Professional Documents
Culture Documents
- -
Sleight of Mouth -
a I'd like to say hello to all you beautiful people ... All the
ugly ones too.
--
Openings 3
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MEDICAL
@ My doctor was so cheap he used to take my pulse and
keep it.
@ My doctor told me to start smoking so I would stop
chewing gum.
@ I went to my psychiatrist the other day. I told him1 had
CARDTRICKS
@ Sign the card on the front, back, or if you're extremely
talented, sign it on the edge.
@ Hand someone the deck and say "shuffle the cards but
don't mix them."
@ Pick a card. Burn it on your memory. You will look
awfully funny waking up with a burnt memory.
Tricks
MARRIAGE
@ My wife has one of those photographic minds. It's too
bad it never developed.
@ She always wears these peek-a-boo blouses. One peek
and you boo.
@ They call her man-hole mouth. When she kisses me,
she sucks my whole head in.
@ She's the kind of girl you want to take to a drive-in
theatre ... if you want to watch the picture.
@ In my house we pray after we eat.
@ I don't thinkmashed potatoes should glow in the dark.
@ I'm not saying she's fat, but the doctor told me for
exercise to walk around her one time.
@ I'm not saying she's fat, but on our honeymoon night
it took me two trips to carry her over the threshold.
@ I miss her cooking ... as often as possible.
@ My wife is 24 years old ... that's 153 to you and me.
@ She'll tell an albino he looks pale.
12 Sleight ofMouth
goodbye.
@ My wife is starting a cooking show for television. It's
called "THAT'S INEDIBLE."
@ What is a home without children? Answer: Quiet
@ "I've been asked to get married plenty of times." "Who
asked you?" "Mother and father."
@ A bachelor is a man who never makes the same
mistake once.
@ Not all men are fools. Some are bachelors.
@ Bachelors know more about women than married men
do; that's why they're bachelors.
@ Statistics prove that singlemendiemuchquicker than
married men, so fellas if you're looking for a slow death
- GET MARRIED!
@ I guess the reason I'm not married is because I was
born that way.
LAUGHTER
@ (Late laughter) Too late.
@ (Individual laughing) No individual laughing, please.
Stay with the group.
@ (Individual laughing) Would you explain it to the rest
of the people?
@ (Individual laughing) Thanks, Mom.
@ Will you cheer up!
@ Please don't laugh at me. You may have children of
your own some day.
@ (No laughs) I would like to say something funny at this
time, but I don't want to break the mood you're in.
I hate worlung for drug-oriented crowds. They laugh
two dayslater.
@ (Individual laughing) Will you please pass that laugh
around?
@ Are you sitting on a feather?
@ (No laughs) You might as well laughnow, as I don't get
any funnier.
laughs) I see you're not buying the bullshit.
@ (No laughs) I have to tell three more bad jokes to get
warmed up.
@ (No laughs) Come on ... concentrate.
@ (No laughs) Laugh now, or forever hold your peace.
@ Laugh now, the humor doesn't get any better.
@ It's a joke! These are all jokes.
@ (No laughs) There's a punch line here somewhere.
@ (No laughs) A lot of these jokes are just for me.
@ (No laughs) Did I mention that I only have a few weeks
to live?
@ (No laughs) What are you, talent scouts for a ceme
t ery?
@ (No laughs) I'm laughing alone, but that's oak.
@ (No laughs) I could make you laugh, but it would only
spoil the mood.
@ (No laughs) You're slow, but you're with me.
--pppp-
BADDAY
b Ths morning I had a terrible accident. I got on the bus
and I had my eye on the seat. Someone sat on it.
@ 1 put both contact lenses in the same eye and it was
shut at the time.
b My twin brother forgot my birthday.
b I got beat up. I found out I was hitch-hbg with the
wrong finger.
b I used the public restroom and I found my phone
nurnber on the wall. I called, but nobody answered.
@ My uncle came to visit. He has an electric pace maker.
Every time he sneezes my garage door goes up.
APPLAUSE
@ Thanks for doing your job.
@ (No applause) You may sit down while the applause
dies down.
@ (No applause) Please, stop shouting "Bravo!"
@ (No applause) After you catch your breath I'll go on.
@ Thank you for the squatting ovation.
@ (No applause) Hold the applause. Oh! You are.
@ Please, Please. I'm happy to be working.
@ Thanks for the applause. You folks really know talent
when you see it.
@ It's amazing what I'll go through for a round of
applause.
@ (No applause) There are two ways to do magic. One
is with applause.
@ I usually go off stage to a thunderous round of
applause after this next trick. However, I have had a burst
of silence before.
Sleight of Mouth 23
@ Applause doesn't make me nervous.
@ (Late applause) Ah too late! I know sympathy when
I hear it.
@ (Late applause) Forget it, I don't need pity.
@ (No applause) I'm used to working in a cemetery.
@ (No applause) What a table, it sleeps eight.
@ (No applause) Are you surprised or stunned?
