Hello and Good Evening,

Here at Grey Matter we have a motto; “If it’s shit, blame

Meadows.” Consistent with this motto, we hereby
relinquish all responsibility for any material, true or false,
contained within. Read at own discretion. Buyer beware.

Our aim for this term was always to beat the shower of
shite we were fed last term. Have we succeeded? Frankly,
we don’t give a toss. Minimal fun was had by all, and to
be honest, we were only doing this to boost our fragile
egos and to make the odd person smile.

Keep it Grey Matter

Yours,
Lee Speakman and Andy Farley
Grey Matter Editors, Michaelmas 2005

PS It’s traditional to acknowledge the skill and aptitude

of our fantastic team. Jules and Rory; you are legends.
Ben; we love you. Smeadows; ?. Everyone else, you
were shit as always. Never ask us for any favours ever
again.
Scientific study suggests downing a pint of gin is
‘fucking stupid’

DSU Welfare to offer free incontinence pads

Trojan Horse stabled in Library

George Best’s final appearance at Winter

Wonderland ‘ill-advised’

Mass outrage as definition of ‘Navarin’ is revealed

Zany emails may give the impression of doing work.

Word!

Livers Out Handbooks lost in freak postal accident

Social Committee Team-Building Weekend a

‘roaring success’
 Secret of Cheerleading Triumph Revealed!

Following the stunning triumph of

the Grey cheerleading team, GM
went on the hunt for the secret of
their success.

The girls were initially coy then

finally let on about their new coach
for this term, none other than
Chaplain Dr Kenedy.

“He’s totally transformed our team,

he’s been an inspiration”, said
captain, Vicky Holgate. “The changes have been huge, the old costumes were
far too restrictive, now we’ve got much more freedom to move around. The
innovation of trampoline training has definitely increased our fitness. The
collective team bath has also done wonders for morale. Dave selflessly joins in,
he’s always first in with the loofah, it’s incredible commitment.”

“It’s his dedication that marks him out, did you know he films all the training
sessions and spends hours pouring over the tapes at home to look for
imperfections, he really does go that extra mile.”

Dave just smiles, “Well, only working one day a week means I’ve got plenty of
time to help out, it’s a privilege to work with such talent!”

Has he made it at all religious? “Not at all, although we do seem to be spending

a lot of time kneeling!” says the captain, grinning broadly. “The individual one-
on-one tutoring he gives the team have certainly increased their stamina.” “He’s
such a pro, I can now go on for hours”, said another, “and he’s always bringing
in specialist moves.” “What he got me to do with my baton, well it’s been mind
blowing”, said one shy team member. “He’s a genius to come up with it all”.
“Not at all, just an old trick I learnt with altar candles”, explained the modest
Davie.

Predictably Kenedy won’t let this distract from his day job. “To me Christianity
is all about love, that’s why I’m doing my best to spread it far and wide.”

Quote: Any hole is a goal

(Charlie Sammut)
Knight the Redeemer

Quote: James MacKinnon: “She’s not worth a squirt, so she needs to buy batteries.”
 Minutes For the Annual General Meeting of the
Grey College Cleaning Ladies Association
Friday 22 nd October 2005, 11:00 Oswald Quad

1. Apologies: Beryl, Doris, Betty, Anne, Rose (collecting benefit. Arrived late)

2. Coffee Break
Pricks on bottom floor only had Nescafe. Were hoping for Douwe Egberts. Arses.

3. Approval of Minutes
Minutes approved on a general aye.

4. Fag Break
Sat in doorway on piece of carpet. Smoke successfully blown down corridor.

5. Matters Arising from Minutes

Amendment : Maureen noted that 7.1 should read “caught 11 people masturbating”
not 6.

6. Elections
A) Dirty Trenchcoat Rep
Betty re-elected with a new record of 23 mid-coital interruptions. Standing ovation.

