ,e ha.e pa!0 ro-ghs on $oth s!0es. 6t ,!// $e rather
0!11!"-/t to e:p/a!n ,hen !t "omes $e1ore the mag!strate.
D-#e. *-t 6 sha// $e the mag!strate. 7Con<-rer stares at him again.8 That's the s(stem)
m( 0ear +ast!ngs) that's the a0.antage o1 the s(stem. Not a /og!"a/ s(stem>no
Ro-ssea- !n !t>$-t see ho, ,e// !t ,or#s4 6 sha// $e the .er( $est mag!strate that "o-/0
$e on the *en"h. The others ,o-/0 $e $!asse0) (o- #no,. O/0 S!r a,ren"e !s a
Begetar!an h!mse/19 an0 m!ght $e har0 on the Ant!=Begetar!an ro-ghs. Co/one/ Crasha,
,o-/0 $e s-re to $e har0 on the Begetar!an ro-ghs. *-t !1 6'.e pa!0 $oth o1 'em) o1
"o-rse 6 shan't $e har0 on e!ther o1 'em>an0 there (o- ha.e !t. F-st per1e"t !mpart!a/!t(.
+ast!ngs. 7-estrainedly.8 Sha// 6 ta#e the programmes) (o-r Gra"e5
D-#e. 7!eartily.8 No) no9 6 ,on't 1orget 'em. 7)"it +ast!ngs.8 We//) Pro1essor) ,hat's the
ne,s !n the "on<-r!ng ,or/05
Con<-rer. 6 1ear there !s ne.er an( ne,s !n the "on<-r!ng ,or/0.
D-#e. Don't (o- ha.e a ne,spaper or someth!ng5 E.er($o0( has a ne,spaper no,) (o-
#no,. The>er>Da!/( S,or0=S,a//o,er or that sort o1 th!ng5
Con<-rer. No) 6 ha.e $een a <o-rna/!st m(se/19 $-t 6 th!n# <o-rna/!sm an0 "on<-r!ng ,!//
a/,a(s $e !n"ompat!$/e.
D-#e. 6n"ompat!$/e>Oh) $-t that's ,here 6 0!11er>that's ,here 6 ta#e /arger .!e,s4
arger /a,s) as o/0 *-11/e sa!0. Noth!ng's incompatible) (o- #no,>e:"ept h-s$an0 an0
,!1e an0 so on9 (o- m-st ta/# to Morr!s a$o-t that. 6t's ,on0er1-/ the ,a(
!n"ompat!$!/!t( has gone 1or,ar0 !n the States.
Con<-rer. 6 on/( mean that the t,o tra0es rest on oppos!te pr!n"!p/es. The ,ho/e po!nt o1
$e!ng a "on<-rer !s that (o- ,on't e:p/a!n a th!ng that has happene0.
D-#e. We//) an0 the <o-rna/!st5
Con<-rer. We//) the ,ho/e po!nt o1 $e!ng a <o-rna/!st !s that (o- 0o e:p/a!n a th!ng that
hasn't happene0.
D-#e. *-t (o-'// ,ant some,here to 0!s"-ss the ne, tr!"#s.
Con<-rer. There are no ne, tr!"#s. An0 !1 there ,ere ,e sho-/0n't ,ant 'em 0!s"-sse0.
D-#e. 6'm a1ra!0 (o-'re not really a0.an"e0. Are (o- !ntereste0 !n mo0ern progress5
Con<-rer. Yes. We are !ntereste0 !n a// tr!"#s 0one $( !//-s!on.
D-#e. We//) ,e//) 6 m-st go an0 see ho, Morr!s !s. P/eas-re o1 see!ng (o- /ater.
7)"it D-#e) leaing the programmes.
Con<-rer. Wh( are n!"e men s-"h asses5 7Turns to arrange the table.8 That seems a//
r!ght. The pa"# o1 "ar0s that !s a pa"# o1 "ar0s. An0 the pa"# o1 "ar0s that !sn't a pa"# o1
"ar0s. The hat that /oo#s /!#e a gent/eman's hat. *-t ,h!"h) !n rea/!t() !s no gent/eman's
hat. On/( m( hat9 an0 6 am not a gent/eman. 6 am on/( a "on<-rer) an0 th!s !s on/( a
"on<-rer's hat. 6 "o-/0 not ta#e o11 th!s hat to a /a0(. 6 "an ta#e ra$$!ts o-t o1 !t) go/01!sh
o-t o1 !t) sna#es o-t o1 !t. On/( 6 m-stn't ta#e m( o,n hea0 o-t o1 !t. 6 s-ppose 6'm a
/o,er an!ma/ than a ra$$!t or a sna#e. An(ho, the( "an get o-t o1 the "on<-rer's hat9
an0 6 "an't. 6 am a "on<-rer an0 noth!ng e/se $-t a "on<-rer. Un/ess 6 "o-/0 sho, 6 ,as
someth!ng e/se) an0 that ,o-/0 $e ,orse.
7!e begins to dash the cards rather irregularly about the table. )nter Patr!"!a.
Patr!"!a. 7#oldly8 6 $eg (o-r par0on. 6 "ame to get some programmes. M( -n"/e ,ants
them.
7She walks swiftly across and takes up the programmes.
Con<-rer. 7Still dashing cards about the table.8 M!ss Car/eon) m!ght 6 spea# to (o- a
moment5 7!e puts his hands in his pockets, stares at the table; and his face assumes a
sardonic e"pression.8 The C-est!on !s p-re/( pra"t!"a/.
Patr!"!a. 7'ausing at the door.8 6 "an har0/( !mag!ne ,hat the C-est!on "an $e.
Con<-rer. 6 am the C-est!on.
Patr!"!a. An0 ,hat ha.e 6 to 0o ,!th that5
Con<-rer. Yo- ha.e e.er(th!ng to 0o ,!th !t. 6 am the C-est!on3 (o-....
Patr!"!a. 7Angrily.8 We//) ,hat am 65
Con<-rer. Yo- are the ans,er.
Patr!"!a. The ans,er to ,hat5
Con<-rer. 7#oming round to the front of the table and sitting against it.8 The ans,er to
me. Yo- th!n# 6'm a /!ar $e"a-se 6 ,a/#e0 a$o-t the 1!e/0s ,!th (o- an0 sa!0 6 "o-/0
ma#e stones 0!sappear. We//) so 6 "an. 6'm a "on<-rer. 6n mere po!nt o1 1a"t) !t ,asn't a
/!e. *-t !1 !t ha0 $een a /!e 6 sho-/0 ha.e to/0 !t <-st the same. 6 ,o-/0 ha.e to/0 t,ent(
s-"h /!es. Yo- ma( or ma( not #no, ,h(.
Patr!"!a. 6 #no, noth!ng a$o-t s-"h /!es.
7She puts her hand on the handle of the door, but the Con<-rer) who is sitting on the
table and staring at his boots, does not notice the action, and goes on as in a sincere
solilo&uy.
Con<-rer. 6 0on't #no, ,hether (o- ha.e an( not!on o1 ,hat !t means to a man /!#e me
to ta/# to a /a0( /!#e (o-) e.en on 1a/se preten"es. 6 am an a0.ent-rer. 6 am a $/a"#g-ar0)
!1 one "an earn the t!t/e $( $e!ng !n a// the $/a"#g-ar0 so"!et!es o1 the ,or/0. 6 ha.e
tho-ght e.er(th!ng o-t $( m(se/1) ,hen 6 ,as a g-ttersn!pe !n F/eet Street) or) /o,er
st!//) a <o-rna/!st !n F/eet Street. *e1ore 6 met (o- 6 ne.er g-esse0 that r!"h peop/e e.er
tho-ght at a//. We//) that !s a// 6 ha.e to sa(. We ha0 some goo0 "on.ersat!ons) 0!0n't
,e5 6 am a /!ar. *-t 6 to/0 (o- a great 0ea/ o1 the tr-th.
7!e turns and resumes the arrangement of the table.
Patr!"!a. 7Thinking.8 Yes) (o- 0!0 te// me a great 0ea/ o1 the tr-th. Yo- to/0 me h-n0re0s
an0 tho-san0s o1 tr-ths. *-t (o- ne.er to/0 me the tr-th that one ,ants to #no,.
Con<-rer. An0 ,hat !s that5
Patr!"!a. 7Turning back into the room.8 Yo- ne.er to/0 me the tr-th a$o-t (o-rse/1. Yo-
ne.er to/0 me (o- ,ere on/( the Con<-rer.
Con<-rer. 6 0!0 not te// (o- that $e"a-se 6 0o not e.en #no, !t. 6 0o not #no, ,hether 6
am on/( the Con<-rer....
Patr!"!a. What 0o (o- mean5
Con<-rer. Somet!mes 6 am a1ra!0 6 am someth!ng ,orse than the Con<-rer.
Patr!"!a. 7Seriously.8 6 "annot th!n# o1 an(th!ng ,orse than a "on<-rer ,ho 0oes not "a//
h!mse/1 a "on<-rer.
Con<-rer. 7*loomily.8 There !s someth!ng ,orse. 7-allying himself.8 *-t that !s not ,hat
6 ,ant to sa(. Do (o- rea//( 1!n0 that .er( -npar0ona$/e5 Come) /et me p-t (o- a "ase.