@ (No applause) 1'11 do it again despite popular demand.
@ (No applause) Comedy, comedy, it's in my blood. I
sure wish it were in my act.
@ (No applause) Alright, maybe you were never an
audience before.
@ (No applause) That's 0.k. I can handle rejection.
@ (No applause) Thank you for the one-handed applause.
@ (No applause) My last audience was polite. They
covered their mouths when they yawned.
@ (No applause) You can be replaced, by an audience.
@ (No applause) This trickwas called, "Flattery" because
it gets me nowhere.
24 Applause
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articles that fall off your lap and onto the floor during
standing ovations.
Sleight of Mouth 29
@ (No applause) I thought this was a quiet place for a
rehearsal.
@ (No applause) I will do it again, even though you didn't
applaud.
@ (No applause) Would someone in the audience give
me a number from one to ten? Thank you, I just wanted
to see if you were still awake.
@ (No applause) Oh, this trick is really nothing. I can tell
by the applause.
@ (Lots of applause) Please save the applause until the
end, as I have a very weak finish.
@ (Lots of applause) You're much too good for what's
coming.
@ (Lots of applause) I'm glad you're applauding now,
because this may be it.
@ (Lots of applause) You are a wonderful audience, so
give yourself a standing ovation.
@ (Lots of applause) You may not like me now, but later
you'll learn to hate me.
30 Applause
Harry Allen and Henny Youngrnan
COMEDY
@ (After something great) Aren't you glad I only use my
powers for good?
@ What's red and white and cement? I don't know either,
I just threw the cement in to make it hard.
@ I do this only at night. That way you can't say I see this
every day.
@ I'm the person your mother never let you play with.
@ Is there anyone here from New York? (Fire a blank
gun). I just want to make you feel at home.
@ Live every day as if it were your last and someday you
will be right.
@ I use to be a mattress salesman. I thought it would be
somethng to fall back on.
@ Show me a Jewish boy who didn't go to medical school
and I'll show you a lawyer.
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@ Did you hear the one about the tap dancer who fell in
the sink?
@ Did you hear the one about the guy who gave birth to
triplets? He's loolung for the other two fathers.
@ Did you hear the one about the parachute that opens
on impact?
@ Did you hear the one about the heckler with half a
brain? He was considered gifted.
@ Did you hear the one about the heckler on the bicycle?
He was considered a dope peddler.
@ Did you hear the one about the new type of Russian
roulette? You pass six girls around, and one of them has
V.D.
@ Did you hear the one about the guy who stole a
calendar and got 1 2 months?
@ Did you hear the one about the guy who was ironing
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species.
@ You're like a wart, you grow on me.
@ Shouldn't you be at the airport sniffing luggage?
@ Do you have a $100 bill? You mus t, you certainly don't
spend it on clothes.
@ You don't have to fear infection. You can't get any
sicker than you already are.
@ (Person with bad teeth) I see you brushed your tooth.
@ (Female) I smacked her mole. I thought it was a bug
or something. It had hair on it. Looked like legs.
@ If you were a present, no one would open you.
@ Are you a figment of your own imagination?
@ I can't make out the cologne, is it fragrance of buffalo?
@ Quit being a jerk. This guy doesn't need competition.
@ If screwing up were an art, you would be Picasso.
46 Sleiqht
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W How long do you have to wear that suit before you win
the bet?
@ (Striped suit) That's a nice suit you have on. It looks
like graph paper.
@ Most people who help me are intelligent. It's a shame
you don't fall into that category.
@ I see your suit was made by those two sisters ... Polly
and Esther .
@ Please don't laugh at me, lady. I don't laugh at your
jewelry!
@ I'm sorry I don't have microphones for everyone.
@ (Funny hair) Are you in the service or did you pay for
that haircut?
@ (Funny hair) I didn't realize Ray Charles cut hair.
w (Fat) I bet you could fall down and you wouldn't know
it.
purposes?
@ (Someone thinks they know everything) I bet you
watch the Learning Channel.
@ You're like a pebble in my shoe.
@ (Fat) Learn these words, "I'M FULL."
@ (Fat) I'd llke to show you something you haven't seen
in a long time ...y our feet.
@ OH! A verbal paper cut.
@ You look good, for you.
@ (Husband) "I think it's quite obvious that the kids get
their intelligence fromme." (Wife) "I can't argue with that.
I still have mine."
@ (Funny hair) I think your barber has a drinking
problem.
@ This guy reminds me of the old saying: Diarrhea is
hereditary. It runs in your jeans.
@ I heard a lot about you. Now I'd like to hear your side.
@ You have lovely hair. I like the way it comes out of your
nostrils.
48 Sleight ofMouth
vouwere at work.
on the nose.
@ Aren't you supposed to be out front, parking cars?
@ Here's a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
f9There's a big-hearted guy with a stomach to match.
@ He only goes out with girls who know all about the
birds and the bees ... and the pill.
@ He wants to be remembered ... by anybody.