7. Coffee Break

8. Fag Break

9. Motions
This Meeting notes; i) Vomit
ii) Money
iii) Shell suits
This Meeting believes; i) Vomit = Money = Shell suits
ii) If the JCR is stupid enough to pay us £45 for every bit of
chunder, we should milk them for all they’ve got
This Meeting resolves; i) to get shitted every Saturday night, throw up in Holgate,
and ‘clean up’ every Monday

10. Fag Break

11. Coffee Break

Girls on top floor have Ovaltine. Magic.

12. End of Meeting

Please throw fag ends onto doorstep
Grey College Business Angels present:

A day in the life……

This term: The delightful Joyce Dover,
takes time out of her busy schedule to give
Grey Matter a peek at the glamourous and
hectic world of conference management.

• 9:08 AM: Arrive at Grey College

• 9:27AM: Finish parking

• 9:30AM: Checked the post.

Arranged it in the bin for later.

• 9:32AM: Went to the SCR for a quick coffee. It’s been such a
busy morning. Someone came to reception to buy a wash
token. We’ve got no change.

• 9:45AM Practiced Scottish accent. Must concentrate on my

vowels

• 10:14AM: Had a phonecall from someone, about something.

Put them on hold while I turned on the computer.

• 10:49AM: Finally remembered my log-in password; Joycey-

Joycey. Got in a bit of a muddle. Ended phonecall.

• 11:00AM: Realised I’d double-booked the Pennington

• 11:11AM-11:48AM: Panicked. Got confused.

• 11:50AM: Moved double-booking to Holgate, Holgate 1 to

Holgate 2, Holgate 2 to the Library. Library to the Old Library,
and Old Library to Pennington… or was it the JCR. Ran out
of rooms. Put the geology conference in Flat 4 Elvet South
on the Foutains hall booking system. Emailed Dave Baldwin
to tell him I’d managed to book him the car park for Sunday’s
exec meeting.
 • 12:45PM Some pretty boy
called Seb came in. Was a
bit distracted by him. Cute
boy. Wanted me to pass
on a form to someone
called Martyn. Wouldn’t
mind a little social event of
my own with Seb.

• 1:00PM Got confused.

Didn’t do much. Wandered
about and looked angry for
a bit.

• 1:15PM Was allowed to look after reception! Seb walked

past at 1:18. Noted the time very carefully.

• 2:25PM: Typed away at my computer for a bit. When no one

was looking, I even played a game of FreeCell. Maybe
Minesweeper tomorrow – although that is quite hard.

• 3:01PM: The phone rang. It wasn’t Seb. Hung up.

• 4:16PM: Stared out of the entrance for a while. I can be very,

very still.

• 5:00PM(ish) Left work.

• 8:00PM: Found home

Thanks, Joyce! Next time, we follow Jean “Sunshine” Heslington to find

out what exactly it is that she does!

Quote: If I like the smell, I usually like the taste

(Elliott Hampson)
Dear Mel,
I still have my condom (unused) from Freshers
Week. Hows about it?

God no.
PS If you haven’t got your end away in the
first three weeks, you probably never will.
Grow a pair. Loser.

Dear Dave,
Don’t you think there’s a conflict between Welfare and the Cheese
Society?

Not at all! The Cheese Society has always

promoted sensible drinking! Here’s our list of
do’s and don’ts to prove it!

• Whenever planning on consuming alcohol,

always consume plenty of fatty foods
beforehand. That’s why I’m fat. I’m safe.
Such an example of a fatty food would be
Edam, Cheddar, Red Leicester or Brie.

• Never mix more than 7 different spirits in a single glass. Incorrect!

• Drinking large quantities of beer is safer than drinking large

quantities of fruit juice (laxative) or fizzy drinks (give you
Gonorrhoea)

• When doing a strawpeedo, don’t down girly drinks unless you are a
girl. Reefs, Bacardi Breezers and Smirnoff Ices have all been
proven to increase oestrogen levels in the blood stream. Guys, if
you drink these, you may grow breasts. Error!

Stay safe, guys!