Ne.er m!n0 a$o-t ,hether !t !s o-r "ase. A man spen0s h!s t!me !n"essant/( !n go!ng
a$o-t !n th!r0="/ass "arr!ages to 1!1th=rate /o0g!ngs. +e has to ma#e -p ne, tr!"#s) ne,
patter) ne, nonsense) somet!mes e.er( n!ght o1 h!s /!1e. Most/( he has to 0o !t !n the
$east/( $/a"# "!t!es o1 the M!0/an0s an0 the North) ,here he "an't get o-t !nto the
"o-ntr(. No, an0 aga!n he 0oes !t at some gent/eman's "o-ntr(=ho-se) ,here he "an get
o-t !nto the "o-ntr(. We//) (o- #no, that a"tors an0 orators an0 a// sorts o1 peop/e /!#e
to rehearse the!r e11e"ts !n the open a!r !1 the( "an. 7Smiles.8 Yo- #no, that stor( o1 the
great statesman ,ho ,as hear0 $( h!s o,n gar0ener sa(!ng) as he pa"e0 the gar0en)
E+a0 6) Mr. Spea#er) re"e!.e0 the sma//est !nt!mat!on that 6 "o-/0 $e "a//e0 -pon to
spea# th!s e.en!ng....E 7Patr!"!a controls a smile, and he goes on with oerwhelming
enthusiasm.8 We//) "on<-rers are <-st the same. 6t ta#es some t!me to prepare an
!mprompt-. A man /!#e that ,a/#s a$o-t the ,oo0s an0 1!e/0s 0o!ng a// h!s tr!"#s
$e1orehan0) an0 ta/#!ng a// sorts o1 g!$$er!sh $e"a-se he th!n#s he !s a/one. One e.en!ng
th!s man 1o-n0 he ,as not a/one. +e 1o-n0 a .er( $ea-t!1-/ "h!/0 ,as ,at"h!ng h!m.
Patr!"!a. A "h!/05
Con<-rer. Yes. That ,as h!s 1!rst !mpress!on. +e !s an !nt!mate 1r!en0 o1 m!ne. 6 ha.e
#no,n h!m a// m( /!1e. +e te//s me he has s!n"e 0!s"o.ere0 she !s not a "h!/0. She 0oes
not 1-/1!/ the 0e1!n!t!on.
Patr!"!a. What !s the 0e1!n!t!on o1 a "h!/05
Con<-rer. Some$o0( (o- "an p/a( ,!th.
Patr!"!a. 7Abruptly.8 Wh( 0!0 (o- ,ear that "/oa# ,!th the hoo0 -p5
Con<-rer. 7Smiling.8 6 th!n# !t es"ape0 (o-r not!"e that !t ,as ra!n!ng.
Patr!"!a. 7Smiling faintly.8 An0 ,hat 0!0 th!s 1r!en0 o1 (o-rs 0o5
Con<-rer. Yo- ha.e a/rea0( to/0 me ,hat he 0!0. +e 0estro(e0 a 1a!r( ta/e) 1or he "reate0
a 1a!r( ta/e that he ,as $o-n0 to 0estro(. 7Swinging round suddenly on the table.8 *-t 0o
(o- $/ame a man .er( m-"h) M!ss Car/eon) !1 he en<o(e0 the on/( 1a!r( ta/e he ha0 ha0
!n h!s /!1e5 S-ppose he sa!0 the s!//( "!r"/es he ,as 0ra,!ng 1or pra"t!"e ,ere rea//(
mag!" "!r"/es5 S-ppose he sa!0 the $osh he ,as ta/#!ng ,as the /ang-age o1 the e/.es5
Remem$er) he has rea0 1a!r( ta/es as m-"h as (o- ha.e. Fa!r( ta/es are the on/(
0emo"rat!" !nst!t-t!ons. A// the "/asses ha.e hear0 a// the 1a!r( ta/es. Do (o- $/ame h!m
.er( m-"h !1 he) too) tr!e0 to ha.e a ho/!0a( !n 1a!r(/an05
Patr!"!a. 7Simply.8 6 $/ame h!m /ess than 6 0!0. *-t 6 st!// sa( there "an $e noth!ng ,orse
than 1a/se mag!". An0) a1ter a//) !t ,as he ,ho $ro-ght the 1a/se mag!".
Con<-rer. 7-ising from his seat.8 Yes. 6t ,as she ,ho $ro-ght the rea/ mag!".
7)nter Morr!s) in eening-dress. !e walks straight up to the con1uring-table; and picks
up one article after another, putting each down with a comment.
Morr!s. 6 #no, that one. 6 #no, that. 6 #no, that. et's see) that's the 1a/se $ottom) 6
th!n#. That ,or#s ,!th a ,!re. 6 #no, that9 !t goes -p the s/ee.e. That's the 1a/se $ottom
aga!n. That's the s-$st!t-te0 pa"# o1 "ar0s>that....
Patr!"!a. Rea//() Morr!s) (o- m-stn't ta/# as !1 (o- #ne, e.er(th!ng.
Con<-rer. Oh) 6 0on't m!n0 an(one #no,!ng e.er(th!ng) M!ss Car/eon. There !s
someth!ng that !s m-"h more !mportant than #no,!ng ho, a th!ng !s 0one.
Morr!s. An0 ,hat's that5
Con<-rer. Kno,!ng ho, to 0o !t.
Morr!s. 7,ecoming nasal again in anger.8 That's so) eh5 *e!ng the h!gh=tone0 "on<-rer
$e"a-se (o- "an't an( /onger ta#e a// the s!0e,a/# as a 1a!r(.
Patr!"!a. 7#rossing the room and speaking seriously to her brother.8 Rea//() Morr!s) (o-
are .er( r-0e. An0 !t's C-!te r!0!"-/o-s to $e r-0e. Th!s gent/eman ,as on/( pra"t!s!ng
some tr!"#s $( h!mse/1 !n the gar0en. 7/ith a certain dignity.8 61 there ,as an( m!sta#e)
!t ,as m!ne. Come) sha#e han0s) or ,hate.er men 0o ,hen the( apo/og!;e. Don't $e
s!//(. +e ,on't t-rn (o- !nto a $o,/ o1 go/01!sh.
Morr!s. 7-eluctantly.8 We//) 6 g-ess that's so. 76ffering his hand.8 Sha#e. 7They shake
hands.8 An0 (o- ,on't t-rn me !nto a $o,/ o1 go/01!sh an(ho,) Pro1essor. 6 -n0erstan0
that ,hen (o- 0o pro0-"e a $o,/ o1 go/01!sh) the( are genera//( s/!ps o1 "arrot. That !s
so) Pro1essor5
Con<-rer. 7Sharply.8 Yes. 7'roduces a bowl of goldfish from his tail pockets and holds it
under the other's nose.8 F-0ge 1or (o-rse/1.
Morr!s. 7%n monstrous e"citement.8 Ber( goo04 Ber( goo04 *-t 6 #no, ho, that's 0one
>6 #no, ho, that's 0one. Yo- ha.e an !n0!a=r-$$er "ap) (o- #no,) or "o.er....
Con<-rer. Yes.
7*oes back gloomily to his table and sits on it, picking up a pack of cards and
balancing it in his hand.
Morr!s. Ah) most m(ster!es are to/era$/( p/a!n !1 (o- #no, the apparat-s. 7)nter Do"tor
and Sm!th) talking with grae faces, but growing silent as they reach the group.8 6 g-ess
6 ,!sh ,e ha0 a// the o/0 apparat-s o1 a// the o/0 Pr!ests an0 Prophets s!n"e the
$eg!nn!ng o1 the ,or/0. 6 g-ess most o1 the o/0 m!ra"/es an0 that ,ere a matter o1 <-st
pane/ an0 ,!res.
Con<-rer. 6 0on't C-!te -n0erstan0 (o-. What o/0 apparat-s 0o (o- ,ant so m-"h5
Morr!s. 7,reaking out with all the fren0y of the young free-thinker.8 We//) s!r) 6 <-st ,ant
that o/0 apparat-s that t-rne0 ro0s !nto sna#es. 6 ,ant those smart app/!an"es) s!r) that
$ro-ght ,ater o-t o1 a ro"# ,hen o/0 man Moses "hose to h!t !t. 6 g-ess !t's a p!t( ,e'.e
/ost the ma"h!ner(. 6 ,o-/0 /!#e to ha.e those o/0 "on<-rers here that "a//e0 themse/.es
Patr!ar"hs an0 Prophets !n (o-r pre"!o-s *!$/e....
Patr!"!a. Morr!s) (o- m-stn't ta/# /!#e that.
Morr!s. We//) 6 0on't $e/!e.e !n re/!g!on....
Do"tor. 7Aside.8 +-sh) h-sh. No$o0( $-t ,omen $e/!e.e !n re/!g!on.
Patr!"!a. 7!umorously.8 6 th!n# th!s !s a 1!tt!ng opport-n!t( to sho, (o- another an"!ent
"on<-r!ng tr!"#.
Do"tor. Wh!"h one !s that5
Patr!"!a. The Ban!sh!ng a0(4
7)"it Patr!"!a.
Sm!th. There !s one part o1 the!r o/0 apparat-s 6 regret espe"!a//( $e!ng /ost.
Morr!s. 7Still e"cited.8 Yes4
Sm!th. The apparat-s 1or ,r!t!ng the *oo# o1 Fo$.
Morr!s. We//) ,e//) the( 0!0n't #no, e.er(th!ng !n those o/0 t!mes.
Sm!th. No) an0 !n those o/0 t!mes the( #ne, the( 0!0n't. 7Dreamily.8 Where sha//
,!s0om $e 1o-n0) an0 ,hat !s the p/a"e o1 -n0erstan0!ng5
Con<-rer. Some,here !n Amer!"a) 6 $e/!e.e.
Sm!th. 7Still dreamily.8 Man #no,eth not the pr!"e thereo19 ne!ther !s !t 1o-n0 !n the /an0
o1 the /!.!ng. The 0eep sa(eth !t !s not !n me) the sea sa(eth !t !s not ,!th me. Death an0
0estr-"t!on sa( ,e ha.e hear0 te// o1 !t. Go0 -n0erstan0eth the ,a( thereo1 an0 +e
#no,eth the p/a"e thereo1. For +e /oo#eth to the en0s o1 the earth an0 seeth -n0er the
,ho/e +ea.en. *-t to man +e hath sa!03 *eho/0 the 1ear o1 the or0 that !s ,!s0om) an0
to 0epart 1rom e.!/ !s -n0erstan0!ng. 7Turns suddenly to the Do"tor.8 +o,'s that 1or
Agnost!"!sm) Dr. Gr!mthorpe5 What a p!t( that apparat-s !s /ost.