@ You'll make money someday. Your ignorance is
comical.
@ (Poorly dressed) When you get up in the morning, who
dresses you?
@ Last time I saw you, you were in a nightmare.
@ If you ever need a friend, buy a dog.
@ You have a ready wit. Let me know when it's ready.
@ If you were alive, you'd be a very sick man.
@ There's only one thing that keeps me from breaking
you in half: I don't want two of you around.
@ He was at home. But when his mother saw him she
went to the hospital.
@ I'd put a curse on you but somebody beat me to it.
@ Some people bring happiness wherever they go. You
bring happiness whenever you go.
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@ (To the front row) Ths will teach you to sit in the front
row. What did you think this was, a burlesque show?
@ (Rough audience) Is this a jury or an audience?
@ (Rough audience) Is this an execution?
@ (Rough audience) Did you hire me for entertainment
or revenge?
@ (Sorneone shouts) If you are looking for your voice
you'll find it in my ear.
@ I could fool your brains out, but I see someone beat me
to it.
Insults for Hecklers 65
@ That's a nice suit. Did you buy it new?
@ (Female) Do you know why women live longer than
men? Because women aren't married to women. (Tell this
at a ladies' meeting if you're tired of living.)
@ (Female) If we have a woman president the country
would save money. She would do the same job and get
paid less.
@ A clever magician always asks his wife's opinion after
he has already made up his mind.
@ (Someone shouts) Silence should be undisturbed
unless you can better it.
@ (Someone shouts) An authority on magic is a person
who can tell you more about something than you really
care to know.
@ (Rough school show) This school must have its own
coroner.
It's easier for kids to grow up if their parents do first.
@ (Hair) Are you having a bad hair life?
@ You either can't hold your liquor or your tranquilizer
hasn't taken effect yet.
@ (After an insult) Sometimes you're the bird and
sometimes you're the windshield.
66 Sleight
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-. -
--
BADN'EIGHBORHOOD
@ I've performed in bad neighborhoods where ... they
bowl overhand.
@ I've performed in bad neighborhoods where ... I asked
the cop how far to the subway, he said, "I don't know, no
one has ever made it."
@ I've performed in bad neighborhoods where ... we celebrate
our birthday six months in advance in case we
don't make it.
I've performed in bad neighborhoods where ... my
school newspaper had its own obituary column.
@ I've performed in bad neighborhoods where ... I closed
the window in my apartment and I hit someone's fingers.
ANIMALS
@ I was going to produce a dog instead of a dove but ... It
took me two years to teach him how to sit. Now he forgot
how to stand.
@ (Dove accidents) Will you quit flying around? You
know you are afraid of heights.
@ (Dove accidents) Whatever you do, don't lookup. He's
not house broken.
@ (Dove accidents) Would someone open the door. I
think he's looking for the men's room.
@ (Dove accidents) His name is Spot. Now you know
why?
@ (Rabbit accidents) This is pellets. You figure out the
rest.
@ This is my rabbit. Do you know what his name is? It's
"Stew." I was going to name him "Pubic."
@ The next time you call your dove or rabbit a dumb
animal, just remember who he's got working to support
him.
@ (Duck accident) Anyone got any duck tape?
Sleight ofMouth 69 -8 I was going to produce a dog instead of a dove but ... I
SCHOOL
@ Old principals never die; they just lose their faculties.
@ One of my best friends in college was a champion shot
putter. He could put away a shot better than anyone else.
@ There's only one thing that kept me out of college.
High School.
@ Education is wonderful - it helps you worry about
things all over the world.
@ My high school teacher used to think he liked children.
JOGS DIE
@ I just figured I'd throw it in. I should have thrown
it out.
@ I grabbed it out of the air. I think it needs all the air
it can get.
@ I was told that joke would die and I just wanted to
prove it.
@ Will someone kill himself so I won't feel like I'm
dying up here alone.
@ We will get out of here twice as fast if you get the jokes.
@ A brief moment of silence for my career.
@ Are you an audience or an oil painting?
@ You don't have to explain what you don't say.
BODYSOUNDS
@ (Belches) I'm glad you brought that up. And your last
name?
@ (Yams) Am I keeping you awake?
@ Ben Franklin was out flying a kite. His wife stuck her
head out the window and noticed his kite was sagging, she
yelled, "Ben, you need more tail." Ben said, "That's funny,
when I mentioned that to you a half hour ago, you told me
to go fly a kite."
@ Two old maids are in bed and this big old grey ghost
hovered over them and said, "Hocus Pocus." One old maid
said to the other, "The heck with Hocus."
@ It's time to up your vocabulary. Today's word is
intelligence. That's when you walk away from a fight with
the neighborhood bully, just far enough to get your
brothers baseballbat. Now that Iupped my vocabulary ... up
yours!
@ A traveling magician's car broke down in the country,
so he knocked on the door of this farmer. The farmer
said, "You can sleep here tonight, but you'll have to sleep
with my son." The magician replied, "I must be in the
wrong joke."