 Snooker Room
Booking System (explained)
 DIY Manifesto
Do you crave power? Feel the urge to exercise your insecurities by
constantly bossing people about? Like the idea of gutting the JCR budget
on free booze for you and your oligarchic clique?

Then you need to get on the Exec!

But those pesky manifestos! You can’t be bothered with all

that hassle! DON’T WORRY! GM is here to help!! We
have a step by step guide to getting that cushy exec
position you’ve always dreamed about. Free formals, here
you come!

Photo
A must. The message you want to get over is
as an extrovert, “up for anything” kinda guy,
so downing a dirty pint is great, goosing the
bursar, doubleplus good. Tied to a radiatior
butt-naked, save for a gimp mask, is probably
best left to the Dyson private collection.

Who am I?

Easy one to start; year and course. If you’re doing something horribly
geeky, this is where you should start lying. Zoology is always a good
substitute to hide your shame.

What I do

You get involved! In everything! Every society and sports team you can
spell. Especially the Cheese Society, unless you want people to think
you’re an anti-social bastard. Pssst! Nobody really knows how many
people are on the charities committee! Put it down!

If you still haven’t got much down, make up your own society! You can
get any old bollocks through a JCR meeting. Choose a ridiculous,
unpronounceable acronym, and establish yourself as Generalissimo. Have
one meeting with your mates in your front room and do fuck all ever
again.
If you’re telling us your hobbies or what you did last summer, you
probably need to remember that less is sometimes more.

What the position involves

This is an exercise in stating the fucking obvious. Be as patronising as

possible, it’s a vital exec skill for talking down to the proles.

Colour
This is vital to get right. You need to match your
personality, so red if you’re vibrant and outgoing, blue
if you’re cool and collected, and monochrome if
you’re running for Senior DSU rep. Make sure to get a
Grey logo on there, just in case some people are
confused as to what college they belong to.

Proposers
Right, you’re not well known, but don’t fret, you can
get votes off the back of popular people. It doesn’t
matter if they don’t know your name, get the rugby captain on board and
you’re a shoo-in. If that fails, Adrian C will propose anyone.

Glossary of Vital Terms

24hour contactable – I own a Nokia 3210 that only works in Trevs.
Approachable – willing to have photo taken with anyone when pissed
Organised – can tell arse from elbow. Best 2 times out of 3.
Liaise – get a faint nod of recognition from Cleaver every now and then

Make sure you put your manifesto up in all the toilets. Once people are
sat down and braced for the burn, they’ll read any old crap to the pass the
time.

Nearly there! Now all you have to do is not turn up pissed to the hust,
and grease the Chair for 50. Best of luck!
Dr. Karl helps celebrate another stonking edition of Grey Matter. Belgium!

Master unveils the new Tom Henry Dyson poses for new
Metcalf Smoking Shack in college portrait
field behind Fountains Hall
Dear Sirs,
Our secret cliquey catchphrases have been discovered! How bad is this?
The Exec
It’s an utter abortion.

Dear Sirs,
Ugg ugg oogaa errr ugggg guggg.
Fresher, Oswald
Cheers, Theo, we’ll take it on board

Dear Sirs,
Is it just me or are this year’s freshers less shit than we were?
Anti-social, Langley Moor
Nope, spot on.

Dear Left-Wing, Marxist-Faggots,

Could you please tell me something I don’t know, because I’m pretty sure
I know everything.
Yours Katt Might
PS Hell, I once went to Durham with that express purpose!

Dear Sirs,
Are we still funny?
Grant and George
No, you’re accountants

Dear Sirs,
God, I lik bein in the kno. Such a shaym I’m always rong.
Russssssell

Dear Sirs,
Did you write this shower of shite in one night?
Disappointed, Grey College
Yes
He’s been keeping a low profile for the last few months. It’s almost
like he’s trying to stay out of Grey Matter! Can YOU find the
cheeky little chappy?

Quote: Cheerleader : Martyn, Martyn, we’ve got nowhere to

practice!

Master : The wife’s out on Tuesday