Morr!s. We//) (o- ma( <-st sm!/e ho, (o- "hoose) 6 re"#on. *-t 6 sa( the Con<-rer here
"o-/0 $e the $!ggest man !n the $!g $/esse0 "ent-r!es !1 he "o-/0 <-st sho, -s ho, the
+o/( o/0 tr!"#s ,ere 0one. We m-st sa( th!s 1or o/0 man Moses) that he ,as !n a0.an"e
o1 h!s t!me. When he 0!0 the o/0 tr!"#s the( ,ere ne, tr!"#s. +e got the p-// on the
p-$/!". +e "o-/0 0o h!s tr!"#s $e1ore gro,n men) great $ear0e0 1!ght!ng men ,ho "o-/0
,!n $att/es an0 s!ng Psa/ms. *-t th!s mo0ern "on<-r!ng !s a// $eh!n0 the t!mes. That's
,h( the( on/( 0o !t ,!th s"hoo/$o(s. There !sn't a tr!"# on that ta$/e 6 0on't #no,. The
,ho/e tra0e's as 0ea0 as m-tton9 an0 not ha/1 so sat!s1(!ng. Wh( he 7pointing to the
Con<-rer8 $ro-ght o-t a $o,/ o1 go/01!sh <-st no,>an o/0 tr!"# that an($o0( "o-/0 0o.
Con<-rer. Oh) 6 C-!te agree. The apparat-s !s per1e"t/( s!mp/e. *( the ,a() /et me ha.e a
/oo# at those go/01!sh o1 (o-rs) ,!// (o-5
Morr!s. 7Angrily.8 6'm not a pa!0 p/a(=a"tor "ome here to "on<-re. 6'm not here to 0o
sta/e tr!"#s9 6'm here to see thro-gh 'em. 6 sa( !t's an o/0 tr!"# an0....
Con<-rer. Tr-e. *-t as (o- sa!0) ,e ne.er sho, !t e:"ept to s"hoo/$o(s.
Morr!s. An0 ma( 6 as# (o-) Pro1essor +o"-s Po"-s) or ,hate.er (o-r name !s) ,hom
(o- are "a//!ng a s"hoo/$o(5
Con<-rer. 6 $eg (o-r par0on. Yo-r s!ster ,!// te// (o- 6 am somet!mes m!sta#en a$o-t
"h!/0ren.
Morr!s. 6 1or$!0 (o- to appea/ to m( s!ster.
Con<-rer. That !s e:a"t/( ,hat a s"hoo/$o( ,o-/0 0o.
Morr!s. 7/ith abrupt and dangerous calm.8 6 am not a s"hoo/$o() Pro1essor. 6 am a C-!et
$-s!ness man. *-t 6 te// (o- !n the "o-ntr( 6 "ome 1rom) the han0 o1 a C-!et $-s!ness
man goes to h!s h!p po"#et at an !ns-/t /!#e that.
Con<-rer. 7$iercely.8 et !t go to h!s po"#et4 6 tho-ght the han0 o1 a C-!et $-s!ness man
more o1ten ,ent to someone e/se's po"#et.
Morr!s. Yo-....
7'uts his hand to his hip. The Do"tor puts his hand on his shoulder.
Do"tor. Gent/emen) 6 th!n# (o- are $oth 1orgett!ng (o-rse/.es.
Con<-rer. Perhaps. 7!is tone sinks suddenly to weariness.8 6 as# par0on 1or ,hat 6 sa!0.
6t ,as "erta!n/( !n e:"ess o1 the (o-ng gent/eman's 0eserts. 7Sighs.8 6 somet!mes rather
,!sh 6 "o-/0 1orget m(se/1.
Morr!s. 7Sullenly, after a pause.8 We//) the enterta!nment's "om!ng on9 an0 (o- Eng/!sh
0on't /!#e a s"ene. 6 re"#on 6'// ha.e to $-r( the $/ame0 o/0 hat"het too.
Do"tor. 7/ith a certain dignity, his social type shining through his profession.8 Mr.
Car/eon) (o- ,!// 1org!.e an o/0 man) ,ho #ne, (o-r 1ather ,e//) !1 he 0o-$ts ,hether
(o- are 0o!ng (o-rse/1 <-st!"e !n treat!ng (o-rse/1 as an Amer!"an 6n0!an) mere/(
$e"a-se (o- ha.e /!.e0 !n Amer!"a. 6n m( o/0 1r!en0 +-:/e('s t!me ,e o1 the m!00/e
"/asses 0!s$e/!e.e0 !n reason an0 a// sorts o1 th!ngs. *-t ,e 0!0 $e/!e.e !n goo0
manners. 6t !s a p!t( !1 the ar!sto"ra"( "an't. 6 0on't /!#e to hear (o- sa( (o- are a sa.age
an0 ha.e $-r!e0 a tomaha,#. 6 ,o-/0 rather hear (o- sa() as (o-r 6r!sh an"estors ,o-/0
ha.e sa!0) that (o- ha.e sheathe0 (o-r s,or0 ,!th the 0!gn!t( proper to a gent/eman.
Morr!s. Ber( ,e//. 6'.e sheathe0 m( s,or0 ,!th the 0!gn!t( proper to a gent/eman.
Con<-rer. An0 6 ha.e sheathe0 m( s,or0 ,!th the 0!gn!t( proper to a "on<-rer.
Morr!s. +o, 0oes the Con<-rer sheath a s,or05
Con<-rer. S,a//o,s !t.
Do"tor. Then ,e a// agree there sha// $e no C-arre/.
Sm!th. Ma( 6 sa( a ,or05 6 ha.e a great 0!s/!#e o1 a C-arre/) 1or a reason C-!te $e(on0
m( 0-t( to m( "/oth.
Morr!s. An0 ,hat !s that5
Sm!th. 6 o$<e"t to a C-arre/ $e"a-se !t a/,a(s !nterr-pts an arg-ment. Ma( 6 $r!ng (o-
$a"# 1or a moment to the arg-ment5 Yo- ,ere sa(!ng that these mo0ern "on<-r!ng tr!"#s
are s!mp/( the o/0 m!ra"/es ,hen the( ha.e on"e $een 1o-n0 o-t. *-t s-re/( another
.!e, !s poss!$/e. When ,e spea# o1 th!ngs $e!ng sham) ,e genera//( mean that the( are
!m!tat!ons o1 th!ngs that are gen-!ne. Ta#e that Re(no/0s o.er there o1 the D-#e's great=
gran01ather. 7'oints to a picture on the wall.8 61 6 ,ere to sa( !t ,as a "op(....
Morr!s. Wa/) the D-#e's rea/ am!a$/e9 $-t 6 re"#on (o-'0 1!n0 ,hat (o- "a// the
!nterr-pt!on o1 an arg-ment.
Sm!th. We//) s-ppose 6 0!0 sa( so) (o- ,o-/0n't ta#e !t as mean!ng that S!r Fosh-a
Re(no/0s ne.er /!.e0. Wh( sho-/0 sham m!ra"/es pro.e to -s that rea/ Sa!nts an0
Prophets ne.er /!.e0. There ma( $e sham mag!" an0 rea/ mag!" a/so.
7The Con<-rer raises his head and listens with a strange air of intentness.
Sm!th. There ma( $e t-rn!p ghosts pre"!se/( $e"a-se there are rea/ ghosts. There ma( $e
theatr!"a/ 1a!r!es pre"!se/( $e"a-se there are rea/ 1a!r!es. Yo- 0o not a$o/!sh the *an# o1
Eng/an0 $( po!nt!ng to a 1orge0 $an#=note.
Morr!s. 6 hope the Pro1essor en<o(s $e!ng "a//e0 a 1orge0 $an#=note.
Con<-rer. A/most as m-"h as $e!ng "a//e0 the Prospe"t-s o1 some Amer!"an Compan!es.
Do"tor. Gent/emen4 Gent/emen4
Con<-rer. 6 am sorr(.
Morr!s. Wa/) /et's ha.e the arg-ment 1!rst) then 6 g-ess ,e "an ha.e the C-arre/
a1ter,ar0s. 6'// "/ean th!s ho-se o1 some en"-m$ran"es. See here) Mr. Sm!th) 6'm not
p-tt!ng an(th!ng on (o-r rea/ m!ra"/e not!on. 6 sa() an0 S"!en"e sa(s) that there's a "a-se
1or e.er(th!ng. S"!en"e ,!// 1!n0 o-t that "a-se) an0 sooner or /ater (o-r o/0 m!ra"/e ,!//
/oo# m!ght( mean. Sooner or /ater S"!en"e ,!// $otan!se a $!t on (o-r t-rn!p ghosts9 an0
ma#e (o- /oo# t-rn!ps (o-rse/.es 1or ha.!ng ta#en an(. 6 sa(....
Do"tor. 7%n a low oice to Sm!th.8 6 0on't /!#e th!s pea"e1-/ arg-ment o1 (o-rs. The $o(
!s gett!ng m-"h too e:"!te0.
Morr!s. Yo- sa( o/0 man Re(no/0s /!.e09 an0 S"!en"e 0on't sa( no. 7!e turns e"citedly
to the picture.8 *-t 6 g-ess he's 0ea0 no,9 an0 (o-'// no more ra!se (o-r Sa!nts an0
Prophets 1rom the 0ea0 than (o-'// ra!se the D-#e's great=gran01ather to 0an"e on that
,a//.
7The picture begins to sway slightly to and fro on the wall.
Do"tor. Wh() the p!"t-re !s mo.!ng4
Morr!s. 7Turning furiously on the Con<-rer.8 Yo- ,ere !n the room $e1ore -s. Do (o-
re"#on that ,!// ta#e -s !n5 Yo- "an 0o a// that ,!th ,!res.