@ I was watching this funeral from the street corner and
I asked this guy who was standing next to me, "I wonder
who died?" He said, "I think it's the guy in the first car."
@ I was really upset with my wife the other day. She
showed a couple of my friends some of my baby pictures
without any clothes on. I mean, she could have at least
worn a robe.
@ (Excusing yourself) Excuse me while I mark my
territory.
76 M.C.Bits / Stories
@ My relatives all think I'm disgusting, because I don't
help my 80 year old grandmother financially. I allow her
to eat dog food to stay alive. But the way I look at it is,
"Hey, maybe grandma's been around so long because
Alpo has been around so long."
@ Do you like my shoes? They're made out of banana
skins. They call them slippers. You buy them by the
bunch, not by the pair. They just appeeled to me.
@ Before I was a comedian and professional good
piece of flash paper in your hand like it's a note. The note
goes up in flames.) Well there goes the good news. The
bad news is my fan club broke up. The guy died.
@ (Comedy force) Would you like to choose a number
please, between 19 and ... 21. (She should answer 20)
Good, we'll use 20.
78 M.C,Bits / Stories
@ A letter written in a child's scrawl came to the post
office addressed to GOD. A postal employee not knowing
exactly what to do with the letter, opened it and read
"Dear GOD, my name is Jimmy. I am six years old. My
father is dead and my mother's having a hard time raising
me and my sister. Would you please send us 500 dollars?"
So all the postal employees kicked in some money and
they raised 300 dollars. They sent it signed GOD. When
Jimmy received the 300 dollars he wrote GOD another
letter saying, "Please don't sendit through the post office,
because they keep 200 dollars."
@ My psychologist doesn't listen to me. I walked into his
office and he said "Next." I told him I have multiple
personalities. So he charged me three times. I told him
I am suicidal. He said, "Prove it."
@ I was taking the trash out when I noticed the trash
truck just pulling away. I asked the man "Am I too late?"
He said, "No, hop in."
@ I've been happily married for five years. We are
celebrating our 12th wedding anniversary next week.
@ How do you sell a deaf man a chicken? (Shout as loud
as you can) "Hey do you want to buy a chicken?"
Tonight the Cadillac company (local agency) is raffling
off a Church.
@ This is a nice place. I like the way it's laid out. I don't
know how long it's been dead, but I like the way it's laid
out.
Sleight of Mouth 79
hand. Now push the whole thing deep into your fist.
(Roaring laughter as the banana oozes out from between
the stooges fist.) Now, does this trick appeal to everyone?
If he (stooge) did everything correctly the bandana in his
fist will now change into a blue scarf." (The stooge now
reaches up his sleeve secretly and pulls the 18" blue silk
out from his fist to everyones surprise. This is a very
funny routine.
@ Call someone up and have them hold a bottomless
glass on the palm of their hand. Do an egg trick (i.e. Egg
Bag, Silk to Egg). Break the egg into the glass. Remove the
glass from their hand. Watch for the funny expression on
their face.
@ Put a bottle of soda to your ear and tilt it over as
though you're pouring it into your ear. Straighten your
head, blank stare into the audience, and spit soda out
your mouth. (Backstage have a mouth full of soda. Put a
piece of Saran Wrap around mouth of the bottle.)
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@ Explain you are about to do a famous trick where
water keeps pouring out of a vase. (Have someone off
stage bring out a Lota Bowl) Turn the vase upside down
and tap the bottom. As nothing comes out of the vase, yell
backstage "Where's the water?" Have the same person
walk out and you ask them again "Where's the water?"
They spit water right in your eye.
@ Remark something about the time as you look at your
watch. Take your watch off and vanish it in a Utility
Vanishing Clothby Irv Cook or another method. It will reappear
back on your wrist. After the applause ask if they
would like to see it 20 more times. (Have 20 cheap
watches up your sleeve)
@ (Gag with Flash Bills) (Borrow a bill and switch it for a
Flash Bill) You can always tell a real bill from a counterfeit
one. (Light a match and let it burn a few seconds, blow it
out and touch the match to the Flash Bill) "If it's a real bill
it will burn. Yep! That was a real one." (Lots of laughter,
as the person thinks his bill is gone forever. However, you
can reproduce it elsewhere.
@ (When you have to kill time) Roll both bottoms of your
pant legs up to about your shins. Take off your suit jacket
and tie it around your waist. Pick up a four-legged chair,
said, "I am sixty." The doctor said, "What did I tell you?"
@ A magician brags about his new hearing aid: "It's the
most expensive one I've ever had; it cost $2500." His
friend asks, "What kind is it?" He says, "Half past four!"
@ A doctor asks hs female patient, "Do you know what
the most effective birth control pill is?" She replies, "No."
He said, "That's it!"
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show.
@ I don't wear glasses when1 drive. I have a prescription
windshield.
@ Kids pick their nose and think it's candy. But it's snot.
@ My father is a dentist. That's why I have sugarless
gums.
@ (Spring cards from one hand to another) Some
magicians practice this for years. (Drop them) I'm not one
of them.
@ I worked a resort where business was so slow, the
owner stole the towels back from the guests.
@ My assistant keeps getting headaches. I keep telling
her, "When you get out of the Trunk it's feet first."
@ (Intermission) If you need to check out the plumbing
do it now.
Sleight of Mouth 91
an ACT.
92 M, C.Bits / Stories
@ This next performer did his first show at eight. It
could have been a quarter past eight, I'm not sure.
@ Christmas Show (Giant candy cane in an invisible dog
leash) What's his name? Candy. Where did you find him?
Hanging around the Christmas tree. That's where he gets
his bark.
@ There are rules for this show. Rule number one:
Magicians are always right. Rule number two: When a
magician is wrong, refer to rule number one.
@ (Bad Weather) Don't knock the weather. Without it,
nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation.
@ Magicians don't smoke, don't drink. They go to bed
early and eat plain foods. We may not live any longer, but
it will sure seem llke it.
@ This is a tough way to make an easy living.
@ I just had gold soup. It's made with 24 carrots.
ROPE TRICKS
@ Here's a little something I invented whde strangling
my wife.
@ They say if you give a magician enough rope ... he'll do
a rope trick.
(Hand out scissors for cut & restored) Do you know
the difference between rope and fingers? You see the
fingers are the pink stuff, and the white stuff is the rope.
@ How's your eyesight?
@ Are you a surgeon?
Say to the piano player as you begin a rope trick,
"Please play a little knot music." (He plays a tune poorly)
"That certainly is notmusic."
@ This is not anordinaryknot! It's a special knot, believe
it or not.
ERRORS
@ (Verbal) My words fail me, like my English teacher.
@ (Verbal) Sorry, I just had a vowel movement.
@ (Verbal) I have to be back at the hospital. I only have
a three day pass.
@ (Forgetful) I'm so forgetful. I go to the rest room and
102 Errors
@ (Can't find some tlung) Forgive me, I'm blind in one eye
and have glaucoma in the other.
@ (When you get tongue tied) (Speak even crazier like a
foreign language) I forgot you don't speak Latin.
@ Obviously I've made a serious vocational error.
8 (Weird answer) I see you're in touch with your inner
monkey.
@ Who said nothing is impossible? I've been doing
nothing for years.
@ That was a trick Houdini gave me. He was glad to get
rid of it.
@ It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for
magic but I couldn't give it up - because by that time I was
too famous.
@ I may not be the greatest magician - but my courage
demands respect.
years of practice.
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finish.
@ This next trick reminds me of a dream. I dreamed I
was on a desert island with Raquel Welch. The only
problem, I was a palm tree.
@ This trick was handed down from generation to
generation ... nobody wanted it!
106 Sleight
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ASSISTANTS
@ (Loud clothing) Isn't it amazing what you can do with
a shower curt ain?
@ (Loud clothung) I didn't know "Fruit of the Loom" made
shirts and pants.
@ (Loud clothing) I would love to meet your tailor. He
must have a wonderful sense of humor.
@ (When a spectator writes something) I got an application
from a secretary. "As you can see, I can't type very
fast."
@ (Pretty person) The bellhops were anxious to check
himher out.
@ (Lawyers) It's strange that men should take up crime
when there are so many legal ways to be dishonest.
@ (Juggler) I have to go home now and juggle the books.
@ (Bald) Here is a gentleman who wishes for a little hair.
(Produce a rabbit and hand it to the guy.)
@ Do you know why you can1t use this finger? (Hold up
index finger) Because it's mine!
@ Last night I met a girl from Buffalo. Can't I ever meet
a girl from normal parents?
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lovers of the world. And the people who are bald all over
are the ones who think they're lovers.
@ (Bald) Look at the bright side. You have less hair to
comb and more face to wash.
@ (Bald) I see you combed your hair. It's too bad you left
it at home.
@ (Calling up onto stage) Welcome to my space.
@ (Calling female up onto stage) Ms. woman, will you
help me?
@ (With nickname) What's your name? Buddy? Rocky?
Do you have a nickname?
@ (Question) Do you have those little white things in
your head that bite? No? Don't you have teeth?
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it will be worthless.
@ How old are you? (wait for an answer) Let's see.
(looking at audience) That is 153 to you and me.
@ What's your name? Is that your real name?
@ What's your name? Mary. I'm Harry. And your name?
George. I'm still Harry.
@ Do you like tea? Yes. Which hand do you stir the tea
with, the right or left hand? (wait for answer) That is
funny, most use a spoon.
@ What's your name? No, not your last disease.
@ What's your name? (If it is unusual) Could you say it
in English?
@ (Blank look) Read my lips.
@ (Blank look) (Lift up the hair over their ears) Can you
hear me under that grass?
@ (When they nod and don't speak) Talk to me. I get
lonely up here.