Con<-rer. 7+otionless and without looking up from the table.8 Yes) 6 "o-/0 0o a// that
,!th ,!res.
Morr!s. An0 (o- re"#one0 6 sho-/0n't #no,. 7(aughs with a high crowing laugh.8 That's
ho, the 0erne0 0!rt( Sp!r!t-a/!sts 0o a// the!r tr!"#s. The( sa( the( "an ma#e the
1-rn!t-re mo.e o1 !tse/1. 61 !t 0oes mo.e the( mo.e !t9 an0 ,e mean to #no, ho,.
7A chair falls oer with a slight crash.
7Morr!s almost staggers and momentarily fights for breath and words.
Morr!s. Yo- ... ,h( ... that ... e.er( one #no,s that ... a s/!0!ng p/an#. 6t "an $e 0one
,!th a s/!0!ng p/an#.
Con<-rer. 7/ithout looking up.8 Yes. 6t "an $e 0one ,!th a s/!0!ng p/an#.
7The Do"tor draws nearer to Morr!s) who faces about, addressing him passionately.
Morr!s. Yo- ,ere r!ght on the spot) Do") ,hen (o- ta/#e0 a$o-t that re0 /amp o1 (o-rs.
That re0 /amp !s the /!ght o1 s"!en"e that ,!// p-t o-t a// the /anterns o1 (o-r t-rn!p
ghosts. 6t's a "ons-m!ng 1!re) Do"tor) $-t !t !s the re0 /!ght o1 the morn!ng. 7'oints at it
in e"alted enthusiasm.8 Yo-r pr!ests "an no more stop that /!ght 1rom sh!n!ng or "hange
!ts "o/o-r an0 !ts ra0!an"e than Fosh-a "o-/0 stop the s-n an0 moon. 7(aughs saagely.8
Wh() a rea/ 1a!r( !n an e/1!n "/oa# stra(e0 too near the /amp an ho-r or t,o ago9 an0 !t
t-rne0 h!m !nto a "ommon so"!et( "/o,n ,!th a ,h!te t!e.
7The lamp at the end of the garden turns blue. They all look at it in silence.
Morr!s. 7Splitting the silence on a high unnatural note.8 Wa!t a $!t4 Wa!t a $!t4 6'.e got
(o-4 6'// ha.e (o-4... 7!e strides wildly up and down the room, biting his finger.8 Yo- p-t
a ,!re ... no) that "an't $e !t....
Do"tor. 7Speaking to him soothingly.8 We//) ,e//) <-st at th!s moment ,e nee0 not
!nC-!re....
Morr!s. 7Turning on him furiously.8 Yo- "a// (o-rse/1 a man o1 s"!en"e) an0 (o- 0are to
te// me not to !nC-!re4
Sm!th. We on/( mean that 1or the moment (o- m!ght /et !t a/one.
Morr!s. 75iolently.8 No) Pr!est) 6 ,!// not /et !t a/one. 7'acing the room again.8 Co-/0 !t
$e 0one ,!th m!rrors5 7!e clasps his brow.8 Yo- ha.e a m!rror.... 7Suddenly, with a
shout.8 6'.e got !t4 6'.e got !t4 M!:t-re o1 /!ghts4 Wh( not5 61 (o- thro, a green /!ght on
a re0 /!ght....
7Sudden silence.
Sm!th. 7.uietly to the Do"tor.8 Yo- 0on't get $/-e.
Do"tor. 7Stepping across to the Con<-rer.8 61 (o- ha.e 0one th!s tr!"#) 1or Go0's sa#e
-n0o !t.
7After a silence, the light turns red again.
Morr!s. 7Dashing suddenly to the glass doors and e"amining them.8 6t's the g/ass4
Yo-'.e $een 0o!ng someth!ng to the g/ass4
7!e stops suddenly and there is a long silence.
Con<-rer. 7Still without moing.8 6 0on't th!n# (o- ,!// 1!n0 an(th!ng ,rong ,!th the
g/ass.
Morr!s. 7,ursting open the glass doors with a crash.8 Then 6'// 1!n0 o-t ,hat's ,rong
,!th the /amp.
7Disappears into the garden.
Do"tor. 6t !s st!// a ,et n!ght) 6 am a1ra!0.
Sm!th. Yes. An0 some$o0( e/se ,!// $e ,an0er!ng a$o-t the gar0en no,.
7Through the broken glass doors Morr!s can be seen marching backwards and forwards
with swifter and swifter steps.
Sm!th. 6 s-ppose !n th!s "ase the Ce/t!" t,!/!ght ,!// not get on the "hest.
Do"tor. Oh) !1 !t ,ere on/( the "hest4
)nter Patr!"!a.
Patr!"!a. Where !s m( $rother5
7There is an embarrassed silence, in which the Con<-rer answers.
Con<-rer. 6 am a1ra!0 he !s ,a/#!ng a$o-t !n Fa!r(/an0.
Patr!"!a. *-t he m-stn't go o-t on a n!ght /!#e th!s9 !t's .er( 0angero-s4
Con<-rer. Yes) !t !s .er( 0angero-s. +e m!ght meet a 1a!r(.
Patr!"!a. What 0o (o- mean5
Con<-rer. Yo- ,ent o-t !n th!s sort o1 ,eather an0 (o- met th!s sort o1 1a!r() an0 so 1ar !t
has on/( $ro-ght (o- sorro,.
Patr!"!a. 6 am go!ng o-t to 1!n0 m( $rother.
7She goes out into the garden through the open doors.
Sm!th. 7After a silence, ery suddenly.8 What !s that no!se5 She !s not s!ng!ng those
songs to h!m) !s she5
Con<-rer. No. +e 0oes not -n0erstan0 the /ang-age o1 the e/.es.
Sm!th. *-t ,hat are a// those "r!es an0 gasps 6 hear5
Con<-rer. The norma/ no!ses) 6 $e/!e.e) o1 a C-!et $-s!ness man.
Do"tor. S!r) 6 "an -n0erstan0 (o-r $e!ng $!tter) 1or 6 a0m!t (o- ha.e $een -n"!.!//(
re"e!.e09 $-t to spea# /!#e that <-st no,....
7Patr!"!a reappears at the garden doors, ery pale.
Patr!"!a. Can 6 spea# to the Do"tor5
Do"tor. M( 0ear /a0() "erta!n/(. Sha// 6 1et"h the D-#e5
Patr!"!a. 6 ,o-/0 pre1er the Do"tor.
Sm!th. Can 6 $e o1 an( -se5
Patr!"!a. 6 on/( ,ant the Do"tor.
7D-!et/(.8 That /ast ,as a ,on0er1-/ tr!"# o1 (o-rs.
Sm!th. 7.uietly.8 That /ast ,as a ,on0er1-/ tr!"# o1 (o-rs.
Con<-rer. Than# (o-. 6 s-ppose (o- mean !t ,as the on/( one (o- 0!0n't see thro-gh.
Sm!th. Someth!ng o1 the #!n0) 6 "on1ess. Yo-r /ast tr!"# ,as the $est tr!"# 6 ha.e e.er
seen. 6t !s so goo0 that 6 ,!sh (o- ha0 not 0one !t.
Con<-rer. An0 so 0o 6.
Sm!th. +o, 0o (o- mean5 Do (o- ,!sh (o- ha0 ne.er $een a "on<-rer5
Con<-rer. 6 ,!sh 6 ha0 ne.er $een $orn.
7)"it Con<-rer.
7A silence. The Do"tor enters, ery grae.
Do"tor. 6t !s a// r!ght so 1ar. We ha.e $ro-ght h!m $a"#.
Sm!th. 7Drawing near to him.8 Yo- to/0 me there ,as menta/ tro-$/e ,!th the g!r/.
Do"tor. 7(ooking at him steadily.8 No. 6 to/0 (o- there ,as menta/ tro-$/e !n the 1am!/(.
Sm!th. 7After a silence.8 Where !s Mr. Morr!s Car/eon5
Do"tor. 6 ha.e got h!m !nto $e0 !n the ne:t room. +!s s!ster !s /oo#!ng a1ter h!m.
Sm!th. +!s s!ster4 Oh) then 0o (o- $e/!e.e !n 1a!r!es5
Do"tor. *e/!e.e !n 1a!r!es5 What 0o (o- mean5
Sm!th. At /east (o- p-t the person ,ho 0oes $e/!e.e !n them !n "harge o1 the person ,ho
0oesn't.
Do"tor. We//) 6 s-ppose 6 0o.
Sm!th. Yo- 0on't th!n# she'// #eep h!m a,a#e a// n!ght ,!th 1a!r( ta/es5
Do"tor. Certa!n/( not.
Sm!th. Yo- 0on't th!n# she'// thro, the me0!"!ne=$ott/e o-t o1 ,!n0o, an0 a0m!n!ster>
er>a 0e,0rop) or an(th!ng o1 that sort5 Or a 1o-r=/ea.e0 "/o.er) sa(5
Do"tor. No9 o1 "o-rse not.
Sm!th. 6 on/( as# $e"a-se (o- s"!ent!1!" men are a /!tt/e har0 on -s "/erg(men. Yo- 0on't
$e/!e.e !n a pr!esthoo09 $-t (o-'// a0m!t 6'm more rea//( a pr!est than th!s Con<-rer !s
rea//( a mag!"!an. Yo-'.e $een ta/#!ng a /ot a$o-t the *!$/e an0 the +!gher Cr!t!"!sm.
*-t e.en $( the +!gher Cr!t!"!sm the *!$/e !s o/0er than the /ang-age o1 the e/.es>
,h!"h ,as) as 1ar as 6 "an ma#e o-t) !n.ente0 th!s a1ternoon. *-t M!ss Car/eon $e/!e.e0
!n the ,!;ar0. M!ss Car/eon $e/!e.e0 !n the /ang-age o1 the e/.es. An0 (o- p-t her !n
"harge o1 an !n.a/!0 ,!tho-t a 1/!"#er o1 0o-$t3 $e"a-se (o- tr-st ,omen.