@ (Holding something) Raise it a little lower.
@ (Holding something) Can you feel it? Good to see
you're feeling well.
122 Sleight ofMouth
@ My last assistant was so old ... I told her to act her age,
so she died.
@ My last assistant was so old ... she had an autographed
copy of the Bible.
@ My last assistant was so old ... she was a waitress at the
Last Supper.
@ My last assistant was so old ... she is older than Sanskrit.
@ (Fat) You have a nice chin, and that goes double for
you.
@ (Fat) You would make a great violinist. But, how
would you know which chin to put it under?
@ (Fat) You have more chins than the Chinese phone
book.
@ (Fat) Don't worry about a little fat around the middle.
Better there than between your ears.
@ (Fat) Is it true that when you get your shoes s h e d ,
you have to take the guy's word for it?
@ (Fat) Those who eat too much sweets take up two
seats.
@ (Fat) Probably nothing arouses more false hope than
ofMouth
@ (Chlld) Did you know that if you kiss your elbow you
wdl turn into a member of the opposite sex?
@ (Two assistants on stage) (Point to one then the other)
The difference between man and beast is financial worries.
@ (Coming to stage the long way) The shortest distance
between two points is under construction.
@ (Tall) When you go to the movie theatre and you don't
want someone tall sitting in front of you, pour soda on the
seat before anyone arrives.
@ (Woman libber) Ms. Cooperman went to court to
change her name to Cooperperson.
@ (Ugly) Here is someone who looks alternatively
different.
@ (Hand prop to spectator) Boil this in cold water!
@ (Old) She built the pyramids.
@ (Someone walking up to help you) Hurry up! I'm late
for my appointment with destiny.
@ (When they whisper in your ear) (Scream) 1. "You did
LATECOMERS
@ (To a couple) Why are you late? Or is that a leading
question?
@ (Obviously coming in from bathroom) Could you hear
us out there? Because we could hear you in here! Feeling
better? Now you can relax and enjoy yourself?
@ (Person leaving) 1. There goes the only person with
taste. 2. Do you know where it is? Try not to be long.
@ (When you're late) This is the earliest I've ever been
late.
@ (People leaving) If you're going to the rest room
mention my name and you'll get a good seat.
eg (People leaving) Yes, we are going to talk about you as
soon as you leave.
@ (People leaving) That's 0.k. He'll be back. There's no
reading material in there.
@ (People leaving) Better take a dime with you.
@ Can I get you anything? Like a watch?
@ Before you arrived we were all naked. I guess you owe
US one.
126 Sleight
ofMouth
@ (Walking in front) I'm glad you found a short cut.
ofMouth
ofMouth
of Mouth
Mouth
ofMouth
soon married.
@ (Inflation) It use to be a compliment to tell your wife
she looked like a rnillion dollars. Now it's an insult.
@ (Inflation) I went into one of those high class department
stores and asked the clerk for change of a dollar.
The clerk replied, "My friend, a dollar is change."
@ (Inflation) I went to pay cash in the grocery store, and
they wanted two credit card references.
@ (Inflation) Now - a - days it's not the caffine in coffee
that keeps me awake; it's the price.
@ (Inflation) You know, magicians have to eat too. I was
in the supermarket the other day and I could not believe
the price of meat. I asked the clerk if I could finance a
piece of roast.
@ (Inflation) Inflation is when you save for a long time
to buy something, then find you can't afford it.
@ (Inflation) I pulled into a gas station and asked for a
dollar's worth of gas. The attendant belched in my face.
@ (Money) Every other show I hand out a $10 bill.
Unfortunately, this is the other show.
@ (Guillotine trick) Hey! What do you have to lose?
Tricks of the Trade 137
@ (Sight gag) Will the lady who lost this please come up
here and claim it. (Hold up a three cupped brassierre)
@ (Sight gag) Shoot a silk hanky with a blank gun. When
you show the hanky the word "ouch" is printed on it.
@ (Sight gag) Put scotch tape on the fingertips of the
index fingers of someone you called up. Tell the person
to put these in his ear. Tell the audience to be quiet while
he listens to the tapes.
@ (Sight gag) Have a note in your shoe. Sometime during
the show reach in and pull it out and explain; this is just
a "foot note."
@ (Sight gag) Would you like to shake my hand', O.K.,
but give it back when you're done. (Give them a rubber
hand to shake)
@ (Mindreading) A man visited a fortune teller and sat
down in front of her crystal ball. "I see you are the father
of two children," she said. "That's what think," the
man replied. "I'm the father of three children." The
fortune teller smiled and said, "That's what vouthink."
@ (Smoking) I just quit smoking. Don't make any
sudden moves.
@ (Cigarette magic) I use cigarettes for magic. However,
I don't smoke, because I'm allergic to cancer.
@ (Money) It's not a sin to be rich. It's a miracle.