Do"tor. 75ery seriously.8 Yes) 6 tr-st ,omen.
Sm!th. Yo- tr-st a ,oman ,!th the pra"t!"a/ !ss-es o1 /!1e an0 0eath) thro-gh s/eep/ess
ho-rs ,hen a sha#!ng han0 or an e:tra gra!n ,o-/0 #!//.
Do"tor. Yes.
Sm!th. *-t !1 the ,oman gets -p to go to ear/( ser.!"e at m( "h-r"h) (o- "a// her ,ea#=
m!n0e0 an0 sa( that no$o0( $-t ,omen "an $e/!e.e !n re/!g!on.
Do"tor. 6 sho-/0 ne.er "a// th!s ,oman ,ea#=m!n0e0>no) $( Go0) not e.en !1 she ,ent
to "h-r"h.
Sm!th. Yet there are man( as strong=m!n0e0 ,ho $e/!e.e pass!onate/( !n go!ng to
"h-r"h.
Do"tor. Weren't there as man( ,ho $e/!e.e0 pass!onate/( !n Apo//o5
Sm!th. An0 ,hat harm "ame o1 $e/!e.!ng !n Apo//o5 An0 ,hat a mass o1 harm ma(
ha.e "ome o1 not $e/!e.!ng !n Apo//o5 Does !t ne.er str!#e (o- that 0o-$t "an $e a
ma0ness) as ,e// $e 1a!th5 That as#!ng C-est!ons ma( $e a 0!sease) as ,e// as
pro"/a!m!ng 0o"tr!nes5 Yo- ta/# o1 re/!g!o-s man!a4 6s there no s-"h th!ng as !rre/!g!o-s
man!a5 6s there no s-"h th!ng !n the ho-se at th!s moment5
Do"tor. Then (o- th!n# no one sho-/0 C-est!on at a//.
Sm!th. 7/ith passion, pointing to the ne"t room.8 6 th!n# that !s ,hat "omes o1
C-est!on!ng4 Wh( "an't (o- /ea.e the -n!.erse a/one an0 /et !t mean ,hat !t /!#es5 Wh(
sho-/0n't the th-n0er $e F-p!ter5 More men ha.e ma0e themse/.es s!//( $( ,on0er!ng
,hat the 0e.!/ !t ,as !1 !t ,asn't F-p!ter.
Do"tor. 7(ooking at him.8 Do (o- $e/!e.e !n (o-r o,n re/!g!on5
Sm!th. 7-eturning the look e&ually steadily.8 S-ppose 6 0on't3 6 sho-/0 st!// $e a 1oo/ to
C-est!on !t. The "h!/0 ,ho 0o-$ts a$o-t Santa C/a-s has !nsomn!a. The "h!/0 ,ho
$e/!e.es has a goo0 n!ght's rest.
Do"tor. Yo- are a Pragmat!st.
)nter D-#e) absent-mindedly.
Sm!th. That !s ,hat the /a,(ers "a// .-/gar a$-se. *-t 6 0o appea/ to pra"t!se. +ere !s a
1am!/( o.er ,h!"h (o- te// me a menta/ "a/am!t( ho.ers. +ere !s the $o( ,ho C-est!ons
e.er(th!ng an0 a g!r/ ,ho "an $e/!e.e an(th!ng. Upon ,h!"h has the "-rse 1a//en5
D-#e. Ta/#!ng a$o-t the Pragmat!sts. 6'm g/a0 to hear.... Ah) .er( 1or,ar0 mo.ement4 6
s-ppose Roose.e/t no,.... 7Silence.8 We//) ,e mo.e (o- #no,) ,e mo.e4 F!rst there ,as
the M!ss!ng !n#. 7Silence.8 No4 $irst there ,as Protop/asm>an0 then there ,as the
M!ss!ng !n#9 an0 Magna Carta an0 so on. 7Silence.8 Wh() /oo# at the 6ns-ran"e A"t4
Do"tor. 6 ,o-/0 rather not.
D-#e. 7/agging a playful finger at him.8 Ah) pre<-0!"e) pre<-0!"e4 Yo- 0o"tors) (o-
#no,4 We//) 6 ne.er ha0 an( m(se/1. 7Silence.
Do"tor. 7,reaking the silence in unusual e"asperation.8 An( ,hat5
D-#e. 7$irmly.8 Ne.er ha0 an( Mar"on!s m(se/1. Wo-/0n't to-"h 'em. 7Silence.8 We//) 6
m-st spea# to +ast!ngs.
7)"it D-#e) aimlessly.
Do"tor. 7)"ploding.8 We//) o1 a// the.... 7Turns to Sm!th.8 Yo- as#e0 me <-st no, ,h!"h
mem$er o1 the 1am!/( ha0 !nher!te0 the 1am!/( ma0ness.
Sm!th. Yes9 6 0!0.
Do"tor. 7%n a low, emphatic oice.8 On m( /!.!ng so-/) 6 $e/!e.e !t m-st $e the D-#e.
CURTA6N
ACT III
-oom partly darkened, a table with a lamp on it, and an empty chair. $rom room ne"t
door faint and occasional sounds of the tossing or talking of the inalid.
)nter Do"tor Gr!mthorpe with a rather careworn air, and a medicine bottle in his hand.
!e puts it on the table, and sits down in the chair as if keeping a igil.
)nter Con<-rer) carrying his bag, and cloaked for departure. As he crosses the room the
Do"tor rises and calls after him.
Do"tor. Forg!.e me) $-t ma( 6 0eta!n (o- 1or one moment5 6 s-ppose (o- are a,are that
>7he hesitates8 that there ha.e $een rather gra.e 0e.e/opments !n the "ase o1 !//ness
,h!"h happene0 a1ter (o-r per1orman"e. 6 ,o-/0 not sa() o1 "o-rse) $e"a-se o1 (o-r
per1orman"e.
Con<-rer. Than# (o-.
Do"tor. 7Slightly encouraged, but speaking ery carefully.8 Ne.erthe/ess) menta/
e:"!tement !s ne"essar!/( an e/ement o1 !mportan"e !n ph(s!o/og!"a/ tro-$/es) an0 (o-r
tr!-mphs th!s e.en!ng ,ere rea//( so e:traor0!nar( that 6 "annot preten0 to 0!sm!ss them
1rom m( pat!ent's "ase. +e !s at present !n a state some,hat ana/ogo-s to 0e/!r!-m) $-t
!n ,h!"h he "an st!// part!a//( as# an0 ans,er C-est!ons. The C-est!on he "ont!n-a//(
as#s !s ho, (o- manage0 to 0o (o-r /ast tr!"#.
Con<-rer. Ah4 M( /ast tr!"#4
Do"tor. No, 6 ,as ,on0er!ng ,hether ,e "o-/0 ma#e an( arrangement ,h!"h ,o-/0 $e
1a!r to (o- !n the matter. Wo-/0 !t $e poss!$/e 1or (o- to g!.e me !n "on1!0en"e the
means o1 sat!s1(!ng th!s>th!s 1!:e0 !0ea he seems to ha.e got. 7!e hesitates again, and
picks his words more slowly.8 Th!s spe"!a/ "on0!t!on o1 sem!=0e/!r!o-s 0!sp-tat!on !s a
rare one) an0 "onne"te0 !n m( e:per!en"e ,!th rather -n1ort-nate "ases.
Con<-rer. 7(ooking at him steadily.8 Do (o- mean he !s go!ng ma05
Do"tor. 7-ather taken aback for the first time.8 Rea//() (o- as# me an -n1a!r C-est!on. 6
"o-/0 not e:p/a!n the 1!ne sha0es o1 these th!ngs to a /a(man. An0 e.en !1>!1 ,hat (o-
s-ggest ,ere so) 6 sho-/0 ha.e to regar0 !t as a pro1ess!ona/ se"ret.
Con<-rer. 7Still looking at him.8 An0 0on't (o- th!n# (o- as# me a rather -n1a!r C-est!on)
Dr. Gr!mthorpe5 61 (o-rs !s a pro1ess!ona/ se"ret) !s not m!ne a pro1ess!ona/ se"ret too5
61 (o- ma( h!0e tr-th 1rom the ,or/0) ,h( ma( not 65 Yo- 0on't te// (o-r tr!"#s. 6 0on't
te// m( tr!"#s.
Do"tor. 7/ith some heat.8 O-rs are not tr!"#s.
Con<-rer. 7-eflectiely.8 Ah) no one "an $e s-re o1 that t!// the tr!"#s are to/0.
Do"tor. *-t the p-$/!" "an see a 0o"tor's "-res as p/a!n as....
Con<-rer. Yes. As p/a!n as the( sa, the re0 /amp o.er h!s 0oor th!s e.en!ng.
Do"tor. 7After a pause.8 Yo-r se"ret) o1 "o-rse) ,o-/0 $e str!"t/( #ept $( e.er( one
!n.o/.e0.
Con<-rer. Oh) o1 "o-rse. Peop/e !n 0e/!r!-m a/,a(s #eep se"rets str!"t/(.
Do"tor. No one sees the pat!ent $-t h!s s!ster an0 m(se/1.
Con<-rer. 7Starts slightly.8 Yes) h!s s!ster. 6s she .er( an:!o-s5
Do"tor. 7%n a lower oice.8 What ,o-/0 (o- s-ppose5
7Con<-rer throws himself into the chair, his cloak slipping back from his eening dress.
!e ruminates for a short space and then speaks.
Con<-rer. Do"tor) there are a$o-t a tho-san0 reasons ,h( 6 sho-/0 not te// (o- ho, 6
rea//( 0!0 that tr!"#. *-t one ,!// s-11!"e) $e"a-se !t !s the most pra"t!"a/ o1 a//.
Do"tor. We//5 An0 ,h( sho-/0n't (o- te// me5
Con<-rer. *e"a-se (o- ,o-/0n't $e/!e.e me !1 6 0!0.