Tricks of the Trade 139
magicians only
ODDS andENDS
@ (Cruise Ships) Just recently when I was working on a
cruise ship I said to a woman passenger, "Isn't this a good
cruise? We have slot machines, the sun is always shining,
there's food every tenminutes, and a beautiful swimming
pool." She said, "Oh yeah, but take away the ship and what
have you got?"
@ (Cruise Ships) One passenger lost her husband's
entire wardrobe. You know the two little portholes in the
cabins? She thought it was the wash and dry.
@ (Cruise Ships) The food is fantastic aboard ship, but
the passengers won't admit to gaining weight. They say
the salt air shrinks their clothing.
@ (Club magic) I don't like cocaine. The smell isn't bad,
though.
@ (Large family) There were ten kids in my family ... I
never slept alone until I got married.
@ (Money) We should all live within our means ... even if
we have to borrow the money to do so.
@ (Asking for money from an audience) (No response)
All a pickpocket could get from this audience is practice.
@ (Golf) If you drink, don't drive ...p utt!
146 Sleight
of Mouth
@ (Cruise Ships) A little boy walked up to his mother and
liquor is tax free and you can bring home a gallon. It's
fumy how people will spend $1000 for a cruise to save
$20 on booze.
@ (Club magic) Please accept my resignation. I don't
want to belong to any club that would have me as a
member.
@ (Club magic) At a nightclub an assistant remarked to
the magician, "That's the fifth time you've gone back for
more beer. Doesn't it embarrass you at all? "No," he
answered, "I keep telling them it's for you."
@ (Club magic) Girls are like rocks. You skip the flat
ones.
@ (Club magic) (Girl with big bosoms) Do you have a
license to carry those?
@ (Club magic) I had a terrible nightmare. I dreamed
Dolly Parton was my mother, and I was a bottle baby.
@ (Club magic) Dolly will be here tonight to breast feed
the whole audience.
Odds and Ends 147
@ (Club magic) I don't take drugs. They're always given
to me.
@ She was so thin ... when she walked into the pool hall
they tried to chalk her head.
@ She was so thin ... she tied knots in her legs to make
knees.
@ She was so thin ... when she turned sideways you
couldn't see her.
@ She was so thin ... her brassiere is a peanut shell and a
rubber band.
@ She's so ugly ... a peeping tom threw up on her window.
@ She's so ugly ... we went horse back riding and someone
jumped on her.
@ She's so ugly ... when she goes to the beach, the tide
won't come in.
of bed.
@ (On Morning show) (Blank gun pointed at audience)
Give me coffee and no one gets hurt!
@ (After a great effect) I'm not weird, I'm gifted.
@ (After a great effect) I didn't claw my way to the top
of the food chain to eat vegetables.
@ (After a great effect) Maybe none of this is happening!
@ I'm too young to be this old.
@ (After a question from the audience) How do I know?
I'm not your mother.
@ (Looking at something nice) I'm taking the scenic
route through life.
Od&andEn&157
@ (Political) Politicians are like diapers. They both
should be changed often, and for the same reason.
@ This guy ran around the plane yelling.. ."We're going to
crash." And he was the pilot!
@ The guy next to me said, "If we don't crash I'm going
to church every Sunday." And he was a priest!
@ There is a rumor going around that the photographers
doing the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition are on
strike ... for longer hours.
@ The boss said I would get a raise when1 earned it. He's
crazy if he thinks I'm gonna wait that long.
@ I once had a job as a human cannonball. I was hired
and fired the same night.
@ (Drinking on stage) Does all the water here come with
ants?
@ (Food) The food here is so tasteless you could eat a
meal of it and belch, and it wouldn't remind you of
anything .
@ (Food) Be careful of reading recipe books. You may die
of misprint.
@ (Food) You are what you eat. For example, if you eat
garlic you're apt to be a hermit.
158 Sleight of Mouth
ofMouth
FAT HUMOR
@ When he puts on corduroys, all the ridges disappear.
@ When she wears high heels they become slippers.
@ When he gets out of his car at the airport all the electric
doors open.
@ When he goes on the "up" escalator, it goes down.
Looks like you have GOOD YEAR disease.
@ He's so fat he can jump into the air and get stuck.
@ There is this new diet. Onions and garlic. You look
thinner from a distance.
@ I've been on a diet for 14 days and all I lost was two
weeks.
VENTRILOQUIST HUMOR
@ Ventriloquist: You have the brains of an idiot.
Dummy: You want them back?
@ Ventriloquist: I passed your house the other day.
Dummy: Thanks.
8 Ventriloquist: Put your feet where they belong.
Dummy: If I did that you wouldn't sit down for a week.
SENIOR CITIZENHUMOR
19You know you're old when your watch runs faster
than you do.
@ Hey! I got a great idea. Let's all take our teeth out and
play bridge.
@ You know you're old when the candles cost more than
the cake.
19 When she orders a three - minute egg, they make her
pay in advance.
@ You're old, when you need glasses to find your
glasses.
@ You're old, when you sit in a rocking chair and you
can't get it going.