7A silence, the Do"tor looking at him curiously.
7)nter the D-#e with papers in his hand. !is usual gaiety of manner has a rather forced
air, owing to the fact that by some ague sick-room associations he walks as if on tip-
toe and begins to speak in a sort of loud or shrill whisper. This he fortunately forgets
and falls into his more natural oice.
D-#e. 7To Con<-rer.8 So .er( #!n0 o1 (o- to ha.e ,a!te0) Pro1essor. 6 e:pe"t Dr.
Gr!mthorpe has e:p/a!ne0 the /!tt/e 0!11!"-/t( ,e are !n m-"h $etter than 6 "o-/0.
Noth!ng /!#e the me0!"a/ m!n0 1or a s"!ent!1!" statement. 7!a0ily.8 oo# at 6$sen.
7Silence.
Do"tor. O1 "o-rse the Pro1essor 1ee/s "ons!0era$/e re/-"tan"e !n the matter. +e po!nts
o-t that h!s se"rets are an essent!a/ part o1 h!s pro1ess!on.
D-#e. O1 "o-rse) o1 "o-rse. Tr!"#s o1 the tra0e) eh5 Ber( proper) o1 "o-rse. D-!te a "ase
o1 noblesse oblige 7Silence.8 *-t 6 0are sa( ,e sha// $e a$/e to 1!n0 a ,a( o-t o1 the
matter. 7!e turns to the Con<-rer.8 No,) m( 0ear s!r) 6 hope (o- ,!// not $e o11en0e0 !1 6
sa( that th!s o-ght to $e a $-s!ness matter. We are as#!ng (o- 1or a p!e"e o1 (o-r
pro1ess!ona/ ,or# an0 #no,/e0ge) an0 !1 6 ma( ha.e the p/eas-re o1 ,r!t!ng (o- a
"heC-e....
Con<-rer. 6 than# (o-r Gra"e) 6 ha.e a/rea0( re"e!.e0 m( "heC-e 1rom (o-r se"retar(.
Yo- ,!// 1!n0 !t on the "o-nter1o!/ <-st a1ter the "heC-e (o- so #!n0/( ga.e to the So"!et(
1or the S-ppress!on o1 Con<-r!ng.
D-#e. No, 6 0on't ,ant (o- to ta#e !t !n that ,a(. 6 ,ant (o- to ta#e !t !n a $roa0er ,a(.
Free) (o- #no,. 7/ith an e"pansie gesture.8 Mo0ern an0 a// that4 Won0er1-/ man)
*ernar0 Sha,4
7Silence.
Do"tor. 7/ith a slight cough, resuming.8 61 (o- 1ee/ an( 0e/!"a"( the pa(ment nee0 not
$e ma0e mere/( to (o-. 6 C-!te respe"t (o-r 1ee/!ngs !n the matter.
D-#e. 7Approingly.8 D-!te so) C-!te so. +a.en't (o- got a Ca-se or someth!ng5
E.er($o0( has a "a-se no,) (o- #no,. Con<-rers' ,!0o,s or someth!ng o1 that #!n0.
Con<-rer. 7/ith restraint.8 No9 6 ha.e no ,!0o,s.
D-#e. Then someth!ng /!#e a pens!on or ann-!t( 1or an( ,!0o,s (o- ma(>er>
pro"-re. 7*aily opening his che&ue-book and talking slang to show there is no ill-
feeling.8 Come) /et me "a// !t a "o-p/e o1 tho-.
7The Con<-rer takes the che&ue and looks at it in a grae and doubtful way. As he does
so the Re"tor comes slowly into the room.
Con<-rer. Yo- ,o-/0 rea//( $e ,!//!ng to pa( a s-m /!#e th!s to #no, the ,a( 6 0!0 that
tr!"#5
D-#e. 6 ,o-/0 ,!//!ng/( pa( m-"h more.
Do"tor. 6 th!n# 6 e:p/a!ne0 to (o- that the "ase !s ser!o-s.
Con<-rer. 7+ore and more thoughtful.8 Yo- ,o-/0 pa( m-"h more.... 7Suddenly.8 *-t
s-ppose 6 te// (o- the se"ret an0 (o- 1!n0 there's noth!ng !n !t5
Do"tor. Yo- mean that !t's rea//( C-!te s!mp/e5 Wh() 6 sho-/0 sa( that that ,o-/0 $e the
$est th!ng that "o-/0 poss!$/( happen. A /!tt/e hea/th( /a-ghter !s the $est poss!$/e th!ng
1or "on.a/es"en"e.
Con<-rer. 7Still looking gloomily at the che&ue.8 6 0o not th!n# (o- ,!// /a-gh.
D-#e. 7-easoning genially.8 *-t as (o- sa( !t !s someth!ng C-!te s!mp/e.
Con<-rer. 6t !s the s!mp/est th!ng there !s !n the ,or/0. That !s ,h( (o- ,!// not /a-gh.
Do"tor. 7Almost nerously.8 Wh() ,hat 0o (o- mean5 What sha// ,e 0o5
Con<-rer. 7*raely.8 Yo- ,!// 0!s$e/!e.e !t.
Do"tor. An0 ,h(5
Con<-rer. *e"a-se !t !s so s!mp/e. 7!e springs suddenly to his feet, the che&ue still in his
hand.8 Yo- as# me ho, 6 rea//( 0!0 the /ast tr!"#. 6 ,!// te// (o- ho, 6 0!0 the /ast tr!"#. 6
0!0 !t $( mag!".
7The D-#e and Do"tor stare at him motionless; but the Re.. Sm!th starts and takes a
step nearer the table. The Con<-rer pulls his cloak round his shoulders. This gesture, as
of departure, brings the Do"tor to his feet.
Do"tor. 7Astonished and angry.8 Do (o- rea//( mean that (o- ta#e the "heC-e an0 then
te// -s !t ,as on/( mag!"5
Con<-rer. 7'ulling the che&ue to pieces.8 6 tear the "heC-e) an0 6 te// (o- !t ,as on/(
mag!".
Do"tor. 7/ith iolent sincerity.8 *-t hang !t a//) there's no s-"h th!ng.
Con<-rer. Yes there !s. 6 ,!sh to Go0 6 0!0 not #no, that there !s.
D-#e. 7-ising also.8 Wh() rea//() mag!"....
Con<-rer. 7#ontemptuously.8 Yes) (o-r Gra"e) one o1 those /arger /a,s (o- ,ere te//!ng
-s a$o-t.
7!e buttons his cloak up at his throat and takes up his bag. As he does so the Re.. Sm!th
steps between him and the door and stops him for a moment.
Sm!th. 7%n a low oice.8 One moment) s!r.
Con<-rer. What 0o (o- ,ant5
Sm!th. 6 ,ant to apo/og!;e to (o-. 6 mean on $eha/1 o1 the "ompan(. 6 th!n# !t ,as
,rong to o11er (o- mone(. 6 th!n# !t ,as more ,rong to m(st!1( (o- ,!th me0!"a/
/ang-age an0 "a// the th!ng 0e/!r!-m. 6 ha.e more respe"t 1or "on<-rer's patter than 1or
0o"tor's patter. The( are $oth meant to st-p!1(9 $-t (o-rs on/( to st-p!1( 1or a moment.
No, 6 p-t !t to (o- !n p/a!n ,or0s an0 on p/a!n h-man Chr!st!an gro-n0s. +ere !s a poor
$o( ,ho ma( $e go!ng ma0. S-ppose (o- ha0 a son !n s-"h a pos!t!on) ,o-/0 (o- not
e:pe"t peop/e to te// (o- the ,ho/e tr-th !1 !t "o-/0 he/p (o-5
Con<-rer. Yes. An0 6 ha.e to/0 (o- the ,ho/e tr-th. Go an0 1!n0 o-t !1 !t he/ps (o-.
7Turns again to go, but more irresolutely.
Sm!th. Yo- #no, C-!te ,e// !t ,!// not he/p -s.
Con<-rer. Wh( not5
Sm!th. Yo- #no, C-!te ,e// ,h( not. Yo- are an honest man9 an0 (o- ha.e sa!0 !t
(o-rse/1. *e"a-se he ,o-/0 not $e/!e.e !t.
Con<-rer. 7/ith a sort of fury.8 We//) 0oes an($o0( $e/!e.e !t5 Do (o- $e/!e.e !t5
Sm!th. 7/ith great restraint.8 Yo-r C-est!on !s C-!te 1a!r. Come) /et -s s!t 0o,n an0 ta/#
a$o-t !t. et me ta#e (o-r "/oa#.
Con<-rer. 6 ,!// ta#e o11 m( "/oa# ,hen (o- ta#e o11 (o-r "oat.
Sm!th. 7Smiling.8 Wh(5 Do (o- ,ant me to 1!ght5
Con<-rer. 75iolently.8 6 ,ant (o- to $e mart(re0. 6 ,ant (o- to bear ,!tness to (o-r o,n
"ree0. 6 sa( these th!ngs are s-pernat-ra/. 6 sa( th!s ,as 0one $( a sp!r!t. The Do"tor
0oes not $e/!e.e me. +e !s an agnost!"9 an0 he #no,s e.er(th!ng. The D-#e 0oes not
$e/!e.e me9 he "annot $e/!e.e an(th!ng so p/a!n as a m!ra"/e. *-t ,hat the 0e.!/ are (o-
1or) !1 (o- 0on't $e/!e.e !n a m!ra"/e5 What 0oes (o-r "oat mean) !1 !t 0oesn't mean that
there !s s-"h a th!ng as the s-pernat-ra/5 What 0oes (o-r "-rse0 "o//ar mean !1 !t 0oesn't
mean that there !s s-"h a th!ng as a sp!r!t5 7)"asperated.8 Wh( the 0e.!/ 0o (o- 0ress -p
/!#e that !1 (o- 0on't $e/!e.e !n !t5 7/ith iolence.8 Or perhaps (o- 0on't $e/!e.e !n
0e.!/s5
Sm!th. 6 $e/!e.e.... 7After a pause.8 6 ,!sh 6 "o-/0 $e/!e.e.
Con<-rer. Yes. 6 ,!sh 6 "o-/0 0!s$e/!e.e.
7)nter Patr!"!a pale and in the slight n7glig7e of the amateur nurse.
Patr!"!a. Ma( 6 spea# to the Con<-rer5
Sm!th. 7!astening forward.8 Yo- ,ant the Do"tor5
Patr!"!a. No) the Con<-rer.
Do"tor. Are there an( 0e.e/opments5
Patr!"!a. 6 on/( ,ant to spea# to the Con<-rer.
7They all withdraw, either at the garden or the other doors. Patr!"!a walks up to
Con<-rer.
Patr!"!a. Yo- m-st te// me ho, (o- 0!0 the tr!"#. Yo- ,!//. 6 #no, (o- ,!//. O) 6 #no,
m( poor $rother ,as r-0e to (o-. +e's r-0e to e.er($o0(4 7,reaks down.8 *-t he's s-"h
a /!tt/e) /!tt/e $o(4
Con<-rer. 6 s-ppose (o- #no, there are th!ngs men ne.er te// to ,omen. The( are too
horr!$/e.
Patr!"!a. Yes. An0 there are th!ngs ,omen ne.er te// to men. The( a/so are too horr!$/e. 6
am here to hear them a//.
Con<-rer. Do (o- rea//( mean 6 ma( sa( an(th!ng 6 /!#e5 +o,e.er 0ar# !t !s5 +o,e.er
0rea01-/ !t !s5 +o,e.er 0amna$/e !t !s5
Patr!"!a. 6 ha.e gone thro-gh too m-"h to $e terr!1!e0 no,. Te// me the .er( ,orst.
Con<-rer. 6 ,!// te// (o- the .er( ,orst. 6 1e// !n /o.e ,!th (o- ,hen 6 1!rst sa, (o-.
7Sits down and crosses his legs.
Patr!"!a. 7Drawing back.8 Yo- to/0 me 6 /oo#e0 /!#e a "h!/0 an0....
Con<-rer. 6 to/0 a /!e.
Patr!"!a. O9 th!s !s terr!$/e.
Con<-rer. 6 ,as !n /o.e) 6 too# an opport-n!t(. Yo- $e/!e.e0 C-!te s!mp/( that 6 ,as a
mag!"!an5 $-t 6....
Patr!"!a. 6t !s terr!$/e. 6t !s terr!$/e. 6 ne.er $e/!e.e0 (o- ,ere a mag!"!an.
Con<-rer. 7Astounded.8 Ne.er $e/!e.e0 6 ,as a mag!"!an...4
Patr!"!a. 6 a/,a(s #ne, (o- ,ere a man.
Con<-rer. 7Doing whateer passionate things people do on the stage.8 6 am a man. An0
(o- are a ,oman. An0 a// the e/.es ha.e gone to e/1/an0) an0 a// the 0e.!/s to he//. An0
(o- an0 6 ,!// ,a/# o-t o1 th!s great .-/gar ho-se an0 $e marr!e0.... E.er( one !s "ra;(
!n th!s ho-se to=n!ght) 6 th!n#. What am 6 sa(!ng5 As !1 you "o-/0 marr( me4 O m( Go04
Patr!"!a. Th!s !s the 1!rst t!me (o- ha.e 1a!/e0 !n "o-rage.
Con<-rer. What 0o (o- mean5
Patr!"!a. 6 mean to 0ra, (o-r attent!on to the 1a"t that (o- ha.e re"ent/( ma0e an o11er) 6
a""ept !t.
Con<-rer. Oh) !t's nonsense) !t's nonsense. +o, "an a man marr( an ar"hange/) /et a/one
a /a0(. M( mother ,as a /a0( an0 she marr!e0 a 0(!ng 1!00/er ,ho trampe0 the roa0s9
an0 the m!:t-re p/a(s the "at an0 $an<o ,!th m( $o0( an0 so-/. 6 "an see m( mother
no, "oo#!ng 1oo0 !n 0!rt!er an0 0!rt!er /o0g!ngs) 0arn!ng so"#s ,!th ,ea#er an0 ,ea#er
e(es ,hen she m!ght ha.e ,orn pear/s $( "onsent!ng to $e a rat!ona/ person.
Patr!"!a. An0 she m!ght ha.e gro,n pear/s) $( "onsent!ng to $e an o(ster.
Con<-rer. 7Seriously.8 There ,as /!tt/e p/eas-re !n her /!1e.
Patr!"!a. There !s /!tt/e) a .er( /!tt/e) !n e.er($o0('s. The C-est!on !s) ,hat #!n05 We "an't
t-rn /!1e !nto a p/eas-re. *-t ,e "an "hoose s-"h p/eas-res as are ,orth( o1 -s an0 o-r
!mmorta/ so-/s. Yo-r mother "hose an0 6 ha.e "hosen.
Con<-rer. 7Staring.8 6mmorta/ so-/s4... An0 6 s-ppose !1 6 #ne/t 0o,n to ,orsh!p (o-)
(o- an0 e.er( one e/se ,o-/0 /a-gh.
Patr!"!a. 7/ith a smile of perersity.8 We//) 6 th!n# th!s !s a more "om1orta$/e ,a(. 7She
sits down suddenly beside him in a sort of domestic way and goes on talking.8 Yes. 6'//
0o e.er(th!ng (o-r mother 0!0) not so ,e//) o1 "o-rse9 6'// 0arn that "on<-rer's hat>0oes
one 0arn hats5>an0 "oo# the Con<-rer's 0!nner. *( the ,a() ,hat !s a Con<-rer's
0!nner5 There's a/,a(s the go/01!sh) o1 "o-rse....
Con<-rer. 7/ith a groan.8 Carrots.
Patr!"!a. An0) o1 "o-rse) no, 6 "ome to th!n# o1 !t) (o- "an a/,a(s ta#e ra$$!ts o-t o1
the hat. Wh() ,hat a "heap /!1e !t m-st $e4 +o, 0o (o- "oo# ra$$!ts5 The D-#e !s
a/,a(s ta/#!ng a$o-t poa"he0 ra$$!ts. Rea//() ,e sha// $e as happ( as !s goo0 1or -s.
We'// ha.e "on1!0en"e !n ea"h other at /east) an0 no se"rets. 6 !ns!st on #no,!ng a// the
tr!"#s.
Con<-rer. 6 0on't th!n# 6 #no, ,hether 6'm on m( hea0 or m( hee/s.
Patr!"!a. An0 no,) as ,e're go!ng to $e so "on1!0ent!a/ an0 "om1orta$/e) (o-'// <-st te//
me the rea/) pra"t!"a/) tr!"#( /!tt/e ,a( (o- 0!0 that /ast tr!"#.
Con<-rer. 7-ising, rigid with horror.8 +o, 6 0!0 that tr!"#5 6 0!0 !t $( 0e.!/s. 7Turning
furiously on Patr!"!a.8 Yo- "o-/0 $e/!e.e !n 1a!r!es. Can't (o- $e/!e.e !n 0e.!/s5
Patr!"!a. 7Seriously.8 No) 6 "an't $e/!e.e !n 0e.!/s.
Con<-rer. We//) th!s room !s 1-// o1 them.
Patr!"!a. What 0oes !t a// mean5
Con<-rer. 6t on/( means that 6 ha.e 0one ,hat man( men ha.e 0one9 $-t 1e,) 6 th!n#)
ha.e thr!.en $(. 7!e sits down and talks thoughtfully.8 6 to/0 (o- 6 ha0 m!:e0 ,!th man(
C-eer sets o1 peop/e. Among others) 6 m!:e0 ,!th those ,ho preten0) tr-/( an0 1a/se/()
to 0o o-r tr!"#s $( the a!0 o1 sp!r!ts. 6 0a$$/e0 a /!tt/e !n ta$/e=rapp!ng an0 ta$/e=t-rn!ng.
*-t 6 soon ha0 reason to g!.e !t -p.
Patr!"!a. Wh( 0!0 (o- g!.e !t -p5
Con<-rer. 6t $egan $( g!.!ng me hea0a"hes. An0 6 1o-n0 that e.er( morn!ng a1ter a
Sp!r!t-a/!st s7ance 6 ha0 a C-eer 1ee/!ng o1 /o,ness an0 0egra0at!on) o1 ha.!ng $een
so!/e09 m-"h /!#e the 1ee/!ng) 6 s-ppose) that peop/e ha.e the morn!ng a1ter the( ha.e
$een 0r-n#. *-t 6 happen to ha.e ,hat peop/e "a// a strong hea09 an0 6 ha.e ne.er $een
rea//( 0r-n#.
Patr!"!a. 6 am g/a0 o1 that.
Con<-rer. 6t hasn't $een 1or ,ant o1 tr(!ng. *-t !t ,asn't /ong $e1ore the sp!r!ts ,!th
,hom 6 ha0 $een p/a(!ng at ta$/e=t-rn!ng) 0!0 ,hat 6 th!n# the( genera//( 0o at the en0
o1 a// s-"h ta$/e=t-rn!ng.
Patr!"!a. What 0!0 the( 0o5
Con<-rer. The( t-rne0 the ta$/es. The( t-rne0 the ta$/es -pon me. 6 0on't ,on0er at (o-r
$e/!e.!ng !n 1a!r!es. As /ong as these th!ngs ,ere m( ser.ants the( seeme0 to me /!#e
1a!r!es. When the( tr!e0 to $e m( masters.... 6 1o-n0 the( ,ere not 1a!r!es. 6 1o-n0 the
sp!r!ts ,!th ,hom 6 at /east ha0 "ome !n "onta"t ,ere e.!/ ... a,1-//() -nnat-ra//( e.!/.