@ You're old, when your knees buckle and your belt
doesn't.
@ At your age you shouldn't eat natural foods. You need
all the preservatives you can get.
@ Quit worrying about your health ... it'll go away.
@ He has young blood ... but he keeps it in an old cont
ainer .
@ Ladies and gentlemen, you warm the cockels of my
heart, and I couldn't have done the show with cold
cockels.
@ Take off your glasses and say ... I don't need these, I
just use them to see.
@ I love work. I can sit and watch it all day.
@ It's funny, alarm clocks always go off when you're
sleeping.
@ Whenever you dial the wrong number it's never busy.
@ The closer you watch, the less you see, and the less you
see is better for me.
@ Some day you'll see my name in lights. I'm changing
it to "Exit."
@ 1 just saw an ad for Preparation H. It said kiss your
hemorroids goodbye ... I don't think I want to try that!
@ It all happens with a blinking of an eye.
@ Do you notice the verbal misdirection?
@ I train my magic well.
Sleight of Mouth 165
Comments
lender.
@ (Reach into pocket for something) I found something
I didn't know I had.
8 Magician: Do you know who I hate? Audience: Who?
Magician: Indian givers. No, I take that back. Do you
know who I really hate? Audience: Who? Magician:
People who imitate owls.
@ (Lady with many children) What are you trying to do,
start your own country?
@ I have the heart of a child. I keep it in a jar on my desk.
@ I'm gaining weight for the summer because I want to
get a big tan.
@ You should marry for love, and divorce for money.
@ Who here has older parents?
@ I have so much gas, Arabs follow me around.
@ I dreamed I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.
@ You can't see my legs? That's good ... they're yellow.
My dog is blind!
168 Genepal
Comments
@ This travel agent met his wife because it was her last
resort.
@ I wasn't able to tell this next joke for a while because
of the statute of limitations.
@ I invented plastic parsley. No one eats it anyway.
@ I use to be in the hot dog business, I didn't relish it.
@ I like to live in the past. The rent is a lot cheaper.
@ Did you know Hurnpty Durnpty was pushed?
@ I found a great way to avoid getting parking tickets.
Remove your windshield wipers.
@ This place is so dark tonight, you will get your check
in braille.
@ I was going to move to a more expensive neighborhood,
but now I don't have to. My landlord just doubled
my rent.
@ What do you get if you cross an elephant with a
rhinoceros? El - if - I - no.
@ I wrote a new national anthem ... but nobody would
stand for it.
@ Do you know what you get if you cross an elephant
with a kangaroo? Big holes all over Australia!
Comments
ANECDOTES
@ The question: Excuse me, what is your opinion of the
meat shortage? This was asked to people all over the
world.
Answers: Person One (Texas): "What is a shortage?"
Person Two (Poland): "What is meat?" Person Three
(Russia): "What is an opinion?" Person Four (New York):
"What is excuse me?"
@ There was a married couple with seven children.
Seems the wife was slightly deaf. The husband would
come home and ask "Do you want to watch T.V. or what?"
The wife always replies "What?"
@ Two magicians walking down the street. A bird goes
to the bathroom on one of the magicians. Magician One:
"Hey, do you want me to get some toilet paper? Magician
Two: "No, the bird will be gone by the time you get back."
@ The other day1 got a phone call. Of course I was in the
shower. So I ran to the phone out of breath. It was an
obscene phone call. Well I was panting, he was panting,
suddenly I hear himsay, "Wait! Did I call you or did you
call me?"
QUICKIES
They just wrote a book about my sex life entitled
"Sterile Cuckoo."
@ One mentalist said to the other, "You're fine, how am
I?"
@ This next trick is so damn good I'm going to watch it
myself.
@ I came out of a sick bed to do this show. My girlfriend
is sick.
@ The bookies are having a new kind of lottery. Each day
you have to guess which will go higher, the inflation rate
or the temperature.
@ I'm part Roman. I have roarnin' fingers.
@ If this next trick fails, I'll leave it out.
@ Did you hear about the halfway house for girls? It's for
girls who don't go all the way.
@ Are peanuts fattening? Did you ever see a skinny
elephant?
PUNSorDOUBLEMEANINGS
@ A man recently died, leaving a large number of music
boxes, pocket watches and clocks among his worldly
possessions. The attorney is currently busy winding up
the estate.
@ My visit to Teheran was very hectic. Wherever I went,
Iran.
@ Bank managers who have their desk over the vault,
have their ass sets over hundreds of thousands of dollars.
@ My dermatologist is now very successful. However, he
had to build his practice from scratch.
IMPRESSIONS
@ (Birth control pill) Hold hand up like policeman and
say, "STOP!"
@ (Bubble gum) Put a chair on your head.
ENDINGS
@Anytime you want me here again, just say the magic
word: MONEY!
@ When you go home tonight, please, drive on the
sidewalk. All the accidents are happening on the street.
@ I'd like to leave you with these words, "One good turn,
gets most of the blanket."
home.