Patr!"!a. D!0 the( sa( so5
Con<-rer. Don't ta/# o1 ,hat the( sa!0. 6 ,as a /oose 1e//o,) $-t 6 ha0 not 1a//en so /o,
as s-"h th!ngs. 6 res!ste0 them9 an0 a1ter a prett( $a0 t!me) ps("ho/og!"a//( spea#!ng) 6
"-t the "onne:!on. *-t the( ,ere a/,a(s tempt!ng me to -se the s-pernat-ra/ po,er 6
ha0 got 1rom them. 6t ,as not .er( great) $-t !t ,as eno-gh to mo.e th!ngs a$o-t) to
a/ter /!ghts) an0 so on. 6 0on't #no, ,hether (o- rea/!;e that !t's rather a stra!n on a man
to 0r!n# $a0 "o11ee at a "o11ee=sta// ,hen he #no,s he has <-st eno-gh mag!" !n h!m to
ma#e a $ott/e o1 "hampagne ,a/# o-t o1 an empt( shop.
Patr!"!a. 6 th!n# (o- $eha.e0 .er( ,e//.
Con<-rer. 7,itterly.8 An0 ,hen 6 1e// at /ast !t ,as 1or noth!ng ha/1 so "/ean an0 Chr!st!an
as "hampagne. 6n $/a"# $/!n0 pr!0e an0 anger an0 a// #!n0s o1 heathenr() $e"a-se o1 the
!mp-0en"e o1 a s"hoo/$o() 6 "a//e0 on the 1!en0s an0 the( o$e(e0.
Patr!"!a. 7Touches his arm.8 Poor 1e//o,4
Con<-rer. Yo-r goo0ness !s the on/( goo0ness that ne.er goes ,rong.
Patr!"!a. An0 ,hat are ,e to 0o ,!th Morr!s5 6>6 $e/!e.e (o- no,) m( 0ear. *-t he>
he ,!// ne.er $e/!e.e.
Con<-rer. There !s no $!got /!#e the athe!st. 6 m-st th!n#.
7/alks towards the garden windows. The other men reappear to arrest his moement.
Do"tor. Where are (o- go!ng5
Con<-rer. 6 am go!ng to as# the Go0 ,hose enem!es 6 ha.e ser.e0 !1 6 am st!// ,orth( to
sa.e a "h!/0.
7)"it into garden. !e paces up and down e"actly as Morr!s has done. As he does so)
Patr!"!a slowly goes out; and a long silence follows, during which the remaining men
stir and stamp ery restlessly. The darkness increases. %t is long before anyone speaks.
Do"tor. 7Abruptly.8 Remar#a$/e man that Con<-rer. C/e.er man. C-r!o-s man. Ber(
"-r!o-s man. A #!n0 o1 man) (o- #no,.... or0 $/ess -s4 What's that5
D-#e. What's ,hat) eh5 What's ,hat5
Do"tor. 6 s,ear 6 hear0 a 1ootstep.
)nter +ast!ngs with papers.
D-#e. Wh() +ast!ngs>+ast!ngs>,e tho-ght (o- ,ere a ghost. Yo- m-st $e>er>
/oo#!ng ,h!te or someth!ng.
+ast!ngs. 6 ha.e $ro-ght $a"# the ans,er o1 the Ant!=Begetar!ans ... 6 mean the
Begetar!ans.
7Drops one or two papers.
D-#e. Wh() +ast!ngs) (o- are /oo#!ng ,h!te.
+ast!ngs. 6 as# (o-r Gra"e's par0on. 6 ha0 a s/!ght sho"# on enter!ng the room.
Do"tor. A sho"#5 What sho"#5
+ast!ngs. 6t !s the 1!rst t!me) 6 th!n#) that (o-r Gra"e's ,or# has $een 0!st-r$e0 $( an(
pr!.ate 1ee/!ngs o1 m!ne. 6 sha// not tro-$/e (o-r Gra"e ,!th them. 6t ,!// not o""-r
aga!n.
7)"it +ast!ngs.
D-#e. What an e:traor0!nar( 1e//o,. 6 ,on0er !1....
7Suddenly stops speaking.
Do"tor. 7After a long silence, in a low oice to Sm!th.8 +o, 0o (o- 1ee/5
Sm!th. 6 1ee/ 6 m-st ha.e a ,!n0o, sh-t or 6 m-st ha.e !t open) an0 6 0on't #no, ,h!"h
!t !s.
7Another long silence.
Sm!th. 7#rying out suddenly in the dark.8 6n Go0's name) go4
Do"tor. 78umping up rather in a tremble.8 Rea//() s!r) 6 am not -se0 to $e!ng spo#en to....
Sm!th. 6t ,as not (o- ,hom 6 to/0 to go.
Do"tor. No. 7'ause.8 *-t 6 th!n# 6 ,!// go. Th!s room !s s!mp/( horr!$/e.
7!e marches towards the door.
D-#e. 78umping up and bustling about, altering cards, papers, etc., on tables.8 Room
horr!$/e5 Room horr!$/e5 No) no) no. 7,egins to run &uicker round the room, flapping
his hands like fins.8 On/( a /!tt/e "ro,0e0. A /!tt/e "ro,0e0. An0 6 0on't seem to #no, a//
the peop/e. We "an't /!#e e.er($o0(. These /arge at=homes....
7Tumbles on to a chair.
Con<-rer. 7-eappearing at the garden doors.8 Go $a"# to he// 1rom ,h!"h 6 "a//e0 (o-.
6t !s the /ast or0er 6 sha// g!.e.
Do"tor. 7-ising rather shakily.8 An0 ,hat are (o- go!ng to 0o5
Con<-rer. 6 am go!ng to te// that poor /!tt/e /a0 a /!e. 6 ha.e 1o-n0 !n the gar0en ,hat he
0!0 not 1!n0 !n the gar0en. 6 ha.e manage0 to th!n# o1 a nat-ra/ e:p/anat!on o1 that tr!"#.
Do"tor. 7/armly moed.8 6 th!n# (o- are someth!ng /!#e a great man. Can 6 ta#e (o-r
e:p/anat!on to h!m no,5
Con<-rer. 7*rimly.8 No than# (o-. 6 ,!// ta#e !t m(se/1.
7)"it into the other room.
D-#e. 79neasily.8 We a// 1e/t 0e.!/!sh C-eer <-st no,. Won0er1-/ th!ngs there are !n the
,or/0. 7After a pause.8 6 s-ppose !t's a// e/e"tr!"!t(.
7Silence as usual.
Sm!th. 6 th!n# there has $een more than e/e"tr!"!t( !n a// th!s.
)nter Patr!"!a) still pale, but radiant.
Patr!"!a. Oh) Morr!s !s e.er so m-"h $etter4 The Con<-rer has to/0 h!m s-"h a goo0 stor(
o1 ho, the tr!"# ,as 0one.
)nter Con<-rer.
D-#e. Pro1essor) ,e o,e (o- a tho-san0 than#s4
Do"tor. Rea//() (o- ha.e 0o-$/e0 (o-r "/a!m to or!g!na/!t(4
Sm!th. 6t !s m-"h more mar.e//o-s to e:p/a!n a m!ra"/e than to ,or# a m!ra"/e. What
,as (o-r e:p/anat!on) $( the ,a(5
Con<-rer. 6 sha// not te// (o-.
Sm!th. 7Starting.8 6n0ee05 Wh( not5
Con<-rer. *e"a-se Go0 an0 the 0emons an0 that 6mmorta/ M(ster( that (o- 0en( has
$een !n th!s room to=n!ght. *e"a-se (o- #no, !t has $een here. *e"a-se (o- ha.e 1e/t !t
here. *e"a-se (o- #no, the sp!r!ts as ,e// as 6 0o an0 1ear them as m-"h as 6 0o.
Sm!th. We//5
Con<-rer. *e"a-se a// th!s ,o-/0 not a.a!/. 61 6 to/0 (o- the /!e 6 to/0 Morr!s Car/eon
a$o-t ho, 6 0!0 that tr!"#....
Sm!th. We//5
Con<-rer. Yo- ,o-/0 $e/!e.e !t as he $e/!e.e0 !t. Yo- "annot th!n# 7pointing to the lamp8
ho, that tr!"# "o-/0 $e 0one nat-ra//(. 6 a/one 1o-n0 o-t ho, !t "o-/0 $e 0one>a1ter 6
ha0 0one !t $( mag!". *-t !1 6 te// (o- a nat-ra/ ,a( o1 0o!ng !t....
Sm!th. We//5...
Con<-rer. +a/1 an ho-r a1ter 6 ha.e /e1t th!s ho-se (o- ,!// $e a// sa(!ng ho, !t ,as
0one.
7Con<-rer buttons up his cloak and adances to Patr!"!a.
Con<-rer. Goo0=$(e.
Patr!"!a. 6 sha// not sa( goo0=$(e.
Con<-rer. Yo- are great as ,e// as goo0. *-t a sa!nt "an $e a temptress as ,e// as a
s!nner. 6 p-t m( hono-r !n (o-r han0s ... oh) (es) 6 ha.e a /!tt/e /e1t. We $egan ,!th a
1a!r( ta/e. +a.e 6 an( r!ght to ta#e a0.antage o1 that 1a!r( ta/e5 +as not that 1a!r( ta/e
rea//( an0 tr-/( "ome to an en05
Patr!"!a. Yes. That 1a!r( ta/e has rea//( an0 tr-/( "ome to an en0. 7(ooks at him a little in
the old mystical manner.8 6t !s .er( har0 1or a 1a!r( ta/e to "ome to an en0. 61 (o- /ea.e !t
a/one !t /!ngers e.er/ast!ng/(. O-r 1a!r( ta/e has "ome to an en0 !n the on/( ,a( a 1a!r(
ta/e "an "ome to an en0. The on/( ,a( a 1a!r( ta/e "an /ea.e o11 $e!ng a 1a!r( ta/e.
Con<-rer. 6 0on't -n0erstan0 (o-.
Patr!"!a. 6t has "ome tr-e.
CURTA6N